Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2010-01-31

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Sun January 31, 2010

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(Some Guy)		Betty Crocker looking for new Hamburger Helper mascot as the previous one was evidently killed near the U.S.\Mexico border (wfaa.com)	(127)
		"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" offer only applies to monotheists in CA (stltoday.com)	(198)
		If Nancy Grace covered the Nancy Grace story (orlandosentinel.com)	(138)
		Photoshop this man of steel (inapcache.boston.com)	(40)
		Long Island makes a bid for its own tag as residents flee in terror from wild packs of... beagles? Snoopy unavailable for comment (nypost.com)	(108)
		Finally, we know what can be blamed for global warming: water. NUKE IT FROM ORBIT (io9.com)	(226)
		If someone punches you in the face while you're robbing an 83-year old, don't call the cops to report an assault (signonsandiego.com)	(34)
		The superstitions of politicians: Obama's strategist carried quartz for good luck, Indira Gandhi consulted soothsayers, and Pakistan's president kills a goat every day. Wait, what? (blogs.abcnews.com)	(72)
		"Baggage claim? My luggage has been lost. You owe me $200 for its contents and $27k for the bag. K, thanks." (cnn.com)	(214)
		TSA worker arrested for recruiting underage sex slave. Oh yes, then it gets weird (clickorlando.com)	(89)
		Billboards urge Massachusetts residents to buy their beer in tax-free New Hampshire, an act punishable by a year in jail if police ever run out of other laws to enforce (boston.com)	(103)
		Someone didn't read that somewhat intelligent cop's somewhat coherent explanation of why speed cameras are somewhat good for us (thenewspaper.com)	(121)
		A sweet slow news day. Remembering old candy bars to the left. Your own favorites to the right (online.wsj.com)	(336)
		Man gets permit to sell raw milk, but only if he tests it to higher standards than store milk, collects personal information about every customer, and bows five times per day in the direction of power-mad town officials (metrowestdailynews.com)	(132)
		WTF headline of the day: "Britain on alert for deadly new knife with exploding tip that freezes victims' organs" (dailymail.co.uk)	(126)
(KPTV)		Teen crashes into bowling alley. While car does not strike anyone, front of building is split open. Owners say timing of the accident helped spare those inside from any injury (kptv.com)	(63)
		Coast Guard takes a break from their busy schedule of, uh, doing, whatever they normally do, to fly two rare sea turtles from Oregon to San Diego (azcentral.com)	(66)
		A Montana family responds to criticism and harassement for flying their American flag upside down to indicate our country is in a "state of emergency." (billingsgazette.com)	(178)
		Scientists find that overeating is as addictive as cocaine. Except the high is nowhere near as awesome, and when you're done you don't end up in a hotel bed with naked strangers (abcnews.go.com)	(75)
		Dog decides to try his paw at being a polar bear, floats 18 miles out to sea on an ice floe (w/pic) (dailymail.co.uk)	(46)
(Some Guy)		Man tries to return Toyota to dealership because of gas pedal recall. If you're reading this on Fark you can guess what happens just before he gets there (2theadvocate.com)	(176)
		(sigh) Still no cure for cancer (abcnews.go.com)	(48)
		England is basically the pathetic stalky "friend" of America who will one day snap, threaten America with a knife and end up getting buggered in jail by a swarthy continent sporting a teardrop tattoo (cracked.com)	(200)
		What are the least God-fearing occupations in the county? That would be Hollywood filmmaker, scientist and journalist (except those on Fox News, of course) (news.yahoo.com)	(132)
		Missing person media panic checklist: Teenager? ☑ Female? ☑ Missing on vacation in foreign country? ☑ Caucasian with blonde hair? Um... sorry, no media panic, nothing to see here, move along (detnews.com)	(120)
(The Pulse)		The (somewhat) coherent cop newspaper columnist defends his (somewhat) intelligent defense of automated ticket cameras (chattanoogapulse.com)	(129)
		You would think with 238 pounds of pot in the trunk he would have had better traction. Weekend drugged driving trifecta now in play (breitbart.com)	(28)
		Photoshop this gas turbine rotation (inapcache.boston.com)	(30)
		Today's student cruise w/ 'buxom' chemistry teacher makeout brought to you by NYC (w/ "hmm, okay" pic) (nypost.com)	(190)
		Finally, there a good reason to spend $500 for two tickets to a hockey game (huffingtonpost.com)	(94)
		At least 5.4 million civilians have died over the last 3 years in a deadly ci... Oh, it's in Africa? Sorry, go read about the cool dog (nytimes.com)	(394)
		Head of Taliban in Pakistan killed in drone attack (foxnews.com)	(261)
		One of the biggest donations to the Haitian earthquake relief fund totals just $14.64 (baltimoresun.com)	(145)
(Blogspot)		Photoshop this rly fast owl (1.bp.blogspot.com)	(49)
(Albany Times Union)		Good Samaritan stops to help injured people after taxi flips over. Just kidding, he robbed it while the people were trapped inside (timesunion.com)	(29)
		Where does a 245-lb dog sit? Anywhere he wants. Meet Giant George, current Guiness contender for world's largest dog (dailymail.co.uk)	(179)
		Evangelical family gets political asylum in another country because state wouldn't let their five kids be home-schooled to avoid "anti-Christian worldview" taught in public schools (spiegel.de)	(529)
		Scientists discover that if a dog is truly happy, he will wag his tail to the left. Your dog wants a cure for cancer (dailymail.co.uk)	(72)

Sat January 30, 2010

	You're hoping to stop your kid from getting divorced. Do you c) give their one-year-old daughter blood thinners, causing her to bleed uncontrollably? (washingtonpost.com)	(63)
	NYPD leaves his marked highway patrol vehicle with a loaded shotgun inside running while he runs into a diner. What could possibly go wrong? (nypost.com)	(81)
	TSA launches internal investgation over assignment board with "Jeopardy" categories such as "our gang" (meaning African Americans), "pickle smokers" (gays). No word on who was assigned The Rapists or Anal Bum Covers (cnn.com)	(132)
