Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-12-07 23:59:59'

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Sun December 07, 2008

	If you're going to steal the church collection plate be sure the priest isn't also a marathon runner	(12)
	Danish CEO wanted for fraud turns self in to Los Angeles police, escapes death when officers figure out he doesn't have a cream cheese center	(15)
	After mother yells "My baby, my baby", man rushes into a burning building to save a baby trapped on the 2nd floor. So cliché	(63)
(Some New Amsterdamer)	Christmas time traditions: eggnog, presents, caroling, and you can't forget the special "Christmas Quiz" by none other than Bill O'Rielly	(68)
	Fear produces more fear and inhibits sound decision-making processes. EVERYBODY PANIC	(65)
	Why the proliferation of sexual abuse lawsuits has made men unwilling to volunteer for just about anything where children are in the same area code, let alone the same building. Tag is for this society	(239)
	Mom bans her son from playing Nintendo's Scrabble because she doesn't want him to know that "tits" is a word. Um, mom...he already knows	(86)
	Riot squad, police helicopter, and K-9 units dispatched to deal with 600-person brawl outside Sydney pub, resulting in 3 arrests. That's some damn fine police work there, Bruce. And Bruce. And you too, Bruce	(38)
	UN: Rich countries should give $130 billion to poor countries so their leaders can spend it on fancier palac- we mean "global warming prevention"	(66)
	Smoker fined for littering after his cigarette was knocked from his hand in scuffle as he was helping police subdue a shoplifter. "No excuses will be accepted"	(143)
	If you recently donated a pair of boots to a Milwaukee thrift store, you might be a colossal dumbass	(78)
	Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli: "...the majority of the Senators said that ... they've got 60, 70, 80,000 miles. The comment was you guys are making them too good and therefore, we're not buying vehicles ... "	(308)
	Photoshop theme: Rejected role playing games	(69)
	Nobel prize winner says the Internet might have stopped Hitler. Is there anything it can't do?	(87)
	Siskel and Ebert's review of "A Christmas Story". Siskel: "I wonder if anyone will go see this"	(167)
(Florida Today)	You stroll out of your home and, lo and behold, you find a baggie of pot right there on your driveway. What do you do? Decisions, decisions	(118)
	By mid-career, median philosophy major paid more than chemistry major. SNAP	(170)
	Ugly-assed twin elephants born in Nepal Zoo. The Sun has the aww pics for you	(20)
(Some Guy)	Best Amazon review you'll see in the next 47 minutes	(74)
	Revolutionary study concludes that losing your job makes you more likely to stay home	(49)
	Hotels reveal strangest requests. Submitter's request for three coconuts, a banjo and a picture of Linda Hunt didn't make the list	(52)
	Car Czar proposed for auto industry bailout. The War on Cars has begun	(123)
	In an effort to break a terrorism group, Maryland police admit that they bugged a silent vigil held by a group of Catholic nuns	(110)
	Non'trée (nŏn-trā'): Downwardly-mobile restaurant guest forced to consume appetizers in hope of saving money while maintaining lifestyle. In related news, waiters can be pretty clever when they're not being snooty	(154)
	New food source in these troubled economic times: pigeon. "The small birds can make a great alternative to turkey at Christmas" (pic)	(75)
	Sixteen-year-old gets college degree in just two years. Expected to be named junior assistant manager AND man the fry station at McDonalds	(100)
	Britain accused of planning an invasion of Zimbabwe. This is not a repeat headline from 1888	(92)
(Some Guy)	Cop's lawyer invokes the Benny Hill defense and claims the videotape showing his client brutalizing a woman was doctored and sped up	(69)
(The Chronicle Telegram)	The library director who said "if a library doesn't have something that offends, it's not doing its job" over the crazy Santa display has decided they have been doing their job a little to well and yanks the display	(43)
(KTLA)	Jack Sparrow actors at Disneyland get the ol' heave ho for being too sexy. Fark: after being flashed by teen girls. UltraFark: replaced by fairies	(112)
(Sunday Mail)	Those twelve rescue/engine apparatus you just bought for the fire service? Yeah, um, there's just one minor detail we forgot to mention	(42)
(WOAI)	Today's teacher arrested for sexual contact with a student brought to you by San Antonio, Texas. (With "Hey, she was 18, so fark it" pic)	(127)
	Iran claims it could shut down the Strait of Hormuz with its new surface-to-surface photoshop technology	(140)
	Comcast technician saves six people from burning building, then visits customer to take a well-deserved nap on the couch	(38)
	You gotta love an article that begins, "A hooker and a Baptist minister having sex in a seedy motel room, where a camera was hidden in a clock radio"	(38)
(Some Guy)	Hells Angels transfer large sum of money from the hookers and blow account into newly formed legal defense fund (with "we so bad" photo)	(78)
	Public warned not to eat Irish pork, especially the McRib	(75)
(themorningnews .org)	Photoshop this partial plane	(56)
	Sidewalk solicitors in NYC purporting to collect money for the homeless are pocketing the funds themselves. In other news, sky is blue and snow is wet	(61)
	Thief steals St. Nicolas Day presents from two households. Police searching for a green, furry individual riding a sled pulled by a tiny dog with huge antlers strapped to its head	(24)
	Pollution causes smaller penises. Vicious cycle for Hummer drivers	(128)
	Looking for work? How well do you know wieners?	(44)
	Court OKs diaper evidence at astronaut's trial. Will she win? Depends	(45)
(azfamily.com)	Both Jesus and the Virgin Mary have been spotted in the Phoenix-area. Even stranger, the locals aren't surprised. "She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it's something she wants us to celebrate."	(61)
	12/07/41. Remember Pearl Harbor	(352)
(Albany Times Union)	Nearly 50% of students end up vomiting during the language department's "Bring your favorite dish to class day". No mas, por favor	(53)
	Researchers devise mathematical formula for procrastinators to work out their chances of overcoming their weakness. You would have gotten around to this... eventually. The science can wait until tomorrow	(30)
(some Yat)	If you're a famous New Orleans TV/radio sportscaster planning on murdering your wife, it's probably best not to leave a handwritten checklist for the deed in your FEMA trailer	(35)
	Is our geniuses gone?	(254)
	Virgin hitman pleads guilty for accepting cash & crack in exchange for shooting at the engineers of two commuter trains, neither of which was his target. This is why nobody makes crackhead hitman movies	(31)
	Hey kids, wanna get out of class AND not have to deal with your parents? Have I got a solution for you	(42)
	American chopper pilots in Afghanistan may have mistaken scores of sheep for Taliban fighters	(76)
	Photoshop this equation expert	(61)
	New Jersey communities begin charging drivers up to $2,500 for accident-related spill cleanup, and if you think that's a bit much you can take it up with Louie No-Nose from the state legislature's waste-haulage subcommittee	(38)
	Man:0, Wild:1	(345)
(Some Guy)	In the movies, one twin is always athletic and popular while the other one twin is geeky and shy. On Fark, both twins are psychotic arsonists	(44)

Sat December 06, 2008

(Kenosa News)	The dumbest joke that you will probably ever read wins $3,000 grand prize from Reader's Digest	(559)
	Workers take over Chicago factory. Because company's creditor (bailout welfare whore Bank Of America) says not to pay them	(205)
	TV medical dramas cause people to avoid hospitals. HMO's lobby congress for more medical dramas on network television	(67)
(Some Guy)	Caption this SNAFU	(100)
(XKCD)	Submitter's love life, nicely summarized in a 13-panel comic strip	(344)
	Once a week for one year, filmmaker ties camera around cat's neck to document its life. Out of the 20,000 photos taken, 73 were interesting	(82)
	It's December and so begins the flood of "polar bear plunge" stories. (With, for once, a nice looking woman in a bikini instead of a big fat guy in a speedo pic)	(108)
	Ways to greenify your holidays. Two words: reindeer stew	(39)
(Some Guy)	Good news: Texas A&M offers free tuition program for incoming freshmen. Bad news: you still have to live in College Station	(123)
	Football hooligans starting awfully young these days. An 8-year-old boy has already earned a lifetime ban from playing soccer locally because of his "aggressive behavior"	(31)
	Australian authorities may add third or even fourth gender as means of sexual identification. "Sheep shagger" still waiting for recognition	(115)
	Sunny von Bulow, 76, finally dies 28 years after getting a nasty little present from Claus	(57)
	Photoshop this La Paz putt	(58)
(Some Guy)	Max Planck Institute Journal focuses on China, asks reporter for "elegant Chinese poem" for cover. What they printed: ad for Chinese strip club	(61)
	Ugly-ass flying foxes rescued. (They really are kinda ugly)	(63)
(Evening Sun)	Man claims "he had permission from the FAA to test brakes" when he got busted doing donuts on an airport runway. As a matter of fact, yes, alcohol was involved	(21)
