Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-09-28 23:59:59'

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Sun September 28, 2008

(Bacon Today)	How do you make cinnamon rolls better? Bacon	(87)
	Woman survives flesh eating disease because she is fat, disease got tired and gave up	(71)
	SpaceX Falcon 1 successfully reaches orbit. Becomes first privately funded spacecraft to do so. Now we can retire the Shuttle and use these instead	(101)
	Who's a pretty boy then? Tiny cleaner fish takes its life in its scales as it gives parrot fish some much needed dentistry	(17)
(JC Penney)	Oh dear lord please let it be a joke: Bristol and Levi wedding registry. Wedding date: November 4th	(174)
	Existing anti-obesity drugs may be effective against flu, hepatitis and HIV. Suck it, fatties	(24)
	In the pet adoption world, people are racist	(118)
(Star-Bulletin)	Doomsday lawsuit against Large Hardon Collider thrown out after judge rules that no, the Swiss-French border region isn't under the jurisdiction of US courts	(63)
(azfamily.com)	Once again, a woman proves that a gun works much better than a restraining order	(155)
	If the grass dies and turns yellow, let's just spray paint it green	(55)
	Nothing wrist, nothing gained. Slain soldier's mother stands by Obama	(296)
	Aspiring chef cooks up a killer chili sauce, Darwin stops by for a hearty helping	(93)
	Photoshop this trio	(48)
(Some Guy)	Father finds a naked masked man with latex gloves, condoms and a knife in daughter's room. Death ensues	(449)
(LAist)	This week's "What if they held a drunk driving checkpoint & nobody was drunk?" dilemma in Newhall, CA	(132)
(wsb tv)	Atlantans are dailing 911 trying to find out where the gas is at	(147)
	Inuit gold miners in northern Canada angered that they are being forced to speak English at work instead of their native tongue	(102)
	State bar association supports same-sex marriages, looks forward to same-sex divorce business	(59)
(Junkfood Science)	In 2003, Alabama passed the most comprehensive laws in the nation to fight childhood obesity. Five years later government admits it's completely failed. Ding, fries are done	(71)
(Some Guy)	Are sharks with laser-beams on their heads practical?	(44)
	The scourge of arrogant bicyclists and their "silly little clown suits" (w/bonus reader responses)	(280)
(Some Guy)	Parents sue high school for not protecting their son from being bullied and for telling police he initiated most of the harassment himself, despite his spotless record	(130)
	Man receives new leg after a drink at his local pub. He thought he lost it to a mosquito but the doctor at the pub is pretty sure it was a tiger. On the upside the doctor did happen to have a spare bionic leg available	(50)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: other uses for a light saber. LGT an example	(84)
	Animal lovers across the Golden State breathe a sigh of relief as the Governator vetoes a bill banning people from... driving with pets in their lap?	(46)
	Happy 100th birthday to the mechanical monstrosity that changed the world: the ubiquitous Model T	(122)
	Viral video craze threatens to Godwin the entire internet... and the Guardian is only a year or so late in discovering the craze	(58)
	Man tries to pedal an airship 28 miles across water to France... who's hoping he sinks?	(46)
	Photoshop this single-barrel blunderbuss	(49)
	It's a dark day for Farkers everywhere. Scarlett Johansson has gotten married	(257)
(Never trust anyone over 70)	Retirement homes are being renamed "community centers" and games of bingo and cribbage are being replaced by Nintendo Wii tournaments and investment club because of the influx of baby boomers	(40)
(WMTW.com)	The price of lobster expected to rise by $1 a gallon...er pound on the news that Maine is about to get hit by hurricane Kyle	(57)
(Some Guy)	Only 53% of rugby stars would play if booze was banned from the event. "I love a beer, so I'd never agree to something like that."	(32)
(Some Guy)	Shoplifter pulls from her pants 10 DVDs, a Play Station, a pair of tube socks, a black and red bra, a black and red pair of women's underwear with the word "pouty" printed on them, boys underwear, and two rings	(93)
	Prisoners allowed to order their meals from nearby restaurants if they don't like jail food. Surprisingly, this did not happen in the United States. Yet	(51)
	Special Highway Patrol license plates for charity donors discontinued over perceptions that the plates make drivers ticket-proof	(40)
(Manchester Evening News)	Politically correct college decrees end to labeling restrooms "Men" or "Women"; it's "Toilets with urinals" and "Toilets." This may end humorously, especially when students get drunk	(184)
	Having solved all other problems, San Francisco Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier wants to ban former L.A. Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda from serving as Grand Marshal of their Italian-American parade	(37)
(Some Pooh)	575-pound grizzly bear caught raiding beehives for honey. Oh bother	(43)
	Seniors rave about the bingo experience. How much do they spend? "Usually $200. A day"	(42)
	Anti-bear spray closes Alaska airport. Steven Colbert wanted for questioning	(44)
	Policeman shoots fellow policewoman during house raid because she didn't yell "Not it" fast enough	(61)
(Some Guy)	Here's a headline you thought you'd never see: "10 reasons to go to Toronto"	(176)
	Breakthrough in the financial bailout bill in Congress. Get your K-Y ready	(758)
	Texas residents express disgust over homeowner who caught unarmed teens in his house stealing snacks, forced them onto their knees and shot them repeatedly in the back. Not outraged because a jury acquitted him, but because he was even charged	(1273)
	The secret of raising a world-champion budgie: cough syrup, talk radio turned down to a whisper and CCTV. In related news, there are world-champion budgies (pic)	(46)

Sat September 27, 2008

	McCain is in no rush to get back to Capitol Hill to work on the bailout plan, says he can conduct all his business using something called a "telephone". He was apparently unaware of this wonderful invention two days ago	(366)
(Some Guy)	If your homecoming float is covered with tissue paper you may want to refrain from using lit sparklers during the parade	(29)
	Man voluntarily surrenders 83 parakeets. Now authorities must find homes for all 166 keets	(59)
	4 out of 10 women admit to wearing 'magic pants' Good luck getting into these	(107)
(Trentonian.com)	I wanted to tell you that these residents of Trenton, NJ love their new "passive aggressive" park, but the Fark moderators will probably red light this as soon as it's listed. Maybe I should just cancel my TF subscription	(72)
	Iraq, US close to deal on future of US troops	(176)
(KCCI)	We replaced this woman's coffee with a bat. Let's see if anyone notices	(108)
	It's been said before and we will say it again: if you absolutely must rob the chiropractor make sure an off-duty cop isn't there to get treatment because it's probably not going to work out for you	(23)
	California gives its lawmakers unlimited gas cards, snacks and drinks	(68)
	Hurricane Ike called "costliest natural disaster in state history" as it causes $500 million in damage to ... Ohio?	(120)
	Why we all love sexist alpha males	(599)
	Instead of leaving the baby alone in dirty diapers inside a filthy apartment, couple does the responsible thing and takes the child with them to their drug deal	(29)
	Not news: Clerk sells beer to minor in an undercover sting. Flash forward a few months: Same store clerk sells beer to same minor	(42)
	Muslim employee declares Jihad on Tesco because they made him move alcohol with a forklift in their warehouse. Just kidding...he's actually suing	(170)
	Search on for missing pages of the Bible. They include Jesus' lesser-known sermons such as, "Don't use me as an excuse to be a douchebag" and "Seriously, what part of live and let live don't you people get?"	(258)
(Watson)	Photoshop this study in scarlet	(45)
	Krispy Kreme unveils its new dipping sauce: Krispy Kreme ice cream	(104)
