Bloomberg sues the Federal Reserve to find out how many magic beans are needed to get a piece of the bank bailout	(31)
		Looks like DHL stands for Dump Half of Laborers	(19)
		Credit card issuers want to forgive up to 40% of your debt. Is there a catch? You betcha	(64)
		Number 47 announces he has altered the $700 billion bailout plan. Pray that he does not alter it further	(31)
		Former UBS CEO turns down $10.2 million bonus. This had nothing to do with the mansion being surrounded by peasants with pitchforks with torches alight?	(16)
		YouTube hopes to finally achieve profitability by showing full-length movies with uninterruptible, unpausable advertising breaks. The flaw in your cunning plan, let me show you it	(29)
		Netflix stops selling used DVDs, which will surely be a devastating blow to nobody	(30)
		Retailers so desperate for sales this Xmas many will be doing multiple "Black Friday" types of sales all season	(29)

		Nike pulls upcoming sneakers because they look too much like the same ones used in the "Heaven's Gate" mass suicide	(25)
(Online Athens)		Think you'll get a great deal at one of Circuit City's closing stores? Think again	(47)
		Microsoft announces its next failure will be ready to ship for the Christmas 2009 season - the perfect gift for everyone you hate	(50)
		Finally, a guide how to show snowflakes that engineers are more employable than english majors	(138)
		GMAC decides to get out of the automobile financing business	(37)
		Chrysler cheats on General Motors, preferring a quickie with Hyundai. That filthy, filthy whore	(19)
		More and more people buying Priuses with the "full smug" option. Chevy Volt unavailable for comment or purchase	(41)
		Your weekly Friday bank closure brought to you by Security Pacific Bank of Los Angeles	(16)

		Buh-bye big box stores, hello Hot Topics	(43)
		On Monday, we should expect insurance giant AIG, who borrowed over $100 billion from the feds to report a) profit, b) ??? or c) panic?	(22)
		General Motors is almost out of cash and may be forced to give Hummers for food	(62)
		In a transparent attempt not to let Ford steal all the headlines, GM posts $2.54 billion loss as revenue tumbles	(65)
		University of Chicago Business School gets $300 million donation. Tommorrow in class: self reliance, earning your own way and why welfare is socialism	(60)
(Vator TV)		Facebook might not be worth the $15 billion price tag. CEO Zuckerberg: "When you raise money you take the best valuation you can get"	(15)
		Barack Obama has promised to get rough with companies that move manufacturing jobs overseas. Two days later, Honeywell calls Obama a pussy, moves 700 jet jobs overseas	(166)
		Starbucks hires new CFO. Hires another CFO across the street	(22)

		HR Barbie slashes 1,000 office jobs at Mattel	(12)
(Some Guy)		Japan's Nikkei drops over 6% on rumors that Obama will not be able to defeat Godzilla	(14)
		World's largest Lamborghini dealer closes. Because nobody wants an unreliable 300K, 12-cylinder, 2 seater with giant blind spots that's not a hybrid	(46)
		Oil prices drop towards $60 on news of Fark link #4,000,000	(21)
		AT&T confirms: 3G tethering finally comes to iPhone	(45)
		Craigslist will start charging a credit-card fee for "erotic services" (read: prostitution) ads	(95)
		Microsoft promises better battery life, less suckage in Windows 7	(77)
(bizjournals.com)		Yahoo suggests Microsoft should make new offer. Microsoft suggests Yahoo should blow it out their ass	(29)
		You know times are hard when even the Las Vegas casinos are going bankrupt	(38)
		Facebook bans "Dead Babies Make Me Laugh" group. And so it begins	(63)
		Whole Foods Markets posted a 96% drop in net income in the fourth quarter, because people are switching from caviar to bologna. Mmmmmmm, bologna	(87)
		Veteran Bear Stearns manager takes a drug overdose and jumps from his 29th floor apartment after finding he wouldn't be hired by J.P. Morgan Chase. And so it begins	(74)
		Britain's car sales plummet 23% after everybody realizes they're driving on the wrong side of the road	(11)
		Gold price falls on news that Venezuela has decided to nationalize another industry	(18)
		PayPal founder Peter Thiel's hedge fund blows up	(37)
		Britain's banks warn consumers that mortgage rates will not decline no matter how much the Bank of England lowers interest rates today, adding "Muhahaha"	(15)
		Bank of England cuts UK interest rates by 1.5%	(51)
(Some Guy)		Despite huge games like Guitar Hero and World of Warcraft, Activision still manages a huge net loss for 3rd Quarter	(39)
		International Energy Agency expects oil to go back above $100 a barrel by 2015 or Memorial Day weekend, whichever comes first	(12)
(Some Guy)		Insatiable demand for single-malt scotch in China, India and Russia empties liquor store shelves in Canada, leaving Canadian residents with nothing to mix with Clamato juice or Sunny D	(42)

