Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-10-18

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Sun October 18, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Man arrested for shining a flashlight up at a military helicopter ten feet above his home doing a training exercise in the middle of the night (dailymail.co.uk)	(179)
		One flight attendant's really cool idea to help pass the time during the flight (news.cincinnati.com)	(384)
		Photoshop these PLA soldiers doing drills (inapcache.boston.com)	(45)
(Some Guy)		Late night at the karaoke bar is all fun and games until someone gets all scalpy (ocregister.com)	(40)
		Wheelchair-bound man climbs mountain with the help of charity climbers, only to discover that their charity ran out halfway up the mountain (news.com.au)	(187)
(Some Gun)		It's like Rule 34 for gun porn, including a 9mm crucifix (littlegun.be)	(213)
		Cu later scammers: study finds copper bracelets not useful for pain relief (blogs.usatoday.com)	(203)
		Swedish town burns rabbit carcasses for heat. Surprisingly, PETA has a problem with this. Mayor's three-part response: 1. STFU. 2. Why don't you care about people being cremated? 3. So STFU (news.yahoo.com)	(217)
		Florida manatee trapped in New Jersey. Subby, who got stuck in Trenton once, feels his pain (foxnews.com)	(60)
		Photoshop this cold crystal (spiegel.de)	(50)
		Indiana University among the top 'tweeting' schools in the nation. Ever since they dumped Bobby Knight things have gone downhill (wbbm780.com)	(33)
		LHC gears up to test the theory that it greenlights stories about itself from the past (sfgate.com)	(105)
(Some Guy)		It's true. Canada is just a cuter version of America (blogto.com)	(143)
(Some Guy)		Navy to curtail "at-sea training" due to budget shortfalls. As an active duty sailor, subby can attest how pointless all the war games scenarios he has to go out and do are and rejoices (ocregister.com)	(206)
		Panasonic decides that the dishwasher needs to be slower, less efficient, more creepy (engadget.com)	(62)
		Not news: guy builds treehouse. News: He has no children, and the multistory tree house is 50 feet high. FARK: Neighhbors threaten to burn it down (telegram.com)	(186)
		Moscow mayor promises there will be no snow this winter, no Santa Claus, and a unicorn in every garage (fe1.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(25)
		Scientist: In 20 years, global warming will cause the Arctic Ocean to be ice free in the summer. Arizona realtors readying beachfront property ads (reuters.com)	(293)
		Not news: Shark bites man. Fark: In Edinburgh, Scotland (guardian.co.uk)	(30)
		CVS is offering customers a twenty-five cent discount for every reusable bag they bring in. I'm sure this initiative won't backfire (consumerist.com)	(92)
		Ric Romero, consumer news reporter and part-time dictionary: "A growing number of savvy consumers are turning to bartering by trading skills, services or goods with one another, without exchanging any money" (abclocal.go.com)	(102)
		Money's tight, times are hard. Here's a goat, clearing your yard (seacoastonline.com)	(35)
		Dolphins play soccer. Bonus: With jellyfish (express.co.uk)	(57)
(Buzzfeed)		A collection of hilariously awkward family photos. Bonus: All before 1930 (buzzfeed.com)	(174)
		Nanny state broadcaster changes kid's nursery rhyme: 'Children will find it far too violent, distressing and horrific that Humpty should not be put back together again' (express.co.uk)	(128)
		Man's vanity license plate "xxxxxxx" confuses Birmingham, Ala. computers, allowing him to amass $19k in unpaid parking tickets. City spokesman says the city may change the system (hosted.ap.org)	(66)
		When people questioned NDSU President's lavish new house ($2M), his wife's salary of $50k/yr. for being an "ambassador" to the U, and his salary of $438k, he resigns saying the job "Isn't as fun as it once was" (nytimes.com)	(80)
		Why the hell did nobody think of this mobile entertainment service before? (dailystar.co.uk)	(73)
		As more cyclists hit the road, more cyclists hit the road (usatoday.com)	(349)
		Colorado town claims cow manure can be converted into clean energy. Critics say that's just bullshiat (hosted.ap.org)	(35)
		Photoshop this tiny spiny sowthistle (spiegel.de)	(27)
		FDA may limit sale of oysters because fisheries have failed to address safety issues. Government accuses industry of having shellfish motives (usatoday.com)	(35)
		Hurricane Rick's never gonna give Mexico's Pacific coast up (news.com.au)	(46)
		Police injured at power station protest. How could anyone be so coal-hearted? (news.com.au)	(26)
		Several injured in steamboat accident. This is not a repeat from 1829 (foxnews.com)	(29)
		Bear enters store, goes straight to beer cooler and grabs case of Hamm's (jsonline.com)	(62)
		New pub crawl world record set: 101 bars in 15 hours. Farkers check receipts from last Friday night, plan appeal (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(61)
		Sheriff: Charges will be filed in Balloon Boy saga. Finally, the last we'll hear about it (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(264)

Sat October 17, 2009

	Photoshop this touch down (spiegel.de)	(36)
	The latest thing to go "all natural" is bottled water. Just like Grandma used to pour (sunjournal.com)	(178)
(bacon lover)	Bacon soap?? Now it has gone too far (perpetualkid.com)	(97)
	"I kind of always wondered what it felt like to be bit [by a bear]...it didn't feel as bad as I thought it was going to feel." (cbc.ca)	(67)
(Winnipeg free Press)	This dog deserves steak (winnipegfreepress.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)	Best. Bender costume. Ever (kimncris.com)	(82)
	Citing energizing precedent of Barack Obama, Vatican watchers suspect Catholic Church will select black Pope to replace 82-year-old Benedict. Obama expected to decline offer (blogs.reuters.com)	(144)
