Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2009-01-18 23:59:59'

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Sun January 18, 2009

	This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. And this little piggy tore up a Dutch tourist	(19)
	News: Michigan dad told to pay for child's birth or wed mom. Fark: Couple lives together and will be raising baby together	(39)
	Normal people:the captain of Flight 1549 is a hero, and the passengers were very fortunate to have had him as their pilot. Lawyers: who can we sue?	(47)
	Jesus Christ it's a lionfish, GET IN THE CAR	(106)
	Pet tracker who finds missing cats, dogs, turtles, horses, llamas, hamsters, etc. trying to track a woman who stiffed him on a $575 bill. Better questions are how do you lose a llama and who hires a pet tracker to find a lost hamster?	(57)
	Not news: Thieves steal tires and rims from car, leave it up on blocks. News: From a police car. Fark: At the police station. Bonus: It isn't the first time	(50)
	Surgery performed on world's calmest dog to remove 15 pacifiers from its stomach. Also found: a bottlecap and a piece of a basketball. All she wanted was steak	(61)
	Halo enthusiasts get married at wedding officiated by Master Chief - in full exoskeleton body armor - with UNSC Marines serving as ring bearer, bridesmaids	(155)
	"I was not aware that my car would be towed from the Starbucks parking lot if I didn't keep a watchful eye out for a marauding tow truck driver"	(271)
	Photoshop these ducks and dirt biker	(42)
	You're arguing with your wife. Do you: a) insist you're right? b) give in to her side? c) chase her around the home with a chainsaw?	(62)
(News4Jax)	New federal law coming into effect soon will ban children from school libraries unless certain books are pulled from shelves	(158)
	Texas city outlaws parking in front of someone else's house. Hooray for freedom	(128)
	State legislator wants to put sex back into sex education, where it ought to have been before	(70)
	Generation Y horrified to discover that life doesn't owe them a cookie	(503)
	Do men's penises shrink as they get older? (pleasesayno pleasesayno pleasesayno)	(207)
	Fisherman faces ten years in jail after he admits throwing pipe bombs at dolphins. Plea for mercy drowned out in angry chorus of squeaks	(80)
	L.A. doctor pleads not guilty to injuring cyclists because "he was tired of them" on his street	(528)
	If you're a soldier deployed in hostile territory, the last thing you would expect is to lose your job. Guess you need to change your expectations, then	(147)
	Cry havoc, and let slip the pups of war	(39)
	As Not Safe For Work as it gets. (Safe for Work)	(85)
(Some Guy)	Over 200 amazing black and white images of New York City from the late 90s (the 1890s) to the 70s. King Kong not available for comment	(132)
	Just when you finally thought it was okay to relax, the bird flu is back. EVERYBODY PANIC	(37)
	In these tough times, it's good to know that my town is spending my money wisely; like the $141,000 to count the trees	(46)
	Woman who decorated her front yard with half-buried mannequins and heads along with a bright red toilet and sink has neighbors upset over her "public art". Yes, there are pictures	(109)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this determined tennis player	(84)
(FDNM)	Record-breaking heat wave comes to an end. Difficulty: Alaska in January	(29)
(TSP)	Indiana, which is considering naming a state pie, already has a state beverage: Water. Also, the state color is white and the state bird is Al Unser	(53)
	CNN's Soledad O'Brien doesn't like dog farts	(142)
	Large German Asse cracks risk toxic leak	(20)
	BBC newsreader's heavy breathing stops broadcast. With newscast video, and "I'd leave her breathless" pics	(93)
	Pilot killed trying to fly helicopter and send text messages at the same time. With pic of popped-collar pilot sending a text message. Ironic tag hovers into play	(105)
	Downtown bars, hit by recession, announce two hours of free alcoholic drinks to bring in customers. What could possibly go wrong?	(17)
(Some Underdog)	Simon bars sinister YMCA day care employees accused of feeding pickling salt to children	(56)
	Hamas fire rockets into Israel hours after the cease-fire is declared. BRILLIANT	(932)
	TV news anchor resists arrest and tries to run from police, ends up with a face made for radio after meeting Mr. Pavement (w/mugshot goodness)	(80)
	Headline: Wealthy men give women more orgasms. The important bulge in a man's pants is his wallet	(106)
(NBC Washington)	If you're going to get drunk in a sewer, make sure to keep it down so you don't alert the neighbors. Also, don't pass out	(16)
	Barber shops in Chicago are now offering the 'Obama' cut. "A guy walked in, he'd had dreads for eight, nine years, and he cut them off. He said it was time for a change."	(161)
	Exotic wild goat can't stand the weather in Calgary anymore, hangs self in front of visitors	(63)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this monster truck	(36)
(Some Guy)	How the Black Crowes request for marijuana on their rider has led to thousands of hungry people being fed. Pot, is there anything it can't do?	(98)

Sat January 17, 2009

	Fark Ready Headline:"Venezuela's Chavez says Obama has stench of Bush"	(210)
	Retailer agrees to remove gay magazine from mannequin's backpack in store display, no Butts about it	(48)
	Not news: Man doing good deeds in San Diego. News: His name is Mr. Xtreme and he wears a camouflage wrestling mask. Fark: His superhero name was inspired for his love of the XFL	(44)
	Minneapolis' experiment with red light cameras ends as city agrees to refund every illegal ticket and pay legal costs of those whose rights were violated	(146)
(Some Guy)	Israel declares unilateral ceasefire, says goals of re-occupying Gaza have been realized	(690)
(WUSA)	Washington police set up "prostitution free zones" during inauguration, to the thrill of hundreds of visiting Midwesterners who thought they'd have to pay for it	(100)
	Mortal Kombat killer sentenced to 36-years of anal kombat, will no doubt "Finish Him"	(142)
	Man charged with threatening Obama on website about UFOs and aliens. That's what happens when you use a lesser quality brand of tinfoil to protect you from the Secret Service	(124)
(Some Guy)	If you have to say "I'm not looking to ban books" then you are probably looking to ban books	(209)
	Remember that lost engine that nobody could find in one of the largest cities in the world? Turns out it is still attached to the plane, but the Hudson is so polluted nobody saw it. Though, technically, the Norfolk has more gross tonnage	(86)
	At license renewal time, Japanese teachers take special training to deal with overly aggressive "monster parents"	(60)
	It's January, It's Maine, It's WAY below zero....hey I have an idea let's get married OUTSIDE	(44)
	Group of divers breaks Guinness World Record for underwater ironing. In related news, there's a Guinness World Record for underwater ironing	(31)
	Chilean fashion designer responds to outrage at catwalk show with busty Virgin Mary models: "There is no pornography here, there's no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up. This is artistic expression"	(69)
(Some Univac)	Photoshop this ancient computer ad	(76)
(Carl Spackler)	The next casualty of the Minnesota budget problems may be gopher bounties. So the gophers got that going for 'em, which is nice	(22)
(Some Guy)	What a nice puppy, yesyouare. This your owner? Hi, give me your jewelry and I will give your puppy back. Now	(32)
	Not News: Sex offender told repeatedly by city attorneys there was no law against buying a home in their town. News: Turns out there was, jailarity ensues. Fark: Judge allows offender to keep home	(131)
