Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2010-02-14

If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

Not News Sports Business Geek Showbiz Politics Music Video All

Sun February 14, 2010

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Scary: Woman calls 911 because her baby is choking. Hero: 911 dispatcher saves the baby by talking the woman through the situation. Fark: It turns out that the dispatcher was the baby's father (msnbc.msn.com)	(104)
(Some Guy)		Do you know how I know you're gay? You want a license plate that says "IM GAY" (koco.com)	(144)
		"My Sharona" singer now visiting "My Embalma", then "My Funeral Parla" (detnews.com)	(158)
		Not getting along with your ex? Complain to the police in Cincinnati and there's a 99% chance you can get them arrested (news.cincinnati.com)	(54)
		Moscow ridicules Washington's winter woes: "News about the weather totally displaces news about anything else happening in the world. As if this is a tornado or a hurricane, and not just simply snow." (nytimes.com)	(107)
(Some Guy)		Mynd you, ørangutan bites kan be pretty nasti (kcci.com)	(49)
		Happy Valentine's Day. Here's some dinosaurs having sex (foxnews.com)	(85)
		US's oldest death row inmate, sentenced to death in 1983, dies of old age at 94 (news.bbc.co.uk)	(145)
		Good news: Cable provider offering to let you pay for only the channels you want to watch. Merde: In Quebec (cbc.ca)	(124)
		Anti-immigration politician shows just how anti-immigration she is by emigrating (smh.com.au)	(75)
		Photoshop this colorful shopper shopping (artradarasia.files.wordpress.com)	(50)
		Pristine Alaskan wilderness: 1, Oil company shill: 0 (news.yahoo.com)	(278)
		Daredevil squirrel who liked to ride a Sonic Spinball rollercoaster has been banned...because he is upsetting the red tape brigade (lep.co.uk)	(70)
		The coolest 360° panoramic view of the 2010 Winter Olympics ceremony you will see all day (nytimes.com)	(42)
(wptv.com)		There's nothing like relaxing on your boat and watching a 30 story building implode. (w/cool pics) (wptv.com)	(63)
		Public health messages may need to be simplified for stupid people. In other news, Public Health Dept. to require Taser capsules in every McDoubleCheeseChiliWhopper sold (int.iol.co.za)	(38)
(Some Guy)		If you see a naked porcupine a certain pitbull would like to bark with you (boredstop.com)	(83)
		You get hit by someone running a stop sign and they flee. Do you A) give chase, B) give chase and ram the vehicle that hit you, C) both of these PLUS force the vehicle that hit you into a tree causing it to split in half and catch fire (news.cincinnati.com)	(223)
(Miller-McCune)		Have you ever wondered how to get someone to throw you beads at Mardi Gras? Just ask a Mardi Gras beadwhore. (but you'd better expect to expose some flesh) (miller-mccune.com)	(141)
		A record 38.2 million Americans now rely on the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, Oh SNAP (guardian.co.uk)	(191)
		Restaurant that serves Parmesan marshmallows and lambs brains is about to close. Shocking (telegraph.co.uk)	(43)
		Choose your stupid: a) "We want to keep ducks as pets" b) A 62-year-old woman fighting with the zoning board to make the owners get rid of them or c) The Boston Globe finding this newsworthy (boston.com)	(59)
(Brockton Enterprise)		First grader who touched girl in class wins $160,000 to go with his vacation from school (enterprisenews.com)	(130)
		Then I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?" The cop said, "I got really, really tanked and crashed my car into the storefront." (foxnews.com)	(47)
		The number one non-chocolate Valentine's Day candy no longer taste like Pepto-Bismal and is now with the times with "TWEET ME" and "TEXT ME." Still no "FARK ME" (npr.org)	(65)
		Postman wins $4700 in damages after complaining that a cut on his finger stopped him from playing darts. I'm sure plenty of people out there have a finger to show him (dailymail.co.uk)	(33)
(Boredstop)		What happens when a cat owner has OCD (boredstop.com)	(73)
		For all of you procrastinators out there, Cracked has some excellent music choices available for tonight's obligatory sexual acts (cracked.com)	(82)
		Bootstrappy voters in Colorado Springs refuse to pay, so city shuts off the lights (npr.org)	(277)
		Well you see Scottishness starts with little things like that, and works up. You see, people don't just turn into a kilt-dropping Scotsman for no reason at all (news.com.au)	(44)
		At risk fish pulled from up to 1900 supermarkets, lack of decent after school program to blame (communities.canada.com)	(22)
		Couple attempting to prove that Valentino's ghost walks the earth inadvertently prove that all psychics and mediums are total frauds. Bonus: 2m 05secs 'He just touched my shoulder...or was it a raindrop (inside)' (express.co.uk)	(52)
		Apparently things aren't bad enough in U.K. state schools, so the next step is to bring in experts to explain why kids are stupid. Fark: One of the experts is Goldie Hawn (timesonline.co.uk)	(49)
		What do you do (and what should you do) when your spouse cheats on you? (Happy Valentine's Day) (abcnews.go.com)	(160)
		Photoshop this quick cool off (s.wsj.net)	(33)
		Gorilla escapes Dallas Zoo, swears to wreak vengeance on a mustachioed Italian plumber (khou.com)	(53)
(Pueblo Chieftan)		After string of accidents, Pueblo, Colorado police chief orders officers to take training in how to back up a car (chieftain.com)	(32)
		HOW do you outrun an alligator that has a top speed of more than 120mph? (dailymail.co.uk)	(65)
		You're taking the UK test for citizenship. Do you need to know: (a) the date of the Battle of Hastings; (b) the line of succession for the British throne; or (c) how to queue correctly? (telegraph.co.uk)	(86)
		In New Jersey, eco-friendly funerals are in style - cement goulashes are out (nj.com)	(37)
(newstrib)		BRB HIT CAR...OMG lT 5.0 TTYL FML (newstrib.com)	(84)
		Longest-serving NYC officer retires, keeps a watchful eye on his lawn (upi.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Ohio man goes to Vegas to break the world record of most hugs in one day. Because there simply isn't anything else to do in Vegas except hug elderly strangers with fanny packs all day (newsnet5.com)	(29)
		Man refused entry to bus for carrying a) a gun b) a bomb c) a tin of non toxic paint (news.bbc.co.uk)	(60)
(Some Dust Mop)		Photoshop this custodian and cat (festpicture.ru)	(39)
(Some Guy)		Probe launched into Mianus fire blamed on hot ashes, spicy food (greenwichtime.com)	(40)
		Fark: tea drinkers banned from historic abbey. UltraFark: for slurping their tea too loudly (thesun.co.uk)	(57)
		The three people who were shot and killed by the UAH professor on Friday brought her kill count up to four (cnn.com)	(186)
(ktla.com)		Family dog stolen from its owners after a car accident. So begins the War on Terrier (ktla.com)	(63)