	Someone should really look to see how the front cover of your magazine looks when opened and shown next to the back cover. Oh yes...there is quite the example	(180)
(Makezine)	Metal plate x-ray messages - because airport security officers have a great sense of humor	(152)
	Even in death, one can not get out of a cell phone contract	(64)
	750 gorillas run through London. The Sun is there	(34)
	Pirates hijack a cargo ship, the cargo ship has a problem. Pirates hijack a Ukrainian arms ship, pirates have a problem	(181)
	Some men's wives just don't understand them	(240)
(Some Guy)	What's a law degree worth? $470,000 (less, if you factor in the cost of spending eternity in Hell)	(301)
	Seven hipster styles we love to hate. Including ironic mullet picture goodness	(245)
	West Nile season appears to be mildest in seven years. EVERYBODY RELAX	(40)
(Some Bar Fly)	Photoshop this substantial saloon singer	(57)
	Seven high school football players accused of smoking pot. Community outraged. Parents up in arms. Rick Romero is there	(123)
	Shufflin' off the mortal coil, boss. Paul Newman dead at 83	(609)
	Finally, an article about airport delays that makes you kind of hope your next flight is a bit late	(39)
	Good: Ohio appeals court rules that victims of identity theft are allowed to sue elected officials who posted personal information online. Bad: Plaintiffs still have to live in Ohio	(51)
	As food prices rise, "Between groceries and eating out, we were spending between $700 and $900 a month for two of us - which is insane"	(412)
(Some Extra-toed felines)	Famed Hemingway cats, a Florida Keys icon, are spared from forced relocation by the Federal government, just in time for Caturday	(432)
	Priest counsels couple, then hooks up with wife	(71)
	Pakistanis not happy their President tried to put the moves on Sarah Palin	(138)
	If you're in an apartment illegally and growing pot, don't call the police when the apartment manager tries to evict you	(36)
	Man accused of stealing a uniform from Dodger Stadium and posing on the field as one of the team's players. He was later identified as the world famous opera singer Enrico Palazzo	(31)
(Some Guy)	Sociology grad student researches dissertation about what nude models are thinking. To be fair, no one ever wondered before	(73)
	The debate is over and the results are in: McCain towered over McCain on every issue of substance. Furthermore, Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4	(343)
	Actual headline:Soldiers urged to kill people in combat	(83)
	Today's female teacher having sex with a student comes to you from the American School for the Deaf. You submitted this headline in ALL CAPS (w/ pic goodness)	(98)
	£45,000 KTM X-Bow supercar driven by an idiot + crash barrier in Germany = your new 'Fail' pic	(109)
	Queen asks for pay raise. It seems her £7.9m just isn't enough to run a proper household	(118)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these zirconium tubes	(64)
	Media pressures teens to have sex because all the cool kids are doing it	(107)

Fri September 26, 2008

	One, two, three: Three bees that can count. Ah-ah-ah-ah	(39)
	18-year-old hires hit men to kill his mother. Bonus: he wanted her money so he could buy his girlfriend breast implants	(107)
	British cigarettes to sport pictures of British teeth	(39)
(Ole Miss)	Obama McCain debate thread #2. Two men enter, one man leaves	(3150)
(Some Guy)	Semper Fine: New rules may put Aussie women on the front lines of combat	(109)
	California warns people not to flush pharmaceuticals. Drug dealers nervous and confused about wanting to do the right thing when police kick in their doors	(27)
	Federal agent arrest a man for shooting a bald eagle decoy and charge him with attempting to take and kill a protected migratory bird	(110)
	Two master debaters about to take the stage. Your first Presidential debate discussion thread (thread closed; see new thread)	(2752)
	Hogging the hotel's only business computer? That's a stabbin	(27)
	Jury deadlocked over charges against minor-league ballplayer accused of killing his girlfriend's cat after feeling she loved it more than him. Jury split over whether anyone in the Mets' organization could carry out a hit	(35)
(Some Chick)	Police kill pit bull at the request of owner. Dog had his jaws clamped on owner's arm at the time	(121)
	Ted Kennedy will be enjoying the debate from his hospital room tonight	(55)
	Today's EVERYBODY PANIC headline: America is totally unprepared for a protracted oil cut-off. You know, except for that whole strategic reserve thingy	(93)
	Montreal police allowed to keep wearing pants on duty	(30)
	New browser exploit forces you to click a link. Bonus: it affects almost all browsers, and disabling Javascript does nada. Oh, and no one knows how to stop it	(133)
	Idiot farmer dyes his sheep blue so he can recognise them more easily	(58)
	Actual headline: "Texas death toll from Ice reaches at least 29"	(52)
	Plane grounded, searched in Romulus. No comment from the Federation on what it was doing so far beyond the Neutral Zone	(51)
	Pakistan welcomes US 'blessing' -- no matter what caliber -- and promises to return the friendship	(27)
	Study finds average worker spends two hours a day goofing off. Once again, Farkers are above average	(51)
	TSG weekly mugshot roundup off kicks off with a very timely theme: cash	(171)
	Woman attempts to board plane with live WWII bomb and is bewildered at 'all the fuss'	(45)
	Elderly man goes to hospital to complain of stomach pain, is alarmed to discover that he's pregnant	(46)
	Pottery Barn: Sorry you're missing 1/3 of your couch, here's 2/3 of your refund	(32)
	Canada about to be hit by a hurricane. Don't worry: it's only going to devastate New Brunswick, so it's unlikely that anybody is going to notice	(45)
	Bank error in your favor...collect over $280,000	(58)
	And today's story of Police tasering 16 year old mother and baby is brought to you by: Vancouver BC	(61)
	Russia says it will finish building a "Star Wars" space defense system by 2020, unless the furry forest tellytubbies with bows and arrows destroy it first	(46)
	Canada in midst of mini baby boom as Canadian women prove they're not as frigid as is generally believed	(92)
	Photoshop this bubble in the sky	(95)
	N.H. cops bust incredibly hot hooker. With delicious mug shot goodness	(366)
(Sun Gazette)	It's really important to know the difference between Reverse and Drive on the shifter. Particularly if the back of your garage has a 70-foot embankment	(45)
(WOAI)	Homeowners can't figure out why someone is landscaping their yard with nice bricks--until one morning they come out to find all of the bricks holding up their truck and the wheels stolen	(84)
	South Africa bans traditional tribal virginity tests. Zulus blithely ignore the law, produce more virgins than a Star Trek convention	(73)
	My wife told me to submit this article	(184)
(Some Guy)	Mom discovers video of vicious school-yard fight on her son's phone. Does she a) call the cops, b) notify the school, c) sell the video to the local TV station	(50)
	A blow up doll inflated instead of an airbag after a small car banged into a supermarket. The Sun is there	(41)
	Cutest duck in the world survives killer seagull attack, now plans to go with AFLAC just in case it happens again	(47)
(Some Guy)	Jehovah's Witnesses unveil secret weapon: Prince. Begun, the Religion Wars have	(149)
	That evangelist who said that the age of consent begins at puberty? Guess what he's been transporting across state lines for the purposes of sex	(137)
	Complain about the airline companies in the U.S. all you want, but at least they never ask you to get out of the plane and push it	(29)
(Now Pvt. Sanders)	Actual Headline: Chicken Kickin' Man is Canned - because that's what happened	(24)
	Guess what happens when you put more than 400 sharks, of 85 different species, all together in the same tank?	(139)
(Canton Repository)	There's probably a better way to get an apology over toddler-wrestling than threatening to beat up a man and shoot him in the head--wait...toddler-wrestling?	(38)
	Denver police union is selling T-shirts that poke fun at protesters at last month's Democratic National Convention: "We get up early to beat the crowds" and "DNC 2008". Ha Ha	(263)
