Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-10-25

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Sun October 25, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Jeffry Picower, the man who benefited the most from the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme and may have been its possible mastermind, discovers a way to avoid facing criminal charges (abcnews.go.com)	(118)
(Some Tele-assaulter)		Woman reaches out and touches boyfriend. Apparently she has quite the cross to bear (w/pic) (sctimes.com)	(65)
		Nanny State: You're too fat to have children, so lets take your infant away (timesonline.co.uk)	(284)
(ScienceBlogs)		This helpful flowchart was designed for everyone who cannot figure out which religion most suits his or her lifestyle (scienceblogs.com)	(228)
		Warwickshire Police banned from saying the following words: evening, afternoon, boy, girl, homosexual and frequent (dailymail.co.uk)	(135)
(Some Panicky Atheist)		Remember that nutty South Carolina baptist leader with the 14-member congregation and his little book burning? Yeah, UK atheists are panicking that he's going to travel to their country and burn all their books (freethinker.co.uk)	(106)
		Latest Tokyo fashion craze inspired by Harry Potter: "skirt boys" who belong to a "skirt tribe" (mdn.mainichi.jp)	(159)
		This just in: Suzanne Sommers is a vapid, belief-driven attention whore whose new book on alternative cancer treatment is going to be responsible for many untimely deaths (blog.newsweek.com)	(362)
(Not Mr. Cool Ice)		While looking for another article subby came across this. Enjoy your unfortunate tattoo mugshot article of the day. Mr. Cool Ice surprisingly absent (chicagonow.com)	(162)
		Photoshop theme: I had this crazy, weird dream once (en.wikipedia.org)	(39)
		Theme: "That's so crazy it might just work" (fark.com)	(33)
		Prankster puts out story that judge makes a favorable ruling in a "birther" case. Orly and the entire birther community put out press releases weeping with joy. Someone actually clicks the link: "Never gonna give you up..," (dailykos.com)	(298)
(Some Guy)		Chili-cheese-cornbread sandwich gains national fame, branding itself as the only sandwich that must be eaten with a fork. Thats hell, man (marshallnewsmessenger.com)	(115)
(LaCrosse Tribune)		Man ordering food called a zombie, punched twice (lacrossetribune.com)	(92)
		Almost 600 years ago today, a band of brothers laid claim to the greatest victory against overwhelming odds in military history. Or did they? (denverpost.com)	(191)
		AP Fact Check finds health insurance companies barely making profit. In other news, all traffic at Newark airport halted due to invasion of flying unicorns from Newfoundland (hosted.ap.org)	(234)
(Consumer Reports)		Everything you think you know about car care is wrong. Including oil changes every 3,000 miles; it's more like 7,500 (blogs.consumerreports.org)	(371)
		How do you keep people from renovating a neighborhood tennis court? Declare it a historical landmark . . . even if it "contains not a single shred of historic or architectural value" (telegram.com)	(55)
		Cell phones, which first didn't cause cancer, then did cause cancer, then didn't cause cancer, are now known to cause cancer (foxnews.com)	(109)
		Tombstones from the 1800s discovered in man's yard. That's gotta be some really disgusting cheese and pepperoni (clickondetroit.com)	(62)
(whtm.com)		Deer shot and killed after crashing through Chinese restaurant. In related news, you'll probably want to think twice about ordering the Moo Goo Gai Pan for awhile (whtm.com)	(90)
(Middletown Journal)		The reason you're getting a ticket is, some of your fellow drivers have trouble seeing a big dump truck in the road ahead of them (middletownjournal.com)	(75)
		What goes around, comes around. Hula hoops hip for the hips (bangordailynews.com)	(45)
		Two massive carbomb attacks in Bagdad with 65 dead, at least 180 wounded. This is not a repeat from 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 (foxnews.com)	(126)
		What profession does a major company's former CEO and convicted con-man choose after his release from prison? Televangelist, of course (blog.al.com)	(54)
(koco.com)		Couple rescues more than 150 dogs from mill and works to find them new homes. They go through 300 pounds of dog food per day, so they're also saving the economy while they're at it (koco.com)	(52)
		64-year-old woman says she was nearly hit by a frozen spud fired from a potato cannon. The Tater Wars have begun (buffalonews.com)	(74)
		And now for another episode of "our allies do the craziest things", Saudi Arabia (cnn.com)	(249)
		In what would be a first for the criminal justice system, Arizona's death row could become the responsibility of a private company (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(126)
		C) Headbutt your defense attorney (sfgate.com)	(29)
		Polygamy Club. Like fight club, except with more nagging (sfgate.com)	(114)
		Bhtdmjck (content.usatoday.net)	(163)
(TheRecord.com)		Repentant tractor enthusiast "later apologized to farmers for damaging their crops and destroying their fences. He warned against getting hooked on crystal meth." (news.therecord.com)	(15)
		Top 50 cartoon characters Bugs is number one and Mickey is number 3, who is number 2, I said number 2 (pics) (animatedtv.about.com)	(274)
		"Come on baby, smite my friar" (wcco.com)	(69)
		The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows. LP #200 (LGT#199) (fark.com)	(8874)
(Lansing State Journal)		Man sets record for most hissing cockroaches in mouth at one time. Roach (video) clip included (lansingstatejournal.com)	(43)

Sat October 24, 2009

