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The joy of sects, tyrannosaur gangs, and feathered little bags of shiat: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 7/20 - 7/26
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-07-28 2:23:37 PM (2 comments) | Permalink
Have a great week, everybody.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-07-20 to Sat 2014-07-26:
Woman leaves her husband after losing her sense of smell. Hmm seems like it would be the other way around
If two trains on Saturday night collide roughly 30 miles from Milwaukee causing 5,000 gallons of diesel to spill, 10 cars to derail, and 100 homes to be evacuated within a half-mile radius, what is the value of X?
It was lupus
Police seek men who stole 144 pairs of lingerie. Gross
Judge refuses to release a 551 pound man from house arrest. His wife was crushed
Cops seek answers in professor's slaying. Promptly distribute blue books to neighbors and potential witnesses
Please note: there are several useful things one can say when running into a convenience store while billowing smoke and flames, but "I'm on fire" is really just stating the obvious
Tooth Fairy declares bankruptcy
Pineapple upside-down truck
After investigating for three years, aviation authorities say helicopter crash was caused by "failure to maintain clearance" near mountains. In related news, flying into a mountain makes you crash
Fire destroys bloodmobile; blood bank trying to B positive about it
The following loss takes place between the 15th stage and 16th stage of the Tour de France
Charles Woodson says the Raiders are in "win now" mode, which is a lot like saying the Israelis are in "peace now" mode
Texas Longhorns football media guide misspells the word "Texas" 200 times. University promises to never again use team members as proofreaders
Computer scientists decode birdsong, discover what the feathered little bags of shiat think is so important that they have to scream it at each other outside your window at 5 a.m. every day
MIT research develops a new sponge that uses solar energy to convert water into steam. Researchers considering calling it a Useless Brother-in-Law, which also lays around and does nothing but convert energy into gas all day
It turns out the ancient world was terrorized by tyrannosaur gangs straight out of Chompton
George Harrison memorial destroyed by beetles
Ted Nugent's show canceled over "racist and hate-filled remarks," or what was otherwise known as "The Ted Nugent Show"
John Travolta can't stop his gay lover from opening his mouth anymore
Cambodian rivals come together to end political deadlock over dinner. A sort of pol pot, as it were
Sarah Palin finally gets her name at the top of the ticket
"Hezbollah and Hamas may join forces" Ah, the joy of sects
Microsoft didn't announce 18,000 layoffs last week. That was a synergy-related headcount restructuring
McDonald's, Taco Bell apologize for selling expired garbage meat, saying they actually meant to sell unexpired garbage meat
Aversion to white flour leaves Americans with a loathe of bread
Nickel back sucks, Germans get off by Gotze, and murderous amoeba: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 7/13 - 7/19
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-07-21 2:18:12 PM (0 comments) | Permalink
A good week for headlines. More than halfway through the year now, and submitters are stepping up.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-07-13 to Sat 2014-07-19:
Moviegoers have to jump off a high ledge to escape a fire. It was like something straight out of a novel
Teenage boy kept wondering why people kept telling him to stop standing up on top of the double-decker bus. And then it hit him
Salvage crews to begin raising the Concordia this week. Admiral Tolwyn hopes to finish the operation before the Kilrathi can attack again
Epcot monorail evacuated after lightning strikes a transformer. Department spokesman Lyle Lanley insists the craft was safe, even though monorails in Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook suffered similar accidents
This just in: Nickel back sucks
Here are Rolling Stone's five most dangerous guns in America. I'm betting they list Kurt Cobain's shotgun as #1, because they always have to have Nirvana at the top of their lists
Amoeba found guilty of murdering young girl, to spend life in single cell
The dolphins have declared war, and this time it's on porpoise
Robbers chase man in bikini and high heels down the street. Police putting out a drag net for the thieves
Typhoon Rammasun is headed to China as it kills at least ten in the Philippines, predicts that Romney will win the 2012 presidential election by 7 points
On the bright side, Malaysian Air knows where this one is
Paul Pierce agrees to a 2-year, $11 million deal with the Wizards after holding out for best handicapped parking spot
Germans get off by Gotze. Ewwww
Tim Howard wants to know if the Knicks have cap space for him. Knicks reportedly mystified by concept of somebody playing defense
Smell, eye test could be early warning system for Alzheimer's. Because if you can smell your eyes, you may just have a problem
New plant species found in West Texas. Botanists are calling it a 'tree'
Lonely biologist names newly discovered water mite species after Jennifer Lopez, citing its unusually large opisthosoma
Director announced for The Ring 3. Plot expected to revolve around mysterious videotape that no one can watch because no one knows what a VCR is
Casey Kasem's children say their dad's body is missing. Stepmother says she would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids
What if I told you there's gonna be a Mike Tyson cartoon where Mike Tyson solves mysteries, aided by the Mike Tyson Mystery Team: the Ghost of the Marquess of Queensbury, Mike's adopted Korean daughter, and a pigeon who was once a man? No YOU shut up
Have you ever seen something like Rick Perry beating a Central American child before? What the? Is that Rand Paul's music playing? My god King, he's got the steel potato in his hands!
