Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-08-31 23:59:59'

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Sun August 31, 2008

	Photoshop this Shell-stocked serviceman	(37)
	Actual Headline: "Difference between men and women? About 100,000 years of evolution"	(285)
	Not news: man picks up prostitute. News: prostitute is actually an undercover police officer. Fark: man gets arrested after offering her two pennies for sex	(57)
	Never fear, New Orleans. Blackwater stands ready to defend your city from yourselves	(300)
	UK schools spend £3,000 on text-speak posters in schools. Like "f NEfin maks u feel (:+( or uncomfortable on9 tel a responsible XXX str8 awy. Don't B fraid Ull gt N2 strife"	(102)
	By some miracle your drunken butt manages to survive 27,500 volts from arcing overhead wires when you try to break into a parked train. Do you: c), sue Amtrak for not hiring a nanny patrol to save you from yourself? Tag is for Darwin missing	(82)
	Zimbabwe has the perfect idea to solve their health care crisis: urge people not to get sick in the first place	(94)
	Those of you who remember leaded gasoline may not have those memories much longer	(114)
	Eight animals with real superpowers. Conspicuously absent: That very special cat that knows when you're going to die (slightly not safe for work language)	(97)
	When stealing bags of rice make sure there isn't a hole in any of them. That might leave a trail or something	(56)
	Truck burglar caught in the act by its owners, hides in portable toilet with obvious results	(59)
	NASA studies space shuttles' ability to generate spectacular explosions beyond planned 2010 retirement date	(94)
	If you lost a 60-mile canal network in Lincolnshire 500 years ago, good news	(54)
	Sucky economy has an upside: Americans are producing less trash. Well, maybe not in Hollywood, which is still out of ideas, but everywhere else	(63)
	Norfolk police told to lose designer stubble, get off their mobiles. lose facial piercings and get their hands out of their pockets. No mention of actually catching criminals	(34)
	Parents bring their kids to DragonCon: "I can imagine this has warped her for life"	(178)
	Dalai Lama's reincarnation postponed	(39)
	If there were an Oscar for sermons, Seagears would be a contender. There's his "Dark Knight" performance, when he roared up to the pulpit astride a Suzuki motorcycle, dressed like Batman	(30)
(Some Gustav Evacuee)	Alabama governor: No, evacuees can't come into Alabama. Not yours	(263)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this "lights on, nobody home" scene	(56)
	Willy Wonka creator did the nasty with every woman in the USA, as long as she was worth more than $50,000 a year	(74)
	Russia shows their support for an independent South Ossetia by absorbing it into their country	(137)
(Sunday Mail)	Bulgaria: come for the gun battle in your hotel, stay for the porno being filmed in the foyer	(47)
(Some Trapper)	Trooper shot in canoe-to-canoe struggle. With a muzzleloader. It's not FARK, it's 1798	(22)
	Experiment shows that turning kids into Nazis is actually pretty easy	(188)
	Guy has been building his retirement medieval castle home by himself on weekends, brick by brick, for past twenty years, and is still only half-done. "Things look so much nicer with a castle"	(66)
	Ric Romero reveals that airlines are now charging baggage fees	(55)
	And the award for the stupid criminal of the day goes to	(24)
(chortle.co.uk)	Inventor of "Mornington Crescent" now permanently out of kilter	(59)
	Some New Orleans residents can't, won't leave. This is not a repeat... oh hell, yes it is	(425)
(Weather Underground)	Storm Surge Prediction: Forget New Orleans, Baton Rouge is going to be underwater	(94)
	And now, a brief word from the folks who will voluntarily be staying in New Orleans as Gustav nears. You have to admire their courage, if not their intelligence	(137)
	Woman doesn't receive electric bill for eight months, decides not to worry about it. Hilarity ensues	(64)
	Dust storm chases hundreds of filthy hippies away from Burning Man festival, marking first time hippies have fled from dirt	(67)
	Children's author claims that putting kids into childcare is "abuse"	(191)
	Skydivers jump into wrong stadium, find Duke sucks	(24)
(Modesto Bee)	I'll have a moon over my hammy, and a sharper knife, please	(33)
	The disturbing origins of five common nursery rhymes	(63)
	Doctors manage to stop a seven-foot tall twelve-year old from growing even taller, effectively ruining his lucrative future NBA career	(57)
	Fruit bats in Australia may be using biological warfare against humans	(71)
(Some Guy)	Men sail from California to Honolulu on a raft made from plastice soda bottles and the remains of a Cessna. Certainly, that's an inventive way to show off your junk	(41)
(Some skater d00d)	Photoshop this rollerskating guy	(46)
(Some Guy)	Actual headline: "Same-sex school balls a tough topic"	(43)
	Career aimlessness, beer and porn culture define "Guyland." The author makes it sound like a bad thing	(287)
(Steve Shofield)	Most awesome photo gallery - detailing Brits' obsession with all-things American, including Star Trek fandom and Redneck lore	(109)
	If police catch you at a checkpoint and you blow three times the legal limit, but they let your friend take you home, don't get caught at another checkpoint the same night driving at four times over	(34)

Sat August 30, 2008

	Woman meets man who says he's a vampire, promptly invites him to stay on her property. Then invites him in. Somehow, this ends badly	(93)
	One in three people found to turn to booze to relieve stress, raising the question: what the hell do you other two do? And why are you here on Fark?	(140)
