Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-04-19

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Sun April 19, 2009

(Some Guy)	Photoshop this person picking	(38)
(Some Guy in stiches)	"Honey, clear the table and bring me your sewing kit. I'm gonna fix these blasted hemorrhoids once and for all"	(76)
(Some Quick-stepper)	Word of diarrhea vaccine leaked to paper	(135)
	Marine flies across the country with explosives in his checked luggage, only to be discovered when the airline screws up and has to rescreen. Bonus: charged with possession of an infernal machine	(58)
(Livingston Daily)	Please don't flash your genitals at the Comcast repair man	(45)
	Sorry guys...she's taken	(233)
	"When you think of the beautiful natural world, do you think, "I want the environment to be as clean as my vagina." No? Well, maybe you should"	(105)
	Man in wheelchair dies after being hit by bus; man was in wheelchair because he was previously hit by bus	(93)
(Some Guy)	Collection agency is in ur myspace, lookin for ur daddy's Mercedes	(175)
	Five police agencies dispatched after woman reports abduction of little girl. Unfortunately she got some details wrong	(156)
	News: Student beaten at school, rushed into surgery. Fark: Administrator defended not calling the police saying "at the time of the incident, the administrators didn't know a crime had been committed"	(93)
	Drinking water may have all sorts of drugs like lithium and nitroglycerin dumped in. You'd think we'd be an awful lot healthier, wouldn't you?	(71)
	Today's catching fish in a barrel story is from Worcester, Mass were 50 people are arrested in a Craigslist sex sting	(106)
(Some Sleeping Dog)	Singing dog alarm clock features paws button, is a mutt's have, inspires awful puns	(32)
	Cheeky baby macaque plays hide and seek with his mother...causing nearby monkey to burst out laughing [pics]	(61)
	"Exactly when does 'food' move from the 'bizarre' category to 'sorry, but that's just a foul, disgusting hunk of crap that shouldn't come anywhere near the human mouth?'"	(207)
	University students? Check. Thousands of cute bunnies? Check. Explosive gas? Check. Outrage and indignation? Oh, you betcha	(122)
(Some Guy)	North Dakota National Guard reinforces dam near LaMoure last night. After midnight, using one-ton sandbags brought in with helicopters. So have a nice day, and sleep with a life preserver tonight	(56)
	The most arrogant 12-year-old in the world says he'd like to meet Michael Jackson so that the two can "compare notes" on performing (some site ads NSFW)	(90)
	Photoshop this bear-suited biker	(30)
	Christians urged to go green for God. And this time they don't mean just cash	(316)
	Another sign of the bad economy: Penny slot machines paying off	(54)
	The most ridiculous reader comment in the history of the known universe	(294)
	Supreme Court will decide if it's okay for the school principal to look in your underwear for aspirin	(259)
	The speech Nixon would have made if Neil Armstrong had died on the moon	(235)
	British governments attempt to beat recession by hiring people for bizarre non-jobs, including ceremonial sword-bearer, roller disco coach and tooth-brushing advisor for babies	(49)
	Students protest in support of cheerleader coach fired for posing nude in Playboy. Surprisingly, they were all female	(239)
	Twenty firefighters and two hovercraft combine for dramatic river rescue of seven. Officials say that all seven are doing well and are back in the pasture grazing peacefully. Wait, what?	(24)
	If you're looking for a job and are willing to relocate, pick up a cowboy hat, some boots and get ready to act arrogant about your new superiority as a Texan	(229)
(Springfield News-Leader)	Barbie is 50? That's nothing - the Kewpie doll turns 100. Doesn't look a day over... a day old	(30)
	"America's Underinsured Are Swelling." Isn't there something they can take for that?	(187)
	Congratulations. Effective this past Thursday, you're Canadian. Don't believe me? Ask the moose, the hockey player at the foot of your bed, and the Mountie at your door	(84)
	Photoshop this eggman	(50)
	If you happen to have a spare $300k lying around, you could buy your very own Oscar-winning nine-year old	(102)
	Man, who won $3.3-million lottery jackpot returns to farm life he grew up in, by opening nude dude ranch	(50)
	You can sin in Baghdad again. Mission accomplished	(126)
(eagle tribune)	Guy breaks into this woman's home and makes himself lunch. He figured she wouldn't mind because he dressed in his best tennis outfit	(43)
	Woman angers Zeus, who smites her and sends her falling 300 feet to her death on Mt. Olympus	(53)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these sinks	(25)
	Nude and armed with a toilet seat? That's a tazerin'	(28)
	Except for Tara Reid and hard-core alcoholics who pour it into their water bottles at work, vodak is out. What's in for cocktails? Gin, mezcal and drinks made with elderflower liqueur	(228)
	UN implements their state of the art catch and release system to show the world the proper way of handling the piracy problem	(198)
	Wok overheats and burns down sex shop. Number 69 off the menu	(42)

Sat April 18, 2009

	♫ The Love Padlock is a little ol' place where ♫ We can get crushed by YEEEEARRRRRGH ♫	(40)
	What's the first thing you think of when your fiance suddenly drops dead of a heart attack? If you answered "save the sperm," you win a free babby	(81)
	Chavez and Obama exchange handshake, high fives and fistbumps. No word on when they'll upgrade to the fish slap dance	(447)
	In these trying economic times, one Australian city has the solution. And that solution is wombat crap	(45)
	When the police are about to give you a roadside breath test, you really, really shouldn't do what this guy does	(111)
	Distilleries bottling whiskies earlier to appeal to younger drinkers, who dislike the 'whiskey' taste that so many single malts have	(338)
	Peoria man smokes his house and nearly waxes his wife while making scented candles in the garage	(32)
	New way to make fast cash: Wander into a restaurant, ask customers if they are ready to pay their check, take $ and leave. TA DA	(81)
	Associated Press details all current Somali pirate hijackings. It's official: pirates are this year's shark attacks	(71)
