Thanks to everybody who came out to New Orleans last weekend, we had an awesome time. Now that my liver is nearly functional again, here are some of last week's best headlines. Some really good ones in the mix; enjoy! Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-03-31 to Sat 2013-04-06:  Sting balls quell LA jail riot, Trudie Styler  US [battling | supporting] [insurgent | freedom] fighters being trained in safe havens across the border from [Afghanistan | Syria]  Kerry on wayward Un  Fort Knox in lockdown after shooting. Authorities on the lookout for a gold obsessed German, a burly Korean in a bowler and, as always, Pussy Galore  It's easy to remember 'principle' vs. 'principal' - the principal of your school is your pal. Especially if she has sex with you and two of your friends  America's "hookup culture" isn't a problem, and the reason people aren't having as much promiscuous sex they'd like is because rejection is a big part of romance, especially when you're ugly  There is unrest in the forest, There is trouble with the trees, For the maples want some respite, From the farking syrup thieves  Woman arrested for the murder of a man on I-Drive. If only he'd hidden behind a partition South Korea deploys warships to track North Korean missiles if launched, possibly by following the trail of debris floating in the ocean  Please note: If you request time off for the deaths of your parents, uncle, aunt, brother and ex-husband, you're either going to be fired for lying, or for being bad luck to be around Transgender high school student wins right to wear dress to prom. No word on whether it will be an original Wang Sports: Kobe passes Wilt on scoring list, buys wife a new ring  Louisville over Duke. Oh snap  Last night, America watched a horde of clumsy, shambling, faceless, barely living monsters overrun and destroy an already damaged group of Southerners. They also watched "The Walking Dead" Geek: Next two iPhones may have been designed under Steve Jobs. I can't imagine what they smell like at this point The smell of olive oil helps with weight loss. So, that's how Popeye stayed so thin Gate to Hell found in Turkey, somewhere near the giblets Entertainment:  Bruce Campbell hints maybe, just maybe, there could be an Army Of Darkness 2. Yeah and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot RIP filmmaker Jésus Franco, who gave us memorable moments like "scimitar-wielding lesbians duking it out on a hilltop, a sadomasochistic orgy in a brothel or a coven of elderly witches massaging their nipples with a crucifix"  Roger Ebert reviews the new Terrence Malick/Ben Affleck film from beyond the grave. Here comes the seance Politics: Confederate flag at the old North Carolina capitol building is coming down. State officials say they don't want people thinking they had accidentally arrived in Mississippi Generations X and Y are coming together like jelly to rule American politics, award each other trophies Eric Holder accused of being "soft on porn". Sounds like he just needs better porn Business:  E.coli found in Farm Rich frozen foods. Broc.coli reportedly still okay  Oklahoma approves slaughtering horses for meat. Horses that aren't fast enough to make a graded stakes race will now become graded steaks Overlooked industry that is currently booming in the USA: sperm exports. IN YOUR FACE, CHINA · · ·
A bit late this week, sorry for the delay. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-03-24 to Sat 2013-03-30: Vidal Sassoon's will reveals one final heir cut Undocumented immigrant uses video game account to gain citizenship. This is not a repeat from The Last Starfighter Actual headline: "FBI joins search for missing Brown student". There's a first time for everything, I suppose Secret Service: Strong enough for a man, but directed by a woman Notre Dame Cathedral installs new bells for the first time since the 19th century, finally alleviating disfiguring back problems for their bell ringers  Bill Gates pledges to re-invent the condom. Because Bill Gates has such a great track record preventing viruses with his products Herpes virus now leads to memory loss. Especially when you have it and your spouse wants to know where you got it Thirty-five legislators are co-sponsoring a marijuana legalization bill in Maine, pointing out that after a long day of dealing with vampires, aliens, rabid dogs, evil clowns, and the Devil, sometimes you just really need to light one up Man tries to kill woman by putting poison in her shoes - thereby becoming her arch nemesis Man shoots, kills cougar he says was following him. All she wanted was a date  Apparently really going for that "rebel Pope" image, Pope Francis breaks Church law and washes the feet of *gasp* GIRLS on during Holy Thursday services. No word on when he's replacing the Popemobile with a Harley Sports: Media experts say that the Tiger Woods/Lindsey Vonn relationship is a publicity stunt, Tiger still wants a better score on a different hole Tim McCarver to leave Fox after 2013. What that means is, he will not be broadcasting on Fox after this year, he will 'retire' from doing games for the network. Retire is a five-letter word. His good friend Bob Gibson retired from baseball in 1975  Two in the pink, one in the Final Four Geek:  Experts warn that North Korea is training elite teams of "cyberwarriors", who have access to sophisticated technology including modems capable of connecting at up to 2400 baud and processors that can reach speeds as high as 24mhz Socially isolated people have higher likelihood of death; lower likelihood of being missed Something is killing half of America's bees. Looks like Davros is trying to steal the planet again Entertainment:  Dionne Warwick bankrupt. If only she had some friends who could've helped her see this coming Jesse James hopes to find happiness marrying a drag racing bride, although his past marriages were also fueled by alcohol, started fast and were done in six seconds "Louie, Louie" singer nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, although his acceptance speech will be recorded, slowed down, examined for double entendres Politics: Sturgeon to outline economic case for Scottish independence; won't hint on whether he will swim upstream, cut through the bureaucracy, or go with the flow Scalia wonders if same-sex marriages are harmful to children, forgets that *all* marriages are the same sex. Year...after year...after year....goddamn, do I need a hooker or something Satirist facing arrest for lampooning Muslim President. Told you Obama would show you his true colors during his second term, libs Business: Lululemon's policy for issuing refunds for recalled yoga pants is to have the woman bend over while wearing their pants so the clerk can determine if they are sheer enough to qualify. That, or Lululemon has the most gullible customers on the planet Bud Light goes after those who like it in their can  Bank of America CEO says he would like to have his job for life. Stockholders immediately agree that he should serve a life sentence · · ·
