Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-12-14 23:59:59'

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Sun December 14, 2008

	And the #1 quote of 2008 from the Yale Book of Quotations is	(155)
	United Airlines lies to a 777 full of sick children, deceiving them about their destination for the 18th year in a row	(160)
	For the third year in a row, someone has anonymously left hundreds of toys outside of a Virginia church. Merry Christmas, everyone	(84)
	A homage to the unsung hero of the holiday season: the Christmas tree stand	(55)
	Nuclear power plant is home to 400 crocodiles. What could possibly go wrong?	(123)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this little guy driving a robot	(38)
	It's a sign of good luck when the horse pulling your wedding carriage bolts and drags you for a mile and a half at 30 miles per hour, and you have to jump off to save your life. So they've got that going for them, at least	(34)
	Female firefighter fights firing for farking fellow frisky firemen, fanning flames for firehouse flings	(99)
	Fool the SO into thinking you really took the time to wrap the presents yourself with CrapWrap	(52)
	New Versace hotel in Dubai finds ingenious way to deal with global warming: Refrigerate the beach	(51)
	Frugal 90-year-old woman who slept through Montana winter nights with no heat and used a sharpened broom handle to till her garden leaves $2.8 million to 11 charities after her death	(217)
	You've just been fired. Do you A) Start looking for a new job to rebuild your life, B) Sue for wrongful termination, or C) Bust into the Christmas party and murder the CEO in front of hundreds of witnesses?	(225)
	Woman delivers baby in car on the side of the road. "I said to my husband, 'What do you mean, cross my legs?'"	(41)
	Having a bad day? Meet the guy who recently has been divorced twice, house foreclosed, mobile home burned down, dog killed, business went into bankruptcy and his brother died of a heart attack. And he was killed on Friday	(113)
	Twelve poets plunge into a frigid lake to to bring attention to the world of poetry, also because "shrunk" and "junk" rhyme	(42)
(Some Guy)	California Highway Patrol plans celebration to announce statistics that indicate new hands-free cell phone law have reduced highway fatalities 72% since being introduced. Ponch and cookies will be served	(64)
	Female driver somehow crushes herself between van and ATM machine. Perhaps she lost her balance?	(75)
	"Sen. John McCain, D-Ariz"	(216)
	Wounded vet adopts her former bomb dog. Excuse me... there's something in my eye	(49)
	Man injured in iron bar attack. Police say his condition is if-Fe	(50)
	Customer: Yea my cable box caught on fire and burned my house. Comcast: That'll be $88	(97)
	Faces of death, part Swiss	(56)
(Athens News-Couriler)	Cologne that smells like kindergarten or squirrel foot earrings. The perfect gift for the pedophile or podophile in your life	(30)
	San Diego neighborhood to military base: GTFO. Military response: We were here first, n00bs	(217)
	Homophobe sentenced to homoprobe	(89)
	An attack was made on the President of the United States, but the shoeter was quickly apprehended	(628)
	Parents fined $60K for failure to supervise rapist son	(50)
(Some Guy)	Things to make with vegetables beside tossing them in salad	(19)
	Bush spending his last precious days in office doing his best to screw Obama	(338)
	As demand falls, collected recyclables pile-up at centers making them look like junkyards	(22)
	Basque separatists hate trains, say the ETA on new rail link is never	(60)
	Staying up til the wee hours of the morning working on behalf of the city you're in charge of? Yup, that's a curfewin'	(64)
(Some Guy)	Chicago Museum of Science and Industry dares to teach the controversy, secures Harry Potter exhibition to educate all the boys and girls in witchcraft and wizardry in a scientific setting	(86)
	A third of Australian men under 50 use the razor's edge on their highway to hell or big balls every month, presumably for a chance to fire their guns and sink the pink	(107)
	Listen, if you dont want to be stabbed again, play the right guitar chord you retard	(105)
(Some Maine-iac)	100,000 Mainers in the dark after ice storm. Many are also without power	(99)
	Woman complains because she was photographed by newspaper while drunk and so could not give proper consent. Girls Gone Wild points, laughs, passes out half-naked	(101)
	Mitch Albom has a few parting words for the Senators who squashed the auto rescue	(507)
	Indians 23, Pirates 0	(88)
	The German government has lost over 300 top secret files over the last 10 years. They're so secret, in fact, that they don't even know what they lost. Talk about unknown unknowns	(47)
	Students as old as 18 could be forced to wear hats to prevent lawsuits against schools. In other news, subby plans to sue the government because he got sunburnt on their property	(51)
(tmj4)	Headline: "Strange Odor Lingers Over Region". C'mon, I know the Packers have stunk recently, but that's just mean	(26)
(Some Guy)	There are three types of drivers in mall parking lots during the holiday season: stallers, stalkers, and circlers. You know which one you are and you should be ashamed of yourself	(151)
	Headline: "No taint seen on Prez-elect"	(88)
	Arson blamed in fire at Sarah Palin's church. Arson, presumably, is Palin's estranged son	(214)
	Submitter doesn't own a car, microwave, or television. What other "necessities" do you find you can live without?	(582)
	Photoshop these arid archeologists	(46)
	The Illuminati were real, and influenced young Beethoven -- including his "Ode to Joy." Oh, snap	(117)
	New Zealand police hunt tree poisoner, vowing they will find that son of a beech and throw his ash in jail	(53)
	Pics from the annual 'Santa Speedo Run.' Submitter will save you the trouble - click on 7, 14, 19, 20, 21; maybe on 5, 23, 33; and not on 9...definitely not on 9	(95)

Sat December 13, 2008

	What could be dumber than blowing $900 million in a casino? How about suing the casino for it	(87)
	Ugandan President thinks they are taking too many holidays, need to develop super weapons...wait, what?	(45)
	YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA	(162)
	Jeweler plays Secret Santa by leaving packages with a piece of jewelry around the city. Bomb squad paniclarity in 3...2...1	(22)
	The 12 biggest douchebags of the year. Yes, this is from a serious media outlet	(112)
	Latest trend among idiots? Spiking their friends' drinks with ketamine	(133)
(Some Guy)	Nagasaki board of education ordered pupils to take part in "hot classroom test" in August to see if they could survive summer heat with only five electric fans to cool them off	(73)
	"I do what the cockerel would usually do, only with my finger. It is like an orgasm for the chicken." Cockerel	(70)
(Rochester D&C)	Suspicious death investigated on Electric Avenue. Eddy Grant wanted for questioning	(32)
	Your dogs begin dying. Is it because A. You have 42 of them, B. Your 42 dogs are kept in a 5 x 9 foot cage, or C. The UFOs circling your house are killing them	(62)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this vertical verification	(59)
	A man's guide to buying lingerie as a Christmas present. Or, "Do you know how much money I spent to get you to look that cheap?" (SFW)	(162)
	Cow nose ray exhibit re-opens. How they fit the rays up there I'll never know	(31)
	Today's Fark-ready headline: "Meatpacking giant answers nervous ranchers"	(37)
	The Federal Reserve refuses to disclose recipients of $2,000,000,000,000.00 in emergency loans	(481)
	I haven't the slightest idea what you are talking about, so here's a picture of the world's smallest cat in a drinking glass. Happy Caturday	(67)
	When Santa Claus gets a parking ticket, The Sun is there (pic)	(29)
	Near frozen sea turtle recued in Cape Cod just in time for Turtleday	(58)
(Some Guy)	Women attack couple using pink stiletto shoes as weapons. What a bunch of heels	(22)
(Some Photoshop)	Photoshop this friendly grocery	(45)
	Not news: Woman found not guilty by jury for writing bad checks. Florida: judge sentences her to 55 years in prison anyway	(191)
(Some Gal)	San Diego flips the hell out over predictions of winter storms with temperatures in the 60s and an inch of rain. The entire Northeast snorts derisively	(119)
	Homeless busker who won £85,000 on a TV talent show says fame is pointless...and he wants to be a homeless busker again	(57)
	Carla Bruni never seemed to mind seeing her nude images splashed all over the universe. Now that she's first lady of France, she's apparently had a change of heart	(116)
	County orders blind veteran to drive his six year old to school	(90)
	Man says his cat shot him by mistake	(64)
	Germans oppose plans to redevelop former Nazi holiday camp, citing need to keep sunloungers free of towels	(57)
	Shaggy, a two-and-a-half-year-old reindeer who lost his horns, is still able to perform shows this year thanks to a wig made of rabbit pelts and the antlers he shed last year. No word if it's stapled on (with pic)	(31)
(Some Guy)	Man who killed and cooked wife while high on pot seeks new trial, recipe	(192)
(Some Guy)	Large crowd expected to compete for the coveted 'Golden frying pan' at this years Chumuckla Redneck Christmas games mullet toss	(13)