(AaronHoos.com)	If social networking sites were college students, most of them would basically suck and the really popular ones you just want to punch in the face (aaronhoos.com)	(38)
	Unsuccessful raid on bingo hall by state troopers who lack a search warrant costs taxpayers $130,000. That's a Bingo (al.com)	(64)
	Women's Studies programs removed from Canadian universities: "These courses has done untold damage to families, our court systems, labour laws, constitutional freedoms and even the ordinary relations between men and women" (nationalpost.com)	(399)
(Contemporist)	Photoshop this spindly, wiry side table (contemporist.com)	(45)
(iReport)	Yes, we all know self-righteous 15 year olds are annoying. We all know CNN can be ridiculously annoying. But do you know what happens when you combine the two? (ireport.com)	(166)
	Texans raising a pickle by giant cucumber billboard advertising condoms. I thought everything was bigger in Texas (wjz.com)	(65)
	A car, originally designed by a coke-head, is polished to a mirror finish. Now that's efficiency (jalopnik.com)	(104)
	Throw out your Monopoly board, it's for squares and your old man. The NEW Monopoly is where it's at. It's CIRCULAR, people... CIRCULAR (gizmodo.com)	(180)
(Some SW Geek's Basement)	There's Star Wars toy collectors, then there's this dude, which we can safely assume, is single (with pics of jaw-dropping collection) (wackyowl.com)	(244)
	Ex-Edwards flunky says sex tape is "somewhere safe." Expect it on YouTube before the weekend is over (today.msnbc.msn.com)	(68)
	Overweight? Don't bother exercising or dieting, since it's all part of a British government conspiracy: "The endless message of 'eat less, do more' has never been proven using proper clinical trials" (dailymail.co.uk)	(124)
	Prison offers to reduce jail sentence for every inmate who "gets on all fours and forms an inverted V by pushing their buttocks high into the air." Really (abcnews.go.com)	(61)
	Jesus spotted in coconut, sermon on the Mounds anticipated (news10.net)	(98)
(Some Islander Laker Guy)	The world's largest island in a lake on an island in a lake on an island in a slideshow (treehugger.com)	(88)
	Photoshop this application (online.wsj.com)	(47)
	Yes Virginia, street lights DO fly in formation (thesun.co.uk)	(84)
	New York's Central Park sees sharp increase in rabid, aggressive, foaming inhabitants. Raccoons, too (cnn.com)	(31)
(Commercial Appeal)	Tall-ass baby giraffe born at the Memphis Zoo. (with picture goodness) (commercialappeal.com)	(37)
	Burglary suspect attempts getaway. In pedal boat. And boxer shorts (tampabay.com)	(16)
(Coloradan)	Your car's black box may record the fastest speed it ever traveled, and that high speed record may be used against you if you are ever in an accident (coloradoan.com)	(153)
	If you're going to talk to your terrorist buddies on your cell phone, make sure no one can overhear you... especially your fellow passengers. And be thankful they alerted authorities instead of kicking your ass all over the train (upi.com)	(78)
(The Pulse)	If you're going to drink, please don't drive. And if you're going to smoke pot, speed up and get the hell out of the way. Oh, and don't carry around 100 pounds of pot, either (chattanoogapulse.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)	Air Force Academy to open worship area for Druids and Wiccans. Quiddiitch matches planned for next term (usafa.af.mil)	(265)
	Tree-sitting protestors climb down after nine days. Wimps. Why, back in subby's day, we'd stay up for weeks, months even. And we liked it. Damn kids these days, can't even follow through on a simple protest (upi.com)	(39)
(The Pulse)	A (somewhat) intelligent defense of automated traffic cameras, from a (somewhat) coherent cop (chattanoogapulse.com)	(259)
	Subby knows robbing banks is a bad thing, but can't help root just a teensy tiny little bit for San Diego's "Geezer Bandit", wonders who will play him in the inevitable movie (cbsnews.com)	(37)
	If "Love it or Leave it" was still the name of the game, the U.S. would be a lot roomier country (news.yahoo.com)	(78)
	You too can plead mental illness when faced with $31 million in embezzlement charges (jsonline.com)	(45)
	Tennessee approves teaching the Bible in public schools. ACLU rep unsure of new guidelines, tells reporter "The devil is in the details." Looks like someone failed their Bible classes (upi.com)	(256)
	Pastor pulls a gun on his son and "threatened to kill him, his wife and family" because they don't attend church enough. Amen (breitbart.com)	(95)
	Residents of Mattapan neighborhood of Boston asked for library to give teenagers something to do. Years and $17 million later they're afraid to go to new library because it's full of teenagers (boston.com)	(83)
(The Courier)	It's 20 feet from the balcony to the floor below at the Prodigy concert, and no amount of club drugs will change that (thecourier.co.uk)	(69)
	Actual news headline: "Agility Competitions for Cats Gain Popularity". Your cat yawns, licks his butt, and goes back to sleep to wait for Caturday (abcnews.go.com)	(lots)
	Photoshop this enterprising biker (cache.boston.com)	(41)
	Would you pay $7k for a Prime Minister's butt? (abc.net.au)	(22)
	What begins with "f" ends in "uck" and kills little old ladies with a big hose? (thebostonchannel.com)	(82)
	Obama meets with congressional Republicans; Fark political thread breaks out (foxnews.com)	(365)
	Oprah held a half hour discussion with her audience after yesterday's show with the Jay Leno interview, and all of the Team Leno crazy cat ladies came out of the woodwork (tv.gawker.com)	(111)
	You know how some cops get free things from restaurants and shops? This officer does (wsbtv.com)	(42)
	From the Why-The-Hell-Not dept.: "Caligula" director to make his return with "38 DDD - In 3D" (avclub.com)	(77)
	CBS rejects gay dating website ad for Super Bowl due do not "fitting CBS standards" preferring man & woman relationships that end in a baby (money.cnn.com)	(189)
(sfbg.com)	"Mystery Science Theater 3000" creator Joel Hodgson talks about life after "MST3K" and his thoughts about jumping ship: "I lied to everyone, basically... I really regret leaving the show." (sfbg.com)	(366)
(Some Pilgrim)	John Wayne's Alamo Village for sale. Included in the offer is a free bicycle found in the basement (thealamovillage.homestead.com)	(58)
