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Mr. Miyagi claims two more victims in Queens, deaf man demands hearing, and the Roof, the Roof, the Roof is on trial: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/20 - 11/26
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-11-27 10:20:58 PM (5 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. For those of you who hold out on TF until Headline of the Year rolls around, get ready: the first HotY prelim threads will be going live to TFD today, with more coming this week. I think you'll like them a lot. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-11-20 to Sat 2016-11-26:

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  Researchers conclude Vikings became Raiders due to shortage of single women, huge signing bonuses from Al Davis

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  Former Greek president Constantine Stephanopoulos nolongeramongus

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  Mr. Miyagi claims two more victims in Queens

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  After learning via text he'd been fired, truck driver dumps 1000 bushels of corn on highway, earning him a trip to kernel clink

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  Thing 1 arrested on suspicion of defacing several downtown L.A. landmarks. Thing 2 still at large

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  Mom-to-be still CrossFitting while 8 months pregnant. Fetus already won't stop talking about it

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  Deaf man denied commercial driver's license demands hearing

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  E-cigarette explodes in man's pants at Grand Central Terminal. Normally an explosion in a man's pants at Grand Central involves being rubbed on by a guy in a dirty Elmo costume and costs 20 bucks

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  The Roof, the Roof, the Roof is on trial

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  CIA finally succeeds at assassinating Fidel Castro at age 90

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  OSHA states death of man killed in wood chipper could have been prevented by better training, not participating in kidnapping schemes


Sports:

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  Cleveland Browns charge $105 entry fee to job fair, severely decreasing their chances of finding a quarterback

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  New NHL team in Las Vegas goes with blandtastic "Golden Knights" as its name because "Bodies in a Ditch Ten Miles Out Of Town", while historically accurate, was both verbose and off-putting

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  Man vows not to wear pants again until the Green Bay Packers' next victory. If his neighbors weren't Packer fans before, they sure are now


Geek:

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  New weather satellite named GOES-R launched into space. To be followed next year by ZUU-L

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  39% of Americans would give up sex to never worry about hacking. DDos before Hos

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  Brightness [████████████----]


Entertainment:

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  Madonna's son Rocco arrested for possession of marijuana. He plans to go to his obese cow and neurotic turtle friends to help him fight these charges

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  Miss Piggy saves Tony Bennett from fall after Macy's parade-float mishap, avoiding a repeat of the infamous H.R. Pufnstuf/Perry Como debacle of 1973

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  Even Christmas caroling has hashtags and shuttle buses. Soon there will be contests between church choirs so we would have the Battle of the Choral See


Politics:

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  Since Donald Trump won, he has gone out of his way to avoid intelligence, briefings

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  Jill Stein is going to Make Wisconsin Count Again

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  Hillary Clinton finally begins campaigning in the rust belt


Business:

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  Female portion of Microsoft's workforce has shrunk again after she decides to take a job with Apple

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  Volkswagen aims to be global electric car leader by 2025. And if they can't make this goal they can always have their engineers write some software that says they did

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  Palladium climbs to a 17-month high. Gold rises to $1,200 an ounce. Investors can choose either ore
· · ·

Bull in a 'gina shop, Pope plans to unseat the Chicago Cubs as NLDS Champions, and the inventor of RAM dies at 1100010: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/13 - 11/19
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-11-20 9:12:38 PM (0 comments) | Permalink

We're winding down to the end of the year, everybody. Keep an eye out for the first Headline of the Year threads, coming soon.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-11-13 to Sat 2016-11-19:

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  Historic anchor to be pulled from Detroit River. Well, once Detroit goes sailing away out to sea, don't say I didn't warn you

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  Lawyer who blamed a non-existent black man to cover up her drunk driving gets 10 days in jail. The non-existent black man was sentenced to 20 years

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  North Korea government hasn't yet told their people that Donald Trump has been elected president. Apparently Kim Jong-un wants to break it to them easily that he's no longer the world leader with the worst haircut

