Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-10-05 23:59:59'

If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

Not News Sports Business Geek Showbiz Politics Music Video All

These links may be stale and generate errors. Can't do much about it. Tastes like chicken.

(Headline T-Shirts are still available for archive links.)

Sun October 05, 2008

	Today's kids are more worried about their parents taking drugs than the other way round	(36)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these researchers and their radiated rats	(29)
(kare11.com)	Man spends 2 months in jail due to his deodorant being mistaken for cocaine. That stinks	(47)
	Never piss off your wife if you've stolen 16 million dollars worth of equipment from the US Navy	(72)
	Mom drops baby from malfunctioning carnival ride while hanging by one leg; crowd catches her. TaDahhhh	(77)
	New law kicks in, raising speeding fines from $250 up to $5000	(137)
	92-year-old woman pulls gun on paramedics, saying "I'm not dead. I feel happy"	(54)
	Japanese cat stationmaster has singlehandedly contributed 1.1 billion yen to the local economy	(76)
	Redneck recipe: Mix equal parts booze and firearms in a trailer park, and BAM	(37)
	Police are investigating a violent, suburban gang formed on an up-scale high school campus called The Fluffy Bunny Crew	(109)
	I would like a layover in Denver, a near miss in Miami, a meal in Minneapolis, and a cancellation in Toledo. Oh, and can I get my bags lost somewhere over North Dakota? Thanks	(66)
	Taliban furious over US missile strike because they expected rainbows and unicorns after that whole WTC business	(306)
	At last, Wikipedia teaches something useful: How to speak like the Swedish Chef. Bork	(84)
	More men taking their wives' last names	(402)
	The War on Terror comes to suburban farms: "disclosure of the exact count of livestock is restricted by Homeland Security regulations"	(76)
(digital spy)	Old lady arrested for tire slashing spree. Ordered to knit sweaters as punishment. No really	(34)
	Photoshop these standing stones	(38)
	All you need to do is give Kim Jong Il a red-and-white striped shirt and a knit cap and you'd have a great new game on your hands	(38)
	Manhattan real estate beginning to show signs of impending failure. Apartment prices plummeting to a mere $26 gazillion per sq/ft	(93)
(Some Guy)	Whiskey? Check. India Pale Ale? Check. Huckleberries? Check. Let's go camping	(57)
(Sunday Gazette Mail)	Who can commit a federal crime in front of 10,000 witnesses and get away with it? Chuck. No, the other Chuck	(143)
	News: Hippies open "outdoor preschool" where kids spend the entire day outdoors, no matter what the weather Fark.com: In icy Canada	(159)
(Some Guy)	Pizza is older than Jesus	(98)
(WSBT 2)	Female MIDDLE School teacher (√) Child seduction charge involving female student (√) Pic (√). Hot( ) or God my eyes( )?	(162)
	Wall Street is likely to reject the bailout bill	(314)
(Some Guy)	Caption what's confusing these girls	(115)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this abandoned post office	(49)
	Need your candidate to win in the next election? Cut the brake lines of anyone with the opposing party's signs so they die before election day	(164)
	Tip: If you plan on getting killed in public and having your body identified later on, this is not the way to do it	(64)
	Judge gives a heroin addict who had already committed 145 crimes one more chance	(76)
(TVNZ)	Guy gets custom license plate "STOWLN" for his car. Guess what happened next	(75)
(Troy Eccentric)	Drunk guy would've gotten away with crash at the Big Beaver off-ramp if he hadn't joined a group of strangers at TGI Friday's, ordering them drinks then refusing to pay	(66)
(Some Guy)	Attempt to breed an endangered turtle's last known female with China's last known male has failed. In their defense, though, she is 80 and he is 100	(49)

Sat October 04, 2008

	Idiots win	(254)
	Good news, everyone. Hospitals will no longer be paid for making you sick and then treating you	(78)
	Photoshop this creepy crawler	(55)
	10 more things to blame on Bridget Jones, but big underwear is still on the list	(60)
(Some Chick)	Parents learn God is not a doctor: teen dies as parents pray	(369)
	Why men cheat, written for women. Also known as blah blah blah	(255)
	Old and busted: Cops tasing people for stupid reasons. New hotness: Cops offing themselves for stupid reasons	(56)
(Some Guy)	Bud Light launches new marketing blitz touting its "drinkability." Coors responds by launching campaign touting its "pour-it-down-the-sink-ability"	(89)
(Some Guy)	Fire Prevention Week kicked off by setting fires, having a barbecue	(13)
	South Korea pays for gyms for obese children, because they can't just play... outside	(33)
	Man arrested for being stabbed	(65)
	Killing your 80 year old inlaws with flamethrower = success. Stabbing yourself in the stomach to commit suicide..not so much	(46)
	Old and busted: Pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness. New hotness: hair extentions for breast cancer awareness	(43)
(Some manly man)	A pink fire truck: because firefighters just can't seem to attract the attention of women any other way	(65)
	Shockingly, residents who stayed in Galveston during Hurricane Ike died	(192)
(Some Guy)	Step 1: Find love letters between your wife and another man. Step 2: Force her to steal a Mercedes to prove her love to you. Step 3: Wrap the car in plastic so your "big dogs don't scratch it."	(32)
	Mother of the year candidate charged $25 to $45 for her 15-year-old daughter	(115)
	Teachers unions want members to be able to sleep with their students as a kind of job perk	(71)
