Smart investors in July bought options at $1.80/barrel that allows them to sell oil at $100/barrel before the end of the year. Guess whose kids are getting the GI Joe with kungfu grip this year	(3)
		October: Bank begs for $8,000,000,000 from government to survive. December: Bank blows $4,000,000 on staff Christmas parties	(29)
		Sundance Film Festival goes mainstream, asks for bailout money just like every other business	(7)
		Columnist asks, "Are you an idiot to keep paying your mortgage?" Unless you have significant equity, it turns out the answer is "yes"	(57)
		Gas station operators start dusting off their ones	(57)
		Today's cure for America's health care system: prevent hospitals and insurance companies from negotiating and just charge everybody the maximum rate	(34)

		UAW leader says auto industry's problems have nothing to do with unions	(158)
		Barack Obama wants Congress to give more money to the lazy, shiftless unemployed. Hardworking Americans still waiting for relief	(207)
		Eliot Spitzer emerges from nine months of sleeping on the couch to offer his thoughts on what to do about those whores on Wall Street	(37)
		"Food" products that typically bought by people during recessions, namely Spam and Velveeta, are currently flying off shelves. Uh, oh	(85)
		Obama adviser suggests pay cuts for United Auto Workers and executives in exchange for huge bailout. UAW balks, wondering, "Where's the Marxism?"	(68)
		The Big Three's replacements may already be revving up	(91)
(Some Guy)		The amount of gold owned by the US government is 286,299,200 ounces. The money supply is about $6.4 trillion. If that money was backed by that gold, then gold would be $14,172 an ounce	(186)
		Thanks to world economic crisis and mass layoffs in financial sector, young Tokyo women despair of ever landing wealthy Western boyfriends again	(14)
(L.A. Metroblog)		Angry about California's passage of Prop. 8? Post a bad review on teh innertubes for the restaurants whose owners donated to the campaign	(90)

		Chevron feels that instead of whining about compensation for ruining your house and everything inside due to an oil depot that exploded, you should just be thankful to be alive	(14)
		Sirius/XM to the FCC: We promise to behave if you let us be a monopoly. FCC: OK, but you two kids behave. SiriusXM: Yeah, fark the customers and the promises we made to the government. FCC & customers: lol wut?	(372)
		InBev cleared to buy Anheuser-Busch as long as they sell Labatt's USA subsidiary, which inexplicably dominates beer sales in upstate New York	(172)
		Freddie taps $100 billion U.S. Treasury lifeline. That whore will tap anyone	(9)
		Citibank wishes to ensure you that they're too big to fail and all deposits are safe, so there's no need to panic. So EVERYBODY PANIC	(23)
		For some strange reason, insurance companies no longer want to give suppliers coverage for the case of Ford or GM failing	(4)
		The latest list of corporate layoffs . . . Happy Thanksgiving and an early Merry Christmas to you	(33)
		Michael Moore's newest documentary will take a fair and balanced look at the financial crisis and what got us into this mess	(244)
		Solution to the housing crisis: Take federal money, buy them all and burn them to the ground. Brilliant. What could possibly go wrong?	(27)
		OPEC is starting to get a little ticked off at you people conserving gas	(383)
		Canadian tax officials continue sweeping investigation into eBay PowerSellers after federal court gives eBay Canada bad feedback	(19)
		"The biggest threat to a healthy economy is not the socialists of campaign lore. It's C.E.O.'s. It's politically powerful crony capitalists who use their influence to create a stagnant corporate welfare state."	(173)
		Up to 6,000 more jobs leaving Silicon Valley. Sun is there	(36)
		Yet again, our European allies are surpassing the US and leading the world. Into a 15-nation recession	(26)
		The Random Crap You Don't Need sector shrank a record 2.8% in October. This will not be greenlit until someone figures out why it is Barack Obama's fault	(73)
		Your bailout tax dollars at work: Citigroup to lay off 10,000 more employees	(48)
		Lufthansa to merge with Austrian Airlines to create the surliest flying experience ever	(36)
(Belleville News-Democrat)		Gas station makes huge fuel purchase at $4 a gallon in July, is now forced to sell it at $3.89 while being surrounded by stations selling at $1.94. "We have a lot of loyal customers who still come here to fill up"	(35)
		Economist Pete Schiff goes on TV for over two years, warning over and over about the coming credit crunch. Each time he is mocked, laughed at, and insulted by the hosts and panelists. Here's the depressing montage	(140)
		U.S. budget deficit balloons to $237.2 billion. No, not for the year. For the month of October. More massive losses to follow	(25)
(Some Guy)		You have better odds of getting into Harvard than landing a holiday job at the mall this year	(30)