	If it makes you feel any better Vikings' fans, that hit on Brett Favre during the first interception should have been flagged allowing them into the red zone (sports.espn.go.com)	(117)
	Condition of missing lottery winner, formerly declared by Fark to be 'drunk on a beach in Jamaica,' downgraded to 'buried under some guy's driveway' (cnn.com)	(42)
	Obama admits that Democrats let some provisions 'sneak into' health care legislation that violate his promises that citizens who like their insurance, doctors can keep them (realclearpolitics.blogs.time.com)	(64)
(WinSuperSite)	Programmer alleges that Apple innovated on his award-winning Mac book-reading app to produce iBooks. Steve Jobs innovatingly hired away all his designers and coders and copied all his bookshelf graphics without paying him (community.winsupersite.com)	(101)
(Some Guy)	New York officials lift cell-phone ban after data shows it was ineffective in reducing crashes. Just kidding, they ignored the results and still blamed the phones (9wsyr.com)	(30)
	Having closed Guantanamo, convinced Congress to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell, and persuaded Iran to drop its nuclear program, Obama plans to get Justice Department to investigate the BCS (seattlepi.com)	(54)
	Toyota CEO Toyoda apologizes, apologises to customers for trying to kill them. すみません (abcnews.go.com)	(125)
(Some Guy)	Not only is Focus on the Family ruining the Super Bowl with the Tim Tebow ad, they run fake clinics with fake preganancy tests and fake ultrasounds. They faked the Moon shots, too (womensmediacenter.com)	(85)
	Newsweek needs some traffic, comes up with a new gimmick: The decade's most egregious airbrushing scandals (newsweek.com)	(26)
	If you are sexting a girl in China, I have some bad news for you (variety.com)	(30)
	The top 10 lamest rivalries in sports. Duke somehow fails to make list, sucks (spike.com)	(74)
	Sometimes a tunnel is just a tunnel, but helmets may be required if it's a Jiucyudong (popularmechanics.com)	(24)
(Some Guy)	You think it's cold today? In 1780 it was so cold that the British were able to drag cannons from Manhattan to Staten Island across a frozen NY harbor and deserters walked across the ice from Long Island to Connecticut (cuppacafe.com)	(31)
	Ric Romero reports people use more coupons when they have less money. Next week plans to break news that some shoppers prefer sales to paying full price (cnn.com)	(9)
	Jimmy Kimmel drops some more pwnage on Jay Leno regarding his whiny little "Oprah" interview (examiner.com)	(31)
	Atheists demand their constitutional right not to have to lick Mother Teresa's backside (foxnews.com)	(133)
	Douche Pimp thinks wire tapping may not have been the best way to find out if Senator was answering her phones (examiner.com)	(62)
	6 week old frozen puppy at JFK airport brought back to life with mouth to snout resuscitation by US customs officer (nydailynews.com)	(36)
	Photoshop this nice clean boxcar (flickr.com)	(35)
	"It's not like I killed an innocent citizen or somebody who was undeserving" (tcpalm.com)	(55)
(Inside Bay Area)	Police have to stun some naked guy twice to subdue him (insidebayarea.com)	(19)
	Government wants to make sure young students are taught about all faiths, including the ones where plants have souls and the dead must be eaten by vultures (dailymail.co.uk)	(56)
(Some Cheerleader)	Team Obama Head Cheerleader Nancy "Boom-Boom" Pelosi's been Livin' La Vida Loca on our dime (rightsidenews.com)	(110)
(Ynet)	Hot IDF chicks- breaking the silence of the systematic cruel violence, killing of innocent people and cover-ups in the Occupied territories. Farkers show up just to watch their butts jiggle when they write on the dry erase boards (ynetnews.com)	(88)

Fri January 29, 2010

	Rolling Stone guitarist Ronnie Wood checks into rehab for the eighth time. Keith Richards heard chuckling from the corner, "rookie" (dailymail.co.uk)	(10)
	"Wal-Mart" of weed opens in Oakland. Time to get the chips, Haagen Dazs, popcorn, chocolate, graham crackers with the marshmallows--the little marshmallows, beef jerky, celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch, and two pizzas. Yeah (npr.org)	(42)
	China threatens to cut America's allowance for selling $6.4 Billion of "f*ck China" to Taiwan (news.bbc.co.uk)	(78)
	Man did you say this weed was the shiat? No I said this weed SMELLS like shiat (azfamily.com)	(20)
	Miss America Live says that "Rush Limbaugh has exceptionally impressive fist pumping skills" (politico.com)	(41)
	Hypnotist defends groping one of his patients: "We could have had sex but I wanted to keep it professional" (dailymail.co.uk)	(26)
	Let's start off this week's TSG round-up by giving all of our contestants a big hand (thesmokinggun.com)	(166)
	Ok this is the first time I agree with EVERYONE ON THE LIST (spike.com)	(357)
(AARP)	Sexting isn't just for 12 year olds anymore, says AARP. "It's quick. It's right there. And nobody can hear you," says 50 year old who likes "naughty secrets." (aarp.org)	(118)
	In honor of Farker bufu, please join us on February 13th to celebrate his life (fark.com)	(92)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this carved character (bigpicture.ru)	(82)
	Your woman not giving you the twenty bucks she owes you? That's a macheteing...macheting...oh fark it, she got chopped with a big ass knife (kansascity.com)	(59)
(Eating Our Words)	If you own any of these useless kitchen gadgets, you should put your common sense card down the garbage disposal (blogs.houstonpress.com)	(527)
	How to fall 35,000 feet and survive. "If a feet-first entry is inevitable, the most important piece of advice...is to clench your butt." (origin.popularmechanics.com)	(124)
	It's okay to insult those stupid pasty-eating jerks known as the Cornish since they're not a real county anyway (dailymail.co.uk)	(66)
	New mothers found to be as much of a hazard driving as someone with BAC of .05 to .1 percent, or roughly the actual BAC of new fathers (news.com.au)	(80)
	Attention Chicagoans: today if you see your social security number and checking account balance blow by you in the wind, do not be alarmed (chicagotribune.com)	(16)
	Businessman indicted after investigators seize endangered elephant ivory from donut shop. Unknown if cops also confiscated bearclaws (latimes.com)	(15)
