Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-08-30

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Sun August 30, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Man claims to have irrefutable proof of monstrous, hairy monster living in Poland: "I never really believed the local stories of a wild mountain ape-man. But now I do" (thesun.co.uk)	(116)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this oddly placed passage (1.bp.blogspot.com)	(86)
		Proving that a vegetarian lifestyle doesn't always work, Terry Schiavo's father dies of heart failure (google.com)	(173)
		On Sunday's edition of Media Fearmongering™: Swimming pools will kill you (ajc.com)	(69)
		San Francisco's police chief proposes amnesty program. For his police officers (sfgate.com)	(105)
		The hidden benefits of traffic tickets. Missing: giving Farkers another reason to whine about police brutality in their sheltered lives (slate.com)	(159)
		Forget death panels. If you're really interested in putting a stop to the public option (and some truly entertaining town hall meetings), let's talk circumcision panels (reason.com)	(184)
(Atheist Revolution)		Ok, so you all know what atheists don't believe. Here's what they DO believe (atheistrev.com)	(448)
		Former first daughter Jenna Bush to join the "Today" show; submitter unsure if she is the hot drunk one or the fat drunk one (sfgate.com)	(144)
		Why Americans hate fat people (newsweek.com)	(457)
		Woman called "delusional" and held against her will in psychiatric ward for saying 9/11 was inside job, being delusional. This should end well (clareswinney.wordpress.com)	(478)
		Apparently in Baltimore if you want to rent out a Police Helicopter and Officers to set up a proposal to your girlfriend it'll only cost ya $300 (google.com)	(60)
		It's chic, it's mainstream, it's... marijuana? (latimes.com)	(243)
		The perfect Xmas gift for your little Miley Cyrus fan: It rotates. It has blinking lights, a disco ball, and a pole. It's the Pole Dancer doll (gizmodo.com)	(57)
		Chicago is being invaded by thin crust pizza. EVERYBODY PANIC (msnbc.msn.com)	(480)
		For some, the "Religious Views" box on their Facebook profile represents 10 throwaway characters to type. For others, it represents a long, personal journal of self-reflection, cotemplation, and soul-searching (washingtonpost.com)	(229)
(Stevens Point Journal)		Photoshop this baseball player (stevenspointjournal.com)	(29)
(Some Cornhusker)		Couple falls behind on their mortgage, turns to the Federal Loan Modification Law Center. Several months later, they discover the FLMLC is a scam, and they're losing their home. Pity they didn't get the $8,000 tax credit (journalstar.com)	(120)
		Hate clamshell packaging? Don't bother with scissors, they're way too useful (green.yahoo.com)	(188)
		Obama's FEMA chief wants to reduce the role of "government-centric" emergency management, urges American citizens to "change behavior" and prepare to fend for themselves in a disaster. Sounds like a heckuva job (theatlantic.com)	(220)
		Apparently there are rules to decorating your cubicle. Subby still prefers to knock out a wall to get a nice view out the window before heading into a meeting with the Bobs (abcnews.go.com)	(85)
		Man gets 15 years for biting off cop's index finger. Can you digit? (nj.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)		"The canoe is to Canada what the horse was to the United States." And not just because it allows Canadians to simulate U.S. beer by being farking close to water (independent.ie)	(75)
		Snowflakes now killing each other at school over lunch tables... who knew a lunch place was THAT important? (news.com.au)	(119)
(Some Guy)		Sam: 0, Ralph: 120 (missoulian.com)	(139)
		His hair is long, most teeth are gone, what about that hat he's got on? Most people get high on drugs or wines, but this guy's gotta face it, he's addicted to signs. Oh yeah (stuff.co.nz)	(27)
		Over 350 hang out at the wiener nationals (www3.signonsandiego.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)		"Police investigating a burglary are appealing for anyone who has been offered cheap whisky or unusual coins to get in touch." (derbyshiretimes.co.uk)	(12)
(WMTW.com)		Maine man sentenced to five years in prison and $95k restitution for illegally getting wood (wmtw.com)	(41)
		Feeling stressed - try a bunny cafe (w/video). Happy Bunday (news.bbc.co.uk)	(96)
(Some Zoo)		Photoshop this minty fresh hippo (dentalhealthblog.com)	(32)
(TheReader.es)		Neighborhood watch apprehends burglar with 1,000 Euros in his anus (thereader.es)	(62)
		51% of American adults say alcohol more dangerous than marijuana, 25% say they're equal, 24% want some pizza (rasmussenreports.com)	(485)

Sat August 29, 2009

	Ex-cop living in Siberia says he's the son of God. "His followers, who have given up their lives to follow him, are strict vegans and are banned from smoking and drinking or handling money." (dailymail.co.uk)	(140)
	"'We are investigating because cows growing up in the mountains normally can estimate dangers and do not plunge down cliffs" (myfoxdc.com)	(67)
	Update on memorial efforts for Farker Arelas' family. LGT earlier thread (fark.com)	(75)
	Don't it make my brown eyes blue? (dailymail.co.uk)	(191)
(Some Guy)	Class action lawsuit alleges sunscreen makers misled consumers about effectiveness of the products. Man, are their faces red (citytv.com)	(42)
	India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in (news.com.au)	(141)
	"Nudity and jellyfish just don't mix" (telegraph.co.uk)	(46)
	Click to see Glenn Beck making creepy passes at Dina Sansing, stay for the awkward silence (youtube.com)	(232)
	Caption two of our greatest living ex-Presidents (image3.examiner.com)	(212)
	Thanks Farkers, from Arelas' family (fark.com)	(106)
	The Chicago Tribune ponders: "Is your backyard play set unsafe?" All parents to your helicopters, I repeat all parents to your helicopters (chicagotribune.com)	(112)
	For all you law nerds and constitutional scholars: the Ninth Circuit's MLB case has put a stop to law enforcement's exploitation of the "plain view" doctrine in computer searches (blogs.wsj.com)	(97)
	The world's strangest conventions, furries mysteriously absent (msnbc.msn.com)	(123)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this perched parrot (upload.wikimedia.org)	(47)
(PNJ)	Burglar, with balls of steel, comes back and takes the TV he left at the crime scene while the cops are still there. That's some fine police work there, Lou (pnj.com)	(70)
	It's Saturday afternoon -- don't you hanker for a hunk of cheese? (youtube.com)	(116)
(Some Guy)	Who needs anti-depressants when we have beer? (scienceblog.com)	(86)
(Some Guy)	Memphis mayoral candidate proposes issuing Uzis and machine guns to citizens to fight crime (current.com)	(115)
	Schlotzkied (statesman.com)	(84)
	While bullets, mortars, bombs and IEDs are deemed healthy by the military, smoking gets a closer look. Beer looks over its shoulder (news.yahoo.com)	(79)
	No matter what the cop says, it's legal to drive through South Dakota with a can of Red Bull (thenewspaper.com)	(231)
