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Things get worse for Fort McMurray fire evacuees, Gotze to explore other openings, and obtuse man jumps into Angle Lake: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/22 - 5/28
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-30 8:56:24 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Enjoy the headlines

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-05-22 to Sat 2016-05-28:  Man who poached endangered fish is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice, may get jail time to mullet over  A story that's both lame and sucks: Woman fights off burglar with crutch and vacuum cleaner  Obtuse man jumps into Angle Lake, acute drowning ensues  Verschlimmbesserung is the German word for "improvement that makes things worse." Or as we say in English, Microsoft  Six-month-old girl water skis across Florida lake. That's nothing, a two-month-old can skip across a lake if you've got a strong enough arm  Cat-filled beach is top tourist spot in Sardinia, although you should probably avoid digging in the sand  Things just keep getting worse for Fort McMurray fire evacuees  Fishing boat pulls four US Navy pilots out of the ocean; two are immediately thrown back as the fishermen were over their limit  Shroud of Urine discovered at local gym  More than 300 people on board Korean Air plane evacuated after engine fire. They also left the plane  Virginia declares a Civil War battlefield an active crime scene. When will they just admit they lost?

Sports:  Group says Bubba Smith died from concussion-related injuries and not overexposure to Steve Guttenberg as previously reported  FIFA fires its financial director for taking millions of dollars in "irregular" bonus payments. Or as most people refer to that process, "embezzlement"  Bayern Munich encourages Gotze to explore other openings

Geek:  NASA satellite arrives at bizarre location, which appears to be populated by mysterious creatures who behave irrationally, defying scientific explanation  Jupiter's moon Europa may have similar chemical balance to Earth and has "the right conditions for life." Oh sure, of ALL the places in the universe humans could move to, we pick the ONE place we were warned to avoid  Tests show that drivers can't accurately judge the speed of approaching trai

Entertainment:  Johnny Ramone's widow buys his guitar at auction, says she will do something with the instrument that had never been done while her husband was alive. Tune it up?  Bill Cosby to stand trial for all the rapin' and the druggin' with the wizzle and the wozzle  Three shot at T.I. show in Manhattan. Calculators: Serious business

Politics:  North Korea rejects Trump's offer to meet with Kim Jong Un, citing the ancient law that allows for only one egotistical dictator with a god complex in the country at a time  Surprise Johnson might leave a mark on election. This is not a repeat from 1996  Trump wants to hold his acceptance speech at either FirstEnergy Stadium or Progressive Field. Well these places do have a history of hosting a losing team with a rabid fan base

Business:  Teen Vogue editor appointed new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. Immediately begins working on a cover story detailing the new custom home specially built for Malibu Barbie  TSA to hire 768 full time screeners to help with security delays at airports. All job applicants have to wait in line three hours for an interview, after taking off their shoes and being limited to three ounces of water  Foxconn replaces 60,000 jobs with robots. On the bright side, they now have a job opening for someone to talk robots out of suicide
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Fisting site members concerned with backdoor breach, Panthrs rsign Jagr, and a Sue Goog Seuss headline: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/8 - 5/14
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-16 10:44:41 AM, edited 2016-05-16 10:46:43 AM (5 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everyone. A lot of good headlines last week. Well done, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-05-08 to Sat 2016-05-14:  "80-year-old lovebirds tie the knot" - well, yeah, when your body parts are that droopy, they are easy to get entangled  Here is someone new to sue now. Will GOOG choose to sue Sue Googe now? Or will Google see the Seussing of the Sue Googe? Suessers do, sirs. Mix the fonts, Sue? I won't do it. I can't say it, I won't sue it  Wildfire that started in Mexico has now crossed over into the US. This kind of thing won't happen once Trump is president  George Zimmerman to auction off his penis  'Gingerbread man' taunts police while fleeing, apparently not understanding how fast police will run after an escaping pastry  Fisting site members didn't sign up for this kind of backdoor access  Military women demonstrate their commitment to the infantry  Not a great day for those with friggatriskaidekaphobia - of course not to be confused with kjahfjkajklhfbalsfbaphobia which is the irrational fear of falling asleep on your keyboard  Archaeologists find 50,000 year-old axe. No word if it still reeks of teenage desperation and gyms  Egypt in denial. Circular joke reference collapses into singularity  Man gets penis stuck in wrench. Serves him right; those are only supposed to be used on nuts