	To prove that the cops routinely lie and use illegal tactics to justify drug raids, Barry Cooper set up some fully legal grow lamps in his house. His lawyer and the cameras were waiting when the police barged in less than 24 hours later	(617)
(Some Guy)	If a guy on a lonely country road at midnight flashes his lights to get you to pull over, don't do it. If you pull off the road anyway, and he walks up to your car with his hoodie up and his face covered, you should probably drive off	(64)
(some fine police work, Lou)	Ohio police storm a farmhouse, hold a couple and their grandchildren at gunpoint for nine hours. Was it for (a) a drug operation (b) conspiracy for terrorism or (c) some licensing complaint about running a food co-op?	(85)
	Farmer grows 25-pound potato. "It's the first time I've seen anything like it." Slow news day (pic)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Drew's disembodied head fights unicorns on the Fark level of the strangest game ever created	(114)
	"London Bridge is falling down..." No, wait it's the Brandenburg Gate	(19)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Tacoma police are looking for a bank robber who fired shots in the air. Describe him as a short man, wearing a hat, with a long red moustache	(36)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Atheists place a sign near a nativity at the state Capitol, Bill O'Reilly goes nuts, theists steal the sign, an Elf shows up to pass out business cards, there's a festivus pole, and then things get weird	(622)
(radioactive)	♫ ♩ Well I'm not uptight ♪ ♫ Not unattracted ♪ Turn me on tonight ♬ ♪ Cause I'm radioactive.... Radioactive ♬	(47)
	Massive secret mustang junkyard found in Rhode Island forest	(126)
	"People know I'm blind and when they see me up a stepladder doing the lights. I can tell in their voices they're a little panicked" He should see the look on his guide dog's face	(42)
	Kansas City's Secret Santa has begun his rounds of health clinics and shelters passing out $100 bills. Bonus: this year he's franchised to St. Louis	(28)
	The good old days: when beating your wife because she served stale coffee was considered a solid advertising campaign	(153)
	This is really not a good time to prank-call the president of Pakistan and tell him India is going to attack. So just don't do it	(56)
	Obama ponders what to do with $30 million left over in his war chest. However, if he blows it all in just 30 days, he'll actually get $300 million	(148)
	Photoshop this podium scene	(64)
	Daschle asks Americans for health care stories. Well, there's this little pimply thing on the head of my... oh, wait, sorry, wrong story	(86)
	Saudi Arabians get outraged because Americans were hired to redesign Mecca. Which is surprising since they never seem to get outraged about anything, ever	(99)
	Charlie don't surf -- but maybe Achmed will when he gets a load of these biatchin' boards	(50)
	During robbery, gunman forces store manager to undress so he won't follow the suspect. Which is usually a clever tactic, but not when robbing a clothing store	(9)
	Should Atari ever bow to public pressure and release a new version of Paperboy, they should plan on adding "anti-terror police" to the obstacles you might face	(39)
	There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch	(75)
	Forget the cabinet picks. The Chosen One chooses his Inaugural tuxedo	(64)
	Our precious snowflakes need to be taken down a couple of notches and be told that they ain't all that	(267)
	Dear Santa, this year please bear in mind that I should be presumed innocent until proven guilty	(30)
	Wearing a Britney Spears schoolgirl outfit in public is no way to go through life, especially when you're a 59-year-old man. The Sun is there with "The goggles, they do nothing" pic	(58)
	Fluffy the cat spends three months lost in Yellowstone wilderness, is home in time for Caturday	(410)
	A pointy rock on the floor of a cave may suggest climate was the cause of the Roman Empire collapsing	(94)
	News: Man bleeds to death. Fark: From picking his nose too much	(64)
	Old & busted: black velvet Jesus. New hotness: black velvet Obama...nude and riding a unicorn	(55)
	The hospital crunch in Australia is so bad, men and women are sharing the same rooms. "I said to the nurse: 'Look, it's embarrassing.'"	(42)
	If you are in a locked prison cell, setting fire to it is probably not the smartest thing you can do	(26)
	Alien ships masked by clouds approach Mt. Rainer (pics)	(75)
	Photoshop this silhouette amidst circles	(44)
	Homeless guy arrested after telling Salvation Army volunteer "If you don't stop ringing that bell, I am going to shove it up your a--"	(122)
	Most conclusive evidence yet about how tough things are getting in America: sales of Spam are soaring	(137)
	Congress and White House reach agreement for $15 billion bailout for Big 3 automakers	(879)

Fri December 05, 2008

	Cheapest woman alive celebrates Christmas with an 80-year-old tree sadder than Charlie Brown's, bought at Woolworths for 3 old pence in 1929	(70)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this near-pristine park scene	(74)
	White teacher binds two black students to teach the class about slavery. Jewish students seen changing classes before the Holocaust chapter	(131)
	Mailing a letter to your congressman can sometimes get you your way. But not if that letter threatens to decapitate him and is stained with blood	(31)
	Car maker unveils a vehicle powered by household garbage. However, it can only reach 88 mph	(63)
	Three million Muslims in Mecca for annual hajj, stampede	(318)
	TSG's Friday mugshot roundup: Bail me out	(231)
	Cops raid an elderly couple's home after mistaking the aroma of garden moss for marijuana. "Give us the weed man"	(50)
	The Guardian, always a bastion of hard-hitting journalism, pores over publicly available documents and thinks it has discovered President Bush's deep, dark secret: He can't swim. Their evidence? His new house doesn't have a pool	(49)
(Lincoln JournalStar)	If you live in Nebraska and can't remember buying a Canadian Lottery ticket, you should probably think twice about cashing that check for $4980... and then sending most of it to Houston to pay 'taxes'	(40)
	Interstate Bakeries cleared to exit bankruptcy - Will rise to the occasion, and make some dough. I thought they were toast. Twinkie	(41)
	Wife in the middle of a bitter divorce uses her husband's $1000 bottle of wine to make a spaghetti sauce. "I'd never seen Tony cry before."	(229)
(Radio Exile)	Official Timeline To Coldplay Ripping Everybody Off	(135)
	Bill O'Reilly to stop doing his radio talk show "The Radio Factor." When asked how he felt about leaving, he said he falafel	(170)
	Mug shot of the 19-y-o stripper arrested for assault after throwing shoe at woman who called her the "C-word"	(148)
(Some Drag Racer)	Bad: Thieves steal your Audi's wheels and leave it up on blocks. Worse: The city drags it to the impound lot, doing $20,000 worth of damage	(98)
	Woman divorces husband so she can afford life-saving cancer surgery, but must endure jokes about how she already got rid of a 200-pound tumor (pic)	(105)
	Headline of the Year contest gearing up - accepting nominations. See the post that is first	(255)
	Think your ancestors were taken and sold as slaves? Now you can look it up in the new Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade database. Really	(220)
	Government relaxes ban on concealed firearms in national parks as more and more Americans fear for the safety of their pic-a-nic baskets	(266)
	China successfully launches "hybrid" rocket. It was crossed with a poodle, which makes it a rocketdoodle	(70)
(Hampton Roads)	Three arraigned for attempted robbing of Civil War grave-or is this a mere smokescreen for Lincoln's pre-emptive illegal, immoral war against the sovereign states of the Confederacy?	(81)
	It's time for the annual "Whose the biggest assclown attention whore contest: Atheists or Theists?"	(379)
	Blogger spends a year doing everything Oprah told her. Now her life is perfect	(62)
	"Officer, I was just going undercover. I heard that that Sen. Craig was going to be here in this restroom and I just wanted a picture, honest"	(30)
(Bye-bye OJ)	Caption what OJ is thinking as he is sentenced to 6 years in prison	(197)
	Today's made up media word of the day concerning teen behavior - "sexting"	(99)
	2008 is the coolest year of the decade according to climate scientists. 2001 voted most uncool	(255)
(Some Guy)	College newspaper refuses to apologize for column suggesting if gay marriage were legalized, people would be marrying sheep next, even though they would	(344)
	Morbidly obese dog freezes to Wisconsin sidewalk, survives. Your dog wants propylene glycol	(78)
(Some Guy)	If you are reading this headline, the punishment is death	(108)
	Turns out that in Montgomery County, it is a crime to sell Christmas trees prior to Dec. 5. Meet the folks who found out the hard way	(71)
	Congressmen in favor of auto bailout found to have ties to GM. Romero on the scene	(90)
(Some Ho. Ho ho)	Remember yesterday's crappy Christmas UK theme park? Meet its soon-to-be-shut-down cousin	(20)
	The X Most Blankiest Somethings in the History of Whatever. Still no cure for Cracked lists	(66)
