Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2009-02-01 23:59:59'

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Sun February 01, 2009

	Tough guy competition marred by mankini wearer in freezing weather	(6)
	Nanny state introduces exercise classes for obese one-year-olds [w pic of an absolutely enormous one-year-old]	(47)
	National Guard called into Kentucky to ration food, water, inbreeding	(141)
(Press Citizen)	Iowa may become the latest state to ban cell phone use in cars so that people can more safely apply make up, eat cheeseburgers, fiddle with the radio, fantasize about their secretaries and yell at their children while driving	(85)
	Man wins his ten years fight with City Hall trying to hang a beer sign from his business. "And the bottom line is, I was right"	(28)
	When drilling into a bank vault from the building next door, try not to end up in the bathroom instead	(14)
(Montgomery Advertiser)	Man arrested while "loitering for a sex activity." If waiting for sex is a crime, we're all doomed	(31)
	You know that piece of crap car that you still owed money on when you traded it in? You still owe money on it. EVERYBODY PANIC	(103)
	Aspirin. Cures headaches, prevents heart attacks, and now it prevents liver damage from overdrinking. Why has no one tried this stuff on cancer yet?	(69)
	Photoshop this patient passenger	(31)
(WMUR)	Liquor sales up in down economy. Also, water is wet, sky is blue	(56)
	NYC mayor proposes to amend state law to allow for traffic-light cameras at "unlimited locations" in the city and to raise the fine from $50 to $100. For safety reasons only of course	(104)
(katv.com)	Arkansas wants to allow guns in churches. What could possibly go wrong?	(167)
(Miss America)	The tradition continues: Photoshop the new Miss America	(59)
	Screw that stupid football game, here's the ever-so-more-important official Super Bowl commercial discussion thread. Bonus: official pregame and official halftime festivities discussion. Officially	(782)
(NFL.com)	Will the Steelers become the first NFL team to win six titles? Will the Cardinals win their first? It's your official Super Bowl XLIII thread (NBC, kickoff approx. 6:20pm Eastern)	(5361)
(Some Guy)	City must rehire a former police officer who was fired for making calls to a psychic hotline. The city also has to pay him 10 years of back pay. When asked for a commit, the former officer kept saying, "god bless you Miss Cleo"	(43)
	"Anyone who's ever been suddenly napalmed in a chat room while happily typing about something as innocent as, say, fluffy kittens, knows what I mean." Hey, another article about Fark	(184)
	Eight great three-hour dates under $25. Eating out at submitter's mom's suspiciously absent. It's not news, it's the LA Times	(50)
	What are Americans still buying? Big Macs, Campbell's soup, Hershey's chocolate and Spam - the four food groups of the apocalypse	(129)
	Now that all the homicides are solved and all the shiat is cleaned out of the Chesapeake Bay, investigators have broken up a black market striped bass ring	(29)
(The Sentinel Online)	Despite preemptive whining, bars surprised to find sales went up after smoking ban	(291)
	If the review to your historical status seeking restaurant uses expressions like: "The rubbery lobster", "Its difficult to find the lowpoint of this night".... Its time to hang it up	(56)
(The Sentinel Online)	News: Woman sues Pittsburgh suburb, wins $75,000. Fark: to keep her pole-dancing studio open	(31)
	This is Louise. Louise enjoys having casual sex with people she meets on the internet. Louise is hot. w/pic	(391)
	Officer, I have hundreds of fake IDs and other stuff related to identity theft. Cop: Uh, just throw them outside in the dumpster, mmmkay?	(34)
(Some Guy)	Reporter critical of beer thieves, not so much for stealing the beer but for their choice of Budweiser	(52)
(Some Guy)	Bank of England tells female employees they must wear make-up, heels and skirts at work. Because we all know it was the flat-healed, pants-wearing, make-up free biatches that created this fiscal crisis to begin with	(217)
	Having solved all other crimes, Kissimmee police to issue $49.50 tickets to jaywalkers. All in the name of safety, of course. Bonus: Detective Clueless claims people in New York City don't jaywalk	(91)
	Farmer in central China sick with bird flu. OMG IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD	(71)
	Last night's pre-Super Bowl arrests include a man 'with a tattoo labeling him a porn star', a man who knocked over an occupied portable toilet, a man with drugs stashed in his buttocks, and other morans (with mugshot goodness)	(55)
	Photoshop theme: Alter egos	(67)
	Damn, that hot Jenny chick last night gave me her number, but all I got was this stupid disc jockey	(58)
	Helicopter parenting is more harmful to children than schoolyard bullies and skinned knees from climbing trees	(96)
	Good Samaritans beat up thief. Fark: it was actually a cab driver trying to collect a fare	(36)
	Any more than two kids and you're destroying the planet. We're talking to YOU, octuplet lady	(369)
	Congratulations, slow-walking sidewalk blocker - you beat self-important Bluetooth guy and express checkout cheater to win... a punch in the face	(306)
	Stolichnaya has been working with bartenders to concoct drinks with names like rejected resumé, battered bull and welfare punch	(25)
	What's Ellen DeGeneres thinking about this mother-to-be? [voting enabled, article LIT]	(83)
	Raccoon - the other dark meat	(92)
	128-year-old woman found in Uzbekistan. 28-year-old submitter reconsidering complaints about his sore back	(51)
	The newest craze in corporate team-building: Plane crashes	(30)
	Teen arrested after taking his mom's car for a drunken joyride and crashing it. Fark: Mom lets son rot in jail for weekend, asks police to charge him with grand theft auto	(93)
	You woodn't believe what an ashhole this guy is. He's knot very poplar with his neighbors	(32)
	Step 1: Baby. Step 2: Baby. Step 3: Baby. Step 4: Baby. Step 5: Baby. Step 6: Baby. Step 7: Baby. Step 8: Baby. Step 9: Baby. Step 10: Baby. Step 11: Baby. Step 12: Baby. Step 13: Baby. Step 14: Baby. Step 15: ??? Step 16: Profit	(156)
(Ottawa Sun)	"You (got killed by) Kenny. You bastard"	(16)
	Fire at Chinese nightclub. If only there was some kind of drill they could have practiced	(48)
	Today's Fark-ready headline - "Mom, churchgoer, dildo lady"	(63)
	Photoshop this crazy house	(37)
	Australians plead, "Save our Vegemite" as government prepares to ban it because of its high salt content, fact it tastes like a dead dingo's arse	(134)
	In a desperate bid to beat the recession, women everywhere are dying their hair blonde	(176)
	Obama tired of his image being used to shill schlock merchandise without him getting a cut	(9)

Sat January 31, 2009

	Man arrested for punching horse. No, this is not a Blazing Saddles sequel	(61)
	Good Day: You decide to learn skydiving. Bad Day: Your instructor dies of a heart attack. Worse Day: In mid-air while you're strapped to him	(89)
	The War on Terror™ is over	(652)
	In an early candidate for Understatement of the Year, woman who gave birth to America's newest litter said to be "obsessed with having children." Bonus: Her other 6 were in vitro, too	(247)
	Cupcakes? Yeah, they're now cool	(164)
	Why women hate it when their partners are laid off. Because men can do domestic stuff more creatively and efficiently than them, basically	(359)