	Federal officials stop bringing Haitian earthquake victims to Florida because they don't want to interfere with the Super Bowl (sun-sentinel.com)	(75)
	Nola Fark Party January 30th at Madigan's (fark.com)	(98)
	"But his fraternity brothers took it upon themselves to continue the branding -- this time large triangles to represent the Tri Delta Sorority -- on his other buttock while he was passed out" (abcnews.go.com)	(317)
	Six sorority sisters suspended for spanking pledges. Giggidy (abclocal.go.com)	(198)
	Parents everywhere breathe easier as felony charges are levied against two dangerous child pornographers, aged 12 and 13 (thesmokinggun.com)	(225)
	Kids allowed to drink at home tend to drink more outside the house, says research from University of Duh (upi.com)	(72)
	Bill Gates issues a $10 billion "f*ck you" to Jenny McCarthy, pledging to research and disburse vaccines over the next decade (news.yahoo.com)	(390)
	Kansas jury says post 200th trimester abortion is murder (cnn.com)	(423)
	TSGs Friday Photo Fun. Match the crime with their occupation. Contest ends at 6pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(100)
	"While you are under anesthesia, a group of medical students parades into the operating room and perform gynecological exams without your knowledge." a) Bad dream b) Porn plot c) Canadian socialized medicine (theglobeandmail.com)	(292)
	Now that J.D. Salinger has died, many are asking what is stashed in the author's safe. Whatever it may be, don't let Geraldo Rivera open it (abcnews.go.com)	(82)
	Richard Branson unveils plans for a new "underwater plane", presumably after extensive consultation with the Italian Air Force (telegraph.co.uk)	(79)
	Defendant changes plea on jigsaw man murder, after the police manage to put all the pieces together (independent.co.uk)	(15)
	Women: Your biological clock is ticking much faster than you thought. Scientists say 90% of a woman's eggs are gone by age 30 (abcnews.go.com)	(218)
	Police find $1,000,000 in car's secret compartment. The money smelled of marijuana so naturally they confiscated all $200,000 of it (msnbc.msn.com)	(146)
	Not news: Kansas has an invasive species problem. Fark: It's alligators (examiner.com)	(58)
	Do You think global warming is real and immediate action is needed to save the planet? Congratulations you tree-hugging traitor, you are on Osama bin Laden's side now (news.yahoo.com)	(198)
(Some Guy)	163 MPH test drive ends just as you would expect - with smashy smashy photo (news-press.com)	(139)
	US economy rose at a 5.7% annual rate in the fourth quarter. Republicans: "This is an outrage" (money.cnn.com)	(324)
	Apparently it takes two Dartmouth professors to figure out that ski areas lie about their snow totals. Thanks Dr. Ric and Dr. Romero (news.yahoo.com)	(53)
	LARPers that could kick your ass (boston.com)	(396)
(News 5)	Congratulations Rey Maualuga -- You're now officially a Cincinnati Bengal (wlwt.com)	(45)
	Italy to open first prison for transsexuals, presumably to be called Alcatranz (telegraph.co.uk)	(88)
	Australia found to be the most sinful country in the world. Well, they did give us Hitler and all (news.com.au)	(152)
	London Fark Party in April (DIT) (fark.com)	(56)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this extreme close-up (pics.livejournal.com)	(52)
	1400 people airlifted from Machu Picchu after flooding cuts off all access. Tourists say flight over ruins was "more than we bargained for." Over Machu Picchu? "No...I don't think I'll ever get over Machu Picchu" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(162)
(Some Guy)	Woman spends a decade fighting the phone company for a 14-cent refund (abclocal.go.com)	(102)
(Some Guy)	Your 'Awwww' moment of the day brought to you by two ugly-ass baby platypii (dailysquee.com)	(56)
(Some Guy)	"God Hates Lady Gaga" - the douchebags at the Westboro Baptist Church parody "Poker Face." Yes, you read that correctly (muckmakers.com)	(278)
	This man is wanted for "escape - body only." The police should just wait him out, he'll have to come back for his head eventually (fdlreporter.com)	(21)
	Half of New Zealanders, even the smokers, want cigarettes banned by 2020. Apparently, the smell makes it hard to sneak up on the sheep (stuff.co.nz)	(41)
	You'll never have to buy a drink again after you fight off a tiger shark with your bare hands (abc.net.au)	(41)
	Disabled woman successfuly tackles and subdues raider, completely failing to amaze anyone living in Oakland (thesun.co.uk)	(29)
(Some Dumb Guy)	OK, kids, let daddy get some sleep in the play area at McDonalds. If the policemen come, just bite them, OK? (wkyc.com)	(17)
	Photoshop Theme: Where have all the cowboys gone? (images.google.com)	(40)
	"The Piper PA 32 landed on its belly and left a 6-foot skid mark on the highway." And a 1-foot skid mark in the pilot's seat (sun-sentinel.com)	(57)

Thu January 28, 2010

	Police officer witnesses man on fire, leaps into action by spraying him down liberally with an industrial-sized can of pepper spray (oregonlive.com)	(138)
(Some Guy)	First, it was the dictionary for containing the definition of oral sex. This time, it's The Diary Of A Young Girl for bringing up vaginas (thefrisky.com)	(219)
(Some Animal Hoarder from Texas)	Six tigers, one cougar, two black panthers, one spotted leopard, about 20 dogs, dozens of cats, reptiles, a diseased monkey, mice, eight chickens, geese, guinea pigs, six goats, miniature horses, Shetland ponies and a turkey (marshallnewsmessenger.com)	(112)
	Company mistakenly delivers 75 gallons of heating oil to house where family converted to natural gas a year ago. It's all fun, until the oil hits the basement (1010wins.com)	(124)
(Florida Today)	University of Florida has created a shark bite severity scale, ranging from "Just a flesh wound" up to "You stupid bastard, you've got no arms left" (floridatoday.com)	(75)
	Oh, I wasn't supposed to give those kids spinal taps and make up a connection between vaccines and autism? Was that wrong? (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(379)
	Proposal would rename Mount Diablo to Mount Ronald Reagan (contracostatimes.com)	(238)
	Driver pulled over and fined for blowing nose in van. "This is snot happening." (news.com.au)	(112)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this golden guy (bigpicture.ru)	(34)
