Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for 2009-03-22

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Sun March 22, 2009

	Las Vegas man stung over 2,000 times by "killer" bees expected to survive. You've got to bee kidding me	(150)
(France24)	Paris youths clash over condoms after morning services at Notre-Dame Cathedral. What a mass	(58)
	Man tackled and arrested after punching police horse outside Orlando nightclub. Man unharmed, horse in stable condition	(68)
	Truck spills 8,000 gallons of milk after crashing into a drainage ditch. Emergency responders were emotionally detached	(50)
(Some kind of bust)	Agent Kimberly and Agent Dawn of Lipstick Bail Bonds want to slap their pink handcuffs on and humiliate you. In other news, bail jumping has dramatically increased in Southern California	(75)
(France24)	Not enough time to pray, chant, or find right direction toward Mecca? For modest monthly fee, computers will recite prayers for those "too busy in this Information Age"	(141)
	66-year-old has more than 1,200 gnomes in her garden. It's about time to say "gnome-ore."	(74)
	Fedex cargo jet crashes at Narita Airport in Tokyo. Here's the video	(281)
	Plane crashes into big Butte. 17 confirmed dead	(263)
	Romania considering making kissing your sister as exciting as, well, kissing your sister	(118)
	15 kangaroos escape from Australian theme park in southern France, hope to make it back to their ancestral home in the Alps. France surrenders	(51)
	Nicolas Cage's hair is a bird. His box office competition is irrelevant	(225)
	College student will complete degree program by sleeping with 10 guys, then marrying one of them. And you thought liberal arts degrees were silly	(236)
(NY1)	Recently-retired NY cardinal loosens the collar a bit, opens the door to accepting the inevitable end of celibacy for priests, says Sally Field was hittable as hell in "The Flying Nun"	(79)
	British intelligence scoured UFO reports for information about new American military aircraft being developed behind their back, still can't explain the alien who spoke with a Scandinavian accent to the lady walking her dog	(61)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this upgrade to man's best friend	(52)
	Rural Mexican villagers seeking protection from outlaw gangs ignore The Three Amigos, The Magnificent Seven, and The High Plains Drifter...and dig moats	(84)
(Some Chick)	Police seize $26K found in Jeep pulled over for going 62 in a 50-mph zone because the driver could not give an adequate reason for having that much cash	(487)
	One of the few good things about the economic downturn: more women with college degrees turning to stripping, posing for spank rags, and doing porn flicks	(155)
	Egypt wants a 3,000-year-old coffin smuggled to the US over a century ago returned. US tells Egypt that they can take it up with Brendan Frasier	(70)
	U.S. considering allowing the Taliban to form political party in Afghanistan. So much for the War On Terror™	(184)
	Today's crappy slideshow courtesy of Forbes showcases the many careers of Barbie. Because responsible financial reporting is their business	(18)
	Man holding X-acto knife shot dead by police, who then proceed to delete video of the event. This episode of "was that wrong to do?" police corruption brought to us by Tex... wait... Canada??	(161)
	British brewery set to brew first authentic batch of India Pale Ale in 200 years by making it aboard a ship in the North Sea	(64)
	Family who owns the fomer funeral home featured in the new film "A Haunting in Connecticut" say it isn't haunted, ask the amatuer ghost hunters to stay off their lawn because they're scaring the kids	(84)
(Dude, they're 12)	In December, some Farkers with very big hearts supported a middle school girls' chorus. Here's a thank you	(65)
	Now that parking meter rates have quintupled in Chicago drivers are doing the one thing that the revenue hungry Mayor never planned for: staying home. That sound you hear is local business owners sharpening their pitchforks	(176)
	Octo-mom won't reveal name of father. In other news, David Crosby breathes sigh of relief	(80)
	Paper reacts to publishing false raunchy photos that cost woman election with a heartfelt "our bad"	(87)
	Problem: global warming. Solution: Turn off your power for an hour on 3/28. [Next up: world violence. Solution: be nice]	(195)
	Ugly-ass pink baby elephant spotted in Botswana. No, the spotters had not been drinking and yes, there are pics	(30)
	Another casualty of the recession: Bridezilla	(240)
	Mother, undergoing sex change to become a man, says she will be the father to the twins she is pregnant with after she marries her female partner. The Aristocrats	(119)
(Some Guy)	Guy wins $22.5M lawsuit after catching polio from newly vaccinated daughter's dirty diaper. See honey, there's a legitimate reason why dads shouldn't change diapers	(59)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this rock climbing cutie	(49)
(MaineToday.com)	Meet Max, the jail dog. Your dog doesn't want to pick up your dropped soap	(36)
	Wild turkeys menace truckers at a Michigan service shop. WKRP's Les Nessman has been called in to resolve the situation	(36)
	Maurice LaMarche (voice of "The Brain" and wicked Shatner impressionist on "The Critic" and "Animaniacs") declares today "International Talk Like William Shatner Day." Bonus: He's ... even ... Canadian	(106)
	I'm a loanshaaark, I'm a loanshaaark, suck my diiiiick, I'm a loanshaaark	(71)
(kitv.com)	Jellyfish invasion closes bay. How spineless	(35)
	If you're going to set fire to your best friend's shoelaces, it might be an idea to have a hose ready. Y'know, just in case	(33)
	Two bodies found in Scottish loch, two men still missing. Bigfoot and Elvis sought for questioning after large, shadowy creature was spotted around the scene	(28)
	Old and busted: Sleepwalking. New hotness: Sleepf*cking	(81)
	Man suffers terminal injuries in biker brawl at Sydney Airport	(30)
	To err is human, to rob a Chinese restaurant while four police officers are eating there is farkin' stupid	(28)
	Wax ban on, wax ban off. Issue likely to come back again, only thicker, fuller and darker	(57)
	Seismologists puzzled by "swarm" of small earthquakes near Hanford nuclear waste site. Godzilla unavailable for comment	(87)
	Son takes his father's ashes to the doctor to stop endless appointment reminders. Fark: his father died in 2007	(38)
(Independent.ie)	Erin Go Dragh: A male Irish journalist writes a hard-hitting report on how it felt to try on high heels (w/pic & bonus typo in headline)	(66)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Haitian phalacrus	(32)
	Two die as African crowd stampedes into stadium to hear Pope speak. They must have been wearing condoms	(106)

Sat March 21, 2009

(Eagle Tribune)	It is nice to have a girlfriend show up in court to support you. Not so nice to have two show up and begin fighting	(36)
	Florida seeking to ban ruff sex	(178)
	Bizarre career choice of the day: Earthworm fiddler (w/video)	(33)
	"I am the first person in my family to reach 16 without getting pregnant -- or getting somebody pregnant"	(114)
(WV Regional Jail)	Sorry, we are out of gold paint today. How about some white?	(249)
(WPBF)	Old and busted: Arrested for drunk driving. New hotness: Arrested for drunk breastfeeding	(44)
	For $400 here is the Answer: Fight outside a Trailer Park that involves an ax. How do you know the season is changing, Alex? (with picture)	(28)
(KY3)	If you give someone a key and pay them to burn down your strip mall for insurance, make sure they relock the doors and pick up their kerosene cans	(19)
