Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2009-03-01 23:59:59'

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Sun March 01, 2009

	Pole dancer kicked out of sex show for being 'too raunchy' now wants compensation for breaking her nose on pole	(19)
	Spanish Socialists Suffer Setbacks {by the seashore}	(37)
	Eastern Europe to Germany: "We're like Hungary, man." Germany: "Try Turkey. Czech please."	(63)
	Photoshop Theme: What certain celebrity ghosts are doing right now	(65)
	Australian swimmers not sure if photo of them in water reveals a shark or a streetlight stalking them (pic)	(86)
	"The history of the US military is that it never does anything right the first time, but over time, it adjusts very effectively for a large institution"	(270)
	Man finds one million old car tires illegally dumped on his property - a pile so big you can see them on Google Earth - and so authorities are threatening to prosecute him	(146)
	If you want to commit suicide, there are easier ways than stripping naked and being tasered by police. Not more fun, maybe, but definitely easier	(71)
	Bus driver in trouble for not stopping teens from "exposing their genitals on the bus, exposing their buttocks to passing motorists, and igniting a flammable body spray"	(62)
(Some Cool Cat)	Meet 'Ugly' - The cat that couldn't be LOL'ed	(166)
	MSNBC headline writing 101: What's the oddest line in the whole article?	(57)
	Man wanted for robbing a store is arrested when he shows up at the police station.....to take a test to become a police officer	(25)
	Group solicits money to "educate" the people of San Francisco about their "homeless problem." People of San Francisco: "We have a homeless problem?"	(116)
	Girl loses 180 pounds to lose her virginity, now has to beat men off with a stick. Hopefully not the same one she tied a rag to to wash herself	(380)
	Female teacher arrested after having sex with a student spurs outrage. Wait, the teacher is cute in a goth sort of way and the student was a 16 year old girl? Scratch that. Should read "spurs fappage."	(95)
	Boat with three NFL players on board missing off the Florida coast	(133)
(Some Bedouin Guy)	Old and busted: How many angels fit on the head of a pin? New hotness: How many camels fit in a Subaru? w/pic	(45)
	Paddling over a 65' waterfall and setting a world record wasn't thrilling enough for this guy, who then stuck a jet into his kayak and plans to go over Niagra Falls	(38)
	50 interesting Barbie facts as the iconic doll is about to turn 50. Prescient fact number 45: "Teacher Barbie was recalled in 1995 because she wasn't wearing panties."	(66)
	Seattle cop who beats up 15-year old girl claims that he did it to protect himself. Watch the video and decide for yourself	(616)
	Business is booming for mafia loansharks as banks tighten lending. That's change you can .... OW. MY KNEECAP	(55)
	In a discovery that is sure to spark rational discussion, archaeologists may have stumbled upon the Garden Of Eden	(209)
	Hospitals forced to remove alcoholic antibacterial hand gels from their wards because patients are mixing them with Coke and OJ and drinking them	(64)
	Photoshop this peppy performer on a pedestal	(40)
(WZVN)	Nurse sentenced to 210 years for raping sedated patients, could be out in 200 for good behavior	(137)
	Thank goodness it was an honest defense contractor who discovered a breach in government security through file-sharing. Fortunately, no top-secret Marine-One information was compromised, right? RIGHT?	(103)
	Former nun says there's a lot of hetero and lesbian sex going on inside the convents. Must be a hard habit to break	(168)
(Some Guy)	It's not everyday you can say you were injured by a humpback whale's fin	(37)
	Photoshop this muddy man	(66)
	"I don't want another (expletive) candy bar. It's like they want to make you feel like you're nobody. I'll tell you, I'm not letting this candy bar out of my sight."	(92)
(WINK)	Old and busted: Partying teens vandalizing empty, foreclosed homes. New hotness: Wandering bears vandalizing empty, foreclosed homes	(27)
	Buying the wrong brand of beer for the trailer park party? That's a stabbin'	(108)

Sat February 28, 2009

(Consumer Energy Report)	Man gets $26 worth of gas with his paypal debit card, paypal charges his account $81,400,836,908 then has to argue with them that the charge was a mistake	(326)
	San Diego water officials hoping that public humiliation will lead to water conservation, not furious water balloon fights or water hose warfare	(85)
	Sales of delicious, delicious marmalade plunge as today's generation of snot-nosed ungrateful little punks refuse to eat it with their breakfast	(167)
	After the third shark attack this year, organizers of today's Sydney Harbour Swim are playing down fears by having underwater patrols and shark seekers on hand to protect entrants because sharks are afraid of seekers	(47)
	And now you know the end of the story	(480)
	Photoshop theme: Failed celebrity game shows	(96)
	Keys in the ignition? Check. Man arrested in the back seat unhandcuffed? Check. This is Fark...you know how it turns out	(24)
(Some Guy)	Taunton man robbed at knifepoint. Maybe he shouldn't have been Taunton people	(76)
	Man breaks puppy's legs in front of owner, a deaf little girl. Man needs to be fed to "Brick Top's" dogs	(265)
	Six strangest objects people were caught having sex with. Difficulty: how do you fark a street sign?	(114)
	If you've been stealing skulls and other body parts from the Body Farm, the UT Police would like to have a word with you	(56)
(Some Guy)	The 15 strangest college courses in America (with bonus hot pic of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman)	(186)
	Kayaker that was lost then found is lost again. It seems to come in waves	(22)
	The hidden secret of classical music: musicians drink. "It is often said that brass players - often overwhelmingly male orchestral sections - drink the most"	(99)
(Bournemouth Echo)	Diner raises buffet prices as customers eat	(67)
	Darwin warns: When drunk off your ass in the Swiss alps, try not to fall off the edge of the world on your way home	(30)
	President Mugabe celebrates his 85th with a $250,000 birthday bash. That comes out to about 6.022×10^23 in Zimbabwean dollars	(93)
	More older Americans are working beyond retirement age, shutting young whippersnappers out of the job market	(190)
	Naturalist David Attenborough says there's "very convincing" evidence Yetis exist: "Footprints have been found at 19,000ft. No one does that for a joke"	(207)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this watch-checking woman	(60)
(Some Smoking Guy)	Wow, high tech, electronic cigarettes so you can get high tech, electronic cancer	(119)
(The Recorder (Conn.))	Advocate conceal-carry laws at your college? That's a police investigation, you vile thug who probably wants to kill us all	(402)
	Student sued by RIAA. Law professor and his students step in as defense. Hearing held about webcasting trial. Judicial admonition to lawyers about taping each other's conversations. Then it gets weird	(62)
	Like chocolate and peanut butter, some things just go great together. So why is a Canadian town considering banning poutine from hockey rinks?	(74)
	Parents are outraged, OUTRAGED that billboard for "Xanadu" musical says "It's Like Taking Ecstasy", complain to authorities before taking their daily Xanax and Prozac cocktail and dosing their kids on Ritalin	(115)
	Golf cart stolen from course and driven to Walgreens, rams pursuing police car and goes off-road into backyards. Suspect identified as "Snorky" arrested but isn't talking. Three other accomplices split	(50)