	More women rejecting three-figure cut and styles in favor of the sort of $5 haircuts you get at the place next to the garage	(118)
	Man struck by lightening while pumping gas. Changes shorts, goes back to finish fill-up next day	(38)
	Mankind's most bored individual reads 22,000-page Oxford English Dictionary in its entirety: "Sometimes I would wake up and start reading at three in the morning because I was so excited"	(87)
	Not only is kangaroo meat cheaper than beef or mutton, it's better for the atmosphere. Because marsupials have tiny farts	(79)
(Some Guy)	If you stole the "Home of Mr. Wiener" sign, when the police stop laughing they'd like a word with you	(28)
	Either Elvis or Kim Jong-il has been spotted at a college soccer match in Pyongyang	(19)
(KTVL.com)	Don't Drink and trike: 58-year-old man arrested on adult tricycle	(41)
(Some Guy)	Vietnamese-raised prawns are the latest in a long list of foods that might kill you. Prwnd	(56)
(Some Guy)	You know those flouescent bulbs that everyone tells you are good for the planet? Well, maybe not so much	(230)
(Some Guy)	Fastest growing employment sector in British Columbia? 'Clippers' who tend to illegal marijuana plantations	(52)
(Irish Times)	Watering down a drink in Ireland? That'll be a $3400 fine	(50)
	Gangs of "religious Police" roam the street stoning immodestly dressed women and torching stores with internet capabale devices. Is this A) Taliban-controlled Afghanistan b) Saudi Arabia or C) Israel	(441)
	Photoshop this communications tower	(42)
	Rare giant salamanders that bark like dogs found in Washington. Your salamander wants steak	(63)
(Focus)	Muslim cleric in Saudi Arabia has called on women to wear a full veil, or niqab, that reveals only one eye. The lack of depth perception will hide exactly how closely their husband is standing to that young boy	(242)
	Want to save the world? That's nice. Want to tell the world how to do it? Really nice. Being drunk and dial emergency services more than 30 times? That's FARK.com	(20)
	Assistant high school principal who sprayed fighting students with pepper spray apologizes, accepts suspension and demotion with grace and humility. Just kidding	(90)
	In an attack of conscience, 50 years later, guy returns plaque he stole. Also apologizes for pantsing a guy, giving a wedgie, and cutting math class in 10th grade. Will send himself to his room	(29)
	English pork pies granted "protected status" by EU, despite the fact that it's hard to imagine anyone voluntarily eating one	(63)
	Unarmed coffee shop waitress chases down bank robber, orders him to freeze or she'll shoot, then singlehandedly subdues him	(84)
	Travis County, Texas owes the City of Austin $10,000 in traffic fines, complains it's unfair for vehicle owners to be held responsible for drivers' misdeeds	(35)
(Some Guy)	And now for something completely different... here are some words that rhyme with orange	(177)
	It's not true that foreigners dislike Americans... it's just our government they can't stand	(380)
(LC Sun-News)	Step 1: Call woman who takes your parking spot a beyotch in front of a cop. Step 2. Get thrown, cuffed and threatened with a tazer. Step 3: This is Fark, you know the drill (Tag for the city's finest)	(100)
	Nearly a quarter of Americans still think a woman should go make them a sandwich and shut the hell up while they're watching the damn game	(288)
(Some Guy)	One in four drivers has no friggin' idea what road signs mean. You probably came to this conclusion independently years ago	(109)
	Scottish cats teach relaxation techniques. With photographic help for a nice and relaxing Caturday	(542)
	Parents get all bent out of shape over yoga classes in public school	(138)
	Photoshop this bunch of pelicans	(54)
	Man who drank Wite-Out to mask the alcohol on his breath and avoid a DUI has been sentenced to two years in jail and four years of internet infamy	(44)
	Top Army brass ban the public from sending Christmas presents to war zones because the gifts clog up the postal system	(64)
	Atheist group sues President Bush over national prayer day claiming it creates a "hostile environment for nonbelievers, who are made to feel as if they are political outsiders,"	(395)
(Some Guy)	Man charged for trying to start naked karate fight with neighbors. Vodak was involved	(42)
	This one time, at band camp	(47)
(Some Guy)	70-year-old woman beats up her daughter's 20-year-old boyfriend, gets booked under suspicion of first-degree terroristic threatening and felony abuse	(34)
	LA surrender ends the Taco Truck war, the bacon-wrapped hot dog police action to still go forward	(51)
	The only thing that these faulty towers are missing is John Cleese	(70)
	OJail	(644)
(Some Guy)	Even Canadian criminals are polite: convict accidently released from jail returns when asked	(41)
	It could soon be an "offence for children between 13 and 15 to have sex" in Scotland. Sheep unaffected. Scottish trifecta now in play	(44)
	Beachgoers mistake fog on the ocean for an approaching tsunami. Havoclarity ensues	(25)
	What is Rahm Emanuel whispering in Nancy Pelosi's ear?	(115)
	Birds chirping at weird hours? Lightning bugs not mating? Frogs and salamanders being temporarily blinded? These are some of the concerns of the International Dark-Sky Association. In other news, there is an International Dark-Sky Association	(68)
	Shhhh, the US has attacked suspected militant hideouts in Pakistan... shhhhhh	(93)
	Do you wish you had a bigger house? Just buy your next-door neighbor's house and build a hallway. Mansion accomplished	(63)
	Lost man crashes into a map shop	(55)
	Landlord hid 7 cameras in various apartments, videotaping 34 women over two decades. [with "heh heh I'm a perv" mugshot goodness]	(86)