	Pope condemns sorcery. Verdicts on alchemy, phrenology and necromancy still out	(138)
(Some Poughkeepsie)	After being out crazied recently by the Mormons (prop 8) and Fox News (24hrs a day), and wanting more publicity, Fred Phelps has decided that "God hates Natasha Richardson"	(236)
	Preacher promotes his church through shot glasses. "I do things a little differently than other pastors."	(30)
	You flip 16 tons, what do you get, 5000 evacuated and one hell of a mess. Rt. 33 is closed so you can't go, guess he won't swerve to miss deer no more	(79)
	Photoshop theme: Unlikely superhero movies	(74)
	The latest casualty of the economic crisis? Pet health. Your dog wants an analgesic for his arthritic hip	(73)
	Clorox offering $5,000 and a year's worth of cleaning supplies to catch "Toilet Torcher." Of course, if Adrian Monk catches him, that year's worth of cleaning supplies is going to cost millions	(40)
	A black day for Guidos everywhere	(257)
	Actual Headline: "She tried to flush baby down the toilet; then it gets weird" Behold the power of Fark	(90)
	Americans said to be "stirring up hatred against the Indians." This is not a repeat from the 1800s	(128)
	First Western tourists visit Iraq; report that the daily air shows, nightly foreworks, edge of your seat adventure and reasonably priced accomodations make it a better value than Disney	(86)
(The State - Columbia, SC)	You drink when you're happy, you drink when you're sad	(97)
(Some Guy)	Why it's okay for newspapers to die. "It's akin to the loss of the horse and buggy"	(207)
	Jenna Bush's secret service van ticketed by Baltimore police, gets towed. That's some fine police work there, Lou	(88)
(Some Guy)	Meet the baddest mo-fo crocodile on the planet, with pic awesomeness	(74)
	Wisconsinites rejoice as the U.S. Cheese Championship trophy finally returns to its birthplace	(66)
(Some Gal)	The most amazing My Little Pony sculptures you'll see all neigh	(51)
	Miami-Dade school district puts off shakedown of school clubs. Returns to checking couch for loose change	(22)
	Funeral home owner arrives at work 9:30 a.m. to find hearse stolen. Thief likely an early mourning person	(33)
	Hard-hit families have made a staggering discovery as the credit crisis bites... food doesn't have to come pre-packaged, you can actually grow it in the ground. Who knew?	(102)
	Internet tough guy sentenced to 30 years	(126)
	Sights and sounds: Lingerie Football League tryouts. Seriously... why are you still reading this headline?	(65)
	Having a giant sex shop sign on your window helps you sell more flowers. Would you look at the pistils on that?	(34)
	Mental hospital escapee policy changes after nut bolted	(15)
	Fastest growing age group to join the 'net are those ages 70 to 75. Hey Drew, where's our AARP tag?	(54)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this horseless carriage	(26)
	Caption this traditional Japanese business transaction	(37)
	New study shows that happy employees have a much better shot at keeping their jobs than their negative coworkers. Like the really happy researchers who got paid for this ridiculous study	(38)
	Girl Scouts reinvent themselves to "tap into relevant issues of the day", like talking to girls outside your social circle or modeling new uniforms	(35)
(Shoreham Herald)	News: Tess the cat thrown from a car. Not News: Hides under shopping carts for a week. Fark: Is rescued in time for Caturday. Ultrafark: The most adorable black kitteh picture you will see today	(436)
	'If women were in charge we wouldn't be in this economic mess'	(273)
	The most unfortunately amusing picture of a baby elephant and trainer you'll see today	(38)
	The new drug of choice in Middle School: Smarties	(110)
	14-year-old boy's school assignment includes purchasing condoms and competing with classmates to see who could place one fastest on a wooden penis. Apparently some parents have a problem with this	(57)
	Police only ask suspects to 'come down to the station' because they're lonely	(17)
	Federal judge says Christian church in Ashland, OR can import, distribute and brew hallucinogenic tea. What Would Jesus Brew?	(92)
(Some Guy)	Those new larger ambulances aren't just for fatter patients, as most new EMS recruits are fatties too	(40)
	Mother and baby stranded in tree for days after river floods. Rescuers throw rope, which she grabs and heads safely for shore. Nope, it's not what you were expecting at all.. w/pics	(71)
	Woman lists the reasons why she's still single after her husband died. It's not clear what killed him, but from the article it's pretty obvious he welcomed the sweet, sweet kiss of death	(305)
	If you're one of the growing number of Israeli woman dodging the draft for religious reasons, better not wear a tight shirt and kiss your boyfriend in public	(94)
	See Dick. See Dick send dirty texts to kids. See Dick go to jail. Dick	(33)
	Two-year-old boy threatened with restraining order by Nanny State for "verbally abusing adults"	(50)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this convention center concept	(47)

Fri March 20, 2009

(Some Guy)	Student saves teacher by dislodging nuts from her mouth	(37)
	Special Olympics goes full r-word	(404)
(Some Guy)	Are adult diapers really that flammable? Depends	(50)
	Cover your ex-girlfriend's car in silly string, syrup, oatmeal, toilet paper, and plastic wrap ... then key it, write nasty stuff all over it and pee in the vents? Your better believe THAT'S a felony	(114)
	Octo-WTF?	(62)
	Mom writes "DumbAss" on her kid's forehead	(141)
	Although it might make for a great scene in an adult movie, woman is not happy that deputies made her spend her wedding night in a cell with 15 or 20 other women while still wearing her wedding dress	(47)
(officer.com)	Woman puts boot on police squad parked in law office lot. Guess what happened next?	(108)
	Cadaver dogs on way to Aruba to find remains of Natalee Holloway	(97)
	Photoshop this surreal snail slide	(49)
	The eyes have it on this week's The Smoking Gun's mugshot roundup	(231)
	Schools starting later to let students sleep in, better preparing them for unemployment	(106)
	Woman goes in for tummy tuck. Doctors accidentally give facelift. She's furious, but she can't stop smiling	(51)
	"Pom Pom, you have been and always will be my dog, but today, I gotta play the strategy card. I'm goin' with Pom Pom"	(64)
(Pocketfives.com)	Online poker player from Germany makes $10,000 in 15 days by grinding up to 700 sit & go tournaments a day	(79)
(War on Terror News)	Sergeant saves his patrol by charging enemy fighters despite grenade wounds, gets Silver Star, Brass Nutsack awards	(113)
	To be fair, it's the question most people in the western world are asking	(68)
	Golf cart rage strikes again	(32)
(Some Guy)	Seattle now cracking down on off-leash dogs, leaving people to wonder why the laws are $uddenly being enfor¢ed	(135)
(Fargo Forum)	Trio charged with trashing Moorhead, MN hotel room, nihilism, kidnapping Fawn Knutsen	(65)
	And in Florida they found out that the ambulances arrive too quickly so they are planning cuts in the service to delay response to a reasonable level	(111)
	Birds of a feather disappear together	(59)
	Woman who carved up her lover's arm during a drink and drug-fuelled fling is back on the dating scene, still cuts a fine figure	(88)
	After a student sends a state senator a poorly written letter questioning why lawmakers are cutting education funds, senator writes back criticizing the student's poor education. Bonus: the student is a special needs kid	(306)
(Sheboygan Press)	Church pastor cited for shooting arrow during service. At least he got his point across	(42)
