Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-12-13

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Sun December 13, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Side jobs that doctors have: 1) Public Speakers; 2) Authors; 3) Researchers; 4) Punk Rockers. Huh, ...WTF? (detnews.com)	(113)
		Nevada brothel aims to offer first male prostitutes; Ashton Kutcher unavailable for comment (hosted.ap.org)	(136)
		Photoshop this colorful canyon (flickr.com)	(56)
		Finally an end-of-year list worth reading: the world's best bars (timesonline.co.uk)	(215)
		♫ Shovelin' some snow can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack, you oughta know by now ♫ (omaha.com)	(57)
		♫ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♫ Fa la la la la la la la la ♫ Tis the season to scratch a car & leave a note saying "Your $30,000 car isn't worth taking up 2 spaces" ♫ Fa la la la la la la la la (mcall.com)	(492)
		Dominee, the Farker laid up in a coma because of pneumonia is finally awake, and yes - the first thing he asked for was a beer. LGT original thread (fark.com)	(145)
		Finally, a 'Whack a Mole' game you can really get into: "I keep having to replace worn-out mallets" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(42)
(Wikileaks)		You know that story about the enormous amount of toxic waste that was dumped off the Ivory Coast? No? That's because the BBC took it down immediately after receiving legal threats (wikileaks.org)	(97)
(Press Democrat)		City designates "bicycle boulevard", a unique type of road where bicycles are allowed and drivers are supposed to pass them only when safe. You bet people have a problem with this (pressdemocrat.com)	(349)
(Some Lonely Guy)		Newspaper letters to the editor pages can be so predictable; Obama this, b-b-b-but Bush that, old man yells at cloud, expect controversy when sex robots arrive -- wait, what? (gazetteonline.com)	(114)
(Some Instrument of Doom)		Photoshop this preliminary Large Hadron Collider collision (while there's still time) (atlas.ch)	(58)
		Detroit parents want teachers, school officials jailed over low student test scores (detnews.com)	(442)
		"Hi, you've reached the Department of Justice. We're building a file on Joe Arpaio, and if you have anything to share-- annnnnd our inbox is already full" (huffingtonpost.com)	(345)
		Appeals court smacks down police officer for testifying that his specially trained ears are accurate enough to pick a speeding car out of the flow of traffic (thenewspaper.com)	(157)
(New York Magazine)		16 things that disappeared in the past decade, including Hydrox cookies and paying for pornography. Man, I'm gonna miss Hydrox cookies (nymag.com)	(303)
(Some Guy)		New York State offers poor people all the cancer they can carry by reserving screening programs for people with money (berkshireeagle.com)	(71)
		Just in time for the ball drop: two glasses of Champagne each day is good for you, thanks to several unnamed French scientists (nzherald.co.nz)	(48)
		New study confirms that some people do exhibit 'werewolf' tendencies during a full moon. "Some of these patients attacked the staff like animals by biting, spitting and scratching." (news.com.au)	(99)
		Man owes California's DMV $14, but they will not accept his payment. I think I'm beginning to see why they're having a budget crisis (consumerist.com)	(83)
		NYC real estate: For $0 a month you can get a 54 square foot jail cell at Riker's Island. For $800 a month you can get a 55 square foot apartment in Hell's Kitchen (nypost.com)	(180)
(Fosters.com)		Cash starved schools may soon have your kids going to a McLecture in the Nike Gymnasium. Tomorrows math test will be brought to you from Trojan (fosters.com)	(104)
		Headline (news.yahoo.com)	(848)
		Reporter is fired after writing a story critical of how Vail calculates snow totals. "Vail Resorts is a customer and this newpaper is a business, and we have to watch out for the bottom line." (cbs4denver.com)	(121)
		Miss World 2009 comes from a country that does not exist. Perhaps if more people had access to maps and like, such as, this wouldn't have happened (news.yahoo.com)	(161)
		Being a teacher is a thankless, difficult job. But being a teacher who teaches college students that want to be teachers is even worse (press-citizen.com)	(143)
(Some Guy)		You may think it taste like five gallons of hipster urine in a 12 ounce can, but here is your chance to own part of a major brewery: Ad company crowdsourcing purchase of PBR (buyabeercompany.com)	(70)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this bunker (padrebuela.com.ar)	(33)
		Man paragliding behind his car falls 26 feet onto the road. Breaking news, indeed (news.com.au)	(33)
		Man has crush on woman and wants to get her to notice him. Does he a) send her flowers, b) buy her candy or c) urinate through her mail slot (japantoday.com)	(73)
		Woman is going to graduate from college and get married on the same day. Meanwhile you're in your sixth year of college and still haven't made a commitment to the girl you've been living with for four years (desmoinesregister.com)	(89)
(Chinahush)		The coolest family photographs you'll see all day: family portraits of all 56 ethnic groups in China (chinahush.com)	(122)
		US and Japan agree on open air policy. You would too if your diet consisted of rice, sprouts, and seaweed (news.bbc.co.uk)	(43)
(Some Guy)		Headline: "What your Christmas tree says about you." Oddly enough, "not Jewish" was not found in the article (gjsentinel.com)	(123)
		Houston becomes the first major US city to elect a lesbian mayor, proving that Texans can't get enough bush (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(291)
		Photoshop this sanctimonious sea lion (icons-pe.wunderground.com)	(40)

Sat December 12, 2009

	For the second time in weeks Detroit police mistake a movie crew filming a crime scene for the real thing. "Talk about an adrenaline rush." (detnews.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)	The most dangerous infinity pool on the planet. But it's all natural so it can't hurt us, right? (lifeinthefastlane.ca)	(149)
