Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-09-13

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Sun September 13, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(Ann)		They live in Wyoming and tried to poach an elk. In Teton Park. With a bow and arrow. Meth may be a factor (billingsgazette.com)	(111)
		Bad: sepsis and gangrene. Worse: quadruple amputation. Fark: then someone steals your prosthetic limbs (nydailynews.com)	(88)
		Venezuela gets $2.2B line of credit to buy weapons because they think US will invade them. Let's see: country with brown people? check. Has oil or other assets we could exploit? check. Maybe he has a point (news.yahoo.com)	(284)
(Some Guy)		Pennsylvania game commission deadlocked on whether to allow hunters to use crossbows. The issue is causing all kinds of quarrels (dailyitem.com)	(110)
		H1N1 v2.0 released (chicagotribune.com)	(96)
		"I would imagine that a lot of people would be wary of having their blood drawn by an officer on the hood of their police vehicle" (news.yahoo.com)	(413)
(Some Sailor)		Photoshop this bird in the hand (steeljawscribe.com)	(50)
(Daily Bulletin)		California police think Deutsch douchebags picked a bad week to fake a terrorist attack on the U.S., while CNN points & laughs (dailybulletin.com)	(51)
(Delmarva Now)		B A N N E R P L A N E C R A S H E S l N D E W E Y B E A C H D E L A W A R E (delmarvanow.com)	(67)
(Lawrence Wilkerson)		"People are canceling their newspaper subscriptions every day. They want news." (fff.org)	(109)
		Arr mateys, landlocked Colorado has its own pirate fleet (denverpost.com)	(70)
(Some Dumb Husker)		Nebraska education at its finest: "Students, parents adapt to traffic concerns near Schoo" (journalstar.com)	(67)
		17-year old says hairspray activated her alcohol monitoring bracelet (nwfdailynews.com)	(137)
		Facebook is reuniting former lovers, stalkers (time.com)	(175)
		Nanny State posts security guards at public ponds to prevent children from sailing toy boats "because it may frighten the fish" (dailymail.co.uk)	(148)
		And it begins. U.S. to launch a missile strike on the moon next month. Unexplained monoliths have no comment yet (latimes.com)	(100)
(Some Guy)		Playground set ablaze, no one see/saw anything, cops to take a swing at trying to find perp, but will probably let him slide instead of putting him behind monkey bars (kcra.com)	(35)
(Some Death Panel)		Hospital hiring "Medical Denials Specialist" to assist with insurance billing issues. Good benefits, room for growth (directemployers.jobcentral.com)	(139)
		97 year old bartender plans on serving patrons until they close the place down. Now get off his lawn (suntimes.com)	(31)
(Fosters.com)		Officials are warning people, be very careful about that free couch or mattress you pick up from the side of the road. It may have bedbugs. EVERYBODY... scratch, scratch ...PANIC (fosters.com)	(93)
		Five facts about Woodstock the hippies don't want you to know (cracked.com)	(130)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this puffer fish (astrosurf.com)	(32)
		Beautiful women using ATMs to rob drunken men after fondling the men first. Submitter fell for this one 15 times already (nypost.com)	(99)
		Maine bans woman drivers (boston.com)	(120)
		September 13, 1999. A massive nuclear explosion on the far side of the Moon rips it completely out of Earth orbit. The world has never been the same since (youtube.com)	(230)
		Need some new pictures of teabaggers with retarded signs? Well here, have a crapload from this guy's 9/12 flickr photostream. Enjoy (flickr.com)	(748)
		Sometimes you poach the hippo, sometimes the hippo poaches you (news.yahoo.com)	(63)
		The heath care debate has made us lose focus of the truly important summer stories; sharks, missing white females, and germs. Fortunately, Yahoo's got our back (news.yahoo.com)	(13)
		Nobel Prize winner and "World's Greatest Human" Norman Borlaug, who prevented over a billion deaths from hunger, dead at 95 (news.yahoo.com)	(217)
(Some Psychologist)		Actual headline in Psychology Today: "Are Russian women more likely to be whores?" Obviously I need a federal grant to go make a study of this (psychologytoday.com)	(69)
(Some Guy)		"A Sandy Lake Township man will spend 1 to 3 years in prison for trespassing into a woman's barn and having sex with her sheep." Ewwwwe (sharonherald.com)	(51)
		The Chicago Way: Key figure in Rod Blagojevich's federal corruption case just happened to die of an "aspirin overdose" today (foxnews.com)	(144)
(Some Guy)		McDonalds .9 McMillimeter (live5news.com)	(78)
(Tacoma News Tribune)		911 dispatcher gives birth on 9-11 at 9:11 (thenewstribune.com)	(66)
		Customer service rep catches woman committing identity theft when she applied for a credit card...using the rep's identity (myfoxdfw.com)	(27)
		When arguing with someone about whether or not you can take a wheelchair-bound child's spot at a concert, make sure the person you pour beer on isn't the police chief, even if you are a local reporter's son (kansascity.com)	(40)
(Sheboygan Press)		Woman, 97, hung on for dear life on dream come true ride on Harley (with awesome pic) (sheboyganpress.com)	(48)
		2 for 1 special at the DUI counter. Fail tag facepalms (hosted.ap.org)	(10)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this eye exam (af.mil)	(32)
		Bike shop owner fined by council because he doesn't produce any trash (dailymail.co.uk)	(90)