	Fat cops being banned from driving police cars in case they break them with their enormous cop asses	(61)
	Lesson One In Bank Robbery School - don't leave your car keys in the teller window. Lesson Two - don't write the bank robbery note on the back of one of your own checks	(33)
(some floridian)	Husband encourages wife to enter hot body contest. Her prize - a punch in the face from her husband	(88)
	Emergency room closed after several people show up with blue skin	(137)
	Congregation dismayed to discover that all of the money they raised for their pastor's brave battle against terminal cancer actually funded his porn addiction	(91)
	Gustav predicted to become a Category 5 hurricane. New Orleans authorities evacuate residents, pants	(601)
	With 36 hours still to go before landfall, the local government in NOLA is already starting to screw stuff up	(178)
(Fordaq)	Scientists find a way to turn sawdust into biofuel. Announce that with a steady supply of porn suitable for Pinnochio, they could light up Manhattan for a week	(36)
(The Star)	"At press time, the nut was still firmly attached to the base of the man's genitals"	(84)
(Some Porsche)	You can put a Porsche in your driveway. Or in any another photo. Certainly Farkers would only use this site for its intended purpose, right? VE	(157)
	Old and busted: happy endings. New hotness: happy endings	(46)
(KITV/CNN)	Blowing a 0.18 during a DWI stop is bad enough, but it takes special breed of idiot to be able to do it before the end of his shift as a bus driver	(25)
	Doubleplusgood. Bush quietly seeks to keep war powers permanent by declaring an indefinite state of war	(249)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fortune teller	(79)
	Cow gets head stuck in washing machine. The Sun is there to wring out the details. w/pic	(35)
	40-year old woman has sex with 16-year old boy, is sentenced to jail after court finds her not attractive enough for probation	(162)
	Monster Gustav is already a Category 4 Hurricane, with 145 mph winds. And it's not even in the gulf yet	(556)
(Some Guy)	And the prank of the year goes to Officer Shenanigans, who stole five police radios and broadcasted hits like "I need donuts" and "CODE RED CODE RED"	(85)
	Good: Magazine includes apple cake recipe. Bad: Magazine gets ingredient wrong. Fark: ingredient is poisonous and makes four people sick	(105)
	Decathlon champ says Phelps is a poor little girly-man, alone in his girly-house	(283)
	Girl playing hide and seek finds a baby "hiding" in the bushes	(99)
	In another example of way over-thinking something, the Oregon Parks and Recreation Department will spend a year deciding if dogs and cats should be allowed in campground yurts and cabins	(65)
	What happens when two mega Christian rock festivals are booked on same day, just miles apart? Holy war	(179)
(Some Guy)	Headstone makers consider adding, "They were filming the footage for YouTube" to their list of common tombstone phrases because of people like this	(83)
	Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war - in this case, Christian soldiers being about ten thousand plus members of "Joel's Army" with a divine mandate to physically impose Christian dominion on non-believers	(545)
	Indianapolis Fark Party--Saturday August 30th. Book signing with Drew and Joe Peacock at 4pm, beer after. LGT signing info	(131)
	After 30 years, Egyptian man finally allowed to convert to a religion other than Islam. Fark: Judge says the case is unusual because "monotheistic religions were sent by God in chronological order"	(102)
	News: Georgian military commander tells of his surprise at the Russian response to events in South Ossetia. Fark: His name is Major Dumbatze	(62)
	Man pays his attacker $30 to stop stabbing him	(46)
	'Bling Bandit' busted when surveillance video shows his fancy ring closely resembles those given to retiring police detectives. Ooops	(21)
(WYFF4.com)	Man robs store of a laptop using only a toothbrush	(28)
	There are drunken blackouts, then there are Drunken Blackouts	(27)
	"Get your bikini, hooka and your RV, honey. We be going to RONSTOCK 2008"	(136)
	Today's Father of the Year candidate busted for getting his 15-year-old son the best present ever	(94)
	Russian and US jets in near miss incident. Maverick smirks, Goose unavailable for comment	(50)
(Something Strange)	Doctors claim metal wire grows inside woman. "At this stage, there were no current medical explanations or any case ever exist. Hence, there is but only one other possible consideration: occult magic"	(103)
(Some Aluminum Guy)	Photoshop this clattering, clanking collection of caliginous junk	(47)
	Sylvester the cat found malnourished after 1,700 km journey to Montreal for Caturday. Je me demande pourquoi il a pas essayer la poutine	(359)
	Now that gay marriage is legal in California the inmates are going to get in on the action	(159)
	Dude's mom calls police when she finds parking meters scattered throughout her house. Her 34-year-old live at home son is now accused of ripping 87 of them out of the ground. Dude now grounded	(64)
	News: Man receives $12,000 fine for speeding on a motorcycle. Fark: article also mentions $8500 fine for a guy in a Chevy Cobalt	(99)
	Divorce at 26-year-low. Unless you're over 60. Then you're kinda screwed in that department too	(55)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Challenge: Improve this classic rock-n-roll album cover	(79)
	Forget the stupid Olympics: the race is on in Scotland to be the fastest haggis eater in the world, and competitors are only allowed to wash it down with beer. The grand prize is a bottle of whisky. Game on	(52)
	Casey Anthony re-arrested because she wasn't smart enough to escape when she was released from prison	(67)
