Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-10-04

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Sun October 04, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(Juneau Empire)		If unsure that your .22 rifle is loaded, do you (c) put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger? (juneauempire.com)	(216)
		Photoshop this collection of cranes (spiegel.de)	(62)
		Wyatt Wilke passed away the day he was going to enter his sunflower in the local fair. His parents went and entered it on his behalf (cnn.com)	(328)
		10 tricks to reboot your brain. "Nice, cold glass of beer" mysteriously absent (msnbc.msn.com)	(109)
		Largest school district in state sues all girl school for beating it up and taking lunch money (ajc.com)	(79)
(The Fire)		Public college surprised to learn that students have rights that are protected by the First Amendment (thefire.org)	(338)
		Seven secrets that only two living people know (for some reason) (cracked.com)	(147)
(Some obvious cop hater)		Homeowner holds intruder at gunpoint. Cops respond to 911 call, shoot homeowner (still on phone with 911 operator) four times in the back, then twice more when he was on the ground. Bonus: 911 tape records cops planning the cover-up (courthousenews.com)	(564)
		Woman has children snatched twice, first by kidnapper, then by children's services (sfgate.com)	(57)
(Some Guy)		Bridge restrictions force officers to be on the lookout for drivers over 6,000 pounds. The scales of justice are toted on a flatbed (wboc.com)	(35)
(Some Guy)		C: "____ you pig, I don't have to do what you tell me," (currentargus.com)	(109)
(WFAA)		Woman paralyzed after getting swine flu vaccine. This IS a repeat from 1976 (wfaa.com)	(165)
		Catholic Church investigates "inexplicable" healing of dying man through power of faith in latest news that will be ridiculed as gullible pseudoscience by atheists before they leave for their weekly appointment with their homeopath (canada.com)	(287)
		So you've got a problem with contraband tobacco coming from reservations in your province. Do you: c) sue the companies that produce legal tobacco to make-up for the downturn in tax revenue? (torontosun.com)	(61)
		Jeremy Clarkson discovers limited edition American Insanity hot sauce: "Molten lava was flooding out of my nose. My mouth was a shattered ruin. Even my hair hurt ... I do not believe it's a foodstuff. It's a weapon" (timesonline.co.uk)	(199)
		Newsflash: Pets aren't children (heraldtribune.com)	(337)
(Some Guy)		Fox News reports 149 million are unemployed (pic) (imgur.com)	(311)
		Why does it feel like somebody's watching me? (thesun.co.uk)	(49)
		Photoshop this Black Forest Bollenhut (spiegel.de)	(43)
		Criminals steal woman's ID, hack into her bank account, deposit $30,000 and leave (mirror.co.uk)	(46)
(Albany Times Union)		Governor Paterson opens world's longest pedestrian bridge, says the view's great (timesunion.com)	(66)
		If you attempt to rob a bank and a 78-year-old bank teller kicks your sorry ass out, it's safe to say that your street cred is shot to hell (mcall.com)	(22)
		Dear prairie dogs: Funtime is over (cbc.ca)	(86)
		Gallant shows up to court in a suit and tie. Goofus shows up to court in a stolen car (mcall.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)		Alabama Fall Fair opens Monday and officials hope it will be as good as those held in more civilized states, such as Indiana: "You wouldn't believe what we had at a fair in Indiana - chocolate-covered bacon" (montgomeryadvertiser.com)	(40)
		If you were a nervous flyer to begin with, then watching the pilots and the cabin crew engage in an extended brawl over the Atlantic isn't going to do much for your peace of mind (news.bbc.co.uk)	(42)
		Man arrested for masturbating in Bed, Bath and Beyond parking lot, charged with indecent exposure, taking store name too seriously (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)	(43)
		First look at bearded Salma Hayek in upcoming film. Still sorta want (thesun.co.uk)	(99)
		Semper Lie (denverpost.com)	(219)
		Shoichi Naka...naga...nagonna be showing up drunk in public again (reuters.com)	(30)
		Sergeant with red-hot pieces of shrapnel in his head kept fighting Taliban forces while on a stretcher. In lieu of a Badass tag, here's the Hero tag (thesun.co.uk)	(67)
(Some Girl)		Photoshop this piece offering (img-fotki.yandex.ru)	(50)
		You knew it had to happen sooner or later - Chicago Sun-Times blames Bush for their town not getting the Olympics (suntimes.com)	(254)
		After insurance company refuses to pay for surgeries, doctor donates services to create a face for young woman who lost her eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw to a shotgun blast (news.aol.com)	(157)

Sat October 03, 2009

(Some Guy)	Tomorrow is International Pickle Day, so quit your brining, and go out and dill with it (newyork.metromix.com)	(103)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this woman fishing in the grass (megain.smugmug.com)	(59)
	School bans teachers from smoking, but makes special smoking area available for students. Yeah, some people think this makes no sense (thesun.co.uk)	(105)
	Latest issue of Glamour magazine finally honors fat women as beautiful too. Next issue, back to the anorexia parade (abcnews.go.com)	(851)
	Britain's NHS conducts the world's first census on autism. Much to Jenny McCarthy's dismay, they didn't just count everyone who's ever had a vaccine (time.com)	(138)
	Dancing With The Stars judge tries to kill a chicken with catapult. Then things get weird. Chicken trifecta complete (nzherald.co.nz)	(45)
(Some Guy)	Happy birthday Earth. 6,012 years young this month (wnd.com)	(506)
(Star Bulletin)	Prosecutor who lost speeding case complains "This is another example of the law of rules rather than the rule of law." Welcome to traffic court, Mr. Carlisle, that's what it's there for (starbulletin.com)	(120)
