Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-11-02 23:59:59'

If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

Not News Sports Business Geek Showbiz Politics Music Video All

These links may be stale and generate errors. Can't do much about it. Tastes like chicken.

(Headline T-Shirts are still available for archive links.)

Sun November 02, 2008

	Fire and brimstoners hot under the collar in a heated argument with firefighter fanning the flames by branding hellfire as being all smoke and mirrors	(38)
	Ferrari-based flying car could be reality within two years. And it's about time, too	(88)
	Photoshop theme: Books that should never be written	(78)
	Pilot desperate to maximise beach time on his sunshine holiday lands his Boeing 737...on the beach	(35)
	The 7 most depressing geek collections. Too impressive to just keep in Geek tab	(199)
	Syria voted for U.S. raid before they voted against it	(58)
	If you picked November 3rd as the beginning of the end for Circuit City. Step up and claim your prize	(339)
	Hey Farkers, we're now less than 10,000 away from 4,000,000 threads. Place your bets on when it'll be	(234)
	Defective escalator leads to Tube station closure. If only there were some way to continue to use escalators which have broken down due to defects	(131)
(TSP)	"62-year-old Chester R. Jordan was alive when he was attacked and killed by three pit bulls Friday."	(97)
(Some Guy)	Church on Mornington Street annoys neighbors with bright LED sign, apparently unaware of "Second Prohibition Rule", which prohibits players from declaring proxy in the first three moves or boxing out F, J, O and W. Amateurs	(92)
	You saw it coming: Consumers' taste for organic food is tapering off	(251)
	Photoshop this structure on stilts	(45)
	Hell Pizza Halloween commercial features Sir Edmund Hillary, Heath Ledger and the Queen Monther emerging from graves to dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Too soon?	(62)
(Some Guy)	Amazing photography from underground caves (some pics on target site are NSFW for some workplaces)	(46)
(some Yat)	It's the Giant Omelette Celebration today in Abbeville, Louisiana. Post your best omelette recipe	(99)
(KBTX)	Politics at the Texas Renaissance Festival: "I think if they ran on a more beer platform we would definitely be voting for them," said the Centaur	(48)
	Miami has the first murder-free month.....in 42 years. YEEEAAAAAAH	(96)
	The Age of Aquarius has come to an end	(76)
	Some headlines need no improvement: "Naked pumpkin runners ticketed in Colorado"	(20)
	Capt. Tony, RIP... he ate his last mango yesterday	(49)
	What do Fort Myers, Nashville and Indianapolis have in common? Hint: you can get really good foreign food there	(106)
	North Korea releases new photoshops of Dear Leader to prove he isn't seriously ill, including a convincing shot of him watching a soccer game - without any soccer players	(76)
	Oxford Spires Rotary Club fighting heroic battle to save annual World Poohsticks Championships. In related news, there are World Poohsticks Championships. Oh, bother	(23)
	"This is social services. You have a son you never knew about. We're having him adopted and you can never see him. Oh, by the way, can he have your spleen?"	(163)
	Rupert Murdoch warns that Australia is on its way to being the laziest nation in the world	(74)
(Some Guy)	"Our surveys show that single people are more attracted to cat ownership, while dog owners are married with children."	(155)
	Annynay Atestay ansbay affstay omfray oosingyay Atinlay ordsway ecausebay ityay onfusescay oreignersfay	(116)
	Berke Breathed concludes his magnum Opus. Goodnight, little fella	(160)
(Some Guy)	Master whiskey blender known simply as 'The Nose' has his nostrils insured for £1.5 million, even though single malts all taste pretty much the same after you put them in the freezer for a few hours and mix them with Mountain Dew	(135)
	Trying to figure out the meaning of life? Call a philosopher-in-a-van. Bonus: he looks like Danny DeVito	(47)
	Caption this picture of Obama	(178)
	And the Daily Mail's new photo journalist of the year is.... Ceiling Cat	(56)
	John McCain's opening skit from Saturday Night Live -- jokes about lack of money and Palin "goin' rogue"	(335)
(Some Guy)	When the homeowner you are robbing tells you to stay at his place while he drives to the bank to get money, it is probably a trick	(35)
	Photoshop this pipe cleaner	(29)
(Aero-News Network)	Outerspace trucker bomb expected to hit earth on Sunday	(69)
	Woman asks her councilman to consider instituting a dress code in the town after seeing a jogger in a workout outfit that "showed her stomach." (second story)	(83)
	Prisons increasingly growing own food in attempt to be green, acknowledging that convicts can't eat enough tossed salad	(56)
	In honor of All Souls' Day... who would you want to give your eulogy and what do you think they'd say about you? (with voting)	(226)