Sat February 13, 2010

	And the gold medal for "Silliest Comma Placement in a Headline" goes to the Dayton Daily News (daytondailynews.com)	(114)
(Some Guy)	Caption this owl (media.franklinnow.com)	(90)
	Woman breaks into neighbor's house and claims to be a "Messenger of God". Judging by the gun in her hand, the message was Ezekiel 25:17 (palmbeachpost.com)	(147)
	Lexington Fark Party with Drew, Tucker Max and KY Sportsradio Feb 13th (fark.com)	(233)
(Some Guy)	Let's get America smoking again to fight obesity (maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com)	(139)
(Some Guy)	The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement... why smart people shouldn't breed (vhemt.org)	(212)
	The DC Metro train that derailed yesterday: the good news -- it wasn't faulty tracks or equipment. Bad news: the safety system derailed the train because the driver was going through a red light (washingtonpost.com)	(86)
(Telegraph Nepal)	Under the advice of his astrologers, atheist governor worships water buffaloes to appease the planet Saturn (telegraphnepal.com)	(186)
	And movie theatre employees think they have it bad now (news.discovery.com)	(76)
	Photoshop challenge: Create some new Winter Olympic events (images.google.com)	(79)
	Regulations prohibit Nanny State police from rescuing five year-old girl from icy river (telegraph.co.uk)	(282)
	Florida manatees endangered by frigid temperatures. OH THE COOL MANATEE (cnn.com)	(38)
(WWL)	The EPA would like to have a word with Louisiana officials, whose solution to de-icing river bridges is to just pour antifreeze everywhere (wwl.com)	(108)
	Just when you thought young nurses couldn't be any sexier, you find out they're prone to catty fights involving something called "horizontal violence" (well.blogs.nytimes.com)	(92)
	Happy "Mistress Day" or, as it's known in Tiger Woods' house, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (twice), Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Friday night's for the wife, of course (nydailynews.com)	(49)
	High court to decide of "pole tax" strips rights from patrons, leaves adult industry owners naked and exposed of First Amendment rights (chron.com)	(46)
	Scientists at Cal Berkeley are working on piezoelectric smart-clothes which will generate power through body movement. What super-hero name will you choose? (sciencedaily.com)	(142)
	Lawmaker vows to impose a cigarette tax after his mother dies of emphysema after nearly 50 years of smoking. Because that's just what this country needs: taxes enacted by kneejerk, emotional, deeply personal motivations (sltrib.com)	(169)
	Caturday announcement: Editor Ellen Datlow has commissioned authors to write sci-fi/fantasy stories for an anthology entitled Tails of Wonder And Imagination, stories that are all about furred felines (io9.com)	(79)
	The cosplay fad finally reaches the Middle East (news.yahoo.com)	(102)
(Some Guy)	Hubble captures double aurorae light show on Saturn. (with awesome video) (universetoday.com)	(47)
	Saturday's edition of Mad Libs: Bill Clinton "keen to _ _ _ _" after surgery. (voting enabled) (news.bbc.co.uk)	(90)
(Eagle Gazette)	Court tells criminal to go three blocks down the street and get his monitoring ankle bracelet installed. Next time, it might work better if they escorted him (lancastereaglegazette.com)	(32)
	There are some Winter Olympics sports that look like the result of a lost bar bet and several others that serve as apparent proof that nothing good can happen in a mountain sauna at 2 a.m (suntimes.com)	(151)
(Some Guy)	A Tarzana woman was found guilty Thursday of dousing an exotic dancer with gasoline and setting her on fire last year because she had been denied a job at the bar. This is a case of the pictures tell the story better (dailynews.com)	(93)
(Some Guy)	Alterna-school kids use duct tape to raise $1300 for charity. Duct tape - is there anything it can't do? (phoenixvillenews.com)	(21)
	Farewell to Horace Greasley, who broke out of German POW camps hundreds of times during WWII...just so he could get laid. With utterly awesome "screw you, Himmler" photo (telegraph.co.uk)	(149)
	You remember how we told you that vegetarianism and eating tofu was better for the environment? About that (dailymail.co.uk)	(145)
	The ultimate romantic dining destination for Valentine's Day is... Waffle House? "The tables will be set up with red linen. You have the candlelight. Most of our employees, waiters, and waitresses will have on white shirts" (cbs42.com)	(87)
(Some Guy)	California family finds homes for over two dozen feral cats and kittens, just in time for Caturday (sanluisobispo.com)	(736)
(Some Dick)	Coming soon to Ontario schools: Help Captain Condom, Wonder Vag, Willy the Kid and Power Pap prevent the evil Sperminator from infecting all of Sex City with STD's (montrealgazette.com)	(75)
	If you are going to vandalize a window, make sure there aren't over 100 cops inside staring at you as you try to create your work of art. At least one of them can run faster than you (sfgate.com)	(40)
	Photoshop this complex costume (spiegel.de)	(27)
	Shark bites woman in the Whitsundays. In related news, Australians have some odd terms for human anatomy (news.com.au)	(27)
	The coolest photo of Space Shuttle Endeavour floating over a sunset you will see this year (nasa.gov)	(68)
(Some Guy)	"We are the World" returns with Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson, a bunch of modern artists subby doesn't recognize, and... is that Jeff Bridges? (wearetheworldfoundation.org)	(157)
(wxii12.com)	83-year-old man met his 74-year-old wife online. Yes, their Fark account numbers are lower than yours (wxii12.com)	(85)
	Begun, the sand wars have (telegraph.co.uk)	(63)
	With Valentine's Day almost here, Vicar urges women parishioners to "be silent" and "submit to your husbands" (dailymail.co.uk)	(166)
	Aww: Husband of 37 years makes valentine. News: Half-mile-wide valentine. Fark: Manure (twincities.com)	(52)