(Some Guy)	Woman accused of spray painting obscenities on several cars and a shed after her ex-boyfriend began talking to other women. (w/ "you'd probably spray paint it" mugshot)	(123)
	Autistic teen not guilty in mother's death, keeps muttering something about Sand People	(102)
	"The man landed completely naked on the floor of the business -- pepperoni and all"	(30)
	So tell me Miss Hinze, what was it that first attracted you to billionaire Jim Clark?	(136)
	Woman calls cops after finding rare shipment of white bananas	(97)
(Lowell Sun)	Taking a picture of a kid's haircut? That's a firin'	(66)
	Just like everything else at Whole Foods, "deadly spider" is probably just regular old spider with lots of false hype	(198)
(Some Guy)	Forty things every Southerner ought to do. 'His sister' surprisingly absent	(523)
	"Normally when you see a squirrel, it's just a squirrel. But now it's like I know him. He's a very worthy adversary"	(101)
(Some Guy)	The Ultimate Guide to Twitter	(92)
	Music teacher jailed for playing in A Minor	(145)
	Two drug suspects toss over $17,000 out of their truck during police chase. San Diego motorists happy to participate in the bailout program	(56)
(The Charlotte Observer)	Saint loses his head. Firm says it's Innocent. Cops say more busts expected. Submitter not Catholic	(20)
	Russian fighter jets bug out when Maverick and Goose come to visit after they flew over naval wessels	(245)
	British Government under fire for new ad campaign which apparently encourages women to go out and have lots of casual sex	(102)
	FINAL REMINDER: Boston St. Paddy's Pub Crawl, March 21. DIT, LGT previous thread	(62)
	March 23 named "best day to buy a car" as media give up and don't care that people can see they're just making crap up	(82)
	Somalis tell bin Laden: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of hawayij	(52)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: Incriminating evidence	(28)
	Beer + Porn in one handy package: After this we'll forgive the Austrians anything	(103)
	Relatives outraged that man was shot by police. Just kidding, they're cool with it	(50)
	Australia considers allowing tourists to take part in crocodile-killing safaris, stick thumbs up their asses	(16)
	Your very own Disney police scanner, only with this month's edition of Mickey Mouse magazine	(24)
	Montreal student thwarts planned U.K. school attack by calling police after a message board posting. Actual quote from the article, "The internet is serious business"	(82)
	CIA under fire for taking intelligence contacts to strip clubs, hiring hookers to blow their covers	(48)
	Cool: man travels 80,000 miles in 25 years to pursue his heart's desire. Weird: his heart's desire is a bean label collection	(33)
	Man indicted by local authorities after shooting and killing a toilet seat	(26)
	The careers of two US Navy Captains just ended	(230)
	AIG tells its employees to avoid wearing AIG apparel (bags, shirts, umbrellas, etc.) or badges with AIG insignia. And watch out for people coming at you with pitchforks	(381)
(Some Guy)	"The young naked man approached her with this poodle, and she immediately realized something peculiar"	(67)
	Photoshop Theme: Lifestyles of the Rich and Stupid	(21)
	Protip: when torching your car for insurance fraud purposes, do NOT set yourself on fire as well	(25)
	Texas court says man who ripped out and ate his only eye is sane enough to be executed. He doesn't see it that way	(163)
	Dude, there are rules	(157)
(Some Guy)	Having a bad day: getting arrested for robbing a jewelry store. Having a really bad day: getting robbed by two other robbers while on the way out of the jewlery store and then getting arrested	(22)
(Art Daily)	Hindus having a cow over art exhibit featuring photograph of a nude man that says "Hinduism"	(36)
	If you are going to blame your speeding fine on someone else, it's probably best to pick someone that is actually alive. Especially if you are a retired judge and a national "living treasure"	(27)
(Some Driller)	Photoshop this man working his crank	(37)
	Woman blames Satan for causing her to steal $73,000 from church. If only there were a place to go for help against evil	(53)
(Some Guy)	When the government gives you condoms to protect you from AIDS, don't use the lubricants for your hair and beauty regime, nor should you cut them up and use them as fishing lures. "If they're fishing, they're not f**king."	(44)
	青木ヶ原 (Suicideu Forestu)	(135)
	World's deadliest spider found in world's most pretentious grocery store	(126)
	Bush pilots lament outlawing of landing strips	(84)
	Old and Busted: Back alley abortions. New Hotness: Teens self-inducing abortions with chemicals intended to abort livestock	(289)
	City Councillor proposes a motion to buy government Minister a vibrator so that she can "go screw herself". All those in favour say "oh god, yes, yes"	(60)

Thu March 19, 2009

	There are four streetlights	(92)
	Obama already apologizing for making a joke on Leno about being no better than a Special Olympics bowler while occupying the White House, regrets any distress caused to George Bush as result	(lots)
	Now kids' sports teams are banning orange slices from games because the high level of acid in the fruit could damage children's teeth	(106)
(Some flighty guy)	"Plane wreckage found, pilot killed." Man, why'd they kill him when they found the wreckage	(57)
	Nine corporate attempts at "edgy" that failed (hilariously)	(178)
(Some Guy)	If you see a woman giving her dog an enema in public it might be best just to leave her alone	(66)
(TxAg)	Today's kiddie porn crusader caught with kiddie porn comes to us from Chambers County, Texas With perp walk video goodness	(93)
(Some Guy)	Woman fears her house will explode because of flammable water. Something tells me that if you can light your water on fire, you probably should stop calling it water	(115)
	Adult entertainment store adopts a highway in Connecticut. A big, long, hard, hot highway	(78)
	Photoshop theme: Advertising in the Middle Ages	(69)
	"Super Hooker," arrested for flashing a boob and offering a cop a $20 hummer, kicks the window out of a police cruiser. With mug shot goodness	(99)
	Teacher+Empty Classroom+Lotion=Dumbass	(112)
	Shop owner cuts litter in her village 40% by marking candy wrappers, bags of chips, and beverage containers with the names of the kids who buy them	(89)
	Man arrested for standing in his window every wednesday and flashing his junk. His reason? Because it's the only day he has to himself	(67)
	Judge orders snowmobiler to witness an autopsy. That's cold	(59)
	The feds crack down on illegal rattlesnake sales. This country is no fun anymore	(69)
	Painting that was Sir Walter Raleigh then William Shakespeare is now Sir Thomas Overbury	(49)
	If you plan to take pictures of your junk on your cell phone to send to your girlfriend, make sure your Bluetooth is turned off. Especially if you're a tram driver	(66)
	77% of New Zealanders polled are against the ban on smacking their children as punishment. The other 23% are obviously childless	(124)
	Protip: If you're going to have your mother evicted, make sure she's not planning on leaving you something in her will	(54)
	Library pulls one of the "Twilight" books after a parent complains about a honeymoon scene in which sex is implied between the central characters	(233)
	You sold the SUV and bought a prius? You buy only locally grown produce? You recycle? Too bad the flowers in your yard are destroying the environment	(62)
	Nanny state pulls ad of Angelina Jolie firing guns off of television, since nobody in Britain has ever seen a gun and would not be able to handle their poor little eyes seeing such a horrible weapon of mass destruction in action	(102)