	High-priced hookers benefit from increased business during an economic downturn: "Men want to be men. All I did was make them feel like they could go back out there with their head up." And their knobs polished	(89)
(Some Guy)	Best pictures ever of Oktoberfest in Munich. With enough cleavage and girl-kissing to make this a wonderful Friday	(219)
	I saw a turtle...with a mohawk	(46)
	Mormon calendar of shirtless men returns with "Men on a Mission" edition, may pave the way for "Hot Mormons Muffins: A taste of motherhood" calendar. That is not a punch line	(52)
	Coolest picture (via electron microscope) of a squid's tentacle you will see today. Cue "Little Shop of Horrors" music	(61)
	After stealing goods from someone, it is very important to remember not to try to sell them back to that same person	(29)
	Your pet is considering cheating on you for someone better	(55)
(some crack head)	Protip: If you are driving a stolen truck, and know the cops are following you, don't lead them to your home, especially if you have crack cocaine inside	(18)
	A naughty Catholic schoolgirl might become the Queen of England	(230)
	Good evening. The trampoline... children's play toy or an unbelievably vicious backyard killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin	(72)
	Not News: young adult romance novel written. News: on cell phone. Fark: by 86-year-old Buddhist nun	(23)
(WSMV)	Police remind Mother of the Year candidate that U-Haul trucks are for moving furniture, not kids	(56)
	Man with jetpack completes flight across the English Channel. Suck it, Icarus	(92)
	World's tallest man ready to spawn world's biggest baby. Wife wants epidural right away	(30)
	Sorry guys, you just can't win. Women want you to help more with the kids, but they'd rather you weren't good at it	(336)
	Mississippi to get black & white TV tonight	(1321)
	Somali pirates hijack ship carrying tanks. Negative waves, man	(172)
(chicagotribune.com)	Nursing home employee discovers how to enjoy a quiet shift: drug the residents into a drooling stupor	(119)
(MaineToday.com)	Police unsure about what killed a man lying in the middle of the road, suspect tread poisoning	(53)
(Shelby Star)	Man goes wrong way down dragstrip, recieves lifetime ban	(112)
	Photoshop this unhappy couple	(60)
	The Subprime Meltdown 101. ABS, MBS, CDO, RMBS, and more all explained in one page	(386)
	Two old ladies tied to a tree, E-V-I-C-T-E-D	(66)
	Antidepressants may damage male fertility, so there's really no point in trying	(152)
	Radical Islamic cleric's daughter is a pole-dancer	(173)
	Leave it to a Russian to try and figure out a way to swig alcohol while skydiving	(32)
	Swedish twin sisters gone wild on UK freeway (with the craziest video link you're likely to see this year)	(267)
	Germany storms Dutch plane. Dutch expect to surrender in just 5 days, after major bombing of civilian targets	(90)
	Top detective breaks into a house and assaults a man after his own son is attacked - but gets the wrong person	(33)
	Definition of a bad morning: When your neighbor douses you with gasoline then chases you with a road flare	(37)
(floridatoday.com)	This morning's hooker roundup comes from Melbourne, Florida, with several mugsh--OH MY GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE	(156)
(BRRAAIINS!!)	Brain harvesting zombie researchers get greedy, take the whole brain without asking. Their defense: BRAAAIIINNNSS	(64)
	"Boredom is the biggest curse for a teenager and drugs are a boredom buster"	(98)
(Some bored Nashvillian)	Today's female teacher busted for sex with a student brought to you by...Portland, Tennessee. (w/"that's a man, baby" pic)	(91)
	What's the hottest new fashion trend in Japan? Depends	(38)
	Raw foodists arrested when their chocolate is mistaken for hashish	(44)
	Rare case of Internet tough guy turning out to be IRL tough guy too. Murderlarity ensues	(120)
	Brazilian scofflaw is the Henry Earl of bad drivers, has over 1,000 tickets since 2001 and owes $2 million in fines	(15)
	Farmer carves Sarah Palin's face into his cornfield as a maze, would have used Obama's but the corn kept miraculously growing back	(95)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this redhead with her red scarf	(62)
(Some Guy)	If you're involved in a 100+ MPH chase with the cops, it's not the best idea to stop for something to eat when the diner is across the street from the police barracks	(17)
(KFBK)	Judge rules that if you give suicidal grandpa a loaded shotgun and he kills himself, you still get to inherit all of his stuff	(59)
	Government data reveals that only three percent of highway crashes are caused by speeding drivers, in proof that more highway speed cameras and speed traps are necessary to curb the carnage caused by high-speed drivers	(108)
(Some Burger Fan)	McDonald's burger looks as edible as ever after 12 years. Not that that's saying much	(200)
	Young Muslim athletes face real challenges repressing their teammates during Ramadan due to a severe lack of carbohydrates	(127)
	Not news: you fall asleep. News: at a stop light. Fark: police putting road spikes in front of your tires before waking your drunk ass up and you actually drive off	(82)

Thu September 25, 2008

(Some Chick)	Skeletal remains found at Six Flags Fiesta Texas in area restricted to visitors because of the dangers of falling rocks	(110)
	Scottish government calls for ID cards to be issued to all sheep, complaining they all look the same from the rear	(19)
	Louisiana politician suggests paying poor women $1,000 if they have their tubes tied	(702)
	People who learn foreign languages in school forget pretty much all if it by the time they're adults. Ke sarah, sarah	(267)
(Some Guy)	Remember that child's foot found by a dog in Alabama? Turns out it was a bear's paw. You'd think the police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one	(82)
	Farmers warned to not shoot killer alpine parrots	(46)
(Some Guy)	The forgotten Axis weapon: Nazi Bears	(86)
	Banking analyst finds that when three out of ten Harvard MBAs go to Wall Street, it's time for investors to sell. "Harvard MBAs, in aggregate, subtract value"	(129)
	Battery charge dropped against arrestee who farted at police officer, but the DUI charge is still there so he's not getting off scat free	(62)
(WebUrbanist)	Geek cakes: May the forks be with you	(173)
	Germans can't believe it's not butter	(58)
	Man found guilty of planning to behead Canadian Prime Minister. The bus ticket in his pocket was a dead giveaway	(115)
	CSI: Detroit has been cancelled	(96)
(610 WTVN)	Guns, coke, and lesbian sex with your teenage daughter's friend? Coolest mom EVAR	(296)
	With his eyes set on the Henry Earl lifetime achievement award, man gets busted for DUI twice. In four hours	(20)
	If this is how they are making snow these days, I don't think I want to go skiing this year	(67)
(Florida Today)	Disney World to open 100-lane bowling alley; first person to enter "M. MOUSE" in the scorekeeping machine will be used as a bumper on Lane 37	(66)
	News: The successful launch of China's latest space launch and astronaut diologue has been published by the official Chinese news agency. Fark: Hours before the rocket was even launched	(89)
	OJ reconciles with sports memorabilia dealer he is accused of robbing. OJ says memorabilia is cutthroat business, hopes there's no bad blood, considers issue dead	(45)
(Some Guy)	Regional rail closed due to body on tracks...Authorities still searching for Dennis Hopper's head, though	(29)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this flat building	(52)
	Note to self: Do not fill out job application before robbing Dunkin' Donuts	(24)
(Middletown Press)	High school students suspended for holding early-morning BBQ. "We didn't have beer, we didn't have weed, we had bacon"	(132)
	"While we don't want to minimize the truly prodigious achievements of the oft-arrested Henry Earl, the Kentucky man did not, as has been reported, get busted for the 1000th time this week."	(64)
(Some Chick)	Brothers loot Walmart while power out during Gustav. Walmart spokesperson said there is always security on Walmart premises but wouldn't specify because the information would render the security measures less effective	(50)