	Maryland Court of Appeals rules operators of newspaper websites, blogs and chat rooms that allow readers to post anonymous comments using pseudonyms do not have to readily reveal the posters' identities in defamation suits. Whew	(54)
	Chavez says that Castro is doing much better and even went for a walk around Havana with his friends Richard Parker and Larry Wilson	(26)
(Some Guy)	Judge in case of 33 year old female teacher charged with having sex with a 15 year old male student declares "I find it impossible to decide if he has been harmed," lets her walk free. Okay, what's the judge's Fark login?	(103)
	Insults, assaults, and general mayhem. Friday night in Detroit? Nope, the annual Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement in NYC	(38)
	Chinese restaurant sues Indian restaurant, claiming exclusive right to sell rice in food court. Bonus: Chinese restaurant doesn't object to Taco Bell selling rice	(81)
(Some Guy)	It's Caturday. Do we really need a news story?	(448)
	Pro tip: When trying to buy fake drugs with fake money from a real undercover police officer, make sure your counterfeit money looks believable. Or at least is printed on both sides	(36)
	Photoshop this monk at bat	(40)
(WWL)	Nearly four years later, it appears that FEMA is still doing a heckuva job in New Orleans	(84)
(Celebuzz)	Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together. You just can't beat true love	(192)
	Pub patron captures a ghost on video, names him Sir Lensflare	(45)
	Woman gets ticket after breastfeeding while driving	(112)
	Dear Sheriff: If you want to serve an 80-year-old warrant you found in your file cabinet, let it go, because it's gone	(68)
	Woman attempts suicide by leaping off piers, jetties, rocks and cliffs. Fifty times	(72)
	Utah one step closer to making it illegal to look drunk. No you can't have a beer. Not yours	(155)
	National Guard is pulling out of New Orleans, ceding it to the insurgency	(79)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this recycled robot rickshaw	(56)
	Virginia court decides man owns original 1776 copy of Declaration of Independence, also owns toilet paper roll once used by Marie Antoinette	(178)

Fri February 27, 2009

	"So I killed somebody - that makes me a bad guy?"	(83)
	Vegas casino rewarding customers who can eat a 2-foot, 6 pound burrito with unlimited rollercoaster rides, effectively getting their burrito back to make the next one	(95)
(Trading Markets)	Stolen coffee seized. Must have been from a mugging	(27)
	McDonald's chooses Coke over Pepsi. Again	(280)
	More and more government jerks want to yank money from the public by taxing porn. Critics think the idea is jack and want lawmakers to pull it from their agendas	(67)
(The Times)	Two-year-old refuses to sleep during day, may get charged with resisting a rest	(41)
	US: Anything you say can and will be used against you. ITALY: Any cartwheels you do can and will be used against you	(31)
	Toddler stuck in claw machine, rescued after only eight quarters	(49)
	Ugly-ass golden lion tamarin of undetermined gender born in Denver	(27)
(Merced Sun-Star)	Wheelchair-bound man jumps from highway overpass, officer catches him, jacket rips anyway and he falls 50 feet into a passing dump truck. Ta-da	(74)
(Some Guy)	Lego employees get the sweetest business cards ever	(70)
(The Batt)	As bad as the Twilight novels are, at least they're getting kids to read. 30 something house wives still have no excuse to read them though	(167)
	Note: The fat guy in the Walmart parking lot isn't really a TV salesman, so don't give him your cash	(23)
	Jesus returns -- in this week's intallment of TSG mugshots	(215)
	Hershey's chocolate and Reese's peanut butter cups officially upgraded from candy bars to "Energy Supplements" by CVS pharmacy	(63)
	The coolest collection of crayon art you will see today. Difficulty: using whole crayons	(42)
	Another double standard that favors women. Egg donation is worth more than sperm donation	(109)
	ID the celebrity perp's sneaker and win a prize, courtesy of The Smoking Gun	(41)
	Top 10 most soul-sucking jobs in the world. Wait, how did "modeling" manage to crack the list?	(194)
(Some Ill Guy)	There is no way you don't say 'yeeech' when you read this: Placentas turning up in the Urbana, Illinois sewer system	(77)
	Church choir conductor accused of giving his baton to underage singer	(43)
(The Lawyer)	Researchers claim that British lawyers have become less intelligent compared to the average person, but its possible they're just being mean	(31)
(Poynter.org)	American Society of Newspaper Editors cancels its 2009 convention because there won't be any newspapers left by the time the convention comes around	(25)
	"Some of the people who are most outraged turn out to be consumers of the very things they claimed to be outraged by"	(168)
	Photoshop theme: Boys and their toys	(45)
(KYW1060)	Obama's choice of a Portuguese Water Dog causes breeders to worry that it will encourage puppy mills to carry the breed and raise them in conditions as appalling as a Detroit row home	(356)
	Firefighter learns to speak again with the help of his pet parrots, is now looking to find out if anyone knows any nice pretty boys	(32)
	After her son was killed in a horrible workplace accident, woman offers to pay any fines the employer incurs as a result	(122)
(Some Popsicle)	Canadian mounted police admit they probably should have looked into that SOS message stamped into the snow by the stranded skiers a little sooner	(107)
	Amazon.com is giving away thousands of free books. Unintentionally	(145)
	Rastro romes rome rafter rine rears; Reorge roverroyed	(35)
	No son, you can't play the new "Call of Duty" without first reading all four articles of the Geneva Convention, and then while you play, you must abide by those rule. WTF?	(446)
	Texting "improves language skill." LOLWUT?	(100)
	Axl Rose calls Slash a "cancer," effectively ending any hopes of a Guns n' Roses reunion. One guy with a mullet in New Jersey inconsolable	(276)
	Mayor forced to resign after sending an email to friends and colleges depicting the White House lawn planted with watermelons with the title "No Easter egg hunt this year." What, should I not have done that?	(716)
	Senate passes clearly unconstitutional bill giving D.C. a vote in the House, but adds language stripping the city's gun control laws. So the bill has something to piss off everybody	(302)
	The five most unintentionally gay horror movies. Not that there's anything wrong with that	(206)
	75% of parents say they are 'too busy' to read bedtime stories to their children. Print out this story and use it to wipe your tears of bad-parent guilt, you bastard	(249)
	Cypriots and UN soldiers in asparagus standoff. Yes, you read that correctly	(27)
(Some Guy)	If you donate your wife a kidney, you CAN NOT have it back in the divorce	(91)
	Apparently, the idea of destroying Chicago with a nuclear bomb is humorous to Michael Bolton and the guests at the Conservative Political Action Conference. It's like a skit from "1/2 Hour News Hour"	(278)
	Remember Dothan, Alabama's plan to pay Jews to move there? Well, it's working, and now residents know Temple Emanuel isn't a shrine to TV's Webster	(53)
(Some Guy)	Twenty years ago, if you were admitted to an ER with a foreign object lodged in your rectum, the nurses might have gossiped about it over drinks. Today, they'll take camera-phone pics, gossip about it on Facebook. That's gotta hurt	(108)
	FoxNews tries to juice its pageviews with "Top ten unbelievable sex findings." It's not news, it's Fox	(61)
	"I'm sorry if you had a problem with my Holocaust denial. If I had known people would make such a big deal of it, I never would have said anything. There, happy now?"	(102)
