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Sun December 21, 2008
(The News Star) Stupid "Forty dollar oil is not good" (19)
(CBS News) Asinine Turns out that you probably didn't want to know where some of that bailout money went (42)
(Dilbert) Obvious Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams says that it should be illegal for untrained citizens to invest in the stock market because it is too risky for everyone's long term net worth (64)
(Fox News) Unlikely UAW begins complaining that conditions such as "have a viable business plan" and "reduce costs" will make the American auto industry less competitive, reliable (67)
(London Times) Dumbass Jeff Bezos asks Amazon.uk staff to bare their bottoms for group picture, to respond to hatchet piece by newspaper. Dumbassilarity ensues (11)
(BBC) Interesting Canada to offer their own C$4billion auto bailout. In other news, Canada builds cars (32)
(Some Guy) Interesting The next newspaper to stop seven-day-a-week delivery is *throws dart* the Klamath Falls Herald and News, which won't have a paper on *throws second dart* Mondays (14)

Sat December 20, 2008
(AJC) Asinine AmEx may cut your credit limit because of where you shop. "Other customers who have used their card at establishments where you recently shopped have a poor repayment history with American Express." (304)
(CNN) Interesting Who will run the greatest computer company in the world after Steve Jobs retires? CNN has a few ideas (84)
(JSOnline) Interesting $1,000 martini, made with lime and cranberry juices, being sold for charity. Unfortunately, someone dropped their diamond bracelet in it. Ewwww (95)
(Financial Times) Obvious Hedge funds get a $200 billion bailout, just to ensure nobody's ascot gets in a twist. UAW union workers? Grovel for your scraps, biatches. Grovel (52)
(Philly) Sad What happened yesterday, as the last car rolled off Chrysler's assembly line in Newark, Delaware (68)
(channel 3000) Cool Buy a Harley, get free stocks, pick up lots of biker chicks (22)
(Post Crescent) Cool Samuel Adams introducing two new beers: Chocolate Bock and Blackberry Witbier. Huzzah (40)
(The New York Times) Cool Chinese company Build Your Dreams markets first PLUG in hybrid vehicle. Lead content as yet unknown (63)
(BBC) Misc French business morale at new low, surrender might be their only option (8)
(BBC) Dumbass If you've lost your job in the last few months, you can blame it on New Century Financial according to this handy timeline of the credit crunch (20)
(CNBC) Dumbass Jim Cramer has a plan for $150 oil. Even as oil falls past $33 on it's way to $15 per barrel. If you always do the exact opposite as he recommends, you'll be a billionaire in 12 months (69)
(Some Guy) Fail The SEC may have uncovered Madoff's ponzi-scheme sooner if they weren't busy downloading porn and running private businesses (31)
(Some Guy) Interesting Ford has a state-of-the-art plant that is a model of success. Of course, it is 5,000 miles away and the UAW hates it (92)
(MotorTrend) Asinine Here's Pontiac's complete line of cars: The G8... Woo, man, lots of choice there (51)
(AP) Asinine The collapse of Goldman Sachs means NYC will lose $178 million in tax revenue. And that's only from 6 lost bonuses (23)