Sat November 01, 2008

	British 'men' urged to put down their hair gel: "With hard times ahead, man-bag-clutching metrosexuality is out, and old-fashioned machismo is flexing its muscles once again"	(127)
	British women would rather marry an accountant than James Bond	(158)
	Japanese general believes that the United States tricked Japan into attacking Pearl Harbor	(266)
	Bolivian President to United States DEA: "GTFO"	(214)
	Gun company owner forced to resign after he was revealed to be an Obama supporter	(573)
(LancasterOnline)	Commuter almost becomes shish kebab as a three-foot metal bar bisects his windshield. "You are one lucky dude" (pic)	(66)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this drug bust	(42)
	Two Austrians freed after being held hostage in the Sahara for months by Islamic militants were exhausted but in good spirits when they arrived back home, asked for another shrimp on the barbie	(57)
	Canadian radio pranksters convinced Sarah Palin she was speaking to Pres. Sarkozy for six minutes. Update: audio link in comments	(352)
	Psychiatrists warn binge drinkers face increased risk of dementia and OMG GET THESE SPIDERS OFF ME ARRRGH	(69)
	Increasing number of females in New Zealand seeking treatment for sex addiction. Oh, that's baaaaad	(76)
	Asian-American beaten up and forced to say "I love America," because he was singing a song from "Team America"	(186)
	California public school teacher has kindergartners sign pledge cards to not be mean to gays, lesbians, bi or transgender. School's issue is whether it was age appropriate	(361)
(Some half-elf paladin)	Christian Children's Fund charity refuses $17,000 in donations. Why? They were from Dungeons and Dragons players	(329)
	♫ My India, 'tis of thee, Sweet Land of infertility, of thee I sing. ♫ Land of cheap embryos, few ethical and legal woes, A baby wi-ith all its toes and for far less bling ♫	(53)
	Three words to know for your fast food future: textured vegetable protein	(135)
	PETA offers Ringling Bros. an animatronic elephant to replace its real ones	(118)
	Headline: Test predicts when menopause will begin. Article: No, it doesn't	(25)
	Passenger trains making a comeback in America. Still no cure for Amtrak	(111)
	The best part of this story about a NYPD cop being busted for stealing cocaine is the Myspace-like photo of him holding a fan of cash, yo	(89)
	Got wood? The entire state of NY hasn't had any since Labor Day	(58)
	Alcohol consumption hic in Britain has doubled hic since the 1960s barf	(60)
	Woman with 38 previous convictions, nine social security numbers and several aliases faces life sentence... for shoplifting	(55)
	If you offer to take a polygraph to reduce your sentence be sure you can pass it	(40)
	It was bound to happen: Squirrels Gone Wild	(61)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this green couch somewhere more interesting	(41)
	Latest incentive in a soft housing market: Buy a home and get a doctor who makes house calls	(15)
(Some Guy)	If you want to know something about good bourbon, look no further than Kevin Smith. No, not that one, the one from Maker's Mark	(118)
	Australian Police squad took "Reservoir Dogs" to heart	(73)
	From the makers of Bacon Salt: Baconnaise. Mmmmmm bacon	(67)
	Your SmartCar is no match for mischief	(161)
	After randomly shooting a stranger in the groin, Gerald Polley decided he should run for president with Laura Bush as his running mate. Now he says Jesus will board a UFO and leave us to our own demise	(54)
	Bruno the cat saves Steffi the kitten with emergency blood transfusion on this week's episode of Caturday E.R	(385)
	Not news: a chicken lays an egg. Fark: The chicken's egg lays an egg	(66)
	"You're going to tell me where my teeth are, or I'm going to kill you."	(25)
	Students at Britain's esteemed Cambridge University admit that, yes, they cheat their asses off, too	(39)
(Tri-City Herald)	Guy thinks it would be funny to wear terrorist costume into bank. Cops? Not so much	(36)
	Supplier repeatedly fails to deliver your bedroom furniture? No problem, just move into their shop	(35)
	New program allows allows fathers in prison to videotape bedtime stories for their children. In today's installment, Mr. Idiot Prosecutor gets the ass-kicking he so richly deserves	(35)
	Dogs's ear emits radio signals. You can't be sirius	(63)
(Some Guy)	Burglar dies in police custody from 13th century curse	(36)
(AdFreak)	Actor who plays "little lad who loves berries and cream" is just as bizarre in person	(30)
	We killed Saddam, then we killed him some more	(57)
(Zero Tolerance, Zero Brains)	Students, families banned from school football games for wearing Halloween costumes. "I knew when we banned a 3-year-old Snow White, we were in trouble."	(70)
(Some Floor)	Photoshop this guy and his mop	(44)
(Some Drunk)	Next time you decide to break into a convenience store, you might want to avoid leaving a trail of beer cans that leads to your front door	(14)
	Want a beer in Scotland, you'll need a drug test	(84)
	Berlin opens soup kitchen just for pooches. Actual quote: "Without this animal bread line, I'd probably starve to death"	(18)
(SFist)	Probably the best Mao Tse-tung halloween costume you'll see tonight	(27)
	'Disoriented' Mexican soldiers accidentally invade U.S	(86)
(Savannah Morning News)	Fifth Grader draws scariest Halloween mask ever for Art class, gets hauled away to mental hospital by police. (with teacher-terrifying pic of mask)	(243)
	63 years later, Indianapolis survivor buried at sea near his 879 mates. Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We'd just delivered the bomb	(95)
	First October Snow in UK in 74 years, it must be Global Warming, EVERYBODY PANIC	(86)
	Cricket Fighting: serious business	(53)
	Libya gives $1.5 billion compensation to US victims of Lockerbie bombing back in 1986. Better late than never	(39)
	Blue Angels pilot repeatedly put his plane in the wrong hangar ... loses jet, still has vibe	(42)
(Some Farkette)	Hey, Bubba: hold my beer while I see how many times I can skip my humvee across the river	(31)
	Zany artist paints a picture on his face every day a day for a year - paintings range from cartoon characters to his favourite foods	(30)