Fri February 12, 2010

	Eat healthy all the time? Congratulations, you have an eating disorder (time.com)	(113)
(Some Crazy Legs)	Photoshop this crinoline composition (fabrikproject.com.mx)	(43)
	It's like Cash for Clunkers in reverse: Japanese drivers spooked by the Prius recall can get a 250,000 yen ($2,780) subsidy if they buy an imported "green" vehicle --- the 4700 pound, 16 mpg Hummer H3 (nytimes.com)	(73)
	Farmer upset by thefts of potatoes from his fields plant new crop of (a) carrots (b) cabbages or (c) landmines (news.bbc.co.uk)	(71)
	Man beats his out of control son with plastic pipe because, well, it's in the Bible (nzherald.co.nz)	(128)
(Some Guy)	Mattel unveils "Computer Engineer" Barbie. Tag is because she weighs less than 300 pounds and is not covered with dried Mountain Dew and Cheetos dust (chipchick.com)	(176)
	Norweigian buhund, a dog breed used by Vikings to hunt bear, added to Westminster dog show. Your dog wants a helmet with horns (examiner.com)	(92)
	Video of Victoria's Secret models offering romance advice. Surprisingly, advice doesn't involve getting ridiculously rich (if you're a guy) or dropping to a Size 3 (if you're a girl) (abcnews.go.com)	(50)
	Woman finds love on Facebook after finding her playmate from first grade. He thinks she's great, but is still really concerned that she is still a carrier for cooties (abcnews.go.com)	(103)
	This week's gold medal winning round-up of mug shots (thesmokinggun.com)	(181)
(WHNT)	Next up in the on-campus shooting lottery: University of Alabama in Huntsville. Three dead, fourth person shot, one woman in custody, campus is now cleared for fleeing (whnt.com)	(447)
	Homeless women in Sacramento to be given stylish new boots, instead of, say, food and shelter (sacbee.com)	(122)
	If you are a smoker in Washington DC and you want a free Blackberry, a $1 million stimulus program has got you covered (LGT video) (cnn.com)	(76)
(CNNGo)	A Hong Kong flower market during Chinese New Year season. The coolest pics of haggling old people you'll see today (cnngo.com)	(54)
	Photoshop this highly-hatted street musician (flickr.com)	(55)
	It's Friday Photo fun time with The Smoking Gun. Can you guess which celebrity committed an assault in the building in the photo? (Contest ends 6pm ET) (thesmokinggun.com)	(45)
	Studies show that shoveling snow increases your risk of heart attack. So do your heart a favor and stay inside all winter eating pork rinds and Funyuns on the couch (abcnews.go.com)	(43)
	Husband abuses his wife by continuing to bring home stray cats. "Ed put me through four years of hell." (news.cincinnati.com)	(67)
	Florida schools close because they might get an inch of snow (abcnews.go.com)	(145)
	Swine flu made 57 million Americans ill, and 243 million sick of hearing about it (news.yahoo.com)	(151)
	The secrets of Kevin Trudeau's contempt of court charges that THEY don't want you to know about (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(155)
	Anastasia is dead, but the Lindbergh baby is still alive and believes he'll be paid $1 billion from the aviator's estate (contracostatimes.com)	(128)
(Some Red Liner)	The DC Metro's spotless record tarnished with this morning's train derailment (wmata.com)	(83)
	Scientists say the more religious a person is, the more likely they are brain-damaged (news.yahoo.com)	(668)
	Loser laments loss of larcenied LEGO landmarks. Lawmen lookout for leads (abclocal.go.com)	(59)
	Staff employees in Maricopa County, Arizona have been caught speeding on photo radar cameras more than 1,500 times over the last two years, marking the first time in history a government worker has done something fast (azcentral.com)	(55)
	New Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit reveals she also painted some things that didn't look exactly like a vagina (abcnews.go.com)	(96)