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  Two tablets containing the oldest known copy of the 15 *crash* Single tablet containing the oldest known copy of the 10 commandments is up for auction

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  Bull in a 'gina shop

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  Flights back to normal after police identify the body of the gunman who apparently met a man he didn't like earlier in the day outside of Will Rogers International Airport in Oklahoma City

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  Charles Darwin is not known for his cooking skills, but his braising recipe is to die for, and the meat just falls off the bones

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  Canadians vote for common loon. America nods its head in knowing agreement

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  Samples of JFK's DNA sold at auction for $4.8m

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  FBI seek 'The Spelling Bee Bandit,' known for writing "robery" on a withdrawal slip and handing it to the teller. Authorities caution the public that he may be carrying a gub

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  Pope names seventeen new Cardinals, hopes to unseat the Chicago Cubs as NLDS Champions


Sports:

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  Robert Griffin III on pace to return to Injured Reserve this season

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  Vikings release kicker Blair Walsh. He missed the doorway wide left on the way out

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  While the Cowboys will probably ask for "Sam Bradford to the Vikings"-type compensation from any team they trade Tony Romo to next season, they'll probably only get a "Brett Farve to the Jets" kind of deal for him


Geek:

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  Scientists find that pigs can be optimists or pessimists, depending on their personality. This is news to the funding agency, who gave the scientists the grant to work on a Zika cure

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  Scientists are now monitoring bears in Alaska by collecting their saliva. Field equipment consists of a Q-tip and a pair of track shoes

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  Professor Jay Forrester, inventor of RAM, dies at 1100010


Entertainment:

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  Darius Rucker might be the Barney Miller of 90's American pop music - but don't expect him to Blowfish

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  Carrie Fisher: I banged Harrison Ford. World: I know

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  An interview with folk legend Edmund Fitzgerald, who sang about the famous ship the Gordon Lightfoot and the night it crashed into the Cat Stevens


Politics:

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  Trump chooses white nationalist Steve Bannon as his chief strategist and senior counselor. He'll be in charge of finding solutions to the nation's various problems. Final solutions, if you will

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  "You guys lost, get over it," says group waving Confederate flags

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  White nationalists describe joy over Trump picking Jeff Sessions for AG: "It's like Christmas." A White Christmas, one might say


Business:

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  Siemens to acquire Mentor Graphics. They now have all the engineering tools to go from conception to delivery

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  This day in 1867: ..... Wheat+5 ...... Corn+3 ......Iron-1 ......Tobacco+6 .....Soybeans-2

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  Breakfast in London, lunch in New York, luggage in Los Angeles
· · ·

Wolf howls at loon, house dressing really becomes house dressing, and auto-erotic asphyxiation: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/6 - 11/12
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-11-14 6:00:19 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Welcome back, everybody, and a happy Monday to you all. Here are some of the better headlines from last week. Enjoy.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-11-06 to Sat 2016-11-12:

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  Man faces jail after police find octopus porn on his computer. SUCKERS

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  The music has stopped at Janet Reno's dance party

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  Black smoke seen over DC signals we do not yet have a new president

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  Chicken apprehended after crossing roads, will be taken downtown and grilled

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  The house dressing comes on the side... the table... the ceiling... the carpet... the walls... the dress

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  Rare birthmark's four-generation streak has mom teaching her daughter to outrun amorous French skunks

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  Everything's going to be oKKK

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  Auto-erotic asphyxiation

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  Oh man, this kid is soooo grounded (Warning: graphic images)

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  A woman in Portland splashed laundry detergent on protesters last night. This is the first recorded use of the little known martial art of Tide-kwon-do

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  Charges in Waffle House sex tape case scattered, smothered, covered


Sports:

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  Dale Earnhardt Jr. pulled over for speeding, was also cited for always having his left turn signal on

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  How much did Richard Sherman get fined? Let's Adderall up