Fri October 31, 2008

(There's Something in My Eye)	Six-year-old Elke Wilkes can't talk, walk, or feed herself. Now, a $27,000 device uses tiny lasers to track her eye movements. By looking at icons on a screen, she can now communicate. Her first words: "I love you."	(197)
	Luggage handler opens jet's cargo bay to find cheetah running loose. Samuel L. Jackson scrambles for movie rights	(44)
	"A judge has halted a £116,000 legal battle over a woman's noisy parrots, telling both sides to use their common sense"	(44)
	Drunken Zamboni driver charged after erratic ice cleaning	(35)
	Photoshop this radio telescope array	(40)
	Drinking during pregnancy might actually be good for the baby if it's a boy. Your baby wants scotch	(54)
	Ugly-ass baby albino wallaby makes first appearance in public at Cypress Gardens today. Awwwwwwww	(19)
	Late addition to this week's mugshot round up is sure to be on this year's top 10. Goldface will be proud	(56)
(Some Guy)	Woman who chained herself to home to avoid foreclosure has lost seven other homes in the past. Dumbass and FAIL tags both wondering why they didn't get the nod	(71)
	Halloween edition of TSG's weekly mug shot roundup. Includes hot chicks, terrible tats, and more Obama supporters in cuffs	(176)
(kare11.com)	Hot dog bun with mouse baked into it squeaks past inspection(pic)	(76)
	Since the day is running out of news, here's a vid from a Quad Cities morning radio show dropping a 750lb pumpkin onto a waterbed from 80 ft up	(73)
	Man with heart problems dies after getting too excited watching a porno	(61)
	13-year-old boy sent home from school for dressing up as the "offensive" and "distracting" Jesus for Halloween	(110)
	Author-radio host-actor-activist Studs Terkel has died	(97)
	Minor earthquake hits Dallas area; Tony Romo expected to be out an additional 2-4 weeks	(39)
	Protip: next time you order a sign in two languages, make sure the foreign language portion of the sign isn't the interpreter's out of office email reply	(62)
(Some Guy)	Hank Williams Jr. says Sarah Palin has inspired him to seriously consider running for U.S. Senate in Tennessee	(272)
	Gays feel sting after Queen of Spain condemns their right to marry. In other news, there's a little black spot on the sun today	(153)
	44% of women report experiencing sexual problems, but only 12% are bothered by it	(432)
	Band director is arrested for waving his baton at public park ... actually, it wasn't a baton	(85)
	Who'd win in a fight between Halloween and Christmas movies	(144)
	AP Correction: About that story where we said the military replaced all of those US missile battery chargers that could erupt into a fiery hell. Well, they didn't	(22)
(Some Guy)	The 10 least scary supernatural TV shows of all time. Bonus: not a slideshow. Extra Bonus: a list NOT from Cracked	(175)
(News4Jax)	When choosing a photo to use as a prop on a soap opera, you may want to avoid using the photo of a boy who was kidnapped, raped, and murdered last year. Or at the very least, run it past his family first	(85)
	Welsh police force manages to fill vehicles with wrong fuel 26 times in a year, despite cars having bright yellow filler caps marked "diesel". A s da gweithia 'na, Lou	(69)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this compact castle	(76)
	Illinois' governor on his pathetic 13 percent approval rating: I'm a champion of the people, and I'm "honored to get my ass kicked."	(190)
(Some Guy)	Rocky Mountain News reverses decision to drop Garfield after readers go nuts. "Many Garfield fans told us that in these troubled times, they counted on the comic relief of their longtime favorite strip"	(228)
	Florida nudist group wants right to vote naked on Election Day; but where would they keep their ID's?	(126)
	Fellow Farker Carves 900lb Pumpkin for the Wall Street Journal	(89)
	Court declares that diarrhea is no excuse for speeding. Sh*t	(172)
(Some Guy)	$100m satellite that would pretty much lay to rest climate change controversy by measuring the Earth's energy balance is to be launched -- after being stripped of all Earth-facing instruments	(550)
	This Halloween, beware of the Filth Licker	(81)
	Sunday night the 422nd annual Simpsons "Treehouse of Horror" will air. Here are the 10 best "Treehouse of Horror" moments	(299)
	5,000 Obama lawyers head to Florida. And so it begins	(424)
	Annual "Tell your true spooky\creepy stories" thread. Happy Halloween, voting enabled for scariest	(606)
	Octopus shoots out the lights, trashes aquarium and juggles some crabs	(134)
	The Cubs' 2008 post-season collapse can be directly traced to a Tennessee tattoo parlor 600 miles from Wrigley Field, where an artist wrote 'Go Cards' into a Cubs tattoo as a joke	(127)
	Russians furious that Bond Girl is aiding that known killer of Russians, James Bond. Who is, we should remember, a fictional character	(135)
	On the plus side, Americans are no longer burning through their savings like drunken sailors in a whore house. On the minus side, whore house applications may soon be on the rise	(67)
	Tradition holds that if your wedding day involves being knocked unconscious by a horse before suffering first degree burns from an exploding water tank you will have a long and happy marriage, so at least they've got that going for them	(22)
	I-Mockery's ultimate guide to the Halloween candies of 2008. Dentists worldwide cackle in unison	(46)
	CT Halloween Fark Party TONIGHT in New Haven, 8pm-close. Link goes to location	(24)
	Post pics of yourself in your favorite Halloween costumes (voting enabled)	(949)
(wzzm13.com)	After trying for 62 years, man finally bowls a perfect game. Including the part where you drop dead of a heart attack immediately afterwards	(93)
(Some Ghoulish Guy)	What would Halloween be without an exquisite corpse? This year's haunting theme: "Halloween at the Office." Special details in first post	(126)
(Some Smoky Guy)	Pet bunny saves couple from house fire. Can't save them from having no imagination in naming him. With link to rename the bunny	(74)
	"Is there some secret period in history when hobos ruled the earth that I'm unaware of?"	(47)
	Vicar turns up in agony to hospital with a potato stuck in his backside	(127)
	Ugly-ass all white baby monkey makes its debut at the Denver Zoo	(16)
	Today's "priest uses confessional to pick up chicks" story brought to you by New York City	(40)
	Forget the clown sweater. For Halloween this year, Wil has gone full clown	(122)
	Bird lovers coax rare owl out of home, resulting in the owl being eaten by a hawk. Ya, Rly	(95)
	Australia's most dangerous 12-year-old boy and potential supervillain quarantined at remote, isolated property because of serious concerns that his rage might "spill out," cause him to turn green, smash stuff	(78)
	Church sign reads "God Loves You, Allah Hates." Who could possibly object to this?	(285)
(Some Guy)	Christians gather at Wall Street bull statue: "We are going to intercede to ask God to begin a shift from the bull and bear markets to the 'Lion's Market,' or God's control over the world's economic systems."	(157)
	Man who fears being buried alive creates a coffin he can live in (with pics and video)	(74)