	Don't make Marvel Comics angry, Mr. Rumsfeld. You wouldn't like them when they're angry	(82)
	Giant garlic cloud engulfs the south of England: Things haven't been this bad since the French invaded in 1066	(54)
	If you're going to claim Medicare ob/gyn expenses for yourself, it might help to be pregnant, but it's absolutely critical that you're female	(18)
	A Stockholm library is in trouble for refusing to let a woman check out more than two books because she's Dutch	(47)
	Man convicted of rape after DNA from the victim's dog feces was found on his shirt. Judge sentenced him to three life terms because this was his turd strike	(57)
	Not news: Group of doctors makes calendar for charity. News: A naked calendar. Fark: A children's charity	(35)
	Court rules what Farkers already knew: it's not a problem for women to have large boobies	(176)
	China introduces "pyjama police" to crack down on people wearing nightgowns on the street. That's laceist	(48)
	Lost in translation: Hooters opens franchises in China under the name 'The American Owl'	(81)
	If your MySpace page describes your boyfriend as "my rock, my best friend, my lover, my soul mate and my all" and you "couldn't imagine a day without him", you get to harvest his sperm. After he dies	(48)
	Horlick among victims of Bernard Madoff's giant Wall Street Ponzi scheme. What's a Horlick? See the pic	(71)
	Michael Jackson auditions for Zorro: The Gay Blade II	(86)
	Family questions why sheriff's deputy shot and killed their dog, didn't realize that naming their dog Ammo would have consequences	(125)
	Two FBI agents dressed like skinheads barge into an anti-racism rally. Hilarity ensues, followed by typical FBI douchebaggery	(92)
	Officials upset because Amish prove they can build good houses without paying bribes or homage to building inspectors and the nanny state	(95)
	More and more crazy people believe their lives are being documented. The viewers are eating this up	(49)
	Man who's definitely not just some crackpot from Utah with a bunch of followers who think of him as a prophet predicts nuclear explosions over Christmas will prevent Obama from becoming President	(84)
	Firefighters called to rescue 73-year old man who got his pole stuck in a pipe	(23)
	When people get shot at your funeral you know you are a total badass. Or at least know you were a total badass	(28)
(Some Guy)	After microbes refuse to go away on dictator's demand, Zimbabwe now blames cholera epidemic on Britain	(74)
	Just cleaned your windshield with washer fluid? You might fail a breathalyzer test	(54)
	Bomb explosion at bank kills one cop. Apparently he didn't get exactly four gallons into the jug	(52)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these cute Communists	(36)
(KPTV)	After being catnapped by neighbors, court orders Merlin the cat to be returned to his rightful owners for a very special Caturday	(324)
(Some Guy)	U-Fail	(46)
	Not news: City commissioner arrested on corruption charges. News: Mayor of same city arrested on corruption charges next day. Fark: Unrelated crimes	(14)
	Disabled boy can keep his pony over objection of neighbors. Council: "While you have to enforce the rules, there are times when you have to...remember that you're a human being and have some compassion"	(82)
	Get up, go to work, come home to find a drunk woman on your roof asking for beer. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?	(61)
(KPTV-Portland)	When veering off the road to mow down a deer standing in a clearing, make sure the deer is real first	(48)
	Radio show host gets stabbed in road rage incident then fires off profane e-mail to station's news director for not covering the story. Show mysteriously canceled shortly thereafter	(58)
(Some Guy)	Due to a paperwork error, there is no speed limit in Scotland	(59)
(Some Guy)	Hero dog takes three bullets, one in the head defending family from intruder and never stopped attacking intruder. Your dog is a pussy	(237)
	Canadian soldiers add donkey brigade to Afghan mission. Bonus: comments by self-proclaimed "ass-master"	(54)
	US nabs Columbian drug lord Montoya. No sign of Fezzik or Vizzini	(59)
	The most popular man at the nudist colony: located	(33)

Fri December 12, 2008

(NBC Chicago)	Record. Breaking. Uterus.	(105)
	If your wife says she will withhold sex from you if you set off fireworks this holiday season....do you?	(132)
	Greek rioters complain that police are firing 30-year-old tear gas canisters at them, and they don't like it. "We found tear gas canisters dated from 1981. The old chemicals make us sick, people have trouble breathing"	(139)
(KABC-7)	L.A. Bentley driver has a lead foot, arm, chest, head after freeway shooting	(65)
	Thieves steal 1,620 pounds of steaks. Police say such cases are rare	(64)
(WHDH)	Boston parking offenders can now pay their tickets with toys... NO LITE-BRITES	(48)
	Next time you see someone who's not breathing, just remember what you saw on reality tv	(20)
	Man decides to pick up some Christmas presents, namely a seesaw for his kids, by stealing them from preschool playground. You betcha alcohol was involved	(25)
	Not the crime, but the cover-up: TSG weekly mugshots	(222)
	In Australia you can name your child Nevaeh and Narnia, but not Gummy Bear, Coca Cola and King John 1	(90)
	New England to New Orleans: STFU, noob	(102)
	You must be smoking crack if you force a cop off the road while driving around with drugs in your car	(28)
	Mystery surrounds "Batman of Sheffield" who always wears a mask and speaks in fake American accent. "At first we thought he was a joker, but he turned out to be a true superhero"	(87)
	Subby was just in the shower and had one of the larger WTF moments of my life. DIT w/pics	(2157)
	Photoshop these costumed competitors	(54)
	There's nothing quite like starting your day with a sewage geyser erupting in your front yard	(64)
	New study finds magnet-swallowing is linked to autism. Was previously considered a bipolar disorder	(136)
	When you're getting out of your car after leading police on a low-speed chase, remember to leave your machete in the vehicle	(34)
(Some Bloke)	Oldest British brain discovered, made into a pot pie and consumed with a pint	(53)
	News: Rescue operation to free passengers from stranded car ferry. Not news: ferry crosses a river on a cable, and is only feet from shore. Fark: passengers now stranded on shore, because they don't have their cars	(66)
	Zimbabwe has introduced new $200 million and $500 million notes. Finally we can pay for our bread with a single note	(140)
	Taxpayers are livid that selfish deadbeats are rewarded with better mortgages for making irresponsible decisions	(571)
	You know it's a Canadian University shooting when it's nothing but firecrackers and it's thwarted by snow. Twice	(64)
	Protip: Don't return to the crime scene and try to hide behind that big screen tv you just tried to steal	(25)
	New Orleans freaked out by mysterious white powder	(114)
	Fark Modmins, I've never prayed to you. I do not have the tongue for it. I ask only that you post my Christmas video, The Carol of the Christmas Pickle. If you can not do this, then...PRETTY PLEASE	(134)
	New film called "The Black Candle" shows how Kwanzaa is celebrated around the world. Subby is waiting for "Grab My Pole", the Story of Festivus	(275)
(Some Guy)	It's not that Hollywood is out of ideas, exactly...more like the ones they have are really weird. LGT a list of scripts and plot synopsis rejected in 2008	(195)
(Some Guy)	YouTube video shows Maryland girls laughing at armed robbery	(135)
	If you've made a purchase at the Malmö Toys 'Я' Us and paid with your debit card, You 'Я' Boned	(62)
	With no more important problems to solve, Kansas City makes it a crime to feed Canadian geese in city parks	(132)
	Doctors warm against tainted cocaine. Symptoms include fever, chills and sore throats -- oh, and cocaine addiction	(63)
	Cardboard warehouse on fire. Perhaps not the best choice in building materials	(30)
	Police: "something interesting found in Caylee's grand parent's home". Not expected to be a parenting handbook	(197)
	Why the world loves Homer. Not the Odyssey guy, the other one	(244)
	Successful fail: Trying to stay warm, homeless man accidentally lights self on fire with candle	(57)
	Brilliant scientists make wonderous discovery about the effects of sarcasm	(84)
	Blair House: Yes, Presidents-Elect traditionally stay here, but you can go elsewhere, you attractive and successful African-American	(260)
	Old report: Philly schools spent $124 million on school books but students didn't have any. New report: The books are there. It's just that nobody can find them	(46)
(Some Guy)	Chicago Tribune sets up a poll to pick the name of the Blagojevich scandal. Surely Farkers could do better than the choices they came up with. Voting enabled	(338)
	G.M to North America staff, please take the month of January off	(315)
(WZZM 13)	Bowling Ball - Check... Bowling Shoes - Check... Colostomy Bag - Check	(18)
	46 percent of women and 100% of submitter's wives prefer the Internet to sex	(471)
	Woman accused of grabbing a cop's groin area and pulling and twisting it, which isn't as bad as it sounds once you see her mugshot	(106)