	New Disney store is now marketing its iconic characters with an edge, complete with Mickey flashing a peace sign and Minnie looking like Paris Hilton. "We've really pushed the envelope."	(92)
	WWII vet is lured to high school expecting to give speech about his experiences, instead is surprised with honorary diploma he never received 69 years ago	(115)
	The Atlantic hurricane season is predicted to be a mild one which means if you live on the Atlantic or Gulf cost...you're screwed	(112)
	Potato chips found to clog arteries, interstates	(29)
	Tsunami warning after 7.9 magnitude earthquake 300 miles off the coast of Tonga	(122)
	School chops down hedge separating their property from adjacent home, so homeowner does the only logical thing and marches up and down the street carrying a protest sign. In a bikini. While pregnant	(97)
	West African dictator rounds up 1,000 suspected witches and ships them off to a camp, where they are given hallucinogenic drugs, beaten and forced to confess to being a witch. Says American military has taught him he can gitmo witches this way	(167)
	Hamas threatens Shalit; Ebert, Roeper moved to undisclosed, secure location	(157)
	Pope urges Catholic priests to rock their hats, start sportin' it fresh. Word	(77)
	Pastor guilty of spanking 12-year-old girl during counseling sessions, where he was treating her for sexual abuse. Submitter's no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong	(256)
	Seattle fire official misuses position to demand VIP Hannah Montana tickets	(47)
	Strip club sponsoring job fair to give nurses, librarians options during `desperate' times	(100)
	If little Johnny has 12 Big Macs and he eats 3 an hour, how long will it be before he's a fat bastard?	(91)
	Veterinarians discover bovine equivalent of Octomom. Will soon appear on Moooory Povich	(35)
	Six years after the invasion of Iraq, where are some of the main players now?	(78)
	Boy named War now six years old in Iraq, still good for absolutely nothing	(64)
(Daily Gleaner)	Mayor creates Facebook group to prove his town supports a new Costco. Since you're reading this on Fark, you can pretty much guess how that went	(63)
	Indiana high school basketball coach gets picked up on a DUI, then the cops drive him to the big game, 45 miles away. Bonus: coach said he takes prescription methadone	(60)
	Female dock worker involved in pissing match with union	(54)
	Woman falls through ice on Walden Pond. She was rescued after a Thoreau search	(78)
	Vatican edits Pope's words so that they're only slightly ridiculous	(234)
	Protip: If you insist on going out to rob Pizza Hut and a gas station, find a babysitter for your kids	(46)
	Swedish woman spends over $400,000 on a plastic spray bottle filled with fake holy water. Hastur unimpressed	(137)
	Choose life. Choose a hobby. Choose a camera. Choose being banned from taking photographs of trains because it's considered a security risk. Choose ending up on Fark	(105)
(Quad Cities Online)	Bad: Your bike gets stolen. Good: Somebody chases the thief down. Awesome: That somebody is the BMX legend who created Standard Bykes	(89)
	Josef Fritzl sentenced to spend the rest of his life incarcerated against his will in small artificially-lit room, and live in constant fear of being raped	(179)
	Registrants who paid online to attend a paranormal convention astonished when convention and their money suddenly vanish	(62)
	Texas teachers accused of forcing students to engage in cage fights in school basement: "It was gladiator-style entertainment for the staff"	(115)
(Some Guy)	Bomb squad called in after Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch found in British pub. No, really	(118)
	Some Gitmo detainees may be released in the US, according to Attorney General Eric Holder. Look on the bright side: If Holder has his way, at least they won't be able to buy an assault weapon	(711)
	Student suspended for farting	(210)
(Some Four Horsemen)	Sign of the apocalypse #2146: Buick and Jaguar tie for first place in vehicle reliability study	(157)
(Daily Bulldog.com)	It's oak-a to make beer and wine from trees, but why wood yew?	(57)
	Photoshop this guy in a wedding dress....and the gnome man in the background	(46)
	It's time for the annual "March Madness costs businesses billions of dollars in lost productivity" story	(163)
	Lobster: the new bologna	(145)
	Study finds that money DOES buy happiness	(168)
	600 pounds of ammonium nitrate missing in Florida. It could be used for making bombs, but since it's Florida, expect a follow-up involving two cows, a divorced retiree and a convenience store	(47)
	If you are assembling a model of the solar system while swabbing yourself for DNA at the same time you're enjoying a nice bag of microwave popcorn...you're really screwed	(50)
	Europe living beyond its means in terms of water use. French promise to reduce showers from once a week to once a month	(58)
(Some Guy)	Early contender in the MOTY contest leaves infant in car while trading marijuana for pills	(28)
	Media Whore Ted Haggard and wife to appear on Divorce Court. Expect irreconcilable differences and she does not have a penis to be the basis of his complaint	(122)
	Grenade found on golf course. Carl Spackler sought for questioning	(48)
	News: 56-year old mother supports Marine son Fark: By joining the army Totalfark: She already outranks him	(88)
	Crazy old cat lady in legal trouble after her felines were found in the freezer. Again	(54)
	Couple poses as brother and sister to scam nuns out of $800,000. Couple now faces jail, eternal damnation	(41)
	Beekeeper gets stung by Police after murdering rival for his honey pots. Caught after barrel of stolen honey falls on him. Oh Pooh	(34)
(Some Guy)	School principal pulls knife on student, offers to cut off his tattoos. Apparently some people have a problem with this	(68)
(Some Chick)	When the bartender asks you to leave, it is not very lady-like to begin pulling hair, scratching and biting the boobs of customers	(33)
	Ever wonder what America's favorite nutball, Charles Manson, is looking like these days? Here's a prison photo taken yesterday	(231)
	Confessions of a White Guy with an Afro	(81)
	Airline stewardess exposed as pornstar. Apparently someone thought this WASN'T the coolest thing ever	(240)
	Transportation worker accused of giving beer to crew of inmates. Andy Dufresne approves	(22)
	Moonshiner "Popcorn" Sutton takes his own life. Moment of silence, please. Excellent mugshot	(107)
	UK Government: There will be no further official commemoration of D-Day until its centenary (when all those annoying veterans involved will be dead, reducing costs considerably)	(70)
(Some Guy)	Bacon. "It's everything you could ask for in a food. It's sweet, smoky, salty, rich. It's so versatile."	(104)
	Not pulling over fast enough for the police? That's a ramming	(119)
	Restaurant introduces "credit crunch dinner menu" letting diners decide their own prices, soon to go out of business	(26)
	Colorado soccer coach is accused of having sex with teen. But the real story here is the guy's mug shot (with who-would-be-attracted- to-that pic)	(61)
	Princess Leia's body pulled from Mississippi River	(104)
	Photoshop this pogo hop	(33)
	Cats rock... but they only play concerts when they feel like it	(28)
	Officials get all emu and close a motorcycle stunt show at an ostrich festival after a second cyclist is injured in a freak accident. No rhea	(26)
	Interactive map of the current drug war in Mexico	(139)