	Authorities in Hudson, WI advise residents to be on the lookout for a woman driving a fake bus. Believed to be in the vicinity Monday through Friday at 7:15, 8:45, and on the hour from 10am until 5pm (startribune.com)	(36)
	Sapling created from tree outside Anne Frank's window to be brought to Seattle. What's the big deal? It isn't like she ever saw it (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(83)
	Gawker bought and presents the 'proof' that the Balloon Boy fiasco was a hoax, dad is a dumbass (gawker.com)	(230)
	Wine "expert" gives advice on pairings for Cap'n Crunch, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (philly.com)	(68)
	Gangs shoot down police helicopter in Rio de Janeiro. Unclear if this will be included as skeet shooting event in 2016 Olympics (hosted.ap.org)	(150)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this taxiway (cdn-www.airliners.net)	(46)
	Disney upset about Australian beer ad with 'Ho White' and the 7 dwarves. Throw another shrimp on the boobie (myfoxla.com)	(120)
(Some Guy)	In a contest that can't end well, Fox asks fans to design new Simpsons character (thrfeed.com)	(167)
	20 years ago today: "Hello everyone and welcome to game 3 of the World Series betw..." (sfgate.com)	(205)
(Some Clouds)	Eight breathtaking cloud formations from around the world. Conspicuously absent: Cumulonimbus (womansday.com)	(97)
	Winning team in Somali geography bee gets a rifle, two grenades, a landmine and office supplies woth $1000. Who wants to enter a Fark team for next year? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(59)
	The president of the Maldives and his cabinet sign a bill 16 feet underwater to "send a message." Media says "Meh -- try a shiny balloon next time" (cnn.com)	(115)
(Some Philatelists)	Starting in January, mail sent from the UK is finally going to be worth getting; the postal service is issuing stamps based on classic albums from Bowie, Pink Floyd, and New Order (norphil.co.uk)	(59)
(Springfield Republican)	Be careful driving an out of state car in Wisconsin. The cops there are strict (masslive.com)	(93)
(Some too-old Guy)	Reminder: This Saturday. Cleveland Fark party. At 8pm at the place in the link (thescreamingrooster.com)	(80)
	Huffington Post taunts the Gods of Farkistan by declaring Rainbow Brite's makeover: skinnier and sexier (huffingtonpost.com)	(140)
	Get a bad lawyer, lose a $47,000 judgement you should not have lost, and wind up owing $500,000 for no apparent reason (billingsgazette.com)	(82)
	Bus driver suspended for wearing pink tie to support breast cancer awareness (breitbart.com)	(92)
(Thousands Standing Around)	Remember the woman who had her son "stolen" by the TSA? Yeah, she made it all up (tsa.gov)	(483)
	Public asssessment of accuracy, bias and (lack of) independence of media news now at lowest levels in more than two decades. Hey look, a shiny balloon (fe13.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(54)
	"V" for "Very stupid" (boston.com)	(72)
	New Hampshire police told to stop running criminal background checks before returning confiscated firearms to owners. It's not their job (seacoastonline.com)	(97)
	How to tell an adulterer: "He can't go anywhere without his phone, he's constantly doing housework, he's all over you, he's keeping you at arm's length." So that really helps us narrow it down, thanks (women.timesonline.co.uk)	(127)
	One MORE time...Moms, don't leave your nine year old in the car while you stop at the tavern for a drink or three. Oh, heck, I give up with this, they're not getting it (postcrescent.com)	(26)
	Flight diverted after beer stolen. I've got to say, I'm with the airline on this one (metro.co.uk)	(21)
	Tony Blair's former communications director calls the Daily Mail "the media equivalent of dogsh*t." Fox News outraged, saying that's THEIR slogan, dammit (guardian.co.uk)	(63)
	Photoshop challenge: Create a convincing freak of nature (fark.com)	(64)
	While many California judges have ruled revenue-raising ticket cameras illegal, you're not allowed to say so in court (thenewspaper.com)	(55)
(Tommy Seven Toes)	24 toed cat "Mr. Toes" would like to give you a "high seven" just in time for Caturday (www2.nbc4i.com)	(lots)
	In these troubled economic times, it's comforting to know that college students still insist on HBO viewed on 42" flat-screen televisions, gaming systems and a ... $45 per hour personal concierge? (boston.com)	(98)
	Man sentenced to one day in jail for asking woman if her daughter was a stripper (blog.al.com)	(67)
(Newsminer)	In the same time it took Balloon Boy to get famous this guy survived a plane crash, walked nearly 20 miles over two days with injuries before finding help, not getting eaten by wolves (newsminer.com)	(28)
	Man really threw himself into the spirit of Halloween this year. Neighbors claim his balcony display is very realistic (hosted.ap.org)	(30)
	Hardline Islamists in Somalia are now publically whipping women for wearing bras. "If they are found wearing a bra, they are ordered to remove it and shake their breasts" (dailymail.co.uk)	(154)
	Texas man, 83, allegedly opens fire on his son for refusing to stop drumming. Understandably, the police have been reluctant to show this guy any tympani (baltimoresun.com)	(41)
	Target web site sells a Halloween costume featuring an alien mask, a green card and an orange jumpsuit with "illegal alien" written across the front. Why, yes, some people do have a problem with this (myfoxla.com)	(102)
	How meerkats conquered the world. "In gloomy times, meerkats have a unique power to make us happy." (independent.co.uk)	(43)
	Tonight, the earth was almost smacked by an asteroid big enough to destroy a large city. (It was closer to us than the moon) (gizmodo.com)	(207)
	Harvard loses nearly $2 billion because it placed its daily operations money into aggressive investment funds. Whoopsies (boston.com)	(74)