	Q: Why would Farkers ever tune into Dancing with the Stars? A: Stevie Wonder competes	(91)
	Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose getting on a 6:30 train with an 80 pint barrel of beer. Choose drinking all the way to London. Choose getting into a drunken fight. Choose your future. Choose life	(57)
	The accused: "This loose hot dog, over there, and this side, packaged hot dog, you know? Packaged hot dog. This is not open. You know? And down, a hot dog, put it." The judge: "Not guilty." Dog America bless	(89)
	Playboy courts controversy by featuring virgin on front cover. The Sun is there	(142)
	German affinity to bureaucracy: Winni has to pay TV fees because he is a "non-registered adult individual". So far so good but "Winnie" has a fur, four legs, hunts mice and is a bloody cat	(64)
(Parking protestor)	Prolonged prohibited police patrolcar parking practices in Portland perturb popular personality . Previous perpetrator punished. Patched parking procedures possible	(54)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Venetian mealtime toast	(43)
	Vatican forbids designer babies, allows Prada shoes	(226)
	FCC commissioner: World of Warcraft is a "leading cause" of college dropouts	(353)
	Calling in false alarms to your local fire station is not advisable. Especially if you are one of the firefighters who works there	(31)
(Some Guy)	Note to self: when planning a robbery, visiting a website called "Six Easy Steps to Committing Armed Robbery" will probably land you in PMITA prison	(44)
	The family that slays together, stays together	(39)
	Russian businessman trademarks ;-), says he really wanted to trademark Not safe for work but was beaten to it	(52)
	59 year old Hasidic Jew in trouble for ordering in some kosher 13 year old breast meat	(156)
	Psychologist suggests Blago's hair helmet was first sign of trouble, possible location of missing WMDs	(56)
	WWJD? He'd party his face off in Bethlehem, PA. Fark Party Final Reminder	(130)
	If you go on a whizzer and get a tad squiffy (if not starkers) with cougar bait, then expect to be a little rumpty-tumpty the next day	(31)
	If your creche needs a camel, here is how to mod your dog	(31)
	"I literally grabbed my boot and put it in my crotch, then got the boot laces and tied it to my thigh, so it would not flop around. There was about two inches of meat holding my leg on." We need 9 more Hero tags	(263)
(Some Guy)	Ninth up, third from the left, that's where	(140)
	♫ ♪ On the Twelfth day of January, my true love gave to me ... a divorce, finally ♫ ♪	(30)
	Truman man wanted for soliciting boy for sex. The only question is when we find him, Dewey beat him?	(47)
	Time magazine invites people to vote for 25 choices for 2008's Person Of The Year before they pick Barack Obama regardless	(119)
	Boston bans cigahh, hookah bahhs	(126)
	News: McCain campaign sells off everything from campaign-- including a $20 Blackberry loaded with email addresses and phone numbers for former staffers. FARK: They sold it to an investigative reporter	(68)
	As people buy thicker mattresses their dogs have a harder time getting into bed with them. The solution: Pet stairs. (with 'awww a puppy' pics)	(209)
	"All over the country families are being fleeced for their two minutes with a bored man in a red suit. We spend hours queuing up at stores with fighting kids, just so we can step inside a grotto held together with tape"	(38)
	Frog farm in Singapore urges visitors to come and enjoy its 6,000 strong 'bullfrog orchestra' perform before they are cooked and eaten	(34)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this uplifting scene	(36)
	Suicide jumper saved by the 54th annual Christmas Ship Parade	(52)
	New study finds elephants live longer when they aren't trapped in dirty, tiny cages with bratty kids throwing rocks at them all day. Wetness of water to be studied next	(41)
	Bettie Page goes tits up	(432)

Thu December 11, 2008

	If you guessed UAW as the entity that would hose the Auto Bailout, step up and claim your prize	(1094)
	The biggest, brightest full moon of 2008 will be on Friday because it's closer to earth than it has been since 1993. Scientists say we can expect increased ocean tides and 'Dumbass' tags	(110)
	Whenever your girlfriend or wife nags you to put down the toilet seat again, you can just show her this article	(328)
	Teacher tells children the truth about Santa Claus. (Warning: spoiler in article)	(319)
	What is the point of busting a brothel in a heavy tourist area if you don't tip off the local media for full photo and video coverage?	(74)
	Man happy to get back his canteen from 63 years ago when he served in World War II. Although he wasn't as happy to find no whiskey in it	(38)
	Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night. But sheer laziness and gross malfeasance? Oh yeah, the Philly Post Office is all over that, tossing out your first class mail by the ton	(162)
(Some Guy)	Attention parents: a man claiming to be a children's underwear market researcher just might be a child molester	(64)
	Peace on earth, good will toward men...except when your brother's dog chews up your Christmas presents and you shoot at him (the brother not the dog)	(23)
	Teacher busted for showing his class "Krush Groove," a 1985 movie about the early days of rap and hip-hop	(87)
	Outraged parent gets Sherman Alexie's latest book banned from school library because it contained "a reference about masturbation, and that it's ok and no big deal"	(213)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Nearly two percent of all railroad cars in North America are currently parked idle on a 50-mile stretch of track in central Montana, presumably awaiting ominous "Phase 2"	(138)
	Canada recalls blue Stilton cheese because of listeria contamination, warns consumers not to eat it because it's no gouda	(71)
	Caylee Anthony's body found	(341)
	It turns out the failing economy was able to succeed where Bloomberg, Giuliani, the FBI, and legislation all failed: Famed strip club Scores to close their doors for good	(66)
(Daily Illini)	"Naked clowns and nerd sex"	(89)
	Photoshop this leaf	(66)
(Some Idahoan)	Man tries to break into house, is scared away by woman in her 90's. Woman calls neighbor for help, neighbor follows man, man calls police to say he is being followed. Man is arrested. Ta Daa	(18)
(Some vertical smile)	People who smile in their online profile photos usually have more friends. Also, people who show cleavage usually get more gifts	(107)
	Your car won't start. Is it: A) the battery, B) the ignition, C) the thousands of nuts a chipmunk stuffed under your hood?	(76)
	Belgian police arrest "al Qaeda legend." No, not that one, the other one, no the other one, no it's.......some lady	(54)
	It just wouldn't be Christmas without a "Scared of Santa" slideshow. #22 will haunt submitter in her dreams tonight	(180)
	Today's state-issued phone number on medical cards that takes you to giggling female voice saying "hey sexy guy" brought to you by Tallahassee	(27)
(Some Guy)	You know you have hit bottom, when thieves target you for your tuna sandwich and four beers	(32)
	Friends of (expletive) wife of Gov. Blogojevich say (expletive) transcript of her (expletive) profanity-laced conversations don't (expletive) represent who she really (expletive) is	(126)
	Chicago Sun-Times reporter says Blagojevich may claim the insanity defense because he came up through the Chicago power structure and doesn't know right from wrong	(61)
	Government advertisements linking methamphetamine use with rape, prostitution, patricide and rape make Australian teenagers four times as likely to try the drug	(140)
	The pope, wearing priceless jewels and carrying a staff made of solid gold, condemns global financial system as "self-centered, short-sighted, and lacking concern for the poor"	(197)
	"Santa Claus will take you to hell"	(128)
	USA Today publishes the most corrupt states in the nation. Who takes the top spot? Well, let's just say your Buffalo wants 90,000 dollars in unmarked bills	(191)
	Apparently, some people still need to be reminded not to draw attention to themselves while carrying drugs	(14)
	Reports of an armed man and detonations at Universite du Quebec in Montreal	(145)
	The current bid for the rights to publish the first pics of Ashlee Simpson's baby is ... Zero	(88)
	Escapee from a North Korean prison labor camp explains that it's more horrible that you could ever imagine. Unless you live in Cleveland	(79)
	Here they are: the 32 pro-bailout, anti-free market, hemp-pants wearing, tofu-eating, disco-dancing, Harry Potter-reading, America hating Republicans who voted "yes" on the bailout	(208)
(Some white powder)	First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women	(41)
	Pro Tip: Don't lie about your name to police when it's tattooed on your neck	(41)
	Dear Israel, If Iran nukes you first we'll nuke the shiat out of them. But they have to like totally nuke you and like kill everyone before we respond. Good luck and have fun. Yours truly, Barack Obama	(419)
	Man loses handcuff key, calls police to unlock wife from their bed. Apparently was unaware that a locksmith would have avoided a police report that could end up on Fark	(85)
