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Things get worse for Fort McMurray fire evacuees, Gotze to explore other openings, and obtuse man jumps into Angle Lake: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/22 - 5/28
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-30 8:56:24 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Enjoy the headlines

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-05-22 to Sat 2016-05-28:

img.fark.net  Man who poached endangered fish is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice, may get jail time to mullet over

img.fark.net  A story that's both lame and sucks: Woman fights off burglar with crutch and vacuum cleaner

img.fark.net  Obtuse man jumps into Angle Lake, acute drowning ensues

img.fark.net  Verschlimmbesserung is the German word for "improvement that makes things worse." Or as we say in English, Microsoft

img.fark.net  Six-month-old girl water skis across Florida lake. That's nothing, a two-month-old can skip across a lake if you've got a strong enough arm

img.fark.net  Cat-filled beach is top tourist spot in Sardinia, although you should probably avoid digging in the sand

img.fark.net  Things just keep getting worse for Fort McMurray fire evacuees

img.fark.net  Fishing boat pulls four US Navy pilots out of the ocean; two are immediately thrown back as the fishermen were over their limit

img.fark.net  Shroud of Urine discovered at local gym

img.fark.net  More than 300 people on board Korean Air plane evacuated after engine fire. They also left the plane

img.fark.net  Virginia declares a Civil War battlefield an active crime scene. When will they just admit they lost?


Sports:

img.fark.net  Group says Bubba Smith died from concussion-related injuries and not overexposure to Steve Guttenberg as previously reported

img.fark.net  FIFA fires its financial director for taking millions of dollars in "irregular" bonus payments. Or as most people refer to that process, "embezzlement"

img.fark.net  Bayern Munich encourages Gotze to explore other openings


Geek:

img.fark.net  NASA satellite arrives at bizarre location, which appears to be populated by mysterious creatures who behave irrationally, defying scientific explanation

img.fark.net  Jupiter's moon Europa may have similar chemical balance to Earth and has "the right conditions for life." Oh sure, of ALL the places in the universe humans could move to, we pick the ONE place we were warned to avoid

img.fark.net  Tests show that drivers can't accurately judge the speed of approaching trai


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Johnny Ramone's widow buys his guitar at auction, says she will do something with the instrument that had never been done while her husband was alive. Tune it up?

img.fark.net  Bill Cosby to stand trial for all the rapin' and the druggin' with the wizzle and the wozzle

img.fark.net  Three shot at T.I. show in Manhattan. Calculators: Serious business


Politics:

img.fark.net  North Korea rejects Trump's offer to meet with Kim Jong Un, citing the ancient law that allows for only one egotistical dictator with a god complex in the country at a time

img.fark.net  Surprise Johnson might leave a mark on election. This is not a repeat from 1996

img.fark.net  Trump wants to hold his acceptance speech at either FirstEnergy Stadium or Progressive Field. Well these places do have a history of hosting a losing team with a rabid fan base


Business:

img.fark.net  Teen Vogue editor appointed new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. Immediately begins working on a cover story detailing the new custom home specially built for Malibu Barbie

img.fark.net  TSA to hire 768 full time screeners to help with security delays at airports. All job applicants have to wait in line three hours for an interview, after taking off their shoes and being limited to three ounces of water

img.fark.net  Foxconn replaces 60,000 jobs with robots. On the bright side, they now have a job opening for someone to talk robots out of suicide
· · ·

Fisting site members concerned with backdoor breach, Panthrs rsign Jagr, and a Sue Goog Seuss headline: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/8 - 5/14
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-16 10:44:41 AM, edited 2016-05-16 10:46:43 AM (5 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everyone. A lot of good headlines last week. Well done, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-05-08 to Sat 2016-05-14:

img.fark.net  "80-year-old lovebirds tie the knot" - well, yeah, when your body parts are that droopy, they are easy to get entangled

img.fark.net  Here is someone new to sue now. Will GOOG choose to sue Sue Googe now? Or will Google see the Seussing of the Sue Googe? Suessers do, sirs. Mix the fonts, Sue? I won't do it. I can't say it, I won't sue it