	Kidnapper: Your girlfriend wants me to kidnap you so you can talk about your relationship. Guy: Not now, playing Xbox. Kidnapper: I have a gun. Guy: Whatever. Kidnapper: I'll just let myself out	(139)
	Truck spills oil. Looters gather. Darwin claims 50	(149)
	TripAdvisor.com's "Dirtiest Hotel in the USA", $120 a night, proving money can't buy class	(93)
	Italy banning "ethnic food" in what is referred to as "gastronomic racism" by the left, in an effort to preserve Italian culture. French-Canadians also considering a strict, enforced regimen of Pepsi and poutine	(172)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this stubborn old doorway	(86)
(The Province)	Think pot never hurt anyone, try asking these four officers	(220)
(Some Saluki)	Actual Headline: SIU accused of copying plagiarism policy	(68)
(Some Guy)	Cash4Gold may not be willing to pay you market value prices for your gold, but their CEO is willing to offer $3000 to the owner of a website to bury his article about it	(168)
(Some Guy)	NY museum wants to pay a woman $10/hour to sleep as a 'living sculpture'	(58)
	Mother of the year candidate mistook her 11 year-old daughter's boyfriend, a 23 year-old convicted felon, for a classmate; is SHOCKED when they go missing	(91)
	Best. News blooper. Ever	(216)
(Irish Times)	Police detain three under Misuse of Drugs Act: Drugs - you're doing it wrong	(13)
	Your Punxsutawney Phil and Groundhog Day questions answered. Bonus: Gobbler's Knob	(89)
(Some Guy)	One asshat's lawsuit closes sledding hill enjoyed for generations	(325)
(Some Japanese Guy)	"As a 31-year-old man living alone, I buy many daily necessities at convenience stores. But I cannot browse my favorite magazine any more because it is covered in a clear plastic bag"	(44)
	Family with mounting medical bills sells everything they own on eBay. Winning bidders send $20,000, refuse to take sellers stuff from them. My eye? It's just dusty here, that's all	(81)
	"Atheists are not routinely happier, healthier and wealthier than believers. According to most surveys, they don't even have more sex."	(451)
	"Super Bowly" ad spending will differ this year. In other news, MSNBC hires new editor	(21)
	Hard times driving demand for hard liquor. "A $22 bottle of vodka can go a long way. You can spend eight bucks for a six-pack of beer" at a store, "but $4 a beer at the local bar."	(153)
	Police kick everyone out of a home and move in for two days. Then they decide to get a search warrant	(63)
	This is why America is so far behind others in education: "Why are the sun and moon the same size in the sky?"	(228)
	In these trying economic times, Ric Romero focuses on the important issue of which plastic baggy keeps your snacks fresh the longest	(30)
(Some Guy)	See if you can spot what's wrong with PETA's website	(114)
	You don't by any chance have six fingers on your right hand?	(139)
	Since cigarette taxes are at a maximum, what is the next solution to solving a state budget crisis? Massachusetts says tax the fatties	(175)
(KENS-5)	Texas bill proposes hunting feral hogs from helicopters. Guns, alcohol and flyin' machines? What could go wrong?	(107)
(Some Guy)	The award-winning founder of Harvest Place, a home for adolescent girls, has been arrested for offering prostitution services through Craigslist	(45)
	Photoshop theme: And then there were none...	(79)
	It never fails - you can't have a Democratic president without an embarrassing brother	(206)
	Why does everything I Google today say "This site may harm your computer" ?	(208)
	Voting under way in Iraq amid tight security. What could possibly go wrong?	(80)
	Suffering for your art is one thing, deliberately having yourself committed to a mental institution is a whole other level of stupid	(37)
(Some Guy)	Beer. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems	(40)
	We have an early entry in the "Nutballs Who Think The World Will End In 2012 Because Of The Mayan Calendar Thing" sweepstakes	(136)
	Researchers claim excessive chatting on Facebook can lead to depression in teenage girls. Then again, what doesn't?	(40)
	That NYT story about the support group for women whose sugar daddies have been less sweet since the economy tanked? Looks like someone got punk'd	(35)
	"Bacon is like the candy of the meats that the pig offers"	(65)
	Surprisingly, just under half of all Americans say that the computer and cell phone are not necessities. Who are these people, and is there a charity we can donate to to help them?	(69)
	Millionaire invests in feline futures with cat sanctuary, expects huge returns on Caturday	(483)
	In Japan, even the sewers are paved with gold	(32)
	German asse water is probably not safe to drink, just so you know	(33)
(WWL)	Orangutan goes full-out MacGyver in a bid to escape Audubon Zoo	(48)
	Thieves steal thousands of dollars worth of scallops. How shellfish of them	(37)
	For the last three years Mike Farrell did a great job delivering the Express-Times. Unfortunately, he doesn't work for them	(32)
	Drew Peterson's newest girlfriend finds out he's been married before, moves out. Bonus: with her dad standing guard. Dumbass tag is beaten over the head and dumped in a field by Obvious tag	(188)
(Pixdaus)	Photoshop this flying fox	(64)
	Underwear measurer sentenced to 44 years. Inmates at PMITA prison will enjoy the fruit of his loom	(92)
	Eating a little dirt is good for kids. Today's overprotective parents horrified	(178)
(The Central Virginian)	Old and busted: teachers having sex with students. New Hotness: Teachers being intoxicated more than twice the legal limit during class. Bonus: She's from Bumpass, Virginia. BumpAss	(178)

Fri January 30, 2009

	Your "you know the Super Bowl got me thinkin'" story: Since 18-year-olds are adults, let them drink	(103)
	Cute belly buttons may induce subconcious mating signals. People with outies despondent, crying in corner	(200)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this shocker	(91)
	Remember this week's story about the cunning plan to assassinate the Queen with a log? Well, somebody smoked a huge bowl and imagined what would have happened if they succeeded. Dude, radical	(44)
	Really, what Jane Austen novel couldn't be improved by adding zombies?	(118)
	Vancouver Fark Party reminder: leave your igloos this Monday, Feb 2nd (Toby's Pub, 7pm). Drew may or may not be there, due to Canadian weather in KY. DIT	(68)
	Don't panic about 401k plans. Here comes the finance	(107)
	Teachers: "Our students are out of control." Ministry of Education: "Here, check out this scientology website"	(149)
	US Govt. will no longer use Blackwater for private security in Iraq	(184)
	Student loses court case for calling her teacher a Wentz in a LiveJournal post	(242)
(Some Snohomish County Guy)	Man "just going to the store" at 3 AM busted for stealing construction lift and driving away at brisk 2 mph pace. In other news, nothing good happens at 3 AM	(42)
	The weekly TSG mugshot roundup. It's all fun and games until the cops show up	(232)
(News4Jax)	News: Man gets attacked by gator and dragged into water while clearing trash from lake. Super Fark: Fights off gator, then goes back to clearing trash	(57)
(wsbtv.com)	Atlanta police so afraid of an 80 pound, 94 year old woman in a nursing home that they have to shackle her to a bed	(72)
	The City of Denver would like you to know that mandating meter maids write 79 tickets a day is not a quota, but rather they are 'performance goal$'	(79)
(Some Guy)	Florida, California, Florida, and California top nation in Alzheimer's cases	(67)