	Man seen hugging and kissing a chicken. At least he wasn't choking it (abcnews.go.com)	(70)
	I've fallen and I can't get up and I'm too cheap to call an ambulance (desmoinesregister.com)	(241)
	For sale: Statue of evil dictator. No, not that one (news.yahoo.com)	(167)
	Today's drill bit left in a patient's head by a dentist brought to you by Tampa (wtsp.com)	(55)
	Argentina's president says pork leads to porking (news.yahoo.com)	(79)
(Some John)	"I am a free woman of color" declares preacher busted for soliciting a five dollar prostitute (indexjournal.com)	(154)
	News: Man attempts gas station robbery. Fark: With a fork (wpxi.com)	(72)
	Reclusive author J.D. Salinger dead at 91. As usual, he was unavailable for comment (wcbstv.com)	(662)
(Ladder 21)	How many times must the fire department respond to you house fire before the home is totally engulfed in flames? Apparently the answer is three (firehouse.com)	(112)
	Inside his jacket, officers reportedly found "a large knife, a window-punch tool and several pairs of female underwear." (suntimes.com)	(59)
	Construction worker dies after Forth bridge fall. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson after the first three (news.bbc.co.uk)	(86)
(Some Art)	Photoshop these gossipping grannies (bigpicture.ru)	(48)
	French rescue team finds another survivor, immediately surrender her to doctors (abcnews.go.com)	(82)
(KFAB.com)	The first 89 YouTube videos he posted of him and the kids smoking pot went unnoticed...but cops finally catch on after the 90th (kfab.com)	(90)
	Susan Boyle says home intruder "more scared of me than I was of him" (entertainment.stv.tv)	(59)
(Some Poor Teacher)	High school teacher offers hot girl $100 to disrobe in classroom. When she refuses, he does the only polite thing: he doubles the offer and throws in a free ShamWow (badjocksnews.com)	(405)
	Here is your monthly slideshow dose of misspelled tattoos. Come for the exreme tradgedy, stay for the awsome (huffingtonpost.com)	(270)
	If you get your car serviced in California you will pay the dealer whatever he demands to check your tire pressure or go to jail for six months for crimes against nature (signonsandiego.com)	(162)
	Aaah, the age old story. Boy meets girl, boy steals girl's heart (news.com.au)	(120)
	There is a surprisingly fine line between "thawing your car" and "blowing up your car" (stuff.co.nz)	(47)
(Some Guy)	"Investigators tell us the two argued over who would use the restroom first. Zachariah Hooper allegedly grabbed a gun and shot his brother in the neck." When you gotta go, you gotta go (krgv.com)	(42)
	Chris Matthews: "I forgot Obama was black for an hour" (huffingtonpost.com)	(562)
(Sandusky Register)	Today's "Man attacks Kroger store manager over crab cake prices" story brought to you by Sandusky, Ohio (sanduskyregister.com)	(73)
	"Douglas told the Vail Daily newspaper that his religion is similar to Christianity and that the use of pot is sacred to him just like wine and bread are sacred to Christians." Where are your brownies now? (abcnews.go.com)	(95)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this SpiderGranny (grampyshouse.net)	(48)
(Some Guy)	Bored with his mundane job, bus driver makes his own drive-in movie for his riders (kfvs12.com)	(21)
	Chicago is cancelling their 3rd of July fireworks show. THAT IS UNAMERICAN. WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THE FOURTH OF JULY...oh, I see (chicagobreakingnews.com)	(67)
(Some Lucky Guy)	Life imitates "My Name is Earl" (dispatch.com)	(45)
(A True Southern Gentleman)	Quick, someone post that "Oh Snap" flow chart, because Mr. JH Todd of 1212 Webster St. just got TOLD (lettersofnote.com)	(135)
	The recession has seen the street price of oral sex plummet from $60 last fall to $20 today..."we are in the most serious depression since the 1930s. This shows the magnitude of the decline. It is deep and it is problematic." (thestar.com)	(143)
	Country club voting on whether to allow turbans to be worn on their premises after Sikh community leader was refused entry to a party given there in his honor (nzherald.co.nz)	(112)
	As Subby wonders if Baltimore really needed another hood, a woman in a mall parking lot gets bitten by a cobra (philly.com)	(55)
	Portland City Hall evacuated due to burnt bagel, surrounding area put into lox down (denverpost.com)	(35)
	Having solved the budget crisis and allowing beer to be sold in supermarkets, the PA legislature wants to be the first state with a 'State Firearm' (pennlive.com)	(89)
	Now you too can enjoy US babies, even on a low-fat diet (newscientist.com)	(53)
(Some Truckin' Guy)	Soon there will be fewer places to stop along SC interstates. Thank goodness (lakewyliepilot.com)	(56)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 247: "I Like it Anyways". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(251)

Wed January 27, 2010

	Last week Hummer driver threatens cyclists on cycling website. This week editor of cycling website is strangled during road rage while cycling. Subby decides to burrow his way to work (stuff.co.nz)	(242)
(23)	California Deputy pulls drunken suicidal man off railroad tracks as train rolls past. With video (turnto23.com)	(77)
	The RIAA will not reduce the penalty for a Brainerd woman who shared 24 songs, ya you betcha (startribune.com)	(202)
	Pro-tip: If you're in the military and decide to go AWOL, don't steal an identifiable military Humvee. Pro-tip Bonus: Don't run out of gas (orlandosentinel.com)	(37)
(KRTV)	Ric Romero reports from Montana that poorly maintained cars more prone to getting stuck in snow (krtv.com)	(32)
	Fark: Hoboken SWAT commander throws a diva hissy fit at TSA checkpoint in Tampa airport. TotalFark: He was suspended for letting Hooters girls play with his guns in 2007. UltraFark: He's on a 2-year PAID suspension (nj.com)	(90)
	David Copperfield rape accuser arrested for falsely reporting rape. Again (abcnews.go.com)	(94)
	Your State of the Union discussion/drinking game thread. LGT pre-game and live stream, get out your bingo cards (abcnews.com)	(lots)
	What's cooler than cool? Finding out your newly purchased home has a previously undiscovered trapdoor and a hidden room (ajc.com)	(231)
	Photoshop this reversal of fortune (online.wsj.com)	(42)
