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Fark NotNewsletter: Shiat's on fire, yo
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-10-16 12:40:50 PM, edited 2017-10-16 1:17:25 PM (66 comments) | Permalink

It was another crazy week. While California burned, President Trump dealt with hurricane aftermath by meeting with the president of the U.S. Virgin Islands and working closely with the president of Puerto Rico. Maybe Trump can stop these disasters by using that see-through wall material to build a dome to keep all the bad weather out.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
California - 761
Friday the 13th - 138
First Amendment - 352
Iran - 388
Bacon - 433
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
edmo shared a timely Halloween costume
nitropissering posted totally real before and after photos
rudemix explained why Irish Spring is better than Dove
dyhchong defended a bicyclist who ran over an elderly woman
flucto helped fill out our meat orchestra
alizeran had a costume suggestion for another Farker
Pocket Ninja issued a warning about how dangerous ghosts can be
August11 found the worst thing about a video of a ghost
Barfmaker will either be the least popular or the most popular member of our meat orchestra
Pocket Ninja beat the breastfeeding haters to the punch
 
Smart:
kbronsito felt sympathy for an oppressed Confederate flag flyer
davidphogan saw that an aggressive bicyclist wasn't helping his defense any
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha noticed that some anger over protests during the national anthem seems familiar
Barfmaker explained why basic a-holes are getting more attention lately
TheOmni pointed out where we've heard a defensive argument before
holdmybones disputed magical vegan powers
Mugato argued against veganism
Marbleisheavy described the kind of people who attack someone for peacefully protesting
sigdiamond2000 saw right through Harvey Weinstein's attempt at deflection
ch3no2 issued a warning to anyone who yells "hot pizza!"
 
Bonus: No comments from this thread linking to an article about the opioid addiction epidemic were voted into the NotNewsletter, but it's a really good article and worth reading. Thanks Atomic Jonb for bringing it up. If anyone would like attention called to particularly good articles in future Fark NotNewsletters, please email me to nominate them. I can't possibly read all of the articles that we link to, so this would be a great help to me and a service to your fellow Farkers.
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Smart: valanienna pointed out a truth about Harvey Weinstein's crimes
Smart: Fat Old Broad discussed the reason Pence walked out on a football game
Funny: Chris Ween explained why there haven't been any non-human Star Trek captains
This thread whining about egg nog probably had some of the funniest (and most disturbing) comments, but it didn't get many votes. TotalFarkers generally consider themselves to be too cool to vote for comments even though they complain when they're not recognized in the NotNewsletter. :P
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Coincidences
Smart (tie):
gordian found a puzzling connection with a shop owner
Smart (tie): Kouta had quite a bit in common with the passenger in the adjoining seat
Funny: bighairyguy ran into some internet weirdo at work
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Walker shared a tweet about a Trump Twitter tantrum
King Something showed us what Donald Trump has been playing with
HighlanderRPI expressed shock at Turkey and the U.S. canceling visas
Eddie Adams from Torrance promised, threatened or warned us
Hack Patooey shared what happened when Trump threw paper towels
 
Politics Smart:
jbc caught Mike Pence in a lie
SurfaceTension had a message for Bob Corker regarding his feud with Trump
Grand_Moff_Joseph reacted to Trump cutting off health insurance subsidies
markie_farkie shared an opinion on "Christian values voters"
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers explained why Mike Pence's protest protest was in line with Pence's politics
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
X-Geek showed that Kermit is down to party
ionthrust found out who actually likes Heineken
Alligator discovered that it's gonna be that kind of a party
Tom G demonstrated why they don't hand out bananas on planes
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel made a game to fill a stomach
Herb Utsmelz chose a strange cover model
ionthrust put this boy in a tranquil setting
Yammering_Splat_Vector cooked up the perfect meal for a giraffe
ionthrust created an inter-species valentine
Herb Utsmelz showed us how babby is formed
 
Farktography:
Queen Mab won Farktography Contest No. 649: "That's No Moon 2" with some suspended purple balls
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
 
Saturday, November 11th: NYC Fark Party
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
Last week's Fark headlines were fun as always, thanks to our submitters and our TotalFark voters!  Vote early, vote often!  Check out the top-voted Fark Headlines of the Week here.  Here in the NotNewsletter we highlight some of the extra headlines that didn't make it to the top but we wanted to give a little extra recognition.  
 
We love all our headlines and submissions, but for Headline of the Week they need to stand out and be extra funny, clever, and creative.  The headlines that make you laugh or look at a story sideways and say "*this* is why I come to Fark."  The kind of headline that you can tell your co-worker, spouse, friend, and the person sitting next to you in the bar: "hey, check it out, *this* is Fark." 
 
A lot of our headlines quality for that, but Headline of the week is about the standouts!  Enjoy your Headlines of the Week!
 
MAIN - take a look at Headlines of the Week thread for the top ten - and this week we took the top twelve!  
 
 
SPORTS - room for competition in this tab but quite a few gems this week - check out the top three in Headline of the Week and here are a few extra that almost made it
 
CBS reporter: "Kaepernick says he'll stand for the anthem if he gets to play again." Same CBS reporter a few days later: "We didnt actually talk about that subject"
 
Mittlerweile in Deutschland
 
Well what did you think it meant to be a line coach in Miami?
 
 
GEEK - always funny, always smart, here's a few extra that almost made it to the top three for geek - 
 
No leather goddesses found
 
With a less than 12% zombification side effect, the Ebola vaccine has been hailed a success
 
Sorry, Giant Meteor fans, but you're out of luck this year. However, if you're still around in 2079, we've got some great news for you
 
an awesome understated headline
 
Who needs DARPA when you have bored people with 3D printers?
 
and for a touch of sad and sappy in your geek:
 
Beautiful bird, the Humboldt penguin. Lovely plumage
 
 
ENTERTAINMENT - great headlines this week - our favorite from the top three:  * = €1.4mn  check it out.  
 
"Lost" Scotch whiskies to be revived as soon as they CAN GET BACK TO THE ISLAND
 
Do you want parrots? Because that's how you get parrots
 
 
POLITICS - this tab is always busy - we've been taking the top ten headlines, this week we've taken the top twenty.  Check them out in the Headline of the Week!
 
 
BUSINESS - great competition this week - here are a few of the best runners up!  
 
Why, hello there rapidly rising ATM and overdraft fees. We've missed you
 
List of "careers" that won't exist in 2030 includes travel agent, word processor, and paper boy. List omits apothecary, storm trooper, Easter Bunny
 
After exposure to cosmic rays, EU declares clobbering time on Britain's financial sector
 
 
DISCUSSION - Thanks for all the LIVE submissions this week!  They've been fun!  Sports, TV shows, NASA/spaceflight, and politics, come check them out or submit your own if they're not there yet.  The discussions have been great, and for Headline of the Week the headline has to be funny too.  Multi-sentence / question types get a top three, and the more traditional one-line headlines get three chosen.  Your top three of each are in the Headline of the Week, here's a few more:
 
Tonight, on Supergirl, while Kara focuses on work, Lena makes a bold move into the dairy industry. (CW 8ET) Later, on The Gifted, Caitlyn and Eclipse hunt for a macguffin and Bill Compton faces a difficult choice. (FOX 9ET)
 
Brandy, Bourbon or Rum? Difficulty: Infused fruitcake
 
Red wine hot chocolate. That is all
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Wanna hear a scary story? 👻
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-10-10 12:18:40 PM, edited 2017-10-15 8:19:48 PM (74 comments) | Permalink

Halloween is coming up, and it's time to start scaring the hell out of yourself. We'd like to help. Every year, Fark has a Halloween thread where Farkers share their own spooky stories. These are always fun threads, and a great way to kill some time at work. Here are the first 13 Fark scary story threads - now go creep yourself out.
 
2004    2005    2006    2007    2008    2009    2010    2011    2012    2013    2014    2015    2016
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Las Vegas - 996
Tom Petty - 529
Ralphie May - 35
Columbus - 235
Moron - 1897
Harvey Weinstein - 173
Bacon - 401
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
gopher321 had something to say to a guy who worried that a threesome made him gay
bighairyguy figured out what it meant when ISIS claimed responsibility for the Las Vegas shooting
ecmoRandomNumbers noticed an appropriate user name
Mercutio879 pointed out something else that ISIS is reponsible for
jaytkay urged restraint when news broke about the Las Vegas shooter
phalamir had the solution for a "sovereign citizen" claiming to be an agricultural product
Snarfangel showed how someone might enter a gun store 50,000 times in a day
Gordon Bennett knew how a woman received 20,000 oxycodone pills instead of the yoga mat she ordered
rzrwiresunrise suggested what a guy claiming to be an agricultural product might actually be
FatherChaos reacted to the shooting in Las Vegas
 
Smart:
swaniefrmreddeer gave a reason for not being surprised that the shooter was an old white man
WhoIsWillo reacted to Tom Petty's heart attack on the heels of the Las Vegas shooting
snocone had a suggestion for preventing mass shootings
whidbey thought something else is behind the mass shootings
Diogenes explained people spreading lies about the Las Vegas shooting
DjangoStonereaver described sovereign citizens
Kyoowashugi gave more context to part of an interview with the shooter's brother
meatofmystery pointed out why more gun control is unlikely to happen
Ghastly explained why you're not going to overthrow a tyrannical U.S. government with your guns
BizarreMan reacted to an article about elderly people losing their rights (you should read this article)
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Wedding shenanigans
Smart & Funny:
Dodger shared a story about a truly shiatty wedding
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
kbronsito shared the thoughts of the hurricane survivors Trump was throwing paper towels to
xraygun shared a song for Donald Trump
Carter Pewterschmidt explained how hard it is to keep safe
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to a Trump tweet about Kim Jong Un and Rex Tillerson
sigdiamond2000 recalled one of the terrible things that Obama did while in office
 
Politics Smart:
markie_farkie warned Congress to act before it's too late
Dusk-You-n-Me explained how Trump can get the "equal time" he's complaining about
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers noticed Trump demonstrating his leadership abilities
fusillade762 described someone's change of heart regarding gun control
markie_farkie thought some American priorities are mixed up
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Herb Utsmelz discovered what really caused a lenticular cloud to form
RedZoneTuba updated two classic cereals for 2017
Don_cos made a much more useful keyboard
Surly U. Jest made some tasty bird treats
RedZoneTuba used a distraught person from the Kent State massacre in a Photoshop
Surly U. Jest created a cereal for Trekkies
Alligator showed us why dogs chase cats
X-Geek found an Animal making noise on top of the house
ionthrust should put this bird in the freezer
Thrakkorzog revealed what the late bird gets instead of worms
 
Farktography:
Linguine won Farktography Contest No. 648: "Software Hootenanny 7" with a colorful storm
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy
 
We had a tough one this week, with no one cracking the 1000 mark. In first place is meadbh with 948 points, followed by Teaser with 931 and rick42 with 930. Lorenzo Von Matterhorn makes 4th with 914, and in 5th it's wildcardjack with 878.
 