	Problem: Rack up $2.5 Million in debt. Solution: Shoot your dentist	(18)
	U.S. criticizes China's human rights record; China retaliates with "Yeah, well, American cops pull black people over and their kids are all on Ritalin"	(146)
	Consumer Reports confirms what the driving public has known for decades: Chryslers are a piece of crap	(262)
	Digging through your parents' nightstand drawers might get you in trouble. It's not news, it's CNN.com	(94)
(Telstar Logistics)	US Air Flight 1549 gets its own parade through the streets of East Rutherford, NJ. The plane itself, that is. You betcha there are photos	(49)
	New study shows one-third of Brits can't tell their ashes from their elders. The dumb sons of beeches	(34)
	What happens if you sell nuclear bomb components to North Korea, risk lives on a U.S. aircraft carrier, or sell defective body armor to the Air Force? You get awarded new government contracts, that's what	(52)
	Newsday to charge for web content, anticipating a huge response from people willing to pay for news about Long Island zoning board meetings	(41)
	Wal-Mart employee sets himself on fire after realizing he works at Wal-Mart	(61)
	FINAL Reminder: 10th Anniversary Fark Party - Detroit / S.E. Michigan in Royal Oak Tomorrow 2/28/2009 7pm	(19)
(KENS5.com)	There's no better way to guarantee the police will hunt you down for a petty robbery than to steal the money jar from little Girl Scouts selling cookies	(26)
	Guess what happens when 30 school kids throw rocks at a wasp nest?	(98)
	Work would be much more fun if every office building had a happy fun slide like this one	(63)
	90-year-old man on mobility scooter takes wrong turn, ends up in slow lane of six-lane, 70-mph highway, then checks the onion on his belt and shakes his fist at all the reckless drivers	(39)
	Mob takes over Queens condo board to extort tens of thousands of dollars in bogus and inflated fees from owners. HOAs across the nation take notes	(50)
	Old and busted: Guys exercising to lose that beer gut. New hotness: The control-top tee shirt for men -- behold the Mirdle	(58)
	Man partied and had sex with lots of women at work. Which might be cool if he wasn't working at the morgue	(161)
	If you get busted shoplifting, your situation with the authorities is probably only going to get worse if you claim you have a gun and climb into the ceiling. Bonus: Mini-Fark breaks out in the comments	(16)
	If the most beautiful phrase in the world is "beer garden," the runner-up must surely be "month long sex party"	(33)
	130 Bangladeshi army officers taken hostage by border guards. Bangladeshi Spring Break in peril	(12)
	"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard United Airlines, if you are on the left side of the plane, you will see a spectacular view of New York City and US Airways' new runway, the Hudson River." That/s a firin'	(142)
	84-year-old woman buried under 13-foot avalanche: "I still have enough provisions for three months, but it's getting a bit sinister here"	(25)
	As President Obama was visiting Canada last week, a Russian bomber approached America's polite neighbor to the north. But Canadian fighters intercepted the bomber and told it to go on home, eh	(82)
	Economy schemonomy: Chicago to spend $10.5 million to develop an Olympic mascot. "Patrolman Beatdown Barney" and "Voting Fraud Vern" under consideration	(69)
	If you edit the university newspaper, you probably shouldn't insinuate that bagpipes were used to torture Jewish children with their "musical terrorism" during the Holocaust. Even the Nazis wouldn't be that cruel	(38)
	Man trying to have private moment with a car wash vacuum finds himself getting arrested. That just sucks	(32)
	Homeowners living near the Phoenix Goddess Temple think members are paying the temple priestess to help them with the second coming. "It's perceived as a sex church."	(109)
	Obama plans to bring back all the troops from Iraq by August 2010... except for the 50,000 he is leaving there forever. Change you can believe in	(530)
	Porn, vodka and sausages. A really good Saturday night or some of the things seized last week by customs agents at Dulles International Airport?	(27)
	Teacher secretly replaces fourth grader's chairs with exercise balls... let's see if her class doesn't turn into live-action Gnip Gnop	(66)
	Witness put in same cell as murder suspect before hearing. Whoopsie	(44)
	Scientists discover that immoral behaviour actually does leave a bad, and possibly salty, taste in your mouth	(37)
	Not only does the new budget contain earmarks, there is one sponsored by Senator Barack Obama	(394)
	Photoshop theme: Angels and devils	(58)
	If you stole 50 extra-large condoms from the Projekt Sex office last night, the police would like a word. And several female students would like your phone number	(39)
(some chick)	Ole Doc Fisher had a barn....U. ..R.. .A.. .N.. .I.. .U. ..M	(30)
	Bad news: Ryanair will start charging to use the lav on their planes. Good news: Free coffee and water, plus soothing waterfall sounds on the PA	(78)
	The top killers of Texas inmates is: 1) Execution. 2) Prison violence. 3) HIV. Now Texas is working on creating a more powerful, more drug-resistant HIV for its parolees. Really	(127)
	Topless, overweight male dance team strikes a deal with Ellen's producers: Get 8000 hits on their YouTube vid and they will be on the show. Farkers, the challenge is issued	(119)
	Citigroup: Now with up to 40 percent ownership by the U.S. government	(114)
(Some Nutmegger)	REMINDER: CT Fark Party TOMORROW 2/28, 7pm. Margaritas in East Hartford, LGT location	(34)
	Dressing up as a monocled Nazi for a birthday party is all good fun, unless you're a town councillor and decide to post photos of yourself in costume on your Facebook page	(60)
	Cops using a helicopter's infra-red camera mistake a workplace stove for a cannabis factory. "I was astonished they carried out this raid"	(95)
	Bad day: You get attacked by a swarm of bees. Really, really bad day: Whilst running from the bees, you fall down a 100-foot cliff. That stings	(27)
	Oh sure, whenever there is a flooding mishap at the aquarium, everyone blames the octopus	(81)
(Some Guy)	Minnesota mayor camps out on the roof of city hall for a week as a fundraiser for the town's teen center. Didn't really expect the eight inches of snow that fell today	(17)
(azfamily.com)	Dad accused of putting son in clothes dryer and turning it on. Currently trying to iron things out with police	(48)
	Not news: Guy loses cell phone. News: Fisherman catches 25-pound cod, with guy's cell phone in its belly, a week later. Fark: It still works	(66)
	Step 1: Enter restaurant known for having peanut shells tossed on floor. Step 2: Slip on said peanut shell. Step 3: Profit	(94)
	UAE blocks YouTube cartoon in Israel featuring Muslim boys rejecting the suicide-bomber mentality of their fathers. How dare they show anti-Islamic tendancies to the Jews?	(213)
	News: Anti-tax group wants to dump tea in river as protest. Fark: State says they can't do it because tea is "considered a pollutant"	(94)
	Eat Mor Fist	(35)
	Photoshop this candy-craving Kim Jong-il	(51)
(Some Guy)	Congratulations to today's ABC 6 winner	(54)
	Paramedic refuses to help man with broken back because he's on his lunch break	(77)
	Police force comes down hard on officer caught drunk driving, fining him 10 days' pay while allowing him to keep his job and his driver's license	(56)
	Hey college kids, if you're looking for a Spring Break filled with drug-related murder and mayhem, then Mexico is your party destination	(105)

Thu February 26, 2009

(Some Chick)	Woman is outraged by sign in store window:"Sorry, we are not a daycare center. Please control your children". She childishly begins throwing merchandise at the owner until he controls her with a taser	(300)