(winona daily news)	Village to raise water rates by 199 percent. Because 200 percent would have been just outrageous. Bonus: they're raising rates for fire protection by 208 percent. When guys in Jersey do that, they call it organized crime	(38)
	Thief leaves behind half-eaten hot dog while husband snores on recliner nearby	(23)
(Some Guy)	Hawaii shut down government on Friday because it was "windy." Totally not because it creates a five-day weekend with MLK on Monday and the Inauguration on Tuesday	(86)
(Some Winona Guy)	Your honor, "sniff" my client "sniff" is...HEY what's with the handcuffs?	(72)
	North Korea says they have weaponized plutonium. Marvin the Martian quoted as saying, "oh dear."	(115)
	India bans elephants from traditional military parade, citing excessive emissions, lack of trunk space	(35)
	If you're 6 foot, tall, toned and recently lost a jacket, this hot chick would like a word with you (with bonus pic of said hot chick)	(250)
	It's "winter" in Florida, so you know it's time for the annual "iguanas are falling from trees" story	(55)
	If you feel like you have to sell pot brownies at school, don't sell them to the lightweights who can't handle it	(133)
	New Orleans Zulu Social Aid & Pleasure Club has a lovely bunch of coconuts for Obama. Well, just the one, really, but then the headline doesn't work	(47)
	If you decide to destroy a bunch of speed cameras, make sure they aren't actually weather stations	(23)
	January is National Drag Queen Month, so here are the men who have been daring enough to dive into the women's wardrobe room and appear on the big screen	(88)
(Salem Gazette)	Man charged with "malicious destruction of property" for lighting town bonfire after town officials cancel it	(21)
	After 65 years, inspirational deaf-blind leader retires. And he says Helen Keller was a biatch	(83)
	1st offense drunk driving is not a crime in Wisconsin if you don't cause property damage or personal injury. And the state's AG thinks it should stay that way	(241)
	Supreme Court to rule on whether students getting naked for teachers is illegal or just creepy	(60)
	What our society has come to: 15-year-old takes stand against foul language, gets death threats. That shiat is just farked up	(224)
	Madam of Eliot Spitzer's prostitution ring says she was "svengalied", fails to mention how much extra the clients were charged for it	(42)
(Some Maine-iac)	When the clerk refuses to sell you beer, trying to burn down the store won't get you any closer to that 12-pack	(18)
	A third of the nation says they aren't going to watch the Inauguration, which means that at least some people will actually be working	(208)
(News-Tribune)	MONSTER TRUCKS Friday night at Tacoma Dome, with DEBRIS (DEBRIS DEBRIS) flying at you FROM EVERY DIRECTION go to the hospital and recover by SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAAAAY BE THEEEEEERRRRE	(112)
	Photoshop Grace Jones being.. well... Grace Jones	(42)
(KGW Portland)	Adopted stray cat Blackie predicts owner's emphysema attacks, wakes him to use inhaler so he'll live to see another Caturday	(500)
	Nudist club near Washington, D.C. will give people free room for Obama's inauguration provided they get naked. "The tour ends at our indoor swimming pool, which is heated to 90 degrees, and they have to get nude at that point."	(29)
	Pirates free Danish cargo ship, explain they're minding their carbs	(19)
(Irish Independent)	"I know we are in the middle of a recession, but things must be really bad when someone uses a pony as a getaway car"	(16)
(Party Guy)	FINAL REMINDER: DC Fark Pre-Inaugural Ball, 7pm tomorrow (the 17th) at Irish Times	(108)
(Dive Bar Goodness)	LAST REMINDER: Dallas-Fort Worth party at Tanstaafl in Arlington. LGT map DIT	(51)
	Barney the parrot has already trained three dogs and the cat, and is hoping the next pet is a pirate	(24)
	After not paying his $90 speeding ticket, a 78-year old man has the last laugh by dropping dead when a bailiff drives him to an ATM to collect the fine	(31)
	It's official, President George W. Bush leaves office with the worst approval rating EVAR. Heckuva job, Georgie	(404)
	Woman horse rider kicked out of store because she smelled offal	(42)
	Places with more troops assigned to station than Afganistan? Irag. Germany. Washington DC	(65)
(Some Guy)	After robbing a pharmacy try to avoid passing out on the sidewalk from the pills you just stole	(11)
	In town for the Super Bowl and thinking about a hooker? $150 and a good set of goggles are all you need [w/looks a linebacker hit it mugshot]	(59)
	Today's hedge-fund manager disappearing after losing $350 million is... Arthur Nadel	(52)
	Forget norovirus. Lately, cruise ships seem to have a new problem - people mysteriously falling overboard	(69)
	Photoshop this salientian tipping the scales	(63)
(News and Record)	And we have the first shooting at the premier of the new Notorious movie	(211)

Fri January 16, 2009

	When target practicing, don't use your own abdomen as a target	(43)
	Dear Judge: I'm too busy to face my DUI charge, but if you let me off I'll be able to drive to the next one	(19)
	Australian SAS soldier awarded the Victoria Cross Medal for acts of the highest valour in combat whilst serving in Afghanistan. USA Hero tag salutes	(102)
(SC)	Massive worm spreading across corporate networks, assembling ginormous botnet. Even fully patched Windows machines vulnerable	(247)
(Some Guy)	Canada's Alzheimer's Society acknowledges that: "At this time, we do not yet know what causes Alzheimer's disease or how to stop its progression." Therefore, it must be space aliens	(51)
	Even though officials determined it was not a threat and only a prank, teen gets suspended for writing "hit list" above a list of student names	(35)
	Idiot says enforcing the drug paraphernalia laws will eliminate the demand for illegal drugs	(122)
	Stupid: Being a drug mule. Moronic: You somehow manage to lose your stash. Fark: You ask customs for help	(24)
	Peanut butter probe stickier than expected, experts think it needs to be jammed through. Sandwich	(9)
	Teen attempts murder-suicide by shooting his father in the head, then shooting himself in the mouth. Both survive	(75)
(Some Guy)	If you have a plush uterus, the manufacturer would like it back	(80)
	Police seek thieves who are apparently trying to build their own Tom Servo puppets	(77)
	Now women want men to have engagement rings as well. "The men's engagement ring is a clear message to everyone that a man is going to be married"	(162)
	Teacher thinks gangs and drug dealers will leave the area if the city renames the streets after flowers and birds."Get rid of the 13th Street Gang, as I'm sure they won't feel as 'hard' being named Tulip Street Gang."	(74)
	Venezuela to vote on referendum to re-elect Chavez indefinitely--whether they want to or not	(94)
	If you get this email, "A friend wants you dead, and hired me to do the deed. For a fee, I'll let you live", the FBI wants to talk to you	(95)
	TSG's mugshot roundup for the week includes Superbowl wannabes and that one chick, just forget about it man, she's gone	(221)
	AirTran flight 149 makes emergency landing at Baltimore airport due to nosegear problem, lack of nearby river	(47)
	Photoshop this man and his little ponies	(71)
(Some Guy)	ProTip: If you are going to call up and taunt police to tell them you'll never be caught make sure that the officer does not recognize your voice from a prior traffic stop	(31)
	Giant streetlight spotted hovering over the hills of Wales. Or maybe it was Dolly. Sweet, sweet Dolly. Come let me stroke your wool and fondle your thighs and say you're a baaaad girl... Oh, sorry, got distracted. Definitely a streetlight	(67)
	Qatar and Mauritania suspend contact with Israel over Gaza. If they don't stop the war, soon they'll be dissed by Seychelles and The Gambia, not to mention Kiribati	(194)