	Photoshop this peculiar playground piece (images.google.com)	(23)
	Judge refuses to hear deaf school lawsuit (wcco.com)	(32)
	It's rush hour on busy highway. There are 8 chihuahuas and daddy dog has deformed leg. If you guessed the daddy dog with the deformed leg led his pups across the busy highway to Animal Care Services you would be right (mysanantonio.com)	(46)
	Man crushed by garbage truck while he was sleeping in a dumpster is described by friends as an "intelligent person who loved to take adventurous solo trips to different places" (helenair.com)	(91)

Fri October 16, 2009

(Some MD Dude)	Two nurses report doctor to Texas medical board for shady practices. Do they discipline the doc? No, he filed a criminal complaint, and both nurses are now facing jail time (kevinmd.com)	(139)
	Proof that balloon boy was a hoax is for sale for $5-8,000 (gizmodo.com)	(246)
	Woman gets 40 years for strangling her mother, looking like Billy Ray Cyrus (theledger.com)	(66)
	Today's TSG mug shot round up is dedicated to the Children (thesmokinggun.com)	(295)
	North Dakota man says someone stole his cat and poured bleach in his aquarium. Also that there's a leg sticking out of his wood chipper (boston.com)	(55)
	"Manthropology"-If you're reading this then you -- or the male you have bought it for -- are the worst man in history (sports.espn.go.com)	(158)
	"Legally, the question of whether the spiciness of the kebab sauce constituted 'normal' or grievous bodily harm must be addressed" (reuters.com)	(71)
(Some Guy)	Only in the desert: fried scorpions at the state fair. Yum (myfoxphoenix.com)	(43)
	NJ Assembly candidate makes a living by organizing sex toy parties for women and couples, likens it to a Tupperware party and a great way to meet voters (philly.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this dog toy (i.walmartimages.com)	(37)
	Chef: If one more person orders mozzarella caprese, "I swear to God I'll shoot you in the forehead,". Jailarity ensues (sun-sentinel.com)	(142)
	Swine flu finally detected in US swine. Start hoarding your bacon (wral.com)	(99)
	5 authors more badass than the badass character they created. Yes, Ian Fleming could kill you more quickly than James Bond could (cracked.com)	(88)
	Neighborhood in uproar after guy names hot dog stand "Felony Franks" and employs ex-cons. Includes worst pun filled headline of the day (online.wsj.com)	(75)
(Some Miffed Mom)	Woman tries to go through metal detector at Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson aiport with her infant son, only to have his pacifier set off the alarm. TSA did the only rational thing and took the woman's son from her. Yes, it gets better (mybottlesup.com)	(562)
	"We'd like to pitch (Abashiri) as a town of emus in addition to Abashiri Prison," a municipal official said (search.japantimes.co.jp)	(21)
	Move from kindergarten to first grade results in crying, depression, suicidal thoughts and eventually a lawsuit. Fark: From the teacher (jsonline.com)	(71)
	Apparently it's against the law to force the mentally ill to work naked and perform sex acts while billing the government and their families for the therapy (kansas.com)	(112)
	If you're the only person in your car when a cop pulls you over, quickly scrambling to the back seat is not going to get you out of a ticket (buffalonews.com)	(47)
(Some Cop)	Expired inspection? Check -Expired registration? Check - On your Police fleet? Fark (thepittsburghchannel.com)	(52)
(IFC)	"Monty Python's "Almost the Truth" set to air, which is the entire behind the scenes story of the comedy troupe -- or at least as much as their lawyers will allow them to admit (Sponsored Link) (ifc.com)	(150)
	Shots fired into Burger King drive-through window. Police on lookout for redheaded man dressed in yellow, possibly accompanied by large purple bell-shaped creature (charlotteobserver.com)	(152)
(Some Superhero)	Superhero Smackdown quarter-finals Spiderman vs Flash (thecorrectness.com)	(302)
(Wired UK)	Actual headline: Super slo-mo Jesus lizard walking on water (wired.co.uk)	(52)
	Brothel offers discounts for 'green' customers who pedal to the door. "Schwinn" (baltimoresun.com)	(106)
	Woman left with ten-minute memory wins £4.46m claim, offered to greenlight articles on Fark (dailymail.co.uk)	(130)
	Australian baby survives falling under train, dingoes (cnn.com)	(88)
	Nebraska meatpacker recalls 33,000 pounds of beef tongue. Fondly (upi.com)	(77)
	A TSG staple for today's Friday Photo Fun. Identify the band by their concert rider. Contest ends at 4 pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(290)
(Durham Times)	Woman left with ten-minute memory wins £4.46m claim, offered to greenlight articles on Fark (durhamtimes.co.uk)	(95)
(Some Guy)	Hit a dog with your car and it's not quite dead. Do you C) Euthanize it with a hammer and machete and then get attacked by the dog's owner with the same hammer and machete? Fark: Driver in hospital, owner in jail, dog still alive (postandcourier.com)	(445)
(Some Paranoid Guy)	Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining" was his way of telling us he faked the moon landing. Obviously. Enjoy your brain hemorrhage reading this (jayweidner.com)	(379)
	Iron Photoshop Ingredient: Clothes Pins (images.google.com)	(25)
(Some Guy)	Is this Australia's fittest woman? You be the judge (w/pic) (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(347)
	Five books every cook should have. Does not include "101 Microwave Pies" or "Watery Crock Pot Recipes for the Unimaginative" (food.theatlantic.com)	(285)
	Woman had 15 abortions over 17 years, describes herself as an 'abortion addict'. Many different theories suggested, but at this point one can only speculum (myfoxla.com)	(732)
	"Girl chops off tongue to get the right groom." Well, he's not gonna want you now, honey (timesofindia.indiatimes.com)	(127)
	Autistic kid rocks (abclocal.go.com)	(196)