(Daily Yomiuri)	Standing-only bars mushroom throughout Tokyo with funky layouts, reasonable food and drink prices. 'Many customers simply lean against the bar while enjoying their drinks. This manner of drinking is dubbed the "Dark style"' (yomiuri.co.jp)	(54)
	16 of 24 countries surveyed think the U.S. is pretty much okay these days. The others don't recommend their patients chew gum (news.yahoo.com)	(99)
	People being able to post in real time that they are not at home a boon to burglars. Obvious tag is breaking into your house, stealing your stuff, laughing at your status update (abcnews.go.com)	(53)
(Some Iowan)	Police arrest members of a shoplifting ring that plagued the Iowa City region for months. The suspects are nine teenagers under sixteen that stole snack foods from local convenience stores (press-citizen.com)	(38)
	Just in case you ever win a $325 million lottery, here are some helpful tips on how to spend the money. Free TotalFark for everyone suprisingly absent from the list (abcnews.go.com)	(130)
(Eye Weekly)	Three reasons to head to Toronto this weekend. Chocolate. Covered. Bacon (eyeweekly.com)	(38)
(Some Guy)	Blind man's repeated complaints about cars parking on his sidewalk lead police to arrest him and take away his guide dog (hampshirechronicle.co.uk)	(129)
(adn.com)	Bummer of a birthmark, Hal (adn.com)	(59)
	The World Health Organization has really got the EVERYBODY PANIC thing down to a science as they warn of the new and improved Super Swine Flu (abcnews.go.com)	(75)
(WMTW.com)	A carrot a day keeps the dentist away (wmtw.com)	(22)
	Not news: You have a dispute with your landlord. News: He sets up a homeless camp in your backyard, violating city ordinance. Fark: City responds "LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU." (sacbee.com)	(141)
(WMTW.com)	Caledonia County Fair officials are afraid somebody might get sick and blame it on the pigs, so there will be no porkers this year (wmtw.com)	(32)
(Dude... you're like...old)	Confessions of a 59-year-old dorm rat (magic-city-news.com)	(51)
	Woman drops off computer to have CD drive replaced, Best Buy pulls an auto mechanic on her and replaces enough equipment to stick her with a $1700 bill (consumerist.com)	(319)
(Burnleycitizen)	Tizzie the cat hopes being 36 years old will get her listed in the Guinness Book of Caturdays (burnleycitizen.co.uk)	(617)
	On the 4th anniversary of Katrina, a big thanks from all us Gulf Coast Farkers (youtube.com)	(92)
	Road project held up because piece of bridge is six inches too long. Subby swears it was closer to eight inches, wife says it was more like four (wftv.com)	(20)
	Woman licks husband after catching him licking another woman in bar (nwfdailynews.com)	(26)
	Photoshop Challenge: Create your own sand sculpture (images.google.com)	(27)
	Sorority pledges forced to eat cat food, fraternity pledges willingly ate sor... oh, you get it (msnbc.msn.com)	(78)
(Some Guy)	Some images need no headlines (toplessrobot.com)	(49)
	Not satisfied with residents being thrown into a blasted alcohol-free desert, Utah unveils new "mom screaming at you" DUI campaign (sfgate.com)	(29)
	5 badass movie characters you didn't know were real people (cracked.com)	(55)
	But officer, the horse was completely sober (abc.net.au)	(64)
	"A third, clearly overcome by emotion, held the photo close to her chest -- then ate it." (cnn.com)	(31)
	Please don't crap in the shellfish beds (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(25)
	Residents of Wisconsin still cannot conceal carry, but starting Tuesday, 10-year-olds can go hunting (startribune.com)	(66)
(Some Guy)	Today's WTF from Japan: A Gundam-themed cosplay wedding (mdn.mainichi.jp)	(59)
(News4Jax)	Mom bucks school's new parking system when she skips long line of cars by picking up daughter from school on horseback. Neighlarity ensues (news4jax.com)	(104)
(Reuters AlertNet)	North Korean ship bound for Iran seized by UAE and contained rocket launchers, detonators, RPGs and blow-up dolls. Countries linked include Australia, France, Italy, China. Those bastards, all of them (alertnet.org)	(82)
	Ad agency sues Microsoft because their commerical infringes on their patent that covers the "advertising concept in which a commercial serves to advance the plot of the TV show". Same agency also considering patenting the Stupid Tag (blog.seattlepi.com)	(40)
	Maybe you can get away with bringing your own Xbox, monitor and wi-fi to the library, but once you start screaming at your teammates in CoD4, expect to get thrown out (iheartchaos.com)	(67)
	Ugly-ass echidna celebrates first birthday (with ugly-ass pic) (telegraph.co.uk)	(50)

Fri August 28, 2009

(Waterloo Courier)	Man arrested for threatening to release mustard gas at Taco John's. To end this headline with a PSA about not riding away on a bicycle, turn to page 4. To end this headline with a joke about gas and Taco John's, turn to page 10 (wcfcourier.com)	(34)
	US Government gives Mattel exemption from safety testing, Mr. Potato Lead to follow shortly. Your Barbie wants a hazmat suit (news.yahoo.com)	(43)
(SpaceVidCast)	Launch Attempt 3: Discovery launches to the ISS carrying COLBERT tonight at 11:59pm EDT. LGT HD feed (spacevidcast.com)	(289)
(Florida Today)	Swine flu present in all schools (floridatoday.com)	(60)
(Florida Today)	Swine flu not present in schools (floridatoday.com)	(12)
	DJ AM stars in reality version of "Final Destination" (nbclosangeles.com)	(224)
	Toddler who wandered away from daycare caught by two state police officers; boy may be charged with resisting a rest (cbs3.com)	(56)
	Son of Murdoch: It's just not fair: we can't buy the BBC and if we put out crap like Fox News in the UK OFCOM would throw us off the air for lying (news.bbc.co.uk)	(208)
	Deputy who investigated illegal backyard encampment in 2006 failed to notice sex slave living there, didn't know owner was a registered sex offender, because he didn't check. That's some extra-fine police work, Lou (salon.com)	(181)
	This week's Smoking Gun mugshot lineup: Popeye's visit to the slammer (thesmokinggun.com)	(209)
	Photoshop Theme: How-to books we'd like to see (fark.com)	(63)
	If you're going to pull out a gun in a fit of road rage, try not to accidentally shoot yourself in the leg (buffalonews.com)	(48)
	Elderly seem to be immune to H1N1. Man, government run Medicare and Medicaid really work (thedenverchannel.com)	(66)
	Not news: Man accused of sexual battery goes on trial. News: Commits suicide before the verdict. Fark: Not guilty (sun-sentinel.com)	(79)
(Some Guy)	10 secrets your dentist doesn't want you to know. 'You don't have to take your pants off to have your teeth checked' surprisingly absent (dailyfinance.com)	(101)
	First date advice - DO: Steal her heart. DON'T: Steal her car (clickondetroit.com)	(66)
	Chicken and duck become inseparable, delicious companions (startribune.com)	(39)
(WAFF)	If you are called to come over to see your ex-girlfriend, watch out for the guy in the closet with the baseball bat (waff.com)	(42)
	"Hey, can I borrow a flashlight, gas can and a shovel? Ignore the woman in the car begging you to call the cops, it's nothing. Thanks." (cnn.com)	(89)
	REMINDER: Fark Party in Downtown Los Angeles at Casey's Irish Pub on Aug 29 (fark.com)	(37)
(Some Guy)	Man freed from hole. Your mom inconsolable (phillyburbs.com)	(28)