	America as viewed from the Nanny State: "Step out of the loop, do something unusual and you'll encounter a wall of low-paid, low-intellect workers whose sole job is to prevent their bosses from being sued" (timesonline.co.uk)	(239)
	"Deathhacker" Weekend Project: Follow this simple video and make an Atlatl to throw darts at 100-200mph. "We urge you not to confuse your neighbors with Woolly Mammoths" (lifehacker.com)	(53)
	Today's Fark-ready headline: "Man upset over gay naked barn dance in Wilton" (cbs13.com)	(48)
(Some Guy)	Hammer vs. nunchucks vs. bucket of water (wsmv.com)	(30)
	New study reveals LSD and Ecstacy to be effective against anxiety disorders. Only downside is, it makes you appreciate jam bands such as Phish and The Grateful Dead (guardian.co.uk)	(120)
	The Hummus Wars II: Lebanon's Revenge (news.yahoo.com)	(48)
	Cracked ramps at Yankee Stadium -- or to put it in more familiar terms, "10 Cracked Ramps That Can Kill You So Fast You'll Never Have Sex Again Without a Stapler and Four Chopsticks" (fe11.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(36)
	Catholic Church pulls up in van, offers candy to Anglican priests (news.bbc.co.uk)	(55)
(Some Guy)	When the jury says that you're "not guilty," never allow your lawyer ask them "are you sure?" (pnwlocalnews.com)	(64)
	Barry & Robin Gibb discuss 50 years of Bee Gees: "Since 1967, there have only been three albums that have truly affected the culture, and that's Sgt Pepper, Fever and Thriller" (entertainment.timesonline.co.uk)	(164)
	Photoshop theme: Spot the mistake (fark.com)	(110)
	Expert advice on ghost hunting: Buy the cheap voice recorders. "Cheap ones are great because they generate white noise, which spirits speak within" (cnn.com)	(153)
	Walt Disney takes unprecedented step of offering refunds to parents with really dumb kids (nytimes.com)	(63)
	Is time out of joint? (newscientist.com)	(555)
	40,000 salmon escape from Canadian farm. Said to be short, slow, and potentially delicious (cnews.canoe.ca)	(45)
	No, really, I am not supposed to be on the 'registered sex offender' list (wbbm780.com)	(183)
	Nanny state issues cookie safety guidelines... Cookie Monster weeps softly into his crumbs (telegraph.co.uk)	(74)
(Some Married Guy)	Most offensive 1962 school-book about marriage ever. (w/bonus chart on how having more kids prevents divorce) (amalah.com)	(294)
(Life)	-ines - Gallery of WWII fighting women. First pic rivals famous Iwo Jima shot. Seriously (life.com)	(245)
	Utah's four-day workweek has saved taxpayers millions and given the average state employee more time to spend with his spouses (fe19.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(78)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this center punch (vtk.com.ua)	(40)
	When asked, majority of older people say younger people don't know right from wrong. This survey a repeat from every generation dating back to the Garden of Eden (fe6.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(131)
	When the Great Swine Flu Epidemic finally hits, there will end up being a lot more Democracts surviving than Republicans, Fark Independents™ (news.yahoo.com)	(209)
	Ladies and gentlemen, we have the newest media buzzword: "SuperFreakonomics". ♫ She's a very sexy girl, the kind you don't bring home to mother ♫ (abcnews.go.com)	(56)
	...what you say about his company is what you say about society (tampabay.com)	(40)
	"It's time for change we can really believe in, a relaxing of sexual monogamy laws for men. Our antiquated system nearly cost us a president." (msn.foxsports.com)	(175)
	Don't call it a comeback. Cream-colored carrots have been here for centuries (dailymail.co.uk)	(47)
	Naughty rich reform school girls commit a yearlong string of robberies of celebrity homes. Ok so its not a John Hughes drama, but it still sounds hot (nypost.com)	(58)
	Balloon Boy's mom admitted to police the whole saga was a hoax. WHAT? A HOAX? REALLY? (usatoday.com)	(293)
	Ping pong prisoner's pricey claim for injured pinky (thelocal.se)	(14)
	When speed limit was 75, 15% of drivers went 10 over. With speed limit 80, 15% of drivers go 5 over. Submitter has a way to reduce speeding even more (deseretnews.com)	(128)
	Ahh, the sure signs of autumn are upon us. The Leafs are falling, the Blue Jays have gone south to roost and vets are getting kicked out of banks for selling poppies (torontosun.com)	(68)
	Cat rescued from hydro pole hurried immediately home to his parents' basement, worried he had missed Caturday. (Captionable pic in article) (cnews.canoe.ca)	(343)
	Irish shopkeeper, tired of drunks using his storefront as a urinal, wires up a 250-volt solution. This should end well (dailyrecord.co.uk)	(86)
(WLBZ2.com)	I'm puzzled as to why anyone would make "The Last Supper" from Rubik's cubes (wlbz2.com)	(59)
	Photoshop theme: Alien beauty (fark.com)	(39)
	Americans now realizing that the global warming hoax, is, in fact, a hoax (abcnews.go.com)	(818)
(NBC5DFW)	Scout volunteer helps scout earn merit badge in sex ed, with you would hit it pic (nbcdfw.com)	(108)
	Indian farmers discover ultimate win-win situation (cnn.com)	(53)
	Florida Home Depot worker wears 'under God' button more than year, then gets fired (tcpalm.com)	(235)

Fri October 23, 2009

	Popularity of home laser hair removal kits booming, with concurrent growth in sales of home skin graft kits (wired.com)	(111)
	Photoshop theme: The city of the future (fark.com)	(40)
	Guy stopped for going 150 mph in a 60. In a Buick (cbs11tv.com)	(228)
	Cop tickets driver for not speaking English. Como se dice, 'douchebag' en Espanol? (dallasnews.com)	(220)
	Joe Biden responds to Dick Cheney's criticisms.. "Who the fark cares?" (nytimes.com)	(187)
	Man acquitted of 1990 rape, murder. That means the real killer's still out there somewhere (cbc.ca)	(143)