Sports:  Panthrs rsign Jagr  Noah Syndergaard smashes two homers. Apparently Bartolo is now teaching his flock how to hit  Patriots to lose Gronk for entire 2016-2017 season

Geek:  After a year of testing, LAPD finds Tesla impractical as a police cruiser, returns all cars at no charge  Scientists discover dung beetles navigate by storing star maps in their tiny brains - which just goes to prove that even if you're stuck having to deal with shiat all day, you're still likely to pick up something useful  Scientists discover first ever group of lesbian gorillas after following the tracks of Subarus deep into the jungle

Entertainment:  Silver Alert issued for missing 67-year-old man. Speaks broken English and is known for urinating on state monuments  Members of the band Def Leppard will meet with students at the Arkansas School for the Deaf, whose mascot is a leopard. This is the sound of one hand clapping  Justin Bieber says he is no longer taking photographs with fans because it makes him feel like a zoo animal. Wait, do they keep jackasses in zoos?

Politics:  GOP civil war deepens when Rubio learns that Hydra forced Trump to kill Rubio's parents and Ted Cruz knew but didn't tell him  RNC Chair Reince Priebus calls Third Party idea "stupid". But is it 'Sarah Palin running mate' grade stupid, or 'government shutdown' grade stupid?  Fark Ready Headline : "Hillary, Bernie to make weekend push in Ky" Ewww

Business:  If you need a Lyft in Austin, it's going to be Uber hard to get one after Monday  Bitcoin: The savior of Wall St-OH GOD WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOMED  AB's latest product is watered-down, tasteless, fairly bitter, and covered in a garish wrapper that smacks of insecurity and an inflated ego
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Ground control to Major Fawn, see shells in Seychelles by the sea shore, and Baywatch star is now engaged to a girl nearly hoff his age: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/1 - 5/7
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-09 7:38:54 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

A lot of good headlines last week. Well done, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-05-01 to Sat 2016-05-07:  Now that the nice weather is here again, here's how not to fark up three of the most common handyman DIY jobs. Or you can drink five beers, watch the first half of a relevant YouTube video and grab the chain saw, like always  Workers in Spain unearth MCCC pounds of Roman coins  UK nuclear power plant to be most expensive object on Earth, thus dethroning subby's ex-wife  Mother Nature can only deal with so much DNA on her hands before things start to get messy. Here comes the science  Looks like marriage to that Nickelback guy has taken its toll  Repeat from 1985. Speeding driver found with drugs and $11K in cash. This is a  ♫ Ground control to Major Fawn ♫  Everybody around the world is equally bad at guessing the length of an average penis. Seriously, I don't know why you guys get so hung up on this. It's entirely possible to have decent sex with men under nine inches; they just need to be good at oral  'Boaty McBoatface' to be renamed RRS Sir David Attenborough. Because sometimes the public votes for something totally asinine and you just have to put your foot down and say NO. Your move, Republicans  Sting targets drug dealers as heroin overdose deaths increase. Rest of The Police are too busy to reunite  East African Coral reefs struggling, now harder to see shells in Seychelles by the sea shore

Sports:  NFL bans meat as a performance enhancing drug. William Perry's entire career considered one big asterisk  Cavs set NBA record with 25 made three-pointers in stomping of Hawks. Last time people from Ohio laid waste to Atlanta like this, the Union won the Civil War  Tom Brady releases a $200 cookbook, with a foreword by Peter King detailing the best uses for warm buttermilk

