Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2009-03-15 23:59:59'

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Sun March 15, 2009

	Ron Silver dead at 62 of cancer. Goodnight, That Guy	(34)
	Doctors find single question can identify problem drinkers. Surprisingly not: "Do you read Fark?"	(71)
	Mexico says 'emo' youths face discrimination. Subby thought that was the whole point of emo	(42)
(KVAL TV)	Drunk Driver runs red HOLY JESUS WHAT IS THAT GODDAMN ANIMAL??	(103)
	Man wielding machete and baseball bat still had yet to see Indiana Jones apparently	(65)
	NASA has finished plugging the leak with gum and duct tape. Shuttle scheduled to launch tonight at 7:43pm Eastern	(262)
	Photoshop this closeup	(42)
	Washington D.C. has A Desire Named Streetcar	(58)
	If you dropped four 55-gallon trash bags filled with pot on an Ocala road, dude, total bummer	(60)
	Near-naked Aer Lingus promotion in London has tongues wagging (The Sun is there with a not safe for work pic)	(110)
(KMOT-TV)	Not news: Amtrak train hits car, no injuries. News: occupants of car were having sex when the train hit. Fark: occupants were still having sex when the police and first responders show up	(96)
(Some Guy)	It's the Ides of March, so here's a crazy guy named Julius awaiting trial for getting all stabby on his parents	(77)
	Liberians granted temporary protection in the US may be sent back to their country, threaten to take Dewey Decimal System with them	(72)
(Some Guy)	Today's "man gets arrested for DWI and his friend drives drunk to visit him" story brought to you by Spring Valley, NY	(29)
	My life as a lapdancer is hell but my cruel boyfriend lives off my earnings and never lets me have a day off. What should I do?	(254)
	Medical hemp caregiver asks Montana DOT for streetlights to grow cannabis because it costs up to $1100 to start an indoor garden for 6 plants. Like, Dude, you're so doing it wrong	(68)
(WWL)	"Police put pothead in pokey, pinched putting potted pot on porch perch"	(45)
(Kitsap Sun)	Man threatens to kill wife after she finds Facebook boyfriend from 32 years ago. Sounds like she's available again	(76)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fortunate feline	(56)
	"France, he said, had made peace with Germany, had forgiven Germany.. but it could never - never - forgive the British and Americans for the liberation"	(459)
	Old and busted: Punxsutawney Phil emerging from his home. New and improved: Salamander Sam banging Salamander Sue in front of 30 high-schoolers amid a full-throated chorus of chirping peeper frogs. Spring is just around the corner	(40)
	In an attempt to stay relevant, Bin Laden releases new tape, breaks up with Jennifer Aniston	(232)
	Driver's Ed turns 75, signals left while turning right, plows into a farmer's market	(60)
	Court says it will only accept new filings from people who bring their own paper due to shortage. Also suggests you go to the bathroom before arriving	(26)
(Kitsap Sun)	Boy's $2 bill collection stolen; sheriff's department alerts local Taco Bell restaurants	(70)
	Photoshop these barefoot bridesmaids	(33)
	Thousands are flocking to a Roman Catholic Church on an island in the Indian Ocean after the face of Jesus is found in the pleats of a cushion	(90)
	Judge orders women to stop homeschooling her children, despite them testing 2 years above their grade level. The reason? Her "teaching is strictly out of the Bible"	(572)
(Some Guy)	A man waiting on a transaction at a jewelry counter told the female employee he had once been a painter - and that "the chemicals had fried his brain and he had a hard time communicating with women." Then things get weird	(42)
(Some Canuck)	Welfare mom living in camp with her 6 kids and 6 pets wires $2000 to Cameroon for two dogs, shocked to learn she was scammed	(117)
	Not news: Mother signs liability waiver mandated by state so her daughter can attend baseball game. News: girl gets hit in head by bat. Fark: State Supreme Court rules the city has to pay damages in spite of waiver	(116)
	DA: Cop made drug pickup in uniform	(65)
(Some Guy)	Protip: Never attack a Midwesterner with over 70 years of ice scraper experience	(53)
(OU Daily)	Corporate liability attorneys breathe a sigh of relief as Oklahoma students win the Red Bull "drive as fast as you can on public roads and pass-on-the-shoulder" challenge	(37)
	Lexington Pub installs self-serve beer taps at every table. Owner says it's great, except for some guy named Drew who never leaves	(70)

Sat March 14, 2009

(Some Guy)	Ohio wants fewer kickball games on Statehouse lawn. Damn you whippersnappers, damn you	(48)
(KeysNet)	If your excuse for being in posession of 13.5lbs of marijuana is "I found it," there is no need to add that you kept it to grow more and sell it	(77)
	The man who showed that alcohol causes cirrhosis of the liver has died. Let's all drink one to him	(52)
	Two teens charged with spraying pepper spray in a Wisconsin Walmart. With mugshots that look exactly as you would expect	(194)
(KWWL)	If your dog can't stop chasing its tail or licking things, it's not just being a dog, it has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your dog wants Zoloft	(101)
(Some Hombre)	How to survive a TSHTF scenario by someone who did so while living in Argentina during its 2001-02 crisis	(172)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this chubby baby	(63)
	Man arrested for assault with a guitar. C.C. Deville considers trademark infringement lawsuit	(72)
(Some Guy)	India would love to send astronauts into space by 2015, but not until somebody does something about those 200 bags of trash the Russians threw out of the Mir Space Station	(56)
(Some Guy)	Attaching antlers to the doe you killed won't fool anybody. Probably won't work with the genitals, either	(71)
(Some rum drinker)	Remember that story about the Pennsylvania Liquor Board hiring a firm to teach employees not to be rude? Um, yeah...about that	(70)
(Some Guy)	Bankruptcy auction entrance fee: $0. Bidding for items: $$$. Giving items back to bankrupt family: Priceless	(173)
	Malaysian man mistakes his neighbor for a monkey, goes apeshiat	(27)
	Madagascar opposition gives president four hours to quit, reopen ports	(70)
	LA ends pet sterilzation program, is considering shifting their focus from pets to stupid celebrities	(55)
(Gilroy Dispatch)	Knock knock. Who's there? Naked. Naked who? Naked 28-year old drunk woman on your porch	(127)
(Some Guy)	Pittsburgh's graffiti task force is so good that out of state 'artists' have moved into town to challenge them	(126)
	Protip: When selecting a target to rob, make sure said target is not a Tae Kwon Do studio	(61)
	New Lincoln anthology explains why Abe is so cool again. Could have been done in two words: Barack Obama	(68)
	Tiresome atheists now launching "debaptism" campaigns, even though bishops point out the Orwellian nature of it: "It's a bit like trying to expunge Trotsky from the photos"	(550)