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  Seahawks LB has his prized Magic the Gathering cards stolen from his car, offers +2 rewards if card is drawn

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  Gorjak Gak ruled eligible by the NCAA. Apparently it took a while for his high school transcripts to get here from the Klingon home world


Geek:

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  Researchers invent system for predicting falls in the elderly, working name: gravity

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  Scientists develop HIV test on USB stick. That's gonna smart when you plug it into your port

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  The head of the NSA is personally testing Boeing's new self-destructing smartphone. Samsung to sue for patent infringement


Entertainment:

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  Lady Gaga savagely attacks an illegal immigrant

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  Dungeons & Dragons FINALLY elected to the National Toy Hall of Fame after judges throw a 1 to defend against impotent nerd rage

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  Raoul Coutard, Breathless


Politics:

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  Orange is the New Black

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  Wolf howls at loon

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  Hillary admits she does not have mirrors in her house. Or garlic


Business:

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  Company makes synthetic dead people for medical testing and training ... and probably nothing else they hope

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  Dow Jones Industrial Average is back up due to a stronger than expected showing in orange futures

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  Redflex executive in charge of bribing Chicago to use red light cameras sentenced to 2½ years in prison and 10% pay cut
· · ·

Russians tied to dope in race, pencilneck scientist dorks say the human brain is predisposed to negative stereotypes, and I'm Rick James, bench: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/30 - 11/5
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-11-06 9:36:39 PM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday and Presidential Election Eve, which isn't a recognized holiday, but damn if I won't be celebrating it anyway.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-10-30 to Sat 2016-11-05:

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  Hot dog stand explosion rocks neighborhood, making this the second weiner disaster this week

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  Man steals 39 accordions worth $160,000. An entire nation rejoices

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  "Scientists to unleash millions of mosquitoes to have sex with their cousins and kill them." Man, those scientists must really hate their cousins

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  Sadly, women can be disqualified from a chess tournament for showing too much cleavage. Apparently there are rules against soft pawn

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  Hillary is at it again

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  Unsure about Trump or Clinton? Some lucky D.C. residents now have a better, third option

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  Drunk, naked man roams condo, knocking on doors for sex. Trick-or-treat was Monday, dude

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  Man who beat his wife's heroin dealer with a bat gets probation, approval from the community, minor league offer from the Reds

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  Russians tied to dope in race

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  Delays on I-95 caused by marble spill expected to get worse when the hungry, hungry hippos arrive

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  Man once again found guilty of illegally possessing dead wild animals, will try to carrion with his life


Sports:

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  I'm Rick James, bench

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  You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it

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  Boston's Logan Airport to rename Gate 34 in honor of David Ortiz. Gate announcements to remind people this is their motherfarking flight


Geek:

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  The human brain is predisposed to negative stereotypes, according to a bunch of pencilneck scientist dorks

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  Mixing energy drinks and alcohol causes brain changes in mice. Mostly by causing them to come out of the walls and challenge the nearest cat to a fistfight

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  Speeders beware - The fastest accelerating police car is the Ford Taurus with a 3.5-liter turbocharged V-6 engine. Testing shows it only takes 4.5 seconds to go from zero to the closest donut shop


Entertainment:

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  LifeWay stores will not be selling Amy Grant's new Christmas album because it's not Christian enough. Admittedly, "Christmas With The Devil" is a little over the top, but hey, who doesn't like the occasional Spinal Tap cover?