Thu October 30, 2008

	Fire breaks out in US nuclear missile silo, burns for two hours, cooks a nearby box of shotgun shells and nobody noticed anything amiss for five days	(129)
	Daughter of serial killer confronts her past, hitability (with pic)	(88)
(Some Guy)	Today's would-be hot teacher allegedly hooking up with teenage male students hails from the home of Al Capone and Barack Obama, Chicago. (w/ you would pic)	(183)
	GOP leader in Tampa panics via email over the number of black people showing up to vote early. Racialarity ensues	(745)
	Study finds that fat-bottomed girls really do make the rockin' world go 'round	(278)
	News: After two years in jail, man cleared of rape sues woman for compensation. Fark: It's denied because she never wanted him charged in the first place	(97)
	Pub crawlers started on a record-setting journey in 1984 and have just visited their 14,000th bar. PFFFFFFT, lightweights	(29)
	Man burns himself in effigy today at University of Washington. Police describe him as smoking and husky	(108)
	Today's "1,000-pound pumpkin crushing an outhouse" video brought to you by Dixon, California	(38)
	Ohio SecState says she can't possibly check for fraudulent voter registrations until after Nov 4 because the system is now "fragile"	(322)
(Xenu)	Man with socks on his hands performs medical experiments on the homeless in defiance of alien law. Then it gets weird	(53)
	Apparently BRITISH TROOPS ARE RETURNING FROM AFGHANISTAN DEAF	(92)
	In a unanimous, bipartisan vote against corruption, MA State Senate resolves that anybody who gets caught should resign	(51)
	Politically motivated suicide squirrel leaps from a tree to a power line, causing electrical failure at an early voting facility. No word whether a backwards "McC" was found on squirrel	(34)
(Some Guy)	Extreme Photoshop: Complete this unfinished King Kong sketch	(55)
	C-17 crew unable to evacuate Hoth. Would it help if I got out and pushed?	(89)
	"On behalf of our town I would like to welcome you and -- wait, your son has Down's Syndrome? Sorry, you can't stay here"	(151)
(KTIV)	Bowling alley owner keeps liquor license, but is asked to not let half-naked people slide down beer-soaked bowling lanes anymore	(28)
	New strain of tuberculosis has a 40%+ mortality rate, is airborne, highly drug resistant, and causes diarrhea, psychosis, and psychotic diarrhea. Oh, and it's been found in New York. EVERYBODY MOVE TO MADAGASCAR	(122)
	Scientists find 3,000-year-old Hebrew text, the oldest ever found in Israel -- five lines of text in which a mom asks her son why he never visits anymore	(52)
	Blondes make better girlfriends, but brunettes make better wives. Redhead excluded to give the others a fair chance	(359)
	Top 6 rejected Guitar Heroes	(165)
	Wittenberg wants to be a destination for Club Pilgrimage -- just like Jerusalem, Rome and Mecca. But it's a battle between the Holy Spirit and the spectre of East German Communism	(43)
(Some Guy)	Caption these riot police with nothin' much going on	(102)
	"what'll you have, honey?" "the usual" "two bags of cash coming up. need utensils?" "nope, you know I always bring my own knife"	(17)
	Vet compiles top 10 list of things dogs eat that they really shouldn't. Your homework and that lovely steak you left out not included	(145)
	Think American students have it good when nailing hot teachers? Well how about a German teacher performing a striptease for 15 year old students? (Video may not be safe for work)	(213)
	PM Sweater Vest appoints his new cabinet. Bend over and meet your new government Canukistanian suckers	(86)
	If you're 60 years old and you want to carry a concealed gun, be sure you've taken your arthritis meds	(56)
	Sewage spill forces closure of Laguna Beach. Beach opened quickly after officials realize the smell was the Laguna Beach spinoff, The Hills	(26)
	"Hurting your child for attention". Subby just punched a kid for this greenlight	(104)
	Tiny dog goes out for steak, comes home three years later	(27)
	Geniuses at Maryland Dept. of Corrections finally figured out that the best way to warn trick-or-treaters of a sex offender's house is NOT to post signs that look like farking Halloween decorations	(65)
	Florida cops arrest five more men in baggy pants crackdown. Gee, what do you think the suspects have in common? Thats right, lack of belts	(160)
	2006 Flashback: Eight reasons Barack Obama will run for President in 2008. Bonus goodness; the comments section	(185)
	Dumb: Flying a plane made from a kit. Dumber: Flying a plane made from a second-hand kit. Dumberest: Not answering the question, "Now what's that spare hole for?"	(80)
(Longmont Times-Call)	Police department won't pay health tab for retired K9 who sustained a spinal injury while tackling a criminal	(95)
	Three of the candidates are appearing today in places with names like "___ Stadium" "__Ampitheathre" etc. One is showing up at "___ HS gymnasium" and "___community college theatre". Guess which is which?	(149)
	Man hangs black-painted skeleton from a noose under huge Confederate flag. In Ontario. Wait, what?	(160)
	Meat popsicle donates 5000-year old stone altar piece to local gallery	(60)
	Toonces has some competition	(47)
	Drunken car chase ends with man stuck in golf course water hazard. Good thing he didn't end up in the bunker, those things are enough of a pain to rake out when you're sober	(24)
	Man charged with felony after using "Yes on Proposition 8" yard sign to assault a man wearing a "No on Proposition 8" button	(433)
	Man released after serving just six months of 45-day sentence	(82)
	Robert Furman, a spy who snatched German atomic scientists away from Hitler and stole 31 tons of uranium ore (while under German fire) has died, along with his balls of steel	(82)
	Al Franken plays the "Alcoholic wife" card in latest commercial. From all appearances, he's the one who needs a couple stiff ones	(105)
	"You don't just suddenly lose $120 billion overnight." Well, unless you're AIG	(113)
	A video of the top secret Cold War-era bunker where your leaders would ride out the apocalypse while you burned to a fiery ash	(122)
	It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in attacking a dude near Tulsa	(61)
	Vatican claims it needs at least 6 more years to edit--err, "analyze and sort" World War II era records of Pope Pius XII	(57)
(Reading Eagle)	Tip: When calling to complain to your state senator about a 'political sticker' on a municipal vehicle, make sure to first read it thoroughly. Fark: Dump truck in question is the "McClain Galion" model	(75)
(Some Guy)	"Afterlife, brain, death, memory, mind, spirit, extra terrestrials and unidentified flying objects all have something in common with all of us." The common link? Nutjobs	(76)
	Bucking tradition, today Detroit is NOT going to try to burn itself down in pre-Halloween "festivities"	(65)
