Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-03-29

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Sun March 29, 2009

	PETA kills animals... to save money for advertising... to tell people not to kill animals. Sounds about right	(258)
	New study from the Institute of the Blindingly Obvious discovers that each person has their own optimal running pace. Still no cure for cancer	(41)
	America has become "a nation of jailers" whose "prison system has grown into a leviathan unmatched in human history."	(235)
	Les Folies Bergere, we hardly knew ye	(39)
	Four-year-olds know how to use the F-word to get what they want. Which thesedays is a scotch on the rocks, a mean set of wheels and an easy woman	(81)
	The Small Violin Symphony warms up as Oklahoma City bomber Terry Nichols complains about his food in prison	(102)
(Some other guy)	Photoshop this strobe demonstration	(28)
(Boy at Gas Station)	Tiny Tennessee town tries to trick travellers into topping off the tank in their magic land of canoe rentals and banjo music	(51)
	Obama demands CEO of GM to resign. Geithner agrees to pay $162 million dollar severance package	(749)
	Tiger Woods	(174)
	Tenured Florida teachers can do anything they want and get away with it, like cussing out coworkers, propositioning teens behind Dumpster, and stealing $5.95 sandwiches. And that's just the males	(72)
	Story about Wall-Street workers turning to stripping was a lie... alas	(37)
(Some Smoking Man Guy)	Another sign of the bad economy: Cigarette taxes going up all over the country as a means of generating revenue. Thats change we can avoid cancer from	(321)
	Man impervious to tasers takes police on a low speed chase through three towns on ATV	(36)
	Indiana town gives away free prom dress with every purchase of chastity belt	(72)
	"NPR considers rare on-air pledge drive despite ban." Confused? This would be in addition to local station pledge drives	(104)
	Elderly man ticketed for speeding while driving a 1923 Ford - that doesn't have a speedometer	(113)
(TheStar Online)	Actual headline: Police monitoring illegal radio wave to catch discs tontos. RIAA Lone Rangers unavailable for comment	(36)
	90 year old man finally receives pilot's license, promptly seeks out the Red Baron who killed his father	(52)
	Fewer than 800 homeowners in the North Dakota and Minnesota communities most threatened by the Red River hold insurance policies covering flood damage. So, for about half of the affected population, this tragedy will be a total loss	(233)
	Man armed with a gub tries to rob a DC bank. Woody Allen sought for questioning. (second item)	(48)
	Just in time for Cinco de Mayo, kosher tequila. It's the perfect gift to bring to your passover seder. L'Chaim, amigo	(79)
	A sting operation by the Minnesota State Lottery nabs some helpful convenience store clerks who offer to "throw that losing ticket away for you", and then cash it in themselves	(91)
	Florida jailed man with Alzheimer's and brain cancer 32 years after his prison escape. Compassionate sunshine justice	(56)
	Students paint school's fight song on gym walls, forced to remove it because the word "fellow" is too sexist	(60)
	Yours for £60,000: A 730mph Harrier Jump Jet [pic]	(81)
	AT&T tells RIAA to fark off, bring back a court order	(144)
	Lawyer Chiquita Tate stabbed 38 times by husband, who apparently just went bananas	(53)
	Here's how it works; He rearranges your furniture, you brick up his front door. That's the Bridgwater way	(22)
(RINF)	It seems no one has counted the gold in Fort Knox since Eisenhower was in office. Ron Paul has a problem with that	(159)
(Some Guy)	Did you read the NYTimes Op-ed from the innocent AIG guy who didn't get his 750K bonus? Now read Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi's response. Someone just got told	(794)
	Woman who tried to sue a police dog for biting her on the butt is fined by a judge for filing a frivolous lawsuit	(50)
	British activist sues US airman who arrested her when she climbed over airbase fence, because her criminal case against him was dismissed	(62)
	Photoshop theme: A good reason to cry	(39)
(WGME13)	Dear drug dealer, If you're sharp enough to talk your arresting officer into letting you sit in the front of the cruiser, you ought to be smart enough to watch for passing trucks when you leap out to escape	(23)
	Alabama library patron calls for banning of book because of its negative portrayal of: A) Jesus B) Creationism C) Lynyrd Skynyrd	(53)
	Passover Coke now available	(94)
	After the lambasting she received thanks to Fark for complaining about the "David at the Dentist" video, Mary Mitchell digs the hole a little deeper. Anyone want to lend her a shovel?	(88)
(Gville Sun)	Oh, the wayward manatee	(18)
	A new toy offers all the satisfaction of popping open a frosty beer. Batteries and wife beater, sold separately	(24)
	U.S. mileage standards for cars up for first time. In other news, article writer thinks the difference between 27.5 and 30.2 is "less than one mile per gallon"	(46)
	The twenty most ridiculous complaints made by vacationers to their travel agents. "The beach was too sandy."	(116)
(The Maine Edge.com)	A Maine truck stop has introduced "The BoneCrusher," a burger that can feed a family of four. Well, probably not yours, but a normal, skinny family	(35)
	Your wife is nursing a 3-month-old and isn't keeping the house tidy. Do you (a) do it yourself, (b) hire a maid, or (c) slip methamphetamines in her water to "give her energy"?	(96)
	Australian state plans on dealing with lawbreaking gangs by passing a law which bans them. Because if there's one thing that violent, murderous gangs obey, it's the law	(63)
	Some people are getting all worked up over the use of "meh." sigh Whatever	(116)
	From the Vail Daily classified ads: "Wanted: snitches who hang out with crooks, drug use and criminal record OK. Must be willing to work odd hours." This will end well	(23)
(Some Guy)	Woman who set up her husband by planting drugs in his car and tipping off police is given a light sentence, after the man asks the judge for leniency because they have reconciled. The woman's former boyfriend who helped her gets screwed	(32)
	Nanny State turns its all-seeing eye in the direction of the dirty comics you've hidden behind the loo	(75)
	Iranian photoshop experts in North Korea to help with upcoming pictures	(32)
	First, Pravda reports that Jesus Christ was Ukrainian... now it appears that he is from space	(43)
	Local residents arming themselves with sticks, golf clubs, stun guns, and ACME's Cane-Into-Sword Prestomatic to defend neighborhood against encroaching coyote threat	(62)
	Photoshop this big boot	(34)
	After two years of research, study shows fat guys are less manly and have less sex. Still no cure for cancer	(98)
	Some say the First Lady shouldn't be showing off her toned biceps. "There is nothing uglier than manly, muscular arms on a woman. Mrs. Obama should be hiding them instead of showing them off."	(261)
	Not news: Man arrested for DUI. News: It was a cop. Fark: In is marked Police cruiser	(61)
	Denver police looking for a missing adult female "wearing very little and with a diminished mental capacity" which describes 1.8 million women in Denver	(72)
(WINK)	Son living with his 70-year-old mother arrested for giving her a black eye, infringing on copyrighted Star Wars character	(58)
	Despite the bad economy, summer camps are still filling up, proving two immutable facts: 1) parents will do anyhting to get their kids out of the house and 2) the lure of freedom, beer and teen sex is more powerful than money	(54)
