Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-04-26

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Sun April 26, 2009

	Newest thing in car tech? Device that limits teenagers from driving over 80. Back in my day, we called that a Chevette	(270)
(Some Photo Guy)	Photoshop this big shooter	(44)
	70-year old man dies saving two young boys from drowning. Just this time, Hero trumps Florida tag	(138)
	ACLU fighting to protect "pranksters and protestors" from sex-offender registry. If you have no idea what that means, here's a picture of a naked man with a pumpkin on his head	(317)
	Jeremy Clarkson on quitting drinking: "I no longer have to spend the morning clinging onto things. And I haven't had a lumpy yawn for a whole week now. Perhaps that's why I'm still fat. I've stopped vomiting"	(124)
	Old and busted: Salmonella-tainted peanuts. New Hotness: Swine-flu tainted pork	(154)
	Photoshop this festive, flare-fisted Frenchman	(42)
	Brothels cut prices, offer discounts, loyalty cards and 'extras', to beat the recession	(131)
	Tons of WWII artifacts lay on the bottom of Lake Michigan, from training mistakes in the 40's, as plane is lifted from the waters (w/pics)	(92)
	The ravages of man-bird-pig flu continues as US declares national health emergency. Expect martial law and quarantine camps by Friday	(845)
	1999 Join Department; 2001 Threaten to kill wife; 2005 Shoot and kill unarmed suspect; 2008 Officer of the Year; 2008 Drunk Driving Arrest; 2009 Shoot self in leg at local bar - Typical career of Council Bluffs, Iowa Police Officer	(93)
	Lighthouse keeper opens the most isolated café in Scotland. While I respect that a lot, I'd be fired if that were my job, after killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts	(114)
(Albany Times Union)	If you're not willing to eat a bowl of woodchuck and parsnip you don't deserve to survive this depression	(199)
	Paramedics have heart attack victim walk down three flights of stairs, decide maybe that little factoid could be left out of the official report on his death	(86)
	Arizona will spend $1.5 million stimulus money replacing obsolete metric signs with shiny new American signs	(200)
(Standard Times)	Power to Bristol County jail will be turned off Monday because Massachusetts politicians stopped bailing out sheriffs who routinely exceed their budgets	(48)
	Engineers make math error while installing poles on field, instability ensues	(109)
(Some Guy)	The strongest 72-year-old you'll ever meet. They'll say, "Is he still alive? He lifts weights? You got to be kidding. He was old then."	(75)
	Pirates attack Italian cruise ship, repelled by Jewish ninjas	(244)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this NASA part test	(49)
	Michael Jackson pulls out of renting 28-bedroom mansion for his family on hearing it's haunted. Because you don't want your children staying in a place where they'll have the willies put up them	(76)
	Man gets called into work so he can be fired, returns home to find his house on fire. Wishes he had been laid off	(80)
	Soon to be added to MI6 spy training handbook: Please don't leave a non-encrypted memory stick containing details of all our secret anti-drug operations on a bus. In Columbia	(58)
	Chicago man opens up a hot dog stand that employs only ex-cons, with the slogan "Home of the misdemeanor wiener"	(56)
	Shots fired into crowd of student rioters at Kent State University. This is not a repeat from 1970	(153)
	Four things to consider before you try to join the Amish. "Are all Amish women as smoking hot as Kelly McGillis?" curiously absent	(115)
	Utah Republicans defeat a resolution they believe was part of a satanic plan sponsored by the Democratic party and an 'invisible government.' "Satan's ultimate goal is to destroy the family."	(395)
(KMTV)	Mary Cronin, Westside High Class of '83, wants you to join her on Classmates.com. Problem is, she was murdered in 1992	(141)
	Man sent to hospital with 22cm angle grinder blade lodged in his face. "He had a deep cut which went from just above his teeth, through his top lip, through his nose and one of his eyes and into his skull"	(105)
	Photoshop this bubble bath	(48)
	It takes a special kind of moran to toss two large paint thinner drums onto a bonfire at a birthday party	(110)

Sat April 25, 2009

(WSPA.com)	Man finds Hidden Falls, falls	(51)
	Town residents use mosquitoes as "teen repellent" to keep kids from loitering in streets, off their lawns	(76)
	Ugly-ass baby chimp born at Dallas Zoo. With awww pic	(49)
	Teachers pose topless for calendar spread to raise money for cancer research. Hilarity ensues	(155)
(Some Chick)	While mom is being busted for running a meth lab in their mobile home with their three small children inside, dad drives slowly by and is arrested for running a meth lab in their car	(65)
	Today's "science confirms what you already knew" segment: Eating tofu really does make you a sissy boy	(164)
	Meet the world's smallest bodybuilder (video)	(59)
(Some Iowan)	Veteran Iowa City PD evidence manager oversees two "caves" stuffed with unfathomable amounts of drugs, ninja swords, barbaric maces, and exactly one shrunken head	(71)
	For an office prank, boss pretends to shoot a co-worker. Employee oversees the 'shooting', bloodies himself jumping two razor wire fences, sprints half a mile to call 911, sending police in force. Good times	(95)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop your own brand name knockoff	(79)
	Finally, a Bea Arthur story you can't fap to	(453)
(Some Chick)	After a landslide unearths a 9' by 4' rock formation in the shape of a hand in his backyard, man calls it the "Hand of God" and believes it was put there to help him financially. eBay bidding begins at $100	(158)
	The Google maps alphabet from A to Z (Aerial Photos)...Warning - slide show	(54)
(News2)	Teens carrying replica handguns for "protection" Police- "You're doing it wrong."	(78)
	The future king of England is going bald at 26 [pic]	(251)
	Mother of the Year candidate didn't seek treatment for her burned son because she didn't want to pay for the ambulance. (with scary mugshot)	(192)