	Not news: Kids try to toilet paper a house. News: Man uses night vision to catch them. Fark: He then squirts them with fox urine	(91)
	Anti-vaccine idiots may have Jenny Mccarthy representing them but the pro-vaccine movement gets Amanda Peet. Advantage: pro-vaccine group	(318)
	You can expect a lot of gang violence in your city if one gang is called FOB and the other is called the FOB Killers	(69)
	When you list $1 million as "cash out miscellaneous" in your bankruptcy filing, you can expect your creditors to be suspicious, Michael Vick	(67)
	After Jan 1, it will be illegal to have indoor furniture on your porch or in your yard in Albany GA. The times, they are a changin'	(87)
	Europe's Weird Ways at Christmas: Santa's Little Slave Helper in Holland, 7-foot-tall horned devil in Munich, & Fecal Figures in Catalonia	(36)
	Coke dealing college girls giggle and make jokes while cops lead them away in handcuffs. "OMG, are you guys serious?"	(249)
	Robbers: Think twice about committing a crime when there's snow on the ground. Or at least don't head right home	(29)
	At the UN climate negotiations, poor countries will reduce their emissions if rich countries pay for it. And we're talking poor countries such as Singapore and Kuwait. Wait, what?	(108)
	CNN's idea for for DIY Holiday Gift: Love Box. "Step One - Cut a hole in the box" curiously absent	(45)
	Barack Obama's transition team is all "NASA, what's up?" NASA is then like "GTFO" So Obama's team is all, "WTF?" NASA: "I told you GTFO, you don't know shiat"	(538)
	Humane Society of the U.S. is apparently helping bomb-throwing radicals raise money. Your dog wants an actual "humane" society	(89)
	Patagonian tribe faces extinction. Outerwear supply dangerously low	(33)
	Europe may crumble because Germany's economy and bad planning is forcing it to take bold action. 1932 called and wants it headline back	(105)
	If you must have rat poison at a child-care center, it's not a good idea to store it under or behind a piece of play equipment	(22)
	For some reason or another, Mom gets a little upset when snowflake brings home "The Book of Bunny Suicides" from the school library	(114)
	Man wins court battle to prove he isn't dead but gets stuck with court costs. "I am already beginning to wonder whether or not I would have been better off staying dead"	(39)
(Some Signing Santa)	Kid wants a Ferrari for Christmas, gets a toy car from a dealership. On his list this year: Shrink ray with "reverse" option	(49)
(Sheboygan Press)	Sheboygan city council grants a city residency permit to a delightfully named sex offender	(80)
	The Mumbai story is losing steam, quick think of something. Got it: What if Mumbai happened here?	(64)
	♫♪♫ Shot through the eye ♫♪♫ some girl's to blame ♫♪♫ she gave archery a bad name ♫♪♫ [w/x-ray goodness]	(80)
	Most Christmas cards suck, so here's some from IHC that you could send to your grandmother. If you hate your grandmother that is (NSFW - some nudity)	(52)
	If you absolutely must indulge in some harmless groin massage, please don't do it next to the public swimming pool; it will only lead to confusion, and charges	(48)
	The Daily Mail tackles unlikely sex symbols, from Jeremy Clarkson to Boris Johnson. Bonus hilarity: "A man can be downright ugly and still be attractive if the rest of his package scores highly"	(90)
	Warning that nut allergy 'hysteria' serves no purpose other than inspiring numerous Fark headlines	(188)
	Remains of a child found in wooded area half-mile from home of Casey Anthony's parents	(248)
	Foreclosures dipped 7%. That's good. But it may get worse. That's bad. Or it could be a sign things are okay. That's good. The toppings contain potassium benzoate	(59)
	Obama held press conference today. Said things. THINGS	(390)
(NewsLite)	Animal charity workers and firemen spend hours trying to rescue a plastic owl from a telegraph pole	(66)
	The numbers are in and this year pirates earned more than the total GDP of the Marshall Islands	(34)
	Photoshop this pencak silat takedown	(49)
	Shopkeeper fights off knife-wieldings robbers by throwing hot tea in their faces. Awesome, totally awesome! All right, Patel!	(44)
	Every day is Christmas in Santa Claus, Indiana. Every day is also Suicide Watch day in Santa Claus, Indiana	(70)
	Astronomers have found a hot planet that is retaining water, can only observe it three weeks out of the month because it gets unbelievably biatchy	(58)
(Confused Texans)	Blagojevich says "I'll resign when it snows in Texa----what? Oh, you gotta be kidding me" (bonus Texas snowman pics)	(207)
	Thieves drive through a store's front door for the second time in two weeks. Is the Kool-Aid Man going to sue them for gimmick infringement? OH YEAAAAAAAAAAH	(24)
	Kim Jong Il visits a cosmetic factory, hopes to find some makeup that complements his Chanel jumpsuit	(26)
	Old and busted: FBI top 10 fugitives. New hotness: EPA top 10 fugitives	(62)
	If you've ever had a burning desire to slap a total stranger in the face with a salmon, then today could be your lucky day	(47)
	Right on cue, LA Times publishes Xmas pet gifts, including a wedding cake for your dog. Your dog wants an ironclad prenup	(23)
(PennLive)	Pittsburgh school districts to re-design grading structures based on a minimum 50% grade, even with no attendance. Pennsylvania school trifecta now in effect	(123)
(Some Guy)	Owner of big cat who bit Santa comes forward with vaccination records just in time for Caturday	(62)
	Space shuttle expected to leave Edwards Air Force Base for central Florida, arrive in Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida	(87)
	Mugabe says cholera outbreak that threatened hundreds of thousands has been stopped. Just like AIDS	(57)
	Man wins court ruling to have his monthly $2000 alimony payments stopped because his ex-wife is violating terms of their divorce by cohabitating with another woman. In a prison cell	(202)
	Actual headline: "Police discover that cracking down on knives helps to reduce knife crime". There's a Pulitzer in this reporter's future	(114)
	Massachusetts asks federal government for a billion dollars to dig a tunnel under Boston. Hey, it worked once	(59)
	When a book reviewer describes the author as "that literary turd" and says he would rather slow grill his kids "on a bed of live pederasts" you know it's going to be an epic smackdown	(97)
	November 8: "Obama met with Governor Rod Blagojevich earlier this week to discuss it." December 10: "KHQA has no knowledge that any meeting ever took place." Well, isn't that something	(746)
	Today's top legal tip from your friends at Fark. If you have to attend court to face a drink-driving charge, don't wear your "Miss Wasted" T-Shirt	(53)
	Grandmaster "Big Chucky" may face two-year ban from the world of chess for . . . doping?	(69)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these Chuck Norris action jeans	(51)
	Guy tries to rob driver depositing checks in drive-thru ATM; driver speeds off. High-speed chase ensues, but not in the order you might think	(43)
	Religious groups jump at LoJack's offer to install free theft tracking systems on Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes. Three wise men will be equipped with Garmin navigators programmed to the OnStar of Bethlehem	(61)
	Man dies after shoveling sand during 'apprenticeship tryouts' where 900 people competed for 28 jobs. The remaining 899 are feeling a little better about their chances	(46)
	Riots, arson continues in Athens. Doesn't anybody know how to put out a Greece fire?	(88)
	Fetish club sues another for stealing business. If they're lucky it will be a painful legal process	(38)
	Man says his former landlord used a NASA computer to ruin his credit, fake the moon landing	(21)
(Some Guy)	Old and busted: Attractive high school teacher sleeps with male student. New hotness: In a parked car, in front of her other students at a house party	(171)
	Police called to investigate 4- to 5-foot-long broken tree limb reportedly frightening residents of local apartment complex	(17)
	Boston councilor on FBI photo of him accepting $1000 bribe: "This looks Shopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few Shops in my time."	(52)
(Arkansas Times)	Teenaged Arkansas school shooter is all grown up, seeking a permit to carry a concealed handgun	(118)
	Thanks to the recession, Bush is back. No, not that one, the other one	(181)
	Stunt man accused of stealing jewelry from neighbor's home. Escapes police by running through a window, jumping across an alley to another building, and leaping onto the side of a passing helicopter, all while on fire	(15)
	Teenager screams the title of his favorite David Spade TV show at Detroit Police while pointing a cocked shotgun at them; police oblige	(89)
	No, no, is not bribe, is just "fortune happy money bag"	(31)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 188: "The Eyes Have It". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme	(227)

Wed December 10, 2008

(Some Pyro)	"Sometimes you just have to wonder what some people are thinking"	(93)
	Girl is picked on at school, comes back and lets loose with an AK-47. Nah, just kidding, she's suing everyone	(135)
	Nanny State finally loses it completely: prisons told to be nicer to inmates, dim the lights at night, please don't slam the cell doors and, oh, could you please get me a cup of tea? There's a good screw	(76)