	"Female P.E. teacher arrested for lesbian sex with a female student" trifecta now in play - in the same school district - in the last two weeks. Male students vow to reorganize, try harder	(94)
	Russia to use Cuban airbases. No, this is not a repeat from 1962	(311)
(Some motherfarking snake)	If you return home from the airport to find a snake in your suitcase, make sure it's real before you call 911. Fire Captain: "We went in and determined it was a rubber snake. We handed it to him and left."	(29)
	Photoshop this womens' basketball player	(39)
	The wheels on the bus are three blocks back, three blocks back, three blocks back	(33)
	"Hello air traffic control, this is the Red Arrows flight demonstration team, why has a Boeing 737 joined our formation?"	(45)
	Nine Swedish cops in trouble for making "sandwich cake" with extra special ingredient (shh, it's penis)	(30)
(MumbaiMirror)	Wedding music upsets the neighbor's goat. Neighbor complains. Then things get a little Farky	(7)
	Man killed by his own tattoo. Just another reason not to voluntarily get yourself disfigured	(150)
	Amtrak gets a boost as Obama finds one more way to rail the country	(217)
	"Several complaints were made on John Street about a topless female trying to fight another female. All the callers stated they have never seen anything quite like that and felt that it was very shocking to them"	(47)
	26,000 CA teachers angry about being given pink slips. But considering that these are the teachers that raised a generation to vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, maybe they deserve it	(164)
(Some Guy)	Obama's agenda may prove too much for Congress, which is much more accustomed to sitting on its collective lazy ass and doing jack shiat all day	(134)
	"Hopedomes" begin popping up across the USA	(341)
(FDNM)	Judges likely will throw the book at speed readers	(17)
(Some Guy)	Couple buys a second-hand couch, gets a Caturday surprise	(435)
(KXII)	If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. And if you can do the time, don't do it in the same cell with the convicted killer you testified against	(63)
(Some Pi Lovin' Guy)	Happy Pi Day	(124)
	Woman seriously injured after a ute crashes into her home and pins her to a couch. What the hell is a ute?	(89)
	Today's Iron Photoshop Ingredient: Bones (LGT GIS)	(47)
	Man has no idea what to do with his spare time, decides to hit bullets with a hammer in his driveway	(47)
	Albinos give the ol' pinkeye to gangs of thugs who like to kill them and turn their organs into lucky charms. "We are urging the international community to exert some pressure," says their leader, Keychain	(44)
	Cannibal squirrels "go nuts" for squirrel-flavored potato chips. Why yes, we do have pics	(43)
(Some Guy)	Thieves use relish to steal a woman's purse. They mustard been good because the cops haven't been able to ketchup with them yet	(23)
	More people than ever are turning to the funeral industry in a recession economy, which is a great idea right up to the point of the zombie apocalypse	(39)
	Octomom gets warm welcome from her neighbors at her new home. Nah, just kidding. Her house was TPed on the first day	(135)
	"Being allowed to drink regularly is one of my strongest childhood memories perhaps because, once I started school and began socialising with children who weren't from Italian families, I realised how rare it was"	(64)
	Ugly-assed baby elephant born at the San Diego Zoo. With awww pic	(36)
	Man pleads guilty for trying to sell stolen Hitler bookmark. Catholic bishop denies there ever was a bookmark	(33)

Fri March 13, 2009

	News: Bank robbery suspect is caught by police. Fark: Suspect took a wrong turn into police station. Ultrafark: He had a magic marker beard drawn on	(54)
	Photoshop these aqua teens	(44)
	Bottled water as contaminated with hormones as tap	(83)
(Some Guy)	What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... unless you take a military training missile that looks like the real thing, you live next to a school and the cops find it	(19)
	NYC finds new recession-proof way to protect middle school students: slip them condoms in their goodie bags	(56)
	Green tea, mushrooms decrease cancer risk, increase trippin' balls	(86)
	Model refuses to go on roller coaster ride for fears her breasts 'would explode' with the G-Force (pic)	(137)
	Pope will skip the Holocaust museum on his trip to Israel, citing the outrageous gift shop prices as a reason	(129)
	Desperate for good publicity, Chrysler crashes funeral to collect tissue sample from former employee	(57)
	Advice for under-21s going to South Padre Island: "Try not to make it obvious that you're wasted"	(35)
	New study shows children in stressful families are more likely to swallow a lot of aggression. Along with a lot of pizzas	(55)
	Woman charged with drugging boss's coffee, impersonating a doctor, stuffing a corpse in her trunk and then imprisoning her boss while she and her 2 friends ran the company without anyone noticing -- well maybe not those last parts	(65)
	Canadian government creates budget beer to prevent cross providential beer war	(92)
(Shreveport Times)	Man arrested on drug charges. Fark: "after construction workers witnessed him on his hands and knees, eating mud and growling like a dog"	(47)
	TSG Mugshot roundup Friday. Theme: Irish pride	(349)
	You can get married at Juliet's house in Verona, but be aware that while it may seem romantic at first, it will probably end up being a tragedy	(42)
	If you recently stole a mountain bike from a park in the Bay of Plenty, the Whakatane police would like it back, because they only have one left and they're supposed to be preventing thefts and stuff	(33)
	Today's "Third grader shows off his gun at school" brought to you by Ft Lauderdale	(60)
	Photographer who took iconic photo of Canadian native protester, and native protester himself, both die suddenly on the same day and at the same age	(76)
	Obama administration drops term "enemy combatant" for detainees held at Guantanamo Bay, will now be known as "friends you haven't met yet"	(582)
	Proof Coloradans are better than you: even though it's easier to get drunk at altitude, they still drink more than you anyway	(166)
	Photoshop theme: Bubbles	(57)
	TIME asks: Can marijuana help rescue California's economy... or something... man, I could really go for some burritos	(598)
	Soldier wearing Joker costume, wanted in stabbing of a fellow soldier, shot dead in national park after pointing a shotgun at police. Seriously	(78)
	If you're a registered sex offender on bail for harassment, it probably isn't a real good idea to stand at your window and show your junk to kids waiting for the school bus	(54)
	Driver who ran down pedestrian tries out defence that he was suffering from PTSD as a result of his fraternity hazing two months earlier	(95)