(Some Guy)	Old: Dog bites. New: Dog maces family. Your dog really wants his own taser	(15)
	Texas residents will now have to pay if they choose to be a dumbass, literally	(130)
	President Mexico City: "SHUT...DOWN...EVERYTHING"	(469)
(Some Guy)	Wisconsin teen charged with felony burglary, possession of burglar tools and bail jumping in an effort to: A) Raise money for his sick mother's surgery B) Gang Initiation C) raise money to pay a lawyer to defend him on other charges	(37)
	Fark you, squirrel	(73)
	Nanny state holiday resort cuts down all its palm trees in case muggers 'hide behind them'	(52)
	For nearly the price of a car you can buy a "Bling Bikini" in Europe...How's that recession thingy going for YOU?	(94)
	Pull out the 2-up, grab a beer, and wish a happy ANZAC day to all our Aussie and Kiwi farkers. Lest we Forget	(114)
	Woman says she feels only pity and hope for man who bound, gagged and blindfolded her in the trunk of her own car then abandoned her to die as he drank champagne	(62)
	Photoshop this ominous clocktower	(54)
	Ceiling owl is watching you buy tools and lumber. YARLY	(43)
	Ex-Louisiana KKK chief David Duke wrote a Czech his butt won't be able to cash	(210)
(goldcoast.com)	22-pound cat named Lion put on a strict diet. With adorable pictures and video for Caturday	(361)
	So many dangerously unqualified idiots are climbing Mount Everest that Nepal Telcom is providing cell phone coverage for the mountain so they can dial 911 when their espresso machines break on the way to the summit	(76)
	"At 41 cents per 100 calories, White Castle's snack-sized cheeseburger bested every other sandwich in our survey when it came to cost per calorie"	(97)
	What skills do you have that would be useful in a post apocalypse world? (with voting)	(606)
(Some Guy)	If you find a .22 cartridge in your yard do you: A. Bury it. B. Soak it in water then throw it away. C. Hit it with a hammer and shoot yourself in the stomach?	(69)
	Problem: tiny town gets infested with millions of bugs. Solution: deploy Led Zeppelin	(70)
	Ever wonder how Wal-Mart is able to offer prescription drugs for such low prices? Turns out they've been getting them via illegal alien couriers	(130)
(Some Guy)	Couple caught having sex in dumpster. I told you she was trash	(74)
	Photoshop this hanging phone	(33)
	Former pirate hostage blasts Rush Limbaugh for mocking President Obama by calling three, sniper-picked-off pirates "black teenagers."	(666)

Fri April 24, 2009

	Typing error leads police to grab a man off the street and lock him up for several days. Harry Tuttle nods his head in understanding before being taken away	(38)
	13 injured in Tennessee fish fry accident. Where is your cod now?	(64)
(ClarionLedger)	Six arrested in Hattiesburg prostitution sting (w/ "there is not enough eye bleach" mugshots)	(171)
	Swine flu kills dozens in Mexico as there is now concern over possible global pandemic, bacon shortage	(163)
(Some Guy)	Teacher shows student more than geography - blue lines are not roads (with pic)	(111)
	Bring in the tiny violin for constipated Oklahoma City bomber. No, not that one, the smaller one	(176)
(Some Girls)	Caption this rumor mill	(58)
	Apparently there's a new Cannonball Run sequel filming in Oregon	(98)
	The Portsmouth City Council was "freaked out" by a mannequin seated outside a local boutique. FREAKED OUT	(64)
	With budget impasse still unresolved, legislature debates whether new Christian license plate should have stained glass, cross or Jesus Chainsaw Massacre displayed	(66)
	This week's TSG mugshot roundup: It's all fun & games until Obama shows up	(227)
	Where do birds strike planes most frequently? Howbout the air, durrrr	(46)
(Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)	Rashida Jones loves Fark (from her Internet Personality Test)	(211)
(Riverfront Times)	Missouri woman's anxiety disorder is only appeased by her pet monkeys. All 26 of them	(78)
	Eskimos have over 30 words for GTFO	(155)
	In today's 'the economy is screwed' news: Woman tries to sell her 5-month-old son for $10,000 to get money for a new apartment	(95)
(lehighvalleylive)	N.J. senator wants federal money to educate teens about Web safety and to fight 'sexting.' Uh, isn't that the parents' job?	(220)
	Photoshop this smoking solitary woman	(62)
	Top 10 fashion fads that need to come back. Wait it wasn't cool to wear a fanny pack?	(420)
	You're in the middle of the jungle and you got an old Boeing 727 laying around, what do you do? Build the coolest luxurious hotel, of course	(63)
	Drew Peterson dragged two of his children along with him for his latest morning show appearance Friday and sat by while one explained his murdered mother's death away, saying, "Accidents happen all the time."	(86)
	Finally, art that we can all agree has intrinsic value - a board full of photos of politicians that gallery visitors can shoot with an air rifle	(50)
	Study finds that denial can bring marital bliss. Submitter doesn't know what the hell they're talking about, my marriage is just fine the way it is	(347)
	The economy is getting so bad, animals are now being fired from the Bronx Zoo	(71)
	Owners in DC don't own the land between their front door and the sidewalk, but they are responsible for maintenence. It's why you can get a ticket for drinking beer on your front porch or a ticket for parking in your driveway	(214)
	When Pakistan eventually collapses into chaos, the Pentagon has a plan to go into the country and seize its 100 nukes so the Taliban can't get them	(550)
	Woman gets fired after employer noticed she was updating her Facebook page after calling in sick to work	(244)
	Berlin to host the second annual international toad song contest, which will be sponsored by Bud. Weis. Er	(27)
	When someone owns the world's fattest hedgehog you can be sure The Sun will be there (pics)	(36)
	Chinese firms often copycat brand names by switching a couple of letters around. Here's a couple of companies that are doing it all wrong	(140)
	ACLU turns its grim visage upon the greatest threat to civil liberties: banned personalized license plates. Bonus: "IM4BEEF' and "GAYSROK" were OK, but "MERLOT" was not	(127)