	Woman kicked out of home for failing to keep a standard of living. She now lives in her car (azcentral.com)	(136)
	Passaic County SWAT team gets a $400,000 armored vehicle. It's airtight, with a 10-hour air supply, making it especially useful for driving down the NJ Turnpike (nj.com)	(102)
	Ted Haggard is "cured" of being ghey (nydailynews.com)	(295)
(Some Snobby Guy)	Stupid people watch more TV (collisiondetection.net)	(144)
	John Edwards and his hair are back on the market (abcnews.go.com)	(83)
	Ten percent of children realize that they are not precious, will not amount to anything in the future, and cause their parents to drink heavily (dailymail.co.uk)	(141)
(journal times)	Some reporter: "You've just been released after 28 years in jail for shooting the pope. What are your plans?" Mehmet Ali Agca: "Well, I'd really like to see the Vatican." (journaltimes.com)	(37)
	If the only way you can win back your ex-boyfriend is to have plastic surgery on your face to look more like Jessica Alba. Let him go babe, just let him go (dailymail.co.uk)	(151)
	Self-described "wolf woman" severs lost dog's head. Oh, and then it gets weird (mysanantonio.com)	(319)
	Manchester School District has decided only "economically disadvantaged students" will be allowed to go on holiday field trips to Safari parks and football games. Suck it rich kids (dailymail.co.uk)	(191)
	Judge denies Nancy Grace's motion, rules that she'll have to endure having a video-camera stuck in her face as she undergoes harsh questioning from a hostile lawyer (abcnews.go.com)	(234)
	US military is engaged in highly secret joint operations against Al Qaeda in Yemen. So don't tell anybody (washingtonpost.com)	(125)
	Guy explains to police why he has $2000 worth of marijuana in his trunk: "Man, you don't know how much weed I smoke" (nwfdailynews.com)	(217)
(Charleston Gazette)	Apparently, the duties of the Director of the State Historic Preservation Office don't include masturbating in a state vehicle in public (wvgazette.com)	(61)
	British death toll in Afghanistan may have reached 250, but it is tough to keep accurate count because of the tally ban (dailystar.co.uk)	(74)
	News: Quebec MDs volunteer to go to Haiti to help people in the disaster stricken country. Fark: They still want to get paid (cbc.ca)	(92)
	It's your official Apple iJesus Tablet launch thinger fanboy douchebag discussion thread (apple.com)	(lots)
	Photoshop this absurd art up for auction (inapcache.boston.com)	(34)
	WHO accused of overplaying H1N1 pandemic, My Generation (torontosun.com)	(152)
	Canadian government upset that police hired neutral polling company to analyse gun owners' opinions of gun registry, instead of smashing down doors and asking themselves (calgaryherald.com)	(179)
	The latest thing for upscale women with more money than sense: Doing yoga, then having "a multicourse dinner of pasta, red wine and chocolate" (nytimes.com)	(134)
	Iowa looks into tighter regulation of Everclear - Which of course leads to higher sales of Everclear (chicagotribune.com)	(172)
	Not so happy cows. Prepare to switch to soy milk after reading this. Not safe for cereal (abcnews.go.com)	(483)
(WPBF.COM)	What do burglars do after leaving a getaway vehicle: a) split up; b) take off in another vehicle; or c) sleep in a parked Jaguar nearby? (wpbf.com)	(16)
	Not news: You break up with your girlfriend. News: You're a D.C. Superior Court Magistrate and a lesbian. Fark: Your stalker ex is found unconscious in your attic with food and an ice bucket fashioned into a makeshift toilet (washingtonpost.com)	(130)
(KFAB.com)	Yes, your crib was recalled, but no, duct-taping your baby to the wall is not the solution (kfab.com)	(68)
	Judge rules that a woman's pursuit of acting like an ass at the Jefferson Memorial is grounds enough to toss her in jail. The outcome was self-evident (myfoxdc.com)	(144)
	Man fleeing police leaps through third story window, bounces off awning, hits ground running, runs until he has them where he wants them, turns around and draws sword to take on 20 officers with guns drawn (bostonherald.com)	(116)
	Man arrested after trying to crawl through the ceiling to spy on the dancers' dressing room at a strip club. What was he hoping to see, women with their clothes on? (blog.seattlepi.com)	(107)
	Douchebag of the Day goes to former NBA player Paul Shirley, for his advice to earthquake-ravaged Haitians: 'Maybe use a condom once in a while' (huffingtonpost.com)	(574)
	Daughter and dad are reunited after 50 years thanks to Facebook (mirror.co.uk)	(92)
(Some Guy)	The University of Cincinnati needs your help, and it will cost puts pinkie to mouth one BILLION pennies (wtol.com)	(53)
	The coolest time-lapse video of Vancouver you will see this week (youtube.com)	(80)
	Photoshop this tilt in the wind (online.wsj.com)	(30)
	Alabama's anti-gambling task force leader wins a Jackpot in Mississippi and resigns. Then things get weird (deceiver.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Although coats made from minks and foxes still upset animal rights activists, you can wear your nutria pelt guilt-free (mnn.com)	(57)
	When you've been busted taking photos of naked children at the local park, telling police you are "obsessed with circumcision" probably won't help your case (news.com.au)	(35)
	High school officials vow to fight suggestive dancing by videotaping offending students. Giggity (thesmokinggun.com)	(113)
	Born in August? Then flipping burgers and pushing brooms for a living are more likely then you think. Suck it Leo (dailymail.co.uk)	(127)
	Put away the tinfoil hat; someone has advice on how you can remove that alien implant from your brain. OR DO THEY? (io9.com)	(57)

Tue January 26, 2010

	Man fails to abide by the old "Never bring a butcher knife-pool cue axe on your bicycle to a gunfight" adage (news.yahoo.com)	(53)
(KRGV)	Case for 800-pound murder suspect moving forward, albeit slowly and with great effort, muffled grunts and profuse sweating (krgv.com)	(89)
	Woman photographs missile-like object emitting either flames or heavy smoke that appeared to rise up out of the ocean, but isn't sure what it might be. She's from Newfoundland so she's probably never seen a streetlight before (cbc.ca)	(133)