	Harvard, Dartmouth, Cornell and Boston College reduced to making Hogwarts comparison to pimp themselves out. Cornell quarterly: "Bring your wand and broomstick, just in case" (gawker.com)	(94)
	Put on some soft music, dim the lights, and mix a batch of banana daiquiris. The Buffalo Zoo is getting back into the gorilla-breeding game (buffalonews.com)	(126)
(Some Guy)	Phase one, steal gnomes. Phase two, ???? Phase three, profit (goskagit.com)	(64)
	Woman orders two Zhu Zhu Pets in September, watches and waits as her order is placed on backorder, and eventually canceled, two weeks before Christmas. Naturally, she accuses Target of "ruining Christmas" (consumerist.com)	(266)
(Some Guy)	Not to be out done by her colleages, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro, a third teachers ups the ante by sleeping with a student. (w/ hell yes you would pic) (truecrimereport.com)	(106)
(wavy.com)	Flash mob at library goes south in a hurry: "It was all positive until the pepper spray" (wavy.com)	(143)
(Some Guy)	The signature drink of a TGIF bartender competing in the World Bartender Championship finals is a White Gummy Bear Martini (phoenix.metromix.com)	(139)
	Man robbed while on MySpace date. If Farkers did this, they would have left atheist dissertations, pictures of captioned kitties, and a very snarky message on the bathroom mirror (freep.com)	(59)
	For Hanukkah, go play some No Limit Texas Dreidel (abcnews.go.com)	(35)
	New energy-efficient traffic lights in Wisconsin cause accidents because they don't generate enough heat to melt the ice and snow that traditional traffic lights do (fox6now.com)	(151)
(Some Guy)	In the world of competitive ice climbing, there is a very thin difference between Grand Master Champion and "Stuff In An Avalanche." (sphere.com)	(32)
	Photoshop this woman under pressure (online.wsj.com)	(46)
	General Mills to start making kids' cererals that no longer comes with a diabetes kit (consumerist.com)	(101)
	Woman arrested for smuggling monkey meat. Greasy grimy gopher guts still unaccounted for (bostonherald.com)	(90)
	REMINDER- Greensboro Fark Party tonight LGT previous thread (fark.com)	(40)
	"Children see that ad and they think we'd better leave beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk. I don't approve of it" (torontosun.com)	(81)
	For Sale: Japanese island. Great fixer-upper, non-radioactive and monster friendly. Priced to move (mdn.mainichi.jp)	(48)
(Some Guy)	DUI suspect at hospital for BAC test gets bored, decides that stealing an ambulance and leading cops on a 50 mile chase would be more fun. w/ yeah, you'd drunkenly hit it mugshot (ktul.com)	(82)
(Some Guy)	Teen gang thugs attack and and attempt to disarm police officer, get nine months. Nine months pregnant woman to the rescue, that is (with glorious video) (krgv.com)	(189)
(Some Guy)	Twelve creative staircases that you could easily kill yourself on after a night of drinking (oddee.com)	(85)
	Actual Headline: Christmas tree farmer expects pre-holiday rush. Quick, to the Romerocopter (cbc.ca)	(39)
	The Ecclesiastical Insurance Carol Singing Guide would like to remind you that, as you spread your holiday message of good tidings and cheer, you should not sing in the middle of the street and, please, try to avoid setting yourself on fire (telegraph.co.uk)	(12)
	Every forklift driver knows that when you're moving a heavy object,, you keep the forks low prevent it from toppling. Shame they don't teach the same thing to paramedics (dailymail.co.uk)	(91)
(Some Guy)	20 years ago, baby boomers were snickering at the 'I've fallen and I can't get up' commercials. Now they're living it (healthzone.ca)	(102)
	Sarah Palin reads from William Shatner's autobiography on The Tonight Show. Awesomeness ensues (youtube.com)	(329)
	12 year-old boy suspended for dealing on campus. He was selling potato chips (dailymail.co.uk)	(76)
	Rent-A-Husband founder faces fraud filing. Female customers thought they were getting something other than a guy who would just arrive, open a beer, watch sports, and hog the remote (wcsh6.com)	(40)
	Not news: Woman charged with DWI. WTF news: Woman charged with WDI (myfoxla.com)	(44)
(Some Guy)	"Mittens are adorable. They are warm and fuzzy. To wear them is to be transported to a childhood of snowball fights and hot chocolate. If they were any more Canadian, they'd speak politely and smell like maple syrup" (vancouversun.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)	Canadian science fiction writer arrested at US Border for "no reason". Resisting arrest and choking an officer are no reason to arrest someone (thetimesherald.com)	(255)
(turnto10.com)	Man who plays Patriots mascot arrested in prostitution sting. He'll never be able to show his face again (www2.turnto10.com)	(58)
	Penniless brothers living in cave get $7 billion inheritance, say they'll use it to add some track lighting and maybe buy a rug to tie the whole cave together (mirror.co.uk)	(74)
	Mathematicians officially out of ideas. In related news, here's how to slice a pizza (newscientist.com)	(80)
	Stephen and Tabitha King donate $12,999 to send troops home for the holidays. It would have been more, but 13 is an unlucky number. No, really (bangordailynews.com)	(116)
	The coolest cover of Men's Health you'll ever see. Wait, what? You have seen this before? No wonder the print industry is crumbling (omg.yahoo.com)	(76)
(Some Guy)	Someone, somewhere, has a $10,400 Christmas tree in their living room and the Washington Botanical Gardens would like it back (mynorthwest.com)	(42)
	Kinda News: Woman steals T-bone from steakhouse. A Little More News: she returns T-bone after seeing herself on the news. Caturday: T-bone is a cat who hangs out at the steakhouse (wftv.com)	(932)
(WLBZ2.com)	The Hillsborough County Sheriffs Department had little trouble finding some stolen Christmas wreaths. They were being sold by the bailiff in the lobby of the Superior Court (wlbz2.com)	(13)
