Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-09-07 23:59:59'

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Sun September 07, 2008

	Problem: Your can't afford your current home. Solution: Find a newer, more affordable home and completely walk away from your previous financial obligations	(7)
(WCPO)	TSA employee tells Cincinnati Police he's a federal agent, with predictable results	(89)
(Bippity Boppity Bacon)	I call your bacon flavored vodka and raise you a bacon infused bourbon	(98)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this sweet ride	(47)
	Iran's armed forces will begin three days of Photoshop training on Monday	(53)
(Albany Times Union)	Score one for sanity as New York state court throws out lawsuit filed by woman who fell 120 feet from waterfall while walking along it blindfolded and wearing flat-soled no-tread shoes	(75)
(Some Guy)	Creepy "Clowning for Christ" troupe scrubs cars for free at a "pray and wash" (w/creepy clown pic)	(156)
	As usual, most of the trash covering the Jersey Shore is from Pennsylvania	(50)
	Florida man steals $50,000 worth of bottled water from work...in a 6 week period	(61)
(The Intelligencer)	America's longest-serving volunteer firefighter to be honored. Started as a 14-year-old, shortly after fire was discovered	(24)
	Newest threat to America's children: Moms and babysitters who constantly yap and text while ignoring their anklebiters' needs	(100)
	Doctor? Check. Epidural? Check. Bourbon? Check. Wait...what?	(48)
	WW2 spy's plot to kill Nazi boss: With a bow & arrow	(77)
	Charity set up to benefit the families of fallen 9/11 firefighters gives almost nothing of $11 million in collected donations to the families	(119)
	Three words: bacon flavored vodka	(130)
	Not news: Woman searches for missing dog. News: Uses pistol to search for missing dog. Fark: Shoots people who say they have not seen missing dog	(68)
	Pint of beer will be £7.50 by time of 2012 Olympics, and you don't even want to know what it will cost if you want it chilled	(76)
(Some Guy)	The projected path for hurricane Ike now has the hurricane headed for . . . wait for it . . .wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Louisiana	(227)
(Some Guy)	What do you do when 78% of your students fail the state writing test? Call the results inconclusive and withhold them until asked	(114)
(Some Guy)	Cabbage Patch kids turn 25, find it difficult to shed their adolescent image	(58)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this rude child	(61)
	Vice President Dick Cheney will speak at a Civil War re-enactment in Tennessee. Let's see, thousands of Confederates with rifles and cannons... what could possibly go wrong?	(96)
	Old and busted: Tourists visiting theme parks in Orlando. New hotness: Tourist visiting missing toddler's house in Orlando	(34)
	"Florida has spent the last 80 years ignoring its vulnerability, developing its floodplains and shorelines, selling the dream of the Sunshine State. But the day of reckoning will come. Hopefully it won't come Tuesday"	(103)
	All your mortgages are now our mortgages	(600)
	If there's one thing the UK and Ireland can finally agree upon, it's that carting your wife around over the shoulder is right boffo fun	(24)
	Unique Freud portrait of Bacon up for sale. No, it's not what you're thinking. Sometimes Bacon is just a guy, you know	(57)
	Worst guitar solo ever. Complete with devil horns at the end	(228)
	Russian government afraid of smokers' wrath. "Fifty percent of citizens are smoking in this country," Mr. Medvedev said. "That's the highest rate in the world. I would not even mention alcohol"	(68)
(some Yat)	Perhaps the greatest invention in the history of beer	(49)
(thisismoney.co.uk)	At 30 cents a pint, Chinese beer production set to become largest in world	(72)
	Quite possibly the coolest cake you will see all day. All the muppet show characters done with incredible detail. It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights	(115)
	First the ham turned green. Then the eggs turned green. Now Sam I Am is having to deal with... green polar bears?	(40)
	If you're heading out to the Mojave Desert anytime soon, and have a little extra passenger space, then Sadie would love a lift. Oh, and just so you know, Sadie just happens to be a desert tortoise	(31)
	I kissed a girl and I liked it then I went to hell	(372)
	Pollution can make you fat, claims study by group of people who have never been to Los Angeles	(24)
	Christians are going to dating workshops to learn everything from body language to pick-up lines. "You float my ark" (Voting enabled for your own)	(176)
	Aussies will be limited to one case of beer per day at the annual Bathurst 1000 car race. EVERBODY PANIC MATE	(33)
(In a world...)	Photoshop the late Don LaFontaine	(54)
(Some Arachnid)	Today's "15 tanks full of venomous spiders found in house" story brought to you by Sioux City, Iowa	(88)
	Guy breaks into house, then some weird stuff with cooking ingredients and whacking a man in the face with an 8-inch sausage, runs out, dog eats the weapon	(51)
	A four-year old boy is in critical condition after being attacked by a ferocious Alaskan governor	(122)
	Kim Jong Il joins Fidel Castro in ranks of world's zombie hordes	(134)
(Some Guy)	Lawyer banned from city park after asking parents if he could tickle their children	(96)
	The Dalai Lama's brother passes away. But on his deathbed he gained total consciousness. So he had that going for him. Which is nice	(72)

Sat September 06, 2008

	Brits eat twice as much meat then they did forty years ago. Not that there's anything wrong with that	(85)
	A look at the personality types that litter the comments section of every Fark article. Includes Mr. Science, the Non-Believer and the Bully	(278)
(my confined space.com)	Photoshop these climbing soldiers	(46)
	Study suggests that intellectual activities make people eat more than when at rest. Which explains the epidemic of super-fat Ph.D's, Physicians, and Lawyers	(68)
(WebMD)	Marijuana cures antibiotic resistent staph infection MRSA; is there ANYTHING pot can't do?	(304)
	"And the Lord sayeth, 'verily, when another driver doth cut thou off, thee shall freaketh out and wave a firearm at him.' Amen"	(52)
(Some Halfin guy)	Caption this very Metal moment	(98)
	Ike keeping his Saffir-Simpson hand a strong Cat 4, is set to biatch-slap the Turks, Caicos, and Bahamas. Promises he'll never do it again	(90)
	Tips for New Yorkers to help them get through Tropical Storm Hanna or as Floridians call it, a thunderstorm	(114)
	Ford actually makes a cool looking car. Bonus: it gets 65 MPG. Fark: They won't sell it in the US for "business reasons"	(405)
(Some Guy)	After receiving criticism from parents who thought "she should have better things to do," Georgia superintendent wins $1 million for school system on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader"	(90)
	Not news: Woman owes credit card company $7,000. News: Company sends bill to wrong woman, takes her to arbitration when she refuses to pay. Fark: They never tell her, and win the arbitration by default	(169)
(Some Guy)	100 foods you should eat before you die	(329)
	The 10 most affordable housing markets: why doesn't anybody want to live in MI, IN, OH, or PA?	(305)
	Library fights to keep patrons by adding coffee house, a cafe and scenic views while reducing number of actual books. Next: Strobe lights and stripper poles	(83)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this concrete grinder	(52)