	Super Bowl hooker crackdown nets 14 more lovelies. With mug shots, of course	(264)
	Eliza Dushku: "I like bow-hunting. I eat everything I kill." PETA: "You know who else ate everyone he killed?"	(446)
	Signs your economy has gone down the toilet, part 26: The finance minister is seen checking his lottery ticket in Parliament	(26)
	Americans on Facebook: "I'm soooo bored at work today". Bolivians on Facebook: "Help us raise money to assassinate the president"	(68)
(Drew)	10th Anniversary Fark Party updates (Vancouver, Pasadena, Bay Area, Lexington, and DC) - Drew's having logistics issues involving ice	(69)
	National Science Foundation in danger of losing federal funding due to staffers putting in long hours "researching" internet porn	(102)
	Not invited to your sisters wedding? Miss Manners might suggest a polite but pointed letter expressing your dismay. On the other hand you could show up at the reception and pull out clumps of her hair by the handful	(54)
	What better way to announce your pedophilic intentions than over a loud speaker	(111)
	Snow possible in Atlanta on Groundhog day - six more weeks of no milk or bread in a 50 mile radius	(136)
	Coke decides to drop the "Classic" from its label, citing belief that young consumers find it "too stodgy." Wouldn't seem too stodgy if you'd been around to drink the Slurm residue back in 1985, you whippersnappers	(281)
	Photoshop theme: New symbols for restroom doors	(83)
	Consumer confidence rises to a four-month high in January among Americans who have not yet been laid off, says new study by the Maybe If We Say It Online It'll Come True Institute	(97)
	Vegas strip club hires investigators to prove cab drivers steer tourists to the club that pays them the highest kick-back, while telling customers the women at the other clubs are "old hogs" and "chicks with bullet wounds"	(174)
(wsbtv.com)	Bad news: your brother died. Worse news: While at his funeral, thieves broke into your car, and the cars of other mourners. The good news? See, that smoking hot sales assistant over there? I'm banging her	(111)
(Some Guy)	Fiat parked in the same spot for 2 years racks up $27,500 parking fines. Bonus: It's illegal to tow the car because it isn't blocking traffic	(75)
	In today's meeting, what to do with a $45.2 Billion profit. But first, THE WHORES	(218)
	Protip: If one of the 12 year-old girls at your daughter's slumber party gets extremely drunk, don't attempt to sober her up yourself, call 911	(101)
	Internet helps helicopter parents to give school boards and superintendents hell	(93)
	The suction cup ring on your windshield? Your cigarette lighter not plugged in? SMASH	(146)
	16 year old girl tries to stab woman with pen. Victim now black or blue but says she never felt better	(56)
	Mother of octuplets already has 6 children. Echo echooo echooooo	(320)
	Martial arts teacher jailed for hiding his dragon in a 16 year old girl's crouching tiger	(251)
	The latest stupid term invented by the fear mongering media - "testilying"	(122)
	Woman leads police on four-hour chase while only managing to crash into four cars before hitting a tree. Hey, give her a break - she's 77	(38)
	Detroit woman sues police after they barge into her house without a warrant and rough up everyone looking for drugs and guns, then return the next day with $100 cash and gift cards from Target & Wal-Mart because they felt bad about it	(163)
(Times Herald Record)	The poorest place in the country? No, not there. Or there. Or anyplace else you're thinking. It's a Hasidic town in New York that's got a 68 percent poverty rate	(277)
	After a long day at work, the last thing you want to do is to come home and find your significant other lying naked on a couch near a candle-lit altar	(127)
(Some old crate)	You know your car is officially a beater when the guy who stole it decides to bring it back and steal you neighbour's car instead	(49)
	Scientists discover epilepsy genEFDGSDFGDGSDGRLRRBR	(76)
	British hospital forced to call in exorcist to deal with haunting. To be fair, the pea green vomit is more likely to be a result of the food, but they have to try everything	(44)
	The hills are alive with the sound of the Swiss telling the Germans to please put some bloody clothes on	(38)
	Caption what this lion cub is saying to the Pope	(110)
	Man claims he was fired for having a penis. Supervisors say he was a dick	(27)
(Some Guy)	Famous art gets the Star Wars treatment (some pics artistically NSFW)	(48)
	Gunpowder rapist sentenced to 18 years of loud banging	(121)
(Some Guy)	With so many news stories of female teachers having sex with their students it's hard for any one of them to stand out. Solution: He's not just her student, he's also her godson. (With "well, yeah I guess I would" photo.)	(313)
	♫ We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. ♪	(96)
	Cairo will host an international conference on March 2 on the reconstruction of the Gaza Strip, where an estimated $2 billion of damage was caused during the recent war. Israelis don't approve, but Arabs in Dubai and Abu Dhabi do	(160)
	Passengers of U.S. Airways flight 1549 thrilled to be given free first class upgrades for a year. Just kidding, they're biatching their lungs out because they want free upgrades for life	(266)
	Note to self: Before sending an old safe to be scrapped, make sure you take the €170,000 out of it first	(11)
	Photoshop a new, pimped out Oval Office	(42)
	Fancy living in a £675,000 home? Solve sudoku puzzle to win it	(29)
	English city bans possessive apostrophes from all it's place names because theyre too hard to use correctly	(106)
	Actual headline: "How to touch boobs"	(402)
	Missouri Senator submits bill to make littering by "rednecks" and "white trash" a capital crime	(63)
	You may be neglecting your yardwork if a Ford Escort is found hidden in all your underbrush	(64)
	Cheap toasters found to outperform expensive ones. Slow news day	(49)
	Awesome flow-chart to help you create your very own Star Trek story	(49)
(Gainesville Sun)	I kissed a squirrel and I liked it...(with pic goodness)	(81)
	Boy opens gigantic birthday present to find out it's his dad, back from Iraq. When the mailman found out he had a retroactive hernia	(68)
	Woman pulls boyfriend out of truck and beats him with antenna until it hertz	(50)
	City employee, arrested twice in a day on pot charges, tells police he was okay to drive because he had "only smoked a roach"	(62)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this limo and driver	(49)

Thu January 29, 2009

	What is this nation coming to when a drunk man isn't allowed to ride his white horse home in a snowstorm?	(58)
	"Better Off Dead" paperboy grows up, gets stabby	(124)
	We can all rest easy now, the Naked Cowboy is in Tampa for the Super Bowl	(44)
	Cult of Snuggie looms over America; Video Professor unable to save us	(268)
	"Cardinal Mystified by Child Sex Probe"; apparently the directions were missing from the package	(106)
(Some Maineiac)	Toilet cover bill killed in Maine. "In one study of bacteria counts in bathrooms, toilet seats had lower bacterial counts than did the faucet handles on the sinks"	(132)
	Police identify man who faked his death 20 years ago, moved to Alabama, abandoned his family, and started a business selling NASCAR products. Not surprisingly, drugs were involved	(44)
	With no other news to report, investigative team tries to determine if Obama is flipping us off on 7-11's commemorative cup	(89)
