Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Business Archives for '2008-10-26 23:59:59'

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Sun October 26, 2008

		Bank of Wells Farkovia Group New York Mellon Chase America Inc. Try fitting that on an ATM card	(11)
		CNN asks: What drives gas prices? "Greedy asshats on Wall Street" somehow doesn't make the list	(32)
		Ever wondered why credit card rates don't drop along with lowered interest rates? Here comes the gouging	(55)
		R.I.P. Keynesian Economics: 1936-2008. We hardly knew ye	(92)
		Best Buy's president started out as a sales associate. Which might explain why the company sucks so much	(49)

Sat October 25, 2008

(THonline)	"Iowa's Oldest Bar and Restaurant" burns to the ground for the second time in a year	(24)
	Remember the politicians telling us that the $700 billion bailout would help get banks lending again? Well, not so much, as it turns out	(55)
	OPEC cuts production but price of oil still falls. How's that schadenfreude working out for you now? Huh, smart guys?	(45)
	One in four hedge funds expected to fold by Christmas. This is bad news, for your 101(k)	(54)
	Not content with their failed investment in AIG, the U.S. government will now invest in life insurance companies. In other news, it is now illegal to die	(23)

Fri October 24, 2008

	"Hot Wheels are hot again. Parent company Mattel is now worth more than GM. Got an old Beach Bomb VW model in the attic? You're rich"	(33)
(Some Guy)	Volvo sold 42,000 trucks Q3 2007. This year they sold... uh... 115 trucks in Q3. Not a typo	(27)
	Move over AIG, Iceland is requesting "several billion" dollars more in financial assistance. Threatens to release several new Björk albums if the world financial community does not comply	(32)
(Some Guy)	Pepsi introduces "new generation" of Pepsi bottles	(80)
	National Association of Realtors releases self-aggrandizing information about home sales, just in time for SUNDAY OPEN HOUSE OH MY GOD THE OWNERS BAKED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES WE HAVE TO BUY THIS HOUSE NOW	(41)
	Faltering economy to introduce layaway to a whole new generation of poor people	(44)
	Struggling pub revives its fortunes with £1 value menu, proving that people will even eat English food if it's cheap enough	(16)
	Good news: Gasoline is a lot cheaper. Bad news: It won't help the economy	(25)
	Falling lobster prices in Maine is a lot like Hurricane Katrina according to those who don't know the difference between falling lobster prices and Hurricane Katrina	(30)
(Some Guy)	French auto workers, angry at a temporary closure of a Renault plant, blockade plant with burning tires. VOUS LE FAITES FAUX	(28)
	Tesla loses $40K on each roadster it sells. EV1 unavailable for comment	(27)
	Standard and Poor's downgrades the New York Times to junk bond status, meaning their credit rating finally matches their reporting quality	(37)
	Dollar crushes euro and British pound on news that no one likes snails or spotted dick	(31)
	World markets down a bajillion points as their stocks enter all-out freefall. Congratulations, you now owe money on your 401k	(95)
	28-year old model marries 64-year old Netscape billionaire for love	(111)
	OPEC decides to cut oil production by 1.5 million barrels a day over concerns that they might be affected by the global recession like everyone else	(51)
	Layman's terms: market futures all plummet, oil below $65, Asian markets tank. Technical Term: Friday	(370)
	Happy 79th b-day, October 24 crash that started the depression	(28)
	On a positive note: The greed of U.S. investment bankers will lead to the starvation of millions worldwide. Wait, that's not positive. Hey, cat food is on sale this week. SCORE	(35)
	Failing in every other measure he's tried, Hank Paulson wants to buy into regional banks who had nothing to do with subprime lending. He is Paulson of Borg, you will respond to his questions	(19)
(MyWay News)	You think the employment situation is bad now? The shiat has yet to hit the fan. Get in the welfare line and collect your food stamps and gubbament cheese, citizen	(59)

Thu October 23, 2008

		Scion is the most reliable car, probably because owners are ashamed to take it out of their garage	(83)
		Good news everyone, the $122.8 billion we've given to AIG "may not be enough." Who knew hookers and blow were so expensive?	(57)
		"Let's hope we are all wealthy and retired by the time this house of cards falters.''	(61)
		New York Times running on fumes	(53)
		Dow AgroSciences to sue Quebec for ban on pestisides, also for giving world Celine Dion. NAFTA SUCKS	(26)
		GM issues recall on all employees' matching 401k contributions	(57)
		Credit rating execs admit some blame, cats & dogs start living together	(6)
		Mandatory health insurance has not changed the number of Massachusetts residents who can afford medical care and drugs	(43)
		Leave me negative eBay feedback? That's a libel suit	(42)
		Mortgage foreclosures up more than 70 percent in the third quarter, as morans who work at Taco Bell get kicked out of their $450,000 tract homes financed by no-down-payment balloon mortgages	(295)
		Good News: Foreclosures down 12% from last quarter. Bad News: Foreclosures up 21% from last year	(23)
		Markets prepare for another horrible day on news that Subby just wants a damned greenlight	(17)
		Alan Greenspan urges tighter regulation of financial markets after destroying most of the regulation himself. Throws Ayn Rand into the wood chipper for good measure	(87)