	Photoshop theme: the last thing you want to see Christmas morning (images.google.com)	(36)
	98-year old woman arrested for murdering her 100-year old roommate. Suspect expected to receive life sentence, which for her is about two weeks (foxnews.com)	(38)
	An 85-year old Israeli man recently went to a doctor for the first time in 65 years after having a heart attack. Which is understandable, when the last doctor you saw before that was Dr. Josef Mengele (spiegel.de)	(188)
	What is best in life? To break into Dad's museum and steal $20M worth of paintings. Fark: with a backhoe (salon.com)	(82)
(Some Flare Guy)	Hawaiian man tries to euthanize his terminally ill wife by shooting her with buckshot. If he'd used a shotgun instead of a flare gun, it might have worked (honoluluadvertiser.com)	(84)
	Bird-shaped restaurant headed for auction. Owners not expecting to tern a profit, but admit they have no egrets. Yes, these puns are ostrich, but owl bet there'll be more (upi.com)	(90)

Fri December 11, 2009

	Town that is $8 million in debt: "You guys want a Christmas tree? Fine, there's one in the park that needs cutting down anyway" (msnbc.msn.com)	(74)
	I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a picture of a man stroking frenzied tiger sharks as they savagely rip apart the dead whale he is standing on (dailymail.co.uk)	(74)
	You can't get an H1N1 shot because ... (shakes magic 8 ball) ... it's too cold to ship it anywhere (wcco.com)	(49)
	First ever Peeps store opens. "They manage to straddle the world between cute and horrible. You can look into their black beady eyes and see your childhood, or the bleakness of the soul." (latimes.com)	(73)
(Some Guy)	The annual "Here, look at this crazy, old woman who threw up Christmas all over her house" video (nbcdfw.com)	(96)
(Some Guy)	It took the highest court in Nebraska to determine walking from the parking lot to your workplace is not considered commuting (ketv.com)	(52)
	Finally, a new place to stick my sausage (gizmodo.com)	(52)
	Photoshop this slackline sky surfer (online.wsj.com)	(32)
	Caption Santa's little broker (online.wsj.com)	(34)
	Michael Steele to interns: "you are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge" (gawker.com)	(320)
	Shoot a woman 9 times for being in your driveway? OK no charges (thedenverchannel.com)	(277)
(WCNC)	Taco truck dumps load on I-485 in NC, leaves skidmarks (wcnc.com)	(22)
(Some Guy)	"I dunno boss, one minute I'm drivin' the Camry, the next, this 38-foot boat just falls outta the sky onto the car. Serious." (stamfordadvocate.com)	(16)
	Happy Hanukkah to you Jewish farkers out there. Lets all light the menorah (nytimes.com)	(154)
	Giant rodent crushed. Gorilla holding a knife. Elephant dies of Herpes. Goat hangs itself. 42 dead stingrays. Just another day at the Calgary Zoo (theglobeandmail.com)	(66)
	♫ Young man, you can always fall down. Young man, and get froze to the ground. Stay there, and be eventually found, there you'll bleed and be unhappy ♫ It's fun to skate at the YMCA, it's fun to skate at the YMCA ♫ (helenair.com)	(31)
(TorrentFreak)	Remember that chick who was being prosecuted as a pirate for recording four minutes of New Moon? It was thrown out and the director of the movie apologized. For the prosecution part, not New Moon (torrentfreak.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)	Being a counselor to drugged up high school kids. Pass. Getting busted for conspiracy to sell drugs to the same kids? Fail (king5.com)	(31)
	Florida Court rules that Judges must unfriend lawyers on Facebook, still allowed to poke defendants (nytimes.com)	(24)
	After finding a video of her at the home of a man who was arrested for videotaping his sexual assualt victims, Denver cops want to interview a woman in her late teens but don't know who she is. Solution? Here's her picture (thedenverchannel.com)	(71)
	Never forget (the mugshot roundup) (thesmokinggun.com)	(181)
	Black Earth Elementary School placed on lockdown due to: (C) wandering bovine (chicagotribune.com)	(36)
	"I want justice," said the mother of the thug who opened fire on the public with a MAC-10 (nypost.com)	(378)
	This just in: Holiday treats will make your fat kid fatter (msnbc.msn.com)	(34)
(ABC7)	Ric Romero thanks FARK.com for toy drive donations (abclocal.go.com)	(298)
	"Ice cream isn't combustible, flammable, or addictive, and it doesn't shoot projectiles" (nbclosangeles.com)	(36)
	Sitters vs. Standers: Who knew there was more than one way, and what's wrong with the 50% of you out there doing it wrong? (deadspin.com)	(682)
	"If elected mayor, I guarantee that I will not in any way contribute to the sexual abuse of any of my underage relatives..." (orlandosentinel.com)	(54)
	"Psychoaster" ride will require signing a waiver before riding it and each visitor will be provided with a fresh pair of underwear afterwards (thesun.co.uk)	(154)
(Some Guy)	Today: China offers $1,465 for each link to porn. Tomorrow before breakfast: Pretty much the entire world economy is in the hand of Farkers (tomsguide.com)	(136)
	Greenpeace protestors stage illegal protest on Canada's Parliament Hill, so now Parliament has banned Greenpeace T-shirts. So there (cnews.canoe.ca)	(52)
	"Quiverfulll" religion Duggar family cranks out number 19 three months early at 1lb, 6 oz., showing what happens when you have unsafe sects (chicagotribune.com)	(577)
	RCMP seize pot from woman's bra, recording the biggest bust ever (cbc.ca)	(62)
(Some Guy)	Ric Romero called US "warm hearted." What the hell??? (facebook.com)	(226)
(Some Roller)	6 charged in $1.2M medical insurance scam for uneccessary power wheelchair and scooter reimbursements. Those rascals (dailyme.com)	(113)
(Daily Telegraph)	Jailed rapist wants medical help with his erection, suggesting his sentence isn't stiff enough (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(41)
	Man stabbed in Toowoomba... Ok, now that they're just making up names for body parts Subby's gonna go play with his wongasnoker. Wipe that thought from your goobramiken (news.com.au)	(80)
