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Sun July 31, 2011
Sat July 30, 2011
Fri July 29, 2011
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Job creators at Boston Scientific announce 1,200 job cuts a day after disclosing plans to invest $150 million and hire 1,000 people in China |
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Iowa credit union says if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling, it will offer interest-free loans to members. Yeah, it's a shameless PR stunt, but still |
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Amish investors, Playboy bunnies, Kato Kaelin, the National Lampoon, a $1.8 million car and a Ponzi scheme all in one story |
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Welcome to Costco, I love you*. *Costco only loves you if you are a legal citizen |
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NYC's best summer job: tanning concierge...which is referred to as such since "melanoma consultant" and "guidosity solutions provider" were considered too accurate |
| (Some Guy) |
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Presenting the world's only website to contain the phrase "I was at a Long John Silvers' convention in the late 70's" |
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Raise your hand if your country has a AAA credit rating. NOT SO FAST THERE, America |
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GDP does not sound fat |
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Merck to cut 12% of workforce, deepen savings, and pass the cost on to you |
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Wall Street to Netflix: Drop dead. Netflix to Wall Street: Buffering |
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Apple's earning power angers, infuriates analysts |
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Starbucks to expand its crimes against coffee |
| (Some Guy) |
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If you picked a few weeks before Spotify to get sued over a 16 year old patent. Come and claim your digital download |
| (Some Guy) |
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"The Best Airlines for 5 Types of Fliers." Because, you know, airlines are all about offering customers choice these days |
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Y'all forgot about platinum |
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Yelp decides to get in the tech derp game. Analysts threaten to give it bad reviews if they aren't given special treatment |
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McDonald's will kill one local Chinese business every 24 hours until their demands are met |
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"...The situation facing all financial markets heading into a weekend ... could prove to be one of the most crucial in history " And that's the good news |
| (Some Guy) |
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We've reached the point where a single corporation has more cash on hand than the operating balance of the whole US government. Bow and worship, iPeasants |
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Ready-to-eat chicken sold at Dollar General stores has been recalled. One hopes this doesn't affect the impeccable reputation for high food standards Americans have come to expect from Dollar General |
Thu July 28, 2011
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Illinois to start selling advertising space on state issued license plates. Snow Crash begins |
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Advisers tell investors not to sell. It's like that scene from "Braveheart" where Mel Gibson shouts "HOLD... HOLD... HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD," but only more economical |
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Aflac rally puts shine on financial sector, no thanks to Gilbert Gottfried |
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Credit Suisse cuts 2,000 to 'sell' |
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Job site Monster in the black as more and more people are in the red |
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Yo Mama so fat, when she turns around, Wisconsin throws her a welcome back party |
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Hyundai's profits up 37% after quake Fukushimas Japan. Best Korea begins work on its own quake program |
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This is what's called a 'leading indicator.' And this one is not good |
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America's best cities for young professionals. Let me save you a click: It can be anywhere with a McDonald's, Burger King, Hardees, etc |
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BASF. We don't make the stocks you buy, we make them less valuable |
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This just in: The economy is still farked |
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After recently reducing sodium level in its soups, Campbell's now raising it back. Company says that with the ineptitude we're seeing in Washington, American's blood pressure can't go any higher |
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Groupon's accounting lingo undergoing scrutiny with 10 SEC investigators for the price of 4 |
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Bristol Myers raises profit forecast. Squibb pro row |
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That vacant foreclosed house on the corner? Expect it to be empty for 60 months |
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Homebuilder misses estimates |
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Homebuilder beats estimates |
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United States considering a ban on trade with Iceland. Americans now wonder where they're going to get quality walrus blubber |
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What happens when wages don't grow faster than inflation? If you had consumer credit explodes, step forward and claim your debt bubble |
Wed July 27, 2011
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Almost 40% of Android consumers are too stupid to use the phone, versus 98.3% of iPhone buyers who are too stupid to know about a return policy |
| (Some Wanker) |
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Porn group AIM gets a money shot, a new screen name and will once again test pornstars, your mom, every 5,000 sex acts and track the STDs |
| (Duncan Banner) |
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Halliburton: Sorry for poisioning you for the last 45 years. Here's some free water...we cool? Residents: Nah, not really. Have you met our new friend ERIN BROCKOVICH? |
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Walmart begins selling streaming video, wireless pork rinds |
| (Some Guy) |
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That surprise buttsecks you just experienced was gas prices starting to rise again |
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"The US has just entered a 500-day retail recession" |
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That durable goods uptick for May proves not-so-durable, and June was worse |
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British Gas fined £2.5 million for failing to deal with customer complaints correctly. In other news, Kabletown just broke another 5000 'service' windows with a smile |
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SEC creates a super awesome 1-800-TIPS-NOW line to catch the next Madoff. Leave off the W because the SEC is too busy wanking to porn to actually try to find the next Madoff themselves |
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Tupperware burps out another great quarter |
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Employee pay set to rise to a pittance. To be paid in 20 equal installments of 1/20th of a pittance |
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Moody's up 56%. UPGRADE |
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Google's stock is going to plaid speed. How ludicrous |
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BofA donates, then demolishes houses to cut glut, reflect dreams |