The toughest question on this week's Hard Quiz was over the memorial at this year's DerbyCon. Only 17% of quiztakers realized just how weird computer nerds can be when left alone without adult supervision. Poor Trevor was indeed a cockroach that one attendee had found drowned in high fructose corn syrup, dairy substitute, and imitation vanilla flavoring at a nearby restaurant. (And they say that those things will survive the Apocalypse when they can't even survive a milkshake. I don't believe it.) Anyway, look for a reference to this in comment lines of the source code of an obscure subroutine relating to firewall exceptions in a forthcoming Ubuntu build.
 
The easiest question on this week's Hard Quiz was on what urban archeologists had discovered near the Paul Revere House in Boston. 76% of quiztakers knew that the archeologists were poking around in what used to be Paul Revere's Crescent Moon Room. Imagine hanging out with all the riders that night, waiting on the lantern signal, and someone randomly approaching the silversmith of all people and saying, "You are going to be so famous from this that over 240 years from now people will be waiting in line to poke through your poop." I think that had that happened, Revere would have likely excused himself and went to dig another latrine. A very, very, VERY deep latrine.
 
One final note about the Hard Quiz: I received a couple of requests for stats on the question about the recent auction of a personal item belonging to Adolf Hitler. 49% of quiztakers thought it was his shaving kit, while only 47% knew it was Der Fuhrer's Fleisch-und-ein-Gemüse-Behälter. I really don't want to know what the buyer intends to do with it. I mean, it's almost less weird if this person is some kind of weird fetishist who would wear it around the house or to an Austrian key party than it would be if he/she intended to frame it and hang it on the wall or something. I mean, real conversation starter there. 
 
In the Easy Quiz department, our hardest question on the Easy Quiz this week was on the new religion founded by a Silicon Valley engineer. Only 42% of quiztakers knew that the former Google engineer accused of taking self-driving car trade secrets with him to Uber decided to call his new religion "Way of the Future." He, for one, welcomes our new Artificial Intelligence Overlords. Either that or Skynet has sent him back in time to wage a propaganda campaign against the inferior biological lifeforms.
 
This week's Easy Quiz's easiest question was over which vacuum cleaner manufacturer plans to introduce their own brand of electric cars in the near future. 91% of quiztakers knew that it was Dyson, the "ball-vac" people. Let's just hope this new car doesn't su-- You know, that joke is lame. Hmmm... how about "Let's hope this car doesn't sit around collecting dust."
 
If you missed the quiz last week, you can take it right here
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
Thanks as always to our submitters and to our TotalFark voters!  Your Fark Headlines of the Week are here.  
 
As always, this week there were tons of funny, creative, and great sideways takes on the articles.  Headlines that you could tell your friend, co-worker, bartender, and have the joke stand out as "hey, this is Fark!"  Here in the Fark NotNewsletter we highlight the headlines that don't quite make it to the top, but we'd still like to give a little extra recognition.  Enjoy!  
 
MAIN - so many great headlines in Main this week that I took the top 15.  Even expanding it, there are a lot more that deserve extra recognition for the funny.  Here are a few more - 
 
We expect too much from our romantic partners, the bar is just too damn high. You want in your mate a combination of: sanity + wealth + kindness + attractiveness + personal growth + not being a dumbass on social media, that isn't humanly possible
 
 
This story has it all. Crash through the gate and a pole at the airport. Flee. Lay down in someone's yard, only in your underwear because a snake has crawled up your pants. While traveling from Mississippi to Louisiana to see a voodoo doctor
 
Man carrying a .357-caliber Magnum, a loaded .45-caliber semi-automatic, a .223-caliber fully automatic assault rifle, a .308-caliber fully automatic assault rifle, more than 900 rounds of ammunition, and survival equipment pulled over for speeding
 
ALIENS ARE COMING TO FILL OUR BODIES WITH ALCOHOL...bring on the invasion
 
Criminal mastermind riding stolen motorcycle with revoked license notices the cops have his roommate pulled over in another stolen car, figures he may as well stop to ask what's going on
 
 
SPORTS - this tab is getting funnier - do yourself a favor and check it out.  
 
You can never have enough Rice at a wedding
 
When you don't pay attention to the speed bumps, the speed bumps take you down. Iowa State beats #3 OU for the second time in a half century
 
How much can watching hockey stress your heart? Here's a damn fine pie chart, because wimpy-ass cake is for tennis and such
 
Earlier: Seahawks starting RB does not have a broken leg. Now: .... in the first place we x-rayed
 
 
GEEK - thanks for all the great links and funny headlines!  Here are some of the best that still got beat by the top three.  Submitter, thanks for the awesome call-out to an old school Farkism. 
 
We just blame the guy named Jeff
 
Plate tectonics is 50 years old. Submitter is 50 years old. Therefore, submitter is one of the great scientific discoveries of the 20th Century
 
If things seem weird right now, it's because a gravitational wave that warps space-time, caused by the collision of two black holes, has reached Earth
 
Two years ago, one cosmologist wrote 'string theory is not a scientific theory'. Now, a string theorist who saw it writes back 'inflationary cosmology is not science'. Time to watch the fireworks
 
 
ENTERTAINMENT - more funny headlines here, thanks submitters!  Here are a few extras!
 
These are not the droids for which thou search'st, writes the author combining Star Wars and Shakespeare
 
Starship Troopers: the 90s sci-fi action comedy that continues to reflect our political past, present and future. Would you like to know more?
 
The second half of The Tick's first season is coming in February. SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
 
 
POLITICS - lots of funny headlines in this tab again, keep them coming!  Politics is hard enough, thanks to our submitters for making us laugh a little along the way.  There are so many submissions in this tab lately that we're taking the top ten funniest, and there are still more that are great but don't quite make the cut, here's one more that almost made it to the top ten!  
 
Trump: "I'm the first American president to visit Puerto Rico." Narrator: But, he wasn't
 
 
BUSINESS - great to see more funny headlines in this tab!  Here's a great one that almost made the top three - 
 
Advertising agency regulator NAD advises T-Mobile to stop claiming it has a faster network than Verizon because there's no data to support that
 
 
DISCUSSION - last week this tab had tons of funny, this week, tons of good discussions but funny headlines were rare.  Tons of room for competition and creativity here!  Two styles of headlines have developed in this tab, the longer, multi-sentence style, and the more traditional short headline.  Try for both! 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: We've not received bribes from Adidas
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-10-02 3:11:33 PM, edited 2017-10-02 3:28:06 PM (73 comments) | Permalink

The silly intro I had planned no longer seems appropriate, and I have no words of wisdom to offer about last night's shooting in Las Vegas. I will say, though, that no matter what's going on - whether it's a tragedy that's all over the news or just something in my own life - you guys make me laugh every single day. Thanks for that.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
NCAA - 168
Adidas - 87
Hugh Hefner - 110
Tom Price - 48
Bacon- 500
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
kbronsito had some comforting words for an upset mother
thisispete said goodbye to a legend
MrPoopyPants shared a conversation that Martin Shkreli might have in prison
Professor Farksworth posted a smug Keith Richards
naughtyrev noticed that a WWE star has something in common with someone else
mama2tnt shared posts from a man missing his lost love
RodneyToady found Anthony Weiner's inspiration
Dimensio takes precautions against gun violence
blorpen found one of the rare times that a common guess turns out to be true
OtherLittleGuy found someone who's happy that Hugh Hefner is gone
 
Smart:
Grand_Moff_Joseph found that Trump has accepted a challenge
holdmybones had a solution for a woman who didn't want her kid to be mocked
Weaver95 thought that Trump wasted a chance to change how people see him
Prey4reign noticed that some character flaws run in the family
HawgWild isn't a fan of the "American Sniper" guy
nmrsnr spotted some evidence of bad parenting
Markoff_Cheney explained Trump's strategy for helping Puerto Rico
AdmirableSnackbar pointed out that children aren't so bad
Flappyhead read between the lines
Weaver95 explained what it's like to be poor in America
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Smart: Huck Chaser gave some advice to a contrite Farker
Smart: Satan's Chocolate Starfish had a solution for arguments about that national anthem at sporting events
Funny: Adjective Bird Whiskey gave examples of messages to leave for a lady friend
Smart & Funny: meg12279 was very specific about what kind of WIE is acceptable
Funny: Large Marge sent me shared some movie star trivia
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Volunteering your skills
Smart:
Orion5k officiated a ceremony after after the couple's minister backed out
Funny: rohar broke up a brawl at a hockey game
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
North_Central_Positronics shared a review of the steak at a Trump Hotel
Paris1127 came up with a tagline for Tom Price's resignation
What the hell was that reacted to Tom Price's departure
scottydoesntknow shared a tweet about food at a Trump Hotel
RJReves taught us about Trump's anatomy
 