	In Canada, even the nuclear waste is polite (csmonitor.com)	(64)
	Photoshop this wall of clocks (online.wsj.com)	(77)
	Police say that the Olympic-branded Ecstasy pills they found may not be officially sanctioned (cnews.canoe.ca)	(104)
	Woman backing out of a parking space runs over a blind man. Apparently they didn't see each other (desmoinesregister.com)	(174)
(Some Edmonton Farker Guy)	Edmonton Fark Party. Final Reminder DIT. LGT Map (maps.google.ca)	(85)
	Friday photo fun from the TSG bunch. Match the arrestee with their occupation at the time of bust Contest ends at 6pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(77)
	Turkey mine explosion kills 19, dampens pot pie market (google.com)	(46)
(MaineToday.com)	Maine man to turn 108 years old on Monday. He hopes (morningsentinel.mainetoday.com)	(54)
	Tiger linked to AIDS virus (myfoxla.com)	(188)
	SC Gov. Sanford's wife goes missing from their marriage (usatoday.com)	(115)
	If you have the body of former Cyprus president Tassos Papadopoulos, that's pretty cool. Also, the police would like to speak with you (theglobeandmail.com)	(50)
	Full bodied, with hints of blackberries and oak and a subtle overtone of blackmail (smh.com.au)	(11)
(Some Guy)	Middle-school boy and girl weren't blowing off class, just preparing for oral exam, trying to get ahead in school (failuremag.com)	(215)
	You've decided to drill a borehole to install geothermal heating in your hotel. That's good, but you might want to just double check where the subway lines run before you start (thelocal.se)	(48)
(kfab.com)	Man beats wife for not helping clear snow. The joke's on her, she'll have to shovel while he's in jail (kfab.com)	(99)
	Non-Muslim Swiss man turns his chimney into a minaret to protest the recent decision by voters (google.com)	(447)
	Okay mac, just gimme all your corduroy jackets with missing buttons, out-of-style belts, 10-year old National Geographics and Flowbees with missing attachments and we'll all walk away from this and no one will get hurt (myfoxdc.com)	(65)
	Guttenberg makes surprise trip to Afghanistan. My, he certainly is the movable type (thelocal.de)	(94)
	Two kids sick after smoking incense, which they thought was smoking over-the-counter fake pot. Tea leaves, banana peels surrender (wtsp.com)	(166)
	Shelbyville woman arrested for riding horse in Christmas parade while drunk. Duff cans have not been located (wtopnews.com)	(45)
	Random drugs tests are to be introduced to the World Pie Eating Championships. About time, too (lep.co.uk)	(35)
	World's fattest hedgehog is successfully losing weight at St Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital through an intensive program of swimming and running. We know how you like to be appraised of important hedgie news (pics) (dailymail.co.uk)	(47)
(Some Echika-chan)	Photoshop this bunny with bells (dat.2chan.net)	(26)
	Does your private school have a different holiday schedule than the public schools? The DC Police would like you to have a seat in their van. Bonus: Not enough seatbelts (wtopnews.com)	(137)
(Some Guy)	The male version of the cougar is the rhino. "Because the specimen is more often than not both horny and ugly." (heraldsun.com.au)	(198)
(Some Guy)	Oh, look, it's time for "These Christmas decorations look beautiful BUT THEY COULD KILL YOU" article (starnewsonline.com)	(21)
	Nanny State admits that it has a policy of not encouraging bright students in school because it makes them think they're smarter than other people and that's "elitism" (dailymail.co.uk)	(257)
	Giant rabbit that thinks it's a cocker spaniel would like you to shut the fark up you farking farker (pics) (dailymail.co.uk)	(86)
(Employee of the month)	Knowing the average Farker, I'd say about half of you will try this at work (thechive.com)	(113)
(Some Guy)	Man skydiving to celebrate his 70th birthday dies in mid-fall (sheppnews.com.au)	(105)
	Another sign the economy is roaring back to life: Opticians can't keep up with the demand for monocles (telegraph.co.uk)	(112)

Thu December 10, 2009

	And so it begins: Tiger Woods mistress #1, Rachel Uchitel, is in talks to pose for Playboy (contactmusic.com)	(159)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this man with his dogs (fohguild.org)	(33)
	Florida must pay cosmetologist $150/day to cover up tattoos of neo-Nazi while he stands trial for murder. That's 4594 rubles to you, comrade (sfgate.com)	(158)
	Woman charged in grits attack. Unknown hominy laws broken (nola.com)	(84)
	If you stole the 2400 different ecstasy pills a dutchman painstakingly collected over two decades, don't take the red-and-white ones (google.com)	(254)
(KING-5)	Slow news day in Seattle upgraded from "It's farking cold outside" to "Bovine trapped in frozen creek" (king5.com)	(183)
	Tips on how to get that holiday vacation you have been asking for (msn.careerbuilder.com)	(41)
	Remember that time you got arrested because the police misread the name on the warrant and then when your lawyer asked the judge to let you go the judge had him beat down? I LOL'd (nola.com)	(137)
(Koss)	Man asks American Airlines flight attendant for orange juice. Attendant flips out, screams at passengers, delivers hand-written reprimand from the captain, tells man he'll be arrested for violation of federal law. The Aristocrats (kossome.com)	(237)
	It's not my fault this article is terrible. Take it up with the author. Or better yet, let's go after Drew, since he was responsible for it being greenlighted in the first place (blog.newsweek.com)	(88)
	It's the holiday season in Times Square. The tree, the lights, the MAC-10 fire (breitbart.com)	(203)
	Lions, and Tigers and Bears, oh, my (abcnews.go.com)	(71)
	No matter what you've been told, you can't make up your own promissary notes to pay back loans. "None of it really makes sense, but according to their conspiracy theory, it does." (stltoday.com)	(143)
(Some Guy)	Ric Romero calls out Farkers, dares them to help him with a Christmas toy drive (facebook.com)	(433)
	Photoshop theme: Do not disturb (fark.com)	(36)
