Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2010-01-10

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Sun January 10, 2010

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Flock of vultures eats woman's house and it's not even dead yet (content.usatoday.net)	(71)
		Mom's rule to 14-year old daughter: "As long as you are under my roof, and I am paying for the Internet provider that supplies this 'free' service, if you want to be on Facebook you will friend me." (daytondailynews.com)	(535)
		Woman shot during a screening of Avatar. Considering what she was watching, it's highly likely she shot herself (slashfilm.com)	(273)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this riveting scene (wickedfishgraphics.com)	(40)
(Some Uptight Guy)		"People are not facing the fact that porn is dangerous to the core. It sucks every bit of truth, contentment, honesty, character, loyalty, and reality out of the mind and soul of the one plugging into it" (kpxq1360.com)	(600)
(GET OUT OF THE WAY)		Weird: Columnist argues the National Enquirer should win the Pulitzer Prize. Fark: She kinda has a point (politicsdaily.com)	(103)
		Inmate sues Penthouse magazine on the grounds that their refusal to fulfill subscription request to prison address does not respect "his basic rights" to kill kittens (nydailynews.com)	(98)
(JC Floridian)		Mayor decides to take out city's brand new fire truck out for an impromtu joy ride. If you guessed that he ends up rolling it over in a ditch, come on down and collect your prize (www2.jcfloridan.com)	(91)
		Instead of silver bullets, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issue rubber bullets to a rancher dealing with wolves on his land (denverpost.com)	(258)
		In Britain you can now be arrested for writing an email you did not write, because it contains a word that rhymes with another word that some official thinks is racist, but no one complained about (dailymail.co.uk)	(319)
		San Diego has spent thousands of dollars on tsunami warning signs and are upset because the signs are keeping the tsunamis away (signonsandiego.com)	(106)
		Dr. Herbert Spiegel, credited with treating pain, anxiety and various addictions by placing people in trances may - or may not - be dead (nytimes.com)	(30)
		Photoshop this slick slide (online.wsj.com)	(44)
		Remember when Mexico decriminalized small amounts of all drugs and everyone said it would be the end of civilization there as we know it? Turns out they were wrong (azcentral.com)	(211)
(chicagonow.com)		You think your job sucks? Here are the worst jobs of 2010, and your sucky job will be clicking through the slideshow (chicagonow.com)	(279)
		Woman can only donate one kidney, but both her brother and sister need one. Keep this story in mind next Christmas when you're deciding how much you should spend on your siblings (buffalonews.com)	(95)
		International Courts: U.S. must follow international law. U.S. Supreme Court: Suck it. USA. USA. USA (upi.com)	(378)
		Town considers law protecting woman's right to choose how she does laundry (boston.com)	(111)
(Some Guy)		101-year-old man must say goodbye to his beloved elm tree that he's been taking care of for the last 50 years. Excuse me, I've got something in my knothole (mnn.com)	(108)
		FDA: Did you know the food you eat COULD KILL YOU? EVERYBODY PANIC (cbsnews.com)	(78)
		Funeral home gets early start on cremation thanks to drunken hearse driver (kcra.com)	(25)
(Fosters.com)		Dear God, If you don't want to have the church painted, please give me a sign. Amen (fosters.com)	(42)
		France's highest court rules that man couldn't be fired for downloading porn to his work computer (theregister.co.uk)	(122)
		If you only thought about sex a dozen times today you aren't trying hard enough (telegraph.co.uk)	(62)
		"Crime lord's fake penis falls off in raid" (news.com.au)	(76)
		"Youth in Revolt" producer proves that Hollywood's not out of ideas when it comes to marketing (examiner.com)	(206)
		Photoshop this masked crimson man (cache.boston.com)	(46)
		Nanny State: At this rate the people of the UK won't be able to handle anything sharper than a marble and more pointed than a 2x4 (news.sky.com)	(302)
		Next time the airline loses your luggage you can take solace knowing Alabamans are pawing through your underpants in search of a bargain (travel.aol.com)	(63)
		Superbear terrorizing Tahoe region is twice the size of a normal bear, bulletproof, evades traps and enters houses at will. Yeah, you're pretty much farked (sfgate.com)	(212)
(Longmont Times-Call)		USB-incompatible toddler upgraded from iCritical to iStable. Shocking new twist: parents claim USB cable was plugged into computer that was not powered on (timescall.com)	(220)

Sat January 09, 2010

	McDonalds looks to cut cows' gas, presumably by feeding them some other company's food (guardian.co.uk)	(40)
	Hippies trembling as 6.5 magnitude quake strikes Humboldt County, California (cbs13.com)	(336)
	Photoshop This Tokyo Tunnel (urbanneighbourhood.files.wordpress.com)	(78)
	The American Dialect Society has voted "tweet" the 2009 word of the year and "google" the word of the decade. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go kill myself (upi.com)	(131)
	Hamsters exhibit the same drinking patterns as humans. Still no cure for cancer, hangovers (thestar.com)	(72)