	The forgotten victims of the recession: the world's actual poor people, not the people who are three months behind on their payments on the 46" LCD TV and X-Box	(172)
	Meh, just a fractured spine. Here, have these crutches	(65)
	Software on red light cameras isn't yet sophisticated enough to realize it shouldn't ticket you if a police officer is waving you through the red light	(101)
(Some Guy)	Car salesman dies at NASCAR race, but as his obit notes, "We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all New 2008 Hummer H2's"	(118)
	College students use Facebook to engineer a siege of the college library chanting "Let us in" and "Take the Library". Seriously, the library? You're doing it wrong	(81)
	One-eyed, three-legged alligator discovered on beach. Happy Gilmore pounces on it, beats almighty snot out of it	(51)
	Latest unintended consequence of the recession? Men are abandoning boxer shorts and buying tighty whiteys instead. Really	(319)
	If the invasive Snakehead fish continues to thrive in MD, it could mean big problems. That is, until we learn that it tastes good with a cold beer and covered in Old Bay seasoning, then we'll fish it to extinction like the Blue Crab	(190)
	Great Train Robber trying to get parole, remake with George Clooney and Brad Pitt	(34)
(Some Guy)	Canadian man takes it upon himself to conduct empirical test proving that the average Ferrari is still faster than the average police cruiser	(170)
	Gripped by the recession's steely hands, more Americans are starting to pull out their earbuds, adjust their fannypacks, and rethink the definition of the word "necessity"	(188)
	Gas company says there is no silver bullet for preventing hypothermia deaths. Well, except for leaving the gas turned on, but that would be ridiculous	(134)
	An apartment rental company wants $2,060 in unpaid rent, late fees and early termination fees from a man. One problem. He can't pay it because was MURDERED	(136)
	German parents who abandoned their children in an Italian restaurant did so because they had run out of money. Clearly they've never heard of eBay	(46)
	Today's Friday Photo Fun from our buddys at TSG. Match the perp to the talking head with the same name. This one looks tough. Contest ends at 4pm Eastern	(70)
	Friends of accused Craigslist killer: "You got the wrong guy" Cops: "Um, the gun found in his apt. has been matched as the gun that killed a woman." Friends: "......oh....."	(243)
	Coolest farking pastor ever cited for a bow and arrow demonstration in church, later charged with keeping a concealed pistol under his body armor	(62)
	Badly mixed supplement to blame for polo horse deaths, most of the home runs hit in the 1990s	(50)
	Man desperately needed bone marrow transplant to save his life, but in a pool of seven million donors not a single one was a match. So his 9-year-old daughter saves her fathers life by being the youngest bone marrow donor in history	(151)
(Las Vegas Sun)	Ivy Leaguer 'infiltrates' Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, discovers that students are "rigorously normal," watch R-rated movies, fret about getting into law school, and have impure thoughts. Who knew?	(165)
(WFSB)	Man outraged by dogs "doing their business" in cemetery because the only thing scarier than zombies, is zombies covered in dog poo	(72)
	Auditions for new Hellraiser movie go horribly wrong	(128)
	Swedish man jailed for blowing his nose all over a shop assistant. It's snot news, it's Fark.com	(34)
	The world's biggest beer mat company has declared itself bankrupt. Raise your glasses and enjoy the beer mat gallery	(78)
	Woman's husband is shot and killed. Her attempt to get his life insurance payout is denied by the insurance company. Because he had Hep C	(277)
(Some Guy)	Step 1: Organize bomb threat on school to get day off school. Step 2: Drop out of school, have school discover bomb threat and press charges. Step 3: Fark	(38)
	Photoshop theme: New uses for outdated technology	(44)
	Just like car loans and mortgages, marriages should be set up into 5- and 10-year contracts	(265)
	Two men attack 84-year old, limp away in pain. World War II veterans know they're cool	(107)
	Police officer shoots bear running away from circus. Circus calls action ursinine, while grizzled officer says "Oh pooh, grunt and bear it." Bear	(41)
	Ding Dong "Who is it?" "Land Gator" "Oh, Charles, are you pretending to be that awful Land ... OH MY GOD NOOOOO"	(81)
	And then there's that special level of stupid for those people who run stop signs, while smoking joints, carrying 209 pot plants in open back seat of car	(77)
	If someone had just paid $100,000 for Hitler's paintings in the 1920s instead of now, we could have avoided a whole lot of things	(115)
	Hardin, Montana completed a new jail in 2007 that is still empty, and they want to fill it with Gitmo detainees. Which begs the question, who the hell builds a jail they didn't need in the first place?	(104)
	Circus tells clown he can't wear oversized shoes because of health concerns. "It's a real balancing act."	(24)
	Protip: If you're the Head of a school and you send 61 students home in one day for uniform violations, make sure your own Facebook page doesn't have a picture of you as a scruffy teenager	(137)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this complex Klein bottle	(43)
	CDC adds arborists to list of most dangerous jobs. Next year's crop of 'reality' shows to include Xtreme Arborists, Tougher in Trees	(73)

Thu April 23, 2009

(Some Guy)	Now PTA Moms are getting in on the schoolboy fun, brought to you by Baldwin, NY	(155)
	Don't you hate it when you go to the dentist to have a few teeth pulled and you drop dead a few hours later?	(95)
(CO Springs Gazette)	Would you rather be chased by a bear or hit by a car? One pregnant lady didn't have to choose	(62)
	Policewoman admits to using Jedi mind tricks during interviews with suspects: "I have even started calling my probationer, as a joke, my Padawan. Although I am not sure he likes that" (bonus: She's cute)	(154)