	The perps make spectacles of themselves in this installment of The Smoking Gun's weekend mugshot roundup (thesmokinggun.com)	(276)
	If your employee needs to drink a lot of water because she's undergoing cancer treatments, would it hurt you to let her go to the bathroom once in a while? (sfgate.com)	(114)
(Some prideful guy)	Be proud of who you are. Unless you're an unrepentant pedophile on YouTube (app.com)	(165)
	Teacher: "How would you feel about your tax dollars going to pay some black fag in New York to take pictures of other black fags?" Student: "Compared to going to your salary?" (suntimes.com)	(250)
(Some Guy)	"An unknown party entered his residence and took a half gallon of ice cream from the freezer. The loss was estimated at $5.00. Investigation is continuing." (storycounty.com)	(82)
	There's a new kind of Internet celebrity out there: Witty forum commenters and headline submitters. And some of them don't even pay $5 a month to be awesome (washingtonpost.com)	(306)
	Photoshop this permafrosted prehistoric pachyderm (inapcache.boston.com)	(36)
(Military.com)	"The portrait is clearly meant to honor him. I think that contributes to the gravity of the presentation"--Indeed (military.com)	(285)
	Bring a garlic-smelling salad to an AT&T service center? That a Lsyol-in-the-face sprayin (bostonherald.com)	(153)
	Man prefers prison to house arrest with wife (calgaryherald.com)	(142)
(Some Guy)	"So basically I am looking for a double amputee" (i.imgur.com)	(104)
	If you are a six foot lizard on the loose in North Austin, APD would like a word with you (statesman.com)	(93)
	"It's the closest we're ever going to get to dinosaurs fighting" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(147)
(Some Superhero)	Superhero Smackdown, quarter-finals, Kitty Pryde vs Wolverine (thecorrectness.com)	(218)
	Canadian company selling "Balloon Boy" costumes. Get yours quick, they're flying off the shelves (upi.com)	(78)
	Toddler gets $8,000 tax credit, shiatload of Baby Einstein DVDs (sun-sentinel.com)	(69)
	Student 1, school 0: Tired of having money stolen from her locker, teen sets up a camera, which catches the adult hall monitor breaking in (newsday.com)	(350)
	Insurance fraudster will now be able to continue with his hobby of getting rear-ended (dailymail.co.uk)	(42)
	Friday Photo Fun XXXIV tag for #5 (thesmokinggun.com)	(82)
	Landlord steals tenants' property after fire, says they can't have their belongings back unless they promise not to sue (metrowestdailynews.com)	(66)
	The top ten "laws of the internet" (telegraph.co.uk)	(396)
(WTKR)	Today's item spilled all over a highway: Live crabs (wtkr.com)	(87)
	Combo Fark Party / book release party for Mentally Incontinent, join Drew and Joe and others for big funs (fark.com)	(15)
(Cambridge News)	Guy making home improvements alone comes across the age-old problem "I need to hold up the other end but my arm won't reach that far... Or will it?" (cambridge-news.co.uk)	(86)
	Two agencies, both alike in purpose / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, / From stillness move to probe an accident / Where falling flooring makes the ground unclean (wpxi.com)	(53)
	UFO "experts" investigating alien sighting near British crop circle. Aliens described as "6 foot tall with blonde hair", thus confirming that nagging suspicion you've always had about Sweden (metro.co.uk)	(65)
(Some Wabbit)	Ah, the Adirondacks. Where men are men and mistaken for deer and shot on sight (wcax.com)	(158)
	Bank of America is outraged, outraged, at the proposed pay cuts demanded by the government insists it employees be paid "fairly". Pay czar says he'd love to do that but can't figure out the exchange rate cockpunches (news.yahoo.com)	(520)
	Australia issues urgent safety warning to remind everybody that children often weigh more than flies (smh.com.au)	(38)
	Los mexicanos mataron a un hipopótamo, después bebieron tequila, después tomaron su trabajo. ¿Dónde está la zapatería? (google.com)	(246)
	I just have to rob and stab a guy with my buddies, stop by 7-11 real fast and pick up Band-Aids, and then I'm coming right over (myfoxdc.com)	(8)
	Two robbers holding up a McDonald's end up getting McPWN3D (mcall.com)	(99)
(22 News Springfield MA)	A fool and his money are easilly parted, especially when the fool brags in a bar about the $27,000 insurance settlement she just got and then flashes the money to prove her point (wwlp.com)	(155)
	Photoshop this mock menace (inapcache.boston.com)	(55)
	Soup's done (freep.com)	(184)
	Passenger jet from San Diego to Mpls. overshoots Mpls. by 150 miles with no contact with ground control for an hour. Pilots say they were in a "distracting conversation," while officials fear the pilots fell asleep. Enjoy your flight (news.bbc.co.uk)	(267)
(PDN)	Playboy magazine to slow things down as market penetration shrinks (pdnonline.com)	(141)
	City loses red light camera lawsuit because it wasn't paying attention and didn't react in time (thenewspaper.com)	(56)
	Vermønt farmer adøpts møøse, feeds it jelly dønuts. Natürally, state øfficials are ørdering him to get rid øf it. Mind you, state øfficials kan be pretty stüpid (redorbit.com)	(64)
(Some Guy)	Chinese 'cat-girl' baffles doctors (news.ninemsn.com.au)	(318)
(Some Guy)	Ambulances start charging by the pound to haul your baconator-filled ass to the hospital (mddailyrecord.com)	(148)

Thu October 22, 2009

	Couple nailed for embezzling $1.3 million from hardware store. Office manager saw a problem and called police to drill them. Woodn't you know it: Tax Board also plans to hammer them (mercurynews.com)	(45)
(Some Knight)	Photoshop this antique table (philiphuntantiques.co.uk)	(48)
	Hulu will start charging for content in 2010 (gizmodo.com)	(605)
	Senate passes historic expanded hate crimes bill, making it a federal offense to assault someone because of their sexual orientation (cnn.com)	(lots)