		Bush: The current free market failure is not a failure of the free market. Um... whatever you say buddy	(264)
(Tacoma News Tribune)		Gas prices continue to drop faster than Kimbo Slice	(52)
		Vulture capital fund and Chrysler owner Cerberus graciously offers to forgo any profit *snicker* from a future sale *chortle* of this all-American company *guffaw* so critical to the economy *snort*... aw hell, I can't finish this	(18)
		Hard times for CEOs. Amid taxpayer funded bonuses and luxury resort junkets, one CEO's auctioned art only nets a measley $13.5 million. Didums	(42)
		It's time we move beyond numbers. Instead of saying the Dow plunged 700 points today we could say the Dow is magenta today, or perhaps teal	(14)
		The same brainiacs predicting oil at $200 a barrel are now saying it might go below $40	(25)
		Dow rebounds to 8835, soils undergarments	(132)
		QVC to lay off 6 percent of workers. But if you call in now, they'll cut another 10 percent	(49)
		"Most if not all of the people who snagged these (mortgages) were well aware of the risk and the responsibility. It kills me that I'm playing by the rules and bailing out those who were greedy, stupid or both"	(96)
		Bailout oversight panel still empty, monitoring report misses deadline. "I don't think anyone understands right now how we're going to do proper oversight of this thing."	(18)
		While most of us are just thrilled with our $2/gal gas, the folks who locked in winter heating oil contracts at $4+/gal, are just a mite miffed right now	(180)
		Berkshire shares fall below $100,000, making it affordable to everyone, everywhere	(19)
		Falling below 8,000. The Dow Jones or Kirstie Alley?	(563)
		What to expect if you're flying this holiday season: fewer flights, less room, higher fares, more fees, more crowded planes, more overbooking, more UFIAs. Pretty much the same as every year	(98)
		Yahoo and Microsoft may merge as long as Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang agrees to humiliate himself	(11)
		No, Lego, you cannot have a trademark for a brick. Not yours	(17)
		Airline denies plans for $10 baby-free-zone, even though this is the greatest concept ever	(168)
		There's a global recession, Wall Street is a mess, and the only job you can find involves fries. But, somehow, Walmart's profits are up 10 percent	(207)
(Some Guy)		If a business is too big to fail, then maybe it's too big	(47)
		Germany enters worst recession in 12 years. Poland enters state of nervousness	(31)
		Citi in talks to buy Chevy Chase Bank. It was my understanding that there would be no math	(21)
		Colombian pyramid-scheme organisers leave surprisingly honest note for investors - "Now for being stupid and believing in witchcraft you will have to work much harder to recoup the money you gave us"	(45)
		Caption Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson	(102)
		Trading in Russia's Micex index halted after 17% drop on news of falling demand for oil, mice	(19)
		"Canadians by nature are prudent and our financial system has been characterised as unexciting. If Canada's financial system is boring, perhaps the world needs to be more like Canada"	(24)
		First stocks, then gasoline, now lobster prices tank. Lobstahmen want their share of the bailout	(81)

		Stocks down 1200 points since Obama's election. It's almost as though institutional investors don't believe his ideas will work	(195)
(AutoBlog)		Steve Jobs can fix American automakers, but the new cars will cost twice as much as Japanese ones, and come only in white	(25)
		Crocs reports $148M loss as thousands of grown-up male customers finally took the time to look at themselves in the mirror	(308)
(Some Trader)		Salem Communications, national radio chain best known for Christian evangelist programming and creepy right-wing talk shows, reports $11 million net loss in Q3 on revenue of $54 million	(23)
		The end is near: Pizza Hut and Taco Bell cutting jobs. If fast food can't make it anymore, how can anyone else?	(44)
		Credit losses will surpass 10% of U.S. GDP. You may now crack open your neighbor's skull and feast upon the goo inside	(35)
		Intel's stock gets the blue screen of death	(39)
		All countries that will keep their AAA credit rating, take a step forward. Whoa... not so fast, America	(71)
		Second-biggest mall operator in the US may soon go bankrupt. You are not shopping enough, citizen	(47)
		Latest casualty of the economic downturn? Office Christmas parties as companies turn away from expensive parties and instead pass out Hot Cocoa Sampler Boxes to employees	(255)
		Henry "Heckuva Job" Paulson says the $700 billion rescue plan isn't for automakers. Unless they plan on turning themselves into banks, of course, then they can have all the free money they want	(165)
(Portfolio)		Moneyball author and former trader Michael Lewis explains the root of the economic crisis: Wall Street has no clue what it's doing	(44)
		Morgan Stanley to ten per cent of its workforce: Get well disconnected	(7)
		Bank of England says "F*ck it, we'll go to a zero interest rate if we have to". Your credit card APR will remain at 15.9%, of course	(23)
		Best Buy cuts profit forecast, warns worst is yet to come, announces plans to change name to "Good Buy"	(57)
		Before trying to write off your marijuana as a business expense, use your daughter's wedding as a tax write-off, or claim the entire population of New York City as dependents, the IRS suggests you consult a qualified tax attorney	(39)
		American Express has been pre-approved for a $3.5 billion bailout at a special introductory rate	(35)
		Al Gore's Cable Channel to cut 60 positions, leaving only 410 more people working there than actually watching it	(22)
		Some lawmakers concerned that Pelosi plan to prop up auto industry with tax money might, just possibly, invite begging by other industries	(75)
(Some Guy)		Iran is crying because oil prices are down and 80% of their revenue comes from it. They're now begging OPEC, to please stop the butthurt or they might lose the ability to fund more terrorism	(178)
		CBS News wants to know how much of the Wall Street bonus pool will come from bailout money? I'm thinking somewhere in the high 90th percentile	(57)
		Whether you're trying to cut your electricity bill or hoping to avoid being impregnated by a spunky spirit, beware of phantom loads	(77)
		Business blog says General Motors should be left to fail. Reader writes calm, collected rebuttal entitled "Here's why we need a GM bailout, you f*cker"	(37)
		Paulson: The Empire will not purchase toxic assets. Jar Jar Banks: That was never a condition of our agreement. Paulson: I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here	(207)
		"Start eating now. The best way to beat the recession is to become obese. A few extra muffins and Maltesers won't be enough. You need to be seriously, clinically overweight"	(31)
		Australian Treasury Secretary: The world can get through the financial crisis if we all just smiled a little bit more	(47)

