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Fark SearchWeb Fark
Sun January 03, 2010
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(Fox News) Unlikely World's tallest buildings are a) tall and b) equipped with 6000 mph elevators. They report, you decide  (foxnews.com) (165)
(Some Guy) Scary It's inspiring when a fireman recruits a 16-year-old Boy Scout Fire Explorer to help put out a blaze. Until the kid has to be hospitalized for smoke inhalation  (pressdemocrat.com) (32)
(Telegraph) Interesting Studies show women's feet are getting bigger; researchers cannot point to a sole reason  (telegraph.co.uk) (144)
(Guardian.com) Stupid Vultures facing extinction from A: Global warming B: Habitat encroachment or C: Gamblers smoking joints made from their brains, in order to see into the future  (guardian.co.uk) (88)
(Komo) Dumbass ////  (komonews.com) (136)
(Guardian.com) Asinine Feds claim they couldn't have known that a Nigerian on the watch list with no passport and no luggage who bought his one-way ticket with cash and whose father warned us, was a terrorist; continue to search white kids named "Sean"  (guardian.co.uk) (199)
(Daily Mail) Fail Parents sue 52 yr old son after he blows £100,000 of their money. Son says money not wasted:"I have had some outstanding holidays and experiences which I will always treasure and reflect on"  (dailymail.co.uk) (83)
(CBC) Hero Dog leaps between 11-year old boy and charging cougar. Man's best friend indeed  (cbc.ca) (177)
(Telegraph) Unlikely Research shows smacked children do better in life, have faster reflexes  (telegraph.co.uk) (280)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Dumbass You get arrested for drunk driving. Do you C) return to the police station after being released and go in guns blazing?  (news.cincinnati.com) (71)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Sad Dropped cellphone causes teen to get run over by van. No word on remaining rollover minutes  (suntimes.com) (70)
(London Times) Followup Panic room saved artist Kurt Westergaard from Islamist assassin. That and abandoning his grandaughter in the house with an Islamic Assassin  (timesonline.co.uk) (344)
(Some Guy) Obvious Asbestos, the Mafia, and 31 other conspiracy theories that turned out to be true  (newworldorderreport.com) (270)
(Some Guy) Amusing Nic Cage as everyone  (niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com) (126)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this Mattel and Merkel merger  (spiegel.de) (42)
(Reuters) Stupid DC government sues AT&T over unused minutes. Not on behalf of customers, mind, but on the novel theory that whatever you buy and don't use belongs to the State. Millions of starving Chinese hardest hit  (reuters.com) (118)
(The Raw Story) Spiffy Fox News pundit: Tiger Woods can stick his putter in any hole he wants, so long as he converts to Christianity  (rawstory.com) (273)
(Some Do It Yourself Guy) Sad Your auto mechanic can't fix your new car because: A. He can't get the parts, B. He's too busy, C. It's copyright infringement?  (techdirt.com) (205)
(WOAI) Interesting It may soon be illegal to buy someone else a beer in San Antonio, TX (with picture of what someone really wanting a beer might look like)  (radio.woai.com) (108)
(Columbus Dispatch) Stupid Nanny state of Ohio forbids you from drinking more than 288 bottles of wine this year  (dispatchpolitics.com) (215)
(CSMonitor) Obvious Researchers state that the recent surge in gun sales has no correlation to the drop in crime. Researchers then go on to prove that black is white and gets themselves killed at the next zebra crossing  (csmonitor.com) (418)
(UPI) Stupid British, American embassies closed in Yemen. Yeah, that'll show those terrorists we mean business. Up next: a sharply worded letter  (upi.com) (146)
(CNN) Interesting If one train leaves Istanbul travelling to Eskisehir at 60 miles per hour, and another train leaves Eskisehir travelling to Istanbul at 55 miles per hour, how long will it take the rescue crews to clear the tracks after they collide head on?  (edition.cnn.com) (58)
(Some Guy) Asinine The bad news is your dog goes missing. The good news is it's found by the SPCA. The asinine news? The SPCA adopts it out to another family less than 72 hours later while not returning your phone calls  (thechronicleherald.ca) (207)
(UPI) Followup The "radical Muslim" who tried to kill the Danish cartoonist who made fun of Allah? Yeah, he was arrested last year for trying to kill Hillary Clinton. But apparently that wasn't serious enough to keep him in custody  (upi.com) (120)
(SomeMonolith) Amusing All these streets are yours except Europa. Attempt no parking there  (i.imgur.com) (111)
(SMH) Amusing "All around you on the beach are weird blokes with hairy backs or bulging beer guts, women with giant bottoms, snotty kids, and they all go out swimming in the same water as you do..."  (smh.com.au) (115)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this float face  (online.wsj.com) (25)
(Buffalo News) Scary You know it's bad when homicides are up 62% and gang members advise the public to buy guns for protection  (buffalonews.com) (155)
(Some Guy) Interesting The five biggest tall tales you'll hear from climate change deniers. "We all know journalists hate America. Rather than report the truth, they act as PR agents for the global warming crowd."  (mnn.com) (303)
(BBC) Obvious Pub snowed in for 3 days... drinkers trapped for 72 hours ... "morale remained high"  (news.bbc.co.uk) (62)
(ABC Action News) Florida Identical twins born in fraternal decades  (abcactionnews.com) (85)
(thesouthern.com) Dumbass Sheriff, family charged with "solicitation of murder for ire." Guess they were exasperated by the annoyance of drug trafficking charges and tried to pay someone to unleash the fury  (thesouthern.com) (35)