	Minnesota Supreme Court rules that bong water is an illegal drug. Put that in your pipe and percolate it (twincities.com)	(225)
	Your dog is worse for the environment than the average fuel guzzling tank, but you can offset it by having a smaller house and not eating meat. Your dog still wants a steak (news.com.au)	(150)
	Sure, your Halloween costume may be cool, but not "Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen head" cool. (pic) (deadspin.com)	(74)
	Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt (indystar.com)	(163)
	North Korea is burning, according to the capitalist scum's satellites (foxnews.com)	(201)
	The Ten Worst Dining Trends of the Last Decade. Curiously absent: dumbass foodies (chicagotribune.com)	(322)
(Ocala)	Wal-Mart employee fired for chasing shoplifter. "I had a duty to protect and serve the public". With "well-that-explains-everything" picture (ocala.com)	(214)
	6 of Asia's 7 Toughest Sports ain't got balls but got more balls than sports that do got balls. Balls (cnngo.com)	(81)
(Infrastructurist)	What California really needs is a giant floating airport (infrastructurist.com)	(140)
(ktvb.com)	5 Mile Road and 10 Mile Road are 6 miles apart. It's not news, it's Idaho (ktvb.com)	(76)
	Old & busted: No spanking your children. New hotness: No yelling at your children. Coming soon: Why does mommy have a drinking problem? (nytimes.com)	(448)
(Austrian Times)	British nuclear expert in negotiations with Iran dies in high-energy collision (austriantimes.at)	(118)
	How much do a pair of Air Jordans cost these days? If you're the University of Central Florida, they're around $3 million (wftv.com)	(71)
	Does Obama sleep too much to be an effective president? (content.usatoday.com)	(312)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this festive mall ceiling (twincitiesdailyphoto.com)	(46)
	Toilet paper blogger stunt should get flushed (news.cnet.com)	(50)
	Don't you hate it when you start a new job and the guy who is supposed to be training you ends up kidnapping you? (sltrib.com)	(112)
(Some Guy)	Man faces several charges in hammer attack on three people. Fortunately police nailed him (wtkr.com)	(49)
	Move over XFL, goat grabbing will be the next team sport to watch. With pics of said goat (news.bbc.co.uk)	(46)
	Weak dollar raises prospect of another round of inane articles about "alternative world currency," like this one (usatoday.com)	(147)
	Not News: Man crashes into parked car while driving FARK: He was driving a La-Z-Boy recliner with a Briggs and Stratton engine, cupholders, lights, and a stereo (w/pic of recliner) (startribune.com)	(86)
	New Zealand town forced to cancel its annual dead rabbit throwing contest after complaints from Animal rights groups (telegraph.co.uk)	(101)
	You might have thought gator farming was recession proof, but no (usatoday.com)	(37)
	Ice-skating bear kills circus director, gets two minutes for charging (cbc.ca)	(73)
	A wedding of convenience is attacked by minions while some pasty-faced groom continually attempts to burst into song (sponsored link) (ifc.com)	(23)
	Teachers spending more time visting their pupils' homes in order to generate stronger relationships, Fark headlines (boston.com)	(57)
	When zonkey's attack...wait, what? (abcactionnews.com)	(67)
	Obama administration continues gay reacharound. Er, outreach. Continues gay outreach (voices.washingtonpost.com)	(132)
	A "botanically brewed" lemonade which contains less than 0.05% alcohol has some parents worried their children will get drunk. Maybe after the 45th bottle (bangordailynews.com)	(229)
	Chiropractic school graduates suing their alumni association for fraud (qctimes.com)	(100)
(Some Boss)	Showing your boobs to your boss may not get you a promotion (chicagonow.com)	(lots)
	The 806-horsepower Koenigsegg CCX. Only 10 make it to the United States each year. They sell for $1 million apiece. And some damn fool autoshop employee borrowed one and crashed it into a Porsche GT2 (wired.com)	(291)
	Arriage of justice (news.bbc.co.uk)	(57)
	New study shows that 4 in 10 parents are idiots (abcnews.go.com)	(509)
	Newsday to charge $5 a week for full access to its online content, calling it a "pioneering Web model" that will no doubt pioneer them right into bankrupcty (newsday.com)	(192)
	This year's wildlife photograph of the year was awarded to a picture of a leaping wolf. Just imagine what the photographer could have done with three wolves (news.bbc.co.uk)	(102)
	Giant seagull invades Australia (news.com.au)	(68)
(Some Guy)	Scientists at NASA have detected another exoplanet with life-supporting environment. But they are still striking out on that whole warp-drive thing (business-standard.com)	(243)
(Some Guy)	Here's to you, Mr. "speed through a construction zone with a suspended license and 300-plus bags of heroin" guy (lohud.com)	(72)
	Man sues hospital for unnecessarily damn near killin' him (foxnews.com)	(99)
	Out in the West Texas town of El Paso / They have the country's most hideous guys / Obese and ugly and uneducated / Just to get farked they must wear a disguise (elpasotimes.com)	(130)
	Photoshop these windows (flickr.com)	(42)
	Unless you want a life filled with taunts from the public, police, phone companies and even a football referee, be glad you're not named Harry Potter. "People seem to forget that I was Harry Potter before the character." (dailymail.co.uk)	(122)
	Remember that woman who claimed she was held prisoner, abused, raped by six people in West Virginia trailer? She now says she made it all up. Surprise, surprise (cnn.com)	(450)
	Woman shopper gets compensation after discovering that chickens have heads (lep.co.uk)	(84)
	She'll pretty much have to (news.yahoo.com)	(226)
