Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2009-02-15 23:59:59'

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Sun February 15, 2009

	Man with a history of DUIs bypasses the court-ordered Breathalyzer in his vehicle by renting a car. Would have gotten away with it if he hadn't crashed into a pole while drunk	(29)
	Am farking from bar with blackberry. What is a good line I can use on the girl sitting next to me? (VE)	(235)
	Hugo Chavez declares victory on referendum to forever allow him to declare victory	(85)
	Police department's reverse 911 system accidentally drunk-dials the citizens of San Diego, tells them to stay classy	(21)
	Peanut Corporation of America files for bankruptcy. NUTS	(69)
	... so here's an elk with a barstool on its head	(36)
	Loaded college house party beer pong champ finds loaded 12-gauge shotgun in the bedroom. Hilarity ensues	(84)
	"They don't all understand risk management as well as they should because they all got busted when they came to prison, but when it comes to execution and marketing - they get it"	(35)
	Prisoner excused from court appearance because nobody wants to ride in the transport van with him and his dysfunctional bowel	(48)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this vintage truck part	(44)
	"Marriage couldn't be more unattractive - the number of us getting hitched has slumped to the lowest level since records began, 150 years ago. By next year, it's predicted that singletons will be in the majority"	(376)
	The supergun that kills from a mile away -- and the camouflaged crackshots using it against the Taliban	(267)
	You know a date has farked up when a SWAT team is sent in to finish it off	(41)
	Delivery of flowers and candy in suburban Denver city nabs unsuspecting fugitives. For the eighth year in a row	(17)
(Some Guy)	Nazis in Color (one pic is NSFW)	(357)
	Two fads combine into one pointillist display of awesome	(60)
	'Art Instinct' theorizes we may be hard-wired by nature to create. Now you have an excuse for your four-volume Han Solo/Chewbaca slash fic cycle	(41)
(Some Guy)	Man is charged after throwing soda can at woman's head. She'll be fine, it was a soft drink	(59)
	Pilot had Buffalo plane set on "auto-crash" before it went down	(208)
	Caption of the year: "The couple in happier times, before Hassan removed his wife's head"	(273)
	13 yr-old boy may not be the father of 15 yr-old's newborn daughter after all when it is revealed that she's been having sex with seven other boys. We're gonna need Maury Povich to sort this one out	(259)
	The top fashion buzzwords during the current time of economic hardship are "Chiconomics" and "Michelle Obama", or so says the Global Language Monitor. In related news, there's a Global Language Monitor	(22)
	It's been 25 years since one of the worst hatchet jobs in music history. But the 'Tap is still standing, and has big plans	(79)
	Prince Harry fails his first flight exam, will get extra tutoring and be allowed to re-take it until he passes. It's good to be the prince	(63)
	The government can videotape people on private property without a warrant and the courts don't seem to have a problem with it	(223)
(Some Guy)	Nevada the latest state to discover that expansive and draconian federally mandated sex-offender registration programs may be too expensive to enforce, may ditch the program. If it happens in Vegas, don't tell mommy	(101)
(Some Guy)	28 year old female teacher, basketball coach, arrested for having sex with a 14 year old she was tutoring at her home. This headline would normally involve a "ball handling" pun but the 14 year old she had sex with was, alas, a female	(112)
	So?	(162)
	Photoshop theme: Aliens among us	(59)
	Stunt rider copies Steve McQueen's motorcycle jump from "The Great Escape", using an old-fashioned motorcycle and modern brass balls (with video spiffiness)	(49)
(Some Guy)	We've replaced these Pepsi twelve packs with eight packs for the same price. Let's see if anyone notices	(165)
(Some Stoner)	California lawmakers come up with brilliant idea to solve state's debt: legalize marijuana. In related news: Doritos to open a new packaging and distribution plant in California	(185)
(Some Guy)	Growing coyote population challenge hunters, boon to ACME sales	(78)
	Sometimes ice fishing isn't about catching fish. Sometimes it's about the ice shack, baby. Ice shack	(39)
	Lawmakers, industry in accord after salmonella outbreak. Well, there's too darn many of them to fit in a Civic	(16)
	Living near windmills can cause "wind turbine syndrome." Symptoms include nausea, back problems, mood disorders, seizures, hunger, sleepiness, daylight, nighttime	(170)
	38 year old woman arrested for having sex with a 15 year old boy in October forgets what the "G" in the GPS monitoring system stands for, is arrested again - with the boy in her car - when she pays him a pre-Valentines Day visit	(77)
	When letting an exec play at your high-roller tables, you should probably make sure the money he's using is his	(52)
(Sam Adams)	Oregon plans 1900% increase in beer tax. Next up: stamp tax	(115)
	Jordanian man dresses as a donkey to protest Valentine's Day celebrations, makes a complete ass of himself	(23)
(UKMedix)	If you're in Singapore, don't take the counterfeit Viagra branded "Santi Bovine Penis Erecting Capsule"	(20)
(Some Ax)	Police in South Carolina stage "Guns for Roses" program. Welcome to the jungle	(29)
	Sheriff Joe Arpaio arrests 72 on Valentine's Day for "Operation Tough Love." Planned for the future: "Operation Immigration Easter Egg Hunt"	(114)
	Mayor of Mexico City decides to improve his chances of re-election by addressing government corruption, drug cartels, kidnapping, and poverty. Nah, I'm just messin' with ya, he's handing out free Viagra	(39)
	Research indicates that people who live on tree-lined streets tend to live happier lives, are less likely to be crime victims, and more likely to be admired via binocular-toting pervs in conveniently-located trees	(51)
	Mike's Sydney apartment	(41)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: Awkward moments in history	(65)
	British retailers to alter children's clothes sizes in order to account for new generation of obese kids	(48)
	Aussies panic as Virgin goes down on them	(36)
	Australia has 5 new 'mega-lift' ambulances to haul your fat ass around. Next up: forklifts and flatbed trucks, you whale	(58)
	Man acquitted of trying to drug his date after using innovative "she asked me to put this drug in her drink while she was in the restauraunt bathroom" defense	(92)
	The War on Valentine's Day began when we dropped the 'saint' from 'Saint Valentine'	(275)
(Some Guy)	If you just robbed a bank, and you're worried that authorities know what you're wearing, taking off all your clothes isn't the best way to avoid unwanted attention	(19)

Sat February 14, 2009

	Salman Rushdie dating a woman who has either a caterpillar collection or Sharpie fetish	(115)
	Photoshop this guy wearing a gas mask	(39)
(Some Guy)	Anyone can pee their name in the snow, but can you write your name with your voice?	(85)
	A collection of light graffiti	(67)
	Off-duty Baltimore cop at Looney's Pub slices open man's face by punching him while holding a beer bottle, because he was crazy enough to interrupt the cop while he was harassing two women in his group	(231)
	Farmer who died of cancer is laid to rest by his llama army	(75)
(Some Guy)	It doesn't matter if you hate hockey or sports in general. Just listen to this NHL announcer's ridiculously awesome goal calls	(137)
(The Register Citizen)	Husband rummages through contents of Dumpster to find wife's wedding ring ... with awwwww Valentine's Day sweetness photo	(89)
	Photoshop theme: The next step in human evolution	(53)
	Clown Car Update: No more publicist, now she has an agent. Presumably, California assistance laws will not pay for a publicist, but will pay for an agent. Bonus: Same agent as Pastor Rick Warren	(213)
	One industry that's not looking for a government bailout: Mardi Gras beads... because as we all know, women don't usually flash their boobs for mortgages	(65)
(Some Guy)	Folks irked by Obama coins that are simply stickers placed on 50-cent pieces	(390)