(Troy Messenger)	If anybody can make hide or hair out of this story, please post to the right (troymessenger.com)	(182)
	Occasionally a fashion magazine will "break the mold" and feature plus size models. Here's to V magazine, who have vaporized the mold, buried the pieces on 5 different continents, and defy you to ask for it back (nytimes.com)	(837)
	Bad astronomer. BAD (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(202)
	Further proof that the History Channel is run by rednecks (history.com)	(249)
	Iranian President Ahmadinejad slams tiny fist down, demands compensation for WWI and WWII. No, seriously (foxnews.com)	(193)
	If the thought of getting stuck on Gilligan's Island scares you, you might just want to keep that to yourself (komonews.com)	(94)
(Some Guy)	Some Texas city mayor opens cold weather shelter for pets for this recent arctic cold front, is having police cite owners for cruelty if any pets seen left chained outside at this time (valleycentral.com)	(226)
	Arab and Jewish chefs unite to cook record hummus in hopes of creating whirled peas (news.com.au)	(64)
(Daily Telegraph)	Horrified reporters find some people drive as fast as 70 mph in a 55 zone on the freeway. It's like the country is full of criminals (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(223)
(Contemporist)	Photoshop this knotty lampshade (contemporist.com)	(71)
	Europe's current cold snap is so severe, that even the Norwegians-the ancestors of the people that voluntarily migrated to Minnesota-are complaining (news.yahoo.com)	(223)
(The Oatmeal)	In case you're wondering how long it would take for you to become infected from a zombie bite, this handy calculator will tell you. Subby clocks in at...1hr 13min, holy crap (theoatmeal.com)	(233)
	Self-important ass-douche who caused the shutdown of Newark Liberty Airport has been identified and arrested. He's a doctoral student at Rutgers who had to be at the gym in 26 minutes (suntimes.com)	(366)
	Travel tip: Airline crews are just a little jumpy right now, so it is a really bad time to get drunk on a flight and lock yourself in the bathroom-particularly if your first name happens to be Muhammad (news.yahoo.com)	(74)
	Belief in global warming drops from 71% to just 57% in a year. Something about record cold winters and mild summers the past two years may have something to do with it (news.yahoo.com)	(901)
	It's snowing in Orlando. It's not news, it's---well, yeah, that is news (wesh.com)	(186)
	The hell with flying cars. Horny scientists have finally invented sexbots. Yes, sexbots (abcnews.go.com)	(566)
(Some Weather Guy)	News: Frosty feline found frozen. Fark: Kitteh recovers in time for Caturday (www1.whdh.com)	(lots)
	Scientologists move in on Southern Baptist Convention's home turf. This should end well (content.usatoday.com)	(105)
(Some Guy)	Outraged cyclists ask Facebook to remove group promoting violence against bicyclists. In accordance to their Terms of Use, Facebook complies. Just kidding. Facebook: "Hit the road, hipsters" (sf.streetsblog.org)	(328)
	Photoshop this virtual reality vehicle (cache.gawker.com)	(33)
(FrontPage)	Foreign criminals be warned: if you commit a serious crime in Norway, you'll never escape the lifetime of free pension, welfare, and health insurance they'll hand you upon your release (frontpagemag.com)	(111)
(Some Guy)	DC cops can arrest women for carrying more than two condoms. Like your mom (lafiga.firedoglake.com)	(133)
(Weather.com)	Cold weather in parts of Florida causes strange items to seemingly fall from the sky: iguanas (video) (weather.com)	(34)

Fri January 08, 2010

	Having sex twice a week reduces chance of heart attack by half - unless her husband walks in on you (telegraph.co.uk)	(124)
(kste)	I won't have Grandpa's boner shoved down my throat (kste.com)	(163)
	TSA guard who was responsible for the Newark airport security snafu described as a "model employee." Which pretty succinctly defines the problem (nj.com)	(88)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this log pile (grampyshouse.net)	(46)
	Wild turkey blamed for power outage, most bad decisions (kcra.com)	(36)
	Virginia Civil War dispute ends in courtroom stalemate. The combatants vow to fight on, with one saying, "If at first you don't secede...." (denverpost.com)	(139)
	Was your New Year's Resolution to avoid being in TSG's Weekly Mugshot Roundup? Make sure you're not one of these 16 lovely mugs (thesmokinggun.com)	(249)
	The 1982 Tylenol killer may soon be behind bars. Now maybe I can take something for this damned headache (abcnews.go.com)	(114)
	Man arrested for fondling himself at a Chicago Starbucks. Frap frap frap (suntimes.com)	(111)
	She's not bad; she's just nipped, tucked, cut, sliced, lipoed, dyed and sculpted that way (metro.co.uk)	(364)
	Man plans to save President Obama from armed revolution by Mormon extremists, if they just let him out of jail (mercurynews.com)	(69)
	Teenage Scottish girl accuses two others of attacking her in the locker room, and calling her a slut, and pulling her hair, and... and... BRB (news.scotsman.com)	(200)
	"Black" (abcnews.go.com)	(347)
	Photoshop challenge: Create a road sign that needs to be made (images.google.com)	(138)
	MP Robinson, you're trying to seduce me... aren't you? (dailymail.co.uk)	(62)