Fri October 03, 2008

(Some cold wet naked guy)	Restaurant no longer allowed to give a free sandwich to patrons who jump into lake naked. The terrorists have officially won	(47)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this aristocratic troller and his minion	(35)
	Student arrested for setting off bomb that injured five students and closed down entire campus, just "wanted to get out of class for the day"	(47)
	Fannie Mae "forgives" woman's entire home loan after she shot herself twice when deputies tried evicting her. I can't speak for the rest of Wall Street, but expect Smith & Wesson's stock to skyrocket	(164)
	Said the helicopter pilot, "As God as my witness, I thought moose could fly"	(100)
	...and the number one thing to do after wrecking your car during a high-speed gun battle: ask for some milk	(34)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Cops set up roadblock to stop a man who led police on 11 mile long low-speed chase. Fark: On a bicycle	(48)
	The five most overrated jobs of all time. Fark Modmin strangely absent	(109)
	School axes speliing homework because precious little snowflakes find it too stressful	(111)
(Some Guy Smiley)	Woman brings rabid bat to school. How many children will need $800 vaccinations today? One child...two children...three children....? Ah, ah, ah	(67)
	Jacket sold with free Swiss Army knife makes Brits pee themselves in fear. The Sun is there	(295)
	"Police to offer free sobriety checks tonight." Yeah, submitter's not falling for THAT again	(58)
	This week's mug shot round up gets a thumbs-up from #3	(196)
	More educators getting doctorates from diploma mills: "In many places, there's an implied deal: 'You get in, you pay your tuition and we don't work you very hard.' "	(95)
	English academics have nothing better to do these days than issue statements to the press insisting, "I'm not Dumbledore"	(22)
(nrtoday.com)	You're evading police so you don't get caught for drunk driving. Do you: c) stop by your kids' school to pick them up	(17)
	"I think Halloween is becoming Hookerween"	(339)
	Studies sponsored by the Corn Refiners Association show that High Fructose Corn Syrup is the same as sugar. Additionally, studies show that Brawndo has the electrolytes that plants crave	(253)
	Hey Detroit, guess what happens when you let a video game company design a car? It looks freaking sweet, that's what	(193)
	British lorry driver calls "reading while driving" woman and raises with "watching Battlestar Galactica via laptop perched on dashboard"	(40)
	Van Morrison to perform "Astral Weeks" in its entirety November 7 and 8 at the Hollywood Bowl, with a live album to follow	(82)
	Controversial new Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck art exhibition aims at showing "the consequences of violence," by depicting realistic, blood splattered cartoon favorites. Unsurprisingly, exhibit is a hit with children	(179)
	The faltering economy is the reason your nipples are somewhere around your knees	(88)
(Some Guy)	People in Scotland are being urged to try lower alcohol beer, pour smaller glasses and choose at least two alcohol-free days every week. Are ye daft?	(64)
(Some Guy)	"I was trying to roll a joint" is not a good excuse to tell the cops after crashing your car	(45)
	Great Pumpkin missing. One Linus Van Pelt sought for questioning by authorities	(35)
	Cops use GPS units to track bank thieves and stolen money to their hideout, then make no arrests. Sounds like Congress	(24)
	Space porn on hold after Virgin says no means no	(82)
	On the first day of "Bank Transfer Fraud Elimination Month", two elderly people are defrauded by bank transfer	(22)
	Grey African parrot Charlie is a gangsta rap fan, loves chicken tikka masala curry and only says w****r	(71)
	Lost WWII submarine the USS Grunion has been found. Navy says it's been waiting for the thing to jump up onto a beach for decades now	(111)
	Sporting goods store named Dick's wants a bigger sign. It's Dick's and it knows: size matters	(55)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this double-breasted day-tripper	(58)
	News: brawl breaks out after concert. Fark: It was a Celine Dion concert	(53)
	Boy's death attributed to the newest ultra dangerous game called "run and jump" which apparently should not be played when there's a sharp hook in the room	(84)
	House passes bailout with Senate amendments. God help us all	(1716)
	Parts of McCain's autobiography "read like a bad Ian Fleming novel, with his Vietnamese captors cast as nefarious Bond villains: 'They taught you too well, Mac Kane,' Cat snarled, kicking over a chair"	(154)
	Llamas are good at fending off coyotes, can detect caffeine, have catchy songs about them, and will eventually be our overlords. This is bad news... for a llama	(78)
	It's now illegal to take "unchivalrous" photos of drunk girls in Scotland	(184)
(The Edmonton Sun)	Did you know prostitution is an addiction? No, not for johns, but for prostitutes	(118)
	Can't sell your house? Trade it for another one	(17)
	Teacher discussing Obama writes "change" as an acronym on the board and then writes a word under each letter. Guess what he wrote under the "N". The tag will probably give you an idea	(456)
	"Offensive" statue that has welcomed visitors to Utah state park for 19 years moved because the male figure is too anatomically correct. Like the men in Utah, it has a penis but lacks balls	(111)
(Some Guy)	This house has some great features. French doors in the main entry-way, a grand spiral staircase leading to the second floor, a beautiful sun room off the back with a dead body in it	(43)
	Three charged over novel attack, although it was nice to have some originality for a change	(27)
	Sure, it's dangerous to drive a car while talking on a cell phone, but when you attempt to drive while chatting AND reading, well, you're just asking to crash into a parked car	(32)
(The Sun)	Old and busted: diversity workshops New hotness: speed hating	(44)
	If you had "California" as the next institution to request a bailout in the credit crunch pool, please step forward to collect your prize	(235)
(WRCB)	Buttocks Shooter gets 87 Months. Judge says "He'll get his in the end"	(28)
	"World's Heaviest Man" has lost over 550 pounds, will get back 150 pounds instantly by putting a ring on his fiancee's finger	(130)
(PJStar.com)	Attorneys grill a witness for an hour. The wrong witness	(33)
(Albany Times Union)	British cannon captured by Americans in 1777 returned to its original fighting position. The terrorists have finally won	(48)
	Britain's most prolific wartime tunnel-digger and one of the men behind the Great Escape has died aged 95. Or HAS he?	(56)
(lc sun-news)	Medieval man assaults girlfriend with crossbow. With no catapult available, decides to storm convenience store with his horse...err truck	(46)
	BBC releases reassuring tape made for use in event of nuclear war, includes calming quotes like "Remember, there is nothing to be gained by trying to get away"	(130)
(Some Guy)	Firefighter makes plans to marry arsonist. Truly a match lit in Heaven	(46)
(Some Quicktrigger Guy)	Researchers at UCLA have patented a way for women to orgasm in three minutes, finish the same time as their guy	(296)
	Parents on vacation? So why not throw a big party, torture the rabbits, rip off wallpaper and urinate on the carpets?	(103)
	How much is a 60 day supply of pot? Evidently it's 24 ounces plus 15 plants	(137)
(News Press)	Firefighter resigns over improper use of his hose	(38)
	10 people from your past who will haunt you on Facebook. More true than funny	(215)
(BIsmarck Tribune)	Truck driver forgets important driving rule: drive on the road, puts nuclear missile in ditch and rings up $5.6 million towing bill	(132)
	Police are looking for a naked man driving a ute who pulled up next to a teen girl and performed an indecent act. What the hell is a ute?	(173)
	Health Department shuts down salon that featured tiny carp that would eat the dead skin off people's feet. "You can clean files and other equipment, but there is just no way to sanitize live fish."	(107)
	Nicorette? The Patch? Those are for pussies. Real men quit smoking by being beaten with broomsticks and motorcycle helmets	(94)
	Putin threatens Ukraine for supplying arms to Georgia. Urkraine gruffly insists it is not weak, sends Risk board flying across subway car	(61)
	Photoshop this silkmoth	(43)
(Some Guy)	Flexible Fred, a law library's plastic-skeleton mascot, can no longer be put on public display. "We have had a neighbor complain that Flexible Fred is scaring her children. Please do NOT put him near any window."	(102)
(Some Guy)	Accused diamond thief hopes that Steven Spielberg will make a movie on his life. "He would be my ticket out of here, so I can pay all these people back, so I could make a lot of money and never touch diamonds again."	(30)
(Some Guy)	The best part of the debate coverage was 22 seconds before the candidates took the stage	(259)
	DUI charges dropped because fermented mare's milk is not listed as an alcoholic beverage. Try getting away with that outside of Kazakhstan	(50)
	Hellish conditions found at Almost Heaven Kennel	(69)
	Don't you hate picking a fallen branch off your lawn and it turns out to be a 17ft Python? (with pics)	(66)
(ENS)	The western snowy plover, the southwestern willow flycatcher, the Buena Vista Lake shrew, the California tiger salamander, the Munz's onion and the San Jacinto Valley crownscale all sue George Bush	(35)
(Some Guy)	Kansas mayor apologizes for appearing in blackface. Bonus, his name is pronounced "koon"	(78)
(Some Guy)	47-year-old Math teacher pretends to be a 16-year-old boy and has sex with a 15-year-old girl. Girl was suspicious because he drove a minivan and they only did it once	(131)
	New Jersey police officer and girlfriend arrested for molesting 3 young girls, 4 cows	(100)