	Photoshop this affected actor	(61)
	Study shows Viagra, Cialis don't damage men's vision: There's just no way you're going to poke your own eye out	(46)
	Rule #1 of rescuing someone who is drowning: make sure you can swim	(64)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Pimping ain't easy, especially when you're a soldier and the girls are teenagers	(134)
	It doesn't matter whether you're a war reporter, a world famous explorer or a round the world yachtsman, you still need to fill out an eight page health and safety assessment before the BBC will let you light a portable stove	(46)
	Vietnamese immigrants forced to live in neglected, decaying housing; say no matter what, they just can't Nguyen	(62)
	A review Farkers can get behind: "'Crank 2' is an epic of sleazy Darwinism" (contains spoilers)	(140)
	American man inadvertently turns his wife British by shooting her in the head	(70)
(Salem News)	If at first you don't succeed, maybe you shouldn't try to rob the same place again	(7)
	Martin Luther King, Jr's children are shaking down the MLK Memorial Foundation for a $1 million "licensing fee" to print excerpts of his speech on the monument	(181)
(Diss Express)	Police investigating the body parts found across Britain believe the victim "may have been overweight". Although they do add "You'd be overweight too if you had five arms and three heads"	(16)
(Blip.tv)	It's amazing the kinds of things 30 young women can do with enough rope	(98)
(Some Guy)	Being near a child and making him feel uncomfortable will now get you questioned by the police	(167)
	The average wine drinker may as well be eating 184 bags of potato chips per month, according to mathematically challenged journalist	(103)
	These are the adventures of the Starship Farragut. Where many men have gone before	(165)
(Some Guy)	Thieves take cement mixer and industrial compressor from construction site. Cops hoping to put the squeeze on these hardened criminals	(14)
	If your neighbors oppose your property rezoning request, what better way to express your displeasure than to blast German marching music 24/7 while goosestepping around your yard giving Nazi salutes?	(71)
	Iran clones goat. If they clone a camel, they can have sex ed and driver's ed on the same days	(112)
(Some Digger)	Theme: archaeological discoveries from the ancient American civilization of the early 21st Century (LGT example)	(38)
(press-citizen.com)	Cats put their best paw forward for Caturday with their routine as "Circus Cats of Chicago"	(425)
(Lincoln Journal Star)	"Riley was searched at the jail, where corrections officers found a baggie containing a white powdery substance in his rectum. According to the report, Riley quickly grabbed the baggie and tried to chew it." Talk about good shiat	(46)
	Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall stops by your seedy tavern to use the restroom and have a sloe gin. Clearly, your next course of action is to rip off the toilet seat and put it on Ebay	(67)
	Tired of vandals tearing up a playing field, councilors enlist the help of a herd of Aberdeen Angus cows. Subby calls bullshiat	(18)
(Some Guy)	Hooters waitresses subdue man hiding in their car. Man complained he had a conservative girlfriend and thought "they looked easy." Media promises to keep us abreast of further developments	(151)
(NBC 10 Providence)	Man arrested after calling 911 with phony bomb threats. "He said he wanted to see police and fire respond in real life. He watches a lot of TV and he wanted to see us respond"	(24)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Gemini giant	(28)
	Chinese communist party gets upset because German condom company creates an ad showing Mao Zedong, Adolph Hitler and Osama bin Laden as sperm	(100)
(Merced Sun-Star)	Female social worker accused of lending teen runaway a helping handjob (with mugshot)	(89)
	Bar posts Easter 'Sunday mass, get drunk off your ass' special. Surprisingly some people had a problem with this	(71)
	"It appears that many correct submissions were, again, aided by sleuths from the Fark Army (of which we've long been members)"	(104)

Fri April 17, 2009

(Some Guy)	DNA tests say Lincoln might have had cancer and died had Booth not gotten him first. So does this mean we have to give the holiday back?	(142)
	Empty pubs could get new lease on life by turning them into alcohol free-bars for teenagers with games, music, soft drinks and convenience food. Back in the days, we called those "arcades"	(106)
	Rockridge High school evacuated; cattle raped	(212)
(filemagazine.com)	Photoshop this policeman and percussionist	(48)
	Playboy names University of Miami the top party school in the nation	(137)
	62-year-old man sues police for making him walk home in polar bear pajamas	(42)
(WPBeeF)	Jesus Christ it's bees, GET IN THE FIRE TRUCK	(85)
	Big Picture goes to the zoo. Picture #33 is too cute for words	(77)
	Eight foot tall Chinese man soon to be named world's tallest man. Yao Ming weeps	(56)
	Rich man meets woman on SeekingArrangement.com. What could go wrong? (w/hittable pic)	(120)
	This week's TSG mugshot roundup: these are the kids your parents warned you about	(273)
	Karaoke bar posts sign announcing: "We are not a gay bar." Hilarity ensues	(204)
	Tourists from the U.S. need to fight the 'ugly American' stereotype. But how are we supposed to do that when people in most countries don't even speak American?	(358)
	Saplings from Anne Frank's tree to be planted in 10 US cities. Arbor macht tree	(98)
	Nine universities recently received $45M from anonymous donor. Schools promise not to out the submitter	(81)
	Michigan mayor asks for ticket after being given only a warning for speeding, says he didn't want there to be any favoritism	(136)
	White kids spared from embarrassment trying to dance to rap when Utah school cancels Glasses Malone performance at prom	(76)
	EPA finds greenhouse gases hazardous to health. And not in that "Al Gore, we all gonna die" way, but actually dangerous to people. Right now	(502)
	Get your cellphone stolen while backpacking in Peru? That'll be $24,000 please	(202)
(Some Guy)	"Oh my God, I'm looking at a baby ... I didn't know my wife was pregnant ... There's like, baby poop all over his head. Ugh, disgusting"	(214)