	Milwaukee woman blows tire on pothole. Submits a bill to city for damage and... gets reimbursed. Pigs soon to fly. Pabst becomes tasty	(90)
	Bug populations are on the decline. EVERYBODY PICNIC	(77)
(Some Guy)	"Sleep is the New Sex" writes author who must think marriage is something new	(131)
	Propped up by a culture of fear, the TSA has become a bureaucracy with too much power and little accountability	(170)
	Rick Astley grades various infamous Rick-rolls	(108)
	Texas State Fair reveals award winning fried foods - chicken fried bacon FTW	(92)
	British residents forced to hire security guards to keep their vegetable gardens safe from thieves at night. Seriously. We're not gherkin you around here	(42)
	Critic lauds 2-line descriptions of poems, asks for Twitter-length critiques of "To Autumn" by Keats (subby put poem in thread to make it easy for you)	(91)
(WJHG)	Bike riders complain that some "professional" bicyclists would be inconvenienced by proposed 8 mph bicycle speed limit	(221)
	Even $4 a gallon gas can't stop these big rigs from traveling the highways of America, striking terror into the hearts of all they come in contact with	(101)
	Bobcats take over foreclosed Los Angeles home	(93)
	You ever notice how the more health food people eat, the unhealthier they look? Turns out there's a good explanation for it	(412)
	It's not so much that 70% of people think that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer, it's that 30% don't think so. Randolph... we're back	(317)
	After hearing a female voice squawking, "help me, help me," police kick down a door to discover a talking bird. That's some fine police work there, cockatoo	(70)
	If you're upset about having to work, don't set fire to the bathroom. Especially if you're a flight attendant	(25)
	Bombings begin as Bhutto's bubba wins	(60)
	Oregon Zoo soliciting online votes for name of its baby Asian elephant calf: Duc, Amul, Bao, or Hugo-Tu (with ugly-ass pic)	(72)
(Some Guy)	Troubles brewing as thieves discover breaking into espresso stands is their cup of tea. If found, the cops have the grounds to arrest, take mug shot	(30)
(Some Guy)	Man stabbed outside of a bar because of a fight over the jukebox. Article doesn't include what song was playing at the time of his death, so we'll never know if he deserved it	(87)
	Don't be 'cheeky' when refusing a drink	(35)
	One cat could change the course of America by either voting for Obama or McCain. Now that's a Caturday we can believe in	(385)
	Rejected ideas for Hardy Boys mysteries. Photoshop a cover for a book that never made it to print	(90)
	1980s voted the coolest decade in history. You submitted this with a similar headline wearing your acid-washed jeans after having your hair feathered	(284)
	City of Las Vegas getting tough on graffiti. If you're a minor your parents are held responsible, if you're over 18 you lose your driver's license for up to 2 years	(180)
	Twenty percent of 14-year-olds say they've been drunk in new poll. Eighty percent of 14-year-olds think lying to pollsters is more fun than drinking	(55)
	Swedish woman held captive by common-law husband for nine years. No word whether she suffers from Stockholm Syndrome	(70)
(Monterey Herald)	Suspected flasher attempts to blend in with crowd at nude beach. Trenchcoat and fake pant legs attached to his knees were a dead giveaway	(18)
(Some Guy)	Mom asks 11 year old son to blow into the interlock device on her car. Boy picks up the phone and calls 911 instead	(174)
	If you had September 5th in the "Government seizes Fannie and Freddie" pool, come forward to collect your winnings	(183)
(Some Guy)	4.0 Earthquake near San Francisco, everybody panic	(168)
(Orange County Register)	Sporting good retailer replacing Chick's with Dick's	(79)

Fri September 05, 2008

	Found in 473,040,000 seconds	(53)
(Some Guy)	Former gay porn star recognized by Subway customer who demands he be fired. Not the twelve inches he was looking for?	(318)
	Labrador retriever swallows 13 golf balls on a Scottish golf course. Your dog wants Titleist	(33)
	When carrying a live grenade, a bucket of ammo and a rifle in your backseat, you might not want to ask a cop for directions to the White House	(42)
	The top fifty people who influence the way we eat, exercise and think about ourselves. Drew and 20 beers a night inexplicably absent	(29)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy's bug eyes	(61)
	A charming way to con people out of money at a traffic light	(50)
	Tennis gold medalist Dementieva loses in U.S. Open semis, disappointing all her elderly fans	(27)
	News: Supermarket evacuated after an employee spots a giant spider under a box of bananas. Fark: It was a Brazilian Wandering Spider, the world's deadliest arachnid (w/pic)	(356)
	Old and busted: Ridiculous, unwarranted searches of elderly people at airports. New Hotness: Ridiculous, Unwarranted searches of elderly people at movie theaters	(52)
	The escalating breakdown of urban society in the United States: "There are two Americas - separate, unequal, and no longer even acknowledging each other except on the barest cultural terms"	(331)
	American warship sails into Georgian port controlled by Russian forces. Awkward	(67)
	Even Republicans can't tell the difference: TN delegates cast votes for "George S. McCain"	(148)
(Some Guy)	Once again, using a cab for bank robbery is not the best idea	(6)
(Some Guy)	Woman stabs ex-boyfriend at Vulcan Village. Victim expected to live long, prosper	(24)
	You survive getting shot. Do you A) consider yourself lucky? B) sue the shooter? C) sue Craigslist for $10 million because that's where the shooter bought his gun?	(92)
	The DNC was "a triumph of choreography." Translation: Spinal Tap's dwarves didn't accidentally knock over one of the Styrofoam columns	(150)
	What better way to kick off the NFL season than with the weekly TSG mugshot roundup?	(132)
	Bhumibol Adulyadej is a fink, Submitter is now a criminal in Thailand	(82)
	"I'm From Sky Mall" and "Hangover CSI" - Reality shows we'd like to see	(40)
	Ocho Cinco, please. Here are the best name change applications you'll see today (includes a Queer, a Schmuck, a Dick, a Doody, and one Fuk King)	(195)
	Clinical and experimental research determines women who binge drink are more likely to engage in unsafe sex. In other news, research geeks finally got laid	(89)
(Some Guy)	Don't tell mom the babysitter's drunk and doing cartwheels inside the gas station while we're locked in the car for an hour in 90 degree heat	(42)
	Nine creatures named for celebrities. You're going to love number one	(129)
(Some Guy)	"Who would go and try to steal a life-size ceramic pig at 3 a.m.?"	(99)
	That YouTube video about the two guys and their lion may become a feature film. Also in development: Cats On Treadmill The Movie and Panda Sneezing: Apocalypse	(84)
	Photoshop this powerful plant	(100)
	About that jobless increase, apparently there is some fine print	(103)
	McCain edges out Obama with 38.9 million viewers, most of whom fell asleep and left the TV on	(763)
	Congressman still stands by uppity comment. Bonus: he led opposition against renewing the Voting Rights Act, funding investigations into Civil Rights killings	(349)
	Hulk Hogan's files show he spends about $38K/month on legal fees while divorcing his wife. Meanwhile, she's spending $7K on clothing, $7.5K on maid service, and another $1700 on jewelry. A month	(136)
(Middle East Online)	The dirty secret that hides a dirtier secret: Middle East "Honor Killings" are usually just covers for other crimes against women	(161)