Politics Smart:
RJReves taught us about Trump's anatomy
BizarreMan read the comments in an article about kneeling during the national anthem
blastoh listed some of Trump's troubling behavior
meatofmystery hoped Price would still be held responsible for the money he spent
freddyV showed that maybe the real complaint is that people are protesting at all
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ionthrust took us on a fail flight
X-Geek showed a daring backflipper
WaitForIt found a World War I flying ace
X-Geek created what could be a great "loading" animation
ionthrust developed an awesome new app for cat lovers
StainedGlassRuby proved that Darth Vader can laugh at himself
Alligator found some early drone technology
Circusdog320 showed us what happens when Disney has no shame
manyone yanked the football away
Iggie created a new feminine hygiene product
 
Farktography:
Warthog won Farktography Contest No. 647: "Don't Burn Bridges" with a photo of White Pass Railway, Yukon Territory
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
Check out the top voted Fark Headlines of the Week here!  And read on for more great headlines that *almost* made it to the top!  Main and Politics consistently have the most content and the most competition - for true bragging rights submit your best headlines here!  Geek is also consistently great - though it had a little extra room for competition this week.  Business, Sports, Entertainment and Discussion always have a lot of gems, but also have room for competition.   We love all our submissions and submitters!  To make it to Headlines of the Week we're looking for funny, creative, and unique headlines - something that you can tell your friend, co-worker, bar buddy - "Hey, this is Fark!" Thanks to our submitters and thanks to our TotalFark voters!     
 
MAIN - so many great headlines in Main this week!  Check out Fark Headlines of the Week for the top voted! Here are more that almost made the cut - make sure to vote so *your* favorites make it to the top ten! 
 
Southwest Airlines saves the life of ungrateful woman with life-threatening pet allergies 
 
Local newspaper publishes irrefutable evidence of existence of imprisoned aliens and weird green men at Wright-Patterson AFB, home of Project Blue Book. I call bullshiat: everyone knows there's no such thing as a "newspaper"
 
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm he had some methane-producing animals contributing a lot more to global warming than we initially estimated, E-I-E-I-OMG
 
To the people of Sichuan, China, worry not about the 78 crocodiles that escaped from a Sichuan farm, worry about the 5 still on the loose  
 
Baby found with $5,500 and cell phone in Oklahoma. Baby refuses to answer questions, tries to grab officer's nose 
 
World's largest uncut diamond sells for 6 Rhode Islands 
 
Tombstones found on power plant property, meaning subby's Walking Dead/Godzilla fan fic mashup is one step closer to reality 
 
Snake handler death declared a "mystery" despite snake being found near body, snake-shaped bruises on the neck, snake confession note
 
Intel unveils neuromorphic AI chip that mimics the human brain. It's out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. All for $279  
 
SPORTS - this tab is getting better and better and still has room for competition!  Here are a few more that almost made the top three!
 
Oh look, what a surprise. The known super liberal magazine National Review comes out in favor of the kneeling NFL players 
 
NFL Fans speak out about the protests. Can be best summarized as "keep politics in the politics tab" 
 
Here's how it took the FBI three years to break the last bit of integrity the NCAA still had 
 
EA manages to fix Madden AI for formation run by such real teams as the Cleveland Browns, inadvertently demonstrating how to protect ourselves from a hostile AI 
 
TFA promises the "most embarrassing first half of Joe Paterno's career" and totally misses the point  
 
GEEK - always fun to read the Geek tab, but there was room for a little more competition this week!  Still great stuff in the top voted, and a couple more funny ones that almost made the cut! 
 
Scientists using AI to identify irony in speech get the definition of irony wrong. Well isn't that sarcastic, don't you think?
 
Dear Adobe, it's only Pretty Good Privacy as long as you refrain from posting the private key to the company blog 
 
ENTERTAINMENT - more competition in the entertainment tab this week!  Keep em coming!  Check out Fark Headlines of the Week to see the three that made the list, and here are three more that came close! 
 
Star Trek: Discovery reviews are trickling in, and are overwhelmingly positive. Angry Trekkies vow to still complain 
 
Amazon is going to Ringworld. Unable to guarantee free two-day shipping in event of Man-Kzin war 
 
General Hospital veteran Anna Jeffreys dead at 94. Or at least we think so, although we've heard that her long-lost identical twin cousin from the forgotten second husband of her mother who disappeared at sea may actually be the one who died 
 
POLITICS - so many great and funny headlines this week!  Keep up the great work submitters! One favorite out of the top voted - 
 
U.S. Chamber of Commerce wants to prevent consumers from suing companies ... and has filed a lawsuit to outlaw lawsuits. We're not just through the looking glass here, folks, we're moving into entirely new alternate dimensions 
 
... and a few more that almost made the list! 
 
John Kelly: I am sick of these motherf*cking tweets from this motherf*cking White House. Trump: *tweets* "Whoa, we got a badass over here." Kelly: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ 
 
I started to ask why anyone should be allowed to publish false information for the express purpose of angering their audience... but Stranahan cut me off. "Hey, I'm walking into the White House right now" 
 
White House capping refugees at 45 thousand next year because that's more than enough to accommodate those fleeing northern Europe 
 
Boeing: "We propose a 80% tariff on our competitors' jets." US gov't: "100%." Boeing: "But we only wanted-" US gov't: "150%." Boeing: "Uhh..." US gov't: "Alright, 219% you animals" 
 
BUSINESS - Lots of funny this week, and still lots of room for competition!  Here are two that almost made the list!  
 
Legal Weed May Be a Windfall for McDonald's and Taco Bell" The Obvious Tag just exhales a long steady stream of highly pungent smoke, and nods sagely It appears that the whole robot overlord thing is gonna start with 2017 kids' toys 
 
DISCUSSION - Great job with more funny headlines for this tab this week, still room for competition!  Two favorites of the 6 that made the HotW list -  
 
I think that in light of Twitter revealing that their 240 character limit is arbitrary that we on Fark should consider why we are limited to only 250. Do the owners and maintainers of this website believe that we can or shouldn't express our selves m Here are ten almost-extinct words we need to start using right away. Subby hopes he didn't embrangle you about that snollygoster 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Drew announces a new book with Adam Savage 🤖
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-09-25 11:55:00 AM (204 comments) | Permalink

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________
 
Hey everyone!  I'm really excited because today I can finally announce a project I've been working on for several months now.  Tl;dr: it's a new book called "Don't Give Guns to Robots" that I'm writing with my good friend Adam Savage!
 
In December 2015, I'd just finished a huge project that took a lot of time and energy.  Meanwhile, so had Adam.  I happened to be at his house, and we were having the same kinds of discussions we always do about implications of near-term technologies.  It was then we realized there might be a book idea here.  
 
Since my political run, our conversation had shifted to what simple policy decisions could sidestep disaster.  We realized that the types of disruptions brought by technologies had happened before.  For example, Universal Living Wage is being kicked around as an idea for how to handle vast numbers of people whose jobs might be replaced by rapid automation.  Turns out social programs to handle technological upheaval have happened before.  For example, in the 19th century, Universal Childhood Education sprung into being to try to mitigate the loss of manual labor jobs on farms due to early industrialization.
 
The book is a not just a primer on what disruptions are about to hit, but also on how societies have handled these kinds of disruptions in the past, and what we could do easily, right now, to help make these near-term technology transitions cause the least harm.
 
The problem is, we never seem to make these decisions in advance.  We always make them after the damage has been done.  Hence the title "Don't Give Guns To Robots" - because we already did.  But it's not too late to change our minds.      
 
At any rate, here's Amazon's summary of the book:
 
"Adam Savage, Mythbuster and editor-in-chief of Tested.com, and pioneering tech disrupter Drew Curtis explore what happens after the next tidal wave of innovations changes the world as we know it; what are the big surprises, threats, and challenges, and how can we make flying cars a reality instead of robot overlords?
 
In Don't Give Guns to Robots, Adam Savage and Drew Curtis use seven of the biggest imminent technological changes that our society will face over the next twenty to thirty years--from driverless cars to asteroid mining to immortality to organic computers that can cure cancer from inside our bodies--as a jumping off place to discuss what our near and not-so-distant future may look like. They delve into all the possible paths the future may take--some good, some bad, and some that sound like the plot of a really wild sci-fi novel, helping us prepare for the massive changes that will affect our lives.
 
What is going to happen in the near future? What should we fear and what can we stop worrying about? How can we prepare for it? And most importantly, what can and should be done right this instant to mitigate unintended consequences?
 
Weaving together interviews from the most innovative and brilliant thought leaders of our generation including Elon Musk, Stewart Brand, Peter Diamandis, Astro Teller, Bill Gates, and Neal Stephenson, Don't Give Guns to Robots explores many of the possible unanticipated repercussions of technological innovations and is an illuminating, entertaining, and illustrated guide for preparing ourselves for tomorrow."
 