	Man known as Santa Bob busted after agents find 19 marijuana plants growing on his farm, more than a pound and a half of packaged marijuana in freezers, and about 33 grams of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Now we know how his reindeer fly	(121)
	You know times are tough when an average guy can't afford to power his 650,000 Xmas lights so he has to sell the original spaceship from Forbidden Planet to pay the bills	(63)
	Kung-fu squirrels battle it out in South Africa. Ninjas unavailable for comment (with pics)	(62)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this stuffed crawler	(67)
	Lego-church built of quarter of a million bricks for Christmas	(89)
	Survey reveals that 92% of women like to "go solo." Meanwhile 100% of men admitted to pleasuring themselves, 17% of them before the survey was even completed	(196)
	Boston veterinarians re-attach cat's face possibly removed by a car's fan belt (w/pic and super important Google map showing you where Boston is)	(154)
	Headline: Study Reports Anal Sex on Rise Among Teens. Actual Story: A couple of 20 something women had anal sex and didn't like it	(424)
(Some Guy)	Honey was there a dead man in our house when we left Friday?	(17)
	NPR staff, programming cuts expected to affect up to one dozen listeners	(205)
	US commandos accidentally launch an attack that kills six Afghan policemen and wounds another 13. Unclear at this time if the troops involved were special forces or "very special forces"	(198)
(NBC Augusta)	Protip: If you steal a computer password to change your grades, don't change them from Fs to perfect scores minutes after receiving the grades. And it's probably not a good idea to give yourself a grade for a test you didn't take	(64)
	Woman, 19, stabs boyfriend, 35, when he won't give her some early morning sex. With dual mug shot "goodness"	(323)
	Ur acct is closd, wuts ur SSN plz? Thx	(118)
	NYC subway cars to become more pick-pocketer and sketchy-perverted-groping-dude friendly	(112)
(WGEM)	It just doesn't feel like Christmas until the first news story about a crook stuck in a chimney	(24)
	Festivus pole to be displayed at Washington capitol. Let the airing of the grievances begin	(151)
	Stylish Brits reckon THIS man has the best haircut in the UK	(86)
	Nine out of the top ten cars stolen in the USA are made in the USA. Yay, Detroit	(82)
	More Americans believe in the Devil, Hell and Angels than in Darwin's Theory of Evolution	(750)
	Negative advertising has come to car sales: Savannah Ford dealer launches a "you know what? Fark Toyota, they suck" ad campaign	(156)
	Omaha man loses a race with train while trying to cross bridge. Also fails to win a Darwin Award nomination. Wil Wheaton not impressed	(42)
	Kids are so busy at school thesedays they don't even have time to chew pencils. So some rubber-head develops...the pre-chewed pencil	(45)
	In a suprising reversal of the Nanny State, UK Police start giving machine guns to pensioners	(74)
	Pilots want to ban cockpit recordings from being "public entertainment." In other news, people are entertained by any use of the word "cockpit"	(93)
	Aiden, Emma top list of most popular baby names. Zuma Nesta Rock, Bronx Mowgli, and Ce'Andre fail to make list...again	(378)
	A scientist has invented his idea of the perfect woman - a female robot. Yes, he's as nerdy as you imagine and no word if she has guns in her jumblies	(226)
	One-fifth of the world's coral is already dead. That's quite atoll	(185)
	Honolulu freeway covered in: A) Tourists B) Lava C) Women's underwear	(62)
	The Big Picture presents 30 pictures of Gitmo; look, they have sports, school, their own rooms, mock trials, church; it reminds me of my first year of Law School	(256)
(Some Guy)	Man drives into dealership, rams five vehicles with his truck, drives through front entrance, urinates on more cars and commits an 'indecent act' while drinking champagne. The Aristocrats	(67)
	Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. is "Senate Candidate #5" who offered $1million for Obama's seat	(472)
	One third of teen boys and one quarter of teen girls are pedophiles	(276)
	I'm having a gammelfleischparty in my lederhosen. Wanna come?	(51)
	How are Italian wine and American Beer like making love in a canoe?	(48)
	London's Can-of-Ham tower to be erected on small strip of land located next to the Prince Albert-in-a-can Tube entrance	(14)
	Suspicious powder sent to Sarah Palin...EVERYBODY PAN...Wait, it's in Alaska? Nevermind. Resume daily activities	(63)
	Christmas in the south: "Bourbon balls and pecan confections are as much a part of our holiday as Christmas pudding and crackers are to y'all"	(172)
	Audience applauds the spectacular special effects at play unaware it was actually a prop error and an almost fatal wound	(82)
	Jack in the Box burger named most unhealthy fast food value item in America. McDonalds of course sees this as the perfect time to claim they offer "wholesome, balanced menu options"	(125)
(Some Guy)	Fun: Losing your virginity on a class trip. Funner: Accidently texting your dad about it, thus ending said class trip. Funnest: Having your classmate leak your photo to the interwebs to complete the story	(294)
(Some Guy)	Top ten reasons why top 10 lists are out of control	(33)
	Atlanta police push for end of Citizen's Review Board. Board pushes for end of the police shooting old ladies and lying about it	(52)
(Some Guy)	Details of nine current scams and the suckers who fell for them. Paying five dollars a month to access free content suspiciously absent	(124)
	Robber:"Show me the money." Clerk: "Show me the weapon."	(28)
	The next group of whores to hike their skirts for a Congressional injection: The Airline Industry	(94)
	Guess who lost another $10 billion? How'd you know it was AIG? You're good at this game	(89)
(Redding.com)	KFC girls strip, take bath in sink used for cleaning dishes, then post the photos on their MySpace. Smaert	(220)
	New process detects HGH in urine. Many athletes reportedly pissed	(36)
(Some Guy)	Some states are finally cracking down on those asshats who drive slow in the left-hand lane	(387)
(Some Guy)	Just hours after ribbon cutting ceremony, brand new jail uses its crime fighting powers to bring high speed chase to an end	(11)
(Harvard Crimson)	Harvard announces staff cuts due to loss in value of its endowment, from fifty skadillion dollars to merely eleventy gajillion billion million	(30)
	Jon Stewart to Mike Huckabee: "When did you choose not to be gay?"	(603)
(Nashua Telegraph)	Judge admits double standard, reduces woman's sentence for having sex with teenage boy due to his "raging hormones"	(96)
	Christmas is evil, and if Muslims even look at a Christmas tree, they're going to Hell. And Muslim Hell has even more pineapple insertion	(218)
(Some Guy)	How one root beer cost taxpayers $13,000	(64)
	Injured tortoise who came within a hair of being crushed to death now has a cool, new set of wheels, but his recovery is expected to be very slow	(39)
	Protip: If you're planning to "call in gay" today, make sure you live in a state where they can't fire you for being gay	(370)
(Some Guy)	Fruitcake from 1911 soon to be charged with manslaughter	(50)
	Three quarters of the passengers on a scenic German river cruise come down with norovirus, or as they call it in Germany "brechdurchfall". Let Google translate that for you	(132)
	Community protects nativity scene and Baby Jesus™ with hidden cameras and tastefully stashed GPS device	(32)
	Legislation proposed to require laser-etching of every bullet, which will dramatically increase costs of ammo. Looks like the stockpilers aren't so stupid after all	(567)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this mad dog	(25)
	Yes, it's a lard-sculpter's life in the modern army	(23)
	Scampi fisherman nets a wartime mine that could have blown him into linguine	(19)
(NBC40)	Santa Clawed	(33)
(Some Guy)	Parents of Army captain "fragged" in Iraq seek order of protection against accused soldier recently acquitted of his murder. Army brass assured the Neidermeyers they had nothing to fear	(95)
	Graves are illegal in Massachusetts because they are too dangerous. Open one up if you don't believe me. You'll probably find a dead body trapped inside	(60)
	At this stressful time of year, it can be helpful to make a detailed list of everyhing you need to buy: Presents, Turkey, Rocket Launchers, Tree	(24)
(Some Guy)	Asshat mother upset her child was told to sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer at school holiday concert. The War on Christmas ™ continues	(284)
	Maine's Church of the Open Bong suggest that cops go with them to pass out pot to the needy	(40)
	Erie boy beats off coyote with his snowboard	(65)
	D'oh, a deer	(47)
	Police say a high school employee stole from the band's bingo fund, but won't release their name-o	(45)
	Pound sinks to record low, now worth only 15 ounces	(82)
	Photoshop this Bali beach battle	(42)
(Some Guy)	'White' remains the favorite North American car color, and not just among Republicans	(170)
	Today's epic fail story about a boy who climbed into a toy vending machine and got trapped comes to you from - you guessed it - Darwin, Australia. And yes, there are pics	(97)