(Some Shenanigans)	'The most disturbing video you'll see all week' featuring a lady living in a guys apartment without him knowing about it? Turns out it's the 'Most disturbing viral ad you'll see all week.' (observers.france24.com)	(76)
	Despite massive personal risks, North Koreans are starting to openly protest, criticize their government (forbes.com)	(123)
	Seal pup found wandering a few miles from the ocean. Maybe he was going clubbing? (cnews.canoe.ca)	(33)
(The Frisky)	Old & busted: Finding dates online. New hotness: Hiring Suresh in Bangalore to find you dates online (thefrisky.com)	(61)
	Knoxville teen, found in exploded house, thought to have been killed by house exploding (tennessean.com)	(84)
(CNNGo)	Computer use is causing character flaws in China (cnngo.com)	(90)
	Airline bomb plotter jailed for life, thanks Allah he wasn't sentenced to layover in Heathrow Terminal 5 (guardian.co.uk)	(60)
	7 foods experts won't eat. Scrapple mysteriously missing from the list (shine.yahoo.com)	(654)
	If you get a TV remote control stuck in your ass after what is described as "a drunken prank", rest assured you will make Fark.com. X-rays? Bonus (mirror.co.uk)	(292)
(Some Guy)	"Rule No. 2: Santa doesn't get arrested, because that just looks bad. So while this is a pub crawl that starts at 10AM (...), maintaining a level of decorum is essential." (nbcnewyork.com)	(44)
	Smith also admitted to police that she sodomized the victim, saying, "that she did this as a joke." (bangordailynews.com)	(313)
	Authorites tell scared woman with a 12-foot python in her front yard to smash it with a shovel. They're now thinking that maybe this was a misnake (wtsp.com)	(76)
(Daily Courier)	Dude, I got an idea... Instead of cinders or salt let's put a crap load of broken glass on the roads all over town in a snow storm. It's brilliant (dcourier.com)	(170)
	There are too many Chihuahuas in California. Maybe they should patrol the border a little better? (cnews.canoe.ca)	(90)
	"The Salahis are now struggling with a fate so rich with irony it seems like something O. Henry scripted: besotted with fame and media attention, but in so much trouble that when every TV show comes calling, they have to say no" (nytimes.com)	(150)
(Some Guy)	As God as my witness - I thought turkeys could drive (newschannel5.com)	(28)
	Chinese couple get a mobile phone for their six-day old son. Sounds like a fair exchange (en.rian.ru)	(49)
	Simply the coolest underwater pictures you'll see today, in more ways than one (telegraph.co.uk)	(164)
	UPS truck skids on snowy road - into the path of an oncoming train. Fortunately, uniform pants were already brown (burlingtonfreepress.com)	(43)
(Some Pelican)	Photoshop this newly unendangered Brown Pelican (img39.imageshack.us)	(39)
	Dartmouth's obscene heckling of Harvard at a recent squash match is wrinkling up sweater vests throughout the Ivy League (boston.com)	(137)
(Some Guy)	"The truth is that there are millions of American men who find older women attractive, and we will prove it on the Cougar Cruise." (heraldsun.com.au)	(500)
	A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, merciless to POWs, obedient, cheerful, brave, clean and reverent. Wait, what? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(107)
(Some Guy)	Fark's official weapon has been found (hero-gear.com)	(184)
	New Orleans thug robs "Lucky Dog" vendor near Bourbon Street... A vendor who happens to be a Marine (nola.com)	(206)
	Ric Romero: Tattoos could destroy your chance at getting a job. 1 hour ago via Facebook for iPhone (cbs2chicago.com)	(259)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop your 2010 predictions (horribleville.com)	(52)
	Chemical compound found in hops may prevent prostate cancer. It probably doesn't, but drink your beer, just to be on the safe side (usatoday.com)	(44)
	Meet Oscar The Bald Parrot, whose owner says he is one of the friendli .... OMFG KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE (thesun.co.uk)	(164)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 240: "Low Key." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(132)

Wed December 09, 2009

	Kids fleeing gunshots run into pub for cover. Pausing only to gather up his massive, clanking steel balls, pub owner ambles out to check if his wife is OK, casually disarms crazed gunman, holds him for the cops (with video goodness) (news.bbc.co.uk)	(171)
	Religion in America is now similar to a mix 'n match value menu. You can order a crispy ranch melt, three cheezapeno poppers and a choconut bar to fill the empty void inside, but you will have no idea what you just ate or why you wanted it (msnbc.msn.com)	(334)
(Some Guy)	Cops say man "raped a prostitute, sold her to other men and then recruited more prostitutes." That sounds so much worse than "was a pimp" (www2.nbc4i.com)	(73)
	Spend trillions of dollars to combat climate change, or face "extinction of the human race". OOGABOOGA ARE YOU SCARED YET? (nytimes.com)	(659)
(Some Guy)	Not News: Someone parked illegally. News: Fire Truck needs the spot. Fark: Violator is a Parking Enforcement vehicle (citypaper.net)	(87)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this pianist and his fans (do-while.com)	(39)
	Neighbors beg a woman to stop feeding the vultures. Wish she would just carrion with her life (azcentral.com)	(91)
	Woman who drank herself unconscious sues hospital for resulting leg amputations; not expected to stand up in court (startribune.com)	(295)
	Never visited any remote Pacific islands like Tahiti before? Better hurry before they're drowned (abcnews.go.com)	(256)
	Today's Fark-ready headline: Boise boy licks pole, gets stuck (azcentral.com)	(69)
	Australia on collision course with giant iceberg. Crikey (telegraph.co.uk)	(85)
(Some Guy)	Animal survives in wild (nbcnewyork.com)	(100)
	Woman spraypaints message on her house that wishes Hitler was her neighbor instead of her homeowner's association, offending Hitler (clickorlando.com)	(196)
	Lou Dobbs to Mexican immigrants: "Whatever you have thought of me in the past, I can tell you right now that I am one of your greatest friends and I mean for us to work together" (wnd.com)	(206)