	♫ The best part of waking up is not having to undergo an autopsy ♫ (metro.co.uk)	(48)
	No, you're not the only one who's annoyed when the grocery cashier asks if you want to donate a dollar to charity and you say "no" and feel like a douche even though you aren't (online.wsj.com)	(522)
(Journal Star)	... it turns out they were stopping every driver, driving east on the westbound lanes of the Interstate. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong (journalstar.com)	(90)
	James Carville: airport scanners can "measure my penis," Oh Jesus, God no (washingtonscene.thehill.com)	(284)
(Some Guy)	Activists Missing After Declaring "War on Leather" at Motorcycle Rally (glossynews.com)	(141)
	Pennsylvania adds table games to its casinos, giving you something to do while grandma plays the penny slots (philly.com)	(120)
(Drew)	Farkette Carrie Vaughn releases new book, getting the shaft from soon-to-be-former publisher (fark.com)	(254)
	No, no, no....its screw LIKE a rabbit (bostonherald.com)	(163)
(WKRC in Cincinnati)	Not News: Car crashes into home. News: Driver is reporter for local TV station. FARK: It's their traffic guy (local12.com)	(69)
	I'm coming at this with an open kimono, but we should probably touch base offline because you definitely need a bite of the reality sandwich (telegraph.co.uk)	(213)
	A 25 year project restores scientology artificacts. Included: Thousands of L. Ron Hubbard speeches. Not included: Travolta and Cruise's career (abcnews.go.com)	(105)
	TSG's Friday Photo Fun brings in the new year with two Fark favorites. Rock n Roll and bacon. Contest ends at 6pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(88)
	When some people see men out on a frozen pond fishing from a stretch limo, they ask, "why?" Andy Giza asks, "why not?" (telegram.com)	(49)
	Hello, 999? Yeah, it's stuck in a metal pipe this time (metro.co.uk)	(166)
(Some Martyr)	Taliban safehouse suffers from from sudden nonlinear catastrophic structural exasperation (www1.voanews.com)	(110)
(Some Guy)	Woman arrested for stabbing a door twice and then setting fire to a chair. No word on what her problem is with inanimate objects (goerie.com)	(79)
(Halifax Courier)	Obi-Wan Kenobi -- the same man that single handedly dispatched a criminal with a death sentence on twelve systems -- has his lightsabre stolen on way home from fancy dress party (halifaxcourier.co.uk)	(104)
(North Country Gazette)	When your girlfriend says she's making you a wine coolant, don't drink it (northcountrygazette.org)	(104)
	Asking 75-year olds to take college classes does not turn luxury retirement condos into school dormitories for purposes of zoning law. Nice try, though (metrowestdailynews.com)	(28)
	Not to be outdone by its friends in the north, Atlanta has its annual 27-car pileup (11alive.com)	(115)
	Parents discover their toddler is not USB compatible. Third degree burn compatible sure, but USB compatible, not so much (denverpost.com)	(362)
	This understated yet powerful Cabernet Sauvignon, with its aggressive flavor, bold aroma, and strong color, is the wine of choice for home invasion victims. Enjoy it in a glass or smashed against an intruder's head (mcall.com)	(67)
	CT Fark Party 1/16/10, 7pm, Wood-N-Tap in Southington (fark.com)	(18)
	Photoshop this girl and her suitcase (farm1.static.flickr.com)	(59)
	Boy is let off with a warning after stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil. Teachers union insists that there be stricter punishment, No. 2 ways about it (express.co.uk)	(135)
(Edmonton Sun)	Thief rips off elderly blind and deaf man, several pinball machines missing (edmontonsun.com)	(44)
	"Listen, I think there's a big misunderstanding here. I said that I want you to TOW me" (cnews.canoe.ca)	(38)
	Mexico demands that Starbucks pay them for the use of ancient Aztec images. Starbucks considers serving only decaf in Mexico until the country chills the fark out (money.canoe.ca)	(149)
	Man who posed as MTV producer to have sex with boys gets 55 years in prison. He'll soon be starring in such prison shows as MTV Plugged and The Holes (suntimes.com)	(70)
	San Francisco city supervisor kicks off city meeting by using 'F' word, vows to use it at every public gathering for rest of year (cbs5.com)	(157)
	Quadriplegic crosses Atlantic. Of course, his friends call him "Bob" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(59)
	The coolest pictures you'll see all day of the ice palace city in Harbin, China (boston.com)	(70)
	Man charged with attempted murder after he "tried to shoot urinating Indian" with an airgun (news.com.au)	(81)
	Overturned semi full of cattle stuck on median in Iowa. Hazardous conditions preventing rescue. Friday's Iowa headline: Huge Self-serve Frozen Beef Sale (desmoinesregister.com)	(70)
	Photoshop these tasty fruits (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(26)
(Some Guy)	As one of the worst winters in 100 years grips the country, climate experts are still trying to claim the world is growing warmer (dailyexpress.co.uk)	(671)
	CDC warns that H1N1 is still causing hospitalizations and death. EVERYBODY PANIC AGAIN (cnn.com)	(112)
	Man arrested for drunken snowblowing. Otherwise known as Thursday in Canada (upi.com)	(54)

Thu January 07, 2010

