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Jared Fogle pleads guilty to getting into smaller pants, Jesus paves, and we'll always have Paris: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/16 - 8/22
Posted by Unfreakable at 2015-08-24 8:55:01 AM (1 comment) | Permalink
Damn, the submitters were ON this week. Incredible job.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2015-08-16 to Sat 2015-08-22:
To thwart illegal migrants, Budapest turns to thousands of cannibalistic police who insist they're ready to take on the soylent majority
Jared Fogle pleads guilty to getting into smaller pants
Hilton to stop offering pornographic films. We'll always have Paris
Motel 6: We'll leave the pilot light on for ya
Brooklyn man who tried to avoid ticket by stealing traffic cop's penis charged with larceny, gets ticket anyway
Josh Duggar had a paid Ashley Madison account. How touching
Jared Fogle loses another 100 pounds
A judge in South Africa has postponed Oscar Pistorius's early release from prison. Looks like he won't be shooting through that door any time soon
British family on vacation gets the best photobomb ever
Home birth just as safe as going to the hospital and cheaper too. Well, maybe not when the carpet cleaning is factored in, but still
Fox Sports suspends Donovan McNabb "indefinitely" after he rear-ended a car at a stoplight while driving intoxicated. Former colleagues expressed astonishment that McNabb did not somehow manage to stop the car 3-4 yards short of the collision
Seven MLB players with a shot to break Barry Bonds' HR record. Wasn't that how Bonds got the record?
John McEnroe tells Jimmy Kimmel that he could beat Serena Williams. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS
Verily, vomit as virus vector varies by viscosity, velocity
Scientists create wormhole in the lab. EVERYBODY PA
Spotify wants to know about your contacts and where you're going and be friends with you on facebook and WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT OTHER MUSIC APP WHO IS SHE IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME???
A concert by the band Great White, at a farm that was the scene of a fatal hayride incident last year, was cancelled due to a power outage. Which was probably a lucky break for the audience, all things considered
FIREFLY to return to Fox lineup next season
The "Buffalo Bill" house from Silence of the Lambs is for sale. Would you buy it? I'd buy it. I'd buy it so hard
Jenna Bush Hager honors the accomplishments of her family by naming her daughter after Afghanistan's largest crop
Carly Fiorina visits the Iowa State Fair; 4,000 fair workers laid off
Former inspector inspects suspect inspection specification, suspects deception in support of rejection of nuclear inspection injection
Vietnam devalues its Dong. Begins test driving Corvettes
White people everywhere planning midnight release parties for September as Toyota announces it will roll out remodelled Prius
Company says their new chewable coffee Go Cubes have the same taste as drinking regular coffee, now hopes to take the chewable coffee market away from Starbucks
Oswald's gravestone will be returned back...and to the left, Oscar Pistorius' cattle grid, and Barry Bonds finds a sport where there's absolutely no doping: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/9 - 8/15
Posted by Unfreakable at 2015-08-17 11:07:49 AM (5 comments) | Permalink
Thanks for all the great headlines this week, submitters!