(Political Wire)	Obama speechwriter caught groping Hillary Clinton -- or at least a cardboard cut out of her	(105)
(Some Guy)	Conservative Republican upset because new $621 million capitol visitor center is a huge waste if taxpayer money. Just kidding: he's really upset because it doesn't mention God enough	(266)
	Photoshop Triple Play: Yoda, Yoga, and Yogi	(48)
	Managing editor of NRO calls for an end to divisive and intellectually dishonest opinion journalism. No, really. This isn't a joke	(171)
	Witness uses the "N" word and landmark tobacco case ends in mistrial. Dumbass tag would beat Florida tag to a pulp if it could stop coughing long enough	(72)
(Some Dog)	Apparently barking at the judge during your robbery/murder hearing no longer work in court. "I'm going to consider your bark as an acknowledgment that you understand what I just told you."	(44)
	If you are thinking of going crazy and living in a state nut hut, don't do it in Texas	(89)
(toptenz)	Top 10 useless college degrees. Subby's school got the honorable mention (link comes and goes; post with full list moved to top of thread)	(430)
	NY health officials: "Marijuana is holding you back." Public: "That's like, your personal opinion, man"	(144)
(Some Guy)	"Hey, man, I just killed this guy. Can you order me a pizza? Thanks"	(28)
	In case you didn't have enough reasons to avoid marriage, feel free to add "incurs the wrath of Poseidon" to your list	(84)
	Here's a thought if you're a centigenarian entertainer trying repair your soiled reputation in Europe maybe you should skip the reminiscing 'bout the good ol' days when you were Hitler's drinking buddy	(46)
(Q13 FOX News Seattle)	Atheist sign disappears from Capitol, turns up at local radio station. Nope, nothing suspicious there	(921)
(Reading Eagle)	Actual headline: "Wily coyote on the loose." Last seen launching out of giant slingshot	(46)
	US Attorney in Pittsburgh: "I don't care who's President. I appoint myself to the next term." Yes, she's the one who hired Monica Goodling. Why do you ask?	(118)
	Former running back to become former tight end	(429)
	The repeal of Prohibition provided the government with much-needed tax revenue during the Great Depression. If only there were other commodities that could be legalized and taxed similar to alcohol	(224)
(Some Topless Robot Guy)	The 10 most disturbing puppets ever shown on TV. Subby forgot all about #2 when he was a kid	(202)
	Today's Sign of God: Jesus Appears on Les Paul Electric Guitar. Opening Bid: $200	(59)
	Man was fined $500 and sentenced to 60 hours of community service for starting a $37 million fire that destroyed 30 homes	(42)
	Virgin Mary in Florida woman's brain scan. Actual brain nowhere to be found	(35)
	Stephen Colbert calls on audience to topple Kanye West's album from the top of the charts on ITunes. And whaddaya know, he did it	(207)
(comcast.net)	When you turn 26 years old, it's still not ok to attack a speed camera with a pick axe	(54)
	In a revelation that will surely shock everyone, bartender says Plaxico Burress was acting like a jerk before he shot himself. "Burress was an ass."	(118)
	DC estimates five million for Inauguration Day. That many people crowding the National Mall (146 acres) gives each person 1.27 sq. ft. to stand in -- just about the size of the length of your shoes. Nothing could possibly go wrong here	(134)
	Surprising and shocking everyone, a study commissioned by "Mayors Against Illegal Guns" just happens to conclude that states with lax gun laws have more gun violence	(111)
	Experts worry that German newspaper's 'Cheap cameras for amateur reporters' offer will threaten quality journalism. Because it takes years of training to lay in a gutter photographing Lindsay Lohan's crotch	(43)
(Some Guy)	EPA proposes tax on farting cows	(56)
	Bavaria: land of great beer and Krampus the Christmas demon who looks like Hellboy and scares bad children. Now THIS is how to celebrate Christmas. throws horns up	(176)
	Royal Agricultural College pays £6,000 compensation after students "rape" village, marking a change from livestock	(45)
	ABC to air reality show about the Department of Homeland Security. It will be an hour of paperwork, union-mandated breaks, and puzzled looks while illegals cross the border	(61)
	This article started out as the annual "underprivileged kid writes to Santa, gets his/her wish" story, but turns into a "the economy blows so Christmas is going to suck this year" story	(58)
(Some New Mexican)	Some Fark headlines write themselves: "Man accused of break-in, poking estranged wife's pies"	(42)
	Get off my lawn or I'll let you have it with my new prescription handgun	(85)
	Carcasses hanging from the ceiling, freezers full of meat, and piles of empty beer cartons. Just another day at this frat house	(48)
	Fire damages famous Hollywood strip club. Engines still responding from as far away as Maine	(32)
	"All of us were anxious to see Jesus. Big Butter Jesus, to be exact." Oleo Lord	(50)
	That de-icing chemical that airports use to prevent heavy ice from accumulating on airplane wings and causing crashes? Yeah, there's probably not enough of that in the country to get through winter. Happy flying	(68)
	Caroline Kennedy may take Hillary's Senate seat, pantsuits	(174)
	Argue with your cousin? check. While drinking? check. Attack him with a machete? check. Florida tag? check	(18)
	American man jailed after violating little-known British driving law, some nonsense about being on the left side of the road or something	(77)
(Some Guy)	St. Louis Alderman for a district with nine homicides in the past ten months formally advises his constituents to start packing heat	(235)
	Trashcan man can keep sliced up money he found. Heard muttering, "My life for glue"	(119)
	Mumbai attacks are giving US cities even more of an excuse to burn through money in an attempt to look like they're doing something to be "secure"	(28)
	Councilman trying to change law so Orioles fans can shout "O" during national anthem. Yeah, who cares about the drug and murder problem?	(115)
	The BBC is shocked, SHOCKED to discover that pupils are using proxy sites to bypass school filters: "if children are accessing harmful sites at school, then what are they doing at home in the privacy of their own bedrooms?"	(179)
(Some Guy)	Today is not the Day of the Ninja. Nope. Not a ninja. Not me. Not today	(80)
	German man faps himself to death	(220)
	Illinois kid charged with playing 'pin the tail on your schoolmates'	(32)
	Texas bible-thumpers' heads asplode over high school musical production of "Rent"	(342)
(Some Puggle)	Photoshop this Merry Christmas family	(62)
	Air rage soars after airlines ban smoking but allow binge drinking. Who could have seen this coming?	(47)
	New atlas reveals how places got their names. Subby wants to visit Breast Hill Castle in the Great Land of the Tattooed	(48)
	75th Anniversary of the only US Amendment to be overturned by another. I'll drink to that	(157)
	Movie theater permits developmentally disabled children to talk back to the screen. They need one for adults, too	(125)
	Man shot dead in Grapevine, at least that's what I heard	(39)
	Justice Department assembles a crack team to prosecute Blackwater guards	(75)
	Today's Fark-ready billboard comes all the way from New Zealand	(64)
	Stripper throws shoe at another woman in shoe store for calling her the "c-word." Difficulty: Guess which c-word she used. (Voting enabled)	(329)
	The world's first zero star hotel has beds for just £6 in converted nuclear bunker	(52)
	"With disposable income scarce this year, giving practical gifts is in vogue. And what could be more useful than a tooth cleaning, or, say, a gynecologist's exam?"	(84)
	Guy stops car in middle of traffic to chase armadillo. Then things get ugly	(42)

Thu December 04, 2008

	The number one rule of transvestite midget fight club is you don't talk about transvestite midget fight club (pic)	(70)
	"Is short hair a signal that a woman is not interested in sex?"	(305)
	Lost Cloud City found in the Andes. Historians think it was built by Ugnaught slave laborers	(94)
	Teen banned from wearing a Christian chastity ring at school. "If people can wear head scarves, why can't I wear a ring?"	(346)
(Thing One)	Photoshop these, um... these, er... these, ah... things	(75)
	Even though it's good for a laugh in Three Stooges shorts, take it from this lady - turns out getting trapped in a foldaway bed can end badly	(55)
	Cruise ship hits iceberg, no this isn't a repeat from 1912	(83)
	If you rode a bus from El Paso, TX to Greeley, CO on August 9, health officials would like a word with you. Remember that coughing, feverish, sweaty guy next to you? Yeah, he had TB	(76)
	Insurance companies warn that 'manbags' are targets for muggers and guys should give them up and get a yambag instead	(87)
	For the second day in a row, a Cincinnati judge has sent someone to jail for farking cussing in court. Fark	(74)
	Conservative members of Episcopal Church try to beat off pro-gay faction, end up with schism on their hands	(112)
	Global shippers are calling for a blockade of the entire 2,400-mile-long Somali coastline. Good luck with that	(182)
(Radio Australia)	If you live down under, you may want to start taking the bus	(41)
	Not News: Teacher fired because of his disciplinary style. News: He made students who were late to class do push-ups. Fark: The school that fired him - Derby Moor Community Sports College	(65)