	85 people get sick from salmonella linked to pet frogs. Fortunately none of them croaked (sltrib.com)	(38)
	Celebrity psychiatrist attacked by white supremacist killer while visiting jail, reinforces the old adage "stay away from any guy with a swastika carved into his forehead" (bostonherald.com)	(119)
	Oklahoma boy says mom, her friend beat him over food. With "Ya'll don't look like you've missed many meals" mugshots (tulsaworld.com)	(96)
	Neighbor demands swing set back, won't let it slide (sltrib.com)	(25)
	Apparently cops aren't allowed to detain a lactating woman and fondle her until she squirts milk into a glove (orlandosentinel.com)	(176)
	In honor of the plucky Mars rovers' 7th year on the Red Planet, photoshop these rover tracks (en.wikipedia.org)	(106)
	Ohio police looking for two bank robbers, possibly under five feet tall and jamming out to Hannah Montana (abcnews.go.com)	(135)
	Loch Ness monster death rumors dismissed as completely unbelievable, unsubstantiated, and obviously beyond the realm of any rational thought (news.com.au)	(94)
(Doritos)	Step 1: Vote. Step 2: ? Step 3: Go to the Super Bowl. Wait what? (Sponsored link) (crashthesuperbowl.com)	(76)
	Fahrenheit -52: the temperature at which North Dakota becomes interesting (news.yahoo.com)	(466)
	After politeness got them nowhere, Canadian university gets permission to evict disabled student from dorm. Reason: He graduated in 1993 (vancouversun.com)	(184)
	Corrupt calorie counts in common cheap cheesy choices chafe calorie conscious (abcnews.go.com)	(136)
(Some Guy)	Apparently Russians can't afford furry costumes, so they do the next best thing (NSFW) (fishki.net)	(208)
	After a year with six employees killed, the worst crash in its history, and too many safety violations to count, DC Metro allows independent investigators on its tracks. And nearly kills all of them in one fell swoop with a speeding train (washingtonpost.com)	(119)
	Four out of five detainees released from Gitmo don't go on to join militant groups (news.yahoo.com)	(245)
(The Sun News)	Rule #2 when arguing with a your batshiat crazy, steam iron wielding girlfriend: Don't taunt her with crackers and/or loose change (thesunnews.com)	(98)
(Missoulian)	Rule #1 when arguing with a your batshiat crazy, hatchet wielding drunk girlfriend: Don't (missoulian.com)	(254)
	Falling dolphin injures sea-world trainer, possibly on porpoise (news.com.au)	(66)
	Working for the public defender's office has its perks. Especially if your boyfriend is in jail and needs a little sex and some weed (wtsp.com)	(66)
	Its all fun and games until one of the girls falls off one of the poles and gets hurt (wtsp.com)	(113)
	Shooting at transformer factory in St. Louis, decepticons suspected (cnn.com)	(420)
	Mobile phone radiation protects mice from Alzheimer's. Now if we could just get them to stop driving while texting (news.bbc.co.uk)	(47)
	Photoshop this lonely tree (i216.photobucket.com)	(92)
	Everyone hoped the 1952 time capsule buried by city health officials would give us a glance at long forgotten medical techniques and knowledge. Instead it may give us shortness of breath and respiratory failure (myfoxdc.com)	(115)
(NBCNewYork.com)	Sir / Madam, congratulation to you. You have selected to win $165 Mega Millions lotery. We have gotten the approval to send your check to you, but we need $1 million for check to be issued. Signed, Suffolk County, NY (nbcnewyork.com)	(221)
(Some Guy)	Judge sentences man to 10 years in prison for 'massaging the meat' in the supermarket. To the cop on steakout: well done (failuremag.com)	(154)
	Yah mon, authorities want to apprehend the "Rasta Robber" who has the community locked in dread (khou.com)	(28)
	"A Department of Natural Resources report says hunters shot 10 buildings. That's down from 25 in 2008, 19 in 2007 and 15 in 2006" (twincities.com)	(136)
(justnews.com)	"I knew of a gentleman who was collecting them off the street... and all of a sudden these things are coming alive, crawling on his back and almost caused a wreck." Yeah, it's frozen iguana season again (justnews.com)	(66)
	New Mexico funeral home now offers zombie take out (azfamily.com)	(69)
	Romanian woman didn't know that her husband hid $57,768 in some old footwear. Hilarity in shoes (abcnews.go.com)	(66)
	Caption this polar bear (blogs.herald.com)	(42)
	Taliban bus fails to maintain 50 mph (afghanistan.blogs.cnn.com)	(180)
(Some Guy)	Doctors would like to remind you that drinking vinegar will not necessarily make you look like Megan Fox (heraldsun.com.au)	(170)
	Naked jogger with suspicious package stopped near the White House (washingtonpost.com)	(48)
	92-year-old man crashes car into busy restaurant, steps out, sits at table, orders and eats his breakfast (wesh.com)	(131)
	Bow before your baby panda overlord (huffingtonpost.com)	(52)
	Cops press charges against Dad for puting his seven year old in dryer. Police claim the kid's tag clearly states dry clean only (foxnews.com)	(46)
	High school baseball coach encourages players to masturbate instead of having sex, and to ignore that little red LED over there (nj.com)	(53)
(Some Guy)	After deciding it was too hard to dismantle for scrap metal, man decides to get rid of trailer by setting it on fire. "The man said he didn't have a plan to contain the fire, expecting the rain to prevent its spread" (kitsapsun.com)	(17)