img.fark.net  Wildfire that started in Mexico has now crossed over into the US. This kind of thing won't happen once Trump is president

img.fark.net  George Zimmerman to auction off his penis

img.fark.net  'Gingerbread man' taunts police while fleeing, apparently not understanding how fast police will run after an escaping pastry

img.fark.net  Fisting site members didn't sign up for this kind of backdoor access

img.fark.net  Military women demonstrate their commitment to the infantry

img.fark.net  Not a great day for those with friggatriskaidekaphobia - of course not to be confused with kjahfjkajklhfbalsfbaphobia which is the irrational fear of falling asleep on your keyboard

img.fark.net  Archaeologists find 50,000 year-old axe. No word if it still reeks of teenage desperation and gyms

img.fark.net  Egypt in denial. Circular joke reference collapses into singularity

img.fark.net  Man gets penis stuck in wrench. Serves him right; those are only supposed to be used on nuts


Sports:

img.fark.net  Panthrs rsign Jagr

img.fark.net  Noah Syndergaard smashes two homers. Apparently Bartolo is now teaching his flock how to hit

img.fark.net  Patriots to lose Gronk for entire 2016-2017 season


Geek:

img.fark.net  After a year of testing, LAPD finds Tesla impractical as a police cruiser, returns all cars at no charge

img.fark.net  Scientists discover dung beetles navigate by storing star maps in their tiny brains - which just goes to prove that even if you're stuck having to deal with shiat all day, you're still likely to pick up something useful

img.fark.net  Scientists discover first ever group of lesbian gorillas after following the tracks of Subarus deep into the jungle


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Silver Alert issued for missing 67-year-old man. Speaks broken English and is known for urinating on state monuments

img.fark.net  Members of the band Def Leppard will meet with students at the Arkansas School for the Deaf, whose mascot is a leopard. This is the sound of one hand clapping

img.fark.net  Justin Bieber says he is no longer taking photographs with fans because it makes him feel like a zoo animal. Wait, do they keep jackasses in zoos?


Politics:

img.fark.net  GOP civil war deepens when Rubio learns that Hydra forced Trump to kill Rubio's parents and Ted Cruz knew but didn't tell him

img.fark.net  RNC Chair Reince Priebus calls Third Party idea "stupid". But is it 'Sarah Palin running mate' grade stupid, or 'government shutdown' grade stupid?

img.fark.net  Fark Ready Headline : "Hillary, Bernie to make weekend push in Ky" Ewww


Business:

img.fark.net  If you need a Lyft in Austin, it's going to be Uber hard to get one after Monday

img.fark.net  Bitcoin: The savior of Wall St-OH GOD WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOMED

img.fark.net  AB's latest product is watered-down, tasteless, fairly bitter, and covered in a garish wrapper that smacks of insecurity and an inflated ego
· · ·

Ground control to Major Fawn, see shells in Seychelles by the sea shore, and Baywatch star is now engaged to a girl nearly hoff his age: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/1 - 5/7
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-09 7:38:54 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

A lot of good headlines last week. Well done, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-05-01 to Sat 2016-05-07:

img.fark.net  Now that the nice weather is here again, here's how not to fark up three of the most common handyman DIY jobs. Or you can drink five beers, watch the first half of a relevant YouTube video and grab the chain saw, like always

img.fark.net  Workers in Spain unearth MCCC pounds of Roman coins

img.fark.net  UK nuclear power plant to be most expensive object on Earth, thus dethroning subby's ex-wife

img.fark.net  Mother Nature can only deal with so much DNA on her hands before things start to get messy. Here comes the science

img.fark.net  Looks like marriage to that Nickelback guy has taken its toll

img.fark.net  Repeat from 1985. Speeding driver found with drugs and $11K in cash. This is a

img.fark.net  ♫ Ground control to Major Fawn ♫

img.fark.net  Everybody around the world is equally bad at guessing the length of an average penis. Seriously, I don't know why you guys get so hung up on this. It's entirely possible to have decent sex with men under nine inches; they just need to be good at oral

img.fark.net  'Boaty McBoatface' to be renamed RRS Sir David Attenborough. Because sometimes the public votes for something totally asinine and you just have to put your foot down and say NO. Your move, Republicans

img.fark.net  Sting targets drug dealers as heroin overdose deaths increase. Rest of The Police are too busy to reunite

img.fark.net  East African Coral reefs struggling, now harder to see shells in Seychelles by the sea shore