	Newspaper website creates gallery of Floridiots wearing sweaters and hoodies because it's 70 degrees out	(168)
(Times Argus)	Woman plays chicken with slow moving train, still loses	(16)
(Some Guy)	By being a Baptist preacher and owning a bail bond business, Mr. McQueen knew plenty of people to sell heroin to	(20)
(Zoo and Aquarium Visitor)	Woodland Park Zoo hatches rare quarter-sized pond turtles. Cutest pics you'll see today	(43)
	You know McCain's campaign is dead when Joe the Plumber doesn't even want to be seen with him	(229)
	Dying wife of former presidential candidate John Edwards may have dumped his lyin', cheatin' ass	(167)
(That's Some Mouse)	Three-year old kangaroo missing. Somewhere, Sylvester the Cat is sporting a black eye and a confused expression	(55)
(Pitch.com)	Questions that deserve only a one-word answer but that someone still wrote a whole stupid book about, part one: "Do Cats Have ESP?"	(73)
	New Jersey police melt down 300 seized handguns, some of them worth a great deal of money if sold to law-abiding gun owners, but that would make too much sense (pic)	(305)
	The long, storied tradition of neckbeards in photos. Bonus points for Sadaam's neckbeard	(84)
	Jerry Seinfeld is being sued for defamation because a woman let her 7-year-old child watch adult TV programming. Personal responsibility out the window	(153)
	In the spirit of their 04 classic ad, "OMG wolves will eat your children if you vote for Kerry"; the RNC proudly unveils "OMG if you vote for Obama we're all going to drown at Sea"	(220)
	Nebraska lawmakers decide 54th trimester abortions weren't such a good idea after all	(66)
	'Paranormal investigators' record voices when checking out old house. Their recorder "can pick up voices human ears can't hear." Bonus: "You can shoot hundreds of pictures and get nothing." With photo of nothing	(326)
	Plan to ban small-chested drivers shelved. Public outraged after envisioning police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts	(72)
	North Korea condemns US for Syria attack, resumes oppressing its populace	(88)
	Photoshop this rocky seashore	(45)
	College costs jump 6% at state schools, which is coincidentally the percentage of classes most state college students go to	(71)
(Some Guy)	Just in time for Halloween: The horrors of the British Columbia Medical Association and their online museum of old-timey medical implements and devices. Two words: Rectal retractor	(70)
	70 years ago tonight, quite a few people listening to Orson Welles' radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds" PANICKED (with audio link to original broadcast)	(122)
	2,000 year old Jesus box might not be fake, as it bears signs of having been kicked, and then dropped as if its carrier were shoved somehow	(60)
	McCain picks up intergalactic endorsement	(76)
	After Tuesday's election, Maryland and Virginia will return to paper ballots, scrapping or phasing out electronic voting machines that were once considered state of the art	(164)
	Transcripts of the phone calls to Andrew "Manuel" Sachs that caused Russell Brand to resign. Yes, they're funny	(93)
	You find your beloved aunt living in a slum. Do you A) Bring her to live with you; B) Give her a few bucks from your $600 million war chest; C) Tell her to shut her pie hole until after the election	(676)
	If you're going to send an "anthrax" letter you might not want to use your return address	(24)
	Today's award for trying the same thing and expecting a different outcome goes to Thomas Gillen, who has now been arrested twice for putting a naked photo of his wife on the internet	(44)
	15 year old plays too much CoD 4, gets his Crackbox taken away, gets mad, runs away from home. Fark: Microsoft offering $25,000 reward for anyone who finds him	(190)
	Palin effigy removed due to hanging Chad	(129)
(Some Swedish paper)	Swedish man tries to put 'X32IARO' on his vanity license plate, but plot is narrowly foiled as someone at the vehicle agency checks the combination in a rear-view mirror. Hero tag was ready, had he succeeded	(109)
	Hey, Mr Pelican, you may be a wonderful bird and your beak may even hold more than your belly can, but you're still not going to be able to swallow that dog	(45)
	Man's drinking problem finally does him in, closing the final chapter on the tragic life of a tortured aquaholic	(81)
	♫ ♪ What kind of creatures live / in an English country garden / I'll tell you now of some I know / there's the Cheetah .... wait, what? ♫ ♪	(40)
	Don't be afraid of the police officer mentalist who collects meteorites, believes man walked with the dinosaurs, volunteers as a jail chaplan and believes the rapture is near. Don't be afraid	(39)
	Just when you think you've heard all the drunk driving excuses there are, along comes this woman with her "I was keeping one eye closed so I didn't see double" gambit	(40)
(Some Guy)	Photos of World Series aftermath in the City of Brotherly Love. You stay classy, Philadelphia (odds this site will crash approaching 1:1)	(253)
	Having locked up all the other criminals in the county, police arrest man for sharing at a buffet. Your dog doesn't want anything	(75)
	After a 16-year ban, Oil City, PA can now go back to trick-or-treating after dark	(56)
	Japanese man starts up campaign to allow marriage between man and cartoon character, and he's not talking about Paris Hilton	(80)
(Holland Sentinel)	"Obama tax plan will retard growth, job creation" as opposed to Palin's plan of job growth and retard creation	(518)
	Let the carnage begin: dozens of states lining up to do their best "Florida 2000" impressions on Election Day	(112)
	If you really want to get the jury's attention, just mention a third testicle. "That's not a tiny mole"	(44)
	Louisiana prepares for 30 percent cut in buget, resulting in major cutbacks on the letter 'D'	(39)
(KXII)	Kid injures his "best friend" while they were apparently playing a friendly game of Heisman Trophy Winners and Waiters	(25)
	The 15 most exclusive clubs in Britain. Fark "Top Submitters" list nowhere to be seen	(37)
	Rule number 1: Never mess with a man's girlfriend if he owns a 16-ton digger(w/photographic evidence)	(48)
	Huffington Post writer stabs lover 222 times, then kills herself	(240)
(KSAT.com)	Teen burns down neighbor's home to prove love to girlfriend. Couldn't he have just cut his ear off or something?	(39)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these beach bums	(47)
	Santa Monica police are cracking down on the latest menace to the city's citizens: too many people exercising outside	(46)
(Some Guy)	Car slams into Starbucks, two hurt; backs up, hits another Starbucks	(107)
	Cop directing traffic stops and arrests man after recognizing his own truck driving by	(33)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 182: I, for One, Welcome.... Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(141)