The book is available for pre-order now, definitely pull the trigger if you think you might like it.  Unless you're a robot that is. 
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Rocket Man - 250
Dotard - 248
Puerto Rico - 339
NFL - 2131
Kneel - 583
Bacon - 336
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
skyotter noticed how the word "Nazi" gets thrown around these days
darthaegis made a dad joke
enry described what actors do when they pretend to be shot in a bulletproof vest
enry shared a prediction about the future of country music
ralphjr warned us about the soap dispensers at the Detroit airport
naughtyrev explained what the problem really was with a teacher's outfit
scottydoesntknow described the current relationship between the U.S. and North Korea
Abe Vigoda's Ghost showed us how a model's sexy photo was altered
Gaddiel cleared up some confusion about Star Trek
Tanqueray shared some helpful signs
 
Smart:
lordjupiter noticed very different standards for evidence of guilt
phalamir argued that it's okay to punch a Nazi
FormlessOne had a tip for people visiting Seattle
rudemix thought you don't have to hate a Nazi to punch one
thegreatmurgatroid reacted to a few Farkers saying not to risk your life for someone else's money
nijika was in favor of punching Nazis
ginandbacon wasn't upset about someone punching a Nazi
Man On A Mission named the best singer of all time
dv-ous thought that overall, a guy was lucky to just be kicked out of Harvard
DammitIForgotMyLogin explained "vulture capitalism"
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Funny: reagabeast posted a couple of dad jokes
Funny: Literally Addicted shared a joke about murder
Funny: reagabeast had a dad joke to make while driving
Smart: sarahthustra blamed insects for voting "smart" on their own posts
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Always look for the helpers
This was a fairly serious topic, so it didn't get many "funny" stories, but it did get a lot of great smart ones, which are great reading. Be ready to cry when you read through them.
Smart: Praise Cheesus' grandparents were really amazing people
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
hobnail was surprised that Betsy DeVos uses her personal jet to travel for work
kanesays provided proof that Obama surveilled Trump
Kuoxasar sang about Donald Trump's threats against "Rocket Man"
The Goddamn Batman let us know what John Kelly and Melania Trump were communicating
WI241TH read something slightly different in their expressions
 
Politics Smart:
Ivo Shandor shared a tweet about peaceful protesting
PreMortem pointed out that Paul Manfort and Donald Trump are not the same person
JerseyTim reacted to a headline that condemned millennials
Rapmaster2000 asked a question about requiring people to have insurance
whidbey disagreed with John McCain's claim about the Affordable Care Act
 
 
Contest Votes
 
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Iggie shared some helpful advice on being a good neighbor
RedZoneTuba called in The Hairstyle Police
Alligator found someone who'd rather be doing something else
Yammering_Splat_Vector took these women to get some help
Circusdog320 called scientists out on their bullying
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel asked doctors to take some responsibility
verchad must've used watercolors
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel had some advice for wealthy people
RedZoneTuba wanted to get some sleep
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed proof of a government experiment
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 646: "Eclipses" ended in a tie between orionid's "The Big, Blue, Burning, Butthole in the Sky" and Queen Mab's tilted halo
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats  
 
Saturday, September 30th: Houston Fark Party
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
Your top-voted Headlines of the Week are here!  Thanks to TotalFarkers for voting and thanks as always to our fantastic submitters.  Fark loves all kinds of headlines, but to be truly Fark-worthy and Headline of the Week, we're looking for funny, creative, and unique twists.  Something you can tell your friends, family, co-workers, that 'hey, this is the story and this headline is what makes it Fark'.  Here are Fark's Headlines of the Week.     
 
Top-voted funny headlines make it to Headline of the Week, but we always have more each week that make us laugh or have a take on the story that is awesome and unique but doesn't always get the votes - News: Maria destroys Caribbean islands, strips them of vegetation. CNN: "US mainland not out of the woods yet" is one of the best this week that stands out.  So go read the top-voted Headlines of the Week posted here, and stick around for the Fark NotNewsletter highlighting extra headlines that deserve recognition.      
 
MAIN - great job submitters this week and TotalFarkers, great job voting!  There were so many top voted that I just took all nineteen, take a look in Headlines of the Week.  Even with all the great headlines and great voting, there are still more that deserve extra recognition - here are just a few!  
 
WA father claims that he accidentally shot his son repeatedly with flaming balls from a "fireworks gun" in a "safety lesson" that went accidentally awry. His 6-year-old son tells a different, more believable, and frankly better-constructed story     
 
With typical British understatement, UK police say the mysterious object that forced the closure of a major highway today was a trash bag full of "possibly hydrochloric acid" and they are "keeping an open mind as to how the object was left there"   
 
Good: Powerball winner says money won't change his heart. Bad: Pedophile  
 
Alexa, send me all the crackers     
 
News: Maria destroys Caribbean islands, strips them of vegetation. CNN: "US mainland not out of the woods yet"  
 
Mother and son hide in bedroom and call cops as half naked burglar breaks into their Oklahoma home. "No, we don't know where his clothes are. We've been locked in this room"    
 
SPORTS - a few gems, but lots of room for competition.  The top three are in the Headlines of the Week, and here is one more fun headline from Sports.     
 
There is one solution to the sorry state of NFL football: Legalize Holding. Hey, no one said it was a GOOD solution   
 
GEEK - this tab is consistently one of the best, both for great headlines and for the stories.  Our submitters find fantastic stories we're just not seeing anywhere else on social media.  Do yourself a favor and come hang out on the Geek tab.  Top vote-getters in Headlines of the Week, here are a couple more that deserve a second laugh.   
 
All staff safe and sound at Arecibo telescope but antenna badly damaged. Fortunately we still have 25,000 years to tell the backup to turn the starship around   
 
Security researchers discover that hackers breached the popular system cleaning app CCleaner and used it to secretly install malware on users' computers. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish transferring all my vital data onto clay tablets    
 
ENTERTAINMENT - we had some great headlines this week, the top vote-getters are in Headlines of the Week, here are a couple more that almost made it.  Still room for competition!     
 
Shania Twain opens up about her fight with Lyme disease and her husband cheating on her while she fought the disease. On the plus side, she has a new country song     
 
POLITICS - we had so many great submissions this week that we're back to taking the top ten for this tab.  Here are a few more great headlines that almost made it -    
 
Pruitt's EPA: I agree with my mining CEO buddy over here: these farking salmon have had it too easy for too long   
 
The White House's senior nuclear weapons expert is A) a Dr. Strangelove caricature; B) a former oil executive; or C) an ordained Zen Buddhist chaplain? Oh, that's actually somewhat comforting   
 
Robert Mueller hopes to make Sean Spicer's notebooks the #1 bestseller on Amazon this fall   
 
British terror level lowered to, "I say, old chap"   
 
China to Trump: yourenothelping.gif    
 
BUSINESS - a few gems this week - check out Headlines of the Week for the top vote-getters.  Still room for competition!  Here is one of the headlines that almost made it to the top.     
 
Uber driver helps Lyft driver escape from overturned SUV. This is the only positive Uber news you've heard in months so savor it   
 
DISCUSSION   We've had tons more submissions to the Discussion tab, and two top vote-getters that have the multi-sentence style, and two that are the more traditional headline.  Still lots of room for competition!  The discussions are fun (my personal favorite was about where you got your username) but for Headline of the Week it has to be funny.  The extra challenge of this tab is to get both.  Good luck! 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Changes afoot for online advertising
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-09-18 12:57:45 PM (96 comments) | Permalink

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:   
 
Hey, everyone!  Wanted to hit everyone up about some inside baseball stuff - the tl;dr version is now would be a fantastic time to sign up for either BareFark or TotalFark!
 
Things are about to get weird in the ad world.  Chrome is about to start blocking autoplay videos - which we're 100% behind, we specifically don't allow those yet somehow they seem to slip through anyhow, perhaps which is why Chrome is about to start blocking them.  Safari is about to start blocking third party cookies, something we also support but the ad industry is freaking out about. 
 
Neither of these things seem like that big a deal to me long term but - here's the important part - we don't know what impact all this will have on revenues going forward.   
 
So!  Now would be a great time to sign up for either BareFark or TotalFark!  You can also sign up friends as well!  And if you do I owe you a huge debt of gratitude - without our subscribers Fark wouldn't even exist! 
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________ 
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Emmy - 105
ESPN - 403
Jemele Hill - 73
Boobs - 373
Bacon - 397
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
fusillade762 found a school that sucks more than Duke
ox45tallboy described how Martin Shkreli will affect jail
OdradekRex tried to look on the bright side of a horrible situation
gilgigamesh summed up a woman's claim that she didn't mean to shoot someone
real_headhoncho knew who else allied with Hitler
ralphjr shared where Hitler hid out after faking his death
cranked explained why a woman had to defend herself against a homeless man
Farking Clown Shoes measures fries in number rather than mass
Boo_Guy posted an update on the studman69 image
Boo_Guy helpfully showed the bear that 40 percent of adults sleep with
 
Smart:
Bloody William discussed differences between how black and white children are treated by police
gilgigamesh wondered if a black teen would have been described as a "young child"
TommyDeuce thought a teen who was kicked out of class had a legal case
scottydoesntknow noticed strange behavior for someone frightened for her life
real_headhoncho knew who else allied with Hitler
gilgigamesh summed up a woman's claim that she didn't mean to shoot someone
Relatively Obscure disagreed with another Farker's statement
Weaver95 pointed out what might make a person worry about certain things
Farking Clown Shoes measures fries in number rather than mass
Pocket Ninja really likes social media
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Funny: Al_Ed wrote a song celebrating the loss of another TotalFarker's virginity
Smart: Prevailing Wind discussed the idea of a holiday for 9/11
Funny: sarahthustra explained why Chinese food isn't sold as gourmet food in the U.S.
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Your classic TV
Smart:
For the Praise Cheesus family, "The Lawrence Welk Show" was a way of life
Smart: Tom_Slick and family all got together for popcorn and "The Wonderful World of Disney"
Funny: HighlanderRPI showed us some of the sexy stuff people used to fap to
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
mod_reright shared a reaction to Ted Cruz liking a questionable tweet
uncleacid considered what might have been in Osama Bin Laden's stash
naughtyrev heard some rumors about Alex Jones
Marcus Aurelius figured out what an NPR headline was hinting at (it's since been fixed)
iron de havilland reacted to wise words from President Trump
 
Politics Smart:
FlashHarry revealed Trump's decision making process
scottydoesntknow thought we'd already agreed about Nazis
Dusk-You-n-Me decided which 9/11 monuments liberals will want to get rid of
FormlessOne discussed Trump's reasons for working with Democrats
Benevolent Misanthrope described how Trump would handle Congress condemning Nazis
 
 
Contest Votes
 
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
FarkingIceHole made breakfast for the alt-right
Herb Utsmelz showed that you shouldn't just choose the lowest price sometimes
ionthrust advertised an exciting new Broadway play
retrophil found a cereal for the little rascal in your life
Circusdog320 showed some guys on a bad career path
maxandgrinch created a line of Big Lebowski-themed cereals
Iggie moved on up to a nutritious breakfast
verchad took product placement too far
RedZoneTuba scavenged a delicious breakfast
WaitForIt showed us a record that will never be broken
 
Farktography:
orionid won Farktography Contest No. 645: "In Memoriam: Night Skies, Landscapes, & Abandoned Places" with Eta Aquarids over Acadia. This contest was in memory of soosh, who was part of the Farktography community from almost the very beginning.
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats  
 
Saturday, September 30th: Houston Fark Party
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
Thanks to all our submitters, and thanks to all who voted for Headline of the Week!  Go to Fark's Headlines of the Week to see the top voted, and read here in the Fark NotNewsletter for more great headlines! 
 