	Gay marriage may be legal in Iowa, but that doesn't mean city clerks are going to violate their religious beliefs and process those license requests	(703)
(Some Guy)	Two men shot dead at gun-control rally	(153)
	"Our top story on CNN today, Ashton Kutcher has more friends on Twitter than we do." Its not news, its CNN	(93)
	Scuba-diving Satanists hack off arms of submerged Jesus statue	(293)
	Photoshop theme: The wind	(59)
	What better place for a high school cheerleaders' field trip than a male strip club?	(147)
	You're gonna love Maya nuts	(80)
	Forget the repo man -- new cars are going to come equipped with a "kill switch" that enables the manufacturer to shut down your vehicle until you pay up	(233)
	Reason #47 that the rest of the world hates us: Tupperware parties for pets	(33)
	"Revolutionary" new sex spray designed to help men last longer may cause penile rashes and burning vaginas. To be fair, either one of those symptoms is likely to seriously delay orgasm	(85)
	Watch out, your balls might explode	(76)
(11 year old at Taco Bell)	'How come two women were coming out of the bathroom and why were two guys in there? And they were making funny noises	(161)
(My Fox)	$3,000 chihuahua puppy returned to pet store with note, which presumably asked the store why anyone would pay three grand for a jittery rat	(107)
	Baltimore high school teacher decides having sex with her students isn't original enough, and is charged with selling crack cocaine in large volume	(64)
(Some Guy)	Australian residents increasingly jumpy after woman attacked by 'hungry kangaroo'	(19)
(Some Guy)	Her sex screams were so loud that even her half-deaf neighbour complained	(169)
(Some Badass Gal)	Wife tracks down stolen car by cross checking stolen cell phone records and harassing the thiefs' family members and friends... and then it gets better	(188)
	This weeks TSG photo contest. Name the Hollywood star who was arrested in the pictured house. We got skunked last week, lets not make a habit of it. Contest ends 4pm Eastern	(100)
	Saturday is "Record Store Day." Hmm? Oh, sure. A "record" is a vinyl disc with grooves in it that, when played on a "record player" would play music. They used to be sold in buildings called "stores"	(165)
(KCCI Des Moines)	Lord, perhaps I wasn't specific in my prayer. I wanted to find a young, fit, drunk FEMALE stranger passed out in my hot tub	(34)
	Problem: Prostitutes are suffering from a lack of trade due to the financial crisis. Solution: 'Full service' being offered for just €20 and patrons get free snacks	(94)
(Some Guy)	Police officer injured in hit-and-run. Difficulty: Suspect's car did not hit the police car or the police officer	(122)
(Some Guy)	Cleveland Fark Party 4/17 @ 8 PM during Notacon (conf attendence not required for the party). Drew will be there, details in thread (thread now open)	(63)
(TorrentFreak)	Pirate Bay founders sentenced to one year of pound-me-in-the-arrrrrse prison	(695)
	Gang members were able to smuggle seafood dinners, cigars, drugs, weapons, cell phones, and luxuries such as champagne into Maryland prisons. But, it really cost them in the end	(67)
(Stanford University)	AP: " You made art out of our photograph without permission." Shepard Fairey: "Yeah, but you guys photograph art without permission all the time." AP: "Um... well..."	(120)
	"Don't drink and drive" doesn't mean "Don't call in a fake armed robbery to distract the police so you can drive home"	(71)
	Boy falls into a vat of caustic soda. No lye	(141)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this mining machine in the mist	(42)
	Today's Darwin Award goes to the stand-up comedian killed by inhaling laughing gas while watching porn	(161)
	Jerly Lyngdoh is a 26-year old trapped inside a two-year old's body. He should probably have used more lube	(137)
	Bartender breaks world record for making 662 drinks in an hour, he also breaks the hearts of Farkers everywhere when most are poured out	(55)
	My how times have changed: The French President openly called the American President a cowardly, indecisive wimp	(690)
	Not news: Man convicted of operating vehicle under the influence. News: He's a driver's ed instructor. Fark: He was in the passenger seat giving a lesson	(23)
	You know what bugs me? Learning that the Bush administration approved using insects in interrogations	(592)
(Tinypic)	Caption P-Diddy and his possible confusion	(96)
	Health warning for hairy woman. Yes, there is a OMFG what has been seen can not be unseen pic. Queue the Austin Powers quotes	(215)

Thu April 16, 2009

	Are you in legal trouble? Don't call Perry Mason	(68)
	Don't you hate it when a burglar breaks into your home and pees in your bathtub, in your kitchen sink, and on a sack of potatoes	(53)
	Woman drives over teenager, pays him $5 to quietly moan in pain	(62)
	Sheep go to Heaven, goats go to Carl's Jr	(76)
	Al Capone. Gangster, bootlegger, extortionist, tax evader, and... writer of show tunes	(21)
	Citing real estate market conditions, Port Authority of New York proposes indefinitely putting off building of WTC towers. 9/11/01: We have forgotten	(254)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this creepy eye	(108)
	McDonald's golden arches topple in high winds, crush couple. Police investigating if they couldn't get away due to fallen arches	(65)
	VA Tech honors slain students by running three miles at the sound of a gun	(83)
	Schoolgirl: "Please save my horsy." Mobile Company: "Who cares?" Schoolgirl: "He's got a marking identical to your company logo." Mobile Company: "how much money do you need?"	(90)
	Sinatra's "My Way" ranked as #1 popular song to play at funerals, narrowly beating out "Another One Bites the Dust," "Highway to Hell"	(285)
	County begins to charge inmates for their incarceration in new "get charged, then get charged" program	(103)
	Female Domino's Pizza prankster is a registered sex offender. Was involved in illicit acts with a 14-year-old girl	(177)
(PIX11 News)	Woman sues for $160M after spilling hot hair-removal wax on her body after microwaving it too long. Women everywhere douse themselves with hot McDonald's coffee in a show of solidarity	(250)
	If you only pay one bill this month, make sure it's the one for restitution for denting a police cruiser with your head	(39)