	Police consider hiring security guards to protect police stations against attacks from violent criminals. If only there were some public service dedicated to removing these offenders from our streets	(42)
	Study: all those expensive vitamin supplements you've been stuffing down your throat every day in a vain attempt to improve your health and avoid cancer? Yeah, not so much	(177)
	Man who lost his whole family in the F/A-18 crash says that pilot is one of our treasures for the country and to pray for the pilot	(345)
	Safety experts recommend laying off the booze at Christmas, citing 19,000 incidents last year when people hurt themselves, overestimated their own abilities and greenlit some really stupid crap	(24)
(Some Guy)	Among the 6,000 items left behind on trains in Yorkshire this year were a pair of crutches, a bag stuffed with £30,000 and a cat named Holly	(27)
(Some Charity)	Epic logo fail	(234)
	Today's story nobody believed about the AIDS-infected suicide jumper who landed on the Civic in San Francisco? Turns out it was true. Bonus: The guy survived	(113)
	Newborn gorilla born Monday at the San Francisco Zoo abandoned by its mother, forcing zookeepers to care for him (with pic of butt ugly baby gorilla)	(40)
	Old and busted: Cosmetic Surgery when you are alive to make you look younger. New Hotness: Cosmetic surgery after you are dead to make you look younger. Mrs. Lowry approves	(46)

Tue December 09, 2008

	Fark: Woman turns in $97,000 she finds in bathroom. TotalFark: At a Cracker Barrel. UltraFark: In $1,000-dollar bills, which haven't been issued since 1945	(125)
(WOAI)	Today's Fark-ready headline: "Man caught with a case of crabs in South Texas." Well, thanks for sharing	(32)
	Old & busted: eminent domain powers force the sale of retired couple's lifelong home. New hotness: eminent domain powers force the sale of HALF of retired couple's lifelong home	(59)
	Pastor prays over deposit slip, gets $1.5M gift. Drew seen praying over empty keg	(44)
	George W. Bush: The Bible is "probably not" literally true	(597)
	Another school locked down. This time it's because a juvenile was seen hunting squirrel with a rifle near the school. If you guessed it was in Alabama, well, you're probably not alone	(69)
(KCRA)	Stealing a laptop from a school is all fun and games until the anti-theft software takes your picture, sends it back to the school and then ultimately ends up on Fark	(129)
(Wikimedia)	Photoshop this strange black liquid	(73)
(PJ Star)	Notice to teenage drinkers: when police knock on the door during your party, don't taunt them by saying there's nothing they can do if you don't let them in	(132)
(AmericaBlog)	BYU takes down controversial student art project. And by controversial we mean it had pictures of gay people placed close to other pictures of straight people	(129)
	Photo gallery of the F-18 crash in San Diego, taken by a guy working from home down the street	(207)
(Florida Today)	Not news: Kids try to steal car. News: It's a police vehicle. Fark: The cops were still in it	(28)
	Mexican Drug Gang killings to hit record high in 2009, vying to give cancer a run for their money	(93)
	Somebody got $25,000 for that tissue box design? Pffft, looks like it was done by a three year old	(63)
(Foreign Policy)	It's that time of year again: from Hilary's inevitablity to the reason it was impossible for Somali pirates to seize an oil tanker: a round-up of the ten stupidest things said by media pundits in 2008	(52)
	How scary would a Thai civil war be? Imagine a kickboxing movie with a cast of 63 million	(80)
	British girls have had an average of nine sexual partners by age of 21, encountered average of 3 teeth	(285)
	Cat brings home toys from neighborhood including 15 of the same stuffed animal. With pictures	(87)
	There's nothing that calms down a screaming woman in the midst of pushing a baby out of her uterus than Hello Kitty sheets (pic)	(47)
	If you liked General David Petraeus's Baghdad surge, you're gonna cream your jeans at his planned Afghanistan surge	(90)
	Coldplay to Satriani: Take a long walk off the Cliffs of Dover	(239)
(SW Iowa News)	Actual headline: Assman retained as county engineer	(53)
	High school locked down after man seen wearing ski mask and carrying a "suspicious object", which turned out to be coffee	(44)
	Psychic cons woman out of $100K, forgets to add "Jesus" as part of her act, goes to jail	(43)
	Women feel sexiest at 34. That's years, not stone	(142)
	Remember the turkey butchered in the background of the Palin interview? It just sold on eBay for $225. Great Deal, A+++ Would have Thanksgiving again	(37)
	Dyed, turbo-tanned, nipped & tucked, pneumatically enhanced bag of antlers called Victoria Beckham says "David likes me natural"	(73)
	The home of a woman who spent $65,000 buying her local firestation a new fire truck burns down	(51)
(Riverfront Times)	That Didn't Take Long: Illinois Senate Seat up for Sale on eBay	(36)
	After 64 years, WWII POW meets the Filipino boy who helped him escape from the Japanese, dies days later. (link has backstory and video)	(51)
	The writer of Barney's "I Love You" theme is upset the song is being played at Gitmo to break prisoners. He wrote in a newspaper column, "Any music can become unbearable if played loudly for long stretches."	(137)
	Blago wanted to shake down Warren Buffett too. So to recap, the Governor tried to get money out the President-Elect, one of the biggest newspaper companies in the world, and the richest man in the world. Insanity defense here we come	(286)
	Obama has yet to prove he isn't from another planet called Argornia in the star system Thraxos and that he didn't come here through some sort of Stargate	(137)
(MyFOXPhoenix)	Painting your pot smuggling truck to look like a UPS delivery van: priceless	(78)
(LV Review Journal)	Las Vegas unveils new easy access parking lot for its famous sign, much to the relief of shutterbug tourists, and locals who now have carpal tunnel syndrome from continually honking at jaywalkers	(35)
	Institute for Placebo Studies now recommends shooting magnets at your brain to treat depression	(37)
	Government education study says using "aggressive" red pens to mark student's work could be harming the precious little snowflakes' psyches, suggest a hot pink or passionate mauve instead	(100)
	Journalist discovers the phenomenon of blogging, earns a lecture on the origin story of Ric Romero. Bonus: totally harsh Fark mention	(115)
	Shortest story in the world reveals taxi drivers are the rudest people in the world	(44)
	WHO said child's death linked to bird flu. I don't know	(70)
	Naked man with a sword tries "was that wrong?" defense. Turns out he might have actually been in the dark on that one	(32)
	Criminal mastermind steals video cameras from a public skybridge (w/pic)	(41)
(Spinner)	After 50 years, Tom Jones finally writes song for his wife to let her know that whoever he's banging on the road, deep down he's thinking of her	(51)
	It's nice to know that while our country is imploding that members of Congress can still get shiatfaced and silly at White House parties	(74)
	Report: Cancer to be world's top killer by 2010. Subby happy he's a Leo	(46)
	Fake $100 bill dropped in Salvation Army kettle	(93)
	New Hampshire to halt jury trials for a month to save money. In completely unrelated news, state of New Hampshire drives to Congress in electric vehicle	(68)
	Most of OJ Simpson's co-defendants to get probation on news that they didn't kill two people 15 years ago	(64)
(Some Guy)	Haven't accessorized your AR-15 rifle enough? Here's an ejection port cover with a memorable quote from "Team America" (Not safe for work language)	(182)
	US auto executives shouldn't be ousted says CEO recipient of the last auto executive bailout that would never need repeating	(69)
	This year marks the 75th anniversary of a genocidal holocaust. No, not that Holocaust. The one they never taught you about in school. The one that killed more people	(316)
	Apple rumored to be going DRM-free today. Fanboys everywhere rejoice that they'll be able to play their music on, well, still just iPods	(194)
	Top Ten Heists of all time. Not mentioned is roughly $700b that disappeared last month	(46)
	Illinois governor has been arraigned and released on a $4,500 bond, or about one percent the cost of a bribe	(114)
	Good news, comrades: the number of political dissidents in China has decreased. Bad news: they're being reclassified as "mental patients" and forcibly institutionalized	(76)
(Some Guy)	Rookie mistake: posting bail with fake $100 bills	(12)
	Weekly World News In Talks to Buy Tribune	(42)
	Yemeni pirates make the mistake of trying to capture a German cruise ship being escorted by a German frigate. Failarity ensues	(106)
	The big cheeses at Chuck E. Cheese headquarters say fistfights are a rarity at their theaters. Police, regular Fark visitors disagree	(39)
	In honor of Rod Blowjobovich's arrest, here he is being made a fool of by Jason Jones from the Daily Show	(58)
	Yield on 3-month Treasuries falls to -0.01 percent. So if you buy $10,000 worth, you'll get $9,999 back after 3 months. EVERYBODY PANIC	(138)