(WATE-TV)	Today's "Burglar steals furnace then sells it back to owner via Craiglist" story brought to you by Knoxville, TN (wate.com)	(28)
	Aquarium transformer starts fire, which shatters aquarium, which puts out fire. Taa daaa (desmoinesregister.com)	(75)
	Fort Lauderdale police department is the latest to use the "Pied Piper for the Criminally Stupid" method of finding people with outstanding warrants (news.yahoo.com)	(124)
	Old and busted: Nigerians inheriting millions and wiring it to your bank account. New hotness: Nigerians hacking into your Facebook account and asking your friends to loan you money (wcbstv.com)	(75)
	Ancient burial site discovered in Greece. No sign of nine-headed monsters; the land was de-hydrated (abcnews.go.com)	(96)
	Having learned from Iran, the US Senate has proposed a bill that would give the President the authority to "declare a cybersecurity emergency" and "turn off the internet." What could possibly go wro (news.cnet.com)	(344)
	It's just not a real British wedding until the bride is smashing a beer glass into the face of one of the bridesmaids (news.bbc.co.uk)	(72)
(Some Guy)	Dear ladies: you know all those minor imperfections that you've been dwelling on all these years? The guy's perspective: we actually don't notice them (joethepeacock.com)	(631)
	Theme park provides hypnotherapist to convince adults that they enjoy hearing their children screaming (calgaryherald.com)	(30)
	Is "moist" a dirty word? How about "hardscrabble," "pugilist," "squall" and "giggle"? "Creamy"? "Navel?" "Panties?" Moist, creamy panties? Sweet jesus (cnews.canoe.ca)	(376)
	Want high wages and low taxes? Move to Switzerland. (Everyone's got health coverage, too.) (reuters.com)	(204)
(Some Guy)	Never bring a belt buckle to a spatula fight (theday.com)	(22)
	If you're having a dispute with a store manager over the bed you just bought, what better way to express your dissatisfaction than by driving your Rolls-Royce through the wall of the store? (pic) (telegraph.co.uk)	(46)
(Some Hero)	Superhero Smackdown: Iron Man vs Superman, who would win? (thecorrectness.com)	(464)
	55 year old man arrested for riding his bike around town while wearing only a thong (wftv.com)	(45)
(Eagle Tribune)	Attention Lord Family, the workers at Hilldale Cemetary have found your dog, Tramp. Please come and pick it up (eagletribune.com)	(11)
	Tokyo is suffering a rash of shoplifting and criminal behavior. By old people. And they are doing it because they are lonely and want human contact. Ahhh...Japan (yglesias.thinkprogress.org)	(46)
	Best log carved into a fox by a guy with a chainsaw video you'll see all day (myfoxdc.com)	(25)
	Mythical creatures in Venn Diagram form (andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com)	(86)
	You have managed to steal the identity of Governor Jim Douglas of Vermont. Do you: C) Send Governor Douglas a few laptops (hosted.ap.org)	(20)
	Building manager posts pics of man who urinated in lobby, complete with "SMALL PENIS ALERT" caption (cnews.canoe.ca)	(70)
(KTVU)	Finally, medical science makes a worthwhile discovery. Marijuana protects your brain from damage caused by excessive drinking (ktvu.com)	(182)
(News Times)	8-year-old "Chicken Whisperer" teaches fowl to lay on their backs. Must be a great way to pick up chicks (newstimes.com)	(29)
	Old post office site goes to anonymous buyer, just like several of the packages you shipped (chicagotribune.com)	(43)
(My Fox Philly)	325 million dollar drawing tonight in New Jersey. Still not enough money to get rid of the smell in Elizabeth (myfoxphilly.com)	(79)
	49-year-old mum does a charity walk to work dressed in a St Trinian's schoolgirl uniform (lep.co.uk)	(58)
	A gas can and a lighter not a good match (wbbm780.com)	(36)
	Photoshop this close play (nysun.com)	(47)
	The sorry sack of crap who kidnapped Jaycee 18 years ago and forced her to bear two of his kids says it's really a heartwarming story (mercurynews.com)	(695)
	Friday Photo Fun from the guys at TSG: What band do these perps have in common? Contest ends at 4pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(214)
	"There is nothing bacon does not improve. Bacon is the new black" (time.com)	(116)
(Western Australia Today)	China enjoys it when the Australian PM visits because they remember the fantastic mutual orgasm they shared several years ago (watoday.com.au)	(86)
	Dutch courts put 13-year-old female sailor into state custody to keep her from being the youngest solo sailer to go around the world. They ruled she is too young for a dutch rudder (news.bbc.co.uk)	(238)
(Some Guy)	Former KFC now sells marijuana. You'll not only lick your fingers, you'll stare at them for hours (blogs.laweekly.com)	(55)
	It's cheaper to pay the bribe to the Moscow traffic cop when he pulls you over because they'll really screw you if you fight the ticket in court (latimes.com)	(74)
	Psychiatric aide trainee pleads guilty to giving a patient nails and teaching her how to swallow them. Yeah, she's screwed (mcall.com)	(84)
	Protip: If you're transporting 28,000 lbs of marijuana in a semi trailer, don't cut off a sheriff's deputy on the freeway (pe.com)	(69)
(Some Penny Pincher)	Money saving tip: pretend to be gay in Las Vegas and save $10 (dumbassdaily.com)	(78)
	Good news: it's now okay if Uruguay in Uruguay (cnn.com)	(35)
(SB Independent)	Driver ends road test by rearranging DMV furniture (with pic goodness) (independent.com)	(64)
(Some Googler)	Results 1 - 10 of about 25,600,000 for "fire escape" (0.54 seconds) (news.bnonews.com)	(37)
(Peoria Journal Star)	If you're wanted for attempting to steal a car, its probably not a good idea to go into a police station on the same day asking for money for a bus ticket. Fark: Thief accepted police chief's invitation to come into his office (pjstar.com)	(10)
	3 arrested in 75 cent robbery (orlandosentinel.com)	(54)
	Photoshop another use for this tower, or these goats (upload.wikimedia.org)	(45)
	If you're a tax dodger don't brag about it on Facebook or MySpace (online.wsj.com)	(43)
	How celestials (entities able to travel throughout the universe through willpower alone and are not confined to any physical location) assist humanity with extraterrestrial life (examiner.com)	(131)
	You don't need to look over here. We're not preparing to invade Taiwan or anything. Seriously. Stop with the looking over here. Or we'll quit funding the stimulus (reuters.com)	(100)
(nbc4i.com)	Newsy: Remember the teacher that burned the cross in the kid's arm? The school district settled for $115,500. Fark: Lawyers get 96% of the money (www2.nbc4i.com)	(102)
	Because you don't have enough nightmare fuel in your life, it's time to meet Heathcliffe, the giant burrowing cockroach and a contender for the title of world's heaviest insect (news.com.au)	(83)
(Some Guy)	Headline goes here please (roanoke.com)	(55)
(Springfield Republican)	"It's not illegal, Tucker said, to offer somebody a lollipop." (masslive.com)	(38)
(Queerty.com)	Not news: Being late for a court date. Still not news: Concerning the validity of your marriage license. Sorta news: When you're both female. FARK: And the future of your country's LGBT community rests on your argument (queerty.com)	(44)