	Ten kids accidentally drink windshield wiper fluid at day care; employees noticed something was wrong when the kids started swaying back and forth rhythmically	(112)
	Nanny State won't let couple call their cottage "The Love Shack" even though it's a little old place where they can get together (pic)	(122)
	Wanted man avoids arrest for twenty-one years until he shines a laser pointer at a cop. But it was funny, so it was totally worth it	(79)
	Fight fires: check. Clean fire engine: check. Put hot girl in your gear and make fun of other fire depts.: check. Put videos on YouTube: oops	(147)
(Some Guy)	Tips for dating a female cop	(264)
	Living with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air? Congratulations, you're "homeless" according to the standard set by recent report finding 1 out of every 50 children is homeless	(87)
(Some Guy)	Once again people: Your HOA is a contractual agreement. You do not get a free pass for "patriotism"	(343)
	Two urban hipsters try to live on food stamps, find it hard to purchase cheap organic arugula and bison meat on a budget	(251)
(Some Guy)	FBI tells two out of every three Freedom of Information Act requesters that it can't find the records they requested. Nothing to see here citizen, move along	(73)
	Two ugly-ass snoutless pigs born on southern Chinese farm. Still smell awful, look delicious (with pic)	(56)
	Mystery man repairs broken West Virginia traffic light, public await arrival of mystery dentist	(34)
	When you wash your baby, you're washing your baby with CANCER	(68)
	Sting targets underage spring break drinkers. Lex Luger unavailable for comment	(57)
	Paraplegic man gets bitten by spider and walks again...waiting to start spinning webs	(111)
	Fark Party - Madrid, Spain - Saturday, March 14 (DIT)	(40)
	Good idea: Putting bad people in prison. Bad idea: Prison overcrowding. Good idea: Letting petty criminals out early to save money. Bad idea: Spending the savings on rent money for the people you just released	(65)
	Missing 5-year old's father marries his 17-year old girlfriend, honeymoons in New York, appears on the Today show to say he doesn't want the media to focus on his personal life	(162)
	This weeks TSG photo contest. Match the perp to the tat. Contest ends at 4pm Eastern	(80)
(Some Guy)	British "twitchhiker" travels to Wichita in 12 days, and it's all thanks to strangers on Twitter	(84)
(Some Dumbass)	Awww, this guy drove cross country and waited outside his girlfriend's college classroom to surprise her and ask her to marry him. Wait, did I say college? I meant middle school	(122)
	Pub staff and drinkers got sunstroke - after the manager blundered by installing high-powered UV tanning lights	(41)
	If you're wearing ankle-monitoring bracelet while awaiting trial for burglary, remember the police can track you if decide to climb on roof and rob another home. (with mugshot goodness)	(23)
	Welcome to Tenaha, TX. All non-whites passing through please forfeit all your cash and possessions under our search-and-seizure law. "We try to enforce the law here, we're not doing this to raise money"	(372)
	101 ways to pick up women, number 73: Drag a pot bellied pig down the street over broken glass. Wait....WTF???	(58)
	Two fire engines, 12 firefighters and paramedics called out to save a woman that tried to save a seagull	(50)
	You can now be sued for libel even if everything you wrote was true	(177)
(wspa.com)	Tractor trailer overturns, spilling tons of kitty litter on interstate. Motorists are advised to avoid the clumps	(36)
	One in three Americans say they wouldn't even notice if their local paper folded, let alone care	(166)
	Miss May to appear in Playboy's May issue and in Chicago court on DUI charges. (w/ 'centerfold mugshot 'goodness)	(110)
	Snapping your fingers at the waiter is apparently the biggest faux pas you can make on a first date. Surprisingly absent: "dick in a box"	(173)
	Things could get hairy as New Jersey contemplates a ban on Brazilian waxes	(144)
(Secretly Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: Add a twist ending to an otherwise untwisty movie	(89)
	Welcome home, Bernie. Welcome home. See Madoff's new living quarters	(167)
	Kenyan-born Muslim claims he is an American, not a terrorist. Like we haven't heard that one before	(99)
	Trucking company owner builds 747-400 airliner simulator in his warehouse that rivals $60 million commerical versions. Wins Guinness world record for it, and donates all hire fees to charity	(64)
	The latest social planning strategy from the country that gave us apartheid: "corrective rape" for lesbians	(260)
(Xenu)	Will Smith's wife opens school based on L. Ron Hubbard's methodology - but says it's not a Scientology school	(200)
	"A man who broke into an adult shop and had sex with blow-up dolls says he had a 'pretty healthy' sex life"	(54)
	Man kills girlfriend after she tells him he can't have any more beer, then enjoys a cold one	(131)
	Leading historian says Australia needs to stop considering New Zealand as the "cousin at the party who's got the short trousers"	(78)
	Seven-month pregnant woman who has never had a license leaves court on her eighth drunk driving charge and goes straight to a bar	(110)
	Step aside, Lance Armstrong - 87-year-old becomes the hottest thing on two wheels	(41)
	Hot Canadian MP tries to block the release of a Bollywood movie she made before she was elected, saying, "That's not my body." For once, more than a few Canadian voters hope they're being lied to by a politician	(67)
	Photoshop this ladybug merry-go-round	(46)
	Satan's footprints found in English snowbank. The Sun is there to shed some light on it (pics)	(83)
	Lifetouch Photographer took the whole touch thing a bit too far	(36)
(Panama City News Herald)	Explaining you lost your nose doesn't excuse you from taking DUI Finger to Nose exercise	(66)

Thu March 12, 2009

	Japanese doctor explains that people should smoke themselves to an early death to save the country money on elderly care, but apologizes anyway	(86)
	"My partner poured the peppers into a pan and was startled to find a clump of mouse fur and intestines falling out of the bag"	(110)
	Animation Theme: Out of This World (DIT)	(52)
	Despite damning testimony from two other officers at the scene, Denver police officer is found not guilty of beating teen. By the way, not one Denver police officer has been convicted in the past 20 years of excessive force	(215)
	Boy, 13, goes on 'electric shock free-for-all'	(49)
(Some Guy)	Confused about what to do with your growing stash of soiled adult diapers? Litter your neighborhood with them	(60)
	You know those chat room posts by the German shooter? Yep, fakes	(43)
	12-yr old walks into and robs bar, the other 2 ducked	(29)
	Anti-smoking ban causes man to fall from vehicle, writhe around in landscaping and throw pilfered crayons at cars. Just another night at your local Chilis restaurant	(62)