		British government unveils plan to tax cyclists because bicycles are a vehicle using the public road just like any other vehicle. Tag is for the government (news.scotsman.com)	(488)
(Columbia Tribune)		Health board bawks on city ordinance. No ruffled feathers, just don't give a cluck. Hens, the headline (columbiatribune.com)	(52)
		If you fall asleep when you are holding a couple hostage, expect to get bad results (foxnews.com)	(28)

Sat September 12, 2009

	If you're hiding naked in your underage girlfriend's closet, it's probably best if you don't prank call 911 (foxnews.com)	(90)
(Some Guy)	When stealing giant peppers, do not run a 400 foot extension cord (asylum.com)	(57)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this abandoned auto aflame (fecalface.com)	(45)
	Scientists say they can now create the Six Million Dollar Man for about $250,000 (dailymail.co.uk)	(77)
(Some Guy)	Celebrating legalized gay marriage in Vermont, Ben & Jerry's creates new ice cream. Curiously, it does not have twice the nuts (digitaljournal.com)	(134)
	6,783,754,703 or so people attend TEA Party protest in DC (npr.org)	(½)
	I-Mockery's latest photo gallery shows that Circuit City stores may be dead, but some of them have still managed to rise from the grave like zombies in the form of seasonal Halloween shops (i-mockery.com)	(60)
	The natives had a name for them, Jose Greco de Muertos, flamenco dancers of death (news.aol.com)	(25)
	Canadians start campaign to rename Alberta 'Colberta Nation' after realizing that towing Canada's retarded little brother into the middle of the Pacific and scuttling it there would be prohibitively expensive (nationalpost.com)	(92)
(The Argus)	Meet the man so shy he's never been kissed. But that's probably not exclusive news around here (theargus.co.uk)	(391)
	House for sale, Chicago, southside: 6000 sq ft, 8 bedrooms, extra secure neighborhood, at least through 2012 presidential election. Make best offer (wbbm780.com)	(57)
(Some Guy)	50 of 95 living recipients of Medal of Honor gather for convention in Chicago, say anyone can be a hero given the right circumstances and enough alcohol (chicagotribune.com)	(50)
(Some boiling water Guy)	Obama science czar's plan to sterilize population through water supply already happening (infowars.com)	(197)
(Some Guy)	What a trillion dollars looks like (ptm.org)	(148)
	Best crime ever with hot mugshot awesomesess. Why does this never happen to me (eonline.com)	(68)
	Winnie the Pooh arrested on narcotics charges. Again. Christopher Robin sought for questioning (nwfdailynews.com)	(38)
	"When schools hire coaches to teach children how to play, it shows just how much we've destroyed childhood." (boston.com)	(127)
	"Simply because minors are involved, that doesn't mean that they don't have the same rights as adults. And just because it's an offense that involves alcohol, you can't throw out the Constitution." (freep.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)	School bans jelly bracelet because some teacher saw some website that claims by breaking them schoolgirls turn into sluts. "I can't wait until I'm in high school. Then we can wear whatever we want." (dailycamera.com)	(94)
	ahem... EVERYBODY PANIC (cbsnews.com)	(112)
	So why did the blonde never get a traffic ticket? (cbsnews.com)	(157)
	"Super-extreme" stilettos making a comeback: "Some of our customers will go grocery shopping in four-plus inches minimum. They barely know how to walk with a flat" (nationalpost.com)	(137)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this old yeller (s.wsj.net)	(36)
	New reports shows that just over 52% of 12 to 13 year olds own a cell phone. What the...? Why on earth would a 12 year old need a friggen' cell phone? Subby grumbles, goes out to check his lawn for intruders (news.yahoo.com)	(163)
	Look, it's simple: we don't want your disease-ridden infectious idiocy in our glorious country. Got that? Now take the damn needle or get the fark out (upi.com)	(140)
	Smoking pot on federal property is against the law unless you are "one of the best-known figures in the new-media elite" (boston.com)	(98)
	Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack is trying to protect all of us from the mass media's evil and heartless denigration of the great and noble pig. Bacon (upi.com)	(42)
	Passengers on French jet panique after faulty in-flight translation turns 'Please return to your seats" into "The plane - she is going down" (dailymail.co.uk)	(46)
	The next time you use your bank's website to transfer some money, make sure you double check the recipient, lest the world discover how much of a dumbass you are (news.bbc.co.uk)	(64)
	Never trust an obese diet guru (dailymail.co.uk)	(99)
	Realizing the Taliban has a preset martyr limit, Coalition and Afghan forces send wave after wave of their own men and civilians to eliminate 11 insurgents (google.com)	(73)
	Study finds 56% of college students binge drink. The other 44% were too wasted to answer researcher's questions (upi.com)	(78)
	♫ He didn't start the fire/no he didn't light it/but he sure survived it ♫ Smoka the cat trapped under debris for 26 days, got found in time for Caturday (sfgate.com)	(455)
	Andy Warhol sick of soup cans, moves on to milk cartons (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(38)
	Man who was "looking suspicious" stuffs three pounds of bacon down his pants (nwfdailynews.com)	(36)