	"Bangkok Dangerous" pulls an impressive 9 percent at Rotten Tomatoes: "The only reason to see a Nicolas Cage movie these days is to have a good laugh at his latest wig"	(233)
	Continental Airlines introduces $15 fee for 1st checked bag	(155)
	O.J. Simpson in Vegas hoping to track down the real armed memorabilia robbers	(92)
	That green backdrop that was used during McCain's speech last night? Turns out it was the front lawn at Walter Reed, but it's not the Walter Reed you're thinking of	(775)
	New Jersey braces for winds and rains from Tropical Storm Hanna. Guidos warned that popped collars will act like sails in the wind	(252)
(Standpoint)	"When by the mid-2nd century Jesus failed to return, Jewish Christianity progressively faded away, while St Paul's Gentile church survived ... albeit in a form that I believe would have perplexed Jesus the Jew"	(186)
	Researcher determines 'The Simpsons' funnier than 'Seinfield' by examining brain stimulation. 'Friends' failed to register	(204)
	The UK refuses to let bagpipers perform at the Kremlin because of Russia's invasion of Georgia. Not having to listen to bagpipe music as punishment? Yeah, that'll teach them	(60)
	Al Qaeda vows more attacks against Denmark, Denmark readies LEGO Millennium Falcon for retaliation	(168)
(wsbtv.com)	One of the bonuses of evacuating for Hurricane Gustav is being able to rob stores in other cities	(196)
	Remember the mayor delivered drugs by mistake, and then the police raided his house and shot his dogs? They sheriff's office did a study and concluded they were correct to shoot the dogs, one of them while it was fleeing in terror	(542)
	You let a drunk mess with the mechanical bull in your restaurant, you get the lawsuit	(74)
	Study by Scottish professors of "sexology" suggests that women with longer strides and 'greater vertebral rotation' are more prone to orgasm. Submitter takes a new interest in the WNBA	(248)
	The sun will always rise in the east, the seasons will always come and go, and Florida will still be counting ballots	(59)
	British magazine awards annual oddest book title to "Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers," which is much better than previous winners "Bombproof Your Horse" and "Reusing Old Graves."	(46)
	Seven great sports moments (that might have been fixed)	(234)
	Unleaded gasoline available in Washington DC. Unleaded water, not so much	(39)
	Man complains to police that he was attacked during a pub crawl. By the red Teletubby	(37)
(KETV)	That black doll hanging by a wire from a cross in the yard is not racist, says the guy with the rebel flag and the dog named Hitler. "It's sentimental."	(208)
	British MP carries jar of unmarked white powder through Colombia while on trip. Hilarity ensues	(58)
	What did the Romans ever do for us? Irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and increased our susceptibility to AIDS	(114)
(The Collegian)	"Sex without a condom is the new engagement ring"	(334)
	Who needs strippers and booze at the bachelor party when you have Tasers?	(29)
	Thug armed with knife stabs 71-year old woman to steal her purse, is alarmed when she gets up and chases him down the street. In a related story, Skynet rolls out the T-71	(48)
	Up in the sky is it a bird, a plane... oh hell it's the unemployment rate	(340)
	In Canada, It's unconstitutional not to support single moms	(79)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy row-row-rowing his boat	(67)
(Some Guy)	Caption outgoing Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick	(146)
	Today's "hazing at a Christian college" story comes to you from San Diego. "Handy said the incident did not leave him with bad feelings. Nobody was urinated on."	(88)
	As if there weren't enough things to worry about, now you can add wallabies to the list of Australian animals which might kill you	(67)
(Some Guy)	Texas woman finds the Virgin Mary on a grape. Bonus quote: "Mom and I had a laugh about it at first, seeing as how we're Baptists and all and we generally don't expect to see holy people popping up in our foodstuffs."	(81)
	Britney's mom reveals in tell-all book how her daughter became a train wreck. Cue that blonde guy	(132)
	Man gets 12 years for telling his wife to put her head in a noose as part of a haunted house he made. In reality, he wanted to hang her. "He just felt horrible about the whole thing."	(49)
(ocala.com)	News: Generous 8-year-old hands out pile of $20 bills to other students. Fark: The cash was counterfeit and the student was busted by the lunch lady	(34)
	Woman in "shock" over giant zucchini. Probably should have used some K-Y	(108)
	One in seven people report being "bullied" at work. Numbers would have been higher except some people took their red Swingline home and came back only to set fire to the place	(77)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this challenging exercise	(32)
	Any advertisments that promote women as sex objects should be banned, according to an European Union report. EU the insanity	(139)
	Woman attacked by thugs who poured 16 pints of milk over her and ran away. Police describe it as "a little of the ol' ultraviolence"	(89)
	Man discovers innovative way to keep his house clean	(48)
(WA Today)	Snake loose on Air India plane. If only there was a pop-culture reference submitter could use to increase the chance of this headline being greenlit	(73)
	Right now someone's having a whole lotta sex, wheelchair be damned	(39)
	Buddhist monk attempts to kill hornets with a torch, is re-introduced to that fickle biatch called karma	(56)
	♫ These nutbags burn the morning train ♫ They set fire to it and then ♫ Some others hurl big-ass stones when ♫ The train keeps them awaitin' ♫	(33)
	Nanny State residents told not to expect cutting edge medical treatment from their socialized medical system. And by "cutting edge medical treatment", they mean "removing earwax"	(107)

Thu September 04, 2008

	Ecstasy dealer shocked that the police were able to identify her, but if you see the mugshot, you'll understand	(148)
(ABS-CBN)	90-day suspension not sitting well with "rectal scandal" victim even though he is used to people being a pain in his ass	(59)
(insidebayarea.com)	Study finds that toddlers absorb more toxic chemicals than mothers, scouring pads	(40)
	How to end up as a Fark headline, in three easy steps. 1) Own 10 cats. 2) Light a candle 3) Leave the house	(54)
(Some Guy)	Kenya believe it? It's snowing outside	(86)
	Crackhead decides to join physical fitness class to get in shape, at his local middle school. Hilarity ensues	(43)
	Michael Moore giving away his lastest piece of crap for free	(338)
(WFAA.com)	You can add "Exploding glass patio tables" to the list of things to worry about while you're having a beer in your back yard	(91)
	Brad Garrett to get prostate exam on live TV. Doctors hope to find his career	(80)
	Nik Richie of "thedirty.com" outed after a DUI bust. Matt Leinart seen giggling in the background, holding clipboard	(70)
(Some Ogre)	Photoshop Grandma Shrek	(64)
	Asked if she knew why officers were there: "Yes, because of what I have growing in my back yard, my marijuana plants"	(124)
	World War 2 airman hanging from a tree / R - O - T - T - I - N - G	(133)
	Bristol Palin's baby-daddy sends his greetings to a grateful nation	(267)
	Lobbyist Jack Abramoff sentenced to 48 months in prison, where he'll be aggressively lobbied for "pork subsidies"	(127)
	In case you've ever thought of trying a concoction of Baileys, chilli, tequila, absinthe, ouzo, vodka, cider and gin a look at this woman's face should quickly dissuade you	(150)