(Daily Record)	Apparently this needs repeating: If you're driving with 347 bags of heroin in your car, obey all traffic laws and don't do something stupid that will cause the police to pull you over	(42)
	School district decides that Civil War re-enactment for 5th-grade snowflakes shouldn't include all that icky shooting and war stuff	(104)
	Plaxico Burress gets four traffic tickets but avoids shooting himself	(32)
	Mass to big Pharma: "No more plush gifts and bribes to the medical industry" Big Pharma: "Whaaaa, we will leave if you do" Mass: "STFU it's now law"	(128)
	Don't taunt the coconut monkey	(79)
	The most beautiful ugly pictures of Detroit you'll see all day	(357)
(Some Jocks Playing Rugby)	Photoshop this UFIM	(63)
	Colorado rancher claims aliens abducted his cow, removed udders and reproductive organs. Combination of high altitude and drugs could be missing link in story	(62)
	UK Government 'alters' no smoking laws so G20 delegates don't have to stand outside. Double standards? Labour? Never	(70)
	Pregnant woman claims her dead dad has appeared in scan - cradling her baby in the womb	(165)
	Philanthropist Leonore Annenberg--of PBS sponsor The Annenberg Foundation--dead at 91	(104)
	What's the difference between a soccer mom and a border patrol agent? Lipstick	(162)
	Utah lawmaker wants to solve the budget problems by taxing caffeine. "We're going after people who have problems with addiction"	(248)
	So, just to get this straight: Recruiting is so bad that the Army has had to lower its standards to allow felons, borderline retards and the elderly to serve; but they are STILL firing soldiers just for being gay?	(581)
	Man gets all punchy after his mom discovers him masturbating in the back yard	(119)
	Read it and weep: Bernie Madoff's court confession about his Ponzi scheming	(259)
	Man arrested for going all OM-NOM-NOM-y on a hotel elevator. Cocaine is a hell of a drug	(44)
(Some Guy)	Learning disabled teen finds $18,000 in a ditch and promptly gives away $11,000 to those he thought needed it. Then the cops get involved	(173)
(Some Guy)	School tells six-year-old boy that it's not OK to skip school just because you're dying of leukemia and you're flying to Rome because the Pope wants to meet you	(147)
	German mathematician who died in 1559 receives overdue TV license bill	(91)
	Tired of nagging wife, man takes out ad offering to give away "very high maintenance" woman for free - and gets offers. "I've had at least nine or ten people calling about her"	(67)
	Three members of Doctors Without Borders held in Sudan, find borders	(47)
(Scranton Times)	Scranton's city fathers start campaign to attract young professionals to Scranton by highlighting its lake, local Benihana, and a quirky paper company	(128)
	German shooter hours before the attack: "I have got a weapon here and tomorrow I am going to go to my former school and give them hell." Friend: "LOL"	(109)
	Sears Tower to be renamed to "Willis Tower". Whatchu talkin' 'bout?	(140)
	International Space Station evacuated in its moment of triumph	(142)
(Some Guy)	Women in Toronto called "the happiest in Canada", and not just because they don't have to live in a shiathole like Ottawa or Calgary	(213)
	First hole of her life. First swing on a course. Hole-in-one. "I didn't know it was that big of a deal,'' she said. "I thought all golfers do this''	(192)
	82-year-old who died after mistakenly eating a plate of death cap mushrooms fondly remembered as a fungi	(106)
	Man tries to give police officer $10 lap dance, calls officers pigs in French. Then it gets weird	(37)
(The Berkshire Eagle)	Cat fight erupts when woman attempts to inseminate her "wife" with a "turkey baster [containing] her brother's semen." Attacker breaks down a door before the couple takes the fight outside	(175)
(MyFOXPhoenix)	I like big butts and I can not lie: A new study suggests that if a woman has a large, plump apple bottom, she's healthy	(1147)
(Some Guy)	If you had to pick one car to drive for the rest of your life, what would it be? Here's the cool part...car can be from any era and has all of the safety equipment and bells and whistles you would ever need	(834)
	Bureau of Nonsensical Subjective Polling finds that Illinois ranks 31st in poll designed to gauge Americans' sense of well-being	(22)
	After solving all other problems, the Berlin city government spends €200,000 on campaign against "grumpiness"	(39)
	Man is outraged that a woman was allowed to be a judge on a beer-tasting panel. "Let me be clear, women are fine at picking out drapes"	(127)
	Madoff pleads guilty to multi-billion dollar blockbuster fraud. That's a lot of rewind penalty charges	(167)
	Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer to face off on The Daily Show tonight. Buy, buy, buy	(468)
	Japan picks schoolgirl image as "cuteness ambassador." You keep using this word "ambassador." I do not think it means what you think it means	(204)
	Photoshop theme: The calm before the storm	(56)
	There are probably better ways to thaw cold feet before your wedding than setting the hotel on fire	(16)
	Oil platform helicopter with 18 aboard crashes off coast of Newfoundland. More details as soon as we get a Newfie translator	(82)
	Disney: "That's how we can sell sex to young girls"	(257)
(Chronicly Horrid)	If you want to call in sick, don't text your boss and say that you fell in a hole. Search and Rescue will not be amused	(39)
	Not News: Girl Scout makes a YouTube video to sell cookies. Fark: Other parents complain about her "unfair advantage"	(130)
	Getting blind, stinking hammered in Utah just got $4 cheaper	(88)
	An off-duty cop in restaurant overhears a man tell his female companion, "I can't believe you're so f---ing stupid, what the f--- were you thinking?" and arrests him for disorderly conduct. WTF?	(300)
	Court rules an oath written and signed in blood is not enforceable. Plus it's gross and creepy	(59)
	Man loses part of his finger trying to save his choking dog. Bonus: drops the dog off at the vet before taking himself to the hospital	(73)
	World population to hit 7 billion in 2012. 1.1 million every year will come to US. Give us your tired, your poor, your ...OK, stop right there, that's enough	(142)
	"I'm pretty sure I've invented a time machine. All going according to plan I'll materialise right here at 11.37am on Friday. This is just a courtesy note to make sure you're not standing in this spot at the time."	(87)
	Woman loses baby, goes blind, has brain tumour, then decides to make her life terrible	(69)
	School administrators continue to hassle an honor student because she has 13 piercings on her face. "Students need to learn that following the rules is not always fun and does not always feel fair."	(440)
	Caught on camera: Deer make beer run In Greensburg, PA	(36)
	Celebrity chefs make you fat	(58)