	City council meetings may seem dull most of the time, but you never know when an old man fight will break out (w/ video) (tampabay.com)	(99)
	"Here's an idea. It's a crazy idea, I know, but hear me out: when you're covering a news story and there are, for the moment, no new pieces of information to discuss, stop covering the story for a little while." (nj.com)	(111)
	Tropical storm Rick could be rollin' as a hurricane by Friday (news.yahoo.com)	(63)
	Photoshop these pumpkins on pallets (inapcache.boston.com)	(31)
	News: Couple catches thief in the act of trying to steal car. Fark: It turns out to be a bear. Bonus: "This car is mine" photos (denverpost.com)	(109)

Thu October 15, 2009

	Principal refuses to allow lesbian student's senior picture to be put in the school yearbook because she is wearing a tuxedo (foxnews.com)	(497)
	"Balloon Boy" Falcon Heene accidentally admits "We did it for the show" on Larry King. Bonus: Fart (youtube.com)	(lots)
(Some Guy)	If you recently stole a show goat named Bluebell and dressed her up in a tutu, the police would like a word with you and submitter would like to sponsor you on TotalFark (wnyt.com)	(50)
	Texas man faces execution after jurors consult Bible to decide fate. Smite not be over yet (telegraph.co.uk)	(303)
	After finding a missile launcher on his property, man can't get the FBI, Homeland Security, or the Sheriff to do anything about it. "There's some crazy whitetail hunters around here. Maybe they're going overboard?" (chron.com)	(66)
	The Constitution bars Obama from accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, unless he gets approval from Congress (washingtonpost.com)	(321)
	Photoshop this bevy of balloons (online.wsj.com)	(53)
(Some Rum Thief)	300 pound thief not a woman, not long and not cool but he was in a black dress (argusleader.com)	(23)
(SF Weekly)	So, they caffeinated sunflower seeds (blogs.sfweekly.com)	(39)
	Because of the recession, more people are panning for gold in California. No this is not 1849 (nbclosangeles.com)	(60)
	Man caught shoplifting fishnet stockings and women's underwear says he needed them for his Halloween costume. Yeah, right. Bonus: his name is Spiral Lightninghawk (blogs.twincities.com)	(66)
	You ever have one of those days when you and your dad get wasted, decide to burglarize a house, he leaves you passed out under a bed and you end up getting identified by the neighbor - who just happens to be your grandfather? (denverpost.com)	(20)
(Some Guy)	On average, men cry six times a year and usually at weddings. Especially when they find out the bar's dry or that hot bridesmaid is engaged (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(257)
	Interracial couple denied marriage license in Lousiana. This is not a repeat from 1959, cher (news.yahoo.com)	(472)
	I don't want to Quarle with you, but he's only MOSTLY dead (baltimoresun.com)	(48)
	Does Barbie have cankles? CBS actually investigates this pressing mystery and takes to the streets to find the truth (wcbstv.com)	(33)
	Balloon down, no sign of boy as search parties begin fanning out. UPDATE: FOUND, safe, was hiding in a box in the garage attic (cnn.com)	(√-1)
	When your 79-year-old mother falls down and you can't lift her back up... just go back to bed man, she's gone (nj.com)	(39)
	There just might be a problem when the tapwater coming out of your faucet catches fire (consumerist.com)	(93)
	If you think your credit card company sucks, First Premier Bank is offering cards with a 79.9% interest rate. Because the .9% makes all the difference (nbcsandiego.com)	(242)
(Some Guy)	State of Kansas: 0. Extremely large rodent: 1 (ksby.com)	(60)
	So this guy walks up to a cop with ziploc bag of marijuana stuck to his forehead (pennlive.com)	(54)
	Theme park receives exorcism after Ouija board session stirs up spirits: "It was a pretty strange sight to see a priest walking around Saw - The Ride holding a bible in one hand and a crucifix in the other" (thesun.co.uk)	(46)
	A 6-year old boy is floating above Colorado in an 'experimental aircraft' - news still coming in (9news.com)	(too many)
	More kids using sign language in the classroom. And not just the obvious ones (washingtonpost.com)	(77)
	Pfizer cutbacks to release a flood of disgruntled biologists and chemists into the streets of Gotham, assuring a new wave of cool super villians (bloomberg.com)	(46)
	"That biatch be your main biatch, you know what I'm sayin?" "Yes, I know what you are saying...you don't have to keep asking" (southparkstudios.com)	(109)
	With Halloween coming up, here's how to make a mummified fairy. And, no, you don't just cover Richard Simmons with natron for a few weeks (pic) (boingboing.net)	(31)
	Female pilots lost in space race, probably because they got stuck in the merge lane (usatoday.com)	(96)
	USA Today explores those special people whose lives have been transformed by social games such as Farmville, Mafia Wars, and Sorority Life (usatoday.com)	(130)
	What animal were George Washington's teeth made from? A) Baby seal. B) Bald eagle. C) Hippo? (w/ pics) (myfoxdc.com)	(53)
(Some Guy)	Werewolf nuns scaring tourists away from Australia (sanitypreferred.blogspot.com)	(46)
	The two whitest people in American donate $10 million to construct the National Museum of African American History and Culture (washingtonpost.com)	(255)
	Tahoe priest claims he was fired for filing a protective order against a deacon, who sent him death threats. With picture of said priest baptising a puppy (rgj.com)	(39)
(My Fox)	In Australia, January is a summer month, toilets flush counter-clockwise and midgets ride people (myfoxatlanta.com)	(76)
	Photoshop this monarch's millinery (online.wsj.com)	(61)
	Police think it unlikely that the thieves who bundled the half-goat half-sheep creatures into a small hatchback were professional rustlers (express.co.uk)	(41)
(Albany Times Union)	1. Ban burn barrels. 2. Jack up landfill fees. 3. Profit. I♥NY (timesunion.com)	(226)