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  Dr. Strange is indoctrination into demonic occultism, claims Christian film critic insulted by the hoary hosts of Hoggoth

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  Wilmer Valderrama, who came to the U.S. from Venezuela, says immigrants are a gift to the country. Apparently there's no other place where one can come to, find work and also date Mandy Moore, Demi Lovato and Mila Kunis


Politics:

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  Red October Surprise

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  Brexit will be a 'Titanic Success' according to Boris Johnson, who declined to reveal whether he is the captain or the iceberg

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  The Secret Service grabs a p***y


Business:

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  High inflation causes Venezuelan merchants to weigh money instead of counting it out, thus changing their currency from the bolivar to the pound

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  Mærsk shæres fæll æs eærnings collæpse

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  Midea recalls over three million dehumidifiers. Tyler Perry unavailable for comment
· · ·

Less toupee at some hotels, an almost-cameo by the Russian women's track team, and police on the lookout for a snickering dog: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/23 - 10/29
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-10-31 8:30:52 AM (1 comment) | Permalink

Happy Halloween, everybody! Hope a few of these headlines get you smiling like a flickering jack-o-lantern.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-10-23 to Sat 2016-10-29:

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  Bodies of missing duck hunters recovered from lake. Police reportedly on lookout for snickering dog

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  Chick Tracts now being subjected to empirical testing

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  Surfer bitten at beach says shark 'came out of nowhere.' Investigators suspect the ocean

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  Man steals Torah scrolls valued at $200,000 from Brooklyn synagogue. Suspect described as a cleric with +85 spell power

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  Study announces breakthrough in care of children with autism. Which is good, because not everybody can afford to hire a ridiculous team of Scorpion supergeniuses to overthink simple problems every week

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  ♫ All we need is music, sweet music / There'll be music everywhere / There'll be people singing, my dick swinging / Dancing in the street ♪

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  Italy getting set to jail another batch of seismologists

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  I want my... I want my... I want my Trump TV. I want my... I want my... I want my derp for free

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  Delta releases new app to track your luggage, letting you see in real-time when it falls off the cart, gets run over by the catering truck, wins second place in the bag handler's free-throw competition, and finally arrives in Antarctica

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  Rare Hebrew papyrus from the 7th century B.C. seized from looters in Israel. Library in charge of the document readies bill of $12 million for being 2700 years overdue

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  Bundy acquittal so ridiculous even his own attorney is stunned. By U.S. Marshals


Sports:

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  Scottie Pippen butchers Take Me Out to the Ballgame, anxiously looks around for Michael Jordan to bail him out

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  Larry Csonka sees great possibilities with the Dolphins' new "retro" running offense, though he worries it won't be enough to stand up against Sartoris and Zap Rowsdower

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  ESPN: the worldwide leader in subscriber cancellations


Geek:

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  Swiss doctors successfully use nose cartilage to repair bad knees. That means the entire NFL season could be saved with the cooperation of Adrien Brody and Owen Wilson

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  Astronomers discover "binary binary" stellar system, which puts them on the hunt now for tribinary and quadribinary systems, and if Gillette gets involved, quintibinary stellar systems

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  What has 414 legs and four penises? No, not the Russian women's track team


Entertainment:

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  But it's too late..... he's seen everything

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  The first one

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  Netflix cutting its labor costs of next season's JESSICA JONES production by 20%


Politics:

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  How does Team Trump prepare for debates? By keeping their nose to the grindstone with some hands-on outreach to 18-25 year old female swing voters

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  Donald Trump to rally in Sanford, finally finding a place where big dummies are welcome

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  Mike Pence involved in something he wishes had been aborted


Business:

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  Inspired by complaints from cleaning staff about too much hair in the drains, hotel offers instant per-night discounts at front desk for balding guests. That's right, less toupee

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  Google Express launches home delivery service in Tennessee, certain to keep residents stocked up on essentials like home pregnancy tests, whisky, dentures

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  Soylent to introduce new recipe because old recipe was causing stomach problems. Pretty sure we know what the new ingredient will be
· · ·

An expanding threat from Meal Team 6, the inherent risk of being a bricklayer, and Chancellor Gorkon in jeopardy: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/16 - 10/22
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-10-24 10:46:01 AM (0 comments) | Permalink

Good morning and happy Monday, everybody. Got a few really fun headlines in the mix this week. Enjoy!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-10-16 to Sat 2016-10-22:

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  Man convicted of shooting at George Zimmerman given twenty years, possibly for not hitting him

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  "Welcome to 'Only Used Trucks.' Hey, check out this baby over here. It's practically brand new, fresh from the factory. Not a dent or a scratch, and rattle free. Sweet, huh?"