	Man quits his job and will stay with a different person, in a different city, each week for 52 weeks. In olden times, he'd be known as a hobo	(78)
	How do you fix NYC congestion? According to King Mike, you turn Broadway into a seven block pedestrian walk way	(124)
	Flatulent cows and kangaroos slowly suffocating Australia	(58)
	When in Rome, you'd better not get hungry for ice cream, pizza, or sandwiches after 1 a.m	(58)
	"Sleepover Showings" becoming popular with home buyers, as well as 'Pillow Fights' and 'Spin the Bottle'	(52)
(WMUR)	KFC employees convinced to strip by phone caller. At least they caught on when told to piss on each other	(111)
(Some Guy)	Homeless man successfully robs bank, then waits for police to take him to jail. You're doing it wrong	(49)
	Guy tries to hire hitman to kill his wife for $2100 and a $13.06 gift card. Why yes, there is a Hulk Hogan connection	(62)
	Drop one more source icon from the submissions page - Rocky Mountain News closing doors Friday after 150 years	(156)
	"Anti-American" arson attacks on supermarkets in Sweden being investigated. Authorities believe the culprits probably failed basic geography	(61)
(Athens Banner-Herald)	"You are going to lock me up for a f---ng hot dog, a dollar hot dog?" said the drunken, ranting Assistant District Attorney	(116)
	Former NPR editor popped for kiddie pr0n, soliciting donations from minors	(151)
	Two guys arrested for throwing unopened beer cans at an unmarked police car. In their defense, it was Bud Light	(32)
	Mug shots of the Louisiana degenerates who swapped two kids for a $1500 cockatoo	(167)
	Senate Approves DC voting rights. Suck it, Puerto Rico/Guam/Virgin Islands	(357)
	Photoshop theme: Rejected documentary films	(68)
	Let's not talk about my sexless marriage. Let's talk about yours. Online. Yes, please	(150)
	Women complain of feeling screwed by car-repair industry. Don't worry hon - it's nothing that a lube job and some rear-end work won't fix	(220)
	If air marshalls kick you off a plane for being a fake air marshall, it's probably not a good idea to go to the Admiral's Club and complain about it	(46)
	We've traced the photos, and they're coming from INSIDE THE WAVE	(57)
(WWL)	Officials report black bear making its way through the suburbs. Their advice: "Treat it like a 300-pound stray dog"	(127)
	Pentagon to end photo ban on returning war dead, as America finally remembers how to honor its fallen soldiers	(641)
	Radical new study finds that it's not the carbs or fat, but how much you eat that determines whether you're a lard-ass	(269)
	The Olive Garden: When you're there pumping breast milk while your co-workers watch, you're family	(351)
	Man dies after "guzzling" Viagra during 12-hour threesome	(314)
	If you got a ticket from an illegal red light camera in Los Angeles County, you still have to pay	(110)
	14 year old Israeli girl officially the youngest divorcee ever	(303)
	Man charged with child porn skips court goes on the run. Making matters worse, he's also radioactive	(96)
	Ugly-ass giant jumping rat gives birth to ugly-ass baby giant jumping rat. Both ugly-ass creatures said to be doing well. With ugly-ass photo	(31)
(Some Guy)	Woman caught throwing cigarette butt out her car window complains she was treated "like a criminal" and resulting charge was "stressful and distressing"	(336)
	Doctors making housecalls 'has risen sharply'. The $1500 fee plus a charge for every visit , can motivate a lot of social responsiblity	(54)
	Describe your job as "boring" on Facebook? That's a firing	(254)
(Times-Herald)	Because he didn't get his cost of living raise this year, judge with $93,000 salary forced to take second job. At Wendy's	(226)
	Today's Florida math: Excessive soap opera viewing + pasta boiling over = man finally losing it	(33)
	CNN's new word: Narcotraffickers. Because drug traffickers is just too hard to say	(82)
	Is the noble, glorious, auspicious art of handwriting dying out?	(130)
(WHAM)	Sauerkraut factory hit with numerous health and saftey violations. Officials say it's the wurst they've ever seen	(65)
(Bored copywriter)	His WHAT died?	(91)
	Florida men reenact scene from Up In Smoke, unsuccessfully	(46)
	Man boks at obeying city ordinance	(59)
(Some Guy)	Calling about your $11,500 toll bill? Fine, let's make it $13,000	(91)
	News: Benefits cheat ordered to repay $110,000 she wasn't entitled to. Fark: Within the next 100 years. Ultrafark: While she's still collecting benefits	(40)
(KATU.com)	Portland, Oregon, pays women $50k each for showing their panties, and police get Wood	(50)
	Note to British Farkers: If you're having a heart attack, try to tidy up the place a bit before calling emergency services, or they might refuse to help you	(49)
	Woman had a baby in the county jail, "Toddler" in the toilet it began to wail, The band was jumpin the joint began to swing, You should've heard those knocked up Jailbirds sing	(83)
	When I was a lad, I walked ten miles to school, uphill both ways and through the crocodiles	(28)
	Executives at Blue Grass Airport in Lexington, KY racked up more than $500K in questionable personal expenses billed to the airport, including Hanna Montana tix and $4,400 for a night at a strip club in Dallas	(43)
	One fox, two fox, three fox, tree fox. How they got there, I don't care. I just know The Sun is there	(33)
	China angry at Britain for "stealing" artifacts 150 years ago; takes number, waits behind Greece, Italy, Egypt	(102)
	UN tribunal clears former Serbian president Milutinovic of war crimes	(84)
	Tearful Atlanta cops express remorse for shooting a 92-year-old woman, leaving her to bleed to death in her own home while they planted drugs in her basement, then threatening an informant so he would lie to cover it all up	(442)
	White senator uncovers black relatives, pauses, looks around to see if anyone's watching, shovels dirt back on top of them	(93)
	For just $40, you can have your graffiti of choice sprayed onto the West Bank separation wall. Banksy unavailable for comment	(105)
	Italy's one booming real estate market: nude sales with elderly homeowners	(33)
	Theme: Fun pranks with time machines	(77)
	"On one occasion, they got in a wrestling match, and Higgins put one of his "steel-like fingernails" through Bob's scrotum"	(63)
	Woman wears fat suit to London Fashion Week and is shocked, SHOCKED to discover that she's not treated the same. Jack Black unavailable for comment	(306)
	By now you'd figure babysitters would have figured it out, that they are always being watched on a nanny-cam	(42)
	When asked, all this girl wanted was some steak	(66)
	News: Tucson's zoo gets a new female lion for breeding. Fark: The mate they picked out for her had a vasectomy last year	(33)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this harvester near Hanoi	(57)
	When they battered a Snickers I looked the other way. When they plunged a Twinkie into the fryer I grimaced. But now they've gone too far: fried pizza	(135)
(Some Guy)	Pro Tip: When driving home drunk, try not to park in a trooper's garage claiming it as your own. Especially if said trooper is following you	(52)
	Saudi women get their panties in a knot over having to buy panties from men	(136)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 199: "Lunacy". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(168)

Wed February 25, 2009

	Who better to host your underage boozing party than a 17-year-old pageant winner who volunteers with MADD?	(98)
(Some Guy)	Until a recent crackdown, inmates in one prison enjoyed pornography, mobile phone calls and use of a vehicle to go into town and other places without supervision	(49)