	10 reason guys don't ask girls out on a second date. "No sex" surprisingly absent from list (cnn.com)	(445)
	Alabama Supreme Court: That is not your, er, A dildo (blog.al.com)	(105)
	Police have released a composite sketch of the burglar-- HOLY HELL, WHAT IS THAT THING? (cbc.ca)	(147)
	Photoshop this cold seat (flickr.com)	(37)
	South Africa threatens to start World War III. Sounds like someone is suffering a testosterone imbalance (abc.net.au)	(140)
	Shrinking Arctic ice has resulted in a shortcut between Asia and Europe. See, Global Warming can do something good (kansascity.com)	(129)
	TSG's weekly mug shot roundup really hits it on the nose (thesmokinggun.com)	(222)

Fri September 11, 2009

	Photoshop these violet vanes (s.wsj.net)	(37)
(Some Guy)	High school band leader directs the chorus teacher in a ménage à trois intermezzo. Add some Craigslist glissando & a police timbre and just listen to the PMITA encore (thecitizen.com)	(71)
(Great Falls Tribune)	If you're going to pummel a gas station clerk and hold scissors to his throat because you're sure you gave him a twenty instead of a dollar bill, make sure the twenty you "gave" him isn't still in your purse (content.usatoday.net)	(81)
	Job-seeking woman steals the identity of a prosecutor in an attempt to blame her three convictions as the result of identity theft (nj.com)	(14)
	Men arrested for putting a porno in a DVD player connected to six televisions at a Wal-Mart (newsok.com)	(159)
	Can a baby animal be so damn cute it can actually trigger a mental sugar rush? Don't say we didn't warn you (wtam.com)	(81)
	Segway inventor Dean Kamen's Slingshot turns raw sewage into clean water. For his next trick, he'll turn it into wine (cnn.com)	(130)
	Upscale NY restaurant no longer accepts cash, only plastic. It matches the decor and the type of people that eat there (online.wsj.com)	(111)
	Suicide is painless, but cancer sucks. Larry Gelbart dead at 81 (cnn.com)	(83)
	Prime murder suspect well done after being grilled by detectives, to be held in coal'd prison with openly flaming cellmate (sfgate.com)	(27)
	Between post-election panic gun-buying and stimulus spending by police, President Obama is the firearm's industry "Salesman of the Year" (csmonitor.com)	(300)
(Spaceflight Now)	Heads up, Cali - the space shuttle is diverting to Edwards AFB - Discovery landing scheduled for 5:53pm PST (spaceflightnow.com)	(514)
(10tv.com)	Members of high school football team make inappropriate gesture in team picture. There's a shocker (10tv.com)	(279)
(Some Guy)	Man didn't shoot the sheriff, but he did try to ram the deputy (thecalifornian.com)	(28)
	The world's oldest person is dead, long live the world's oldest person (msnbc.msn.com)	(153)
	"The Stupid Drink." That one beer too many that transforms a fun night into a black-out morning featuring the delightful stench of a puddle of one's own sick (philly.com)	(214)
(Some Guy)	Tweeting by police on the rise - Im stoping teh crimz lol (govtech.com)	(45)
	Where is Osama bin Laden? (A) in a cave in Pakistan (B) in hiding with Elvis and Salman Rushdie or (C) wearing a striped shirt and hat and standing in plain sight in a crowd near you (edition.cnn.com)	(154)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these sweater sportin aardvarks (img143.imageshack.us)	(41)
	Chinese woman pays $582,000 for "priceless" cuisine, I mean canine (foxnews.com)	(115)
	Canadian Finance Minister channels Towlie after his latest financial predictions were gloriously wrong... "I have no idea what's going on..." (thestar.com)	(129)
(Some Guy)	Remember that laptop you ordered that never showed up? Yeah, your neighbor signed for it, pawned it, then used the money to buy pot (floridatoday.com)	(86)
	Tiananmen Hair (metro.co.uk)	(40)
(Some Guy)	High school football game called after one of the band geeks decided to divide by 0 (wrcbtv.com)	(98)
	Gotta catch 'em all ...or, you know, steal them at knifepoint (myfoxdfw.com)	(56)
	Appropriately-named UPS worker busted for stealing $53K in sunglasses (wesh.com)	(95)
	Clenched-jaw elitists panic as Harvard's endowment loses $11 billion in value, down to merely $26 billion, which is practically Brown money (breitbart.com)	(94)
	Friday Photo Fun from the TSG bunch. Match the criminal to his occupation. Contest ends at 4pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(85)
(The Pittsburgh Channel)	When firing tear gas into house during standoff, make sure you fire it into the right house (thepittsburghchannel.com)	(53)
	I'd like some nice blonde highlights, a bit of a trim, and someone to talk to about the crushing black hole of emptiness which is my life, please (news.bbc.co.uk)	(43)
	September 11th is a good time to stage a live-fire security exercise in Washington DC, right? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(118)
(Some Guy)	Pro-life activist shot and killed in Michigan (mlive.com)	(lots)
(BND)	"Man arrested after trying to teach cat a lesson." Foolish human (bnd.com)	(48)
	September 11th, 2001: Fark thread as the tragedy developed (fark.com)	(720)
	"We are really sorry that the thief, cheat, robber...carrier of a knife, the person who threatened to kill...the disgusting career criminal who invaded [our] home...got hurt. We mean that most sincerely" (dailymail.co.uk)	(252)
	Web-based petition urges Gordon Brown to apologize for Britain's treatment of Alan Turing; Brown issues apology after finding online petition indistinguishable from real one (newsvote.bbc.co.uk)	(133)