	Deceased Mexican drug cartel bosses are buried in mausoleums surrounded by bullet-proof glass, which probably would have come in handy at some point in the recent past	(47)
	Breasts should not be operated on using veterinary instruments	(363)
	Hells EHngels? Biker gangs have sprung up in Canada; are just like their U.S. counterparts except they use quiet mufflers on their bikes to be considerate of others, and main form of intimidation is strongly-worded letters	(184)
	Man, distressed at finding out he's flying to Nunavut, Canada, pries door of plane open at 23,000 feet and jumps to his death	(183)
	Don't post a photo of your ballot online unless you want to spend a year getting intimate with your new cellmate, Hanging Chad	(101)
	Video games based on movies are notoriously crappy, but here are 10 examples of the game somehow being better than the movie it was based on	(326)
	Talk to the hand	(48)
(myFOXaustin)	Drunk man tries to make a quick getaway on a steamroller. That's just flat stupid	(58)
(Barricade)	One guy's solution to eliminate America's financial problems and a Fark tag	(294)
	Photoshop this Korg Kaossilator	(48)
(English Russia)	If the Mad Max scenario ever happens, the guy who did this Chevy Camaro modification is ready	(203)
	Maersk Alabama crewmen back with families, trading one ordeal of powerlessness and marginalization for another	(47)
	There's too much British weirdness in this obituary to fit in the headline so we'll start with "As a piece of eroticism I prefer kipper fillets with brown bread" and take it from there. Lemon curry	(41)
	Pe nis	(254)
	Even if a man on the dance floor is using "gay tactics," don't release your "inner cannibal"	(40)
	Man at Panda Express eats shoots and leaves	(134)
(Some Guy)	Man jailed for 21 days after urinating on fellow passenger on airline flight. Guess he forgot the number one rule of air travel	(76)
(Some Frowning Guy)	Department of Justice is full of shenanigans about drug-related incarcerations, racial data is calculated nearly three-fifths off	(151)
	How do you get to Carnegie Hall? YouTube, YouTube, YouTube	(43)
(Some Guy)	Man crashes through airport fence, heads for parked plane claiming he needed to "get to Israel" and that he had "all the answers." Bonus: plane was missing its propellers	(85)
(dailynews.com)	Sheriff's Department cracking down on Sheriff's Department after alcohol-related arrests doubled last year	(39)
(Some Guy)	Government Minister believes that the best way to improve classroom behaviour is to introduce rowdy youths to the world of gambling	(20)
	Man bites off end of own penis. Police found him after receiving an anonymous tip	(177)
	Swedish woman charged for attempting to castrate her boyfriend with a stun gun. Thankfully he put up enough resistance, but it's still a shocking story	(58)
	New London cocktail bar pumps alchohol into the atmosphere, saving you the hassle of queuing at the bar	(59)
(Some Guy)	Elderly woman sees orange glow in bathroom, evacuates home and calls 911. The Sun is there	(45)
	Turns out there is a tribe of atheists deep in the Amazonian jungle, where divorce is free, fat people get shallow graves, and common sense rules sexy time. They're even converting the missionaries	(925)
	Nanny state to give 12-year-old girls breastfeeding lessons	(74)
(Some Guy)	Bank robber tries to disguise himself by dressing as a woman, but his man hands gave him away. Not that there's anything wrong with it	(20)
	"Bo", the First Dog, gets a book deal. It is for $5M upfront, 11.5% of the hardcover sales, 5.375% of paperback sales, but includes unlimited buttsniffery privileges	(56)
(Ottawa Citizen)	Flint upset that it's being compared to Ottawa	(54)
	Photoshop theme: Historical figures as rock stars	(116)
	Two fifth-graders who looked at porn on a school computer may face criminal charges	(143)
	50-year-old mother spends £10,000 on surgery to look like daughter	(190)
	Mechanics capitalize on drivers' ignorance, record low prices for blinker fluid	(145)
	Council's brilliant, cost-free plan to slow down traffic: Stop filling in the holes in the road	(50)
(WWL)	"Police say alcohol may have been a factor in fight over the can of pork and beans which preceded the stabbing"	(45)
(Albany Times Union)	It's your standard boy-meets-girl (at 12-step meeting), boy-loses-girl, boy gets pancreatic cancer, girl comes back after ten years, boy and girl die within nine hours of each other story	(67)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 206: "Graves II: The Dead Zone"	(225)

Wed April 15, 2009

	Life imitates bad Samuel Jackson movie - Plane grounded due to snakes	(81)
(Some Guy)	Seattle Children's Theater seeks IT professional to fill job opening. Must love children, though not as much as the last IT guy	(46)
(Some Chick)	Woman chases burglar out of her home, tackles him and then bites a chunk out of his finger to save as DNA evidence resulting in his arrest. Chick has balls	(54)
	Instead of topics like the war, the economy, or taxes, George Will decides to write a column complaining that too many adults wear denim. "Denim on the bourgeoisie is the wardrobe equivalent of driving a Hummer to a Whole Foods store"	(188)
	If you're going to try to smuggle rare tortoises into the US, it's probably not the best idea to hide them in a box labeled "live scorpions", since those are just as illegal to smuggle	(33)
(Some Guy)	Meet the plucky 86-year-old who pummeled a burglar into submission using only her crutch. No, her crutch. Her CRUTCH, dammit	(26)
	London suffering from "shocking" rise of rare Victorian diseases, as cases of typhoid, whooping coughs and the mumps is on the rise. Cholera and Black Death to soon make an unexpected comeback	(130)
	1,500 farmers commit mass suicide. Boy, are they going to be pissed when they find out someone forgot to notify the Guinness Book of World Records	(116)
	Octomom™ diapers: coming soon to a store near you	(179)
	Facing a crater in the budget for a Mt. St. Helen's monument, the public is erupting with anger and spewing suggestions at an advisory committee, telling them not to blow federal funds unwisely. What a bunch of ashes	(23)
(Some Pot Smoker)	Man claims he can't be charged with DUI because he was high, not drunk. You're doing it wrong	(40)