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2015-08-09 to Sat 2015-08-15:
"Obama hater, vibrator, and cherry tattooed penis." Opens envelope. "What are a rube, a tube, and a place to put lube"
No, Samuel Adams is not producing a beer infused with helium, despite people speaking very highly about it
Police respond to stabbing incident in Alta Vista, but admit searching for the culprit would have been easier if he had been stabbed in Google
NASA space missions used whale oil for lube until it was banned. Combined with beef cubes for space food and Velcro hook-and-loop fasteners, it's enough to make you say "Whale oil beef hooked"
Cops: Shoplifter hid ribeye steaks in his colostomy bag. The marinating craze is now officially out of hand
Lee Harvey Oswald's gravestone returned to Texas, will be placed back...and to the left
Dozens of men found in boat just off Greek island of Lesbos. Lesbos typically good at finding the man in the canoe
Navajo refuse to sign peace treaty with EPA, say they're not falling for THAT one again
Oscar Pistorius is expected to be fitted with an electronic tag upon his release from prison next week. It was either that or a cattle grid outside his house
Casket remains taken, casket remains
Tour guides outraged that Savannah, GA requires them to pass a history test, say it interferes with their ability to show visitors where Elvis and Abe Lincoln signed the Magna Carta
NFL draft will be held in Chicago for the 2nd year in a row; prompting speculation that maybe Chicago will eventually get an NFL team
The Cleveland Browns have discussed signing Ray Rice, so they can have at least one person that can beat somebody
Barry Bonds, now legally cleared, has turned to another sport: Cycling. Well this proves he's clean. Nobody does drugs in competitive cycling
Men masturbated for science, and here's what came of it
What happens when you ask IBM's Watson to analyze the personalities of Donald Trump, Gary Busey and Kanye West through their words? We learn that computers can cry real tears
DISPLAY "COBOL IS 56 YEARS OLD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO KILL IT?" ACCEPT ShouldCobolDie. DISPLAY "You have chosen to Keep Cobol. Will ask again in 2038" STOP RUN
Winona Ryder says something vague about a Beetlejuice sequel. Media: OK, I BELIEVE YOU
FDA rules Kim Kardashian is neither safe nor effective
So much fun, it will make you kiss your sister
Little House on the Prairie actress running for Congress hopes to have her back taxes paid by 2024, avoiding time in a Big House on the Prairie
Said to be extremely upset at his country's slide toward militarism under Prime Minister Abe, Emperor Akhito is expected to strongly express his displeasure during his annual address; perhaps by frowning slightly, or even obliquely mentioning it
"Can Carly Fiorina Seize Her Moment?" I bet she'll grab it, run with it and then plummet so hard in the polls, she'll have to lay off 30,000 RNC staff members and then the RNC polling will spike once they drop her candidacy
Warren Buffett buys $37B worth of PCP. No wonder the multiple was high
Google: ABC FTW BMW: LOLWUT? Google: FML
Greek economy grows in Q2 on news of tourist, item bought
A Maryland mansion fire, a visit to Thunderpdome, and Saudi Arabia involved in a sheikdown: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/2 - 8/8
Posted by Unfreakable at 2015-08-10 11:44:37 AM (2 comments) | Permalink
Happy Monday, everybody. Enjoy the headlines!
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2015-08-02 to Sat 2015-08-08:
👉👌, ✊: 🚫
Man stranded 44 miles off New Jersey treads water for four hours to stay alive before being rescued by Coast Guard. His name has not been released, but it's probably Robert
♫ You hoard twenty-one tons, what do you get / A vermin-filled home that reeks when it's wet ♫
Lawyer says porn is worse than Hitler. Hitler responds by saying lawyers are worse than him AND porn
Maryland mansion fire that killed six in February ruled accidental according to THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
Все ваши базы принадлежат нам
As drought conditions lead to a "nut boom" in California, residents fear a "nut bust" after aquifers dry up
French horn returned to woman five years after it was stolen. Neighbors reportedly already plotting to steal it again if she doesn't stop playing it
Prisoner surfs out of Norway jail, after obtaining a waiver and rider
Canadian doctor who helped keep thalidomide out of the US dies at age 101. Give her a round of applause, if you're able
Australia may ban the sales of Vegemite in some areas, expecting to lead men at work to cease business as usual, disrupting cargo shipments. Subby is of two hearts over this proposal, as this is overkill even in the land down under
The Carmelo Anthony of football thinks he is the LeBron James of football
The last time a Chancellor was in this bad of a bargaining position, Valorum lost control of the Senate
DeSean Jackson injures shoulder after being stopped by a blocking sled. Tag is for the equipment crew who left it near the end zone figuring no Redskin would be near it
New computer modeling shows that ice can form in one-millionth of a second. Vonnegut nods and says, 'I told you so'
Although we all should be drinking it more often, don't order beet juice three times in a row
Researchers have found a way to erase memories of meth in mice. In related news, research mice continue to get all the really good drugs
"Crow" reboot hits a snag. Not as bad of a snag as the first movie, but not good
Cooper Hefner is Slytherin his way into Scarlett Byrne
For $5.2 million, you can buy Michael Moore's Michigan mansion. Much less if you keep Michael
Fox News anchor Chris Wallace has some "doozies" planned for the Republican debate, including gotchas like "Which one of you loves America more," "Will you allow Obamacare to bankrupt America," and "How many Democrats could you beat in a fight?"