(Some Guy)	Maybe those OCD hand washers aren't so crazy after all (blog.taragana.com)	(167)
	Mind you, møøse kicks kan be pretty nasti (thelocal.se)	(59)
	67 year old city councilman and Baptist Minister waited (at least) 20 years for God to bring him his intended wife. Then it gets weirder (philly.com)	(100)
(Some Guy)	When trying to avoid a DUI, make sure your vehicle isn't on fire (pittsburghlive.com)	(16)
	Judge stumps gay marriage ban lawyer by asking how gay marriage prevents procreation for heterosexuals. Darn those activist judges and their logical questions (msnbc.msn.com)	(lots)
	Another example of Puritan America: Violence ruined by nudity yet again (startribune.com)	(168)
	Photoshop this gecko foot (flickr.com)	(26)
	Pennsylvania dad pleads guilty to hosting teen drinking party with stripper pole. Farkers everywhere raise their PBR in a cheer (philly.com)	(65)
	The Boston Globe, which is actually more left-wing than Boston is generally (yes, that is possible) is no longer on the market (google.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)	What was the worst job of the 19th century? If your goal was to revive the dead, employment as a tongue-puller, nipple-pincher or anal tobacco blower had to be near the top of the list (longstreet.typepad.com)	(65)
	Delta decides the best way to fight against woman who started an action group entitled Flyers' Rights is to hack into her email account in order to discover what she was telling media and the FAA (consumerist.com)	(90)
	Study finds that men purchase fast cars due to testosterone, small penises (cbc.ca)	(177)
	Defendants attorney, "You know when my clients chimpanzee ripped your face off? It was on the job and is therefore a workmans comp claim. Your argument is invalid". This should end well (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(126)
	Have you ever had a dream about this guy? Oddly enough, you're not alone (iheartchaos.com)	(264)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 232: "Software Hootennany" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(178)
	People of the world: What the fark, why isn't the LHC working? We spent a lot of money on that Scientists: ...uh... the LHC is sabotaging itself... from the future. Yeah, that's right... it is sabotaging itself from the future (nytimes.com)	(218)

Wed October 14, 2009

	If you use an online dating service, you may have a chance at getting a date with Jessica Simpson (contactmusic.com)	(162)
(Some Aussie)	Australian horse racing officials criticized for dwarf-racing competition. Looks like they came up a bit short, and wouldn't pony up to the naysayers (myfoxnepa.com)	(19)
	On the other hand, for $87.50 and a parakeet they probably could have had a teenager, (msnbc.msn.com)	(21)
(The Monster Under The Bed)	Awesome ad free slideshow of horror photography by Joshua Hoffine. Warning: not suitable for everyone. Bonus: slideshow all on one page (joshuahoffine.com)	(85)
	Ayatollah Khamenei reportedly in a coma (pajamasmedia.com)	(364)
	Iron Photoshop ingredient: anvils (LGT an anvil) (runescapehelpers.files.wordpress.com)	(75)
	A Baptist church will hold a book burning which will include The Bible (non-KJV), works by the Pope, Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, and contemporary Christian music. Bar-b-que chicken, fried chicken and all the sides will be served (rawstory.com)	(424)
	7 sex tips critiqued by a virgin (cracked.com)	(453)
(Some Guy)	Filippa Hamilton, the model from the Ralph Lauren photo controversy has been fired for being too fat, at 120 lbs (usmagazine.com)	(197)
	Is there anything hotter than a pregnant stripper beating a co-worker in the head with a stiletto heel? (ohio.com)	(184)
	Not content with trying to ban house parties and alcohol on the beach, San Diego man is now crusading to stop medical pot dispensaries. I bet he's a riot to hang out with (www3.signonsandiego.com)	(235)
	Nothings land a plane faster than a Bible-quoting freak who won't let other passengers use the bathroom. "The suspect kept telling her that his blood would be on her" (foxnews.com)	(266)
	You know who else liked garden gnomes? (pic) (news.yahoo.com)	(86)
	First they came for the 23 year old alcoholic nymphomaniacs, and I said nothing, because I was too busy dodging the pocketknives she was throwing at my head (nwfdailynews.com)	(114)
	Don't stint on the nightingales tongues and stuffed larks, and make sure the fat guy has enough honey cakes: How to cater a Roman orgy (food.theatlantic.com)	(74)
	Despite hipsters' claims that they drink PBR because it is "the best beer for the price," PBR has actually been running a word-of-mouth campaign targeting hipsters, and now costs $1.50 more than other crappy beers (nbclosangeles.com)	(680)
(Some Guy)	Newest threat to aviation security: Coal barges in Cincinnati (wlwt.com)	(93)
	46-year-old English man acquires Tourette's Syndrome, baffling doctors who simply assumed he was Scottish (news.bbc.co.uk)	(164)
	Man sentenced to probation after stabbing girlfriend's pet fish. And if you can visualize the sort of idiot who might do such a thing, there's a mugshot that looks EXACTLY like that staring back at you from the article (oregonlive.com)	(216)
(Foxcarolina.com)	Transylvania County NC expecting 2, 3, 4 inches of flooding rains today. Ah Ah Ah (foxcarolina.com)	(77)
	The name's Mussolini. Benito Mussolini (guardian.co.uk)	(68)
	The Washington Post asks readers for the most helpful morsel of food advice they ever received (washingtonpost.com)	(532)
	"No officer, I haven't been raping anyone in here". "Well you look like an honest chap, so I'll just take your word for it" (news.bbc.co.uk)	(113)
	In an effort to improve the popularity of the census in rural Kentucky, the US Senate wants to add a bonus question (usatoday.com)	(153)
	Photoshop this soccer player (msn.foxsports.com)	(35)