	Today's sign the economy sucks: Half Price Wednesday at the zoo practically closes major Interstate	(44)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 202: Tableau. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(85)

Wed March 18, 2009

	Washington gambling officials would like to remind you that all those NCAA betting pools in your office are illegal. Also wants to remind you there are 20 casinos located throughout the state open and ready for your business	(67)
	First two octuplets come home. If Nadya beats this level, she can unlock up to six more characters	(143)
	Look a snake. How hard can this Steve Irwin thing be ... AAAAAAAARGH	(90)
	Got mini milk? Miniature cows milk the cuteness for all it is worth	(85)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient is: Eyes	(64)
	SF man to go to Vegas to defend his air hockey championship. Feels he will be remembered for it like Dan, the hop-scotch king, and Steve, that guy that you couldn't beat at Mortal Combat	(66)
(Some Guy)	Just cause your friend asks you to punch him in the nose doesn't mean you should	(48)
	Love Actually will never be the same (updated link)	(364)
	If you gave birth to a baby on a flight from Samoa to Auckland this morning, and left it behind, police would like to have a word with you	(57)
	In an effort to encourage fancy book learnin', Georgia city curfew now forbids children 17 and younger from being in public places during school days	(92)
	Man escapes custody despite being shackled to bed in a hospital gown. Bonus: Cop guarding him gets tasered with his own taser	(70)
	Court rules that a 5-foot-9, 300 pound cop can keep his job because he maintained a 'fair' level of physical wellness according to the department's standards	(164)
	Religious cancer patients forced by God to live longer with cancer before He finally lets them in	(551)
	When looking for ways to trim the town's budget, don't even think about eliminating doughnuts from the local senior center's morning coffee club. "No one has the right to tell seniors what to eat."	(44)
(Some Moran)	If you're going to spend $185K on a new Porsche, don't take it to somewhere like Circuit City to have the stereo replaced	(163)
	35 of the most depressing photographs you will see today. If you're looking at this at work, count yourself lucky	(423)
	Network news show will try to determine if Satan exists in 30-minutes or less. "Historically, when times are difficult, Satan increases in popularity"	(98)
	Doctor prescribes "a good shag" to woman complaining of panic attacks. I wonder if you can get those on the NHS?	(86)
	Times are tough when your $43 million divorce agreement won't cover your $53 thousand-a-week living expenses	(95)
	Unwed motherhood reaches its highest numbers ever in the US, Bristol Palin nods approvingly	(221)
	Wurst. Museum. Ever	(66)
(KVAL)	Oregon lawmaker proposes bill allowing bicyclists to ignore stop signs. This should end well	(207)
	Hospice Chaplain forbidden from using the word 'God'	(172)
	Teacher arrested for making student eat out of the garbage. Bonus: One of the most hilarious photos you'll ever see attached to a story	(122)
	Protip: If you ask the cops to examine your laptop because you suspect your ex-boyfriend used it to search for kiddy pr0n, make sure to delete those videos of you getting it on with a beagle named Toby	(549)
	Cat Wig? Anti-Eating Face Mask? Why are they called the worst inventions ever?	(75)
	If you're going to try to foil the cops on your pee test with a Whizzinator, make sure you match up the color with your own skin tone	(56)
	It's not every day you find a tiger's head on the side of the road. But no reason to let it interrupt your trip to the mall	(36)
	"Blind kids on the brink of being shown the door." Well, maybe not "shown", exactly	(32)
	Photoshop this substitute swing	(31)
	You can tell the recession has hit home when soulless suburban douchebags have to do their own chores. Won't someone think of the soulless suburban douchebags?	(289)
	Mail carrier saves woman from burning house, completes her mail route. She must be new	(34)
	Teen earns badass points for reeling in 340-pound shark. But not as many badass points as his 551-pound shark last year. With badass pic	(233)
	Survey reveals that most people don't use recipes when making dinner, many journalists don't use good judgment when choosing topics	(106)
(Some Guy)	New Jersey state police investigating stash of 17 dead squirrels found in 14 plastic bags, labelled with names "Trav" and "Davon"	(67)
	Asian postmaster in Britain refuses to serve customers who don't speak English: "If you come to Britain you have got to speak English"	(304)
(WDBO)	Next, on a very special episode of Maury, Casey Anthony's brother Lee learns that he IS NOT the father of Caylee	(72)
	TV stations increasingly promoting women to anchors: "The average woman out of school, if you dress her up and put makeup on, she looks like an adult. The average guy coming out of school looks like he's coming out of puberty"	(130)
	Spring class about pirates at University of Chicago becoming so popular they plan on offering it all yarrr	(59)
	Mother buys toy parrot for her baby girl, is surprised to find out it swears like a Norwegian Blue: "I'm going to rip your head off and shiat down your neck"	(67)
	Are you smarter than a police recruit? Sample question from civil service exam - Choose the correct spelling of the word: A) maryjuana B) marijuana C) majuana D) all incorrect	(110)
	You're cleaning your house WITH CANCER	(69)
(920 WHJJ)	Hungry, Why wait?: Bite your kid's principal	(26)
	"High school drivers' education has not only not been shown to prevent injuries and crashes, it has actually, in some studies, been shown to increase them"	(63)
(Some Guy)	DUI CT PO rolls her SUV and has her kid sent to DCF. E-I-E-I-O	(40)
	School proms increasingly being cancelled as officials fear they are turning into "bling-fests" with 13-year-olds trying to outspend each other	(163)
	Forgive and Forget? Not in this small New England town where residents have threatened to burn down the Pastor's house	(76)
	Breakfast clubs 'benefit pupils', who accept the fact that they had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was they did wrong	(80)
	Five horrifying tales of 911 incompetence: "911 Emergency, go fark yourself"	(88)
	In prison, pot sells for 10 times the street price, but that may be because sellers have a captive audience	(45)
	Pet dogs and pet alligators are being abandoned in Boston. Fortunately this is a self-correcting problem	(32)
(WCPO)	Rolling gun battle leaves two dead and closes major interstate for most of the day. Baghdad? Detroit? Nope, Cincinnati	(59)
	Charges: Jumping on handcuffed teen's back causing serious injury. Testimony: Officer Porter said, 'I don't know why I do that. It's just something I do lately. I guess I just like the way they sound.' Jury: Not guilty	(133)
	Dear Miss Bride-to-be: Sorry about your fiance dying of cancer. No, you can't have the deposit back. Sincerely, Wedding Venue Inc	(299)
	Irish-born computer hacker who works on U.S. military base in Baghdad uses elaborate hacking methods to (a) steal identies and money; (b) hijack national infrastructure; or (c) request nude pictures of teenage girls in Florida	(94)
	A bill in Texas legislature would require teens to have a doctor's note to go to a tanning salon. Oh, and a parent needs to be with the teen. Well that takes all the fun out of getting skin cancer	(67)
(Some Dumbo)	Disney park's 'Piggy Bank Adventure' to teach families how to save money. How to save $79 per day per person plus hotel and food costs strangely absent from theme	(96)