Sports:

img.fark.net  NFL bans meat as a performance enhancing drug. William Perry's entire career considered one big asterisk

img.fark.net  Cavs set NBA record with 25 made three-pointers in stomping of Hawks. Last time people from Ohio laid waste to Atlanta like this, the Union won the Civil War

img.fark.net  Tom Brady releases a $200 cookbook, with a foreword by Peter King detailing the best uses for warm buttermilk


Geek:

img.fark.net  It appears that Craig Wright may not be the REAL Satoshi Nakamoto after all. The real Satoshi Nakamoto is now rumored to be retired and living like a king in Patagonia

img.fark.net  Huge trove of fossils found in Antarctica, including remnants of plesiosaurs, mosasaurs, a Siberian husky, multiple humans, and a detached head with eight spindly legs

img.fark.net  19th century commune leader believed sleeping around could lead to immortality. Subby's used that line many times and it rarely works


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  All right, stop, collaborate and listen: down in the sewers, the damp makes it glisten. Four bad dudes eating pizza nightly, taught by a rat who's old yet sprightly. Left in the 90s, my career is crap - that's why I'm making turtle rap

img.fark.net  Tupac Shakur's mother has died. Supposedly

img.fark.net  Baywatch star is now engaged to a girl nearly hoff his age


Politics:

img.fark.net  Carly Fiorina does an impression of her HP stock

img.fark.net  The Trump motorcade is now on Cruz control

img.fark.net  Phase two of the Kasich/Cruz coalition to be implemented this afternoon


Business:

img.fark.net  Hispanics will outspend Millennials by 2020, though there will be a lot of essays saying otherwise

img.fark.net  European Central Bank to remove the 500 Euro note, which is worth about $575, from circulation. Or as Greece calls that amount, the national budget

img.fark.net  Madison Square Garden posts wider Q3 loss, after NY Knicks' 3-point plan to winning goes awry
· · ·

Inmates buying tiny cell phones by the buttload, Nixon's Waterloo, and Cmen from a Dmen: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/24 - 4/30
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-02 9:30:34 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Welcome back to a new week, everybody. These were some of the headlines from last week that made us laugh. Hope you enjoy them, too.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-24 to Sat 2016-04-30:

img.fark.net  Texas man purloins steaks, has beef with cops leading to high-speed chase. Police use flanking maneuvers and attempt to T-bone suspect before he's finally cut off. Strip search reveals evidence

img.fark.net  Soldier dies after running marathon. This is not a repeat from 490 BCE

img.fark.net  Another data breach on a dating site. You don't have to worry though

img.fark.net  Spanking causes worse behavior ... but better daddy issues

img.fark.net  Disney cruise ship rescues three federal fugitives at sea. Must now choose between working in diamond mine, being trapped in a lamp or being turned into pumpkins as punishment

img.fark.net  Parents name their son 'Jet Star' after the airline he was born on board. Good thing he wasn't born on Virgin

img.fark.net  US Air Force nominates the first Jew to ever become a service branch Chief of Staff. His mother would like you to know how proud she is of his brother the doctor

img.fark.net  World's tiniest cell phone is very popular with prison inmates, who are buying buttloads of them

img.fark.net  Millennials going door to door for grass

img.fark.net  Utah mom does Crossfit until day before she delivers her baby. Resulting posts fill up two thirds of Facebook's server farms

img.fark.net  In what could be a preview of a Trump election victory headline, gigantic cock moving to Pennsylvania Avenue