	Local officials looking for way to lick overactive beaver flooding their small town	(52)
	Why WOULDN'T you want a person with a panic disorder to have a gun?	(104)
	California Police: Honestly, that televised beating wasn't nearly as bad as it looked. The dude was totally stabbing himself before we even got there	(78)
	Forget about keeping seniors from getting behind the wheel of a vehicle; focus on not letting them get hold of a machete	(21)
	Unruly kids on bus refuse to sit down, buckle their seat belts, and stop throwing things at the driver, so he hauls their dumb asses to the nearest police station for a stern talking-to	(73)
	Store owner responds to repeated shoplifting of balsamic vinegar with sign reading: "Thanks to the Balsamic Vinegar Thief this area is now under surveillance. We will get you." Sounds like sour grapes to me	(80)
(Some Guy)	Missing man gets seven parking tickets while dead in back seat	(62)
	Have you seen my bunny? It might be a slow news day but if this pic doesn't make you go "awww" you have no heart	(181)
	The greatest tracking shots in cinema	(236)
	Q: What do you call it when an entire town government resigns? A: A good start. "Ringling, OK" would have also been an acceptable answer	(51)
	An officer who killed a driver when his patrol car plowed into a truck at 98-miles-per-hour was speeding after a vehicle with excessive window tint	(140)
	Police say two women robbed someone to get money to throw a party and buy more eyebrow-sharpies	(58)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this boy behind a bullfighting barrier	(37)
	Ever sit at a stop light so long that you just decide to run it? St. Louis Park, MN recommends that you just wait for it....wait for it...wait for it....ugh	(105)
(Some Guy)	Puerto Rico to ship excess wild monkeys to Iraq... because that makes perfect sense?	(55)
	If you steal a safe full of antique money and try to cash a $1000 bill, you bet your're getting busted	(57)
	News: Six people arrested after offering to trade ski lift tickets for drugs. Fark: After posting an ad on Craig's list	(35)
	Latest reason cops offer for tasering people? "He was holding a stapler." Milton Waddams unavailable for comment	(142)
	Chef creates a fine dining vegetarian restaurant called Ubuntu. Guests say the food is way better than at ordinary restaurants; but they hate that they have to cook it all themselves	(225)
	Woman beaten with a crucifix is expected to recover in three days and have her story misinterpreted for thousands of years	(88)
	Come fly in the Congo, where a pilot has to test his plane's cornering ability on takeoff	(69)
	From the "They're not even trying to hide it anymore" file: Entrepreneur sells bottled NYC tap water	(75)
	70-year-old woman fights off four home invaders with her favorite sauce pan. "He looked at me and said, 'Lady, why did you do that?' And I hit him again."	(105)
(CMC Herald)	Beauty queen, corpse and zombie woman arrested in North Wildwood NJ for passing funny money. (complete with lovely pic)	(118)
	Singles with no kids often have to cover for all the leave that married people take. You would have submitted this with a better headline but that lady in accounting is pregnant again and you are too busy with all of her work and yours	(465)
(NBC Washington)	New Virginia driver's licenses will feature black and white photographs, because color is a security threat	(81)
	America hasn't suffered a terrorist attack since 9/11 because terrorists are stupid and burn their lips on tailpipes when they try to blow up buses	(133)
(Newschannel5)	So stop me if you've heard this one: A 46-year-old man attempts to masquerade as a middle school student, boards school bus without incident	(38)
	Man who streaked across soccer field dressed as Cupid to impress his girlfriend was then dumped, now facing Army court-martial for his antics. Love hurts	(82)
	The third rule of school fight club is "try not to actually kill your opponent"	(112)
	Newspapers used to be used for informing the public. Now they're just used as toilet paper for bums	(114)
	On February 24, 2009, the NYC subway became self aware. In a panic, they tried to pull Sarah Connor's MetroCard and the subway responded with a battle that pitted union workers against machines	(120)
	Pakistan upholds ban on Sharif brothers from holding public office. If only there were a way to express the Sharifs' displeasure at this ruling	(77)
	Mystery cloaks a male human skeleton discovered inside the chimney of a long-vacant home. Victim was most likely older than 54-years-old. Yes, Virginia, there WAS a Santa Claus	(83)
	Redneck Riviera celebrates its 450th anniversary with lots and lots of beer	(132)
	Sarkozy admits to being philatelist, that cheating bastard	(59)
	If you think you're having a bad day at work, well, a komodo dragon didn't climb through your window and attack you at your desk	(100)
	Lawmaker fights against naming Marionberry the "official berry of Oregon." Biatch set me up	(78)
	Florida sheriff's office apparently trying to field MLB team as 15 deputies investigated for steroid use	(45)
(Red and Black)	Peephole in door of girl's dorm room reversed; police are looking into it	(87)
	America's worst intersections. Does not include four-way stops where the idiot who arrived before you insists on waving you through first	(340)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: Young children doing unlikely things	(57)
(Some Guy)	"Store employees arriving for work were greeted by the sight of a man walking about the store in a pink camisole and pink panties taken from the store's racks"	(50)
	If you absolutely must stop by police headquarters to report a burglary, please try not to interrupt their Monday night poker game	(43)
	The 25 cent toll increase in Boston next month has nothing to do with the toll-collectors who earn $95,000 a year	(180)
	If you've just escaped from the cops after stealing two bottles of malt liquor from a deli, you probably shouldn't yell "It was me you idiots, you have the wrong guy" out your window when you see them leading someone else away	(41)
(Some Guy)	Thieves panty raid Victoria's Secret store for the second time in two months. Police plan booby trap and are confident they will make a bust. Fark will keep you abreast of any further developments	(77)
	♫ ♪ Monster pig, monster pig, does whatever a monster pig does, does he block the main road? Of course he does, he's a pig. Look out, here comes the monster pig ♫ ♪	(50)
	Ditch an American Airliner in the Hudson? You become an instant worldwide celebrity. Crash land a Turkish Airliner in a field with no casualties? Your name doesn't even appear in the article (update: 9 casualties)	(85)
	It's the work of the devil people	(73)
	Dentist claims he was performing a valid medical procedure when he was gently massaging his female patients' breasts. Honestly doc, I'm not worried about teeth all the way up there	(78)
	Some join the military out of love of nation and feelings of patriotism -- others, like this guy, so they can steal all the M&Ms they want (with goofy-ass mug)	(125)
	Artist releases huge floating smiley faces made of helium, soap and vegetable dye over London "to cheer people up" (pic)	(110)
	News: Man catches 53-pound fish. Fark: Simply by walking over to it in his backyard and picking it up	(51)
(Cape Cod Times)	Man burned after setting car on fire to stay warm: Hey, I ran out of gas, let's build a campfire	(23)
	This year's iron Rio Carnival ingredient: MILFs (possibly not safe for work)	(124)
	Ninjas vs. pirates about to get real	(91)
(Some paint sniffer)	A painting of a giant fish on your wall? That's a fining. Replace it with a painting of the First Amendment? That's a fining too	(163)
