Bear Stearns close to being acquired by JP Morgan for two bottles of Tums and a hooker to be named later	(71)
		The fed is expected to cut rates again next week. Negative interest rates expected by year end	(113)
		Massachusetts refuses to buy railroad tracks because state would be liable for accidents, will instead continue to rent tracks under agreement making state liable for accidents	(6)
		When they start foreclosing on Las Vegas casinos things must really be tough all over (full article pasted in first post)	(28)
		Air France buys Alitalia, vows to preserve under-wing hair	(72)
		Ford Motor Company stock hits lowest level since 1985. Good thing Marty McFly dumped his holdings	(30)
		Mysterious new company is preparing to bring Canada its first modern cellphone network	(39)

(NY Times)		Study finds that there are three times as many cars trying to park as there are on-street spaces in Lower Manhattan. If only there were an underground train like transit system that workers could take from outlying areas	(140)
		FHA to aid Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which is either a bad indicator for the economy or good news for fans of HEE HAW	(7)
		Boeing CEO's pay dropped to $19 Million last year. The world's smallest violin: let me show you it	(37)
(NY Daily News)		Bear Stearns is not alone. Our banking system is stretched to the limit. Many of our financial institutions are like homeowners with multiple mortgages. Stop. Panic time	(62)
(Some Guy)		Fair and balanced? How about hot and hittable? News Corp's newest board member is a shocker	(28)
(Some Guy)		If you are an all-natural, locally-grown, organic food kind of person, turns out Big Agra has got you pwned	(26)
		Aussie ute to head to the United States, prompting a confused Southern judge to ask what a ute is	(31)
		Your tax dollars are propping up Bear Stearns for about 20 days. After that, this house of cards will fall	(48)
		US airlines must pay for their carbon dioxide emissions or be banned from flying to Europe, EU warns	(40)

(WGAL)		After 267 vehicle fires and 17 structure fires, GM recalls every 3.8-liter V6 made after 1997	(172)
		United, Continental up airfares by $50. Customers: Now up yours	(25)
		Britney Spears worth $120 million to the US economy. Economists value her Cheetos stash at $30 million	(9)
(Bloomberg)		In a sign that the U.S. dollar has hit rock-bottom, Chilean strippers are offering to exchange dollars at the higher 2004 exchange rate to discourage Americans from cutting back on visits	(9)
		Bailout of Bear-Stearns by Fed-Morgan is a trick last used in the 1930s. We know how THAT worked out	(21)
		Bush says Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is doing a heck of a job on the U.S. economy. Uh oh	(273)
		Weak dollar means the US economy is now #2 in the world, figuratively and literally	(510)
		Bearish traders worried that the liquidity disease afflicting Bear Stearns has been caught by Lehman Brothers. Here comes Mr. Potter and the bloodbath	(12)
		Bernanke expected to slash rates again next Tuesday for Americas bankruptcy sale. "We will not be undersold -- everything must go"	(21)
		The sweetest economic karma in the no-regulation Bush Administration? His daddy's company has tanked on margin calls	(14)
		According to federal government CPI numbers that are in no way made up, energy prices fell 0.5 percent last month. In other news, government economists apparently live on Mars	(14)
		European Central Bank plans to buy dollars -- lots of them -- to ensure that Americans can buy Nutella on credit	(35)
		Southwest would like you to know they've repaired four of their airplanes on which maintenance had been an afterthought. And they only had big cracks in them, so there's really nothing to worry about with all the others. Fly Southwest	(59)
		European Central Bank, unlike the U.S. government, doesn't lie about their February inflation, which grew 3.3 percent for the month. Rates expected to remain steady	(9)
		Terminal 5 officially opens at Heathrow, increasing passenger capacity by 30 million. Not bad for an airport which only has two runways	(12)
		$4.00 gas is here. In Hawaii. EVERYBODY PEDICAB	(69)
		For about the 150th day in a row, CNBC is reporting that stocks are down on credit fears and weakness in the financial sector	(17)
		Bear Stearn, able to get by with a little help from its friends, gets bailout from Morgan Freeman and K-Fed	(35)