Thu October 02, 2008

	Darwin alive and well and editing the gene pool in NZ	(49)
	Moran blames cat for fatal accident. Four scotch and cokes, speeding certainly not to blame. (And who the fark mixes scotch with coke?)	(154)
(Some Chick)	A man confronted a burglar with a .22 rifle. When the burglar tried to flee the man shot him in both kneecaps	(189)
	Not news: Man gets sent to jail. News: Moments after getting out of jail. Fark: For breaking into cars in the jail parking lot	(20)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this conscious entity that is foolproof and incapable of error	(71)
(Some Guy)	News: Teacher allegedly violates principle of Church/State separation by teaching creationism. Fark: at a school named for Thomas Jefferson	(160)
	20% of teachers in Britain want a return to the cane to keep order in the classroom, restore meat eating/having pudding ratio	(78)
	Vice Presidential Debate discussion thread 3: The Nukular Option	(4024)
	When you're driving around with a car full of fireworks, it's wise not light up a cigarette, or you may find the police responding to "a black 1997 Infinity smoking in the middle of the street"	(14)
	Vice Presidential Debate discussion thread II: Biden/Palin Boogaloo	(1908)
(Some Guy)	Not News: Man arrested for drunk driving. News: Man blows a .30 Fark: Man is local news anchor who was caught intentionally ramming vehicles while drunk	(24)
	"Luxury" movie theater opens in Chicago suburbs, complete with reclining armchairs and waiter service. But the $35 ticket price is likely worth the lack of noisy babies and kids alone	(162)
	Today's WTF: Packets of mackerel replacing cigarettes as prison currency. Slip me a fish	(42)
(Some Hanes Enthusiast)	When robbing a Sonic, putting underwear on your head is a great disguise (w/photo goodness)	(31)
	You know a hotel is good when even the local elephants use it during their annual migration. w/cool pics	(34)
	27 passengers on a Greyhound bus may have been infected with TB. Greyhound officials stress that the risk is only moderate, so please don't lose your head	(52)
	Study says panhandlers make as much as $40/hr., have substance abuse problems, not homeless. Who knew?	(105)
	Seven-year-old breaks into reptile farm, feeds most of it to its resident alligator	(132)
	Not news: Torrential rains cause flash floods, killing 30. Fark: in the Sahara Desert	(44)
	Human remains found near Steve Fossett crash site	(151)
	Elvis sighting. Is alive and well... traveling in Europe	(39)
	Massachusetts town moves Halloween to November 1	(129)
	Ricocheted bullet hits man in teeth, man promptly spits it right back out. Thank God for Poligrip	(71)
(Florida Today)	Ugly-ass p-p-piglet born in Melbourne, Florida. Will start bailing shortly (with snouty pic)	(38)
	If you are going to falsely claim to be a navy war hero and wear the uniform at your wedding... at least make sure that your hat and uniform match	(190)
	Politician punches out interviewer on live TV. No, not that one. Not that one either	(59)
	Actual headline: Watermelon-eating dog prompts stabbing	(53)
	Britain's top policeman resigns in order to spend more time catching up on "Point Break," "Bad Boys 2"	(89)
	Nineteen-year-old man arrested for smearing peanut-butter-covered fingers on forehead of classmate with peanut allergy. With pic of assault weapon	(328)
	National newspaper fires subeditors, asks reporters to type their stories directly onto the page. what cound posible go? wrong	(65)
	♫ I'm in a coma from a moonflower. Moonflower, moonflower ♫	(105)
	Surprising no one, the project to rebuild Ground Zero will be $500 million overbudget and take three years longer than expected to complete	(163)
	In a desperate move to save lives, CT town warns high school students about the dangers of squirt guns. Wait, what?	(50)
	"Slutty clothes, nude modelling, bad language -- it's all fine so long as you do it with the right accent"	(158)
(Freely, I P)	You really couldn't ask for a more embarrassing Bart Simpson-shaped scar than this one	(211)
	The Quebec Human Rights Commission is about to make a landmark decision on.... how to use silverware	(81)
	When using a friend's ID to avoid arrest, make sure he doesn't already have a warrant out for his arrest	(22)
	Driving the forklift you just stole down the middle of the road isn't exactly the most subtle way to do it, but okay	(42)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Challenge: Colorize this vintage fashion statement	(48)
	Playboy magazine is offering a new way to lose your shirt on Wall Street	(124)
	Man running with gun arrested in Loop. Man running with gun arrested in Loop. Man running with gun arrested in Loop. Man running with gun arrested in Loop	(104)
	Note to self: When transporting a leaking propane tank, be really careful to discharge static electricity before grabbing it	(59)
(Journal Times)	It's always nice to make new friends at work. But not if you're a corrections officer, the new friend is an inmate, and he gets you to join a street gang	(33)
(Some Guy)	Newspapers around the world mistake one hot librarian for another	(100)
	Another teacher charged with having sex with student -- this time from South Buffalo. Teacher/student sex trifecta in play (with "sorta want" pic)	(134)
	One fish, two fish, red fish, OMFG	(164)
	Paul Small took the fall after making a call that started a brawl with an officer of the law carrying a chainsaw	(47)
	Atlanta firefighters test new $1 million rescue vehicle by flipping it	(65)
	Some people learn too late that it's not a good idea to bring a squeegee to a taser fight	(22)
	Foreign Medical graduates being recruited to serve the medical needs of the meth addled and the inbred of Appalachia. A medical crisis or the set up for a wacky Fox Sitcom? You decide	(76)
	Ohio company offers pink camo "Sarah-Cuda" hunting bow to honor Palin's "passion for hunting" and "women who bear the responsibility of family and work while strengthening the moral fiber of society."	(197)
(Some Guy)	Michigan's Macomb County Commissioner voted "Hottest Politician." Bonus: She has a stripper pole in her bedroom	(187)
	Russian government admits it killed the Tsar, plans to confess to Litvinenko murder in 2095	(60)
	You taze the good, you taze the bad, you taze them both and there you have a suicide. A SUICIDE	(158)
	Larry Flynt to shoot porn flick with Sarah Palin lookalike. Subby's suggestion for title: "Railin' Palin." Voting enabled in case you have a better one	(621)
(EurekAlert)	Urban blacks "weigh more, get pregnant at a younger age, and are more likely to die violent deaths." Of course, this refers to bears	(59)
(The West Australian)	If you see a cute little animal in Perth, Australia, please call authorities so it can be killed	(50)
	Georgian militiamen raid Russian-controlled South Ossetia and set fire to buildings. WOLVERINES	(94)
	Female passenger claims male JetBlue flight attendant sexually harassed her. Do we know she's lying because: A) She was flying into Newark? Or B) She claims the guy was straight?	(99)
	German poet who has been dead for more than 200 years getting threatening letters from state authorities warning him he's seriously behind in paying his taxes	(42)
	In the event of an anthrax attack, your mailman could deliver antibiotics, Pottery Barn catalog	(28)
(Some gullible kids)	Homeless teen couple surprised to find the man doing twice daily vaginal exams was not, in fact, a real doctor	(147)
	Bozos pose as bounty hunters, try to round up fugitives in elderly home. Hilarity ensues	(33)
	Old and busted: Gnawing your own arm off after sex. New hotness: Shooting your own arm off after no sex	(26)
	"Fishing Rodeo" opens in Destin. Contestants still trying to figure out how to get saddles on the fish	(23)
	Wreckage of Steve Fossett's plane located. Search for body to begin in 42, 23, 16, 15, 8, 4	(300)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)	Today's "30 cats, four goats, 20 to 30 chickens, 50 rabbits, nine dogs and a duck in a tiny two bedroom house" story is brought to you by Ross Township, PA. With bonus picture of a woman holding her cock	(52)
	Mr. Clean takes a dirt nap	(47)
	Authorities shocked as human remains are found in a cemetery	(46)
(Some Guy)	Several students confess to having sex with Tennessee teacher. Article has a picture of her so that you can confirm that the students have good taste	(246)
	The seven habits of highly ineffective terrorists	(75)
	Cash-strapped local government spends $150,000 on a pair of giant dominoes. Taxpayers predictably thrilled	(71)
	Teacher busted for marijuana possession. Fark: Cops found him stoned in the school parking lot at 1:30 in the morning, passed out in his car	(105)
	Parents tell 36-year-old comic book-obsessed daughter to tidy her room. So she goes online to hire a hitman, naturally	(157)
	Not news: Learner driver shows off new car to a friend. News: Then crashes car. Fark: Into a swimming pool	(51)
	Two pilots accused of fighting with a cabbie over a $9 fare from a strip club to a Subway restaurant. They must have been in the mood for a roast beef sandwich	(48)
	If you're in California's NORCO Prison, dropping the soap may no longer be the most dangerous part of taking a shower	(55)
	And the latest Chinese product being recalled due to unsafe chemical levels is... pretzels	(75)
(Some Guy)	Man uses a remote-access program to track the online activities of the thief who stole his laptop. "It was kind of frustrating because he was mostly using it to watch porn"	(69)
(heraldonline.com)	Man kidnaps family because stepdaughter would not "adequately clean her bedroom"	(44)
	Smells like Kurt's spirit	(84)
	Photoshop this crustacean	(50)
	Troopers are riding with commercial truckers to catch aggressive drivers	(103)
	Bigass chunks of meat are washing up on NJ beaches, with representative picture	(99)
(Peoria Journal Star)	Gas station attendant accidentally sets price of a gallon to 35 cents. Upon finding out, owner said, "The people looked so happy when they were buying gas. If I can do this for them, that's all right"	(149)
	Britain's oldest veteran of the Normandy landings dies at age 105. Godspeed, sir	(172)
	Somalia authorizes use of ninjas	(90)
	Old and busted: Neiman Marcus cookies. New hotness: Neiman Marcus sex tape	(57)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 178: "Neon." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(193)