	Campbell Brown continuing to take no prisoners, asks Paulson, "What were you thinking?"	(179)
	Russia to give Hugo Chavez a $1 billion gift card to their military equipment outlet store, all MiG-29s 30 percent off this week	(286)
(Some Spicy Gal)	"I think what happened is, after the gunshots were fired, this woman ended up with taco sauce on her."	(24)
	Fark greenlights redlight greenlight story	(38)
(Some Guy)	HA HA guy sold at Goodwill	(294)
	Ugly ass two-toed sloth born at National Aquarium in Baltimore. (with video goodness)	(43)
	25 things you could do with $700 billion dollars. FTW: You could literally buy the world a Coke. One 2-liter bottle per week for a year	(391)
	The good news: Jack Thompson has been permanently disbarred. The bad news? Someone competent could take over the war against video games in his place	(105)
(Some Guy)	Principal bans students from wearing school colors because they're "gang-related"	(71)
	Family sues Disney over petting zoo dog mauling. That's just plain goofy	(74)
	If you leave your car or home unlocked and somebody steals something the Palm Beach PD will give you a case number and say "good luck with that."	(109)
	After failing to pry her way into wedding reception, psycho ex-girlfriend gets all slashy on groom's mother	(100)
(Times-Leader)	Woman loses her concealed-carry permit for taking her handgun to her kid's soccer game. She'll now have to carry it out in the open, which is technically legal in PA	(451)
	News: Soldier back in the U.S. after two tours in Iraq has his vehicle spray painted with "Soldiers are murderers" Fark: He worked in a medical treatment facility saving lives	(360)
(Some Guy)	"Brits get drunk, grab a sweaty girl from the dancefloor and wake up beside a complete stranger the next morning. Now, love-starved men nationwide are forking out thousands of pounds to be taught how to talk to women"	(311)
(Some Emo Guy)	Eighth grade boy fights for right to wear make-up (with Do Not Want pic)	(279)
	Congress has reached an agreement regarding the outline of the bailout deal. If you live in the US and pay taxes, grab your ankles	(1002)
(Some Guy)	Stealing metal for scrap yard dollars is so low tech, today's green thieves swipe solar panels	(36)
	♪ They plump when the bomb squad detonates them, Ball Park Franks ♫	(29)
	If your student handbook has an entry for Feb. 16, 2009 about a "Black History Linch and Learn" don't worry there are tiny "u" stickers being printed for correction	(135)
	Egypt hostages moved to Libya, can't get their security deposit back	(18)
(Some Guy)	Hard to say which is worse, hearing about a 10-year old getting hospitalized while car surfing, or discovering that his mom was driving the car when it happened	(59)
	Man who has the world on tenterhooks with his attempt to fly to France with a home-made wing, has chickened out again. "I follow the little bees in my body and they say no." The bees are always right - THEY can fly	(47)
	Dutch man fined for smoking a joint...because it had tobacco in it	(136)
	Once the mark of ex-cons and white supremacists, above-the-neck tattoos are becoming more common among normal people. Soon-to-be-remorseful normal people	(552)
	Reckless drunk driving at 98 mph is bad enough, but your passenger will never get away with urinating outside of your car parked in the middle of the road as the police approach - unless of course you're both cops	(74)
	Today's "columnist aghast when she discovers that anonymous newspaper comment boards are often a wretched hive of scum and villainy" is Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune	(80)
	Best-criminal-charges award goes to this guy, for weapons, offensive touching, terroristic threatening and criminal mischief. BONUS: Criminal nuisance and reckless endangering charges added after busting cell sprinkler with his head	(23)
	If you're going to Taser an unruly suspect, make sure he's not standing on the edge of a building	(119)
	Hundreds Protest U.S. Aircraft Carrier Arrival in Japan - no this is not a repeat from 1854 or 1945	(100)
	Oktoberfest has started in Munich. Bring on the smokin babes and beer	(204)
	Man reports prostitute to police after she fails to deliver promised orgasm. "The officers were unable to mediate the situation successfully, and the man filed charges against the woman"	(61)
(Chronicle Herald)	If you're going to rob an elderly man, try not do to do it next to the police cadet training center	(18)
	Once one of the hottest economies around, Ireland is now in a recession. If only they had something they could do to get their minds off the bad news	(133)
(US-101 News)	High school student arrested for illegal drugs. Sister comes to pick up student and is promptly arrested -- for having illegal drugs	(98)
	Gulf seafood industry destroyed by Hurricanes Gustav and Ike. Well, except for one man and his boat named Jenny	(81)
	Photoshop these Asian puppets and sculptures	(36)
	If your patient can't afford to pay for their dental treatment, do you c) break into their home, tie their hands behind the couch, and extract it?	(47)
	Kentucky man accused of trading pills for sex, asymmetrical hair	(92)
	Male probation officer wearing a blond wig, black miniskirt, fishnet stockings and no shoes has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana & methamphetamines. What a drag	(45)
	Parents to child: "Son, you are using too many minutes on your cell phone." Child to parents: "That's a double homicide."	(151)
	Biker gang masquerades as a Christian Ministry masquerades as a biker gang	(37)
	British restaurant recreates 6000-calorie 'Shackleton' meal, complete with beer, ice cream, lingering death	(118)
(Some Guy)	PA Lottery using people dressed as penises to promote new lottery game	(62)
	Your husband has a drinking problem. Do you (C): spinkle crushed glass on his sandwiches for a week in order to cure him	(79)
	Man to cross English Channel using ACME Giant Kite Kit	(55)
	Not to put too fine a point on it, say I'm the only bee in your bonnet. Make a little birdhouse in your nudist beach	(163)
	Ten ways to get out of a speeding ticket: Surprisingly, The old Jedi approach makes the list, but doesn't hold a candle next to good old-fashioned sobbing	(148)
	Japanese woman named Minister of Declining Birthrate. Vows to inseminate useful information and rub out the problem by the end of the trimester	(86)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Bugs	(43)
	British City Council lifts 28-year ban on Monty Python's 'The Life of Brian'. The Sun-ny side is there	(77)
	Man gets hit by both car and train within six hours. Word of advice: stay away from airports	(27)
	Fires over Machu Pichu. I'll never get over Machu Pichu	(108)
	Old and busted: Bird flu. New hotness: horse flu	(22)
	Outdoor gasp pools wheeze boost hack asthma pant risk. Whew	(31)
	Because apparently common sense didn't already dictate this, it is now illegal to email while you drive in California	(75)
	Man sues doctors for having circumcision and waking up with amputated penis. Doctors say they discovered cancer and made emergency decision. Man still goes "WTF, YOU CUT OFF MY PENIS"	(304)
(Some Guy)	Caption this runner giving his all for freedom	(69)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 177: "In and Out". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(202)

Wed September 24, 2008

	Acid spill leads to school evacuation, impromptu laser light show	(39)
	Church leaders urge Christians to abstain from food for 40 days to support gay marriage ban. Submitter's calculations are incomplete, but this appears to have a high probability of ending well	(473)
	Phoenix frat guys vomit milk onto traffic, cause crash	(58)
	Not news: an airport runway has iced over. News: today, in south Texas. Fark: because FEMA paid a trucker to pick up 40,000 lbs of ice in Maryland, and then drive it to the Texas runway to be melted in the sun. Does ice melt in Maryland?	(124)
	I'll see your "Mother helps son build arsenal for school shooting" and raise you a "Mother drives son and fellow gang-bangers on drive-by shooting."	(53)