	Director of Nebraska CSI accused of planting evidence in murder investigation. YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH	(109)
(Gulf-Times)	Ugly-ass "mysterious figure" spotted by woman who managed to take a picture, despite being terribly frightened: " it suddenly disappeared out of their sight" (with creepy pic)	(277)
(Some Guy)	Sign on I-5 says "Bear Left". They're not kidding	(60)
	Latest media-created "trend" is women leaving their husband or boyfriend for a woman: "Lately, a new kind of sisterly love seems to be in the air"	(263)
(Some Dead Uncle)	Photoshop this 1956 Disneyland Showboat Revue	(46)
	Having solved all other problems, Alabama House passes resolution praising Miss California USA. No, she still won't sleep with you	(395)
(NBC Washington)	New resident in The White House has a foot fetish. No, not him. No, not her either	(94)
	Ad aimed at increasing Alberta tourism uses picture of a British beach. "There's no attempt to make people think that this is Alberta". Wait...what?	(107)
	Australia's Miss Universe contest, which calls itself an event that promotes "healthy, proportioned bodies," allows a bag of antlers to become a finalist	(230)
	Entomologist dies in avocado grove accident. Holy Guacamole	(62)
	Meet Britain's youngest female funeral director: she's hotter than a crematorium and has a body to die for	(292)
	Iowa may pass law making it easier to purchase alcohol in rural areas. And honestly, if you're in a rural area in Iowa, there's really nothing to do but drink and have sex, and it's not always easy to get the second without the first	(127)
	Millions of people jobless. Billions of dollars in bailouts. Trillions of dollars in U.S. debt. And yet, for the first time in years, more Americans than not say the country is on the right track	(539)
	Four magic words: Naked Wizard Taser Brawl. The reviews are in and it's already being called, "The best Tasering video since 'Don't Tase me bro'"(Totally Not safe for work)	(604)
	Pennsylvanians get to do something they've never done before: Buy a six-pack at a grocery store. Said a customer, "This is so civilized"	(294)
	"Disabled friendly" parking meters so low to ground that normal people need to get on their knees to feed them. Bonus: Wheelchair people also hate them	(66)
	Article asks, "Can Iraqis tweet their way to a state of normalcy?" 5:12 a.m., bombs dropped, wall fell in onto my extended family and they're dead. Toilet saved, tho... will be pooping in 5 minutes	(56)
	Couple living near Camp Ripley in Minnesota would really like an 'I'm sorry' after army includes them on list of artillery range targets (pic)	(111)
	Vaginas with teeth? Genitals are connected to your nose? Sewing machines cause lesbianism? Masturbation shrinks boobies? Your mom's a whore? It's as likely as you think	(169)
	If you're an adult driving around with a teen girl sleeping in your backseat, the last thing you want cops to find when they pull you over is a picture of you kissing the girl and a home pregnancy test	(130)
	Indian tribe seeking restitution for lands lost in the 1800s. They plan to Sioux	(244)
	Bristol Palin's ex says he may go to court for custody of their son, Tripp -- which is eskimo for "hey will you please beat me up?"	(304)
	As a rule of thumb, just assume that everyone you plan to punch in the face in a fit of road rage is an off-duty police chief	(63)
(Some Guy)	Rodeo star accused of performing equine dentistry without a license. You heard it straight from the horse's mouth	(35)
	Whale protection research vessel collides with endangered whale. Officials say blubbering would serve no porpoise - it was just a fluke, and they've made the best out of a bad cetacean	(75)
	Nanny State gives convicted violent criminals community sentences full of such punishment as fly-fishing trips and gardening lessons rather than just stick them somewhere unpleasant, like jail	(61)
	Chewing gum can make you smarter, thinner, fix the economy and bring peace to the Middle East. So says a study from the Wrigley Science Institute	(58)
	Forget global warming, food shortages are going to kill off civilization long before then anyway	(327)
(Some Guy)	TV station plans special report on child abduction by driving slowly around in an SUV and seeing if kids walking home from school will approach the vehicle when reporters call out to them. Hilarity does not ensue	(113)
	Iowa's marriage saga continues as judges realize they don't have to grant same-sex marriages... as long as they don't grant any marriages whatsoever. "It's not discrimination if you refuse to do it for everyone"	(539)
	Terrorists free 77 year old german tourist after three months, but not before stealing her face	(55)
	Not wanting to waste their time with a lemonade stand, two fifth-graders arrested for selling weed at their elementary school	(109)
(Some Maineiac)	If you're pulled over for a missing front plate and the cop asks if he can search your vehicle, it's ok to say no. Especially if you have a pound and a half of weed in the trunk	(205)
(Some Lock And Weir)	Photoshop this sluice gate raiser-upper chap	(39)
	British couple have a Shrek cosplay wedding. With "what a couple of Farquaads" pic	(127)
	Dangerous cougar that attacked four people has been caught. Will be fitted with a tracking device and released into the wild	(116)
	Beer brewing like the mothers of old...in your backyard	(165)
	Wisconsin school district sued over holding its graduations at area megachurch. Jonah the Jew, Muhammad the Muslim, here's your diploma. Now burn in hell	(311)
(Some Guy)	"Hey dad, where is the sugar?" "Oh, it's right there in the cupboard next to the Rottweiler"	(111)
	Old and busted: hookups in singles bars and discos. New hotness: hookups on a Twister mat and building Jenga towers	(80)
	Craigslist CEO: "I would not describe any section of our site as sex-related"	(149)
	Unknown person leaves a live shark outside a newspaper office. You read about this on the internet	(66)
	Before there were iPod-wearing, introverted Emos, there were Boombox-toting idiots who blasted their stuff to the entire neighborhood. BONUS: Boombox gallery included	(180)