	Nanny state school moves childrens' Christmas festival to January because it 'clashes with Eid'	(109)
	Some Australians are taking their karaoke critiques a little too seriously. And by seriously we mean hurling molotov cocktails and improvised firebombs at poor performers	(42)
(Some Texter)	Man arranges to meet 15-year-old girl for sex :-( But the "girl" was a police officer. :-O Man claims he was entrapped by officer's use of emoticons in email. :- \| Man now has to guard his (_\|_)	(202)
	Today's female teacher accused of sex with student story brought to you by Howell, NJ. (with I'll be in my bunk pic)	(298)
(Some Confused Guy)	Artist who brought you last year's gingerbread Nazis unveils this year's legless Santa in a wheelchair being pushed down stairs by a crazed Christmas tree. Happy Holidays!(pic)	(73)
(WFAA.com)	Dallas' Preston Hollow mansionized house selectificated as Bush post-Presidential residentitude. As if living in Dallas didn't suck enough	(199)
	Public invited to watch 18th clown fall out of car	(337)
	Man discovers how to make a profit in this poor housing market by selling homes that don't belong to him	(32)
	Boris Gryzlov, a top Kremlin official, says Santa Claus is an imposter and an illegal alien. He urges Santa to get out of the business at once	(49)
(Some Future of Detroit)	That plug-in hybrid Chevy Volt the GM CEO drove to Capitol Hill? Spent most of the trip from Detroit on a flatbed	(381)
	Six gunmen shot by security guards at Delhi airport. TSA agents glower with envy, lube up next little old lady for generous cavity search	(73)
	Behind on your power bills but still planning on blinding neighbors with power-sucking Christmas lights? Thurmont, MD officials will be letting everyone know how much of a deadbeat you are	(72)
	He used hot Vaaaaaaaaaaaseline	(75)
	LBJ Library releases last of his recordings, includes an original a cappella and an amazing cover of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"	(46)
(kvue.com)	Bad idea: smoking pot with your toddler. Worse idea: giving pot to your toddler. Horrible idea: giving pot to your toddler and filming yourself doing it	(140)
(Stupid Videos)	Full Metal Jacket Rudolph (uncensored version, nsfw language)	(51)
	Pro tip: You may want to avoid hiring this guy's tattoo artist	(348)
	If you're going to invite a homeless ex-con to stay with you, you have to expect him to be rude. Especially when you drink your breakfast. But hey, go ahead and shoot him anyway, so we can enjoy your fabulous mug shot	(58)
	Obama bought the election, says guy that bought two elections	(432)
	Stephane Dion, who wants to run a country, can't even deliver his prerecorded speeches on time	(141)
	Spam emails up the ante: "I was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days. ... I might just spare your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend"	(135)
	If you're a wild pig in New Jersey, look out	(55)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this slide assistant	(65)
	In Maryland, when the bridges become unstable and unfit to drive over, you better hope you don't live on the other side	(81)
	What's the latest air travel torture? That's right, it's karaoke. Everybody wing chung tonight	(78)
	Cambridge University students revealed to be a bunch of hard-drinking tail chasers. This is, apparently, a bad thing	(21)
	Female art students more sexually active than male science nerds: study	(188)
	Salvation Army leader to lose his job if he goes through with marriage to non-Salvation Army employee. One of us--ONE OF US	(161)
	Shocking results of new poll show that Prop. 8 supporters tended to be less educated, more religious	(570)
	12-year-old golf prodigy passes away after his lengthy battle with cancer, receives Golf Channel eulogy	(60)
	Kansas chosen as the site for a new biodefense facility despite repeated claims that prayer, intelligent design and protesting funerals are not proven to produce anthrax	(120)
(Some Guy)	Hi everybody, welcome to appendectomy 101...okay now we're just going to make a little incision in the...zZzzZz...eh? Oh, right a little...zZzzZz...And that's how you perform an arm amputation	(40)
	Turns out Chuck E. Cheese is as full of nasty bacteria and viruses as you'd expect a place that caters to masses of screaming snot machines to be	(123)
	Man faces criminal charges for posting negative stuff about his ex on Craigslist in Colorado. The First Amendment cries a little more each day	(171)
(Some Guy)	Federal judge orders that if you have ever paid a red light camera ticket in Texas, you will be getting your money back. Or at least a picture of it	(101)
	Canada's Governor General suspends Parliament in anticipation of post-Christmas sales of sweatervest	(843)
	Free Plaxico Burress. NYC's gun laws are ridiculous and unconstitutional	(633)
	He had a golden nose, a pet dwarf, and made sure his moose was always drunk. Tycho Brahe: Living every Farker's dream lifestyle since 1546	(111)
	News: Father sues school district for teaching religion in school. Fark: Teaching consisted of a scene from "Evan Almighty" to help teach kids animal noises	(388)
	Burglar arrested after police somehow found the criminal mastermind inside his victim's Rubbermaid container	(38)
	Europe's Human Rights Court to Nanny State: Stop being a douchenozzle	(71)
	If you are going to call in sick to work, it's probably not a good idea to rob the place later in the day. Just sayin'	(34)
	Old News: Police arrest and charge Balfour in Hudson murders. News: Cannot prove connection to murder weapon with forensics. Fark: Only actual evidence is testimony of his junkie ex-girlfriend claiming he told her he did it	(48)
	Female karate instructor charged with helping student earn luckiest boy in the world award	(184)
(Some Guy)	Now we know where the missing bees have been hiding: Bees save house from fire	(43)
(Some Guy)	Boston Red Sox fan convicted of battery for beating up a fan in Angel stadium who bopped him on the head with a balloon 'thunderstick' while chanting "Boston sucks." Faces three years of PMITA inflatable thundersticks	(142)
	1) Arrest terrorist, 2) give terrorist light sentence in exchange for cooperation, 3) spend years interrogating and isolating terrorist to the point where he can no longer cooperate, 4) increase sentence because he is no longer cooperative	(70)
(Lohud.com)	Burger joint opens on site of legendary adult bookstore. Don't even ask about the special sauce	(37)
	Surprisingly, "actresses tricked into auditioning for a porn film" is not actually the plot of a porn film	(84)
	Emperor Harper to disband the Senate until the crisis has passed	(573)
(Some Trucker)	Free bacon on I-94 in Maple Grove heading towards Minneapolis	(79)
	A guide to determining if you've got the grit, the gumption, the stones to weather an economic downturn. Although, if you're reading it on USA Today, the answer's probably pre-determined	(34)
	"So do you fancy a drink?" "I don't know... let me just check your blood type"	(59)
	"Please officer, my wife is in labor." "That's no excuse to use the breakdown lane in bumper to bumper traffic. But I will mail you this $100 ticket"	(382)
	Ice cream truck driver shot. Cops still unwrapping every clue	(59)
(Some Guy)	Illinois egg donor agencies offer country's first guarantee. Kind of a double-your-chromosomes-back sort of deal	(35)
	Randy redhead gets three female companions pregnant at the same time, w/smugshot	(103)
(Some Guy)	Drunk driving woman pulls over and punches a man checking his tire pressure on the side of the road because she thought he was a drug dealer (w/ "would you hit it?" mugshot)	(119)
	Photoshop this officer of the peace and quiet	(50)
	Man accused of assaulting his girlfriend multiple times with a McDonald's cheeseburger. I hope he fries	(88)
	How the 2008 election saw the prying open of many cold, dead hands	(946)
	Some are not amused about an al-Qaeda terrorist Lego-man complete with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades	(85)
	On the run from your debts? You can still enlist in the French Foreign Legion	(44)
	Super ants to invade UK gardens. EVERYBODY PICNIC	(48)
	Pro tip: Going on television and admitting to killing 110 children you believed were full of evil spirits will have a NEGATIVE effect on your witchdoctor business	(57)
	Indian Police to use "truth serum" on Mumbai Terrorist - US offers advice on Waterboard Serum, Naked Pyramid Serum, and "Oh, your big snappy dog just ate my balls" Serum	(130)
(Some site)	Tens of thousands of inmates may soon be released from California prisons due to...... spins the wheel...... inadequate medical care	(60)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 187: "Pinhole Camera" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(75)

Wed December 03, 2008

	Annoying college kids protest a beauty contest. "One of the things was that the contestants had to have their waists and breasts measured. I come from quite a rural area and that's what they do to animals"	(120)
	If you've lost your two camels, the Juarez City Policia would like to talk to you	(40)
	Photoshop these birds of a feather	(50)
(Some Guy)	Cops always laugh at stupid teens who take pics of themselves with guns and drugs. Farkers always laugh at stupid cops who take pictures of themselves with topless teens. Not safe for work slideshow	(129)