(SeattlePI)	Drunk 1: Hey strangers, wanna hang out? Drunks 2 & 3: Sure, how about we go over to that poorly lit cemetery? Drunk 1: That sounds like a great idea	(86)
	Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey slated to be knighted tonight	(37)
	You know how people will put messages inside balloons and let them go? Well sometimes they land, confuse the hell out of the people that find them, and turn into news	(77)
	Gang uses bulldozer to steal ATM from bank, then crashes into adjacent post office, leaving the ATM there, before crashing into a Chinese restaurant and running off	(47)
	Blagowned	(619)
	Woman, 53, charged with raping male friend. Yes, there is a mug shot	(294)
	Photoshop things you never noticed in famous pictures. LGT samples	(207)
	Armed robber breaks into 2 college apartments and holds students at gunpoint. If it weren't for a quick police response he may have made off with over $10 in Natural Light and ramen noodles	(36)
(Marshfield News-Herald)	Hey watch...I can spin this .357 on my trigger finger like a real BANG	(126)
	Sherlock Holmes found dead in Dallas. No shiat	(96)
	Denver mayor declares "Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day" to somehow show support for the homeless	(80)
	Somali pirates hijack German tanker and seize crew of 13 sour krauts	(190)
(Richmond Times-Dispatch)	As police chief, you might have inside information that detectives often pose as underage girls on the Internet. Apparently, that is not always the case	(140)
	Fight erupts over two-legged puppy adoption, whether the special-needs dog can make it on his own	(68)
	911 Operator: "Please state the nature of your emergency." Caller: "Send a cop quick. Our weed just got stolen."	(115)
	Boy Scouts of America. Thrifty, Brave, Obedient, Cheerful, Greedy Ruthless Clear Cutting Loggers. Wait, what?	(282)
(Some Guy)	Who says today's teens have no work ethic?	(82)
	How to get a DUI: Ask if you can do gymnastics during your field sobriety test, tell cops you'll be "screwed" if you give a breath sample	(48)
	Old and busted: Having your credit score go down because of not paying your bills. New Hotness: Your credit score and credit lines affected by where you shop	(334)
(Some Chub)	Sorry Tom, I got my thumb in the picture. No wait. That's your face	(266)
	News: Man runs from police after crashing car. Fark News: His vanity plate reads CHASNME	(37)
	Man drives the wrong way on the interstate for 40 miles, smiles and waves at police who try to pull him over. Surprisingly, alcohol wasn't involved	(91)
	Civil engineers give U.S. infrastructure a "D" grade. EVERYBODY in a big building , on a bridge or in a tunnel PANIC	(223)
	Utah Carl's Jr. to hold "moment of silence" for toilet destroyed in the line of doody, distribute bottles of Kaboom Bowl Blaster toilet cleaner to first 50 funeral attendees. No, seriously	(96)
	Top seven things to do when you're stuck in traffic. What, no drugs?	(83)
	Vegetarian Wall St. trader sues his boss for calling him a homo because he wouldn't eat steak with the boys	(590)
	Best high school EVAR provides pole-dancing lesson during lunch break as part of health drive. Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this	(99)
(Some Guy)	Shopaholics may actually suffer from a disease. Funny, no mention of "broke" being a disease in the article	(46)
	Fearing he may have toupee for his blunders, Blago now wants to combover and clear the hair in trial's closing statements. Fail tag waits in the wings, bangs at door. Bouffant	(181)
	Teens charged with throwing deadly missiles when they hit a parked cop car with an orange	(75)
	Cyberthieves are on the attack. Hopefully they won't pair up with Cyberbullies, Cyberstalkers, and Cybermolesters to destroy us all	(62)
	Millions of adults unable to do math or speak good. Thats, like, alot	(264)
	Bullet proof vests that don't stop bullets? It's more likely than you think	(114)
	Protip: When you're too drunk to hail a cab, don't climb into the back of a police car and demand a ride home because you work for the DA	(33)
(Some bike messenger poser)	Riding your bicycle on the sidewalk? That's a beating. Bonus: Cop sprays himself in the face with mace	(221)
	Attention, pot growers: You might fool the cops, but you can't fool Google Earth	(335)
	"No one in their right mind is going to kill somebody over a TV," says woman who has never read Fark	(47)
(NBC 4)	Mayor Crackhead in trouble with the IRS for not paying his taxes. Again. This is not a repeat from 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 or 2004	(83)
	Almost half of Americans want to live somewhere else: Republicans to Orlando, Democrats to San Francisco, everyone to Denver	(262)
	British postman takes some time out of his hectic work schedule to actually make a delivery	(8)
	Joey Buttafuoco's jailbait girlfriend has turned out okay after all. She's married, has three kids, and is a stripper and porn actress	(97)
	Deputies find a wanted man hiding inside a suitcase in a motel room. Talk about your open and shut case	(15)
	Venice to sell discounted public toilet access passes online in hopes that people might quit peeing in the canals	(29)
(WPTV.com)	Surfers unfazed by shark jumping out of the water to get their attention (with video)	(69)
	Bungling burglar tries to steal drumkit, falls down stairs knocking himself out, wakes up, tries to steal plasma TV, cuts himself, accidentally sets fire to the kitchen, falls asleep on homeowner's bed, bleeding profusely. The Aristocrats	(41)
	One third of British office workers admit to watching porn at work, two thirds lie to researchers	(34)
	Commuters driving through Lamar Boulevard and West 15th Street in Austin, TX, be advised that the "Zombies Ahead" traffic alert has been cleared	(168)
	Study finds that married women sleep better than single women. Married men, not so much	(96)
(Some Guy)	Pickup truck crashes into a church. Now the church needs an organ transplant	(27)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this man and his hat	(58)
	Department of Homeland Security announces that rail and bus lines are not meeting its security standards. Passengers will now begin removing shoes, disposing of liquids and letting high school dropouts frisk them at the door	(116)
	You're doing it wrong if you call the police to confess you committed the "perfect" crime	(26)
	If you're handcuffed to your accomplice and fleeing from the police, be aware that streetlights are not your friend	(42)
(Some Jedi)	Because Star Wars geeks are known for their athleticism, Adidas is marketing trainers just for them. Wedgies sold separately	(86)
(Some Guy)	Problem: Voters approve no smoking in bars. Solution: Tobacco companies come out with melt-in-your-mouth nicotine	(317)
(Reading Evening Post)	Man really hurts his career after managing to kill himself on his second day on the job. While wearing a gas mask and rain boots. And masturbating	(131)
	Lord Lucan's desk appears at auction, expected to vanish again just as quickly	(26)
	Mayor Bloomberg declares war on Salt. Pepa seen fleeing New York	(130)
	So it's 2009 and you need a spokesman for a child abuse PSA. Of COURSE you think of "Starship Troopers" actor Casper Van Dien reprising his 1994 role. Would you like to know more?	(135)
(WCSC)	Post office evacuated when package emits "bomb-smelling odor." "At first you didn't realize it was a skunk until the guy said 'I'm expecting a skunk' and then you're like, 'That's what it was'"	(46)
