Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-11-08

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Not News Sports Business Geek Showbiz Politics Music Video All

Sun November 08, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Afghans replace opium poppies with bumper wheat crop, gluten intolerance grips nation (bloomberg.com)	(57)
		Investigative journalism class frees 11 innocent people from prison. So the prosecutor subpoenas their grades. Wait, what? (suntimes.com)	(177)
		Photoshop theme: Elderly superheros or supervillains (images.mirror.co.uk)	(60)
		Suicidal, gold-medal winning, former Naval Academy water polo star plunges 212 feet off the GWB into 55 degree water, survives, decides he wants to live, inexplicably swims towards New Jersey (nypost.com)	(98)
		NY Times reporter tries to learn about Scientology by taking their free personality test. All goes well until someone Googles her name (nytimes.com)	(206)
		A Woman and her two sons live in a rusty 1973 Suburban in Los Angeles. Fark: She's 97 and her sons are in their 60's (latimes.com)	(183)
		Pro-rape group sets up pro-rape page on Facebook. They like pro-rape (news.com.au)	(262)
		American cities on verge of rat invasion (abcnews.go.com)	(187)
		Remember that boy who fled chemotherapy due to his religious beliefs? He's now free of cancer. Thank God. Or modern medicine, in this case (foxnews.com)	(245)
		Put down the beer and step away from the stove (news.bbc.co.uk)	(59)
		Man steals 72 cans of Red Bull, for that "running away from the cops" speed (buffalonews.com)	(37)
		"Snood" to be hot new fashion accesory this Christmas. The skort called; said it was thankful that finally a piece of clothing was made with a stupider name than it (online.wsj.com)	(204)
		Old wives' tale: "Milk makes mucus." Science says: "Snot true" (abc.net.au)	(103)
		Madagascar leaders strike power-sharing deal, close ports (edition.cnn.com)	(55)
		Photoshop this camel check (inapcache.boston.com)	(31)
		One researcher says a study has shown that fruit juice is just as bad for you as soda. Looks like submitter's back to having plain old vodka for breakfast (latimes.com)	(192)
		"A woman was caught driving Thursday evening with a half bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila by her side, sliced limes on the console - and two children as passengers..." (blogs.tampabay.com)	(93)
		The newspaper business sucks. Do you: C) Sink to "obvious troll is obvious" levels just to drive readership? (startribune.com)	(164)
(Press Democrat)		Driver convicted of speeding after judge and prosecutor agree that GPS data showing him going 45 in a 45 zone was accurate (pressdemocrat.com)	(217)
(Some Haligonian)		Anti-vaxer explains how helicopter parenting is keeping her children healthy (thecoast.ca)	(398)
		Luck O'the Irish: TSA wants tickets to match ID's, but ticket machines can only print "O'Donnel" as "Odonnel", "O'Reilly" as "Oreilly" O'damn (abcnews.go.com)	(161)
(Some Guy)		9 year old thwarts carjacker, in doing so saves his three siblings, gets Golden Cojones Award of the day (dailymail.com)	(78)
		Maryland is being overrun with mutant squirrels (baltimoresun.com)	(86)
		Who names a hurricane "Ida"? Seriously, it sounds like that crazy aunt who would always pinch your cheeks at Thanksgving. Oh, and it's ready to pinch Cuba's cheek (upi.com)	(69)
(WMTW 8)		Stuck on an island? No problem, we'll send a fireboat - er, a police boat. Um, the Coast Guard? How about a tow truck? (wmtw.com)	(26)
		Your trip may not have been uphill both ways, but it probably was longer than the 96 seconds these kids spend on their flight to school (google.com)	(46)
(MLive)		Hey, here comes the face-painting, cotton candy and heroin truck again (mlive.com)	(22)
(Some Guy)		Just 1 of 248 reasons why you never take your wife with you to a strip club (kitsapsun.com)	(126)
		Photoshop two movie posters into one (fark.com)	(97)
		The best reproductions of famous art masterpieces using coffee instead of paint you'll see, well... let's be honest, ever (gizmodo.com)	(34)
		Identical twins will celebrate their 100th birthday on 12/24. Pic bonus: The one on the left dyes her hair red to "stay young." (sun-sentinel.com)	(85)
		Prized mushroom collection returns to China. Wait, is that wall moving? (news.yahoo.com)	(24)
		Can a boy wear a skirt to school? (nytimes.com)	(340)
(neatorama)		Big Ben chimes each hour to over 6,000 followers on Twitter (neatorama.com)	(56)

Sat November 07, 2009

	House passes healthcare reform bill, no word on whether it will cover Lupus (thehill.com)	(2723)
(Pay in Quatloos)	Economic hard times continue, with sixtyish perverts in parks now offering women only $4 for sex (mywebtimes.com)	(53)
(KTRE)	Teacher sues Texas for forcing her to take Mark of the Beast and dooming her to eternal torment (ktre.com)	(161)
	Top 50 things restaurant employees should never, ever do in presence of guests (boss.blogs.nytimes.com)	(533)
(Some Quacker)	Caption these ducks (kolyan.net)	(65)
(The Register-Guard)	Bad: You and an intruder get into a fight & you break your hand on his face. Worse: The police sic a K9 on the intruder. Fark: They sic the K9 on the wrong person, despite warnings from a neighbor (registerguard.com)	(102)
	Theme: Palindromes (fark.com)	(124)
	Example of reality art: lawmaker is sculpted in cow manure (denverpost.com)	(25)
	For all the "Hold my beer and watch this" crowd, you now don't have to burn your house down this Thanksgiving (www2.tbo.com)	(89)