	Nearly 90 percent of kids claim their parents 'swear inappropriately' in front of them. Ungrateful little f*&%ers	(139)
	"A 41-year-old transgender woman pleaded guilty Thursday to reckless homicide for exercising her 73-year-old husband to death."	(117)
(Some Dirt Bike Rider)	Remember riding dirt bikes as a kid? Yeah, well, your kids won't	(308)
	Researcher says the first sweet kisses of courtship may provide important information on mating. More research is obviously necessary. How YOU doing?	(47)
	Scientists say chocolate could become as rare and expensive as caviar. Behold, the Cocoa Wars have begun	(152)
(Norman Transcript)	New ordinance says that anyone in Norman, OK who can't prove they did not litter will have to pay up to a $750 fine... with the exception of City Council members, who can tear up the Constitution without a problem	(117)
	If you're a 45 year old woman who wants to have sex with an underage high school student but, unfortunately, you're not one of his teachers do you: C) call the office pretending to be his mom to check him out of school when you want some	(111)
	Man jailed after confrontation with his wife and his mistress, is released just in time for Valentine's Day	(43)
	Mexico to create national fingerprint register of all cell phone users in order to deter kidnappers	(53)
	Joe Torre, safe from the reach of Darth Steinbrenner, continues his carpet bombing of the Yankee mystique	(38)
	Canadians suddenly learn that they live in a police state, where surfing for midget pr0n is no longer safe from Big Brother's eyes	(85)
	One bright spot about the recession: it gives men an excuse not to be forced to buy meaningless Valentine's Day gifts	(116)
	Police forcibly hospitalize seven-year-old in mental ward against his parents' wishes, because he threw a tantrum in his second-grade class	(246)
	More and more Germans taking performance enhancing drugs to get them through a day at work. Subby is more traditional, and is sticking with Beer, the breakfast of champions	(31)
	Photoshop theme: Make a Valentine's Day card	(82)
(Some Guy)	Man writes children's hunting books such as 'Little Jake and the Three Bears' where one of the bears does not come out of the hunt well, but his skin keeps Little Jake toasty through the next winter	(75)
	Not news: Photographer has first exhibition in Seattle. News: Exhibit gets rave reviews. FARK: Photographer is a cat. Happy Caturday	(643)
	An upside to being a Customs and Border Patrol agent is that you can pick up a housekeeper for your mom real cheap	(25)
	Atlanta pre-kindergartens stop giving out slots to kids whose parents camp out for three days to get them. Tag is for mom and dad	(31)
(Some Guy)	Citroen DS named most beautiful car ever	(213)
(MLive)	"I'm thinking, 'Michigan ... February ... and I got a dead alligator"	(26)
(Some Guy)	On top of smoke and flames, sometimes firemen have to deal with drunk hotel guests. "She was mooning the firefighters, asking to see their penises."	(48)
	Video posted on YouTube of guy stealing bicycle from university campus. Bonus: Guy is senior dean of College of Medicine	(52)
(WYFF 4)	Can I get a Big Mac, fries, a Coke, a concussion, a broken nose and a swollen jaw?	(36)
	Barack and Obama not the only weird names given to Alberta babies this year	(115)
	Most Americans: "Who the hell is Rutherford B. Hayes?" Paraguayans: "He's our national hero"	(81)
	PB&J day is March 4 at the Georgia capitol. What could possibly go wrong?	(47)
(Some Car Guy)	GM's problems haven't stopped them from building a 17 foot tall replica of Bumblebee for the Chicago Auto Show	(87)

Fri February 13, 2009

	Amazing pictures of the annual Tibetan Prayer Festival. Bloody beaten peasants and Chinese troops with tear gas noticeably absent	(110)
	Last survivor of the Titantic is having to sell her relics of doomed ship to pay for her nursing care	(140)
	Forgetting it's not a dot com, government contractor Blackwater Security changes its name to Xe to improve its brand identity. Wait, what?	(110)
	Man arrested for smuggling coral through Oregon. Police charged him with possession of reefer	(24)
	Protip. When an employee of yours finds a large sum of money don't fire him and keep it for yourself	(29)
	2-4-6-8 Everybody urinate. High school cheerleaders will be subjected to drug testing just like athletes	(135)
	Taser inventor dies. I'm stunned	(66)
	News: 40 year old woman abducted from bus stop manages to escape, gives description to 911. Kidnapper is immediately caught in his car with his pants unzipped and physically aroused. Fark: Woman is blind, deaf and mute	(59)
	500 lb. manatee rescued from golf course pond. Phil Mickelson unavailable for comment	(66)
	How not to start a drag race	(83)
	Friday mug shot bonus: Young South Carolinians busted in Michael Phelps Bonggate	(160)
(Some Guy)	San Francisco welcomes back its favorite mascot: an eight-foot healthy penis. (with pictures and we can't make this crap up)	(86)
	Thieves steal $60K after learning how to trick an ATM to dispense double the money. "Officials are not disclosing exactly what the thieves did to manipulate the ATM"	(91)
	It's all fun and games until someone loses an earlobe	(31)
	Hundreds of Chicagoans to don Snuggies for massive pub crawl. Ze beer goggles, zey do nothing	(63)
	Ask your doctor if Grenadinex is right for you. Side effects are rare, and may include ringing in the ears, headache, dismemberment, and dry mouth	(34)
	White powder mailed to sheriff's office discovered to be pudding mix, included when man wrote out his parking fine check on a messy kitchen table	(57)
	"There's been a bomb threat. Everyone please evacuate the school...except you, special-ed kids"	(245)
	Deciding they have more pressing matters to attend to, the Montana legislature tables a bill to establish an official state pancake	(34)
	The Utah government falls victim to the Nigerian internet scam. "It sounds like any kid could have done this"	(122)
	Photoshop this Gaillardia aristata	(54)
	Time lapse between plane crash and "flying is still safer than driving" articles has increased a bit. Let's pick up the pace, media	(65)
	So as not to "disrupt and alarm" the precious snowflakes, Illinois teacher will not be allowed to wear her medical mask in class	(144)
	Nothing says Love like this week's Valentine's mug shot round up	(238)
(Some Ridger)	Neighbor from hell builds new house right up against another, including pushing an air conditioner out of the way to make room for a wall (w. pic)	(146)
	2004: Muzzammil Hassan founds TV station to combat negative stereotyping of Muslims. 2009: Muzzammil Hassan beheads wife	(348)
(Drew)	Lexington 10th Anniversary Fark Party: TONIGHT 6pm at Redmons - not surprisingly Drew will be there	(58)
	Man jailed after harrassing elderly neighbours by whistling Addams Family theme each time he saw them	(94)
	For those keeping score: Number of arrests in Michael Phelps case: 8. Number of arrests in peanut company salmonella case: 0	(299)
	Octuplets doctor has another patient expecting quadruplets, who is in her 40s and hospitalized without insurance. What could possibly go wrong?	(197)
	Critics don't like 'emotional support animals'. "When a customer is walking through a food store with a lizard, that doesn't give other customers the kind of assurances that they come to expect."	(127)
	County's drain regulator asks to be fired on account of there being no drains to regulate	(38)
	Protester sets himself on fire in Calgary. Next week: Toronto man buries himself in leaves	(154)
	Well in my day, we had to walk nine miles, in the snow, up hill, both ways, every day, to save kidney dialysis patients	(44)
	The editors of amNewYork would like to "apologize" for "not noticing" an "optical illusion" that made Pope Benedict XVI "look like" the devil	(129)
	What better way to celebrate Lincoln's birthday than to reopen Ford's theater. BANG	(74)
	High School where 4 teachers have recently been arrested for having sex with their students struggles with plummeting image, surging enrollment	(97)
	It turns out there really is a Baberaham Lincoln. It's not news, it's MSNBC	(172)
	When cops ask you why you ran a red light, one of the worst answers you can give them is: "Because it was red"	(81)