	Authorities enter foreclosed home to find a man, his mother's skeleton, 26 cats, 3 opossums, and a raccoon. The Aristocrats	(62)
	This is why you always get the new kid to clear the paper jam in the printer	(59)
	Rising costs could eventually put college "out of reach for most Americans" unless they win caddy scholarship	(281)
	Bizarre medical conditions like 'Eyes Clamped Shut' continue to baffle doctors. Still no cure for 'Mouth Stuck Open' girl	(95)
	And now the award for 'Attempt at inspiring headline gone most face-palmingly wrong'	(80)
	Burger King goes to poorest parts of the world and conduct taste tests to "watch burger virgins take the first bite." Turns out, most impoverished villagers recoiled in disgust and horror	(510)
	Man reunited with class ring after 21 years of safe keeping by a largemouth bass. Man immediately stuffs ring into dresser drawer, never to look at it again	(48)
	Phillip Morris is still arguing that just because you smoke every day and can't quit doesn't mean you're addicted to tobacco	(87)
	US giving Mexico nearly $200 million in anti-drug funds. Thank goodness there's no rampant corruption there to worry about or that might be a bad idea	(58)
	A credit union employee is handed coins covered in mysterious white powder. Does he: a) run away screaming; b) calmly back away and call authorities; c) lick the powder off?	(50)
(KTAR)	Today's reason for why your child is going to die this Holiday season..."Accidental Poisoning". Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the "Electrocution" article	(14)
	Another sign of the bad economy: Divorced couples living together. On the plus side, this sounds like the plot of a bad 70's sitcom with Larry Hagman and Dick Gautier	(71)
	The wreath...The wreath...The wreath is on fire	(51)
(WOODTV)	School district replaces "F" grades with "H". Must stand for "heckuva job, student"	(117)
	Not News: DOT closes Interstate and redirects traffic during construction. Nevada Fark News: Traffic will be redirected into a casino parking lot	(27)
	Santa Claus' Gmail Account Exposed, Shows Subscription to Elfbang.com, George W. Bush Wishlist, Correspondence With Satan	(34)
	"Che" biopic trailer is up, starring Benicio Del Toro. A new generation is set to learn that he was Castro's right hand man and a filthy commie war criminal. No word if the last scene is him begging like a dog for his life	(253)
	Glasgow music fest kicks off this week with Human League, Heaven 17 and ABC. Rick Astley, Erasure, Talk Talk, BlancMange, The Vapors and Glass Tiger are feeling terribly left out and wish they could perform their one good song too	(71)
	Lousiana wins title of Unhealthiest State, may change name to Lardassiana	(168)
	Cleveland television meterologist thinks global warming is a fraud. That settles it, then	(356)
	Family of the man crushed to death in a stampede at Wal-Mart decide nothing can help their grief more than suing anyone and everyone they can	(272)
	In a stunning reversal, UAW president says they may agree to having some of their members not be paid for doing absolutely nothing	(385)
(Bradenton Herald)	If you are trying to get out of a DUI manslaughter arrest, giggling during your field sobriety test is not the best strategy	(42)
(Fire Dog Lake)	George Bush blames the economic turmoil on decisions that were made "a decade or so before I arrived." That would be 1990, in the middle of the other failed Bush presidency	(452)
	Titusville man gets four years for sexually assaulting dog. He thanks the judge, but says he really only needs 20 minutes, tops	(50)
	More effective weapon: samurai sword or a bottle of sherry? What if these are the worst samurais ever and the guy wielding the sherry is a 68-year-old hardcore postal worker?	(41)
	Jack Black is Jesus Christ. Was there ever any doubt?	(82)
	Newborn baby found abandoned in the manger of a church Nativity scene. Jesus Christ	(55)
	If you're missing a thong or Boulder High School cheerleaders outfit, police want to talk to you about the guy they arrested named Cox	(47)
(News Net 5, GO)	Ohio police find skull, unlock achievement	(32)
	"Chrysler exec: failure could spark depression." In other news, Philip Morris warns quitting smoking now greatly reduces your chance of looking cool	(205)
	Remember the pizza delivery man-turned-robber with bomb locked to his neck? One convicted, while female mastermind awaits sanity decision	(67)
	Pizzeria trying, to make some doe, butchers deer. Health dept. says "What the buck?"	(52)
	DC wants Obama to use Taxation Without Representation license plates, Keep Off My Ass bumper sticker, on presidential limo	(104)
	Six people arrested for smuggling ivory, now facing up to 99.44 years in prison	(89)
	A top 10 list of Fark submissions that weren't greenlit	(405)
	Harvard's endowment loses $8 Billion, if only there was some sort of Business School they could go to	(55)
	Have a hankering to see the Rudolph or Frosty TV special you loved from the past while curled up on the couch with a hot cup of Bosco? Here's the schedule for December	(133)
(Some Guy)	Mobile, AL is already making plans to ring in the new year by eating the worlds largest Moon Pie	(58)
	Wacky Middle-Easterners think Israel was responsible for 9/11, Saudi Arabia will bail out the U.S. economy in exchange for a U.S invasion of Iran, and - get this - Obama is a secret Muslim	(211)
	GM and Chrysler warn: 'There's no plan-b.' Well, perhaps they should have used a condom	(297)
	Even Bible thumpers think we should get rid of "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. "Under God" was response to godless Communists. What of "godly" terrorists?	(372)
(Daily News-Record)	Chick gets laid for the first time at age 34 and the whole town is in an uproar because it was in the back of a car	(242)
	Knut, the uglyass white polar bear cub who garnered international attention, is now a grubby brown colour and no longer draws the crowds. Zoo hopes to move him since he is too large to flush down the toilet	(78)
	1st person to make FBI's Ten Most Wanted list twice dies of old age	(34)
	Stephen Harper to address the nation tonight. Drinking game words include: "unpatriotic", "power grab", "anti-democratic", "legitimate", "sweatervest"	(882)
	US Customs Service to use Predator drones to patrol border between US and Canada in effort to reduce smuggling of poutine, backbacon, Celine Dion-wannabes	(88)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these men with a lot on the line	(62)
	Daring nanny saves 2-year-old from Mumbai tragedy. Something in subby's eye prevents him from seeing the Fran Drescher joke	(89)
	World's oldest living animal discovered after he is pictured in 1900 photograph wearing an onion on his belt	(80)
	Critter you neither heard of nor even seen a picture of is the first mammal extinction from global warming	(196)
	Hiring 700,000 2010 Census takers who will earn $13 to $17 an hour. In a preview of government jobs plan, interview room fills to capacity, dozens are turned away as room fills even before scheduled start time	(86)
	Facebook disables Lindsay Lohan's account. Thankfully, her Fark account is still secure	(183)
	Russia's "Up Yours, America" tour continues as Russian warship crosses Panama Canal for first time since WWII	(119)
	Police: Mussmacher found as methmaker because of markmaker	(17)
	Man who drove through a drive-thru McDonalds restaurant at 60mph seriously expects to get his driving licence back	(35)
	It's time for this year's "NORAD gearing up to track Santa" article	(54)
	Man spends $50,000 making his house look like Las Vegas on acid	(47)
	NY cops reveal their newest 'bait' car to catch auto thieves: 'The Master'	(74)
	Dear Abby: My husband took my 13 year old son to a restaurant with scantily clad waitresses. My vagina is sandy over it. What should I do?	(658)
	Did the current administration purposely sabotage the economy so that military personnel would re-enlist? Hint: question mark in headline = no	(71)
	Five flu vaccination myths. Government using it to track people is for some odd reason missing from the list	(198)
	The Prince of F'n Darkness turns 60 today.....SHAAAAAROOOONNNNN	(152)
	This just in: Fat free food tastes like crap and may have added salt to help hide it. Film at eleven	(97)
	Planned Parenthood offering gift certificates, the perfect X-mas gift for your whore daughter, girlfriend or wife	(354)
	'Plate Face' uses paper plate for a robbery disguise. Clerk can't understand him through the plate, calls cops	(32)
	Toronto cinemas to start serving alcohol, poutine license still pending	(63)
	The coolest pics of dudes surfing giant waves at Maverick's you'll see today	(98)
	Barack Obama makes final cabinet appointment; now must face daunting task of coming up with embarrassing nicknames for each member. Early favorites are Bill "Big Stinky" Richardson and Hillary "She Scares Me" Clinton	(89)
	Sec. of State Condoleeza Rice warns that Pakistan and India must act quickly to bring Mumbai attackers to justice, just like the US did with Osama bin Laden	(43)
	Florida residents whining over the temperature dropping to bone-chilling 64 degrees	(202)
	25 years after stealing a moped, thief pays victim for loss; victim upset over this because now everyone knows he owned a moped	(52)