(Some Guy)	Top 25 colleges for total cost in 2009-2010. Conspicuously absent: School of Hard Knocks (campusgrotto.com)	(203)
	Phillies make it back to the World Series after showing off their big sticks and showing that their pen is mightier (sports.yahoo.com)	(310)
	Turns out there are much faster and more efficient ways to produce flu vaccines. However, they tend to be more expensive and less profitable, so why bother (news.yahoo.com)	(143)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 233: "Music". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(248)

Wed October 21, 2009

	If a marathon just isn't enough of a challenge for you, up the difficulty by playing the fife, juggling or jumping rope while you do it. But not all at once, that would be silly (washingtonpost.com)	(27)
	Photoshop theme: Bells (fark.com)	(31)
	WSJ.com explores why highway fatalities are declining. Submitters' ex-girlfriend having her license suspended curiously absent (online.wsj.com)	(87)
	City Councilman Charlie Brown looks to regulate pot shops in Denver because he says, "It's unbelievable. It's out of hand. It's out of control" Good grief (thedenverchannel.com)	(135)
	Suburban daddyblogger takes his 11-year-old son to Hooters and writes about it. How will the mommybloggers react? Let's watch (blogs.usatoday.com)	(138)
	Republican, gun loving security guard at Newark Airport arrested for making making threats against President Obama hours before the President was due to arrive (nydailynews.com)	(515)
	Florida cops [sniff] "lose" two-gram packet [sniff] of blow used for [sniff] training police dogs (news.yahoo.com)	(49)
	Black barbies get mixed reviews, pulled over more often in their dream convertibles (cnn.com)	(153)
	Chief Justice Roberts believes many lives will be at risk...if we don't allow police to pull over drivers who have done nothing wrong (news.aol.com)	(291)
	What do you do if Germany refuses to extradite your daughter's killer to your native France? a) Nothing b) Surrender c) Abduct him and leave him bound and gagged on the courthouse step (timesonline.co.uk)	(235)
(Some Guy)	Bike helmets are making kids fat (healthyliving.freedomblogging.com)	(256)
	With God as my witness, I thought turkeys were H1N1 resistant (torontosun.com)	(56)
	This is how people get blasé about cruelty: First we tolerate waterboarding; now we're forcing foreign leaders to spend 20 hours listening to John Kerry talk (washingtonpost.com)	(49)
	So what happened was this lady fell in love with a guy online, so she fed her husband Horny Goat Weed, took him out in the woods and stabbed him, then asked a passerby to watch him while she went to meet the Internet guy. The Aristocrats (news.bbc.co.uk)	(97)
	1.5 tons of pot were hidden in some giant melons (chron.com)	(109)
	Days since last murder in Houston: 11 (chron.com)	(211)
	War in Iraq going so well, US Troops are spending their time taking Salsa lessons. In other news, salsa classes are widely available in Iraq (usatoday.com)	(97)
	Photoshop this man heading home (denverpost.slideshowpro.com)	(46)
	Making coffee naked at 5:30am in your own kitchen? That's a year in jail (cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com)	(593)
(gb1990.com)	This is quite possibly the first legal filing to reference Pedobear. A tribute to Fark. Thanks, Glenn Beck (gb1990.com)	(660)
	Gizzard conditions as giblet spill causes offal mess (news.bbc.co.uk)	(32)
	Six Australian foods worth trying. Does not include stuffed wallaby or beer marinated in beer (food.theatlantic.com)	(173)
	If your neighbor's football lands in your yard, you might want to settle for a stern "Get off my lawn." In any case, you should avoid biting off his lips (fe18.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(42)
	If you're in Edmonton and you have an extra pack of smokes and a couple bottles of water, you may be able negotiate for a hostage in an armed standoff (thestar.com)	(247)
	Bernie Madoff spent millions on topless waitresses, masseuses, escorts and a "North Pole" of cocaine. The rest he just squandered (blogs.usatoday.com)	(183)
	Ship collision and resulting oil spill off Galveston might ruin the pristine natural habitat known as the Gulf of Mexico (chron.com)	(97)
	If you wondering what the Government's $29 billion bailout of Bear Stearns has mean for you the taxpayer, you be thrilled to know that you now own a deserted shopping mall in Oklahoma city (news.yahoo.com)	(159)
(Some Guy)	Screaming at a prosecutor that you wish you could cut her "f***ing head off with a rusty hacksaw blade" may not be the best way to avoid being declared a dangerous offender (thechronicleherald.ca)	(75)
(Some Guy)	Peasant farmer builds working submarine. Seeks world domination as soon as he can find 20,000 leagues of airhose (meeja.com.au)	(88)
	As police were about to arrest him for DUI, man does the logical thing and downs the rest of the vodka in the bottle sitting next to him (news.cincinnati.com)	(179)
	Australia's federal government might allow tourists to climb all over Uluru. Captain Kirk reportedly furious at this turn of events (theaustralian.news.com.au)	(54)
	Chili cookoff competetor: My chili sucks; I may as well go home Chili judges: This chili rocks. Who made this? crickets (kansascity.com)	(182)
(WGHP)	Woman sees Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in porkchop (myfox8.com)	(35)
	Police are on the lookout for the Jesse James of Pennsylvania Wal-Marts (mcall.com)	(51)
	Father, son shot in Hunting Park. To try Walking Park next time they're out (philly.com)	(43)
(Some Guy)	"Police didn't join in the dance. They cited him for disorderly conduct." (courierpress.com)	(37)
(Some Guy)	Great photography of ten amazing inland lakes. Bonus: Cthulu (webecoist.com)	(108)