	The #1 reason why not to take something from the fridge that doesn't belong to you...it might be pee (connect2utah.com)	(84)
	FEMA says your family wants practical gifts this Christmas. Stuff like a fire extinguisher, duct tape, plastic sheeting, canned goods, fleshlights, radio, bottled water (news.yahoo.com)	(127)
(Some Guy)	In what could be a new euphemism, a man was arrested for "punching his pitbull" in a Wal-mart parking lot (thecitizen.com)	(73)
(Some Guy)	Flight Data Recorder: Flight Deck door on AA Flight 77 was never opened before it plunged into the Pentagon. Hijackers must have been hiding in the glove compartment (pilotsfor911truth.org)	(669)
	Denver ignores physical laws, is now colder than absolute zero (9news.com)	(167)
	Seven horrifying cosmetic surgeries. Bonus: Sharp knee surgery included (cracked.com)	(104)
	Bottoms up for Sweden as bishop blasts pastor over anal sex outburst (thelocal.se)	(61)
	Wells Fargo forecloses on animal shelter, refuses to let the building's owner tend to the animals, and basically lets the animals fend for themselves. You bet some people have a problem with this (consumerist.com)	(236)
	Glenn Beck's surivivalist rants urging his listeners to stock up on "Guns, God, and Gold", may have something to do with the fact that he is an undisclosed paid spokesman for a major gold-trading firm (news.yahoo.com)	(421)
	Explicit MySpace and text messages get Louisiana man charged with "Improper solicitation of a juvenile." So what's the proper way to do it, then? (nola.com)	(69)
	Remember all the talk about the CERN Collider creating black holes? You don't? Well last night, Norwegians sure as hell did (dailymail.co.uk)	(688)
	Book returned to Ohio library after 60 years...dewey prosecute him? (news.yahoo.com)	(44)
	Indianapolis traffic tickets cost you $150 if you did it and $2,500 if you didn't do it (thenewspaper.com)	(141)
	Scottish babysitter does the "I've fallen and I'm too drunk to get up" thing. In traffic. Dropping the toddler she's watching, and overturning the stroller full of booze (news.stv.tv)	(63)
(KULR)	Investigators say the pilot of a small plane that crashed was neither drunk nor high (enough) (kulr8.com)	(37)
	One more time for those who missed the memo: 1. Since you might someday lose your mobile phone, don't use it to shoot videos of sex. 2. Particularly your own. 3. Especially if it's with your dog (edinburghnews.scotsman.com)	(144)
	Holy cow (telegraph.co.uk)	(69)
	"Oh no. My windshield is busted...That's okay, I'll use this cardboard...Oh no. Now I can't see...That's okay, I'll just stick my head out the window...Oh no. My eyes are frozen shut...Now I REALLY can't see" (metro.co.uk)	(66)
(La Crosse Tribune)	A blood-alcohol level of .39 will do a number on anyone's liver, but what's really impressive is that this guy did it with a loaner (lacrossetribune.com)	(85)
	Photoshop this lit up lady bird (inapcache.boston.com)	(28)
	Ever wonder just what protocol the TSA uses to ruin your flight? ABC news provides a handy link to an easily uncensored copy of their screening guidelines and what your fake CIA credentials should look like (abcnews.go.com)	(184)
	Two hot teachers didn't get the memo about having sex with students, are suspended from their jobs for sex... with each other. (Pics) (nydailynews.com)	(532)
	Michigan police on the hunt for "Bad Breath Bandit." The Scope of his crime wave? He a-Certs himself, hints that there's a gum in his pocket, then makes off with a mint (news.sky.com)	(33)
	Man spends $700,000 visiting every country in the world and comes back with some of the worst vacation photos ever. "Many of his snaps are taken in offices and in front of buildings instead of at top tourist sites" (news.com.au)	(157)
	Obama's top General floats novel idea.. "How 'bout we try to catch Bin Laden for the first time in 8 years"? (msnbc.msn.com)	(218)
	Woman scares away home invader by invoking the spirit of Fred Sanford (kansascity.com)	(47)
	Photoshop this curling flame (inapcache.boston.com)	(24)
(Coco the monkey)	Cute, Cuter, THE CUTEST (no honestly) (cuternet.com)	(117)
	Woman arrested for sneak attack on boyfriend. Wait. No. Woman arrested for STEAK attack on boyfriend. Wow, that's rare (thesmokinggun.com)	(76)
	War veteran is allowed to keep his flag on his lawn (foxnews.com)	(302)
(Springfield Republican)	Amtrak sets record as Americans take average of 0.0023 trips each during Thanksgiving week (masslive.com)	(117)

Tue December 08, 2009

	"Food swaps" catching on among groups whose members enjoy cooking large batches of food and swapping them with other people who have similarly laughable ideas of sanitation and food safety (theglobeandmail.com)	(96)
	Hipsters and Hasids battle over bike paths on Bedford Avenue in Brooklyn (nypost.com)	(202)
	If you find dead bear remains on the side of the road, let 'em go, man, cause they're gone (orlandosentinel.com)	(60)
	Darwin 1, Chemistry student 0 (news.com.au)	(169)
	New study finds that casual sex does not lead to low self-esteem. Burning pee and syphilis, yes, but not low self-esteem (startribune.com)	(244)
	Real-life Edward scissorhands invents "The Clawz" That cuts hair twice as fast: "Customers are a bit apprehensive at first when they see my smiling face with my razor sharp fingers" (thesun.co.uk)	(85)
(Some New Yorker)	Today at Starbucks, a man slaps another man because he did not do anything to comfort or quiet his crying child (brooklynheightsblog.com)	(296)
	Squirrel knocks out power to 9,000 people in Ohio (w/ pic of what squirrels celebrating a major power outage in Ohio might look like) (blog.cleveland.com)	(89)
	Russians royally farked by overwhelming amount of horse. This is not a repeat from the 1700s (npr.org)	(202)
	Fotochop dis kat (farm4.static.flickr.com)	(57)
	An armed man speaking in tongues who says he was trying to protect his mother from vampires has one question for police: "How long does PCP stay in your system?" (blogs.kansascity.com)	(49)