	Alysheba, dubbed 'America's Horse' after winning 1987 Kentucky Derby and Preakness, has died. His story will keep you glued to the page	(57)
	Britain facing a major cock shortage	(48)
	Prince William can marry a white witch, a Jedi warrior or a scientologist, but is banned from getting hitched to a Catholic	(107)
	China uses roving "death van" to execute criminals, sell their organs on the black market, race Jason Statham	(146)
	Man robs ring from jeweler shortly after mentioning that he needs bail money for his girlfriend. Later, a man posts bond for a woman with the same name using a ring for collateral. Police say they have a lead on a suspect	(17)
	Red Bull fails to give extreme skier wings	(79)

Sat March 28, 2009

	Website that claims to give users a perfect tan just by 'looking at it' gets more than a million hits	(56)
	Police will keep an eye on the convoy of a bikie gang travelling from Sydney to Canberra to attend a tattoo show and the funeral of a gang member. Does anyone else think "bikie" sounds less sinister that "biker"?	(64)
	Paralyzed after crashing into wild boars while riding your motorcycle drunk? Here's your $8.6 million, sir	(49)
	Those curly-cue planet-saving fluorescent light bulbs that Al Gore made everyone buy even though they cost $30 and cast a sickly pale glow don't work. Obvious tag outshines Fail tag	(318)
	In this episode of "Great Moments in American Legal & Political Ethics" a lawyer helps an anonymous friend of Joe Biden's daughter auction off video of her doing coke	(95)
	Spain may open torture probe of six Bush officials. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition	(86)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this man and his admonitory message	(49)
	Tonight at 8:30 turn all your appliances and lights on	(656)
	G20? Isn't that what Obama uses to roll a saving throw against economic armageddon?	(106)
	Texas Board of Education has trouble believing cowboy Jesus rode dinosaurs, asks affected Spanish men to begin spelling name "Heyzeus" to avoid future confusion	(335)
	Skunk infiltrates home, spraying its stink everywhere, culminating in a home being gutted, a marriage destroyed, and a major lawsuit against an insurance company. That stinks	(64)
	If you lost backpacks with 200,000 ecstasy tablets and 140 pounds of bud, Border Patrol found them for you. Party time. Excellent	(59)
	Italy's supreme court outlaws red light cameras	(83)
(Some Guy)	Wheaton writes about his new book; unfortunately, it took more than 140 characters, so it's not on Twitter	(41)
	Man wakes up to find himself locked inside bar. Alarm summons police who find him trying to get out. You're doing it wrong, man	(35)
	Cat sculpture could sell at auction for $16-$22 million. Well, duh, it's a CAT sculpture	(53)
	Thank you for serving in Iraq, glad to hear you survived your 13th surgery. By the way, your $3,000 medical bill is due	(299)
(Some Guy)	You otter see these ugly-ass baby otters	(42)
	Christian breeding movement continues to gain traction as families skip past breeding a basketball team and shoot for enough children to field a football team. Quiverfull: putting the "us" in "uterus" since 1985	(623)
	Theme: Ye Olde Holiewoode Tapistry Shoppe - Photoshop a medieval type tapestry with a modern pop-cultural twist	(46)
	Eighty percent of Americans fear their dentist, and one half are so scared that their fear stops them from going, although that leaves them with more time to make jokes about British smiles	(136)
	Thirty years ago today, Three Mile Island showed the world the dangers of nuclear power... or overreacting activists (take your pick)	(305)
	Deorbit Burn: 12:33pm EDT, KSC Landing: 1:39pm EDT (Window One) Nasa Heads: Are you with me? (LGT NASATV)	(256)
	The Swedish version of "Dancing with the Stars" looks like something inspired by TechnoViking	(50)
	"What explains this resurgence of Canada jokes on U.S. television? We are the last group that can be made fun of without risk. Political correctness has made almost every other ethnicity off-limits"	(449)
(The Standard)	Officials stunned that the adult dance event they approved is actually a pole dance competition. "It doesn't show me any sort of athletic component to it" says commissioner who has never held himself upside down by his thighs	(25)
	Ice Cream Social fundraisers are banned in one town because they just aren't healthy	(32)
	Desperate for new fear mongering material, ABC tries to link heart attacks to Hurricane Katrina	(15)
	Rejected "Rock Band" titles revealed: "Big Band Blow Out", "Metal Lords", "Power Chords", "A Game For Tools And Morons, Like 'Simple Simon' But With Rock Songs". OK one of these is fake	(102)
	After 46 years behind bars with no privacy, forced to suffer from the taunts of tens of thousands of people, Illinois resident "Alpha" gets euthanized	(33)
(Some Guy)	A ride in a minivan can be pretty boring... until a vulture crashes through the windshield and lands in the back seat	(36)
	Let's play "Guess The Defendant's Occupation" - Man pulls loaded handgun on bar staff, threatens them. Sentence: 22 day suspension and charges reduced to a non-criminal violation	(162)
	Since your never going to lose your virginity, how about you join the thousands of others and send those condoms in your drawer to the Pope	(77)
(Dispatch.com)	Ugly ass Asian elephant gives birth to ugly ass Asian baby elephant (w/pic)	(11)
(The Pulse)	Newspaper has a Farker in the editorial department? It's more likely than you think	(54)
	High School Girls + Wrestling + Chocolate Syrup = newspaper journalism (photos). Fail tag and Spiffy tag grapple in awesome hotness	(158)
(Some Guy)	Russian mayoral race heats-up between an overweight ballerina, a porn star, and some guy who was wired money from Brooklyn. The only thing missing is the ex-KGB agent who used radioative polonium to kill a Putin critic. Oh, wait	(26)
	When even the mother behind "Meghan's Law" says that charging teens with "child porn" crimes and labling them sex offenders for swapping nude pics is absurd you know that this phenomenon is approaching critical mass	(107)
	Foreigners give us a perspective that we overlook on our own, and Americans need to realize that not only do we seem like inexplicable prudes to the rest of the world, but inexplicable prudes with a gun fetish	(198)
(SUM GAI)	FAHRK HEHD'-lyne	(85)
	Man accused of being a cross-dressing fake veterinarian who treated people's pets without a license while selling their snakes and lizards on Craigslist. Confused? You won't be on the next episode of Soap	(27)
	Photoshop theme: Create a poster for an unlikely sequel to a classic movie	(92)
	Daisy the cat suffers smoke inhalation, is resuscitated with kitty sized oxygen mask, recovers in time for Caturday	(374)
	If you're in a wheelchair, airport security consider you to be luggage	(61)
	Spokane residents smuggle dishwasher detergent into city because government-mandated "green" detergent doesn't work	(137)
	Gettin' booed off stage 'cause your rappin' sucks / Pullin' a gun out, man, that's just farked up	(48)
	Jury acquits late-term abortion provider after gestating awhile. Critics call verdict miscarriage of justice	(114)
(Some Guy)	"Shawnigan Lake RCMP say they aren't certain whether the thief stole the 20-litre liquid tank for the nitrogen, or for the embryos and bull semen inside"	(41)
	Compulsive shoplifter creates "Shoplifters Anonymous" group in Illinois. Members are encouraged not to bring wallets, purses, car keys, or shoes	(41)
	Say the F word in a Walmart? That's an arrestin'	(183)
	In another example of the wussification of America, more and more engaged men are planning their own weddings. "I don't see myself as Groomzilla. I think of myself as a concerned fiancé."	(122)