	Canadian authorities blow up 'suspicious package' only to find out it contained a fishing rod. Looks like they fell for it - hook, line, and sinker (upi.com)	(56)
	In memory of Bufu, please join the DC Farkers at 5pm on Saturday the 13th (fark.com)	(148)
	Woman's body found stuffed into a trash can and shoved under a truck in a school parking lot. At this time, police say they believe foul play could possibly be involved (kdka.com)	(85)
	Class, today we're going to learn how I stayed out of jail and in my teaching position for months while I had an active child molestation warrant (cbsatlanta.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)	Arnold signs executive order to smash server rooms, drive datacenters before him and hear the lamentations of the IT woman (govtech.com)	(129)
	UFO skeptic has encounter of the 231st kind. That's the one where you mistake a park sign for a UFO (metro.co.uk)	(63)
	Attention dumb criminals: Footprints in snow tip off cops (wtop.com)	(39)
(Some Guy)	Hypervigilant Berkeley recyclers actually costing city money as refuse department posts $4 million budget deficit. "We're a victim of our own success" (insidebayarea.com)	(116)
	Should you ever land a job working in your National Mint, make sure you learn how to spell the name of your country properly (telegraph.co.uk)	(51)
	Original Haitian death toll of 270,000 has now been revised to 170,000, meaning that 100,000 people are no...longer...dead...OH CRAP (ajc.com)	(340)
	Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially when she has pictures of your junk (thelocal.se)	(83)
	Five of your friends have joined the "killing your hooker so you don't have to pay her" group (news.com.au)	(68)
	Airport body scanners far more effective than anticipated (freep.com)	(629)
	Metamphetamine, cocaine, ketamine, and...all-night mahjong parties? With that much crank on board, subby can tell what's on opponents' tiles just by listening (guardian.co.uk)	(51)
(Some Guy)	Back in my day, we had to walk to school uphill both ways, a loaf of bread cost a penny, and our condoms were radioactive. Wait, what? (jennapetersen.vox.com)	(45)
	In some assembly projects, it's not unusual to have few parts left over. Usually that doesn't happen during an autopsy. And if you're missing a jawbone, deputies don't expect to hear from you (startribune.com)	(24)
(Some Guy)	What's about two years old, sits in the backseat of your car, and might be contaminated with lead? (insidebayarea.com)	(64)
	Auschwitz sign theft suspect arrested in Sweden, prays that work release programs have improved in Poland (torontosun.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)	Hospital staff, nurses, discovering that you can't keep Bill Clinton down (www1.voanews.com)	(24)
	NASA scientists announce ambitious plan to approach that cute girl from the laundromat by 2018 (theonion.com)	(49)
	Woman injured after getting hit by a cinder truck. Why couldn't it have been something softer like a pillow truck or a marshmallow truck? (mcall.com)	(30)
(Some Flabby Actor)	Photoshop an old movie with the same actor as they look today (betagirlblog.com)	(156)
(Some Guy)	Man loses job, stops taking meds, storms into airport with a knife then puts on a strip show (myfoxphoenix.com)	(32)
	"A lot of people, especially girls, don't like seeing guys with no shirts at parties," On what planet? (news.com.au)	(258)
	Cool: Using a front-end loader to clear all your friends' driveways after a big snowstorm. Dumbass: Yeah, he stole it (baltimoresun.com)	(36)
(Marty McFly)	Inventor of the "Pluto Platter" -- which thankfully was marketed as the "Frisbee" -- comes to the end of his Ultimate game (thestarpress.com)	(88)
	Snow could be on the ground in all 50 states, Hawaii included, at the same time. Where's your global warming now? (usatoday.com)	(485)
	Photoshop these robonauts (spiegel.de)	(30)
(great idea in last paragraphs)	TSA is on high alert for women of mast. reconstruction (politicsdaily.com)	(108)