(The Hawk Eye)	"Happy 420" graffiti discovered at high school. Principal: "I just heard this afternoon that it was, like, national pot day. I had never heard that before."	(120)
	Auto-tune the news. Couric rocks the beat	(102)
	To honor Earth Day, Jones Soda company powered its headquarters entirely by cycle power. Suck it, Gilligan	(106)
	Photoshop this trusting trooper	(27)
	"Fox Stands on Hind Legs Like a Dog." Okay, it's balanced -- but is it fair?	(49)
	Bad: Daughter racks up large phone bill. Good: Parents force daughter to repay the bill by working. Fark: As a prostitute	(104)
	Mother successfully defeats school dress code requiring tucked-in shirts. Her reason? The Bible requires modesty, and a tucked in shirt reveals a bottom	(220)
	Training manual for Chinese police leaked online and yes, it's about as frightening as you'd assume	(161)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 207: "Frankly My Deer, I Don't Give a Dam" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(168)

Wed April 22, 2009

	High school student whips out his penis during English class, begins masturbating furiously while screaming the names of his classmates. Sounds like someone's been watching a little too much Daffy Duck	(295)
	Better beer through bioengineering? To the laboratory	(53)
	Protip: If you're going to use your job at the state tax department to steal taxpayers' identities, it's not a good idea to leave 2000 Post-It notes around the house detailing your targets' finances	(44)
(Some Guy)	You may want to think about getting a divorce if your wife beats you so much, you have to use a taser to make her stop	(72)
	Forget the fact that she'll rip your face off and eat it like a slop-sloppy joe, the cutest and newest addition to the Bronx Zoo making her public debut today	(60)
	Quaker parrots knock out electricity. HA HA	(78)
	If you're going to watch a movie involving screams and gunshots, make sure the volume isn't maxed out and your window isn't open for your neighbors to hear, as they might suspect you're killing someone inside	(41)
	Miss California may have grounds for a discrimination lawsuit against the Miss USA, thanks to Flamey McBloggy Attent-o-whorey-pants	(756)
	Photoshop this Indian man at the polls	(46)
	Police chief: "Yeah, umm, sorry about arresting that autistic kid. We thought he was drunk"	(98)
	Sixth case of measles detected in DC metro area outbreak. Outlook is spotty	(134)
	Colorado lawmakers to make seatbelt violations a primary traffic offence in order to get $20 million fro ... sorry, To Make Roads Safer	(180)
	Protip: If you get kicked out of a library for looking at porn, don't stand around outside leering at kids while holding "a notebook with a listing of children's names next to descriptions of sexual acts"	(133)
(Some Guy)	Knock, knock. Who's there? Stabby. Stabby who--owwww	(61)
	Worst. Logo. Ever	(518)
	After getting beat up by a homeless man when she tried to give him a cheeseburger, woman does the logical thing and sues a nearby McDonald's and a liquor store. "I told him he was an ungrateful bastard"	(239)
	Sparrow uses lit cigarette to build its nest, causes £250,000 house fire (pics)	(141)
	Today's teen sexting kerfuffle brought to you by the small Pennsylvania town of Tunkhannock where the progressive DA threatened to label an 11 year old girl a pedophile because someone sent a photo of her wearing a gasp bathing suit	(401)
	Evil stare of the beast of Bodmin captured on film, scaring a Cornish town couple: "This is not the sort of animal you would expect to find roaming in the countryside" (with pic)	(121)
	Crocodiles on a plane: "two of them broke their head-ropes and began thrashing around. The plane was shaking. The pilot was turning and raising his eyebrows"	(75)
	It's bad enough when the police kick down your door while you're out, but when they send you a bill for the damages, that's just rude	(92)
	Woman who bought $900,000 condo in new Chicago Trump Tower upset that law firm's lights shine through her window; things could be worse, it could be a Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant next door	(259)
(Philadelphia Bulletin)	While you celebrate Earth Day, say a word of thanks to its co-founder Ira Einhorn, whose other achievement was killing his girlfriend and hiding her decomposing corpse inside the wall of his apartment for 18 months before fleeing to France	(201)
	Retired Vietnam soldier turned gravedigger explains the significance of burying soldiers killed in action	(196)
	Teacher sends a 5-year-old home with a bag of poop. "This little turd was on the floor in my room"	(238)
(Journal-Star)	"...a stripper allegedly used a vibrator to anally penetrate a fraternity pledge during an initiation party." She can't do that to our pledges Only we can do that to our pledges	(251)
	TARP wife complains about not wanting to be "spotted climbing into a taxi, laden with Bergdorf Goodman shopping bags" Won't somebody think of the TARP wives???	(288)
	British man defies "Supersize Me" documentary, eats McDonald's for 30 days and claims to have lost 15lbs: "There is good food in almost any restaurant you go in to"	(343)
(Some Guy)	Teacher/student sex suspect gets off on a technicality, teenage boys	(87)
	Now listen up people -- just because there's a new President in office, doesn't mean you can bring chain saws, guns, snakes or fireworks on planes	(53)
	Woman drives to random coffee shops in Edmonton to hand out $100 bills to strangers. "Happy spring"	(53)
	Photoshop Challenge: What other items should the Octomom sell under her new trademark?	(61)
	Man attacks cops with medieval battle ax, dagger and broad sword. No cleric needed, level 12 Elf Warrior unavailable for comment	(162)
	Hijacked train released in India after demands to be rerouted to Cuba are denied	(41)
	Once again, apparently some of you missed the memo: hiding in your soon-to-be-ex-wife's trunk then biting her elbow while she drives will NOT win her back	(40)
	If you can tell the difference between fabric conditioner and milk, there's a nurse in a British hospital who could do with some remedial classes	(68)