	Birmingham-Southern College: Where you can dine at BBQ restaurants for course credit	(65)
	High school newspaper learns an old newspaper trick: if you want to increase circulation, talk about sex	(52)
(Some Guy)	University of Chicago study shows children know more words when their parents use gestures. If that's the case, why do so many New Yorkers have such poor vocabularies?	(44)
(Some Guy)	Teen "fake raped" at school while other students and coaches point and laugh. "Fake rapists" going to real prison with real rapists	(469)
	Note to school secretaries: When you call a parent to let him know his son missed classes and leave a message on his voice mail, make sure you hang up before you call him a "farking idiot" and his son a "farking fat kid"	(164)
	Feeling sad on Valentine's day because you're mourning a spouse? What better way to cheer up than enjoying dinner and a show -- at a funeral home?	(17)
	Not News: Valentines Day is hard on people who cheat on spouses. Fark: This article tells you how to get away with it	(99)
	If you're planning on proposing to your boyfriend by leaping out of a cake in a crowded restaurant wearing nothing but your underwear, you should probably make sure he'll say yes first	(161)
	Dad getting on your case over a $.60 can of cat food? Oh yeah, that's a stabbin'	(33)
	News: Dog gets an obituary in local paper. Fark: Now he's getting a wake at a funeral home	(51)
	One man arrested and charged with arson for Australian bush fires; moved to a "secret location" to protect him from the haters. Cheney nods approvingly	(63)
	Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of swindle suspect Marc Dreier HAS been approved	(54)
	If you are a sex-ed teacher using humor to teach your class, wearing a condom on his head and a pair of red underwear over your pants with a strategically placed hole in the middle, be prepared to be a YouTube star	(42)
	Anarchists hold speed dating event in North London. Which kind of misses the whole point of being an anarchist	(86)
	If a shovel stands in a work zone and nobody is there to lean on it, does it still raise a fine?	(27)
	Russian warship holds three pirate boats. Pirates have already experienced rum and the lash, don't know what could possibly be worse	(52)
	Study finds that it's easier to tell when men are interested in sex then it is to tell when women are. First sign a man is interested in sex: he is awake	(430)
	74 year old Army doctor is on his third tour in Afghanistan	(57)
	14 alternative Valentine's Day gifts: What will you choose? The chocolate corset? Or the machete?	(37)
	13 old boy and 15 year old girl have a baby together, refuse to share toys	(225)
	Elite undercover crime fighting duo with complete freedom to aggressively pursue chronic criminals decide to start dealing drugs, and they would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling feds	(30)
	Want to know what Experian says about your FICO score? Too bad. As of Saturday, customers will no longer have access to their credit rating scores	(237)
(Some Guy)	Fark coloring contest	(67)
	News: Police arrest Mafia kingpin in Naples, Italy. Fark: He has long, blonde hair, wears dresses, and insists everyone call him "Kitty"	(66)
	Another glass ceiling falls to the forces of feminism as women emerge as the new force in human trafficking	(112)
	Wish you had a pill or potion to make someone fall in love with you? Your wait may soon be over. Here comes the science	(85)
	Man reports his stolen vehicle to police, is surprised when the police inform him that his truck stole itself, then hid across the street	(45)
	If you live in Phoenix, make sure you have your ransom money ready	(90)
	Herd about the mom convicted of using a cattle prod to discipline her 15 yr-old daughter? It's a moooving story	(90)
	The pitter-patter of a perky PETA pâté protest	(92)
(Some Guy)	"I've lived there five and a half years. I mind my own business, I don't think it's right I have to move out because I choose to smoke a cigarette"	(650)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Car crashes into store. It's tough to see over the dashboard when you are only four years old	(22)
	Officials put probation electronic tracker on guy's artificial leg. Guy leaves the prosthetic at home, uses a spare, goes out every night anyway without being caught, says they don't have a leg to stand on	(59)
	I-Mockery's annual Valentine's Day card collection. The perfect gift for that special someone you love to hate	(62)
	12-year old girl saves ex-stepmother-to-be from being sat on	(29)
	Australian man arrested in connection with deadly brushfires. If only there were some far-off continent they could dump him	(53)
	Asparagus will hit grocery stores by the end of this week, ensuring no woman will have to go without a firm stalk and a big, tasty tip on Valentine's Day	(112)
	Photoshop theme: Reversing roles	(70)
	Old and busted: Shooting yourself in foot to get out of Vietnam. New hotness: Shooting yourself in foot to get out of being an Army recruiter	(41)
	Prankster sends official-looking letter from the City of Boston demanding residents put recycling bins curbside for a Friday pickup. Get it? No? Neither does anyone else	(60)
	When science attacks	(126)
	Octomom is spending welfare money on A) food for her children B) hospital bill C) Video Games	(314)
	Continental Airlines flight 3407 from Newark crashes into home near Buffalo, NY; death toll currently at 49	(814)
	Cocaine is now cheaper than beer	(101)

Thu February 12, 2009

	Paris bicycle rental plan on the rocks because half the bikes were stolen or trashed during the making of YouTube videos	(89)
	Three respected former presidents say America's war on drugs is failing and the U.S. government should break with "prohibition" policies that have achieved little more than cram its prisons and stoke violence	(336)
	Thanks to the bad economy, Six Flags may be lowered to half staff by the end of the year	(141)
	Registered to vote in Canada? You've also been registered with political spammers, identity thieves, and at least one terrorist organization	(44)
	Pranksters hijack Taco Bell drive through radio and shout vulgarities at passing cars. Customer satisfaction reports take an immediate upturn	(98)
	Indiana police catch suspect through careful examination of a doughnut, entirely validating their years of practice	(20)
	Bishop says you should be relieved if you get fired during this recession	(89)
	Our brains don't fail to be confused by statements which are not found to contain non-negative words. You didn't submit this with a worse headline, but mine didn't not get unredlit anyway	(146)
	Four Buddhist monks turn up in remote Australian outback town, set up dental practice, then disappear	(59)
	Here's something that pre-teens and teens agree with their parents about: Marlboros	(126)
	FBI removes mortar round, live cannonball and other old ammo from home of confused Civil War collector, 71	(78)
	Port Newark agents seize 5 million Sudafed pills, but only after bringing a cardboard picture of the pills to the dock and showing their ID, then they got the actual pills	(85)
	Iron Photoshop ingredient: "I think that I shall never see / A photoshop as lovely as a tree."	(64)
(Some Guy)	What do you do when your University has the highest rate of sex crimes in the system? Claim it is a positive	(167)
	Man shoots himself through the heart with nailgun to scare his fiancee, gives love a bad name	(128)
	Good idea for your elementary school's show and tell: Pet lizard. Bad idea: hand grenade	(66)
	The word 'official' was deliberately spelled 'offcial.' The intentional misspelling is supposed to make it easier to catch people who try to counterfeit. Anyway, that's their story and they're sticking to it	(223)
	State of Iowa is in such deep financial shiat that they're charging inmates for toilet paper	(84)
(Honolulu Star-Bulletin)	Tornado hits Hawaii golf course, other golfers decide to let it play through. (pics, video)	(61)
	The City of Tacoma, WA feels that the economy and job market might have had an influence over 807 people applying for one water meter-reader job	(65)
(NBC30.com)	Man has Wii fit after son fails to pause game, holds family hostage and threatens to burn down their house	(115)