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  Bag of human remains found in vacant Cleveland lot, will be Browns starting QB on Sunday

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  Cartwright pleads guilty to leaking critical military intelligence to foreign political enemies, conspiring to assassinate Chancellor Gorkon

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  Oh, no, Sloth Bear. The zoo is gonna euthanize you. Run, Sloth Bear. RUN LIKE THE WIND. Oh, damn

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  China is about to launch stealth fighter designed to counter the USAF's weaknesses, which are reliance on tankers and the fact that the F-35 is only a threat to enemy aircraft if they hold still long enough for us to drop one on them with a crane

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  MN Supreme Court rules that BB guns are NOT firearms, despite fierce opposition by lobbying group, Mother's of One-Eyed Kids Association of America

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  Los Angeles gets rain for the first time in 165 days. Hundreds of motorists frantically check their owner's manual to see how to turn on their windshield wipers

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  Man goes on trial for farting in boy's face, judge waves briefs

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  Bricklayer has his penis snapped in half during vigorous sex session. Well what the hell did he expect? They're bricks

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  Parents complain that 55' nude statue is inappropriate, say children should only see boobies on smaller statues, mannequins, paintings, National Geographic, the internet, and that magazine Dad keeps under the mattress


Sports:

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  Novak Djokovic smashes racket, rips off his shirt and has an on-court meltdown after losing in the semi-finals. Most compelling tennis action of the year

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  FIFA is planning on a huge increase in the number of teams that will lose to Germany

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  O-H...N-O


Geek:

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  Superomniphobic tape adheres to any surface. Um dittle-ittle dittle, um dittle aye

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  Macra saf lay tebrekthoo ca unasans peaches wela sahumen

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  There's a little black spot on the Mars today... Right where the ESA probe crashed yesterday


Entertainment:

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  Marvin Marvin, it's Chuck. Your cousin, Chuck Berry. You know that new album you're looking for? Well, listen to this

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  A new J.R.R. Tolkien book will hit the shelves next year, eventually to be made into 12 Peter Jackson movies

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  Clinical Depression will headline Glastonbury 2017


Politics:

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  Meal Team 6 threatens armed revolution if Trump loses. Hoverounds, unite

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  NC Governor Pat McCrory turns 60 today. HB2 you, Governor

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  Facebook bends their guidelines so that Trump's statements can be reported verbatim. It's unclear if they are working for or against him


Business:

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  IBM profit and revenue decline for the 18th consecutive quarter as company discusses corporate name change to IOU

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  FCC throttles T-Mobile's checking account

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  Tesla's self-driving feature will cost $8,000. Which breaks down to $3,000 for the device, and $5,000 going into an account to pay for eventual funeral expenses
· · ·

Grigori Rasputin Memorial Bridge finally comes down, Obama finds a solution to closing Guantanamo, and playing the national anthem on third downs: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/9 - 10/15
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-10-17 10:33:09 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, folks. In case you missed any, here are some of the better headlines from last week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-10-09 to Sat 2016-10-15:

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  100,000 Italians march against indifference. Whatever

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  Hiker survives attack by two bears. Seems they took lessons on offense from Dowell Loggains

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  Obama finds solution to closing Guantanamo

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  ISIS confirms that their propaganda chief was killed in coalition air strikes earlier this month. They'd like put a positive spin on this news, but, well...you know

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  Newly discovered trove of documents and photos reveal t. s. elliot's views on detective fiction, poetry publishing, his 'dread' of the u. s., and why he never replaced his shift key