	No Lovin' for You: Proposal in Maryland would ban sexual relationships between elected officials, employees	(54)
	Wife poses as hotel hooker to please her man. What could possibly go wrong?	(172)
	British police force bans reflective sunglasses for officers. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh--aw, crap	(84)
	TX Governor has "think to about" whether to stay an inmate's execution even though the judge and prosecutor had an affair AND the inmates appeal hearing is scheduled after his execution date. God Bless Texas	(205)
	SUV owners finding novel way to get around high gas prices: Staging phony thefts of their vehicles	(100)
	Today's massive anti-war rally outside the RNC drew damn near 50 high school and college students	(180)
	Jesse Jackson hospitalized with case of malignant irrelevancy	(265)
	For the second time in a month, somebody's been shot in St. Louis over a hamburger dispute. The Hamburglar wanted for questioning	(51)
	Baltimore saves money by cutting off the same 10 people who constantly call 911	(102)
	Gunshot victim has to sue to get prosthetic leg back from prosecutors, despite being told his case will never stand up in court	(49)
	Attempting to hit on three women in a doughnut shop: desperate. Attempting to hit three women with your car after they rejected you in the doughnut shop: guaranteed to get you a date with all of them in court	(48)
(The Henderson Gleaner)	Kentucky: Land of Bourbon, Horses, and Feuding Folk Weathermen	(66)
	Survey reveals that people stranded on a desert island would rather be stuck with their pets than their partners; cats even more so because of the lack of a need for a litter box	(109)
(Some Guy)	AP notes that the media is preparing to "pore over Palin's personal life." What have they been doing up till now -- making up shiat? Oh, wait	(1142)
	British man's condition upgraded from cremated to alive	(31)
(Daily Item)	Man uses some kind of ninja technology on his license plate to try to avoid paying $40 toll fee. Police on toll not so impressed	(64)
	Ice: goes great in a gin and tonic. In your Boeing 777 aircraft fuel: not so much	(54)
(Some Guy)	Cleveland Fark Party The Old Stand, October 11th at 8pm	(86)
	Moms say billboards too scary - Universal basks in the free publicity	(123)
	University of South Florida discovers that selling beer on campus might lead to drinking before class - school researchers now looking for cure to the painfully obvious	(83)
	New study shows that people who weave in and out of traffic or pass on the shoulder cause traffic jams. Suck it, lawless libertariantards	(391)
	MSNBC.com catches crucial footage of dancing Republicans	(188)
	Ah, the lifestyles of the rich and famous...a Wisconsin clothing store sues Oprah's mother for an unpaid bill, Oprah's mom says "she doesn't think she owes the money". All $156,000 of it	(74)
	The best segment in the history of The Daily Show ever	(746)
	Americans' productivity stronger than expected, despite what you are doing right now	(95)
	Kansas native and Dallas Cowboy, Terence Newman, goes on first rollercoaster ever, hilarity ensues	(66)
	Car slams into Budweiser beer truck and bursts into flames. Oh, the mediocrity	(57)
	Parents of boys are more likely than parents of girls to try and invent reasons for their boys behaving like unparented jackasses	(167)
(WWJ)	Mayor of Detroit gets upgrade, moves from Detroit to prison	(298)
	Crack investigative journalists discover that the GOP, including voters and officials, is almost entirely white	(388)
	Police find evidence that Caylee was abducted by the Ether Bunny	(155)
	Middle of the road college football team changes starting QB. Why is this news? The new guy is the son of the drummer from RATT	(92)
	"The baby boomers have much higher rates of self-destructive behavior than any parallel age group we have data from"	(81)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop some genius and his turtle	(76)
	Cheney travels to Georgia to condemn Russia's "illegitimate" attempt at changing a sovereign nation's regime and borders. Awkward	(108)
	New horrors unveiled: Palin once attended a Libertarian party meeting. More troubling still, it was at a Denny's	(214)
	Fact checking Palin's speech. You may need to close a few applications to load the whole thing	(1112)
	Australia has too many women. China has too many men. Sometimes, the Obvious tag is the only way to go	(88)
	Sarah Palin gives a thoughtful speech about how to combat rising unemployment and restore America's leverage abroad. Just kidding, she's a dog that wears lipstick and she sold a plane on eBay	(843)
	Black? Check. Pants slung low? Check. In Florida, that's an arrestable offense	(264)
(Some Guy)	Genius climbs over two fences to retrieve hat he lost on roller coaster. Hilarity ensues	(87)
	"Professor Splash" to attempt to set new world record, belly flop from 40' up into twelve inches of water. Cool and Stupid tags do synchronised cannonball. The Sun is there with scary slideshow of 35' test flop	(35)
(KTVU)	Eating the evidence to avoid drug charges doesn't always work, may backfire	(49)
	Cabbie goes nuts after customer writes "no tip--very rude" on credit card slip. Then things get weird	(132)
	Elephant beats heroin habit with detox	(30)
(Some Guy)	Even if it's true, don't tell the state trooper who pulled you over that you only use cocaine when you're with the prostitutes	(21)
(Peoria Journal Star)	School district may ban kids who are failing classes from going to prom, athletic events. Associate superintendant says kids' core business should be learning, and not "dropping it like it's hot"	(183)
	A school bus driver in New York City has been suspended after getting lost for five hours with little children stuck on board	(31)
	Spy satellites could soon be able to identify someone from space by looking at their shadow. Scientists still trying to work out that pesky 'sun' problem	(58)
	Congratulations Oklahoma on having the largest E. coli outbreak in U.S. history	(55)
(Tennessee Tuxedo)	Photoshop these French penguins	(67)
(Some Guy)	Cops forced to use taser on runaway emu. "I think what happened is after about two hours of running on the roadway, it probably had a heart attack."	(50)
	Music therapist takes advantage of two autistic children and a cerebral palsy patient, gets to hit the spacebar next time he's typing out his profession	(50)
	GOP to the media: Leave the Palin kids alone... so we can exploit them as we see fit	(708)
	Price war breaks out at London brothels, with some offering sex for as little as £15. ROAD TRIIIIIIPPPPPPP	(127)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 174: "Terminal Madness". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme	(174)

Wed September 03, 2008

(Scattered, Smothered, Covered)	Waffle House museum opens in Atlanta	(116)
	A list of the most expensive dog breeds to own, based on the amount of property damage they cause. Why the hell would your dog want steak when it's found your furniture?	(194)
	Canadians fall ill from strange smell in subway, apparently never been to New York	(42)
(Business Journal)	Latest report shows most Americans can't set a budget, can't save, can't invest and still live paycheck to paycheck. Who wants an equity loan?	(137)
	In other news, Mexico has a patron saint of drug trafficking	(43)
	Made for Fark headline: "Police deliver baby Jesus at NorCal gas station"	(50)
	Female stripper accused of sexually penetrating a man at a bachelor party. For some reason, the cops are treating this as a crime	(146)