	The origin of the three names we have for one season. Autumn, Fall, and Harvest. Plus a nice picture of a cactus (myfoxdc.com)	(52)
	DVRs, which TV networks used to say were killing them, now represent a crap-lined industry's last great hope (usatoday.com)	(170)
(Fosters.com)	Some inmates are asking to stay in jail until the economy gets better. Three squares a day, a roof over your head, and cable TV? Sign me up (fosters.com)	(124)
	Too drunk to remember where you left your pants? Yeah, you're going to jail (bangordailynews.com)	(27)
	"Next on WLS, a look at sports, your weekend forecast, and OH MY GOD,THE BABY'S COMING" (chicagotribune.com)	(48)
	City of Louisville launches ad campaign spoofing the Viagra commericals, hoping to engorge city coffers with tourist dollars (wbbm780.com)	(109)
	Another day, another stoner calling the cops because someone stole their weed (3news.co.nz)	(48)
	Woman pays deerly for petting wildlife (cbs4denver.com)	(71)
	Kellogg's to begin laser etching individual cornflakes, just in case somebody steals one of them (news.com.au)	(63)
	Apparently viewing soft-core porn while on-duty in your police squad car is perfectly ok (wbbm780.com)	(49)
(Huddersfield Examiner (UK news))	Man fined £150 for keeping cows in dark (examiner.co.uk)	(30)
	Zach Braff is not dead, but he is shooting new episodes of Scrubs, so, it is a little bit like dying (myfoxdc.com)	(124)
	Woman reprimanded by employer for calling 911 without permission after accidentally drinking oven cleaner (firstcoastnews.com)	(176)
	Toddler escapes from Toddler Escape (billingsgazette.com)	(110)
	If you want controversy, set up an art exhibit featuring a black Jesus and a chimp nailed to a cross. "Great art grabs you and they make you think deeper." (telegraph.co.uk)	(147)
(Some Guy)	Most of us have been annoyed about being carded to get into an R-rated movie, but this was a slight overreaction (theindychannel.com)	(203)
	Police say teen turned burrito into deadly weapon. Submitter says his college roommate had that trick down years ago (abcactionnews.com)	(70)
	Lettuce never forget the medium-rare case of the man charged with criminal damage to a hamburger. He never relished the fact that he was grilled for hours, and in the end found himself in quite the pickle (telegraph.co.uk)	(29)
	Photoshop this jammin' Jackson (online.wsj.com)	(23)
(Airliners.net)	"We will be arriving shortly at Naha Airport. To your right is the beautiful Okinawan coast. On the left, you can see what's left of our competitor's aircraft." (airliners.net)	(39)
	Unless she's counting the Men In Black, the Secretary of DHS does not know how many departments she's in charge of (thedailyshow.com)	(51)
(Pressconnects.com)	Police execute search warrant and find a whole ounce of weed. When will the stupidity end? (pressconnects.com)	(158)
	Hey Drew, wanna help Drew get Drew to donate $1million to charity? (cnn.com)	(67)
	Maria Shriver one of the first people cold busted by her husband's cell phone law (tmz.com)	(172)

Tue October 13, 2009

	I'll see your Cub Scout suspended for bringing an eating utensil to school and raise you an Eagle Scout barred from campus for having a 2" pocketknife locked in his car (foxnews.com)	(446)
	Obama picked 15th hottest head of state. It's not news, it's CBS News (cbsnews.com)	(128)
(IdahoNews)	Idaho teacher arrested for masturbating in a Costco. No word yet if he was shopping for tents (2news.tv)	(123)
	Lift a pint in memory of Greg Noonan, the godfather of the microbrew movement (burlingtonfreepress.com)	(127)
	Photoshop this red-legged reader (online.wsj.com)	(51)
	$1.5M Russian SUV Features Diamond & White Gold Gauges, Bullet Proof Windows, Whale Penis Leather Interior....Wait, What? (jalopnik.com)	(656)
	In an effort to compete with nearby Baltimore, Thugs in DC have begun bike-by shootings (washingtonpost.com)	(112)
	If your child "arrived home smelling of pickles or jalapenos over the weekend", the police would like a word with him (nola.com)	(75)
	What do you call a one-armed man at softball game? I don't know either, but a sheriff deputy is in trouble for making fun of him (tcpalm.com)	(153)
(Some Guy)	160 head of cattle flame broiled in barn fire. It was total loss, but farmer thanks firefighters for a job well done with so much at steak (myabc50.com)	(81)
	Dammit officer, there wouldn't be a problem if the city had proper hitching posts (billingsgazette.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)	If you leave your cellphone with a bartender as collateral until you find the money to pay your bill, make sure you don't have child porn on your phone (brookfieldnow.com)	(146)
	"Ethnographer danah boyd, who does not capitalize her name, says 'people self-segregate' " (edition.cnn.com)	(308)
	Warning issued after python is seen in neighborhood: "Residents are advised to be vigilant and call authorities if approached by the snake, which is said to be unarmed" (sun-sentinel.com)	(103)
	PSA: If you need a goat farked, CNN will do it (thedailyshow.com)	(175)
	New navy ship with seven and a half tons of steel recovered from the World Trade Center is on its maiden vogage (liveshots.blogs.foxnews.com)	(462)
	Newspaper boxes may be prohibited outside new Jewish history museum in Philadelphia, to deter potential bombers and because nobody really wants to buy a damn copy of El Hispano (philly.com)	(59)
	"I don't know how I'm going to teach a history lesson to squirrels, but I would be willing to sit them down and try to talk to them" (seacoastonline.com)	(50)
	Man arrested for threatening Options Exchange guard with can of beer; cops say he was armed with a Colt .45 (suntimes.com)	(40)
	Remember folks, flying trampolines and freeways do not mix well (theaustralian.news.com.au)	(17)
(Cynical C Blog)	Photoshop this SEM image of a mosquito (cynical-c.com)	(32)