	US now charging a 100% tariff for Italian bottled water as a revenge for the EU ban on US beef. Because it's always a great idea to screw with Italians	(234)
(Some Guy)	Televangelist Joel Osteen and his hot Stepford wife rent Yankee Stadium for $1.5 million so he can preach on Saturday, gets 10% discount for performing exorcism on right field wall	(254)
	The acting head of Freddie Mac, David Kellerman, has committed suicide	(671)
	Somalia to U.S.: "Hey can you help us set up a pseudo-military group of people who weren't good enough to get into real branches of the military --- um....how do you say.....'Coast Guard'? "	(230)
	There is now a black hole both inside and outside the UK treasury	(19)
	If you're a strict Christian and don't believe in sex before marriage, the ideal place to work is obviously.....a strip club	(85)
	Virginia parking meter repairman steals $170,000, or over 4 tons worth of coins, in under a year. That's change we can believe in	(56)
(Some Guy)	"The two thought about calling 911 when they heard gunshots but started making out instead"	(30)
	Judge rules KKK Imperial Wizard's son is too stupid to stand trial for murder with his dad. Behold, the master race	(133)
	World piracy doubles in first quarter 2009 due to Somalia. Still no cure for Tropic of Cancer	(41)
	Man survives three days lost in the Arctic, makes it home by riding on the backs of polar bears seeking icebergs	(56)
	Experts warn of more "familicides", which is the murder of an entire family by a family member. EVERYBODY PANIC	(83)
(San Bernardino Sun)	Police raid on skinheads leads to maternity wards where pregnant "Aryan Princesses" sought to induce labor on Hitler's birthday	(229)
	Ugly-ass baby roo, after being abandoned by its mother, is being nursed by three countries (w/ugly-ass pic)	(13)
	Man sues after being hit in the head with a discus. Says he faces hurdles daily and has now hired a P.R. firm to track and field calls from the media. The bar is set high, but he thinks he can win his case. Javelin	(41)
(KSL)	Got a brain tumor? No problem, just sting yourself with a scorpion	(36)
	Mexican drug cartel leader asks members to avoid heavy drinking, narcotics and lead a "clean family life"	(36)
	City's IT director denies downloading 24,466 porn images onto his office computer, and he definately didn't organize everything into directories	(98)
(The Argus)	If a blue painted Smurf is coming at you with a metal baseball bat it probably means he doesn't want to be friends	(40)
	"Police say a man dressed liked a ninja used a sword in an attempt to rob a Weymouth dry cleaner"	(44)
	Doctors tell woman 'sorry, you'll just have to go blind' because she has the wrong postal code	(82)
	Photoshop this perpendicular pilot	(77)
	California county will now charge marijuana growers for the cost of destroying the seized plants, apparently unaware that there are millions of people who would do it for them for free	(97)
	Two men turn love of bacon into job: "Everything should taste like bacon; that's the motto"	(102)

Tue April 21, 2009

(Some Guy)	Women go to work like men go to war: "The average woman's handbag contains a make-up bag, a camera phone, a diary, a book or magazine, an umbrella, an iPod and a hairbrush, plus painkillers, a wallet and hand cream"	(261)
	To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the bank bailout may be susceptible to catastrophic fraud	(170)
	If you are going to make a sign for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagogg chaubunagungamaugg, don't spell it Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagogg chaubunaguhgamaugg	(167)
(Vancouver Sun)	ER staff call ambulance for unconscious man...10 feet from ER, "That's asinine" (actual quote)	(149)
	Woman calls 911, fakes miscarriage using animal tissue. Won't someone think of the fake children?	(73)
	Many modern women lack good manners and are also foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured. "Maybe men are at fault"	(337)
	Twelve year old boy is not only in college already, he's double majoring and has a 3.83 GPA, no chance of ever getting laid	(279)
	Ok, let's go over this again. If you're a preacher who drives a Bentley and owns multiple luxury homes, at least make an attempt to pay your taxes	(131)
	If you're going to steal $7000 worth of computers and iPods from the Wal-Mart you work at, don't post those items for sale on the employee bulletin board at that same Wal-Mart	(79)
	In case it wasn't obvious to everybody, when Kellogg says eating Mini-Wheats will improve your attentiveness by 20%, there might be slightly inaccurate science at play here	(79)
	The results of this breakdancing study just in. File under: "things we all knew 25 years ago"	(65)
(Some Guy)	Five hour police standoff ends when police discover suspect isn't home	(42)
(Ntnews)	Mother of three is witness of UFO sighting, has irrefutable proofs of alien-life thanks to her mobile phone: "Those aliens - they must have some pretty good airconditioning in those things" (with pic)	(123)
	Idaho judge known for interpreting the law in a literal manner takes on the meaning of "gag order", applies duct tape liberally	(32)
	If you get caught grabbing girl's breast in the subway, "It's a free country" is unlikely to work your way in court	(95)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Theme: Rejected PBS shows (LGTE)	(65)
	I'll be taking these Huggies, and whatever cash ya got	(118)
	If you're going to do the old 'hairspray flamethrower' trick, it may be wise to do it outside	(85)
	Today, the United States Supreme Court has overruled the infamous Belton case. What that means to all you non-lawyers, is that the police may now need a warrant to search your car	(379)
	"A new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists planning attacks against Americans"	(109)
	Today's special legal tip: if you're on trial for sexual assault, try to avoid using the phrase "When women become hysterical, it is necessary sometimes to slap them to bring them round"	(151)