(Daytona Beach News-Journal)	If you're driving to Miami with $250,000 cash to 'buy clothes', you might want to obey the speed limit. Oh, and those illegal cop lights and sirens? Yeah, not a good idea	(37)
	In other news, you can register a Molotov cocktail	(58)
	Average person gets only 63 minutes of peace and quiet a day. Married guys, divide that by 10 and subtract 6	(155)
	Ike becomes fifth hurricane of the season. Florida, Tina, and Lousiana to be put on alert	(81)
	You would think this would happen more often	(62)
	No cure for cancer, but stem cells are now being used for bigger breasts	(116)
	Man accused of setting sleeping man's pants on fire. Police to question the victim as to motive, but expect that he may not tell the truth	(32)
	Ron Paul will not support McCain, but hasn't yet decided which third-party candidate he'll back. He'll check with the voices in his head and the magic pixie that lives under his bed, then make his decision	(190)
	Man in critical condition after being rear-ended by a sewer vacuum truck. That sucks	(35)
(Some Guy)	Drew almost dies and is pissed no one from CNN came to interview him	(87)
(Carbon County News)	Relentless cops stop at nothing, close another cold case file by finally apprehending teens who streaked through Fourth of July parade. With amusing SFW pic of "the incident"	(32)
	"New Orleans reluctantly lets residents return home"	(55)
	When the laws are copyrighted and purchasing them costs $1556, only the lawyers will know them. (Tag is for the brave soul trying to end this insanity)	(91)
(Some Guy)	Court rules that "deep linking," linking to a page other than a website's main page, is illegal. Uh-oh	(112)
(Expensive crap)	Luxury goods maker Dunhill says no-one is allowed to link to their web site without prior written permission. Click here to read more	(68)
	"I'm a shark protester, I'm a shaaaark protester, EeeeeAAAaaaughhh the hooks, I'm a shark protester"	(66)
(Columbia Tribune)	FEMA instructs shelter to gear up for 3,000 Hurricane Gustav evacuees. Thirteen folks show up, eat dinner and leave	(31)
	Photoshop this thing in the grass	(48)
(Advertising Age)	HR executive accidentally sends out information about upcoming job cuts to the entire company. Oops	(119)
	Historical novel on Muhammad's child bride finds new publisher after Random House pulls out to avoid bothering Muslim sensibilities. In next week's news today, offices of new publisher burned to the ground by angry Muslims	(199)
	"Peanuts" animator Bill Melendez dies. Charlie Brown inconsolable, seeks good grief counselor	(44)
	Man commits assault with a lawn chair when told to get a job. Didn't seem to really care about the haircut comment, however	(32)
	Two men killed by bridge, the only known predator of drunk guys standing on their seats on top of a double-decker bus	(71)
	An insightful, well-balanced and intelligent review of Fred Thompson's speech at the RNC	(217)
	Good news: The city of the future will be self sufficient and carbon neutral with power being supplied by wind turbines. Bad news: It's enclosed and you have to share it with a million other people	(137)
	Old and busted: Dead hookers in your trunk. New hotness: Feeding the bodies of your drug-trafficking enemies to your caimans	(45)
	Man wins contest by gulping 11.5 pounds of chili, inadvertently gets a government subsidy as an alternative natural gas provider	(32)
	You might want to call the cops if your boyfriend sneaks into your room dressed in black, wearing gloves, carrying a nylon ropes and hands you a pair of earplugs	(44)
	Kwame kwitting	(123)
	Captain Tiffany Bilderback says Private Track Palin "is probably going to get teased a lot, they will say 'dude your sister is hot' and things like that"	(158)
	Live mics catch Republican talking heads admitting The Race Is Over	(1025)
(Rutland Herald)	Stinging caterpillar, you say? Please.. In Vermont our bugs cause four-car crashes	(22)
	Austin-area high school is paying for its students to study. Stupid tag is filling in for Sad which is studying at the library	(40)
	Cat takes a 70 mile ride under the car, demands ride home, tuna	(29)
	"World's most modified man" gradually turning himself into a cat. Yeah, there are pics, but be warned	(176)
	Your gas station restroom is out of toilet paper? That's a whoopin'	(48)
(GMA News)	A 73-year old widow in Manila, Philippines was hypnotized and robbed in the street by a short woman who pretended to be lost. Baffled local police are on the lookout for a small medium at large	(180)
(Some Guy)	Having played Grand Theft Auto helps girl rescue her family from crashed vehicle	(121)
	UK rail companies propose turning off engines when going downhill to save fuel. Airlines said to be considering similar measures	(46)
	Cross-dressing purse-snatcher loses fake breast during crime	(50)
	Avalanche of peanuts, pile of coffins, crate of food dropped from an airplane - some of the world's most bizarre deaths. Bonus, not a slideshow	(106)
	If you want to pay respect to the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr., putting his face on garbage bags is probably not the best way to go	(104)
	"Edgy" sex-ed videos that look like bad Electric Company sketches are sparking more pointless debate. Still no cure for abstinence-only education-related pregnancies	(122)
	The few sections of German highways that actually have speed limits apply to everyone, even skateboarders	(61)
	"Unfortunate typo" in phone number on U.S. waterfowl stamp rings sex line instead. Lick it and stick it	(54)
	20 example's of grammer misuse	(452)
	Message on Facebook that police don't mind: "Hey gurl, I miss U." Message on Facebook that'll get your stupid 16-year-old arse arrested: "Stay home from school today, I'm going to kill everyone"	(56)
(Some Guy)	Battle Creek, Michigan couple has a deal for you: buy a dollhouse-scale model of their house for $169,000 and they'll throw in the full-size version free	(86)
	Heard of 3D printers? How about 3D concrete printers?	(102)
	After her son gets scurvy from a diet of little but chicken wings and beer, a mom writes a how-to book for coddled little snowflakes entering adulthood. Bonus: Includes helpful instructions on boiling water, and how to properly wipe your ass	(254)
	Abu Ghraib set to re-open and include a museum of prison atrocities under Saddam. Satar Jabar unavailable for comment	(60)
(Some Guy)	If getting drunk and naked inside your neighbor's vacant home is wrong, I don't want to be right	(28)
	Didgeridoo? More like didgeridon't, amirite?	(64)
	Video of Sarah Palin talking to her church about our divine mission to invade Iraq, the need for Jesus, the gift of prophecy	(1534)
	♫ Oh where... ♫ Oh where... ♫ has my eight-foot mechanical ape gone ♫ Oh where... ♫ Oh where can it beeeeeee.... ♫	(44)
	Evidence of stinging caterpillar found in Maryland. EVERYBODY PANIC	(74)
(Some Guy)	Yet another sign that times are tough: Santa has been busted in Edmonton after stealing fuel	(28)
	With no hurricane exposure or election news, our friends in the Great White North turn to provocative articles covering the art of cleaning wine glasses	(38)
	Good news for the Republican party: Sarah Palin is getting 10 times more Google searches than Joe Biden. To be fair, no one is searching for "Joe Biden bikini" or "Hot photos" though	(386)
	Having solved all other problems, Fort Collins, CO votes to allow backyard chickens but no cocks	(50)
	Three if by air? Without thinking their cunning plan through, Boston to mandate that owners of the city's tallest buildings douse their lights at night	(113)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Woman buys laptop, leaves it in plain view in her Lexus and has it stolen. Still not news: Blames it on the store. Fark.com: Her 10-year-old thought they should hide it	(271)