(Some Guy)	Man killed in drunken chess fight. Checkmate, biatch (press-citizen.com)	(72)
(TG Daily)	Steve Jobs is bigger than Oprah. Not physically, obviously (tgdaily.com)	(90)
	One of the reasons Obama may be "indecisive" about McChrystal's request for more troops is because he already secretly approved an additional 13,000 troops for Afghanistan-in addition to the 20,000 he sent in March (news.yahoo.com)	(256)
(Berkshire Eagle)	Man sets self on fire, runs into neighbor's home and sets it ablaze. "Now it's personal," says neighbor (berkshireeagle.com)	(36)
	Miss Homeless Belgium crowned. You'd give her a sammich (pic) (express.co.uk)	(241)
	Too lazy to even press the button on your keychain to start your car? Yeah, there's an app for that (usatoday.com)	(76)
(WTVR)	Butt painted portrait of Stephen Colbert raises money for public schools (wtvr.com)	(64)
	The London Aquarium is now catering to the gay fish demographic (telegraph.co.uk)	(56)
	This Halloween, your dog wants to be one sexy biatch (salon.com)	(69)
	In today's current events, family of three attempts to erect radio antenna, ohmitting the step where they should check for overhead power lines. Darwin amply pleased (clickorlando.com)	(167)
	Newspaper sued for badmouthing Stalin, which is kind of like getting punched by a jock for hating Nickelback (3news.co.nz)	(132)
	Hots: Lesbian gets so drunk she gets it on with a guy. Scots: They're both so drunk they don't realize they're in the police station parking lot (dailyrecord.co.uk)	(157)
	USA Today asks how hunters stay in shape during the off season. Top answers include "running," "sailing," and "triathalons." Yeah (usatoday.com)	(153)
	The Boston Globe would like you to know that Massachusetts can be chilly in October (boston.com)	(114)
	Born with half a brain, woman living a full life. Article doesn't mention what district she was elected to Congress from (cnn.com)	(173)
	He's a former communist nation trying to find its way in a new world. She's an independent country free of the relationship that nearly killed her. Can one dusty rogue nation help them find love? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(84)
(Some Guy)	Who among us has not wanted to lure a telemarketer into our homes just to punch them in the face? (abclocal.go.com)	(119)
	"... the chance to combine two favourite German pastimes of saving money and stepping out naked proved irresistable" (thelocal.de)	(25)
	Some MBA students need to have their study material beat into them by a 5'10" Middle Eastern man wearing three-quarter length pants who is hiding in a bathroom stall with a hammer. Others do well with flash cards (myfoxdc.com)	(46)
	911: What's your emergency? Victim: Someone broke into my house last night. 911: We'll be by in about an hour, hour and a half tops. Victim: What if they're still here? 911: Maybe try to get back to sleep, warm milk always helps me (myfoxdc.com)	(132)
	Wild Stallions caught fighting on camera. Hopefully they'll make up with each other before the fourth annual San Dimas battle of the bands (dailymail.co.uk)	(105)
	British boy tries to bring sword into school. Epic flail (news.bbc.co.uk)	(95)
	When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's a moran (uk.news.yahoo.com)	(79)
(nbcdfw.com)	Manager of rodeo at Fort Worth Stockyards has problems with planned public "queer kiss-in" demonstration. "If they don't act right among cowboys, maybe they need to get a good whipping." Oooh, rough trade (nbcdfw.com)	(338)
	Gov. Schwarzenegger signs bill creating even more in-your-face, homosexual-bisexual-transsexual indoctrination (npr.org)	(161)
(WDSU)	Ten days, one neighborhood, zero murders. "It just makes you feel good when you don't hear about a murder." It's amazing what counts as good news in New Orleans (wdsu.com)	(115)
	Photoshop this New Delhi Air Show (newsimg.bbc.co.uk)	(29)
	Ancient flute played again for the first time in centuries, leaving Captain Picard staring pensively at the stars (cbc.ca)	(144)
	The five reasons why Rod Stewart, Tom Waits, Bob Seger, Axl Rose, Peter Criss, Brian Johnson of AC/DC and that dude in Cinderella should all worry (health.yahoo.com)	(67)
	Al-Qaeda 'faces funding crisis'. For a $20 donation you can have this beautiful Al-Qaeda tote, A $50 donation will get you the tote and a CD of Osama ululating the hits of the Beatles (news.bbc.co.uk)	(59)
	Maurice Sendak tells parents to "go to hell" (sfgate.com)	(219)
(Some Guy)	Remember that loss of benefits for AZ domestic partners? Well good news: they expire next year. Thanks contract law (ktar.com)	(41)
(Chronicle.com)	What poker can teach us about America. "The national card game still combines Puritan values with what might be called the open-market cowboy's desire to get very rich very quickly" (chronicle.com)	(53)
	The Salvation Army needs your suggestions for naming their holiday campaign. Why yes, I think we can offer some creative suggestions (qctimes.com)	(171)
	Police discover fake school bus with over 5,000 pounds of marijuana. Estimate the street value at 70 brazillion dollars (chron.com)	(59)
	Problem: chicken wings now sell for more than chicken breasts. Solution: Blinky's Nuclear Chicken Breeder Reactor Farm (nytimes.com)	(111)
	Ever want to build an AR-15 out of a cutting board? Me neither, but this guy did (youtube.com)	(87)
	Man steals _______ from convenience store. Returns an hour later to pay for _______. Was it: (a) Baby Formula (b) Medicine (c) Beer ? (azcentral.com)	(55)

Mon October 12, 2009

	Students have to learn that you must suffer for your art. This girl gets an "A" in the class after she puts her hands in plaster of Paris and loses eight fingers (mirror.co.uk)	(211)
	Five gunmen involved in Toledo shootout; no injuries reported. Mr. Magoo and David Paterson sought for questioning (cbsnews.com)	(75)
	Photoshop theme: Artier-than-thou (fark.com)	(51)