		The U.S. dollar has become so worthless even South American workers are demanding to be paid in euros or shiny pieces of metal. ¡Ay Dios Mio	(57)
		Bowing to pressure, Coca-Cola stops selling Coke Cancer™ to Mexico	(105)
		Not news: Employees are to take two weeks off this summer. News: That's ALL employees. Fark: That's all GM employees	(35)
		Standard & Poor proclaims that up is down, left is right, and ugly is hot. The end to the financial crisis is upon us	(21)
		Faced with soaring demand for their product, France expands its official Champagne region far enough that you might start seeing the stuff come out of vineyards in Scotland	(15)
		Citigroup, the world's largest bank, reaches out to their near-death former CEO for advice. Nope, they're not swirling the bowl. No siree	(54)
		AT&T now charges you money to pay them	(34)
		Aetna to offer an online service to allow customers to be turned down for basic care even faster	(12)
		Disney says it wouldn't buy AOL if it had a $100 bill hanging out of its zipper	(22)
		The latest victim of the economy: Girl Scout cookie sales	(48)
(Some Guy)		EA attempts hostile takeover of Take-Two. Take-Two responds by crashing cargo van into EA headquarters and opening fire with semiautomatic weapons	(24)
		Gold futures hit $1,000 an ounce for the first time on news that the dollar ain't worth the oil it's printed for	(98)
		Carlyle Capital Corp (CARC.AS) about to become CARCASS	(11)
(The Courier)		Quaker Oats to power one of its plants with oat husks. It's the right thing to do and the tasty, carbon-neutral way to do it	(17)
		Bush Administration seeks to overhaul mortgage and credit market regulations, close barn door	(22)
		Farm income is up a whopping 44 percent thanks to higher food prices, but farmers are ready to hoover up a record level of taxpayer dollars in this year's farm bill pending in Congress	(149)
		AOL buys Bebo for $850 million in cash	(40)
		When Target starts trying to offload their accounts receivable, you know the U.S. economy is farked	(20)

		Sirius CEO hints at a merger with XM. No, this isn't a repeat from a year ago	(19)
		Up next on the "Who's going bankrupt now?" channel: Birmingham, Alabama	(26)
		Humana admits they can't do basic math. Stock plummets 50% in two days. In other news, don't get sick	(11)
		Oil supplies are up and demand is down, yet prices are at a record high thanks to speculators concerned about the weak dollar. It's a bubble that's going to burst and shower us all with sticky goo	(50)
		Blackstone co-founder made $4.7 billion in 2007. No word on how much of that was used on hookers. Spitzer	(20)
		Bill Gates: Tight immigration forces outsourcing, whining, and endless references to South Park	(34)
		Time Warner's chief executive hints AOL might be in play. Subby starts the bidding at a pack of cigarettes and a scratched up DVD of "The Man With Two Brains."	(34)
		Texas Instruments cut its q1 forecasts, citing a weaker 3G market. Shares of Nokia, etc also down	(14)
		He doesn't like meetings, e-mail, or MBAs: He's the CEO of Craigslist	(23)
(MSN Money)		Yes, foreclosures in places may be up 75% from last year, but it is regional and the national average is only 1%	(82)
(Some Guy)		Old and busted: Only transactions over $10,000 were reported to the IRS. New hotness: Banks report many more out of the fear of fines, fiduciary responsibility, and waterboarding	(24)
(Bloomberg)		Another day, another record low for the US dollar	(24)
		$200 billion (and a very nice securities gift assortment) buys a one-day 416 point market rally, which quickly fizzles and dies. It's time to bring on the juggling siamese twins, Bernie	(21)
		297 Filipino nurses lured to Saskatchewan by job recruiters just in time for moose biting season	(110)
		Futures point to a higher market open as more liquidity and looser collateral rules are about as exciting as hookers and blow to Wall Street traders	(6)
		You're not alone, Eliot: one-third of men and 20% of women who own private jets say they've paid for sex	(264)
		Surging gas prices force an end to the persual of a "green tax" on fuel to provide ponies and rainbows to make everything better. Oh, Darling	(19)
(CFO Magazine)		"I think this is going to be a very ugly recession, I think it is going to be lengthy, I think it is going to be deep." That's hot	(15)
		British workers claim they're too worn out from working too hard to work, so most of them put in less than six hours a day on the job	(16)
(Some Guy)		If you are blogging about your hot co-worker, playing solitaire, and looking at porn all day at work, don't be surprised if you get your ass fired	(20)