	Boy who left Vietnam as a 5-year-old refugee crammed onto a fishing trawler returns 34 years later with his own boat. FARK: As the commander of a U.S. Navy destroyer (news.yahoo.com)	(187)
	Miss England, who looks like a drag queen, steps down after nightclub brawl. Please welcome her replacement at Miss World, L/Cpl Katrina Hodge, the hottest woman in uniform (news.bbc.co.uk)	(130)
	17-year-old who thought the "pain and agony" he dealt with when running was normal, finds out he's had Cystic Fibrosis, should be dead or in critical condition. Decides to keep running, and winning (dallasnews.com)	(139)
(Some Couple)	Photoshop this bon voyage bid (de.img.seen.by)	(51)
(Some Junior Jedi)	Hasboro is having a diorama contest for their toys. Top 5 here. Much better than my use of toilet paper tubes and empty cereal boxes (hasbro.com)	(90)
	"Everything on eBay is fake or a rip-off" Yeah, tell that to the guy who picked up a lost Chaplin film there for $5.68 (thestar.com)	(117)
(Some Guy)	Christmas 1, Godless heathens 0 (weaselzippers.net)	(287)
(Some Guy)	Russia vs. Georgia II: Caucasus Boogaloo (swissinfo.ch)	(99)
(Some Lonley Guy)	Ladies and Gentlemen, the Solo-Operable Seesaw (patentlysilly.com)	(47)
	Male strippers everywhere afraid of the chilling effect of this latest Illinois arrest (suntimes.com)	(35)
	Three doctors and a nurse arrested in Mexico City for selling babies after telling mothers their babies had died. So much for kid pro quo (independent.co.uk)	(70)
	New York City bans flavored tobacco to fight the scourge of calabash smoking among urban youth. Tweed jackets tremble in fear (reason.com)	(105)
	That papaya you were about to eat? Its a trap (chicagotribune.com)	(38)
	Nearly two-thirds of workers over 50 say they will have to delay their retirement due to the economy. Nearly all workers under 50 ask, "What is this retirement thing you speak of?" (fe24.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(177)
	Congratulations, Atlanta: Your city is the most toxic in the United States (forbes.com)	(91)
(Hulu)	Carl Sagan hould have turned 75 today. Here's a little thing he threw together called "Cosmos" (hulu.com)	(182)
(Some Guy)	Closing time--one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time--you don't have to go home, but please don't get angry and assault people here (thesunnews.com)	(33)
	ABCNews wants to teach you how to be a better criminal (abcnews.go.com)	(61)
	The Royal Navy couldn't silence the USS Constitution's guns. Nor could the Barbary pirates. But she never met an enemy as fearsome as the Charlestown yuppies (bostonherald.com)	(331)
(Some Darned Guy)	Not news: woman puts down needle and thread for the night. News: cat swallows the whole thing. Caturday: cat has surgery and is doing fine (w/pic) (getsurrey.co.uk)	(762)
	In the "Old news is so exciting" file: a new article about pictures of Carrie Fisher and her stunt double sunbathing while wearing the slave bikini during filming of Return of the Jedi in 1983 (dailymail.co.uk)	(165)
	Photoshop this U.N. member with many mics (online.wsj.com)	(49)
	Editor: I have always disliked that particular mug shot of mine taken at police headquarters. Please find enclosed a recent photo to use as a replacement. Sincerely, Dumbass (upi.com)	(36)
	Students should never underestimate the importance of cliff notes (telegraph.co.uk)	(42)
(wbns)	You ask a girl out on a date and she refuses, do you C) Destroy her dead mother's grave with a sledgehammer (10tv.com)	(63)
	Man found hanged in his own flat with no signs of struggle and no toxins in his body, so Ceredigion police take appropriate action: conduct a £20,000 investigation because a psychic said that he was forced to drink bleach (guardian.co.uk)	(34)
	Teen has been deemed not intelligent enough to be a mom; flees with her baby's daddy who they deemed too smart to marry her (dailymail.co.uk)	(145)
	Life is not so good: You're a confidential informant for the police. Life is GREAT: You get paid to have sex at a massage parlor, PLUS 180 dollars extra cash "for your troubles" AND you get away with it (abcnews.go.com)	(45)
	What do you do if your car is impounded and you need to go to court for auto theft charges? This is Fark so I think you know the answer (cbs5.com)	(24)
	Cop who took down Ft. Hood shooter ran INTO the line of fire, huge brass balls clanking the whole way (nytimes.com)	(391)
	Groom on honeymoon jumps from hotel window and dies. Whew That was a close one (nypost.com)	(134)

Fri November 06, 2009

	Photoshop this skeleton crew (inapcache.boston.com)	(34)
	Some doctors say - get this - swine flu is "overplayed by media, public health" (cbc.ca)	(376)
	I didn't have to submit this mugshot roundup, but the Devil made me do it (thesmokinggun.com)	(232)
	Future NYC cab driver happy she passed the written part of the driver's test. Fark: on her 950th try (9news.com)	(91)
	It's a modern-day version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, except Goldilocks is a sleepwalking guy and the bears beat the sh*t out of him (news.yahoo.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)	"This is your captain speaking. You might notice a large chunk of the tail falling toward the ground. Its ok, we won't need that part till we land. Thank you for flying Delta Air." (macon.com)	(148)
	Scientists map the body's bacteria. Your mom alone required a team of Sherpas, a wing of the NIH Library, and the efforts of the entire National Geographic Society (news.bbc.co.uk)	(97)
	Fort Hood suspect Hasan went into a 7-Eleven morning of shooting to buy coffee. (With video and analysis of Hasan buying coffee at 7-Eleven.) (cnn.com)	(501)