Geek:  It appears that Craig Wright may not be the REAL Satoshi Nakamoto after all. The real Satoshi Nakamoto is now rumored to be retired and living like a king in Patagonia  Huge trove of fossils found in Antarctica, including remnants of plesiosaurs, mosasaurs, a Siberian husky, multiple humans, and a detached head with eight spindly legs  19th century commune leader believed sleeping around could lead to immortality. Subby's used that line many times and it rarely works

Entertainment:  All right, stop, collaborate and listen: down in the sewers, the damp makes it glisten. Four bad dudes eating pizza nightly, taught by a rat who's old yet sprightly. Left in the 90s, my career is crap - that's why I'm making turtle rap  Tupac Shakur's mother has died. Supposedly  Baywatch star is now engaged to a girl nearly hoff his age

Politics:  Carly Fiorina does an impression of her HP stock  The Trump motorcade is now on Cruz control  Phase two of the Kasich/Cruz coalition to be implemented this afternoon

Business:  Hispanics will outspend Millennials by 2020, though there will be a lot of essays saying otherwise  European Central Bank to remove the 500 Euro note, which is worth about $575, from circulation. Or as Greece calls that amount, the national budget  Madison Square Garden posts wider Q3 loss, after NY Knicks' 3-point plan to winning goes awry
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Inmates buying tiny cell phones by the buttload, Nixon's Waterloo, and Cmen from a Dmen: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/24 - 4/30
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-05-02 9:30:34 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Welcome back to a new week, everybody. These were some of the headlines from last week that made us laugh. Hope you enjoy them, too.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-24 to Sat 2016-04-30:  Texas man purloins steaks, has beef with cops leading to high-speed chase. Police use flanking maneuvers and attempt to T-bone suspect before he's finally cut off. Strip search reveals evidence  Soldier dies after running marathon. This is not a repeat from 490 BCE  Another data breach on a dating site. You don't have to worry though  Spanking causes worse behavior ... but better daddy issues  Disney cruise ship rescues three federal fugitives at sea. Must now choose between working in diamond mine, being trapped in a lamp or being turned into pumpkins as punishment  Parents name their son 'Jet Star' after the airline he was born on board. Good thing he wasn't born on Virgin  US Air Force nominates the first Jew to ever become a service branch Chief of Staff. His mother would like you to know how proud she is of his brother the doctor  World's tiniest cell phone is very popular with prison inmates, who are buying buttloads of them  Millennials going door to door for grass  Utah mom does Crossfit until day before she delivers her baby. Resulting posts fill up two thirds of Facebook's server farms  In what could be a preview of a Trump election victory headline, gigantic cock moving to Pennsylvania Avenue

Sports:  Court of Appeals saves Boston-area sports radio for the next five months by reinstating Tom Brady's DeflateGate suspension  Tiger Woods says he "feels good" after the first few holes this year. That's all good and fine but, what about his golf game?  The Hasterts move on to next round

Geek:  Bloomberg turns to robots to deliver its news. Audience braces for the return of Ted Koppel  Halloween just got a whole lot scarier  Scientist: Somebody alive today will live for 1000 years. My money's on Zsa Zsa

Entertainment:  Kid Rock's personal assistant killed in ATV accident on Rock's property. Early reports are saying he up jumped the boogie  Katt Williams arrested for a salt  The Omen is getting a prequel, presumably called The Cmen from a Dmen and where it Kmen

Politics:  Ted Cruz concedes California  Obama's hypocritical drug policy is his Iran-Contra, which was Reagan's Watergate, which was Nixon's Waterloo, which was Napoleon's Battle of Hastings, which was King Harold's Calvary, which was Jesus' Troy, which was  Taint to endorse asshole

Business:  Xerox 1Q profits fall 84%▓▓▒▒░░  Texas instruments increased sales of processors helps company avoids 1Q 535507  NYC's Four Seasons restaurant tells all employees that they won't be working this summer, fall, winter, spring
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Canada to attack ISIS with Nickelback, cake controversy gets a re-torte, and scientists discover something not-so-secret about Freddie Mercury: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/17 - 4/23
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-25 11:46:46 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Hi everybody. Happy Monday; enjoy the headlines. :-)