		Dow jumps 416 points on news that the Federal Reserve can print money whenever it feels like it	(52)
(World Net Daily)		American Family Association ends Ford boycott as automaker insists their tailpipes are exit only	(102)
		Hedge your bets against inflation by investing in oil, driving up its price, and thereby driving inflation. Everybody wins	(25)
		Telemarketers using old 867-5309 callback number on their recorded pitches to get people with caller ID to pick up the phones. "I got it! I GOOOTTT IT!"	(102)
		Economists say the U.S. will avoid a recession this year. Enjoy the "free" $600 rebate you'll be getting anyway	(48)
(Bloomberg)		Soc Gen manages to recoup lost capital without selling a 10 percent stake to a SWF from the Middle East. Raises the question: Who exactly should surrender here?	(9)
		The burst of the housing bubble was/is bad, but what is that likely to trigger? If you guessed the derivatives markets, you lose $516 trillion. At least Bernanke has the subprime mess under control, so there's that	(35)
(Bloomberg)		The trade deficit increased by a mere 0.6 percent in January. This was partially because of the weak dollar	(8)
		Stagflation may be back in a big way. Do you: A) Let the market self-adjust? B) Raise interest rates and encourage savings? C) Print a bunch of money and give it to the banks?	(18)
		Google takes control of DoubleClick. Google takes control of DoubleClick	(22)
(Ad Age)		Guinness and Anheuser-Busch team up trying to make St. Patrick's Day a national holiday, in what is no way a publicity stunt to sell black-and-tans	(186)
		GE is not going to sell NBC-Universal	(8)
		Markets open sharply higher as Fed announces new band-aid plan that will only prolong the bleeding	(18)
(MediaPost)		Celebrity-designed products aren't really designed by celebrities, but consumers are morans	(16)
		Now that their houses are worth dirt and they can't borrow any more money to buy plasma TVs, Americans are turning to a new money tree: Their 401Ks. What could possibly go wrong?	(63)
(Bloomberg)		The owner of Airbus SAS reported its first annual loss in five years on cost overruns for the A400M and forecast earnings that trailed analysts' estimates. Can I get a wha-what?	(7)
		Crude oil heads toward $109 a barrel. Soon to be renamed "obscene oil"	(429)
		In latest sign that apocalypse is upon us, job applicants' MySpace pages are more important than their resumes to prospective employers	(28)
(Business Week)		Boeing will challenge the $40 billion contract Air Force contract awarded to Northrop Grumman	(31)
(Some Guy)		Brookstone is accepting Sharper Image gift cards for the face value plus an additional 25 percent off	(16)

(Riverside Press-Enterprise)		Top sign we're in an R-E-C-you-know-what; California pawnshops full of construction tools	(25)
(Alley Insider)		CBS charges advertisers $20 per thousand online viewers, a higher rate than broadcast episodes because online viewers aren't older than dirt and can actually operate the magic box on their desk	(15)
(Some Guy)		FOX Business Channel: News you can stick your penis into	(53)
		Consumers are concerned about inflation, so they're taking drastic measures, like not going to Starbucks for a whole week	(221)
(Bloomberg)		Latest bond investment numbers indicate that Bond dealers think that Bernanke has lost control over inflation and couldn't find his own ass with written directions and a mirror	(130)
		The death of MobiTV makes the obituaries. Dead people roil in their graves at the commercialization of their domain	(9)
		Oil prices fall to $105 on account of profit taking, following news that the price of oil has risen to $107, since selling oil at a profit is really what this is all about	(13)
(Bloomberg)		Exxon-Mobil, Chevron and ConocoPhillips report $10 million in earnings in fourth quarter. That's $10 million an hour	(60)