	Photoshop these doughnuts (telegram.com)	(43)
	Parents should not "look down" on comics as they are just as good for children as reading books, says the Best. Study. Ever (telegraph.co.uk)	(331)
(Some Correctness)	Superhero Smackdown Semifinal: Batman vs The Flash (thecorrectness.com)	(342)
	A former mayor can't get blind drunk and make lewd remarks to colleagues anymore? What kind of world do we live in? (thesun.co.uk)	(47)
	Corrected: SAT NOV 7th Atlanta @ Twain's - Combo Fark Party / book release party for Mentally Incontinent, join Drew and Joe and others for big funs (fark.com)	(88)
(wsbtv.com)	VW van stolen 35 years ago is found in pristine condition, now worth about $27,000. So much for drive-off depreciation (wsbtv.com)	(116)
	Not news: Locals set up a shrine for victim of car acccident. News: The victim is a local celebrity. Fark: It's a squirrel (news.bbc.co.uk)	(58)
(Asbury Park Pres)	"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." However, flipping your mail truck after getting into a collision with a Civic is a valid excuse (app.com)	(26)
	Teen set on fire gets an apology, though a few blasts from a fire extinguisher would have been appreciated as well (cnn.com)	(137)
	If you dress your child in camouflage, you are a bad parent (csmonitor.com)	(311)
	Not wanting to lose the title of most batsh*t crazy state in the US, Florida gunman goes on a rampage in an office building. At least 8 shot, 2 possibly dead (abcactionnews.com)	(930)
(Some Guy)	Man lands 157-pound tuna. From his kayak (capecodonline.com)	(94)
	The DMV is destroying the hearts and minds of married women who've changed their names (washingtonpost.com)	(248)
	Today's Friday Photo Fun is matching the woman to her BAC. You can see it in her eyes. Contest ends at 4pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(120)
	In a turn of events rarely seen outside a John Hughes movie, a geeky math student becomes a national hero for daring to criticize Iran's supreme leader to his face during a Q&A at his university (news.yahoo.com)	(110)
(some prude)	But, but ... but, it's just a cheeky ad (sunshinecoastdaily.com.au)	(124)
(Daily Lobo)	New Mexico creative writing professors battle university for the right to pose with students on a sadomasochism website (dailylobo.com)	(77)
(Some Guy)	Not only does this guy call 911 to report his stolen pot, but he makes the dispatcher hold while he stops his car a few times to vomit. Yes, alcohol was involved (statesmanjournal.com)	(28)
	Man arrested for having sex without a license (heraldtribune.com)	(47)
	Over the past few years, Californians have suffered a devastating epidemic of diseases and illnesses, all of which, strangely, only medical marijuana can cure (news.yahoo.com)	(227)
	First member of Texas polygamist sect tried and convicted of statutory rape. Sentencing has been delayed as the court tries to come up with a worse punishment than having nine wives (news.yahoo.com)	(120)
(Florida Today)	Graffitti artist apologizes for unfinished work (w/pic of work and apology) (floridatoday.com)	(75)
	Atheism itself isn't a movement; it's a non-prophet organization (guardian.co.uk)	(426)
	Ok, so my dog killed my husband in one bite during a game of fetch, but that's no reason to get rid of it (dailymail.co.uk)	(216)
(Gaston Gazette)	Tired of trees, toast, etc., Jesus decides to start appearing on man's pickup truck (gastongazette.com)	(51)
	Babies start to pick up mother's accent while still in the womb, which means there's no hope for you, Boston (news.bbc.co.uk)	(138)
	Pakistan's troops engage Taliban headquarters, seek vent with access to central reactor (reuters.com)	(84)
(Some Guy)	Seattle to host conference of atheists and agnostics. (Agnostics may or may not make it) (theolympian.com)	(196)
	Swine flu vaccine finally comes in, gets distributed to high-risk individuals like pregnant women, infants and children and executives at Citigroup and Goldman Sachs (dailykos.com)	(254)
(Some Guy)	When you wrap yourself in a "High School Musical" blanket, it's a bit hard to get people to take you seriously when you try to rob them (thepeterboroughexaminer.com)	(8)
	A question rarely asked: What DOES happen to a whacky, armed to the teeth, doomsday cult after the all-powerful, charismatic leader snuffs it? (news.yahoo.com)	(183)
	Don't be photographed urinating over a war memorial if you can't do the time (nydailynews.com)	(67)
	You knew the girls on dating sites were fakes. But did you know they were fakes set up by the companies that run the dating sites? (news.com.au)	(407)
	More and more school systems are abandoning paper report cards for online accounts. What could possibly go wrong? (usatoday.com)	(61)
	Montgomery County, Maryland, learns what happens when you let 1970s-era computers control your entire traffic system (washingtonpost.com)	(98)
(Some Jedi)	Photoshop Challenge: Lightsabers make everything cooler (geekstir.com)	(115)
(journal times)	Poor 19-year-old Wisconsin man tries to sell the right to change his name. Starting bid: $5,000. If we pool our money we could name him "Sir Drewington Von Notnews of Farkinstan" (journaltimes.com)	(146)
	Scientist says Lee Harvey Oswald rifle picture is real, he can tell by the pixels and from having seen a few shops in his time (huffingtonpost.com)	(198)
(Some Guy)	If this taxi's rocking, then don't get too close because the couple inside might beat you with a high-heel shoe just like they did to the cab driver (city-north-messenger.whereilive.com.au)	(14)