(MSNBC) Followup Rick Warren got $2.4 million instead of the $900,000 he asked for. Hallelujah, it's a miracle  (msnbc.msn.com) (220)
(Komo) Fail C) Light the cigarette as you begin siphoning the gas  (komonews.com) (50)
(Some Chick) Cool Man wins $5M lotto. Rides his bike to verify the ticket because his vehicle was stolen last week. Says he'll stay in his trailer and continue pothole filling job  (dailytelegraph.com.au) (133)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida You're confronted by police officers and about get tased. Do you C) Hold up your baby as a shield  (myfoxorlando.com) (77)
(Some Guy) Followup French Muslim "youths" torch 1,137 cars overnight on new years day. This IS a repeat from 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006  (gatewaypundit.firstthings.com) (438)
(Daily Mail) Stupid In the newest version of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf is shooed away, makes friends with Little Red Riding Hood, and becomes a vegetarian  (dailymail.co.uk) (71)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this Swiss slope  (online.wsj.com) (57)
(The Sun) Caption What's this guy saying to his girlfriend?  (img.thesun.co.uk) (165)
(The Sun) Asinine Convicted atheist rapist complains that having to share a cell with a Christian violates his human rights. Because this is the UK, his strategy worked  (thesun.co.uk) (413)
(SLTrib) Stupid Utah newspaper decides to shrink the size of all its Sunday comics so it can keep running classics like "Judge Parker," "Prince Valiant," "Rex Morgan, M.D." and "Brenda Starr."  (sltrib.com) (208)

Sat January 02, 2010
(Wordpress) Photoshop Photoshop The Dirty Delegate  (intoxicologist.files.wordpress.com) (46)
(Newsweek) Obvious Sanctimonious vegetarians now want meat with their moral superiority. They are still better than you, but at least you can invite them to the BBQ  (newsweek.com) (501)
(CBS News) Followup Death toll in attack on Pakistan volleyball game nears 100, which is incredible because that means 100 people were watching a volleyball game  (cbsnews.com) (82)
(London Times) Obvious Scientists: After years of research, we think women's "G-Spot" doesn't actually exist. Submitter (looking up from his porn): The what now?  (timesonline.co.uk) (474)
(Some Guy) Ironic Smokers upset that new "fire-safe" cigarettes might be bad for their health  (wtsp.com) (322)
(MSNBC) Spiffy Researchers discover plane abandoned in Antarctica back in 1912. Passengers in a state of suspended animation while flight crew awaits delivery of lemon-soaked paper napkins  T-Shirt  (msnbc.msn.com) (118)
(WOAI) Spiffy It is now illegal to talk on cell phones while driving through school zones in Texas. Apparently somebody did finally think of the children  (radio.woai.com) (120)
(SFGate) Interesting New statue featuring Winston Churchill, Malcolm X, Harvey Milk and Mother Teresa to have something to offend everyone  (sfgate.com) (118)
(Click On Detroit) Asinine Shoot a burglar in Detroit? That's a second degree murder charge  (clickondetroit.com) (192)
(IndyStar) Asinine When robbing a drugstore, don't stop on the way in to tell an employee on a smoke break what you're doing. And don't ask if he wants anything for himself. And try to carry a more imposing weapon than a garden hose nozzle  (indystar.com) (36)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this statue silhouette  (online.wsj.com) (49)
(Some Guy) Amusing Now that it is 2010, here are phrases that need to disappear because they are not as funny as you think you are, Delmer  (danwarp.blogspot.com) (632)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Parents tattoo six of their kids at home, are surprised that some people had a problem with this. Bonus: "Oh should I not have done that?" vid  (wrcbtv.com) (341)
(Examiner) Asinine Got concealed gun? Check. Got permit to carry said gun? Check. Got both taken away by cop after he saw your gun, pointed his weapon in your face, discounted your "facially valid" permit and left you alone in a high crime area? Check  (examiner.com) (579)
(Washington Post) Interesting In the prehistoric era, young cave dwellers played on pinball machines; this man has 867 of them and wants to start a museum; dadgummit, I say it's a worthy cause, and get off my lawn  (washingtonpost.com) (93)
(UPI) Strange You send us lead-painted toys, we send you 8,500 tons of used tires. It's the American way  (upi.com) (45)
(CBS News) Followup The Great Swine Flu Pandemic of 2009 which killed millions worldwide and plunged the world into chaos... yeah, it's pretty much a bust  (cbsnews.com) (155)
(AskMen) Cool Beer: The next health drink  (askmen.com) (64)
(Houston Chronicle) Cool NASA is looking for places to donate the space shuttles when they are retired in a couple of years. The multi-billion dollar shuttles will be given away for free, but shipping and handling is $42 million. Your good feedback gets theirs  T-Shirt  (chron.com) (176)
(Sphere) Interesting The job market is so bad that even the man with the world's biggest penis can't find work, presumably because no one wants to have a giant dick working for them  (sphere.com) (374)
(The New York Times) Fail Man who made the turban bomb cartoon depicting radical Islam as violent is violently attacked by a radical Muslim  (nytimes.com) (638)
(Boston Globe) Caturday Dutchie and Tootsie, two five-week old kittens found abadoned and half frozen in a clothing collection bin are now recovering with their foster family (and potential adopters) in time for Caturday (with pic)  (boston.com) (837)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Now even the Leaning Tower is being outsourced to China  (dailymail.co.uk) (29)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Man buys $3 Billion CD-ROM from Amazon, just to "see what would happen."  (dailymail.co.uk) (109)