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-17 to Sat 2016-04-23:  17th annual "White Privilege Conference" was held in Philadelphia. Which was actually just an alternative for the people who can't go to the real one later this year in Cleveland  7/11 was a part time job  NJ motorcyclist killed after driving in the refrigerator lane  People being shot in Butte by pellet gun sniper. People also being shot in leg  Rap video shooting interrupts rap video shooting  "Well, allow us to re-torte"  Harriet Tubman to be placed on the $15.40 bill  Teen electrocuted performing Jacob's Ladder experiment he saw on YouTube, leaves behind family, friends, a lingering smell  Man connected to organized crime killed by sni--  In the 16th Century red meat was better than white, fruit was for the poor and sick and ThotalFarke cost but 1 groat a monthe  U.S. attacks ISIS with B52's. Canada to send Bieber, Nickleback

Sports:  Throughout NHL Playoffs, Kings fans who fly Delta can jump to front of the line to board their plane as long as they're wearing Kings gear. Not just for the two trips to San Jose, but to golf courses all over the country through mid-June  Browns drop the deuce on Philadelphia  Tony Stewart is returning to NASCAR this weekend, immediately gets fined $35k for talking about himself

Geek:  First detailed snapshots of Venus from the Akatsuki probe reveal strange clouds, which could indicate that Venus is way ahead of Earth in legalizing marijuana  New report says that much of the scientific research that is published today is false. Although it's not certain who did the report and how they compiled and checked their information  Google charged over Android abuse. Synthetics and Replicants toiling away in the Data Mines raise their heads in solidarity

Entertainment:  Happy 70th birthday to Tim Curry. I think this calls for a cele-  Science discovers what many men already knew: Freddie Mercury had an incredible throat  Spoiler alert: it blows up on the last episode

Politics:  Bill Clinton warns that Bernie Brahs will 'shoot every third person on Wall Street' instead of dealing with the situation discreetly, like Vince Foster  So Mr. Doe, I see you worked on a presidential campaign "Yes, Trump 2016" :-| I'm sorry, but the position is filled *buzzes for hounds*  7/11, Benghazi declared winners in NY primary

Business:  Tinder tests feature to share a profile with coworkers on LinkedIn or Slack, possibly to set up a date, or more likely to populate a to-do list  Coca-Cola cans and bottles getting a "major" makeover, because if there's one thing Coke has learned about its customers over the years, it's that they love big changes  "Journalism has an editing crisis." EVERYBOYD PANC
· · ·

Suicide at golf course leaves hole in one, the problem with littoral lube failure, and being shot at by a man with a gnu: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/10 - 4/16
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-18 11:56:11 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday and a good week to you all. Enjoy some of last week's better samplings...

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-10 to Sat 2016-04-16:  Indiana Jones and the temple go boom  Jane Goodall to meet Canadian PM Trudeau, check him for fleas and nits  Democracy: Syria's business  Sailor takes on 12 labors to benefit war vets. Hercules impressed  Suicide at golf course leaves hole in one  Airline passenger tries to smuggle live birds in his pants, is caught live tweeting  Littoral lube failure proves costly for Navy, most relationships  Text-to-911 service goes live in Wayne County, allowing anyone who needs help to inform authorities that they're being shot at by a man with a gnu  Mass grave discovered may hold remains of those who died during the Cylon Conspiracy. I knew we shouldn't have trusted Anders to fly those ships into the sun  Palm Beach Zoo has an immediate opening for tiger keeper  Gay pride

Sports:  Warriors win their 72nd game of the season. Local hardware store is accused of gold spray paint price gouging  Jean-Luc Brassard quits as Canadian Olympic team's chef de mission, citing violations of Prime Directive  9.7, 9.7, 9.9, 9.8