	Man makes $90,000 a year just by wearing a different company's t-shirt everyday. Your cubicle just got smaller (news.com.au)	(67)
	Indoor plants can save your life, give you the munchies (telegraph.co.uk)	(27)
	Parents of murdered college student receive $30,000 ER bill, along with a letter admonishing their murdered son not to return to the hospital because of failure to pay his bill (news10.net)	(227)
(Boston Review)	Wikipedians are 80 percent male, more than 65 percent single, more than 85 percent without children, and around 70 percent of them are under the age of 30. Obvious tag is Obvious (bostonreview.net)	(82)
	Judge strikes down LA's Blade Runner billboard law (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(69)
(Some Guy)	Conclusive proof that Drew is sleeping on the job: Louisville beats Lexington for title of city most likely to search for obscene material online (wlky.com)	(19)
	Drunk man calls police twice because someone stole his weed. Then he's arrested for DUI, and tells cops he's looking for person who took his weed (oregonlive.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Police pull over driver with 4 times the legal BAC limit. News: Driver tells police "'Dude, I do this every night'" Fark: Driver's last name? DUIs (chicagobreakingnews.com)	(45)
	Ugly ass bald hedgehog found (vid, pic) (news.bbc.co.uk)	(42)

Thu November 05, 2009

	Last night I hit an elephant in my car. How he got in my car I'll never know (msnbc.msn.com)	(40)
	Great moments in socialized medicine #2,802: More violent crimes are committed in Britain's hospitals by staff than almost anywhere else in the country (telegraph.co.uk)	(112)
	Photoshop this C-5 offloading the Ares I-X rocket tip (inapcache.boston.com)	(38)
(Some Guy)	The coolest collection of ghost town photos that you will see today (dirjournal.com)	(119)
	Fort Hood shooting suspect's condition upgraded to alive (cnn.com)	(921)
	Inmates save prison deputy's life from attacker. With scary as hell mug shots of the "good guys" that helped (www2.tbo.com)	(92)
	San Francisco currently has no acting mayor, plunging the city into lawless, chaos, and general debauchery. Residents don't notice a difference (sfgate.com)	(115)
	2 men have shown that they can't handle a little white snake on the car. For goodness sake, it was only a windshield viper (mirror.co.uk)	(96)
	Police return wandering toddlers to drunk and passed out dad and then call CPS. By the time CPS arrived three hours later dad was again passed out drunk and kids had wandered off (nzherald.co.nz)	(62)
	To Guy Fawkes, the only man to enter Parliament with honest intentions (history.com)	(133)
	Remember yesterday when the striking Philly trains caught on fire? Yeah, well today they killed a guy (mcall.com)	(78)
	Photoshop Theme: the mirror lies (images.google.com)	(60)
(Pasadena Star News)	Go left at the fork in the road - it's eighteen feet tall, you can't miss it (pasadenastarnews.com)	(57)
	Shootings reported at Fort Hood Texas, multiple deaths reported. If only there were qualified people with guns nearby who could defend themselves (msnbc.msn.com)	(2757)
(Some Fawkes)	UK Tip o' the Day: When you're burning Catholics in effigy tonight, it would be totally inappropriate to use old tyres to build the fire (tyrepress.com)	(45)
	Think twice next time before you buy a 14 foot python at pet store, shove it down a drain pipe, then call all the local media to witness your 'dramatic rescue'. With mug shot goodness (wtsp.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)	Belo berated based on bad butt boost (inquirer.net)	(20)
	Schoolboy shot in head with arrow during archery practice. Doctors say only time will tell if he'll recover (mdn.mainichi.jp)	(96)
(Naples Daily News)	Naked Florida man blames parking lot peep show on "explosive diarrhea" (naplesnews.com)	(125)
	NJ man arrested for his Crocodile Dundee Halloween costume, which involved throwing a carving knife at trick-or-treaters (nj.com)	(29)
	Coolest stuff made out of shredded money you'll see all day (myfoxdc.com)	(51)
	The estate of the man who brought hippos to South America and cocaine to North America is now a theme park (foxnews.com)	(33)
(City Pages)	Protip for drive-by shootings: remember to roll down the window (blogs.citypages.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)	Remember when John Lennon said The Beatles were bigger than Jesus? He may have meant Ringo, who is now in the burnt toast, 9/11 smoke, and tree ring image section with the savior (anorak.co.uk)	(71)
(Newsleader)	The reward is now $150,041, which includes $100,000 from an anonymous donor, $50,000 from the band Metallica and $41 from the staff of the United Way in Roanoke (newsleader.com)	(156)
(AdFreak)	Safeway receipts remind customers: "Christ died for OUR PRICES" (adweek.blogs.com)	(64)
	Obama pledges to improve treatment of indian tribes. Native Americans have heard this kind of blanket statement before (google.com)	(205)
	75% of potential U.S. military recruits have the perfect physique and temperament to answer the Call of Duty (washingtonpost.com)	(382)
	California toll road agencies admit it is unfair to fine drivers $78,780 for failing to pay $60.14 in tolls, agree to reduce fines by 29% (thenewspaper.com)	(107)
	Outraged parents group urges network affiliates of a network you've barely heard of until now, not to air an episode of show you never watched, that features its three hot teen stars engaging in a threesome (news.yahoo.com)	(339)
	Driver for brown fails to deliver the green, is now blue after getting the pink (jobs.aol.com)	(83)