	Holder of world-record fingernails loses them in tragic car accident	(155)
	India's High Court is backlogged over 466 years. Next case? St. Francis Xavier v. Society of Jesus at Rome Re: back pay not received	(37)
	Arkansas House passes bill that allows church goers to praise the Lord and pass the ammunition	(248)
	Two police officers on same force discover they are dad and son. Awkward	(53)
	10 years on, Fark retains its snark - and makes money	(278)
	If you recently stole the Dutch City of Leeuwarden's municipal porn archive, city officials would like a word with you. In other news, cities in the Netherlands have municipal porn archives	(51)
(Some Guy)	Step 1: Ban cell phones in the courthouse. Step 2: Rent 3x5 lockers for phones at 50 cents each. Step 3: Profit	(77)
(Drew)	Fark turns 10 years old today. Come relive (somewhat) great moments in early Fark history, 1999-2000, as culled from my old emails -Drew	(549)
	Unable to actually have sex with his teacher, 17-year-old student resorts to taking upskirt photos of her. With pics of photographer and subject	(168)
(Some Guy)	In an effort to relieve the suffering of its citizens in these hard times, Alabama is set to allow sales of stronger beer	(102)
	Having eight babies is completely natural. Just look at this picture to prove how beautif-OMFG	(462)
(Columbus Dispatch)	Peanuts behind second death in Ohio - Damn you, Charlie Brown	(64)
	Bishop arrested for taking two young boys up the chimney. For once, this is not a metaphor	(36)
	Schoolboy captures eerie footage of ghost striding towards banisters, or could just be mom's shadow. Either way, The Sun is there (with vid)	(108)
	Here's what the new economic stimulus package will mean to you, other than having to hear about it in the news for the next six months	(525)
	Proposed bill would give you $500 dollars for every hour your stuck on the runway inside a plane, suddenly that 4 hour preflight wait doesn't seem so bad	(118)
	Bosworth to be named North Korean nuclear envoy. Kim Jong Il likely to counter with Bo Jackson	(45)
	The speed camera never lies... until the police chief is caught with a copy of Photoshop	(50)
(Sheffield Star)	News: Conman imitates The Rock to fool sick kid. Fark: Previously tried to con Travolta and Cruise by claiming to be Heath Ledger's father. Bonus: Also had an alias of "Logan Michael Wolverine"	(29)
	"Hey Bob, where's that giant shipment of guns that just came in for the troops?" "Oh, no worries. I have the receipt here. Some guy named Al Kida signed for them"	(70)
	Ringtones are annoying. This is CNN	(206)
	In a story to warm over the media for Valentine's Day, two jurors discover true love during the trial. Fark: The case is over a father killing his 11-week old son	(47)
(bit-tech)	According to the executive director of the Authors Guild, reading a book out loud is a violation of copyright terms. Your mother is going away for a long time, Jimmy	(156)
	Man appears free of HIV after stem cell transplant. Just to repeat this as it appears to be vaguely important: MAN APPEARS FREE OF HIV AFTER STEM CELL TRANSPLANT	(507)
	Nanny State tells shopkeeper to remove her potted plants from the sidewalk, there for seven years, because someone might trip and fall and kill themselves. If only there were some way to avoid large, visible objects on sidewalks	(26)
	Local residents upset that sculptor was paid $196,000 for sculptures with medallions depicting dogs sniffing each other, defecating, and two dogs farking. Why do you ask?	(105)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Theme: Things are where you least expect them	(89)
	NSA reportedly offering "billions" to company that enables them to eavesdrop on Skype traffic. In related news, it looks like Skype has finally found a viable revenue model	(92)
	United Airlines is doing such a great job keeping all their flyers happy that they're going to disconnect their complaint phone line	(49)
	Researchers shocked - SHOCKED - to find that Australia's former policy of kidnapping Aboriginal children so as to "integrate" them into western society had exactly the opposite effect. Resistance is futile	(59)
	Queen of England's Web site reviewed for search engine optimization, as we are sick of everyone being redirected to Freddy Mercury, the New York borough, and Mario Lopez	(25)
(Some Guy)	Bus driver arrested for selling cocaine, might have been let go if he had just stuck with speed	(20)
	Tired of Junior blowing up airplanes and screaming "Death to America"? Bring him to our mosque and sign him up for our detox program	(114)
	19-year-old man gets wasted at a party, decides to drive home, ends up paralyzed after crashing the car. So naturally he gets a $2.5 million judgment against the host of the party	(148)
	Students and professors say crosses have no place in a Jesuit university	(213)
	So, Australia's thinking that now might be a good time to have one of those national fire alert system thingies	(20)
(WSB Radio)	By now, everyone should know teenage girls in chat rooms are actually cops. Especially other cops	(65)
(ketv.com)	Yahoo search requests for "When is Valentine's Day?" increases 150% over past week. Expect search requests for "How is babby formed?" to spike in couple months	(97)
	ProTip: When running a home pot growing operation, don't install an alarm that automatically notifies police when a break-in occurrs	(25)
	Strip club boss accussed of inciting "twincest". Oh well, there goes another fantasy	(321)
	10 year old boy saves his drowning 3 year old sister by mimicking CPR moves he saw on TV, gains leverage to re-negotiate viewing allotments with mom	(74)
	GM CEO says that his company is "crouched and ready to pounce" on returning customers. Crouched and ready. Crouched and ready. Crouched and ready. Crouched and...ow, cramp	(209)
	Woman who sang about fire charged with arson, judged a little pitchy	(31)
(CPSC)	Personal and group cooking systems recalled due to tendency to cook persons and groups. Well, what did you expect?	(13)
	Apparently it is okay to tug on Superman's cape, and to spit on Nacho Libre. You can pull the mask of the old Lone Ranger. Just don't count on Spiderman entering the fray [w/ beatdown video]	(53)
	In 1968, a white firefighter saved a black baby girl, touching the heart of a divided city. The two did not meet again. Until yesterday	(83)
	Pakistan, which you may know as the country where no part of the Mumbai attacks was planned at all, arrests six for planning Mumbai attacks in Pakistan	(29)
(Times Herald)	Career-limiting move of the day: Used-car salesman starts up vehicle for customer, inadvertently runs over said customer	(41)
	Pamela Anderson currently living in trailer. The circle is now complete	(111)
	With this many teachers sleeping with their students - today's comes to us from Stockton, CA - do teenage boys even try hooking up with teenage girls anymore? (With Natasha Lyonne look-alike mugshot goodness.)	(99)
	Photoshop theme: Inappropriate product placements in movies	(133)
	Venezuelans add ballot papers to "yellow snow" and "your mom" on the list of things they shouldn't eat	(32)
	Wild otter breaks into zoo exhibit so he can frolic with the two females	(53)
	Today's 2nd-grader who took loaded gun to school comes to us from Pittsburgh, PA. Which is understandable, considering how rough some Pittsburgh schools can be	(45)
	Britons told to eat Chinese if they want to keep their crabs under control	(68)
	Fark headline gets a shout-out on the Washington Post in article regarding Ticketmaster's nefarious practices	(45)
	If the taxman gets a search warrant to go through everything in your house in search of documents you've already given him, you can file a lawsuit. In Canada you can actually win that lawsuit	(48)
	PC police at the The International Longevity Center encourage ban on words like "old" and "elderly" to describe superannuated citizens, suggest "blue-haired" and "wrinkly" instead	(44)
	Judges send hundreds of children to detention facility in exchange for payment from owners. Sort of like Bleak House meets Oliver Twist	(103)
	CNBC, always in touch with what the American people want in a recession: "Wildly Expensive Valentine's Day Gifts"	(33)