	If you're going to burn your failing business to the ground, don't tell everyone that will listen that you're going to burn your failing business to the ground	(24)
	Lost: One jet engine. Last seen over the Hudson River in NYC around W.48 St., maybe. It was definitely attached at LGA. I guess it could be in the Bronx somewhere. Anyway, if found, please notify the FAA	(106)
	From the University of Alberta: Kids who behave badly turn into adults who behave badly. Macauly Culkin and Gary Coleman reportedly feeling vindicated	(30)
	Everyone expecting a tax refund take one step forward. Whoa, not so fast there Californians	(236)
	Researchers for Pointless Things finds that if a woman says no on the first date, she has a better chance at finding a good man	(426)
	If you're going to claim welfare for a variety of chronic illnesses which leave you "too weak to lift a kettle", try not to take a job as a lifeguard at the same time	(55)
	Tropicana's 49-year-old topless show in Las Vegas to close after sighting sagging returns from a limp economy	(88)
	New York has its Pizza, Philly has Cheese steak, Cincinnati has skyline chili and Montrose, Mo has its Raccoon	(154)
	Taints found in Georgia peanut butter plant. Dogs called in to help	(65)
	Capital One issues personalized credit card with Nick Nolte mug shot on it. Q: What's in your wallet? A: A whole lot of fail	(85)
	"God was certainly looking out for us." Especially when he put that flock of geese in front of the plane	(429)
(Some Guy)	Hell hath no fury like a woman missing her #*&% beer	(37)
	If you go to Daytona beach and compete in two wet T-shirt contests, a banana sucking contest and a sexual position contest, you cannot sue when your pics end up on the internet	(169)
	Millions of Americans have no interest in sex and not all of them are women who just got married	(149)
	Woman enters her 240th trimester of pregnancy with her dead child	(130)
	90 years ago today....a lot of you would be crying yourselves to sleep alone, because no sober person would be with you	(65)
(WYFF television)	Man hurls brake fluid at suspected child molester - guess he wanted him to stop	(228)
	While there are clearly times when "life's a biatch" is an appropriate response. Talking to a woman who's just miscarried is not one of them	(126)
(Quad-Cities Online)	We've all read stories about guys who set their houses on fire with a blowtorch. Here's one about a guy who set his garage on fire with an electric heat gun	(18)
	San Francisco police mystified by port-o-potty fires. Taco Bell denies any connection	(40)
	10 phrases you can use to absolutely piss off your coworkers	(382)
	State sells personal information from drivers liscenses to marketing firms for $27 million a year. Then say sorry and offer everyone 2 apple pies	(52)
	This cannot be stressed enough people -- successful completion of a three-point turn does not end with you on top of another car	(48)
	Zimbabwe unveils Z$100 trillion note. That's $30/£20 (£25 if you're reading this after lunchtime)	(120)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this angry angler	(44)
	Circuit City blows fuse, liquidating assets, laying 35,000 employees off	(442)
	Ex-officer pleads not guilty in BART shooting...blames Sideshow Bob	(378)
	Judge sees no problem with convicted sex offender visiting amusement park. On "naked day". In related news, amusement parks have naked days	(75)
(Some Maine-iac)	Officer calls for backup when suspect jumps on his back and tries to take his gun. An 11-year-old suspect	(132)
	Christina's world is lonelier than ever as artist Andrew Wyeth has died at age 91	(149)
	Government minister posts naked picture of herself on Facebook, with caption "there's nothing more natural than a woman in the shower" (with gratuitous pic)	(193)
	Bad: Burglars steal vacuum cleaners. Fark: They are full of asbestos	(47)
	If you have child porn on your computer and are a mayor, you might want to think twice before taking it to city hall for repair	(141)
(wigantoday)	If you're planning on killing someone, it's probably not wise to tell people on Facebook before actually killing someone	(53)
	Presidential inauguration will start off cold, could get hot: "The most important change is people get confused and disoriented and begin to take their clothes off because they feel warm"	(125)
(County Times)	Residents queue in their pyjamas as cash machine doubles your money	(65)
	Appendix? Out of my vagina? It's more likely than you think	(130)
(The London Paper)	London gym offers weights which shout back at you	(34)
	As usual, it takes a foreign news source to call for an end to America's latest boneheaded legal policy: charging teens with "child pornography" crimes for photographing themselves nude	(198)
	Devoted Japanese dad arrested for impersonating his son while trying to take an exam	(35)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this bullfighter and bull encounter	(37)
	CPO [Ceiling Petty Officer] is watching you shower	(55)
	There once was a man named Starks / Who decided to steal some sharks / His plan he soon rued / When jailarity enused / Hey, it's not news - it's FARK	(75)

Thu January 15, 2009

	Not News: Man gets speeding ticket. Still Not News: Man beats speeding ticket. Fark: Beats it by noting that the signs are out of spec, and may cost county to replace all speed limit signs	(92)
	Because there is no BRASS BALLS tag ~ meet Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger III, the man who flew Flight 1549 into the Hudson River	(767)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this old farmer	(52)
	After judge refuses his offer to settle debt, Portuguese businessman gives him the finger, literally	(45)
	Driver with BAC seven times legal limit has to wait until Feb 12 for sentencing. Authorities hopeful he'll be sober by then	(62)
	Swedish betting site offers wagers on whether Obama will say words such as "banana" (1,000:1) during his inauguration speech, though if he does the odds on "fee fi fo fanna" drop to 5:1	(124)
	Drunk and half-naked is no way to run through an IHOP, young lady. With hot 19-y-o mug shot action. Pancakes	(368)
	Survey indicates everybody - even the French - think Australian workers are the rudest. Those wankers	(121)
	One guy's decorated his his riding lawn mower with a three-foot beaver, while another has an armadillo with a muskrat riding on top of his. Yes, the Lawn Rangers are ready for the Presidential Inauguration Parade	(60)
	It's January, which means it's time to dust off the ol' "don't start your car and then leave it unattended" article	(116)
	Mad Money senior writer: Is now the time to legalize drugs?	(339)
	For a change, the wild turkey spotted in Central Park was not an empty bottle left by the homeless	(45)
	Obama's old Chrysler up for sale on eBay. Current owner has dental records to prove it too	(119)
	Historic New York City diner will get hauled to Alabama, where it will likely have to take the Yankee Pot Roast off the menu	(43)
	Band of gypsies sets up camp next to freeway. Do you a) politely ask them to leave, b) have their campers and dags removed, or c) spend $750,000 on a noise barrier so they can sleep more soundly?	(169)
	New video may shed light on the mysterious "ghostrider" motorcyclist who has spent years taunting Swedish police by repeatedly buzzing towers	(88)
	"Crown Royal Bandit," accused of 28 armed robberies in Georgia and Tennessee, requests jury trial. "Jack Daniels Mugger," "Jim Beam Robber" likely to be called to testify in court	(18)
	Vatican reveals list of worst sins. Desecrating the eucharist outranks genocide. Which explains a lot, actually	(490)
	Twitter scoops news outlets again with first pic of US Airways jet in the Hudson. If only there were more plane crashes, those guys might actually make some money	(30)