	Fifty California cities could be forced to refund red light camera tickets because they illegally give private contractors financial incentive to falsify tickets (thenewspaper.com)	(89)
	21 year-old woman in British store required to show ID for purchasing a) booze, b) cigarettes or c) teaspoons (myfoxdfw.com)	(106)
	Carl Jung's "Red Book" an illuminated manuscript about his dreams, will be shown to the public for the first time. Disappointed early reviewers say it's pretty much just a rip off of Star Wars (news.yahoo.com)	(61)
	One year after marijuana was decriminalized, people are smoking no more or less than they ever did but we need tougher laws because... because... well, there must be a reason (metrowestdailynews.com)	(236)
	Last time it was 112 Lortabs and a boiled egg; this time it was a laptop and a sammich. There's a mad, hungry burglar loose in Huntsville, folks (blog.al.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this TV time (img-fotki.yandex.ru)	(49)
	Pagans gather in Minnesota for weekend of worshipping tree stumps, embedding another couple of pounds of piercings into their faces before going back to their jobs at Starbucks on Monday morning (twincities.com)	(449)
	Russia to ban sale of liquor in airport duty-free shops. Now pilots will have to arrive at the airport pre-loaded (english.pravda.ru)	(22)
	ABC News stunned to learn about "Dead Peasant" insurance policies (dailykos.com)	(215)
	11 things that have been banned by Wal-Mart including pregnant barbies, confederate BBQ sauce, and Megan Fox (blogs.static.mentalfloss.com)	(83)
(Some Guy)	Chickenshiat couple flees KFC after using fowl language, taking peck at fellow customer. Bonus: Hot girl's sobbing, pouty mugshot (failuremag.com)	(90)
	Chick-fil-a has the best drive-thru in America. And the best chicken strips. And fries. And milkshakes. Really, it's the best farking fast food restaurant in America (consumerist.com)	(407)
(Some Guy)	The llamas that lleft Dubllin's highways in gridllock are on the llamb (independent.ie)	(29)
(BigGovernment)	Useless nanny-stating government douchiness, thy name is Quincy, Illinois (biggovernment.com)	(75)
	"Architecturally, Toronto is a city for people who can't stand Venice. There are large parts of Toronto that you can look forward to outliving. Honest Ed's discount store, for example, is the ugliest building in North America" (nationalpost.com)	(177)
	Marek Edelman, the last surviving leader of the 1943 Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, dies at 87. The Hero tag will fill in for the Sad tag here (bloomberg.com)	(66)
	Not news: Man wins $96,000 in scratch-off lottery. News: While on trial for embezzling from employer. Fark: To support scratch-off lottery addiction. Get a life, man (kansascity.com)	(19)
	Recording women's rear ends in public isn't illegal, it turns out (www2.tbo.com)	(127)
	Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmajew. Oy vey (telegraph.co.uk)	(186)
(pawnation)	Most of us feel "walked on" by our pets. Caturday video proves it (pawnation.com)	(871)
	Teenage photographer severely burned after climbing power pole to get a better shot of the sunset. Icarus unimpressed (www2.tbo.com)	(57)
(The Edmonton Journal)	Iqaluit considers installing first traffic light but residents will have Nunavut (edmontonjournal.com)	(28)
	Breast cancer survivors tire of pink ribbons commodifying their ordeal, advocate for wearing of purple ribbons to raise awareness of corporate exploitation of pink ribbons (boston.com)	(66)
	Ranger dies in Afghanistan saving 6 lives, donates organs and tissue to 75 people. Superhero tag wouldn't suffice (wcco.com)	(145)
(Buzzfeed)	Planning ahead for holiday office gifts? How about a Frida Kahlo uterus plushie? (buzzfeed.com)	(24)
	Obese skunk put on vegetarian diet to battle bacon addiction (pics) (green.yahoo.com)	(56)
	Town pays to have "Indian Rock" removed from road construction and set up as a monument in town. Wrong rock is moved and the "Indian Rock" is destroyed. Still consider putting up a sign that says, "Whoops" (sunjournal.com)	(23)
(Some Guy)	Pain clinic burglarized. Ouch (justnews.com)	(18)
(Some Chick)	When emptying your pockets before going through a metal detector at a courthouse it is best to not toss a bag of weed into the bowl (reporternews.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this face full of flowers (img-fotki.yandex.ru)	(31)
(Some Guy)	This KC-135E has been the village pump for any airman that came along almost as long as your mother, and 50 years later is heading for the Boneyard to meet her (military.com)	(67)
(Some Cartographer)	Q: What's high in the middle and round on both ends? A: A piano (cartogrammar.com)	(45)
(Some Guy)	Best game of Capture the Flag, EVAR (chicagotribune.com)	(33)
	It's not a good idea to call in a false accident report as you're getting pulled over. The fake sheriff's ID or the 14 EMT's that respond don't help much either (620wtmj.com)	(11)
	Fed up with parents drinking lagers at 8:30am while taking kids to school, Uk teachers demand boozing ban: "Quite a few of the parents around here seem to like a tipple in the morning" (thesun.co.uk)	(59)
	What it's like trying to read the health bill: "The governenemt is for responsive of the most happy Dr. of the healthing cost raisings, not the after insrance and hospittle to the surgeryons, as writed to p. 17s." Except worse (cnsnews.com)	(53)
	The only existing footage of Anne Frank just released (guardian.co.uk)	(153)
(Some ewe-farker)	Scotsmen everywhere adjust their kilts as world celbrates 'Farm Animal Day' (wfad.org)	(49)
(Westword)	Man wanted for showing off his dewey decimal in the library (blogs.westword.com)	(32)
	When the urge for sex is so strong it doesn't matter that you are in the back of a police car on the way to jail for public drunkeness. Just do it (myfoxdfw.com)	(44)

Fri October 02, 2009

	5 year-old Texas boy kills 12 1/2 foot, 800 lb alligator with his junior-sized shotgun. W/pic (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(156)