(Some Guy)		As the price of crude oil plunges, the question is asked: where have all the peak oil zealots gone?	(112)
		Stocks tank on news that Obama wants to take all your money and spend it on ridiculous things like healthcare and education	(77)
		FCC gives the green light to the Verizon/Alltel merger. Which explains lack of faux Verizon Guy in those annoying Alltel commercials recently	(25)
		General Motors proves they're as good at making car loans as they are at making cars: not so much	(33)
		Oil plummets on news that Obama will make us all drive tiny cars that cause others to question our sexuality	(44)
		President-elect Obama already improving economy. Forces Chicago Tribune back to the presses. Is there nothing he can't do?	(29)
		Five myths about the Great Depression. An interesting read for anybody who may have just recently been elected to the highest office in America	(114)
		♫ Ba-da-da-da-da... he's pluggin' it ♪	(15)
		Suppliers of US military weapons prepare for downturn in business following Barack's election	(163)
		Asian and European markets soar on news of the election of Barack Obama. That is change we can take to the bank	(25)

		Boeing delays 787 Dreamliner test flight. No, this is not a repeat from last quarter, or the quarter before that, or the quarter before that	(22)
(Seeking Alpha)		Stock analysts downgrade Sirius XM to "underperform," based on inability to renegotiate debt and on horrible 2008-09 auto sales projections	(14)
		Oil surges to $71 per barrel upon news that the new Britney Spears CD is now in stores	(15)
		Nortel to cut 5000 jobs. This headline is a repeat from 2000, 2001, 2002 (twice), 2003, 2004, 2005 (twice), 2006 (threepeat), and 2007	(15)
		Yeah, hi Dell employees, if you could go ahead and not come in Sunday or the rest of the week so we can cut costs, that would be great	(25)
		Factory orders tumble again. I guess they didn't get the first tumble that they ordered	(24)
		US Airways to charge $7 for pillows and blankets, expected to crank the AC way up during flights	(20)
		ADM In $500 million brazilian ethanol joint venture. Just how may zeros are in $500 million brazilian anyway?	(18)
		You know the market is volatile when BMW won't even try to forecast its 2008 earnings	(17)
		If you picked AT&T as the next ISP to roll out bandwidth caps, come claim your prize	(100)
		Siemens ejaculates its 50 percent share in Fujitsu joint venture	(11)
		Brothel revenue falls on soft market and competition from bankers in screwing customers	(18)
		Marvell slashes outlook, citing gloomy economy. This is bad news... for Spider-Man	(19)

		Platinum surpasses gold as worst metal performer. Platinum apologizes to its fans, promises to get clean and rehearse more before touring again	(33)
		Oil chiefs fearing having to bathe in regular bathtubs filled with water instead of money, warn of price spike if investment wanes	(31)
		Dow plummets 5 points. EVERYBODY DO NOTHING	(119)
		Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison, Steve Ballmer, Jeff Bezos, and Rupert Murdoch are the biggest losers of Great Depression II so far; have lost a collective $38.5 billion. Schadenfreude to the right	(59)
		CNBC continues to try to put a positive spin on this "downturn"	(23)
		U.S. factory activity crashes to a 26-year low. This is bad news ... for the economy	(46)
		Former chief risk officer at Bear Stearns will soon be doing a heckuvajob at the Federal Reserve	(42)
(Some Guy)		Countries around the globe lower their personal taxes to attract labor. Denmark still tops the world with a 59 percent individual tax rate. But that includes all the free pastry you can eat	(288)
		MasterCard number one prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. $1,000 per annum buys you a 0.04 carat inlay. Very nice	(16)
		News: One of Australia's largest share trading company says the dropping Aussie dollar will increase trade competition; Fark: It's using the "iPod price index" as a key indicator	(10)
		Chinese government urges citizens to "Buy Chinese." Even they won't buy that cheap crap	(26)