	US Airways jet crashes into Hudson River. MSNBC has live coverage of rescue efforts. Bonus: Take a drink every time someone says "bird strike"	(1042)
	Stolen Gecko mysteriously reappears, presumably after scoring sweet insurance deal for his abductors	(34)
	So let me get this ironed out, someone mailed a 30lb brick of weed to an invalid address, UPS intentionally delivered it to a different city, and some random guy opened it and turned it in?	(205)
(ProJo.Com)	Columnist calls to end legal prostitution in Rhode Island. In other news, prostitution is legal in Rhode Island	(230)
	That little guy... He's got the heart of a champion... You're gonna make it, Li'l Tanker... You just keep scrapin' along	(68)
	Experts urge all men to get checked for prostate cancer, although they're calling it a "Man-O-Gram" so someone sticking their finger up your butt doesn't sound so weird	(214)
	Man shows up expecting to meet a girl, finds another man in dress instead. Then things get all stabby	(282)
	Fearless leader (who is certainly not dead and in perfect health) names favorite son Kim Jong-un as successor	(94)
	Kellogg's pulls peanut butter snacks from shelves after discovering Keebler elves fail to wash hands after each bathroom break	(57)
	Town council gives staff extra time off for boob jobs. Finally, somebody's thinking of the boobies	(50)
	Israel continues to claim it isn't killing civilians despite bombing the UN Gaza Headquarters	(705)
	Close-up pics of the Earth, from space. Number 4 is not Mars, and number 22 makes Vegas 'burbs look as soulless as they probably are	(208)
	Protip: if you're a famous martial-arts champion, don't let ESPN photograph you spray-painting an anarchist symbol on the state Capitol. You might get into trouble	(98)
	"Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall...so I can use it as a mattress." Designers create Berlin Wall mattresses	(13)
	Sega Robo-cat solves many of the problems people claim to have with cats. Specs say nothing about lipstick	(62)
	Wine snob: "Beer is only drunk by losers and sadsacks"	(262)
	Photoshop theme: create a magazine that should be on newstands	(95)
	Virginia has a $3 billion budget shortfall, so don't speed in Virginia	(173)
	If atheists can put ads on buses in Britain, Muslims can put them on buses in Broward County. Bonus: They imply that Moses and Jesus practiced Islam before it was even invented	(158)
	Mary and Jesus miraculously appear in lava lamp, proving that he is indeed the light of the world	(77)
(Columbia Missourian)	Most common stolen street signs: 'Rolling Rock Dr.', 'Corona Rd'. Thief: "Obviously there was a tiny bit of drinking involved that night"	(80)
	The Louisiana ACLU is urging school superintendents to allow children "to express their views" on inauguration day... or else	(247)
	To protest the over-photoshoppery of ad images, some guys paste giant stickers of photoshop toolbars onto subway ads	(115)
	Egypt and Hamas close to agreement on a ten day truce, which would be great news if it was Egypt who was pounding the ever-loving piss out of Gaza	(105)
	Toothbrushes to be removed from prison, prompting concerns of increased cavity searches	(52)
(Inhabitat)	Hotel made from salvaged wine casks. Drew's beer castle nearing completion	(26)
	Travel costs from New York to Montana: $1000. Buying the latest, greatest hunting gear: $800. Bagging a trophy elk, then making the news because you actually shot a llama . . . priceless	(158)
	Flashmobbing goes commercial, officially no longer fun	(47)
	Black Angus Steakhouse files for bankruptcy. Something about going broke buying letter G's to fix their constantly vandalized signs	(177)
	Governor's ex-Director of Faith Based Initiatives directed un-faithful 'prostitution initiatives' online	(42)
	If you're going to transport four pounds of pot in your trunk at night, you might want to turn your headlights on	(31)
	CT governor names Linda McMahon, CEO of WWE, to State Education Board. Her first suggestion is to change the boardroom furniture to break-away tables and metal chairs	(97)
	Residents in new housing development enjoyed their "new house smell". At least until all their electrical equipment and plumbing began failing and they started getting headaches and nosebleeds	(93)
	Local 6 raises woman from the dead	(38)
	Scooters are not the green alternative mode of transportation hippies think they are	(227)
	Today's media fear mongering article: how safe is your luggage at the airport?	(49)
	Police forced to tend bar during inspection because waitress and guests were too hammered to figure out who has to pay how much - cheers	(39)
	Newborn baby found in barn. Jesus	(39)
	"Honest, officer, I never download child porn, you've got the wrong" [beep DOWNLOAD OF FILE "NakedKidsPic425" COMPLETE]. "Oh Crap"	(139)
	Nine ways to reclaim your sex life. Step 1: Find someone to have sex with	(98)
	If you've decided to go and get takeout in the nude, make sure to get someone to take photos, because you wouldn't want to forget the moment	(24)
	U.S. Army wonders if sending soldiers to unlicensed psychologists is to blame for increase in suicides	(76)
	World's greatest prison warden gets stripper to perform in front of inmates. Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this (article pic mildly Not safe for work for some workplaces)	(52)
	"I don't care if It's one of the coldest days this year, and the city has issued a 'cold weather alert', but it's 7 am. Get your homeless ass out of the shelter"	(173)
	Lithuanian debt collector hires a witch to aid in debt collections, broomstick flight development	(26)
(The Indy Channel)	The triple dog dare claims another victim	(63)
	You may have to give your divorced dad advice on shaving his junk if he expects to get lucky these days	(265)
	Researchers at the N.S. Sherlock Institute of Obviousness find women are happy to dress like sluts to get raises and promotions at work. After all, you have to give a raise to get a raise	(140)
(Some Maine-iac)	Man gets shot in front of a pizza shop. The same one he was shot in front of last April. What do you want on your Tombstone?	(49)
	Italian cops flushed with success after wiping smile off Mafia boss who escaped through sewer	(34)
	News: Woman busted for drunk driving. Fark: On 2.5 mph mobility scooter. UltraFark: On 10-mile journey	(43)
	14,000 text messages a month? Pfft, amateur. Here's 35,000. And she did it twice. Sprint surrenders	(116)
	Manhattan loses its last virgin	(77)
	When it comes to war memorabilia, stick to things like uniforms and helmets and try to avoid keeping samples of Phosgene and Mustard Gas	(34)
	Daughter of Jets owner has hair set on fire during "raging catfight" with lesbian girlriend. Subby too distracted by phrases "raging catfight" and "lesbian girlfriend" to be more clever here	(112)
	Never get on the wrong side of a man who owns a JCB	(72)
	TV debt guru goes bankrupt. If only there was some sort of television programme that could have helped her with her money problems	(91)
	Police make burglar stuck on roof strip naked before rescuing him using local police, helicopters, police dogs, the police force response unit and the Metropolitan Fire Brigade	(12)
	Thanks to stars like Nicolas Cage and Colin Farrell, mustaches making a comeback	(101)
	Obama on October 7: ""We will kill bin Laden. We will crush al Qaeda. That has to be our biggest national security priority." Obama today: "Yeah, about that...."	(569)
(Wink News)	If you're going to shoplift try not to get run over twice by your getaway car	(19)
	Peru joins Fark Headquarters on the list of places you can't get fired for being drunk at work	(18)
	Iron Photoshop ingredient: paper clips	(59)
(Some Guy)	"Nothing goes right when I do heroin"	(20)