	Guy steals beer truck "thinking he'd get some beer," only to find out it's empty. You're doing it wrong	(28)
	How to Torment a TeleMarketer with one word	(293)
	Not news: High school girl molested by guidance counselor. News: She was assigned to him after being molested by her History teacher. Fark: A Third teacher notified the school she wanted him to "molest" her too	(186)
	Brummie accent voted least cool accent in Britain while The Queen's English carries the most cachet: "If you speak with a Birmingham accent, people assume you're thick"	(92)
	Double Cheeseburgers coming off the dollar menu at McDonalds. You have to feel not so much sad as slightly relieved by their inability to still sell two patties of meat at a profit for a dollar	(137)
	After replacing all chocolate with "mockolate" in its product, Hershey's respond to media controversy: They did it because we like fake chocolate better. Gee, thanks for clearing that	(124)
	Preschools sending notes home ticking off parents over the contents of their toddlers' lunchboxes	(114)
(Some Cook)	Bacon, you are dead to me	(143)
	Man tells police he broke into a house and started two fires because it was dark inside	(15)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this t-shirt in an unusual place	(77)
	Hey Hun, I found a great price on flights to Sydney - It says we'll be flying on a DH1 Dash 8-100. Is that the new Airbus?	(75)
(Some Chick)	If you are a deported felon back in the US and are carrying a stolen handgun it is best not to be driving around with your stereo blaring so loud it attracts the police	(31)
	Seven better uses for $700 billion. Submitter thinks that every American taxpayer should get $5000 instead	(270)
(Politiken)	Transparency International: Denmark is the least corrupt country in the world. Danish people: we just hide it better	(32)
(VillageSoup.com)	If you are a lawyer and decide to expose yourself to some random woman and her daughter, try and be sure it's not a client	(28)
(Las Cruces Sun-News)	Census Bureau says 74% of El Paso residents speak Spanish at home. Other 26% fled back to Mexico when they saw Census employee approach	(100)
	If profanity, threats to kill own attorneys and soiling your clothes don't stop trial, try using a marker on your face	(31)
	Rush to find extent of NZ melamine contamination, put aside the alienation, get on with the fascination	(88)
(Some Guy)	Cows that milk themselves - the robotic dairy that allow the cows to choose their own milking time	(56)
(Some Chick)	San Diego firefighters suing city for being forced to ride in Gay Pride parade. They were called names and subjected to other harassment by scantily clad parade attendees	(132)
	Not news: Paris plans the first skyscraper to be built in over 30 years. Fark: it's a 50-story Triscuit. With Nabiscoey-good photo	(48)
(Fashionable)	Don't mess with me, I wear a shirt made out of organic pasta and damn if I don't look like a serial killer	(38)
	Prince Albert might possibly get married, leave can	(23)
	Obama Campaign: "The debate is on"	(1102)
(app.com)	When we're overrun by snakes; we simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. Then we've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat and when wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death	(33)
	Bill Clinton tells Todd Palin, "Give support...but don't make her look weak." Then, Clinton gave him some political advice	(44)
	Woman puts up $1 million to get Jewish families to move to Alabama. Because if there's one thing Alabama welcomes, it's people who are different	(72)
	Catholic archbishop threatens closure of maternity wards in Catholic hospitals if abortion law passes	(253)
	'Penis-pump' judge officially disbarred, could not even erect a defense	(30)
	Comm-Com Pow-Wow So-So	(22)
	Media Matters asks: As debates loom, will media learn from past coverage shortfalls? Submitter: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, you were serious?	(41)
	Fan to Roger Ebert: "Y U not review this movie?" Ebert to fan: "Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand"	(121)
	What happens when a big ass elephant escapes from the zoo and runs in front of a big ass bus in Mexico? Nothing good (with disturbing pics)	(84)
(MyFoxPhilly.com)	Fired TV anchor Alycia Lane finally explains bikini photos sent to married man	(35)
	Ugly-ass half-cat half-Yoda adopted in Illinois. With ugly, ugly-ass pics	(66)
	At 8:30am this morning, Obama called McCain about working together to get the emergency bailout legislation passed. John McCain responded by suspending his campaign and trying to take credit for the idea	(509)
	From Nixon's sweaty chin to Gore's eye-rolling, here's some of the most dramatic moments from past presidential TV debates	(47)
(Planet Out)	Roman Catholic lector is shocked to find the church has a problem with his self-description as "a happy porn-writing Sodomite"	(17)
	Investors shovel $28.7 million into Digg. Or as Drew calls it, beer money	(47)
	In a move sure to upset PETA and thrill Scottish farmers, Michigan court declares sheep aren't people	(55)
	Mug shots of the 57 Vanderbilt University frat brothers arrested for drunken campground party	(123)
	Frail old man runs from African American asking for change	(1250)
	McCain to Times, come in. Times: This is Times, go ahead McCain, over. McCain: standby to copy transmission 3, 2, 1 You are full of crap you partisan hacks go fark yourself -- end transmission	(343)
	Customer in line complains guy in front is taking too long. To rob the bank	(44)
	President Bush to address the nation tonight on the Wall Street bailout and the season premiere of "Heroes," which he thought "totally rawked"	(390)
	Georgia lawmakers think sporting events, college campuses, churches and political rallies should have more people carrying concealed guns. What could possibly go wrong?	(216)
(WesternTelegraph)	Landlord says government should rethink current drink-driving campaign, with its tempting frothy mugs of ice cold beer, just aching to be drank to the last tasty drop	(48)
	"Glasgow Nautical College has been closed for the day after floodwater blocked the main entrance"	(43)
(DesNews)	If you and your buddy have been drinking, there's probably a better way to keep him from driving his motorcycle home than running him off the road and nearly killing him. Bonus: third drunk driver nearly runs over cops and victim	(30)
	Toilets at the 2012 Olympics in London will face away from Mecca so as not to offend Muslims. However, they will face toward Yorkshire, which will offend everybody else	(322)
	Man spooked by a strange noise outside his apartment brings his gun to bed - and accidentally shoots his girlfriend. That's his story and he's sticking to it	(40)
(Some Guy)	Sarah Palin gets blessed by witch hunter, weigh-in with a duck is still pending	(180)
	Investment bankers flood into Mexico and Canada	(39)
	Rupert Murdoch would buy NY Times, thinks "its soft stories and newsless front page and all its talk of being a news brand" means it's "forsaken what a newspaper is." Hero tag if he stops user registration for Farkers	(49)
	Worried your granny might fall over and bust a hip? Just fit her with an airbag	(33)
	Today's bad influence on our children is * shakes Magic 8 Ball *...John Steinbeck?	(114)
	Study warns inhalers may carry deadly risks, especially if you're wearing a Warriors shirt	(46)
	One surefire way to guarantee yourself a ticket to Hell would be to steal a 10-year-old cancer patient's puppy and Wii	(86)
(Some Guy)	Fox News anchor in Maine not happy about bring mistaken for Sarah Palin, having viewers leave messages like, "What is this is K-mart version of Sarah Palin...what did you do, lose your little cheapo glasses?" (pics)	(189)
(Some Guy)	RCMP finally catch an escaped inmate who had been on the run for a month. But to be fair, they found him in Saskatchewan, so he was probably ready to go back to jail	(85)
	Meet the people who are terrified of cheeseburgers	(194)
	Cool: kittie comes along on family vacation. Fark: by clinging to the bottom of their camper (pic)	(82)
	Stand up paddle surfboards are the SUVs of surfing. And just as beloved	(136)