	Former Nazi camp guard living in Ohio charged with 29,000 counts of accessory to murder. Oh c'mon, isn't living in Ohio punishment enough?	(180)
	Photoshop this Spaniard startled by spray	(48)
(Some Guy)	Teacher running short on funding for school materials sells ads on tests. Bonus: He's an economics teacher	(83)
	"Luckily the horse did not chew up or swallow his testicle, but spit it onto the pavement"	(88)
	If you work at a sandwich shop, you probably shouldn't shoot video of yourself cramming lettuce up your nose and then post the video on the internet	(44)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 201: "Bang". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme	(149)

Wed March 11, 2009

(Some Chick)	Texas man says home riddled with bullets because he displays the KKK and Confederate flags. Says the Klan is misunderstood. "We just try to live and let live and try to preserve our heritage and people get upset about it."	(169)
(WikiLeaks)	The story of the Nazi millionaire who wanted to bomb the inauguration but was killed by his wife. No, it's not a "Law & Order" episode, but it will be	(122)
(Santa Cruz Sentinel)	Today's teacher sleeping with student comes from San Jose, California. Complete with catfight with girl's mother at hockey game	(126)
	Washington state close to passing measure granting same-sex couples the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts. Fundamentalists give their full support...just kidding, they're terrified and gearing up for a fight	(863)
(Salem News)	As a general rule, you shouldn't drink rum at the police station while waiting to talk to an officer	(28)
	You know you fail at life when you decide to end it and become only the third person to survive going over Niagara Falls without a barrel	(78)
	Good: Food bank gets thousands of boxes of cereal from Kellogg. Fark: Because they don't want to sell the Michael-Phelps Wheaties	(110)
	DNA may free man after 27 years. Submitter has been freeing DNA for nearly 27 years, so that should balance out	(55)
	If you're bored, find a hobby that doesn't involve making bogus 911 calls	(25)
	Lighting yourself on fire is no way to get your wife back	(40)
	Madagascar close to civil war. Ports already closed	(134)
	What do Bextra, Vioxx, Lyrica, Celebrex, and Effexor all have in common? If you guess "involved in fabricated medical studies," you may claim your prize: a new and clinicallly-proven anti-anxiety medication of your choice	(254)
(wsbtv.com)	Myrtle Beach man in trouble with the local authorities for having a hyena in his back yard... which apparently is no laughing matter	(47)
	I'm shocked, shocked to find that gaming is going on in here. BOOM	(45)
	"Congratulations, sir. You're our one millionth customer. Step over here and claim your prize"	(79)
	Can you tell me how to get ... to the unemployment office on 'Sesame Street?'	(66)
	Lesbian wants to wear tuxedo to prom. Principal: no skirt, no shoes, no service	(267)
	UK wants to make recording videos in movie theatres a criminal offense. Especially if it has Elaine dancing at the end	(24)
	So you're running for election to replace a mayor who went to jail for lying. What better way to prove you're ready for the job then lying about that MBA you don't have	(42)
(Some Guy)	Theme: The next step in dog or cat evolution	(70)
	Are you two paychecks away from complete financial catastrophe? 50% of Americans would like to welcome you	(402)
	Man sues airline for $1M because of lost Xbox. Yeah, well it probably did tie his mom's basement together	(98)
	The saga of Zach "Cockpunch or hug him" continues, with Fark mentioned in the article	(146)
	Shuttle Discovery launch delayed due to gas leak. NASA scientists seen carrying large amounts of duct tape	(66)
	Spring breaker, drinking all day, climbs up on roof. What could go wrong?	(73)
	Diver spends two hours in hand-to-hand combat with a shark before finally winning. "I shot it six times in the head with a spear and I wasn't having much luck" (awesome pics)	(206)
	Plane makes emergency landing after one of its engines falls apart in mid-air over New York City	(102)
	Realizing that a transit strike during a recession may be as dumb a move as Shelley Long leaving "Cheers," SEPTA in Philadelphia won't strike next week	(60)
	Police in India fight mice by bringing in rats, will later dispose of rats with leopards, which will later be taken care of by gorillas, which may become a problem in the warm climate	(64)
(Some Guy)	Twittering encouraged in church. Submitter still afraid of being text-communicated	(61)
	Suicide bomb blast in Sri Lanka caught on camera (warning, some pics are graphic)	(164)
	Anyone who has ever bought $15 of oregano in a little plastic bag should read this	(51)
	Bristol Palin breaks off engagement with Trig's father, said to be receiving phone calls from Kevin Federline	(337)
	Daytona Beach woman is finalist in U.S. National Pole Dance competition. In other awesome news, there is a U.S. National Pole Dance competition	(58)
	Mug shots of Phish fans arrested in drug sweep at reunion concerts	(257)
	People are finally starting to get it: "Let AIG Go Bankrupt, Not America"	(283)
	Interested in taking test to see if you drink too much alcohol? If you can't read this headline, don't bother	(233)
(The Star Press)	Some jerk off arrested for masturbating at his mailbox to show his neighbors "who was boss". Neighbors tell him to beat it	(93)
	Maryland decides you don't really have to run the red light for the camera to take your picture and for you to get a ticket	(139)
	The man had been removing the gas tank when he walked away from the vehicle to warm himself near a barrel that had a fire burning inside	(33)
	Obsessed professor and his wife claim to have discovered that one of Leonardo da Vinci's famous anatomical drawings hides startling portrait of (a) Jesus (b) MLK (c) da Vinci himself	(148)
	Dying to get on TV? Well, here's your chance	(36)
(courierpress.com)	Man passes out in Wal-Mart after inhaling aerosol keyboard cleaner for the "first time"	(68)
	Fourth grade substitute teacher blows a .18 after he was caught with a pint of vodka in class, says he was just trying to teach the kids the metric system	(60)
	Capitalism has failed, according to Iran's president, who's upset people won't pay $140 a barrel for the only thing his country produces other than armed religious fanatics	(238)
	Deputy, on foot, and in his underwear, chases down drunk driver. Bystander assists, saying "I had to take his word he was a police officer, since it's not like he was wearing his badge."	(36)
	Chicago Police officer arrests man for DUI, stating he lost his balance during sobriety test. Would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling police dash cam (w/video)	(197)
	Shetland pony has such stumpy legs people keep calling the fire department because they think she's stuck up to her knees in mud (w/pic)	(82)