	Tactical canned bacon stays "edible" for 10 years. The most worrying part about this article are the quote marks around "edible" (gizmodo.com)	(74)
	Not news: Fossil feathers found. News: 40 million year old color deduced from those fossil feathers. Fark: Reported accurately and responsibly by Fox News (foxnews.com)	(302)
	In Denver, you'll soon be able to pay for marijuana fines with the loose change in your pocket (9news.com)	(96)

Thu August 27, 2009

	And now, for no particular reason, a giant butter Yoda (thestar.com)	(48)
(WSBTV)	Well, the school bus hijacker technically wasn't naked since he was wearing a condom (wsbtv.com)	(37)
	"Know what they call a shooting at McDonald's in Quebec?" "They don't call it a shooting at McDonald's?" "Nah, man, they got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the fark that is." (cnews.canoe.ca)	(97)
	Scot pays £230,000 for a sheep: "It's an incredibly chunky animal with a tremendous back end" (thescotsman.scotsman.com)	(61)
(Some Guy)	ProTip: If you're a gubernatorial hopeful and you're asked about your state's licensed wolf hunt, don't say you'd buy a license to hunt Barack Obama (khq.com)	(193)
(Phoenix New Times)	Latest overblown teen sex hysteria: vodka tampons and anal beer bongs (blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com)	(153)
(Some Guy)	Make new retro propaganda posters for our time. Link goes to an example (s2.buzzfeed.com)	(101)
	PA signs law that outlaws DIY dog surgeries. Sorry you are going to have to see a vet to give your dog a c-section (wgal.com)	(62)
(Some Guy)	US-EU Plan To "Move" Earth Orbit Doomed, Say Russian Scientists (whatdoesitmean.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Schwarzenegger uses Twitter to ask Californians for ideas to close budget gap. Answer: Legalize (and tax) it (govtech.com)	(233)
(Some Guy)	Snake handler dies from bite. A bittersweet end to an otherwise charming life (kalingatimes.com)	(51)
	Dress code for restaurants at the Waldorf-Astoria: "Bull & Bear: Casual elegance. Peacock Alley: Elegant business. Starbucks: Smart casual." Huh? To go to Starbucks? (pic) (consumerist.com)	(130)
	"Hello, this is a courtesy call to let you know that the Federal Trade Commission is going to stomp mudholes in the asses of telemarketing robocallers." (google.com)	(170)
(Some Guy)	Anagram Tube Map shows Londoners the way from Browny Helmet to Queerer Elastic via A Retard Cottonmouth (thelondonpaper.com)	(40)
	Sorry I'm late. My bus driver was arrested for forcible confinement and assault (cbc.ca)	(12)
	Auschwitz blueprints given to Israeli PM, you know, "just in case" (ctv.ca)	(299)
	Guy finds his stolen car with a guy inside shot to death. Hey, free deadguy (detnews.com)	(84)
	Two women try to force another car off the road, flash gang signs, and then throw a bottle of perfume at the car. "Watch me kill you" (sltrib.com)	(45)
	Ah, Fark's favorite state, where it's legal to beat your kids as long as you aren't gay (milbergsmusings.wordpress.com)	(146)
	Not news: soldiers find naked woman in raid of Iraqi house. News: it's Picasso's "Naked Woman," stolen in 1990 and worth $10 million (nydailynews.com)	(110)
(azfamily.com)	TV reporter investigates why fast food restaurants put so much ice in their drinks. "They've done a lot of studies and they have found out that the more ice you put in the drink, the better it tastes, the better it looks" (azfamily.com)	(264)
	Fruit sex outrage hits Britain. This is not a repeat from Penny Arcade (metro.co.uk)	(106)
	Problem: Depressed people keep jumping of a bridge. Do you c) smear it with butter? (metro.co.uk)	(79)
(Some Guy)	CA highspeed rail, which would help the environment by reducing vehicles on the road, may be derailed by environmentalists (bizjournals.com)	(235)
(Some Guy)	Man busted in a cockfighting ring sues the Humane Society for hurting his birds (madison.com)	(74)
	The Dutch discover petrified forests on the moon (abcnews.go.com)	(60)
	Photoshop theme: Inappropriate amusement park rides (fark.com)	(47)
(WKYC)	School honors student wearing 'my pen is enormous' shirt ... standardized testing has never been this much fun (wkyc.com)	(70)
	Today's ready made Fark headline; "Chicken owner shoots own leg while hunting opossum" brought to you courtesy of Mount Vernon, Washington (charlotteobserver.com)	(37)
	Brunch is killing the breakfast meal and hangovers may be the only thing to save it. "Many people now consider a poached egg on a piece of toast an extravagance" (nzherald.co.nz)	(139)
	So after 18 years this girl walks into a police station (cbsnews.com)	(272)
	"Due to unforeseen circumstances, the clairvoyant column will not be published for a few weeks" (nzherald.co.nz)	(60)
	In this day of overtly sexy ads, internet porn, and sexting, burlesque is making a comback (wbbm780.com)	(lots)
	City supplies kids with spray paint and leaves them unsupervised to paint mural in skate park. This works out about how you'd expect (w/ pic) (calgarysun.com)	(246)
	8 inch long pliable rubber device selling for under $20 may be miracle cure for tennis elbow (well.blogs.nytimes.com)	(146)
(Pal-Item)	Remember that Indiana high school that suspended over 169 students last week for violating their new fascist dress code? Hundreds of parents attended board meeting last night only to be told to give up and call the whambulance (pal-item.com)	(428)
	The "rebellious, but has always been a part of China" province of Taiwan to host a state visit from the "deposed feudal leader of the rebellious, but has always been a part of China" province of Tibet (news.yahoo.com)	(70)
	Wood carver cracks ancient Royal code, all without any help from Dan Brown (entertainment.timesonline.co.uk)	(90)
	As a general rule, Art museums prefer nude paintings to actual nude women. (w/slightly Not safe for work pic) (metro.co.uk)	(108)
	Gleaming the cub (telegraph.co.uk)	(42)
(WKRG)	"Hey, Baldwin County, how are ya man? Having a nice recession? Good, good... listen, remember that $7.7 million we gave you? Yeah, about that..." (wkrg.com)	(46)
	The five ballsiest lies ever passed off as journalism (cracked.com)	(171)
	If your license has been suspended 45 times, try to resist drinking a beer in your stolen car (upi.com)	(25)
	Woman feeds her husband, four kids, one dog, two cats and a rabbit on $4 a week. And if money becomes even tighter, she has a plan to feed her husband and four kids on $2 a week (myfoxdc.com)	(411)
	When choosing a jewelry shop to offload the pieces you've just stolen, try to avoid the one owned by the husband of your victim (thelocal.se)	(10)
	Principal of Pace High School says there's nothing he can do about the school's name being owned by a porn site (nwfdailynews.com)	(104)
	Good: The weak economy means fewer people are trying to get through the border fence. Bad: Instead, they're stealing pieces to sell for scrap metal (foxnews.com)	(40)
	CIA learned their cold water torture techniques by reading a Canadian government guide to swimming in Canada. Really (cbc.ca)	(112)
	If you rob a bank every Thursday, sooner or later police will notice the pattern (foxnews.com)	(20)
	Bank installs "genderless' toilet to accomodate employee going through sex change. Naturally, (s)he is furious and screaming about discrimination at work (earthtimes.org)	(734)