(Seattle Times) Stupid Unlike most other slow news days, 01/02/2010 is also a palindrome. DERRRRP  (seattletimes.nwsource.com) (67)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this treetop trim  (online.wsj.com) (21)
(LA Times) Followup Additional Farkworthy laws taking effect in California: It is now a misdemeanor to cut off a cow's tail or give laughing gas to a minor  (latimes.com) (63)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Girl punches guy in nose because they had "weird sex." "Weird" as in he called her names and pulled her hair  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (126)
(The Ledger) Florida If you shoot the guy who made a drugged sextape with your girlfriend of half your age who you met through banging her mother you shouldn't claim to be an Outlaw when you aren't because they will send their Greek lawyer after you  (theledger.com) (98)
(The New York Times) Sad "I'll be in my tiny, doorless plastic bunk"  (nytimes.com) (161)
(Missoulian) Cool Artists transform 4000 copies of white supremacist hate magazines into art exhibit that the authors will probably... hate  (missoulian.com) (184)
(Google) Amusing Firefighters responding to Utah trailer park blaze hampered by 19 pet pythons  (google.com) (28)

Fri January 01, 2010
(wsmv) Dumbass Stupid: man cooks meth in car. Stupider: at gas station. Stupiderest: In front of Gas Pump. Dumbass award: and passes out. Fark: Darwin takes a vacation  (wsmv.com) (49)
(utwente) Photoshop Photoshop this experimental setup  (stilton.tnw.utwente.nl) (30)
(Google) Sad America's downsizing continues - Inventor of Quarter Pounder now 27 grams lighter  (thestate.com) (123)
(Jacksonville Journal-Courier) Stupid Illinois town gathers to pray for jobs. "Just watch, we will see results."  (myjournalcourier.com) (298)
(CBC) Strange Man sentenced to 30 days in jail after arguing with fellow airplane passenger over elbow room  (cbc.ca) (145)
(CNN) Followup Doctors test Limbaugh's heart, find nothing  (cnn.com) (711)
(Hartford Courant) Scary Man who burglarized Sen. Chris Dodd's office dies of injuries in prison. You might want to consider keeping your Banking Committee and Healthcare Reform criticisms to yourself  (courant.com) (61)
(BusinessWeek) Amusing If you run an airline it's no big deal to piss off a passenger, it's another thing entirely to piss off Chuck Yeager  (businessweek.com) (135)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Office Sports  (images.google.com) (23)
(Hartford Courant) Dumbass Bad: You get arrested for making a fake 911 call and possession of heroin. Worse: You also get nailed for bank robbery. Fark: You're dubbed the "Big-Nosed Robber" and get your picture all over the internet  (courant.com) (75)
(SFGate) PSA The Grammar Police would like to inform you that 2010 will be pronounced "Twenty ten"  (sfgate.com) (302)
(Yahoo) Hero December was the first month since the invasion of Iraq that there wasn't a single American combat death in the country  (news.yahoo.com) (250)
(SFGate) Scary Old news, Mayan 2012 death watch - 12.21.2012 , new news biblical rapture watch - 05.21.2011  (sfgate.com) (481)
(Arizona Star) Cool Having a "quitting coach" may help smokers kick nicotine. In other news, Sarah Palin's dream job just opened up  (azstarnet.com) (65)
(Reuters) Obvious Man steals chewing gum so he could be arrested and jailed rather than spend New Year's with his wife  (reuters.com) (66)
(Some Guy) Scary Anonymous person who wrote racist letter asking for university to get rid of blacks can be charged with a hate crime according to DA who hasn't bothered to read the letter...or the Constitution  (dailyadvance.com) (400)
(Some Guy) Strange If you have any idea why the snow coming down in the Philly area last night was pink, the National Weather Service would love to hear it  (phillyburbs.com) (79)
(QC Online) PSA Over 270 new reasons not to visit Illinois  (qconline.com) (78)
(The Newspaper) Florida Driver gets ticket from red light camera, sues city for theft. Fark: the lawsuit actually makes sense  (thenewspaper.com) (295)
(Providence Journal) Unlikely Rhode Island has safest drivers in U.S. according to study conducted by someone who has never driven in Rhode Island  (projo.com) (91)
(Telegraph) Amusing Not news: Fitting into old jeans. News: Considering this accomplishment better than sex, along with 35% of British females. Farking Obvious: Poll conducted by marketers of Special K cereal  (telegraph.co.uk) (101)
(AOL) Obvious Did Americans get any healthier over the past decade? (please use your dialing wand to indicate your response)  (news.aol.com) (76)
(The New York Times) Interesting Being an honor student doesn't have the same nerd caché that it once had  (nytimes.com) (95)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this springing squirrel  (inapcache.boston.com) (49)
(Fox News) Cool Put turkey in the oven. Check. Drive to hospital. Check. Give birth. Check. Drive back home one hour after giving birth. Check. Serve Christmas Dinner. Check. Top that, Martha Stewart  (foxnews.com) (76)
(Examiner) Unlikely Psychic predictions for 2010 include Obama's assassination, Sarah Palin posing nude, and giant bats  (examiner.com) (186)
(ABC News) Fail Megachurch pastor Rick Warren begs congregation for $900,000 in 48 hours to make up for budget shortfall so that church can continue funding its food bank, homeless shelter and...financial coaching?  (abcnews.go.com) (292)
(Omaha World Herald) Cool Nebraska band can't travel to their bowl game tonight because of bad weather. High school band from Lincoln, already in San Diego, gets the call, has one day to learn fight song  (omaha.com) (83)