	A German court has banned the driver of an electric wheelchair for being persistently drunk. Referring to his BAC the judge commented, "most people can't even reach such a level -- they fall over beforehand."	(41)
	If you're committed to going to the gym regularly, by the time you're in your middle ages you'll have the fittest body in the rehab ward	(104)
	New Orleans officials have a message for residents choosing not to evacuate: "Son, you're on your own"	(270)
	Amateur computer sleuths have penetrated the activities of al-Qaida and other terror groups more deeply than most intelligence agencies. Cyberpenis	(49)
(ITN)	An eleven-month-old baby in Colombia may be the fattest baby in the world, weighing the same as an average eight-year old	(118)

Fri August 29, 2008

	That candy bar you are eating is probably six months old	(208)
	"Women can't plan their child's birth like a dinner party"	(169)
(Gazette.com)	You're a cop; you pull over a woman who is crying, bleeding, half-naked and who claims she was just raped. You C: Give her a ticket, tell her to slow down, and let her finish driving to the hospital alone	(299)
(Some Guy)	Karaoke - definitely a good reason to show up drunk in court	(35)
(Some Steely Guy)	Photoshop this Bessemer converter	(57)
	10 photographs that changed Canada. Bonus: Includes football in the groin	(159)
	Organ donation: The gift that keeps on giving, and taking away, and giving, and taking away	(48)
	Quebec cheese has evolved, and is now able to kill people without the assistance of fries and gravy	(78)
	French surgical team unveils new technique for fighting brain cancer, destroys tumor on conscious patient with high-precision laser through the skull. Suck it, Skywalker	(80)
	Meat store gives family the finger	(48)
	Turning Guyanese, I think I'm turning Guyanese, I really think so	(25)
	Man decides to surf on motor home, with predictable results	(54)
	Want to know what you're going to be seeing on CNN for the next week? Hours and hours of footage of Anderson Cooper getting blown	(101)
	☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺	(238)
(Some Guy)	I'll huff and you puff and we'll blow the car up	(26)
(Some Guy)	Reason #473,665 why GM sucks: they just recalled one million vehicles . . . because the WINDSHIELD WIPERS CATCH ON FIRE	(150)
	Not news: Man cycles to work. Fark: 180 km every day	(96)
	That's right, it's time for the weekly roundup LGT the hottest arrestee you'll see for the next 26 minutes (#1)	(288)
	New Bishop of Green Bay breaks into song during installment ceremony. No, not "Ave Maria", but rather "Drop Kick Me, Jesus"	(27)
	Blur for jeffness cow within bleach	(97)
(Some Guy)	Chinese man swears to God that he doesn't owe money to a neighbour, gets hit by lightning a minute later. God doesn't like a Fuqing liar	(63)
	Three droogs trying to make up their rassoodocks what to do with the evening settled for some of the ol' ultraviolence. Monks were kicked in the gulliver and guttiwuts, real horrorshow, then off for some Ludwig Van	(156)
(Some Guy)	Grandmother of missing toddler Caylee Anthony suggests DNA evidence of rotting body in trunk belonged to a different body. If you're trying to help your daughter, you're doing it wrong	(249)
	Presenting the John McCain Attack Ad Generator	(140)
	Happy 50th birthday: Top 5 media moments for Wacko Jacko	(97)
	Author says that just because her "memoir" of surviving the Holocaust by living with wolves was total bullshiat, that doesn't mean her publisher shouldn't pay her more than $30 million	(112)
(Vroom! Vroom!)	Photoshop this motorcycle man	(72)
	Man claims to know Zodiac Killer's identity and has zodiac mask, bloody knife and creepy photos to prove it (Video showing off evidence included)	(169)
	Unsettling footage has scientists concerned about the kind of sunshine that covers Europe, fearing that this may have deep implications. Will things ever be the same again?	(612)
	Higher-income Canadians: "Our kids like Kraft Dinner, so let's donate it to food banks, eh?" Lower-income Canadians: "Thanks, but Kraft Dinner sucks, eh?" Americans: "What the Fark is Kraft Dinner?"	(401)
	Three people summoned by police after taking a naked plunge in front of a restaurant full of people. Fark: The people in the restaurant gave each dipper around $150 to cover their fines, genitalia	(37)
	Six reasons Prime Minister Harper should call an election	(246)
(Provincetown Banner)	Author of book critical of police faces 10 years in prison after those same police discover that his good-for-lifetime gun permit has expired	(158)
(www.vpilf.com)	Not News: VPILF.com News: NOT a porn site Fark: Mainstreaming the meme	(480)
	Atlanta zoo reports giant panda is pregnant. Birth, comical sneeze expected soon	(25)
	Best tagline of the newsflash storm: To hammer home the message that 47 year old, first-term senator Obama is too inexperienced to be president, John McCain picks 44 year old first-term governor Sarah Palin as his running mate	(1770)
	Canada's only cowboy hat wearing Member of Parliament won't be running for reelection	(34)
	Rapper DMX pleads guilty to drug charges in Florida, gets time served and will be extradited to Arizona for drug charges there as part of his "50 States, 50 Drug Charges" tour	(38)
	Come for the corndogs, stay for the live neutering	(23)
	More proof beer is good for you: meet the man who missed the Pan Am Flight 103 disaster by minutes because he was drunk	(40)
	Attention disgruntled Hillary voters: John McCain just made things interesting by picking Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate	(3110)
	Man who robbed rail passengers and hid money between buttocks is banned from whole of London	(31)