	Bank error in your favor, collect $1.13 billion	(79)
(Some Guy)	Man tries to cash stolen lottery tickets at lottery commission office, makes it easy for the police by providing his name, birthdate, drivers license and social security card	(11)
	Actual headline: Deputy about to take a bathroom break at a Md. gas station smells crack, arrests suspect	(37)
	Fitness trainer who resolved to gain 100 lbs to better understand his fat clients is nearly halfway to his goal, has developed a beer gut and a decent pair of moobies. The Sun is there with before and after pics	(198)
	Ah the old "shield ourselves using a fake chimney while we cut a hole in the bank roof" routine + clean getaway = crime DOES pay, kids	(58)
(Some thin ice)	Tired of swimming in circles, one-armed snowmobiler uses cell phone to summon help after falling through ice	(25)
	You know times are tough when someone breaks into your house just to do a load of laundry	(28)
	Spain inquires about taking some Guantanamo inmates. Nobody expected that	(61)
	Top student's Ivy League dreams shattered because of the economy... may be forced to attend GASP a state school. Break out the tiny violins, boys	(184)
	Photoshop theme: Classic artwork turned into advertisements	(158)
	Economic hardships being felt at Disneyworld; water bottles are still $6	(36)
	Baby name Web site discovers amusing double-meaning names, including Justin Case, Barb Dwyer, Stan Still, Mary Christmas, Paige Turner, Chris Cross, Barry Cade, and Sonny Day. Phil McCracken, Amanda Huggenkiss strangely absent	(193)
	Topless coffee shop opens in Maine. But doesn't that let the snow get in?	(91)
(Some Guy)	Headline: Police will have to inspect for nude dancing before making a bust. And what a nice bust it is	(20)
(Some Guy)	Family gives university $14 million for Brazilian studies. That's like, $0.14 per study	(23)
	If you're lost at sea, you expect the rescue ship NOT to plough through you. It's a given. Isn't it?	(32)
	WV police officer arrested for never watching To Catch a Predator	(63)
(Panama City News Herald)	Credit union confiscates couple's $50 charity check for food because they owe $27,000 in loans. Hilarity ensues	(61)
	Image of the day: Why, Japan, why?	(177)
(KCRA3)	Agent 1: So this guy keeps robbing banks in Cali. We need a catchy name to call him. Agent 2: How about "Goat Bandit?" Agent 1: PERFECT	(35)

Tue February 24, 2009

	Alp-sized mountains found under Antarctic ice sheet. Also found: A sign that reads, "Please curb your Shoggoth."	(163)
(Elko Free Press)	Western U.S. may be invaded with plague of "Mormon crickets" this summer. You can identify them by their minature long undergarments and tiny "Yes on Prop 8" stickers	(89)
	21 Reasons why the US economy may be turning around. But you can still panic if you'd like	(132)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this down and dirty duty	(49)
	Ow, his balls: Mug shot of the 19-year-old woman arrested for crushing her ex-boyfriend's testicles	(215)
	Not news: trying to steal a car. Fark: somehow managing to lock yourself inside it until the police arrive for the easiest arrest they've ever made	(32)
	Gun-rights advocates not happy about an urban war exercise that would have let National Guard members practice searching and confiscating guns from the homes of private citizens	(327)
	Shooting erupts along Mardi Gras parade route. Or as Nawlins residents call it, Fat Tuesday	(55)
	Try to steal 91 lobsters, and a bored writer will use as many puns as possible. That's the LAW	(76)
	Actual headline - Sting rescues 17 Northwest child prostitues. What a cool guy. I'm going to have to give his solo music another shot	(90)
	Some HOAs suck, and then there's this one	(156)
	Coolest video of a tunnel lit with 41,000 LEDs you'll see all day	(73)
	Ceiling crooks are watching you masturCRASH	(30)
	Not news: Woman wins 12-year legal battle over property dispute. News: She's 102. Fark: Her opponents are appealing and resolution could take another decade or more	(33)
	Larry Douthwaite is a simple man. He just wants to wear ridiculous hats to work. Like his giant corn-on-the-cob hat, or his hat with a giant model airplane on it. But some people won't let Larry do that	(73)
	When hauling your trash all the way to the curb is just too much work	(60)
	Florida house party mug shots	(70)
	Bernanke: Recession could extend to 2010	(174)
	Bernanke: Recession may end this year	(99)
	World's most pierced woman claims not liking it, suffers for art, after 6005 piercings. Also, she hates airport security	(140)
(Some Guy)	Why you should dump your ex politely: they might date a cop next, and you might get a parking ticket at the same time every day on a street you've never been to that it's legal to park on. For a car you don't own	(197)
	California school spends $10K a year to teach Spanish to.....wait for it.....wait for it.....kids that are already fluent in Spanish	(150)
(Some Guy)	University President calls for hiring freeze and salary cuts, then accepts $9,000 raise	(114)
	And topping the list of Signs the Economy Sucks at #1 is "your ex-cons are trying to get back into prison for the free meals"	(29)
	Man fined £2000 for "dangerous skating". Fark: He's 71 (with video)	(41)
	MVP. Most Valuable Primate kills because he watched too much Project X. Can you blame him?	(26)
	Working long hours causes brians tu knot wurk gooder	(63)
	Monday: Fire 35% of employess. Tuesday: Restore executives to their full salary	(450)
	Northern Trust bank, recipient of much bailout money, has lavish Beverly Hills private party, complete with rock band Chicago, Earth, Wind & Fire and Sheryl Crow	(154)
	Some are not happy about a website that sells wife-beater T-shirts and gives a discount to anybody who could prove they were convicted of wife beating	(93)
(LA Daily News)	Problem: Trees obscure the view of your illegal billboard from the freeway. Solution: Cut them down in the dead of night causing $42,000 in damage	(85)
	Not News: School board cuts budget. News: School board tells bus drivers to buy their own uniform pants. Fark: the uniforms are supposed to prevent terrorists from hijacking school buses	(63)
	When Bishops Attack	(117)
	Dear America, we hate your war, but we love the investment opportunities your war has given us. Thanks, mwah. Love, France and Germany	(181)
(NBC Washington)	Washington D.C. parking meters say they are broken, but after you park at them and walk away they magically repair themselves and you get a ticket	(109)
(kmtv.com)	How many state employees does it take to assemble a Sony PlayStation? Five, apparently	(49)
	If you live in Houston and are buried in credit card debt, the city council knows it's not your fault and wants to pay them off for you. The sound you just heard was 250 million responsible adults doing a facepalm	(154)
(The State)	In a desperate bid to extend his 15 minutes, SC Sheriff Leon Lott dons a blonde wig, gold medals for news conference to discuss the Michael Phelps case (with video goodness)	(181)
	There are cool pictures of lightning, and then there are cool HIGH SPEED pictures of lightning	(67)
(SLO Tribune)	Man collapses and dies playing recreational hockey at San Jose rink, two hours after another man collapsed and died playing hockey at the same rink. What the h-e-double-hockeysticks?	(58)
	Seattle man boasts world's biggest collection of celebrity-signed yarmulkes, keeps them next to his autographed copy of the "Famous Jewish Sports Legends" leaflet	(50)
	Storing propane tanks in the bedroom? You betcha that's an explosion	(56)
	Although a crappy president, Jimmy Carter did one good thing: He legalized home brewing, leading to the craft beer revolution that makes American ales the most varied and inventive in the world	(353)