(WPXI) Weird Garfield man shot in left testicle. Odie humanity  T-Shirt  (wpxi.com) (65)
(Globe and Mail) Dumbass 16-year-old disappears with his 42-year-old World of Warcraft soulmate (with pics that are pretty much what you'd expect)  (theglobeandmail.com) (237)
(Some Guy) Interesting Metric liquid assload of roadway spills onto roadway  (king5.com) (20)
(Some Atheist) Hero In response to new Irish blasphemy law in effect today, Atheist Ireland publishes list of 25 blasphemous quotes  (blasphemy.ie) (442)
(ABC News) Scary Doctors at St. James's University Hospital in Leeds, England, have discovered why some pet owners see hairy wall clocks  (abcnews.go.com) (58)
(PhysOrg.com) Obvious Norway solves MRSA problem- by stopping rampant overuse of antibiotics. But you of course should be sure your snowflake takes his antibiotics for that little scratch on his knee  (physorg.com) (102)
(FARK) Fail Happy New Year Puna Kihapai, Hawaii  (fark.com) (42)
(KTAR Radio) Sad Man falls into firepit while roasting pig. Luauity ensues  (ktar.com) (69)
(FARK) Cool Happy New Year Upirngaq Piruqsivik, Alaska  (fark.com) (28)
(Some Guy) Interesting Attorney on board Flight 253 claims The Undibomber™ and The Sharp-Dressed Man™ had a third accomplice: The Man In Orange©, whose existence the FBI is trying to cover up. Bonus: Photo of hot chick and green beers  (mlive.com) (96)
(FARK) Sappy Happy New Year Springfield, Oregon  (fark.com) (159)
(London Times) Interesting London Times first published 225 years ago today; first issue had 3 columns of news, 10 of advertising, prompting Drew of Frankfforte to write "Farkke: How Ye Maedia Passeth Crappe off as Ye News."  (timesonline.co.uk) (29)
(FARK) Obvious Happy New Year Springfield, Utah  (fark.com) (47)
(Newsweek) Strange They call themselves "preppers." You'll call them "batshiat insane."  (newsweek.com) (466)
(Mandarin Oriental Barcelona) Photoshop Photoshop this modern hotel lobby  (contemporist.com) (35)
(FARK) Followup Happy New Year, Springfield, Illinois  (fark.com) (145)
(FARK) Florida Happy New Year Springfield, Florida  (fark.com) (165)

Thu December 31, 2009
(FARK) Amusing Happy New Year Springfield, Nova Scotia  (fark.com) (39)
(FARK) Scary Happy New Year, residents of Springfield Road in South River, Newfoundland  (fark.com) (50)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Weird Home invaders take pants from 11 people, suspects described as appearing Haggard  (southtownstar.com) (53)
(KCCI) Amusing Today's Fark-ready headline: "Iowa woman fights deer with vacuum"  (kcci.com) (58)
(MSNBC) Stupid Celebrities aren't the only ones who enjoy inflicting challenging names on their children, just ask Crystal Sunshine Turpin Lemons  (today.msnbc.msn.com) (199)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop theme: 2010: The Year Fark.com Makes Contact  (images.google.com) (60)
(io9) Interesting If one half of conjoined twins murdered a person, would the courts have to punish both of them?  (io9.com) (163)
(Breitbart.com) Asinine While you were diverted with the holidays, the US Justice Dept gave Blackwater a Christmas present  (breitbart.com) (187)
(Bonner County Daily) Misc Woman charged with battering officer, who was reportedly delicious  (bonnercountydailybee.com) (33)
(Oregon Live) Interesting A deckhand who starred in "Deadliest Catch" wanted for bank robberies. How shellfish of him  (oregonlive.com) (80)
(Some Guy) Unlikely World Champion Liar of 2009: "I just realized how bad the economy really is. I recently bought a new toaster oven and as a complimentary gift, I was given a bank."  (greenbaypressgazette.com) (58)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Dumbass Roundup  (fark.com) (55)
(Some Guy) Weird Guy reflects on the six months he has been living soap and shampoo-free. "My wife now mentions more than ever before that "you smell good." OK, I had to post that only because some might worry on that score...."  (freetheanimal.com) (148)
(The Consumerist) Asinine Mugging victim knows that her iPhone is being sent to Apple for replacement by the mugger. Apple care? Not much  (consumerist.com) (130)
(ZDNet UK) Obvious Judge calls bullshiat on iPod hearing-loss lawsuit. I SAID, JUDGE CALLS BULLSHIAT ON IPOD HEARING-LOSS LAWSUIT  (news.zdnet.co.uk) (37)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this ghost orb  (i162.photobucket.com) (56)
(JSOnline) Strange All dad wanted for Christmas was a Chub. "I learned from my grandpa to eat them like an ear of corn," Winter said. "You peel the skin back and just start eating."  (jsonline.com) (104)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Puns and wordplay  (fark.com) (93)
(Some Beatdown Guy) Dumbass Man credits Big Brothers program with building character, marksmanship  (spokesman.com) (17)
(PC News Herald) Interesting Apparently you can't buy a goat's head at IKEA after all  (portclintonnewsherald.com) (36)
(News.com.au) Dumbass Gallery officials shocked that a $48 million Degas painting was stolen despite such state-of-the-art security procedures as "screwing it to the wall" and "locking the museum doors"  T-Shirt  (news.com.au) (63)
(ABC News) Obvious In a study that is likely to shock millions, Dr. Rick Romero reveals that patients who stop smoking after suffering a heart attack tend to live longer  (abcnews.go.com) (25)
(Radar Magazine) Fail Wikipedia was in a little bit too much of a hurry to kill Rush Limbaugh, Abe Vigoda  (radaronline.com) (191)
(Yahoo) Interesting Tylenol expands its recall of its Arthritis Caplets but remind the public that its Arthritis Montagues are still perfectly safe and that they are two products, both alike in efficacy  T-Shirt  (news.yahoo.com) (55)
(WWL) Asinine Family visits relative's grave, discover she has really bad case of athlete's foot  (wwltv.com) (101)