	Jealous husband who killed his wife after she changed her facebook status is sentenced to a lifetime of being poked (dailymail.co.uk)	(157)
	Signs of a quality daycare: healthy activities, quiet time, stimulating toys, minimal Nazi indoctrination (expatica.com)	(91)
	Texas Rangers deployed to Mexico border. This is not a repeat from 1823 (msnbc.msn.com)	(226)
(Some Liar)	Caption Joe Wilson politely expressing his disagreement (imgur.com)	(249)
	Rodney King gets a rematch (huffingtonpost.com)	(74)
	Ex-lax security chief to head TSA (cnn.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)	Man who starred in anti-drug commercial busted for having sophisticated pot growing operation. Those that live in grass houses shouldn't get stoned (herald-dispatch.com)	(69)
	More Americans over 50 are taking the onions on their belts and turning them into bongs (slate.com)	(129)
	Photoshop Theme: Secrets you're better off not knowing (fark.com)	(65)
(clarionledger.com)	BOOM goes the dynamite. Homemade speaker puts some bass in the face of the local bomb squad (clarionledger.com)	(52)
	When a street sign says, "Muff Road", someone is bound to snatch it (nzherald.co.nz)	(79)
(PJStar.com)	Worst "Tweens forced at gunpoint to strip down to their underwear and perform jumping jacks" article you'll read all week (pjstar.com)	(56)
	Most teenage boys have seen porn on the internet but only "by accident" (news.com.au)	(190)
	Old and busted: Drunk dialing. New hotness: Butt dialing. With photo of what a phone on a girl's butt might look like (blogs.abcnews.com)	(125)
	Parents upset because their dinner receipt had "Thank you, little F**ker" printed on it after their precious little snowflake threw a temper tantrum in the restaurant (dailymail.co.uk)	(405)

Thu September 10, 2009

	Photoshop this NASA control room (www-pao.ksc.nasa.gov)	(61)
(WWL)	Cop fired for using pepper spray on 61-year-old woman...after he stopped her for having over-tinted windows (wwl.com)	(202)
(fox13now)	Turn a next-gen NASA rocket on its side. Bolt it to the desert floor. Light the fuse. Run like hell (fox13now.com)	(142)
	All those flashing lights on school buses are apparently there so you know to get the hell out of the way (abclocal.go.com)	(27)
	The Filet-O-Fish may be going the way of the Dodo, Quagga and McDLT (kentucky.com)	(288)
(Some Chick)	Ugly-assed orangutan born at a New Orleans zoo. W/adorable pic (thetowntalk.com)	(52)
	Scooby the dog freed after 5 days wedged in cave. He looks a little shaggy (livenews.com.au)	(17)
(Macon.com)	Man listed as missing person walks into hospital nude and covered in burns after chasing a rabbit (macon.com)	(57)
(Some Guy)	Thanks to decades of liberal-dominated government, modern-day young employees cite "to earn a paycheck" and "to support my family" as reasons for working (pewsocialtrends.org)	(272)
(FOX Sacramento)	Shoplifters steal 14 breast pumps from Roseville; police baffled by tittilating case (fox40.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)	License and registration please. Oh and find a vein while you're at it (khq.com)	(48)
	Not News: Woman gives son up for adoption. News: Ten years later they reunite using the internet. Fark: She has sex with him. (picture of MILF included) (wxyz.com)	(290)
	The unspoken truth about managing geeks (computerworld.com)	(240)
	Even hot dogs are not immune to being fussed with by foodies, including a $16 Kobe beef dog and the "Asia Dog," which is spicy pork paté with pickled daikon, cilantro, jalapeño slices and sriracha mayo (philly.com)	(160)
	State seizes man's 500 turtles. Court orders them returned. State returns the turtles... well except for the 300 that died in their care (ajc.com)	(187)
	County sheriff tells off woman who whines about being inconvenienced by soldier's funeral procession. Tag is for solder and sheriff (stltoday.com)	(429)
(Some Drunk Dude)	Health Chiefs warn against mixing alchohol and sex as it may lead to.... regrets. Ric Romeo nods in approval, weeps soberly in a corner (eastlondonadvertiser.co.uk)	(107)
	Today's poorly worded headline: "Don't worry if you hear booms tonight, it's just the space shuttle" (tampabay.com)	(65)
(IndyChannel)	Elderly woman who had a role in decapitating her husband wants 100 year sentence reduced. What's 100 years when you are immortal? (theindychannel.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)	Chicago transit systems to use digital 'facial recognition' technology , so cops can watch muggings happen on camera in high-def (wbbm780.com)	(59)
	Coolest picture of an elephant standing on its tiptoes to grab a snack you will see today (telegraph.co.uk)	(100)
	Photoshop this costumed boy in a window (s.wsj.net)	(60)
	Poll asks Americans which countries the US should protect if they're attacked. Canada tops the list, followed by Great Britain, Mexico, Israel and Freedonia (rasmussenreports.com)	(360)
	.... and he would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for that pink "Salt Life" sticker on his teal green Honda (tcpalm.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)	If you were carrying a grenade through Pittsburgh's airport this morning, now that the TSA has changed their shorts they're going to have a word with you (eveningsun.com)	(47)