	Unknown gal steals unmarked car from plainclothes cop (nj.com)	(58)
(Some Guy)	Environmentalists seek to wipe out soft toilet paper - or at least put the skids to it (mcclatchydc.com)	(268)
(YDR)	Amish man arrested for DUI. He and his horse blew a 0.18 (ydr.inyork.com)	(102)
(Houston Press)	Lawyer sues soup kitchen for serving homeless people too close to his office. Have yourself a NIMBY little Christmas (blogs.houstonpress.com)	(411)
	"___ has developed a reputation as a sort of impromptu fight club, a place where fisticuffs break out..." Is this a) a mall parking lot, b) a street corner, or (c) Chuck E. Cheese? (chicagotribune.com)	(137)
	Scientists say 2009 will be the fifth-warmest year ever recorded and before you ask, no you can't see the thermometer and they accidentally threw out the envelope they used to write down all the data (iol.co.za)	(973)
	Monopoly voted "best value" game by a bunch of kids who don't know all their two-letter words, consistently waste their blanks and the S, and take too long to make a move (telegraph.co.uk)	(397)
	Bottom line: there is a rising need for flare gun safety courses (rgj.com)	(60)
	Fvdfzsrsazxzzxcvbnm adgfhjjkqwrtyuuuiop (news.sky.com)	(153)
	The only thing worse than having to rescue a swimming cow from Darwin harbor is finding the cow doesn't particularly want to be rescued (pic) (thesun.co.uk)	(59)
(Some Guy)	TFette's baby was born with heart problems; we've watched his progress and were sad to see him finally pass away last Tuesday. There's a new angel up there but the medical bills remain here; please donate a little bit if you can (ichuckpens.info)	(434)
	Admittedly, Scotswomen do tend to be somewhat round, pale and lumpy, but that's still no reason to go after one with a potato peeler (news.stv.tv)	(54)
(KSL.com)	Poinsettia: Poin-set-ah, Poin-set-ee-ah, or filler story on a slow news day? (ksl.com)	(113)
	The "best" of the um, aughts? (sponsored link) (ifc.com)	(49)
	100-year-old says you're only as old as the kiddies you feel (buffalonews.com)	(177)
	Swedish group wants to change hymen to "vaginal corona." Won't the lime sting? (thelocal.se)	(130)
	Taking advantage of a city gripped by football fever, thieves launch daring $6m raid. Somebody should really make a film out of this (news.bbc.co.uk)	(24)
	Photoshop theme: unneeded movie sequels (images.google.com)	(90)
(CBS 6 Albany)	Asking your dad if he has an old hat to donate to your school's fundraising auction works a little better when your dad is Captain Sully Sullenberger. (eBay link in story) (cbs6albany.com)	(51)
	Doctor who attended JFK in the Dallas ER 46 years ago, mysteriously dies of a long battle with lung cancer. Wake up, sheeple (news.yahoo.com)	(114)
	US tells Pakistan to get with the bad guy killin' in their tribal regions or they'll do it for them (nytimes.com)	(124)
	When you catch your 19 year old daughter nailing her boyfriend, punching, handcuffing, and putting your gun to his head is a tad excessive, Mom. Just sayin' (sun-sentinel.com)	(351)
(Some Guy)	Nanny State throws man in jail for four months for carrying a Batman movie knife. Judge explains: "This knife is extraordinarily sharp and very pointed" (wigantoday.net)	(256)
	Autism seen as asset, not liability, in some jobs and getting greenlit submissions on Fark (msnbc.msn.com)	(245)
	You can turn any movie title into a musical by adding an exclamation point to the end. Let's come up with some new musical ideas (fark.com)	(942)
(Some Guy)	Boy scout thrilled to earn his "boning the den mother" merit badge (bnd.com)	(191)
	Office Christmas parties are much more fun if you have access to an ambulance and two canisters of Nitrous Oxide (thelocal.se)	(32)
	When Santa is naked on the front lawn, kids are gonna start asking questions (wtsp.com)	(23)
	You know there's a recession on when you can't even afford to die (lep.co.uk)	(42)
	13-year old girl leads police on a high speed chase. In other news, a 1994 Pontiac Grand Am is a "muscle car" (foxnews.com)	(147)
	Good idea: Teaching your teenager to drive. Bad idea: Near a pond, in an SUV containing your whole family (jacksonville.com)	(92)
	New Zealand police unveil their latest high-tech weapon in the fight against dangerous drivers: Licorice (stuff.co.nz)	(32)
	Chinese couple signs contract guaranteeing one spousal beating a week (telegraph.co.uk)	(56)
(WebMD)	CDC says swine flu was less severe than everyone feared as evidenced by the fact that you're alive to read this headline right now (webmd.com)	(100)
	Caption Robert Downey Jr. in this awkward moment (upi.com)	(73)
	Woman removed from Tiger's home on advanced life support, so that's a two-stroke penalty (wesh.com)	(425)
(News-Tribune)	Man appeals his case all the way to state supreme court and wins, after lady cop falsely tickets him for driving the wrong way on the freeway (thenewstribune.com)	(192)
	Not a fetish just a smuggler. A man with busy panties full of little lizards (thelocal.de)	(25)
	Photoshop this Lighted House (flickr.com)	(26)
(Some Chick)	Four days after a red can was placed on the customer service counter at a Kmart employees finally opened it to find springy snakes shooting out. Nah, just kidding...there was $10,380 inside (kcrg.com)	(40)
(Some Guy)	Those "leave your cell phone in the car" warnings on gas pumps are there for a reason (w/video) (wkyt.com)	(231)
(Volunteer TV)	Annual reading of Christmas story cancelled from tree lighting ceremony, because one person called Mayor's office asking "Is it legal?" (volunteertv.com)	(389)
	Not News: Lawsuit in Canada over music piracy. News: the infringement is valued at 60 billion. Fark: The infringers are Sony, Warner, EMI, and Universal music (boingboing.net)	(139)
	If there was ever a reason to click through a slide show, this is it: Girls with tattoos (orlandosentinel.com)	(549)

Mon December 07, 2009

(Worcester News)	Blind foreign exchange students celebrate 20 years of coming to Worcester, or so they've been led to believe (worcesternews.co.uk)	(47)