(Some Guy)	Mayor of St. Louis mulls changes in parking meter rates - FTW He wants the city to stop collecting during happy hour	(12)
(WWMT)	You find a misfired gun in the trash, do you: (a) Leave it alone (b) turn it into the police so the kids don't get it (c) Stand in front of it while pointing a torch at it. What could go wrong?	(68)
(Some Guy)	Chicago: Mrs. O'Leary's cow, Iowa: Mrs Giles' goat	(26)
	Proving that the United States doesn't have a monopoly on airport security stupidity, Vancouver airport deems politician's breast pump to be a security threat. Boobies	(55)
	Fire creeping toward your California home? Officials may soon drop off a hose and axe and wish you the best of luck	(63)
(Enviromental Graffiti)	Spinning ice circles forming in British rivers as the looming ice age approaches [w/pics & vid]	(118)
(Pr4ess of Atlantic City)	Atlantic City man arrested for posing as female veterinarian. Included photos probably explain why	(94)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 193: "Brown" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(204)

Wed January 14, 2009

	New book highlights history of the bra, including why it is still impossible to get the damn things off with one hand	(189)
	High school brownie thief charged, will get his just desserts	(48)
	Australian navy sub commander admits hot female sailors in bikinis would help recruitment efforts, raise periscopes	(104)
	A plan is evolving in Britain to honor Darwin with a national holiday. Some think this is a natural selection, but others will think this is an intelligently designed plan to irritate the religious	(316)
	Today's phone sex hotline mixup is brought to you by Indiana's Monroe Hospital and AT&T. We don't care, we don't have to - we're the phone company	(30)
	Not News: Feds give go-ahead to Indian tribe to build a casino. Fark: The "tribe" is a mom and her kids	(49)
	High school girl does DNA analysis of sushi...with surprising results	(234)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these party cats	(57)
	Surgery deaths drop dramatically after introduction of checklist of incredibly important tasks like "make sure correct patient is on table"	(94)
	Welcome to Colorado Springs, brought to you by Carl's Jr	(120)
	If you're going to illegally shoot and behead a trophy deer within city limits, don't leave suspicious-looking blood trails and drag marks that lead directly to your house	(42)
(Some Guy)	Today's Darwin award goes to a Florida man who wanted to know if a bullet would fire without a gun	(106)
	Now the downturn in the economy has finally hit Dubai. Worlds tallest tower building grounded	(99)
	People are gradually getting used to seeing maggots used in modern hospitals again. But when the maggots are dropping from the ceiling, patients kinda freak out	(42)
(Idaho Mountain Express)	Gray wolves in Idaho and Montana lose their federal protection, may now be whacked by hunters, trappers and folksy governors riding in helicopters if those states permit it	(88)
(BrandFreak)	The new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen. She's from Slovakia, not Bavaria, but why quibble over huge tracks of land?	(195)
	Stolen: gold plated, diamond encrusted $75,000 model tractor	(31)
(KWWL)	Promotional offer in December said that if it snows 2 inches on January 14, furniture is free. Company wakes up to 3 inches of snow, lots of happy customers	(39)
(Daily Camera)	If you forgot your small LSD stash in the freezer of a house you were kicked out of two years ago, let it go man because it's gone	(60)
	Confucius say ... deer antler and donkey kidney not necessarily good for sexual function	(91)
	Israel better back off on the Gaza assault. They've gotten Bolivia angry	(519)
	Ricardo Montalban dead at 88. Will be buried in casket of rich Corinthian leather	(476)
	New message from Osama Bin Laden. You guessed it - global holy war, with a twist. Kill an infidel, win a Nissan Micra	(153)
	Austrian theatre company stages captivating new play, "Fritzl's bed and breakfast"	(44)
	Suspicious bedwarmer forces evacuation of German police station. "There are events in the life of a policeman that bring beads of sweat to even the most experienced officer," said a spokesman	(34)
	Newest threat to Christianity: Buddha statues at the Kansas City Zoo	(475)
	Here lies Mr. Snuggles and his creepy, lonely owner	(98)
(Some Guy)	Woman impales man with meat thermometer. Well done	(101)
	By a 5-4 ruling the Supreme Court voted today to effectively gut the 4th Amendment as a meaningful limitation on police power	(755)
	China warns their food and drug quality may get even worse in declining economy. 每个人恐慌	(133)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Sheriff pushes girl out of path of gunfire during standoff with armed man, gets his ear blown off. He might be in line for a medal, but hasn't heard anything so far	(111)
	Canadian prison break only lasts an hour as RCMP track escaped convict's footprints in the snow. Convict claims he couldn't wait for the two and a half weeks a year when there is no snow on the ground in Alberta	(57)
	Manuel Noriega has served out his sentence... so what the fark do we do with him?	(180)
	Market to stop selling cigarettes to "protect the health of its customers." No word on when they'll stop selling red meat, ice cream, candy, cookies, etc	(211)
	Senior Saudi cleric says "it's an injustice not to marry off 10-year-old girls", but 9 is clearly too young	(156)
	World's biggest dumbass sends money to Nigerian scammers, then sends money to other Nigerian scammers claiming to be FBI agents who want to pursue the original scammer. Three separate times. For a grand total of $200K	(130)
(Some Guy)	There's balance in the universe. For example, if God blesses you with magnificent neck hair, he'll also ask you to stab someone	(38)
(Montana Standard)	Woman finds old lottery ticket while moving, turns it in to win $460,000 three days before it expires	(21)
(Some Guy)	If you and your fellow football coach decide to get drunk and wrestle in your boxers at 4:30am at the Gaylord Opryland Resort, be sure the window's closed	(83)
	What does Chicago smell like? To some, it's coffee. To others? Week-old discarded sauerkraut and bum pee	(129)
	Your co-worker spurns your romantic advances. Do you c) put on a ski mask, grab her by the throat, and say "shut the fark up before I kill you right here", then run off, take off the mask, and come to her rescue?	(134)
	Helpful burglar leaves behind homemade sex tape for police to ID him with	(40)
	I used to cry because I had no shoes, until I met a woman with no legs ... whose insurance company will only spring for cheapass peg-legs instead of the fancy computer controlled-legs she really wants	(415)
	40-year-old flashes gang signs at 25-year-old neighbor. Then things get all penisy	(107)
(WCPO)	Today's teacher/student sex story comes to us from Dayton, KY (with fist of an angry god mugshot goodness). Sad tag for no teachers like this during my school years	(298)
	Eight fourths of teenagers leave school unable to read, write or add properly	(194)
(Some Sim)	Photoshop this architectural model	(46)
(Some Guy)	Bank error gives couple an extra $176,000 so they take the logical step of quiting their jobs and moving to Florida	(119)
	For some reason a German coffee chain decides using Nazi slogans in it's advertisements might upset some people. To each his own	(128)
	Despite the recent string of shark attacks on Australia's beaches, experts urge EVERYBODY not to PANIC	(62)
	Airport staff arrested after failing to report hit and run accident. With a passenger Jet	(58)
	Sir Dai Llewellyn, a life magnificently-lived: He insisted, though, that he "never got up in the morning and thought, 'I'm going to screw three girls today'." But: "If it happened, it happened"	(127)