	A gang of men attack and take hostages in a Lidl supermarket, because if you want to make a lot of money, you take hostages in a discount supermarket (news.bbc.co.uk)	(48)
	Third... third heist in... third heist in eight daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays (mcall.com)	(64)
	Yo internet, I'm really happy for you, & I'ma Let you finish, but Kanye West had one of the best fake twitter deaths of all time... OF ALL TIME (sfgate.com)	(99)
	Remember that video of the incredibly drunk guy attempting to buy more beer from last week? Well some genius added silent film music and cue cards to it and it's pretty much the greatest re-mix in internet history (youtube.com)	(217)
	Nutbag with funbags locked in legal battle with scumbags over handbags (contactmusic.com)	(94)
	Nashville Police auctioning perp's gold teeth grills (thesmokinggun.com)	(99)
(Lincoln Journal Star)	Kinda newsworthy, you know, for Nebraska: Man wanted by Interpol on drug and fraud charges found in Nebraska. Fark: working as a guard at a maximum security prison (journalstar.com)	(31)
	Photoshop this shaded swimmer (spiegel.de)	(38)
	♫ Hi Mathura, hi Fathura ♫ Where my spleen is ♫ I'm not sure-a ♫ In the morning ♫ Trains collided ♫ Yes, I think my faith in railroads is misguided ♫ (news.com.au)	(25)
	Some of the coolest carved pumpkins you will see all year, especially number 12 (kotaku.com)	(133)
	If you're going to a strip club with handfuls of funny money, make sure that you don't spend your time with a stripper who can detect counterfeit bills (cnews.canoe.ca)	(77)
(Some Guy)	New York state census from 1825 asks questions such as: family's acres of improved land, animals, cloth manufactures, mills, carding machines, factories, iron works, trip hammers, distilleries, asheries; deaf and dumb, idiots and lunatics (nysl.nysed.gov)	(81)
	61 year-old man admits to making over 12,000 9-11 calls in less than three years but thinks it's "ridiculous" to be arrested for it (japantoday.com)	(63)
	Today's Fark-ready headline from Down Under: "Punters blow even more on pokies in Queensland" (news.com.au)	(31)
	Soon peroxide may go the way of Sudafed. Thanks asshat bomb makers (abcnews.go.com)	(192)
	Bullet-resistant clothing becoming fashionable to the paranoid and those who want to look like Marty McFly (today.msnbc.msn.com)	(57)
	Wax museum in Thailand puts a Hitler figure in their Scary section and runs a billboard that says "Hitler is not dead". Robert Langdon thinks about this and realizes: There's a Zombie Hitler in Thailand (cnngo.com)	(52)
(The Pulse)	Remember the cop who shoved down the 71-year-old Walmart greeter last Christmas Eve? After getting fired, he's now claiming discrimination... and saying the greeter assaulted him (chattanoogapulse.com)	(97)

Tue October 20, 2009

(Some Guy)	More and more people are giving their dogs human names. Your dog, Charles Maxwell Bertuzzi the Third, wants steak (vancouversun.com)	(226)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this near-perfect reflection (inlinethumb21.webshots.com)	(38)
(Windy Citizen .com)	Thirty-foot troll met with resounding "meh" in Chicago (windycitizen.com)	(191)
	Photoshop this snow plow (online.wsj.com)	(40)
	Old and busted: Wine Spectator. The new hotness: Medical Marijuana Spectator (abcnews.go.com)	(122)
	It is also worth celebrating that many leading black icons have been lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, most notably the US black liberation hero Malcolm X...and Olympic diving gold medallist Greg Louganis... wait, what? (guardian.co.uk)	(306)
(Some Guy)	The Boston Globe published a suggestion for a Halloween pumpkin design that "called for decorators to create a pumpkin with a three-foot flame." Darwin shrugs (wbztv.com)	(81)
	If you're the clumsy, rude, bald thief who spilled 50 gallons of kitchen grease while trying to defecate in the barrel and immortalized yourself on video, police want to speak to you (poconorecord.com)	(84)
	Elisabeth Hasselbeck returns from maternity leave with a Seinfeld-ian tale of nipple slippage (bostonherald.com)	(333)
(Bradenton Herald)	Holocaust denier, convicted of attacking Elie Wiesel in an elevator in 2007, now sets his sights on $60M in damages from Holocaust survivor (bradenton.com)	(169)
	To everyone's complete surprise, Balloon dad believes that the world is going to end in 2012, and did the hoax thingee because he needed money to build an underground bunker (cnews.canoe.ca)	(364)
	Man tries to cut his girlfriend's throat with a fork. Faces felony charges for assault, appalling grasp of table etiquette (helenair.com)	(131)
	College tuition rising again this fall from "exorbitant" to "why don't you skip the four years and just get a job at McDonald's now instead" (news.yahoo.com)	(577)
	Life imitates a Jeff Foxworthy joke: Woman sets trailer on fire trying to chase away raccoon with smoke-bomb fireworks (cbs2chicago.com)	(64)
(WWMT)	Man makes world's longest wooden chain in memory of his wife, still waiting to attach world's largest wooden ball to the end (wwmt.com)	(73)
(Some Cooter Lover)	This year's Cooterfest brought to you by Citrus County. Bonus: Cooter Idol, Miss Cooter competition, and appearances from the son of the brother of the best friend of Lynrd Skynrd (wtsp.com)	(89)
	We know that it's just a thread and not Amelia Earhart's hair. But we're going to keep it on display anyway, in case all of those people we expect to come looking for Amelia's hair show up. Then they won't be disappointed (myfoxdc.com)	(50)
	Photoshop this radiowave roundup (spiegel.de)	(42)
	Today's nutbar story involves gasoline, a crossbow, a samurai sword, a "bat shield" and falling "like a sack of potatoes" from a stun gun hit. "This guy has issues. He's not dealing with a straight deck" (philly.com)	(92)