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  After being blown up, beaten, tied up, and drug into the river, the Grigori Rasputin Memorial Bridge has finally come down

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  Genuine clown issues warning about killer clowns. You could cause a child to have a heart attack. Let's not forget nightmares and bed-wetting. Then there's the issue of no erection unless your date wears a Bozo mask. Maybe that's just me

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  County carves pumpkins underwater, known as Halloween H20

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  2016

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  Navy's fast attack ship USS Detroit to visit actual Detroit. Sailors warned that Detroit is more dangerous than Mogadishu, but they're still not allowed to shell it

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  Montana brewery combines beer with yoga classes. Now if they could just get rid of the yoga, they'd really have something


Sports:

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  Greg Hardy to move to MMA, challenge Ronda Rousey

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  Kaepernick to start against Bills on Sunday. Rex Ryan reportedly to play national anthem on third downs

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  School apologizes for football play named "Hitler", says the quarterback will no longer invade Poland


Geek:

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  Panasonic unveils first invisible television. Perfect for when there's nothing on

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  University researchers claim to have developed experiment to create early detection of neurological disorders using VR headsets. Researchers now asking for 15 copies of Eve: Valkyrie for totally related experiment, they swear

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  Roughly 100 million years ago, an amoeba robbed a bacterium of its genes. Now, researchers finally know how the amoeboid pulled off the heist. Probably an inside job


Entertainment:

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  ♫ How many songs must I mumble through, before I get a Nobel Prize, the answer my friend is blowing in the wind ♪

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  Janet Jackson confirms that she's pregnant at age 50. Which means she's copying Michael who also had no problem being middle aged and with child

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  Tom Waits congratulates Bob Dylan on his Nobel Prize. I wonder what THAT conversation sounded like


Politics:

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  The Washington Post, which has not endorsed a Democratic Presidential candidate in nearly four years, formally endorses Hillary Clinton

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  Former 'Apprentice' staffers claim Donald Trump routinely insulted the Kardashians on set. No official response yet from Gul Dukat's office

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  If you were agonizing over what to get Donald Trump for Christmas this year, agonize no more


Business:

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  In light of impending lawsuits, Theranos to begin construction of "mini labs" for blood tests, Infinity Gauntlet

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  Apparently Chipotle is just going to keep figuring out ways to give away free food until it either convinces customers to come back or exhausts the world's supply of flour tortillas

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  CEO of Hershey kisses the company goodbye
· · ·

Spy pigeons caught before they could plot coo, the first campaign ads for Giant Meteor 2016, and smokin' ain't allowed in schools: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/2 - 10/8
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-10-10 11:09:12 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Hope it's great, and even better if you're one of the few to have today off.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-10-02 to Sat 2016-10-08:

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  The world's deepest underwater cave is so deep, researchers have been looking since 1999 and still can't find the bottom. It's like a 'yo mamma' joke but with more science

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  Teen tries to hire a clown to kill her teacher. Homey don't play that

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  Woman makes rabbits out of dust bunnies. You know what they say -- if you have lemmings, make lemonade

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  Indian authorities capture pair of Pakistani spy pigeons before they could plot coo

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  Forget it, Jake. It's Fox News

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  The first campaign ads for Giant Meteor 2016 finally arrive

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  Matthew up to Cat4, approaches U.S. coast at 16Mb/s

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  Strip club plans a voter outreach program in hopes of getting everyone to the poles

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  Expert believes dogs can detect the passage of time with their noses by noticing changes in scent. Oh, so a watch dog

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  WHAM

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  Cop arrested for pleasuring himself in public was also drafted in the 10th round of the MLB draft. Presumably by the Yankees


Sports:

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  SCOTUS rejects Washington Redskins' appeal, cancels all team's trademarks and name for "being offensive to many people." Team will now have to refer to themselves as "Redskins"

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  Attending the Cubs playoff series will cost fans an average of $428 per ticket, which is sort of a bargain, if you factor in all the years Cubs fans didn't need to buy playoff tickets