	Another piece of "real America" dies as Houston city council weighs ban on lawn parking	(174)
	Monkey on the loose in Clearwater. Local Scientologists attempting to snare it with a free personality test	(67)
	Woman attacked in Scotland for "sounding English". That's what happens when you get colonized by wankers	(139)
(Lehigh Valley Live)	New Jersey removes three-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell from his parents' home, saying he'll do well in the orphanage and perhaps grow up to be a fine paper-hanger	(511)
	40% of people can be relied upon to laugh at Fark headlines	(83)
	Nanny State pupils can now narc on their classmates anonymously by text message. What could possibly go wrong?	(51)
	Don't you just hate it when you have to go home after your three-week winter vacation abroad and find out you've won $13.5 million in the lottery? Yeah, me neither	(55)
	With the economy turning sour, more and more people are turning away from prescription meds to herbal alternatives. Sure, none of them work worth a damn, but look at all the money you can save	(212)
	So many people tried to apply for the caretaker position of a tiny Australian tropical island that the website hosting the application crashed on the barbie. Oh well, guess that means it's back to the basement and Mom's cooking	(27)
	Can Obama make Washington the capital of cool? Is the Pope Jewish? Does a bear use a porta-potty? Is People Magazine picking Elton John as "Sexiest Man Of The Year"?	(63)
	Marilyn Monroe hormone discovered. Or should it be called Norma Gene?	(118)
	Afghani girls burned at school by Taliban acid attack return to their classroom, bring 1300 female classmates with them	(248)
(Fox Mulder's Mechanic)	Photoshop this little car	(61)
(Not actually "pizza")	Pizza Hut switching to "all natural" ingredients. Also redesigning the box using recycled materials. Which will be tastier?	(216)
	Dyslexia is a creul fictoin and shuold be "consigned to the bindust of hostiry"	(104)
	Research reveals that "Bible Diet" of raw goat, unleavened bread, porridge, and farking your neighbor's wife is bad for you. Well, maybe not the neighbor's wife part, but the rest you can forget about	(43)
	BART cop who shot unarmed man arrested in Nevada	(406)
	2008's "Adventurer of the Year" dies climbing Mont Blanc. Pen is	(42)
	Bird lovers in a flap after company launches diapers for pet birds, claims making 'highly intelligent' parrots wear them is 'undignified' (with photo of diaper-wearing birdie)	(39)
(Some Guy)	Click here if you want to see who falls for Nigerian Email Scams. 100% Guaranteed	(192)
(Some Guy)	Man who never went to college leaves $3.5 million estate to University of Nebraska so it could be used to fund scholarships	(32)
	Pro-Tip: It's never a good idea to go into court drunk, call a lawyer a "f***wit" and forcibly kiss someone else. Particularly when you're the judge (w/pic of judge)	(26)
	New breeding standards mean the end of the classic British bulldog. Critics say it's like playing Dog	(67)
	Protip: If you're planning on robbing a bank, make sure it's not actually the water company	(13)
	Pilot accused of faking his death by parachuting from crashing plane and speeding away on a motorcycle after stealing millions from investors and thousands from his parents while in the process of divorce has been found and arrested. Whew	(85)
	Already taking a hint from Seattle, Florida teacher not charged after making out with student	(43)

Tue January 13, 2009

	Yes, you can get arrested for throwing jars of spaghetti sauce at your neighbor's car	(56)
	Cell phones, which once caused cancer, then didn't cause cancer, then did cause cancer, then didn't cause cancer, then did cause cancer, now found not to cause cancer	(115)
	One out of 100 Americans are being stalked. If you don't believe it, just come by your front door; I have the article	(156)
	Not only is coffee bad for your skin, research suggests it can make you see ghosts as well	(132)
	President Bush declares state of emergency in Washington DC	(226)
	St. Louis school sends "Why I hate Black History Month" flier home with kids	(503)
	Man spends 30 years and $60,000 of his own money building a streetlight	(74)
	For more than 400 years the residents of Scotland have played the ancient game of Kirkwall Ba'...then the nanny state heard about it	(78)
(Some Guy)	Men arrested after stealing 55 cases of Red Bull, soon will be going to a place where it gives you wangs	(47)
	Tackle shop owner complies with city's request he cover mural of fish...with banner of the First Amendment	(134)
	New Bill in Colorado proposes ticketing slow drivers in the left lane	(223)
	State lawmakers finally aim to put an end to that sweet, sweet alligator lovin'	(67)
(Salisburypost.com)	Two men walk into a Circuit City, pick up a $2300 television and walk out. Then place the TV on the roof of the car. Employee goes out and asks "Hey do you guys need something to tie that down?"	(143)
	"Family-friendly dinner on 'shoestring' budget of $35." Either submitter or writer of TFA is out of touch with reality	(382)
	Sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise, but officials say it is just that there is more testing. Oh, and probably more sex, too	(73)
	Washington state court rules teachers can have sex with 18-year-old students. Still no cure for Florida	(69)
(ILoveAbitaBeer)	Abita Brewery explodes into a Purple Haze. Restoration needed ASAP. Jockamo and TurboDog seen running from premises	(94)
	English teacher arrested for allowing an exclamation point to split her infinitives	(121)
	Man accused of giving son steroids to motivate him. This guy must have huge balls to try and get away with this; his son, probably not	(30)
	In case you haven't thought about it, here's an article explaining how disgusting your favorite delicious cheese is. Have a nice day	(190)
	Today's "YouTube as evidence in criminal trial" brought to you by an assault rifle, a dead couch, and a couple of asshats	(88)
(Courier Post)	Bad Idea: DUI. Worse Idea: Driving again the same night and getting another DUI. Fark: Because you were driving to the police station with a baseball bat	(44)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Japanese garden	(49)
	Resolution of Cold War mystery may invalidate Guinness World Record for surviving highest fall without a parachute	(68)
	Solar storm could cause global blackout, causing water and energy grids to shut down, airplanes to lose direction, hospitals to lose power. So, like "The Day The Earth Stood Still" but not quite as bad	(192)
(Albany Times Union)	Parks department truck crashes through ice while attempting to clear snow off pond. Again	(52)
	Midwest temperatures plummet to 37 below on news that Al Gore is full of shait	(441)
	Iranians welcome the new Obama Adminstration with goodwill and hope for a better era of American-Islamic relations. Just kidding, they're setting giant pictures of Barack Obama on fire	(313)
	A Canadian man's story of a brutal random beating after he stopped to help a motorist in distress so shocked the nation that people could scarcely believe it was true. Turns out they were right and he made the whole thing up	(63)
	You're the Mayor of cash strapped Gary, Indiana. You need a car. So, naturally you have the city buy you a $30,000 Hummer. Bonus: You got a $5000 discount	(88)
	Researchers find that open office plans lower productivity and raise stress and employee turnover. Huh, who knew people didn't like everyone constantly staring over their shoulder and listening to their every word?	(161)
	Asshat gets cat banned from post office. 'This is a federal building and he doesn't pay federal taxes so he can't come in'	(253)
(Some Guy)	It's now January, you might want to take down that Christmas tree	(52)