Wed October 01, 2008

	Hippies have been fighting for years to legalize it in Canada. It's high-quality, enjoyable, and pretty harmless. Today, Vancouver, BC legalized it	(165)
	"The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls" ---"Once softened, mince them in a mincer." Males add 1/2 hour to preparation time to be able to uncross their legs	(62)
(azfamily.com)	You know you've got a heck of a lawyer if he's willing to smuggle a cell phone, a cell phone charger, and heroin to you in jail	(33)
	Woman buys house on eBay for $1.75, but with the way property values are declining it'll only be worth $1.25 next week. Homeowners just can't catch a break	(102)
	To attract police do you A) get HEYOFFCR vanity plate, B) put "place ticket here" label on your windshield, C) drag race at 100+ MPH down the Long Island Expressway, FARK) all of the above	(66)
	Bailout Plan Passes Senate. At least there's still hope for the House	(1256)
	Photoshop these '63 snow birds	(56)
	It's official: British women now have bigger boobs than ever before. A nation of men rejoices	(182)
	Some breakfast cereals are 50% sugar or more by weight. Subby fondly remembers his childhood "go outside and play and don't come back till lunch" fuel: Super Sugar Crisp	(188)
	"There is a fear that if we position this as a 'pro-American' car, it will upset some of the environmentally conscious crowd." As everybody knows, if you love the environment, you hate America	(146)
	Not News: Woman's water breaks. News: While at a Brewers game. Fark: She stays to see the rest of the game, and watch the Mets get their water broken, too	(49)
	Headline ready made for Fark: Handcuffed man hit by 2 trains; cause of death uncertain	(40)
(azfamily.com)	A suspected bank robber who reportedly never said a single word during his robberies is dubbed "The Bank Whisperer" by the media braintrust	(15)
	"Missing white women syndrome" hits Australia, as media describe backpacker's wild and drunken final night in Croatian bar	(107)
(Some Guy)	Funeral home worker killed by falling coffin	(81)
	NYPD Pizza can keep its name as long as it changes its logo, never opens a shop in New York, New Jersey, or Connecticut and let customers know it's not really affiliated with the police	(69)
	Clinton is like the Hulk, except that he turns red. Clinton ANGRY. McCain BAD. Obama GOOOOD	(154)
	Police in Casper, Wyoming would like to ask that residents who call to have a "kitty cat" shooed away use the proper terminology for a 90-pound mountain lion	(83)
	Old and busted: Skinny models give girls unhealthy expectations for beauty. New hotness: Manorexia. A condition which you are guaranteed to never have personally witnessed	(154)
	A condom mobile carrying 5,000 condoms, 800 HIV tests and a 23-foot inflatable prophylactic goes missing. The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile hopes it's found in time for its big date Friday night	(44)
(wofx)	Christina Applegate had nude photos taken before her breast removal, which are probably way better than ones afterwards would have been	(227)
	Lipton recalls tainted tea, long summer afternoons on grandma's front porch	(30)
	"Them cigarettes are going to kill you" -Darwin	(40)
(Some Guy)	No charges will be filed against man who strangled naked would-be rapist	(129)
	Man uses lighter to check level of gasoline he was siphoning. Hilarity ensues	(47)
	The headline: "Palin's Troubles Mount." The story: Four or five journalists quoted as saying they don't like her. This editorial -- er political analysis -- brought to you by Reuters	(489)
	Please refrain from vomiting on the priceless artworks	(66)
	Photoshop this intercontinental scene	(62)
	Man robs bank, fights with woman in his house, breaks through second story window naked, suffers severe lacerations, wrestles with police officers, gets tasered, dies. The Aristocrats	(68)
	Texas scientists to schoolboard: "Calling 'intelligent design' arguments a weakness of evolution is like calling alchemy a weakness of chemistry, or astrology a weakness of astronomy"	(1164)
(Pasadena Star News)	California man commits 3 home invasion robberies, 5 carjackings, 1 burglary, and a shooting all in the same day, then goes to Disneyland to meet some Myspace friends before being arrested	(66)
	Cynthia McKinney, Green Party presidential candidate and seriously deranged nutbar, passes along claim that the military killed 5,000 prisoners after Hurricane Katrina	(292)
	If you're going to threaten your wife in a bar by putting a gun to her head, start by making sure it's your wife	(57)
	By Christ the Magician	(209)
(Some Poet)	Once upon a midnight dreary, while my bladder, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of wine I pour, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly urinated on the floor	(72)
	McDonald's is my kind of place. It's such a happy place. A cuts-taking kind of place. Let me punch you in the face. McDonald's is my kind of plaaaace	(149)
	The new citizenship test requires more critical thinking than it does memorization. What could possibly go wrong?	(157)
(webn)	Got a monkey problem? Monkeys in your walls, floor, under your deck? Call Monkey Man	(71)
	Hikers have found documents belonging to missing aviator Steve Fossett in Mammoth Lakes, quite far from where he was supposed to be flying (updated link)	(1348)
	Dog bites excited lottery winner on the ass	(76)
	Subway trolley driver fired for letting his kids behind the wheel, despite the improvement in service	(21)
	Are you middle class? Then you can afford this unwanted John McCain mansion, for $12 million	(200)
	Congratulations Americans, you were just forced to buy a crappy American car, thanks to that $25 billion loan package to U.S. automakers	(353)
	Video of the cutest little horse you'll see today. Bonus: He has a job. (LGT "OMG, PONIEZ" goodness)	(48)
	Georgetown students sick after "dining hall surprise"	(56)
(Shreveport Times)	Man going fishing discovers one, two, three, four, five coffins. Ah ha ha ha	(34)
	The Chatty Bandit and The Hard Hat Bandit rob the same bank... on the same day. CA tag begs for cameo	(19)
	New Yorkers giddy they can upgrade from bathroom to walk-in closet, now that the NYC housing market is following Wall Street down the toilet	(95)
	Step 1: Rape, murder and torch a girl. Step 2: Get sent to the slammer. Step 3: Cut off thumb in prison wood shop. Step 4: Sue the guard who laughed at you	(110)
	"Why Propping Up Banks Will Not Rescue a Debauched Financial System." Oh, c'mon -- nobody says "debauched" anymore. Yeesh	(161)
(Some Guy)	Automaker takes the obvious action when faced with declining auto sales due to tight credit and expensive fuel: It opens a social media website	(53)
(Sun Media)	Federal candidate in Canadian election claims to get his platform from the Bible. Tells high school students that gays should all be killed. Needless to say, parents are thrilled	(255)
	Mugshots of 37 Notre Dame students arrested at underage beer bash	(260)
	Videotape an argument between two JetBlue passengers? That's a detainin'. With argument video goodness, shot by the grandmother who was escorted off the flight in cuffs	(126)
(Frederick News Post)	Lawsuit: Doctor stapled my rectum shut. Verdict: Shutup, asshole	(161)
	Maryland legislature passes many new laws. They range from the obvious to the downright stupid	(85)
	Man celebrates sucessful fight with wife by dumping Gatorade on her head	(25)
	Stocks in decline again today. Free market enthusiasts foam at the mouth, insist this is a good thing, recession is good for the economy, slavery is freedom, we have always been at war with Oceania, meep meep, twitch twitch	(166)
	"Invisiblity cloaks" could protect coastlines against tsunamis, Mothra	(52)
	McCain campaign: The media coverage of Sarah Palin is SO SEXIST. Katie Couric: Sarah, do you think the coverage of you has been sexist? Palin: No, I don't. McCain campaign: AAAGGGGHHH	(496)
	NZ legalises nude sunbathing. Eyebleach stocks skyrocket	(63)
	Senate unveils its version of the bailout bill, although it's unclear what earmarks for racetracks, "wool research" and "wooden arrows designed for use by children" have to do with Wall Street	(333)
(Dumbass Daily)	Tired of the ladies getting all the lovin', male teachers up the ante, start leering at schoolgirls from their cars with homemade electrical sex toys in hand. Your move, cougars	(77)
(HealthZone.ca)	Study finds that Canadian doctors don't wash their hands enough. Also notes that poutine should not be used as an antiseptic	(79)
	Every week, thousands of Thais are flocking to a Buddhist temple to solve all of their problems by dying	(66)
	Man learns why gunfights aren't a spectator sport	(45)
	Photoshop all 1189 chapters of the Bible (DIT)	(66)
	Zoo cancels ad campaign targeting "rangas" after receiving complaints, will still be giving redheads free entry. "We're not actually checking tops and tails"	(228)
	Gahlifornia becomes feerst state to require gahlorie ghounts on menus	(247)
	What not to say when trying to get a woman into bed. Including the classic "What's wrong with your face? Is it permanent?"	(408)
	Old and busted: Portrait of Jesus on burnt toast. New hotness: Muhammed on a mango	(74)
	Jury decides that when 25-year-old lingerie model pulled $270 out of her bra at traffic stop, she was indeed trying to bribe the officer	(59)
(Portfolio)	The amount the U.S. owes is so large, they can't fit the number on the National Debt Clock. Math is hard	(252)
(nbc5i.com)	I kissed a girl and I liked it... then I was banned from twirling for two football games and one pep rally	(196)
	Company is marketing a slot machine with a biblical theme featuring Noah. Naturally, some religious group wish a plague on their homes	(52)
	Majority of australian university student's ca'nt identify noun's and adjective's and have no idea how to use apostrophe's properly	(95)
	Cute-ass baby deer delivered by C-section after his mother hit by car	(62)
	Russian solider makes a rap video complaining of conditions in his barracks. The response? He gets "exiled" to a base on Russia's far east coast. On the plus side, maybe he can see Sarah Palin from there	(52)
	So what's the best thing that the Seattle Children's Theater could come up with for a Halloween production? "Night of the Living Dead," of course	(61)
	Prison staff ordered to address all inmates as "mister." Example: "Mister, please stop sticking your shank in my side and hurling your feces at me"	(43)
	Fire breaks out at video store when men can rent videos and watch them in "private booths." Authorities unsure of how the fire started but say that friction is a likely culprit	(35)
	For the first time, California rejects a warning label, concludes mylar balloons are not metallic orbs of death	(60)
	High heels cost the taxpayer $60 million a year	(104)
	Caption this avian argument	(109)
(Daily Camera)	Home value goes down by $200K? Sue the HOA	(89)