(The London Paper)	You may think that you've seen some stupid stretched vehicles, but that's only because you haven't been introduced to the horror that is the stretch moped yet	(88)
	New Oxford study shows that obesity can trim up to a decade off a person's lifespan. Fat people respond by noting their quality of life is higher as they are able to stuff more into it	(207)
	Trial lawyers all atwitter over jurors' online posts	(22)
	Conservation body argues that reintroducing beavers to Britain could boost wildlife and reduce flooding, not to mention saving hundreds of pounds in shaving costs	(26)
	Obama and his national security advisers considering expanding the covert war in Pakistan, looking up the word covert in a dictionary	(51)
	Dog eats family's savings, but returns the cash in his deposits	(32)
	When considering appropriate locations to teach your girlfriend to drive, be sure to account for all the possible risks, especially where you might run into an aircraft	(17)
	Joseph Fritzl changes plea from "not guilty" to "biggest Austrian douchebag since Hitler"	(176)
	Ahh springtime. The air is getting warmer, the flowers are starting to bloom, and the tourists are falling from hotel balconies	(33)
	What would Jesus do on spring break? "Satan is strong here...But remember: Every person is a person for whom Christ died, whether they're wearing a lot of clothes or no clothes at all."	(160)
	Two hospitals throw away 150 meals every day - while at the same time discharging patients suffering from malnutrition	(39)
	Nutjob gets all stabby on guy sitting and eating at Manchester Burger King, then it gets weird	(54)
(Some Guy)	Several states considering more robust safety regulations for scooters, mopeds, and other rides that are fun until your friends see you	(39)
	Ruth Madoff is hiding at her $9.4 million untouchable beachside house in Florida where she will relax, sun herself, and cackle at her husband's stupid victims	(108)
(Kingston Freeman)	Perv puts camera in Starbucks bathroom, leaves picture of self on camera. Now he's on Fark	(47)
	Photoshop theme: Cartoon Wars	(50)
	Germany is in the midst of economic turmoil and job losses are mounting. That can only mean one thing: Nazism is experiencing a resurgence. Someone should warn Poland	(311)
(Better than a van by the river)	Woman injuried in house fire. Not Fark news you say? Well her home was a tool shed that her husband and daughter lived in as well	(56)
	Police called after 13-year-old girl finishes her state comprehensive test in two minutes, starts smacking her gum, and asks "What?"	(158)
	Not news: Couple goes horseback riding on a date. News: Couple gets attacked while on horseback. Fark: By "attack donkeys"	(24)
	Children of cousins 'have greater risk of catching infectious disease', greater risk of not knowing who to give the card to on Father's Day, especially in Alabama	(56)
	Tennessee Senate passes bill encouraging use of methane gas. The "Pull My Finger Act" now heads to the House for deliberation	(25)
	If the police catch you driving drunk, you probably aren't helping your cause by pulling out a gun and screaming "YOU RUINED MY PLANS"	(44)

Tue March 17, 2009

	Arizona Attorney General : "The violence that we see in Mexico is fueled 65 to 70 percent by the trade in one drug: marijuana." Hmm... if only there was some way to stop the illegal trade of this substance	(452)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this cargo bay	(74)
	Having solved all the state's other problems, Arizona lawmakers are now deciding whether to legalize consumer-grade fireworks. "It is time to get rid of the 'nanny state'"	(122)
	Foreclosed homes may seem like a good deal, so long as you don't get Chinese drywall or now, killer bees	(74)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)	Remember when your mom asked, "If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?" Four mothers have an answer	(132)
	The "Heidi Fleiss of Houston" is busted. The client list has more than 1,500 names, including professional athletes, doctors, and lawyers. In other news divorce lawyers in Houston are drooling	(123)
(Some Anti-Dentite)	Dude, if you're going to grow pot at home, don't have a burglar alarm that calls the police. Dude? Are you listening to me? Dude?	(37)
	Teens capture photos of space using only a balloon and £56 camera. That's rising to the occasion	(134)
	Food for monkey: $38. Cute clothes for the simian: $97. Having your monkey rip off your best friend's face: $50 million	(141)
	Nancy Grace interviews missing 5-year old's father who marries his 17-year old girlfriend, appeared on the Today show to say he doesn't want the media to focus on his personal life, headline getting too long	(72)
	boing boing boing boing boing boing bang thud HEY‼	(69)
(Some Guy)	Gushers Knob reports huge explosion	(27)
	If you can read this, and you are South African, your government would like you to confirm if you are in fact, legally alive	(40)
	Senate committee exploring 90% special tax for AIG bonus recipients, to be filed using form 1040FU	(399)
(MINA)	AIG employees disturbed by death threats, armed guards, delayed bonuses - if they show up at work at all. "I have a horrible, horrible, horrible feeling that this is going to end badly"	(351)
	Michigan considering high-speed rail. Spiffy tag is for the ability to get away from Detroit at 200 MPH	(89)
	Profile of a Real Live Supervillain: The Nuclear Pedophile	(61)
	Man wins $42.9 million on a slot machine. Staff say the machine malfunctioned, and please accept these four free buffet dinner coupons	(159)
	Top 10 raddest racing games EVER. Go Speed Racer Go	(210)
(WWL)	Detectives detain, debrief daddy-daughter dope-dealing duo	(44)
	Lawyer gets new trial for client because juror didn't reveal she was blind. High five	(50)
	Paralyzed man who regained use of legs after spider bite uses those legs to kick his wife's ass	(83)
	Maryland bill to ban texting while driving must now go through House. Pretty much the same thing you'll be doing if you keep texting while driving	(67)
	Old and busted: "jump the shark". New Hotness: "lesbian kiss of death"	(157)
(some masshole)	Tip for con artists targeting Massachusetts: Haverhill is pronounced Hāv-Ril, Worcester is pronounced WoosTah, and phone scams are wicked stupid	(206)
	North Korea opens its first pizzeria after Kim Jong-il demands North Koreans be allowed to eat the world's best foods. Favorite pies to include twig and moss thin crust, mud and burlap deep-dish, rat supreme	(133)
	County health officials trace whooping cough outbreak to high school wrestling championships. That's a shocker	(29)
	90 year old Chinese man can make a bra simply by looking at the woman's breasts. Good luck pal, I've been pitchin that one for years	(189)
	Street vendors in Toronto allowed to offer daring ethnic dishes, even though many Canadians will hurl them to the ground, complaining the exotic spices in things like corndogs hurt their mouths	(127)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this spray can	(49)
(Some Paddy)	Never hand a friend a knife, let a bird fly in the house, put a hat on a bed, give an empty purse as a gift, walk around a parking meter, have a baby look in a mirror, or allow Irish people to pick your superstitions for you	(120)
	If your friend asks you to come over and help him fix a pipe in his crawlspace, be sure to brush up on your "Raiders of the Lost Ark" one-liners ahead of time. Specifically: "Asps. Very deadly. You go first"	(84)
(Some Guy at the Door)	Pro tip: If the man at your door tells you "I'm the police" and "Take off your clothes" and "Where are the drugs?" he may not actually be a police officer	(46)