	"Each additional inch boosted happiness levels by the same amount as a 4.4 percent increase in family income for men and 3.8 percent pay raise for women" (bloomberg.com)	(651)
	NATO to implement new policy in Afghanistan that will end the war within days. New strategy said to involve a monkey (news.bbc.co.uk)	(102)
	State Department releases lists of countries that use child labor, so the discerning consumer will know what labels to look for when they want the tight stitching and attention to detail that only those tiny little hands and eyes can provide (news.yahoo.com)	(225)
	One of the better pieces from NPR you'll read/hear about a Christian this week (npr.org)	(433)
	Problem: Influenza constantly shifts strains, making vaccines hard. Solution: Alter influenza's genetic code to outwit Mother Nature. Yeah, this will end well (forbes.com)	(113)
	Why don't you just have a seat over thaarrrrr (theregister.co.uk)	(73)
(Some Guy)	Santa Claus coming early this year. In a 13-year old boy (ktvz.com)	(156)
(Some Guy)	Criminally insane man jumps out of ambulance driving past Universal Studios and is struck and killed by a drunk driver, proving once again that Hollywood is not out of idiots (dailynews.com)	(51)
	Woman searching for ghosts ends up becoming one (cbc.ca)	(124)
	Holocaust denial ad run in extremist Iranian newspaper. Just kidding, it was the Harvard Crimson (cnn.com)	(420)
	Tukish police storm villa and rescue nine models who had been tricked into thinking they were on a reality show before being imprisoned there. Fox executives reportedly interested in producing a reality show based on the incident (news.yahoo.com)	(55)
(Naples Daily News)	Woman arrested at bowling alley, breasts go free (naplesnews.com)	(101)
(Fredericksburg)	Youth minister prevents teen from having sex with his girlfriend by having sex with him herself (fredericksburg.com)	(277)
	"Underwear stealing monkeys defeated with cactus" (metro.co.uk)	(28)
	Preliminary NATO investigation finds that German officer violated protocol by ordering the fuel-truck bombing without first annexing the Sudetenland (thelocal.de)	(98)
	Fed Ex-con (telegraph.co.uk)	(42)
	10-story vagina not the most offensive billboard in Los Angeles (latimes.com)	(235)
	Photoshop this church nave (flickr.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)	For $5 you can kick me in the balls; $3 if you've got boobies (tdn.com)	(60)
(fox 11)	A single UPS delivery truck racked up 196 tickets worth nearly $5,700 last year. What can brown do for you? (fox11online.com)	(69)
(Some Guy)	Bank offers strip show tickets to get students to open new accounts. Moral majority gets all hot and bothered (irishtimes.org)	(22)
	Ever wonder what a woman driving her daughter to school at 8:45 in the morning while registering a .29 BAC looks like? Detroit has your answer (freep.com)	(80)
(Some Guy)	Naked, high on meth, and crawling through a sewage line is no way to go through life, son (kitsapsun.com)	(41)
	He's single again, ladies (tmz.com)	(127)
	Police searching for robbers whose disguises include wearing child safety seats and beautician's sinks on their heads (tampabay.com)	(17)
(Some Guy)	On the 9th minute, of the 9th hour, of the 9th day, of the 9th month, of the 9th year...a 9 pound, 9 ounce child was born (lacrossetribune.com)	(150)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 227: "Farktography Classic: Less is More 2" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(278)

Wed September 09, 2009

	When up to your chest in flood water, it's a good idea to accept the rescue life vests from firefighters, not taking another hit of the paint you're huffing (mysanantonio.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)	28-year-old mom may have 10th baby in jail. That's a crowning achievement (bordermail.com.au)	(120)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this finely feathered fab four (bajaphotographer.com)	(35)
	Australians use more CO2 per capita than Americans, presumably to power their underground incest dungeons (bloomberg.com)	(233)
	Man arrested for robbery after he leaves a trail of peanuts for the cops to follow (orlandosentinel.com)	(28)
	"Soldier convicted of killing comrade to learn sentence." And you thought your English class was hardcore (cbc.ca)	(54)
	Cunning Linguist figures out how to lick recession (news.bbc.co.uk)	(67)
	Remember to always tip your pizza delivery man or he might hold your son for ransom (news.com.au)	(68)
	Second Pranknet member gets arrested on felony charges. The Smoking Gun is there...with handcuffs (thesmokinggun.com)	(332)
	You know those a-holes who play their car stereos so loud it cracks the plaster in your house? An Ohio city is fighting back (wtam.com)	(304)
	Judge does not permit poop eating in court. Not anymore, anyway (news.cincinnati.com)	(63)
	Officers are hatless, I repeat, hatless (stuff.co.nz)	(38)
	"To put this another way, iTunes, did you just get good?" (gizmodo.com)	(313)
	Eldery woman takes hostages at nursing home after 5,000th viewing of Cocoon (myfoxny.com)	(32)
	Humorist Garrison Keillor hospitalized following minor stroke; fans hope his woe be gone soon (chicagotribune.com)	(171)
(The Food Section)	Apparently vegetarians have meatmares, and vegans have dairymares. Subby has vegmares about having to be around these people (thefoodsection.com)	(389)
(citation in link)	City uses wiki to let public help decide general plan, with predictable res...no wait, it works pretty well (govtech.com)	(26)