	Photoshop theme: Star Wars characters start new careers in advertising	(76)
	Actress who played Mickey Spillane's secretary dies at 84. But there was something about this case that didn't add up. I couldn't quite figure it out. This dame had class. Who would ice her? I decided to start poking around	(88)
	(____\|____) = $2x	(360)
	Fark.com called an Internet leader in "ill-informed and subliterate comments, which is apparently where one goes for that sort of thing." WERE NUBMER ONE WERE NUBMEER OEN	(526)
(The News Messenger)	There are several good ways to prove your weight to a judge - dropping your pants in the courtroom isn't one of them	(41)
	Caption President Obama and the Secretary of the Bunterior	(140)
	Use condoms or make Hitler	(99)
	Exclusive photos of the three pirates who have kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile. THIS IS AN EX-PIRATE	(222)
	French frigate seizes 11 pirates. This is not a repeat from 1799	(237)
	Taxes, Schmaxes. What happens if I don't file my tax return?	(403)
	Foiling a convenience store robbery is so easy, even a caveman can do it	(41)
	Good thing Mexican drug cartels aren't buying guns from U.S. dealers. Oh, wait	(310)
	Protesting Afghani's marriage laws? That's a stoning	(193)
	Elementary school teacher reinstated after bringing her gun to school because 3rd graders can be dangerous at times	(63)
(Some Guy)	Remember when Congress passed that law to make declaring bankruptcy more difficult? Yeah, well that was before the economy shiat the bed	(129)
	Police officer nabs suspect in fatal shooting, is praised by mayor in front of city council hours later. Five minutes after THAT, city council votes to lay him off. Taa-daa	(64)
	Thanks to clueless politicians with good intentions, Massachusetts National Guard soldiers make less money fighting in Iraq than they would make on training exercises at home	(25)
	Dog emerges 'happy' after eight days buried in the rubble of the Italian earthquake [pic]	(64)
	Dear Tenant: Thank you for saving grandma's life. Now GTFO	(68)
	Man keeps jumping into a river because he likes the attention it gets from police. "I thought you were my friend."	(36)
	Students in Iowa will be taught drivers ed by teachers who have been convicted of causing traffic accidents in the past two years. "The thing is, there's not a surplus of drivers ed teachers."	(54)
	Woman fakes son's kidnapping, allows boyfriend to burn him with blowtorch, in order to get ransom from boy's father	(68)
	Students are still expected to gasp STAND during the Pledge of Allegiance	(389)
	Slow police day in Kenya after man bites python who was about to eat him. "We want to arrest the snake because any one of us could fall a victim." Wait...what?	(23)
(Vernal Express)	Utah woman has sex with sleeping boy. Boy says he asked her to leave as soon as he woke up. Subby almost believes him, almost. BONUS: first comment earns Dumbass tag	(177)
	Photoshop this really flat tire	(34)
	ACLU is shocked, SHOCKED to discover that Los Angeles jails are full of rape and violence	(89)
	Good news, Mr. Jones: we can cure your addiction. You just have to take these pills. Forever	(142)
	A list of the top 10 "quintessentially British" foods, and it's as bad as you think. Sausages made with blood? Check. Pies made with slabs of lard? There. Something called "Parkin'? Yup	(168)
(NBC Washington)	Obama's got one ugly biatch	(278)
(Some San Diego dude)	Impromptu San Diego Fark party tonight, 5pm at Yardhouse. LGT venue	(95)
	Florida's SEAL museum would like relics from last weeks pirate take-down, Heidi Klum's thong back	(111)
	If you lost two bulls in central Massachusetts recently, a lot of people found them in the middle of rush hour traffic on Route 146 and could you come get them please?	(24)
	Husband threatens to shoot family, loads handgun while explaining who gets which bullet. When finished, discovers wife was quicker on the reload, draw parts	(219)
	Energy drinks work more directly on brain, not on body's energy levels. Apparently paying $2 for 7oz of carbonated cough syrup still seems intelligent	(141)
	Swedish woman falls pregnant after doctors accidentally substitute dummy for the contraceptive implant she thought she was getting. On the plus side, it should give the fetus something to do for nine months	(116)
	No matter how much of a good idea it might seem at the time, please don't tape your dog to the fridge	(93)
(Some Guy)	LA School board votes to use the $180M stimulus dollars intended to save jobs to lay off 5,400 employees. For some reason people have a problem with that	(153)
	Glassmaker says you should match the glass to the wine for best taste. Subby thinks it tastes fine right out the box	(165)
(US-101)	Nine-year old boy angry with his mother burns a Dollar Store to ground; tens of dollars in damage estimated	(68)
	Hi there, Twitter widow. Come on up and have a seat beside the WoW widow, Fark widow, and porn widow. Hugs all around	(196)
	The system goes on-line August 4th, 1980. Human decisions are removed from reporting the news. Newscorp begins to learn, at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. eastern time, April 14	(83)
	In order to survive in the face of our new economic reality, some men are rediscovering forgotten tasks such as canning, gardening, and sewing. Or, in other words, they're becoming women	(238)
	If you're a cop looking to extort businesses and make them use your private security company, avoid places like churches, bars, and Kiddieland fun park	(51)
	Police arrest two in counterfeit coupon ring but court finds that one of the arrests was expired	(26)
	The Top 10 Nerf Guns of All Time	(227)
	Caption this yelling yob	(99)
	Man dragged out of bed and arrested for having a porcelain pig in his yard. The Sun, it shines on the swine	(101)
	Bitter cheerleaders get their coach fired for posing nude in Playboy after being nixed from team. Isn't karma a biatch?	(284)
(KSBW Action News 8)	Close-knit officers cleared of charges after shooting epileptic woman brandishing a crochet hook. Sent her to the perly gates, they did	(104)
	Silver canisters on Washington beaches may contain poison. The most dangerous ones are labeled "Coors"	(22)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Eggs	(22)