	New gene therapy may cure "Bubble Boy" disease, settle argument on who invaded Spain in the 8th Century	(52)
	Irish traveller deported for bad behaviour while drunk. This could open the floodgates	(36)
	Photoshop this spaghetti inspector	(40)
	After doing inventory in the wake of the Hudson river crash, American Airlines discovers it's been flying without federally mandated life rafts on its international flights for the last three years	(67)
	For sale: NYC Penthouse with crappy view, low ceilings, small windows and huge pile of sand left behind from previous owner's vagina	(45)
	Girl hits the holy trifecta of drinking and driving, underage and pregnant	(69)
	UK ban on "extreme" porn so vague and overreaching it could affect comic books	(132)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 195: "Rocks." Difficulty: Not used in any kind of construction or (human) sculpture	(222)

Wed January 28, 2009

(Some LSD)	Have you ever been tazed....on acid?	(149)
	Atlanta's water department commissioner says if you got your water cut off it's because you didn't pay your bill and you deserve to go dry	(113)
	There's a time and a place to sell drugs. At the police station isn't either of them	(49)
	Owl lands on power pole, gets barbecued, knocks out TV stations in eastern Iowa. YA RLY	(133)
	No matter how many times you've been to London, you've never seen it like this	(85)
(Some Guy)	Mom of the Year teaches her kids to shoplift at Wal-Mart, then ditches them when they get caught	(90)
	New online reminder service keeps track of your wife's menstrual cycle for you, delivers threat warnings at appropriate times. "Code red, go play golf for a week"	(163)
	Liquor store clerk stops "shoplifter" with bulging clothes who turns out to be woman who's eight months pregnant	(94)
	Faced with budget shortfall, Washington state looks to cut Poison Center hotline that takes 250 calls per day, mostly for kids	(109)
	Man shoots co-worker at swimming pool company. Police say he went off the deep end	(32)
(Some Ohio Boy)	I'm sure there are times when it's appropriate to abbreviate "Ohio", but this headline is probably not one of them	(141)
	Theme: Truthful logos	(180)
	In 2005 a file cabinet full of secret State Department docs was sold. At an Auction. In Israel	(190)
	Hitler stickers... you know, for kids	(111)
	Repeat abortions by teenage girls up 70%. Because those "Buy 9, get 1 free abortion" punch cards don't fill themselves out	(413)
	Teen decides the best way to deal with a lit M-80 is to put it between his thighs so it doesn't damage anything important in his Grandma's house	(227)
	Dallas approves spending $160,000 to hire three anti-smoking "sanitarians"	(109)
(Drew)	Farkette turns author, releases fifth book. Not a sponsored link, a birthday present	(216)
(Some Bad Dancer)	High school dance team disbanded after performance titled "Sluts of Jonesboro" (with video)	(191)
	Britain is the sickest and fattest country in Europe. Americans yawn, then roll over to find the remote control that controls the other remote controls	(109)
	Want to save money? Polish your shoes with a banana peel. This will save you the hundreds of dollars a month you're probably spending on shoe polish	(197)
	Woman warns reality TV and the internets have created an immoral generation just itching to film themselves naked and having sex. She says that like it's a bad thing	(187)
	Top 10 fast food chains in customer satisfaction: Rightfully, the only chain that matters, In-N-Out Burger reigns supreme at #1	(692)
	Ice storm cuts power to one milli	(115)
(Some Tom, Dick or Harry)	Study: Adolescents with unpopular names are more likely to commit crimes. As if little Adolph Hitler Campbell didn't have enough to worry about	(176)
	You can apparently roll entire houses across Minnesota lakes without breaking ice (w/ pic)	(88)
	U.S. Post Office considers reducing mail delivery to only five days a week	(232)
	Couple completes personal globe-trotting "Year In Beer" tour, providing new inspiration for Farkers everywhere	(33)
	CNN asks the tough questions, like "Should your boss be your friend on Facebook?"	(185)
	Anyone who knows how to crack a safe or break into a bank vault in under 90 minutes may want to plan a quick trip to Norway soon	(42)
	Suspicious fire at Tampa strip club causes 100,000 very stinky dollars in damage	(57)
(Some Chick)	How do you keep vultures from pecking your pigs? Grape bubblegum	(52)
	Skateboard school to open in Afghanistan. Haven't those people been terrorized enough?	(62)
	Not news: Police try to track man down through his footprint. Fark: The footprint was left on someone's forehead	(31)
	Super Bowl hooker crackdown nets 19 women (aged 19 to 53). With mug shot "goodness"	(397)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this oddly shaped fire plug thingy	(46)
(Some Guy)	The House votes to not force you to watch any more of those annoying DTV commercials	(314)
	Man breaks into gas station and calls 911 on himself so he can spend time with his jailed brother. So stupid it's almost sweet	(28)
	In Oklahoma you won't get jail time if you have sex with a dog, but you better watch out if you tape someone having sex with a dog	(78)
	27-year-old man runs away with his 15-year-old girlfriend so they can live in an abandoned bus. And they say romance is dead	(95)
	93% on your Math test? Sweet, I got an 'A'.... Not so fast their, buddy	(257)
	January 28 1986 We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved good-bye and "slipped the surly bonds of earth" to "touch the face of God"	(557)
	What do you do if you meet a famous Australian politician?. A) Shake his hand, B) Greet him with a smile. C) Flash your down under?	(37)
	Teddy Bear arrested after threatening 'blood all over the parking lot' massacre - complete with sinister Teddy Bear mugshot	(92)
	Couple strolling naked through Bangkok? That's a round of applause. "Singapore is getting more and more exciting"	(92)
	Bet you can't cheat just one	(28)
	Octuplets doing well, breathing on their own, squirting ink	(71)
	The width of subway cars on NYC's IRT lines have not changed for over 100 years. Yet that somehow slipped by engineering and construction crews building a new station in lower Manhattan	(86)
	Ahmadinejad demands apology from US, threatens photoshop retaliation	(244)
	The Pope (who is German) says he "feels full solidarity" with Jews. Except for the whole "going to hell for not believing in Jesus" part	(251)
	And if the economy isn't enough to make you take a staycation, the media provides this helpful reminder of all the nasty diseases that will kill you dead if you step out of your home for just one minute	(40)
	When times are good, people drink. When times are bad, people drink. FARK: With insight from the president of The Beer Institute. The Beer Institute	(31)
	L.A. Zoo takes up Bob Barker's offer to pay $1.5 million to relocate Billy the elephant. The elephant, of course, will have to be neutered	(33)
	60-year-old man acquitted in bizarre sex trial, and is now free to write the greatest Penthouse Forum letter of all time	(74)
	NJ to survey the state's homeless today. During a snowstorm. Something tells the subby the count will be surprisingly low	(30)
	Family decides to count number of credit card applications received in mail in a year, including those to sons, ages 8 and 11. Answer: 445. I think we've discovered how to save lenders some money	(98)
	Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend, is allergic to horses, which will make for a very awkward relationship with her future stepmother-in-law	(28)
	Slender 34D babe can't get job at Times Square's Hawaiian Tropic Zone because she's too "ghetto" and doesn't "speak white"	(858)
	St. Louis is gonna be witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness	(64)
	Confused about Muslims? Give one a call at 1-800-IslamWow. Operators are standing by with free copies of the Quran for the next twenty minutes - We can't do this all day	(169)
	Man complains to pizza maker about calzone. That's a beatin'. And pistol-whipping. What do you expect at restaurant named Goomba's?	(55)
(WSBT)	Somebody's been sitting in my chair. Somebody's been eating my porridge. Somebody's been dressing in my closet, and he's STILL THERE	(23)
	Please leave your car running with the keys in it while you go inside. This has been a Public Service Announcement from the Wealth Redistribution Cooperative	(56)
	British council to build new straw houses, with a possible upgrade to stick planned for after the wolf turns up	(20)
	Madagascar suffers two days of riots and violence; closes ports	(80)
	Rock fans head to Iowa to mark 50th anniversary of the day music died	(81)
	Police interrogation transcripts show suspect cried "Zoinks" when told that the murder victim's Scooby-Doo CD case was found inside his house, followed by a hushed "Ruh Roh"	(37)
	Officer who ordered warrantless raid on British politician's offices to be punished with promotion to Commissioner of Britain's largest police force	(27)
	Cows named and treated with a "more personal touch" produce more milk, look more attractive	(25)
(Some guy)	Theme: Ruin your favorite movie with an unwelcome dose of realism (LGTE)	(126)
	Not News: Robin a store. News: thief that must be cuckoo ducks out with $1400 bird under coat. Police believe loon lacks egret for his crime. Lark: People pay $1400 for birds; boobies	(35)
	Mother gives birth to baby boy in Denver public library. No word on when it was due	(51)
	Rejected PETA Superbowl ad once again proves that when they rely on next-to-naked hotties engaging in foreplay people never remember their "message" only the . . . wait, what were we talking about again?	(319)
	Contaminated peanut butter factory found salmonella 12 times in two years of internal tests... and still kept shipping. But don't worry, industry will police itself	(293)
(Some Guy)	Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. But turkey attacks? That's a whole different ball game	(47)
	Photoshop these hip-hoppin garbagemen	(42)
	"Spoooooon!"	(105)
	Criminal masterminds steal tires and rims off parked car, put them on their own car, and then drive back to the scene to "see if the lady had called the cops." She had	(61)
(WINK)	How do you get an 8-foot alligator out of a storm drain pipe? You use its favorite lure: "It's a rotten cow lung. It's stinky, bloody and it floats"	(40)
(Some Car Guy)	Problem: I am a douchebag, but my car doesn't effectively reflect how douchy I am. Porsche: We have a button for that	(314)
(Some Guy)	Remember that Fisher Price doll that allegedly said "Islam is the light"? The same woman who found the doll has found the phrase in a Nintendo DS game	(363)

Tue January 27, 2009

	If you're wondering what the typical Afghan civilian is worth, the answer's about $2,666	(160)
	New crime report concludes that.....now stay with me on this if you can....apparently when the economy goes sour, people are more likely to commit crimes. Who knew?	(43)
	Israel's Holocaust museum reaches out to Muslims. Because if there's one thing that makes Muslims sick to their stomachs, it's Jewish people dying	(102)
	Postman rescues baby otter, takes it on tour of Scotland in search of a jugband. With sickeningly cute pics	(116)
	If you've been claiming disablility for the last 35 years due to "cello scrotum," the cat is out of the bag, so to speak	(75)
(Some Guy)	Woman accused of shooting a man 5 times in the back asks the court to disregard her MySpace screen name "ManHater" because she feels it could prejudice the jury	(63)
(Drew)	Headlines Of The Week, Drew's travel, and Jim Cantore's snowpocalypse EVERYBODY (in Kentucky) PANIC	(37)
	Seven sick after eating blowfish testicles. Hootie seen fleeing the scene	(71)
	Think your cubicle in your huge open-plan office sucks ass? Here's a guy who works in an elevator shaft. And another guy who works in a former bathroom with two urinals	(97)
(SLO Tribune)	Cigarette burns down home while owner is at a "smoking cessation meeting"	(65)
	You know times are tough when strippers get arrested for stealing clothes from other strippers. With mug shot goodness	(121)
(Fairbanks News-Miner)	Fairbanks man seeks license for Alaska's first bar-in-a-moving-schoolbus	(72)
	Theme: Water	(75)
	Good news. The border fence is almost done. In other news; So is that new ladder factory in Nogales	(306)
(Some Guy)	If you're on trial, it can only hurt your case when you smear feces on your attorney's face and then fling some more at the jury. "That juror didn't even see it coming"	(155)
(News4Jax)	Teenage daughters get so embarrassed when their moms talk to them in public, drive them to activities, get into drunken fights with their teen friends	(73)
	Chinese girl saw submitter's penis 12 years ago, still affected by it. The Sun is there	(149)
	Canadian Food Inspection Agency makes another listeria recall, although the people who buy vacuum-packed sandwiches from convenience stores are probably too drunk to read about it	(44)
	Scottish police target Internet knife gangs. Click here to get STABBED IN THE FACE	(107)
(Some Girl)	Lesbians a mystery to city MD; an easy Internet search could solve that one	(263)
	The upside of losing your job due to the recession: Some panhandlers make $400 a day	(324)
	Illinois school district decides Veterans' Day will no longer be a day off. Says the kids just don't understand the meaning of the day. Whats the matter with kids today?	(167)
	Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip were the victims of an attempted assassination in Australia 40 years ago, but survived because the conspirators picked a log over all the actual deadly things on the continent to use as a weapon	(49)
(Doug MacKenzie)	"There was so much alcohol in the home that the breathalyzers used by officers recorded a .03 just from the air"	(150)
	Rabbit at rest. John Updike dead at 76	(153)
	Theme: Fire	(65)
	Man finds out the hard way about recent changes in Canadian divorce law, ordered to pay $3,300 a month when he only makes $2,000 disability pay: "I've been given a life sentence and she's been given a cash for life ticket"	(409)
	US Mint unveils D.C. "state" quarter that features Dick Cheney sitting near a doomsday device on the back	(99)
	Douchebag decides selling "Caylee Sunshine" dolls not such a great idea after all	(98)
(Some babushka)	Very cool photos of Leningrad during WW2 superimposed on St. Petersburg today	(108)
	It is a slow news day, so what it is the proper way to nap?	(44)
	Sweden rejects personalised number plate reading "ADHD," presumably for fear that it might distract other drivers	(53)
(My Fox Atlanta)	Bad: Your house is on fire. Good: Fire dept responds. Bad: They go to the wrong house. Good: The fire chief arrives. Bad: He has no firefighting equipment. Good: Cop neighbor summons fire fighters. Bad: The toppings contain potassium benzoate	(115)