	Don't you hate it when your boss shows up at your wedding and announces she slept with the groom (w/ picture of the happy trio)	(174)
	Woman sends stripper to high school reunion in her place	(217)
	Earthquake in Alabama. Y'ALL PANIC	(206)
	Not news: 19 year old girl passes out in back of boyfriends car. News: Car is stolen with girlfriend still in it. Fark: Police find girl in car hours after it was stolen, still passed out	(80)
	"Culberson admitted to tying his own hands and feet, and inventing the suspects' vehicle and weapon descriptions that he gave to sheriff's deputies in an attempt to make his girlfriend feel bad for leaving him" (mugshot)	(72)
	When your state is 49th in the nation for education, what do you do? Lay off 4,000 teachers of course	(251)
	An American breaks back in the top 25 for the FBI's most wanted terrorist list. USA USA USA	(165)
	Iranian sniper or Wookiee? How to tell them apart	(149)
	Protip: Don't chew tobacco while doing a robbery, some of that CSI stuff is actually true	(45)
	Stephen Hawking expected to make a full recovery. Well, not a "full" recovery, per se, but you get the point	(98)
	Carrie Prejean: You said that your answer that you're against gay marriage cost you the Miss USA crown. How has your life changed? "Well, I got 500 Facebook friend requests."	(too many)
(Some Guy)	Parents can't believe they would be arrested for barging into school's medical room or chaining themselves to school railings. I could not believe it when the school wanted us charged with trespassing"	(40)
	It's only Tuesday, but we already have the Mug Shot of The Week	(175)
	Just like with drivers, some think bicyclists should have to take exams and pay fees	(398)
(Some Guy)	Restaurant owner's gas bill jumps from $700 to $50,000 in one month. Gas company, "That sounds about right". When the TV investigative reporters asked, the gas company was all, "OOPS, our bad"	(49)
(Some Guy)	Police: "Hello sir, sorry to interrupt your vacation but there are 20 underage kids drinking in your house and your son wont let us in. May we enter?" Parent: "STFU and go away" Police: "Ok, have a nice day"	(213)
	Dog named Porterhouse wins the 2009 "Beautiful Bulldog" pageant, beating out another dog who made some unfortunate comments about gay marriage	(57)
(WMTW.com)	What appears to be Jesus wearing a spacesuit has appeared on a man's guitar, but it's nothing to fret about	(98)
	Kenyan sect violence kills 24. Submitter thought it would be the crappy writing that finally ended the series	(57)
	Due to the terrible economy, Harvard career services officials are faced with an unprecedented problem: teaching Harvard graduates how to deal with rejection and failure	(134)
(Some Guy)	AAA survey finds 50% of drivers speed on major highways, speed on residential streets, speed up to beat a yellow light, honk at other drivers and tailgate, other 50% lie to AAA researchers	(175)
	In these days of debauchery and loose morals, one woman takes a stand against the greatest threat to our society: naked garden gnomes	(45)
	Bad news for those of you who continue to use plastic grocery bags just for the joy of spiting hippies	(263)
	MOTY candidate throws glass table at children, threatens them with butcher knife because the little ingrates didn't say I love you	(82)
	"This is not the first time a viewer has contacted us after discovering maggots in their box of Nestle Goobers"	(72)
	NYT columnist on the art of headlines. Obviously, he has never visited Fark.com	(44)
(The Register Citizen)	Man goes back to jail under new repeat offender law ... for violating probation by entering girlfriend's house, with permission, to use the bathroom	(107)
	Former car salesman explains how women are treated by car dealerships ("They are preyed upon, and are easy targets.") and how to avoid being scammed	(288)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this balancing of balls	(47)
	Moms debate over what age is the right age to let your child watch 'Star Wars.' "One bar scene features 'space' drinking, smoking, and shady characters"	(535)
	New England prostitutes are free to ply their trade once more as the Craigslist Killer is brought to justice. Bonus: Perp was a BU med student who was researching hormones	(151)
(Lohud.com)	Meh: Mom sick of her daughters' fighting kicks them out of the car. Nanny-state: And is arrested (there's a mugshot). Fark facepalmy goodness: Helpful passer-by turned mom in and bought one of the little hellions ice cream	(162)
	If you feel bad about robbing a bank, there are better ways to show your remorse than by stabbing your arm and writing "I'm sorry" on a car's window with your blood	(18)
	Scotland's kilts are in a bunch as the best Scotch in the world is distilled in Japan. Domo arigato	(108)
	Scientists discover that the Great Wall of China has grown by 3850 km. Mongols will still just go around it	(73)
	A 52-year-old woman who became a stripper to make ends meet gets stabbed in the eye with a stilletto heel on her first day at work by a jealous co-worker (in her late 40's). "We don't need any more dancers around here"	(85)
	Australian man in New Zealand bans the entire town from his motel because they keep trashing the place. Like, they'll leave him alone now, hey bro?	(60)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this shadowy young man from a shadowy planet	(47)
	Former NASA astronaut says mankind is not alone in the universe. He checked	(611)

Mon April 20, 2009

	It DOES stand for Female Body Inspectors	(102)
(Some Guy)	Unemployed college grad turns down job interviews, continues roadside sign-wearing campaign. "So if he can't have the ideal job, ideal hours, ideal pay, then he'll just sit around and be a victim?"	(324)
	You think you know grilled cheese, but you have no idea	(250)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this bear trap	(54)
(KSBY-6)	If some woman drove her Jetta off a cliff near Big Sur three days ago, let her go, because, man, she's... wait, never mind, that's her climbing back to the road (updated link)	(170)
	Protesters want riot police to wear NFL-style 'shirt numbers' so they can identify them when they dish out savage beatings	(191)