	School district thinks 24-year-old teacher's aide should resign because she has lost her credibility now that students have seen her naked....wait, what? (abclocal.go.com)	(231)
	Broke, dead-beat dad presumed dead after vanishing. Oh, did we mention he won $16.9 million in the lottery and wanted to move to Jamaica? Meh, that doesn't really factor into this. He's dead (google.com)	(60)
	Photoshop this flame from a face (spiegel.de)	(43)
	2010 census form includes "negro" as race option. Census Bureau apologizes for error, promises to change option to "attractive and successful African American" (wcbstv.com)	(374)
	Study finds 48% of drinks tested from fast food soda fountains contain fecal bacteria. And you were just worried about that special sauce (abcactionnews.com)	(128)
	Nagging your husband is not a crime - or at least that's what my wife tells me over and over and over again (telegraph.co.uk)	(42)
	Oregon Air National Guard scrambled two F-15 fighter jets after a passenger on a Hawaiian Airlines jet to Maui refused to let go of his carry-on bag and passed a "disturbing note" to a flight attendant (abcnews.go.com)	(181)
	Do you know where your kids are? If not, maybe you'll find them at the house of your friend's ex-wife while you're there with him to beat up her new boyfriend... just sayin' (hosted.ap.org)	(29)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 244: "Animals" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(323)

Wed January 06, 2010

	To Won Feng, thanks for everything, FDA (knoxnews.com)	(143)
	Ad for gym has some up in arms. "When the aliens come, they will eat the fatties first." (dailymail.co.uk)	(206)
(Some Guy)	"Driving Instructor Critical After Student Crashes." What did the student expect, compliments? (wbztv.com)	(69)
	Photoshop this dock on the bay (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(57)
	Virgin agrees to deport Mexican immigrants to ease California overcrowding (abcnews.go.com)	(147)
(Miami Herald)	Free ID found, sold. Free convict uses Free ID for 32 years, worry free. Convict now no longer free or Free, while Free concern free. See? (miamiherald.typepad.com)	(58)
	Nanotech researchers complete violin study (abcnews.go.com)	(59)
(Some Guy)	After a laundry room dispute, an elderly man goes for his slingshot. Other tenants say he's a real menace (970wfla.com)	(54)
	When exiting your vehicle after a crash, be alert and ready to jump out of the way of oncoming traffic. Unless you are on a bridge (fox4kc.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)	Michelle Obama stimulating the economy in her own way by having 26 servants at her disposal at a cost of more than 1.5 million dollar a year. All paid for by the loving US Taxpayers (canadafreepress.com)	(648)
	Doctor decides that Mona Lisa had high cholesterol. Because if there's one thing better for society than curing cancer, its diagnosing irrelevant medical problems in people who've been dead for 500 years (news.bbc.co.uk)	(48)
	Snowed-in Brits fight frigidity with philandering (uk.reuters.com)	(30)
	Richard Dawkins, creationists are wrong: everything evolves not because of selfish genes or intelligent designs, but because DNA is hardwired that way (news.bbc.co.uk)	(1037)
	6,000,002 (news.bbc.co.uk)	(321)
	Canadian govt : We'll arrest and fine anyone who collect lobsters that washed up on the beach because they weren't caught under license. Mayor of St John: STFU and pass the melted butter (upi.com)	(110)
	Relax everyone and don't sell that hummer just yet. They just found a massive oil reservoir that stretches from Africa to South America (finance.yahoo.com)	(348)
	Sheriff Joe Arpaio sends an anchovie pizza to a newspaper columnist everytime the guy writes an article the sheriff doesn't like. "Thanks for another negative story about me." (azcentral.com)	(136)
	A 5 foot, 1 inch tall man wearing a mask accused of robbing a Wendy's. Last heard muttering, "robble, robble" (kansascity.com)	(26)
(Some Guy)	Headline: "Holy Cross faculty beat seniors for charity". Worst. Charity. Ever (queenscourier.com)	(30)
	Study reveals that Autism is caused by high concentrations of educated, affluent, white parents (npr.org)	(183)
(Chronicle Herald)	Mr. Tillmann was also charged in 2008 with assault with a deadly pencil (thechronicleherald.ca)	(14)
	World's only certified double atomic bombing survivor dies. Friends will miss his healthy glow and electric personality (msnbc.msn.com)	(150)
(Greenwich Time)	Townspeople oppose erecting cell tower in Mianus (greenwichtime.com)	(83)
(Some Guy)	An oldie but goodie for you New Years Resolutioners looking to work out more this year - The Rules of The Gym (joethepeacock.com)	(688)
	Teen jumps off high school roof, flies to hospital (abc6.com)	(46)
	Man with history of mental illness, public masturbation, sexual assault, variety of felony and misdemeanor charges finally arrested after stabbing childhood friend to death. With "who would ever have guessed it" mugshot (billingsgazette.com)	(151)
	What kind of country do we live in where a man can't dress up as Bigfoot and go tramping around in state parks? (charlotteobserver.com)	(84)
	Remember, Farkers: this Sunday is national "No Pants Day" (examiner.com)	(317)