Nothing new to report this week, enjoy the headlines. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-03-17 to Sat 2013-03-23: Man born without a penis getting one made from his arm - he should have asked for a foot at least Child trapped in pizza machine suffers broken knuckles, hopefully does not have to have his hand tossed England slated to get six inches, encouraged to lie back and think of itself EA CEO steps down, will drive home to the first available unoccupied house Half of all Americans have more credit card debt than savings. The other half are childless Penn State to honor Dick Lippin. Again? Carnival cancels cruises after taking Triumph out of service for being pooped on Jane Goodall tramps all over the rights of other authors, plagiarizes bits of their work for her own book Woman gives birth to baby on highway during rush hour, marking the first time a project on the PA Turnpike was completed in nine months Voice coach says that using a sex toy gives singers an extra octave. Possibly two, depending on where they use it Fetus found in hospital trash bin, officially kicking off prom season Sports: Miami Heat makes it 23 in a row, send Kevin Garnett a case of Honey Nut Cheerios to get well soon Paternity suit dropped against Michael Jordan. It looks like there will be no heir Jordan Getting hit with a track and field projectile can be fatal. Discus Geek: Apple applies to patent phones that know they're falling and turn in mid-air to avoid breaking their screens. Subby can't decide whether to fasten one to a cat, or to a piece of buttered toast Chinese to use computer operating system with pre-installed keylogger to be named Wa Ching Yu Pentium turns 20.006086033530565 Entertainment: Lindsay Lohan sees rehab as the answer. But not very clearly Hacker with exquisite taste deletes all of Soulja Boy's videos off YouTube Kiefer Sutherland to play the villain in "Pompeii," so add Volcano to his impressive list of roles Politics: Bill Clinton urges another Democrat to challenge McConnell. Clearly, he wants Judd all to himself Mexican politician sues her opponents for claiming she likes to be polled by the electorate March Madness continues: St. Ronnie's Budget Hawks upset by Washington RINOs 59-40 Business: New 787 Dreamliner batteries will totally not catch fire says Boeing Engineering Vice President Hindenberg Carnival Cruise Lines says it will spend double on repairs in 2013. Of course, anyone doing the math knows that two times nothing is still nothing Nike 3Q profits top estimates, despite paying out $23 for total labor costs · · ·
You'll notice one small change this week--the top voted headline of the week was "Cardinals hire new manager" and it's brilliant, but technically, it's a context headline that will be in the context contest. Most of the time, I don't list the context headlines here, but I've decided that when a context headline performs so well, I'll still show it here, even though it'll be in another contest later. It won't change the Headline of the Year contest at all, but you'll get to appreciate it in these weekly writeups Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-03-10 to Sat 2013-03-16:  Woman caught performing sex act on boyfriend inside bank. It's not clear if he left a deposit  Image of Jesus appears on car's windshield. Must have been a Christler  Cardinals hire new manager Entire Vatican library to be digitized across 2.8 pedobytes Carnival, the Windows ME of the cruising world, has yet another ship stuck in Safe Mode Why the new pope, even though he is a Jesuit, chose the name "Francis" rather than Ignatius to honor his order's founder: Maybe to invoke St Francis' commitment to charity and social justice, or maybe just to avoid being "Iggy Pope" Reporters can't track down man charged with bestiality. Could be he's already on the lamb Inoperable NYC railroad station elevator nicknamed a "vertical urinal". NYC subways still considered horizontal urinals Violin played while the Titanic sank in 1912, goes on display with no strings attached ♫The poop police, they live inside of my head. The poop police, they come to me in my bed. The poop police, they're coming to arrest me, oh no♫ LAFD sprayed the foam to drown the bees that killed the dog that jumped the tree that the neighbors chopped that housed the hive that hurt the dog whose owners declined to speak on cam but said "never would have expected this" -- will get jack squat Sports: Nani... Nami... Nnamdi...Notgonnaworkhere anymore, am I right? Ray Lewis allegedly joining ESPN as an analyst, which is odd as he didn't see anything Duke is sucked out of the ACC tournament by Maryland Geek: New study says length of DNA strands can predict life expectancy, prove Peter North may be immortal Self-healing computer chips invented. Take that, Dave Researchers discover penis can cure migraines. No word on whether one must apply directly to forehead Entertainment: Bob Dylan voted into American Academy of Arts and Mmgrmphms Apparently Jason Statham is the only actor who is willing to pass on Star Wars VII: A New Hip Bruce Dickinson (yes, THE Bruce Dickinson) introduces Iron Maiden Trooper Beer. It tastes okay, but could use a little more cowbell Politics: North Korea makes good on one of its threats. Of course, it was the threat to lock itself in the bathroom and not talk to anyone until it gets its way, but that's still a threat Forbes says that the Denver Post says that the Associated Press says that Homeland Security wants to buy 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition. So I guess it's pretty serious To offset liberal bias, university to add "Conservative Thought and Policy" professor. Topics of study include "The Reagan Colonoscopy: A Journey Inside Greatness" Business: Kraft joins the NASDAQ 100 on the news that Kraft is TFARK spelled backwards Air India jet clips a JetBlue airliner on the tarmac at JFK. Pilot says he was caught off guard when the JetBlue plane actually started to taxi towards a runway U.S factory employees averaged a record 41.9 hours a week in February, or as six-year-old Nike workers call it: the swing shift · · ·
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