Geek:  NASA take to Facebook to fight global warming denial. Relationship status: It's complicated  Apple reveals how long its devices typically last, which is irrelevant since you will buy the new version every year  Expendable crew module attached to space station for those red shirted crew members. Oh, "expandable." Never mind

Entertainment:  Prince makes an emergency landing due 2 flu  Coachella promoter looks to book a bunch of old guys into mega concert, to be called "The Catch Us Before 2016 Does" show  It's official: We know who wins in a battle between Batman v. Superman v. Deadpool

Politics:  Laura Bush throws support behind the best Republican left in the race for the White House  Nate Silver releases game sequel to Pandemic  The Donald Trump of newspapers endorses the New York Post of candidates

Business:  Southwest Airlines orders five full-flight simulators from CAE to train pilots, United will still continue to use planes parked on the tarmac to simulate real world conditions acquired for $39 million by Scripps. Purchase price could easily be paid in a lump sum, but instead will be split into two parts  Golfsmith goes after casual golfers in new ads celebrating truly terrible shots. Unfortunately they made the commercial before they had the chance to see Jordan Spieth playing the 12th hole at the Masters
· · ·

Republicans reach around to embrace the gay community, the worst blind-dating matchup of all time, and an opportunity to buy an artisanal, hand-crafted, eco-friendly, cruelty free bridge: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/3 - 4/9
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-11 12:06:42 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Hope your week is starting off right. Lots of great headlines this week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-04-03 to Sat 2016-04-09:  Woman has 720 condoms confiscated by Indonesian customs for being pornographic material, also for being wildly optimistic  Lesbos to be visited by Pope Francis in what has to be the worst blind-dating matchup of all time  Study finds millennials are more vulnerable to scams than any other age group, including seniors. In other news, anyone want to buy an artisanal, hand-crafted, eco-friendly, cruelty free bridge? You guys should like it, it's even in Brooklyn  Let me play for you the song of my poophole  Man who had a stroke running in a marathon says he's got half a mind to run in another one  Brave Iraqi Army, bravely ran away / When ISIS reared its ugly head, they bravely turned their tails and fled / Brave Iraqis turned about, and gallantly they chickened out  Italian bee rustling is on the rise. Interpol on lookout for anyone carrying millions of tiny lassos  New sign for Civil War veterans buried in Billings cemetery. Personally I think displaying the sign would have been a better choice  A 4-year-old saved his mom's life by unlocking her cellphone and calling for help, is now planning to put Kindergarten on hold while he considers offers made by both Apple and the FBI  "I'm scared on top of this utility pole. I'm going to puma pants"  B-52's join the fight against ISIS, bringing a New Wave in the allied offense

Sports:  St. Louis Cardinals strike out 14 times against Pirates pitchers on Opening Day. City of Pittsburgh immediately renamed The Windy City  Much like the LGBT community, the National Championship is not allowed in North Carolina  Royals slam three dongs and finish with a Wang. The last time TV was this filthy, it was nothing but Bush and Gore

Geek:  Scientists create artificial skin with hair follicles and sweat glands, are now just waiting for the T-800 endoskeleton from Cyberdyne Systems  Expert warns that way too many kids are running around with asthma inhalers these days. Okay, maybe more 'stumbling and gasping' but still  Researchers confirm that sleepy teens engage in risk-taking activities. Parents of teens confirm that wide-awake teens do the same thing because, duh, they're teenagers

Entertainment:  It's a wrap insulin  Rick rolls again

Politics:  Ivanka Trump-branded scarves recalled because they could burst into flames. Her father's pants are next  Indiana Republicans reach around to embrace their gay community  Socialist Jew to speak at Vatican. HE HAS RISEN

Business:  IKEA recalls LATTJO batcape because it SKRATSCHES, CHOHKSYA  Mattel's Fisher Price names new creative director. The position was recommended for adults age 45-52  Don't you hate it when you get a piece of music stuck in your head? Hyundai feels your pain, since they can't stop recalling Sonatas
· · ·