	Son of megapastor TD Jakes arrested for yankin' his crank in front of an undercover cop	(68)
	When it floods in far north Queensland, the water is only a mild annoyance. Giant crocodiles sitting in your backyard eating your pets, now THAT's a problem	(66)
	Two men arrested in connection with the Australian fires	(55)
(Some Guy)	Storm photographer finds the end of the rainbow, literally (pic)	(168)
	67 computers missing from Los Alamos nuclear weapons lab, but none of them contained classified info. Um, if they're missing, how do we know what's on them?	(99)
	What a woman's bushy eyebrows reveal about her	(176)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 197: "Religion and Spirituality II." Difficulty: No sports teams	(263)

Wed February 11, 2009

	Scientists say they've discovered why extinct mammoths had such big and long trunks	(55)
	When robbing a gas station, you might as well fill your tank up. Or not, like this guy	(27)
	Octuplets mother sets up website requesting cash and "items" for her family. This should end well	(513)
	Facing a $67 million deficit, Atlanta's transit authority spends $10,000 to lobby lawmakers about how broke they are	(72)
	Not News: tall snow banks in North Dakota. News: dog uses one to climb onto roof of house. On second thought, I take that back...that's still Not News	(61)
	Finally, after all the silly studies and pointless, wasteful research, science has discovered something completely worthwhile for society: how to make better beer	(133)
	Armed with only a garden hose, man saves pub... oh, and 400 people (pic)	(63)
	One of the great debates of our age has been settled: "Whisky" versus "Whiskey"	(198)
	Police break down door after hearing a woman scream, only to find a singer practicing. Stevie Nicks thanked the officers for their concern and gave them free tickets to the upcoming Fleetwood Mac show	(64)
	Kids say the darndest things. After crashing his dad's car, 8-year-old boy tells cops that daddy was taking "liquid medicine", points at whiskey bottle	(32)
	Angry Australians who lost homes and loved ones in wildfires blame government policies that stopped them from clearing brush. "We've lost two people in my family because you [expletives] won't cut trees down"	(215)
	Lawmaker tries to make beer pong illegal until fans of drinking games find out his email address. "We're getting inundated with so many e-mails that I don't have the time to fool with it"	(86)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these soulless staring eyes	(76)
	School calls police and goes into lockdown after a man is spotted with a "long gun." Turns out it was sticks, but the police still searched and questioned the law abiding stick collector	(85)
	Not news: Polish army launches recruitment campaign. Fark: In the UK	(80)
	The most disturbing animals on earth. Sadly Paris Hilton isn't listed	(270)
	One third of smokers would kick the habit to protect a pet. In related news, two thirds of smokers consider an animal's life less important than a sweet, sweet drag	(138)
	Massachusetts will pay for highway infrastructure with responsible budgeting. Just kidding, they want to charge a per-mile-driven tax on every driver by putting a tracking chip in vehicle inspection stickers	(270)
	With the price of rocket shells soaring from $20 to $100 each, even the Taliban will be looking for a bailout soon	(47)
	Someone actually bothered to do the math on the supposed Atlantic Ocean swim. Proof that someone's paying attention...or has too much time on their hands	(52)
	Editor of Indian newspaper jailed for "Offending the religious feelings of Muslims". Article in question basically calls Mohammad a murdering pedophile	(207)
(Some Ohio Guy)	Fourth grade teacher charged with prostitution. Bonus: she used school computer to arrange dates. Double bonus: she skipped class to hook. (w/ you surely wouldn't pay money for it pic)	(105)
	Tiger, Tiger, sleeping deep / lying there without a peep / until the vet, who's none too bright / strays too close and gets a bite	(76)
	Surprised your mixed nuts contained greater than 50% salmonella? The guy who shipped them wasn't	(153)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Montana bighorn sheep hunting license sells for $245,000. That's right, a quarter of a million dollars to shoot a dog with curly horns	(112)
	1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor. 45 tequila...well, let's just say the fun stops sometime before then	(95)
	Mrs. Nancy Grace, please pick up the white courtesy phone	(130)
(madison.com)	City to outlaw opening car doors. Measure supported by cyclists, them Duke boys	(161)
(Some Guy)	Philadelphia prints passes for Philly's Beer Week...with picture of New York skyline	(57)
	Inanimate carbon rod seen hovering over campsite. The Sun is there	(88)
	Wyoming county serves Church of Scientology stop-work order on giant mysterious underground bunker because they have no permits. Attorneys all glib	(150)
	Top 10 manliest pets. Sharks with lasers?	(184)
(WS)	Nothin' says love like taking your Valentine to a candle-lit dinner - at Waffle House	(136)
	Derbyshire constables field testing helmet cams to record evidence and take statements. You have 20 seconds to comply	(75)
	Hazmat team sent to investigate a suspicious substance in a can of Campbell's Soup. "It was salt."	(49)
(Some Guy)	Coffee, chocolate, Facebook most common British addictions. Surprisingly, "brushing teeth", "spelling words without a superfluous 'u'" did not make the list	(98)
	Nanny State advisor says precious little snowflakes should have elementary school graduation ceremonies, with special awards for ability in singing and art for the ones who can't do math or spell too good. And all shall have prizes	(233)
	The cutesiest picture of a dormouse asleep on a flower you'll see this afternoon	(142)
	After seeing one governor go to jail and another get arrested and become a national punchline, Illinois now considering banning elected officials from putting their names on public signs	(63)
(Some MAC guy)	Getting an A the hard way: Spend hours transcribing historical documents. Getting an A the easy way: Finding Abe Lincoln's fingerprint on one of them	(78)
	Indiana woman sues Netflix, Walmart for doing a damn fine job	(107)
	Inmate gets $295,000 court award cut to $29,500. His gripe: forced to sleep on a crappy, stinky mattress, just like you. A triumph of justice	(41)
(Some Guy)	Progressive students want to rename Boulder High School as Barack Obama High	(451)
	Scientists at the Romero institute prove that the richer you are, the more likely it is that you are a rude, self-centered, prick	(170)
	Some guy waits for train 8 feet above platform. The Sun is there (pics)	(62)
	Prince Harry in trouble for racists remarks. No this isn't a repeat from last week, or the week before or last month	(207)
	Hong Kong appeals court agrees to hear case of an American woman who drugged her husband's milkshake, then beat him to death because he forced her to have painful anal sex. Defendant confident everything will work out in the end	(237)
	Al Qaeda now recruiting trees for suicide missions against British troops. Allahu Oakbar	(58)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this snowy field	(67)
	The Vatican officially endorses Darwinism, forcing "Intelligent Design" advocates to find their tinfoil skullcaps to keep the scientific brainwaves out	(699)
	Heartless felons hurl flask of hydrofluoric acid into helpless family's home flat. HF	(115)
	Proof that Americans are workaholics. This headline would be funnier, but I'm late for a meeting	(169)
	Some of today's best surfing takes place on an English river - behold the mighty Severn Bore	(45)
	Facing tax evasion charges, Marion Barry pulls out the rock-solid "kidney dialysis" defense	(60)
	Clerics with the Religion of Peace™ declare a fatwa on Valentine's Day. OK, maybe we're with them on this one, but only this one time	(216)
	Woman books trip to Costa Rica with her travel agent, is sent to Puerto Rico instead. You'd think travel agents would have maps, like, such as	(118)
	Magneto, the Joker, General Zod and the rest of the rogues' gallery are now joined by a new class of supervillians: Street vendors selling CDs	(92)