(Some Frightened Fisherman)	Photoshop these blobfish (wptv.com)	(39)
	"A major decline in the proportion of Canadians suffering hip fractures may be partly due to people weighing more and having bigger buttocks, researchers say" (redorbit.com)	(46)
	Just another animal on the verge of extinctiWHAT THE fark IS THAT (news.bbc.co.uk)	(197)
	House in NYC is 9.5 feet wide, 42 feet long. Much like subby's co...ndominium (news.yahoo.com)	(105)
(Times Higher Education)	The annual round-up of the best snowflakeism's in this year's university exams (timeshighereducation.co.uk)	(126)
	Police say "Stun Gun Granny" isn't even a grandmother at all. If you can't trust the word of a Subway bandit, who can you trust (abcactionnews.com)	(14)
	Meet the "genetically impossible" male tortoiseshell cat named after Eddie Izzard (Nope, still not Caturday, but once again it's late and things are slow) (telegraph.co.uk)	(166)
(Some Guy)	Immaculate Confection (thecatholicspirit.com)	(37)
	Mexico's new drug use law worries those in the U.S. that profit from the failed War on Drugs™ (hosted.ap.org)	(174)
	Fed chairman Ben Bernanke was recently a victim of identity fraud by a "sophisticated crime ring". Perhaps by elite hackers, master forgers, or covert foreign infiltrators? Nope. His wife's checkbook was snatched from Starbucks (newsweek.com)	(33)
	Cash for Clunkers generates 690,114 new car sales, 41% of which were bought from Japanese automakers. Japan plans to write thank you note on pretty stationary (usatoday.com)	(296)
(Some Guy)	If you don't know what utility, cutter and canner beef is, or what mechanically separated chicken is, you really don't want to snap into a Slim Jim (slashfood.com)	(153)
(Some Guy)	You may have traded one clunker for another. Toyota issues recall of 95,700 vehicles (rn-t.com)	(51)
	Fake erection draws over 200 fines from police (smh.com.au)	(55)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 225: "Training Documents" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(81)

Wed August 26, 2009

(Some Dude of the Cloth)	Florida pastor texts wife that he was kidnapped to conceal affair, worried wife calls police, police trace cell phone and things follow an obvious trajectory from there (weinterrupt.com)	(58)
	A man learns that he is not the father of two children he believed were his, but were actually the offspring of his business partner to his then-wife. By letter. From another country. His response? Suing for child support paid (business.timesonline.co.uk)	(173)
	Photoshop these Chinese plank shoe racers (telegraph.co.uk)	(28)
	The 15 most baffling boasts in the history of rap. Submitter goes green like Sizzlean, Pop Rocks like Sleestak in a tub o Soylent Green (cracked.com)	(166)
	Peruvian Stuffed Turkey - Allez Cuisine (news.yahoo.com)	(48)
(Some Guy)	SPCA CEO's K-9 DOA. The VIP has yet to hold a PC, as she is currently MIA, but should get KIA, or at least KP (wtvr.com)	(102)
(SciencebBlogs)	Pics of a rolling pub-on-a-bicycle in Tallinn Estonia, complete with bar stools, table, beer, munchies and bare-assed drunken patrons (scienceblogs.com)	(74)
	Astronomers discover Planet of the Emos (usatoday.com)	(106)
(Merced Sun-Star)	If you're trading sexual favors with women who have full neck tattoos and Sharpie eyebrows, the baseball bat beating they give you should come as no surprise (with mug shots) (mercedsunstar.com)	(187)
(Montgomery Advertiser)	Southern Paranormal Researchers spend several hours staring at a broom (montgomeryadvertiser.com)	(99)
	Man under investigation after dropping his kid off at school. Fark: In a helicopter (orlandosentinel.com)	(97)
	PETA wants a lighthouse because fish are tasty (detnews.com)	(124)
	Normal: Driver of 13.5 ft tall truck uses GPS to calculate his route. Not Fark: GPS includes 12 ft tall tunnel Fark: Driver ignores warning signs on way into tunnel (VIDEO) (cnn.com)	(62)
	Meet the most whipped guy in the D.C. area (nbclosangeles.com)	(198)
	French security adviser kidnapped by Somali terrorists; surrenders three of them to death while he escapes (news.bbc.co.uk)	(102)
	High blood pressure can cause.. um, something (cbc.ca)	(28)
	Neighbors in Chicago suburb Tinley Park Illinois, rat out each other if they don't have a city sticker and apparently don't want anyone who doesn't have one spending their money in Tinley Park (wbbm780.com)	(66)
(Some Guy)	This weekend only - the Great California Garage Sale. Ceramic cats, golf clubs, Porsche rims, Sacramento Kings Bobbleheads - everything must go (govtech.com)	(42)
	"What's Wrong With Washington." Sorry, but an 800-word article can't even summarize a draft of an outline of the table of contents of a glossary of a card catalog of a book collection about what's wrong with Washington (news.yahoo.com)	(77)
(New Haven Register)	The city of New Haven has decided to secede from CT and join China. No word yet as to what happens to families with more than one child (nhregister.com)	(91)
(Fox 5 San Diego)	Tongueless man arrested in emergency room after rape victim bites back (fox5sandiego.com)	(104)
	Want to look so good at your own funeral that your relatives think you might actually still be alive? Get a pacemaker (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(65)
	Advice for the start of the school year: always put a name tag on your kid in case the bus driver is an idiot (wbbm780.com)	(48)
	"Rarely does an article about dietary fat inform us that fat is an essential nutrient without which we would surely die." Bring on the bacon buffet and gravy soup (chicagotribune.com)	(81)
	Flyover state sends juveniles to camp instead of prison. You're doing it....right? (cnn.com)	(93)
	Porn-surfing thief leaves computer message bemoaning victim's office hygiene standards (thelocal.se)	(55)
	Accusations against nursing home aide who sexually abused elderly stroke victims were ignored by managing company, but they made sure he stayed out of the rooms of those patients who could only scream when they saw him (tennessean.com)	(131)
(Some Guy)	Hezbollah: "Howdy neighbors -- we're just gonna set up some mortars and rockets here so we can fire 'em at Israel." Lebanese: "How about no -- does no work for you? GTFO" (ynetnews.com)	(322)
	The police are not a taxi service and calling 911 for a ride isn't a good idea (blogs.tampabay.com)	(41)
(Some Guy)	One minute, you are sitting around at the nude beach admiring the sites.....the next you are running for your life from the cloud of chlorine gas. Just another day at the Jersey Shore (newjerseynewsroom.com)	(98)
	Prisoner in two-man cell found beaten to death. Police still searching for suspects (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(77)
	Iron Photoshop ingredient: the humble toothpick (images.google.com)	(28)
(PJ Star)	Note to electrical subcontractors: when upgrading the meters on people's houses while they're not at home, please take the time to make sure you haven't started the house on fire in the process (pjstar.com)	(53)
(York Daily Record)	"We are continuing to work through the asses" (ydr.inyork.com)	(45)
	Man sentenced for role in plot to bomb Toronto Stock Exchange over "disagreement" with Canadian foreign policy insists he isn't a hater or a lunatic (torontosun.com)	(81)