	When learning the art of hypnosis, you should try to avoid practising in front of a mirror. W/pic of what you wouldn't expect a hypnotist to look like (telegraph.co.uk)	(105)
	Photoshop these bright lights (farm1.static.flickr.com)	(43)
	Wife who stole £470,000 to pay for her dream wedding gets two years in jail. Husband gets life sentence (dailymail.co.uk)	(120)
	A female cane toad can "pump herself up to mega-size" if she wants to dissuade a male from mating with her. In the human species, we call this phenomenon "marriage" (smh.com.au)	(51)
	George Lucas: "Star Wars is fiction." Jon Stewart: "But I've been living my life as if it was reality" (thedailyshow.com)	(318)
	Russia increases taxes on beer and vodka as a way to stop its citizens from drinking like British women on holiday (reason.com)	(96)
	New book by Osama Bin Laden's children reveal a cruel father who routinely beat his kids, killed thier pets in poison gas experiements, and asked them to go on suicide missions (abcnews.go.com)	(188)
	Lawyer cries "bigotry" after public fails to show sympathy for sterilized welfare mom client (bostonherald.com)	(862)
	The Fonz has dyslexia...so, sit no it (myfoxdc.com)	(92)
	9 kids in trouble for wearing a t-shirt that goes to 11 (foxnews.com)	(476)
(Some Guy)	Pet snake saves family from house fire. "Long Long grabbed my clothes with his teeth and whipped the bed with his tail" (mnn.com)	(111)
	Attacker kills man after sharing beers with him. Of Coors, the thug wasn't the victim's Bud, so what Foster's this kind of brutality in people? Let's not beat around the Busch. He may have had a Pabst history of mental illness (news.com.au)	(83)
	Today's Photoshop ingredients: Disney + Marvel (online.wsj.com)	(46)
	Ten species that might become extinct. Ted Nugent approves (telegraph.co.uk)	(208)
	Blowing a .15 apparently disqualifies you from driving a school bus in New York. Another chapter in the Nanny State Diaries (wcbstv.com)	(102)
	Senator Chris Dodd to announce he's retiring ahead of re-election (msnbc.msn.com)	(329)
	Obama redecorating Oval Office with more mosque appeal (news.yahoo.com)	(221)
	Sophisticated networks of lights, computers, traffic cameras, sensors, and human observers work together to make sure the light turns red just as you get to the intersection (washingtonpost.com)	(82)
(KGTV)	Dear advice column: My boyfriend has four different kids by four different women, including me. He hasn't mentioned anything about marriage. My question is, am I wasting my time? (10news.com)	(277)
(wbns)	Police investigation finds that cop who pretended to have cancer so he could collect more then $20,000 and 600 hours of sick leave didn't commit any crimes. In other news, Subby has cancer. Donations to the right (10tv.com)	(113)

Tue January 05, 2010

(Lowell Sun)	Legal puzzler of the day: If state law requires teachers to be fluent in English and tape recordings prove a teacher can't speak English, how much money should the teacher win in her lawsuit? (lowellsun.com)	(175)
(CO Spring Gazette)	In Colorado, a banjo is considered a deadly weapon, at least when you hit someone in the head with it. Otherwise, it's just a deadly instrument (gazette.com)	(67)
	Photoshop Kermit the Frog (telegram.com)	(47)
	KFC: Helping You Survive "Awkward" Black People Since 1952 (link fixed) (news.com.au)	(335)
	Bakersfield airport closed due to security incident. Surprisingly, no one notices (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(132)
	Bomb-sniffing dog detects snausages at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport (startribune.com)	(70)
	Good: Test Bratislava airport security with explosive packs. Bad: Plant them on unsuspecting travellers ..Fark: Man held at Dublin airport on explosives charges (news.bbc.co.uk)	(70)
	Group of penguins gets photobombed by anonymous seal, one penguin heard asking "Does anybody even know that guy?" (huffingtonpost.com)	(168)
	Chicago expecting 6 to 9 inches this week. Giggity (chicagobreakingnews.com)	(163)
	Y2K...10? (msnbc.msn.com)	(154)
	Somali pirates diversify activities with savvy real estate investments. Seriously, that's what they're doing (io9.com)	(72)
	Dear Dad: Thanks for paying for my graduate school. I couldn't have done it without you, so please come to my graduation. But don't bring your skanky girlfriend. Kthxbai (washingtonpost.com)	(345)
	Mumbai condom vending machines hit by burglars and vandals. Inconceivable (news.bbc.co.uk)	(97)
(Some Guy)	Some leave office and lead productive lives in the private sector, some get cited for stealing crackers (fox8.com)	(44)
	Photoshop these snow-spraying celebrants (inapcache.boston.com)	(35)
(Watertown Daily Times)	New York sewage company to begin treating local water supply to remove mercury released by mining operations. Subby's sure he read something like this in an Hg Wells short story years ago (watertowndailytimes.com)	(127)
	Old McDonald bought the farm, E-I-E-I-O (startribune.com)	(124)
	People with restless legs don't have it so hard, study says (abcnews.go.com)	(178)
(WSB-TV)	Rules for arguing with your significant other: Don't call each other names, don't go to bed angry and don't let your argument lead police to your meth lab (wsbtv.com)	(45)
	Politician who blamed failed breathalyzer test on toothpaste will spend next year trying to get bad tastes out of his mouth (boston.com)	(68)