	If you can't be a Viking, this is a good way to be sent off	(26)
	British culinary delicacies are now available in assorted ice-cream flavors. The haggis is there	(65)
	Dave Barry recounts Obama's 67 yard field goal last night, and other things you need to know about the convention	(171)
	Why do Starbucks' "fun ways to offer value" always include some K-Y Jelly and a tire wrench?	(61)
	You are 55 years old, still living at home and your mother does not have dinner ready on time you A) Threaten to beat and kill your mother. B) Threaten to kill the President. C) Both A and B	(85)
	Driver makes a move on the road that's so absolutely idiotic that the traffic helicopter guy mocks him for almost two minutes	(179)
	McBain, who was rather dense / caught his balls in a barbed-wire fence / spent the night upside down / like a fecking drunk clown / with his sporran dangling in offense	(40)
	Man faces 12-year prison sentence and $24,000 in fines because his 25 beagles and basset hounds won't stop yapping	(102)
	Guardsman convicted of beating Phillies fan into coma gets unique punishment; "Take him to Iraq"	(90)
(wistv.com)	Angry telemarketer calls man back and berates him for hanging up on her (w/video containing audio transcript of call)	(279)
	McCain campaign misuse's apostrophe on product for student's. My friend's, when I was a POW we didn't have punctuation mark's	(154)
	Police in Maine on the lookout for a man that left his burning pants lying, lying on the side of the road. Honest	(29)
(Leamington Spa Courier)	Daffy dog winged to vet after going quackers, swallowing rubber duck. Ernie unimpressed, faces lonely bathtime (with X-ray goodness)	(21)
	Ever wondered what happens to your cancelled checks? Texas bank sells them to cannery as packing material	(57)
(nbc17.com)	♫♫ Praise God From Whom Unleaded Flows..♫♫	(76)
	#1 on the side and don't touch the back, #6 on the top and don't cut it wack, Jack	(43)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: What's under your couch or in the cushions? LGT couch pictures	(58)
	GOP considers delaying convention until after hurricanes Gustav and Barack pass	(196)
(Some Guy)	Vice President Dick Cheney plans to travel to the Republic of Georgia next week and shoot Putin in the face	(85)
	Not News: Explosion rocks Institute, WV. News: It wasn't a meth lab. Scary: It's the Bayer Chemical plant	(135)
	1. Become a college president. 2. Get photographed drinking with your students. 3. Profit	(61)
	Public schools to add new 90-minute test to assess students math skills, in kindergarten	(66)
	David Duchovny enters rehab for sex addiction. Enters, heheheh	(304)
(Some Guy)	Woman mixes pool chemicals in her kitchen with predictable results	(75)
	Thank you for choosing Comcast high speed internet. Now don't use it that much or we'll cancel your service	(369)

Thu August 28, 2008

(Newsjournalonline)	Two geezer former mayors get in fight after primary, activate their LifeAlerts, end up in hospital with chest pains	(21)
	Old and busted: Crazy Cat Lady. New hotness: Crazy Cobra Dude	(33)
	Baby in 30ft fall horror saved by his dirty diaper	(57)
(Some Guy)	Woman sues PA town after being denied permit to open a pole-dancing studio	(73)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this blind pianist	(95)
	Fat cat Prince Chunk not so chunky after all. Only 22 pounds. Another tubby tabby, Shamu, much more of a whale	(76)
(Some Guy)	Emotional pain "hurts more than physical pain", claim scientists who have never taken a hard one to the nads	(270)
	Fake $3 bill with Obama in an Arabic headdress? Check. Openly racist text on said "currency"? Yup. Party chair having no idea how the bills got in the GOP booth ? You betcha	(626)
	Woman spots cancer in a baby through an online photo, informs the mother	(118)
	Women's rights in Iraq - "Hey we can blow people up just as good as men can"	(62)
(Some Guy)	Experts warn that rising sea levels could create millions of "environmental refugees" - in New Orleans' case, possibly as early as Monday	(155)
(Some Guy)	Study indicates car accidents are the leading cause of dropped cell calls	(46)
	The most important rule when throwing a firebomb from a moving car? Make sure it explodes OUTSIDE of the car	(82)
	Shawn Johnson: "It makes my taco pop"	(308)
	The McCain campaign - "Um, that guy who said everyone's got health insurance because they can go to the ER? Yeah, he's totally not an official campaign adviser"	(250)
	Yahoo: McCain has chosen running mate, but isn't saying who. AP: McCain has not yet chosen running mate. Slap fight to ensue	(158)
(Some Guy)	The good news is that wind energy is getting easier to produce. The bad news is that there's nowhere to put it	(94)
	It ain't a Democratic Convention 'til the hippies in giant papier mache puppets show up	(142)
	If you go out to the woods to do some plinkin', try not to fire INTO a National Guard Firing range. Oh, and don't be drinkin' when you do it	(41)
	DNC has first major PR nightmare as J.Lo and Ben Affleck show up, leading to impromptu Gigli reunion	(72)
	Did Wellesley College throw a multimillion dollar painting in the garbage?	(81)
(Stormpulse)	Undeterred by Gustav, tropical storm Hanna looks to open up a second front of doom on the East Coast	(66)
	FBI test results are back. Caylee was in the trunk of her Mom's car and is now presumed dead	(474)
(Roll Call)	Romney's sister gets a visit from the Secret Service, his seven wives are next	(264)
	Russia: Join us in our support of separatist movements in the Caucasus. China: Er, yeah, about that	(53)
(AJC)	Clayton county in Georgia becomes the first US school district to lose accreditation in 40 years. Their is nothing funny about this headline	(171)