Sports:

img.fark.net  Court of Appeals saves Boston-area sports radio for the next five months by reinstating Tom Brady's DeflateGate suspension

img.fark.net  Tiger Woods says he "feels good" after the first few holes this year. That's all good and fine but, what about his golf game?

img.fark.net  The Hasterts move on to next round


Geek:

img.fark.net  Bloomberg turns to robots to deliver its news. Audience braces for the return of Ted Koppel

img.fark.net  Halloween just got a whole lot scarier

img.fark.net  Scientist: Somebody alive today will live for 1000 years. My money's on Zsa Zsa


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Kid Rock's personal assistant killed in ATV accident on Rock's property. Early reports are saying he up jumped the boogie

img.fark.net  Katt Williams arrested for a salt

img.fark.net  The Omen is getting a prequel, presumably called The Cmen from a Dmen and where it Kmen


Politics:

img.fark.net  Ted Cruz concedes California

img.fark.net  Obama's hypocritical drug policy is his Iran-Contra, which was Reagan's Watergate, which was Nixon's Waterloo, which was Napoleon's Battle of Hastings, which was King Harold's Calvary, which was Jesus' Troy, which was

img.fark.net  Taint to endorse asshole


Business:

img.fark.net  Xerox 1Q profits fall 84%▓▓▒▒░░

img.fark.net  Texas instruments increased sales of processors helps company avoids 1Q 535507

img.fark.net  NYC's Four Seasons restaurant tells all employees that they won't be working this summer, fall, winter, spring
· · ·

Canada to attack ISIS with Nickelback, cake controversy gets a re-torte, and scientists discover something not-so-secret about Freddie Mercury: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/17 - 4/23
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-25 11:46:46 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Hi everybody. Happy Monday; enjoy the headlines. :-)

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-17 to Sat 2016-04-23:

img.fark.net  17th annual "White Privilege Conference" was held in Philadelphia. Which was actually just an alternative for the people who can't go to the real one later this year in Cleveland

img.fark.net  7/11 was a part time job

img.fark.net  NJ motorcyclist killed after driving in the refrigerator lane

img.fark.net  People being shot in Butte by pellet gun sniper. People also being shot in leg

img.fark.net  Rap video shooting interrupts rap video shooting

img.fark.net  "Well, allow us to re-torte"

img.fark.net  Harriet Tubman to be placed on the $15.40 bill

img.fark.net  Teen electrocuted performing Jacob's Ladder experiment he saw on YouTube, leaves behind family, friends, a lingering smell

img.fark.net  Man connected to organized crime killed by sni--

img.fark.net  In the 16th Century red meat was better than white, fruit was for the poor and sick and ThotalFarke cost but 1 groat a monthe

img.fark.net  U.S. attacks ISIS with B52's. Canada to send Bieber, Nickleback


Sports:

img.fark.net  Throughout NHL Playoffs, Kings fans who fly Delta can jump to front of the line to board their plane as long as they're wearing Kings gear. Not just for the two trips to San Jose, but to golf courses all over the country through mid-June

img.fark.net  Browns drop the deuce on Philadelphia

img.fark.net  Tony Stewart is returning to NASCAR this weekend, immediately gets fined $35k for talking about himself


Geek:

img.fark.net  First detailed snapshots of Venus from the Akatsuki probe reveal strange clouds, which could indicate that Venus is way ahead of Earth in legalizing marijuana

img.fark.net  New report says that much of the scientific research that is published today is false. Although it's not certain who did the report and how they compiled and checked their information

img.fark.net  Google charged over Android abuse. Synthetics and Replicants toiling away in the Data Mines raise their heads in solidarity