(macon.com)	Naked bicycle-riding suspect arrested. Bike taken as evidence, but may be tainted (macon.com)	(57)
	Headline: "Woman blames high heels for hooning." I have no idea what that means, but it sounds hot (theaustralian.news.com.au)	(85)
	Man falls 125 feet in lift accident. You're doing it wrong (news.yahoo.com)	(30)
(Some Guy)	Fire in slums of Sao Paolo, Brazil, leaves thousands of people homeless ... well, even more homeless, I guess (mathaba.net)	(65)
	UK regulations on hypnotherapists so lax that three industry bodies give accreditation to cat named George (with "you will gives me cheezburger" hypnosis photo) (news.bbc.co.uk)	(49)
	Sacramento mayor gets robbed in San Francisco, says it's the last time he is travelling to the Third World (abcnews.go.com)	(105)
	Wheelchair. Fencing. What could possibly go awesome? (nytimes.com)	(65)
(Tri City Herald)	If, after a night of partying, you misplaced your 100 lb. vagina sculpture, the Richland, WA police may have a lead for you (tri-cityherald.com)	(82)
(SF weekly)	"I want to be cremated," he says with his signature dry, knowing charm. "And I want my ashes blown in Uri Geller's eyes." (sfweekly.com)	(403)
	Beneath the dark waters of Loch Ness lurk... balls. Lots and lots of balls (cnn.com)	(84)
	Beer tax increase in Wisconsin unlikely to pass, but if you've ever wondered how many bottles of beer are sold annually in Wisconsin, it's a little over 2.4 billion. Billion, with a B (620wtmj.com)	(153)
(Some Guy)	Man shoots his fiancée one day before the wedding. Whew. That was close (katu.com)	(186)
(Drew)	Congratulations to 40below for achieving 10,000 greenlights on Fark. Also some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/4 - 10/10 (fark.com)	(448)
(NWAnews)	Shocking study results reveal that women buy shoes that hurt their feet (adg.nwanews.com)	(200)
	Best video of a Beluga whale blowing bubble rings you'll see all day (myfoxdc.com)	(56)
	Photoshop theme: Other uses for condiments (fark.com)	(47)
(Kent News Net)	Squirrel decorating contest a big success (media.www.kentnewsnet.com)	(51)
	Sunday was Family Fun Day at Indianapolis' largest cemetary. Come on out and play some cornhole on the grave of that great aunt who stiffed you in her will (indystar.com)	(71)
	Some people can sleep through anything, like your house burning down and collapsing around you (pennlive.com)	(42)
	Mathematicians are giving sex advice now. How hard could that be? Subtract clothes, divide legs, add penis, multiply (advice.nerve.com)	(166)
(Jackal Lantern)	So here's a pumpkin with an outboard motor (theday.com)	(39)
	The next time you're planning a series of burglaries, don't forget to work out your escape route ahead of time, because you'll be terribly embarassed if you have to ask a policeman for directions (thelocal.de)	(10)
(Some Guy)	Midget cheerleading isn't what you think. Or maybe it is, you perv (newsleader.com)	(138)
(UFO Digest)	Argentinian couple report seeing UFO abduct cow, offer blurry photos of cow being beamed up. Your aliens want steak (ufodigest.com)	(100)
	Depressed about violence in Afghanistan? Eh, go fly a kite (worldblog.msnbc.msn.com)	(30)
	Suspect is pantsless. Repeat: pantsless (stuff.co.nz)	(28)
	Motorist who drove through puddle in Britain now faces prosecution for 'inconsiderate driving', a crime that if enforced in America would empty the streets in New York City, Miami and Boston (news.bbc.co.uk)	(98)
	4-month-old baby denied health insurance because of a pre-existing condition. He's 17 lbs, which the insurance company deems "obese." (rawstory.com)	(489)
	Add "cooking magazines" to list of things that the Internet has killed (usatoday.com)	(89)
	Your kid may be a genius when: 1) He teaches you about the reproductive cycle of penguins. B) He says "Mummy, sausages are like a party in my mouth." (myfoxdc.com)	(131)
(Some Guy)	Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to show your penis to a barmaid, officer (ydr.inyork.com)	(22)
	In another blow to the beleaguered publishing industry, magazines are suspected of spreading the H1N1 swine flu (wbbm780.com)	(46)
	Scandal hits the annual Swedish drinking song contest when the winner is revealed to be horrifically sober (thelocal.se)	(13)
	"You've got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying that thin models are ugly" (expatica.com)	(517)
	Athlete dies while running in Baltimore Marathon. No, he wasn't shot to death (myfoxdc.com)	(79)
(KXXV)	Do you always pull over when a cop wants you to? What if you were in a stolen car? And naked? (kxxv.com)	(23)
(Some Guy)	Today is the day when Canadian Farkers give thanks for everything they cherish in life - friends, family, ice hockey and most of all, the fact that they're not Americans. Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, eh? (cfra.com)	(204)
	If you need to get home after a heavy night of drinking, call a cab. That's called 'a good idea', whereas stealing an ambulance only seems like one at the time (courant.com)	(17)
	Old and busted: drawing penises on some drunk guy's face with a Sharpie - New hotness: sprinkling his shirt with Sterno and lighting him on fire (ctv.ca)	(22)
	Not news: Kid with knife suspended from school. Fark: It's a first grader in a paramilitary group called the "Cub Scouts" (nytimes.com)	(325)
(SomeCapn)	Photoshop the missing exhibit (imgur.com)	(60)
(Some Bogan)	"Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his d* unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a f** rubber neck"; with pic of p***-off woman (ntnews.com.au)	(224)
	Nanny State about to start fining people who throw garbage into garbage cans £1,000 under new 'zero garbage' policy (dailymail.co.uk)	(157)
	I shed a tear when the cookie monster said it, but I just can't do it for Harvard's elite: "Cookies are a sometimes food" (nytimes.com)	(85)
	Soon your kitchen will be able to grow its own salads and ... seafood? (pic) (dailymail.co.uk)	(96)