	Fewer Japanese women having babies because they don't want to get married to childish Japanese men. Also, babies are expensive, and why bring a child into a world with a looming threat of Godzilla?	(252)
	Proof God hates the GOP: A massive hurricane is going to land on the anniversary of Katrina as Bush takes the RNC stage	(499)
(Some Guy)	Family that keeps dog that killed their cat gets free kittens in compensation. What, are they snacks?	(112)
	If you're going to rob a drug dealer, don't bring a plastic AK-47 to do the job	(103)
(the alligator)	Woman charged with throwing deadly missiles at a car. By missiles, we mean ballistic spaghetti, a surface to air duffle bag, and anti-vehicle dinner plates	(61)
	The Guardian posts the results from their DNC speech drinking game. The people who picked to drink when they heard the word God wound up being the designated drivers	(162)
	Ramming the gates twice in two weeks with a car won't get you into the Playboy Mansion	(52)
	So Pooty was all "Biatch, you made Georgia do it," and the US went, "Uh-UHH, you crazy?" and Pooty went "I seen you was there," and the US was all "Damn, you ARE crazy, I can't talk to your dumb ass."	(257)
	Arguments flare over what to do about cracks in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery, despite the daily-increasing risk of an Unknown Zombie escape	(75)
	If the DC city bus driver manual doesn't cover "no double-parking" and "no shooting guy in the head for complaining about double-parking," maybe it should	(54)
	This just in: Steve Jobs has been eaten by wolves	(220)
(Some Guy)	Albequerque police investigating suspect accused of sodomizing dogs at animal shelter. Milk bone underwear was the first clue	(142)
	Thai courts try to bring peaceful end to armed takeover of Prime Minister's compound, but protesters Phuket up	(47)
(Some Guy)	Man celebrates birthday in best way possible: drunk, swimming naked in river, screaming at himself, spitting on police boat, and then claiming he's Jesus Christ. Judge: "Get a cape next time"	(34)
	13-year-old boy accused of killing neighbor with ballpoint pen. Suspect has write to remain silent	(109)
	Rap group that wrote 'Kill Bill O'Reilly' song don't know what alarms them most - the death threats from his fans, or the fact none of them can write: "They all get about a D-minus in grammar and spelling"	(409)
	Business at Denver strip clubs lackluster during the DNC. Why don't the Democrats support single moms?	(117)
	Hard-hitting CNN report on bad reasons to have sex includes "Losing Weight"	(307)
	HIV is spreading through New York at three times the national rate, which makes for a nice addition to all the herpes	(137)
(Naples News)	Dumbass teen thief claims ignorance of stolen debit card in his pants pocket because the pants weren't his--he just found them in his van. Dumber yet: His spending spree with the card was at McDonalds and 7-11	(49)
	Weather on rollerskates? Not always a great plan. A local tv weatherman tries his hand at roller derby and it goes about as well as you might think. Let the jokes begin	(87)
(CJR)	Columbia Journalism Review numerically breaks down what the media are doing at the DNC: "4,021 are smugly bad-mouthing the convention and its participants. 1,026 are drunk. This is as it should be. "	(66)
	Your girlfriend repeatedly turns down your request for sex. Do you A) punch her B) arm yourself with a machete C) go to a different home and steal speaker equipment D) all of the above	(126)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Wonder Woman into someplace interesting	(85)
	Purdue university professor decides to tell everyone he created cold fusion, effectively solving the world's energy problems. World: "show us" Prof: "uh...."	(108)
(Outdoor Life)	Hottest selling disaster supply item in hurricane-threatened New Orleans? Rifles	(347)
	Looks like Ray Nagin and his legion of incompetents have learned their lesson and are ready for a hurricane this time	(227)
	Europe blighted by -- wait for it -- Nazi Raccoons. With an image that could godwin a thread from space	(191)
	Elderly Swedish lady takes "self check-in" a tad too literally. Hilarity ensues	(47)
(Some Guy)	The coolest map of the impending doom of New Orleans you'll see today	(290)
	Proving that violence is an inherited trait, O.J. Simpson is attacked by his own daughter	(110)
	Chinese police correctly recognize bagpipes as a threat to their country	(50)
	Note to petty robbers: Next time you rob your local gas station, make sure you are not recognized as a regular, don't fill out a Western Union order before the robbery and above all, make sure they do not have your photo ID on file	(23)
	Meet the woman who admits she is in love with giant rabbits	(80)
	64-year-old woman checks out "It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health" from the library and refuses to return it because she says it's "dangerous" to children	(298)
	Today's "Jesus on a ________" is a moth. This... is CNN	(117)
(Lincoln Journal)	West Virginia county holds a disaster drill featuring a disease you can catch from eating roadkill. Bon appetit, Cletus	(49)
	Fat cat Shamu' takes on 44 pound 'Prince Chunk' for fattest cat in same south Jersey animal shelter	(48)
(Some Guy)	List of TV show marathons airing over this Labor Day weekend	(241)
(USGS)	6.1 Earthquake on Vancouver Island, eh	(180)
	Man's marriage proposal triggers UFO alert	(73)
	U.S. economy ....g.....g.....(what's that word?) ....GREW an unexpected 3.3% in the second quarter	(537)
	Western nations warn Russia: "hai, you better change course in this Georgia conflict or......or we'll.....uh, warn you to change course again." Putin: "Yeah, we'll get right on that, LOL"	(149)