	Prisoner work crew babysits toddler on highway for hours. Steve Buscemi unavailable for comment	(62)

Fri March 27, 2009

	Turns out Alfie Patten isn't the world's youngest father after all. He's still just a plain 13 year old boy that slept with the town slut	(107)
	Photoshop these celebrants of the spring equinox at Stonehenge	(38)
(oc register)	Intoxicated suicidal man gets hit with beanbag by police, sustains eye injury. Same man suing for millions because police didn't just shoot him with a real gun	(30)
	Lapdancing club opens next to pre-school. Predictably, some people have a problem with this	(36)
(WPIX)	People see third-grade teacher masturbating in his car outside school on March 19, 20, and 24. Hmm, maybe he'll stop? Yesterday, he did it again. Oh OK, fine, let's arrest him	(52)
(KGTV)	"Hi, police? Some guys broke into my house, tied me and my roommates up and took cash, a computer and my, um, bong"	(48)
	The school computer may seem like a good place to store pictures of your underaged girlfriend, but don't be fooled, they will find them. A year later	(54)
	Man robs retired police chief at police convention, dubbed "dumbest criminal in Pennsylvania"	(20)
	Latest name for new building replacing World Trade Center goes over as well as "Freedom Fries"	(189)
	Inside the Peeps factory, because we all know we enjoy the flavor of sugar coated cardboard once a year	(82)
	Words such as Krabby Patty, Stain, Mole Rat, and Burnt Toast on T-shirts deemed offensive at high school. Urban dictionary provides enlightenment	(99)
	1 out of 3 Americans wants the government to limit athletes and movie stars to $1mil a year salary	(409)
	Pull up a wheelchair and check out this week's The Smoking Gun's mugshot roundup (w/semi-Not safe for work pic of dude's arse on #3)	(149)
	Governor cannot block the release of a convicted sex offender who has warned that he will "do it again"	(94)
	Chemist positively charged with economic espionage after stealing paint formula from employer. FBI had an ion him the whole time, but still don't know alchemy did it	(38)
	If you drop something into your gas tank, let it go, man, because it's gone	(43)
(Times Herald-Record)	Monkey with herpes and giant inflatable penis send neighbors over the edge	(47)
	Good night and God speed, bowtie man	(64)
	Step on a crack, break your mother's back. Step on your son's foot and he hurls a full can of soda at your head	(25)
	Zoning officials approve plans to open a slaughterhouse in the same building as a Subway restaurant. What could go wrong? "If there's a stench, and even one or two people get a whiff of that, we're done."	(58)
	ThamWow guy pickth up a dantherouth prothtitute (and answer to today's earlier TSG contest)	(432)
	Remember kids, if you get arrested for impersonating a police officer to pull your victims over, do not call your friends on your cell phone and confess while your interrogation is videotaped by the real police	(13)
(Bizjournals.com)	Airline pilot uniformly suspended for his attire. At the circus	(40)
(Some Guy)	British drivers forced to put mittens on cars' side view mirrors to protect them from horny, crapping birds	(15)
	Controversy mounts over Notre Dame's radical choice for a graduation speaker: The President of the United States	(255)
	VDOT doesn't like night work. Solution: asks all businesses in Tysons Corner if they mind having all employees come in at 11:00 and stay late for the next five umm... years?	(79)
	How to not look surprised when your friends start Botox treatment	(74)
(Some Beer Drinker)	Now that Kid Rock has a microbrew, photoshop a beer label branded for someone else famous	(74)
(Some Guy)	Damn you white people, why must you ruin everything	(304)
	Italian man and son may be next Fritzl case, having both imprisoned and raped own daughters. Gli Aristocratici	(99)
	NJ cop admits having sex with prostitute in motel while on duty and in uniform, loses job and 23-year pension. Easy come, easy go	(131)
(WTVN)	Protip: If you're going to repeatedly call a hockey arena and threaten the home team goalie during a game, disable your caller ID and try not to be wearing the opposing team's jersey when the cops show up at your house	(49)
	FAA wants to keep bird strike reports confidential, since reporting them to the public would cause pilots to stop reporting them. Excel has detected a circular reference	(87)
	While the rest of the world works longer hours for less money to put food on the table, school teachers demand to work four days a week and be paid the same, while getting summers and every holiday in existence off	(225)
	Man accused of ripping off the bra and pouring chili on his pregnant girlfriend. That's hot	(88)
	After his teen son is accused of biting 11 students at school, father does the logical thing and blames the "Twilight" movie	(205)
	Private jail company claims that giving prisoners the keys to their cells makes prisons safer. Absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan	(80)
	Pesky pranksters paint pub pink. Pwned	(52)
	Russia to ban emo music on the grounds that it encourages depression and suicide. Emos ecstatic to finally have a legitimate reason to feel oppressed	(102)
	REMINDER: Los Angeles Fark Party, Saturday March 28. LGT original thread	(42)
	The coolest ghost photo of a man or woman in a ruff peering out of a barred window at Tantallon Castle that you'll see all day	(157)
	For the record, when you're not really in a fraternity, and you grab a guy off the street, throw him in the car, and drop him off in the middle of nowhere, you can't really tell the cops what you did was a fraternity prank	(54)
(The Bookseller)	And the award for the oddest book title of the year goes to... "The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-miligram Containers of Fromage Frais"	(57)
	KFC finds solution to Chicago's significant street pothole problem, promises to fill them in for free with KFC logo on top. On the plus side, used chicken grease and unsold mashed potatoes will probably last longer than asphalt	(123)
	"If you don't have a proper lavatory in your house, don't even think about marrying my daughter"	(81)
	As many as 86,000 people each year are injured when they fall over their pets. This is just another example of media fur-mongering	(147)
	If you drink hot tea to reduce your risk of cancer, you'd better cool your jets	(108)
	Your childhood toys are getting a makeover, from Turtles to Barbie to GI Joe	(196)
	U.K. to change 308 year old royal succession rules and allow Catholic, human animal hybrids to ascend the throne	(136)
(lohud.com)	Dad's to-do list: walk dog, get in knife-fight with wife, pick up son from daycare, lead police on high-speed pursuit	(20)
(KeysNet)	Giant mutant lobster takes over U.S. 1 in the Florida Keys	(90)
	Hittable female cross country coach arrested for helping one of her male athletes reach the finish line a little sooner than his peers	(150)
	Crowned with a new nickname, apparently this man hasn't considered that bank robbery caries a stiff penalty, not to mention prison cavity searches - Four out of five dentists root for this headline, say it deserves a plaque	(34)
	"Britain's most spoiled teenager" is the official subject of today's two minute hate, brought to you by the Daily Mail	(197)
	"I love Jews" Facebook group changes name to "Hitler: Great Modern Man of History". Hilarity ensues	(192)
	Poor eating habits are translating to a higher rate of kidney stones in children, some who are still in kindergarten. Doctors warn this is more than just a passing trend	(65)