	If you believe that, I have the Ritz to sell you (news.bbc.co.uk)	(32)
	Well, this explains the past few years of their so-called "news" reporting: Fox tests positive for rabies (pennlive.com)	(70)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop what this guy is all excited about (rit.edu)	(41)
	The evolution of a white crackhead, courtesy of this week's TSG mugshot roundup (thesmokinggun.com)	(297)
	Now the police can just take your stuff. And then when you sue them, they can sell your stuff to pay for their defense. It's not larceny: it's Texas (reason.com)	(163)
	RIP Farker Geekygimp :( (fark.com)	(343)
	Lost dog gathers clues to find lost family, sits back in thinking chair, thinks, thinks, thinks (cbsnews.com)	(86)
	I'm sending out a D-O-A, I'm sending out a D-O-A, I'm sending out a D-O-A (foxnews.com)	(30)
	Fruit truck overturns in New Jersey. Traffic jams (nj.com)	(58)
	Arnold Schwarzenegger refuses to give Roman Polanski a "get out of jail free" card. Hasta la vista, pardon (upi.com)	(567)
	Masturbation epidemic explodes all over Syria (blog.newsweek.com)	(266)
	2016 Olympic mascot to be full breasted with many feathers (espn.go.com)	(265)
	Hey, if you don't have anything going on this weekend the State of Alabama would like to invite you to kill some snails. Bring the kids (blog.al.com)	(116)
(InYork.com)	140-pound Pennsylvania woman tackles 160-pound burglar, is immediately signed by the Steelers to shore up their defensive line (inyork.com)	(52)
	Nobody move, or I'll shoot this iPhone (gizmodo.com)	(133)
	"I don't have nothing," said the man right before cocaine shot out of his backside (tcpalm.com)	(85)
(Some Superhero)	Superhero Smackdown Week 8. Kitty Pryde vs Deadpool. Begin (thecorrectness.com)	(269)
	Gay men still can't marry in Texas, but it's sure as heck all right if they want a divorce (google.com)	(344)
	Blind lawyer claims prostitute took him for 8 grand. She saw him coming (philly.com)	(48)
	Like father, like son. And to think all you got from your dad was a genetic tendency for alcoholism and this uncomfortable hunk of metal (cnn.com)	(85)
(Some Guy)	Principal scandal/sex tape requires requires "a closer look at the evidence" (wsbtv.com)	(64)
	Chicago eliminated from 2016 Olympic bid (espn.go.com)	(lots)
	After receiving report of confrontation between 5' tall, 71-year old woman and 6' tall, 17-year old hoodlum, police spring into action, speed to scene and arrest the grandmother (thesun.co.uk)	(85)
	♫ ♪ Once a dumbass tourist swam in a billabong, under the shade of the coolibah tree. And he screamed as he swam and realised the crocs were there ♫ ♪ (news.com.au)	(38)
	Photoshop this aged knocker (flickr.com)	(46)
	And now, the understatement of the year about the employee who was shot for using his boss' private bathroom: "It seems he underestimated the strength of his employer's feelings on the matter of which toilet he should use" (thesun.co.uk)	(53)
	Monty Python fan tells judge to "get on with it" during his sentencing. It turns out that the judge is not fond of British comedy (mcall.com)	(97)
	Your school system is failing and students are fleeing the district which is costing you precious state funding. Do you: C) bribe kids to come on count day with free food, TVs, iPods and computers? (freep.com)	(131)
	Much like American progressives, Muslims need to get a sense of humor, says Danish caricaturist whose Muhammed cartoons caused Muslims worldwide to lose it (foxnews.com)	(212)
	Drunk and running from police at 3:AM is no way to go through the fifth grade, son (foxnews.com)	(36)
	The recession is taking a bigger toll on singles, mainly because married couples are already used to despair, hopelessness, and throwing all their money down a snotty, crying drain (usatoday.com)	(278)
	Kraft opens new Vegemite naming competition after the name "iSnack 2.0" is received as favorably as... um... well... a Vegemite sandwich (theaustralian.news.com.au)	(94)
	Wall-mounted alarm clock ensures that you'll do hundreds of dollars in structural damage to your home in a haphazard scramble for the snooze button (gizmodo.com)	(46)
	Another chance for farkers to shine: TSG pin the crime on the mugshot fun (thesmokinggun.com)	(66)
	Two arrested for smuggling cocaine in 33 sandwiches, might receive reduced sentences for not using Miracle Whip (news.com.au)	(67)
	In a surprise to every client who has been farked by a lawyer screwing up their case due to incompentence, Justice Scalia says America is wasting too many of its brightest minds on lawyering (blogs.wsj.com)	(180)
	Another day, another angry woman who throws a table leg through a window when her boyfriend won't buy her more Natural Ice beer (w/ upsetting mugshot) (tcpalm.com)	(115)
	A sure sign of the impending season, the deer are already wearing Christmas lights (helenair.com)	(23)
	BUS STOR (thesun.co.uk)	(101)
(Columbia Tribune)	Missouri attorney general urges state Supreme Court to ban possession of guns while drunk. Darwin inconsolable (columbiatribune.com)	(78)
	Sleepy country town of Aberdeen losing fight against rabbit invasion. In related news, rentals of "Night of the Lepus" are at an all-time low in Aberdeen (news.com.au)	(47)
	Lucas Walters took an ax / and gave his neighbor 40 whacks / Stole his TV then the nut / dumped the body in Connecticut (thebostonchannel.com)	(26)
	When the police won't let you use their restroom, peeing on their building isn't the appropriate response (wtop.com)	(43)
	The ability to repair a car is insignificant compared with the power of the Force (lep.co.uk)	(51)
(Some Guy)	Music teacher busted for showing off his skin flute (w/ yep I did it pic) (ocregister.com)	(86)
(Some Maverick)	"Rifle and pistol-packing pilots of dirigibles, balloons, gliders, flying trikes, gyroplanes and powered parachutes can... get an Idaho Sheep Commission-issued permit to shoot varmints from the heavens." (idahostatesman.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)	While hiding in a refrigerator may save you from an atomic blast, it isn't going to hide you from the cops (redding.com)	(41)