Thu February 11, 2010

	The biggest crab ever found in England measures 10ft from claw to claw. And the amazing thing is it didn't come from Amy Winehouse (dailymail.co.uk)	(166)
(Some Drunk)	How cool were the 1960s? Two words: Whiskey Toothpaste (contexts.org)	(94)
(Some Guy)	Hey nerds, why work in a subterranean datacenter in flyover country when you can work in a subterranean datacenter in Hawaii? (govtech.com)	(84)
	Obese Children Twice as Likely to Die Before 55, so remember teasing the fat kid is for his own good (abcnews.go.com)	(161)
	Zoologists badger badger culls (news.bbc.co.uk)	(56)
(KRGV)	"Officers say they've had two meth seizures within five days of each other." They better go easy on that stuff (krgv.com)	(39)
	Designer Alexander McQueen is found dead in his apartment. He apparently committed suicide after watching one of his own fashion shows (nytimes.com)	(186)
(Some Guy)	Some Facebook users are so dense light bends around them (readwriteweb.com)	(237)
(Frank Herbert)	Photoshop this aeolian drifter (best-south-africa-tours.com)	(64)
	Nelson Mandela was released from prison 20 years ago today, hasn't reoffended (liveshots.blogs.foxnews.com)	(70)
(Some Guy)	Before the Recession: Credit Counselor, "How may I help you?"; During the Recession: Credit Counselor, "Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed" (journaltimes.com)	(54)
	Take nine inches of snow, add road salt, mix in an underground transformer and get a seven-story ball of fire in Manhattan (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com)	(93)
(KNWA)	New PETA billboard to read "Doggies multiply faster then Duggars" (nwahomepage.com)	(172)
	Marines in Afghanistan deploy 72-ton 40 foot long mine clearing vehicles nicknamed "The Joker". After one look Taliban won't have any trouble determining whether the marines are serious (abcnews.go.com)	(267)
	Beet juice mix helps melt ice. Beet juice mix helps melt ice. Beet juice mix helps melt ice (suntimes.com)	(98)
	What's round on both ends and a nexus of human trafficking in the middle? (washingtonpost.com)	(96)
	President Obama reports that 95,000 jobs, including the long-awaited Unicorn Herder, Leprechaun Catcher, and Fairy Wing Polisher, to start arriving each month (nytimes.com)	(339)
	Oakland is so violent kids are now shooting ice cream (kcra.com)	(103)
	Billboard magazine releases their list of the top 50 sexiest songs. Huh: Barry White not on the list. WTF: Akon featuring Eminem is (msnbc.msn.com)	(245)
	Police to pose as burglars by prowling in the middle of the night attempting to break in windows and doors then waking homeowners to give firm lectures if they fail test. What could possibly go wrong? (dailymail.co.uk)	(241)
	Australian farmers should use dynamite to control the rabbit population, according to top scientists at the ACME Institute (foxnews.com)	(65)
	St-st-st-st-st-study f-f-f-finds th-tha st-st-st-st-st-stuttering m-m-may b-be in your chro-chro-chromo- genes (abcnews.go.com)	(128)
	Paramedic develops new device that saves lives, trains future pr0n stars (cbs4denver.com)	(90)
(Worcester News)	Surgeon: "You know when you've forgotten something but you just can't think what it is?" Nurse: "Yeah, I know what you mean. Shall we sew this patient up and go for a beer?" (worcesternews.co.uk)	(115)
	"Teenager sucked through intake pipe". No, that's not a euphemism (news.com.au)	(75)
	"The shoe is believed to have pierced his eye, passed through his eye socket and touched his brain" (telegraph.co.uk)	(143)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this telecommunications officer (spaceghetto.org)	(67)
	60% of Australians have never looked at Internet porn, according to the latest figures from the Institute of Gullible Social Researchers (news.com.au)	(101)
(Some News from orway)	Want to immigrate to Norway, ranked as the best place in the world to live? Get in line, the queue is three years long (newsinenglish.no)	(324)
	School broken hearted over threat written in bathroom stall (thedenverchannel.com)	(100)
(WLBZ2.com)	Turkey vulture crashes through the windshield of a chopper and lands in the pilot's lap, waits for the landing before taking off. As God is my witness, there's video (wlbz2.com)	(92)
	Australia launches new investigation into naval sex ring. People will really do anything with their piercings these days (news.com.au)	(50)
	Man arrested after reporting his marijuana was stolen (kentucky.com)	(57)
	Artist makes statement with his sculptWHAT IN SAM HELL'S NAME IS THAT THING?? (aolnews.com)	(107)
	Fark: Man with outstanding warrant gets lost, calls police, who help him find his way to their station (cleveland.com)	(12)
(Some Guy)	While others argue over which religion kills the most people, Wisconsin man puts his church atop the little-known list of "which religion has zapped the most dance instructors with stun-guns?" (todaystmj4.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)	67-year-old may face jail for breaking and entering, under British Columbia's strict new "77 strikes" law (theprovince.com)	(8)
	Nanny State bans school students from exchanging Valentine's Day cards (news.com.au)	(55)
	Jesus Christ Superbud (chron.com)	(37)
(clickorlando.com)	Woman wins $15K in botched bikini wax lawsuit. I don't think she'll get ripped off again (clickorlando.com)	(83)
(Some Guy)	Georgia man, facing local Wal-Mart team, bats a thousand: in 29 at-bats, has 29 hits and one walk. One looong walk (ledger-enquirer.com)	(40)
	Eternal battle between douchebag bicyclist and douchebag driver descends to level of hand-to-hand combat (blog.seattlepi.com)	(223)
	It doesn't matter if you think a female office worker at the Vocational Rehabilitation Office is "digging" you. Don't whip out your erect penis in the waiting room when she comes to get you (nwfdailynews.com)	(59)
	Think of three women you work with. One of them watched porn last night and loved it (news.com.au)	(199)
	Tourists trapped 124 stories above ground in world's tallest tower. It sounds like they'll have Dubai new underwear (thesun.co.uk)	(62)
(Some Guy)	ProTip: If you want to buy someone's urine to pass a drug test, don't pick a third-grader (concordmonitor.com)	(47)
	Photoshop these boxes of budget (s.wsj.net)	(34)
	Jury takes less than 50 minutes to acquit man who sliced off the ear of an intruder who threatened his family. He's free to Van Gogh (thesun.co.uk)	(136)
(Some Guy)	The idiot's guide to airplanes (newslite.tv)	(85)
	Doctor in trouble for using offensive language, specifically the "D-word" (abc.net.au)	(158)
	Tommy Chong finds himself with a whole new world of problems (cnews.canoe.ca)	(69)
(Gainesville Sun)	Man charged with telling police dog to sit. In other news, it is illegal to tell a police dog to sit (gainesville.com)	(251)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 249: "Let There Be Light". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(240)

