After 74 years and tens of thousands of horribly-produced commercials, the very first original Carvel ice cream store has closed its doors	(24)
		Hedge fund managers calling it quits. "What I've learned about the hedge-fund business is that I hate it. I have enough money that I don't have to work, why should I put myself under that much stress?"	(28)
		Ford celebrates receiving new 25 billion dollars...by rolling out even more vehicles that they cannot sell	(37)
		I would like a layover in Denver, a near miss in Miami, a meal in Minneapolis, and a cancellation in Toledo. Oh, and can I get my bags lost somewhere over North Dakota? Thanks	(66)
		New homes are selling at the slowest pace in 17 years. You know, that time we were at war with Iraq and Bush's term was almost over	(24)
(NYSE)		The New York Stock Exchange installs "circuit breakers" to deal with 3,350-point drops and higher	(26)
		Bank bailout plan somehow includes mental health coverage for Texans, which is stupid because everybody knows Texans are proud of their incurable insanity	(38)
		Dick Fuld, who only netted half a million bucks in stock options this year for running Lehman Brothers into bankruptcy, saved from abject poverty by his wife's keen eye for abstract expressionist art. Whew, that's a relief	(18)
		Masatuc.. Massatwo.. MA is next state in line to beg Fed for money; just enough to "take the edge off"	(30)
		Wall Street is likely to reject the bailout bill	(314)
		Wells Fargpwned	(31)
(The Economist)		Japanese companies capitalize on America's financial misery by going on spending spree abroad, hoping to party like it's 1989	(10)

		Americans upset that the average CEO makes hundreds of times the average American's salary. You mean pay disparity makes people angry? Who knew?	(131)
(Some Guy)		NHL and its tens of fans set to be the sports league that takes the hardest hit from the financial crisis	(37)
		FDIC brokers sale of Wachovia for $2.1 billion, and will take losses. Wells Fargo offers $14.8 billion with no government cost. Guess which one the government likes better? I'm sure glad we gave them $700 billion more	(139)
(It's an outbreak)		Watch the time-lapse spread of Wal-Mart over the years	(78)
		Employees off sick for long periods more likely to die before co-workers. On a positive note, at least they're not spreading their death colds around the office	(15)
		Google and Yahoo coming under anti-trust scrutiny. WaMorgan CitiFargchovia laughs and points	(12)
		Why the "Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008" is good for you, the responsible taxpayer	(65)
		After unsubstantiated Steve Jobs heart-attack rumor crosses the wires, Apple fanbots panic and sell AAPL stock en maase	(42)

(Financial Post)		Canadian dollar heading for worst week in 38 years, but it's still worth more than the Australian dollar, so that's nice	(23)
		In spite of the bailout, Dow Jones Industrial Average closes below Monday's lows. Is it time to panic yet?	(58)
		Biggest single monthly job loss in five years	(36)
		Bob Dylan understands the weak economy. Too bad no one can understand Bob Dylan	(18)
		Fox Business pundit actually reads $850 billion bailout legislation. Freak-outlarity ensues	(40)
		Studies sponsored by the Corn Refiners Association show that High Fructose Corn Syrup is the same as sugar. Additionally, studies show that Brawndo has the electrolytes that plants crave	(253)
		The faltering economy is the reason your nipples are somewhere around your knees	(88)
		If you had "California" as the next institution to request a bailout in the credit crunch pool, please step forward to collect your prize	(235)
		Wells Farkovia	(56)
		Nicolas Sarkozy's bailout plan is doomed. Consolation Prize: He still gets to bang Carla Brunei	(16)
		Entuire stauff ouf Canadiaun Oxfourd Dictiounary Lauid Ouff amuid decluining saules	(21)