	Hola, Jack (wcbstv.com)	(98)
	Doctors, nurses suspended for playing "Lying Down Game." Includes helpful photo of boy waiting to get his butt ironed (metro.co.uk)	(148)
	Five men scam dollar store two million times (courant.com)	(76)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this propeller (af.mil)	(29)
	If you're reading this, the world may not have ended today (metro.co.uk)	(181)
	Many fail to graduate college because it's not enough of a challenge, same reason you didn't go home with that chick from the bar last Friday night (usatoday.com)	(327)
	Speedo-wearing burglar nabbed by police dog -- bit him right in the Spandex, know what I mean, know what I mean? (metro.co.uk)	(35)
(LoHud)	Truck spills onions all over NY parkway, closes northbound lane for more than six hours. Police say cleanup could have been quicker, but it was difficult finding enough sausage and peppers for a job of this magnitude (lohud.com)	(49)
	Apparently, feeding your pets raw food will not only kill them, it will also kill any seniors or young children in the pet's vicinity (cbc.ca)	(173)
	You are now free to go wild in Orlando. Most outdoor security cameras discovered to be fake (orlandosentinel.com)	(67)
	"His rough, farm-callused hands trembled as he removed her bonnet, apron, and black, shapeless dress, without the benefit of electrical illumination." (online.wsj.com)	(163)
	The best video of the newest Supreme Court Justice singing 'We Are Family' at a DC Chinatown karaoke bar you'll see all day (myfoxdc.com)	(63)
	Pastor prays for affliction upon his adversaries prior to his sentencing for mortgage fraud. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, for every witness called against me, I pray cancer in their lives, lupus, brain tumor, pancreatic cancer" (sun-sentinel.com)	(328)
	If you think the IRS owes you $12,000, they still may not be convinced to give it to you even if you try to visit their office packing three knives (oregonlive.com)	(39)
	Gubernatorial candidate Robert McDonnell wants you to know that his statement that "certain homosexual conduct" could disqualify a person from being a judge has nothing to do with his current campaign. Really (washingtonpost.com)	(153)
	No matter how good they say they are at it, you should not let the cat drive (sunjournal.com)	(70)
	92-year-old woman, happily living without electricity or running water, constantly bombarded by electric company to hook up "just a little" electricity (pennlive.com)	(229)
(Democrat & Chronicle)	56 tickets in 13 minutes. That's got to be some sort of record (democratandchronicle.com)	(75)
	AT&T blames iPhone users for network problems, tells investors they won't meet traffic demands for "at least a few years" (computerworld.com)	(323)
	Birds sitting on electrical wires look like musical notes, inspire a beautiful song (myfoxdc.com)	(120)
(Fosters.com)	New Hampshire man guilty of beating his ex with a flip-flop. Has he no sole? (fosters.com)	(51)
(Not a former GM worker)	"Sir, you have several choices of disposal of your body after your death: Cremation, pine box, fancy casket, or a '72 Pontiac loaded with weapons" (chronicle.augusta.com)	(76)
(VG)	Who does Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov resemble? Answer: All of them (translate.google.no)	(100)
	The woman you're conversing with on the internet is not a playboy model, is not being pursued by the mob and does not have a daughter suffering from leukemia (thelocal.se)	(43)
	Noisier hybrid cars to help the blind. Who could have seen that coming? (online.wsj.com)	(176)
	Photoshop this mascot and his dance partner (cache.boston.com)	(26)
(Topeka Capitol-Journal)	Man crashes his van going 70 mph through the guard rail of a bridge, flies 30 feet over a river, slams headfirst into another bridge, plummets 40 feet into the water, and swims to shore unharmed. Ta-da (cjonline.com)	(52)
	Mmm firetruck.. NOM NOM NOM (with pics and video) (news.ninemsn.com.au)	(70)
	NRA lobbyist protests change of state bird because it eats out of people's hands. "Begging for food isn't sweet. It's lazy, and it's a welfare mentality" (blogs.tampabay.com)	(149)
	Thief gets collared after he's unable to flea the scene of the crime, will probably go to jail fur some time (nwfdailynews.com)	(17)
	One wedding at a funeral (news.bbc.co.uk)	(42)
	16-year old schoolgirl attempting to sail around world hits cargo ship on first night. Just 237 nights left ... what could possibly go wrong? (livenews.com.au)	(299)
(Some Guy)	You're really tempting fate by returning to your robbery victim's home to ask her for a date (10tv.com)	(61)
	Photoshop Scary McBeardington into his happy place (flickr.com)	(76)
	The Big Mac, now in burrito form (consumerist.com)	(347)

Tue September 08, 2009

	Trouble with an ex-boyfriend? Call the cable guy (myfoxtwincities.com)	(117)
	Excessive airline fees improve financial performance. Just kidding They're all going to go bankrupt again (msnbc.msn.com)	(210)
	Two speeding tickets within 10 minutes sounds pretty impressive until you realize that he turned around after the first one (edmontonjournal.com)	(62)
	"Driver plows into Grand Junction liquor store; alcohol suspected" (denverpost.com)	(44)
(Stafford County Sun)	Detective dining at Chick-fil-A Cachs Mor Suspekts (www2.staffordcountysun.com)	(109)