(mlive)	Local paper asks the question we've all had on our minds: "When is it OK to buy from the back of a van?"	(54)
	Mel Gibson is building a compound for members of his church. What a waco, uh, I mean whacko	(81)
(The Crimson)	UT professor: "Pornography is what the end of the world looks like," asks audience members who masturbated to porn in last 48 hours to stand up	(472)
	Sewing machine sales in Saudi soar as people start believing that you can use them to build a nuclear bomb	(65)
	Study finds that black patients with lung cancer are less likely than white patients to receive proper treatment. That's not KOOL	(67)
	With all other problems solved, US government hosts first-ever conference on the elimination of bedbugs	(56)
	Mom won't give you $2 to get into the bar? Maybe a slashing and a few rounds from an AK-47 will change her mind	(46)
	Swedish man catches Parrot fever, begins pining for the fjords	(26)
	How many container ships does it take to equal all the world's cars in pollution? a) 15; b) 150; c) 1,500; d) 15,000. Goodbye Dollar Store. Hello SUV	(280)
	Pirates fire rocket-propelled grenades and automatic weapons at a U.S.-flagged cargo ship, then flee when U.S. Navy shows up	(231)
(Some Guy)	Pastor Creflo Dollar loves all creatures great and small. He just doesn't feed them	(43)
	Asshat get elementary school cited for noise, tells police "police, fire, ambulances and the USAF training jets are not unreasonable, but the noise coming from the elementary school was."	(82)
	School-bus driver arrested after leaving autistic boy on the bus while she went shopping for party supplies; bus-driver claims she is a victim of McCarthyism	(66)
	Gasoline expected to remain cheap this summer. Too bad you don't have a job and can't afford to go anywhere	(49)
	Average set of parents spend more than $50,000 on their crotchfruit before their third birthday - and spend most of that before the thing is even one year old	(197)

Tue April 14, 2009

	British man arrested for spraying urine on food. Customers grew suspicious after noticing the inexplicable presence of flavor in British cuisine	(67)
	Schoolboy who went missing for 2 weeks sparking nationwide search rode his bike almost 600 miles to Sydney ... for fast food	(134)
	An aspirin-a-day can make your brain explode	(45)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this marvelous man	(47)
	Actual headline: Pet dog's underwear fetish almost proves fatal	(61)
(Some Guy)	Naked knife-throwing sis severs bro's nose	(99)
	Dubai clones camel. Researchers say they're glad to get over that hump (pic)	(45)
	Unfortunately, using a giant catapult to hurl chicken droppings at burglars does not count as "reasonable force"	(56)
(KING)	2-year-old boy, lost after wandering away from home, saved by his puppy who kept him warm overnight by cuddling	(94)
	Man shocked, SHOCKED when aluminum ladder hits power line	(51)
	Texas governor affirms sovereignty under the 10th amendment, says the state will no longer accept "the oppressive hand" of the Federal Government in its affairs. This worked out well the last time around	(½)
	Honey, I've got a great idea... Let's build a porch using headstones from the veteran cemetery where you work. What? That's a problem?	(101)
	We're jailing people for sending porn to their neighbors? What's this world coming to?	(46)
(Some Guy)	Ohhh those crazy Russians and their tendencies to turn men who rob them into sex slaves	(134)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this filleting o' fish	(31)
	Woman loses bid to keep 18 dogs in home as it is not zoned to store that much peanut butter	(63)
	Swedish politicians outraged that some parents don't let their girls be as slutty as the law allows	(214)
(Albany Times Union)	Man busted for stealing over $1,000 worth of cigarettes from convenience store. That's what, like four packs?	(89)
	Ways not to get out of a DUI charge include "faking your own death"	(52)
	Unstable, financially troubled regime currently in possession of enough uranium to make a nuclear bomb. North Korea? Iran? Nope. Try Lehman Brothers	(87)
	If you're going to play hide and seek in a stranger's shed, try not to pick one packed with explosives	(33)
	If the cops finally do manage to catch you after a high-speed pursuit, taking off all your clothes will not help	(41)
(Some Guy)	Man calls the cops after hooker steals his pants	(55)
	In Los Angeles schools, your child will be taught reading, writing, math, and Kabbalah	(264)
	Priest goes deep inside another parishioner. Community approves	(34)
	IRS claiming to see large rise in income tax deliquencies, people listing "Obama Administration Cabinet Member" as their occupation	(263)
	Not this sh*t again: North Korea kicks out nuclear inspectors. US invades in 3... 2	(251)
	Six teenage girls charged with attempted robbery and attacking a woman with a hatchet. Victim is good condition after having her ax wound treated by her gynecologist	(82)
	Pervert looks up seven-year-old's dress and runs away, only to get tackled by a guy who randomly attacks people who are running	(70)
	Ugly ass Jaguar cub "Harry" makes his first appearance at the J-Ville Zoo. With video of the little dude	(37)
	Kansas City PD wrecks three squad cars in 15 hours, reinstates ban on drinking while on duty	(40)
	After getting pwnd twice now, Somali pirates vow to kill US and French hostages instead of holding them for ransom. QQ moar noobs or learn 2 play	(705)
(Eurasianet.org)	Controversy surrounds first-ever production of Vagina Monologues in Kyrgyzstan due to inclusion of strong sexual content, vowels	(41)
	Despite carjacking at gunpoint, Dutch reporter claims the tone and conclusions she made about Detroit will not be affected; because they were already that bad to begin with	(47)
(George Washington)	The coolest laser etched stack of dollar bills you'll see today	(125)
	Are Mexican officials spending their time (a) trying to hault drug cartels; (b) create employment opportunities for their people; or (c) writing nasty letters to Burger King because of a commercial	(80)
	Rob just ONE bank, and they strip you of your law license.. Sheesh	(20)
	Carl's Jr deals with image problem in its advertising by practically undressing Padma Lakshmi as she makes love to a hamburger: "Any minute now, Ronald McDonald is going to mount a stripper pole"	(170)