(Some Channel 13 Guy)	Police then tried to pull him over, but he refused to stop, leading them on a chase of more than a half-mile with speeds topping out at 25 miles per hour (wgme.com)	(43)
	"This is your captain speaking. We've... going to... am taking off as soon as I finish this Jagerbomb..." (abcnews.go.com)	(112)
	Making dinner from ingredients purchased solely at Ikea. The potatoes and lox were great, but it was a pain assembling the meatballs without metric hex keys (food.theatlantic.com)	(76)
	We HaVE YoUr WEEd. We ARe HOLdinG iT fOr RANsOm. CaLL If YOu WaNt It BaCK. SIGnED, nOt THe CoPs. (with photo of ransom note) (sun-sentinel.com)	(271)
	Doctor for octuplet mom accused of gross negligence by medical board. Don't know about the negligence part, but gross, definitely (nytimes.com)	(177)
(Some Guy)	Woman arrested for cracking a beer mug over another woman's head (w/ 'multiple beer mugs required' mugshot) (bnd.com)	(60)
(skunkpost.com)	Man found guilty of spending time in a man cave, has now been sentenced to another (skunkpost.com)	(102)
	Old and busted: Eating your Play-Doh. New Hotness: Having your Play-Doh confiscated by the TSA before you get on the plane (myfoxdc.com)	(396)
	Woman puts fist through McDonald's drive-thru window. Claims McNuggets Rage (thesmokinggun.com)	(128)
	If at first you can't steal the change out of a parking meter, steal the whole thing, take it to your mother's house and put it in the closet (myfoxdc.com)	(55)
	Two earthquakes return to rock Solomon Islands in an encore show. Fans go wild (foxnews.com)	(23)
	When laws collide: Full body scanners break child pornography laws. Welcome to Absurdistan (telegraph.co.uk)	(407)
	Security guards force 80-year-old man to return pocketknife to his car before entering courthouse. No one suggested leaving the gun there too (tampabay.com)	(143)
	You've accidentally forgotten to place a bet on a race, do you C) threaten to kill the horse? (dailymail.co.uk)	(37)
	Oilman throws lavish MTV Sweet Sixteen for spoiled crotchfruit, Investors he defrauded spot him on the show, demand sweet sixteen to twenty (tennessean.com)	(136)
	Taoist truck driver guilty of "unlawful sexual intercourse under false pretences". That is not the way (theregister.co.uk)	(117)
(WMTW.com)	The weirdo on the bus goes snip snip snip (wmtw.com)	(51)
	French Armored bank van has a Ronin with robbers packing serious Heat. The Score was several million euros. No word if authorities are pursuing The Usual Suspects or an Inside Man (news.bbc.co.uk)	(51)
	Photoshop this green guy (inapcache.boston.com)	(29)
	German police officer suspended for conducting his own search for the divine in a Church (thelocal.de)	(25)
	Burglary suspects decide to evade cops by running onto local high school football field, where as it turns out, off-duty law enforcement officials were practicing for the upcoming Pig Bowl against the fire department. Jailarity ensues (sacbee.com)	(23)
	Boise State's finest thrilled to have more cowbell (youtube.com)	(174)
	Man charged with slapping police horse. Mongo only pawn... in game of life (www2.tbo.com)	(65)
	Friday it will probably be colder in Houston than McMurdo Station in Antarctica (chron.com)	(243)
(Some Guy)	Look, folks, the Smiley emocon has been around since the 40s. Stop trying to act like you invented it and stop suing people for using it. Mmkay? :) (thepittsburghchannel.com)	(136)
	Photoshop this Prime Minister on the move (online.wsj.com)	(32)
(Some Guy)	Obama to overseas airports: "I demand that you tighten up your security." Overseas airports: "GTFO UFIA EABOD TTJASI DIAF STFU GBTW TTIUWP how about no -- does NO work for you?" (apnews.myway.com)	(246)

Mon January 04, 2010

(Some Guy)	Cake-licker pleads guilty to torte, shouldn't have stollen all that crêpe. Now going to prison, where his fate couldn't be cruller, but perhaps he'll turnover a new leaf (timescolonist.com)	(42)
	"Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded." Good thing Fark only requires a one drink minimum (news.sky.com)	(√-1)
(Some Catholic)	Feminist Mary Daly died abroad today at age 81 (ncronline.org)	(403)
(Some Guy)	For the first time in seven years, Disneyland is draining the Rivers of America. Among the items expected to be found are Tom Sawyer's paintbrush, Davy Crockett's rifle, and the bloated corpse of Brer Rabbit (ocresort.freedomblogging.com)	(172)
	The New York Times condenses the last 10 years of Fark headlines into a single graphic (nytimes.com)	(263)
	Photoshop these cable pullers (media.cleveland.com)	(53)
(OC Register)	Pair suspected of stealing cavity fillings, which authorities claim caries stiff penalties (ocregister.com)	(62)
	Freya von Moltke, prominent member of the German resistance during World War II, dies at age 98. Nazis finally claim victory (google.com)	(122)
	Utah is glowing with anticipation of getting everyone's radioactive waste (sltrib.com)	(117)
(KTVU)	California is falling into the ocean perhaps a bit less dramatically than we had hoped (ktvu.com)	(227)
	Crime drops in New Zealand town after cops start having tea with local criminals (stuff.co.nz)	(71)
	Who needs an actual peace conference when you can hang out at a resort for a few days instead and then blame the ongoing conflict on the party who wasn't invited? (reuters.com)	(90)