	London motorway closed after milk tanker overturns. Trained counselors dispatched to prevent drivers from needlessly shedding tears	(43)
	Far be it from me to suggest that student's literacy standards are slipping, but what the hell are "escape goats"?	(157)
	The DA lost her home to forclosure. The mayor, whom she is prosecuting, can't pay his legal bills. Detroit- where the most fiscally responsible are drug dealers	(136)
	...but I did stab in a Holiday Inn Express last night	(21)
	"In the history of children's programming, has anybody gotten screwed over more than Grover?"	(211)
	Eight to top 10 "happiest places to live in Britain" are in Scotland. Behold the power of whisky where it's considered a breakfast food	(98)
	Swedish sea monster 'caught on film' (with definitive photographic proof)	(132)
	Concerned about Satanic messages when playing Guitar Hero backwards, Christians release Jesus-themed guitar game. Stryper mysteriously absent from playlist	(277)
	Eight teams fueled only by cooking oil are competing in the 2,500-mile "Grease to Greece" road rally from London to Athens	(32)
	The Mumbai City Council resorts to using 42,000 liters of deodorant to overcome the stench from two massive garbage dumps. Anything less would be uncivilized	(34)
(Some Lutrinae Guy)	Photoshop this otter	(56)
	A++ great seller. fast ship, great database of secure bank info, would buy again	(44)
	McCain picks VP. Launches plan to announce via an emerging new technology called "the telegraph"	(353)
	Woman gives birth on flight from Hong Kong to Australia. Passengers assessed $5 obstetrics surcharge	(32)
	Note to self: if you ever decide to take hostages, for God's sake, don't send them on a beer run for you. They ain't coming back	(37)
(Tacoma News Tribune)	Man attempts to siphon gas using electric vacuum	(61)
	Turns out parents really do have favourite children. If you're reading this from their basement, it's safe to say you're not it	(211)
	If you're a guy who enjoys sitting through long traffic jams because of your heated car seat, you never have to buy another condom ever again	(69)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 173: "Panoramics" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(248)

Wed August 27, 2008

	Portland "green" gym to generate its own energy from rooftop solar panels, patrons' exercise bikes and treadmills, and their inexhaustible supply of smug	(109)
	Alcohol found to be linked to assaults. I swear to God, if hic this doesn't get greenlit, I'm gonna punch someone in the face	(47)
(Some Guy)	The crane's to blame, it's mainly in the train	(23)
(Some Guy)	Today on ask Billy Graham: My wife is disabled because of a stroke, some of my friends are telling me I'm crazy not to find a mistress. How can I explain to them that God wants me to be faithful?	(420)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this sky rider	(43)
	Jar of mushrooms leaking onto passenger with mushroom allergy forces Boeing 737 to make emergency landing	(86)
(National Hurricane Center)	It's still too early to buy tickets to Katrina II: Electric Boogaloo, but it appears to be deep into post-production	(264)
	Angry that his in-laws won't leave his home, man does the logical thing and calls the cops then storms upstairs and tears up his wife's new $28 bra	(103)
	Carnegie Mellon professor charged with third DUI in eight days, obviously not a math expert	(57)
(Some Guy)	Dunkan must die. I do not think that they mean that he will be dipped in coffee thou. Hero props to the jury	(185)
	Polise in Arkansaw cant spel wurth shiat	(84)
	Google maps captures a unique proposal	(107)
	'Inconsolable' baby elephant back with mother. AWWWW pics and video included	(52)
(KETV)	Bellevue police said an explosion Wednesday morning in a house on 24th Avenue is suspicious. (Actual headline)	(61)
	Case gets murkier as Deputy fired after lying about relationship with mother who "forgot" to file police report on "missing" child	(53)
	For the first time outside of reel life, a major political party has nominated an African-American for President of the United States of America	(1092)
	All those "Messiah complex" complaints from the right? Turns out they're just concerned because this is the first time the Democratic Party has a candidate people are enthusiastic about	(292)
	Body Farm: Decomposing body was in Casey Anthony's car	(118)
	Not news: Man upset with his bank. News: Changes his telephone password to "Lloyds is pants". Fark: Bank changes it to "no it's not". Ultrafark: He tried "Barclays is better" but the bank said no	(120)
	Cool: Mythbusters take on Apollo Moon landing tonight. Double cool bonus: A TF'er got to help	(336)
(Celebridiot)	Mackenzie Phillips busted for drug possession at LAX. When will washed up celebrities learn that you can buy drugs when you land	(90)
	Baghdad to build giant ferris wheel. Potential names include "The Target"; "Please Bomb Me"; and "Missile Magnet"	(49)
	What can Hillary's body language tell us about how she -really- feels about Obama? It's not news it's CNN. Bonus: The comments are made of win	(115)
	The DNC protest zones in Denver draw exactly the same number of protesters as the ones the Chinese set up for the Olympics, showing how awesome free speech really is	(90)
	ABC producer arrested for following the money falling out of the pockets of VIP donors at private fundraisers around Denver	(131)
	Scientists transform one type of cell into another. Five-assed monkey will be achieved in our lifetimes	(69)
	Will Bubba steal the show? Will Biden rip off another speech? It's day 3 of the Democratic National Convention Discussion Thread	(1036)
	FBI implements chinese democracy on blogger for prematurely unleashing the atrocities of GnR	(151)