	Canadian warship dealing with Somali pirates who attacked Greek ship from behind	(86)
	Photoshop these obsessed outside observers	(33)
(ABA Journal)	Study concludes it's hard to tell alcoholic lawyers from sober ones	(270)
	UNICEF "deeply concerned" about marriage of eight year old. The happy couple is registered at Pottery Barn, Toys R Us	(155)
	"Currently investigation one of our former employees who for fraud... she no longer works here she resigned in late January," said Napa police commander Captain Incoherent	(58)
(NBC Miami)	Six-year-old's PSP comes preloaded with porn. His mom wants an apology; the kid just wants the PSP back	(64)
	UK to fight terror bombers with Google bombers	(23)
	Mother drops off her month-old infant on the sidewalk before car chase	(31)
	Twelve yards long and two lanes wide/ sixty-five tons of American pride/Canyonero Canyonero/ Top of the line in utility sports/ Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts	(61)
	Smart fortwo, Honda Fit, and Yaris do badly in crash tests. Manufacturers dismiss tests as "rare and extreme scenario." The scenario? Collision with Honda Accord	(199)
	Teacher calls eighth grade boy "husband", threatens him with divorce for having "too many little girlfriends"	(58)
(Gwinnett Daily Post)	Cool: Finally getting some press coverage for your newly unveiled minor league stadium. Not-so-cool: The press is there to watch the fire	(30)
	Twenty people die in Peru when bus driver suddenly lets his speed drop below 50mph	(45)
	Wild boar attacks woman in Swedish cemetery. Brick Top unavailable for comment	(59)
	Recession leads bargain hunters to the auction circuit in search of . . . groceries?	(49)
	If you've been waiting for the latest "how smoking marijuana led to my being an out-of-control drug addict whose life spiraled into the gutter" story on CNN, here you go	(427)
(FDNM)	In the latest example of Idiocracy becoming reality, gun rights group holds an open carry day with a U.S. Representative in Carl's Jr	(412)
	Women have found a way to beat the recession. It's called "lipstick"	(161)
	Photoshop this stern preacher	(43)
(Some NY State worker)	What do you do after 14 people are shot and killed in the building next door? Why, sue for your missed lunch hour, of course	(211)
	A new identity now costs less than a can of coke	(75)
(WCAX)	"Facebook could take tool on schoolwork"	(76)
	North Korea says it will boycott nuclear talks, upgrade Photoshop	(47)
	Bra saves womans life, lifting and separating a stray bullet from an armed robbery	(197)
	Sex shop offering free toys tomorrow to the first 100 people to come in and say they filed their tax return, even though those same people will have already been pretty screwed pretty thoroughly	(36)
	Photoshop this alien Canadian	(33)
(Eagle Tribune)	This is can't be right. School Committee members overruled Superintendent to allow performances of "The Vagina Monologues". Don't they know "vagina" is a bad word?	(83)
(D.Trump)	Yep, "The Donald" is a pussy	(43)
	Five-year old rides NYC subway for an hour before being noticed. Mother calls authorities response "good and fast" (link updated)	(52)
(Some Guy)	You've got to love a bar fight that includes a woman getting hit in the head with a crutch	(29)
	It's an anteater wearing a purple sweater. Hey, this is Fark.com - what the hell else do you want?	(63)
	Somali Pirates learn from Jerry Bruckheimer and begin filming their third installment of "Pirates of the Aden"	(230)
	Tennessee Fox station thinks it would be funny to put South Park's "Towlie" on a desk behind the anchors. Bonus: a Klan hood under the desk. Fark: both clearly visible in wide shot	(146)
	Prolific Youtube poster, known for his passionate defense of Christianity and vehement rants against the inhumanity of atheists, commits murder-suicide	(861)
(Madison.com)	Nurse fired in the middle of surgery	(96)
(Some Guy)	Muslim group issues fatwa over poor cell phone etiquette, like using them to detonate IEDs in the middle of prayers	(95)

Mon April 13, 2009

	Involved in a teacher-student-student charter school love triangle? That's a stabbin'	(60)
	Phil Spector mug shot. Apparently he was surprised by today's murder conviction	(123)
(Some Guy)	Media spins the Wheel of Fearmongering. And the winner is...gravel roads cause cancer	(72)
	Some days, you're on the highway when money or crates of beer get spilled. Other days, you're on the highway when sulphuric acid gets spilled	(31)
(Some sword swinging tfette)	Two people in Indianapolis die in a sword fight. No motive, but police are quickening the investigation. There can be only one desired outcome, an arrest	(168)
	That furor about Amazon de-listing all their GLBT books? Yeah, maybe not so much	(155)
	Theme: Combine a plant and an animal to make a new species	(120)
	"So who covers all the news if some significant fraction of the currently employed newspaper people lose their jobs? I don't know. Nobody knows. It's easier to see what's broken than what will replace it"	(156)
	Stay at home moms prefer kinky internet fantasies to kinky soap opera fantasies - It's not news, it's CNN	(127)
(Some Guy)	PETA thinks Obama's order banning torture of terrorism detainees should have included animals. In related news, there are innocent puppies and bunnies incarcerated at GitMo	(103)
(Some Guy)	Woman has sex with 14-year old boy she met at the go-kart track, inadvertently earns her high school teaching credential	(122)
	Wild Turkey crashes family's Easter dinner, marking just the latest time that Wild Turkey has played a role in destroying a family get-together	(24)
	Meet the young gunmen who robbed 50 X-rated movies from an adult film store. With an early nominee for mugshot of the week	(162)
	Tip for the recession #326 - eat the snails from your garden. "They are perfectly good meat. They are very high in protein and low in fat; in some ways, they are better than beef"	(81)
	Russian doctors remove five-centimeter tree from man's lung. The patient is in a little pine, but is expected to spruce right up	(100)
	World's laziest protesters demand their college stop observing Columbus Day. Oh, they still want the day off; they just want to call it something else	(107)
(Some Guy)	Josh and Anna Duggar begin the iron uterus challenge	(290)