	Chinese officials seeking lost radioactive ball, members of the public are warned not to taunt it	(48)
	Mexico wants more US money for drug wars, 3% of which is being eaten up by Western Union fees	(101)
	France has surrendered to a computer worm	(66)
	Russia plans to create Arctic military force, US planning for Polar Bear Calvary invasion	(58)
	This week's TSG contest: Which celebrity is in this mugshot? Ends at 4pm eastern	(237)
(SouthCoastToday)	When facing charges of setting someone on fire, don't threaten to set someone else on fire	(36)
	Connecticut school brings new meaning to the phrase "I'm not touching you"	(122)
	60 year-old woman arrested three times in three days for drunk driving in Wisconsin. Woman: "I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday"	(63)
	Octomom used to be a stripper... Sorry. I just threw up in my mouth a little	(299)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Police chief crashes at red light while reading headlines. Behold the power of HEY, LOOK OUT	(33)
	Photoshop this sand sifter	(40)
	Police officers save cute ducklings from a storm drain (with video)	(48)
(Some house hunter)	What sort of real estate around the world can you buy with 150K	(145)
	British doctors think they could be a step closer to curing tinnitus, as long as someone will hurry up and answer the damned phone	(106)
(6 Action News)	Woman can't figure out why her car got stuck on a strange metal road. She should ask someone from that approaching locomotive (with video)	(74)
	Couple goes through messy divorce. Wife remarries. And moves into ex's house w/ new husband. What could possibly go wrong?	(74)
	High school girls fake a bomb threat in order to close school so they could make it to their senior ditch day. (w/ perfectly legal, no eyebleach required mugshots)	(125)
	Career Army officer court-martialed because he refused to deploy to Iraq. How could little things like bad back, active TB possibly get in the way?	(106)
	Woman arrested for calling 911 three times when roommate took her beer away, called her a big baby. "It hurts my feelings."	(39)
	Natasha Richardson's death saved the life of an Ohio girl hit by baseball two days earlier	(103)
(KPTV)	Man receives speeding ticket. Does he pay by: A) Check, B) Money Order, C) Gather spare change, place in plastic bag, fill bag with urine, mail to County Courthouse	(65)
	Nanny state bans soccer because balls flying through the air could be deadly. Ron Jeremy unavailable for comment	(67)
	Cannibal mum eats her chum. 'Twas cooked quite rare, The Sun is there	(82)

Thu March 26, 2009

	Lonely gorillas who met through online dating site have their first baby [pic]	(36)
	Photoshop this immersed man	(57)
	Prison evacuated because of prisoner hiding smokin' hot sausage in his pooper	(34)
	There are no vampires at this school, claims headmaster Dr. Acula	(165)
	Jesus will not be riding his dinosaur in Texas	(908)
	Driver tries to run over FedEx worker. He got knocked down, but you'll get UPS again	(59)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this half-hidden honor guard	(61)
	100 people sickened after eating at Applebee's, choose your headline. A) I mean more than they usually are, B) Probably had the fish, or C) That's why I eat only at fancy places, like Olive Garden	(210)
	Swimming instructor arrested for assaulting young buoys	(57)
(Some Guy)	Pretty much the best paperclip ever	(120)
(Some Guy)	It's 2:30 -- time for the titty show at the cathedral	(103)
	Woman arrested for shoplifting cordless drill from Lowes says she learned how to successfully shoplift from watching Fox's COPS	(67)
	Woman videotapes herself having sex with dog while watching child porn. Then things get weird	(275)
(Lebanon Daily News)	Philadelphia to deploy solar-powered trash cans throughout the city. Thank god we can finally stop using all those wasteful gas-powered trash cans	(75)
	Question One: What kind of college has a steam room? Question 2: What kind of student at said college brings a knife into said steam room, just in case he needs to stab someone? We now have an answer to both of these mysteries	(54)
(BILD.com)	Police in Germany hunted a sinister phantom killer for two years after finding the same DNA at 39 different crime scenes - only to discover that the source was a woman who made the cotton buds used to collect the sample	(82)
	To save the economy we must only buy water, bread and margaritas	(145)
(WTHR)	Indiana State Trooper pulls the Facebook trifecta: brags about wrecking his patrol car, desire to shoot the homeless, and holding a .357 to a buddy's head	(93)
	We are now on final approach Miami International Airport. Please stow your tray tables, return your seat to its full, upright position and put your dick back in your pants	(92)
	Pilot survives ejection over Ecuadorian jungle, only to die when cable on rescue helicopter breaks. Ironic tag says, 'Oh, snap"	(74)
	If you're an Islamic suicide bomber trying to blow up soldiers, but instead blow your buddies up, do you still go to Paradise? Do they prorate it, so you only get 12 ugly virgins, instead of the regular 72 hot ones?	(162)
(Some Guy)	Colorado Springs meteorologists cheerfully admit forecasting snow is a "total crapshoot." Also warns everyone they're all gonna die in a blizzard this afternoon	(103)
	High School: "Pull up your pants, or get belted"	(82)
	NYC Transit agency wants the group that is posing as stewardesses on its trains to knock it off, or at least get some better looking women if they want to use their name	(59)
(News 14 Carolina)	"Now honey, you're just a woman, so let me show you the proper way to load this BANG... OH GOD MY STOMACH"	(112)
	There once was a brand from Nantucket, the trail mix is tainted so chuck it	(55)
(Some Guy)	Know your social network site parlance: "Female seeking financial and emotional help" means "Two dudes will beat you, rob you, strangle you, leave you for dead"	(64)
	Some people are lucky enough to have jobs where they can grab a quick nap without anyone spotting. This judge needs to learn he's not one of them	(20)
	Increasing number of American towns facing intensity in tent cities	(139)
	Random drug tests for welfare recipients? What could possibly go wrong?	(453)
	This yellow colored Riesling opens with a pear like bouquet. On the palate, this wine is medium bodied with subtle overtones of chared metal and petroleum	(50)
	The coolest pictures you will see today of things bing blown apart by high-velocity ammunition	(126)
	Drive too close to my son? That's a bleaching	(64)
	British town using lighting that makes acne more visible to deter teen loitering. Initial reports indicate zit has been working well	(61)
	A father, sent to Auschwitz to die during the Holocaust, writes a letter to his family on a piece of toilet paper and throws it from the train, hoping someone will find it and deliver it. Someone did	(231)
	You want the cute? You can't handle the cute	(170)
(Some Guy)	Unprotected group sex gets the blame for syphilis outbreak among Oklahoma teens. Like there's anything else to do in Oklahoma	(251)
	Convicted pedophile sues policeman -- who dared to suggest he might not be the best person to open a youth education center -- for defamation. Wins	(129)
	Seminole tribe on their way to operating Vegas-style full-casinos. Chief Runs with Premise agrees not to spread SARS virus - Hah-hah-hah-hah, hah-hah-hah-hah	(63)
(Irish Independent)	Man who had just had his hand severed with a samurai sword punched his attacker in the face with the bloody stump. The Black Knight nods approvingly	(170)