	The FDIC has discovered that banks may be unfairly using overdraft fees to pad their profits and take advantage of poorer customers	(298)
(Some Guy)	Over 100 civilized nations gather to sign treaty banning the use of cluster bombs - guess who's not signing	(695)
(Some Guy)	Accused drunk driver acquitted even though he showed up drunk at his trial	(16)
	Tow truck driver arrested for drunk driving after crashing into stopped, flashing police vehicle. Bonus: Second tow truck driver showed up on scene drunk, also arrested	(28)
	OJ Simpson's long, haunted search for his wife's killers may come to an end this Friday	(109)
	If an army marches on its stomach, it looks like the Germans might be especially well equipped for marching	(43)
	New York Daily News steals Empire State Building. David Copperfield unimpressed	(28)
(WHJJ)	Mutant lobster found in Rhode Island	(131)
	Chat show lie-detector boss accuses chat show lie detector boss of lies. How can this be resolved?	(30)
	FBI takes the war on drugs to fifteen corrupt cops who traded the thin blue line for lots of little white ones	(72)
(Daily News Miner)	Austrailian goes to Alaska to cross the Brooks Range on an ill prepared journey. Darwin denied his prize. "We thought he was one hard-core extremist or he didn't have a clue, It turned out he didn't have a clue"	(76)
	Worldnut Daily cries out for the US to declare total war against the entire Muslim world, like they do every week or so	(555)
	Swedish woman loses right to disability payments following a car accident -- after doctor rules she'd be fit to work again if she simply had surgery to make her boobs smaller	(117)
	Queen Elizabeth addresses Parliament, wants the funk, gotta have some funk	(64)
(Some Guy)	Idiot pilot flies plane into boat's mast: "I absolutely blame the sailboat because we have right of way"	(216)
	Photoshop me banana	(41)
	Interrogator uses the U.S. Army Field Manual. Result: "I thought you would torture me, and when you didn't, I decided that everything I was told about Americans was wrong. That's why I decided to cooperate."	(419)
	Man arrested for assaulting girlfriend with a sweet potato pie, keeps yammering about the food	(40)
	Rabbi killed in his home by Mumbai terrorists was reading "How to protect yourself when terrorists come to your house." It's like good adviyiiiiiiiiiiiiice that you just didn't take	(96)
	President of Brazil calls on God to stop the rain. God replies that He is busy fighting terrorism in Kentucky and can't come to the phone right now	(25)
	Oldest LOLcat ever found iz from teh 1905	(86)
	"Jesus was gay. In Biblical times homosexual relationships were so commonplace that no one gave it a second thought. It was heterosexuality that was considered sinful."	(443)
	When, what to my wondering eyes should appear / But a massive sandwich stuffed with eight tiny reindeer	(32)
	Big brother police to get power to demand ID at will. For your own good, of course	(129)
	Indiana man dies of cancer while driving. Car crashes into a tree just to make sure he's really dead	(91)
	Church leaders want to see Muslim prayer rooms opened in all Catholic schools	(134)

Tue December 02, 2008

	If you're going to steal a vehicle, make sure the owner isn't a ninja	(98)
	School's special education director busted for parking in a parking space reserved for the handicapped	(54)
	Photoshop this pipe panel	(39)
	Rastafarian can sue over Jiffy Lube hair policy. If he wins, Steinbrenner to be in trouble	(86)
	Christmas cards in Britain now wish people a 'Great Depression'	(23)
	Duck, duck, nukes	(64)
	The Mumbai police force, responsible for a city of about 14 million people, had 577 guns, that they had not fired for the last 10 years, even to practice. Hindusight is 20/20, I guess	(158)
	Why the long face?	(206)
(This one time at band camp)	So you think you are tough enough to play the French Horn eh? Think again	(116)
	Driver leaves gas station with nozzle still attached. Why yes, it was a woman, and yes, there are fail pics	(163)
	Attention K-Mart Shoppers, we have a blue light special on the ambulance coming to help this guy who just got shot in our store	(32)
	'Students Against Drink Driving' use excess funds to throw out-of-control drunken party	(95)
	Russian warships hold exercises with Hugo Chavez's entire navy--all three ships	(240)
	Raleigh N&O becomes latest paper to eliminate anonymous web postings from users filled with "racism and xenophobia, fueled by raw-emotion topics like politics and sports", vows to introduce tabs for those fanatics	(56)
	Economic downturn has English considering trading their currency for one made by people who think stinky cheese is a good investment	(39)
(Some Guy)	German troops to be posted to France. Again. France surrenders. Again	(80)
	D.C. bars may be open 24/7 for the inauguration. That's change we can hic believe in	(89)
	Bromance: a close, nonsexual male friendship where you build fine furniture for each other.... Sign me up	(148)
	Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like putting women's clothes on the dead tree in your front yard and naming it "Treesa"	(41)
	If you claim you were hurt when you tripped in a store, make sure security cameras don't record you laying on the floor after adjusting a rug to make it look like you tripped	(61)
(Some Guy)	"Deputies found a man sitting in his neighbor's living room chair naked. He appeared to be intoxicated"	(25)
	If you ever wanted to spend $1M on something, this probably isn't it	(51)
	Man takes off his clothes in front of several children to prove to his girlfriend he wouldn't use meth again. Then he ran naked into a house	(50)
	First grader robs fellow student at knifepoint in the school bathroom. Just another Tuesday in South Florida	(42)
(US Mint)	The U.S. Mint would like you know that they are not responsible for those crappy Barack Obama Presidential Coins, annoying TV ads	(180)
(Bingo)	The holiday news bingo card	(64)
	Photoshop this android actor	(79)
(Some Guy)	British shopping mall unveils what is universally acknowledged as "world's worst Christmas tree" (pic)	(131)
	In this economic climate, the rich are suffering from "luxury shame". Submitter cordially offers to take some of that shame off their hands	(124)
	Police reports on those hot Minnesota nursing home resident abusers. Alleged	(244)
(WINK-NEWS)	Dad gets caught having his nine-year old son drive him on a beer run, with "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?" pic	(66)
	Kids who spend too much time on the internet are prone to health risks such as smoking, obesity, getting hit in the nuts, eating spoonfuls of cinnamon, getting tazed while shotgunning a beer, and being knocked cold by their own skateboard	(45)
	One in five young American have personality disorder. Americans... (plural) have personality disorder. Have A personality disorder. Young Americans, have a personality disorder. One in five	(178)
	Not only will Palin not go away, wardobegate won't either: Palin seen wearing campaign clothes she claimed to return	(550)
	Sperm donor fathers 46 children. Shawn Kemp unavailable for comment	(79)
	Mumbai attackers were hopped up on goofballs	(181)
(kfbk)	The international space station now has 1 beer on tap	(83)
	God bless those dogged journalists at the AP. They cut through the mundane clutter of a man's murder trial to get to the real story -- he once lived sort-of near the Clintons	(25)
	Chicago has 10 new homeless shelters brought to you by Stove Top Stuffing	(34)
(Science Blogs)	Cincinnati Zoo is partnering with the Creation Museum to sell tickets to both venues. They're marketing to families that love animals but hate critical thinking	(314)
	Terror returns to Baghdad: Iraqi women resume driving	(36)
	I'll see your $800 coin dropped in the Salvation Army kettle and raise you a $2000 18-karat white gold and half-carat diamond ring ring. What recession?	(49)
	Ten questions to ask the Dalai Lama. Missing from list: "When I die, on my deathbed, will I receive total consciousness?"	(114)
	Welsh cuisine called into question once again after more than 160 people suffer food poisoning caused by contaminated sheep droppings	(28)
	Kirsten Dunst granted restraining order against stalker. OH, WHY DO YOU DENY OUR LOVE?	(148)
	City of Chicago on a selling binge, has already sold Midway Airport and the Chicago Skyway, now selling all the city's parking meters. What's next? Lake Michigan on ebay?	(60)
(DC Examiner)	The best part of spending $621 million to upgrade the Capital Visitor's Center? Harry Reid won't have to smell the little people any more	(94)
	The latest item to be banned by the Nanny State: Fire extinguishers	(104)
	What do you do when your anti-crime device is condemned for only being annoying to young criminals? Answer: Make it annoying for everybody	(50)
	Bernanke hints he might just say "fark it, we're going to 0%" and then put the printing presses into high gear	(220)
(Charleston Gazette)	Ski Conditions: 6" fresh powder, all trails groomed, all trails temporarily black diamond due to tiger	(70)
	"He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road"	(105)
	For all those wondering if your 15 day Thailand tourist visa might become a retirement visa here is an update	(25)
	Note: if you are busted stealing earrings, swallowing them won't mean that you get to keep them. With mugshot goodness	(34)