Wed October 22, 2008

	AT&T iPhone sales continue to skyrocket. This is bad news... for AT&T	(32)
	Ticketmaster fires 300 employees due to financial crunch, collects 10 percent of their severance in convenience fees	(24)
	AIG suspends some golden parachutes, barn door catches horse on ass	(19)
(Some Guy)	Bennigan's to begin again	(18)
	KB Toys releases its list of hot holiday toys that your kid doesn't want this Christmas, but you will end up buying them anyway because it's on this stupid list	(74)
	Huge losses in 401k and pension funds means pretty soon your parents are going to be moving into YOUR basement, become internet toughguys	(71)
	The more Starbucks a country has, the bigger its financial problems. "It may sound doppio, but work with me"	(25)
	Economic crisis is resulting in what Wal-Mart CEO calls "disturbing behaviors" -- such as discontinuing credit card use, living within one's means	(23)
	Oil falls to 67$ a barrel on news that.... shakes magic 8-ball..... Nick Hogan is behind the wheel again	(57)
	Loonie slips under 80 cents in real money	(31)
	Take out a mortgage you couldn't afford? Lie about your income in order to get it? Didn't bother to care that the numbers were all made up? Congrats, it wasn't your fault at all	(205)
	Yahoo firing another 1500 workers, will change its name to "Meh"	(30)
	We secretly overcharged these customers at Target to the tune of $1.7 million dollars. Let's see if anybody notices	(13)
	Much like Paris Hilton, credit markets get much looser after giant money shot	(84)
	Standard & Poor's, Fitch and Moody's responsible for exposing the entire financial system to unquantifiable risk. Confused eBay ratings with bond ratings	(26)
	Kerkorian sells part of stake in Ford; considers using suicide machine to kill company	(10)
	Southwest Airlines innovation on airline scheduling means fewer cheap-ass flights for ordinary travelers	(11)
	Chrysler may end up where many of its vehicles do -- in the chop shop	(22)
(Some Investment Guy)	Remember six months ago when people were screaming that the weak dollar signaled the end of the world? Today, the dollar hit 17-month high as global investors can't seem to get enough of them	(31)
	I am the Dread Pirate 24 Percent APR. There will be NO SURVIVORS	(44)
	DJIA down four percent just for shiats and giggles	(24)
	Wal-Mart orders China suppliers to tighten up their quality standards from "will kill you" to "not so likely to kill you"	(23)
	Wachovia reports loss of $2.23 a share, or $11.18 a share including "one-time items." Yo, I saw this stock market going down in flames and I was like, oh my god WHEEEEEEE	(30)
	Out a CIA agent, authorize torture and monitor communications of all Americans? Bah, that was just good fun. Mess with the finances of Americans? That's a perp walk	(21)
	European, Asian major markets dive steeply. Nikkei: -6.8%. Australia: -3.1%. South Korea's KOSPI: -5.1%. Hang Seng: -6%. Singapore: -4.8%. SENSEX: -4%. Good morning again, America	(27)
	It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine). UBS, Merrill Lynch and JPMorgan bankers ordered to fly coach. The horror. The horror	(19)
	I know the lousy economy is hurting us all, but won't someone please think of the poor Mercedes dealers?	(25)

Tue October 21, 2008

	Price of oil set to rise on the news that OPEC is run by a-holes	(64)
	Chrysler sale could put Michigan economy, jobs, housing, taxes and image at risk. In other news, Michigan still has economy, jobs, housing, taxes and an image	(43)
	1.59 million cribs recalled. MTV inconsolable	(14)
	If you were bidding for a piano on eBay, you might want to switch to the "Buy It Now" option	(22)
	Natalie Portman solves the financial crisis	(60)
	Another positive side to the tanking economy: Dumb rich kids will soon have the Ivy League schools all to themselves, as smart middle-class kids can't afford it any more	(197)
	Feds set up program to buy assets from underperforming money market funds. Yet somehow this is not a socialistic redistribution of wealth, according to John McCain	(28)
	Determined to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, Barney Frank helps Obama by revealing the Democrats' tax-and-spend plan	(158)
(PhD)	Handy decision chart from academia to see if you should be concerned by economic meltdown	(17)
(NextAutos.com)	Not long after Tesla shutters its Detroit offices and lays off workers with a blog post, their flagship Los Angeles showroom is closed without explanation and company officials aren't talking. Move along, nothing to see here	(78)

Mon October 20, 2008

		The Greatest Depression, as seen on the covers of The Economist	(44)
		California home sales rise dramatically a) because people are buying foreclosed homes, b) because people are downsizing, or c) because they are measuring from last year's sales?	(25)
		Revel in the awesomeness that is Neel Kashkari, the Bailout Chief's, high school yearbook vanity page. Complete with Rush quotes for extra fail. In other news, we're all farked	(44)
		Banks falling over themselves to que up for the Great Cash Grab of 2008	(38)
		Miller announces plans to halt Zima production. In other news, Miller was still producing Zima	(60)
		Long John Silver to roll out healthy menu. Expect followups: "Long John Silver goes bankrupt," "Long John Silver caught dealing meth," "Long John Silver makes parrot pornos"	(40)
		Hormel cuts the fat from its 2008 profit forecast	(11)
		Stocks fall on news that CNN predicts a market surge	(25)
		Airlines will be cutting up to 3000 flights over Thanksgiving, which should do a lot to make that trip to your in-laws' just crackle with excitement	(85)
		Bernanke indicates that the limp economy may need additional stimulating before it can perform	(30)
		Circuit city to close 150 stores and slash thousands of jobs to stave off bankruptcy. Soon to be known as Circuit Village	(76)
		The New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys have teamed up to found their own hospitality business. It will have exclusive rights to concessions, catering, and merchandise in the teams' new stadia (yes, stadia is plural for stadium)	(37)
		How to turn the recession into a depression: Act responsibly	(44)
		A SHOCKING look at what companies don't want you to know: when costs go down, prices don't	(85)