	However much it might suck, at least your job doesn't run the risk of accidental ebola infection	(44)
	17 pictures of the new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro, which begins production this week	(507)
	Canadian Gov't to Banks: Here's some money. Banks: No thanks, we're good	(113)
	Caterpillar--touted a few weeks ago by Obama as the epitome of the upcoming economic turnaround--laying off 2,500 workers	(294)
	Why eyewitness testimony is as reliable as a Fox News broadcast	(161)
	MSNBC writer swears we're farking cursing more	(88)
	'Dildo of destiny' leads to lottery win	(68)
	Pranav Veera can recite the names of the U.S. presidents in the order they served in office. He can say the alphabet backward. Give him a date back to 2000, and he'll tell you the day of the week. He's only 6 years old	(156)
	Another day, another attack over soda pop	(101)
	A bus of Americans and Canadians crash in Mexico... where do they bury the survivors?	(65)
	Justice Clarence Thomas says Americans don't make sacrifices like their parents, like being willing to drink a Coke with a pubic hair in it	(135)
	Rescued snowmobilers say they owe lives to TV's 'Survivorman'. Suck it Bear Grylls	(176)
	Busted bank robber discovers the cops won't fall for the old Fred Sanford "It's the big one" heart attack ploy twice	(16)
	Whole Foods fires employee for "misconduct" after he puts aside one tuna sandwich on a tray he was told to throw in a dumpster at the end of a shift so he can eat it	(278)
	Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, judge rules that an Irish tourist who slipped while dancing on a bar can't blame the bar owners for being drunk and dancing on a bar	(37)
	Whorehouse tries to fight recession downturn in business by offering to allow wives to participate. Yeah, good luck with that	(188)
	Before you gather 80 police officers and a helicopter and mount a dawn raid to arrest a suspected burglar, it's always worth making that final check that you don't already have him in custody	(34)
	US concludes largest-ever military sale to India -- eight patrol aircraft for $2.1 billion and free chicken tikka masala for the Pentagon's Diwali celebration	(81)
	12 noon: brand-new subway station opens in lower Manhattan. 12:20: water main breaks, brand-new subway station closes	(60)
	Protest using 2,600,000 pennies quashed over worries they would be too heavy and collapse the building	(84)
	"Hello, thank you for calling the Michigan Smoking Quit Line. Your call will be answered in the order it is received. Due to the high volume of calls, your expected wait time is approximately six months"	(32)
	Spring break partier gets buddy to hold beer, says "Watch this", stands on a chair on a sixth floor balcony. Thank god for sand dunes and sea oats	(68)
	Crane collapse kills two after "wholly untrained" workman unscrews the bolts at the bottom with colleagues 105 feet in the air	(74)
	When writing to the police to deny claims of drug use in your nightclub, remember to pick the writing paper that isn't covered in cocaine	(21)
	Australians launch probe into "longer lasting sex" company. Probe expected to last for several hours, and potentially involve some chafing	(27)
(Giles Corey)	Quarry worker had to leave work early due to pressing appointment elsewhere	(57)
	A short history of St. Patrick's Day. Or, if you prefer, the same pre-fab filler content that gets dusted off and reposted every year	(112)
	17 corned beef sandwiches in 10 minutes. Happy Saint Patr-OW, MY COLON	(49)
(Record Online)	Today's drunk driver picking up a drunk driver at court story is brought to you by Orange County, NY - with bonus Clonazepammy goodness	(11)
	Pope says using a condom actually increases the risk of AIDS. There goes the science	(362)
	If you are going to confess to murder on your death bed you might want to make sure you are actually on your death bed	(30)
	A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. A Florida lawyer gets you sent to jail because the judge is pissed off at him	(26)
	Voodoo pencil case for schoolkids is shaped like a body, comes with red and black heart-shaped pins, and has a space to put a small photo of your enemy. Who could possibly have a problem with that?	(54)
	Family of four weighs a combined 1160 pounds and gets $31,000 a year in benefits because they're too fat to work, but say it isn't enough - they're still hungry	(418)
	Canadian astronauts selected based on potential contribution to team. Stand outs include several pilots, two doctors and ... a kayaker?	(41)
	Nothing says Happy St Patty's Day like a story about a grave digging leprechaun. Guess this guy isn't your lucky charm	(48)
	Theme: New occupations for laid off 'Sesame Street' characters	(81)
	This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps and really can't be bothered to put your clothes back on afterwards (with bare-assed/not safe for work pic)	(45)
	Power thefts surge in bad economy, shocking few. I am re-volted by this electrifying news says former customer	(72)
	Impersonating a firefighter can get you arrested even if you help put out the fire	(31)
	Salmonella scare hits German supermarket. With picture of the amazing new German technique for detecting the presence of bacteria in meat	(35)
	Chilly truck driver decides to warm up in large industrial oven. What a half-baked idea that was	(31)
	Moral outrage erupts when 7-year-old schoolboy bumps into pole while ogling raunchy signs outside strip club	(48)
	Putting your hands over your eyes because a cop is shining a light in them? That's a shootin'	(163)
	If you're 40 years old, you're too old to be assaulting your girlfriend and mother for not giving you beer money	(45)
	Hospital-themed restaurant serves food resembling body parts that patrons devour using cutlery such as syringes, tweezers and scalpels	(76)
	Lynne Cheney faints, hospitalized after realising she's married to Dick Cheney	(100)

Mon March 16, 2009

	Man uses drive-thru to rob bank. Teller reported to be rather shaken up and very, very, very, very stupid	(77)
	If you're a sports commentator, it's never a good idea to compare a football tackle to a sexual assault. "He absolutely rapes him"	(92)
	Congrats to Fark, winner of 2009 Bloggies Lifetime Achievement Award	(80)
	Photoshop this interspecies introduction	(74)
	In attempt to increase tourism Tijuana comes up with "120 Things to Do in Tijuana" promotion. #1 Being kidnapped, #2 Being decapitated, #3 Robbed by corrupt police	(81)
	It's strange when a mom tries to get her 21-year-old virgin son laid. It's just creepy when he's got Down's Syndrome. "I always encourage him to go to nightclubs and other places where people pick up women."	(194)
(Some Guy)	Scientology spokesman confronted with L. Ron Hubbard's own secret teachings. Xenu cackles from his underground volcanic prison	(493)
	Even for Japan, this is weird(Not safe for work-ish)	(144)
	Study: After years of research and thousands of dollars, Canadian researchers determine that being tased in the head is bad for you	(22)
	Protip: If you're going to get arrested for choking out your wife, don't wear an "I (Heart) My Marriage" t-shirt	(69)
	Old and busted: Traffic cameras to catch drivers who run red lights . Hotness: Traffic cameras to catch drivers with no insurance	(156)
	Texas jail was like Animal House: inmates having sex with their jailer girlfriends, bringing in recliners, taking drugs and chatting on cell phones. Fat, drunk and stupid IS the way to go through a sentence	(47)
	Tensions escalate in the embattled country o-- HOLD EVERYTHING -- There's a guy who is actually named Rip Van Winkle? Neat	(31)