Wed October 29, 2008

(Concord Monitor)	Where's the best place for a recently-released sex offender to live that reduces the availability of alone, vulnerable, unarmed victims? A parking garage, of course. With terrifying pic	(200)
	Wild wallabies are terrorising a far north Queensland retirement village, knocking over residents and defecating on lawns and patios	(53)
	Much like the government churches will gladly take your money. Then when you need that money, they will not give it back to you	(92)
	Philadelphia Phillies win their second World Series Championship. Where is your "curse" now?	(439)
(The Orange County Register)	Music teacher arrested for playing her student's flute. She was following the examples set by the band director and the principal. Pics of the hottie included	(186)
	Group of men concerned ad campaign aimed at preventing child abuse will give men a bad name. "I'd hate to see that many children might fear their fathers simply because they see this type of ad."	(118)
	Think you hate gas prices? Probably not as much as this guy	(88)
	The extra hour you're getting Nov. 2 may lower your risk for a heart attack. So go ahead and freebase that butter, slick. You're good	(51)
(Montana Substandard)	What to do after pleading guilty to embezzling $40,000 from the county's taxpayers? Send them a $92,000 bill for overtime and sick leave you didn't use while you were busy stealing their money	(54)
	Serial lingerie thief makes fourth huge snatch. Officials hope for big bust soon	(82)
	Photoshop theme: The odd one out	(75)
	Don't criticize unhelpful workers when calling an Indian call center, they will freeze your acount and change your identity to that of an Ugandan divorcee	(102)
(Some Guy)	Man registers dog to vote but dog won't vote because he is "scared of Palin. Everytime her voice comes on TV, he runs"	(93)
	Why We Can't Have Nice Things - Part 1,343,084: Woman tossed off mechanical bull sues because the operator "caused the actions of the mechanical bull to become more violent in an effort to throw the plaintiff off said bull"	(143)
	Having solved the global financial crisis, US Senators now turn their attention to the problem of NFL TV blackouts	(82)
	REMINDER: San Francisco Halloween Fark party and costume bar-crawl. Starts at 6:30 this Friday at Rogue Ale House	(82)
	Crime spree in SF area cemetery -- thousands dead	(67)
	After zombie Fred Astaire selling vacuums and zombie John Wayne selling beer, Now it is JFK's turn to be reanimated from the dead, urging you to go green	(70)
	Thanks to US Gov't bailout, Wall Street investment banks set to pay out (Gordon Gekko touches pinky to cheek) $20 BILLION in bonuses this year	(332)
	Ebert publishes "Roger's Little Rule Book" for movie critics, all of the rules violated by a famous critic he never names, but draws his examples from. Stop kicking my seat or I'll pound you	(92)
	Developer threatens to build Sex Emporium if wetlands waiver not granted. Submitter is now a tree hugger	(49)
	Pirate wench Halloween costume for young girls is raising concern amongst parents, going to make it difficult for your neighbor to "demonstrate that he is making a sincere effort to change the direction of his life"	(131)
	Drunk? Check. College student? Check. Mini Cooper? Check. Forgetting that The Italian Job was a "movie" and not real life? Check and mate	(107)
	Parishioner says Viagra-popping Catholic priest told her their sexual affair was "ordained by God." In related news, woman's $25 million negligence lawsuit "ordained" by her lawyer	(63)
	The 11 best old-school horror trailers, according to this somewhat arbitrary list. (Bonus points for it not being a slideshow)	(107)
	According to polls, six percent of Florida voters who have already voted "don't know" who they voted for	(163)
	Man claiming to be covert military ops arrested with beer keg, harmonica, wet suit, hallucinogenic mushrooms. Bonus: He was attempting to sell beer to passersby	(63)
	In another failed attempt at killing passengers, Qantas 747 jumbo jet loses weather radar and is forced to tailgate an Air New Zealand flight across the Pacific	(70)
	New York Times gets a sneak peek of the Obamercial. Reports lack of Billy Mays appearances	(198)
	Beautiful parents have beautiful daughters and ugly sons. Beautiful parents have 26 percent more baby girls. Ugly baby boy infantaside detected?	(237)
	Fed cuts key rate to negative eleventy percent	(214)
(WKYT)	Way to leave Obama hanging, Kentucky	(600)
(23/6)	Nine late October surprises that would ensure a McCain victory	(210)
	The five-point margin for Obama is the same lead Bush held in the tracking poll over Gore with six days left in the 2000 race	(197)
(Army.mil)	Old news: Woman graduates from West Point in 1981, second class to graduate females. Not news: Serves her country, pops out kids. News: One makes them the first mother-daughter West Point grads. Fark: Army milks two-year-old story as news	(28)
	Palin: Obama will remake Constitution in Karl Marx's image. ABC: Look, we were happy to run the movie which blamed 9/11 on Clinton, but this shiat has to stop	(585)
	Here's this year's canned article on undecided voters. With "What is wrong with these people?" goodness	(151)
(News-Leader)	If you rob a drug store, don't drink the morphine in the store	(51)
	Clintons make final passive-aggressive argument for or against Obama in key swing states. Maybe	(78)
	You can now buy wines branded for the HBO series "the Sopranos." This wine will be aged five years past its prime and will leave a bad taste in your mouth when it's done	(81)
	Voting problems plaguing some U.S. states. Most notably the lack of a good candidate	(143)
	It's sad to see the Muppets breaking so many laws. Cookie Monster arrested for stabbing a woman in the neck	(53)
	Jimmy Buffett to play free Obama concert in Tampa, to perform his new songs "Last Chance For Change" and "Why Don't We Get Drunk And Vote"	(155)
(Some Guy)	Obama staffers paid to spam up Fark and every other site with "Victory is inevitable. Just go home."	(540)
	What happens when the QB overthrows the end zone by ten yards but the wide receiver still tries to catch it? (With video)	(163)
	Russia ratifies treaties with Georgia. Atlanta citizens breathe sigh of relief	(37)
(US-101)	Car crashes into Republican headquarters. Driver seemed to lean to the left	(38)
	Putting the "fun" in "funeral," mortuary hires Elvis impersonator to sing and dance around replica of Presley's casket to help people see that their employees aren't creepy or weird. Yeah, that should do it	(13)
(WOODtv.com)	Setting the standard for "not news," here is what former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick had for dinner his first night in jail	(48)
	Man accused of assault with deadly centipedes	(61)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this boy and his bogus buddy	(45)
	U.S. Army thinks terrorists will use Twitter to coordinate attack. "8:01 - finished making bomb, 8:10 - Eating bowl of Captain Crunch, Allah I love this stuff, 9:15 - Strapped bomb to chest, ready to go through security, 9:17 - UFIA"	(89)
	Fish gets hernia operation. The Sun is there	(35)
	Egg throwing such a problem in Chicago at Halloween that stores pull eggs from shelves. Apparently, old safeguards against egg-throwing such as not giving out pennies to trick-or-treaters are no longer successful	(65)
	Explosions rock Somaliland. Bumper cars and carousel out of service	(32)
(Some Guy)	Archivists who studied "The Exorcist" phenomenon discuss the real case that inspired the movie and clear up some of the rumors about its connection to St. Louis	(138)
	Florida voting rolls contain dead people (Mattie Lee Blitch, dead 23 years), duplicates (Brett Ackerman, registered three times in two counties) and ineligible felons (Joseph Muro, from state mental institution for the criminally insane)	(315)
	Man shoplifts "male enhancement cream." Applies cream in bathroom. Ventures to toy aisle to "test" the effects of cream. Not satisfied with results, returns to bathroom for second cream application. Arrested	(80)
(MTV Music)	News: MTV launches music video page. Fark: Guess what the "top rated" video is	(271)
	Candidate apologizes for sultry robo call, says he's been a naughty boy and deserves to be punished	(32)
	Malaysia bans women wearing trousers and practicing yoga over fears of uncontrolled lesbianism. Next ban expected to be Ritz biscuits for being snack crackers	(82)
	If you don't want to be arrested for elderly abuse, don't dress your 85-year-old grandma in a balaclava, give her a gun and feature her in your gangsta rap video	(51)
	Taxi drivers face ban over tooting their horns outside homes	(37)
	Man claims he has proof that Jesus is watching us from Heaven after filming a Christ cloud	(101)
	Study finds that young married women increasingly sleeping around. Researchers plan to get back to that cancer thing after more in-depth look at this issue	(295)
	Military families are concerned about the poor salaries paid to new recruits which are barely above minimum wage. It's all very well for the sergeants and the corporals, but it's a nasty blow to the privates	(266)
	Not news: Dude says Jesus wasn't God, Mary wasn't a virgin and resurrection didn't happen. Fark: Dude is a Catholic priest	(318)
(WV Gazette)	"Missing pigs not safe for eating." 'Nuff said, West Virginia	(28)
(Some Guy)	Chaos! Theater accidentally shows "Sex Drive" instead of "High School Musical 3." Parent: "I could not carry my little children out before they were exposed to extremely vulgar and sexually explicit material"	(132)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this warped plastic	(48)
(Some Guy)	It's nice to see that companies aren't trying to exploit the deaths in Jennifer Hudson's family for a quick buc... oh	(122)
	In an effort to make their roads safer, Vietnam bans small-chested drivers	(45)
	Butch Cassidy -- the most notorious outlaw in the West -- may have spoken with an English accent	(61)
	Woman, 49, spends more than $1 million turning herself into "real-life Barbie." Uh, no (pics)	(148)
	Study finds that common drug prices are highest in the poorest neighborhoods. It is a redistribution of wealth, and health	(41)
	The bride's bouquet? $800. The crystal encrusted wedding dress? $25,653. The total cost of the wedding? $160,254. The fact that the bride is 16, named Missy and lives in a trailer? Priceless	(349)
	Prison guards find a cell phone on Texas' death row. Doesn't work very well considering it's in the middle of a dead zone	(72)
	"When asked how much he had to drink, he stated, 'about an hour and a half'"	(55)