	The war in Afghanistan to become more American and less NATO, whose European members are as reluctant to deploy more troops as they are to admit that they actually enjoyed "Baywatch"	(242)
	Judge rules you can go around to strangers asking to tickle their kids, however creepy it may be	(103)
	Because what people really want from Southern Baptists is: More evangelism	(525)
	Danes lead world in telecom readiness, allowing them to more easily adapt to crisis. To speak with Beowulf, press 1	(66)
	UK defends spying on social networking sites: "We have no way of knowing whether Osama bin Laden is chatting to Abu Hamza on Facebook."	(63)
	Australia schedules "festive mass killing" for Saturday	(53)
	Seeing-eye horse kicks up controversy, "she doesn't need to be riding it around like Lady Godiva in a store"	(64)
	The hard-hitting Daily Mail arrives at at list of the world's most babealicious political figures. Bottom line: If you choose your politicians based on hotness, move to Peru	(197)
	"Drunk, passed out on some stranger's couch with your pee-soaked pants around your ankles is no way to go through life, son."	(78)
	Radical Pakastani cleric points out that US missile Strikes "justify jihad". This from a news conference held under couch in a hole dug into the back wall of his basement, under the stairs with the "Beware of Leopard" sign	(69)
(Clarion Ledger)	Major tornado strikes Magee Mississippi, causes hundreds of dollars in damage. Several hounds feared missing	(78)
	To be caught stealing from a car filled with surveillance gear once could be considered unfortunate, to do so twice seems careless	(20)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	You're angry because you got fined twice for not paying tolls on a toll bridge do you? C) Drive by slowly so the cameras can get your license plate while you shoot at toll booth workers with a wrist rocket?	(73)
	Photoshop this cardinal a-pointing	(56)
	18 college students spend their spring break preparing for life with a philosophy degree	(182)
	Sex offender sues the police, a university, and others for being connected to gangs, organized prostitution, Muslim drug lords and Asian narcotics. Then there's that whole not letting him have his concubines	(26)
	Ugly-ass puppy paints some pretty cool pictures. Awwww	(70)
	Rare paintings by young Austrian artist in his twenties to be auctioned. The artist went on to write "Mein Kampf"	(154)
	Over 90% of blind Americans can't read Braille, will never find out how crappy "Twilight" is	(106)
(azfamily.com)	Rabid bobcat attacks three people inside an Arizona bar. As if the cougars weren't bad enough	(56)
(Some Guy)	Even if you're a pro football player, run a red light in Texas and the cops will absolutely not let you have the last seconds with your dying mother-in-law. Even if they stop you with no chase in the hospital parking lot with nurses pleading	(553)
	Somewhere, Kirstie Alley is rolling over in her gravy	(115)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Good mom: not driving your kids to daycare because you're on medication. Bad mom: letting the 12-year-old drive the 1-, 2-, and 4-year-olds to daycare while you stay home. With "Was that wrong?" mugshot goodness	(38)
	Farm-hand who worked for 30 years unpaid on a 400-acre estate is given the keys to the whole lot	(44)
	Boy meets girl online, boy and girl play video games, boy and girl arrange to meet, boy turns out to be Jabba The Hutt (with must-see pic)	(377)
	He found heaven from the 7th floor	(55)
	57 percent of Brits claim they're 'amazing kissers'. Presumably, the other 43 percent are 'phenomenal dentists'	(20)
	Okay, let's go through this one more time: when you're driving a car full of marijuana, meth, ecstasy, cash and a loaded pistol, do NOT attract attention to yourself by speeding in front of the cops	(25)
	Transparent beer launched because women 'don't like drinking opaque liquids'. Tell that to Jenna Jameson	(77)
	Oakland city residents prepare to hold vigil for the four police officers killed by... what? They're holding it for the shooter?	(346)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 203: "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(268)

Wed March 25, 2009

	What better way to cure your sinful, wicked urges to look at internet porn than to shave your head, put on camo and dog tags and go to boot camp with hundreds of other sinful, wicked men to receive "discipline"?	(177)
	Students speak out against tobacco, may want consider improving sign-spelling skills as well	(98)
(Commercial Appeal)	TN legislature debates Saggy Pants Bill. "This is the 'crack' bill, and I think any respectable citizen would be against crack"	(133)
	It's a streetlight	(115)
(Journal Times)	Woman drove her 13-year-old nephew to a fight with a 15-year-old. Bonus: She had a neighbor videotape the attack	(68)
	Note for British shopkeepers: Genuine sterling banknotes have a picture of the Queen on them, not Boy George	(50)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this snowball fight	(60)
(Some Guy)	You've got to love a murder trial that begins with the defense attorney telling a story about aliens	(36)
	A 'fake justice of the peace' may have performed weddings in Arizona. It's like getting a second chance	(37)
	Canada and France are teetering on the brink of a terrible war. The only things left to decide are how long their armies will break for lunch, and whether Canada's white snowsuits will unfairly camouflage France's surrender flags	(173)
(CDNN)	Dynamite fishermen accidentally kill the world's most unlucky diver	(105)
(CDC)	According to the CDC recommended safety gear for a honeymoon includes helmets, life jackets, and knee pads. Wait, what?	(54)
	British primary school children to be taught how to use Twitter, because if there's one thing 7 year olds don't know how to do it's tell people they're pooping	(52)
	If you were at Chicago's South Side Irish St. Patrick's Day Parade this year, congratulations; because of you, this year was the last parade	(123)
	While General Motors asks for more taxpayer loans, there's one perk GM refuses to give up: a company car and company-paid gas for about 8,000 white-collar employees	(169)
	MTA to NYC commuters regarding a stiff series of toll and fare hikes with service cuts: You'll get over it	(55)
	Today's "teacher seduces her pupil with raunchy pictures" story is brought to you all the way from Sweden. With Not safe for work pic of said teacher	(226)
	When handling a gun, remember one thing above all else: The pointy end with the hole is where the bullets come out. Don't hold it there	(140)
(Some Guy)	California to reduce carbon emissions by...banning black and dark colored cars?	(227)
	Seven pet myths debunked. Your dog really does want steak, though	(228)
(WBIR.com)	Puppy rescued after climbing to the top of a tree in Knoxville. Cats do that, sure. But who knew a Dogwood?	(38)
	With no other news happening, ABC reminds you a dog may kill your child this summer	(166)
	F-22 crashes in California	(440)
	College fraternity suspended after doing what fraternities do -- get piss-drunk and try to sleep with girls	(179)
	Wash. state solving bear problem with bear-hunting dogs. Will then likely solve dog problem with dog-killing snakes. Will then solve snake problem with snake-killing gorillas	(103)
(Charleston Gazette)	Does it count as sexting when a 34-year-old woman sends explicit material to her stepson? (with mugshot "goodness")	(171)
	Drew Peterson does not take kindly to neighbors putting up memorial ribbons for his former wives, sneaks out at night and cuts them up...the ribbons, not the neighbors	(95)
	Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above	(545)