MAIN - the top ten voted were awesome - and there were so many others that it was really hard to choose which others to highlight here in the NotNewsletter.  Here are just a few!   
 
So they held a beer festival at a zoo and the bobcat got loose and it wasn't even a Fark party 
 
Members of 'uncontacted' tribe reportedly murdered by gold miners in Amazon. On the bright side, at least their remains are eligible for free next-day shipping 
 
"Another bear sighting in SE Iowa: Can Goldilocks be far behind?", asks TV station not familiar with the chronological order of the story 
 
Ever wonder why you won't find a 7- Eleven store in Alabama? Here's the reason anyway 
 
Look, we get it, Florida. You have nothing else to show us, right? Oh, wait, here are two guys who tried to steal a power pole 
 
SPORTS - this tab had a lot of funny headlines this week!  Good job submitters!! Here are a few more that didn't make the top voted - 
 
Packers to Seahawks: Our twelfth man is the refs 
 
Not news: Pulling over to avoid an ambulance. News: Ambulance pulling over to avoid an accident. Fark: ...on a NASCAR track. UltraFark: ...and failing 
 
Hurricanes are attacking, wild fires are burning, and the Buffalo Bills are leading the AFC East 
 
GEEK - is consistently amazing.  I grabbed the top ten again the week for HotW - and here are a few more 
 
Bacteria on ISS change shape to survive antibiotics. Does this make anyone else nervous? 
 
Saturn Cassini probe's last words: LEROOOOOY JENKINS 
 
Phrenology is back in vogue. This article has the brainpan of a stage coach tilter 
 
ENTERTAINMENT - this tab was fantastic this week - so great that I grabbed the top ten instead of just the top three for HotW - and here are a couple more great ones
 
"Corinne's affair with a Jesuit priest, her subsequent pregnancy as a result, and later exorcism, are all unacceptable." Confused? You won't be after reading this link about Soap 
 
Kristen Bell cheers up kids in an Irma shelter with Frozen songs. How about Riders on the Storm by the Doors? Or Hurricane by Bob Dylan? 
 
POLITICS - the politics tab has just gotten better and better recently!  Keep 'em coming!  Here are a few that didn't make the top ten but are still great!  
 
Trump: "We're fairly close on a DACA deal" as Trump walks back the walk back of the previous walk back. Even Michael Jackson did less moonwalking
 
Sadly SandersCare is nothing but cheap politics and magic math with unicorns dancing on top of the fluffy cake 
 
Headline you should never read while eating: "Ted Cruz Defends Dildos on CNN". THIS is why you put your phone away at the table (Not safe for work) 
 
BUSINESS - take a look at Fark's Headlines of the Week for the top three, there was room for more competition this week!
 
DISCUSSION - for the past few weeks I've been grabbing the top funniest multi-sentence headlines and the top short, more traditional headlines - this week there were just a handful of funny ones.  There were three top voted of each type this week - check out Fark's Headlines of the Week to see them.  If you want greenlights and HotW candidates, the Discussion tab has room for competition! 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Equifax and the big mean hackers
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-09-11 12:27:29 PM (61 comments) | Permalink

Last week, we discovered that one of the major credit bureaus is about as good at keeping your information - which you never gave them permission to possess in the first place -  as secure as The Club keeps your car. So they set up a pretty exciting website where you get to plug in some of your information and, depending on secret factors such as the alignment of the stars, the direction the wind is blowing, the rotating TOS of the complimentary credit monitoring service, what color underwear you're wearing, and the last thing you ate, it tells you whether or not your information was compromised. Play again and again for different answers. It's fun for the entire family!
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Irma - 2189
Jose - 364
Evacuate - 942
Equifax - 371
Bacon - 356
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
RJReves showed What Hurrican Irma really had planned for Florida
Pocket Ninja knew one way in which Trump was sure to help Floridians
Magruda shared a surprising illustration of the hurricane
naughtyrev shared some feelings about FEMA's attentions
jayhawk88 noticed the great plan for a guy who hates Chicago
Ivo Shandor shared an alarming note on a restaurant receipt
TomFooolery pointed out that a great pizza is available outside of Chicago
Mad Scientist shared a comparison of the different hurricane strengths
berylman posted a helpful "before" photo of a Florida landmark
nekom knew that the Equifax problem would lead to a satisfactory resolution
 
Smart:
nekom knew that the Equifax problem would lead to a satisfactory resolution
Miss5280 explained how an 11-year-old girl defeated an InfoWars reporter
nekom pointed out why Hurricane Harvey by itself didn't prove climate change
fragMasterFlash asked Hurricane Irma for a favor
Louisiana_Sitar_Club thought a douchebag told a lie that made him look like an even bigger douchebag
GooberMcFly explained a dad's way of punishing a babysitter when he caught her sleeping
holdmybones was impressed by a level of douchiness
BizarreMan had words of comfort for churches that aren't eligible for FEMA funds
TuteTibiImperes weighed in on fashion for pregnant women
AppleOptionEsc was not impressed by an article criticizing the Red Cross
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Smart: skybreaker posted perhaps the most truthful comment of the week
Funny: Roman Fyseek advised a submitter about what to do when interrupted during sexytimes
Funny: 433 ruined a band name by changing a single letter (lots of good stuff in this thread)
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Summer's end
Smart:
 vudukungfu shared a romantic story
Funny: L.D. Ablotold a story about a mysterious bag
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
soporific accused Trump of some unforgivable actions
duppy shared a tweet arguing in favor of deportations
scottydoesntknow explained why DACA can't be phased out
jbc explained what will happen to Trump when Russia burns him
Snapper Carr showed how Obama is feeling about the attack on DACA
 
Politics Smart:
blastoh talked about discussing politics with people with opposing viewpoints
AdmirableSnackbar thought that some people care more about ideology than outcomes
tudorgurl was upset about Trump's plan to end DACA
RminusQ argued that racism isn't a point of view
FormlessOne agreed with a child's assessment
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba had hopes to watch a specific event on television very soon
ionthrust revealed the ending of the show "Some Like It Trump"
RedZoneTuba made an ad for a very timely movie
retrophil created a very depressing reboot of an '80s TV show
Herb Utsmelz gave up on finding something to watch
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us the best new TV program
Stantz needed a bit of glue for repairs
SansNeural showed a girl who's been spending a bit of time at the gym
ionthrust made a strong girl's feat even more impressive
Circusdog320 isn't a fan of Pat Robertson
 
Farktography:
g0ats3x won Farktography Contest No. 644: "Farktography Classic: Sports Photography 2" with a photo of Olympic skiier Leanne Smith
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Beyond Fark 
 
We're very sad to have lost two well-known and beloved members of the Fark community: soosh, a Farktographer and host of the weekly Livingston Stapler Company Presents threads, and timujin, a prolific commenter whose login should be familiar to anyone who regularly reads the Fark NotNewsletter.
 
You can read soosh's memorial thread here.
You can read timujin's memorial thread here.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
 
These are the headlines that TotalFarkers voted as the best!  Thanks for voting!  Vote early, vote often.  We're looking mainly for funny - what headline could you tell someone else at the office or in a bar and make them laugh - and we also love smart and creative and fun.  Thanks to our submitters, you are all amazing!      
 
This week's Fark Headlines of the Week
 
MAIN - check out HotW for the top ten voted headlines.  Here are more that almost made it.  Vote to make sure *your* favorites get top billing!    
 
Man causes $2,000 in damages to 7-Eleven after being told he couldn't use the phone. What did he do, burn it to the ground?   
 
The Russian designer of the coal-rolling Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier now works for China, suggesting we may see a whole new generation of Pacific carriers bursting into flames and exploding on their own   
 
11-year-old finds gun, shoots himself. Police say parents need to teach kids to be more careful, point it at other people   
 
Grown man gets dumped, and you're reading about this on Fark   
 
Night food, outside beer, underwear drunkenness and other foreign concepts that don't exist in English     
 
SPORTS - Sports tends to have more straightforward headlines, but there are always a few gems - check out the top voted in HotW and here are are two more great ones!  We'd love to see more competition!   
 
Here's the new alternate logo for the Seattle Seahawks, and it's looking right at you   
 
Antonio Cromartie is a fertility god    
 
GEEK - geek has been so fantastic that I had to take the top ten this week - here are a handful more that almost made it as well!   
 