	After four years spent trying to adopt a pair of Haitian orphans, one Montana family finally gets their wish. Bonus: pic of one orphan seeing snow for the first time (billingsgazette.com)	(157)
	"Men don't cheat because their wives are ugly", they cheat because wives don't put out (cnn.com)	(472)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this balcony-bound guitarist (pics.livejournal.com)	(57)
	North Korea, South Korea exchange fire in no-sail zone off west coast (ca.reuters.com)	(90)
	US teen pregnancy rate up for first time since 1990 on word that your unemployed daughters have nothing better to do (breitbart.com)	(184)
(NY Observer)	Tired of people getting their news for free, Newsday puts its web site behind a pay wall for $5 a week. After three months, they have a grand total of 35 paying customers (observer.com)	(195)
	Haitian president says the situation in Port-au-Prince is tents (news.bbc.co.uk)	(74)
	Meter maids will ticket you if, while legally parked, you leave evidence of your habit of illegally parking (dailymail.co.uk)	(102)
	Priest accused of shoplifting butter, a sofa cover and I'm going to stop right there (abcnews.go.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Mulching program brings increase of 50% over previous year's mulch. This is a re-peat from 2009 (northfulton.com)	(52)
(Some Guy)	England boasts eight of the dirtiest, filthiest, raunchiest hotels in Europe. Say no more, say no more (tripadvisor.com)	(162)
	Asking for good workers? That's discrimination against lazy good for nothing slobs (dailymail.co.uk)	(167)
(Some Guy)	Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women, named official T-Shirt of NH economic development... Wait what? (wmur.com)	(131)
	In London, the AbbaWorld theme park opens and immediately rockets to the #1 spot on the list of worst vacation destinations ever (abcnews.go.com)	(75)
(OC Register)	Radiation machine errors leading to major fallout (taxdollars.freedomblogging.com)	(63)
	If you work at Whole Foods, you get a 20% discount. If you work at Whole Foods and are not overweight, you get a 30% discount.. Yeah, that's not discrimination or anything (consumerist.com)	(618)
	Three US soldiers killed this month. In Baltimore (weblogs.baltimoresun.com)	(100)
	Cold kills your mom in record numbers (msnbc.msn.com)	(45)
(OnlineAthens)	Would-be rapist thwarted by penis (onlineathens.com)	(380)
	John Travolta flies his private jet to Haiti, carrying the supplies the Haitians REALLY need: Scientology ministers, E-meters and all the copies of "Dianetics" they could ever want (abcnews.go.com)	(354)
(Some Guy)	100-year old pedophile sent back to prison. So much for a birthday greeting on the Today Show (skunkpost.com)	(126)
(Some Guy)	Family sues, saying their dad died because of his denture adhesive. Defendants say the lawsuit has no teeth, will just gum up the court system, and the family needs to get a poligrip (nbcmiami.com)	(33)
(a suburban rag)	Wife runs over husband with car after night at bar. With "damn right I'd buy her a drink" mugshot (lohud.com)	(121)
	TotalFarker Bufu died over the weekend. Please raise a glass of the finest bourbon you can find. Better if you can do it from a hot tub or with your dog. LGT TF'er profile (fark.com)	(697)
	Kinky sadomasochist or leader of the Catholic Church? Both (news.yahoo.com)	(94)
	Photoshop this man in the Moskva River in Moscow (online.wsj.com)	(53)
	Brits baffled by American love of gaudy land yachts (with pic of what a European RV might look like) (news.bbc.co.uk)	(190)
	Art historians now think that the Mona Lisa might not be a woman, but Da Vinci in drag. With pic of the Mona Lisa asking, "Who's awesome? You're awesome" (abcnews.go.com)	(121)
(Some Guy)	Humanity's hackers: the do-it-yourself biology movement (hplusmagazine.com)	(99)
	Immigration attorney to spend 8 months in prison for her efforts in finding new clients (chicagobreakingnews.com)	(44)
	Socialism, high taxes, and a national bootstrap shortage have led to a five percent increase in welfare rolls (usatoday.com)	(663)
	Bar penalized for serving an alcoholic beverage to a minor argues that jello shots are a "solid" not a beverage (press-citizen.com)	(139)
	Washington to deport two native-born Americans to China to be a part of a forced breeding program (gawker.com)	(41)
	Mexico is the new Australia, (in)mates (news.yahoo.com)	(103)
	Burglar breaks into construction company's workshop to steal their collection of pin-up calendars. Police are stuck to his trail (thelocal.de)	(19)
	The weirdest things people try to smuggle past airport customs from the typical "cocaine in the bra" to the unconventional "two full-length uncooked cow legs" (myfoxdc.com)	(79)
(Brisbane Times)	Australian man lands on the sex offenders register for possession of Simpsons porn. D'oh (brisbanetimes.com.au)	(213)
(Some Guy)	Wheaton's gassy manhole explodes, striking woman in the face (nbcwashington.com)	(134)
	Class - Pronunciation: \ˈklas\ Function: noun Usage: often attributive 1: See this link. (pics) (dailymail.co.uk)	(134)
(TSP)	Rock may beat scissors, but scissors beats tobacco shop cashier (thestarpress.com)	(21)
	Not news: politician's nephew is arrested. News: He was protesting dressed in KKK robes in front of the Australian Open. Fark: his uncle is the Prime Minister of Australia (news.com.au)	(58)
	Two crocodiles, named Paleo and Suchus, have been taught to listen for their names being called. This could come in handy; for instance: "Please let go of my leg, Paleo" or "No, no, Suchus, you're mangling my arm" (telegraph.co.uk)	(32)
	Aliens can't see the earth from space, but the Sun is still there (thesun.co.uk)	(86)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these sheltering Buddhists (fuckthemeat.com)	(27)
	Nancy Grace asked a judge to seal her videotaped pretrial deposition. Is worried that a media leak would result in the manipulation of her testimony via a "cut and splice" job. Hey, she would know about such things (thesmokinggun.com)	(185)
(WKOWTV)	D&D banned in WI prisons putting an end to wandering gangs of halfling thieves (wkowtv.com)	(368)

Mon January 25, 2010

	Terrorist organization PETA has mastered dreaded pie martyrdom warfare tactics (ctv.ca)	(111)
(Some Guy)	This is a Fark headline for the submission (faultline.org)	(lots)
	Absolute proof that ambidextrous kids are weird (msnbc.msn.com)	(129)