Fri December 19, 2008
(Wall Street Journal) Amusing Problem: bank stuck with worthless mortgage-backed securities. Solution: hand them out as "bonues" to the bankers who created them (22)
(CNN) Interesting Government unveils auto bailout plan. No, this isn't a repeat from the U.S (15)
(Yahoo) Ironic There is so much oil on the world market that no one wants to buy it because they have no room left to store it (33)
(CBS News) Obvious Blaming Detroit for continuing to make SUVs is like a junkie blaming his dealer for his crack addiction (51)
(Miami Herald) Interesting The FAA decides that no one has died from wind shear lately, so who needs all these weathermen? (22)
(C|Net) Interesting EA is shocked to find that somewhere between producing "Watered-down Game Franchise Part 46" and forcing SecuROM DRM down everyone's throats, they've ceased to be profitable. Announces layoff of 10% of their workforce (184)
(Network World) Obvious Does AT&T breakup still matter 25 years after? (22)
(Reuters) Interesting Pantomime artists say that their industry is recession-proof. At least that's what they think he said. He could have just been saying he was stuck in a box (16)
(Silicon Alley Insider) Obvious S&P downgrades a banker's dozen of banks, plus Golden Sacks. Black Friday XVIII will make Black Friday XII look like Black Friday IV (16)
(News.com.au) Followup A tiny ray of light in this dark economy: Company that makes shoes used by the Bush Shoeter sees sales boom (11)
(Free Press) Obvious Credit card companies plan to raise everyone's rate to 40% by 2010 (121)
(Yahoo) NewsFlash Bush administration rescuing auto makers with a 17 billion dollar bailout. Shoemakers not so much (528)
(Yahoo) Followup Madoff's ponzi scheme would have been difficult for SEC investigators to uncover--unless they listened to this guy who repeated proved to them that it was mathematically impossible that Madoff was getting the returns he claimed--9 years ago (49)
(CNN) Sad Polaroid files for Chapter 11 protection. Take a picture, it'll last longer (16)
(Wall Street Journal) Obvious The only thing worse than going to Christmas parties is going to Christmas parties when you're jobless. "Their eyes will dart and they will say, 'Ummm, have you found anything yet?' " (35)
(Guardian.com) Obvious More shoppers than ever doing their Christmas shopping online as department-store sales slump to record lows in unusual example of correlation equalling causation (14)

Thu December 18, 2008
(CNBC) Cool Oil falls under $37 a barrel. Nice try, OPEC (112)
(Wall Street Journal) Asinine Battery manufacturers ask for $1 billion in bailout funds. Not because they need them or are on the verge of bankruptcy, but because it would be nice to have a shiny new R&D facility (38)
(Some Business Guy) Spiffy McDonald's Japan sales surge past half-trillion yen mark in 2008, thanks to reintroduction of Quarter Pounders, high-quality coffee, and "sheer outrageousness" of Mega Mac (37)
(BusinessWeek) Interesting Should the "Big 3" become the "Midsized 1"? (51)
(Some Guy) Obvious MillerCoors agrees to remove caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng from its alcohol beverages. Plans on returning to the original formula of cat piss, gray water and fromunda juice (29)
(AJC) Spiffy The economic mess may lead to Sunday alcohol sales in Georgia, simply for the additional tax revenue (39)
(Denver Post) Unlikely World's worst stripper making $18 a day due to the economy, can't pay heating bills (469)
(Reuters) Obvious Porsche anticipates sales to plunge in 2009 thanks to world economic crisis, fact that buyers just realized 95 per cent of their cars' parts are the same as a Volkswagen (78)
(Bitten and Bound) Cool Happy Free Shipping Day (42)
(Some Guy) Obvious Cell phone only homes number 18%. Cue landline companies begging for bailout cash in 3...2...1 (46)
(Some Bizarre Woman) Interesting Björk finances BJÖRK, an Icelandic venture capital fund which will promote innovation, presumably in the waterfowl evening gown industry (28)
(Bloomberg) Spiffy Readymade headline for the Fark business crowd: "Crooked penis drug developer rises after Pfizer deal " (12)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass We are sorry your son died in the Marines but we mean to get back the $53,144 college loan. Love, Sallie Mae (247)
(Reuters) Obvious As the Enron scandal destroyed Arther Anderson, so the Madoff scandal will destroy PricewaterhouseCoopers. There can be only one accounting firm  T-Shirt (50)
(Reuters) Followup Oil below $40 on news that we won't need any more after next year's magnetic field fluctuation/solar activity increase whammy (23)
(St. Petersburg Times) Sad Sign of the times: 136 people apply for 3 available $9.50/hour landfill jobs. "I actually had some people down on their knees begging me." (249)
(USA Today) Sad Town of 13,000 lays off more than half its population. Not workforce population, total population (135)