	Gay groups vow to reach around Maine defeat and plow forward with new strategies (washingtonpost.com)	(975)
	Seven-month old baby missing for five days found alive. Was under the bed the entire time (news.yahoo.com)	(249)
(WHJJ)	Don't forget your homework, especially at the crime scene (920whjj.com)	(86)
	"Not tonight, honey. I'm allergic to your sperm." (myfoxdc.com)	(131)
(FAIL vs Florida)	A checklist of items to review BEFORE dialing 911 to report you've been robbed: 1) Are the items that were stolen illegal? 2) Am I currently smoking a blunt? 3) Am I likely to forget my own address? - Yes, yes and yes? Welcome to Florida (news4jax.com)	(38)
	Kissing boosts a women's immune system. Her dirty little skank immune system (myfoxdc.com)	(lots)
	Honey, could you put your head in my lap? I need you to blow up my seat belt (usatoday.com)	(86)
	Photoshop what else should be in this room (farm4.static.flickr.com)	(68)
(Some Wise-Guy)	Police asked why someone might have shot up his house: "They must be professional house shooters" (tauntongazette.com)	(64)
	Neither rain, nor sleet, nor three times the legal limit and passed out (sun-sentinel.com)	(22)
	Drunk Scotsman challenges lamp post to fight (news.stv.tv)	(75)
(local 15)	Four people charged with running meth lab and daycare in same house. Neighbor's reaction: "I don't think she did nothing what she done. Come on. Somebody's rolling black ball on her, something." (local15tv.com)	(138)
(Some Guy)	Batman arrested in drunken brawl near market (chroniclelive.co.uk)	(49)
	Photoshop this happy splasher (farm4.static.flickr.com)	(38)
	News: Store owner catches shoplifter. Fark: Police charge owner with assault, kidnapping, forcible confinement, possession of a dangerous weapon. Asinine: Prosecutors only drop two charges. Bonus: Shoplifter gets 30 days (torontosun.com)	(429)
	Letter to Harry Reid (D-umbass) from former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop causes security scare that shuts down Senate (thehill.com)	(79)
	Yankee$ Win World $erie$. Obviou$ tag a$$plode$ (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(867)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 235: "Roy G Biv." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(150)

Wed November 04, 2009

(Some Guy)	An Alabama mom is ordered to spend 90 days in jail for letting her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of her van. But since the court understands how hard it can be to ride with teenagers, she only has to serve five days (local15tv.com)	(46)
	Dumb: Moonshine + Rider + Horse= ? A OK\|Splat & Trample Dumber: Moonshine + Gullible Reporter + Locals= ?Pre-Conquest Mayan Horses\|Stickin' It To The Spanish. Bonus Fark: Town is = ?Wet\|Dry (reuters.com)	(235)
	The proper way to eat sushi: Use your fingers. Dip the fish in sauce, not the rice. Order the chef's choice using the Japanese term "omakase." And brag snottily about all of this (nytimes.com)	(409)
	Mid-West quake in 2008 that registered 5.2 on Richter scale downgraded to aftershock . . . from 1812, down with the British (news.yahoo.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this incredibly boring picture (anyday.se)	(64)
	Penis goes where? Seriously: Chinese nationals don't get state sex education, millions don't realize that Tab A fits in Slot B (slate.com)	(243)
	For all of you who miss the Crocodile Hunter, this man might provide a ray of hope (news.com.au)	(58)
	Question: One in _____ funerals end with the deceased turning up alive. Answer: A Brazilian (msnbc.msn.com)	(46)
	2 snowbirds heading south meet 5 Mexicans heading north, which isn't notable except they were both driving in the northbound lane (nj.com)	(153)
	Why yes, it is technically possible to Fark someone's brains out (cnn.com)	(252)
	Israeli commandos intercept ship carrying hundreds of tons of flowers and unicorns bound for Hezbollah peace activists in Lebanon (fe11.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(589)
	Henry VIII was apparently the world's first steam-punk (independent.co.uk)	(73)
(Some Guy)	Man returns to find house on fire, he runs inside and rescues everyone. Naturally, the police taser him (media.www.kentnewsnet.com)	(295)
	Best mother/daughter shaming you'll see today (cnews.canoe.ca)	(262)
(Some Commuter)	Philadelphia rapid-transit union workers on strike. In absolutely coincidental and unrelated news, a crowded communter train catches fire during morning rush hour (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(104)
	NASA trying to build an elevator to space; Willy Wonka brought in as consultant (suntimes.com)	(381)
	Hundreds of Chinese villagers refuse to get on the cart (news.com.au)	(64)
	Photoshop this puppet protester (online.wsj.com)	(42)
	Actual headline: "How to market a dead celebrity tastefully". The secret is in getting exactly the right blend of herbs and spices (guardian.co.uk)	(62)
	Double amputee calf fitted with prosthetic legs is now running, jumping, delicious (wtop.com)	(73)
	Now, we've all been to some dull meetings before, but never one so bad that one of the attendees spontaneously miscarried (news.com.au)	(194)
	Quite possibly the best Tie Fighter wheel chair you will see all day (break.com)	(167)
	So it turns out that great white sharks stay much closer to shore than anyone expected. Watch out for candygrams (washingtonpost.com)	(149)
	"The police however have decided not to launch a preliminary investigation as they were unable to find anything in the law books allowing for the indictment of large birds" (thelocal.se)	(39)