	Packs of wild dogs, some totaling over 100, are terrorizing the eastern plains of Colorado killing livestock and pets. While frantic officials seek a solution, Micheal Vick waits patiently by the phone	(110)
(Sum Ting)	Man attempts to set neighbors trailer on fire, wind decides to set his trailer on fire	(44)
(Some Guy)	If you wake up and there is a man in your room who claims to be a police officer 'looking for four people', you probably shouldn't just go back to sleep	(40)
	Naked suspect attacks Delaware police with antenna. That's a shooting	(60)
	Photoshop this freaky face	(64)
	North Dakota declared a disaster zone. Wait until they hear about the flooding	(289)
	ProTip: If you are a cop and you rob a bank it's not a good idea to hit the one where you work security as they might recognize you	(51)
	School has children sing 'In God We Still Trust'... Cue the lawyers in three, two, one	(440)
	Worried that decriminalization law approved by voters sends wrong message, towns vote to recriminalize pot smoking	(203)
	With global warming melting the polar ice caps, killer whales moving to the cool waters of...the Gulf of Mexico?	(89)
	Judge drops hammer on defendant during courtroom scuffle (w/Video)	(103)
	It may not be specifically referenced in the Bible, but "plague of gerbils" sure sounds a lot like a sign of the apocalypse	(99)
	What do four of the nation's top newspapers (NYT, WaPo, USA Today, WSJ) have in common besides a smug sense of entitlement? None of them asked a question at Obama's press conference	(184)
	Maryland lawmakers may remove offensive phrases like "Northern scum" from official state song. Residents of New Jersey fail to see problem	(112)
	Consumer psychologists say people are so obsessed with preparing for the future that they can't enjoy the present. Suck it, saver's remorse	(92)
	You might be getting just a bit too involved in your child's schoolwork if your second-grader shows up to the science fair with a talking teddy bear powered by a homemade circuit chip	(123)
	Leave your PC on at night? Congratulations, you're destroying your company's fiscal health. You're killing the world, too, but you probably don't care about that either, do you?	(270)
(Some Guy)	Man is angry about a minor accident between neighbors and his wife, so he does the practical thing: leaves a vulgar note, destroys a ceramic pot, drops his pants, and threatens the neighbors with a stick. The aristocrats	(26)
	Faced with the sober reality that Obama's "insurance for all" approach is really happening, insurance companies agree to drop their now-standard "higher premiums if you're sick" approach	(625)
	Both Gloria Allred and Clown Car go on "Dr." Phil's show, in a perfect storm of douchebaggery that could kill us all	(198)
(Some Guy)	Woman beats the crap out of husband but swears she didn't kill him. More than likely, he died of embarassment after having his ass kicked by his wife	(65)
	Ugly-ass clouded leopard cubs born at National Zoo...eh, who are we kidding? They're adorable	(61)
	For some strange reason, corporate coaching strategies that involve telling US soldiers to turn their "post traumatic stress" into "post traumatic growth" haven't done much to halt the military's suicide epidemic	(89)
(FDNM)	"It makes no sense to store oil at the base of an erupting volcano"	(68)
(Manchester Evening News)	Not News: Girl threatened with ban from high school prom if her attendance doesn't improve, Fark: She's been dead two months	(176)
	Spending 27 years in prison for a crime you didn't commit sucks. So does getting hit by a taxi when they let you out	(60)
	Operation Blade Runner nets 300kg of marijuana, 83kg of cocaine, 40,000 ecstasy pills, nine replicants	(115)
	Fargo bracing for 100 year flood, residents covering the entire city with TruCoat	(128)
(Some Guy)	73-year old man paying phone bill online for the first time accidentally sends $12,416, leaving him nothing to live on. Qwest tells him it will take six weeks to refund, man says QWTF?	(96)
	Pilot who stopped to pray during a crash that killed 16 is sentenced to ten years of kneeling in jail	(153)
	Go right on the roundabout, third exit... Left turn ahead... Deploy parachute when possible	(43)
(Some Guy)	Nearly 40% of people admit to caring less about the environment now that the price of gasoline has fallen by half. You know, because $4 gas is worse for the environment than $2 gas	(87)
	At first they just cloned sheep, and I said nothing	(38)
	Young doctors learn bad habits from TV medical dramas. That explains why it's never lupus	(109)
	Cop tickets woman for stopping her car on the road to resuscitate her severely disabled son	(66)
(Penguinfark)	Photoshop this painter climbing a ladder	(36)
	Being a lumberjack is the worst job in America, but that's okay	(93)
	Real Headline: Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise	(49)
	Girl loses cell phone. Retraces steps to find two boys with it playing "Star Wars" with goggles, latex gloves and rubber bats. Then it gets weird	(63)
(Veterans Today)	As if American veterans haven't been getting shafted enough by the VA, thousands potentially exposed to hepatitis, HIV from contaminated colonoscopes in VA hospitals	(61)
(Some Guy)	Christians called "intolerant" by some stupid atheist who is going to burn in hell when he gets there	(679)
(Some Drunk Illinoian)	Mayor of small Illinois town is pushing to make St. Patrick's Day a Federal Holiday	(74)
	So you know all those younger men who are supposedly into dating older women? Yeah, not so much	(204)
(Some Cancerous Lump)	Having learned their lessons from Vietnam, U.S. border patrol plans to use agent orange like chemical to kill all the plants along the Rio-Grande tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?	(166)

Tue March 24, 2009

(Some Chick)	Police enter home after complaints of foul odor. After eight cats were removed from the filthy house they found the source of the smell: a mummified 96 year-old woman fused to a bed	(107)
	ABC News: Mexico: The next Iraq or Afghanistan? EVERYBODY CHAPULTEPEC	(204)
	Obesity linked to attention-deficit hyperaHEY A COOKIE	(141)
	If you're going to risk jail time for stealing your dream car, aim higher than a Nissan Altima, it's just embarrassing otherwise	(32)
	Palm Springs reaches out to the Spring Break crowd. They're gonna love the mah jong by the pool and the early bird specials	(62)
	Hard-working janitor spends 12 years saving up enough money to rebuild his modest home, only to scale back plans because city demands $15k for sidewalk. Bonus: his would be only sidewalk on the block	(174)
	Kim Jong's sister Ill	(36)
	Al Gore's new book "Our Choice" will offer a comprehensive global plan that actually solves the climate crisis while he pays $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate	(256)
	NPR ratings are waaay up. Suck it Rush	(432)
	Woman in Kazakhstan woman claims to be 130 years old, big Borat fan	(45)
	Holiday postcard from Austria delivered to addressee in Bavaria 48 years late. To be fair, it had to cross the Indian Ocean, the Red Sea, and the Mediterranean to reach its destination	(23)
	Photoshop theme: Nuts and bolts	(30)
	Community thinks letting an upscale tattoo parlor move into an abandoned store in a strip mall will hurt the area's image. "It doesn't belong and it doesn't fit"	(94)
(TV Squad)	Networks upset that President Obama keeps upsetting their primetime schedules with his addresses. They would have a point if people actually watched their crappy shows	(252)
	What to do when business is down when you own a glass company? Go around town and bust out windows	(60)