	Neighbors go humbug over woman's rooftop "Yes We Can" in lights, call it a political sign. She may change to "Get a life"	(170)
	Today's "expensive house trashed after birthday invitation posted on Facebook" story comes to you from lovely Brighton, Sussex	(42)
	GM CEO bringing proof of GM's ineptitude with him to DC: A Hybrid car with a $4K price premium, but barely 2 MPG increase	(386)
	"It is possible today to hijack an aircraft using only five or six able-bodied passengers who are well-trained in Kung Fu fighting." Presumably because those cats are fast as lightning	(138)
	7 total bastards that were almost impossible to kill	(133)
	Court rules prison inmates have right to silky smooth skin	(14)
	Utah senator wants to outlaw "Happy Holidays" from retail marketing	(418)
(Some Guy)	Jesus found on a Washburn guitar and it appears he's got the blues. Oh Yeah	(61)
	Meeting your girlfriend's family for the first time at Thanksgiving is hard enough; this would be what we call a worst-case outcome	(67)
	Obama aide categorically denies $30,000 ring story, leading journalists to wonder how the British tabloids and Matt Drudge could have possibly led them astray. Again	(158)
(Some Guy)	Check your credit card statements. It looks like someone got hacked	(94)
	Tango Blast is: a) a new energy drink. b) a dance fad. c) a large dangerous Texas prison gang	(47)
(Some Guy)	Woman on a job hunt applies her best assets by ironing her resume on a T-shirt	(83)
(tmj4)	Today's teacher who forget the whole "ethics" thing is brought to you by Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. While hanging out with former students, his party favors include X-rated videos, marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine	(60)
	Nuggets of wisdom from a 9 year old pickup artist: "Girls win most of the arguements and have most of the power"	(82)
	BBC is shocked that woman can't find job, regardless of the fact that she quit school at 15, has been on the dole her whole life, and isn't even looking for work	(155)
	Singing Christmas carols in Canada? That's a punchin', eh?	(35)
	Watching the game on ITV just isn't the same as seeing it live. For example, you can't grab a pitchside microphone and pass it around the crowd, chanting 'ITV are farking shiat'	(35)
	Hunter goes out on a limb, only to find that a tree's bark is worse than its bite. Refusing to branch out with news of his condition, hospital officials hope that everyone leaves him alone	(65)
	Pub institutes "no parents" policy	(95)
	A message in a bottle tossed into the ocean off of New Jersey has turned up in North Carolina - 39 years later	(62)
(Some Guy)	Obese women lack impulse control, want instant gravitation	(252)
(Dorset Echo)	"Tensions reached a peak when furious parents confronted elves in a gingerbread house and Father Christmas was punched in his grotto"	(47)
	O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, with Christmas tree I spear thee	(37)
	Cricket bat killer sentenced to five years of getting stumped	(29)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this wonder product	(42)
	Iraqi officials have finished debating what to do with Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali", and the solution is they're going to barium	(64)
	High speed chase with the cops, stun guns, arrests, steals cop car, another highspeed chase by woman still in handcuffs, overturns car, more stun guns. Or as we call it, Monday	(21)
	It's the most wonderful time of the beer	(103)
	Canadian media magnate Ted Rogers dead at 75. In the event of zombie uprising, roaming charges may apply	(58)
	US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performs piano recital for the Queen and her dog at Buckingham Palace. Your dog wants to roll over, Beethoven	(71)
	Being that it's too cold for farmers markets, it seems the elderly have taken to plowing through Christmas parades. Tis the season	(55)
	You are what your mother eats. So, if you turn out to be a bit of a dick, you know why	(86)
	Today's Girl Guides are demanding a ban on the airbrushing of models in magazines and a crackdown on peer pressure to have sex too soon, w/ pic that needs airbrushing and shows the second part isn't likely to be an issue	(323)
	Luxury cruise ship took evasive maneuvers and outran pirates who were unable to reach speeds of 27 mph. Tag is for the worst pirates EVAR	(227)
	Students from non-religious schools had far lower cheating rate compared to students attending religious schools	(198)
	Terrorists will kill you by 2013. "'The United States should be less concerned that terrorists will become biologists and far more concerned that biologists will become terrorists"	(90)
	Parents of "nameless" children face fines because it annoys the taxman	(93)
	Siberian ice-cream shops thriving despite economic downturn, minus 25 degrees	(22)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these pale petals	(38)
	Today's $800 gold South African Krugerrand coin dropped in a Salvation Army kettle comes to us from Evansville, Indiana	(50)
	Missing teen stumbles into California fitness club in shackles, badly undernourished, says he was kidnapped and held captive for a year	(138)
	When a news story starts out with "A night of pot smoking went awry" you know it's going to be worth reading	(121)
(WHDH Boston)	Normal hero tag: Firefighters put out thankgiving day kitchen fire. Super-hero tag : Crew comes back later in the day with replacement turkey dinner and pie for family	(104)

Mon December 01, 2008

(Some Guy)	Prairie dog stolen. Owner hopes it will pop up	(65)
(Some Guy)	If you shoot a nine-point, 240-pound buck, you better make sure it's dead before you try dragging it back to base camp. "Soon Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood."	(128)
	Bomb blast in India kills two, wounds 30 on train	(252)
(Some Guy)	An Ohio State University academic adviser and a real estate agent held a $10-a-ticket raffle that offered an evening with a prostitute who is also a child sex-abuse caseworker. Then it gets weird	(56)
	Asthma inhalers to go green, make food delicious, Mr. Bean hilarious	(115)
	Photoshop this concept of a flying cetacean	(69)
	New patent application for hurricane deflation machine involves flying jets in circles agianst the wind inside a hurricane...just like when Superman flew circles around the earth and turned back time	(157)
(Some Bribester)	Man who admits to trying to bribe Mayor wants newspaper fined $65,000 for taking his photo in violation of a court ruling. Because, you know, this is a guy who obviously really cares about ethics and principle	(12)
	California declares a state of fiscal emergency. It's a good thing California residents elected a Governor with a background in economics and fiscal responsibility instead of that overpaid actor with the Humvee collection	(205)
	The Society for Liberty and Prosperity would like you to know that they are working to bring about a better tomorrow. Starting with challenging the citizenship of President elect Obama, but first they need the freedom to borrow three fiddy	(388)
	$350,000 sculpture was clearly named "Survival of Serena" before it was crushed to death by airport baggage handlers	(69)
(Albert Lea Tribune)	News: Six teen girls charged with sexual abuse. FARK: Of the elderly. UltraFARK: photo goodness suggests no jail time	(558)
	U.S. intelligence agencies: We totally knew the Mumbia attacks were going to happen, like a month in advance. We ALWAYS know when terrorists are going to strike. Except on 9/11, we had NO idea that one was coming. wink.	(123)
(The Christians are coming)	Fark hasn't found religion. Religion has found Fark: "In particular, religious discussions on Fark present an opportunity for Christians to interact with atheists, agnostics, and secular humanists."	(589)
(Washington Independent)	Obama is appointing progressives to his White House staff. Hasn't he heard that he's supposed to be appointing all conservatives and centrists to anger the liberal blogosphere? Why won't this guy get in line with the media narrative?	(102)
(Some Guy)	Careful how your pronounce this prostitute's name. You might end up getting a service you didn't quite want	(62)
(Some Jedi)	Fark ready headline: "Police send man with toy lightsaber to ER"	(49)
	After cheerleading Obama all year, MSM now warns we barely know him	(260)
	Behold the man who finished a meat marathon in less than 5 hours. Not that there's anything wrong with that	(69)
	Walgreens sells Plan B pills, but not without making you feel like a cheap, filthy whore first	(320)
(Some Guy)	Hmmmmmm, 2-month-old goddaughter or $50. 2-month-old goddaughter or $50. We're talking cash, right? Yeah? Wow, I dunno, that's a tough one	(94)
	And the 2008 winner of the understatement of the year award: "Bush: Some voted for Obama 'because of me'. "	(186)
	Indianapolis grade school mandates that parents sign homework every day, return teachers' calls within 24 hours, and volunteer at the school, or their kids get kicked out. This'll never work	(117)
	Have you heard the one about the deaf Dalmatian that learned sign language? Yeah, neither has the Dalmatian	(46)
	More bad news from the bad economy; to save money, Illinois will not drug test jobseekers in the Dept of Children and Family Services. Bad news unless you're an unemployed doper who likes kids	(63)