	Headline: "abortion support falls sharply." Article: "Given the survey's margin of error, [it's] statistically tied." It's not news, it's misinterpretation of statistical data (cnn.com)	(451)
	Photoshop theme: Web pages of the 1800's (en.wikipedia.org)	(73)
(In My Fishtank)	The Time Cube guy has some serious competition (sawconcepts.com)	(109)
	RT: @NAN-E_ST8: Court Orderz now can be served via twitter (news.bbc.co.uk)	(14)
	McDepressing (ideas.blogs.nytimes.com)	(218)
(Some Cornhusker)	Good news: Free beer. Bad news: It's Budweiser. Worse news: It's in Nebraska (northplattebulletin.com)	(39)
(Pilot Online)	Wright Brothers' plane crashes. This is not a repeat from 1905 (hamptonroads.com)	(49)
	And the IgNobel prize goes to Elena Bodnar, who designed and patented a bra that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, one for the brassiere wearer and one to be given to some needy bystander (news.com.au)	(64)

Thu October 01, 2009

(OC Register)	L.A. deputy gets 6 months home confinement for DUI. Deputy Moran (ocregister.com)	(51)
	Letterman 's Top Ten List of "Female Employees I Have Farked Before I Was Extorted" (huffingtonpost.com)	(383)
(Humboldt Times Standard)	Lame: You're on parole, driving on a suspended license and a cop pulls up next to you and smells the 100 lbs of pot in your car. Lamest: The driveway you pull in to avoid him belongs to his friend. Lamer: Your last name (times-standard.com)	(50)
(Columbus Dispatch)	Zombies attacking on the University of Florida campus? Yea, there's an emergency plan for that (columbusdispatch.com)	(171)
	Hunter season. Duck season. Hunter season. Duck season (bangordailynews.com)	(58)
	David Copperfield tries to make sex suit disappear. TSG is there (thesmokinggun.com)	(110)
	It's so hard to tell the difference between a lawyer and a criminal they let the wrong one go (foxnews.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)	"Venus Smile Celebrates National Breast Cancer Awareness Month With Free Teeth Whitening." Britain responds by celebrating Dental Care Month with free breast enlargements (prnewswire.com)	(37)
	So did the forks shoot anyone, or did someone stab the shooters, or what? And don't even ask who got arrested (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(36)
	Real estate company sues Steve McNair's widow for back rent on mistress' apartment (tennessean.com)	(98)
	Iron Photoshop ingredient : the humble penny (images.google.com)	(63)
(ocala.com)	It may look like a sinkhole to you, but down in Florida, they call it a "Stormwater Control System" (ocala.com)	(28)
	Yeah your grandmother is cool and all, but can she fend off a bear with a decorative pillow? (wesh.com)	(71)
(Some Guy)	Texas governor Rick Perry's cousin killed in shootout with sheriff's deputies (wfaa.com)	(173)
	County suspends publicly funded employee training program that paid tuition for classes like 'Hot Yoga' and 'The Christian Home', which coincidentally, can be taken in the same semester with consent of your professor (myfoxdc.com)	(30)
	Bank robbery foiled by bad penmanship, lack of gub (seattlepi.com)	(35)
	"Hey, U.S.: Are firms rehiring or are you just happy to see me?" (usatoday.com)	(174)
(The London Free Press)	All good things must come to an end, even for mask-wearing, underwear-clad serial public masturbator (lfpress.ca)	(81)
	Much like their football team, Detroit's dead can't even afford to get buried with dignity (money.cnn.com)	(156)
	"Not a penis cake" (suntimes.com)	(221)
(Edmonton Sun)	Canadian authorities are trying to track down Mole Man, who is currently terrorizing a Calgary neighbourhood (edmontonsun.com)	(58)
(Venice Florida dot com)	That cop who was fired after arresting his supervisor's nephew? Turns out his reports were being deleted -- by the folks investigating and accusing him of deleting his reports (venfl.com)	(107)
(Legislative Gazette)	Twelve debt collectors arrested for attempting to collect debts that don't exist, impersonating police officers, and threatening alleged debtors. Bonus: Owner of the company is a convicted felon (legislativegazette.com)	(209)
	The most banned library book in the USA is about a homosexual penguin family. Thank goodness there aren't more important things to worry about like war, torture, prison without trial and suchlike (news.bbc.co.uk)	(402)
	Happy 60th birthday Red China. Hope your next 60 years is even better. Love, The rest of the World (cbc.ca)	(476)
	Washington Post's editors berate Polanski's defenders, like Whoopi Goldberg, Martin Scorcese and the Washington Post (salon.com)	(519)
(World Vegetarian Day)	Today is "World Vegetarian Day." Celebrate it with your vegetarian friends, if they have the energy (worldvegetarianday.org)	(693)
	Llamas to bllame for probllems which brought Dubllin Irelland highway to a standstillll (cnews.canoe.ca)	(66)
	Man encloses his brother's cremated ashes in a ... sparcstation? (news.slashdot.org)	(56)
	Photoshop this solar power tower (online.wsj.com)	(50)
	Man tries to rob armored car, forgets that sometimes armored car drivers are armed (miamiherald.com)	(75)
	Coming soon to a Borders near you, free Wi-Fi. Well, great, that's what we need more of in our bookstores: cheap hippies with laptops drinking coffee and discussing the importance of Keroauc. Goddammit so much (consumerist.com)	(306)
	German answer to terrorism: Al Qaeda, come have a beer (google.com)	(114)
	Domino's uses an food astrologer to determine what sandwich you should go somewhere else to order (newsblaze.com)	(68)
(Some Iowan)	Police arrest woman for failing to return videocasettes of U-Turn, Devil's Advocate and Bio Hunter she rented over eleven years ago. Will be charged with fourth-degree theft and second-degree bad taste (press-citizen.com)	(101)
	"Dearly depraved, we are gathered here in the Wal-Mart Garden Center to join Crystal and Vick in holy matrimony. You may now punch the bride." (omaha.com)	(75)