Sean Hannity puts 26 GOP voters in the same room and asks them to discuss Donald Trump. Thunderpdome ensues
In the worst sales pitch to congressional Republicans ever, Obama says rejecting the Iran deal is a vote for war
Toyota's Q1 profit up 10% on news nothing was recalled this morning
Planet Fitness IPO stumbles off the Stairmaster, smashes finger putting back a dumbbell and finally falls in a heap on a stinky yoga mat
Falling oil prices force Saudi Arabia to borrow money to finance their growing deficits. Leaders say it's a conspiracy, and nothing less than a sheik down
Gays finally able to tie the knot, Kim Jong Un plans to hang 10, and why you should never try to lift Solo: some of Fark's favorite headlines of the week for 7/26 - 8/1
Posted by Unfreakable at 2015-08-03 10:38:44 AM (4 comments) | Permalink
Good morning and welcome to a new week, everybody. Got some great headlines from last week in case you missed any.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2015-07-26 to Sat 2015-08-01:
Police have been called after a senior British Parliamentarian was pictured snorting cocaine with two prostitutes and pleasuring himself. Authorities have confirmed he is a high wanking official
Gays can finally tie the knot
Best Korea could become a surfing destination. Kim plans to hang 10
(○) (○) \0/... (○) (°), (○) (•), (*) (.), (●) (°) [Not safe for work]
Brain-eating amoeba found in Louisiana water, promptly added to endangered species list
Woman complains to police that a man in a BMW was naked from the waist down. Police tell her that if they had to investigate every dick in a BMW, they'd never have time to do any other police work
Son, 74, accused of threatening to kill his 100-year-old mother, possibly involving his accomplice, Time
Human torso found during investigation of severed limbs. Police say they are unconnected
'Shocking' number of Brits don't know they need to call 0118 999 881 99 9119 7253 in an emergency
Woman who adopted nine kids, fostered thirty-six dies in crash on way home to her shoe
The legacy of the Bin Laden family crashing jets into things continues
Lions won't shy away from Super Bowl talk, rich dentists
In a total reversal from early February, Tom Brady gets smoked by a Cuban
Tiger Woods makes four straight birdies in the second round of the Quicken Loans National tournament. It's first time this year he's had four straight birdies on a course that didn't include the holes "Windmill" and "Clown's mouth"
One of New Horizon's collaborators might be better known for his work with Mercury
Hotter-than-usual Northwest rivers are blamed for thousands of poached salmon
New development allows wheelchair-bound patients to stand again, says lead researcher Dr. Emil Schaffhausen
Seven female bass players who helped shape modern music: Kim Gordon, Tina Weymouth, Geddy Lee & more
J.J. Abrams broke his back trying to help Harrison Ford on the set of Star Wars. This is why you never try to lift Solo
Tea Party makes bid to remove flaccid Boehner
As Sanders begins to surge in the polls Hillary Clinton tries to position herself to his left, which given that he is a socialist, likely means either joining an ashram in Asheville, NC or doing her hair in "white girl dreads" and going to Burning Man
One researcher proved a dozen years ago that NINA did not exist. A teenager now shows otherwise. No word yet on the existence of Santa Maria and Pinta
United Airlines reports 2Q record profit of $1.2 billion. Company attributes success to more efficient booking, fewer passengers frills, fuel savings from not having any planes take off over the past three months
Beijing police shut down Samsung
Twitter's new interim CEO, facing pressure from investors amid a stagnant user base, announces plans to reinvent the company by making it mo
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