(Some French fry)	Photoshop this hungry beast	(77)
(Telegraph and Argus)	UFO described as "massive fireball half the size of an airplane" (irrefutable pic)	(159)
(Heritage Foundation)	All Congress has to do to allow the resumption of off-shore oil drilling is sit on its hands and do nothing. The moratorium expires September 30 unless Congress acts to renew it	(261)
	Study shows that states with a lot of UFO sightings also have a lot of Bigfoot sightings. Obviously, the aliens are looking for Bigfoot too	(49)
	Stalin was perfectly justified in jailing and killing millions of his countrymen, says new Russian textbook for students attending the State School for Future Murderous Dictators	(147)
	Tropical storm Hanna expected to move over the Bahamas. Thousands of confused Bahamanian teens gather in anticipation	(62)
	This is the automotive equivalent of having "I'm an asshat" tattooed on your forehead	(389)
	Scottish woman seeks world's hottest curry; devours garam masala containing five Dorset Naga chilis; asks for more	(104)
	New study shows children who exercise are not as fat. Researchers who read past studies not as lazy	(36)
	The Atkins Diet is back, and this time you can eat bread and pasta before slipping into a state of ketosis	(83)
	Taxpayers, get out your checkbooks: U.S. to give $1 billion to rebuild Georgia	(190)
	Palin's husband has a goatee. Is he an evil mastermind from an alternate universe?	(169)
	Man swallows cocaine baggies in attempt to avoid jail-time for violating probation. Well, it worked	(40)
	City employee places "whites only" sign on water fountain as part of practical joke. Hilarity does not ensue	(167)
	Palin is getting advice for her address to Republicans tonight. "Don't say 'pregnant' or 'secede' or 'trooper' or.... You know what, how about you just stand there and not talk?"	(625)
	"Why pre-packed salads could poison you." It's not news, it's the Daily Wail	(40)
(PennLive)	Speedgoat nears Appalachian Trail record. Speedgoat speedgoat speedgoat	(59)
	Firefly populations have dropped 70 percent in the last three years	(162)
	Sports leagues ban names on jerseys to protect kids from sexual predators	(125)
	Education minister finally admits defeat in the battle against the English language. You'll never guess where	(93)
	Homeland Security uses Wikipedia to validate travel documents. For some reason, the courts have a problem with this	(54)
	Want to take that trip to Hawaii but don't want to pay through the nose for airline tickets? You could try rowing there, like this woman did	(48)
(Everett Herald Net)	Guy charged with playing with himself at drive-thru espresso stands tells officer, "Thank you for catching me. I need to stop and I can't do it alone"	(74)
	Man sacked for driving hearse recklessly. Apparently, the four sleeping passengers hadn't complained	(14)
(Some Guy)	Drunk woman fighting with her husband writes "Call 911.... Please help me. Husband has a gun" in lipstick on the post office's glass door, goes home, passes out	(22)
	Reason No. 6,713 why New York City is better than your city: Invisible skyscrapers	(102)
	This just in from wedding correspondent Ric Romero: Most newlyweds hate their gifts of burbling tabletop fountains and fondue sets and would prefer a liquor store gift card instead	(83)
(KBTX)	Today's "hangman noose in the workplace" story brought to you by Caldwell, Texas	(108)
(Idaho Statesman)	With nothing else going on in the world, newspaper covers 80s glam rockers Poison leaving a $25 tip for a waitress in Boise	(127)
	Now that certain words -- like the other word for donkey -- must be filtered on the Internet: President Abraham Lincoln was buttbuttinated by an armed buttailant after a life devoted to the reform of the U.S. consbreastution	(215)

Tue September 02, 2008

	"Masterpiece Theatre" host Alistair Cooke's body may have been sold for spare parts, as authorities bust two brothers for selling 244 corpses on the black market	(76)
	Sudden death after arrest may be new syndrome. Cops will still sprinkle some crack on you just to cover their asses though	(79)
	US urges Russian authorities to investigate journalist's death in Ingushetia. State Department promises to assist in investigation as soon as they're able to locate Ingushetia on map	(53)
	Shooting rampage on I-5, 6 confirmed dead	(232)
	Municipal sanitation workers refuse to pick up split garbage bag that fell in a creek because none of them "were qualified to wear wellington boots."	(44)
	Tennis coach arrested for trying to get his students seeded	(45)
	Young mother thrown out of employment office for bottle-feeding infant; presumably breast-feeding it would have earned her prison time	(80)
	'Just joking' usually doesn't work when you're busted for solicitation. Especially when you're a sheriff's deputy	(31)
(PhillyBurbs)	The latest powder to have enough "street value" to be stolen and resold by crime rings is... baby formula	(109)
	The National Cancer Institute has made a handy colorful graph to show you how you'll probably die	(74)
	This year's high heel sprint organized in Australia. Previous two time world champion Elliot Offen was not in attendance	(43)
(Some Guy)	Man breaks into home to make himself a pot of coffee and "to dry off and rest"	(22)
(Some Guy)	Contrary to Fark headlines, Montgomery Alabama welcomes Gustav refugees	(25)
	Brewer who markets "Legal Weed" beer has won in court after being accused of thought crimes for marketing beer bottlecaps that said "Try our Legal Weed." Fark: It's the name of his town	(119)
	Not News: Man arrested after a brief car chase. News: He was driving 115 mph. FARK.com: In a Volkswagen Beetle	(142)
	Hot item for thieves: Beer kegs, preferably empty	(36)
	Cops to begin testing a new and highly advanced siren technology, better known as a subwoofer	(50)
	Not News: Rich uncle forces family members to attend his lavish birthday party every year. News: He pays their airfare, hotel and all expenses. Fark: He's dead, and they have to show up to inherit the fortune	(75)
	Intrade market now estimates a 12% chance for Palin to be withdrawn before election. Speculation would be higher but it's obvious that Palins don't know much about early withdrawal	(454)
(Some Goldmember)	Court rules that Cleveland business must pay its rent in GOOOOOOOOLD	(96)
	Frak: this word is made from 50% naughty word, 50% great TV show, 50% fandom. That is 150% mother fraker	(173)
	"When John Edwards's and Jesse Jackson's 'troubles' came to light, nobody asked about proper birth-control techniques. Those questions are reserved for the teenage daughters of female conservative candidates"	(498)
(WTVF Nashville)	News: Vanderbilt Hospital goes smoke free. Fark: You could smoke at Vanderbilt Hospital up until today	(43)
	McCain's campaign has officially pulled out the "sexism" card in response to damn near everyone's questions about Sarah Palin	(343)
	Egyptian lawmaker arrested for allegedly offering somebody $2-million to behead the winner of an American Idol-style show in Lebanon	(36)
(WHO-TV 13)	Apparently deaths due to lousy driving can now be blamed on a hurricane	(20)
	Drudge gets 20 million page views per day, beating the NY Times and most other news sites. Which is the same amount of views Fark gets per day when matching his absurd auto-refresh rate	(73)
	Conservative Islamic lawmaker defends teenage honor killings as "centuries old tradition". Bonus, familiar-sounding quote: "only those who indulge in immoral acts should be afraid."	(213)