(Hudson Register Star)	It would appear to be an excruciatingly slow news day in Greenport, New York (registerstar.com)	(474)
	US scientist arrested for attempting to sell classified defense information to the Israelis. You know, our allies (huffingtonpost.com)	(232)
	"My tongue is not thick and I can move it freely in whichever way I want to. I can imitate over 100 noises but around 30 is enough in one performance." Surprisingly, this article is not about what you think (news.yahoo.com)	(69)
(Cato-at-Liberty)	Judge allows class action suit by victims of Hurricane Katrina against energy companies, whom the plaintiffs claim made the storm worse, to proceed. Next up: Suing the Moon for causing tides (cato-at-liberty.org)	(270)
(Some Guy)	Your toilet is clogged. Do you c) Stab your son in the stomach with a corkscrew? (ktla.com)	(168)
	Some people act on instinct to give the Heimlich maneuver to choking victims, or to stop runaway baby carriages. Others chase down opossums and stomp them to death (myfoxdc.com)	(69)
	WWF says that a shark decline would threaten tourism. No word yet about a cage match between Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker (news.com.au)	(82)
(English Russia)	Ever wonder what the Russian version of Icy Hot Stuntaz would look like? Wonder no longer. Bonus: pimp cup (englishrussia.com)	(342)
	Male nurse charged with sexually abusing patient at hospital; according to victim, "He said I had nipples, and wanted to milk them" (suntimes.com)	(98)
	Village people urged to support military operations against the Pakistani Taliban, play an encore of "YMCA" (fe11.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(40)
	Australian Immigration Minister complains that English tourists won't leave, considers enlisting the help of Basil Fawlty (news.com.au)	(52)
	Pot advocates respond to Obama directive to loosen guidelines on federal prosecution of medical marijuana: "Duude... uhh.. the top of my ears are really hot" (hosted.ap.org)	(330)
	British police raid wrong house and force innocent woman out of the shower. With pic which suggests the first thing they did was find her lots more clothing (lep.co.uk)	(81)
	A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And no-one should sleep with a horse, of course. There is no "unless" in this situation (news.com.au)	(166)
	You know a mother and her son are bonding when they discuss who gets the first needle and who gets the last of the heroin (jsonline.com)	(56)
	Nice udders (thelocal.de)	(131)
	Noted immunologist Louis Farrakhan says H1N1 flu vaccine was developed to kill people (upi.com)	(295)
(MaineToday.com)	Police chase ends when drunk driver is run over by his own truck (updates.pressherald.mainetoday.com)	(22)
(UCLA)	UCLA study finds that Internet use increases brain function use, left arm strength (newsroom.ucla.edu)	(46)
	East Germans nostalgic over how sex was before the Wall fell: cold, hard, silent. "Eastern women did not talk about their orgasm for hours." (google.com)	(92)
	Chipmunk becomes the target of bird gang violence. The Sun is there (thesun.co.uk)	(51)
	American tourist dies after swimming with dolphins. It can't have happened on porpoise (nzherald.co.nz)	(63)
	Photoshop theme: Truth in advertising (google.com)	(57)
(Some Guy)	A female parking enforcement officer was hurt in a collision between her scooter and a Geo Metro. Oow, plastic everywhere (officer.com)	(36)
(Some Guy)	Driver runs up 15 moving violations in 11 minutes. Maryland drivers scoff at this amateur (ydr.inyork.com)	(58)
	If toll roads and expensive gas won't make you use public transportation maybe $10 an hour parking at your office and local shopping center will (washingtonpost.com)	(202)
	Brewery sacks worker for "bringing beer-drinking into disrepute." Drew inconsolable (themercury.com.au)	(31)
	Man enlists in the Army at 39 so his wife can continue to receive cancer treatments (printthis.clickability.com)	(651)

Mon October 19, 2009

	What car from your birth year do you want? (jalopnik.com)	(481)
	An Epidemic of Fear: How dumbass parents threaten us all (wired.com)	(315)
(Some Serious Eater)	Weigh in on the single most important debate of our time: Should bagel shops charge extra for toasting? (newyork.seriouseats.com)	(103)
	Missing? Check. Female? Check. White? Check. Attractive? Check. Search in progress. National Media Frenzy begins in 5...4...3...2 (hamptonroads.com)	(184)
	Obama's too busy to attend a ceremony celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Besides, it would be a frivolous use of the office of the president (spiegel.de)	(410)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop a shiny new cover (front, back, spine, take your pick) to Sarah Palin's new book (popcrunch.com)	(68)
	Steve Irwin's $40 million zoo to open in Las Vegas. I'm sure that it will be a ray of sunshine for everyone (news.com.au)	(94)
	Meat master can identify cow's age, gender and breed from one bite of steak. Your dog is intrigued (independent.co.uk)	(115)
(Some Guy)	Art experts think they may have found the world's oldest painting to feature an image of a watch. How old is it? It's so old it only has one hand (newstin.co.uk)	(160)
	Doctor hands out 93,000 bottles of painkillers in 3 years. Attorney general writes end of script (indystar.com)	(217)
(Some Chick)	Children playing in woods find decomposed body on trampoline. Bonus quote from JP: "He probably just laid down and died." (news-journal.com)	(117)
	Balloon boy family feels 'Under Siege'. Sheriff's department is now Out For Justice as this story proves Hard To Kill. Is this family Above The Law, or will an Executive Decision leave them Marked For Death? (cnn.com)	(367)