		Looks like the joke is on us. There really isn't a credit crisis and the bail out was just a scare tactic by Wall Street for us to buy up their bad debt	(81)
		Normally, when the Dow falls 330 points, it's national news. These days, though, it's known as "Thursday"	(34)
		Further proof of how hosed the American economy is: Even Mexicans are avoiding us	(55)
		What recession? Kohl's launched 46 stores yesterday	(50)
		Oil prices falling to $50? It's more likely than you think	(91)
		So far...both presidential candidates support the bailout...as do Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, George Bush, and Vladimir Putin and now British Prime Minister Gordon Brown	(162)
		A well-written, clear and intelligent explanation of why the credit crunch is going to be the end of us all, no matter what the government does	(103)
		It turns out Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne isn't a complete raving lunatic after all, even if he did fire Sabine Ehrenfeld	(21)
		International markets fail to rally when it becomes apparent that the Senate plan isn't actually going to hold anyone accountable for anything	(33)
		The top people who earned the most money for the least amount of work	(21)
		The bailout bill repeats the same mistakes that Japan made following the burst of their bubble in 1990	(94)
		And the latest Chinese product being recalled due to unsafe chemical levels is... pretzels	(75)
		Tensions between France and Germany escalate. This is not a repeat from 1914 or 1939	(51)
		Eighteen percent of U.S. car dealerships could fail within a year. Bring in your beat-up old Scary or Obvious tag, and we'll pay off your trade NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU OWE	(102)

		Google unveils $4.4 trillion alternative energy plan	(59)
		Chrysler sales plummet by 33%. In other news, Chrysler still selling cars	(40)
(The Moscow Times)		Russian stock market turns around after two-hour timeout, juiceboxes	(8)
		Warren Buffett explains why he just bought $3 Billion worth of GE preferred stock and also why the economy sucks	(42)
		Credit crunch hits where it hurts as Hugh Hefner forced to layoff bunnies	(15)
		The 15 hottest CEO wives	(66)
(Some Guy)		Zimbabwe dollar slips to new low on news that such a thing is even possible	(24)
		GE stock tumbles on concerns of 2009 earnings, NBC fall lineup	(18)
		Congratulations Americans, you were just forced to buy a crappy American car, thanks to that $25 billion loan package to U.S. automakers	(353)
		WaMu gave their new CEO a signing bonus of $7.5 million just before the bank failed. The poor guy didn't even get to catch a single pass	(27)
		New Yorkers giddy they can upgrade from bathroom to walk-in closet, now that the NYC housing market is following Wall Street down the toilet	(95)
		"Why Propping Up Banks Will Not Rescue a Debauched Financial System." Oh, c'mon -- nobody says "debauched" anymore. Yeesh	(161)
(Some Guy)		Automaker takes the obvious action when faced with declining auto sales due to tight credit and expensive fuel: It opens a social media website	(53)
		The obscure government agency you have never heard of just told America's banks, "You're not broke, just put down whatever number pops into your head. It's cool"	(50)
		Videotape an argument between two JetBlue passengers? That's a detainin'. With argument video goodness, shot by the grandmother who was escorted off the flight in cuffs	(126)
		Stocks in decline again today. Free market enthusiasts foam at the mouth, insist this is a good thing, recession is good for the economy, slavery is freedom, we have always been at war with Oceania, meep meep, twitch twitch	(166)
		Bank repeatedly texts all customers their passwords have been stolen. Hey White House, THAT'S how you cause a bank panic	(3)
(Portfolio)		The amount the U.S. owes is so large, they can't fit the number on the National Debt Clock. Math is hard	(252)
		Senate to amend bailout bill to include a massive tax cut. So we're going to fix the financial problems by increasing our spending and decreasing our revenue. Economics professors slap foreheads, wipe hands on pants	(134)
		See if you can pass the FCAT: Financial Crisis Aptitude Test	(23)