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Happy 70th birthday to Tim Curry. I think this calls for a cele-

img.fark.net  Science discovers what many men already knew: Freddie Mercury had an incredible throat

img.fark.net  Spoiler alert: it blows up on the last episode


Politics:

img.fark.net  Bill Clinton warns that Bernie Brahs will 'shoot every third person on Wall Street' instead of dealing with the situation discreetly, like Vince Foster

img.fark.net  So Mr. Doe, I see you worked on a presidential campaign "Yes, Trump 2016" :-| I'm sorry, but the position is filled *buzzes for hounds*

img.fark.net  7/11, Benghazi declared winners in NY primary


Business:

img.fark.net  Tinder tests feature to share a profile with coworkers on LinkedIn or Slack, possibly to set up a date, or more likely to populate a to-do list

img.fark.net  Coca-Cola cans and bottles getting a "major" makeover, because if there's one thing Coke has learned about its customers over the years, it's that they love big changes

img.fark.net  "Journalism has an editing crisis." EVERYBOYD PANC
· · ·

Suicide at golf course leaves hole in one, the problem with littoral lube failure, and being shot at by a man with a gnu: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/10 - 4/16
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-18 11:56:11 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday and a good week to you all. Enjoy some of last week's better samplings...

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-10 to Sat 2016-04-16:

img.fark.net  Indiana Jones and the temple go boom

img.fark.net  Jane Goodall to meet Canadian PM Trudeau, check him for fleas and nits

img.fark.net  Democracy: Syria's business

img.fark.net  Sailor takes on 12 labors to benefit war vets. Hercules impressed

img.fark.net  Suicide at golf course leaves hole in one

img.fark.net  Airline passenger tries to smuggle live birds in his pants, is caught live tweeting

img.fark.net  Littoral lube failure proves costly for Navy, most relationships

img.fark.net  Text-to-911 service goes live in Wayne County, allowing anyone who needs help to inform authorities that they're being shot at by a man with a gnu

img.fark.net  Mass grave discovered may hold remains of those who died during the Cylon Conspiracy. I knew we shouldn't have trusted Anders to fly those ships into the sun

img.fark.net  Palm Beach Zoo has an immediate opening for tiger keeper

img.fark.net  Gay pride


Sports:

img.fark.net  Warriors win their 72nd game of the season. Local hardware store is accused of gold spray paint price gouging

img.fark.net  Jean-Luc Brassard quits as Canadian Olympic team's chef de mission, citing violations of Prime Directive

img.fark.net  9.7, 9.7, 9.9, 9.8


Geek:

img.fark.net  NASA take to Facebook to fight global warming denial. Relationship status: It's complicated

img.fark.net  Apple reveals how long its devices typically last, which is irrelevant since you will buy the new version every year

img.fark.net  Expendable crew module attached to space station for those red shirted crew members. Oh, "expandable." Never mind


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Prince makes an emergency landing due 2 flu

img.fark.net  Coachella promoter looks to book a bunch of old guys into mega concert, to be called "The Catch Us Before 2016 Does" show

img.fark.net  It's official: We know who wins in a battle between Batman v. Superman v. Deadpool


Politics:

img.fark.net  Laura Bush throws support behind the best Republican left in the race for the White House

img.fark.net  Nate Silver releases game sequel to Pandemic

img.fark.net  The Donald Trump of newspapers endorses the New York Post of candidates


Business:

img.fark.net  Southwest Airlines orders five full-flight simulators from CAE to train pilots, United will still continue to use planes parked on the tarmac to simulate real world conditions

img.fark.net  Cracked.com acquired for $39 million by Scripps. Purchase price could easily be paid in a lump sum, but instead will be split into two parts

img.fark.net  Golfsmith goes after casual golfers in new ads celebrating truly terrible shots. Unfortunately they made the commercial before they had the chance to see Jordan Spieth playing the 12th hole at the Masters
· · ·