Tue September 30, 2008

	Driver follows GPS onto train tracks. But it MUST be right	(83)
	New proof that what's for sale on eBay is crap	(84)
	Utah becomes only state to ban sale of fruity alcoholic drinks, resulting in drastic reduction of Utah's fruity alcoholics	(163)
	Rob my bank once, shame on me. Rob my bank three times... Jesus, look at his eyes	(62)
	Today's school bus driver found passed out drunk with 30 children in the bus comes from Loudon County, TN	(41)
	Dog travels from Atlanta to St. Petersburg to see what the Florida tag is all about	(29)
(Honolulu Star-Bulletin)	Man attempting to rescue lost hikers doesn't bring water, flashlight, and doesn't tell anyone he's going. Guess what happened to him	(67)
	Shark attacks dog, dog owner dives headfirst into the water and beats the shark with his bare hands, large balls	(125)
	Minot Air Force Base Captain admitted to taking an obsolete missile launch control device as a souvenir, saying he thought it would be "a cool thing to have"	(109)
(Some Guy)	If your neighbor doesn't return your copy of Underworld 2 maybe putting a gun to his head isn't the best reaction	(52)
(Some Guy)	Canada's national Do Not Call List website crashes as Canucks rush to register on the first day, eh	(81)
(Some Overestimator)	If you're willing to risk time in prison by stealing a safe that has $70,000 in it, make sure it doesn't actually have only $465	(23)
	Photoshop this abbey	(98)
	Purchase of $40 million condo by Ty Warner gives Beanie Baby collectors false hope that the stupid things are worth money	(86)
	Ten things to expect from the new post-apocalyptic economy.... besides Mel Gibson chasing roving gangs of Jewish folks in a supercharged black Pursuit Special	(133)
	Some of the worst entries in Phoenix's light rail slogan contest. "Rail with us, curtail the fun"	(81)
(Some Guy)	Teaching your girlfriend to shoot a gun is cool. Blasting her in the face... not so much	(101)
	Your risk of auto fatality goes up 18 percent on November 4. Happy voting!	(108)
	Bank robber gets away by floating down river on innertube. Cops deflated	(55)
	VP debate pre-debate: Will Palin wear her hair down so she can use the wireless receiver? (3-1) Will Biden make her cry? (5-1) GOP streaker? (10-1) Will you watch for the train wreck? (1-1)	(715)
	Feds to investigate post-Katrina bridge shootings in New Orleans. Thanks for getting right on that	(53)
(SILive)	Study shows that when it's cheaper for NY high school students to buy hookers and blow than a pack of cigarettes, they smoke less	(31)
	Play director arrested for auditioning teen girls for new musical by taking them to his car and performing sex acts with their feet. Teens became suspicious when told the scene originated from the "Footloose" director's cut DVD	(75)
	Program being offered to show kids how not to get bit by dogs. Tips include such gems as "don't taunt dog" or "keep hands out of his mouth"	(82)
	Jesus returns home at Rosh Hashanah	(76)
(Some Guy)	Sarah Palin automatic interview generator	(231)
	The fine journalists at USA Today break one of the most shocking stories of the year: Leaves change color depending on the season. Bonus: Your grandma and all her friends commented on the article	(38)
	Corpse farker sentenced to 18 months in prison for "gross abuse of a corpse," as opposed to "yummy abuse of a corpse"	(320)
	John McCain: "We need to allow ROTC on college campuses." College audience: "BOOOOO." Obama: "I agree with Sen. McCain." Same college audience: "[crickets]"	(863)
	Kids, next for Career Day, please welcome Mrs. Legette, who is a drunk, raving lunatic	(92)
	Northern Belgium, awash in cash, seeks more autonomy from southern freeloading neighbors. Stupid Flanders	(104)
	Mikhail Gorbachev plans to challenge the Kremlin, die under mysterious circumstances	(83)
(Charleston Daily Mail)	Officers pulls over van in front of him because he can smell the "blessed sacrament" the pastor in it was smoking. Bonus: With his passenger, a substance-abuse counselor	(85)
(Some Guy)	Driver flees hit-and-run, dies in separate accident	(96)
	Among the finer things said during the bailout debate: "Madam Speaker, this is a huge cowpatty with a piece of marshmallow stuck in the middle of it. I'm not going to eat that cowpatty." You stay classy, Washington	(180)
	Couple buys home. Last owner likes to show up and try to hang out. "Mommy, why are you holding a meat cleaver?"	(208)
	How much would it cost to get top-secret classified images, including fingerprints and pictures of terrorist suspects, missiles and rocket launchers? $30, apparently. A+ would buy again	(48)
(Some Guy)	When robbing an armored car, take your H2, not your Prius	(40)
	Forget the Dow and the NASDAQ. The real measure of the economy is how well the gold-diggers and strippers are doing	(77)
(Smithsonian Magazine)	In the refined 1912 election, Teddy Roosevelt called Taft a "puzzlewit" and Taft in turn called TR a "honeyfugler"	(169)
	Calm down and don't load up your Model-T for a trip to find a job picking fruit and beating up company thugs: There won't be another Depression	(116)
	Not news: Man hangs portrait of Sarah Palin in his bar. News: She's nude. Ewwwwww: His daughter was the model	(209)
	Fire that damaged historic 19th-century sailing ship caused by vacuum cleaner. Well, that sucks	(20)
	If you're going to pay a court fine, don't use the marked bills from your latest robbery	(9)
	Stocks rebound on news that the Financial Markets are full of half-wits who don't have a clue, the government are a bunch of fear-mongering pin heads, and that you signed a mortgage you couldn't possibly afford. Subby refills his scotch	(189)
	Bar ban banned	(40)
	Group of boys find a skull in the woods and keep it a secret. Wheaton tag trumps Florida tag for obvious reasons	(159)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this pot provider	(34)
(TechCrunch)	September Madness continues. How many banks are still alive in your brackets? Can Citigroup make the Final Four?	(83)
	Woman's life saved by mugging and shooting	(78)
	In an effort to expand its audience online, NPR is updating its web features, including a social networking site. ZOMG Daniel Schorr is in my Top 8	(91)
	City of Edmonton considers 10-week winter festival instead of its regular 51-week winter festival	(81)
	Court case win by retired Gurkhas jars authorities, puts British immigration policy in a pickle	(67)
	In today's news, Wall Street rallies and oil prices edge lower -- OMG DEFECTIVE TIRE STEMS CAN KILL YOU	(71)
	Lost and found: Whatever happened to Mahir "I Kiss You" Cagri, the Peter Pan dude and the Hampsterdance girl? (Hint: None of them are in jail or panhandling)	(109)
	Crab videotaped riding giant jellyfish. Ta-da	(134)
	The Cliff Notes version of the current bailout bill	(182)
(WKRC Cincinnati)	Woman arrested for disorderly conduct while wearing a cow suit. And yes, it's the best mugshot so far this week	(204)
	GA residents to Governor Sonny Perdue: "Dude, we don't have any gas. Do something." Perdue: "I'm on vacation in Spain. Everything's fine here. Stop panicking"	(232)
	Japanese marine park puts its dolphins on a diet after they start turning into whales. With typically handy Metro photo explaining a possible reason	(34)
(Foreign Policy.com)	Caracas, Cape Town and New Orleans take top three in "murder capitals." Detroit demands recount	(90)
	Finnish nanny staters restrict rights of law-abiding gun owners by forcing them to take safety courses and prove their mental health. THE HORROR	(217)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these co-eds playing football	(74)
	Snitch about to testify killed in prison exercise yard... by sniper fire	(265)
(Some Guy)	It's a hell of a job when you're the New Jersey Turnpike Authority and imps keep bedeviling you by eternally coveting mile marker 66.6. It's a sin	(133)
	Judge preserves the right of men to get women drunk on two-for-$5 Long Island iced teas	(166)
	Self-report study finds that video game players are surprisingly fit. Respondents also overwhelmingly had girlfriends and lived outside their mother's basements	(137)
	If you're the police and you just beat up a suspect, you might not want to lick his wife's neck during questioning	(57)
	New York City newspaper goes out of business. The Sun was there	(72)
	Black bear waltzes into emergency room, does battle with the automatic doors, loses. (With video)	(95)
	Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Monday signed two bills making it tougher for teachers who commit sex crimes to remain in California's public schools. Tougher???	(71)
	Want to live in Arizona? Here's a free house. Just take over the mortgage	(171)