(Belfast Telegraph)	Ever been on an airplane and wondered if the emergency slides actually worked? This guy decided to find out. During takeoff (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)	(77)
(Some Guy)	Iranian government organizes mass demonstrations to mark the 30th anniversary of seizing the American embassy. Demonstrators turn out to protest Iranian government instead (voanews.com)	(162)
	Don't you hate it when you're running late for work and you realize you forgot to get gas the night before so you stop to pump some gas and then you and your car bursts into flames? (myfoxdc.com)	(65)
	Tomorrow's tourist slogan: Visit Vermont, the Land of 16 Percent Beer (usatoday.com)	(160)
(Some Guy)	...and then there's "drunk enough you have to be caged before transport" (thebaynet.com)	(20)
	Dan Snyder holds press conference to apologize for the Redskins losing, clip-on tie (myfoxdc.com)	(90)
	Wife found guilty of attacking her husband with a wooden pestle. He was mortarlly wounded (news.bbc.co.uk)	(62)
	Now that he's had some time to think about it, DC sniper John Allen Muhammad probably shouldn't have represented himself in court and so would like to not be executed, please (washingtonpost.com)	(229)
	If you give up making sex tapes after one lousy blackmail incident, clearly you don't have what it takes (thelocal.de)	(91)
(Screen Africa)	Ugandan media to stop running ads by witch doctors, driving them into the open arms of the Glenn Beck show (screenafrica.com)	(49)
(Some Guy)	Even though he appears drunk and he's bleeding, and his car is overturned in a ditch, man tells deputy that there's no way to prove he was driving. Then he bites the deputy (kitsapsun.com)	(26)
	From the country that gave us The Governator comes the most awesome idea in the history of man (entertainment.stv.tv)	(122)
	Another one fights the bust (huffingtonpost.com)	(132)
(Orillia Packet & Times)	"A second man dressed in costume was later stopped in the area by police and questioned -- but police had the wrong Teletubby" (orilliapacket.com)	(21)
	Photoshop this fish for sale (online.wsj.com)	(41)
	Worker stabs himself to avoid his shift at Blockbuster. In other news, somewhere there's still a Blockbuster open (denverpost.com)	(64)
	Navy gets enhanced underwater security in foreign ports, using trained animals like sea lions, dolphins, manatees (stripes.com)	(43)
	Rich guy campaigns against local public library because poor people use it. Same guy successfully shut down senior citizen housing complex for the same reason (boingboing.net)	(371)
(Some soda drinker)	Meet the owner of the world's largest non-alcoholic carbonated beverage store: His passion about supporting the little man in the face of large corporate pressure in the marketplace is refreshing. Like a nice cold bottle of soda. Or pop (fromthedeskofthemayor.blogspot.com)	(131)
	Two uglyassed baby echidnas make first public appearance at Perth Zoo. w/pic (news.com.au)	(52)
(Desert Sun)	Three missing college coeds found dead in their submersible Jeep Cherokee (mydesert.com)	(170)
(538)	The Teabagger Era is over (fivethirtyeight.com)	(lots)
	Judge orders 12 year old boy to give his Wii to the court (videogames.yahoo.com)	(56)
(Obama-weather.com)	If you need to see what the weather's going be be like, but only in the context of an illustrated version of our president, this site has you covered. Bonus: Celsius, because it's teh socialist (obama-weather.com)	(59)

Tue November 03, 2009

	For 27 months, Ian Fisher, his parents and friends, and the U.S. Army allowed Denver Post reporters and a photographer to watch and chronicle his recruitment, induction, training, deployment, and, finally, his return from combat (blogs.denverpost.com)	(151)
	Lost original Worcestershire sauce recipe found, prompting hopes of an upgrade to Bestershire (telegraph.co.uk)	(94)
	"I do hereby resign the office of Justice of the Peace for the Eighth Ward of Tangipahoa Parish, Louisiana, effective November 3, 2009." (msnbc.msn.com)	(345)
	Theme: If I was president (fark.com)	(59)
(Some Disaffected Employee)	"Plenty of girls are coughing their brains out. But they cannot go home because of points. Everyone comes in sick." Wal-Mart sick-leave policy will kill us all EVERYBODY PANIC (southernstudies.org)	(486)
	Japanese invention removes the stank from your car with the same water-bong technology that put it there in the first place (cnngo.com)	(58)
(OC Register)	New coroner's dummy looks almost human. "There's all types of things we can use him for." I'll bet (ocregister.com)	(82)
(Some Sumo Biker)	Best picture you'll see all day of Sumo Wrestlers on bikes (wtsp.com)	(55)
(Bradenton Herald)	Thefts continue at lingerie store. Police say suspects have sticky fingers (bradenton.com)	(44)
(thecourier.com)	A woman called the police early Saturday morning during an argument with her husband after he claimed that the woman's daughter performed oral sex on him, and the daughter was better at it (thecourier.com)	(186)
	Two men on opposite ends of the medical marijuana debate can agree on one thing-- the government should be cashing in on it. "We're leaving a lot of money on the table" (denverpost.com)	(212)
	The miracle of child abuse (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(161)
(Some Guy)	Very hungry thieves with really bad taste steal 70 cases of bratwurst pizza (sheboyganpress.com)	(127)
	You're an animal control officer. You find a well fed, microchipped dog. Do you C) give it to a friend who's moving out of town and lie to the increasingly frantic owner? (boston.com)	(257)