	Boss to workers: Here are your pink slips. Workers to boss: Here are your iron bars	(81)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this tube rider	(52)
(wauwatosa now)	Man snagged for breaking into cars gets rowdy with police, claims to be trained in ultimate fighting, and ends the night wearing paper clothes	(51)
(Las Cruces Sun-News)	Hazing by a high school football team that involved the ol' broomstick up the butt trick "was a very violent, very serious form of bullying," says school superintendent Rick Romero. No, really	(182)
	What lap dancers really think of their clients	(379)
	"Farking hell, why can't women in this hospital give birth naturally?" It's a good question, but maybe best not to ask while they're actually having a Caesarean	(112)
	Actual headline: "Man goes to court after butt stapled shut"	(96)
(HOT TAMALES®)	"Some like it hot- Some like it hotter". (Sponsored Link)	(65)
	BBC tackles the topic American media are too scared to touch - American teeth versus British teeth. "US teeth are sometimes whiter than it is physically possible to get in nature," they note	(79)
	"Honey, can you call your dad to find out how we're supposed to harvest all of this marijuana? Hang on a second, there's somebody knocking at the door..."	(48)
	New Polls show Americans are a bunch of fickle, indecisive mofos	(214)
	PEW Research's Obvious Division announces pollsters who ignore millions of cellphone only people have skewed results	(138)
	North Korea to restart its nuclear power plant, taunting Alec Badwin	(38)
	Bernanke, apparently inches from wetting his pants, DEMANDS bail-out action or else the terrorists will buy all the apple pie and baseballs and CEOs might not be able to pad their offshore accounts any more this year	(396)
	Coolest pics you'll see today of a frog fighting its way out of a snake	(54)
(webn)	Father Of The Year nominee uses shock collars on young sons, then tells his kids he's going to jail because they were bad after he gets busted for it	(38)
	"In Scotland, there are attempts to ban a local Orkney brewery from making an ale called Skull Splitter. It is worth taking a look at how this absurd row blew up, because it tells how we became the Nanny State"	(43)
	The top 20 beer drinking countries. Obvious: the US isn't even in the top ten. Not-so-obvious: Australia, England and Ireland lose to #1	(191)
	The California Highway Patrol is investigating an officer who rented a motel room to have sex with a woman whose traffic ticket was dismissed in court earlier that morning as a result of his false testimony	(64)
	Devil worship cult kidnap former member on her way home from church, beat her and force her to participate in pagan ritual. No, this isn't an episode of Katie Holmes' new reality show	(129)
	Dumbass: Man gives his four-year old a beer to share with his two-year old brother. Full retard: At the county fair	(41)
	REAL FACT: Snapple co-founder dead at 85	(37)
	SEC chief demands credit swap regulation, recognition as most difficult NCAA conference	(36)
(Some Guy)	PETA pressures ice cream maker to use human breast milk instead of cow milk. In response, Ben & Jerry's introduces two new flavors: Jenny Garcia & Peanut Butter C-Cup	(219)
	Woman put on trial in Dubai -- for drinking juice in public	(194)
	Local Pastor charged with Bigamy. But really, isn't having two wives punishment enough?	(106)
	Maryland state delegate who recommended "DUI" license plates for people convicted of drunk driving is arrested for drunken driving	(236)
	If you're looking to send a message to a tenant about late rental payments, arson is not the best method	(38)
	Obama is Skywalker, Bush is Vader, Cheney is Palpatine, and Washington D.C. is the Death Star. Palin is an Ewok with lipstick. Just kidding, she's Leia	(297)
(Some Grammar Nazi)	Stupid, made up holiday #268; Today is "National Punctuation Day"	(166)
	Thousands of students, dressed as porn stars, are set to invade bars and clubs as part of a giant pub crawl	(133)
	Note to customs agents: if the traveler snorts their dandruff off their own shoulder, maybe it's not dandruff	(19)
(wkowtv)	D()g = s/t {ea}k	(68)
	♫ She said, "I don't like spiders and snakes \| Mailin' them ain't what it takes to love me \| You fool, you fool" ♫	(33)
	Nanny state removes kids from loving home after "bum smack"	(131)
	Think you're scared of clowns now? The 2008 graduating class of the San Francisco Clown Conservatory has released a Naked Clown Calendar (pics)	(105)
	CNN's Campbell Brown thinks McCain's campaign is treating Sarah Palin in a very sexist way. What's wrong with being sexy? (with video rant)	(469)
(KSRW)	If you're climbing down Mt. Whitney in the dark and your cellphone rings, let it go, man	(43)
	Fark gets a plug as Roger Ebert explains how he's not a Creationist, and everyone who thought he was is part of the problem	(360)
(The Gainesville Sun)	Man suffocates after getting stuck between washer and dryer. This is why men shouldn't do laundry	(32)
	Skydiving over Mount Everest. Come on Nancy Boys, why stop there? Light yourself on fire and strap a polar bear to your chest while you're at it	(43)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these drain flies	(53)
	Can't afford a home? How about a remodeled shipping container	(94)
(Some Vagrant Drug Addict)	If you're an elementary school child and you find a heroin needle do you a) pick it up b) poke it into your arm c) stab your classmates with it FARK: d) all of the above	(80)
	Bad: Getting arrested for DUI. Worse: getting charged with battery on a police officer. Fark: by farting on the cop fingerprinting you	(94)
	Man walks into a bank wearing a cape, surgical gloves and Scream mask, demands money and leaves empty-handed after dumping a box of broken drywall he said was a bomb. This guy brought his A-game	(31)
	Italy to send 500 soldiers to break up Mob family that specializes in gambling and prostitution. Good luck with that	(59)
	Britain "ashamed" by assortment of "vulgar and obscene" greeting cards for sale in most shops, particularly since the majority are bought and sent by women (why yes, there are some SFW examples)	(89)

Tue September 23, 2008

	Fall officially gets underway when the last two nuts fall from a giant California redwood	(78)
	Study finds bottle blondes have more fun than natural ones	(198)
	Not only does a woman find Jesus in an oyster shell, she found the virgin Mary, too	(66)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these kids in a world of pure imagination	(57)
(Some Guy)	Dead guys in my drinking water? More likely then you think	(63)
	Judge orders vegetative inmate to remain in jail hospital, even though he will never regain consciousness	(81)
	Old and busted: child support. New hotness: horse support	(30)
(Wilmington StarNews)	Dead son can't be prosecuted for keeping mom in freezer	(45)
	101 signs you've encountered ghosts	(319)
	Motorists 'jump into inferno' to rescue children trapped on burning school bus	(87)
	Huge gas explosion rocks Bath, council considers renaming the city "Jacuzzi"	(32)
	Fannie, Freddie, Lehman and AIG are under investigation by FBI for fraud	(427)
	Democrats to allow drilling ban to completely expire	(398)
(Some Guy)	"Two Jawans, 4 militants killed in gunbattle." Tusken Raiders claim responsibility	(81)
	Hip hop's crown jewels are up for auction, WHAAAT Hip hop's crown jewels are up for auction, WHAAAT Hip hop's crown jewels are up for auction, OKAAAY (w/bling pics)	(123)
	Add another $13 billion to the original $10 billion that the Pentagon has lost in Iraq. In other news, Iraq U now listed as the top party school in the world	(80)
	Ben Stein explains credit-default swaps and how they got us into this mess: "One might well wonder if the whole subprime fiasco was not set up just to allow speculators to profit wildly on its collapse"	(198)
	Evangelist claims the age of consent is puberty, then pulls off his human mask to reveal a brown bear with soulless black eyes	(556)
	Stockholm airport nearly shut down by a "nice, fatty sausage from Tuscany"	(38)
	Californians don't like socializing. States that are stressed are neurotic. And Florida has a high "conscientious" ranking. Another BS study on personality traits and where you live	(175)