	Samoans discover that the early warning tsunami system works very well and can even be heard underwater (washingtontimes.com)	(55)
(Ithaca Journal)	Ever wanted to grab a hammer and climb a 330 foot tall church spire? (theithacajournal.com)	(39)
	Alcohol based hand sanitizers lock out bus ignition. Drivers amazed it wasn't the fumes from that guy in the back (thelocal.se)	(21)
	It's not every day you come home to find some strange police officer passed-out drunk in your bed (washingtonpost.com)	(34)
	Bill Clinton to receive honorary doctorate from McGill, lifetime supply of poutine, a stripper of his choice and one free drink at The Village (good Monday to Thursday, 4-6 pm) (torontosun.com)	(99)
(Inside Bay Area)	Holding up your cell phone and yelling "I am going to press this and blow up the plane" will not convince the ticket agent to change your flight (insidebayarea.com)	(39)
(Florida Today)	Shuttle Atlantis can't launch over New Year's holiday because the shuttle's computers can't handle the year-end rollover. I'm guessing their computers are the 1954 RAND models we're all familar with (floridatoday.com)	(159)
(Some Guy)	Murder trial hears that man couldn't have stabbed himself as defence claims because his blood alcohol level of .418 meant he was legally dead before anything else happened (dailygleaner.canadaeast.com)	(34)
	Jennifer / Will you marry me / Just kidding / i'm breaking up with you / Burma Shave (telegraph.co.uk)	(140)
	WMDs found outside 15 US schools. Invasion imminent (usatoday.com)	(78)
(Joe Friday)	The 60th time you pawn power tools, someone just might question where you got them (koinlocal6.com)	(23)
	Ugly-ass baby pygmy hippo born at Rotterdam Zoo in Netherlands, promptly begins posing for om nom nom macros (dailymail.co.uk)	(96)
	Kids who ate too many sweets turn into violent adults. CORNHOLIO (msnbc.msn.com)	(84)
(Pharyngula)	Bill Maher to receive award for contributions to atheism and science. The fact that he's not an atheist and is an unscientific pro-alt med loon apparently not an issue (scienceblogs.com)	(513)
	Photoshop this schnook in a Chinook (online.wsj.com)	(52)
	Senior citizens to get discounts at brothels to celebrate Seniors Week. Next week's followup: Sudden spike in heart attacks and strokes among men aged over 60 (news.com.au)	(24)
	The most amazing pictures of Afghanistan you will see..... well ever. Bonus: not a slideshow (boston.com)	(219)
(Some Guy)	Cause nothing say's "clean and sanitary" like a couple of kids wrapped in cellophane. Interesting tab beats out WTF (divinecaroline.com)	(49)
	Apparently, McDonalds is run by the Hamburgler (consumerist.com)	(129)
	Chapter 4: "Life affords few pleasures that can equal the striking of vulnerable areas" (awfullibrarybooks.wordpress.com)	(16)
(The Pulse)	How do you know you live in a small town? When the "growing controversy" in the news that is driving talk radio debate is about a mattress left on the side of the road. (w/pic) (chattanoogapulse.com)	(67)
(Between Showers)	And now, for no particular reason, here's a lot of plastic bottles (betweenshowers.com)	(43)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 230: "Show Your Colors". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(189)

Wed September 30, 2009

	"I'm not a hero. I just did what you're supposed to do." Too bad, you are getting the tag anyways (foxnews.com)	(158)
(Some Guy)	1100 Pills of E? Check. 32 grams of coke? Check. Xanax, marijuana and crack? Check. Zero prison time because it was the judge's son? Check (alcourtwatch.blogspot.com)	(172)
(Some Guy)	Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when you hit a Cops TV crew? (kptv.com)	(65)
	Photoshop these cliff divers (cache.boston.com)	(44)
	Welcome to our pool. Notice there is no feces-covered man in it. Let's keep it that way (m.apnews.com)	(84)
	Bear on bear violence skyrockets in Germany (miamiherald.com)	(77)
	Penske and GM collide, spin Saturn into oblivion. Thousands of jobs, corner pocket (bloomberg.com)	(247)
	Cancer does what Florida didn't get around to doing (www2.tbo.com)	(200)
	Once, again, lucky mayor "wins" 50K jackpot at friend's electronic bingo hall (blog.al.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Ontario ban on one-handed typing about to take effect. Relax Farkers, it only applies while driving (wheels.ca)	(56)
(Some Guy)	That bag you're stealing from the lady with the baby probably only has dirty diapers in it (kjrh.com)	(46)
(KTLA)	Scooby-Doo Actor Loses Thumb to Table Saw. Zoinks (ktla.com)	(159)
(Lehigh Valley Live)	Man could serve two years in prison for simulating sex act on a gumball machine. Tom Servo demands a harsher punishment (lehighvalleylive.com)	(185)
(Florida Today)	Through the park, over the bushes, into the fence, just missing the alligator-filled retention pond, crashing into the house. Nothing but net (floridatoday.com)	(23)
	UN declares the Tango part of the Cultural Heritage of Humanity. However, the Lambada is still FORBIDDEN (news.bbc.co.uk)	(54)
	The best origami praying mantis you will ever see. Yes, ever (dailymail.co.uk)	(108)
	Life ain't easy for a boy named "Q" (thelocal.se)	(157)
	"I'm known on the Harvard campus as 'that abstinence girl'" (bostonherald.com)	(766)
(Some Guy)	Pranksters put giant testicles on soccer field. "To be shafted like this is a bitter pill to swallow," says manager (thewestonmercury.co.uk)	(71)
	Recreate a classic painting. Difficulty: Using only Microsoft Paint (images.google.com)	(231)
	A community of Chinese dwarfs was tired of being discriminated against. So they started their own village of mushroom houses and took to living and dressing like fairy tale characters. That should help end the discrimination stuff right away (myfoxdc.com)	(119)
(EWWwww)	Rarely do we see a trifecta of Sexting, Incest, and Donkey Porn. Rarely. But it does happen (wptz.com)	(122)
	Father and son busted for stealing elevator parts. "OK. You got me. We were stealing elevator parts." (nwfdailynews.com)	(54)