	Virginia unveils its newest tool to reduce speed on the roads... Zig-zag lines	(173)
	Not News: Man taken to hospital for second degree burns. News: On his crotch. Fark: From stuffing cash bundled with exploding dye packs down his pants	(81)
(KPHO)	Middle school principal bans 14-year-old from wearing rainbow wristband because that's just gay	(157)
	If you're being interviewed for national television, please try and avoid claiming that gays are all child molesters, it might just go down the wrong way	(256)
	Consumerist shows you how to identify an "ATM skimmer" used by thieves to steal your PIN and other personal information. With pics of it on and off	(228)
	NPR celebrates 4/20 by imagining what it would be like if marijuana was legal	(556)
	Canadian McDonald's borrows a page from the socialized health care system, starts giving away free coffee, no strings attached and take as much you want, between now and May 3	(183)
(Drew)	A world without ant sex, layoff greeting cards and a crotch glove for sale: Headlines of the Week 4/12 to 4/18	(41)
	New 'peronality map' of United Kingdom proves once and for all that Scotland is, as often described, a "strange, little, wet, fried, angry place"	(119)
	Solar superstorm expected to blow us back to the dark ages in just three years, so start backing up your files now	(405)
	Newest trend flying off the shelf? Push-up pants for men	(109)
	Supreme Court has turned away a challenge from a death row inmate in Texas who claimed his constitutional rights were violated by jurors who consulted a Bible during deliberations	(456)
	Man stabs another guy because the victim let his girlfriend go to the bathroom. "Diaz explained that when he drinks with his friends he's not allowed to speak about what happens"	(80)
	You got the willz, the skillz, for flamin' lay-up drills	(56)
	In latest sign that apocalypse is all but upon us, Canadians are drinking less beer	(69)
	"Bernanke: People need to hone financial know-how". You mean, like Wall St. people?	(122)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this high flyer	(41)
(Tucson Citizen)	You know that picture of you on all fours with your right arm in Arizona, your left arm in Arizona, your right foot in Arizona and your left foot in Arizona?	(157)
	Circumcision is something the U.S. does and Europe doesn't and is therefore awesome. Our penises are clean and sleek and new like Frank Gehry skyscrapers, while theirs are crumbling, ancient edifices inhabited by fat old men in hats	(543)
	The Wrath of Fark	(236)
	Stephen Hawking rushed to hospital. Doctors fear he may never walk again	(295)
	April 20, 1999: 'Columbine: We will never forget.' April 20, 2009: 'Columbine'? What's a 'Columbine'?	(306)
	Susan Boyle singing now the most-viewed online video in history. Or at least until a video of Susan Boyle singing and then getting kicked in the balls appears	(334)
	Computer makeover shows criminals after 30 years in prison as a warning to young people to avoid a life of crime	(101)
	City forced to refund traffic fines paid by 10,000 motorists after ticketed driver points out warning sign was missing one word	(81)
	Baltimore is charging 1,200% annual interest on unpaid parking tickets. Naturally, someone has a problem with this	(190)
	Thousands of dolphins block Somali pirates from attacking ship. Snorky unavailable for comment	(119)
	Obama administration rattles the sabre at Eritrea, telling the dictatorship to stop supporting Islamic terrorists or we'll go unilateral on its ass	(313)
	British government tells teenagers to go ahead and use drugs, possibly to help them deal with the fact that they're British teenagers	(59)
	The trouble with shooting a police radar van operator parked by the side of the highway is you can pretty much guarantee he's going to have already taken a picture of your car	(95)
(Failblog)	Swimmer finds himself in a ballsack conundrum, so very scared. Yes, it has happened again	(163)
	Miss USA 2009 is Miss North Carolina, who looks ecstatic to have discovered maps and like such as	(318)
(Some Politician)	Caption Beloved Leader of British Columbia Gordon Campbell in a spongecube pit	(62)
	British MILF teacher fired after sex with which person? (a) studmuffin at work; (b) underage boy in class; (c) convicted murderer at jail in which she offered "one on one tutorials"	(102)
	If your cunning getaway plan involves taking a taxi home from the scene of your last burglary, it helps a lot you pick a taxi whose driver doesn't live in that house	(15)
	Photoshop theme: When Google owns the world	(51)
	You're sailing towards freedom but the country won't grant you asylum? Why, just set your boat on fire	(26)
	Fourteen horses die right before Florida polo match. It was a biatch getting them out of the pool	(113)
(FOX)	British spy agency searching for real-life "Q"; subby searching for real-life Octopussy	(28)
(Suburban news)	C-blocked by the fuzz? Dial 911 and report shots fired elsewhere. Bonus mugshot hilarity	(19)
	Kenyan in Leavenworth for 13 years on an expired student visa refuses to go home. he always manages to "cover himself in his own excrement" when it's time to go to the airport	(90)
(Some Guy)	Man steals box of mood rings. If only there was some sort of device that could help me gauge how I feel about this story	(17)
(FOX)	Mon takes hostages in Jamaican airport	(79)
(Lehigh Valley Live)	"When I get hungry... I stick my head in my own fridge scouring for food. I don't break into my neighbor's house and raid their pantry. Seems like someone had a major case of the munchies. PS: This has Fark written all over it"	(62)
	The goggles, they do nothing	(122)
	Dumbass: using your infant's diaper bag in Wal-Mart to steal $178.00 worth of stuff. Asinine: running away and leaving the infant at Wal-Mart	(54)
(Some Guy)	If you have an issue with an ATM, just camp out all the night by the machine	(44)
	Idiot who climbed onto bridge over Minnesota River and pretended to fall to impress his friends ... well, you probably know where this is going. And where he ended up	(74)