	Photoshop this way (flickr.com)	(92)
	Bill Gates says that it will take the U.S. years to recover from the Bush Administration, and it's going to cost you too (news.yahoo.com)	(432)
	Usher testifies he witnessed Kansas abortion doctor's murder. He says it left him badly shaken but was not as upsetting as that stupid "My Boo" song (abcnews.go.com)	(104)
	Citizens of Greenwood, Ind. are warned of a scam using a State Representitive's name to get $52 to 'save electricity', and the Indiana Utility Regulatory Commission figures that anyone who falls for that deserves to lose $52 (indystar.com)	(41)
	The shrimp we eat are a cocktail of chemicals such as urea, superphosphate, diesel, chlorine, rotenone, sodium tripolyphosphate, borax, & caustic soda harvested at the expense of one of the world's productive ecosystems. Bon appetit (alternet.org)	(248)
	Self-help expert who killed three people in a sweat lodge evades answers and talks nonsense about "spiritual warriors," "body purges," and "the female orgasm" (gawker.com)	(166)
(KOTV)	Five cows shot between the eyes in last 6 weeks. Suspect used small caliber gun, merely grazing animals (todaysthv.com)	(72)
(Some Guy)	Nebraska town has curie-ously high levels of radium in its water system (nebraska.tv)	(70)
	The Met to display Picasso painting from his "six-inch gash in the lower right hand corner" period (myfoxdc.com)	(143)
	New advanced prostheses making amputees stronger than normal humans. Now we have to worry if they are going to make them sexier, too. With a scary, but, you'd hit it anyway picture (popsci.com)	(317)
	Cu later "Chemical Ali." Officials now busy deciding where to barium (news.bbc.co.uk)	(121)
	Nancy Kerrigan's brother goes all Tonya Harding on their father (thebostonchannel.com)	(103)
	Add "sitting in a car that won't start" to the list of things that will get you a DUI (thenewspaper.com)	(445)
	Film made entirely by chimps airs on BBC. No, it's not Transformers 2 (article.wn.com)	(92)
	Not News: Books contain explicit words. News: Parent gets common book banned. Fark: The book is the "dictionary" (guardian.co.uk)	(277)
	A high class call girl plus some unexpected positions = Monday night. (Sponsored link) (sho.com)	(71)
	Fire department under scrutiny for their desire to buy a $34,000 speedboat. Come on, the water-locked island of Omaha needs this (omaha.com)	(67)
	Armed gunmen steal 150 ferrets. The cops otter catch those weasels (abcnews.go.com)	(71)
(Dallas News)	Were you burned by the housing bust? Do you owe over $100,000? You can turn that debt into a lucrative income stream. This is not some get rich quick scam, real people have made real money by becoming "credit terrorists" (dallasobserver.com)	(333)
	Australian government officials are worried that the latest method of cane toad extermination--suffocating them in bags filled with CO2--may cause suffering, so they order exterminators to go back to clubbing them with sticks for now (abcnews.go.com)	(65)
(Drew)	Haiti fatigue, Apple hyperbole and the Fark Betting Line for this week. Plus some of Fark's favorite headlines from 1/17 - 1/23 (fark.com)	(26)
	After a disastrous election for the Dems, the White House would like you to know that Bin Laden is going to come in the middle of the night and eat your soul (news.yahoo.com)	(89)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this armadillo lizard (i72.photobucket.com)	(32)
	We're gonna need more opiates for all these masses... 100+ church-goers sickened by drinking tainted holy water (abcnews.go.com)	(91)
	Australian Navy announces it has only one working submarine left in its fleet, asks you don't mention this to China and Indonesia (theaustralian.com.au)	(106)
	As it turns out, $5.4 Billion WAS way the hell too much money to pay for two apartment buildings-even in Manhattan (news.yahoo.com)	(134)
	Your honor, if the FBI had warned me I was a suspect I would have told more convincing lies so could I have a do-over please? (bostonherald.com)	(28)
	Woman claims her bag of potato chips contained one with the image of Mary. Officials doubtful, since it was a bag of Lays (myfoxdc.com)	(82)
	Current News: 18,000 Poles without electricity. Must not be utility Poles (cnews.canoe.ca)	(35)
(Some Canuck)	The only hot Phys Ed/French teacher in all of Canada has affair with 15-year old boy (with "she's 40?" pic) (badjocksnews.com)	(262)
(Salem News)	It's awfully nice to be able to give yourself a raise, especially if you've lost more public money than anyone else (salemnews.com)	(20)
	Australian soccer player facing charges of playing ball before the pitch was properly prepared (news.com.au)	(51)
	Caption what Obama is finger-reading from the teleprompters (d.yimg.com)	(232)
	Today's terrorist scare is brought to you today by, shakes magic 8 ball...cosmetics. Yes, you heard that right, cosmetics (msnbc.msn.com)	(64)
(Some Guy)	After hearing story of two-year old girl killed by a truck, Oregon inmates donate most of their earnings to buy a headstone. These dark cells won't let you see the tear in subby's eye (katu.com)	(129)
(The Market Oracle)	"What if there is a growing mass of college graduates who 'don't read'? We can see this trend on sites like Fark.com." Thiz quot appeers undur tha "Funcshunal Illiturracee" seckshun uf tha articul (marketoracle.co.uk)	(209)
	75-year old man dragged by stagecoach after barking dog spooks horses; last heard muttering, "well, that's the end of THIS suit" (azcentral.com)	(95)
	U.S. government considers adding historic Manhattan Project sites such as Hanford, Los Alamos, and Oak Ridge to national park system. Critics say idea is sure to bomb (seattlepi.com)	(73)
(Z-letter)	Caption this rather surprised little fish (z-letter.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this divided highway (s3.amazonaws.com)	(39)
	If you repaired your mobile phone with superglue how long would you wait before putting it to your ear? (ntnews.com.au)	(42)
	Jets crash in Indianapolis, Lebanon (cnn.com)	(75)
	Police discover that drugs are being smuggled into prison in cans. No, not like that, in tin cans (thesun.co.uk)	(30)
	Breaking in and attempting to rob a place = 1 felony. Defending your home and trying to stop a robber from fleeing = 2 felonies and a misdemeanor (buffalonews.com)	(287)