	Don't be a menace to south central while texting and driving and drinking your juice says LaHood (philly.com)	(97)
	Badger badger badger badger badg (independent.co.uk)	(130)
	University of Arizona decriminalizes hopscotch (azcentral.com)	(71)
	When driving to court for your drug hearing, try not to drive on the berm at 80mph. Also leave your meth at home (oregonlive.com)	(41)
(Some Guy)	After fighting with her husband, woman fries up his pet fish and eats them. Except for the green ones. They're not ripe yet (content.usatoday.net)	(132)
	Best British cheeses of 2009 named. Don't go asking for any of them in your local cheese shop - in fact, you'll find it was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place (timesonline.co.uk)	(144)
	Gang members attack the school fete and shoot the local magistrate on stage. Does everybody a) run for their lives, b) call the cops, or c) shoot back leaving three dead and a severed head hanging from the powerlines? (abc.net.au)	(224)
(Independent)	Farmer's daughter defends her home against terrorist. She hits him with an axe, shoots him dead with his own gun. It's like an updated version of Little House on the Prairie (independent.ie)	(223)
	Across the land, thousands of children are playing on Michael Jackson's Zipper (latimes.com)	(59)
(Some Guy)	"It appears as though the worst of the recession is behind us," predicts Jabil Circuit Inc. after losing $1.17 billion, having a 90 percent drop in profits and increasing the number of layoffs to 4,500 people (tampabay.bizjournals.com)	(55)
	"The company said the advert featured 'no nudity, innuendo, wounds or scenes of excessive perversion'." And really, how else do you market floor tiles? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(60)
	"This is believed to be the first time that a civilian has been killed by a box of public information leaflets" (timesonline.co.uk)	(119)
	7.9 eathquake hits Indonesia. Tsunami alert issued for Indonesia, Malaysia, India and Thailand. This is not a repeat from yesterday (google.com)	(147)
	Estate agents advertise "exceptional" property set in a half acre of English nature reserve, but strangely fail to mention the neighbours. The heat of a thousand suns is there (thesun.co.uk)	(117)
	Michael Moore criticizes and offends Republicans, Democrats, President Obama, RC Cola, sight-seeing tours, water fountains, the month of July, playgrounds, dancing babies and says he wants to give up ambush style films and make action comedies (myfoxdc.com)	(258)
	Woman finds true love: "He is good looking and I loved his big hands... Like my mom used to say, you can love someone but you don't have to like them." Difficulty: she's married and the other man is Richard Ramirez (sfgate.com)	(112)
	Sarasota man, tired of people messin' with his bushes, puts razor blades in them. "I did it because they were stripping my shrubs. I wanted to hear a squeal or something from who was doing it." (wtsp.com)	(125)
	Hand sanitizer flammability test, part 1: Burning down the school (thelocal.se)	(34)
	Photoshop these oversized Smurfs (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(27)
(ABC 7 Los Angeles)	"I just couldn't believe it," he said. "You open up the chicken coop and sitting inside the nest with five other eggs is just this behemoth." (abclocal.go.com)	(113)
	Ohio state troopers sieze 31 lbs of BC bud. This high potency marijuana contains 175% THC and has a street value of Funyuns (wkyc.com)	(160)
	Your panhandling permit, please? (wral.com)	(149)
	Tsunami advisory issued for Oregon and California coasts. Officials fear that the expected 12-26 inch tsunami could devastate any coastal communities settled by Barbies or LEGO men (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(72)
	Woman looking for gold coins uses what appears to be a kid's menu from Chili's as a map (wbbm780.com)	(53)
	Walgreens will bring liquor back to their stores within the next year (chicagotribune.com)	(92)
	₱ro₱€r ₮iming i$ ₮h€ ₭€¥ ₮o $u¢¢€$$ (abcnews.go.com)	(125)
(okcupid)	A rational review of race, religion and likeability; comments will discuss this briefly before degenerating into rants on penis length, girth and whether it is the model or method which matters most (blog.okcupid.com)	(131)
	Gone are the days of baby Michael, Justin, Jason and Jordan. Here are the days of baby Aiden, Jayden, Kaiden and Bayden (vancouversun.com)	(539)

Tue September 29, 2009

	Would-be convenience store robber allows an old lady employee to reprimand him to the point that he leaves empty-handed and then turns himself into the police (japantoday.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)	Akron police unable to locate 300-pound robber who's looted a KFC, two Church's Chickens, among others. Inexplicably, they haven't staked out Popeye's yet (clevescene.com)	(89)
(Some Guy)	Cheerleaders protest after they're told they can't hang banners with religious quotes at a high school football game. "If it's offensive to anyone, let them go watch another football game" (timesfreepress.com)	(649)
(Some Jilted Guy)	While people routinely get screwed during their divorce, rarely is the rogering so complete that the judge feels compelled to masturbate during the proceedings (courthousenews.com)	(94)
(Some Guy)	Coolest Lego Monsters Ever (nonch.com)	(119)
	Cleveland thinks it's F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S that they're hosting the 2014 Gay Games (wtam.com)	(188)
	Judge orders burglar to pay for wages lost by the victim because he attended every court proceeding (sfgate.com)	(122)
(Some Mad Matryoshka)	Theme: When souvenirs go bad (LGT example) (14.media.tumblr.com)	(53)
	One of the eternal questions of life: What sort of man wears mantyhose? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(124)
	"Sexual surrogate" insists paying for sex isn't prostitution if it's done in a healing, therapeutic environment. In related news, submitter's going to go buy a lab coat and stethoscope and do some cruising (thesun.co.uk)	(144)