(Ric Romero)	Ric Romero has a fan page on Facebook, it's woefully unpopulated. Please help and become a fan, this man is a legend -Drew (facebook.com)	(912)
(Some Bird)	Photoshop this crowned birdie (upload.wikimedia.org)	(20)
	Caption this foot to the face (online.wsj.com)	(57)
	"10 Video Games to Cross Off Your Child's Gift List." Just in case you were thinking "Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony" would be the perfect thing for 8-year-old Susie (well.blogs.nytimes.com)	(232)
	Teens who get The Talk from their parents wait longer before having sex, since it takes time for the creeped out feeling to go away (news.yahoo.com)	(290)
	Sheriff Joe Arpaio must be doing something right because he's managed to rack up $7 million in legal fees in the past year (azcentral.com)	(137)
	NASA employee insists (fairy) tale of porn-watching Muslim hijackers is true (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(205)
	You want to see your incarcerated boyfriend. Do you a) wait for visiting hours? b) wait for him to do his time? c) get drunk and steal nearly $600 worth of meat? (kansascity.com)	(37)
	Bartender refuses to serve alcohol to man because he appeared loaded. Unfortunately so was the AK-47 (boston.com)	(222)
	Six mile trail of mixed guts, up to 30cm deep in places, causing traffic accidents. That's offal (nzherald.co.nz)	(70)
(Some Guy)	A female polar bear named Aisaqvaq, gives birth to two cubs at a Canadian Zoo. Employees state she is exhibiting good maternal behavior which is great since last time she gave birth to a cub she ate it (melodika.net)	(72)
(Some Guy)	PETA would like to place a statue of an angry, bandaged, bloodied, crippled chicken on crutches on a Louisville sidewalk. Louisville coincidentally is the home of KFC (courier-journal.com)	(349)
	Man says neighbor's cows caused $100 in damage by licking his house (kansascity.com)	(50)
	Photoshop this hammering homebuilder (online.wsj.com)	(33)
	Struggling to decide on a Christmas present for your wife this year? Have you considered paying someone to shove a large refrigerated metal device into her genitals? (gawker.com)	(125)
(WPTZ.com)	With the ongoing deer season, hunters should first know the difference between a deer and a llama (wptz.com)	(77)
	Tiger's First... Front... Back... whatever, he's got 9 now and there's a golf reference in there somewhere (nypost.com)	(600)
	Problem: city fails to salt streets after overnight snowfall Solution: blame unreliable weather forecasters (indystar.com)	(102)
	Iran to Bolivia: Here's $1.2 million toward a new hospital. By the way, could you make the nurses wear the hijab? Awesome, thanks (corner.nationalreview.com)	(150)
(Drew)	As the year draws to a close, Drew wants to know: what thread or story on Fark made you laugh the most this year? Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/29 - 12/5 (fark.com)	(114)
	Two men make 28,000 fake hotel reservations for points to make not-so-fake hotel reservations (examiner.com)	(83)
	Classic pictures of people drinking. This is what Fark parties looked like before the Interweb (todayspictures.slate.com)	(102)
	For just $150,000, you can own a condo in upper Manhattan. As long as you don't mind living in 175 square feet, not cooking, and storing your clothes at the dry cleaners (nypost.com)	(458)
	"You want a transgender discrimination lawsuit with that?" (clickorlando.com)	(339)
	"There are certain things a suspect expects a cop to say and 'always blow on the pie' is not one of them" (thesun.co.uk)	(56)
	Once again, another story about a lesbian has men around the world bashing the bishop (independent.co.uk)	(106)
	EPA to issue an endangerment finding on Greenhouse Gases, allowing their regulation by the Federal Government under the Clean Air Act (greeninc.blogs.nytimes.com)	(456)
(indychannel)	Upset over a teacher's disciplinary tactics with your child? That's a stapler to the head (theindychannel.com)	(53)
	Man arrested for giving his wife the ol' burgerface (wtsp.com)	(117)
	"Singing karaoke keeps porn star industry humming" (ajc.com)	(112)
	France in mourning after the death of a 146-year old known for his "demonstrative lovemaking" (guardian.co.uk)	(60)
	If you don't want to walk home in the cold, you could take a bus, or a cab, or even hitchhike. But for Fark's sake, don't carjack an off-duty cop. We guarantee you'll be sorry (cbs2chicago.com)	(38)
	Photoshop this crewwoman caging cones (inapcache.boston.com)	(28)
	The War on Christmas™? At my climate change conference? It's more likely than you think (politico.com)	(176)
	If you don't remember why December 7 is an important day, this guy remembers (usatoday.com)	(518)
(Some Guy)	Train buffs arrested after building their own locomotive out of spare parts, garden furniture and beer crates and running it on a public rail line. "It seems to be one of those mad pub ideas that actually happened," police note (pic) (policeoracle.com)	(89)
	The six scariest processed foods the world has ever seen, or as they are known in America, 'lunch' (alternet.org)	(535)
	1,200 limos, 140 private planes and caviar wedges galore. Yep, the Climate Summit (telegraph.co.uk)	(590)
(Some Guy)	4-hour search with helicopter and bloodhounds caused by a bridesmaid getting so drunk at the reception she couldn't find her way back to where she was staying (brisbanetimes.com.au)	(30)
	West Dorset police, called to investigate mysterious incidents of horse's manes being plaited, respond in a logical, rational manner. They consult a warlock (telegraph.co.uk)	(62)
(Some Guy)	Today's Instashop Challenge: "Can you photoshop my six-month old on his sled onto some extreme mountains for our Christmas Card?" (i.imgur.com)	(76)
(SunHerald)	Juggalo threatens victim with hatchet, body lice (sunherald.com)	(270)
	Let's go over this one more time: when an Australian man has gone missing without a trace, check every nearby pub FIRST (themercury.com.au)	(24)
	Gold E. Locks arrested for breaking into house (bostonherald.com)	(59)
	Photoshop this yawning young man (inapcache.boston.com)	(52)