	Top 10 funniest Super Bowl commercials of all time	(162)
(Cape Cod Times)	Man wants to make withdrawal, tries to walk away with entire ATM machine from restaurant	(33)
(News Times)	"Engulfed by sauce" is a wonderful when referring to hot wings. Not so much when referring to your car	(75)
	Comic book store owner's murder conviction in his wife's death that was reversed by the circuit court due to lack of evidence goes to the Supreme Court for reconsideration. Worst. Ruling. Ever	(69)
(abc)	Woman offers to sell her body for trip to the Super Bowl. Namely, her forehead	(83)
	Alcohol-related deaths are falling. I'll drink to that	(23)
	If you take the subway in NYC, your ride is about to get a lot more interesting	(140)
	If you break up with a British prince on Facebook, he will turn you orange	(159)
(Some Dude)	Groundhog almost gets caught in economic downturn. Fortunately, he gets to keep his job. Nice marmot	(30)
	If you didn't think Comcast could find another way to screw up, we bring you the cable repairman who was so fat he broke a utility pole	(99)
	It's the 121st anniversary of the National Geographic Society -- check out one of its awesome photo galleries	(35)
	M, for the Margaritas that got you wasted / O, leaving me Outside in the cold / T, the Trucker that you had sex with / H, the Horrific mugshot the paper pasted / E, the Example that you set for when I get old, R, that was Retarded	(104)
	Winner of $14 million lottery going to tip five former Tim Hortons employees $30,000 for always getting his order right	(118)
	San Francisco approves marijuana clubs. Cheetos and pizza club applications skyrocket	(110)
	Boob jobs on the rise despite economic woes. You submitted this with a perkier, more contoured headline	(304)
	If you live in Griggstown, NJ and were concerned about the 5000 dead birds raining from the sky, the USDA would like to assure you that nothing is wrong. And that the poison used to kill them is perfectly safe	(59)
	Theme: Air	(46)
	Florida Museum of Natural History and American Elasmobranch Society creates list of most shark-infested beaches of the world. Ironically, sales of Farkitrol strong in same areas	(18)
	Man with one leg shorter than the other goes into hospital, comes out with exactly the opposite problem	(50)
	Japan hates to ask, but would everyone please stop licking the tuna? Please?	(61)
	Tracking package: 1Z4972DA48. Left: MEMPHIS, TN at 2:07 AM, Crashed: LUBBOCK, TX at 4:32 AM	(77)
	Five of the funniest complaint letters you'll ever have the pleasure of reading	(80)
	What better a way to celebrate diversity in Australia, a day of patriotism and quiet self-reflection? Yup, that's right, racism and riots	(57)
	After 17 bank robberies, the "Big Boy Bandit" made three critical mistakes. 1) Acting suspiciously before putting on his stocking. 2) Allowing bank employees take down the license of his getaway car. 3) Going home	(16)
(myrtlebeachonline)	Enraged over the confiscation of her fake ID at local club, teen runaway flags down cop to complain, then tries to flee before tripping and falling over a speed bump	(35)
	Pastor jailed for sex with wife of 10 years	(169)
(Some Giant Rat)	Three-year-old left alone at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. FARK: No one notices until they see her picture on the news	(141)
	Worst. Airline meal. Evar. With pics and entertaining letter of complaint sent to Virgin Airways	(138)
	Slide deemed dangerous for small children. Rather than remove or repair it, property developer hires security guards to watch it day and night to make sure nobody plays on it	(45)
	Theme: Earth	(65)
	SoCal woman gives birth to coed softball team	(111)
	During Super Bowl XLIII, prostitutes should expect strong defense from Tampa police, especially with interceptions. So use tight ends for some swing plays, use wide receivers for those long bombs	(44)
	Montreal police want to make illegal the worst insult they can think of: "Doughnut eater"	(77)
	Nearly 50 percent of commercial high-fructose corn syrup tested contained mercury. EVERYBODY PANIC	(297)
(Some Guy)	U.S. Navy is still pushing for dolphins and sea lions to guard a base in Washington. Just in case a jellyfish invasion ever happens	(63)
(WNEM)	93-year-old WWII vet freezes to death after power company cuts off electricity. Bill found on table with cash clipped to it	(529)
	Despite spending millions on desalination plant and 15-billion-gallon reservoir, city will pump underground water at rates that will damage area lakes, rivers, wetlands... because people still want to water their lawns	(85)
	Old school: Trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back when hiking. New hotness: Trail of pork chops	(23)
	Motorist stops to help crash victim, moves him into his car, then watches in horror as firefighters cut his car apart to remove the victim. "Sometimes a good deed isn't worth it"	(122)

Mon January 26, 2009

	President Obama's first formal TV interview as President goes to his good friends at MSNB... wait, al-Arabiya? Really?	(629)
	How to get on Fark: Drive drunk, run from police, jump in lagoon, attack police dog and have a name like Lavar Toosweet McKiernan	(47)
	Photoshop this Russian rocket in transit	(52)
	Brochure: "Hey, why not take your kids on a trip to the Forest of Dean?" Parents: "Well, that paedophile next to the train ride kind of puts us off, really"	(90)
	Poll financed by speed camera manufacturer proves public loves speed cameras, think they are the kindest, warmest, most wonderful traffic device they know	(95)
	Guy deliberately shoots himself in the head at your party. Do you: (C) go to the movies with the other witnesses to "calm down?"	(84)
(ChiTown)	Chicago bus drivers union complains their drivers can't afford the $100 fine for blowing red lights. City agrees, sticks taxpayers with the bill. Result - violations double in one year. Who-da thunk it?	(97)
	Well gee - who WOULDN'T want a Caylee Anthony doll?	(205)
(Florida Today)	Firefighter arrested after it was found she walked off with amputated foot from accident scene. Police are stumped as to why someone would do such a thing	(104)
	America takes another bold step towards becoming a police state. Supreme Court rules cops can frisk a passenger in a car stopped for a traffic violation even if nothing indicates the passenger has committed a crime or is about to do so	(363)
	Dude, if you drop your keys in the rubbish bin, let them go because, man, they're gone	(45)
	If you steal someone's cell phone, should you answer when they call? If you answer when they call, do you try to sell their phone back to them? If they agree to meet you, do you actually go? Congratulations, you're a criminal mastermind	(95)
(TVNZ)	NZ man discovers US military documents on Zune. Sadly in Iraq, there is a military laptop with Jonas Brothers and Mylie Cyrus songs	(92)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop what these explorers are looking at	(98)
	Today's priceless treasure that was thrown out comes to us courtesy of Nashville and Goodwill	(61)
	Australian Government: Sorry, you have to be related in order to sponsor someone's immigration. Sponsor: Ummm... She's my identical twin. Australian Government: What's your point?	(126)
	Parents lock themselves in bedroom to escape their 16-year-old daughter attacking them with two kitchen knives. Lesson to parents: Never...ever take away your 16-year-old daughter's cell phone privileges	(272)
	The coolest Etch-a-Sketch portraits you will see today	(121)