Long-range interactions leave a quantum reminder. "Followup" tag in the box. Or not  
 
A new genetic marker for schizophrenia discovered that doesn't require tin foil   
 
Refrigerator encounters its arch enemy: the free-falling anvil   
 
Not content with 2 major hurricanes, raging fires out west, a raving nut job with nukes -- not to mention Kim Jong Un, floods in India, soaring racial tensions and the scourge of man-buns, the sun is sending a storm. Cue Far Side Crisis Clinic comic  
 
Cressida and Desdemona are set to have a hot time around Uranus  
 
... and a classic Fark headline pair: 
 
Your genes determine whether you love or hate Marmite  
 
Your genes don't determine whether you love or hate Marmite    
 
ENTERTAINMENT - there were a few gems - check out the top three voted in HotW, here's one more than *almost* made it.  If you're looking for more chances on HotW, the field in the Entertainment tab has some great submissions but a lot of room for competition!     
 
The Kardashian empire is expanding again. The Federation is on red alert   
 
POLITICS - the politics tab was great this week, check out the ten top voted in HotW, here are a few more that *almost* made the top ten    
 
Kentucky bears down hard on its last abortion clinic. Burlington Coat Factory braces for impact   
 
A 30-foot-high border wall and a 65-foot-high toddler   
 
Kasich fondles Schwarzenegger's gerrymander   
 
A Fark-based theory may be playing out soon in Belarus   
 
God is punishing Americans by hitting America with hurricanes. So God wanted Hillary elected?   
 
BUSINESS - the business tab was especially great this week - keep 'em coming!  These almost made it, go read HotW to see the ones that got the top votes!   
 
Tractor company employees brace for a Deere John letter   
 
The EPA is eyeing limits for dicamba, an agricultural chemical linked to crop damage, just as soon as that horse is completely out of the barn   
 
Britain's car sales are not all right, in fact there's plenty left   
 
Something called a "Tronc" bought something called a "newspaper" for one dollar   
 
For anyone in Houston who might need a new car, here's a handy guide on vehicle customer satisfaction     
 
DISCUSSION - these links all made it to HotW - there seem to be two fairly distinct styles of discussion headlines, the multi-sentence, multi-question headline, and usual one-line headline.  I've recently been taking the top three of both types for HotW.  We'd love to see more of both for more competition!    
 
The most disturbing people you can sit next to on an airplane, but nothing beats the corpse story  
 
By the power of Jennifer Greyskull  
 
It's been over 10 years. Are we over it yet?   
 
"I believe that was already covered during the trial" and other smart arse answers not covered in the linked article about what to say when the job interviewer asks you to tell them about yourself  
 
This week on the Saturday Morning Book Club: What's the most difficult book you've ever read? Bonus points if you actually understood it   
 
Will reigns get fed to the inCenarator? Will anyone care of Enzo and Gable? Can subby manage to type this with no typos on his phone? It's your live Raw thread Starting at 8pm eastern on USA   
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: There's a party in my pants
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-09-05 11:37:54 AM (54 comments) | Permalink

It's September now, and there haven't been any Fark parties since July. August is a crap month, so that's understandable. But now is the perfect time to plan your Fark Party. Maybe you're back in school and want to blow off some steam, maybe your kids are back in school and you want to celebrate, maybe your house is flooded and that ought to be enough to get some Farkers to buy you some drinks, or maybe none of these apply, which is also reason to party. In any case, it's a great time to submit a Fark Party. Pants optional, depending on the venue.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
DACA - 551
Labor Day - 189
Summer - 602
Chemical plant - 199
Bacon - 226
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
MBooda noticed that Texas didn't even get the worst of Hurricane Harvey
7th Son of a 7th Son shared a statement from Joel Osteen to those seeking shelter
Catlenfell showed us thoughts and prayers
jbc pointed out someone who's more of a Christian than Joel Osteen
Madman drummers bummers figured out the trick to getting "Funny" votes on Fark
Abe Vigoda's Ghost showed us that one woman indeed looked like a Cabbage Patch doll as a child
The Goddamn Batman had a message for the Crying Nazi
fusillade762 helpfully captioned a photo of nursing home residents in the flood
RomeoEightJuliet showed a hitchhiking hawk's safety concerns
Cyrus the Mediocre demonstrated the wrong way to slice bread
 
Smart:
FormlessOne explained why a nurse was arrested
docpeteyJ commented on the Crying Nazi's lack of self awareness
doglover reacted to a judge's ruling that Colorado's sex offender list is unconstitutional
netizencain wanted more cops to be held accountable
keylock71 hoped for a certain outcome after a nurse was arrested
firefly212 listed multiple reasons to fire a police officer
thismomentinblackhistory noticed something odd about the penalty when a cop jokes about shooting black people
lostcat discussed what it would take for people to trust police officers
enry discussed a furniture chain owner's reasons for helping people in Houston
Cpl.D thought a Crossfit Nazi got what he deserved
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Funny: myschief gave another Farker a reason to not go to a strip club on a day off
Funny: EatenTheSun had bittersweet thoughts as the house was flooding
Funny: IvyLady revealed the origins of a TotalFark romance
Funny: Huck Chaser asked how another Farker responded to encountering a strange way to use a urinal
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Hyped up
Smart:
This is a tie between Mr_Fabulous with festival season and fusillade762 with a concert in 1993. buckwebb gets a special mention even without having really told a story because that's a cute grandbabby.
Funny: gordian shared what it's like to be a child genius
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
markie_farkie discovered an obscure member of The Village People
RJReves made sure nobody missed a comparison of Trump's Harvey response and Obama's Katrina response
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That followed through in a thread about angry white men
blastoh shared a confusing warning
kevlar51 was saddened by unfair attacks on Trump's actions
 
Politics Smart:
BizarreMan advocated a 25th Amendment remedy
docpeteyJ had some guesses as to why Sheriff David Clarke resigned
Sgt Otter noticed a limit to how much of a Christian nation Mike Pence would like the U.S. to be
Walker shared examples of past presidents visiting disaster areas
Kevin72 explained why the news media report on Trump's failures
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba found our missing socks where no sock has gone before
Circusdog320 discovered a surprising component of Saturn's rings
manyone revealed the hidden secret of the solar eclipse
ionthrust found something more dangerous than rattlesnakes
Yammering_Splat_Vector added some hot coronal action
Herb Utsmelz earwormed the heck out of this Photoshop contest
Surly U. Jest moved a Farker to a more accessible camping spot
Stantz transformed this friendly mailbox
Vortex Dweller showed a cat that's being disrespected
Surly U. Jest did an awesome head swap
 
Farktography:
Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 643: "Green 3" with some pointy water
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)   
 
Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend, and we're all ready to get back to work and start sweating the latest impending disaster. Stay safe, Floridians.
 
This week's quiz seemed a little more difficult than usual, so we'll try and tone it down a bit for the next one. Vaginosilicosis took first with 802, followed by MrPleasant in second with 799. OOF brought in third with 795, and rounding out the top 5 were Denjiroin fourth with 792, and Kaiser Bill's Batman making fifth with 782.
 
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz this week was over the highest-grossing animated film franchise internationally. 12% of quiztakers knew that while "Ice Age" has done respectably domestically (not quite the smash hits that are "Shrek" and "Toy Story," though), It has done better than the others internationally. This may be due to the fact that it is more based on physical comedy and sight gags (which translate well) rather than the story-based exposition of "Shrek" and "Toy Story" (which is sometimes hard to translate).   
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what German thieves had stolen 20 metric tons of. 79% of quiztakers knew that someone had an extreme fondness for Nutella. I'm guessing that someone's bikini mud wrestling contest had received a bad batch of mud recently, so decided to improvise after a revolt by the contestants.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what little critter had just crawled out of Mommy's pouch after about 7 months of mooching about in there like a 20-something in her basement and she finally shut off the Wi-Fi. Only 25% of quiztakers knew that the rare white joey was a koala. For the record, the young of all marsupials (pouched animals) is called a "joey," not just kangaroos.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over where the last PowerBall winner lived. 85% of quiztakers knew that she had the unfortunate circumstance of living in Massachusetts, one of the highest-taxed (although also one of the highest in quality of life) states in the Union. But when you're up nearly $400 million after taxes, you probably don't let it bother you.
 
A special shout-out goes to I Have a Bo Burnham Gif for That for his help in putting together this week's quiz.
 
If you missed the quiz due to being outdoors and enjoying the last bit of summer, you can take the Fark Weird News Quiz here.  
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
Here are a few of the great headlines that didn't quite get the top votes but were still up there.  So vote early, vote often!   Especially if you think headlines like these should have been at the top!  To see the headlines that did get the top votes, look here.    
 
MAIN   
 
Hobby Lobby is funding the plundering of Palestinian cultural heritage, possibly by digging it up and putting glitter on it    
 
It's one of the biggest travel weekends of the year. Let's close a bridge at a choke point  
 
If you've got 34 Xanax pills, 29 amphetamine pills, 96 Oxycodone pills, 3 bags of MDMA, 6 bags of meth, 68 bottles of steroids, 3 bags of ketamine, 2 vials of ketamine, a bag of shrooms and 700 ecstasy tablets, a killer robot almost seems reasonable    
 
Do you want to greet a loved one at the airport gate, like pre-9/11 days? Bad enough to pick them up in Pittsburgh?   
 
Woman (70 years old) fined for falling asleep at the wheel and clipping a guardrail. Her goats were fine, by the way   Don't have a Wells Fargo account? Are you sure?   
 