		Google loses over $18 billion in market value due to an end of the day trading snafu	(26)
		Bush reassures American taxpayers that bailout will pay for itself: "We expect that this money will eventually be paid back." Merrill Lynch analysts: "Um, not so much. Try 18 cents on the dollar."	(82)
		The word of the day is "schadenfreude"	(42)
		Finally, a sensible explanation of the economic crisis and reasonable bailout plan written by a professional dominatrix	(18)
		"Executive pay rates and Wall Street in particular have reached extraordinary heights. We may be at the point where the pendulum is beginning to shift." YA THINK?	(47)
		Ten things to expect from the new post-apocalyptic economy.... besides Mel Gibson chasing roving gangs of Jewish folks in a supercharged black Pursuit Special	(133)
		FDIC asks for permission to raise insurance to $250,000 per individual account	(40)
		In the latest round of "pin the tail on the person to blame for the financial crisis," Andrew Cuomo is the current ass	(24)
(Ohio State University)		Damn those homeowners for the mortgage cri... what's that? It was commercial borrowers and land speculators? Say it ain't so	(46)
		Oil prices level off at $100 per barrel on news that tonight, someone, somewhere, somehow will win the AL Central Pennant	(16)
		Retail sector: Santa is still coming to town. No word on coal futures	(5)
		Forget the Dow and the NASDAQ. The real measure of the economy is how well the gold-diggers and strippers are doing	(77)
		Calm down and don't load up your Model-T for a trip to find a job picking fruit and beating up company thugs: There won't be another Depression	(116)
(Family Security Matters)		House bailout guru Barney Frank had a long term relationship with a Fannie Mae exec who promoted high risk loans	(66)
		Stocks rebound on news that the Financial Markets are full of half-wits who don't have a clue, the government are a bunch of fear-mongering pin heads, and that you signed a mortgage you couldn't possibly afford. Subby refills his scotch	(189)
		Not all markets are down. Tesco is up 10 percent, still a mess	(3)
		Markets: Oh my God, the bailout bill failed. The sky is falli -- wait a minute, the sky is right there where it always was. Never mind	(47)
(TechCrunch)		September Madness continues. How many banks are still alive in your brackets? Can Citigroup make the Final Four?	(83)
		Fallout from bailout failure could create "economic 9/11," says economist C. Little. So tonight we're gonna panic like it's 1929	(37)
		Three giants now tower over U.S. banking scene: Gargantua, Pantagruel, and Rosie O'Donnell	(15)
		Some corner of a foreign field that is forever England: Quaint English village escapes housing crisis by being in Kurdish Iraq	(8)
		CNN presented a calm informative look at Congress' bailout refute. Just kidding, they melted down even worse than the stock market	(75)
		"If Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were free market institutions they could not have gotten away with their risky financial practices because no one would have bought their securities without assuming politicians would bail them out"	(187)
(Portfolio)		Who Killed The Economy? A fun game for the whole family, at least until they turn the power off	(35)
		In these times of economic uncertainty, it's good to know you have someone you can rely on. Step to the Wu, Wu Tang Financial. (Not safe for work language)	(27)
		New York City newspaper goes out of business. The Sun was there	(72)
(Some Guy)		Consumers are now using 58 percent of their available credit card limits. For those hurting in this economy, take comfort in your plasma television, outdoor furniture and all the other worthless crap you financed at a 32 percent APR	(90)
		To put the stock market collapse in dollar terms, $1.2 trillion was wiped off the face of the earth	(79)
		Campbell's Soup was the only stock in the S&P 500 to gain in today's bloodbath. Proving, once again, guns, ammo and canned good are your only safe investment options	(42)

		Asian, Pacific markets are plummeting wildly on U.S. bailout failure, promising a really wacky Tuesday on Wall Street	(536)
		Wendy's unveils three-point plan to boosting profitability: (1) target older customers, (2) change up value menu, (3) improve fries. Bye-bye, Mr. Red-Wig Guy	(63)
		Harvard economist says bankruptcy is better than bailout	(83)
		Creative Loafing files for bankruptcy. They'll have plenty of time to loaf now	(27)
		Separate from the bailout, the U.S. Federal Reserve is doing everything in its power to ensure the dollar will soon be worth less than Monopoly money	(38)
		In an era before the Federal Reserve, the US looked to one man to save them during the economic panic of 1907. It took locking 50 bankers in his library for hours, but here's how J.P. Morgan did it	(19)
(Some Guy)		Finally, an easy-to-understand explanation of the financial mess that doesn't resort to name calling and hyperbole	(78)
		"Dow Jones industrials down nearly 780 points in their largest one-day point drop ever." Hey, we broke the record. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!	(784)
		"Congratulations on your new home, Paul. Glad we could make your day"	(32)
		Another sign of the Apocalypse is upon us: Denny's is one of the top 10 healthiest restaurants	(59)
		Well, the bailout was fun while it lasted. Hilarity ensues	(2172)
(CJR)		Mississippi hometown newspaper for Obama/McCain debate fielded a flood of questions from respected news organizations, mainly about where they could get a good meal that didn't involve pig's intestines	(23)
		Swedish debt collection agency soon to start harrassing itself	(7)
(Belfast Telegraph)		Oil companies unite under Emo brand, thereby depressing the market	(5)
		IBM's latest innovation is a sprinkler with an on/off switch. Yes, I know it's unbelievable, but hands off -- this baby's patented	(10)
		Canada to USA: Your made bed, let me show you it	(209)
(Some Guy)		Citiovia? WaCiti?	(260)
		UK markets taking U.S. bailout plan about as well as you'd expect	(57)