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  Giants hammer Thor, advance towards Asgard


Geek:

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  For some reason, researchers block gene to reduce cigarette smoke toxicity in fish embryos, when everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in schools

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  Google cancelled an intelligent robotic arm project. Lead engineer last seen robbing banks, battling Spider-Man

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  Two trees thought to be extinct were found in the garden of Queen Elizabeth II. Botanists thought they had found a third extinct tree there but it turned out it was only Prince Charles


Entertainment:

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  Shia LaBeouf shares set photo of him portraying John McEnroe in new film "Borg/McEnroe," which is on par to be the worst Star Trek film since the Abrams reboot, though the scene were McEnroe fights off the Borg Queen with a Prince racket is good CGI

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  Guardians of the Galaxy heads a list of movies with the highest kill counts with a staggering 83,871 on-screen deaths. Alderaan must have been sparsely populated

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  Chrysler dealership says a Starfleet navigator should know how to put his Jeep into park


Politics:

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  Here I sit all broken-hearted; Wikileaks said it was going to dump, but only farted

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  Drop out? In my moment of triumph?

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  And the October Surprise Advent Calendar gives us another treat


Business:

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  Ford to reintroduce the Bronco SUV to its lineup. First 5000 buyers will receive a commemorative pair of black leather driving gloves - one size too small, of course

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  Black and Blue Apron

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  Anheuser-Busch has been sponsoring presidential debates for years, which is kind of fitting when you think about it: Both peddle mass-marketed swill that nobody likes but a lot of people still consume
· · ·

Reciprocal lutefisk consumption, man seeing porn at McDonald's can't get the Grimace off his face, and people who read Playboy for the articles of clothing: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/25 - 10/1
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-10-03 12:01:23 PM (0 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, y'all. Enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-09-25 to Sat 2016-10-01:

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  Duck, duck, loose

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  Customs officials stop woman who had packed dead husband's intestines in a suitcase. Would that qualify as carrion luggage?

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  Mayor decides the Boston Redevelopment Authority (BRA) needs a new name. Chooses "Tomorrow Is Totally Serious, Let's Integrate New Generations" (TITSLING)

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  Black moon to appear Friday night. Police around the country being urged to resist trying to shoot it

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  Up to fifty percent of humans are "blind to motion." Enjoy your commute

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  Police hunt woman pictured 'having sex with dinosaur' at children's playground. Jurassic Fark

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  Study suggests that you are predisposed to murder as part of your evolutionary genetic heritage, even more than your cat is

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  Catholic High School Girls in Trouble

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  Go home Thomas, you're drunk

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  Man finds porn playing on TV screens in McDonald's, has hard time getting Grimace off his face

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  Over 8% of the population of Norway eats tacos every Friday; meanwhile, Mexico reports no plans to engage in reciprocal lutefisk consumption


Sports:

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  AP uses the term "high octane" for the Oakland Raiders' offense, when the manual clearly states that you're supposed to use regular

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  Aldo no va

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  Former WWE wrestler Jamie Noble stabbed twice in West Virginia trailer park. Heath Slater's 137 kids wanted for questioning


Geek:

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  Cause of Crohn's disease identified, say researchers who probably pulled the answer out of their ass

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  George Washington used vaccines to help defeat the British. So the next time some anti-vaxxer annoys you, remind them if it hadn't been for vaccines, we'd all be speaking English now

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  Desperate for sales, Apple copies another Samsung feature


Entertainment:

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  Muslim journalist, 22, poses for Playboy wearing a hijab. Which is great for people who read Playboy for the articles of clothing

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  Gary Glasberg, NCIS showrunner, has died. Cause of death: too many head slaps from Gibbs

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  Pirate who leaked the Peanuts movie fined $1 million and ordered to pay 5¢ for psychiatric help


Politics:

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  Gary Johnson blames 'troll army' for rumor that running mate might quit. FOR THE HORDE

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  Donald Trump gives reasons for his sub-par debate performance: "The moderator was against me. My mic was defective. An old friend came in from out of town. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD"

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  Mitch McConnell (R) compares Senate race to "knife fight in a phone booth". Explanation for our younger Farkers: A phone booth is a small structure that resembles a TARDIS but it is exactly as big on the inside as the outside


Business:

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  Trump Hotel chain to pay $50,000 over credit card data breaches. No one knows who is behind the hacking, but authorities are investigating the possibility it came from a private e-mail server in Chappaqua, New York

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  SABMiller shareholders toast $100 billion takeover of AB InBev, presumably with an ice-cold odorless, tasteless, refreshing beer-like beverage

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  Survey of baristas, bookstore clerks and Chipotle cashiers concludes that Liberal Arts grads struggle with underemployment
· · ·

ISIS wives go for something old, something new, something borrowed and something blew, using a Walker instead of a Kaine, and consumers won't give pizza chance: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/18 - 9/24
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-09-26 10:53:48 AM (5 comments) | Permalink

It's a fresh week, but here are a few of the better headlines from last week. Cheers.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-09-18 to Sat 2016-09-24:

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  World famous exorcist Gabriele Amorth dies at age 91. Although as everyone knows, exorcists never really die, they're just repossessed

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  Man arrested for having sex with a horse fears he'll never again have a stable relationship

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  ♫ Goldsphincter (Wah wah waah) He's the man, The man with the Midas butt ♫

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  Man arrested for microaggression inside Univeristy of Iowa library restroom

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  Joan of Arc's sword missing, search centered on San Dimas Mall

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  This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. This little piggy went to Best Buy, This little piggy went to a party, This little piggy wait ... something's wrong here

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  Anti-intellectual paranoia hits new low as two passengers are removed from a flight simply for writing on the plane

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  Six-year-old appeals for Obama's help in his human trafficking scheme

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  Missing teen and former high school math teacher found together in motel room. Authorities suspect 25 went into 16 multiple times

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  ♫ Leprosy. I'm not half the kid I used to be. Body parts keep falling off of me. Can't go to school with leprosy ♫

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  ISIS wives are given suicide vests and machine guns as wedding gifts. Brides will now wear something old, something new, something borrowed and something blew


Sports:

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  Maryland farm is cheering on the Orioles with a huge corn maze. Unlike the Orioles, it will remain until the end of October

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  MN RB AP to OR ASAP

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  Former NFL linebacker has quite an adventure accidentally solving a murder case and, thanks to CTE, will treasure those memories for the next 3.5 hours


Geek:

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  Google is helping to crack down on illegal fishing from space. How long is that fishing line?

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  Verizon releases Galaxy Note 7 software update with warning, new battery indicator, blast radius estimates

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  Fish use "mobbing" technique to fight the Bobbit worm, as opposed to the more traditional method of using a knife while it's sleeping


Entertainment:

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  Not cool, yo

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  AC/DC bassist Cliff Williams says he's retiring, leaving Axl Rose as the only original member of the band

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  Edward Snowden biopic crashes at the box office. Producers suspect the entire movie was leaked online


Politics:

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  Walker to be used instead of Kaine

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  Schlong-awaited announcement: Department of Thrustice probing Weiner for sexting with 15 year old. Will Weiner waver? "No" Weiner vows to stay firm, but Weiner's probably going down. Boehner offers support: "Hang in there Weiner"

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  CastraTED


Business:

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  Spain's political instability causes consumers to not give pizza chance

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  Moody's cuts Viacom's credit rating from "cable" to "antenna"

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  WTO: There are two fouls on the play: Unbusinessmanlike Conduct, EU; failed to stop illegal subsidies to Airbus. Also, illegal use of start-up aid to launch new plane lines, Airbus. $10B+ penalty, first down Boeing
· · ·


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