(My Northwest)	When you hallucinate that you're Brer Rabbit, and end up nearly naked in a briar patch... that's a bad trip (mynorthwest.com)	(63)
	Patients with osteoporosis could be treated with a once-a-year injection to help keep their bones from breaking. But not in Britain, where a government agency notes casts are just plain cheaper. Bonus: The agency is called NICE (dailymail.co.uk)	(108)
	U.N. wants a one world currency. Says dollar is too unstable (rawstory.com)	(531)
	"Man not dead, just slob" says Officer Ric Romero (nydailynews.com)	(81)
	Some spaz has started a moronic campaign to make the term "retarded" into hate speech and get it bleeped off the airwaves. But even Dan Savage thinks he's a pansy (npr.org)	(302)
	Photoshop this billboard behind a lunch break in Beijing (s.wsj.net)	(53)
	Today's Fark worthy headline begins with "Shirley's Honey Hole must close", and really, what else do you need here? (baltimoresun.com)	(38)
(Some Mate)	OMG stuck N sewr w/ BFF Jill (switched.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)	Girl testifies that an 18-year-old sent inappropriate text messages to her. "Yes your honor. That's the guy who smilie faced all over me" (middletownjournal.com)	(75)
	Worst police composite ever depicts strange, bespectacled turtle creature that has been caught sitting, watching college girls as they sleep (wgal.com)	(214)
	Paramedics deliver baby on highway. Wouldn't the gurney in the ambulance have been more comfortable? (thestarphoenix.com)	(33)
(Some Guy)	If Missouri has its way, you will need to get a prescription for your Nyquil (emissourian.com)	(155)
	The NATO airstrike that didn't kill civilians, then did, then didn't did again. Obvious and Sad tags fight to the death, leave Followup to pick up the pieces (google.com)	(100)
	First casino to be built in North Dakota. What happens in Bismarck...Ahh who the hell cares (hosted.ap.org)	(73)
	Drunk guy arrested after pretending to drown in the Gulf of Mexico so he could throw jellyfish on teenagers (tampabay.com)	(47)
	Angry ex-lover leaves 236 potted, high-grade marijuana plants strewn about someone's property. "Someone wanted this marijuana to be found." (newsok.com)	(163)
	To help you cope with your post-holiday slump, here's a 464-world article on how to improve a rhino's dry skin (11alive.com)	(37)
	Canadian found dead in hospital parking lot, where government rations the number of doctors prowling the parking lots looking for such things (calgaryherald.com)	(94)
	Today is International Litericy Day (en.wikipedia.org)	(90)
	Protip: Wearing women's lingerie and fishnet stockings and masturbating between cars at the Autoplex is no way to mark your 18th birthday, son. And don't even get me started about that pink dildo (thesmokinggun.com)	(232)
	News: Officials not sure what started fire. Fark: Not sure how it was extinguished either (calgaryherald.com)	(45)
	The Australian tourist board would just like to remind everyone that the gigantic red rock thing in the middle of their continent is a World Heritage Site, and not a toilet (news.com.au)	(68)
(Drew)	Drew calls out Keith Olbermann, and Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/30 - 9/5 (fark.com)	(375)
	Wisconsin dad, son excel at cricket-spitting. "The key is to pick the biggest cricket and put it upside down on your tongue." (hosted.ap.org)	(67)
	Sunken boat 60 miles off the coast of Maine deemed seaworthy (bangordailynews.com)	(69)
	Man caught by photo radar 37 times says officials can't prove he's the driver because the person in the pictures is always wearing a monkey mask (azcentral.com)	(391)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this low-hanging fruit (s.wsj.net)	(35)
	Why fork out for a child car seat when you can use a box of beer? (abc.net.au)	(58)
(Some Moran)	Driver rear ends a car, backs into building, takes off to hit another car and another building, takes off again and hit another car head-on. Driver last seen on foot, screaming "TA DA" (thechronicleherald.ca)	(37)
	Unpredictable flames are staying one step ahead of firefighters, out of Stanley Cup contention (foxnews.com)	(43)
	Hot Aussie girl convicted for driving while drunk. And naked (smh.com.au)	(288)
	British police accuse Dick Cheney of nearly destroying their investigations into a major terrorist plot (timesonline.co.uk)	(86)
	Eskimoes don't really have 20 words for snow but when a Scotsman gets drunk he may get bevvied, blootered, buckled, fou, guttered, legless, moroculous, mortal, pie-eyed, pished, rat-arsed, scuppered, smeekit... (2nd question) (newsok.com)	(62)
	Up to 50% of Britons have been injured by their biscuits. Calls to ban them cannot be far behind (metro.co.uk)	(61)
(Wausau Daily Herald)	It's one thing to get rid of a small baggie of marijuana while being pursued by police, but if you throw the keg out the car window they're bound to notice (wausaudailyherald.com)	(21)
	27 Texas counties have no doctor. Governor Perry airlifts thousands of bibles to aid in faith-healing (590klbj.com)	(217)
	Six NYC building inspectors taped taking bribes, dealing drugs on the job, being fully mobbed-up, possibly wearing pinky rings (nypost.com)	(52)
	Study finds brain scans are often unnecessary, come back with blank film anyway (foxnews.com)	(39)
(KXKT 103.7)	Interim Iowa Superintendent: Illegal strip search of five female students is allowable, right? Riiiiiiiiight (thekat.com)	(295)