Tue October 28, 2008

	Study reveals that 73 per cent of sausages contain "mystery meat" other than that which is stated on the label. Your dog wants...what is that, possum?	(100)
	"The subject said he was on probation and wanted to get off probation, so he got drunk so he could go to jail and begin serving his time."	(54)
	One second you're feuding with your girlfriend over walnuts and the next thing you know you're breaking furniture and menacing your neighbor	(54)
	When going to court for auto theft charges, it is best not to show up in a stolen car	(28)
	Man goes on mobility scooter rampage	(62)
	Thousands flee violence in the Congo. With pic of the most disorganized Congo line ever	(187)
	Pro Tip: When you're a state senator stuffing bribe money into your bra, don't do it right in front of the FBI surveilence cameras	(183)
(23/6)	See if you can do better than CNN's "Breaking News" STD ecards for politicians	(55)
(wkfs)	1. Steal cell phone, 2.Take picture with phone, 3. Update picture on MySp...err, get arrested	(50)
	Your salt and pepper shakers are trying to kill you	(66)
(PennLive)	3-day-old abandoned Labrador puppy adopted from local animal shelter by a cat. Bonus Caturday picture included	(78)
	There are easier ways of getting extra credit in class	(69)
	Christian Science Monitor newspaper to leave its corporeal form behind, aim for web-only publication and, ultimately, ascend to heaven	(101)
	Syria halts diplomacy after U.S. strikes. In other news, Syria thinks it was conducting diplomacy	(237)
	Man photographs what might be the ghost of Maid Marian, will return next week to see if he can get a picture of Sir Lens Flare (pic)	(166)
	Drew Peterson appears on the Today show, demands that his missing wife "show herself and end this nightmare". crickets chirping	(103)
	Rapper films Obama assassination video ahead of this week's drunk bubbas n guns event	(185)
	Witnesses in swinging sex case finish, prosecution rests, has a smoke	(73)
(newsherald.com)	Boy attacks car. Blames it on reefer. Cops let him go	(238)
	Journalist-assaulting, swan-wearing lunatic has solution for Iceland's economic woes	(149)
	Woman goes to court to see her home get auctioned off. Fark: Random person buys it and gives it back to her	(274)
	Evangelical teenagers have sex earlier--and more of it--than any other religious demographic	(524)
	Photoshop this terrestrial and celestial orb	(53)
	Catherine Zeta Jones will play Cleopatra in new Steven Soderbergh flick. Her husband to have a cameo as a mummy	(153)
	Wearing red boosts attraction, study says. Just don't wear red in downtown Baltimore unless you want to meet some of the local Crips	(112)
(Eagle Tribune)	Pro Tip: Never show the homeless you are serving at a soup kitchen that you have your life savings in your wallet	(115)
	Having addressed and solved all the other issues of the day, the BBC devotes valuable time and space to wondering if it's okay to hate James Bond	(106)
	Hard hitting journalism at its best: Michelle Obama shops at J. Crew	(228)
(The Gainesville Sun)	UF holds debate on creationism vs evolution. The usual stupidlarity ensues w/ bonus male nipple quote. The Gainesville Sun is there	(653)
	The history of US presidents and their limousines, including a vision of our potential Disney-esque future: The Palin skidoo cavalcade	(76)
	Airlines: Now that the cost of jet fuel is down considerably, we've decided to remove those baggage/pillow/toilet use/seatbelt surcharges..... ha ha no, we're going to keep those in effect	(120)
	Boeing reaches labor agreement with workers. Early reports indicate the "please god come back to work because we're losing $100 million a day" clause was invoked to some effect	(111)
	The best picture of a $250,000 Ferrari Modena impaled on a power pole that you will see today	(226)
	TSA announces that it has won the war on large containers of liquid, and that passengers will again be able to replenish their dehydrated husks on airplanes starting next year	(114)
	Raise your hand if you thought you'd be able to sleep peacefully tonight. Not so fast, everybody that checks out this collection of old-timey Halloween pictures. No. 8 will destroy your soul	(238)
(Science Blogs)	Staffer for VA politician breaks out a good old fashioned cane beating on an ambush videographer. This is not a repeat from 1856	(98)
(NY Review of Books)	Hugo Chavez may have his faults, but don't say that he doesn't run an efficient secret police apparatus. Seriously, don't say that	(86)
	Woman finds the words "Obama Sucks" painted on the outside of her house	(241)
	Young Somali men lured to pirate lifestyle by sex, drugs, and money. Replacing hands with hooks, legs with pegs surprisingly far down on the list	(61)
	Oregon is taking the economic crisis seriously; they want to make personal finance classes required for high school graduation	(131)
	If you've been shorting Volkswagen, baby, you just got Fahrvergnuegöwned	(119)
	The Skinhead plot to assassinate Obama is looking less like "diabolical plan by dangerous domestic terrorists" and more like "Cletus and Jethro talking smack after one too many PBRs". As predicted by Fark yesterday	(336)
	"Dispatch - we are now pursuing the car thief on foot. He seems to be running back towards where we parked the patrol car and - hey, what is he...Dispatch, put out an APB on a police cruiser..."	(19)
(Some Guy)	Egyptian couple busted in Cairo for hosting swingers' party. At least it wasn't another one of their pyramid schemes	(58)
	Scientists create fake heart. Fake brain is two years away, but fake courage still available at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels	(47)
	Top Secret: this document is eyes only for the Cabinet Office, MI5 and passengers on the 8:25 from London Waterloo	(26)
	250 attend funeral, discover someone forgot to dig a hole	(44)
(ABC15.com)	Cookie monster robs restaurants: C is for cookie - S is for sawed-off shotgun	(28)
	The Institute for Pulling Figures Out of our Arses says it takes two years, six months and 25 days for newlywed wives to stop giving hummers	(460)
	Two thirds of British children want their internet access filtered to prevent them accessing pornography	(95)
	Please, please arrest me officer and throw me in the back of your police van	(36)
(Some Guy)	What do you get when you cross a stolen bicycle, a fork, and 10 pounds of frozen chicken in a plastic bag? Apparently four years, $2000 and one hell of a head injury	(17)
	Good news: if you are a jerk; scientists prove it is not your fault. But you already believed that, didn't you?	(59)
	Catholic Bishops called for the use of "radio, internet, CDs, DVDs, iPods, TVs and cinemas" to spread the Bible, proving that even a guy sitting on a throne in silk clothes while clutching a golden staff thinks Blu-Ray is too expensive	(63)
	Photoshop this monk in the Temple of One Million Beer Bottles	(47)
(Some Guy)	Driver dodges certain disaster by extinguishing a lit cigarette with nearby pond	(28)
	The greatest robo-call ever causes California voters' poles to lean to the right	(57)
(Bellingham Herald)	Not news: Three drunks kicked out store. News: They decide to moon the owner and break the store's front window with their bare butts. FARK: Two patrons in store seek vigilante justice with baseball bat	(36)
	Yoga and trumpets could make you go blind	(34)
	Man pulls up next to deputy, chucks full beer can into his car, takes off, escapes during a high-speed chase, is spotted later on foot by the drenched deputy, gets tased, and is hauled into jail laughing. Ta da	(54)
	A bunch of 10-year-olds prove if you've lost money on the stock market you're doing it wrong	(74)
	Teen hit by car, dragged into the woods and left for dead is being sued by driver's employer for damages the company car sustained when it broke both his legs	(80)
	The Dalai Lama vows to use paper plates from now on. Or maybe I just misunderstood this headline	(53)
	Nanny state tells woman to paint her house yellow or go to jail	(86)
	HOA removes soldier's welcome home decorations because they could be viewed as political and supporting the war. Why do they hate America?	(228)
	You know who else liked to pay high prices for Nazi memorabilia?	(111)