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Following their IPO, Dunkin' Donuts could become bigger than Starbucks. Meanwhile, Starbucks cries salty tears into their bitter burned coffee |
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Bohner fights gonads and strife on debt plan. WHEEEEEEEEE |
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Kenyan tea production drops 16% in the 1st half amid drought. Like it or not, that's pretty steep |
| (Philanthropy.com) |
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Shriners to end tradition of free care for all at their hospitals, will continue their silly-car and weird-hat traditions |
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Partial FAA shutdown drags into fourth day with 4000 furloughed employees. Pilots calling air traffic control tower now getting answering machine |
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Been unemployed for a while? Want a job? Sucks to be you |
Tue July 26, 2011
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Canadian kilobuck up thanks to US debt debacle |
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A credit downgrade would cost the US $100 billion a year, aka Chump Change you can believe in |
| (Fuel Fix) |
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Those evil bastards at Exxon are at it again. They are going to spend $400 billion on two new tankers that will employ 1,000 shipyard workers |
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China's pork prices fall for first time since April... at least I *think* that's pork |
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Dairy prices are milking it |
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President Obama secretly tells banks: We're not defaulting. Wink, wink |
| (yomiuri.co.jp) |
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Effects of cesium beef fiasco hit meat industry. Band name of the year? |
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Just two weeks after announcing a price adjustment that angered many customers, Netflix comes out with a weaker-than-anticipated earnings outlook |
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In what would be a very crappy move, the largest county in Alabama is getting ready to declare bankruptcy over a $3 billion debt for its sewer system. It would be the largest in U.S. history |
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George Soros to retire from hedge fund managing career, will work full time on secretly running Democratic party and destroying America |
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New home sales probably stagnated. All right Bloomberg, it used to be cute that you couldn't make up your mind on the economy. It's not even funny anymore, now it's just tragic |
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Before you go on that rant about government spending, maybe you should take a look in the mirror first |
| (ITWorld) |
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Blockbuster capitalizes on Netflix's ill-advised price hike by offering a competing service for $2 more per month |
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Ford profit up 22%. CHECK ENGINE |
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Despite the terrible job market, one state has bucked all national trends and managed to add half the total jobs created in America last June: Texas. President Perry: say it, accept it, love it |
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The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has discovered that you should hold a vigil for those poor, pitiful, penniless rich people. Won't someone pray for them? |
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Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So STMicro won't be receiving a paycheck anymore |
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Glaxo revenue drops on news your mom isn't as diabeetusy or virusy as before |
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Under Armour profits up, the company admitted in a brief conference call today |
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You'll be pleased to know that BP has fully recovered from that business in the Gulf, still waiting on Pelican Brief |
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Investors have no idea what the hell the debt limit is, or what those crazy people in D.C. are talking about. Futures point to higher open |
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UBS profits down 50% on news that Apple's thunderbolt cable is the future. Tag is for that last statement |
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Hershey profits nearly double, assuming the accountant didn't fudge the numbers |
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A pox on both of your dollars |
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Amazon profits drop on poor snoo snoo outlook |
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IMF tells US that wandering around not raising the debt ceiling is no way to go through life, son |
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Prescription drug prices set to fall as patients expire, I mean patents expire |
Mon July 25, 2011
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Now that General Motors, Ford and Chrysler are making money again, guess who wants a bigger piece. Go ahead, guess |
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Gold rush at Klondike River. This is not a repeat from 1896 |
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Forbes releases Fortune 500 from every year back to 1955. Hmm, let's take a look... makes sense, makes sense, makes sense... wait, really? The Vienna Sausage company? |
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Who run Bartertown? China and Iran plan to run Bartertown |
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Patent trolls are killing innovation, but are great for lawyers |
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Your app helps people find homes to vacation in? That is worth $1 billion. Welcome to .dot com bubble 2.0 |
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From bricks to clicks: How a company run by pricks is failing at the online game |
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Moody's cuts Greece a new backdoor |
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GOLD, Jerry, GOLD |
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Rich people make poor use of their money, according to this link you paid $5/month to click |
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Flour aid for Best Korea. What for? There's no fat people there |
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Banks are adopting the old tried, and true "borrow from Peter to pay Paul" method to get out of debt |
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Honk if you love free money |
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Research In Motion, the primary maunfacturer of BlackBerry devices, lays off 2,000 workers. This headline sent via my iPhone |
| (bankrate.com) |
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Some HOA geniuses in the Foreclosure State have found yet another loophole to exploit. Morans |
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Bohner says "we are almost out of runway" on the debt talks. I just wanted to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you |
| (Dave McElroy) |
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Man listens to two hours of people trashing business, stands up, says "I was going to open a mine that paid 125 people $50,000 to $150,000 a year, but after listening to all of you I'm just quitting. See ya" |
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Kimberly-Clark up 8%. That's nothing to sneeze at, but they have you covered if you do |
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Special edition DVD of Sarah Palin's "Undefeated" to get nationwide media rollout. Just kidding - it will be sold only in Walmart |
| (ann arbor.com) |
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University of Michigan football stadium now available for weddings, with one-hour ceremony on 50 yard line for $6,000. Event planners call it doing the ultimate hitch pattern |
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A goodbye letter from the CEO of Borders |
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