	Workplace Bullying Institute claims effects of workplace bullying worse than sexual harrassment. In other news, there's a Workplace Bullying Institute	(76)
	"Sully" Sullenberger says that pay cuts are driving the best pilots out of the profession, leaving behind idiots who definitely couldn't land a plane safely on a river	(143)
	Thieves keep stealing street sign for Mullet Place in Green Bay. MacGyver, Billy Ray Cyrus, Team Canada wanted for questioning	(41)
	How many times in an officer's career does he get to ask this question: Do you know your pants are smoking?	(27)
	Memo to all you slackers who can't find a job, here's a man who's trying for fifty jobs in fifty states, and all in the same year	(67)
	Man has woman arrested for trying to hug him. Looking at her mug shot, can't quite blame him	(97)
	Youth theater group stages open-air performance of "Romeo and Juliet" at farmer's market, frightened shoppers call police because those damn noisy kids are causing trouble again	(80)
	Old and busted: waffle cone. New hotness: Pizza Cone	(99)
	If you're going to engage in identify theft, it's probably not a good idea to steal and misuse information from the county judges. You know, just in case you get caught	(17)
	Photoshop this barrier breach by a boy	(55)
	Bob Barker demands transfer of elephant from Edmonton to Tennessee, estimates cost at $1	(76)
	Workers find a 120-ton locomotive missing...if there were just some sort of tracks they could follow to find it	(70)
	Frog with seven legs found at Chinese restaurant. Dr. Mephesto sought for questioning	(46)
	Man who invented chess software to teach the game to high school students says he was inspired by Dennis Rodman. In other news, school's new public speaking program inspired by Joaquin Phoenix	(33)
	Man helping elderly women cross street is hit by truck, sent to intensive care, then fined for jaywalking	(56)
	Federal government earmarks $5 million for campaign to promote marriage, though it will probably only use 50% of that budget	(172)
	Just another story to make you a little less comfortable at lunch today -- enjoy	(58)
	So how bad has the foreclosure crisis gotten? Well in Manassas, VA, once the center of the housing boom, 10% of the town's homes were foreclosed this year alone, and townhouses that sold for $250-300k in 05 can now be had for $40-60K	(300)
	The German way: Working 30 years as supermarket cashier and making one mistake worth €1.30 and...get kicked out	(95)
(Local 12)	Cincinnati finally decides whether to use "Put your junk in the trunk" slogan for either an auto or sex education program. "Wrap your crap" was also considered but ultimately rejected	(49)
(Albany Times Union)	Police arrest teenager for getting all stabby when his father took away his 30-pack of Budweiser. Charges include assault, crappy taste in beer	(102)
(Iceland Review)	Iceland to shut down its defense department, opening up the bankrupt island nation to pirates seeking Bjork CDs and delicious fermented shark meat	(67)
(Some Worm)	Dominatrix Mom says she is teaching her children to be tolerant - by letting her 15-year old daughter do the make up for a porno shoot	(191)
(Some Guy)	Woman sues Santa Claus for falling on top of her and disfiguring her face. Santa says she can have Rudolph's nose since she's just a money-grubbing ho ho ho	(11)
(Some infested guy)	When trying to get rid of lice, gasoline might not be the best choice	(79)
	Won't take your hat off at church...that's a stabbin'	(94)
	REMINDER: 10th Anniversary Fark Party - Detroit / S.E. Michigan. 2/28	(53)
	The newspapers are fine. The owners just suck	(68)
	Comments sections are raising problems for news websites. Submitter is an asshat	(199)
	Latest attempt to thwart crocodiles? Taping magnets to their heads. Who's the lucky scientist who gets that job?	(51)
	Juveniles pick old, abandoned home for night of drinking and revelry -- in the movies, they'd get found by some deranged killer. In real life? Cops. Lots of cops	(48)
	IHOP serving free pancakes today to celebrate National Pancakes Day. Pancakes	(121)
	NYC firefighters are running arround in circles trying to fight a big blaze in Chinatown	(46)
(Some Guy)	Chances are, if you've already had an unconscious female removed from your shoulders by the police, you probably shouldn't pass out in a truck in their parking lot	(23)
	Too fat to stand trial for dealing drugs? Not this time, thanks to U-Haul	(66)
	When you're caught carrying 52lb of cocaine out of Venezuela in a false-bottomed suitcase, saying "I thought I was smuggling diamonds" probably isn't the best defense	(35)
	Teens with high exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex were more than twice as likely to have had sexual intercourse, like big butts and cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny	(125)
	Caption Kobe Bryant and his courtside pal Bill O'Reilly	(75)
(Some Guy)	Cop blocks intersection for 30 minutes to protect peregrine falcon feasting on pigeon. "Anything that kills pigeons is good with me."	(196)
	Two cooks create world's biggest stack of pancakes, ask to borrow one of those giant bunnies to create the ultimate Internet meme	(44)
	State finally decides that it's probably not a good idea to have hundreds of fish living in beauty salons	(62)
	Two police officers, with generous help from the general public, capture the Caerbannog after it leaves its cave. And they didn't even have to deploy the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch	(42)
	Photoshop theme: Animals in disguise	(57)
	Homeowner facing charges after firefighters find marijuana plants in his home. Fark: Not because of the pot, that's totally cool, but stealing power from the utility company to grow them isn't	(18)
	News: Washington State sending checks to the needy. Fark: The checks are for $1.00	(115)
	After a shark attack that left a surfer's hand hanging by only three centimeters of skin, surgeons were able to reattach it and with the aid of leeches restore blood flow. Suck it, shark	(27)
	If attacking beachgoers with a stick of bamboo, choking your landlord, punching a busker and threatening to kill an insurance rep doesn't get you arrested, threatening the police with a pig's jawbone surely will	(27)
	Brazil really knows how to throw a party (Carnival Photo Gallery)	(86)
(kdvr.com)	Couple finds reversed peephole in their hotel room	(102)
(Some Guy)	Cop taking a girl to jail falls for the oldest trick in the book when she asks him to roll the patrol car window down because she felt dizzy and needed some fresh air	(55)
	Bird flu treatment works in mice. Great... at least they're safe	(33)

Mon February 23, 2009

	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Dice	(58)
	The coolest pic of a deep-water transparent headed fish you'll see...well, probably ever	(168)
	Neuroscientists warn parents: Facebook and Twitter will reduce your kids to sheltered, self-absorbed chronic masturbators with the attention span of a fly	(140)
	Mastercard informs customers of another massive credit card data breach. Wow, it's Monday already?	(66)
(Mass Live)	News: Female teacher runs off with male student. Fark: A 15 year old elementary student	(120)
	California lawmaker introduces bill that would legalize marijuana, essentially making its use subject to the same limits as alcohol	(762)
	You might be a Jedi if you can deflect a taser bolt with a knife blade	(73)
	In recognition of Best Picture of the Year, Stock Market closes at lowest level since 1997. A little late to be recognizing "Titanic", but the message is obvious	(271)