	Homeland Security has accelerated plans to build a "virtual fence" at the Mexico border. The only problem: How to get shock collars on all the Mexicans	(232)
	US eases restrictions on citizens' sending goods, money to Cuban relatives. Say hello to my litte care package	(125)
	Top Japanese pop artist :-( after police catch him drawing a :-) on the wall of a NYC subway station	(60)
	Boy, 4, brings pot to pre-school. Grateful Dead heard blaring from teachers' lounge that afternoon	(93)
	A forty-member task force. Five subcommittees. $50,000 in consultants reports. This year's City of Toronto budget? Why no, it's a study on coffee cups	(69)
	Next time you want to pull over and take a nap in your car, make sure the vehicle is not running with the gear shift still in drive. With sleepy-time mugshot	(31)
	A proposal to raise funds in Maine will include a canoe and kayak fee. You could just go for a hike in the woods, but without your $20 "Rescue Card" that could cost you thousands	(92)
	Sorry, Maine, you'll no longer get a free meal when you run naked down a 100 foot dock and jump into a freezing lake. Guess now, you'll just have to do it for the entertainment value	(37)
	Naked man challenges neighbors to karate fight, breaking several penal codes in the process	(59)
	Always the model of efficiency, DC waits until you get to the cemetery before gunning you down	(46)
	State wants to stimulate economy by loosening the rules on construction permits, eliminating impact fees and cutting in half the time allowed for reviewing permits for wiping out wetlands	(175)
(Some Guy)	The two-part pour is key to the perfect pint of Guinness. It's not news, it's the York Daily Record	(146)
	Photoshop this monster truck scene	(44)
	Small-town church erects "Great sex: God's way" signs to advertise sermon series. Bonus: You cannot legally buy beer in the county	(124)
	One of these things is not like the other	(73)
	Photoshop this chancellor and her little friend	(47)
	An undressed woman. A massage table. A happy ending? This is Fark	(80)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	No wonder Popeye was so happy	(57)
	If the bars and internet dating sites aren't your thing, you could always find your true love at an open-air teenage gypsy bride market	(181)
	Gunman kills at least 10 at a secondary school in Germany. Kolombine?	(414)
	Finally, after 24 long years, the Curse of Colonel Sanders may soon be at an end	(68)
	British town spends £6,000 to outfit ride-on mowers with satellite navigation systems. Whatever, they'll still drive on the wrong side of the lawn	(29)
	"Welcome to WalMart - mind the moose"	(40)
	Figures, I just washed my car	(56)
	Buying large eggs called "cruel to chickens." And they stare at you with their beady, red, unblinking eyes to underscore the point	(84)
	Both Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland unite in protesting recent murders by Real IRA, Continuity IRA	(76)
	Animal doctor puts casts on ugly-assed injured frog's arms. You can thank The Sun for this in-depth reporting	(43)
	Bad: you fail to notice your energy bill is higher than normal. Worse: the bill is $1.28 million. Fark: the bank clears the autopay and you find you are over a million in the hole	(87)
	Advanced Creation Studies class from Liberty University visits Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, whines "There's nothing balanced here. It's completely, 100 percent evolution-based."	(1247)
	Photoshop this aircraft assistant	(31)
	Floridiot charged with aggravated battery after he shot a man who was trying to enter his car while he was having sex with the victim's girlfriend	(65)
	Fi5e	(169)

Tue March 10, 2009

	Scientists can now make a woman 'glow' instead of 'sweat.' Next up: making farts smell like roses	(198)
	There can only be one... more idiot running around with a sword in the streets of DC near the Capitol	(57)
	Couple argues over $3 gas money while driving. Then things get all Florida-y	(63)
	There's frugal, then there's extreme cheapskates who salvage bagel scraps for pizza toppings and make their own detergent. "If you have vinegar, Dawn soap and baking soda, you can pretty much make any cleaning product"	(248)
(Some Guy)	Israeli kids get rocket-proofed indoor playground complete with a mini-soccer field, video games and a climbing wall	(128)
	Drunk driving suspect says law doesn't apply to him because he's a 'sovereign man.' "It means I live inside myself. I don't live in the state of Pennsylvania."	(106)
	Road closed so that salamanders can get their freak on	(41)
(WVTM)	Today's multi-fatality shooting spree comes to us from Geneva County, Alabama. Story developing	(318)
	Saving forests can create 10 million jobs. Mostly branch managers	(79)
	Defendants in asbestos-related wrongful death civil suit confiscate plaintiff's body at the cemetery just as his family was trying to bury him. Can't we all just get a lung?	(53)
	D.C. resident's gun permit denied because authorities don't like its color	(170)
(Some speeder)	Apparently unfamiliar with auction sniping tools, man drives 110mph to place bid for item on eBay	(36)
	The farked economy has an upside: Fewer assholes cutting you off in traffic, while blabbing mindlessly on their cell phones	(65)
(WUSA)	Eighth Rule of Fight Club: Don't go full retard	(95)
	Some wounded soldiers at Ft. Bragg's "Warrior Transition units" say they're being punished for their injuries	(194)
	Why some people don't heed tornado warnings. The answer? Because they're stup-- er, "optimism bias". Obvious tag seeks shelter	(77)
	You know that family legend about great-great-grandpa Jonathan engraving a secret pro-Union message inside President Lincoln's pocket watch? It's true	(72)
	2006: Our soldiers don't have enough body armor. 2009: All this armor is killing our soldiers' mobility	(128)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these ladies looking for leftovers	(36)
	The government wants to smell your butt to see if you're lying	(127)
	Not news: Pet shop orders exotic fish. News: Paperwork delay kills shipment. Fark: Delivery turns out actually to be 60-year-old dude's corpse	(59)
	If you had "seven million" in the office pool for "How many pounds of trash will be collected one day from the world's beaches?" please collect your prize: 3.2 million cigarette butts	(126)
	Bernie Madoff to plead guilty	(306)
	FTC finally joins the rest of us in calling the freecreditreport.com guy a douchebag (with link to parody-video goodness)	(220)
	Snape banned from boarding train for having mobility scooter 1-1/2" too large, killing Dumbledore	(108)
	Exciting careers in Space Captainfacing	(49)
	Girl "fantastic" after six organs removed. For starters, she's lost a lot of weight	(194)
	Extremely rare photo of Lincoln found, described as "the first act of paparazzi ever toward a president...Lincoln is not too happy at all."	(150)