	Next Prime Minister of Canada to be a guy nicknamed "Iggy"	(235)
	Not News: Missing person report on front page of CNN. News: not white or female. Fark: Just kidding, she's white and female	(71)
	The queen of the airwaves is also the queen of yo-yo dieting: Oprah says she now weighs as much as an NFL strong safety	(111)
	T-shirt causes man to be mocked and beaten. If only there was a place YOU could buy a t-shirt that would cause you to be mocked and beaten. If only	(83)
	Pakistan tells India to "pause and take a breath," then leans over to Turkey and murmurs something about "womens' troubles."	(53)
	The Democratic stimulus plan perpetuates the very bogus idea "that government can boostrap the economy out its funk by hiring two guys to dig a hole and a couple more to fill it in"	(277)
(Chief Wiggam)	Cops think the occupants of the vehicle who were firing a weapon through the sunroof at other cars before crashing into a tree may have been involved in a case of road rage	(19)
(The Index-Journal)	The best list of small-town drug arrestee nicknames you'll read all day. Bonus photo gallery fun: see if you can guess which one is "Bin Laden"	(68)
	Someone set fire to Kentucky's Tater Knob	(19)
	Turns out the Bible is actually pro-gay marriage. Huh	(312)
	Top 7 Worst Guitar Solos of all time	(354)
	"Local news reports, meanwhile, suggest that it was Obama chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel who blew the whistle on the governor."	(123)
	If you decide to piss off the Bank of America, please bear in mind that it's now a Federal entity and that the NSA is more than happy to share all your phone records	(47)
	What Obama should do with Cuba. (with bonus zombie pic)	(60)
(Charleston Gazette)	"Most Wanted" TV Show host pleads guilty to breaking and entering, doing it wrong	(31)
	If you're going to put your robbery victim in a closet make sure you take away his cell phone first	(14)
	You're not a threatening robber if you're old, mentally ill, and can hardly speak. "I asked him, 'Are you serious?"	(10)
(Reading Eagle)	Want something to arrive in the mail by Christmas? T-minus 7 days to go postal	(15)
	Farkers old enough to remember Evel Knievel in his prime can only hope that Robbie Knievel's plan to jump the Mirage Volcano is as big a pile of fail as his Dad's jump of the Caesar's fountain	(67)
	UK school children more likely to score higher in math. US school children more likely to score with teacher	(44)
	Recession-proof cat toys (with awwww pic)	(170)
	Iran has tripled number of photoshopped long-range rockets in arsenal	(56)
	Woman lights man's genitals on fire, burning 85% of his body. Must be some HUGE genitals	(69)
(The Courier-Journal)	Indiana bans drivers from smiling in new license photos. This shouldn't be a problem as have you ever seen anyone willingly smile inside a DMV office? Now banning clenched fists, that might be a challenge	(91)
	NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's message to players who feel they need to pack heat when going to certain places: "Don't go to those places." Also, "Hugs, not drugs."	(77)
(Some Guy)	Flagstaff newspaper eats crow as golden boy shows true colors (w/mugshot)	(51)
	Robert Mugabe tells the world to shut its whore mouth while he's talking	(152)
	British television to air assisted suicide. Not for any ethical or political reason, just to let people know there's one more way to get out of England	(29)
	Student creates Facebook page critical of teacher, school suspends student, student graduates, student sues school over suspension, Florida tag explains it all	(56)
	Obama smokes polls	(215)
	Man arrested for DUI had a tapped keg in the passenger seat	(47)
	"If ya got chapped lips, put some chicken poop on 'em so you won't lick 'em." City council listens and keeps debating backyard chickens	(27)
(Some Wicked Guy)	Photoshop this... this... Well, at least half of you know what it is	(70)
(The Pantagraph)	If you're going to swallow your crack, you should probably avoid throwing up until the cops are gone	(17)
	A record-breaking £1m has been bet so far on a white Christmas. The odds stand at 5-2 for the entire country of Scotland, and vary regionally by postcode	(12)
	9/11 planners: "we're guilty" "oh wait....we're innocent"	(187)
(Fox 24)	Educators in Richmond County, Ga., accused of having sexual encounters on inflatable mattress in school's public safety office. In perhaps a first for Fark, this scandal doesn't involve any students	(32)
	Man forces his wife to strip and run around the yard so he can use her as target practice. "Shooting at a beautiful woman like her is crazy. Couldn't he have practised on a wild pig like everyone else?'	(77)
	Apparently saving the world in Australia involves eating kangaroos and dromidaries. Would you like one hump or two with your steak?	(28)
	Larry Craig's sex appeal denied	(43)
	Los Angeles sues gang leaders for monetary damages. Good luck with that, ese	(51)
	Illinoje Gojevernor Rod Blagojevich arrestjevid jon federlag corruptigojn chlargesich	(964)
(Some Guy)	Pop quiz: You are leaving a bank you just robbed a bank and a dye pack goes off, what do you do?	(110)
	Actress fired from touring company after complaining about sexual harassment. By Captain Hook. Ouch	(85)
	Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Try to fool me a third time, you're a complete dumbass	(26)
	Surprisingly enough, some people have a problem with the new updated Christmas story in which Mary and Joseph break into a garage and Jesus turns water into strong lager	(69)
	Baker trapped in lift for 13 hours -- for anyone else it would've only been 12	(58)
	Sony makes 8000 walk, man	(105)
	Mom holding a job fair at her home arrested for allowing her 16-year old daughter to attend	(109)
	Meet Jamie. Abandoned as a baby, he joined the British army and turned his life around. He has now been serving in Afghanistan for nearly 21 years	(60)
	CEO of Merrill Lynch requests $10 million bonus because, as he put it, "We only lost 11.6 billion dollars". Auto makers pick jaws up off the ground, wonder just how much it costs to buy a U.S. Congress	(306)
	The best Christmas jokes of all time. And some of them are actually funny. Such as Ozzy Osbourne's "Christmas is a time for remembering. So that's me f***ed"	(72)
(Some pyro)	US Forest Service to burn 300-400 acres in effort to destroy explosives that may be buried in the woods. This should end spectacularly	(45)
(Some Guy)	Environmentalist idiots call police to report beavers for "illegal logging"	(85)
	On being a Pet Santa: "I've been peed on by dogs, pooped on by birds... But pets still are way easier than kids''	(55)
(ninemsn.com.au)	Attention rest of the world: A train station in Sydney, Australia has found your bees. (with video)	(39)
	Great, now she's never going to shut up	(46)
	Plague of caterpillars that cause allergic reactions make Australian town unliveable. Though it took locals 18 months to complain	(51)
(nbc4i)	Dear Citizen, it has come to our attention that you were pulled over for speeding recently and promptly paid your ticket. I regret to inform you that due to our screwup, you owe us more money. Yours Truly, Ohio	(90)
	Evil terrorist monkey illegally tries to sneak into the country hiding inside a woman's shirt	(26)
(Subby's local comic shop)	Photoshop these kids having way too much fun at a Pokemon Card League event	(38)
	How do you make Times Square safe on New Year's Eve? Easy - give machine guns to 1,000 rookie cops	(210)
(Some Guy)	Today's naked man jumping up and down on the roofs of parked cars before being Tasered brought to you by Austin, Texas	(56)
	Hairspray causes evacuation of theatre	(24)
	Two ugly-assed white lion cubs rescued by rangers in South Africa. The Sun is there with pics	(36)
	Pilots are pissed that A380 super-jumbo jet is so quiet they can't sleep. "The four engines propelling the long-haul jets are so quiet they can hear every crying baby, snoring passenger and flushing toilet"	(82)
	Old and busted: You find a parking ticket on your windshield. New hotness: A polite note explaining that the huge bloody hole in your windshield is because someone jumped off a building and by the way, he had AIDS. Bonus: Car parked on Fell St	(118)

Mon December 08, 2008

	No, my luggage does not contain agricultrual products, unless by that you mean charred monkeys"	(49)
(10tv.com)	Protip: If you're leading cops on a foot chase after robbing a gas station, it's not recommended that you attempt to break into the highway patrol training academy to hide	(16)
(Some Diskhead)	Photoshop this Ultimate poster	(55)
	Australian Government to help families survive financial crisis by handing out cash bonuses to pensioners and families with children. Fark: sales of plasma TVs set to skyrocket	(77)
	California homosexuals urged to "call in gay" to work on Wednesday. In other news, Abercrombie locations across California will be closed Wednesday	(385)
	If your eyes are bigger than your appetite, it'll cost you at this New York restaurant	(166)
	The Pulitzer Prize board changes rules to make online news organizations and more Internet content eligible. [citation needed]	(40)
	Should a 14-year-old boy be branded a sex offender for grabbing girls' buttocks and boobs, licking a girl's neck and tickling a girl's stomach?	(644)