		Ruble's plunge leaves some fearing Russia may soon revert to vodak-and-black-bread-based barter economy	(31)
		Madonna named new face of Louis Vuitton, presumably due to her leathery appearance	(24)
		National Wholesale Liquidators will be doing national wholesale liquidation	(17)
		Continuing to reward poor judgment, Fannie/Freddie to re-write mortgages to 38% of borrower income or 40 years	(45)
		Exclusive Yellowstone Club files for chapter 11 bankruptcy. That's schadenfreude, Boo Boo	(7)
		GM tumbles to lowest level since 1943 -- below $3 a share	(54)
		Traditional shopping centres could go out of business as people increasingly shop online, in part figuring that if you've seen one, you've seen the mall	(24)
		Super Bowl advertisers and TV networks both discover to their shock that 30 seconds of air time is not worth $3 million	(28)
		Volvo squeezes another 900 jobs through tight situation, presumably those who give the most lip	(18)
		McDonald's sales rises 8.2% as people can no longer afford healthy food and restaurants where seats aren't bolted to the floor	(47)
		Good news, everyone. $50 oil. Champagne will be served in the rumpus room	(55)
		Further proof that Americans have the attention span of gnats: SUV sales get a jumpstart	(457)
(Some Guy)		News: Citigroup imposing foreclosure moratorium. Fark: For homeowners who have enough income for affordable mortgage payments	(43)
		Power utilities: Unless you give us more money and stop making us go green, we will make the California blackouts look like a broken lightbulb	(21)
		Having spent most of their bail-out money on this year's bonuses, Wall Street will soon need more bail-out money to cover next year's bonuses	(382)
(Orange County Register)		To complete your 1970's recession-era deja vu, Farrell's Ice Cream Parlors are making a comeback	(54)
		American Express joins Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley in the ultimate death match for your deposit dollars. Three banks enter, one bank leaves	(17)
		AIG executives go on $343,000 junket at Phoenix resort. You know, for old times' sake	(93)
		Soon you may be able to send your cash to another person using a phone and an ATM. What could possibly go wrong?	(25)
		Proving just his anti-business agenda, Obama already calling for billions in bailout money for GM. Change we can deceive in	(260)

(Some Guy)		Can't make the lease payments on your expensive luxury vehicle? Just park it at the airport's long-term lot and leave it there. All the deadbeats are doing it	(18)
		Sweden's largest bank about to collapse like some crappy Ikea bookcase	(20)
		Starbucks profits drop 97% because everyone is just really, really sick of Starbucks	(46)
		Apple fanboys: "Hey Dell, didn't you say you were going to make an MP3 player with a new online store that will compete with the iPod?" Dell: "Faaaark you."	(54)
(Denver Business Journal)		Guys, put your hands together and welcome Advertising on Stage 5	(19)
		Hmm. What to buy with my $1? One McDonalds hamburger or one share of GM?	(54)
		The REAL reason for the financial collapse? To make it easier for the Trilaterals, Masons and Illuminati to institute a world government	(202)
		Fannie got spanked in the third quarter	(13)
		There's the bailout you knew about, and here's the bailout you didn't. "They basically repealed a 22-year-old law that Congress passed as a backdoor way of providing aid to banks"	(77)
		How to beat the financial blues, Bhutan style. Bhutan style ain't nothin to fark with	(13)
		Newsflash: Warren Buffett is not Jesus. As he bleeds, so do his shareholders. Amen	(19)
		By Monday, we'll own 141 percent of AIG. New CEO: Max Bialystock	(50)
		The guy who told you not to move your money from Bear Stearns a week before it collapsed wants Obama to hire him as SEC chairman	(28)