	Almost two months later, columnist is outraged after discovering 'David after dentist' on YouTube; has yet to find any 'lighten up, Francis' clips	(230)
	Don't try to save beached whales; they'll die even if pushed back into the sea. Note: This is no excuse to shoot Rosie O'Donnell if you see her in Malibu	(75)
	Car stereo thefts are basically going away. There's no profit in it any more	(155)
(Some Guy)	With the economy in the toilet and Wall Street still unregulated, Governor Kaine does what should have been done 3 years ago: ban cul-de-sacs?	(89)
	Old and busted: Wanted poster featuring mugshot of murder suspect. New hotness: Lifesize cardboard cut-out of suspect, complete with voice recording to scare passers by	(34)
	Nanny State Health Service handing out 6-inch rubber penises to 13-year olds at health workshops. What could go wrong (other than people mistakenly believing that Brits sport 6-inches)?	(165)
	Kung fu master swallows chopstick, forgets about it until it's surgically removed 20 years later. Bonus: Photo helpfully captioned "Some chopsticks, not lodged in a kung-fu master's stomach"	(86)
	Nanny State using spy planes and thermal imaging to harrass homeowners whose houses are wasting heat	(96)
	Give me $700, or you will never see your luggage again	(92)
	NY Times leads with User Generated Content as its top story. Man these guys are hurtin'	(62)
(Ben's Biz Blog)	Minor league ballpark unveils new 5/3 pound burger topped with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips that feeds up to four people -- or one person from Michigan	(157)
(Delco Times)	Molest me once, shame on you. Molest me twice, you... -you can't be a priest anymore	(85)
	Brain surgeon has heart attack while performing brain surgery, realizes his patient would never recover if he stopped the operation so he finishes the job anyway	(178)
	Senior Harvard economist recommends that drugs be legalized, also states that he could really go for a burrito right now and has a song on his iPod that you totally have to listen to	(444)
	Injured combat troops would rather be redeployed than face hospitalization at Fort Bragg. Reed all about it	(99)
	Girl burns her brother with a curling iron, but in her defense, he did pick the bathroom lock using a knife	(94)
	Chicago State Rep wants schools to teach kids how to handle a gun. What could possibly go wrong?	(210)
	Teams work feverishly against heavy flow of bloated Red River, say flood stops here, period	(99)
	Entrepreneur, shrewd husband, creates PMS detector	(197)
	Photoshop Theme: Alternative fairy tale endings	(64)
	Just in case the morning commute didn't suck enough already, Atlanta drivers now treated to dead body dangling from interstate overpass	(120)
	Attempting to reconcile with your husband is good. Changing the locks, and handcuffing yourself to him in his bedroom while he is sleeping takes dedication. But biting him?	(45)
	Hummers top list of most ticketed cars: "Hummer drivers feel like kings of the road". Buick drivers, not so much	(225)
	If you will read only one story today about a meteorite stolen from Arizona's world-famous Meteor Crater in 1968 and then bought at a garage sale in Wisconsin for the princely sum of $10, please let it be this one	(100)
	Just another day at middle school in Pasco where teacher shows up drunk, does the bump and grind dance with students, drops trou, then takes off running to the community pool where she passes out. Cell phone cam-alarity ensues	(118)
(Some Beast Master)	Man gives whole new meaning to dog and pony show. (with "yeah, this guy is a weirdo" pic)	(145)
	Thai firefighter dresses up as Spiderman to coax eight-year-old boy off window ledge (pic)	(80)
	Girl's lemonade stand raises $24,000 for cancer. If only there was a saying to describe how when life gives you something negative you turn it into something positive	(74)
	If the delicious sugar-apples are guarded by deadly Komodo dragons, just let them go, man	(135)
	Good news everyone -- the number of workers without health insurance is below 20%	(274)
	Kid decides to make his house stand out on Google Earth. Dad is not amused (Not safe for work drawing)	(143)
	As if you need another reason to avoid Connecticut: You can get a DWI by just thinking about driving while drunk	(290)
	Bad: Living in Nagasaki on Aug 9, 1945. Worse: Going on a business trip to Hiroshima on Aug 6. Fark: Being the only known person to have survived both bombings	(166)
(Nanny State)	Government Advice: If you see someone who doesn't like CCTV cameras or is throwing away household cleaners, they're a terrorist. Report them	(95)
	"Look at me, I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland" - on the toilet, in the nude, oil on canvas	(68)
	Meet Bob Petrella, the man who can remember everything he's ever done in his life, even your Mom	(97)
	Red Cross honors parrot that warned owner about the choking baby, New York Mets	(59)
	Husband set booby trap to get out of loveless marriage. When you think about it, this is pretty much the polar opposite of how most men end up married in the first place	(76)
(Reading Evening Post)	With Al-Qaeda finally defeated, cops turn their attention to the real Scum of the Earth: grown men who go fishing	(95)
	Experts over the past 20 years: avoid direct sun, use sunscreen. Experts today: lack of sun exposure has sent Vitamin D levels in American's blood plunging to critically low levels	(212)
(Some Guy)	Kingston, Ontario named "Canada's smartest city", not least because residents showed enough common sense to avoid living in hellholes like Vancouver or Ottawa	(347)
	Lower gas prices, shame, causing people who pre-ordered those miniature "smart cars" to refuse delivery of their Tonka toy	(298)
	Toronto, not feeling the genuine articles are good enough, hires fake homeless people	(36)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fall of grace	(42)
	Since he apparently hasn't suffered enough in his life, Holocaust survivor (and Nobel laureate) Elie Weisel among those who lost their life savings to Madoff. His thoughts? "Psychopath is too nice a word for him"	(204)
	The first rule of New York's underground poker scene is you don't write articles about New York's underground poker scene	(89)
	Everybody was cane-fu fighting. (Huh) Those gramps are certainly frightening	(27)
	Photoshop the Space Station's New Toy	(36)
(Las Vegas Sun)	As if taxpayers aren't screwed enough...Nevada considers hooker tax	(65)
	UK population must be reduced to 30 million to be sustainable, warns the PM's Soylent Green advisor	(160)
	Top Gear ordered to stop destroying $200,000 supercars 'for a laugh'...and blow up economy models instead	(177)
	Nadya Suleman truly appreciates the free help she's received from the nonprofit group of nurses that helped care for her children 24/7. Not really; she's fired them for 'spying on her'	(200)
	DEA: "Return money thrown during freeway chase, or else". IRS: "that"	(143)
(Some Guy)	If your neighbors won't remove their skateboard ramp from the street please remember, police advise against setting it on fire	(35)
(Hartford Advocate)	A chicken in the backyard is like poultry in motion	(49)

Mon March 23, 2009

	Photoshop this toupée tech	(42)
	The record for the longest line to a toilet was set in Belgium and witnessed by officials from the Guinness Book of Records, who apparently have never been to a professional sporting event or rock concert	(44)
(KPTV Portland)	Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down	(139)
	Firefighters rescue 2 dogs and 15 puppies from fire, but then "we had to cut them in half to fit them in blankets." Not sure if this constitutes cruelty to animals or cruelty to grammar, but same tag is warranted either way	(90)