	UN's global warming summit will create 13,000 tons of carbon and greenhouse gas emissions	(118)
	U.S. let Saddam gas Kurds for farm deal. What other war crimes will the media decide to tell us about decades later?	(139)
	Woman admits to killing husband for demanding sex. Submitter's pretty sure this is bullshiat, based on the pic in the article	(130)
	What power should Wil Wheaton have on "Heroes"? Ability to wear awesome sweaters suspiciously absent	(187)
	The company that makes those annoying Motivation posters lays off 34 workers	(230)
	You know things are bad when the DOW drops almost 700 points and there's no news-flash	(103)
	"India demands action from Pakistan." Pakistan hints that maybe India should try to be a bit more romantic from time to time. A shower couldn't hurt either	(23)
	Missouri will soon not have any handicapped people, which will allow elimination of all handicapped parking spots	(132)
	Strong Bad pays homage to the original Sam & Max game. Bonus: It's an actual game	(58)
	Man gets angry with a woman driver. When both cars finally come to a stop, he approaches her with a snake and says, "This a death adder and you're dead"	(49)
	They can keep my bukket - I has a sakksophone	(45)
	Spears, wrestling, Obama lead Yahoo's top 10 searches, Fox Reality producers' wish list	(42)
	Belgian TV bosses slammed for advert featuring presenter as a semi-naked Hitler. Picture if you will...a sexy Hitler with a six-pack, or just click the link to see	(35)
	Attention, doctors: if you insist on injecting yourself and a female patient with ice, pethidine and morphine during sex sessions at your suburban surgery try not to overdose her, she'll resent that	(42)
	Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Banana Scorpion	(73)
(KSDK)	John Lennon had that karma thing right -- two brothers steal a car, fire shots at cops, and flee on highway against traffic, only to collide head-on with another car...that was also stolen	(35)
	Girls post pretty photos on Web sites in hopes that guys send them gifts, Ric Romero is on the scene with more	(1591)
	India warns Pakistan that it must take strong action against its terrrorists....or else India will invade Kenya looking for yellow cake	(50)
	Most Fark-ready headline of the day comes from the UK: "Balls orders sacking"	(38)
	Emus on the loose in Ontario. Authorities plan to capture them using bad poetry as bait	(59)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Judge upholds law prohibiting parolees from owning bows, instructs Sheriff of Nottingham to enforce ruling	(20)
	Attention, doctors: If you insist on offering your female patients free mammograms, try not to tweak the nipples. It looks a bit suspicious	(84)
(Some Guy)	So it turns out that using untrained, unprotected officers, as your meth clean-up crew might not be a good idea. Who knew?	(22)
	Possibly the most entertaining Headline of the Week roundup we've had so far. Also, Drew's It's Not Fark It's News update	(42)
	Indian authorities had warnings of Mumbai terrorist operations nine days prior to attacks but "it got lost in the computer system". If only there was a country that offered tech support	(95)
	BBC apologizes after TV star commits indecent exposure live on the radio. Wait, what?	(48)
	Study reveals left-handed children do worse in national tests than their right-handed peers. Researchers are puzzled by the results, but suspect a sinister plot	(133)
	Now that Thanksgiving is over, media dusts off the old "the office holiday party should not look like 'Girls Gone Wild'" article	(79)
	Toe nibbling wakes wife from 13-year coma, creeps her out	(76)
	Having solved all other problems, the Big Apple demands that you get a Big Permit if you plan to decorate an outdoor Christmas tree, Hanukkah bush, or Kwanzaa shrub	(37)
	Strange things may be happening at an Cheesecake Factory in Arizona. "A cook would stand in the middle and rub his genitals into my genitals."	(209)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this stampede	(36)
	Pentagon to deploy 20,000 uniformed military...inside the United States. No word on billetting or if the uniforms will be bright red coats	(479)
	Mayor of Birmingham, AL arrested on corruption charges as city prepares to declare bankruptcy	(95)
	Mass suicide in Indiana has police baffled, folks wondering if John Cougar Mellencamp is releasing a new album	(95)
(Some Guy)	This year's lame ass article/advertisement on the items in 'The 12 Days of Christmas' says they would cost $86,609, up 10.9% from last year	(30)
	President-elect Obama continues with plan to destroy America, names Hillary Clinton to Secretary of State position	(616)
	UN conference assures that failure to address climate change will lead to "war, hunger, poverty and sickness." Which at least will only require re-training one of the four horsemen	(262)
	Jesus Christ, it's a lion. Get in the snowmobile	(93)
	Palm Beach County's GOP is a bit miffed that a home-schooled 19-year-old upstart was elected to join their Republican Executive Committee. Of course, the fact that he's a white supremacist might also be a factor	(161)
	Man who slept with gun under pillow has licence revoked for being irresponsible, despite insisting it would not have gone off in wife's face or hair	(54)
(Some Guy)	"An Irish judge has thrown out two separate drink-driving cases because of the danger the defendants inhaled alcohol from their own urine while in custody"	(45)
	Note to Australian Air Force: If you're going to build a fence to protect your airfield from intruding wallabies, make sure all the wallabies are actually outside the fence when you build it	(49)
	Stephen Harper may have regrets about thet circular firing squad he put together last week... and about to add "Former" to his "Prime Minister" title... not so "honourable" though	(531)
	American Airlines now charging fees to non-passengers. Satire tag has to beat back Obvious tag with its carry-on luggage	(48)
(Some Guy)	Coolest photos of a gathering storm over Greenland you'll see ... well, pretty much ever, actually	(87)
	Mumbai cemetery refuses to bury terrorist gunmen, virtually assuring their return as super terrorist zombies	(69)
(wmtw.com)	Man outruns police until he crosses the county line then pulls over, confident that all the old movies were true	(58)
	Woo-woo guru Deepak Chopra discovers who is responsible for the terror attacks in India. Hint: The culprit begins with an "A" and rhymes with "Bamerica"	(236)
	Mugger puts away his knife to meet his victim man-to-man in a squeegee duel	(22)
	There's no way I'd wear this space-age man corset...except it makes me look kind of hot	(85)
(Some Guy)	Two men dress up as security guards to get on the sidelines for a college football game, somehow forgetting that real security guards would already be on the sidelines	(17)
	Plaxico Burress's lawyer says that he will arrest himself and turn himself over to his local police department after accidentally shooting himself in his leg on Friday after discovering himself trying to break into his own house	(87)
	Man dressed as a woman fires shots inside a Wal-Mart during a robbery attempt, police organize dragnet	(24)
	As credit crunch hits, people increasingly turning to sex as "a cheap way to pass the time." But only if it's done right	(120)
	You know it's hot when even the presence of a crocodile in your pool fails to deter you from having a swim	(23)
	Women use their boobs to trap men and take their money. Oh, this time they're using chloroform too	(74)
	Aquarium employee charged with grand theft, admits he's no angel, got cod up in it just for the halibut	(36)
	Crayons - they're not just for eating anymore	(27)
	Lagoon city of Venice threatened by high water, flooding. No, this is not a repeat from 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, or any other year since the 13th century	(26)
(Some Guy)	French found to be the biggest dicks in Europe	(94)
	Supermarkets selling alcohol cheaper than water. Surprisingly, some people think that's a bad thing	(23)
	Welsh couple say The Most Trusted Name In News gave away their hiding place to Mumbai terrorists	(71)
	Huge explosion in Slough. David Brent among the missing. Cabbage everywhere	(78)
	Tipping holiday tipping tips for tippers. Tip	(342)
	India considers anti-terror body, closing barn door	(44)
	Melbourne to outlaw "bad street musicians". Ummm, make that "Melbourne to outlaw street musicians"	(46)
	City council thinks it can curb alcohol-related fights by giving drinkers bubbles to pacify them after a night at the clubs "This is completely bonkers"	(42)
	The "Office of the President Elect" has no real authority. Photoshop other attempts to make an unofficial thing seem more "official"	(49)
	Since repealing the smoking ban didn't fill Atlantic City casinos, they will now try letting patrons wearing Santa hats chase Hooters girls through the halls	(26)
	Dinosaur fossil poachers apparently victimize Cleveland Museum of Natural History. In other news, apparently there are dinosaur fossil poachers	(65)
	In the Farmer's Market 500, one driver manages to hit seven cars in 13 minutes, gets NASCAR contract	(24)
	The "Ashley Dupree" of Scotland forces a Sheriff to quit his job after his heavy whipping sessions were discovered	(49)