	Not news: Family suing contractors over daughter's death. News: Blaming faulty construction. Fark: Girl died in a tornado	(76)
(Some Guy)	Father and son cut in line at Wal Mart. Then things get stupid real fast	(462)
	Showing support for the police? That will be a $100 fine	(89)
	If you're settling down for a night of gaming, make sure to turn your volume down lest your neighbours decide to call in the SWAT team	(160)
	The world's worst firemen burn down their own station. Bonus: Totally irrelevant but thoroughly enjoyable pic	(89)
	Dallas joins everybody else on Earth, realizes that "just say no" "just doesn't work"	(91)
	Cheese truck overturns, spilling cheese-related puns all over the morning news	(131)
(Some Woodsman)	Photoshop this man and his big wooden slab	(47)
	"Yeah, I skipped school seven times last month. Talk to my lawyer"	(109)
	Ahhh...the California dream...overpriced housing...overpriced cost of living...relocation to saner section of the country	(404)
(Some Guy)	University of Colorado says its professor of "conservative thought" doesn't necessarily have to be a conservative: "We have French teachers who aren't from France."	(305)
	Polanski's rape victim to LA district attorney: "STFU and drop it already"	(236)
	Norwegians must be terribly bored - the Chicago Transit Authority's webpage has tracked over 15,000 hits from Norwegians this year	(71)
	Wildlife officers rescue 2,300 endangered 5-foot-long lizards from threat of cooking pots. Who knew they monitor that sort of thing	(29)
	My mama said not to put beans in your ears, Vicks in your nose	(83)
	New study shows that even in economic downtowns, people still spend on beauty. And judging from a glance around the office, some are not spending nearly enough	(35)
	Family grieving loss of two brothers crushed while photographing collapsing glacier receive memorial gift: Massive bill for the rental car they never returned and the keys they took to their icy grave	(214)
	Germany suffers spate of accidents as skaters fall through thin ice on top of lakes. If only there were a convenient metaphor to describe the risk they were taking	(63)
	Jimmy Carter's bike stolen. In other news a rabbit riding a bicycle has been terrorizing old ladies in Atlanta	(87)
	I know, if I get the school janitor to buy all the copies of the local paper no one will know our head teacher is a peadophile. Genius	(39)
	Bad bedside manner or thinking outside "the box?" A Kansas City woman was told to get her MRI at the zoo because she was just too big for the regular machine	(491)
	Urban explorer pulled out of manhole smelling like sewer	(63)
	Man facing execution by stoning manages to escape while crowd argues over who said Jehovah first	(118)
	"We don't want a windfall", says windfall-seeking plane crash victim	(104)
	Exhilarated and confused by the 2-night, 4-hour return of "24", Iran has delusions about a CIA-backed coup attempt	(166)
	Barefoot sleepwalker gets frostbite, creeps out neighbors	(24)
	Drew Peterson's girlfriend moves in with him, wonders why she has been turned down for life insurance	(181)
	The story of the unknown asshat who conned a 14-year-old kid out of a game-used hockey stick from the Winter Classic has a happy ending; unknown asshat still an asshat, however	(53)
	After arguing with your boyfriend, do you A) leave for a breath of fresh air, B) apologize, or C) try to set him on fire with an air freshner and nail polish remover?	(35)
	"Is your refrigerator running? Oh, hey, we are the teens that mugged you yesterday, sucker. Wait, why are the police here? What is caller ID?"	(61)
(Columbia Tribune)	Women's restrooms vandalized, torn apart & flooded, rendering them virtually identical to the men's room	(130)
(Bryan-College Station Eagle)	Stunning photos of helicopter imitating the Texas A&M football program	(114)
	Canada following U.S. lead and making everyone else responsible for your actions	(85)
	Oktoberfest should be added to UNESCO's cultural heritage list, says German festival association. At last, culture Farkers can appreciate	(30)
	Pope declares "holy war" against people who claim false visions of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, issues new guidelines to help exorcists tell between "divine" and "demonic" apparitions. The hell you say	(211)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this muscular mademoiselle	(49)
	So quoteth the Florida man to the constabulary, "I usually ain't that dumb ... you ain't writing that down, are you?"	(19)
	One fifth of German households pay their domestic help under the table, presumably because it's the only way to make sure they've cleaned it properly	(25)
	London cops refuse to frisk transsexual prisoners because it makes them feel disgusted. And a little excited. But mostly disgusted	(55)
	Heal or No Heal	(67)
	Try not to fall asleep while you're smoking a cigarette. This is particularly important if you work in an art museum	(15)
(NW Arkansas Times)	Retired man doesn't sell homebuilt ham radio on eBay. Gets email from interested party in Calif, builds up rapport, offers man chance to come learn how to build radios, man accepts. Straight to awesome: it's Joe Walsh of the Eagles	(194)
	US Marshalls apparently feel the best use of their resources is motorcades to major sporting events and moonlighting as statisticians for Fox Sports	(28)
	Jail is a scary place. Scarier if this is your jailer...OMG MY EYES	(120)
	Official study concludes that cows make lousy earthquake detectors. Next up; can rabbits sense hurricanes?	(29)
(Grand Forks Herald)	"The problem is, the men who look good in a mustache are vastly outnumbered by those using it for comedic effect "	(176)
	Man in leather mask slaps woman in face with dildo, then it gets weird	(50)
	United Nations begins construction on $300 million building already scheduled for demolition	(50)
	Pootie-poot passes gas to Europe	(34)
	Survey shows Texas ranks last in graduation rates, first in home-turkey-fryer deaths. Coincidence?	(109)
(Brisbane Times)	Good: you and your partner go out sightseeing. Great: you have sex on an observation wheel 120m above the city. Bizarre: there's a photo of your "workout" in the Saturday paper(Not safe for work?)	(119)
	Schoolboy gets £2,000 compensation pay-out after he injures himself trying on a pair of trainers	(44)

Mon January 12, 2009

	Names-woman child-her Zealand-New	(70)
	Researchers at Cambridge claim if a man's ring finger is longer than his index finger he is more successful financially. Everybody look at their hands and panic	(176)
	DEA denies professor's marijuana-for-research request. In a related story, they also denied his beer-for-research request. This doesn't make that stripper doctoral dissertation's chances look very good, either	(112)
	New unisex perfume lets you smell like Brooklyn. Who knew rotten food and shiat could be so sexy?	(46)
	Inspired by Boston's massively successful Big Dig, Seattle looks to go with deep bore tunnel to replace aging elevated waterfront viaduct	(146)
	Segway creator wonders why people aren't spending $6,000 on something their legs can do for free. Will next dream up $8,000 gloves that help grab things	(238)
(Some Guy)	If you break into someone's house and steal their camera phone, don't upload pictures of your self to the owner's web account	(53)
	Basement moose is watching you masturbate	(76)
	Man sells his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat. Fark: Arrested after asking police to help him repossess his little girl because the buyer didn't pay all that he owed	(280)
	Missing pilot in Florida plane crash parachuted in attempt to fake death. Fark: He told police he'd been in a canoe accident. Fail: He gave them his real driver's license	(60)
	Cops fall all over each other trying to arrest 14-year-old kid who was taking "aggressive stance" at shopping mall, Taser him "as a last resort"	(252)