Wed February 10, 2010

	Botnet tries to kill rival botnet (computerworld.com)	(58)
	Time Magazine's top ten recalls of all time. Without looking, can you name four of them? (time.com)	(114)
	KFC is offering $500 worth of grilled chicken as a reward for information leading to the return of a bronze bust of Colonel Harland Sanders. "We think KFC's world-famous chicken is a better motivator than money." (news.cincinnati.com)	(102)
	Evidence suggests the Challenger crew's final moments were more terrifying than initially thought (msnbc.msn.com)	(522)
	Photoshop these muddy waters (inapcache.boston.com)	(52)
	New study finds that $1 federal tax on cigarette packs would raise billions each year. Complicated methodology involved multiplying number of packs sold by $1 (reuters.com)	(232)
	Everyone on the east coast should stop worrying about the snowpocalypse... it's the overdue earthquakes that will most likely kill ya (cnn.com)	(40)
(Some more blades)	"Virtual schools close to capacity." You're doing it wrong (channel3000.com)	(125)
	"Haiti gives death toll of 270,000; no explanation" One might suspect the earthquake (news.yahoo.com)	(95)
	Every art opening has a theme. But it's usually not "buy my art or I will dismember your corpse" (abcnews.go.com)	(34)
	Former Senator John Edwards and his baby-mama Rielle Hunter are now engaged (gawker.com)	(220)
	TSA couldn't manage to stop the underwear bomber despite all the warnings, but that white college student with Arabic flash cards and suspiciously short hair, yeah, they arrested him (philly.com)	(227)
	Open workplace romances are increasingly common. You still eat lunch alone at your desk (online.wsj.com)	(154)
	It's pretty difficult to maintain your credibility as an iron-fisted ruler when your mom is pushing you around (blogs.abcnews.com)	(22)
	Charlie Wilson's war is over (dallasnews.com)	(111)
	Joker boy charged for trying to make a pencil disappear. Why, yes, they are serious (news.yahoo.com)	(126)
	Newly released aerial photos of the 9-11 attack on World Trade Center (wbbm780.com)	(386)
	In Norway, they chase Google street view cars with fish spears while dressed in wetsuits (theregister.co.uk)	(73)
(citypages)	Minneapolis airport officials on lookout for man armed with a small stuffed leopard (blogs.citypages.com)	(30)
(Some Overweight Guy)	Overweight men have higher chance of surviving a car crash. That's how we roll (annarbor.com)	(69)
	Baltimore, D.C. officials decide it's a good idea to halt snow removal operations during snowstorm (foxnews.com)	(227)
(kdvr.com)	Bikini coffee shop owner accused of stiffing employees (kdvr.com)	(78)
(Some Who Dat)	Not news: flight cancelled because pilots were 2.5 hours late, News: and drunk, FARK: because of the Saints Super Bowl Parade (wwltv.com)	(39)
	Australia investigates foil roof insulation that works too well, keeping people warm via electrocution (news.bbc.co.uk)	(21)
	Study finds 46% of teenage girls are starving themselves in order to look like celebrity role models. Other 54% spotted hanging out at Wal-Mart (dailymail.co.uk)	(277)
	'Meat glue' approved in Sweden. Subby's dreams of living in a bacon castle might finally come true (thelocal.se)	(55)
	High level irony - paleography might become a lost art (guardian.co.uk)	(58)
	Do you know the square root of 81? No? PANIC (uk.reuters.com)	(291)
	A Federal Appeals Court has ruled 90% of the internet is illegal (www2.tbo.com)	(382)
	Feeling left out, Illinois decides to have an earthquake like everybody else (abcnews.go.com)	(238)
	Why yes, you may borrow my gerbil (stltoday.com)	(70)
	Photoshop TFer's friend meditating on a mountaintop (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(43)
	On today's episode of "Scared Straight," a 16 year-old ditches school and gets shot in the face (signonsandiego.com)	(64)
	Cheating in homeschool? That's 2 months of imprisonment in a bathroom (foxnews.com)	(140)
(Something in my eye)	Baby born without a chin now has the ability, and a reason, to smile (wfaa.com)	(84)
	Conveniently for NYers, this is the anniversary of the Lindsay Blizzard of '69 and a lesson in how NOT to do PR, as the mayor referred to some of his angry constituents as "those fat Jewish broads up there" (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com)	(60)
	Woman dies after elderly neighbor unexpectedly drops in for a visit (news.com.au)	(41)
	Police find Explosive Ordnance Disposal specialist too drunk to explain why he was throwing garbage can lids through his hotel windows (nwfdailynews.com)	(43)
(Some Guy)	Yet one more way to get screwed after you die (random-good-stuff.com)	(82)
(WLBZ2.com)	Dog saves family from a fire the cat started. At least that's his story (wlbz2.com)	(67)
	If you're looking for a good place to hook up, this Hindu festival could be just the place for you (metro.co.uk)	(66)
	British Ministry of Defence criticised for exploding 119 pigs for medical research, bacon sandwiches (news.bbc.co.uk)	(53)
(Kilauea)	Lava is nature's way of saying it's time to move (hawaiinewsnow.com)	(160)
	Over the highway and into the woods, it's grandmothers crack we smoke (seacoastonline.com)	(26)
(Some Guy)	It's not a Super Bowl party until someone loses a testicle (keysnet.com)	(73)
(Some Guy)	Man dumps liquid stink bombs and sprays 'Fart Spray' in a Wal-Mart. Half the shoppers don't notice a difference (kitsapsun.com)	(102)
	Quack medicine: Lame duck shows disabled boy how to walk (thisisplymouth.co.uk)	(29)
	When the police spot you stealing a backhoe, don't try to escape by driving it away down the freeway. You'll just dig yourself in deeper (azcentral.com)	(14)
(Some Brit)	47-year old teacher facing jail for going topless for teen (with non-topless pic) (news.ninemsn.com.au)	(118)
	Stephen Colbert: "Sarah Palin is a f*cking retard" (tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(805)
	Photoshop this artificial appendage (online.wsj.com)	(29)
	Illegal immigration dropped seven percent last year on news that US sucks almost as much as Mexico these days (breitbart.com)	(86)
	Thanks to union contracts, a Madison, Wisconsin bus driver earned $159,258 last year. Step to the back of the bus, taxpayer (twincities.com)	(336)
(Some Guy)	Woman charged with impersonation. Of Jabba The Hutt, apparently (myabc50.com)	(79)
	Georgia man arrested with $1.6 billion in phony Treasury notes. Authorities became suspicious upon learning that the man's name wasn't China (ajc.com)	(60)