	Carmen Electra wrestles Kim Kardashian in new spoof, 'Disaster Movie'; says, "We get into some down and dirty positons... Kim is so cool, not to mention being hot." Translated: "Go see my new movie."	(259)
	If your mom posts your $100K cash bail, then you get arrested again, you'd better get her a damn nice Mother's Day card	(72)
	Fark's favorite motivational speaker charged with shooting at people after a night of drinking. Patrick Swayze unimpressed	(85)
	Turns out Daddy Yankee tried to endorse Obama first, but was told his music sucks and to fark off	(140)
	Having problems getting around that pesky 4th amendment? Reclassify your police officers as "code enforcement" officers who can condemn houses and need no search warrant to enter	(244)
	Photoshop these Jordanian policewomen training	(58)
	Hip hop mogul Marion 'Suge" Knight arrested in Las Vegas	(150)
	Famous suicide cliff to add "take a number" tickets after rescuers nearly killed by next suicide victim while trying to retrieve body of the last one	(187)
	Lawyer says 1000lb woman was too fat to beat nephew to death, ignoring the fact that all she had to do was shake her shoulders and a couple of lethal, 150lb hooters would start flying around the room	(235)
	Look into the face of the 13-year-old girl who made your iPhone	(274)
(Will Willkinson)	"The far-left has failed so comprehensively to make the case for its vision that the only thing left to do is to brazenly assert the world will literally collapse unless we implement this otherwise indefensible vision"	(541)
	DMX drops the F-bomb in court (LGT Video)	(113)
(Some Guy)	Illinois woman learns she owns Barack Obama's Jeep after she discovers it drives on water	(69)
	If you "borrowed" a Civil War cannon from Fort Huger, the Isle of Wight county police department would like a word with you	(38)
	Philadelphians are the best tippers in the country, tipping almost 20 percent at restaurants. Note: Does not include cheesesteak stands	(246)
	Switzerland exonerates the last European to be executed for witchcraft. Stateside, Ann Coulter breathes a sigh of relief	(62)
	Nine-year old robs restaurant at toygun point, is arrested because it's unclear if he was playing or not	(50)
	"Reporter" searches for Hillary at Hooter's. Subby thinks they are better off searching at Lou's Crab Shack	(50)
	Democrats bicker over how hard to hit McCain, fail to consult the Vietcong	(183)
(some Yat)	Evacuation of New Orleans could begin this Friday due to Gustav. EVERYBODY CONTRAFLOW	(355)
(HeraldOnline)	Seriously, who hasn't had their junk accidentally flop out of loose fitting shorts...while giving driving lessons to teenage girls...at least five different times	(349)
	Applebee's food order comes with delicious "out of date" sticker on it. Manager apologizes, offers to refresh drinks	(312)
(Tax Foundation)	California may have a ballot initiative increasing the state income tax on the rich from 9 percent to 44 percent and taking 55 percent of assets over $20 million if the uber-rich move out of state to avoid the tax	(474)
	Metra trains to eliminate bar cars. Something about wanting "more room for passengers" or some nonsense	(144)
	A funny short video of Chinese people being exposed to fortune cookies (an American invention) for the first time. "Americans are so strange, why are they putting pieces of paper in their cookies?"	(153)
(Intelligencer)	Since he can't have a home office, man now wants to turn his house into a Scientologist church. Suck it, zoning board	(120)
	The only rancorous debate that MSNBC is covering at the Democratic convention is between their egomaniacal anchormen	(339)
(Hiking Penis)	Germany's "Naked Hiker" allowed to serve his sentence nude because prison clothes depress him, inconvinience his cellmate	(181)
	If you're going to rob your own truck, take the time to come up with a description of the fake robber	(61)
	Snake floats into home, nearly bites woman during TV interview (with video)	(79)
	Frommers travel guides coming to your iPod. So now you can walk around unfamiliar areas in foriegn countries gawking at your expensive electronics. Good plan, guys	(38)
(Some Guy)	The four John Carlins in one small Irish village tired of getting each other's mail suggest a radical new idea: put numbers on houses	(54)
	Hijackers of Darfur airliner surrender in Libya after running out of small bills for drinks, pillows	(27)
	New Orleans has broken ground on a memorial to Katrina victims. Memorial will be in the form of a statue of George W. Bush giving New Orleans the finger	(486)
	Criminals try to rob money-changer at airport, end up stealing bag of snack cakes instead	(64)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Star Wars characters into other movies. LGT example	(274)
(KIRO)	Hikers stranded on Three Fingers Mountain. Rescue crews searching the pink, the stink	(35)
	Most badass 15-lb poodle/spaniel mix ever chases two bear cubs -- and their mother -- up a tree	(70)
	Mom risks mother of the year award when she tries to trade her five-year old daughter for a used car	(111)
	"If being a woman and eating lunch topless in a public toilet is a crime then, yes, lock me up"	(119)
	Note to Florida: When females are placed in programs for troubled girls, it isn't because they're having trouble getting laid	(48)
	Louisiana law allows teachers to bring in "supplemental textbooks" about evolution, demonstrating Creationist tactics taking on subtle changes over time, improving their chances to survive in today's scholastic environment	(777)
	Slain couple with family issues write a will bequeathing insults all around	(87)
	Billboard campaign advertising historical naval attraction fails to mention Rum and the Lash	(51)