	Researcher pulls superannuated number out of his arse, says British grandparents save their children $72 billion a year in childcare. At last someone's thinking of the children	(23)
	Ramen noodles now available in doner kebab flavour. "It is truly the clash of the male food titans"	(113)
(Some Safe Driver)	Mississippi makes red-light cameras illegal. Hero tag is for helping us get out of Mississippi even faster	(97)
	Louisiana governor wants to invest $20 million in getting a chicken-processing plant to move in state; PETA suggests he instead spend the money on a "Chicken Empathy Museum." Surprisingly, he does not leap at the chance	(95)
(The Northern Echo)	Guy uses cellphone to film himself with prostitute...and it turns out to be a good thing that he did	(79)
	"Severe Vomiting Syndrome" linked to pot use, 4chan	(324)
(Some Guy)	Officials seize a half-ton of TNT, over 500 sheep set to be smuggled into Gaza. There goes THAT party	(56)
	Neighbors argue over dog poop. Then things get all batty	(35)
	High-school evacuated and HazMat team called in when a chemical threat found near the school's pool turns out to be chlorine. National Guard on standby for when someone discovers the chemistry lab	(51)
	Say goodbye to Jared and those hot chicks with badly Photoshopped bodies on the Hydroxy Cut commercials	(365)
	Israli soldiers wearing T-shirts of pregnant women in crosshairs with the slogan "1 Shot 2 Kills" and a gun-toting child with the words "The smaller they are, the harder it is". Amazingly, some people have an issue with this	(466)
	Time Magazine immediately regrets asking the internet on input for the most influential person of 2009 as the founder of 4chan takes a solid lead	(235)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Amusing: art lover attends auction, gets into bidding war over minor painting by his favorite artist, and blows his entire life savings to fend off high rollers and win it. Spiffy: he's only 16 years old	(54)
	If you put the mentally ill and the elderly in a nursing home, inevitably someone's going to get a clock radio smashed into their face	(55)
(Some Guy)	U.S. Navy teams fly in to provide medical and dental care to residents of remote Alaskan villages. Some reports say an optometrist was part of the medical team, but Navy dismisses that as an optical Aleutian	(79)
(Some Guy)	Woman arrested after kicking in apartment door and demanding men inside have sex with her for $10. With mugshot that screams, "How about NO?"	(158)
	Most beautiful people in Canada found to live in Toronto, Montreal and submitter's house	(217)
	Two men charged with stealing baby formula. Police milk it for all it's worth	(59)
	Photoshop theme: When economising goes too far	(64)
	Salvadorian immigrant wins $26M in NY lottery after ignoring friends' advice to avoid the lottery on Friday the 13th. Jack Whittaker declines comment, refers media to his spokesperson Mr. Voorhees	(72)
	The incident began when a man threw an inflatable penis at an officer's horse, then it got weird	(62)
	Truck carrying bees + traffic accident = unlucky police respondents	(67)
	Mexico offers $2 million bounty for US/Mexican drug gang leaders. Reward can be claimed at Monterrey Central PD or at the Brownsville Home Depot parking lot from 5-9am	(107)
(Drew)	Drew talks about SXSW, Facebook's redesign and Fark's lack of "Twitter initiatives". Bonus: headlines of the week for last week hidden at the bottom	(104)
	Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead	(128)
	Just in case this isn't clear, if you're going to cheat on your wife, try and wait until she's at least left the room, lest bad things happen to you	(132)
	Texas drought will lead to lots of Charlie Brown Christmas trees this year. Good grief	(35)
	You know times are tough when the burglars are even stealing your light bulbs	(32)
	US pondering move to cheaper Chinese-made condoms. Expect this to go over like a lead balloon	(105)
	Air Force C-17 crashes in Texas in desperate attempt to complete Fark's plane crash trifecta. Update: No crash took place. DO NOT FLY	(150)
	Parents take responsibility for their daughter's suicide after she was taunted for 'sexting". Just kidding... they blame everyone else	(446)
	Dear resident, your husband just banged a hooker. Have a nice day, The Police	(190)
	Jack Cafferty tells other parents to keep their kids off of his lawn	(146)
	Pig learns how to herd sheep. That'll do	(71)
	"Police remained on the scene long after the fire was put out"	(43)
	Ten-year-old crossing guard saves kindergartner from cell-phone talking pickup driver, still has to do homework and take out the trash	(134)
	Courteous scorned girlfriend calls 911 before getting all stabby and running over her boyfriend	(54)
	The state of the music business: by John Mellencamp	(115)
	Will I have to put the IKEA concept car together myself?	(77)
	More and more Iowans are stockpiling guns and ammo. Like you needed another reason to avoid Iowa	(592)
	Pet chihuahua saves dwarf from dying of hypothermia. And you thought they smelt bad on the outside	(34)
	If you helped hide an elephant during the Belfast Blitz of 1941, the Belfast Zoo would like to find and thank you. Oh, and sorry about all the footprints in the butter	(29)
	Charles Darwin spent more money on shoes than on books while studying at Cambridge, presumably to ensure he always had a natural selection	(274)
	Police officers finally have their own Batmobile after awesome prototype release. Car has 300 hp engine, ergonomic cockpit, integrated shotgun mounts, and instant license plate recognition among other things	(340)
	Sun sets on 16-year-old who stacked chairs on 24th-floor balcony to get better view of sunrise	(212)
	More and more of the recently unemployed are entering the exciting field of subway busking. "This is my job right now. Perhaps I haven't been as ambitious as I should be about getting a new job. But I am happier this way"	(67)
	I'm tired of these mother fraking alligators roaming mother fraking streets in Connecticut in March	(51)
(Irish Independent)	Gangster verifies that handgun is unloaded by staring down the barrel. While his finger is on the trigger. Since you're reading this here, you can guess how that turned out	(227)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this day in Dubai	(44)
	Auschwitz museum struggles to preserve site, including all 80,000 pairs of shoes, which are tied with little knotsies	(336)
(Maui News)	Paraglider rescued from eucalyptus tree breathes deep, refreshing sigh of relief	(16)
	Oh God, Oh God, Oh God it's a boy	(239)
	German brothels feeling the pinch, and the spank, and quite possibly the tickle	(23)
(Some Guy)	Kentucky couple has a White Castle wedding, complete with slider wedding cake. Congratulations to the McDonalds	(74)
	The love square, it's a little old place where.... we can trade- our- part-ners (with "wouldn't hit any side of the square" pic goodness)	(61)
	Alaska's Mt. Redoubt finally erupts, reports indicate that Palin can indeed see it from her house	(288)
	Darwin Award Nomination: Three salvagers die trying to saw through bomb	(79)
	...so here's a bunny wrapped up in a taco	(94)
	"Liberace of Astrology" loses rights to own name...you would think he'd see this coming	(59)
(Some Green Thumb)	Photoshop this urban garden	(41)
	"I started smoking weed when I was 17, because that is just what you do if you like the Beatles. If this were America, I could probably now sue Paul McCartney wholly on this basis"	(319)
	Truck-o-naught tribute a testament to transcending totalitarianism. Totalmente	(25)