Tue February 09, 2010

(Beaumont Enterprise)	You know how you have to break in to a store because all of the doors are locked? The same rules apply when trying to get out, Einstein. With video goodness (beaumontenterprise.com)	(89)
(News on 6)	Armed robbery suspect who continually threatened to kill employees described as 'nicely dressed' (newson6.com)	(42)
(Some Suit)	Photoshop this dapper gentleman on a loopy couch (contemporist.com)	(58)
(Some Guy)	Teacher hits student with clipboard. Student allegedly sustained bodily injury, shock, and injury to his nervous system needing X-rays, hospitalization and an ambulance (ocregister.com)	(198)
	Study shows older women have higher risk of having autistic children.... because the vaccines multiply over time in the woman's body states Dr. Jennifer McCarthy MD, PhD (cnn.com)	(198)
(Some Guy)	Those body-scanners, which will in no way invade your privacy, are being used to invade the privacy of Film Stars (prisonplanet.com)	(297)
	Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, and now Snoverkill (voices.washingtonpost.com)	(441)
(KRGV)	Couple caught with over 50 alleged fake credit cards. Multiple charges expected (krgv.com)	(98)
	Waffle House architect now scattered, smothered, and covered (mediabistro.com)	(133)
	Afghan army fills leadership ranks with experienced generals. They fought for the other side, but whatever (online.wsj.com)	(112)
	Family receives stocked antique liquor cabinet as a gift. Family has never heard of the terms "lock installation" (mcall.com)	(262)
(Some Scranton to Hoboken Guy)	Lackawanna Cut-Off cut off for Lackawanna (thetimes-tribune.com)	(139)
	Livestock truck crashes on highway, scattering cows, goats, pigs and chickens on the road. This article brought to you by Denny's Grand Slam breakfast (sun-sentinel.com)	(45)
(WHNT)	US Senator Shelby (R-ALzheimer's) releases blanket hold on 70 of President Obama's appointees after getting some attention, hugs (whnt.com)	(196)
(Dawn.com)	Taliban confirm that their leader in Pakistan is not only merely dead, he's really most sincerely dead (dawn.com)	(97)
(Hipster Puppies Tumblr)	Having ruined Williamsburg, bicycles, and sweatshirts, hipsters are now ruining puppies (hipsterpuppies.tumblr.com)	(275)
	Balls of steel: Taking a fire axe to dislodge a live bomb at 20,000 feet (freep.com)	(170)
	Rare coin dealer sues Google over address snafu. He's feeling lucky (tcpalm.com)	(77)
	UN very upset that some Haitian hospitals, which are treating patients with donated medical supplies and volunteer doctors, are still sending patients a bill afterwards. US insurance companies, on the other hand, are downright impressed (abcnews.go.com)	(107)
	Research shows how colors describe happiness vs. depression. The quest for the elusive fark greenlight finally explained (news.yahoo.com)	(45)
	If secondhand smoke hasn't already killed you and everybody you ever loved, then the newly discovered THIRDHAND stuff certainly will (mercurynews.com)	(278)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Fuji from on high (bigpicture.ru)	(51)
	Ukranian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko vows to challenge the results of last Sunday's election on the grounds that she is WAY hotter than her opponent (news.yahoo.com)	(174)
	Flanders man arrested for repeatedly making hoax calls to 911. Stupid Flanders man (newsday.com)	(52)
(Some Guy)	Researchers say your color preference is closely related to which careers you are best suited. Here's a quick online test to find out whether you should be a CEO or a carney (careerpath.com)	(314)
	A man, a pickup truck, a theft, a chase, a hospital stay, Panama (mcall.com)	(51)
	Australian court hears that man accused of having sex at a petrol station was asleep until some time after the act had started. In legal circles, this is known as the "English defence" (news.com.au)	(46)
(Some Guy)	Wankered barmcake chibs mate for choring his pushbike as he bought his favourite tipple (getreading.co.uk)	(86)
	Eating frogs, scorpions, lizards then washing them down with cobra blood. Survival in the jungle? Celebrity reality show? Nope. U.S. Marines taking part in Asian war games (dailymail.co.uk)	(76)
(Some Bad Pilot)	This plane crash was an unauthorized landing. Please, please remember to get prior authorization before crashing your plane into people's yard. Thank you (gwinnettdailypost.com)	(45)
	It's probably not the best idea to re-name the bus route through the heart of an Asian community the "yellow line". Some people take offense to that sort of thing (ajc.com)	(241)
	Police describe man who was robbed of his Visa card while attempting to use it to purchase crack as a "seriously stupid crackhead" (denverpost.com)	(44)
	Two fourth-grade teachers help students cope with stress from testing by handing out pill bottles filled with little mint candies. Hilarity ensues (www2.tbo.com)	(139)
	Millionaire gives away his fortune because it made him miserable. "My idea is to have nothing left. Absolutely nothing, Money is counterproductive - it prevents happiness to come." (telegraph.co.uk)	(297)
	Caption this lean-in (s.wsj.net)	(52)
	Cows now outnumber humans in New Zealand. EAT MOR CHIKIN (cnews.canoe.ca)	(62)
(Some Guy)	Democratic lawmaker gets knocked out because he was blocking the view of the belly dancers. Republicans want singles for tips. Not for the belly dancers, for the guy who knocked him out (newsnet5.com)	(97)
	Teen crashes car into school and then drives down hall, detained for not having pass (denverpost.com)	(40)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this colourful saleslady (i143.photobucket.com)	(31)
	For sale: one French aircraft carrier. Only scuttled once (in.reuters.com)	(142)
	"When an officer approached the man, he noticed he was shirtless and wearing women's pants with a hole in the crotch exposing his genitals. The man also was wearing his underwear around his neck" (azcentral.com)	(90)