Philosophical questions for the modern age: Could you still be busted for drunk-driving even if you were "driving" a driverless car? Maybe. What about if you were standing on the roof? Definitely   
 
SPORTS   
 
You're not going to believe this, but the NFL might've screwed up their handling of the Ezekial Elliot investigation and hidden a few things   
 
GEEK     
 
Stop. You had me at "rocket-powered ninja swords"  
 
Ad astra per aqua   
 
The rise and fall of the Romans can be charted in their lead plumbing. It's Pb without the jelly   
 
ENTERTAINMENT   
 
Apparently Matt Damon's is five inches most of the time  
 
Half Chinese actress changed her last name from Wang to Bennet and got more work because Hollywood is either A) racist - or B) doesn't like wang in their movies   
 
POLITICS  
 
Casting call for next season of top reality show getting huge turnout    
 
Trump praises crowd at Phoenix rally as a "packed house." Trump also fired long time staffer because attendance at said rally was sparse. Discuss    
 
Back off NAFTA or this fetus gets it     
 
BUSINESS   
 
"You can buy this great 'USA' hat in my online store for only $40. Walmart: "Hold my beer"    
 
Houston's housing market is expected to go through the roof. And the walls. And the floorboards. And you may need some new carpeting    
 
DISCUSSION   These headlines made it to HotW - I'm continuing to take the top three weekly thread discussion headlines and the top three regular headlines.     
 
When Starlight Glimmer and Trixie visit Thorax, they meet his brother Pharynx, who is grateful you're no longer watching it for the Abdomen. It's My Little Pony - To Change a Changeling, Saturday on Discovery Family at 11:30am ET    
 
New Comics (8/30): Secret Empire mercifully ends, Darkseid gives us an upskirt shot, Mace Windu finally gets his own motherfarking comic, Moneypenny gets out from behind the desk, and Hawkeye hunts the most dangerous game....Hawkeye   
 
I have no idea what you're singing about, so here's YATTA because it's been awhile   My office finally started blocking Fark. I'm stuck using my phone to communicate with you people. You're so tiny now  
 
Wait .... so you're saying there were no great whites swimming on I-45, 20 ft gators on I-10 and ANTIFA shooting at the mighty Cajun Navy?    
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Harvey updates
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-08-28 1:00:37 PM (66 comments) | Permalink

Some of you are still dealing with Hurricane/tropical storm Harvey. Our thoughts are with you, and we hope you're safe. Please check in when you can, and remember that Farkers have been able to help each other out during similar circumstances in the past. Feel free to reach out in the NotNewsletter thread or any Harvey thread if you need help getting through this.
 
CatherineM posted a comment explaining things that "non-Houstonians need to understand" about what they're dealing with right now. Please note that while this comment is in a TotalFark thread which normally wouldn't be accessible to non-TotalFarkers, we've made it so that anyone with a Fark account can view this thread for a couple of days, but you must be logged into your Fark account to see it.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Hurricane - 1590
Harvey - 728
Flood - 912
Joe Arpaio - 789
Sebastian Gorka - 306
Bacon - 257
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Tymast reacted to the USS John S. McCain collision
Conservative Humor was having a bad day
SmackLT gave advice to someone who was nervous about Hurricane Harvey
12349876 had a book recommendation
bearded clamorer showed a hawk reacting to a cab driver's home
naughtyrev explained why a gay man wasn't allowed to adopt cats
Russ1642 found Butthead's lookalike
Mike_LowELL was jealous of white supremacists
derpes_simplex helped out with a currency conversion
Louisiana_Sitar_Club showed the possible results of surgery to look like Ivanka Trump
 
Smartest:
SmackLT gave advice to someone who was nervous about Hurricane Harvey
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha shared what Johnny Cash's children said about the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville
fusillade762 discussed people who post their violent intentions on social media
Marcus Aurelius suggested more surgeries for a woman trying to look like Ivanka Trump
enry expanded on some advice to college students
fusillade762 commented on the charges against a white supremacist who shot into a crowd of counter-protesters
Target Builder had a question about another Navy ship collision
Serious Black thought there was a problem with American police
ecmoRandomNumbers suggested a way to get people to trust the police
gilgigamesh described seeing people being jerks in a museum
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Chicken Fried Steak
Smartest:
Praise Cheesus told a story about cooking an exotic delicacy
Funniest: Ker_Thwap found a way to say something nice rather than not saying anything at all
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Non Sequitur Man reacted to news that Mueller subpoenaed some law firms
mjjt shared a comment from a visitor to Scott Adams' blog
blastoh showed us what a destroyed monument might look like
Nina_Hartley's_Ass explained why Donald Trump complains so much
PainInTheASP had a message for Stormfronters
 
Politics Smartest:
King Something pointed out something Scott Adams will never figure out
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to Trump pardoning Arpaio
jwa007 voiced some opinions about Fox News
Relatively Obscure suggested a response to someone's reasons for supporting Trump
scottydoesntknow made some observations about the good old days
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ionthrust taught us something about mushrooms
Iggie found a replacement monument that many fans of the Confederacy would be happy with
Herb Utsmelz aimed to pacify those who want to keep Confederate monuments
DiggidyDan showed someone who would rather put the Confederate monuments in a museum
retrophil provided a very good reason to exit the freeway
Yammering_Splat_Vector added some motivation to take the next off-ramp
retrophil added incentive to just take the next exit already
whitebelly created the ugliest dog ever
StainedGlassRuby wanted a monument to science bitches
Don_cos posted some helpful warnings
 
Farktography:
Linguine won Farktography Contest No. 642: "Farkitecture 2" with a mighty mighty brick house
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe
 
 
Thanks for voting for Headline of the Week!  Remember to vote early, vote often.  The best time to vote is when you a headline really stands out for you - remember to vote for it!  We're looking most of all for funny - but also headlines that just really grab you, or are a fantastic creative twist.  Thanks to all our submitters!! 
 
We have a lot of great headlines and not all of the great ones get the most votes, so I wanted to highlight a few of the headlines that didn't quite make the top 10 (for Main) or the top three (for the rest of the tabs).  Here are some of the best that *didn't* make it - if you like these better than the ones that were chosen, make sure to keep that in mind and vote your favorites during the week, and make *your* favorites rise to the top! 
 
MAIN  
 
And if anybody should object to this union, let him speak now....I didn't mean you, Harvey 
 
£13.40 for a pint is the most London thing ever. Of course it's an IPA, but you knew that already  
 
The most foul, revolting assault on humanity is already upon us, mere days before Labor Day weekend. And no, it has nothing to do with politics. It. Must. Be. Stopped 
 
As we appear to have run out of other news, a passenger on a BA flight was charged double for 'strong tea'  
 
For the last time, pal - breaking into the church to get naked and drink the sacramental wine night is Tuesday, not Monday  
 
First bourbon, then pizza, now spaghetti sauce covers a highway in third Arkansas food spill in as many weeks. Golden Corral plans to open new restaurant in the same place  
 
SPORTS  
 
In alarming news out of Canada, half the country calls kickball "soccer baseball"  
 
The latest thing ruining football fandom is: A) Concussion studies; B) The Dallas Cowboys; C) Fantasy football  
 
GEEK 
 
A Thorium reactor has just been started. Hans Martin Djupvik glances around nervously  
 
First around-the-world telegram (stop) sent on this day (stop) in 1911 (stop) 
 
ENTERTAINMENT  
 
Eleanor Rigby, died in the church, and was buried along with her name, nobody came... until now when some lucky Beatles' fan can buy her grave for probably around $3,000 
 
POLITICS 
 
Politics headlines were still plentiful this week but the majority were Trump-centric.  This seems to reflect the entirety of news coverage out in the larger internet, but we'd love more variety.  Here are a few of the top voted that didn't make the top three.   
 
U.S. Defense Secretary: "Russia is trying to redraw borders by force." All of the Kremlin: "...And?"  
 
Oh man, that's right. He's been on vacation this whole damn time  
 
So, yeah Trump's poll numbers are in the toilet, but that's only because we haven't fixed the thing that lets chicks vote yet  
 
Trump supporters circulate photo of Phoenix rally crowds. Apparently forget that the internet exists, and is forever  
 
Ann Coulter may be the first to have to choose sides and go with either Trump or Bannon. It's like Kramer vs Kramer but with racists   
 
BUSINESS  
 
Having forgotten how stock market and real estate crashes happen, middle class Americans go on a bitcoin buying binge  
 
DISCUSSION 
 
There seem to be two main types of discussion headlines.  First, the usual Fark-style humor, and second, the Live discussion threads that usually have a multi-question or conversational style.  Both have the possibility to be really fun and funny so this week I'm listing the top three of both types.  And again - we don't get a lot of discussion submissions, so your chances of a greenlight in this tab are a lot higher than in the other tabs.  We'd love to see more!    
 