	Sure it's a bad economy and jobs are hard to come by. Sure you gotta do everything you can to hold on to your job. Killing a rival and sending an email from the dead guy's computer saying he quit, might not be the best way to go about it	(66)
	Conservationists' elaborate duck-breeding plan goes horrifically wrong when the two male ducks fall in love with each other	(223)
(The Sub-Standard)	Reservist can't get into college to become a paramedic because the government won't let him take his beginner's driving test. Because he's in Afghanistan. Driving tanks	(98)
	Bizzaro lawsuit of the day: woman wins $200,000 discrimination case, says she was fired for reporting that another employee beat her niece in the bathroom; woman was told "It's a black thing, we beat our children"	(339)
	Student warns teacher: 'I would hit you in the gator' Teacher doesn't know if she should flunk him in English or biology	(111)
	Prince Charles accused of selling a quack "detox" treatment to gullible Brits who believe in such nonsense as homeopathy and dentistry	(229)
(Some Guy)	Fed-Ex offers 25 free resumes today to aid job seekers in bad economy. Can also be crumpled and used as insulation for your cardbaord box in the alley	(59)
	Swedish authorities refuse to allow woman to change her name to "Dark Knight". Metallica still okay	(70)
(Some Guy)	Town officials in Rockland, Maine, baffled by overwhelming stench coming from city's landfill. It wouldn't have anything to do with that "water bubbling up through 60 years of decaying material," would it?	(61)
	Obama backs merit-based pay for teachers, mirroring rest of working world. Naturally, teachers' unions are opposed to this idea	(799)
	Amazing set of dog sledding photos. Box dog is watching you masturbate (#13)	(119)
	Pregnant airline passengers want to be warned in advance when stewardesses are going to spray them with pesticides	(51)
	Real life Sam Malone is fired	(96)
(WSB-TV)	Breaking into a store via the roof can be a clever way to avoid security systems. It can also be a dumbass way to get yourself trapped inside when you can't climb back out	(22)
	Woman ignores calls for her car payment; says painting pro-Obama slogans all over it makes it a work of art	(128)
	If your five-year old girl has been missing for a month, the best place to propose to your 17-year old girlfriend is apparently Chili's	(290)
	Sawed-off shotgun toting robber 0, Store owner 1	(61)
	When going to court to face theft and assualt charges, having a stolen gun with you probably won't help	(7)
	Instructor for "Life Choices" class that taught students about positive relationships and self-esteem building, arrested for raising the esteem of an eighth grade boy by sending nude photos of herself to him	(55)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these parachutes	(18)
(Some Guy)	That Louis Vuitton bag you bought for your wife at the local flea market? Yeah, those people who sold it to you are in jail now, and you better go buy a real one	(202)
(Some Guy)	Creepy: Man looking into your window at 4 AM. Really creepy: You live on the second floor	(66)
	UK government may introduce eBay-style customer feedback for police forces. A+++++++ Would fall down stairs again	(26)
	Pharmaceutical researcher to appear on "Good Morning America" this week to warn about the dangers of not drinking. "A lot of research shows that people who drink moderately flat-out live longer than those who don't"	(138)
	Long Island makes its case to be New York's own Florida tag, as man sues psychic for a quarter million dollars after she doesn't deliver the anti-negativity gold statue she promised him	(73)
	Chuck Norris says there are groups of right-wing cells across the country ready to rise up in a Second American Revolution. If it's true, we may get to find out what happens when Chuck Norris helps Texas drop kick the USA	(1429)
	In what will surely result in no additional abuse, traffic wardens to be equipped with head-mounted CCTV cameras to capture images when they are verbally abused	(31)
	It's never graceful when you're a hooker trying to run away from an undercover cop and you trip and fall onto a glass door (w/ pic of what $10 could get you)	(80)
	Muslim cop sues over beard jokes. Tom Cruise seen taking notes	(96)
	Warm weather may increase chances of getting a headache. EVERYBODY PANIC	(41)
	Crossing-guard high-fiving the kids as they cross the road on the way to school? You better believe that's a bannin'	(85)
	It's a known fact: Bald men steal purses in hospital parking lots	(42)
	Another illegal pet primate found in Connecticut. May not be dangerous, but police are taking it as a gibbon	(30)
	Photoshop theme: Tom, Dick and Harry	(25)
	Man turns down offers from people wanting to hunt rare white deer on his land; prefers to defend it against dozens of poachers with high-powered rifles instead (with "stay off my farking lawn" pic)	(159)
	Nanny State to begin sex education for 7-year-olds in primary schools in order to cut back on nannies	(37)
	Much like this news story, two brothers recycle same birthday card for 36 years	(25)
	Wearing a head scarf in my bank? Move to the back of the line ma'am	(131)
	Meet Zach. You will either want to cockpunch him or hug him	(383)

Mon March 09, 2009

	Billy Graham: "One characteristic of cults is that they strongly believe they alone are right in their beliefs and everyone else is wrong."	(291)
	Aspiring criminals please note: If you try to jimmy a door with a card from your wallet, use something besides your library card. And take it with you when you leave, Einstein	(33)
	Did you hear the one about the deaf guy who got arrested because he pushed a note explaining what was wrong into the chest of a police officer?	(201)
(Some Guy)	Man pays his $350 power bill in pennies. "They said they didn't have the manpower to count all those pennies and I said as much as BVU is billing its customers, they ought to have all the manpower they need."	(191)
	80-year-old grandmother swamped by calls from dozens of men who think she's offering lap dances. "Can you imagine a man coming to the door and I open the door and I go, 'Yeah?' He goes, 'Oh, never mind.'"	(37)
	71% of women mistakenly think men find a woman who drinks as much as they do attractive	(193)
	Noxious fumes causes evacuation of respiratory care hospital	(30)
(WUSA9)	It's not a party until someone brings a saber saw into the bedroom	(91)
	San Francisco may become a bit less fabulous as the city considers cracking down on pillow fights	(52)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these heads	(42)
	New study concludes that viewing television before age 2 has no negative effect on development. Great - NOW who are we supposed to blame for rampant toddler sex and violence??	(77)
	Attention zoo visitors - please do not taunt the concrete chimpanzee	(85)
	Research shows that older fathers tends to has more kids who is dumb	(98)