Mon September 29, 2008

	Asian, Pacific markets are plummeting wildly on U.S. bailout failure, promising a really wacky Tuesday on Wall Street	(536)
	News: Man dies after being stabbed 100 times. Fark: With tweezers	(86)
	Guy arrested after calling 911 every time he needed a ride to the drugstore, fifty times this month (w/ "Was that wrong?" mugshot)	(46)
	Four dead in shoot-out at the OK Corral. This is not a repeat from 1881	(85)
	Nanny State police confiscate elderly man's cane, saying it's an offensive weapon	(88)
(WHTM)	Holiday Inn in Lancaster, PA cited for using a guest room for food storage after their refrigerator broke down. It's ok, though, because they "turned the A/C all the way up"	(70)
(Press of Atlantic City)	Towns use aerial photography to spot additions to homes that would raise their property taxes. State senator: When it gets to the point where we're doing aerial spying on people's lives, I've had enough"	(152)
	Trial begins for man who cooked girlfriend on grill. First challenge was to find jurors who all agreed that charcoal, while more work, is worth it in the end	(116)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop this ambitious prospector	(41)
	Bad day: Your third wife sends you divorce papers in the mail. Really bad day: Your fourth wife opens the envelope	(30)
	An in-depth look at the most important trend today: young girls auctioning off their virginity	(210)
(Chillicothe Gazette)	Two out, runners on the corners, chilidogs at the picnic table, wife going into labor. Go ahead. Try not to smile while reading this	(73)
	Man posts his wedding photo on his website, complete with birth, marriage and death dates and then killed his wife and himself. Murder-suicide ruled premediated	(107)
	Gorton's fish sticks has replaced their fish sticks with mystery floor scrapings and wants to know if you noticed in an online survey	(75)
	Murderer nets killer six dollars, so he goes out and buys a beer. With a punchable mugshot	(125)
	Jamaican grandmother, 77, found guilty of smuggling £1 million of cocaine. She awaits sentencing after her hopes for a dreadlocked jury didn't pan out	(30)
(Pal Item)	Drug-education class educates kids on how to hide and use drugs. "A crushed root beer can be used as a crack pipe -- I never knew that"	(84)
(myTelus)	Asshat who dumped puppies in outhouse found guilty	(78)
	Does it really matter who makes your favorite beer?	(153)
	Man, blinded on job when assailant's bullet blew out both eyes, struggles to get insurance company to provide worker's comp	(96)
	Former Nebraska teacher sentenced to six years in prison for being unattractive	(31)
	Florida man's awesome claim: Five women -- four wearing suspenders without shirts or bras -- robbed him. He only wishes he had more for them to take	(49)
(Some Guy)	Have you ever wanted to sort through a bunch of books and then arrange them by title so they form a sentence? No? Oh, well this person did	(43)
	Judge rules that people who are stupid enough to eat unpopped popcorn kernels shouldn't expect the theater to pay $1250 in dental bills	(45)
	And lo, the Lord did say unto his followers, "For the love of all that's holy, put some clothes on" and did make sure that all of his further creations were covered in fur so that he was not forced to look upon their dangly bits	(34)
	Henry Paulson calls on Bat Boy to persuade House of Representatives to approve bailout plan. Bat Boy is fairly confident	(35)
	Fark has a new candidate for "mother of the year," thanks to this mom's recipe for kidsicles	(133)
(PC Pro)	In terms of router setup, some can claim to be easy to configure, but if you're very lucky you can find one which is already configured to log in to your local council's allegedly secure internal networks	(51)
	Just when they say modern art is rubbish, along comes a naked female mannequin sitting on the john to reaffirm our faith in it all	(60)
	Pelosi takes time out from her busy schedule of calling a vote on the bailout bill to remind us that the whole thing is Bush's fault, and Wall Street was nipple-deep in puppies and rainbows when Clinton was in office	(518)
	Scotland announces plans to build world's first underwater wind farms. So this is why we have the new tag...	(94)
	Six-year-old girl appointed "living goddess" by Nepal. Chosen because she has "eyelashes like a cow" and, more importantly, a "voice as soft and clear as a duck." Those girls are hard to find	(98)
	Firefighters called to rescue iguana stuck in tree that turned out to be a green branch... twice in one week (with pic)	(26)
(JewFAQ.org)	Reminder that at sundown, we begin the year 5769. A hearty L'Shana Tova to all Jewish Farkers	(118)
	Police State housing authority warns that feeding ducks could result in prison sentence	(19)
(Some Guy)	Finally, an easy-to-understand explanation of the financial mess that doesn't resort to name calling and hyperbole	(78)
	"Dow Jones industrials down nearly 780 points in their largest one-day point drop ever." Hey, we broke the record. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!	(784)
	Civil War re-enactor goes a little too far to make the battle scene more realistic	(98)
	"Gothic-Lolita" fad hits Japan, transcending emo and Victorian. "WTF is this" slideshow included	(534)
	Stop me if you've heard this one before. So, this horse walks into a bar...	(68)
	If a cop asks you if you've been drinking and there are beer cans scattered about the deck of your boat and you're having trouble with reverse, the best reply might not be, "Yes, all day"	(58)
	Megachurches more personal than small churches. Or, as they like to say, "huppanob tikka tikkawooo nubzig zogga hooaahhhh nrriiiiiiiiiii" faints	(226)