(Some Guy)	Copious amounts of grass will prevent dust clouds and coughing at this year's Austin City Limits Festival (news8austin.com)	(51)
	500-carat diamond found at S. African mine. Only 437 children died mining it (msnbc.msn.com)	(289)
	"A man put on a motorcycle helmet before attacking his neighbour with a samurai-type sword." Because nothing evokes the discipline, concentration, and skill of an ancient warrior like wearing a helmet (news.bbc.co.uk)	(111)
(Some Guy)	A look at 50 amazingly effective billboards. Subby's no expert, but the seventh one down looks dangerous (10steps.sg)	(160)
	What the planets might look like when they align in 2012 just before the end of the world (myfoxdc.com)	(355)
(TVNZ)	Tsunami warning issued for New Zealand and Hawaii after 7.9-magnitude quake strikes near Samoa. Tsurf's up (tvnz.co.nz)	(386)
	Study shows parents lie to kids all the time. Spoiler alert: article discusses your drawing skills, your place in the universe, and whether or not the police are coming to make you stop crying (msnbc.msn.com)	(196)
	You get into a traffic accident. Do you a) call 911? b) exchange insurance info with the other driver? c) hit the other driver with a 9-iron and demand to see her green card? (orlandosentinel.com)	(181)
	Peeping tom's lawyer sends threatening letter to victims saying his constitutional rights to privacy are being infringed by the security camera they installed (cnews.canoe.ca)	(136)
	Paterson, New Jersey - come for the pungent aroma of industrial effluvient, stay for the running of the bull (telegraph.co.uk)	(34)
	Wisconsin Tourist Federation changes its name. WTF? (telegraph.co.uk)	(78)
	Obama's popularity must be dropping because we are selling fewer Obama Bobbleheads (myfoxdc.com)	(163)
	Photoshop this orange overcast (spiegel.de)	(53)
(Some Guy)	What do slugs, foreign coins, fast-food wrappers, used condoms and a shark head have in common? (mycentraljersey.com)	(131)
	German men are "world's worst lovers" because they have B.O., with English men in second place because they are too lazy in bed. Americans ranked 5th due to being confused with the Dutch (telegraph.co.uk)	(390)
(PIX News)	Teen accidentally blows off hand while making bombs in his parents' basement (wpix.com)	(206)
(Some Guy)	Submitter remembers the good old days when textbooks were sold back for beer money at the end of the semester. Now you might sell them back for drug-fueled weekend in New York City, Madrid (thelantern.com)	(86)
	The coolest picture of a hitchhiking bird you'll see this morning (metro.co.uk)	(89)
	If you're going to try armed robbery, you might consider setting your goals higher than a hot dog (thebostonchannel.com)	(15)
	Falling asleep on the job: Bad if you're an office worker, worse if you're a burglar (metro.co.uk)	(16)
	Playboy model and talk radio host have their profiles reinstated on Facebook. "It was horrible, absolutely horrible," he said, describing his four days as a Facebook exile. "I just felt so out of touch with everybody I know." (cnews.canoe.ca)	(87)
	German penile enhancement strikes American penile enhancement, kills owner (mercurynews.com)	(51)
	Indonesian filmmakers rebuff local Muslim leaders, declare they will stick to their plans to import top Japanese porn star to act in local comedy (news.yahoo.com)	(130)
(Fosters.com)	Man ordering pizza supplies his own sausage and meatballs (fosters.com)	(41)
	RV sales are up, which means even more elderly people who've never driven anything bigger than a Hyundai are trying to merge a rig-length tank into your lane (usatoday.com)	(129)
	The short of it: some atheist is offended by a cross in the middle of the desert, so Arlington National Cemetary may have to lose the Argonne Cross (washingtonpost.com)	(786)
	For a more efficient service, please alight at the next stop where a team of heavily drugged sloths will drag you to your destination (telegraph.co.uk)	(34)
	Very rich Ho has been charged with unlawful confinement of a sex-trade worker, strong Pimp hand (thestar.com)	(39)
	Swedish elite military unit with long history of intelligence demonstrates it by blowing up wrong house (thelocal.se)	(37)
	Investigation shows police officers are accessing fund intended for victims of violent crime, with one officer getting $10k because he can no longer enjoy gardening, visiting flea markets and collecting carnival glass (thestar.com)	(45)
	Facebook yanks Obama assassination poll. Mafia Wars surrenders (wtsp.com)	(212)
	Photoshop theme: lessons in futility (fark.com)	(49)
	If you are going to have a snack attack when being pulled over at least wipe the marijuana from your mouth before the officer gets to the car (startribune.com)	(11)
	Cute vegetarian being kept alive by a pig's heart (thesun.co.uk)	(339)
	If you've been paid to remove a roof try to get the right house (upi.com)	(51)
	Porn habits of National Science Foundation exec cost taxpayers nearly $60,000 in Kleenex last year (foxnews.com)	(111)
	If you can't walk to any of the four corners of the block you are on but still need your Starbucks, then don't worry: Starbucks has started selling "instant crap in a cup" nationwide (google.com)	(118)
	Bad: Sinkhole opens in middle of street and is blocked off. Worse: Someone removed the construction barrels and a guy drove into it. Fark: Someone got into the hole, vandalized the car, and stole the radio (ajc.com)	(51)
(Some Guy)	Bankrupt city police outsource report writing. What could possibly go wrong? (nbcbayarea.com)	(46)
	By a ratio of nearly two-to-one, survey respondents say they would prefer a job that offers better security over one that offers higher pay but less stability. Of course, the vast majority of us have neither (news.yahoo.com)	(113)
	Capt. Chesley Sullenberger reports for duty. Good to have you back, Sully (finance.yahoo.com)	(98)