	If you want to avoid suspicion of driving under the influence, the first step would be to make sure you're driving on a full set of tires	(23)
	Vatican claims washing machine is most liberating 20th century invention for women. Sybian didn't even make the list	(193)
	Today's moral outrage comes from Geneva, Switzerland, where a known prostitute activist was buried in the same cemetery as John Calvin	(76)
	Meghan McCain calls Ann Coulter "offensive" and "insulting," adding "are you going to finish those fries?"	(236)
	Worried about being the washed-up former high school football star while those nerds you picked on become millionaires later in life? Well, good news	(239)
(Some Guy)	State mental hospital drops off severely ill woman at bus station to make it home by herself. Since this is Fark, you can assume she didn't make it	(154)
	Professional coffee taster's tongue insured for $14 million. The man's tongue works magic on the bean	(122)
	In celebration of his 69th birthday tomorrow, Chuck Norris will randomly select one lucky child to be thrown into the sun	(254)
	Moving pot plants to an undisclosed location to deter would-be burglars is a GREAT idea. Just don't do it using an open-bed pickup truck. Police might see you	(49)
	Nothing solves an $8 billion dollar deficit like a good old fashioned bake sale	(59)
	Yet another indicator of America's continuing decline: pediatricians now recommend that children between the ages of 2 and 10 be routinely screened for heart disease	(106)
	Computer glitch caused Austrailian airliner to plunge 1,000 feet and the toilets to flush counterclockwise	(67)
(Sunday Herald)	This year's Maxwell Smart Special Achievement Award goes to the US Trident missile program, for keeping the composition of a key material so secret that no one knows how to make it anymore	(138)
	Unique portrait of William Shakespeare reveals much about the notorious bard, such as the stunning realization that he looks like Russell Brand	(109)
	Just what the filthy rich need -- a place to super-poke their filthy rich friends	(137)
	Man/Boy love group NAMBLA puts $10,000 hit on New York's Attorney General; because decades in jail is so worth $10G	(262)
(Drew)	Christian salt, contraceptive robberies, and a wallet full of teeth: Fark's Headlines of the Week 3/1 to 3/7	(21)
	Boat sinking? No reason to stop fishing	(41)
	World shark-bite capital to host surfing contest, diiiiiiick sucking competition	(71)
	Austrian village near Czech village to offer free land to Couples who promise to start a family. Call it, "living space" if you will	(55)
	Chinese sailors in their underwear molest US Navy ship, which fights back with squirt guns. Then it gets weird	(202)
	♫ Way down upon the Suwanee River / Far, far away / That's where my heart is turning ever / That's where the 8 foot long 200 pound sturgeon jump into your boat ♪	(30)
	Telephone poll finds that the "do-not-call lists" are working	(118)
	Think about what you did on your 21st birthday. This guy was bombing Berlin	(170)
	Who says today's teens are lazy? Five arrested for vandalizing 65 vehicles over the weekend	(19)
	"Baby I love all women equally, but when it comes to YOU....let's just say that some broads are more equal than others." --- Love letters of George Orwell to be sold at auction	(47)
	Yelp website accused of PLACING POSITIVE REVIEWS in the forefront, and (negative reviews in the back)	(52)
	Photoshop this tank transfer	(27)
	Ugly-ass polar bear cubs take first steps outside their den. Awwwww	(42)
	Number of non-religious Americans has almost doubled since 1990, with 15 percent saying they don't believe in a sky daddy, a volitant pasta monster, or spirits in trees	(528)
	Iraqi Police Academy bombed. Mahoney inconsolable	(40)
(Some Guy)	Today's "female teacher arrested for sex with a male student" is caught in the act on her desk by the principal, asks "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"	(129)
	Researchers study why we use movie quotes in everyday conversation. Frankly, CNN, we don't give a damn	(522)
	Couple only buys from black-owned businesses, though they may have some trouble the next time they want to buy Michael Bolton souvenirs or lacrosse equipment	(378)
	Hosting two unrelated men in your house? Yeah, get ready for 40 lashes, grandma	(87)
	Hundreds (2%) of British kids think Auschwitz is a beer, as told in one of the best examples of journalistic math so far this year	(116)
	1 in 5 British adults believes it's okay to hit a woman if she deserves it	(322)
	Lawmaker proposes bill to test the unemployed for drugs; "Whether soft drugs or hard drugs, get clean first so the next person who hires you will not have the liability of having you on the payroll"	(205)
	Caption this scene from a dog show	(58)
	Brawl breaks out at a Stop the Violence concert, 16 arrested	(78)
(Some Guy)	Forget the mousetrap, someone invented a better homeless shopping cart	(76)
(Some DJ Gal)	50 hottest girls of radio. Difficulty: no Hot Donna	(270)
(Al Jazeera English)	Kim Jong-il beats Obama at getting elected with a staggering 100% of the vote	(141)
	The police were quite surprised that very few drugs were dropped into the "drug disposal bin" set up at the entrance to the Rock-It music festival	(46)
(Some Guy)	Actual Depression survivors scoff at your canned goods and ammo: "I was up in the tree trying to choke him with my fingers... It took a good while, but I finally got that squirrel strangled"	(213)
	Intoxicated man trips, accidentally breaks into bank. Vodak was involved	(24)
	Pastor shot and killed during Sunday services. pewpewpew	(191)
	Australian cyclist survives four days lost in the Alaskan wilderness; claims being raised in the Alps helped greatly	(45)
	Thief robs bank with a UPS package claiming to be a bomb. Bonus #1: robber is 78 years old. Bonus #2: used the drive-thru	(19)
	Photoshop this technobubble	(29)
(Union Leader)	News: Worker falls into deep fryer at local KFC. Fark: Same KFC was victim of decontamination hoax last month	(59)
	When asked about the suspected mass grave beneath her house, she responded, "No wonder our plants grow so well"	(23)
	When a kangaroo came crashing through his bedroom window and began bouncing on his bed, his first thought was a "lunatic ninja"	(48)
	"Hindsight isn't only 20/20, it's usually also sober"	(26)
	Percentage of Americans calling themselves "Christian" drops 11% in one generation. They were blinded by science	(712)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this exultant toddler	(39)
(Some Chick)	If your toddler displays symptoms of thrashing, roving eye movements, spasms and loss of bladder or bowel control he may have been stung by a scorpion. Or he may just be a toddler	(40)
	Speed limits on rural roads in the UK may be cut from 60 to 50mph to save lives. No word on how many lives would be saved by driving on the right side of the road	(103)
	Fast and the Furious 4: Jeddah Drift	(57)