Cops finger culprits of G-Spot shooting after long search, quick dick pic nicks chick, and the surprising comeback of exorcism is turning heads: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/27 - 4/2
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-04-04 11:08:32 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Welcome back to a new week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-03-27 to Sat 2016-04-02:  Research shows that birth control pill use is linked to fewer knee injuries in teen girls. And it's not for the reason that you think it is  Police search for suspects in shooting at the G-Spot. Authorities report that they are having trouble locating them. Update: after some intense probing, cops finger their culprits  Marco Pol..... Oh shiat  *Click* quick dick pic nicks chick  11 things Germany does better than anybody else. Trying to take over Europe surprisingly absent  Scientists say new male contraceptive pill prevents pregnancy in rabbits. What the hell are these guys DOING in those labs?  Womb with a brew  Couple awakes to 400-pound bear licking their bedroom window. Same thing happened to me last time I got drunk at a pride parade  Three people injured in head-on collision on Curry highway, naan killed  91-year-old man is a member of his Texas neighborhood citizen patrol, says his main job is to look for people who exhibit suspicious behavior. Like being out on the streets after 7:30 at night  The surprising comeback of exorcism is turning heads

Sports:  Dale Earnhardt Jr: "I'm donating my brain to science". Science: "Yeah, we're good"  America's first pro rugby league looks to attract millennials, will now to try include a joystick, touch screen and controller to the game  Fan Duel, Draft Kings announce they will suspend all wagering on college sports after a meeting with the NCAA in which colleges expressed horror than anyone might be PROFITING off the athletic exhibitions staged by their amateur scholar-athletes

Geek:  Study finds that people with severe ADHD  Dating service matches people solely on their odor. All clients listed by rank  Colon cancer discovered in an 18th century Hungarian mummy. And you thought your HMO was slow to approve getting a colonoscopy

Entertainment:  Avicii says 2016 will be his last year hitting Macbook buttons in public  William Shatner sued for placement of Captain's Log  Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys arrested for choking a woman, unless something's f*cky

Politics:  Miranda gives a warning that Puerto Rico's debt is soaring: the pain of a brain drain amplifies his mourning. Help could come Congressional, but San Juan is so ignorable, laments a Broadway professional in a Gray Lady editorial  When Trump hires campaign staff, he's not hiring the best. He's hiring people that have lots of problems. They're bringing crime. They're getting arrested for battery in Florida.... And some, I assume, are good people  George Mason law school to be renamed the Antonin Scalia School of Law or more succinctly ASSoL

Business:  CBO lowers its budget deficit projection for 2016 by $10 billion. Which is what happens when Congress adjourns for their latest recess three minutes early  JetBlue to takeover VirginAmerica in valueenhancing airlinemerger  Tesla launches 'affordable' electric car. *Checks date* Yeah, right
· · ·

Cruz denies Cuban Mistress Crisis, shaking the butthole paradigm, and LeBron James striving to win the 2011 NBA title: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/20 - 3/26
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-03-28 12:13:43 PM (2 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-03-20 to Sat 2016-03-26:  Britain to pull the plug on tampon tax  Woman wakes up one day and can no longer swallow. Same thing happened to my wife the day after we were married  TSA spoils Rob Ford's wake  Institute for Depriving You Of The Slightest Joy In Life And Incessantly Nagging You Until You Beg For The Sweet Release Of Death And Even Then You're Doing It Wrong says moderate alcohol consumption isn't good for you after all  But hey, free dwarf  New observations in comb jellies shakes the butthole paradigm. Hey, new band name  Pandas caught on tape mating. In related news, Gawker to post video online  Alas, poor William  Monarch butterflies could disappear from Eastern US within 20 years, probably to be replaced by blue morphos  And if the Syrian Civil War wasn't already an absurdly complicated mess, there may be two North Korean army units present in the country, possibly to fire missiles into the Mediterranean  DNA from Brussels suspect found all over the Paris attacks, if you know what I mean