	Couple gets married in strip club. To keep the classy bar high, they had their reception at Hooter's, then rode in the back of a manure truck to their honeymoon at a pay-by-the-hour hotel with a vibrating bed (metro.co.uk)	(99)
	Incomprehensible headline of the day: "Children's chief no patsy - Balls" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(65)
	Pimp explains why he does what he does: "I need clothes on my back, I need to be able to have a roof over my head. And uh, I've got a crack addition. That's a monster" (nola.com)	(126)
(KY3.com)	Po i e se k t ens who s ole let e s from ga a e s gn (ky3.com)	(92)
	"Almost the Truth" now airing, featuring interviews with Monty Python members. There was a funnier headline but the person who sacked the headline writer has been sacked (Sponsored Link) (ifc.com)	(91)
	"The cow had been placed outside the cathedral by Rory MacPhee who had rowed up the river with the cow from the King Harry offices in Feock" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(20)
	6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain (cracked.com)	(496)
(Drew)	Sex advice from mathemeticians, adult-onset Scottish syndrome, and Pope Obama: a smattering of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/11 to 10/17 (fark.com)	(23)
	California Environmentalists are so hardcore they even block environmental projects in the name of species they've never heard of (latimes.com)	(98)
(The Frisky)	Is the traditional marriage proposal dead? Subby wouldn't know - he slipped the carny a 20 to keep him and his wife stuck at the top of the ferris wheel until she said yes (thefrisky.com)	(177)
	In the latest war on intangible concepts, Obama has declared war on stupidity (msnbc.msn.com)	(506)
	Sometimes you can't do better than the existing headline: The mainstream evolution-theory scholar who fell in love and now believes that we're all controlled by shape-shifting reptilians (news.yahoo.com)	(72)
	Fiat once named a car Squirrel, probably because it would be instant roadkill if it met another car (pic) (boston.com)	(54)
(Some Chick)	Octomom: "I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin, I think he's hot" It was bound to happen (myfoxphilly.com)	(121)
	Russia doesn't give two craps about Obama's emphasis on happy fun good times diplomacy. All Putin wants is the price of oil to go higher, and a Middle East crisis makes that happen (online.wsj.com)	(63)
	Photoshop this flood plain fisher (spiegel.de)	(44)
	Washington Post reports that Balloon Boy is evidence that TV news is garbage and you should only trust fine publications like the Washington Post (subscribe today) (washingtonpost.com)	(144)
(Some Guy)	Wiry man all amped up after the shocking accusation that he is a current suspect in a recently conducted electrical supply store break in. Claims he was meditating at the time of the robbery, "Ohm." (royalgazette.com)	(77)
	Man hid 70 pounds of stolen copper in his lunchbox, was busted when someone offered to trade a cupcake for his Doritos (mcall.com)	(80)
(Some Guy)	Scooby Doo move over: Man charged with 2001 crime after police used blood from a leech found at the scene to make a DNA match (ottawacitizen.com)	(73)
	Female firefighters in Australia now being issued uniforms which turn see through when wet. That's hot (news.com.au)	(201)
(Brisbane Times)	What not thinking your cunning plan all the way through might look like (brisbanetimes.com.au)	(93)
	Slashing suspect takes a stab at representing himself in court: "Whoever attacked him had a high regard for life... because the cut isn't deep at all: It's on his neck. It's not on his face" (mcall.com)	(22)
(cfnews13.com)	Firefighters contain Pioneer Trail brush fire. Miraculously, no one died of dysentery (cfnews13.com)	(32)
(Some Guy)	Today's Fark-ready headline "Dumas turns himself in after leaving car on lawn" (katu.com)	(54)
	Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Guantana-phone (telegraph.co.uk)	(33)
	I saw a turtle...and it gave me salmonella (blogs.orlandosentinel.com)	(77)
(Some Guy)	Ex-girlfriend attacked with hair dryer. That blows (cfnews13.com)	(33)
	200 Mormon teens dress in period clothes to re-enact pioneer ancestors' journey to Utah, where they exercised their freedom to worship, build businesses, marry multiple young women, and vote for any Republican they wanted (azcentral.com)	(428)
(Taipei Times)	288 people killed by mudslides in the Benguet province. Officials say that it's two gross (taipeitimes.com)	(58)
(Some Guy)	American flag sticker on your firefighters' locker? That's a suspendin' (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(312)
(Some Painter)	Gaza zoo replaces zebras with painted donkeys. Photoshop some other possible zoo shenanigans (current.com)	(50)
(You Funny Guy)	Student charged with flashing woman and girls as young as 12. He was Hung (whtm.com)	(45)
	Mother escorts her soldier son's body home: "It was my responsibility as a mother to bring him home". Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give my teenage son a hug and forget about his messy room (cnn.com)	(157)
	'Face of Jesus' peers eerily out of door of gents' toilets in Ikea, Glasgow (thescottishsun.co.uk)	(96)
	Cricket might be a tough sport to market to women, but this might help. Farkettes, I give you "the hottest men of Australian cricket" (themercury.com.au)	(108)
	Cops demand DNA sample from boy for throwing ketchup. You say "to⋅may⋅to," I say "disturbingly oppressive and overreacting nanny state" (thesun.co.uk)	(86)
	Lip gloss now available with drink spike detector. It's still not gonna keep Nick Nolte out of trouble (news.com.au)	(67)
(Herald Sun)	Man caught driving while using two cell phones defends actions by pointing out he kept one finger on the wheel at all times (heraldsun.com.au)	(118)