(Journal-Courier)	Hint 1: To avoid police involvement, don't call Home Depot after hours asking how to remove a large amount of blood from your carpet (myjournalcourier.com)	(87)
	Not surprising: man collapses after appendix ruptures. Not encouraging: three weeks after doctors supposedly removed it (dailymail.co.uk)	(175)
	Ahhh...nothing like a relaxing holiday in the Caribbean. British couple is poisoned by the hotel staff, stoned, stabbed and then robbed by a local gang at the beach (dailymail.co.uk)	(158)
	Just because the only claim to fame your town has is that Mozart may once have relieved himself there, don't let that stop you having a festival (metro.co.uk)	(28)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Hey kids, remember West Nile? (thenewstribune.com)	(46)
(Some Art Lover)	Artist's latest exhibit contains 50 artistic photos of unusual urban scenes. With herself in each photo. Naked (Pics artistically Not safe for work) (mirukim.com)	(243)
	Just about the cutest advancing plague you'll see today (thelocal.de)	(95)
	28 year-old woman arrested for stealing $600 worth of makeup from a CVS. With pic that proves no CVS carries enough makeup for the job. (shiver) (bostonherald.com)	(112)
	Woman busted for spraying an air freshener all over another lady smoking outside her apartment. "I will do it again, and take it to the Supreme Court because I have the right to breathe fresh air" (nwfdailynews.com)	(513)
	BBC does hard-hitting exposé of Chinglish. Submitter need lift heavy heart for when Fark mod no gift green happy light on much importance submitted link (newsvote.bbc.co.uk)	(131)
	London police instructed to remove valuables from unlocked cars to teach the owners about safety. This should end well (upi.com)	(75)
	Math teacher arrested for sexual relationship with 17 yr-old girl. Three other teachers who knew about it to be terminated, so that's four - four ruined careers ah ah ah (philly.com)	(209)
	Well-known Gun Rights advocate killed with a pillow, 43 guns stolen from his home during home invasion burglary. Calls for stricter "pillow control" laws start to the right (chicagotribune.com)	(528)
(This is Somerset)	If your car's stuck in the mud with the tide coming in then just leave it man, because it's gone (thisissomerset.co.uk)	(58)
	Photoshop theme: make a movie poster for a real life event (fark.com)	(50)
(Wired.co.uk)	Now you too can smell like a Trekkie (wired.co.uk)	(111)
	Firefighters discover structure fire is trickier than usual when the building starts shooting back (tampabay.com)	(73)
(Some Guy)	Asshat scores a .393 BAC on his 22nd DUI (ydr.inyork.com)	(190)
	The officers said they asked the costumed performer his name and he responded by shaking his head and making "squeaking noises." They said they asked him a second time and he responded: "Monkey" (upi.com)	(35)
	The next time you come up with the great idea of dumping a man alone in the wilderness for three months to make a TV show, it might be worth checking he actually has some survival training first (dailymail.co.uk)	(186)
	Houston schools to ban distribution of nude photos by text message. That should solve the problem right there (news.yahoo.com)	(68)
	Beware corrections officers, the gasman cometh (poconorecord.com)	(38)
	YouTube offers cash for smash hits. In related news, members of the "Final Countdown" cover band are besides themselves with joy (news.com.au)	(55)
	An amazing image on Google Earth could be the elusive proof that the Loch Ness Monster exists (thesun.co.uk)	(230)
(Kitsap Sun)	McDonald's employee threatens Dane Cook impersonators. "Fail" and "Photoshop" tags overwhelmed, compromise tag selected (pugetsoundblogs.com)	(56)
	Nicaragua and Costa Rica each trying to steal a river from the other by rerouting it and by clever use of flags (abcnews.go.com)	(40)
(Some Guy)	Acupuncturist gets stuck with arrest record for acting like a prick (lohud.com)	(15)
(WINK)	Sex offender challenges county ordinance in court after arrest for violating "child safety zones" that keeps sex offenders 500 feet away from anywhere children might be, which might just be anywhere (winknews.com)	(122)
	Winner of the $260,000,000 Powerball jackpot plans to use the proceeds to help pay for education in his home state of South Carolina. Suck it, Colbert (usatoday.com)	(124)
	Arts program for juvenile delinquents teaches welding and metalworking to create metal sculptures. Out of gun parts. This should end well (washingtonpost.com)	(26)
	Sen. Ted Kennedy carries on Kennedy family tradition of dying with something lodged in his brain (EDIT: highest voted TF tagline) (abcnews.go.com)	(¾)
(Some Guy)	The cat has become self-aware. Humanity's days are numbered. (No, it's not Caturday, but it is the middle of the night and things are slow) (shakespearessister.blogspot.com)	(79)
	RCMP investigate suspicious fire at Chrysler dealership. Initial suspects include everyone who has ever owned a Chrysler (edmontonjournal.com)	(40)
	Sales of Hummers are low. Do you (a) Cater to your base by adding firearms to your inventory (b) Sell other brands of cars (c) Mix things up to keep an old Fark meme interesting? (foxnews.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)	What's a BJ worth to a cop these days? A pack of cigs and a soda. With matching mug shot (theindychannel.com)	(68)
	Crystal Beth sells crystal meth by the crystal shore (nwfdailynews.com)	(30)
(KGBT-TV)	Blessed Be: Texas man not allowed to practice Wicca in prison (valleycentral.com)	(200)
(Some Guy)	The good news is that Rat Island, Alaska will soon be looking for a new name. The bad news is that calling it Bald Eagle Island has also been ruled out (mcclatchydc.com)	(57)
	Chess club is going to court in hopes of proving they were pawned by a rival chess club (tampabay.com)	(35)

Tue August 25, 2009

(Rome News-Tribune)	Fire destroys vehicle outside a car wash. If only there had been some source of water nearby (rn-t.com)	(41)
(Metapsychology Review)	"Smitten as I am, I'm pretty sure that interacting with my cat keeps me flush with oxytocin. But, probably like most people in my own culture, I still can't imagine myself picking adherent dung from her anus." (metapsychology.mentalhelp.net)	(71)
	Veterans buried at Burr Oak cemetary are entitled to one free burial. Ensuring the remains actually belong to the veteran will cost extra, however (chicagotribune.com)	(26)
	Mass trial of more than 100 Iranian protestors continues. Members of Ministry confessing, admitting that Jesus built their hotrod (abcnews.go.com)	(107)
	Everyone in New Jersey to get free Papa John's pizza (msnbc.msn.com)	(130)
	'Stress' is shrinking polar bears, w/ awwwwww pics (news.bbc.co.uk)	(57)
	Couple banned from owning pet despite taking good care of pet maggots. What? Sorry, pet's maggots (stuff.co.nz)	(95)
	That new KFC chicken sandwich has nothing on this Pizza Hut pizza, each slice is 646 calorie. Oh and the crust is filled with sausage wrapped in bacon (gizmodo.com)	(164)
	Photoshop this semi-submerged model (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(152)
(Pal Item)	High school suspends 169 students while enforcing draconian dress code that bans floral prints, plaid and stripes. The ban has proven particularly burdensome for the school's grandmothers, lumberjacks and zebras (pal-item.com)	(286)