(Some Guy) Dumbass It's the same old story. Guy meets girl, guy stalks girl, guy sends girl hundreds of text messages, guy gets arrested  (skunkpost.com) (95)
(Gazette) Amusing After a two-hour standoff, police deem empty room not a danger to the public  (gazette.com) (28)
(ABC News) Fail Bali's banging New Year's party to explode with fun and get people fired up  (abcnews.go.com) (34)
(ABC News) Florida While listing memberships in civic organizations is often a good way to enhance your resume, it's probably best not to include your KKK membership, particularly if you work in law enforcement  (abcnews.go.com) (177)
(Yahoo) Sick Police charge Mo trucker and his son for kidnapping an Ohio man and torturing him to death in their basement. No word on whether The Gimp may also face charges  (news.yahoo.com) (107)
(Metronews.ca) Asinine Government discovers couple in 70s have access to free heat, orders them to buy fuel like everyone else  (metronews.ca) (333)
(Telegraph) Scary Gunman kills five in shooting spree near Helsinki. He then shot himself, so the police believe his spree is Finnish  (telegraph.co.uk) (105)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Dumbass Father and son force their way into wrong house to pick up another son from a birthday party. Homeowner gets all Second Amendmenty on them  (suntimes.com) (662)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Fail Gunmen too weak to steal ATM after failing to convert dollars to pounds  (suntimes.com) (31)
(Yahoo) Amusing There's drunk, damn drunk, extremely drunk, and then there's "setting the state record" drunk  (news.yahoo.com) (173)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this sledding saucer  (inapcache.boston.com) (44)
(AlterNet) Unlikely Why men fake orgasms. Wait, what?  (alternet.org) (588)
(Some Guy) Cool HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Awesome  (md.tgpsitecentral.com) (535)
(Some Snow Bunny) Strange Today's weather forecast: De-icing trucks spraying vodak on the streets to melt the snow, followed by scattered Farkers licking the pavement furiously  (weather.com) (39)
(Some Guy) Sappy Safeway grocery store leaves their doors unlocked on Christmas by accident. Police find people shopping and leaving cash on the counter. No shoplifting or looting occured  (weaselzippers.net) (155)
(Komo) Fail The TSA is hard at work at correcting the problems that arose on the flight to Detroit. Just kidding, they're issuing subpoenas to bloggers. Happy New Year  (komonews.com) (243)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Nanny State comes up with a plan to eradicate childhood obesity: parents can no longer park next to a school, forcing kids to walk to and from the classroom  (dailymail.co.uk) (73)
(Some Guy) Fail Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #2,739: Cut off your ring finger? No problem: The nearest hospital will let you share a cab to another hospital three hours away, where they'll cheerfully throw the severed finger away for you  (thescottishsun.co.uk) (244)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 243: ClusterFark. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (157)

Wed December 30, 2009
(SFGate) Hero Former WWII pilot, 91, receives Legion of Honor; relates tales of bombing raids, fighting in the French Resistance, and "almost killing the Mona Lisa"  (sfgate.com) (48)
(Wait...What?) Dumbass Police confirmed that Sanders walked into their station the night before Christmas claiming his Peco Street home was missing, but said Sanders frequently buys homes in the county and shouldn't have been surprised  (thepittsburghchannel.com) (36)
(Some Cajun Stoner) Fail Dangerous pot grower apprehended in Bastrop, LA. With pic of what a marijuana farm may look like  (bastropenterprise.com) (197)
(Hartford Courant) Fail Funeral home cremates the wrong body. Family fuming over mistake  (courant.com) (47)
(Toronto Sun) Cool We haven't had a good "ducklings rescued from a storm drain" article for several months, so here's a "couple of dumb-ass ducks rescued from a freezing pond by a police marine unit" story to tide you over until spring  (torontosun.com) (29)
(Politico) News Paramedics take Rush Limbaugh to Honolulu hospital with chest pains. Calm, respectful well-wishes, hopes for speedy recovery to the right  (politico.com) (lots)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this angel maker  (inapcache.boston.com) (55)
(Some Guy) Ironic Transportation employee who sent out pics of Obama shining Palin's shoes may soon be hitting the road  (coloradoan.com) (229)
(KNBC 4 Los Angeles) Dumbass Man jumps out of third-story window, murders dog, runs naked through tennis club, covers himself in coffee. The Aristocrats  (nbclosangeles.com) (63)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing After careful consideration, the guys at TSG have come up with the mug shots of the decade. If you thought 2009 was bad, just you wait  (thesmokinggun.com) (157)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Posh hotel rudely turns away a columnist after she maxed out her credit cards during the holidays. I mean, she was left outside like a homeless person with her Prada bag and everything. UNBELIEVABLE  (dailymail.co.uk) (246)
(BBC) Spiffy Russian life expectancy increasing, with some hardy seniors reaching the ripe old age of 69  (news.bbc.co.uk) (60)
(ABC News) Florida Joe, she's just a little girl. She can light fires, yes. But you're making her sound like Armageddon  (abcnews.go.com) (87)
(Redding.com) Amusing How the Grinch stole after Christmas the court decision regarding the giant fake penis he wore to a meeting on pot club proliferation  (redding.com) (76)
(Huffington Post) Asinine Columnist's 12-year-old daughter is on the "no fly" list because she has the same name as an Irish terrorist -- the oh-so-very unique name "Sean Kelly"  (huffingtonpost.com) (207)