	Police complain that showing two bodies having sex violates public decency laws, so man beheads them (metro.co.uk)	(114)
	15 year old boy finds there are worse places than your leg to shoot yourself when fumbling for your gun as it slides from your waistband (nypost.com)	(272)
	State government tells sleepy doctors to drink six cups of coffee in the name of patient safety. Because nothing says safety quite like a doctor holding a sharp scalpel in his jittery hand (news.com.au)	(44)
	1. Tell museum staff to collect discarded wrappings from other art competition entries. 2. Tell them that's your entry. 3. Win competition (3news.co.nz)	(202)
	Kentucky high school coach takes the football team on a field trip to his church, gets half of them baptised. Surprisingly, some parents have a problem with this (usatoday.com)	(285)
	Actress fired after 14 years for claiming scenes with teh ghey in them wasn't in the contract or the bible (foxnews.com)	(279)
	Attention students, you cannot ask astronauts if they work naked in space (upi.com)	(46)
	Royal collection of Queen Victoria's underpants awarded "national designated status" for its historical significance (dailymail.co.uk)	(30)
	Photoshop this not-so-smooth diving rodent (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(40)
	Sarkozy poses with short workers. It's the height of arrogance (upi.com)	(68)
	By law, cars in Samoa will henceforth have to drive on the left side of the road. If this law proves successful, in six months it will be applied to trucks too (cbc.ca)	(90)

Mon September 07, 2009

	Donating your 320th pint of blood? That's a hero-ing (msnbc.msn.com)	(126)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this slippery situation (s.wsj.net)	(44)
	It's safe to say this father and son didn't win the fishing tournament (wesh.com)	(97)
	Is this relationship on the rocks? (washingtonpost.com)	(74)
	If you're an older worker who suddenly is back on the job search again, you need to do something about that hair. And those clothes. And that gut (oregonlive.com)	(189)
(Whitehouse.gov)	Prepared remarks by the President to America's schoolchildren: "You can't drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You've got to work for it and train for it and learn for it." That socialist bast..wait what? (whitehouse.gov)	(¼)
	Photoshop these relay runners (cache.boston.com)	(35)
	Today's asshat teen gang members sent to PMITA prison for posing with guns on Facebook brought to you by Sheffield, England (dailymail.co.uk)	(263)
(MaineToday.com)	The glass ceiling has been lifted. Domestic assaults by women increasing. You go girl (morningsentinel.mainetoday.com)	(214)
	Should taxpayers be footing the bill for lesbian porn? (thelocal.se)	(301)
	Today's holiday weekend waste of space article from Newsweek: Can babies be racist? (newsweek.com)	(210)
	Swedish churches deploy their secret weapon in the fight against swine flu: stronger booze (thelocal.se)	(32)
	Australian man discovers python "twice his size" curled up in the toilet. Just how big are Australian toilets, anyway? (metro.co.uk)	(97)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this cook (all the pixels you can handle) (semihomemade.com)	(71)
	Nanny State bans Boy Scouts from having knives. What's next, no more campfires, weenie roasts? (telegraph.co.uk)	(427)
	Man opens up a drive-through prayer stand on the side of the road. It's so popular people are calling 9-1-1 because it's backing traffic up for miles. "Right now, the rogue vendors, we need to control that aspect." (azcentral.com)	(104)
(Some Guy)	Felonious monk (kake.com)	(103)
	Tragedy is when a shipment of wine is destroyed by fire. Comedy is when the firefighters find themselves being shot at by corks as the bottles explode (metro.co.uk)	(54)
(Some Guy)	09-09-09: A day without cats on the internet (urlesque.com)	(172)
	Geneticist hopes to invent the perfect vegetable, full of country goodness and green peaness (seattlepi.com)	(72)
(Philly Burbs)	Carjacker loses interest in 80-year-old's car, coincidentally right after 80-year-old gives him a boot to the balls (phillyburbs.com)	(25)
	Woman competes in the first New Jersey 150 on the NJ Turnpike, completes it in 90 minutes and gets arrested. Bonus: Makes a successful U-turn at south end with cops chasing her (philly.com)	(48)
	Water main breaks in Los Angeles, floods streets. Up next for Southern California: locusts (google.com)	(80)
(Some Gal)	"If you are looking for a new smoking experience, perhaps what you need is a flavorful cheese filtered cigarette" (oddee.com)	(59)
(Post and Courier)	After parents complain, schoolbus stops dropping kids off right in front of a sex offender's house. Drat, there goes the home delivery service (m.postandcourier.com)	(113)
	Saskatchewan gets first new cities in almost a century. For those who have never been to Saskatchewan, a "city" is a place where the gas station and restaurant are in separate buildings (google.com)	(127)
	"Combat Barbie" poses in ad campaign for lingerie store. The Sun is there (thesun.co.uk)	(75)
	Which element of this story best fits the tag? 1. Two women agree to hookup with one guy. 2. The two women took their laptop to the threesome. 3. Guy didn't want sex, just wanted to rob them blind (buffalonews.com)	(42)
(KARE 11)	Guy gets into girl's social network accounts, threatens to steal her identity if she doesn't send him nude photos. Fark: Dude, she's your cousin (kare11.com)	(204)