	New "give heroin to heroin addicts" style of treatment is working in Britain. The only way it would work in the U.S. is if....oh who am I kidding. Praise Jesus (time.com)	(256)

Mon September 28, 2009

(The Frisky)	Corset never occured to anyone that it might be good to hire a security garter after stocking a truck with $400,000 worth of lingerie (thefrisky.com)	(127)
	I like my Turkish motorways the way I like my women: covered in bees (timesonline.co.uk)	(56)
(cctv.com)	Coolest picture of a tiger in a zoo you've seen all day (english.cctv.com)	(96)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these fleeing shrubbery (markshannon.com)	(313)
	Ghost team spends night in 'haunted' theater; recorders catch static, batteries die -- yep, it's haunted, alright (tcpalm.com)	(395)
(Eliminate Homeland Security)	2004: Shoe Bomber. TSA: "Remove your shoes, Citizen." 2006: Liquid Bomber. TSA: "No water for you, Citizen." 2009: Body-cavity Bomber. TSA: "Bend over, Citizen" (schneier.com)	(262)
	Having never been to Fark, the EPA had no idea aging caulk in schools was a problem (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(91)
	Pretty women can be hard to be friends with, says woman with great personality and three cats (rss.cnn.com)	(616)
(Some Guy)	City tells BBQ restaurant its smoker is an illegal sign and has to go. "They've been trying to run us out of business here for five years. They have nothing better to do, I guess, than to harass local businesses." (eveningsun.com)	(229)
	Iran test fires missiles they can Photoshop all the way to Israel (latimes.com)	(162)
	UK to ban ownership of air guns. Pointed sticks and bananas presumably next (telegraph.co.uk)	(297)
	It's ugly, smelly, and kills dogs. Good thing you didn't step in it (wbbm780.com)	(72)
	Doctor gets a PhD in waxing. "Your pubes are in safe hands" (nzherald.co.nz)	(153)
(Some Guy)	"Zimbabwean Plunges to Death to Save Tourist." Experts note that plunging to death is even worse than flushing to death (en.afrik.com)	(72)
	92-year-old woman celebrates birthday by skydiving. Or, so they tell her (clickorlando.com)	(28)
(KITV Honolulu)	Walking your dog is now a criminal offense (kitv.com)	(194)
(Drew)	Drew discovers a new and previously unknown version of the Seasonal Article that you might have never noticed. Also, Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/20 to 9/26 (fark.com)	(36)
(KSAT)	School swimming facility flag from the 1890's suddenly appears. Arthur Dent unavailable for comment (ksat.com)	(99)
	Suspect in football stabbing was wearing a B.C. Lions jersey, so that narrows it down to 12 suspects (cbc.ca)	(32)
	Worst Asian export since swine flu: Stink bugs are swarming the nation's screen doors like nerds gathering for the Iron Man sequel (pennlive.com)	(93)
	A 60 Minutes - Vanity Fair poll shows that Walmart best symbolizes America. With a pic of what George Clooney might look like (news.yahoo.com)	(180)
	The cutest picture of a frog glowing after swallowing a Christmas light bulb you will see...maybe ever (dailymail.co.uk)	(60)
	The U.S. Navy is considering letting women serve on submarines. Presumably sandwiches (news.yahoo.com)	(923)
(Post-Bulletin)	Man arrested after getting into a fight with a statue of a goose and punching it in the head. Alcohol may have been a factor (news.postbulletin.com)	(45)
(Some Fisherman)	Photoshop these spiny remains (upload.wikimedia.org)	(37)
(Some Guy)	Tourists are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives (wptz.com)	(111)
	State of Georgia offers convicted sex offenders free housing, telling them to go live in the woods (newsmax.com)	(135)
	If two guys tell you they can double your money by soaking it in special chemicals while you aren't watching, maybe they're up to something not entirely honest (news.com.au)	(74)
	Italians discover the joys of binge drinking: "We have not yet reached levels seen in the UK but in five years we'll be there. We are not that far off" (uk.reuters.com)	(61)
	Good news: Saturday Night Live has decided not to fire its newest cast member for giving their show more free publicity than they ever dreamed was possible (radaronline.com)	(285)
(This is London)	"If I'm guilty of anything it's of impersonating a stripper, not a police officer" (thisislondon.co.uk)	(47)
(Some Guy)	Convicted terrorist hopes to stoop even lower, become a lawyer (thestar.ca)	(32)
	Bizarro, Nacho Libre to form Legion of Doom South (foxnews.com)	(48)
	He starts arguing with you about beer and cigarettes, you start dragging him into a wooded area and set his face on fire. THAT'S the Daytona Beach way (wftv.com)	(38)
(Athens Banner-Herald)	Woman reports theft of 20 Fruit Roll-Ups (onlineathens.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)	Man banned from driving after converting a beer crate into a one-cylinder ATV and attempting to outrun cops on it. "It wasn't legal so we had to confiscate it but it looked like a lot of fun," police allow (pic) (austriantimes.at)	(47)
	DNA casts new light on why Hitler was such a biatch (news.com.au)	(115)
(Some Guy)	Caption this odd meeting (cryptome.org)	(65)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this platform (af.mil)	(21)
(Some Guy)	Pastor decides to come out of the closet and tell everyone he wasn't always a man, baby (katu.com)	(70)
	G20 world leader to Obama: "We don't understand it. You're trying to make sure everybody has health care and they're putting a Hitler mustache on you -- I don't -- that doesn't make sense to me. Explain that to me." (blogs.abcnews.com)	(1323)
	"Four cameras in four different locations going blank at basically the same time on the morning of April 19, 1995. There ain't no such thing as a coincidence." Interesting tag wrapped in tinfoil (google.com)	(418)
	Courtney Love on meeting Hugo Chavez: "He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas" (contactmusic.com)	(133)
	President Bush denied JK Rowling Medal of Freedom because her books promoted witchcraft; reading books right side up (thinkprogress.org)	(670)