Republicans reach around to embrace the gay community, the worst blind-dating matchup of all time, and an opportunity to buy an artisanal, hand-crafted, eco-friendly, cruelty free bridge: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/3 - 4/9
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-11 12:06:42 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Hope your week is starting off right. Lots of great headlines this week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-03 to Sat 2016-04-09:

img.fark.net  Woman has 720 condoms confiscated by Indonesian customs for being pornographic material, also for being wildly optimistic

img.fark.net  Lesbos to be visited by Pope Francis in what has to be the worst blind-dating matchup of all time

img.fark.net  Study finds millennials are more vulnerable to scams than any other age group, including seniors. In other news, anyone want to buy an artisanal, hand-crafted, eco-friendly, cruelty free bridge? You guys should like it, it's even in Brooklyn

img.fark.net  Let me play for you the song of my poophole

img.fark.net  Man who had a stroke running in a marathon says he's got half a mind to run in another one

img.fark.net  Brave Iraqi Army, bravely ran away / When ISIS reared its ugly head, they bravely turned their tails and fled / Brave Iraqis turned about, and gallantly they chickened out

img.fark.net  Italian bee rustling is on the rise. Interpol on lookout for anyone carrying millions of tiny lassos

img.fark.net  New sign for Civil War veterans buried in Billings cemetery. Personally I think displaying the sign would have been a better choice

img.fark.net  A 4-year-old saved his mom's life by unlocking her cellphone and calling for help, is now planning to put Kindergarten on hold while he considers offers made by both Apple and the FBI

img.fark.net  "I'm scared on top of this utility pole. I'm going to puma pants"

img.fark.net  B-52's join the fight against ISIS, bringing a New Wave in the allied offense


Sports:

img.fark.net  St. Louis Cardinals strike out 14 times against Pirates pitchers on Opening Day. City of Pittsburgh immediately renamed The Windy City

img.fark.net  Much like the LGBT community, the National Championship is not allowed in North Carolina

img.fark.net  Royals slam three dongs and finish with a Wang. The last time TV was this filthy, it was nothing but Bush and Gore


Geek:

img.fark.net  Scientists create artificial skin with hair follicles and sweat glands, are now just waiting for the T-800 endoskeleton from Cyberdyne Systems

img.fark.net  Expert warns that way too many kids are running around with asthma inhalers these days. Okay, maybe more 'stumbling and gasping' but still

img.fark.net  Researchers confirm that sleepy teens engage in risk-taking activities. Parents of teens confirm that wide-awake teens do the same thing because, duh, they're teenagers


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  It's a wrap

img.fark.net  This...is insulin

img.fark.net  Rick rolls again


Politics:

img.fark.net  Ivanka Trump-branded scarves recalled because they could burst into flames. Her father's pants are next

img.fark.net  Indiana Republicans reach around to embrace their gay community

img.fark.net  Socialist Jew to speak at Vatican. HE HAS RISEN


Business:

img.fark.net  IKEA recalls LATTJO batcape because it SKRATSCHES, CHOHKSYA

img.fark.net  Mattel's Fisher Price names new creative director. The position was recommended for adults age 45-52

img.fark.net  Don't you hate it when you get a piece of music stuck in your head? Hyundai feels your pain, since they can't stop recalling Sonatas
· · ·

Cops finger culprits of G-Spot shooting after long search, quick dick pic nicks chick, and the surprising comeback of exorcism is turning heads: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/27 - 4/2
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-04 11:08:32 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Welcome back to a new week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-03-27 to Sat 2016-04-02:

img.fark.net  Research shows that birth control pill use is linked to fewer knee injuries in teen girls. And it's not for the reason that you think it is

img.fark.net  Police search for suspects in shooting at the G-Spot. Authorities report that they are having trouble locating them. Update: after some intense probing, cops finger their culprits

img.fark.net  Marco Pol..... Oh shiat

img.fark.net  *Click* quick dick pic nicks chick

img.fark.net  11 things Germany does better than anybody else. Trying to take over Europe surprisingly absent

img.fark.net  Scientists say new male contraceptive pill prevents pregnancy in rabbits. What the hell are these guys DOING in those labs?