(TVSquad.com)	LA Times accidentally lists "Jackass" in Keith Olbermann's time slot in their TV guide, paper corrects their mistake by listing "Jackass" in Bill O'Reilly's time slot (tvsquad.com)	(119)
(Some Guy)	Gated all-sorority village being built on Civil War battleground. Should make next year's re-enactment a little more interesting (wbir.com)	(73)
	An unknown species of an eyeless crustacean was discovered lurking inside a lava tube beneath the seafloor, spends its time greenlighting repeat articles (news.yahoo.com)	(86)
	Alaskan park rangers kindly ask teen to stop trying to find the 'magic bus' from 'Into the Wild' fame after they've -- twice -- had to rescue him when he got lost (dailyherald.com)	(152)
(Microsoft.com)	Microsoft Poland: Hooray for racism (dl.getdropbox.com)	(292)
	Small plane lands in mall parking lot in NJ. In the pilot's defense, it's pretty hard to find an open space in NJ that isn't a mall parking lot (philly.com)	(92)
	You know it's been a great night when you wander into the wrong house and the police find you passed out naked while the residents are screaming for help (connpost.com)	(74)
	Russia denying discovery of nuclear materials on North Korean ship, also cover-up existence of shape-changing creature found under ice (abcnews.go.com)	(70)
	Britain's main farming union issues warning about the dangers of provoking cows; many college bars to follow suit (news.yahoo.com)	(44)
(KTVU)	"He said he couldn't breathe -- which was too bad for him I guess" (ktvu.com)	(216)
	For the next 90 days, porn can be legally sold to kids in the UK. Nanny state, indeed (news.yahoo.com)	(150)
(Stanford)	A bunch of jealous pricks at Harvard claim that multitaskers don't perform well (news.stanford.edu)	(100)
	Photoshop this empty bedframe (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(56)
	SAT scores are out for the class of 2009, and they show that grads are primed to compete for jobs in the sliced potato deep frying and wool pullover folding industries (philly.com)	(242)
	Just in time for college move in, a slide show of all the dangers of living in dorms (today.msnbc.msn.com)	(152)
	Americans aren't buying government fearmongering on swine flu (abcnews.go.com)	(224)
(Slashfood)	Coming soon to a fast-food joint near you: Sweet potato fries (slashfood.com)	(211)
	What does that shirt say? "A fished motive ills." No, that's not it. "A shill defies vomit." Nope, try again. "A shovelled misfit I." Not exactly... "A most devilish life." Wait, I think that's it (wftv.com)	(441)
	David Blaine ignores lifeguard warnings not to swim and has to be rescued from high surf roiled up by Hurricane Bill. Better luck next time, Atlantic Ocean (nypost.com)	(85)
	Step aerobics celebrates 20 sweaty, jiggly, bouncy years (washingtonpost.com)	(172)
	In wake of listeriosis crisis at Maple Leaf Foods, woman concerned she got listeria from kissing Stanley Cup. MLF Exec: "You don't need to worry. The Stanley Cup hasn't been in contact with a Maple Leaf product for 42 years" (thestar.com)	(98)
	Cop investigated for feeding Pop Tarts to gorillas (myfoxtwincities.com)	(55)
	Would you make a commitment like this? (Sponsored link) (hpdeclare.mtv.com)	(100)
(KRIS)	"Man Accused Of Having Sex With Underage Teen In Court." Next time, try a hotel room (kristv.com)	(129)
	"Iraq will be a colony of Iran" (washingtonpost.com)	(299)
(wcnc.com)	If you're going to give out educational items to teachers, make sure you spell the word "education" correctly (wcnc.com)	(85)
	Toilet bowl cleaner, a fishing rod, a 25 lb bag of potting soil? Things you can buy at a Civil War battlefield...correct (myfoxdc.com)	(154)
(Fosters.com)	Police nab parrot on the lam. That's gonna make for some funky offspring (fosters.com)	(22)
	♫ Ex-bouncer man ♫ Ex-bouncer man ♫ Ex-bouncer man hates DUI man ♫ They have a fight ♫ Ex-bouncer wins ♫ Ex-bouncer man ♫ (wftv.com)	(135)
	As if being a poodle wasn't humiliating enough. Your poodle wants some dignity (telegraph.co.uk)	(80)
	Canadian government takes measures to protect what's truly important: the bacon supply (cbc.ca)	(66)
	Theme: Earn your own entry on Snopes.com (fark.com)	(85)
	Apparently, President Obama is actually Animal Chin (boston.com)	(83)
(Patriot Ledger)	If another motorist reports that you're driving erratically, mooning her will probably not help persuade the cops you're sober (patriotledger.com)	(12)
	"When confronted during the interview, he fled - and stole two more boxes of beer as ran through the front door" (telegraph.co.uk)	(38)
	The Fark mascot has joined the fight club craze. With pictures that will leave you speechless (dailymail.co.uk)	(225)
	Apple shaped women have higher risk for asthma. Pear shaped women say, LOL wut? (news.bbc.co.uk)	(114)
	Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 CCTV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984 (telegraph.co.uk)	(125)
	As God is my witness, I thought those turkeys were high (stuff.co.nz)	(29)
	Tip: When selling yourself for sexual favors, hire a babysitter (with "you'd hit it" pic) (daytondailynews.com)	(361)
(Some Guy)	Protip: When preparing to commit robbery, it's a lot easier to buy a mask or stocking rather than spray painting your face, espaecially if they're toxic (greenvilleonline.com)	(38)
	One in seven Kiwi men fear their women who keep track of them "in a controlling or frightening way" (nzherald.co.nz)	(56)
(KSDK)	Missouri legislature approves ban on tupperware instead of styrofoam, gets an F in chemistry (ksdk.com)	(82)
	Man goes fishing for catfish in Lafayette, Indiana, finds piranha instead (indystar.com)	(67)
	Feuding Alabamy family causes a riot of 150 people (hosted.ap.org)	(56)
	Shoe tying. Serious business (mcall.com)	(40)
	Vancouver police issue telephone dating warning (ctvbc.ctv.ca)	(17)
(Some Guy)	This man in Sydney makes $400 a day by: A)working in government, B)being a lawyer or C)begging (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(130)
	Worst... Comic book guys... EVER (thedenverchannel.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)	The principal from "Saved by the Bell" releases karaoke album (marketwire.com)	(49)
	Obama (Death) Panel warns that Swine Flu May Cause 90,000 US Deaths (google.com)	(220)
	Buying cold medicine will soon require an FBI background check and 6 month waiting period as new "Shake-N-Bake" Meth formula renders current anti-meth laws ineffective (startribune.com)	(320)

Mon August 24, 2009

(Some Guy)	Man shooting at dragonflies with his rifle accidentally shoots his friend in the head (gtowntimes.com)	(99)
	Teacher tackles suspect who detonated two pipe bombs, and had eight more and a chain saw, but no hall pass (abclocal.go.com)	(116)
	Doctor who must have the biggest stethoscope in the entire hospital has sex with a patient in her room with her husband just outside the door. "'What a great buzz" (dailymail.co.uk)	(84)
	If you're a veteran who recently received a letter stating that you have Lou Gehrig's disease, raise your hand. If you can do that, the letter was a mistake (news.yahoo.com)	(33)
	Chronic drunk costs San Francisco $150,000 a year. He's not homeless or broke; he just gets wasted and passes out every day. "'Doesn't cost me a thing,' he said cheerfully" (sfgate.com)	(202)