Wed December 17, 2008
(CNN) News Chrysler to shut down all plants for a month, apparently to try and figure out how to produce a car that doesn't suck. Good luck with that (331)
(Wall Street Journal) PSA Western Digital downgrades capacity by 2500 gigs (37)
(Slate) Obvious "Before we get too weepy about lost journalistic jobs and folded publications, let's ask how often reporters lamented the decline of other industries, products, and services swamped by the digital typhoon" (125)
(MSNBC) Obvious Hoping to get bailed out, GM halts construction of Chevy Volt engine factory. Hummer engines still rolling out en masse (189)
(Silicon Alley Insider) Obvious No matter how proud you are of your Level 80 Death Knight, don't list "World of Warcraft" on your resume as a hobby (117)
(Bloomberg) Obvious Looks like AIG's going to need another $30 billion or so. Which should get them through the end of January (65)
(Michigan Golf) Asinine Members of the United Auto Workers who lose their jobs if the bailout falls through can spend their free time on the UAW's own golf course, which was called the second best new "upscale public course" in 2000 (69)
(Bloomberg) Obvious Lenders holding $45b in Anheuser-Busch InBev NV debt trying to unload that debt before the company declares bankruptcy. Oh, the hops and barley (17)
(Fox Business) Obvious In an attempt to prop up prices, OPEC will cut output by 4.2 million barrels per day. You know those shieks have some fancy duds to keep up (36)
(Bloomberg) Asinine Not News: Stocks are weak. News: Fed cuts rates (again), causing massive rally and five week high for S&P. Fark: Stocks fall because Fed has 'no tools left to combat recession' (20)
(Bloomberg) Asinine It turns out there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the SEC's failure to investigate numerous claims of fraud against Madoff's fund: the head investigator was farking Madoff's niece (47)
(CNBC) Asinine Citigroup plans to merge corporate and investment banking units. Because clearly what that failure of a company needs is to combine two completely unrelated units (4)
(Salon) Interesting What happened to the bailout money? (159)
(Bloomberg) Obvious Morgan Stanley proves they can lose money faster than any other bank in America. $2.2 billion down the drain. They may be "World Wise" but they really suck at math (12)
(Seattle Times) Interesting Regulators allege baby meds monopoly. I've never played it that way, but it does sound like fun (4)
(News.com.au) Sad Nissan goes from Skyline to Flatline (41)
(Yahoo) Stupid SEC on failure to probe Madoff after almost a decade of warnings: "You farked up. You trusted us." Flounder inconsolable (23)
(Telegraph) Interesting Your company may be sending your fat ass to the gym in 26 minutes (39)

Tue December 16, 2008
(Silicon Alley Insider) Obvious GE Financial Services will eke a meager $5 billion profit from the $2-4 trillion that the Fed and the government are throwing at the economy. Losers (17)
(National Review) Asinine 1) Listen to what Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says he'll do with the money; 2) Wait a few weeks; 3) Watch him do the precise opposite (92)
(News.com.au) Followup Wall Street stocks soar as everybody realizes they're getting free money. Except you, citizen. You still get a rock (41)
(Free Press) Sad The next newspaper getting ready to fold - The Detroit Free Press (39)
(Financial Times) Interesting The global financial crisis, caused almost entirely by the US, may give the US unprecedented new financial power and create a vortex of suck so strong that not even light will escape (53)
(Yahoo) Weird Oil prices fall on news that Saudi Arabia will push OPEC for a 2 million barrel per day cut. Who are we kidding, the price fall is actually due to the San Jose Sharks setting an NHL mark for best record through 30 games (28)
(CBS Miami) News Fed cuts interest rates to 0 to 0.25 percent (254)
(Canada.com) Obvious Saudis want $75 per barrel oil, so either they're going to have cut production or you're going to have to idle your Hummer for a few minutes (44)
(WCBS 880) Interesting Consumer prices dropped a record amount in November. That's the second month in a row (30)
(Yahoo) Fail Pound sinks to new low against Euro but holds its own against the Matabele Gumbo Bean (8)
(Sky News) Cool French wines surrender to US plonk in the battle to destroy British livers (74)
(The Onion) Satire "$700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party." This only counts as satire because no-one's got photos yet (36)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Bay Area recession promises to be longer, deeper, uncut (6)
(Boston Herald) Amusing Burger King releases 'Flame,' a new men's cologne. Can 'Grease' be far behind? (29)
(Fox Business) Interesting Oil rises to $45 a barrel on news that the Eagles now have a legitimate chance to make the playoffs (19)
(BBC) Obvious Goldman Sachs posts first loss since going public in 1999. On behalf of 401K bagholders everywhere, welcome to our world (6)
(Bloomberg) Obvious Siemens blows its load in probe  T-Shirt (7)
(Silicon Alley Insider) Obvious GE's Jeff Immelt finds novel way to stop missing earnings forecasts: Stop making earnings forecasts. BRILLIANT (12)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Sad Best Buy offering buyouts, 3-year service plans to 4000 HQ employees (30)
(AP) Interesting Fed Reserve ready to slash already nearly non-existent interest rates to .....uh..... minus eleventy (113)
(The New York Times) Misc Google's version of net neutrality: All rich companies are created equal. The rest of you guys can fark off (19)
(Wall Street Journal) Asinine The U.S. Department of Agriculture just got into the NO MONEY DOWN housing racket. Foreclosure, it's what's for dinner (12)
(Fox News) Dumbass New in theaters this week is National Lampoon's "Stock Fraud" (13)