	India bottling cow urine and selling it as a refreshing drink. Hey, it worked for Budweiser	(202)
	If you break into someone's house, beat the snot out of him and leave him for dead, claiming you acted in self defense isn't the smartest explanation	(30)
	The Ura Moran Center for Making Up Numbers claims it can cost more than $100,000 to set up a new life after a failed marriage. And just in time for Valentine's Day, too	(86)
	Fake drummer for Foreigner steals woman's Corvette, now suffers double vision	(77)
(gunaxin.com)	From the too much time on their hands department: A Tribute to Fallen Sodas	(191)
	If the sign says "Free Surgery", just let it go man	(35)
(Some Guy)	Jesus was going to shoot Satan, but Satan wasn't at home. Yes, it gets weirder, Yes the Sunshine State is involved	(38)
	Half-brothers, Bat'leth robberies and pie for breakfast every day: Fark's top headlines from last week	(14)
	When you get your car washed, you probably shouldn't wear a scarf near those spinning brushes	(40)
	Hopscotch voted best ever playground game, proving that not enough people have ever played the classic "let's set fire to teacher's car"	(79)
	Post office bans mail delivery to house for life because a postman became terrified of the hideous beast slobbering up the front yard. (With pics and video of hideous beast)	(392)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this thingamajimmy	(34)
(Post Star)	PRO TIP: When you call the police to search for your missing child, best not to have 68 pot plants in your basement. Bonus: Child was in closet	(37)
	Finally, a champion who can beat Tiger Woods. Bonus: He is only 10 and almost died in 2004	(21)
	W__oo__/\__oo__m__oo__\o/__oo__	(121)
	Number one health risk of being in Iraq? If you guessed weight gain you win a pizza	(58)
	Florida plans for hurricanes. California for plans for earthquakes. If you're in Texas, you plan for the collapse of the Government of Mexico	(77)
	Taking a firm stand to uphold school standards, superintendent refuses to allow 18-year old special needs kid to walk with his friends during their graduation	(123)
	Bowing to pressure from Christian groups, British lawmakers are looking to make it illegal for anyone under the age of 16 to engage in sex. Because if there's one thing teens like even more than having sex, it's obeying the law	(127)
	If you're going to pretend to be a Chicago cop you probably shouldn't attempt to boss around two off-duty real Chicago cops with your fake badge and plastic gun	(29)
	After mistakenly declaring Fmr. President Bush dead, South African TV station promises to only use "gobbledegook" in their banner tests. Will source material from Bush speeches	(49)
	News: Group of 15 teachers win 76 million dollar lottery. Fark: They all showed up to work the next day	(135)
(Some Guy)	Parents are going loco over the fact that teachers are teaching social studies in Spanish. "The kids are to the point where they don't understand it"	(249)
(If Charlie Parker was a)	Caption these armed nuns	(77)

Tue February 10, 2009

(Greg Mankiw)	Calvin and Hobbes comic strip from 15 years ago describes the bailout situation today	(392)
(DC Examiner)	Fox News producer arrested by the FBI on kiddie porn charges. You know, I've been watching Fox all day, why haven't I heard about this?	(708)
	Koala bears are "especially vulnerable to wildfires" because they are slow, and extremely cute when cornered (with pic)	(99)
	Civics-challenged man arrested after arriving at the U.S. Capitol and threatening harm to Obama	(116)
	Iran's Ahmadinejad is ready to talk with America. And by "ready to talk" he means "DEATH TO AMERICA"	(113)
(Some Guy)	You know it's a slow news day when the paper runs a story about why city Christmas decorations are still up	(22)
	Fight escalates when brother hits sister with dog poo	(41)
	When Chuck Norris wants to run for president, all he has to do is drive around in his truck and look at signs and they all change to support him out of fear	(53)
	Man accidentally saws hand off. Again	(72)
	Now Britain's top drug advisor says LSD should be downgraded as he rides off on a pegasus into a melting sunset with a purple octopus crawling out of his ear	(155)
	A hospital visitor reaching for cash in his pocket accidentally shoots himself in the leg. He's probably glad his cell phone didn't ring	(21)
	Mayor of Snellville, Ga., requests police escorts to bathroom after getting into altercation with councilman. Unknown if officers are expected to enforce "If shake it more than twice..." rule	(21)
	Defamation suit filed by three chicks who were featured in "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" dismissed as they are in fact hot chicks and they do associate with douchebags	(133)
	Mom of the year candidate faces life in prison when authorities don't agree with her views on child braising	(73)
	Florida man in danger of violating "72 strikes and you're out" law	(22)
	New cocktail honors Captain Sully: Two shots of Grey Goose, and a splash of water	(71)
(Some Guy)	Arby's manager ducks into freezer at 2 a.m. to get some tasty roast beef, instead finds drunk woman. Which might not be too bad if she wasn't still in her car	(44)
(pennlive)	Immediately following firearms training, police officer inadvertently unloads weapon the fast way	(107)
	The snowstorms which caused havoc in Britain last week are scheduled to hit Sweden over the next few days, leading to what the Swedes refer to as a "slightly chilly day"	(18)
	Checklist for 16th birthday party: Candles? Check. Cake? Check. Bail money for mom? Check	(21)
	You know how on "24" the terrorists hacked into the FAA database? Turns out it gave some people ideas	(70)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this knight to remember	(50)
(Some Guy)	If you don't want suspects to escape from custody, disabling the power windows of your patrol car is a good first step	(13)
	If at first you don't succeed to get your boyfriend's other woman deported, try, try again	(36)
(Some Guy)	So what idiotic thing did PETA do this year at the Westminster Dog Show? If you said dress up as KKK members, collect your prize	(230)
	You know the economy is doing great when illegal immigrants start leaving the US and heading to more prosperous places, like Guatemala	(175)
(Some Guy)	You've really hit rock bottom when you are caught trying to seduce a dumpster	(47)
	♪♫♪ OOOOk-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the HOLY CRAP GET IN THE SHELTER ♪♫♪	(322)
	Man gets hit in the head by a bathroom door inside a Lowe's store. Now he's flush with anger, says his body's in the crapper, and doesn't stall filing a lawsuit	(62)
	Nude Sushi bar to open in Baltimore. One word of advice, be careful when ordering the volcano roll	(131)
(Some Guy)	Anti-porn crusaders now targeting renaissance-era artwork. Surprisingly, this story does not come to you from America (with hilarious clothed versions of famous nude works of art)	(137)
(Clarion Ledger)	Step 1: Print your own W-2. Step 2: File your taxes. Step 3: Meet your new cell-mate	(57)
	One in six Swedish children are obese, which must be why the møøse find them so tasti	(52)
	Dismayed at all the waste plastic floating in the ocean, woman attempts to limit all plastic from her life, but finds it as tough as a paper-wrapped $3 steak	(112)
	What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless you die. Then they go after your heirs	(82)
	Senate passes $838 billion stimulus plan, which still needs to be approved by the House and the US's creditor, China	(850)
	Honors student on drill team facing expulsion for having replica rifles in her car. You know, the rifles she twirls as part of the drill team	(302)
	When many people go to an adult store, they prefer to be discreet. Not this guy	(99)
(Daily Local)	Elderly driver decides to pick up some things on her way to the market. Things like a Toyota, a van, and a pedestrian	(34)
	Green Day to release "21st century Breakdown" in May, which is said to be like "American Idiot," a rock opera spread across three acts: One for every chord they know	(235)
(Some Guy)	Female teacher on trial after she was caught performing oral sex on a male student in her classroom claims that it was the fault of medication she was taking. Husbands nationwide ask "What were the pills, where can I buy them?"	(105)