	The recession has created a bunch of made-up words, or "ficti-diction"	(75)
	... so here's a pigeon with a bagel around its neck. Still not kosher	(59)
	Turns out it's not your mom's fault that she drank you stupid in the womb. It's actually the liquor companies' fault	(68)
	Remember that debt you paid off a few years ago? You're in collections for it again. It's Zombie Debt, now	(111)
	After holding up a store, cops catch woman in line across the street waiting on a pizza she ordered. You gotta eat	(28)
	Church wants to ban amateur genealogist from photographing headstones, citing privacy rights of the dead. Has nothing to do with book they sell with same information	(49)
	TV death chart: Who's getting killed off? Pat and Vanna notably absent	(63)
	Teacher accuses JV football player of assaulting him on schoolbus. Recently fired teacher surprised to hear about those new security cameras on schoolbus	(36)
	Man accused of stealing a 120-ton train. Looks forward to a stint in Pound Me In The Caboose Prison	(39)
	Meet Essy, the duck who thinks she's a dog. ARF-FLAC	(28)
	NY Attorney General subpoenas AIG over bonuses	(450)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this shaman suit	(38)
	Former editors of the now defunct Rocky Mountain News to start a news site if they can convince 50,000 people to pay $5 a month. Ridiculous. Who would pay $5 a month for news?	(108)
	Money can't buy love, but it can buy your own British village	(52)
	Since ATMs have been such a successful and safe way to dispense money, Canada has decided to load them up with perscription drugs. What could possibly go wrong?	(82)
	Sight unseen storage unit auctions on the rise. Bidders hope for forgotten valuables like a vintage Jaguar but usually find buckets of feces, heads in jars	(107)
	Defense attorney says man who raped his daughter for 24 years in a basement dungeon isn't a monster. After all, he did bring down a Christmas tree once	(152)
	Seaside town's annual beauty contest scrapped because it discriminates against ugly fat chicks	(81)
	Obama vows to block AIG bonuses	(640)
	Teens using fewer inhalants to get high. You know, back in my day, we were GRATEFUL for Wite-Out and weren't lucky enough to have 80% of our parents and siblings on prescription drugs. Get off my lawn	(128)
	Are you the kind of person who sees the man by the school as half-naked or half-dressed?	(61)
(Standard-Speaker)	Medical malpractice lawsuits are so ubiquitous that Pennsylvania actually has to pass a law allowing doctors to say "I'm sorry" without being sued	(137)
	"Please accept this cake as notification that I am leaving my position with NWT on March 27"	(59)
(Bradenton Herald)	89 year old man invents time machine, teleports driving abilities into 19 year old self, promptly crashes car into IHOP	(49)
	Man stops his car on a busy expressway, gets out, disrobes, then runs a mile until police catch him. Since it was in Philadelphia, commuters boo and toss batteries at him	(60)
	As a bonus with this year's flu shot, you get a live strain of the bird flu	(86)
(Some Guy)	Scientists determine that women take 23 hours and 45 minutes to get ready to go out somewhere	(154)
	Protip: if someone calls your place of employment saying an 'auditor' is coming to take money from a safe and gives you a 'secret code', prepare for a robbin'	(44)
	"It took a lot for me to put that ad on Craigslist," he said, breaking down in tears. "I wasn't this rich little yuppie anymore, driving expensive cars, having expensive suits. It humbles you"	(324)
	New Wisconsin slogan "Live Like You Mean It" to replace former slogan "At least we're not Canadians"	(121)
	Man who started selling junk on eBay from his garden shed now has 36,000 customers per month and drives a Ferrari. Or he's just lying for free media coverage	(76)
	Bus driver attacks seal. Heidi Klum not impressed	(60)
	Don Imus announces he's battling nappy-headed prostate cancer	(96)
	AIDS? In my capitol? It's more likely than you think	(99)
(Drew)	Naked karate fights, textual harassment and a Wynn/Wynn situation: Headlines of the Week 3/8 - 3/14	(23)
	Bristol Palin's baby-daddy says "I might marry her.....later. After I've penised many other chicks"	(368)
	Two words: naked hedgie. Third word: fuggly	(45)
	Story of China's last eunuch includes two tearful memories...the day his father cut off his genitals and the day his family threw the pickled remains away	(115)
(Some Guy)	Cash strapped English rugby team manage to boost attendance figures with inflatable fans. "You're not singing anymore"	(23)
	UK to ban trainspotters from stations due to "security risk". This is what happens when you get colonised by wankers	(48)
	Mystery letter writer helps small town police solve crimes. R.P Tyler surrenders	(28)
	Rob a store where minors are working? In Georgia that makes you a registered sex offender for life	(220)
(Some Guy)	"When it comes to things with which to take faint comfort in a war zone, knowing your guys shoot a hell of a lot more accurately than the Taliban turns out to be a surprisingly comfortable security blanket"	(58)
	Photoshop this fascinating F1 interface	(35)
	HOA is about to foreclose 84 homes in one neighborhood for not paying dues. One home that was about to be foreclosed on had a fine less than $300 dollars	(257)
	Rower wonders why his wife will not accompany him in the world's toughest endurance test, 2,500 miles across the Atlantic, but there is one good reason - she hates water	(22)
	"It was an art project" very rarely works as a criminal defense	(29)
	Real estate company says they weren't obligated to tell the buyer the previous owner had murdered his wife in the house, or that they moved the headstones but not the graves	(163)
	If you were on a flight from Frankfurt to Detroit last Tuesday, the CDC would like to have a talk with you	(31)
	Quebec residents enraged at being called "illiterate" in English by politician, angrily point out, "Hello, I am write single to salute and wait for answer again"	(220)
	"If this snake looks a little out of shape, there's a very good reason for its swollen tummy. It's just swallowed a dog. Whole. Along with the collar and name tag"	(124)
	"I shot an arrow in the air. It landed.....I know not where. What? Some middle-aged woman's stomach? Uh oh"	(62)
	As God is my witness, I didn't think turkeys could fly	(79)
	Caption these dancing bears	(66)
	Thanks to the wonders of Google Earth, your modern lead thief can identify potential targets without having to leave the comfort of his own chair. Truly we live in a marvellous age	(41)
	Boom goes the Yemenite	(62)
	Scientists develop pill allowing obese individuals to eat whatever they want and not gain weight. Fat people around the world jump for joy, hyperventilate	(138)
	So, Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a braologist, Dad	(72)
	A tissue, a tissue, we all go to jail	(20)
	I wnt 2 cm out ov da clst - SMS service launched for teens questioning sexuality	(48)
	Man returns to work after taking twelve years off for sick leave	(40)
	You may think that your workday sucked, but at least you didn't ruin one of the Queen of England's $100,000 carpets in a coffee incident	(71)
	Another document surfaces connecting "Sen." Roland Burris to impeached ex-governor Rod Blagojevich. Plans for their summer camp 40-year reunion proceed as scheduled	(41)
(Some Guy)	Undo this careful product placement	(62)
(Some Guy)	If you can't rob a house without getting shot by the homeowner, and then runover TWICE by your own getaway car, it might be time for a new line of work	(54)
	Iconic former Ritz-Carlton in Sydney to be demolished. Michael Hutchence all choked up about it	(86)