	Never stand behind a car being driven by the woman you're currently divorcing	(44)
(Some Illinoyed)	Illinois Governor clearly has no understanding of how the news media operates	(177)
(MotorTrend)	Star Wars fans salivate over this Honda concept car that looks like a Clone Trooper helment, dreaming of Mom dropping them off at LARPing events and being the envy of everyone	(167)
	Today's Mutilated Metaphor: "Now the piper is coming home to roost. We have to pay that piper." Submitter's Chocolate of Common Sense just got in this idiot's Peanut Butter of Mangled Metaphors	(115)
(Some Guy)	"Court of Appeal Rules Couple Living Apart Not Living Together." Obvious tag curls up in corner, whimpering	(17)
(Some Grad Student)	Man conducts study to find if "testosterone makes us think we're funny or that science news sites will publish anything that sounds authentic."	(34)
	Tow truck drivers face felony charges for towing away car with child inside. Dumbass tag for mom who left her kid in the running, unlocked, double-parked car long enough for it to get towed away	(93)
	Adventurous seals move en-masse to air force target practice zone. Bonus: Flying chiefs promise not to AIM at them (wink wink)	(37)
	Man blames sheep for causing fire that destroyed his workshop. Also blames sheep for ruining his marriage	(28)
	Webmaster of "Thank You George W. Bush" site racing to remove fail-related comments	(713)
	More awkward than when Michael Jackson kissed Lisa Marie Presley, or any woman, for that matter: George Bush plants a wet one on Barbra Streisand (video)	(84)
	Coyote removed from a Sears Appliance & Hardware store. Was trying to purchase goods from the Acme Corporation	(41)
	A rundown of some of the bizarre questions asked by applicants to top British universities this year, including, "What would you do if you were a magpie?"	(117)
	'Butt bandit,' recent winner of the Worst Choice of Nickname contest, going to jail	(53)
	Coming up next, is high-fructose corn syrup responsible for making you fat? A new study reveals that no, it is not	(245)
	The Top 10 Movies that should have rocked but didn't	(581)
	Seven dumbest things ever done by airport security. Allowing Cracked list on planes surprisingly not on list	(157)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this very happy man	(121)
	Avocados save skydiver's life	(45)
	Former State Rep. convicted of soliciting oral sex for $20 from a cop has lost his appeal. He's now willing to do it for a lot less	(37)
	NBC might scale back programming hours, tries to blame the industry instead of "Knight Rider" and "Crusoe"	(124)
(Some Guy)	The 1939 Radio Shack catalog	(159)
	Let me just park this F18 right here in your neighborhood	(335)
	Two teachers arrested on drug charges bringing the HISD total to 11 on the year and giving them a nice bump to #1 in the coolest teachers rankings	(33)
	Freak accident kills horseback rider. Many equestrians remain	(73)
	British policewoman "entertained up to 20 clients a week" as £100-an-hour hooker. In related news, the British spend way too much on ugly hookers. Oh yes, there are pics	(154)
(Some Guy)	Convicted rapist's mother swears a media conspiracy and not, y'know, all the rapin' is making her son look bad	(54)
	Headlines of the Week, 12/1 - 12/7, with a weather report thrown in by Drew for good measure	(34)
	Obama says gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in. Because obviously people acting on impluse to buy guns because Obama was elected will listen to him when he says he won't take them	(717)
	Stephane Dion, the guy who was going to be Canada's next PM, then got defeated in an election, resigned, and was going to be Canada's next PM again before Parliament was suspended, will resign on Wednesday	(285)
(Some Guy)	Someone set up a web site where you can thank President Bush for his 8 years of service. This should end well	(575)
	This product is a product I endorse... on my hat	(33)
	Real Men of Genius: Today we salute you, Mr. "Forgets ID while Fleeing Underage Girl's Bedroom" Guy	(75)
	Greece prepares for third day of rioting. Holiday shopping over there is serious business	(67)
	Brits decide that filtering Wikipedia was too harsh, lift ban on site. HAHAHA just kidding, they want to censor Amazon too	(190)
	Tribune company to celebrate Cubs second century of losing by declaring bankruptcy	(39)
	French President Sarkozy surren...err...ups the ante in his tiff with China and praises the Dalai Lama	(36)
	That whole "Micheal Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day" thing reported over and over by the media during the Olympics? Yeah, not so much	(115)
	There are some cameras that you shouldn't automatically smile and wave to	(58)
	I'm sorry to inform you that your Czech has bounced	(48)
	This just in: People like to look at mug shots. It's not Romero, it's CNN	(49)
	Is that a corn dog in your pants, or have you already implanted the catheter to prepare yourself for all that stolen beer you're going to drink?	(33)
	Man spends $7500 to dispute $115 parking ticket in NYC because he "got nothing else to do"	(47)
(Awful Announcing)	Fox apologizes for airing penis on national television	(162)
	School tours cancelled after students watch autopsy. Gnarly	(126)
	SWAT team surrounds Boston police officer's home after hearing reports that she was seen buying toys for poor children	(90)
	Days after doing their best Baghdad Bob impersonation, Pakistani security forces arrest suspected Mumbai plotter	(14)
	US has charged a man with "providing material support for terrorism" because he stored a suitcase belonging to an Al-qaida operative at his house. The contents of suitcase? Ponchos and waterproof socks	(184)
	Obama talks; stocks up 300 points. Wait 'til he farts	(101)
	Puppies save boy from freezing while lost in the woods. Your puppy wants a Hero tag	(135)
	Man sues group that claimed on its website that he wasn't circumsized. And that's just the tip of the story	(76)
	Global warming has turned barrier islands from crumbling piles of sand into crumbling piles of sand	(75)
	Deadly, incurable vanilla fungus hits Madagascar. Word to your mother	(85)
	Farker goes on TV to slam TV weather hype. Bonus: includes video of a walrus playing a saxophone	(146)
	Blackwater guards to be placed on trial after all	(149)
	Merrill Lynch Chief Executive John Thain does the right thing and says he won't accept any kind of bonus while people are being laid off. Just joking, the douchebag asks for $10 million bonus - that's about a dollar a fark up	(177)
	SCOTUS decides Obama is an American Muslim terrorist. Glad that's out of the way	(1321)
	OJ Simpson prepares for prison by reading standard DOC pamphlet "Your sphincter and you"	(119)
(The Indy Channel)	Remember when we were kids and our moms would hold us down and write swear words on our foreheads with a crayon? Good times, good times	(53)
	Welcome to the slowest news month of the year: annual news story of "the most stolen cars in the U.S."	(70)
	"While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution"	(50)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these kids digging in	(41)
	Beating off competition from the likes of "a jar of bull semen" and "100 snails", the humble camel is named this year's top charity Christmas gift	(39)
(Some Guy)	"I can't believe I got my ass kicked by two girls"	(66)
	Emma Watson announces that she would "go naked for the right role", unfortunately she isn't counting the scripts that subby has been sending	(290)
	When it comes to putting together IKEA furniture, women perform better than men. Presumably because they don't stop and giggle for ten minutes at each instruction to "insert tab A into slot B"	(124)
	Meet the woman who has found her perfect job. With pic which strongly suggests she doesn't swallow. (SFW)	(72)
	Japan Railways unveils "Please do it at home" slogan to beg increasingly rude commuters not to apply makeup, eat noodles, or shave on board	(84)
	Blood alcohol tester pulled over for drunk driving on her way to test suspect's blood alcohol content. No word on results of blood irony content	(15)
	Researchers say 90% of adults pray. Some say they are sure God exists and others pray simply to cover the bases	(227)
	"Stringy things in eggs may look weird but are harmless." Mainstream media apparently still adjusting to post-election news cycle slowdown	(35)
(The Courier-Journal)	Pair launches campaign to encourage youths to pull up their pants. Plumbers said to be next on the campaign	(30)
	Official in charge of keeping Massachusetts ports free of illegal immigrants arrested for hiring illegal immigrants	(39)
(Some Guy)	Pro tip: If a police officer tells you it's okay to smoke during a traffic stop -- he's assuming you do not mean marijuana	(42)
	"I just can't equate my offense with the guy in my therapy sessions who raped his 5-year-old stepson," says lifetime registered sex offender. When 32, he had sex with his 16-year-old future wife and mother of his three children	(200)
	That photoshop you have of Lisa Simpson blowing Milhouse ? Yep, it's child porn	(257)
(You Decide)	...or Idiot?	(191)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this wind-whipped white wonderland	(49)