	Our long national hair nightmare is over: Phil Spector found guilty of second-degree murder	(197)
	♫ I'm. An. Ang. Ry. Di. Vor. Cee. ♫ BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE ♫	(81)
	Best mug shot of a woman who threw a pint of ice cream through the window of the store that refused to sell her beer that you'll see all day	(85)
	"It's the Polish version of buying someone a drink, except you don't use the glass, you just squirt it right at them"	(43)
	If you want to get that perfect photograph of yourself holding onto a cliff with just a tuft of grass, always try and distract Darwin first	(79)
(Some Guy)	Prison worker pleads guilty to abusing inmates by having sex with them. Oh yes, there is indeed a mugshot. Don't say I didn't warn you	(122)
	Actual Headline: "Spokane parks to detonate squirrels"	(141)
	"Metrosexual twigmen who admire your shoes are all very well in good times, but when the going gets tough, what women actually want is a REAL man"	(471)
(Deutsche Welle)	Taliban in Afghanistan gun down women's rights advocate for violating the Sharia prohibition against having both a vagina and an opinion	(187)
	If you think FEMA is building concentration camps in America, Popular Mechanics would like to speak to you	(467)
(NBC Chicago)	Either Cubs fans are presenting an offering to the gods, or they're the best fans ever	(221)
	Chicago-area library bans offensive odors. This is in no way a thinly-veiled attempt to ban the homeless	(120)
	Heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer. And if that beer is Coors, it tastes better, too	(180)
(Drew)	Television orgasms, exploding pie factories and Swedish transexual philosophers: Headlines of the Week 4/5 to 4/11	(19)
	Boy charged with domestic battery for throwing gum; defense attorneys say charges won't stick once they rub some peanut butter on them	(45)
	Man breaks into woman's home and steals her laptop, camera and...just kidding, he just wanted to wear her lingerie	(40)
	Saudi Arabia bans license plates with numbers that spell out "offensive" words in English. So 80085 is right out	(85)
	Landlords increasingly monitoring tenants' Facebook pages and evicting idiots who post pictures of their wild house parties there	(98)
	Canadian province announces it will no longer fund sex change operations. In other news, Canada has been funding sex change operations	(109)
	"Britian's Fattest Teen" loses 12 stone in seven months. So that's like, 250 pounds right? (with startling pics)	(409)
(Some Guy)	Banned from playing cards at your local senior center because you complained about the scoring? Well, why don't you make a federal case out of? Oh, wait	(35)
	Good luck, we are all counting on you	(312)
	Schools increasingly hiring bouncers "to make students behave"	(72)
	Photoshop this woman watching Wilson	(44)
(WFMU)	Twelve things to hate about NPR. "8) Politically Correct Pronunciation." En-chee-ada	(698)
	Artist paints his house, and everything in it, single shade of blue of to test psychological effects of living surrounded by one color, piss off the neighbours. So far, it's working (cool pic)	(173)
	Howdy neighbor, how about we work out this tree problem? Okay, let me get my shotgun	(29)
	Man attempts to destroy neighbor's garage... for 30 years	(46)
	So how exactly do you un-baptize somebody?	(228)
	More college students are paying for their education with credit cards	(124)
	Harvard University opens "Canine Cognition Lab" to study how dogs think. Your dog is thinking about steak	(52)
(Some Guy)	Help Wanted: Woman, above average height, medium build. Must be willing to stick head in toilet. Apply in person at the District Attorney's office, and bring a towel	(37)
	Public art could take a hit in Florida, as legislators debate what's needed more -- health care for kids or giant bedazzled manatees	(66)
	Pet dog goes in for a minor stomach operation...and surgeons find 17 garments, including nine socks, four gloves and a stocking	(108)
	Right on schedule, here is your first news story claiming Somali pirates are actually pretty nice chaps, and America only made things worse by killing three of them	(731)
	Ariana Russell describes herself as the "human etch-a-sketch." Clearly her parents shook her a lot as a child	(61)
	UK airport authorities turn back Brazilian woman who arrived carrying only lingerie and sex toys. Wait, turned away? SEND HER HERE	(83)
	Taxpayers more frugal with refunds. Still no cure for bailing out the government with interest-free installment loans ever two weeks for entire year	(107)
	A major search for a missing camper involving an RAF rescue helicopter and Coastguards ends when he is found asleep under a caravan - just 300 metres from his tent	(20)
(Some Guy)	When designing prom dresses, try not to decorate them with a giant satin vagina at crotch level	(126)
	Man beats his brother-in-law to death... with his walker. He was serious about his lawn	(16)
(Metrowest Daily News)	"Three-quarters of the people I showed it too immediately saw the face of Jesus Christ. The other quarter saw Bob Marley or John Lennon" (w/pic)	(182)
	82 year old retiree fined $850 for lighting his wood stove in January	(153)
	Man discovers that having sex with his girlfriend while driving along a Norwegian highway at 20mph over the speed limit may be a bad idea	(52)
	Gallant uses hospital computers to help him keep track of patient information and carry out the hospital's functions. Goofus steals hospital computers in order to feed his out-of-control drug habit	(33)
	Begun the kangaroo wars have	(59)
	Little girl thanks officer, touches hearts, puts something in subby's eye	(64)
(Some Guy)	Robbers at Arby's create a diversion by ordering French dip sandwiches. Au Jus, not this shiat again	(39)
	Apparently running out of things to fear-monger about, media now warning that your yard is planning to kill your child	(51)
	Amazon.com unlists books by or about gay people from sales ranking and searches, provoking massive Amazonfail protest on Twitter, blogs. Out of the bookstores and into the Tweets	(295)
	Photoshop these hot young studs	(24)
	Your drink for the day: Bacon-infused bourbon old fashioned with maple syrup	(48)
	"Tot Sleeps by His 'Jet Sex Mother' ." Ah, mater -- want jet to always love me	(83)