(Some Guy)	Passion 4 Christ presents "ex-masturbator" t-shirts. Too bad they aren't selling socks	(369)
	Swedish police discover dead man gagged with duct tape. "We cannot rule out murder, " said spokesman Lou Gunnarsson	(56)
	Teen arrested after ordering $37,000 worth of candy online and charging the bill to his former high school; cops say he will likely undergo a cavity search	(44)
	CT scan of mummy named "Meresamun" depicts elite, 3,000-year-old temple singer; archaeologists also find voice recording she used to lip sync at the Chariot Race Championship	(22)
	Chrysler CEO says they are doing just fine with your money, now please ignore the fact he has started transferring assets into his wife's name	(173)
(Some Newspaper)	Circuit city to divide $2.3 million between 154 executives. $750,000 should cover the other 34,000 workers losing their jobs	(149)
	#7 on the list of things you don't want to hear at an airport: "Your luggage has been set on fire"	(64)
	Photoshop challenge: Give a band from the 60s/70s a contemporary makeover	(70)
	Material fatigue, not UFOs (or streetlights) caused destruction of Lincolnshire wind turbine. But UFOs could have caused the material fatigue	(46)
(Some Guy)	Pentagon auditors concede there is a 'remote possibility' that they cannot account for hundreds of tons of nerve gas. EVERYBODY PANIC	(128)
	Today's crazy couple living in a small apartment with over 100 rabbits and chickens comes from Buffalo, NY	(24)
(Some Guy)	Park your Denali too close to my Hummer? That's a shootin'	(133)
	13-year old girl writes to the Russian president to ask him for a new guinea pig and, well, then it gets weird	(80)
	Marvel plans to release motion comics via iTunes. Otherwise known as cartoons	(59)
	Chinese TV station is "sorry" for accidentally burning down luxury hotel. So very sorry. Are we good now?	(67)
	Ahmadinejad says Iran "is the biggest victim of terrorism". Israel, Palestinian territories, Indonesia, England, US, Spain, Russia all unavailable for comment	(223)
	"This is a public service announcement from the Paris Metro - please go home and kill yourself"	(59)
	Iran is "ready for dialogue", but only if this drama gets a writer who wants them to do something other than hang around the back of the stage looking menacing before exiting pursued by a bear	(27)
	Man unable to kick girlfriend out of his house thanks to restraining order	(398)
(Reading Eagle)	Mechanic won't fix your car right away. Do you a) ask him again politely, b) offer him some extra cash, or c) try to behead him with a power saw?	(38)
	"I'm looking for a change of career, Bob. How can I enter the exciting world of having firecrackers thrown at my bare skin?"	(24)
	I don't understand why NYC Mayor Bloomberg is giving out free condoms for Valentine's Day that only say New Yo	(82)
	Pillow fights - serious business	(67)
	Upset over your lost love? Write her name over and over, 10 million times. Ignore the woman you actually married in the process	(82)
	Now that it's looking like the death toll from Australian wildfires may pass 200, officials are rethinking their "you only need to evacuate if you feel like it" policy	(48)
	Florida is running out of bullets. Rest of nation unsure whether this is a bad thing or a good thing	(158)
(MetroWest Daily News)	Man argues with his girlfriend over public library's opening hours, then things get all punchy	(57)
(theindychannel)	Old and busted: match.com, New hotness: Farmersonly.com... A farmers only dating site.... That'll make you squeal like a pig	(85)
	On the minus side, obesity rates in the US military have doubled since the Iraq war began. On the plus side, fat soldiers are easier to hide behind	(67)
	Just how entrenched is the bonus culture among bankers? These guys failed so badly their banks were nationalized, but plan to sue if their bonuses are denied	(332)
	False alarm. The high profile Bentley driver was a Pakistani businessman, not a celebrity, thus rendering his high speed chase and suicide devoid of importance	(45)
	If you've just killed your passenger in a drunk-driving accident, it might seem like a good idea to drag him to the driver's side and tell the cops he was driving. But not if somebody saw the whole thing	(43)
(IO)	Photoshop this lady pushing somebody's button	(61)
(abcnews.com)	Due to huge demand, toy maker Mattel unveils the Chancellor Angela Merkel Barbie. She comes with a line of frumpy clothes, and she recoils in terror when you try to massage her shoulders	(56)
	Seriously, if you've just kidnapped a couple of people, make sure you stock up on coffee. You wouldn't want to fall asleep	(34)
	Federal appeals court in San Francisco orders California to release one-third of state prison inmates to relieve overcrowding. What could possibly go wrong?	(141)
	This is what a man drinking a $2650 beer looks like. (bonus: for charity)	(30)
	"Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women" to protest attacks on women in Indian bars by throwing their knickers at people	(36)
	106 year old man dies. His secret to a long life was smoking cigars, "wild women and good liquor." Oh yeah, and surviving San Francisco's Great Earthquake of 1906	(45)
	12-year old forced to take pregnancy test at school	(183)
	Natives murder and cannibalise a farmer in Amazon. No word yet on their negative feedback rating	(57)
	Judge orders City to refund overcharged water customers... which they will pay for by overcharging water customers	(16)
(WBZ TV)	Shooting victims responds calmly and rationally by hijacking a cab, complete with passengers, to run over his assailant	(25)
	Axe wielding man tries to cut chain off of generator; employee protests. That's when things get all choppy	(29)
	If you want to reduce your risk of heart attack, stop cutting the cheese	(34)
	Evangelical pastor shows compassion amd empathy for the Aussie Bushfire victims. Just kidding, he thinks the abortion-loving baby murderers deserve what they got	(130)
(Orange County Register)	Clown Car changes story; admits she is on food stamps and gets disability for older kids	(292)
(Free-Lance Star)	Protip: If you're looking for a place to sleep off a drunk, don't break into a state trooper's apartment	(14)
	"High profile" black male in white Bentley, wanted for domestic assault, in L.A. freeway chase-turned-standoff. We know it ain't O.J. (UPDATE: not a celeb, suspect committed suicide)	(657)
	Air Force commander sends email, telling personnel to "enjoy" proselytizing video on Christian website. Double bonus: Website depicts President Obama in Nazi uniform, saying he "wants to murder babies."	(204)

Mon February 09, 2009

	Officials close school because of the overpowering stench of poultry manure. What a bunch of chicken shiats	(55)
	The world's ugliest chicken, which given his peer group, is really saying something [pic]	(58)
	New study finds people are "clueless" about geography, are so stupid that they don't even know that the angles in a triangle add up to 160 degrees. Tag is for them	(251)
	Man accused of hiding marijuana in baby diapers. Must have been some good shiat	(38)
	Memorial for Caylee Anthony set for Tuesday. And, no surprise, the Westboro Baptist Church will be there to protest	(254)
	Mexican drug violence now spilling over to border towns such as Phoenix and Atlanta	(273)
	Ember alert issued for more Australian towns	(61)
	Cops show up at a couple's cowboy-themed anniversary party because they thought the guests had real guns. "It was a little bit over the top with the helicopter."	(45)
	Woman drives car into bowling alley. Mark it zero, it's league play	(79)
	When purse snatching an old lady, best be sure she isn't an ass-kicking 61-year old sheriff's sergeant	(20)
	Hackers hack politician's Facebook profile and use it to send invitations to view webcam sex shows. That's his story and he's sticking to it	(19)
	Official Presidential Press Conference Thread	(1366)
	Woman busted for illegal butt injections	(53)
	Would-be robber wielding a baseball bat strikes out three times, fouls up and is sent home, but not for lack of balls	(13)
	A handy list of what men find romantic. Porn and beer mysteriously absent	(184)