Mon October 27, 2008

(Some Eugenie)	Teens excuse for speeding at 107 though construction zone: A. Pregnant and in labor. B. Being chased by crazed stalker. C. She had trouble seeing while talking on her cell phone	(126)
	Actual headline: "Spicy pork sausage found in 'soiled diapers'". Whoa, too much information	(71)
	If you drop your cell phone in the train toilet, dude, just let it go because...it's just gone	(87)
	Well, now we know where the smell in Jersey is coming from	(64)
	Man invents new exercise called "laughter yoga," or as your wife refers to it, sex	(56)
	Iranian general admits to arming those pesky "liberation" armies in the Middle East	(201)
(Some Guy)	Is our children simulating sex in class? "Sophomore Christine Runco, who played the crucial part of the "penis" in the presentation, said that "words failed her"	(152)
	Donald Trump sues reporter for $5 billion for calling him a mere millionaire, hopes to win the suit and become a billionaire	(84)
	Today's FARK-ready headline: "Donny & Marie Extend Las Vegas Strip Show"	(49)
	News: thieves steal a 700-pound metal fence. Not news: they did it during the day, with no protest from neighbors...who were home. Fark: as scrap, it's only worth $7	(72)
	Man drives drunk to protest drunk driving charge. Dude, you're doing it wrong	(28)
	Photoshop this burnt-out bus	(85)
(Some Guy)	Man arrested for wasting beer	(36)
(Some Guy)	If you've been repeatedly placing a Muppet in the driver's seat of your car and racing past speed cameras, the German police would like a word with you	(129)
	Einstein once said: "There are two things that are infinite; the universe and human stupidity. And, I'm not too sure about the universe." With pic goodness	(85)
	Maine woman celebrates her 20th birthday by getting caught by state police with 16 grams of cocaine hidden in her vagina	(340)
	Hugo Chavez's ambitions to make Venezuela a regional power are going to fail, thanks to the impact of falling oil prices on a country whose only exports are beauty queens and insults about Yanquis	(95)
	NYC cop named "Mustached American of the Year". "Tim doesn't sit around pondering whether his mustache is in fashion this season - it's always mustache season to Tim."	(97)
(WOODtv.com)	Ex-Detroit Mayor reports to jail tomorrow. Here's a detailed description of his cell	(72)
	Writer for The Standard calls to check on last week's iPhones on Capitol Hill story, discovers he's only the second person to try to confirm the article (and that it's false)	(45)
	Reuters is reporting that Reuters has evacuated its newsroom in powder scare, has no idea who wrote this article	(47)
	Headline: Feds foil skinhead plot to assassinate Obama. Article: two bubbas with guns, no estimation of chances of success. EVERYBODY PANIC	(874)
	Senator Stevens just had his tubes tied	(478)
	Woman files harassment charges after boss tosses coins down her pants while co-worker yells "Jackpot." No word on what he did with debit card	(121)
	Fark headlines of the week for October 20 - October 26	(66)
	You don't want to go through with a wedding, especially as you're already married to someone else, so being the rational person you are, you: C) Set fire to the hotel where the wedding was to take place	(55)
	Cops demanded laptops in cruisers. Now demand extra pay because they have to use them	(170)
	"High School Musical" and "Saw V" top box office this weekend. Sequel idea: The cast of "High School Musical" picked off one by one in "Saw VI." It's a win-win	(170)
	Man's first barbecue was 790,000 years ago. And yet, we still debate the "Eight buns per pack/10 hot dogs per pack" dilemma	(254)
(WPTV.com)	Victim's brother blindsides suspect with flying forearm in courtroom (video)	(161)
(Marine Corps Times)	Not news: Corporal finishes Marine Corps Marathon in 5.5 hours. Fark: He did it with his left leg still in Afghanistan	(142)
(Some Guy)	Man unwittingly dials 911 while stealing ammonia. Dispatcher able to give police play-by-play as he rounded the bases	(81)
	Yeah, that's right. I hit that guy several times with my car, then dragged his carcass two-and-a-half miles. So what? I'm still gonna smile when I get my picture taken	(100)
	Another sign of the failing economy: Booming gun sales	(599)
	Busted Kansas politician caught red-handed with opponent's signs	(148)
	Small-town politics comes to the Internet as local police hound the poster of a sobriety checkpoint warning. Fark: Police chief acknowledged the item did nothing illegal	(131)
	Flights delayed after airport officials unable to clear a tiny poodle from the runway	(61)
	Every major economic downturn, from the oil crisis of the 1970s to the financial crisis of 2008, coincides with the release of an AC/DC album	(120)
	"Further tests are being done to see what kind of projectile was lodged in his buttocks"	(53)
	World's heaviest man gets married. The bride looked radiant as she stepped out of a limo, wearing a dress by Valentino. The groom was jubilant, arriving by flatbed truck, wearing sheets by JC Penney	(241)
	The stress of recklessly spouting off and running his country into the ground has gotten to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad	(99)
	Body of young boy found in Chicago. May be the missing nephew of Jennifer Hudson	(281)
	Remember that foul ball Ryan Howard caught in Game 1 of the World series that any normal fan would have tried to grab? Turns out that lazy fan was Ronde Barber	(109)
	Not satisfied with their annual recognition during Thanksgiving, Indians push for awareness and acceptance of Diwali	(67)
	It may have been an exaggeration to call Pius XII "Hitler's Pope," but his shot at sainthood is probably lower than Drew's	(59)
(My Fox)	Yes or no: Should not the disallowance of use of misdirecting language not be used to confuse Michigan voters on whether or not to disallow the ban on alcohol sales on Sunday?	(195)
	A leading French brain surgeon has been sent to Pyongyang to operate on Kim Jong Mentally-ill	(57)
	Photoshop this close-up croc	(31)
	Scientists discover Earth-like planet actually exists in the same star system where Spock's home planet Vulcan is located	(241)
	I'm proud of the support of former Secretaries of State: Baker, Kissinger, Haig, Eagleburger, and ah, ah, ah, one other	(320)
	University researches butternut squashes, then sends them out of state to be peeled and cut before being trucked back for student meals. Are they out of their gourds?	(30)
	The dismal economy is causing more parents to tell their college-bound kids, "Goodbye UCLA, and hello Ed's Discount School of Book-Learnin' and Bait Shop"	(221)
	Police force spends $55,000 on new logo that looks exactly like their old logo	(91)
	Green-conscious cyclists and walkers are barred from using a park-and-ride because they don't take the bus	(47)
(One HUGE ball)	The coolest video of an ENORMOUS beach ball being dropped from a tall building you'll see today	(121)
(Wilson Quarterly)	In defense of polls: They produce what democracy is supposed to -- equal representation of all citizens. Rigorously egalitarian, designed so each citizen has equal chance and voice in participation. Also, without them, strippers would fall down	(62)
	Tattooed Leopard Man returns from remote island exile (perhaps for terrible revenge on society)	(48)
	The new canned drink that tastes of cigarettes. Of course, you could just buy a Coke and smoke a cigarette	(92)
	Rats now outnumber humans in filthy Britain, who is desperately seeking a charismatic flautist	(76)
	Just because your husband has Alzheimer's, and you have Power of Attorney, doesn't mean you can change his vote in the election	(67)
	Dalmatian and white tiger are best friends (with sappy pic). The Sun is there	(54)
	News: Police investigate animal cruelty case in Scotland. Fark: It turned out to be a statue. Even farkier: It had a cigarette in its mouth	(27)
	Photoshop this beaming ballboy	(42)
	Having an Outward Bound adventure where cell phones and GPS devices are banned seemed like such a great idea, until the part where 2,500 people almost died	(99)
	Believe it or not, people fined for panhandling very rarely actually pay the fine	(61)
	You think YOU hate Daylight Savings Time?	(185)
(Some Guy)	Man plans to end violent crime by teaching yoga to gang members. Yeah, good luck with that	(62)