	Study shows that employees leaving a company are more likely to steal data from their employer. Just find someone who's really good with the credit union software first	(74)
	Woman leaps off cliff to catch feather, promptly disproves Galileo	(107)
	100 - [10L - 7F + C(k - C) + T(m - T)]/(S - E) = OM NOM NOM	(196)
	Baghdad's National Museum reopens six years after looting. Featured displays include mostly a bunch of really heavy stuff	(84)
	Owner of Gothenburg, Sweden's Starcups Café doesn't understand why Starbucks has a problem with his coffee shop's name; says "Starcups is a totally different thing." McDowell's unavailable for comment	(86)
	Catholic Church ponders selling indulgences. No, this is not a repeat from 1517	(271)
	New bill would let cops seize your car if they suspect you of cruising around looking for a prostitute	(311)
	More 3D sidewalk chalk drawings to freak you out	(109)
	Eleven questions about wine answered. Not included: "What food goes best with Cisco Peach?"	(146)
(Drew)	Geronimo, hamsters, and Buddhist monk sex scandals: Headlines of the Week for Feb 15 - Feb 21	(13)
	Herbal weight-loss supplements found to be tainted with laxatives. With fronds like that, who needs enemas?	(76)
	Why do women feel so ANGRY? Sigh. Well, now they're going to tell us, aren't they?	(938)
	Cricket team learns the hard way that having a large "H" as a team logo can be problematic if games are ever played near helicopter flight zones	(75)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this llama on a leash	(49)
	The coolest video of American troops invading English beaches you'll see today	(72)
	Parents sue middle school because their precious snowflake got sent to time-out	(173)
	Buying organically grown food and recycling? Doesn't work. Five ways people are trying to save the world but are just wasting time	(327)
	Public servants in Chinese city of Zhengzhou not allowed to sport "unnatural hair styles" or wear clothes that are too colorful. In other news, Bravo's plans for "Queer Eye: China" scrapped	(50)
	Six-foot-one, 230-pound, 29-year-old robber gets chased down and tackled by his 75-year-old victim	(78)
	"We were riding our luck" and realized "we wouldn't be able to go on for much longer," ultimately ended up "scared and wet and happy." Sounds like submitter's prom night	(69)
	British man, returning to UK after Guantanamo, decries oppressive, invasive, humiliating experience. And Guantanamo was pretty rough, too	(169)
(Press Citizen)	Iowa City cop -- found passed out in his car with the door open -- admitted to drinking but denied that he had been driving. Might have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the snow -- and the fresh tire tracks his car had left in it	(93)
	Traditional children's tea parties making a come back in Britain. Polly Prissy-Pants and Clyde Frog unavailable for comment	(52)
	Backlash begins against a University Challenge team that "wipes the floor" with their competition. Next up: Scumbag College	(174)
	So what happened was the gospel singer and his wife were offered accommodations at the church, until the pastor noticed they didn't have wedding rings and asked them to prove they were married. Then things got all arsony	(46)
	Satanist files $10 million lawsuit against jail guards who "ridiculed" his stupid "religion" while he was locked up	(295)
	How to avoid four common marriage problems. "Don't get married" surprisingly absent	(546)
(Some Guy)	Mother and son charged with beating women with a ceramic statue. The Honorable Judge Pygmalion not amused	(28)
	If you haven't passed your driver's test the first 774 times you take it, the odds are the 775th time isn't going to be your moment of triumph either	(118)
	Nearly 9,000 loincloth-clad men gather at temple, pour cold water on themselves, turn off the lights and struggle to recover two eight-inch pieces of wood in what may possibly the gayest religious ceremony outside of the Catholic church	(79)
	Chinese boy born with natural night-vision, is promptly recruited as first Asian X-men member	(194)
	New York Medicaid investigators battling flood of fraudulent claims, including prosthetic eyes for people who don't need them, medical care for the long-deceased, and prenatal checkups for men	(38)
	As job losses mount ever higher, the "farewell email" has become an art form	(211)
	Jamaica bans all songs that feature, sex, violence, arson, rape, murder, pelvic grinding and playing with marked cards. In other news, Jamaican radio falls silent	(104)
	If you call a friend to pick you up after crashing your car, it's good form to let him know you were fleeing police as he may want to leave his drugs at home	(28)
	Having almost run out of alphabet to name upcoming generations, media anoints new "Generation Jones." Fark: And they're probably older than you are	(183)
(Some Guy)	Dear Hasbro: If you're going to lay off people in your company, make sure it isn't the person who screens the "Word of the Day" list for your website (link now goes to screencap)	(147)
	♪♬ Dum, dum, du-dum-du-dum-dum. Björn, Björn, Björn of the tundra -- WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE ♪♬	(34)
	London's Metropolitan Police preparing for "summer of rage" against economic crisis. And so it begins	(78)
	India trying to reclaim patents from westerners stealing their proprietary knowledge. Fark: For yoga positions	(37)
(Some Guy)	Woman, caught tampering with baby food at supermarket, claims she was mixing the food for her son. Oh, her son is 21	(59)
(Whispers in the Loggia)	Pope set to canonize Hawaiian leper-tending priest Father Damien. Republicans demand to examine his birth certificate	(58)
(Some Guy)	Beer Pong linked to herpes rise. I guess the rules have changed since I was in college	(61)
	One third of residents living in El Paso go to Ciudad Juarez for cheaper medical treatment. How dare U.S. citizens take advantage of economic opportunities in Mexico	(66)
	Heath Ledger wins best supporting actor, doesn't even show up for ceremony. (LGT complete list of winners)	(298)
	♪ Once I ran from you, now I've the runs from you ♪	(32)
	Photoshop this shield inspector	(73)
	Man accused of sinking yacht to collect insurance money. Police were tipped off by suspect talking about performing magic, humming The Final Countdown	(53)
	When your pub boss tells you to put the £1,000 evening take in a "safe place," he doesn't mean the lit oven	(14)
	Sack me if you've heard this one before. So, this Irishman walks into a bar...	(65)
(Raleigh Telegraph)	Slow news day: Half-empty can of Diet Coke survives 300-mile ride of terror on the rear bumper of a U-Haul truck (with pic)	(65)
	Jim Bunning (R-eally big dumbass) speculates on Ruth Bader Ginsburg's life expectancy	(81)
	Man shoots himself in the arm when his gun accidentally discharges while hunting coyotes. That's what you get for buying your weapons from Acme Co.	(65)
	CNN wants you to know Beverly Hills is suffering in the recession too. World's smallest gold-plated, diamond-encrusted Gucci violin gets a workout	(55)
	Army Emergency Relief, charity wing of U.S. military, is stockpiling tens of millions of dollars instead of using it to help put returning fighters back on their feet. But they have a Support Our Troops magnet on the car, so it's okay	(89)
(Some Guy)	German shepherd looks after kittens orphaned by Melbourne wildfires	(41)
(Sunday Territorian)	Not news: Motorist caught driving with 0.115 BAC. News: En route to pick up aunt at night club. Fark: She's only 13	(64)
	Just days away from trial for a helicopter escape from a high-security Athens prison, two men escape the same high-security prison via helicopter. Dumbass tag is for prison	(65)
	Iron Photoshop Challenge: Photoshop something that does not exist but should. (LGTI)	(123)