	"The wheelchair was removed from the Boeing 727-200 jet and placed on a vehicle -- where it immediately burst into flames and was destroyed"	(98)
	Hey, let's protest high gas prices by filling up our 18-wheelers and driving around congested Washington, D.C. just in time for rush hour	(145)
	School says bus driver who dropped first grader off unaccompanied in the middle of the Bronx "may have acted inappropriately." Bonus: The kid lived across the street from the school	(74)
	In an effort to crack down on Internet gambling, Kentucky commandeers domain names of 141 gambling sites	(211)
	Cool: Scientists extract dormant yeast culture from a weevil preserved in amber 45 million years ago. Fark: Use it to make beer	(273)
	Photoshop this fancy boat wheel	(42)
	New York Daily News hires Sarah Palin to walk around streets of New York to see what happens. Typical comment: "You're hot. But I hope you lose" (pics)	(259)
	Chicago asking Wrigley-area bars to stop serving alcohol during the playoffs, which is like asking hookers near a naval base to not do business when the men return from a year at sea	(142)
(Some Guy)	Police offering $300 for information leading to the arrest of whoever is pouring beer in city mailboxes. Drew to double the reward out of principle	(35)
(MLive)	Here's one Michigander ready for the Chinese invasion (last letter on page)	(194)
(Some Cubano)	Ever wonder what a Cuban "wrestling champ" would look like after taking on six cops and getting tazed four times? Wonder no more	(84)
	Farker TheHofstetter did a set on Craig Ferguson the other day, check it out	(182)
	"Mom, the kids at school are bullying me." "Here son, let mommy help you build an arsenal and plan a rampage. Its the only way"	(148)
	Big people, little bikes. Local TV anchors race on tricycles. Local anchor falls on butt. The laughs ensue	(26)
(LA Observed)	With all the news going on, L.A. Times devotes their cover to "LOLCats: The Inside Story," then acts surprised they're not taken seriously?	(142)
	Four university researchers killed by 100-year-old radiation experiment started by Sir Ernest Rutherford. Still no cure for curium	(108)
	McCain Camp tries to ban reporters from accompanying Palin on her tour of the UN. Shockingly CNN finally grows a pair and threatens to pull their crews on the grounds they only cover news, not campaign photo-ops	(692)
	Author says eating fat is getting a bad rap, and that people have become fatter and sicker since we started avoiding it. That's all very interesting, but the Hero tag is present because this story ends with a recipe for BACON MAYONNAISE	(144)
	America's eight worst breakfast foods. Still want	(317)
	Septuagenarian priest takes down knife-wielding robber. Actual quote: "I only wanted money. You're a priest and you're not helping"	(45)
	Top five old-timey politcal ads. Bonus: Eisenhower telling the broads to STFU and get back in the kitchen	(38)
	56 years ago today, Dick Nixon gave a pretty good speech that let him keep his job and dog. LGT outtakes. (Not safe for work language)	(48)
	Man dies after spending 34 hours in hospital waiting room without seeing a doctor	(274)
	Man has addiction to colorful toys made of building blocks. His collection is worth $100,000. His wife thinks its time he lego	(54)
	"Son, do you mind if your mother and I crash in your basement for a little while?"	(90)
	If you won't give Comcast your social security number, the terrorists win	(156)
	Man decorates his entire basement with one $10 Sharpie (with 360 degree photo)	(148)
	CU police return student's confiscated pot. And there was much rejoicing, Cheetos	(92)
(Jack Daniels, if you please)	Jack Daniels gets 17-year-old boy drunk	(62)
	Nanny State vows to protect citizens from . . . unlicensed clown music. No, really	(44)
	Gunman who finished off nine students in Kauhajoki tried to finish himself off and missed	(121)
	Abe Vigoda is still alive. It's not news, it's CNN	(116)
	Entrepreneur surviving current recession with his unique product line: Custom-made outhouses	(21)
	New global-warming threat: Scientists discover massive methane "time bomb" under the Arctic seabed	(385)
(SACRAMENTO)	It's such a fine line between "panhandling" and "armed robbery"	(46)
	If you're a spy who plans to use a fake mustache to disguise yourself for a TV interviewer, make sure your cunning plan involves enough adhesive	(31)
	New Zealand pet-food company asks the important political question of our time: "Which political leader would you like to see fed to the dogs?"	(54)
	When stealing monkeys from a wildlife compound, it is best not to tip off the law by posting about it on your MySpace page. Bonus: Teens only busted into compound because they thought pot plants grew inside	(30)
	Amsterdam becoming hip destination for teens, who are going there to bicycle and to visit museums. Oblivious tag is totally baked right now	(119)
(Sunderland Echo)	"Mom, dad -- we're hot twins. Of COURSE we were going to become porn stars"	(434)
	In space, all drivers are female	(56)
(Some Ass)	Soon in a Maine town, everyone will be able to have a cock and pullet	(40)
	Leading Doctor speaks out against designer vaginas, says that cheap factory knock-offs perform just as well	(98)
	Photoshop these hydrant hooligans	(31)
	Creator of "Bacon Boy," a superhero who shoots bacon bits from one hand and grease from the other, is dead at 10 from leukemia	(72)
	Burmese junta "lovingly" releases 9,000 prisoners. Plans to "caringly" keep the rest and possibly administer the occasional "tender" beating	(37)
	What's the greatest threat facing Germany today? Rising energy prices, stock market woes, neo-Nazism? How about Chinese lederhosen and dirndl? Dirndl dirndl dirndl	(43)
	British authorities think speed camera photo looks like a man, hilarity ensues (with "That's a maaan, baby!" pic)	(86)
	The U.S. economy has gotten so bad, even illegal aliens are saying "no thanks"	(110)
	With no other problems to address, city council passes ban on indoor furniture being used outdoors. HOA members across the nation smile	(38)
(Some Guy)	Finland school shooting, many feared dead	(302)
(nbc5i)	Banana chases a gorilla across the field at a Texas homecoming game. (YouTube link in first post)	(43)
	Sacked employees needed a way to show their former boss how much they disapproved of his downsizing decision, choose option C	(52)
	Perfect example of train robbers doing it wrong	(22)
	Could Howard Hughes, Michael Jackson and Donald Trump be right?	(130)
(Some Chick)	You're 91 and your caregiver brings you a plate of grapes. What do you do? Shoot him, of course	(37)
	Constables busted for getting money for nothing, chicks for free	(63)
	If you've been hoping and waiting for the chance to buy an Elvis museum, here's your chance	(15)
	Stripper mom hires babysitter from Craigslist, drops them off, doesn't come back. That's a time out for you	(63)
	Fifth grader suspended for homemade "Obama is a terrorist" t-shirt	(661)
	Old and busted: pandering to Mexican illegal aliens. New hotness: pandering to Irish illegal aliens	(166)
	Why elderly people should avoid farmers markets in Israel	(39)
	Train moving too slowly. Man does rational thing and climbs over it, with predictable results	(46)
	Today's "large American city that's run out of gasoline" story comes to us from Atlanta. Tune in tomorrow to see if your city is next	(116)
(Some Chick)	"Nickelsville," a homeless camp in Seattle, is comprised of 155 pink tents donated by the Girl Scouts	(68)
	Juror gets detention after being asked to be excused from a trial for for "emotional," "mental" and "dental" reasons	(57)

Mon September 22, 2008

	Republicans: your Democratic incumbent candidate used a horse barn for his voting address. Democrats: your Republican challenger registered a dog track as his voting address. Yes, it's Florida	(58)
	Photoshop this big-mouthed baby	(80)
	Slitting your wrists on the witness stand during your own trial is not the best way to sway the jury in your favor	(28)
	Pictures of a cow jumping a woman and a donkey in the background cracking up	(53)
	820,000 Texans still without power. 20,000 because of Hurricane Ike and 800,000 because, well, it's Texas	(108)