Stay calm. We can do this. If we believe, really believe in it, we can bring the sun back. So clap. Clap like your sun depends on it. Official discussion thread (live webcast starts at 11:45am ET)  
 
What do you do when your big sister/little sister camping trip is ruined -- aside from burying your dead? It's spooky campfire tale time on My Little Pony - Campfire Tales this Saturday on Discovery Family at 11:30am ET 
 
Will Lesnar lose his title? No. Will Nakamura beat Mahal? Yes. Will Rusev come out on top? Yes. Will The Shield defeat Cesaro and Sheamus? Obviously. This is your WWE Summerslam thread, the most predictable card of the year. Action begins at 7pm ET  
 
How would Superman kill himself? Difficulty: He can't find any Kryptonite 
 
"The British obsession with ketchup has gone too far." That's technically impossible 
 
Ms. T has a problem: she's single and in her 20s, and frustrated that her younger sister, whom she's always been academically and athletically superior to, is getting married. Ms. T can't stand losing and wants to know what to do. I pity the fool  
 
To see the rest of the Headlines of the Week, check here 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: If you keep doing that, you'll go blind
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-08-21 10:36:50 AM (60 comments) | Permalink

Eclipse day is finally here, and no doubt we'll soon be posting some articles on Fark about people who damaged their eyes whilst admiring it. It's like the Medusa of celestial events - enjoy the spectacle, but don't look directly at it or get its blood on you. Or go ahead if you want to, I'm not the boss of you. Indeed, we all answer to the Ferret People.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Eclipse - 1064
Jerry Lewis - 35
Hey lady - 15
Stephen Bannon - 1831
Bacon - 395
Cabbage - 32
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
BumpInTheNight pulled a joke that always results in a bunch of reports to moderators (and the moderators laugh every time)
bloobeary had a suggestion for a new name for Jefferson Davis Highway
jbc went with the obligatory highway name suggestion
Walker explained why Trump would blame both sides when a van ran over people in Barcelona
BizarreMan decyphered a confusing acronym
Cyberluddite warned of Nazis in the animal kingdom
RodneyToady thought a headline about a pizza box was going to end differently
Bowen helpfully explained what AirDrop is
HairyNevus learned a valuable lesson about keeping your device's sharing settings tight
edmo showed what happens when you take up more than one parking space
maddog2030 explained why a guy made a game of punching a set bear trap
 
Smartest:
Lighting urged people to not take it upon themselves to take down Confederate monuments
King Something's views differed slightly from Lighting's
scottydoesntknow apparently isn't a paranoid cop
what_now sympathized with a police officer who thought someone else's pizza box was calling her a pig
bloobeary pointed out that it shouldn't be a surprise when certain actions have consequences
August11 explained why not everyone disapproves of protesters destroying Confederate monuments
what_now noticed an unusual amount of effort going into an investigation
kanesays shared a tweet asking why a terrorist's radicalization hadn't been reported
Grand_Moff_Joseph predicted the followup to an article about saving for retirement
hubiestubert described white supremacists
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
A few days ago, someone submitted a thread asking what everyone would write a poem called "I care" about. Some TotalFarkers went ahead and wrote poems. A couple of favorites:
 
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat had an angry drunk reply to William Carlos Williams "This Is Just To Say"
mikaloyd wrote a poem about TotalFark Discussion
 
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Picknicking
Smartest & Funniest:
Recoil Therapy's dog had to be rescued while practicing rescuing the kids
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
MaudlinMutantMollusk summed up what's been happening in the White House
hobnail told us what Steve Bannon's plans are now
El_Perro's source said that Bannon left for other reasons
RJReves pointed out why it's illegal to have sexual relations with Confederate monuments
The Third Man knew that Steve Bannon would still have plenty to do
 
Politics Smartest:
hubiestubert expanded on Heather Heyer's Facebook post about being outraged
holdmybones wanted a victim's name to be known rather than a killer's
GardenWeasel proposed a law named for Heather Heyer
Non Sequitur Man suggested a replacement statue
mutterfark agreed with a white nationalist when he claimed, "I'm not the angry racist they see in that photo"
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Snubnose found evidence that the Titanic might have been done in by sabotage
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us how fruit works
bark_atda_moon proved that Keanu is sad even when he's really high
Iggie finally got some peace and quiet
RedZoneTuba didn't think the late Helen Thomas would make a good bride
retrophil had some colorful diamonds
retrophil showed us Elmo's first movie role
retrophil revealed what Paul Hogan was actually offering to do for us
manyone found nature's Google doodle
Yammering_Splat_Vector let us know what "Ghost in the Shell" is really about
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 641: "C is for Cookie" ended in a tie between two gorgeous photos: Linguine's "Colorado River in a canyon" and BecauseISaidSo's "Cascade in the Canyon"
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Boy, that escalated quickly
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2017-08-15 11:43:46 AM, edited 2017-08-15 12:01:57 PM (74 comments) | Permalink

Well, last week sure was a total crapfest. It started out with outrage over some Googler's memo and things only went downhill from there. Can things go downhill and escalate at the same time? I guess so, because somehow they did.
 
On an unrelated note, the Fark Party submission form has been simplified. Submitting Fark Parties is way easier now. We got rid of the whole awkward mess of "pick a location" screens, and replaced it with a simple "venue name and address" pair of lines. So go ahead and submit a Fark Party. They're a great way to meet new people, and, being Farkers, you show up already having something in common.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Fire and fury - 148
North Korea - 1461
Guam -608
Charlottesville - 788
Bacon - 261
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
The_Y2P_Problem translated things for people who wait until the book becomes a movie
Mr. Coffee Nerves explained the origins of a ruling in Alabama that a law barring teacher-student sex is unconstitutional
Dubwise shared a tweet about the white nationalist rally
duppy explained what was happening in a photo of white nationalists
Richard Freckle shared some bathroom banter
debug spotted the ghost of Ned Stark in an episode of "Game of Thrones"
Chariset explained why people aren't calling attacks "radical white male conservative terrorism"
eKonk shared the Google memo writer's side of the story
JesusIsNowBlind unwisely accepted a dare
hinten shared some tweets about gender stereotypes
 
Smartest:
Grand_Moff_Joseph thought that there was a double standard in police response to gatherings
Chariset explained why people aren't calling attacks "radical white male conservative terrorism"
blastoh asked why a certain phrase wasn't being used
Pocket Ninja explained white supremacists
WilderKWight posted a comparison of a couple of flags
LordZorch isn't interested in going to a vegan restaurant
thismomentinblackhistory shared a tweet about a photo of white nationalists
rooftop235 was upset about a vegan restaurant's "man tax"
AdmirableSnackbar reacted to a police officer wanting to have a boxing match with a gym owner
ralphjr compared two racist crowds
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny: GrahamManning commented on  Donald Trump's competency
Smart: Mrs.Sharpier answered the question, "Are you hot or not?"
Funny: Timanous explained how a Farker's hand was cut while changing a tire
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Your nemesis
Smartest:
Man_Without_A_Hat shared his dad's instructions on dealing with a bully
Funniest:Lizara is in a fight to the death with a sibling
 
Politics Funniest:
Epoch_Zero shared a fact about Voyager 1
JustToLetYouKnowFriend showed that all Trump's signature is missing is a bunch of eyes
dv-ous made an unsettling discovery about "generic white guys"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That continued to live up to the Fark handle
Grungehamster begged Vox for help
 
Politics Smartest:
Confabulat was in favor of damaging Trump
kronicfeld was impressed by one of Donald Trump's tweets
scottydoesntknow wanted to be sure everyone noticed a note about an article's author
mongbiohazard admired Mueller's competency
naughtyrev suspected that Trump was being dishonest
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ionthrust gave  a biker chick a bunch of lively friends
RedZoneTuba showed a panda getting some takeout
Herb Utsmelz upgraded a television set
Surly U. Jest gave Putin something he's been missing
RedZoneTuba redesigned a Fleetwood Mac album cover
zeon made a pretty cool tunnel
retrophil showed this hippie what It was missing
maxandgrinch made the most of this fighter's cool moves
ionthrust helped Totoro stay dry
Iggie found a passionate pianist
ionthrust discovered a tricky tunnel
 
Farktography:
orionid won Farktography Contest No. 640: "Zootography" with "A Face Only a Mother Could Love"
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Fark's Headlines of the Week just posted on the main page earlier today, but we're including more great headlines from the last week in the Fark NotNewsletter. There are a lot of fantastic headlines submitted each week that don't quite make the cut!  Votes determine the top ten headlines in Main and Politics and the top three in the rest of the tabs.  Vote early, vote often to make sure the headlines *you* like most are the ones that get recognized!  
 
Actual Headlines of the Week here!
 
Headlines that *almost* made the cut here: 
 
MAIN
 
You can walk to work or you can take the subway. If you try to do both you're going to cause trouble 
 
Christian Millau, the godfather of the Nouvelle Cuisine movement, dead at the age of 88. Will be buried in an oversized white coffin with a single orchid 
 
Earthquake, tsunami, nuclear meltdown and now unexploded WWII bomb. If we get Godzilla next then I win Fukushima Bingo
 
Don't you hate it when you're jogging and someone doesn't move out of your way? So does this guy 
 
Dallas mother demands that solar eclipse 2017 event be moved to the school holidays - "Did this lady just ask to reschedule the sun?"  
 
SPORTS 
 
Meh: Estonian soccer team scores 15 seconds into the match. Fark: Without touching the ball. In other news, the Patriots figure they're good to score this way four times against the Jets this year  
 
GEEK 
 
100-year-old Antarctic fruitcake found in 'excellent condition' and ready to be regifted  
 
ENTERTAINMENT 
 
Stephen Lang won't let something as trivial as being dead prevent him from being in the Avatar sequels 
 
Game Of Thrones' battles are historically realistic. Apart from the dragons, of course  
 
POLITICS 
 
Madlibs, Brexit Edition: ___________ industry worth _______ to the UK economy is looking to relocate to ___________ 
 
Close now counts for horseshoes, hand grenades, and ISPs 
 
OK, A) the State Department isn't in charge of the military, and B) "pre-emptive," by definition, requires surprise
 
Trump admin shuts down the burdensome regulation of testing truck drivers and train conductors for sleep apnea, because the free market will decide whether we need alert drivers on our roads 
 
Today the DOJ announced a new initiative to...I can't even bear to look...*peeks between fingers* set guidelines on what forensic examiners can say about the accuracy and reliability of their tests to eliminate "Junk science" testimony? Oh, carry on  
 
BUSINESS 
 
Lobstermen Unionize. Meanwhile, Avengers still freelancing, JLA still trying to organize, and Defenders just haven't got their shiat together yet  
 
DISCUSSION 
 
It's getting a bit weird in the Saturday Morning Book Club today. What's the weirdest thing you've ever read ... and would you recommend it? 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can become a TotalFarker here.
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