(LA Times) Followup OK, OK, so I shot the deputy  (latimes.com) (56)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Politics  (fark.com) (126)
(Hartford Courant) Dumbass Just so you know, when you crash your car, the towtruck guy is there to help. He will probably even give you a ride. You don't need to carjack him  (courant.com) (23)
(BBC) Sad Edwina the duck dies aged 22. To be cremated slowly in an orange sauce  T-Shirt  (news.bbc.co.uk) (77)
(My Fox DC) Interesting The worst part about posing nude in the snow? No boots  (myfoxdc.com) (278)
(Jena Times) Strange The government says you can't drink in the barn  (thejenatimes.net) (27)
(ESPN) Obvious AP reports that it is easier for athletes to gain admission to universities, cheerleader's pants  (sports.espn.go.com) (147)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Business  (fark.com) (64)
(SFGate) Interesting Rubbed the wrong way by rudderless American flight security guidelines, Dutch authorities plan to institute full-body scans at airports  (sfgate.com) (145)
(ABC News) News Van parked in Times Square  (abclocal.go.com) (243)
(Canada.com) Obvious Mother sues jail for putting her precious snowflake near violent people who don't like sex offenders  (calgaryherald.com) (243)
(ABC News) Strange Morgan Stanley CEO rejects his year-end bonus for the third year in a row. Hero tag last seen sleeping under interstate  (abcnews.go.com) (60)
(MSNBC) Stupid Pop quiz mother farker, the bill is $19.97 and I give you a $20 bill. How much change do I get back? Seriously, I don't know  (redtape.msnbc.com) (719)
(ABC News) Amusing Mynd you, concussions from falling møøse heads kan be pretty nasti  (abcnews.go.com) (42)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Geek  (fark.com) (99)
(NewsOK) Unlikely Former anti-porn crusader says research for "Zipper Disease" explains his stash of Penthouse, Penthouse Secret Fantasies, Penthouse Sex Files, Penthouse Forum, Penthouse Letters, Best of Forum Letters, Penthouse Variations  (newsok.com) (148)
(My Fox DC) Amusing Despite his 11 divorces, the man told the court he never has problems finding women. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own."  (myfoxdc.com) (111)
(IndyStar) Strange Burglars steal 700-pound church safe containing large quantities of gold, trapping camel in eye of needle  (indystar.com) (61)
(YouTube) Photoshop Image Mangling Retrospective 2009: Submit a compilation of your 'shops. It's our tradition DIT  (youtube.com) (93)
(AP) Florida The AP does an annual round-up of why the Florida tag exists  (gainesville.com) (180)
(Wall Street Journal) Amusing Iranian government offers free metro tickets to anybody who will come out and not protest them  (online.wsj.com) (34)
(Daytona Beach News Journal) Florida Quilted quicker picker uppers must have been brawny to make off with this bounty  (news-journalonline.com) (17)
(My Fox DC) Scary Come hungry. Leave drenched in water and flame retardant  (myfoxdc.com) (32)
(Buffalo News) Amusing Injured drunk woman treated at hospital after she conveniently crashed her car into it  (buffalonews.com) (26)
(Some Egghead) Cool NYC soup kitchen gets $1100 can of caviar to feed the downtrodden, now will learn which fortified wine might go with that  (dnainfo.com) (234)
(uticaod.com) Weird Pantless Utica man tells police he was robbed. Of his pants and his sneakers. At gunpoint. Bonus: doctor has no idea if the man was shot  (uticaod.com) (41)
(The New York Times) Weird Old: Unprotected sex might result in pregnancy, diseases. New: Participating in drum circles may give you anthrax  (nytimes.com) (64)
(USA Today) Cool It's official: Dick Clark will be balling this New Year's  (usatoday.com) (118)
(ABC News) Sappy Woman goes into cardiac arrest during labor and dies on the table. Doctors perform emergency C-section only to find that her baby was non-responsive. Then things got all miracle-ly and they both came back from the dead  (abcnews.go.com) (398)
(InForum) Silly Beer can alarm tips off police of nude geriatric fight  (inforum.com) (26)
(Stuff) Amusing New Zealand woman finds perfect way out of a parking ticket: "I could not have been parked there; I was home all day. Having sex. And I have two witnesses'  (stuff.co.nz) (44)
(Fox News) Dumbass What's worse than a guard falling asleep on the job? Getting caught because an inmate posed for a picture with you  (foxnews.com) (119)
(PennLive) Amusing Rural county citizens split over first stoplight, which sister is hotter  (pennlive.com) (64)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this snow shoveling tiger  (inapcache.boston.com) (47)
(Slate) Interesting This month, in al-Qaida Magazine: "Size Isn't Everything: Using Small Bombs," "5 Tips to Drive Infidels Crazy" and "Suicide Bomber of the Month"  (slate.com) (130)
(MSNBC) Dumbass If you steal a diesel truck, it's probably not a good idea to fill it with unleaded gas and then call the police when it breaks down  (msnbc.msn.com) (60)
(CBS News) Interesting Company offers free trip to Mexico, if you take their anti-diarrhea drug. Should be defecation of a lifetime  T-Shirt  (cbsnews.com) (139)

Tue December 29, 2009
(Sun Sentinel) Florida "The victim stated that the suspect has told her he is going to put witchcraft on her, beat her up and blow up her home"  (sun-sentinel.com) (39)
(Some Guy) Scary Things Police can taser you for now includes: being unresponsive due to coma  (courthousenews.com) (287)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Woman chokes her husband for not sleeping in the bedroom with her (w/ "I'd cuddle that" mugshot)  (nwfdailynews.com) (112)
(ktvb.com) Stupid Woman school teacher going to prison for not being hot enough to get away with having sex with a student  (ktvb.com) (200)