	Obama: "Corruption must end in Afghanistan." Holy crap, if that works someone should give him a prize (hosted.ap.org)	(207)
	Israel is now the top exporter of hippopotamussi... hippopotamusses.... hippopotameese...hippos (news.yahoo.com)	(109)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these Cantonese fair buildings (static.panoramio.com)	(32)
(Drew)	Drew sets the Fark Betting Line for this week's upcoming stories, plus Headlines of the Week for 10/25 - 10/31 (fark.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)	Fictitious town on Googlemaps doesn't actually exist (liverpooldailypost.co.uk)	(154)
(Some Guy)	It's never a good idea to masturbate to child porn in the police station evidence room (berkshireeagle.com)	(125)
	The strangest thing about this story is that the family didn't run and get a lawyer to sue the pants off of the produce company (myfoxdc.com)	(151)
(WBAL TV)	Eighty two ugly-ass sea turtles hatch at Sea World (pics) (wbaltv.com)	(34)
	"Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...There is money... in... the banana stand" (Sponsored Link) (ifc.com)	(165)
	Failing to understand that other companies pay for this kind of product placement, La-Z-Boy forces end of 'motorized La-Z-Boy' auction because the chair isn't theirs (startribune.com)	(90)
(Some Guy)	"Millions of people are much worse off because of her life, and it's a shame there is no hell for your biatch to go to." Surprisingly, it's not Nancy Grace (discovery.org)	(628)
	The trouble with a scientific argument is that it relies solely on empirical facts (dailymail.co.uk)	(474)
	Best place to rob a guy: outside a bank after cashing his check. Worst place to rob a guy: outside a gym where, full of testosterone and carrying only a water bottle, your victim wouldn't mind doing a couple more reps on your face (myfoxdc.com)	(77)
	20-foot geyser gushes in the San Fernando Valley, or as some there call it, talent (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(139)
(WGRZ)	Q. When is a burglary not a burglary? A. When the police break in for "training" purposes and trash the place (wgrz.com)	(93)
(Some Guy)	It's never a good thing when you hold a fundraising meeting and you accidently project images of scantily attired men. It's even worse when you're a priest and it happens right before Sunday mass (timesleader.com)	(51)
	Strike calls in Philadelphia weren't limited to the ballpark last night (philly.com)	(118)
	Karadzic fighting deportation to Sweden, even though he claims he's not from there (torontosun.com)	(70)
	Awkward: When your boss wants to make a porn video with you (poconorecord.com)	(369)
	Old and busted: I can't cuddle with you honey, I have a headache. New hotness: I can't cuddle with you honey, I'm allergic to your face (myfoxdc.com)	(48)
	The story of Romeo and Juliet just doesn't have that same emotional pull when the setting is changed from the courtyards of Verona to a rancher in Virginia (myfoxdc.com)	(70)
(Naples News)	After running over mailboxes and crashing into farm trailer, 24-year-old "told the deputy she drank vodka, smoked crack and had taken Oxycodone, Clonopin, Baklaphine, Lirica, Tegradol, Paxcil, Dilantin and Lamiktal" (naplesnews.com)	(135)
	After defusing 64 Taliban bombs, soldier is blown up by roadside bomb in Afghanistan the day before he was to return home to his family. Hero tag trumps Sad (dailymail.co.uk)	(288)
	Child obesity 'is levelling off.' So, on the Doritos Obesity Scale™, this is a Spicy Sweet Chili™ level problem, and not at all at Cool Ranch™ levels as feared (news.bbc.co.uk)	(93)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this yogi and his disciples (vvrganesh.com)	(30)
	Student eats dead fly on a dare from teacher after he is promised 'A' on test. Teacher gives him 'A' on test... and an 'F' in gradebook. Tag is used accurately, for once (cbs13.com)	(126)
	10-ton Japanese fishing trawler capsized by giant jellyfish, three fishermen rescued by passing vessel. And so it begins (telegraph.co.uk)	(154)
	Remember when you were a kid, and "Choose Your Own Adventure" books were all the rage? And, now, as an adult, it's all about zombies? Well, now the two have come together with a plush pink bunny in the middle (io9.com)	(73)
	Wild bear: 2 Terrorists: 0 (timesofindia.indiatimes.com)	(79)
	Al Gore now eligible for nobel prize in economics (nytimes.com)	(188)
	Drunken Irish slur voted world sexiest accent over foofy French. Oh, merde alors (dailymail.co.uk)	(147)
	Japan infested by girly men who consider women friends, enjoy shopping, eating cakes, and living typical-housewife types of lives. "Not everyone regards the emergence of the girly men as completely positive" (timesonline.co.uk)	(224)
	Survey reveals that married gay couples are just as boring as their straight counterparts (usatoday.com)	(69)
	Bishop convicted for endless bell-ringing, every day of the week. "God is not just God on Sundays." (3news.co.nz)	(87)

Mon November 02, 2009

	Man has been in jail for three months for giving legal advice without a license. I'm sure Fark Internet Lawyers know how he can get out (kansascity.com)	(117)
	Sir George Head - OBE, while on his latest expedition to build a bridge between the twin peaks of Kilimanjaro, reports that its glaciers are thawing fast (usatoday.com)	(57)
(The Pulse)	God forbid anyone down South actually sees a naked woman on TV. The horror. Such filth might lead to worse things... like dancing (chattanoogapulse.com)	(166)
	Canadian Navy issues emergency tender demanding Tim Hortons supplier for its Halifax base to boost sailors' morale. "There shall be no acceptable substitute" (cbc.ca)	(85)