	3rd bee attack in Phoenix in five days. Police advise citizens to stay calm, and just hand over the pollen (azcentral.com)	(50)
	Study says young men who contract STDs view it as an affirmation of their manhood (thelocal.se)	(77)
	Prison officials say rumor of Bernie Madoff dying from cancer is just wishful thinking (wcbs880.com)	(39)
	Photoshop this emo trio (flickr.com)	(44)
	Los Angeles Fark Party Aug 29. LGT venue (fark.com)	(87)
	Jackson's death ruled homicide (usatoday.com)	(375)
	You are never too old to set another goal, or to dream a new dream, or to beat another man to death at the nursing home (baltimoresun.com)	(35)
(gmanews)	Getting drunk and sexually molesting and killing a 2yr old goat is no way to go through life son. Goat trifecta complete (gmanews.tv)	(65)
	Not news: Man goes to strip club on a Sunday night. Florida: While leaving two toddlers sitting in his parked car outside (orlandosentinel.com)	(53)
(Zug.com)	When Two Buck Chuck is out of your price range, you might consider these tasty alternatives (zug.com)	(130)
	Golf course groundskeeper stumbles upon 10,000-year-old mammoth tooth, so he's got that going for him (baltimoresun.com)	(85)
	Welcome to the first day of school kids. We haven't gotten the air quality reports back from the EPA or OSHA after we did those summer rehab projects, but here are some $2 dollar dust masks. You guys should be good (myfoxdc.com)	(51)
	Woman shares story about her "feminist wedding" in a manner that makes you think one day in the near future her husband will be referring to her as "my first wife" (women.timesonline.co.uk)	(553)
	You still have to pay your speeding ticket even if you are the Deputy Chief of the CIA. You definitely have to if you're lying about being the Deputy Chief of the CIA (foxnews.com)	(21)
	Someone finally cracks the ass problem (news.com.au)	(57)
	"I think people secretly love the mullet" (desmoinesregister.com)	(101)
(NBC5 Chicago)	Goat thefts on the rise in Wisconsin. Goat trifecta now in play (nbcchicago.com)	(23)
	The boy who heard too much (rollingstone.com)	(206)
(ynetnews)	Israeli city that offered money for finding a mermaid, to be sued by mermaid lobby for endangering mermaids (ynetnews.com)	(52)
	I moved a turtle (blogs.orlandosentinel.com)	(95)
	Upon hearing the news about the Lockerbie bomber, Bernie Madoff suddenly gets cancer (huffingtonpost.com)	(66)
	The next time you don't want to have sex with your husband, try showing him your bright orange undies. It works for these lizards (news.com.au)	(58)
	Warner Music: "We took all your money from your hit singles. Go away now." Roxanne Shante: "You may call me Dr. Shante" (nydailynews.com)	(163)
(Drew)	No media trends discussion this week, just a sad goodbye to one of our own before Headlines of the Week for 8/16 through 8/22 (fark.com)	(33)
	Cankles. It's not news, it's CNN.com (cnn.com)	(92)
	Coming soon to Fox: "When Alpacas attack" (thesun.co.uk)	(49)
	Town mayor revealed as underpants gnome, is arrested before reaching Phase 3) (telegraph.co.uk)	(57)
(Some Guy)	And just because the War On Liquids was going so well. Get ready for the War On Powder (boardingarea.com)	(132)
	Photoshop this head and no shoulders (flickr.com)	(49)
	Six bullshiat facts about psychology that everybody believes (cracked.com)	(462)
	Walking 18 miles on broken glass - that's quite a feet (telegraph.co.uk)	(45)
	Farmer's son spells out marriage proposal in bales of hay. It's just a good thing he wasn't a rescue worker at a plane crash (metro.co.uk)	(63)
	Nanny State to replace pub pint glasses with plastic ones to stop their use as weapons. Still no cure for bottles, knives, forks, chairs, tables, windows, etc (news.bbc.co.uk)	(98)
	Special appetite suppressing lip balm goes on sale in England. Early testers describe it as "strangely salty" (metro.co.uk)	(40)
	The U.S. manufacturing sector is on the upswing. In related news, the U.S. apparently still has a manufacturing sector (upi.com)	(61)
	Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman has a message for actor Alec Baldwin, who is reportedly considering a move to Connecticut to challenge Lieberman in 2012: "Make my day" (wcbs880.com)	(169)
	Enter your Huckleberry Finn, choose sausage and mash, and then you can get a Lady Godiva, a speckled hen, a Commodore, or pony (news.bbc.co.uk)	(78)
(Winona Daily News)	My car's fan belt is squeaking, can you change it? And by the way, ignore any noises from the trunk. I have a goat in there painted purple and gold with Brett Favre's number shaved into its side (winonadailynews.com)	(95)
(Some Guy)	U.S. Army actually holds contest to see which base in Iraq sucks the most (theredbulls.org)	(96)
(Some Guy)	Reports claim that the seventy-four year old man armed himself with a brick one night and waited patiently by the pedestrian crossing. Subsequently, he attacked every car that went through the red lights at that crossing point (weirdasianews.com)	(141)
	Visit New York's new High Line park. Come for the lush greenery. Come again for the Standard hotel guests performing sex acts in front of floor-to-ceiling hotel windows (nypost.com)	(146)
	Ric Romero reports that phony employment scams could cost you money (abclocal.go.com)	(66)
	Residents misled by flyers with warnings about bad water. In related news, Mississippi moon is still encouraged to keep on shinin' (wftv.com)	(57)
	Woman on trial for faking a psychotic break as part of an art project pleads not guilty, presumably for reasons of diminished mental capacity (thelocal.se)	(44)
	Blogger to sue Google for complying with a court order. This will undoubtedly end with her winning a large cash settlement to go with the magical fairies and unicorns she lives with in whatever world she comes from (news.com.au)	(152)
	The bikini section of the Miss Universe competition has had some minor changes implemented this year (telegraph.co.uk)	(118)
	Photoshop these models seeing red (s.wsj.net)	(36)
	Arthur Frommer, author of the travel guides that bear his name, vows to avoid Arizona because "thugs" and "extremists" are allowed to openly carry firearms (foxnews.com)	(455)
	Man decides pointing a semi-automatic handgun at his friend coming out of the bathroom to scare him is an awesome prank - with obvious results. Shockingly, alcohol was involved (indystar.com)	(157)
	If you have a problem with your boss at Wal-Mart, take the matter up with Human Resources. Beating your boss with an aluminum baseball bat will only give you additional problems (boston.com)	(76)
(WINK)	The first rule of College Club is that police will bust dozens of you before your first day of classes. "I think it's a phenomenon happening on a lot of college campuses," says concerned grandma (winknews.com)	(96)
	Man wanted for killing his swimsuit model wife decides he'll just hang out till the cops come to get him (tmz.com)	(213)
(Santa Ynez Valley News)	Plane crash lands on California Highway 101, is immediately cited for merging without signaling (syvnews.com)	(104)
(Some Guy)	If you're the bastard who stuck some dude's ass to a toilet seat, the police would like a word with you (illawarramercury.com.au)	(157)