(Yahoo) Spiffy It holds 10 to 22 people, takes two-hour tours and contains 30 liters of beer: Welcome aboard the Amsterdam beer bike  (news.yahoo.com) (68)
(Newsweek) Sad California cuts free mammograms for low-income women, despite thousands of volunteers willing to administer the test for free  (newsweek.com) (242)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this dam picture  (edwardburtynsky.com) (44)
(CNN) Ironic New form of rebellion against the older generation includes "not doing drugs, not sleeping around and not getting divorced."  (cnn.com) (343)
(My Fox DC) PSA Women who get a whiff of a man's 'sexual' sweat experience heightened mood and sexual arousal. Those who smelled his 'normal' sweat get to experience sneaking past his mom on the way out of the basement in the morning  (myfoxdc.com) (335)
(Some Guy) Misc Today's "Truck spills metric assload of random food item on roadway" brought to you by Portersville, PA and 5,000 gallons of grape juice  (newyorkinjurynews.com) (69)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Sports  (fark.com) (122)
(SFGate) Hero In a grievous blow to public safety, court rules that cops can't Tase you unless they have, you know, a reason to do so  (sfgate.com) (212)
(Some Guy) Interesting Have a yen for nudity? Ayn Rand? Welding? Then these college scholarhip competitions might be for you  (zencollegelife.com) (142)
(The Tennessean) Interesting Man, clad in underwear and sandals, kills deer with stick, or as the locals call it "Saturday"  (tennessean.com) (112)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Showbiz  (fark.com) (74)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Separating the masculine-looking prisoners from the rest of the population in the female prison is just like the Romans separating and killing the strongest gladiators. Except Spartacus never filed a discrimination lawsuit  (myfoxdc.com) (88)
(The Consumerist) Sick Mistake #1: going to Wal-Mart. Mistake #2: buying a can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. Mistake #3: thinking Wal-Mart will help when you find a giant mold culture growing inside the can (w/disgusting pic)  (consumerist.com) (358)
(Nature) Hero Effect of Cocoa Products on Blood Pressure: Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Abstract: mmmmm  (nature.com) (43)
(My Fox DC) Interesting After a sleepless, overnight flight to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace Prize earlier this month, President Barack Obama made a not altogether surprising admission. He was tired  (myfoxdc.com) (90)
(CNN) Obvious Charlie Sheen's career won't be affected by scandal because everyone already knows he's a douchebag. It's not news, it's CNN  (edition.cnn.com) (138)
(Wall Street Journal) Obvious Super-picky Bay Area woman looking for house has an epic hunt  (online.wsj.com) (221)
(ABC News) Obvious Meet Christine, who lost 54 pounds from a steady diet at Taco Bell. Well, duh  (abcnews.go.com) (354)
(BBC) Silly Woman calls police to report her cat is "doing her head in" by playing with string. "It's being going for two hours now. It's an emergency" (with audio goodness)  (news.bbc.co.uk) (114)
(Some Guy) Cool Japanese man sets a world record for a hand-launched plane made with only paper. For those born in the internet-age, go ask your father what a paper airplane is  (mnn.com) (125)
(Washington Post) Stupid "Welcome to the DC DMV. Your vehicle inspection and emission test will cost $35." "But inspections aren't required any more." "Welcome to the DC DMV. Your emission test will cost $35."  (washingtonpost.com) (249)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this scythe-holding searcher  (online.wsj.com) (53)
(Wired) Sad Original Homestar viewers are now all members of AARP. Why won't Homestar just go away?  (wired.com) (280)
(Quad City Times) Sappy Ugly-ass baby giraffe born at Niabi Zoo  (qctimes.com) (41)
(SMH) Scary Police granted authority to declare search warrant free zones around bars and train stations and strip search anybody who might have weapons or breasts  T-Shirt  (smh.com.au) (160)
(BBC) Interesting Yes Virginia, Santa is dead and Turkey would like his bones  (news.bbc.co.uk) (40)
(Sify) Interesting Realizing one can defer their student loans if they are still attending school, should you C.) Get 22 Masters Degree, 5 PhDs, and 3 Doctorate in Literature...and afterwards go back for the 23rd Masters degree at age 65  (sify.com) (164)
(Stuff) Amusing Three teenagers commit robbery with a knife, a stick, and a plastic toy leg, finally letting the world know what comes below a stick in the hierarchy of weaponry  (stuff.co.nz) (41)
(TC Palm) Florida Shooting your ______ in the ____ as a disciplinary measure. It's in Florida so I'm sure you can fill in the blanks  (tcpalm.com) (120)
(Some Guy) Spiffy If there's something you only get to do once a year AND once in a blue moon, 12/31 might be your lucky day  (universetoday.com) (179)
(The New York Times) Interesting My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw the son of Obama's friend pass out in Hawaii last night. I guess it's pretty serious  (thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com) (155)

Mon December 28, 2009
(CBS News) Obvious CBS: MSNBC sucks at breaking news off-hours  (cbsnews.com) (109)
(AL.com) Dumbass So this guy tries to walk out of Wal-mart with a cart full of electronics, and an off-duty cop tackles him. His wife then fakes a heart attack to try to keep out of jail. Then some lady calls her on it and things get all stabby. The Aristocrats  (blog.al.com) (72)
(Daily Mail) Obvious You may need to ease up on your indoor pot growing operation if you need so much energy it leaves your street in the dark. "The bulbs could hardly flicker"  (dailymail.co.uk) (92)