	"Being atheist is every bit as much spiritual work as being a Roman Catholic. I for one believe in the existence of karma; a possibly physical or perhaps energetic life force"	(1394)
(Some Guy)	Brace yourselves for a law that actually makes sense. NJ bill to require Finance 101 for HS seniors	(168)
(Some Guy)	Police response required when Golden Corral runs out of steak	(242)
	One in five men at risk of drinking problem. The other four have no trouble finding their mouth	(191)
	You lose your trust fund to Bernie Madoff. Do you, a) get a job and hope for the best, b) prepare for college and a life of work, or c) toilet paper Bernie's Palm Beach home?	(150)
	According to railway spokeswoman, parking your police cruiser "a little bit on the tracks" is like being "a little bit pregnant." Also notes: "Trains cannot stop on a dime." Who knew?	(85)
(Some Guy)	Connecticut troopers wrote 78,000 speeding tickets in 2008. That's an additional $327,000 in public safety over 2007	(175)
	Earthquake in Qapqal, China leaves thousands homeless, suffering from acute "u" shortage	(53)
	Two old men take "stay off my lawn" to new level by chasing car, blocking it and forcing kids at gunpoint to get out. Kick to chest and groin added for good measure	(101)
	Building renovator discovers Communist-era apartment untouched for over 20 years in Leipzig, can't help over-dramatizing: "When we opened the door we felt like Howard Carter when he found the grave of Tutankhamen."	(119)
	Nine-year-old Chicago girl behind the wheel runs over woman. Where's a 14-year-old cop when you need him?	(49)
	Woman survives, tropical fish don't when police cruiser smashes into her house. Actual quote "I haven't seen a car in a house in a long time"	(38)
	Prosecuting and punishing pot smokers is an expense Connecticut can no longer afford	(572)
(BrandFreak)	The Auburn student who models T-shirts on Fark and every other Web site in the universe doesn't think she's very photogenic	(404)
(Chicago Tribune)	Former Chicago cop giving a lecture to college students forgets that he is NOT a cast member on The Wire	(55)
	Farmer forgets to take a trailer to a livestock market...so he takes his new horse home in his car(pic)	(44)
	New study finds cell phones do to teens what headlights do to deer	(43)
	The first rule of marching as a drum major in the inaugural parade is do not nod or look at Obama	(153)
	Nationwide prison closures have small towns scrambling for public work employess who know lyrics to "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"	(107)
	Phoenix is now enlisting law students to help mediate all the dog barking complaints in the city. Apparently nobody's ever heard of a muzzle	(63)
	Chinese officials insist that purchases of new "emergency communication command cars" with seat warmers, nav systems and passenger DVD players are "absolutely necessary" in order for them to assist quake victims	(52)
	Pensioner trips over phone cord, falls onto sofa, flips sofa over on top of him, trapping him underneath, then survives for two-and-a-half days on bottle of whiskey he knocked over with the couch. Ta-da	(53)
(StubHub)	For sale: One Super Bowl ticket for a seat in the luxury suite at Raymond James Stadium. Priced to sell in these rough economic times at the low, low price of HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST	(207)
	The good news: James Taylor promises to replace iPod taken when lady couldn't pay her taxi driver. The bad news: The iPod is all loaded up with James Taylor songs	(97)
	We've replaced this gas station's super unleaded with diesel fuel. Let's see if anyone notices	(69)
	Man decides it would be a good idea to have sex with a raccoon, but he probably shouldn't have tried oral. Alcohol may have been involved	(145)
	If you missed the inauguration because of security problems, you can gather at the Capitol and watch the swearing-in on your laptops over the weekend. No, Obama won't be there. Bottled water is still $10 though	(49)
	1969: Rock bands wreck luxury hotels to counter boredom of touring. 2009: Rock bands open luxury hotels to counter unprofitability of touring	(49)
	Kentucky: "Hey, state of Ohio, that's OUR rock, give it back." Ohio: "You didn't want it in the first place." Army Corps of Engineers: "Not so fast, that rock belongs to us." Then things get weird	(80)
	British publisher does Nazi a problem with reprinting Third Reich newspapers for distribution in Germany. What dummkopfs	(87)
	Die of moonshine poisoning and have a funeral? Yep, that's a stabbin'. In fact, make that a double	(33)
	From the "How the fark did he manage that?" department: Man crashes his car through church roof 20 feet above the ground. The Sun is there	(52)
	Woman tries to exchange Monopoly money for real currency. And succeeds. But fool me -- you can't get fooled again	(45)
(asahi.com)	Aging Japanese farming village tries to repopulate by building two under-40 singles apartment complexes and sponsoring Friday night drinking parties	(101)
(Rochester D&C)	It's almost time for the Super Bowl, so it's time for the annual "pizzerias get ready for being busy" article	(50)
	Local residents puzzled at drunken stranger who decided to hold solo pants-off dance-off at their home	(12)
	Remember learning cursive in grade school? Good, 'cause your kids won't	(527)
	The story that has everything: A drunken King Arthur, a bunch of annoyed pagans and a set of 4,000-year-old bones	(105)
	The RAF declares war on UFOs and instructs pilots to shoot them down	(88)
	St. Louis circuit clerk's office receives official mail from inmate which includes semen, blood and urine on a regular basis. "He's mailing himself out of jail, one envelope at a time"	(31)
	Today's "man arrested after 185 animals found living in squalor" story brought to you by Van Zandt County, Texas. Bonus: Squalor also includes the man's 65-year-old uncle	(33)
	Cop shot during brazen robbery. Who steals brazens anyway?	(44)
	Don't look now kids, it's everyone's favorite knock-kneed weightlifter, Homestar Runner	(32)
	UK spends more than $2,000,000,000 hiring consultants to advise on what colour to paint school walls	(72)
	Fourteen-year-old boy arrested for impersonating a Chicago police officer. Don't worry, he didn't arrest anyone or give anyone a beating. And it only took five hours for him to be discovered	(46)
	Eleven-year-old matador kills six bulls in one day, setting new record in pissing off child protection, anti-bullfighting groups	(71)
	Gangs may be responsible for doing millions of dollars in improvement to Philadelphia	(87)
	Gave birth to notorious Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh? That's a stabbin'	(70)
(Some Geek)	Photoshop this, um... what IS this thing, anyway?	(49)
	Research suggests a third of UK adults will be grossly overweight within three years, with Britain even predicted to overtake the U.S. as the most obese nation in the world. Take that, Cleveland	(96)
	You are CalTrans and your SF Bay Bridge reconstruction is months behind schedule because of faulty Chinese bridge panel welds. Do you: C) Not renew the contract of the inspectors you hired who reported the problem?	(112)
	Mom cures baby's mysterious illness. House unavailable for comment	(92)
	Politicians' panties in a bunch after university chancellor tells off parents: "You have to take part in your child's education. Your responsibility does not stop as they walk out the door to catch the bus"	(212)