img.fark.net  Womb with a brew

img.fark.net  Couple awakes to 400-pound bear licking their bedroom window. Same thing happened to me last time I got drunk at a pride parade

img.fark.net  Three people injured in head-on collision on Curry highway, naan killed

img.fark.net  91-year-old man is a member of his Texas neighborhood citizen patrol, says his main job is to look for people who exhibit suspicious behavior. Like being out on the streets after 7:30 at night

img.fark.net  The surprising comeback of exorcism is turning heads


Sports:

img.fark.net  Dale Earnhardt Jr: "I'm donating my brain to science". Science: "Yeah, we're good"

img.fark.net  America's first pro rugby league looks to attract millennials, will now to try include a joystick, touch screen and controller to the game

img.fark.net  Fan Duel, Draft Kings announce they will suspend all wagering on college sports after a meeting with the NCAA in which colleges expressed horror than anyone might be PROFITING off the athletic exhibitions staged by their amateur scholar-athletes


Geek:

img.fark.net  Study finds that people with severe ADHD

img.fark.net  Dating service matches people solely on their odor. All clients listed by rank

img.fark.net  Colon cancer discovered in an 18th century Hungarian mummy. And you thought your HMO was slow to approve getting a colonoscopy


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Avicii says 2016 will be his last year hitting Macbook buttons in public

img.fark.net  William Shatner sued for placement of Captain's Log

img.fark.net  Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys arrested for choking a woman, unless something's f*cky


Politics:

img.fark.net  Miranda gives a warning that Puerto Rico's debt is soaring: the pain of a brain drain amplifies his mourning. Help could come Congressional, but San Juan is so ignorable, laments a Broadway professional in a Gray Lady editorial

img.fark.net  When Trump hires campaign staff, he's not hiring the best. He's hiring people that have lots of problems. They're bringing crime. They're getting arrested for battery in Florida.... And some, I assume, are good people

img.fark.net  George Mason law school to be renamed the Antonin Scalia School of Law or more succinctly ASSoL


Business:

img.fark.net  CBO lowers its budget deficit projection for 2016 by $10 billion. Which is what happens when Congress adjourns for their latest recess three minutes early

img.fark.net  JetBlue to takeover VirginAmerica in valueenhancing airlinemerger

img.fark.net  Tesla launches 'affordable' electric car. *Checks date* Yeah, right
· · ·

Cruz denies Cuban Mistress Crisis, shaking the butthole paradigm, and LeBron James striving to win the 2011 NBA title: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/20 - 3/26
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-03-28 12:13:43 PM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-03-20 to Sat 2016-03-26:

img.fark.net  Britain to pull the plug on tampon tax

img.fark.net  Woman wakes up one day and can no longer swallow. Same thing happened to my wife the day after we were married

img.fark.net  TSA spoils Rob Ford's wake

img.fark.net  Institute for Depriving You Of The Slightest Joy In Life And Incessantly Nagging You Until You Beg For The Sweet Release Of Death And Even Then You're Doing It Wrong says moderate alcohol consumption isn't good for you after all

img.fark.net  But hey, free dwarf

img.fark.net  New observations in comb jellies shakes the butthole paradigm. Hey, new band name

img.fark.net  Pandas caught on tape mating. In related news, Gawker to post video online

img.fark.net  Alas, poor William

img.fark.net  Monarch butterflies could disappear from Eastern US within 20 years, probably to be replaced by blue morphos

img.fark.net  And if the Syrian Civil War wasn't already an absurdly complicated mess, there may be two North Korean army units present in the country, possibly to fire missiles into the Mediterranean

img.fark.net  DNA from Brussels suspect found all over the Paris attacks, if you know what I mean


Sports:

img.fark.net  Peyton Manning wants to organize a 10-year Super Bowl reunion during the Bears-Colts game this upcoming season. Bears defenders Mike Brown and Tommie Harris have already said they will have to miss it

img.fark.net  LeBron James striving to win the 2011 NBA title

img.fark.net  RGIII decides to sign two-year contract with a minor league team


Geek:

img.fark.net  A farewell to legendary mathematician Sir Christopher Zeeman, a pioneer in the arcane field of catastrophe theory later manifested in the Cleveland Browns front office and the Fark politics tab

img.fark.net  Andy Grove is now just a memory

img.fark.net  Smart people don't need friends anyway. Just the internet. And maybe the boxed set of Firefly. And the internet