(Commercial Appeal)	When counterfeiting money it's wise to know your historic figures (lower story)	(38)
	Meet the girls who won't even kiss before marriage and their highly protective fathers	(278)
	Alabama dog puts foot in mouth with off color joke	(34)
	"McCain, Obama Avoid Same-Sex Marriage." Cindy, Michelle heave sigh of relief	(68)
	43 killed in fire at illegal Chinese dance hall. If only they hadn't gone back into the building after exiting and running around it	(71)
	Michigan police beat diabetic motorist into coma. That'll teach him to appear drunk	(136)
	Fat peoples rights group takes offense to billboard suggesting that the way to cure obesity is to beat it out with a stick	(286)
	Another Greyhound bus passenger stabbed in Canada. Only suffered minor injuries, but he'll beheading to hospital anyway	(67)
	Bald chicken Buffy no longer has to go out in the buff - she keeps warm in a knitted jumper	(22)
	Arrest made in murder committed 33 days ago in 1975	(77)
	30 years ago this week, a Cessna and a Pacific Southwest Airlines 727 collided and crashed into a San Diego neighborhood. Pics of the crash, including the flaming 727	(105)
	Monster pig holds woman hostage, Stockholm Syndrome sets in: "It's a beautiful male pig but he's just so big and so pushy"	(50)
	Today's "drunk driver stopped on an airport runway" story brought to you by Tampa. With mugshot goodness	(38)
	To make a baby... you need to eat 18 broccolis a week	(130)
	Have you been hoping that the EPA would eventually limit the levels of rocket fuel in your drinking water? Yeah, well that's not going to happen. In other news, there's rocket fuel in your drinking water	(85)
	"Managerially, software-wise, procedure-wise, training-wise, there is no confidence that these people will be ready in less than 50 days for the election"	(100)
(Some Guy)	Gay activists out John McCain's chief of staff, accusing him of holding all-night orgies, wearing white after Labor Day	(570)
	Man explains "he had an itch and it felt more comfortable to sleep naked," but not why he chose to nap in front of City Hall	(15)
(KSL)	Thousands of fur coats escape farm	(50)
(Some Rubbernecker)	Darwin uses a train to score a double on a copulating couple	(75)
(Some Inmate)	Not News: Inmate has a moldy mattress. News: He sues the state. Fark: Inmate wins $295,000 in damages	(80)
(Some Guy)	Best obit EVAR: "Jim Adams, 53, was was sadly deprived of his final wish, which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date"	(123)
	Atlanta attempts the Trafalgar Square Pigeon fiasco, American style	(64)
(Some free roaming vapor)	Ghost-hunting class being taught at LSU. Dr.s Venkman, Stantz and Spengler unavailable for comment	(151)
	AWWWWW pics of a litter of 10 ugly-ass piglets in several different colours. The newborns are pink, black, white and ginger, with spots or speckles	(49)
	"Nude skater turns heads on Ore. waterfront." Bonus: Construction workers complained about her	(229)
	DOW plummets nearly 400 points in one day. This is not a repeat	(478)
	Roger Ebert supports Creationism...with the most entertaining Q&A ever	(638)
	Photoshop this big bug	(56)
(Some Guy)	Is our children learning? Pittsburgh City Schools sets 50 percent as minimum grade, no matter the actual score	(136)
	All you need is a bottle of cheap booze and a dream. Henry Earl pockets his 1,000th arrest (no updated link yet, link goes to Wikipedia article)	(167)
	Times of London revisits its list of five books to avoid after reading feedback on the original list on Fark.com	(186)
	$500 for a barrel of oil? Fearmonger inflation strikes CNN	(142)
(Some Guy)	Judge evicts Dane Cook from his apartment. Lawyers still working on HBO moratorium	(243)
	Woman who disciplined her two-year-old daughter with a high-pressure car wash hose pleads "no contest." You'd hit it with your hot wax cycle	(175)
	The record did not come easy. Leonard fought the fish for an hour, shot it twice, then drove around with the creature for hours before weighing it	(61)
	Behind the scenes with Nigeria's official "bachelor catcher," who drags unmarried men through the streets in a noose to shame them into marriage. Presumably, this technique was cut from "The Rules" for reasons of length	(67)
(Some Guy)	If you'd like to rob a bank, it's probably not a great idea to put the mask on in front of a witness and then walk home after	(13)
	Best. Milkshake. EVAR clocks in at 2300 calories	(230)
(Some Guy)	Instant Photoshop contest: By issuing the "Zombie Lincoln" memorial penny, the U.S. Mint looks like they could use some help. Let's photoshop some alternatives for them	(67)
	JetBlue terminal reopens after investigation showed that the passenger's hand grenades were harmless replicas, and the passenger was painfully stupid	(30)
(Some Guy)	Billboard urges questioning of religion. What could possibly go wrong?	(487)
(Some Guy)	Man tells cops he was watering pot plants for a friend and didn't realize the plants were illegal. "I guess I have too many friends in low places."	(75)
	Lamborghini names new four-door "Urus," German for "Big Cow"	(114)
	Back of the line	(60)
	McCain's campaign manager was paid $2 million to defend Fannie and Freddie against stricter regulations. Doh	(409)
	New edition of Debrett's Guide to Modern Manners released. Here are some highlights. You've probably broken every rule since you rolled out of bed this morning	(143)
	The penny gets a makeover: Lincoln will now be wearing Sarah Palin glasses. Sharp	(134)
	Judge scuttles pirate-ship tree house. Ninjas everywhere rejoice	(91)
	Buying a house and selling it five weeks later to your gardener at a 50 percent markup sure was fun while it lasted	(134)
(Some Guy)	"We're not going to allow someone to violate the zoning laws because they do it in the name of Jesus Christ"	(174)
(Modesto Bee)	Not news: Bikini-wearing thief jewel thief caught with pockets full of panties. Fark: It's a dude	(60)
	Add "tax-funded bank stability" to "military expenditures" on the list of things the other G7 nations are happy about. You're welcome, rest of world. Signed, American Taxpayer	(244)
	Photoshop theme: A ghost, a toast and a post	(44)
	A last-minute change in dinner plans saved pretty much the entire Pakistani government from being obliterated in yesterday's bomb blast	(83)
	Bankruptcy judge orders man to pay back thief	(99)
(PJ Star)	Lesser-known tips for getting elected: Share the same name as a recent Playboy cover girl	(41)
	Russia sends fleet to Venezuela, in its largest Western hemisphere deployment since the Cold War	(247)
	Prison inmates becoming among the most eco-conscious people on the planet as they save rare birds, protect vital natural habitats and enjoy organic tossed salads with hand-made honey or jelly	(72)
(Some Guy)	Meth addict is given a chihuahua to repay a debt. Then a year later, things really get strange	(53)
	Britain has such a chronic shortage of midwives that they are each forced to juggle three births at the same time. This might not be such a big problem were it not for the ceiling fans	(56)
	Now you can wash your suit at the same time as you wash your hair, with this new clothing range from an Australian company	(41)
	Israel cashing in on caviar crisis but it's a tough roe to hoe	(28)
	Ric Romero reports that tall bridges can be a tough obstacle for people afraid of heights	(59)
	Idaho woman wins hog calling contest. Bonus:her name is bacon. Mmmm....baaaacon	(53)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this model citizen	(30)
	Vancouver transit police have seized 24 cans of bear spray in the subway in the last year. Apparently they're afraid of Winnie the Subway Rapist or of losing their honey to felonious bears	(63)
	Guns fall silent today on Afghanistan peace day. Apparently everybody's loading up their clips and getting ready for Afghanistan War Day, which is the other 364 days of the year	(54)
	For the first time since the passage of Glass-Steagall, there are no significant investment banks left	(322)
	The average person breaks the law at least once a day. "Some of these crimes might seem petty but they were all made illegal for a reason."	(224)