Mon December 15, 2008
(Guardian.com) Unlikely The trend in recent years for Britons to go on weekend shopping sprees to New York is going into reverse, as Yanks craving British goods and food flood England (30)
(Fox News) Obvious Apparently that $15B auto rescue package was after rebates and did not include dealer fees, doc fees, taxes, registration fees and whatever else is needed to get the total to $40B (30)
(CBC) Spiffy 中国引入插件车。问题是，一个小时后，需要另一个收费。 (98)
(Silicon Alley Insider) Followup Compliance Officer for Madoff Investment Securities, his niece Shana Madoff, should have spent more time on compliance, less on shopping (27)
(Google) Ironic Toyota Motor Corp. calls for a government bailout of the Big Three. GOP Senators too busy trying to bust unions to give a damn (61)
(CNN) Followup Bush: Bailout? Time?? Line??? Everyone knows time is not made out of lines. It is made out of circles; that is why clocks are round (34)
(Fox News) Interesting The Fed may lower interest rates to a level so low that soon they'll pay you to borrow money (27)
(Reuters) Obvious Fiat and Peugeot in merger talks, hope to make the gayest small car ever (22)
(Yahoo) Scary If you want OPEC, we'll try to love again, we'll try to love again, but we know. Your supply cut is the deepest, baby we know. The oil supply cut is the deepest (140)
(New York Daily News) Obvious Today's run of the mill holiday story: this is the busiest mailing day of the year for the U.S. Postal Service (14)
(Some Guy) Interesting Putin mulls $2 billion loan to Kyrgyzstan in effort to purchase vowels (7)
(PCWorld) Obvious PS3 is to Sony as Titanic is to ship travel (290)
(Boston Globe) Followup Stunned by the economic climate, Harvard is forced to do the unthinkable: live within something called a budget. "It's as if an heiress had lost her trust fund" (28)
(Independent) Interesting Italian government protects Big Cheese by buying up to 100,000 wheels of Parmesan. Blessed are the cheesemakers (22)
(Reuters) Obvious Oil rises $1 a barrel on news that the Kansas City Chiefs could choke on pudding (7)
(Bloomberg) Followup SEC responds to the $50 billion ponzi scheme that wiped out hundreds of wealthy investors: "Oh, we're sorry. Were we supposed to be watching that? Our bad." (48)
(LV Sun) Obvious Las Vegas's hooker economy being affected by economic crisis. "Sex acts once off the menu are suddenly back on" (58)
(Bloomberg) Followup Boeing is predicting strong earnings based on orders for the 7-Late-7 placed in 2004 still being wanted in 2010 and the hope that customers will waive the late penalties. Bonus: The CEO who oversaw its development is currently in charge at Ford (9)
(Canada.com) Interesting Wal-Mart deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. No, seriously (267)

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