	Not News: Man's Hyundai flattened by woman trying to park SUV. Bummer: That he had just paid off. Cool: Hyundai buys him a new one (consumerist.com)	(155)
	Photoshop this colossal copy (online.wsj.com)	(49)
	TIP: When the judge asks you to raise your right hand, he means all of it (dailyherald.com)	(130)
	Some people steal money. Some people steal cars. This guy steals a 2-month-old alpaca with a cast on one leg (mcall.com)	(25)
(Some Guy)	Pro-Life protestor loves children. REALLY, REALLY LOVES CHILDREN (ydr.inyork.com)	(181)
	Hawaii celebrates its first saint. No, it's not Obama (msnbc.msn.com)	(45)
	"Brown fat" is what you need for weight loss? Ok, now science is just making shiat up (latimes.com)	(82)
	Clever fools: Why a high IQ doesn't mean you're smrt (newscientist.com)	(454)
	A quick dissection of surgical history will leave you trepan out (wired.com)	(44)
(KPHO Phoenix)	It couldn't happen to a nicer guy: Sheriff Arpaio under FBI investigation (kpho.com)	(229)
	McCain's health policy advisor soon to be denied coverage on the individual market. A tax cut might help (washingtonpost.com)	(89)
(Some Guy)	Spittoon thwarts spat with ex, splutters arson attempt, expectorate increase for fire insurance (citizen-times.com)	(17)
(Some Guy)	No word yet if Arpaio has gotten his pink panties twisted over security flap (azdailysun.com)	(107)
(Some Mason)	Monday morning commuters mortarfied to find traffic aggregated behind bricks spilled on highway (thepittsburghchannel.com)	(19)
	When filming a cooking contest for a show, try to avoid having the chefs cook an endangered animal that only reproduces once every twenty years (telegraph.co.uk)	(90)
	Just in case you were sitting around wondering: Man-eating lions consumed 35 people in 1898 (www2.tbo.com)	(149)
	Demonstrating once again the collective intelligence of America, poison centers across the country got the most Halloween calls from people who had swallowed the liquid inside glow sticks (denverpost.com)	(130)
(Some stinky Guy)	Officials: Couples must bathe together to avoid divorce (blogs.app.com)	(320)
	Ninety-seven percent of Americans agree that it should be illegal for other people to text while driving (gizmodo.com)	(320)
	Man in Breathalyzer costume busted for DUI. Claims he was "sotally tober." (thesmokinggun.com)	(57)
	Cook stops restaurant robber by throwing a flank steak at him. Steak: what can't it do? (omaha.com)	(72)
	Obama's so skinny the White House is denying that he's chainsmoking. Translation: He's chainsmoking (drudgereport.com)	(478)
(Some Guy)	Bored volunteer firefighters, tired of waiting for a fire to put out, do the rational thing and set two houses on fire (claimsjournal.com)	(51)
	The NSA to Store a YOTTABYTE of Your Phone Calls, Emails and Other Big Brothery Stuff, still not have enough room for all its porn and iTunes. (description of how big a Yottabyte is in article) (gizmodo.com)	(274)
(Some Guy)	Farker pattonx's new book Mentally Incontinent releases tomorrow. Help make a last-day splash on Amazon with a pre-order. Last time Fark made it #2, can we hit #1 today? (amazon.com)	(110)
	New Hampshire restaurant sets record with largest meatball, taking the title from Rush Limbaugh (news.yahoo.com)	(54)
	Church discovers new way to bolster faith, fill pews: give away cash. Upcoming events to include "Double Down Your Faith" and "Holy Craps - God Never Throws Sevens" (chicagotribune.com)	(98)
	Photoshop this head of state and honor guards (online.wsj.com)	(38)
	Plastic surgeon marries a "fixer-upper". Falls in love after eight operations (foxnews.com)	(485)
(Some Guy)	The 15 most awesome ultramodern fireplaces. Pointless for heat, but they look really cool (multifuelstoves.org)	(148)
	This week's "woman calls 911 to report her own drunk driving" brought to you by Clark County, WI (wtsp.com)	(68)
	It's a great day, everybody. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL. A new schizophrenia drug will debut in 2010. IT'S NEVER GOING TO WORK (washingtonpost.com)	(120)
(Some Tubbie Lover)	If you're a 6'2" 240-lb teletubbie, Canadian Police would like to have a word with you (wtsp.com)	(55)
(Some Gorilla Lover)	Charity sets record when over 1,000 people run over four miles. Dressed as gorillas (wtsp.com)	(49)
	Natural gas company can't see how there's any connection between their drilling activities and the fact that local resident's water wells are suddenly exploding in 30ft geysers of flame (news.yahoo.com)	(131)
	Some people need help to kick their internet obsession, says article you can only read on the internet (boston.com)	(37)
(Online Athens)	Good idea: Sobering up by getting some sleep in a hotel. Bad idea: On the lobby floor, in a pool of your urine, with your pants around your ankles (onlineathens.com)	(76)
	Photoshop this chilling scene (inapcache.boston.com)	(41)
	If your hotel room's Gideon Bible is missing parts of Leviticus, you might just be sleeping in Gandalf's bed (3news.co.nz)	(596)
(Some Guy)	Firefighters love their new $1 million fire truck, but wish the city had measured the firehouse before ordering it (news-tribune.net)	(69)
	If you've abandoned a herd of cows in a local park, the council would appreciate it if you could remoove them as soon as possible (3news.co.nz)	(41)
	You make the story: UK football fans, beer, a train, a sheep costume, police, an ignition source (news.bbc.co.uk)	(31)
	BBC addresses crucial issues of the day: Hanging sneakers, wtf is that about? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(161)