	Columnist responds to hatemail: "You intuitively understand, letters written entirely in capitals impress with their intensity. I would advise you adopt this form of communication for all correspondence, particularly job applications" (washingtonpost.com)	(227)
(Courthouse News)	Judge can't figure out why someone has a problem with his policy of randomly selecting people out of his courtroom and submitting them to an involuntary drug screening. "It's a routine policy of the court" (courthousenews.com)	(202)
	Old news: Chia pets and pet rocks. New: Designer rings with live plants growing inside them instead of precious stones (telegraph.co.uk)	(69)
(NBCNewYork.com)	New York City publishes "How To" Handbook for Heroin Users. It's a Hit (nbcnewyork.com)	(103)
(Chronicle of Higher Education)	Don't go to grad school for the humanities, unless you want your future job to involve deconstructing the signifiers in the power structure of french fry hermeneutics (chronicle.com)	(125)
(WKTV)	In hindsight, perhaps going around table to table inside your local Applebees wasn't the greatest strategy in selling your stash of weed (wktv.com)	(54)
(Drew)	Congratulations to the winners of Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest (fark.com)	(147)
	Man robs shoe store with a large rock. This would never happen if more people were allowed to carry concealed paper (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(74)
	As it turns out, Forrest Gump is a woman from Chicago (hosted.ap.org)	(74)
	Two Federal marshalls shot in Las Vegas Federal building. So, let's all quickly jump to conclusions and blame someone we don't like (foxnews.com)	(545)
	That Ben & Jerry's ice cream you enjoy was made from sustainable, locally-sourced milk and cream, thanks to illegal immigrants who work 80-hour weeks and sleep in the barn with the cows (food.theatlantic.com)	(259)
	TSA to profile air travelers entering the US from countries that sponsor terror. Like Holland (washingtonpost.com)	(135)
	Locals suspect an organized gang is behind the rustling of over 500 cattle from the Great Basin area over the last few years. No, this isn't a repeat from 1876 (abcnews.go.com)	(41)
	Swedish police bust international ring of left shoe stealing thieves. Daniel Day-Lewis unavailable for comment (thelocal.se)	(30)
(WXIX Cincinnati)	You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and when to shoot your dad (wxix.com)	(23)
(Some Guy)	Two earthquakes rock the Solomon Islands, sign autographs with groupies, then get on their tour bus for the next gig (themoneytimes.com)	(24)
	Husband given ultimatum by wife: It's me or the Orc (thescottishsun.co.uk)	(336)
(fox8.com)	Wendy's employees save man's life after he passes out. In the shock of a lifetime, he collapsed BEFORE he ate anything there (fox8.com)	(94)
	"The criminal insisted that after he broke into the house, a spirit blinded him and would not let him move or scream for 72 hours" (cnngo.com)	(35)
	I, Donald Williams, do solemnly swear that I will administer justice without respect to persons....under the Constitution and laws of the United States. So help me Merriam-Webster (upi.com)	(193)
	This is my gavel. There are many like it but this one is mine. My gavel is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my gavel is useless. Without my gavel I am useless (chron.com)	(43)
	Photoshop these bins and a baby (online.wsj.com)	(24)
	If you can't be a foster parent for displaced youth, why not try a couple of grizzled old veterans (desmoinesregister.com)	(63)
	Caption this tuxedo'd Obama & Biden (farm5.static.flickr.com)	(133)
	The next time you think about complaining about how bad you have it, just remember this: Double-amputee skydiving champion. (w/ awesome pics) (mirror.co.uk)	(54)
(Some Guy)	If you intend to flash a couple teenage girls don't demand they take your picture first (wee-county-news.co.uk)	(30)
(WKYC)	Parents who refused to pass school levy are shocked, SHOCKED that their district is forced to cut school busing (wkyc.com)	(293)
	Three British MPs claim they can't be prosecuted for fraudulent expense claims due to parliamentary privilege from 1689 Bill of Rights. England has a Bill of Rights? (independent.co.uk)	(85)
	Mom of nine children: "I was sterilized against my will" (bostonherald.com)	(803)
	How is the rest of the world is coping with this Global Warming™? With pic of what Global Warming™ might look like (dailymail.co.uk)	(581)
	SLC Mayor: Let's put bars in neighborhoods that people can walk to. Mormons & MADD: Think of the children (cnn.com)	(157)
	Hundreds arrested in Texas cockfighting raid, face 6-8 months of additional cockfighting (chron.com)	(49)
	This guy REALLY wanted to be on peopleofwalmart.com (news.cincinnati.com)	(110)
	People with names beginning with D live shorter lives, have life long poor self-esteem, and are born to poor parents. Drew Curtis says goddamnit so much (dailymail.co.uk)	(165)
(Winnipeg Free Press)	Her knight in shiny shoes (winnipegfreepress.com)	(64)
	Security breach causes lockdown at Newark Airport. Hundreds in danger of suffering a terrible fate: being stuck in Newark (msnbc.msn.com)	(115)
	Photoshop this shady entry way (flickr.com)	(42)