	Chicago teens help stranded motorist pull car from snowdrift then choose Fark's option 'C' - punch her in the face and steal the car keys	(71)
	Study reveals epidurals much safer than previously reported. Pay no mind to fact that research was conducted by groups that make lavish income giving epidurals	(83)
	Smuggling drugs into a prison just got easier	(67)
	You know it's going to be a bad day when you run into the back of a snowplow. You know it's going to be a bad week when the snowplow driver doesn't realize you've hit him and proceeds to drag you a half mile down the road	(19)
	School lockdowns are becoming commonplace. Do you, A. Try to prevent the violence, B. Post more security at schools, or C. Create "bathrooms-in-a-box" so the children don't have to crap their pants	(88)
(The Dude)	Today's "teen goes all Walter Sobchak on mom's car with a sledgehammer" story brought to you by Vernon, CT	(94)
(KBTX News 3)	Army helicopter crashes on Texas A&M campus, one confirmed dead so far	(190)
	Ugly-ass rare tree kangaroo gives birth to twin ugly-ass babies	(26)
	Hot new, disturbing trend for parents: chicken pox parties. Come for the food, stay for the pox	(378)
	Awesome defined: 13-year-old who raises $6000 to buy a service dog for his little brother. Asshat defined: guy that takes the $6000 for a fake service dog that bites	(204)
	Photoshop this gubinator	(85)
	If you plan on robbing a restaurant, you probably shouldn't choose one where they have lots of sharp knives just behind the dining room counter	(98)
(24dash)	Couple argue over naming new kitten...and then things get all stabby	(132)
	Joining the "Twinkie Defense", "Television Intoxication", "Wrestling Made Me Do it", now add "Halo 3" to the list of rejected defenses for criminal behavior	(131)
	Hamburger: $1.35. Diet Coke: $1.50. Unsolicited McDonald's hug: $100,000	(99)
(Drew)	Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-04 to Sat 2009-01-10	(54)
	Another sign of the bad economy: Fewer couples are getting divorced	(155)
	"I was a 48-year-old virgin until I won Lotto." The Sun is there	(134)
(VentureBeat)	And the categories for this round of Jeopardy are: The Rapists, Anal Bum Cover, Swords, Ape Tit, and Fark.com Headlines (w/video of Fark Jeopardy appearance) (bumped from Friday for those who missed it)	(186)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this girl on a Rhönrad	(45)
	Outgoing county attorney warns college students that undercover cops and other narcs will be spying on their every move, and "I do hope you will find this memorandum threatening." What a douchebag	(87)
	Reason #352 why the rich are better than you - Madoff gets house arrest instead of jail	(235)
	Your honor, my client isn't guilty of a road rage attack, ramming the victim's car twice, and punching one witness and running down another, because he's autistic	(63)
(Some Guy)	Couple denied permission to adopt kids because the potential father is a fattie	(151)
	This year's flu shot doesn't protect against this year's flu strain. Again	(166)
	Street parking rates in Chicago are getting so expensive that meters will soon be accepting credit cards, car titles, gold doubloons and first born children as payment	(83)
	Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there's your problem	(99)
	One in 200 kids is a vegetarian. In other news, one in 200 kids eats vegetables	(270)
	"Mensing's journey into the murky world of telepathy began in 2001 when her dog, Wheatie, was almost trampled to death by a deer in her backyard"	(59)
	Atlanta's latest cost cutting measure? Turning off the lights on the interstates, of course	(122)
	Supreme Court to consider the incredibly tricky question whether the CLEAN WATER ACT was intended to stop companies from dumping mine waste into nearby lakes	(110)
(Some Guy)	Radical foward-thinking South Dakota family, possibly sent back from the future, abandons landline to use new-fangled cell phone thingies. Will they be burned as witches? Details at 10	(134)
	"Geologist says the odds of a cataclysmic eruption at Yellowstone...are astonishingly remote - about the same as a large meteorite hitting the Earth." Crap, now we're all going to die in a super volcano AND meteorite hit	(194)
(Some Guy)	Even dead guys are getting mugged on Dublin buses these days	(31)
	Flying somewhere today? You've just been jinxed	(106)
	National Safety Council wants all cell phone use in cars banned. Next on the hit list: crying kids, yakking passengers, eating while driving	(295)
	Hospital changes parking fees and charges woman $500 for parking. Oh, the woman was there to donate a kidney to her daughter	(58)
	Math error to cost Maryland $31 million, or the GDP of Jordan	(65)
	Off the highway, through two 20-foot redwood trees, through a fence, over some lawn furniture, nothing but pool	(74)
(Burlington County Times)	Piano teacher gets probation for inappropriately touching 13-year-old's pianist	(83)
	City department of finance sends 23-cent tax bill to property owner. And if he can't manage the sum all at once, he can pay in two installments	(34)
	Virgin bride looking for husband. Must be at least 100 years old, she doesn't want to be a cradle-snatcher	(69)
(WRIC)	Pastor stabbed in robbery attempt. Doctors say he's fine and holier than ever	(27)
(Some Guy)	Early 2009 Darwin award nominee: Australian fisherman who spear-gunned his own groin	(62)
	Woman arrested for having dead baby in carry-on luggage. Everyone knows that carrion needs to be checked in	(93)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these boys playing with some serious toys	(57)
	Anti-Christ loses in divorce court	(73)
	It's easier to steal $1 from a million people than $1 million from one person	(66)
	Today on MSNBC... BABY-EATING DEATH CABINETS	(47)
	US dicephalus twins, Abigail and Brittany Hensel, are now 18 years old, looking to marry some lucky man. The Sun is there	(645)
(Charlotte Observer)	New study shows that for every 1% drop in government revenue, the number of traffic tickets issued per capita increases by 30% the following year	(46)
	When they came for the baggy pants, I did not speak out; I did not wear baggy pants. When they came for the speedos, I breathed a sigh of relief	(29)
	Newly-minted war reporter Joe the Plumber: "I think the media should be banned from reporting on wars."	(348)
	Wanted: Caretaker. Duties: Manage blog, take pics, spend day sailing, kayaking, snorkeling, diving on tropical island. Salary: Over $100,000. Serious applicants only	(37)
(Some Guy)	Everyone can relax now, the Hulk is in custody	(28)
	Man's father's ashes are stolen. From his truck. Which was unlocked. And broken into three times in three months	(19)
	What to do when you run low on beer and cigs, but are too drunk to drive? Call Beer Runners for home delivery of kegs and Marlboros	(55)
	Mom is fine with buying her 7-year-old a slutty Bratz doll with trailer whore makeup and CFM heels, but when it comes with a belt buckle that says "Enter", well that's just too much	(145)
	If you're English royalty and you called a fellow cadet wearing a headscarf a "raghead" you can bet the newsrags will rag on you until you are ragged	(87)
	"Queensland Rail insisted it did not have to offer the 81 passengers refunds because they had already enjoyed most of their ride when the horrific crash occurred"	(27)
	The Royal Navy wants to know what to do with 17,000 drunken sailors	(65)
	What proposed California state facility would have handball courts, therapy kitchens, music and crafts rooms, yoga, and a basketball court? If you said, "the new prison hospitals", you live in the Golden State	(135)
	Urgent warning from researchers: mouthwash causes oral cancer. It's too late for the disfigured man in the pic	(122)