(Some Guy)	Renter claims landlord used dead cats to evict tenants. (Warning: Pic of dead cat in link)	(117)
(Some Guy)	Woman died after huffing aerosol products at a Wal-Mart parking lot. Patrick Tribett unimpressed	(62)
	Another sign of the Apocalypse is upon us: Denny's is one of the top 10 healthiest restaurants	(59)
	"Air control, this is an Olympic Airlines flight from Slovakia. Are we cleared for landing? Do you copy?" "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"	(32)
	Well, the bailout was fun while it lasted. Hilarity ensues	(2172)
	With so many issues in our world to discuss, Newsweek asks the important questions on everyone's minds, like, "Do gentlemen really prefer blondes?"	(80)
(Some Guy)	Man accused of burglary, stealing pain medicine. No word yet on if he is actually a robot or if the homeowners had Old Glory insurance	(24)
	Tonnes of copper lost by the German Fuggers 500 years ago found off Namibia	(37)
	Pizza man sure plays a mean pinball	(63)
	Drunken man drove home because the cab driver wouldn't let his dog in the taxi	(32)
(Some Guy)	A few tip for job seekers: Don't claim to be CEO of company if you currently make hourly wage. Also, don't claim to be a member of Kennedy family or a famous baseball player	(66)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)	One-fifth of all teens serving life without parole in the U.S. are in Pennsylvania. Suck it, Texas	(102)
(Some Guy)	The family that's tased together stays together	(30)
	Photoshop this capsule come back	(27)
	Machiavelli wasn't a bad guy, he just wrote "The Prince" to get a job. But the Medicis didn't read it, so the ends didn't justify the means	(139)
	Food crisis in Afghanistan competes for the hearts and minds of citizens, perhaps literally in the near future	(45)
	I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, "Did he fire six tons of lead into the environment or only five?" Now, to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement	(162)
	Bad: Man charged $858,432 for sammich. Asinine: Sammich came without bacon. Crispy, delicious, succulent bacon	(97)
	Don't drink and hug	(71)
	One more bummer about identity theft: Getting wrongly arrested for child-porn purchases	(74)
	Women launch PoorLittleRichGirls.com to help women find cheaper places to satisfy expensive tastes, such as $3 cocktails. As for men, there's this new website where you can find cheap dates	(350)
(kxii)	Former firefighter breaks out of jail, steals a city vehicle. Fark: Is caught at a casino	(31)
(Some Guy)	The marina employee described the floating dead man as short with a bald spot at the back of his head, wearing cargo pants and a golf shirt, pretty water-logged and white and it looked like he was in the sitting-down position	(32)
	Suicidal woman jumps off bridge, falls 200 feet and survives, failing in life yet again	(85)
	Old and busted: H5N1 bird flu epidemic. New hotness: Brisbane H3N2 killer influenza epidemic. Submitter wonders if the drug companies are making... +BLAM+ +BLAM+	(78)
	Studies have shown that people will believe anything that's repeated multiple times, which, in these days of mass emails, constitutes just about everything	(104)
	A long-time pain in the ass to liberals, conservative humorist P.J. O'Rourke contracts cancer of the hemorrhoid. Good news: It, like his humor, is survivable	(125)
(Some Newt)	Well, at least she bought some bath salts before playing "burn the witch" in the new age shop	(34)
	It wasn't good news when we learned that the Chinese had tainted pet food and children's toys. But now you've gone too far, China, when you messed with delicious Cadbury cream eggs	(109)
(Some Guy)	Citiovia? WaCiti?	(260)
	The violent neo-fascist right emerged from a general election as a contender to be the strongest political force in Austria yesterday, which isn't that surprising given their convict ancestry	(208)
	Emergency crews called to L.A. port to investigate possible bomb in shipping container. Turns out it was just 10,000 copies of "Disaster Movie"	(41)
	In what may have been a failed attempt to combine food and sex, man beats off refrigerator doors and pokes wife	(44)
(Some Guy)	Actual headline: "Man tried to recruit UNH students as concubines"	(120)
	Gossip magazine apologises to lingerie model who complained their misleading headline duped her into buying (with pics)	(99)
	In order to teach fitness and nutrition to a new generation of fatties, Oregon PE classes give up on dodgeball and track, adopt juggling, table tennis, cup stacking and geocaching	(110)
(Some Hooligan)	The U.S. government now owns AIG. Photoshop an update to Manchester United's jerseys	(30)
	It's natural to want to harm yourself after seeing your dad dance	(20)
	Indianapolis unveils new rayon-polyester police uniform with cargo-style pants, fully equipped to catch criminals of the Eighties	(74)
	Scientists pinpoint genetic cause of narcoleppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp	(98)
	English police probe "sausage-shaped" streetlight	(67)
	First they came for the pig food, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a pig. Then they came for the baby formula, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a baby. And then they came for the coffee, and... oh, dear god, no	(124)
	Man finds hundreds of paleo-Indian artifacts while digging in his front yard	(82)
	Man accused of running a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church says he hired women at Angel's Heaven Relaxation Spa not to sell sex, but to comfort the afflicted through the religious act of "laying on of hands"	(76)
(Springfield News-Leader)	Let's see, I'll take eight spark plugs, two oil filters, one quart of oil and 300 pounds of marijuana	(70)