	James Dobson of Focus on the Family approves of unmarried teen pregnancy, as long as it's a white Republican unmarried teen	(299)
(Some Guy)	How do you get Sarah Palin out of the news? Give Phil Gramm a microphone	(141)
	CNN roundup of Gustav news coverage, video clips include Geraldo's wind meter, reckless levee climbing and discovery of a "stranded" victim	(64)
	Hundreds of Ron Paul supporters rally in Minneapolis to endorse their hero, in the largest collection of nerds, dorks and misfits since Buck RogersCon of 1994 when Erin Gray showed up	(310)
	In a rare moment of compassion, United's plan to stop serving hot meals on international flights and to instead throw a $9 sandwich down your throat has been axed, after several "feedbacks" were received	(120)
	Minnesota pleads with national press to cover RNC: "Hey, media: We've been planning this party for two years. Could you at least stay till dessert? We've already confiscated many buckets of urine. Come back. Please?"	(146)
	Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this. In a world where Don LaFontaine has died, Jerry Reed is 10-4	(202)
	Court says Palestinian Authority must pay family of American terror victim $116 million. Palestinians say no problem, they can pick up their check at the next Israel-Palestinian peace celebration	(85)
	Since no one's paying attention to the GOP convention, Dave Barry sneaks out on the floor and nominates himself. With photo goodness	(94)
	American Airlines flight circling LAX with blown tire as passengers scurry to pay the $8 No Dying In An Explosion fee	(121)
(KFBK)	Pro marriage group switches natural gas providers because current gas is too gay	(146)
	Major Gustav damage in cajun areas outside New Orleans, dealing major blow to zydeco music industry	(60)
	World's most dangerous festival includes revelers hurling fireballs at each other. With truly frightening pic	(134)
	You're unhappy with the loud nightclub next to your apartment. Do you: A) Talk to the manager? B) Talk to police? Or C) Secretly pee onto the club's glass roof every night?	(157)
	The search for an escaped lion was called off today after the animal on the loose turned out to be a big dog	(45)
(Australian News)	"Dear mom and dad: Sorry I said 'Fark you' while on the playground. Teacher is making me do this. Signed, your six-year-old son"	(179)
	Red-white-and-blue-striped dogs, old white people waving flags and the other pomp and circumstance of the Republican National Convention that nobody saw because the media was too busy covering a storm that didn't live up to the hype	(326)
	After trying its hardest to protect the Olympics from the web, NBC finally putting new stuff online before it hits TV. Too bad it's "Chuck"	(116)
(Red Bull)	Smurfs and flying bartenders? Flugtag is in Chicago this weekend (Sponsored Link)	(49)
	Mississippi Emergency Management Operations Command Center was so confident that Gustav wouldn't hit them, that they decided to watch the U.S. Open instead	(50)
	New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin tells evacuees they can't return because the cops haven't finished looting their homes yet	(188)
	Why do TV reporters feel compelled to cover weather by standing in it? "No one covers a house fire by rushing into the burning building, or reports on a war by doing stand-ups in the middle of a tank battle"	(141)
	Parents: Do your kids have new nicknames? Then they must be in a gang	(89)
	Even if you do not agree with the police officer writing you a ticket, you should save your grievances for later. You will get your chance to vindicate yourself properly: By mooning oncoming traffic	(12)
	Drunk couple crashes their car into a power pole, then decides that it would be fun to take a swim in crocodile-infested waters	(37)
(The Weekly Vice)	Couple frantically calls police to come see their 100 pot plant growing operation	(62)
	Holding an atomic gun to the world's head: North Korea needs half a billion dollars in food aid to avoid famine. Again	(141)
	Turns out there's a pretty cool use for those old obsolete typewriters after all (pics)	(69)
	DALLAS-FORT WORTH FARKERS: Party. Sept 12th at the Dubliner. Yes, in Dallas	(109)
	Levi Johnson, Bristol Palin's fiance -- by his own admission a farking redneck who doesn't want kids or farkers. "Ya fark with me I'll kick your ass"	(1231)
	The myth that Hillary Clinton supporters will flock to vote for any woman has been debunked	(326)
(M.E.N)	If your bachelor party didn't involve trashing a 13th-century hotel & being found dangling out a window by the police, you are not ready for Fark.com	(31)
	You're an undercover officer on a sensitive investigation. Do you: A) Keep a low profile? B) Avoid communication with family? Or C) Post graphic naked pictures of yourself soliciting for sex online?	(34)
	♫ Bangkok, Oriental setting ♫ And the city's set up for a little bloodletting ♫ Army puts down a coup attempt in a ♫ Civil war that won't have a winner ♫	(73)
	Farker Dashiki is walking a 5K to support a friend with breast cancer. Help me help my friend and I promise I will allow you to photoshop me wearing a pink shirt	(89)
(Some Guy)	Cat stuck in maple tree since last Wednesday. Hey, would you want to come down either if you lived in Camden County, NJ?	(50)
(Harrisburg Patriot-News)	Police in Pennsylvania are on the lookout for drivers who are DUIX, driving under the influence of Xanax. Don't be DUIX. Drive sober	(58)
(M.E.N)	They pull a knife, you pull a metal detector -- that's the Manchester way	(51)
(NewsLite)	Cathedral bosses in the UK are opening a chain of religious wine bars. Bishop overheard asking "Anyone know how Jesus did that water trick?"	(20)
	State of Maine thanks Labor Day visitors by having Miles the Moose and D. Claude Lobster hand out magnets to the thousands stuck in holiday traffic. Mongo the Mosquito and N. Bred Redneck were apparently unavailable to assist	(39)
	Woman who crashed her car into a tree: "Please help." Punkass at the scene: "Help myself to your cash? Okay"	(22)
(The Weekly Vice)	School attendance clerk sees all the female teachers and coaches having sex with students and decides jump into the fray herself	(47)
(Some Guy)	256 people arrested at Republican convention, only stopped arresting because of their 8-bit computers	(314)
	Google's open-source Chrome browser drops today. Odds on Google enslaving humanity by 2015 improve to 1:4	(325)
(Some Guy)	Stop leaving the keys in your cop car when you have a person cuffed in the back, especially if you don't have a partition, because they will climb into the front and take your cruiser	(10)
	Shockingly, Indian authorities seem to be using the caste system to determine who gets rescued first from recent floods. As opposed to America, where we simply check your W-2	(131)
	Christians protest against erection of Christ statue	(188)
(Some Guy)	The summer of 2008 will go down as the summer aliens (almost) invaded the UK	(86)
	Skydiver loses consciousness and falls 4,500 feet, suffers only minor bruises, should probably play the lottery very soon	(73)
	♫ I'm a shark ♫ I'm a shark ♫ I'm in Wales ♫ I'M A SHAAAAAAAAAAAAARK	(85)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this soothing soak	(41)
(Some Guy)	Seven years after he died, "Mr. Rogers" is getting evicted from the PBS neighborhood	(122)
	From the "We're Doing It Wrong in the U.S." Department: Brazil's President Lula suspends entire leadership of Brazil's intelligence agency over phone taps	(127)