	Deep in heart of the Everglades, slowly being reclaimed by high weeds and rattlesnakes, remains a terrifying monument to the 20th century	(155)
	Attention Berlin Farkers: If you just saw four zebras gallop by your window, you weren't hallucinating	(29)
	Scientists at Fat Tire brewery figure out how to turn beer waste into fish food which is slightly hoppy with a fruity finish	(89)
(The National)	Those afraid of newspapers becoming obsolete and "who would have heaped scorn on Hearst are now yearning for a modern-day William Randolph to ride to the rescue"	(43)
	The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants tends to have a bit more cranial contusions than the Sisterhood	(15)
	If you're shot on the street two nights in a row, it would be best if you co-operate with the police. Not this guy	(43)
	Man decides it would be a good idea to jump from hood to hood of moving cars. Yup, the alcohol was there	(15)
	Six-point buck jumps through window into house of Michigan man, who was stunned to find a 10-point buck bleeding in his living room, and reported the 14-point buck to the police	(55)
	Amazing photos of the fires in Australia. It would be nice if the "cool" tag could help out, but it's busy hiding behind "scary."	(163)
	Audio of 911 call placed by Burger King patron angry with his #7 combo meal	(80)
	Ever wish happy birthday to a cop? Ever wish happy birthday to a cop... on drugs?	(23)
	Actual headline: "Obama Isn't Who I Didn't Think He Was. But He Might Be." Bonus: Written by a former congressional speechwriter	(72)
(10news.com)	Gasoline costs an arm and a leg these days. Going right to the source, however, only costs an arm	(40)
(NewsNet5)	Another day, another teacher accused of having sexual relations with her students. With "sort of want" pic	(103)
	Photoshop theme: Cheap ripoff versions of popular products	(97)
	And now he's stuck on the other side of the globe in which we mysteriously have satellite coverage	(45)
	Bernie Madoff reaches a settlement in the civil case against his Ponzi scheme. Details were not released, although he turned down the SEC's offer of not paying anything back in exchange for a "weeklong righteous cornholing"	(286)
	If your deputies are giving the public the finger in your dept. calendar...do you reprint it or just send the cops out with Sharpies?	(75)
	Dalai Lama launches Twitter feed. Big Twitter, the Lama	(70)
(Some Guy)	Pilot of US Airways flight that landed in the Hudson River will receive keys to New York City, will presumably put them on one of those floating keychains	(102)
	Do not mention to your nine-month pregnant girlfriend that you have been cheating on her. Not near the knife drawer, anyway	(182)
	Two men arrested for robbery of a Dollar Store, say they were just pacing themselves	(21)
(NH Register)	On second thought, "The Wetter, The Better" may not be an appropriate slogan for the high school girls swim team	(239)
(Telegraph Journal)	9-year old boy is too sick to travel...so local farmers do next best thing and parade tractors, fire trucks past his house 14 hours before he died. Submitter's hayfever is acting up in February	(295)
(very bored)	Grandma caught molesting 700-pound bear (with "leave me alone, I'm playing dead" pic)	(70)
	Theater director doesn't check email for 30 days in order to 'detox'. At subby's 200-email-per-day job it would be called 'resigning'	(103)
	With nothing better to do, police finally crack down on gang of undercover gardening thugs that have been rampantly beautifying streets	(53)
	Finally, America could get a Senator we can all get behind. And in front of. And doggy style. And that thing where she's hanging from a swing	(165)
	First case of Marburg hemorrhagic fever confirmed in the United States. Previous cases of bleeding from the eyes attributed to The Rosie O'Donnell Show	(258)
	Robbery 101: Never leave keys in trunk of car that contains stolen goods and your driver's license	(12)
(Some Guy)	Author claims that sex is permeated every aspect of society to the point that it's become our "cultural wallpaper." Great, one more thing to try and match the curtains and the drapes to	(138)
	UN spokesman on recent Sri Lankan suicide bombing: "It's a blow for people who have suffered so much." Spokesman also thinks gun runners shoot themselves in the foot, sex slave traffickers are screwed	(26)
(Some Guy)	Man goes on two-day bender at Marriott, plunges down flight of stairs while drunk. It won't surprise you to find out he's now suing the hotel for "serving an addict and causing his brain damage"	(71)
	World's oldest sex-education film found, posted online. Behold 1932's 'The Mystery Of Marriage'	(113)
	Chinese fire drill in progress. 40-story hotel on fire in Beijing	(116)
	Photoshop theme: Visual representations of movie titles. Difficulty: can't use any images from the movie itself	(248)
(Some Guy)	Sobriety checkpoints: Not just for drivers anymore	(146)
	Bomb squad called after somebody reports a toilet float had a sinister look. "A ball-shaped thing with something sticking out of it"	(55)
(Some Guy)	25 year old blind Oregon woman enjoys skydiving, says she knows when to pull the ripcord because the dog's leash goes slack	(117)
	"Nerds at Heart" dating service gives singles a place to bond over sci fi, games. That sound you hear is the applause of 10,000 parents who now have use of their basements again	(281)
	Chinese police learn that it's not a good idea to confront angry guys who dance as dragons for a living	(24)
	Grenadier Guard who lost a leg in Afghanistan has become the first amputee to go on Queen's Guard duty, protecting the Tower of London	(41)
	1989: Just say no. 2009: Smoking pot will destroy your balls. Any questions?	(285)
	Unintentionally funny ad placement of the day	(70)
(Some Guy)	After a strange incident involving pushing someone's wife over a guardrail and the husband missing, police have released sketches in hopes of finding the criminals. Mr Potato Head unavailable for comment	(32)
	A couple hits it big at the Taj Mahal Casino Resort, leaving Atlantic City with $15,000 more than when they got there. And all they played were the vending machines	(30)
	Security software maker's own website is getting hacked more often than the cast of the latest Friday the 13th movie	(92)
	New York City wants to replace horse-drawn carriages with Model T Fords. No, this is not a repeat from 1927	(78)
	Australian bushfires: "There are no words to describe it other than mass murder"	(198)
	New study reveals Americans have poorer spelling than Brits, particularly sticklers such as "aluminium", "labour", "encyclopaedia", "foetus", and "learnt"	(305)
(Some Guy)	Sign of the times: After breaking into a house, do you: A) look for cash; B) go for the jewelry; or C) cook and eat a $6 steak, then leave	(53)
	Proof that Iraq must be finally safe. The Italian tourists are starting to arrive	(49)
(Some Girl)	Photoshop these cargo boys	(44)
	Cop tases bull, saves crippled senior citizen's life, bro	(33)
	Guy tries to rob convenience store, fails, makes off with two beers instead. What happens next explains why the better criminals plan on getaway cars	(19)
	Latest Clown Car collected $168,000 from State for her disability. Fark: Made worse by being pregnant	(288)
	Naked Swedish police officers to face probe, turn around	(27)
	The secret of why french fries smell so good. Here comes the ironing board	(63)
	Note to government agencies: Do not try to make your ads "viral" and "clever" by making "hilarious" YouTube videos. It will look stupid to everyone but you	(45)
	Illegal immigrants' suit says man stopping them from crossing his property hurt their feelings. Fark: This was allowed to go to trial	(284)
(nbcdfw.com)	Yea, though I Walt Disney through the Volvo of the Snapple of death, I will fear no Doritos, for Audi art with me; thy Bud and thy GoDaddy, they comfort me	(35)
	Plane crashes in the Amazon River. Airline officials and rescue workers are still in denial	(49)
	If someone leaves a large number of sex toys outside a house do you, C) rename your street "Dildo Boulevard" ?	(64)
	Teacher in trouble for telling a student that her skirt made her look like a slut and did nothing for her cellulite. Based on the picture, she's kind of right	(182)