(TC Palm) Florida If your father tells you to make your own lunch, the obvious response is to hit him in the head with a candle holder. This of course leads to the drawing of pistols. Then things get strange. (mugshot goodness)  (tcpalm.com) (60)
(ABC News) Asinine Two former Guantanamo detainees released in 2007 were Al Qaeda leaders who planned the attempted bombing of NWA 253. Obvious tag in the hospital with third degree burns to its crotch  (abcnews.go.com) (340)
(Daily Mail) Strange You might be a fugitive if you spent your Christmas taunting police by posting topless pictures of yourself on Facebook adorned in tinsel, making a rude gesture and holding a turkey  (dailymail.co.uk) (58)
(ABC News) Scary Debt in America: strategically default on your mortgage and downgrade from the SUV to a used Corolla. Debt in Egypt: sell a kidney for $2k to put food on the table. Ouch  (abcnews.go.com) (127)
(BusinessWeek) Asinine Ever ignore the seatbelt sign on an airplane? Ever decide to watch a crappy Jamie Foxx movie on your flight? Congratulations, you're engaging in terrorist activity  (businessweek.com) (229)
(AP) Interesting Former beauty queen from Alaska busted for fraudulently trying to obtain more than $600,000 in student loans to enrich herself. No, not her  (hosted.ap.org) (42)
(Fox News) Obvious This just in: metal detectors are useless for...wait for it...detecting non-metal explosives  (foxnews.com) (67)
(Contact Music) Interesting CNN accused of "checkbook journalism" after paying the Dutch passenger who subdued the Dumbass Christmas Plane Would-Be Bomber. Apparently, that sort of thing is frowned upon  (contactmusic.com) (90)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Man steals a trailer filled with $40,000 worth of cheesecakes. If the cops don't get him, his clogged arteries will  (orlandosentinel.com) (51)
(National Geographic) Photoshop Photoshop this triple threat  (photography.nationalgeographic.com) (37)
(The Smoking Gun) Obvious You know that picture of President Kennedy on the boat with the naked girls? Yeah about that (image in link is NSFW)  (thesmokinggun.com) (188)
(CNN) Obvious Obamacare won't make a difference because Americans are too drunk, lazy, fat and stupid to stay out of the hospital to begin with  (cnn.com) (226)
(Some Guy) Sad As far as sequels go, "Flattened Otter's Tire Tread Christmas" is less than heartwarming  (search.mtdemocrat.com) (67)
(NPR) Scary Juarez can be loosely translated to mean, "Murder Capital of the Western Hemisphere"  (npr.org) (231)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2009 HEADLINE OF THE YEAR contest  (fark.com) (270)
(ABC News) Obvious The dazzling deductive skills of the Northhampton, MA police have led them to label as "suspicious", 9 fires that all broke out between 2 and 3am, within a block or two of each other  (abcnews.go.com) (69)
(Some Guy) Strange Scientists discover a new species of cockroach living in New York City. As well as an ostrich, paddlefish, bison and even a giant flying squid  (mnn.com) (126)
(Pew Forum) Obvious Mississippi tops list as being America's most religious state, which is no surprise since everyone there prays to win the lottery  (pewforum.org) (132)
(Yahoo) Cool White hat hackers stage their own version of the Zombie Apocalypse, killing 200,000 "zombies" by taking down the Mega D Bot-net  (news.yahoo.com) (99)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Hey Dad, remember the Christmas when we went down to Taco Bell, got into a fight in the parking lot, and got arrested? Good times  (skunkpost.com) (29)
(Yahoo) PSA 10 things husbands shouldn't do, as written by a self-important, jobless wench with bad hair  (shine.yahoo.com) (π)
(USA Today) Interesting College campuses are adding more and more "green majors" to their rosters, opening up a career path for those who can't hack the rigor of liberal arts  (usatoday.com) (343)
(USA Today) Stupid One passenger out of a million failed to blow up one airliner out of a thousand on one day out of the year, so we should let the TSA strip scan anybody they want to  (blogs.usatoday.com) (532)
(New York Daily News) Photoshop With Tiger Woods being dropped from sponsorships left and right, be a good sport and Photoshop him in some new sponsorships  (nydailynews.com) (53)
(Sign On San Diego) Dumbass Note to parents: If your kid illegally crosses into North Korea with a Christmas Card for Kim Jong Il, don't be surprised when he doesn't phone home for a few days  (signonsandiego.com) (86)
(London Times) Unlikely Having never seen Poltergeist, US Marines build outpost on graveyard. What could possibly go wrong?  (timesonline.co.uk) (146)
(Some Guy) Florida Two men arrested after using sledgehammer and croquet balls to turn their apartment into an art gallery (with mugshots)  (gainesville.com) (36)
(Some Guy) Strange I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a giant stainless steel Lenin with a feminised Chairman Mao on his head  (timescolonist.com) (46)
(MSNBC) Scary Mine explosions kill 12 in China. 1,325,639,982 still trapped  (msnbc.msn.com) (47)
(The New York Times) Interesting Czechs Hungary to Pole the Communist Party out of elections, which they claim is abSerb and could Croat a bad precedent  (nytimes.com) (123)
(MSNBC) Ironic The 2009 Delicious Irony award goes to Native American tribes, who are using funds from casinos to buy America back, a few thousand acres at a time  (msnbc.msn.com) (423)
(Miami Herald) Amusing "In a setback for U.S. interests in Central America, voters in Honduras elect, as their new president, Rod Blagojevich"  (miamiherald.com) (47)
(Some Guy) Scary Arsonist sets 22 fires in Houston neighborhoods in an apparent attempt to beautify the city  (apnews.myway.com) (80)

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