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Jurors say the Hulk Hogan sextape was worse than they expected, thought the run-in by Pat Patterson in the end was extremely uncalled for

img.fark.net  Garry Shandled

img.fark.net  Kevin Hart signs a deal to write his memoirs. Apparently it will be a collection of short stories


Politics:

img.fark.net  Trump tries desperately to get another "m"

img.fark.net  Hillary promises to share the secrets of Area 51 to the world if elected, presumably by placing them on an email server

img.fark.net  Cruz denies Cuban Mistress Crisis


Business:

img.fark.net  Merger of two paint giants gets worldwide coverage

img.fark.net  Most Americans favor lifting the Cuban embargo. Especially Red Sox fans who desperately need help in their bullpen

img.fark.net  British Judge approves the extradition of the "flash crash " trader who single-handed caused the US stock market to crash in 2010, even if he was slightly incredulous that the US was actually going to bring charges for a financial crime
· · ·

Chip Monk, the search for Seattle's hipster ninja masturbator, and Obama nominates Self for court pick: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/13 - 3/19
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-03-21 6:56:46 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Hope some of these give you a chuckle like they did for me.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-03-13 to Sat 2016-03-19:

img.fark.net  Russian military begins withdrawal from the parts of Syria that Putin doesn't want

img.fark.net  Police seek hipster ninja masturbator in Seattle. Ironically, someone saw him coming

img.fark.net  Woman's addiction causes her to eat her armchair foam. She hopes eventually to recover

img.fark.net  Explosion at Hawaii energy research laboratory leaves researcher seriously injured, anxiously awaiting new super powers

img.fark.net  Twitter turns ten years old. And just like a ten year old child it communicates with fractured sentences, demands constant attention from everyone around, and is years away from ever actually making any money

img.fark.net  Chip Monk

img.fark.net  Computer nerds successfully get into a woman's panties

img.fark.net  Man ordered to undergo mental health evaluation jumps from court house's third floor balcony. Evaluation complete

img.fark.net  T&A Mobile

img.fark.net  Apple CEO says the company's fight with the FBI is "about the future." Which is hard to believe since the FBI's technical skills are somewhere between the Victrola and the rotary phone

img.fark.net  Your trailer park door you should latch it, when a violent itch he would scratch it. He has a short fuse and threatens abuse by putting to use his new hatchet


Sports:

img.fark.net  Dak arrested for DUI, which may after his draft prospects, force him to join the Rebellion, and die in battle as a snowspeeder gunner. Drinking kills

img.fark.net  Goodell to give up discipline duties. No word on whether knocking your wife out in an elevator will still be an equal suspension to wearing the wrong color socks

img.fark.net  Now that they've washed their hands of Johnny Manziel, the Cleveland Browns vow to find a quarterback who's mature, durable, and a team leader. And .... hey, what's Robert Griffin III doing here?


Geek:

img.fark.net  Instagram to display photos order, out of will test feed algorithm-based

img.fark.net  Fossilized T-Rex found in Montana determined to be pregnant female, prompting emergency State Legislature sessions across the US to ban abortions in the 16,250,000th trimester

img.fark.net  Could Apple's iWatch detect a stroke? Well, it probably depends on if it was on the dominant wrist


Entertainment:

img.fark.net  Camille Cosby does not want to discuss her marital sex life. Most likely because she can't remember any of it

img.fark.net  Emerson, Smith and Wesson

img.fark.net  Chachi loves phony


Politics:

img.fark.net  Trump supporters deface cemetery at latest rally. To be fair, the dead in Illinois were going to vote straight-ticket Democrat anyway

img.fark.net  Rubiobot blue screens

img.fark.net  Obama nominates Self for court pick


Business:

img.fark.net  Apple claims the DOJ actions would appall the Founders. And who would know better than a company owned by white males that uses slave labor?

img.fark.net  Acefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

img.fark.net  Microsoft in trouble for hiring more women
· · ·


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