	Computer nerd reprograms girlfriend's video game to propose to her. Fark: The wedding cake was shaped like a video game console	(172)
	Recession can be good for your health. Well, not you specifically. Just society as a whole	(57)

Mon September 01, 2008

(Some Guy)	In a world...one man...will be greatly missed. Don LaFontaine dead at 68	(363)
	Jerry Lewis telethon raises record $65 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association in one day, on pace to overtake The Dark Knight, Titanic	(132)
(Some Guy)	Is our children learned? Three quarters of ACT test takers lack basic math, science and reading needed for entry level college classes	(194)
	Nigerian man ordered to divorce 82 wives. Promises generous alimony payments upon receipt of ex-wives' bank information, business letterhead, telephone and fax numbers	(31)
(Some Guy)	Latest Metrosexual trend: grooming the manbrow. (with "not that there's anything wrong with that" pics)	(206)
	One couple decides to approach their marriage in a realistic way by getting married at a funeral home	(23)
	I, for one, welcome our new killer wasp overlords: "'I had an exterminator out three times. The first two guys were actually afraid of them. These guys were running from them. It was pretty comical"	(149)
(Some Guy)	PA man's beer memorabilia collection covers every inch of his house. Bonus: his wife approves (with crazy collection pics)	(34)
	Old and busted: Floods surrounding your Florida home. New hotness: giant buzzards surrounding your Florida home	(27)
	"I know, let's put food on a sharpened stick and sell it to children"	(223)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this movie still from Midnight Meat Train	(97)
(Times Herald Record)	"Fallsburg police say Joseph Korda, 43, of Mountaindale, kicked open the door of the home early Sunday and then licked the victim's ear while she was sleeping"	(49)
(East Liverpool Review)	Poverty Festival queen crowned in East Liverpool, Ohio. "I'm just happy we still have people willing to come and participate"	(103)
	What happens when an employee of the Department of Homeland Security steals your $350 postal money order?	(145)
(news daily)	Dalai Lama leaves hospital, tells doctors "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."	(63)
(Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)	If you live in Western PA and UPS has lost your package deliveries, it may be because the local UPS director of security is busy tracking the 100 UFO sightings in the state since June	(66)
	In an effort to curb drunk driving, Edmonton officials now forcing cabbies to increase their fares between 11pm and 4am	(53)
(Franklin Avenue)	LAPD busts the "UPN", the only tagging crew to do a million dollars in damage utilizing a defunct lame-ass network logo	(76)
	If you are in Plaquemines Parish , GTFO. The levee is about to go	(175)
	Forget bomb- and drug-sniffing dogs; all the cool kids want a dog that can sniff out pirate DVDs. With cute Magruff photo	(44)
	Among those who stayed in New Orleans is one Hattie Callan, who is quite obviously a Farkette (see middle of story)	(161)
(StormTrack)	Tropical Depression Nine -- Ike? -- forms in the Atlantic. Better cancel that trip to the Bahamas	(101)
	First post-DNC and Palin selection poll shows the Secret Muslim ticket leading the Babygate ticket by 3%	(595)
	Fisherman attacked by shark after he hauled it into his boat to have a photo taken with it: "I was taking a hook out of its mouth. What was it going to do, kiss me?	(34)
	For a shrimp boat captain in New Orleans, 100mph winds are barely reason to be awake, and only causes a problem when he can't grill his steaks	(59)
	"A foie gras poutine served at a festival in the central Quebec town of Drummondville confirms the dish's place in the world of haute cuisine"	(85)
	Professor seeks to get 'Catcher In The Rye' taken off high school reading lists. Not because of profanity, but because it's not contemporary enough for young people to relate to anymore	(293)
	Shock, horror - strawberry jam is more regulated than cigarettes - can someone please check the additives in my cancer sticks?	(44)
(Some Ashevillian)	If you're going to jump from a 70' waterfall, make sure the water at the base is more than 6' deep	(75)
(Some Guy)	Teen discovers egging people's cars is not always what it's cracked up to be. Also, eggs are no match for a gun	(144)
	Japan releases findings of whale research: whales are shedding blubber, usually with help of Japanese scientists with big knives	(28)
	And, on this beautiful horse drawn wedding carriage, I now pronounce you man and [giddy up] wiiiiiiiiiiiiAAAAAAUUUGHHH	(24)
	Dutch withdraw their spy from Iran ahead of "impending U.S. attack." In related news, the swamp Germans have spies	(135)
	Photoshop this admirer of unnatural history	(45)
	Eating in darkness, autopsy sushi and hobbit servers: The world's weirdest theme restaurants	(50)
	Bristol Palin pregnant with second child	(3253)
	Japanese Prime Minister resigns, citing 29% approval and weakening economy. You know what other current leader has a 29% approval rating and weakening economy?	(119)
	LAPD discover they've had a serial killer on their hands... for 23 years. Better late than never	(69)
	Self-help guide that tells women to stay thin and follow their man's orders if they want to keep him has become a bestseller	(271)
	Having an argument with a guy, and he has a hatchet and you don't? Man, just let him win	(31)
(NewsLite)	British schools to give children lessons in how to play and have fun. Really	(47)
(Indy Channel)	Police investigate death of man last seen riding on the hood of an Alero going 60 MPH, hitting the windshield with a hammer	(33)
	You could understand that a church minister might not be entirely au fait with threesome etiquette, but not kicking your wife in the genitals seems to be a reasonably obvious rule	(40)
(Some hungry guy)	Man tries to get out of DUI by bribing officer with ... sandwiches?	(39)
	Josh Hartnett, in the library, with a sex tape. Worst game of Clue ever	(47)
	Not news: medical history needed before a procedure can begin. Fark: the procedure in question is a manicure	(20)
	From the stupid criminal files - if you're trying to commit insurance fraud, make sure you wipe your fingerprints from your own death certificate	(15)
	FEMA: Levees likely to be overtopped. Rest of the nation: Uh, can we get a refund or something?	(328)
	Putin saves a TV crew from a tiger. Offers to save McCain from that Alaskan cougar that's been following him for a few days	(117)
(Some Guy)	What is this superhero wondering?	(140)
	Photoshop theme: Campaign propaganda if Drew Curtis ran for President	(59)
(Some Swede)	Oh, what a lovely dress. And a steal at only 200 Kronor. And...DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THAT HANGING BETWEEN HER LEGS?	(239)
	If you discover your friend's son has built 32 high-explosive seal bombs, give your local sheriff's office some warning before bringing them in. Because police tend to get jumpy when you just drop them off at the front desk	(75)
	"Pop Tarts" the top grocery item in hurricanes, just behind free Heineken	(127)
	Another Russian journalist critical of the Russian government dies of severe sudden bullet infection	(135)
(Some Guy)	Columnist asks women what they would do if they had a penis for a day. First answer: "I'd slap it on counters and stuff"	(563)
(Some Guy)	"Three drunk guys and a hurricane" brought to you live from the center of Gustav's path (link updated since the three drunk dudes apparently went to bed)	(211)