Sports:  Peyton Manning wants to organize a 10-year Super Bowl reunion during the Bears-Colts game this upcoming season. Bears defenders Mike Brown and Tommie Harris have already said they will have to miss it  LeBron James striving to win the 2011 NBA title  RGIII decides to sign two-year contract with a minor league team

Geek:  A farewell to legendary mathematician Sir Christopher Zeeman, a pioneer in the arcane field of catastrophe theory later manifested in the Cleveland Browns front office and the Fark politics tab  Andy Grove is now just a memory  Smart people don't need friends anyway. Just the internet. And maybe the boxed set of Firefly. And the internet

Entertainment:  Jurors say the Hulk Hogan sextape was worse than they expected, thought the run-in by Pat Patterson in the end was extremely uncalled for  Garry Shandled  Kevin Hart signs a deal to write his memoirs. Apparently it will be a collection of short stories

Politics:  Trump tries desperately to get another "m"  Hillary promises to share the secrets of Area 51 to the world if elected, presumably by placing them on an email server  Cruz denies Cuban Mistress Crisis

Business:  Merger of two paint giants gets worldwide coverage  Most Americans favor lifting the Cuban embargo. Especially Red Sox fans who desperately need help in their bullpen  British Judge approves the extradition of the "flash crash " trader who single-handed caused the US stock market to crash in 2010, even if he was slightly incredulous that the US was actually going to bring charges for a financial crime
· · ·

Chip Monk, the search for Seattle's hipster ninja masturbator, and Obama nominates Self for court pick: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/13 - 3/19
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-03-21 6:56:46 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

Happy Monday, everybody. Hope some of these give you a chuckle like they did for me.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-03-13 to Sat 2016-03-19:  Russian military begins withdrawal from the parts of Syria that Putin doesn't want  Police seek hipster ninja masturbator in Seattle. Ironically, someone saw him coming  Woman's addiction causes her to eat her armchair foam. She hopes eventually to recover  Explosion at Hawaii energy research laboratory leaves researcher seriously injured, anxiously awaiting new super powers  Twitter turns ten years old. And just like a ten year old child it communicates with fractured sentences, demands constant attention from everyone around, and is years away from ever actually making any money  Chip Monk  Computer nerds successfully get into a woman's panties  Man ordered to undergo mental health evaluation jumps from court house's third floor balcony. Evaluation complete  T&A Mobile  Apple CEO says the company's fight with the FBI is "about the future." Which is hard to believe since the FBI's technical skills are somewhere between the Victrola and the rotary phone  Your trailer park door you should latch it, when a violent itch he would scratch it. He has a short fuse and threatens abuse by putting to use his new hatchet

Sports:  Dak arrested for DUI, which may after his draft prospects, force him to join the Rebellion, and die in battle as a snowspeeder gunner. Drinking kills  Goodell to give up discipline duties. No word on whether knocking your wife out in an elevator will still be an equal suspension to wearing the wrong color socks  Now that they've washed their hands of Johnny Manziel, the Cleveland Browns vow to find a quarterback who's mature, durable, and a team leader. And .... hey, what's Robert Griffin III doing here?

Geek:  Instagram to display photos order, out of will test feed algorithm-based  Fossilized T-Rex found in Montana determined to be pregnant female, prompting emergency State Legislature sessions across the US to ban abortions in the 16,250,000th trimester  Could Apple's iWatch detect a stroke? Well, it probably depends on if it was on the dominant wrist

Entertainment:  Camille Cosby does not want to discuss her marital sex life. Most likely because she can't remember any of it  Emerson, Smith and Wesson  Chachi loves phony

Politics:  Trump supporters deface cemetery at latest rally. To be fair, the dead in Illinois were going to vote straight-ticket Democrat anyway  Rubiobot blue screens  Obama nominates Self for court pick

Business:  Apple claims the DOJ actions would appall the Founders. And who would know better than a company owned by white males that uses slave labor?  Acefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz  Microsoft in trouble for hiring more women
· · ·

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