Mon February 08, 2010

(Some Guy)	School secretary fired for speaking Spanish in violation of school's no-Spanish rule. ¿Espera, qué? (charlotteobserver.com)	(398)
	Our Iranian friends, in an effort to demonstrate their benevolent intentions, announce Feb. 11 unveiling of "Fist of Peace" (foxnews.com)	(402)
	"Sheen Remains Weeks After Port Arthur Oil Spill." I bet he'd go away if they offered him some hookers and coke (abcnews.go.com)	(82)
(Some Relic)	Photoshop your cell phone's granddad (s3.amazonaws.com)	(59)
	San Francisco finally steps up to help the people of Haiti (jamesfallows.theatlantic.com)	(133)
	Apparently the Battle of the Java Sea was so chaotic, the Japanese navy didn't notice the small tropical island moving around (boingboing.net)	(99)
	Hair extensions cause baldness (news.bbc.co.uk)	(76)
	Six shockingly evil things babies are capable of (cracked.com)	(210)
	Activists break out the ultimate weapon against anti-Indian violence in Australia: Vindaloos (news.bbc.co.uk)	(125)
	Twenty percent of adults would rather spend Valentine's Day with a pet than a person. Unknown how much peanut butter is involved (news.yahoo.com)	(118)
	Definition of parental overkill: waterboarding your four-year old daughter (abcnews.go.com)	(231)
	Study shows that actually being a parent may prevent your kid from being a fat, lazy, slob (health.yahoo.com)	(60)
	Dr. Conrad Murray charged with involuntarily manslaughtering Michael Jackson (contactmusic.com)	(131)
	Researchers are pfinally turning their attention to the health benefits of Ginger, Garlic, and St. John's wort. The pfacts are in: herbal pfixes are pfatal (nytimes.com)	(129)
	Rep. John Murtha (D-ead) (abcnews.go.com)	(633)
(Some Guy)	Scientists are one step closer to finding a cure for aging, ensuring young people will not know the humiliation of senility but will know the thrill of dying amidst a hunger and disease-strewn, overcrowded world (montrealgazette.com)	(122)
	Half-naked women protest Ukrainian election. In other news, Ukranian elections are awesome (news.com.au)	(165)
	If you're a veterinarian, it's considered "inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour" to put a dog's testicles in your mouth. Huh, who knew? (metro.co.uk)	(94)
	One artist's amazing miniature origami. I can barely see what she did there (metro.co.uk)	(64)
(Not Drew)	While Drew's recovering from his party last night, here are some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/31 - 2/6 (fark.com)	(11)
	Photoshop this red carding (cache.boston.com)	(47)
	GM is working with NASA on new space-travelling android. But they're still striking out on that whole warp-drive thing (content.usatoday.com)	(69)
	Once the province of the young and the hip, blogging is now considered as modern and stylish as spats and poodle skirts (news.yahoo.com)	(107)
	North Dakota, which has the lowest unemployment rate in the nation, has an exploding homeless population as desperate job seekers flood the state. Yes, this actually is a repeat from a Steinbeck novel (abcnews.go.com)	(140)
	God of Nerds Alton Brown picks the five cookbooks you should have right this very instant (online.wsj.com)	(261)
	Get your popcorn. Verizon blocks 4chan (gizmodo.com)	(804)
	While police work can include long periods of boredom, you probably shouldn't stage an armed robbery at a pharmacy you know to be under surveillance (news.com.au)	(13)
	City dog park comes complete with its own beach with replenished sand, offshore rip-rap barrier. Your dog wants sunscreen (www2.tbo.com)	(42)
	Cool aerial photos of Washington, D.C. covered in snow (myfoxdc.com)	(136)
	New research finds that beer is good for your bones. In a related study, researchers concerned that Farkers are damn near indestructible (abcnews.go.com)	(62)
	Have a Coke and a pancreas full of cancer (rawstory.com)	(228)
	Ain't no party like a Facebook party 'cause a Facebook party don't stop until your $1.5 million home is destroyed (metro.co.uk)	(155)
	Dead man found in landing gear. IT'S STILL WHEEL TO ME, DAMMIT (news.com.au)	(104)
	Sheriff's deputy finds out the hard way that his car wasn't as stuck as he thought (ajc.com)	(89)
	Massachusetts governor wants to fire toll collectors, replace them with surveillance system tracking and tolling every vehicle on Turnpike. In other news, Raytheon's check cleared (bostonherald.com)	(138)
	Caption this talk-show threesome watching the Super Bowl (i.usatoday.net)	(74)
	Elderly woman forced to crawl under cars to leave her house after CSX parks train in her driveway. Two months ago (upi.com)	(118)
	Jack Nicholson is considering a sky burial. Wait 'til the vultures get a load of him (contactmusic.com)	(71)
	Photoshop this snow throw (online.wsj.com)	(31)
	God's billboard wars are getting ugly (tampabay.com)	(481)
	Reason # 4559 to not trust a door-to-door salesman (nzherald.co.nz)	(61)
	A hard act to swallow (abc.net.au)	(42)
	Laura Chinchilla set to become Costa Rica's first female, rodent President (news.bbc.co.uk)	(68)
	If you have a temporary crown, some sticky poster putty, and a yellow highlighter, you too can fix a broken eagle's beak (denverpost.com)	(28)