Even though the establishment won the GOP Civil War, don't expect big changes in Tea Party rhetoric. The Tea Party attracts the type of folks who don't accept the loss and aftereffects of Civil Wars
Obama administration decides to not try key Benghazi suspect
Brics combine to create $100bn development bank after Straws and Sticks collapse
Hindu community up in arms over Urban Outfitters duvet cover featuring deity Ganesh
Amazon considers starting a revolutionary "Netflix-like" service to provide books, an innovative concept known to the rest of the world as "going to the library"
Aphrodisiac apples, all four Jesuses recaptured, and Brazilians waxed: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 7/6 - 7/12
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-07-15 1:17:17 PM (5 comments) | Permalink
Cider headline ran away with it this week. Kudos, subby
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-07-06 to Sat 2014-07-12:
Explosive news: Roughly 9/11 emails intercepted by NSA were plain communications, which blows up the idea that...hang on, someone's at my door
Layies n gnmen bfr leavin sbwy cr hv a lk arnd n mk sre yu hv yr bgs, glases, phn's n bbies. This is the Bronx bound #1
British police arrest entire ward of mental hospital. Those taken into custody include three Napoleons, two Queen Victorias and all four Jesuses
Man who killed his whole family at 14 has trouble finding love due to women learning he killed his whole family at 14
Diaper thief's crime described as "like a Woody Allen film." So, shiatty and once you've seen one you've seen them all, basically
Harrier jump jet auction starts July 26. Starting bid is 7,000,000 Pepsi Points
New research shows that apples can boost a woman's sex drive, help men gettin' cider
Police abandon plans to photograph teen's medically induced erection in Virginia sexting case, admit they pulled a boner
Taliban: So, ISIS, we need to talk about this whole "Caliphate" thing. I mean sure we're down with placing the whole world under the rule of the Holy Prophet's word and all, it's just...well.. we really didn't see YOU guys being in charge
Tourist leaves a few tips for Disney employees after getting on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
Amelia Earhart finishes flight around the world. Well, better late than never, I suppose
LeBron says he will be returning to Cleveland. On purpose
Best Korean advances to World Cup final. Most Glorious Exalted Leader Kim Jong-un has already scored 32 goals in the first 2 minutes over the capitalist dogs
Isolated Amazon tribe makes contact with scientists, but say they require a payment of $99 per year if the scientists want prime access
Researchers find gorillas use their BO as a form of communication with others - much the same way IT workers do
How deep does the multiverse go? Finally, I've learned the difference between what's accepted, what's speculative, and what's just math-sturbation
Kanye West compares having his picture taken to rape. Well, both involve a dick
Court rules that FBI can continue to refer to Juggalos as a gang, because "music fans" is clearly not the right term
Ramones original lineup reunites
Cleveland chosen to host Republican National Convention in 2016. And when they fail to win the White House that year, they'll host a prime-time television show to announce that they're taking their convention to Miami
Sarah Palin calls for President Obama's impeachment, citing his dereliction of duty. Irony tag starts to explode, quits halfway through
Ray Nagin, former Mayor of New Orleans, enters the Louisiana Political Hall of Fame: Federal prison
Alcoa foils negative expectations
J.Crew introduces size XXXS which fits someone with a 23 inch waist. Or as most Americans call a 23 inch garment, a sock
Soft drink maker fined .000002% of sales for advertising its product cures cancer, diabetes. They're really sorry but pretty sure you'll like their "Makes you invisible and immune to sharks" campaign
Subaru GMs 660,000 cars, why the Triceratops needed Cialis, and porcupine wheelchairs: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 6/29 - 7/5
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-07-07 6:13:46 PM (3 comments) | Permalink
Happy Monday, everybody!
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-06-29 to Sat 2014-07-05:
Man in Middle East crucified but found alive days later. No, not that guy
It took Triceratops a million years to get its horn. Don't wait that long; ask your doctor about Cialis
Finally, you can put that lipstick away, they have bred a cat that can't jump up on your kitchen counters
KY ruled legal for use in KY
I don't know why people are freaking out. I mean, it's not like he'll hit anything
Three-year-old girl says she saw Jesus after nearly drowning in pool. Jesus too busy appearing on toast to comment
Police searching for suspects who siphoned gas from a gas station. Perhaps they should start looking in 1982
Zoo builds paraplegic porcupine a wheelchair out of PVC pipe and duct tape. Cheap pricks
Motivational speaker's $5 million Connecticut mansion burns to the ground. He will now have to live in a van down by the river
Arizona State University offers female students extra credit for not shaving their armpits for a semester. Presumably for French class
After months of investigations, it only took one small tip in the end to arrest Jerry Sandusky
Former Missouri wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham enrolling at OU for 2015 season and is expected to major in martial arts and hydroponic agriculture
Germany eliminates France. This is not a repeat from 1940, 1915, 1870, 1815...you get the drift
Archeologists find a pair of 4,000-year-old chariots in Georgia, conclude NASCAR older than thought
Happy 10th anniversary, Cassini. You don't look a sol over a third of a Cronian year old
IBM supercomputer proves you don't need taste buds, a mouth, or a soul to create a barbeque sauce recipe, something Kraft has known for decades
Laura Palmer's house is for sale. You may be able to get it on the cheap, because word has it that Bob is a motivated seller
Dave Coulier marries photographer Melissa Bring, who reportedly speaks eloquently and will have his baby
Styx and Foreigner tour buses catch fire. No injuries to band members due to recently installed ramps, chair lifts
Monica Lewinsky says "I was a virgin to humiliation." Well, technically
"Obama mocks Congress on the roads" which is only slightly different from when he mocks them at home, at Camp David, in Hawaii or in the Oval Office
According to Karl Rove, the Founders never imagined a president like Obama. Then again, they were used to letting the Vorta handle the messier aspects of governing
If you really need to call someone, 1-800-COLLECT is still in business. On second thought, it is probably cheaper to just buy an airline ticket to their house
Southwest Airlines begins international flights to Aruba, Jamaica, Bahamas, according to spokespersons Brian Wilson and Mike Love
Subaru GMs 660,000 cars
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