	Old and busted: Making students wear uniforms to improve public schools. New hotness: Making teachers wear uniforms to improve public schools	(62)
	Abercrombie & Fitch employees shocked, SHOCKED, to find that the butterfaces are regulated to folding shirts in the stockroom	(417)
(Some Guy)	Firefighters returning from fighting a blaze discover their firehouse resembles rain on your wedding day	(38)
	Bats take turns "shutting up" when flying in groups. Obviously the male ones	(29)
	Old and Busted: watering down the drinks in a nightclub. New Hotness: watering down the pain medication in hospital	(31)
(Some Guy)	The most incredible photographs of Chinese people painted to disappear into their surroundings that you're likely to see today	(100)
	(Are we still supposed to submit these kinds of stories or are we pretty much past this?)	(54)
	Today's "driving with .34 BAC with twin daughters in backseat" store brought to you by Sacramento, Calif. (w/ ".34 wouldn't be enough" mugshot)	(64)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredients: A monkey, a mouse and a moose. Difficulty: No cartoon characters	(50)
	If Moby Dick and Jaws had sex, this would be the product of their love	(91)
	If you flushed a grenade down the toilet in Xenia, OH, the police would like to speak with you	(57)
	FDIC warns that it might not have enough money to insure everybody during the current bank crisis, says tip line can be reached at 1-800-MATTRESS	(165)
(tmj4)	Garbage collectors on strike in Milwaukee area. Doubtful anyone will notice for a while	(59)

Tue August 26, 2008

	Mailman "addicted" to baseball cards goes all postal over 1915 Crack Jack card	(66)
	San Francisco can't add bike lanes, or even bike racks, because bicycles cause too much pollution	(279)
(Some Guy)	Around 500 high school students suspended over wearing the wrong belts	(160)
	In one of the worst decisions ever made, school bans cheerleading uniforms	(190)
(Some Guy)	Wife becomes the first woman in Kentucky charged with bigamy (w/ picture that will make you want to become monogamous or even celibate)	(223)
	Now nanny state using 'dog wardens' to fine public	(42)
(Some Guy)	Your brother changes your account from administrator to guest on the family computer. Thats a stabbin'	(61)
	Training program encourages students and professors to fight back in the event of a shooting with "improvised" weapons. Short Dell battery, count to three, throw	(169)
	Big-busted woman wearing a large underwire bra sets off the airport metal detector. Discovers the real boobs are in the TSA. "You can't treat me as a criminal for wearing a bra."	(274)
(Hudson Register Star)	Actual small-town newspaper headline: "Michael C. Howard is not dead"	(29)
(PinkNews)	Woman ejected from US federal building over lesbian T-shirt	(224)
	Mork killed in freak flash flood near Arizona-California border. Pray for Mindy	(65)
	Air France Jumbo Jet skids off runway in Montreal. No one hurt, but there may be a $12 deplaning charge	(87)
	Daily Show correspondents are having trouble conducting interviews at DNC because fans keep swarming around them	(146)
	Man gets into six-hour standoff with SWAT team because he was annoyed by Michelle Obama's speech	(104)
	Man falls nearly 60 feet from TV tower. Doctors say he's doing okay for now, but stay tuned	(38)
	Not a witch	(145)
	Teen tries to convince cops he's sober and has alcohol breath from making out with drunk chick. Turns out he was lying on both counts	(53)
	Ron Paul's wife to be discharged from hospital. Paul objects on grounds that nowhere in the Constitution is hospital release addressed	(183)
	Photoshop this Russian rhythmic gymnast	(50)
	FAA computers that track flight plans for airplanes over the eastern US suffer failure, customers expected to pay an additional $7.50 each to get it turned back on	(222)
	Priest cancels "beauty pageant" for nuns, apparently some people didn't like the idea	(130)
	"Armed men were never a threat", said the U.S. Attorney. Adding, "Everyone knows The Obama is impervious to bullets"	(235)
	Mother who "forgot" to file police report on "missing" daughter never "wanted" daughter and only kept her because "mother" "wanted" her "to." """""	(302)
(Some Guy)	Bad: Getting caught with beer and underage girls at a pool party you hosted. Fark: When the realtor drops by to check on his vacant property	(75)
	Soldier survives 2 tours of duty in Iraq, only to be killed on the job at a federal prison because he wasn't allowed to be armed while guarding 100 inmates alone. Nanny state shakes head in disbelief	(244)
(Ft. Collins Now)	Michelle Malkin and a bunch of truthers get into an argument on the streets of Denver. And nobody called in an airstrike	(459)
	Charges dropped against woman who protested lax identification and citizenship standards by registering her dog to vote. Suspects paw-print signature on the registration card tipped them off, or his constant baracking in support of Obama	(32)
	If you can hijack a plane with over a hundred people on it and all you have is a knife, I'm all like, free plane man, it's yours	(132)
(Hindu.com)	Mysterious virus in India turns out to be malaria, 270 dead. Nothing to see here, move along	(66)
	This just in: you can't trade hogs for sex in KY any more	(142)
	Home sales down 35.3 percent year-to-year, but up 2.4 percent month-to-month. Guess which one the media decided to report. Hint: EVERYBODY PANIC	(177)
	SAT scores stay at lowest level in a decade. USA SUA UAS	(205)
	"I believe in natural gas as a clean, cheap alternative to fossil fuels." Natural gas = fossil fuel. Don't worry though, it isn't like the speaker of the House needs to understand energy issues	(312)
(Daily Herald)	After kind townsfolk raise over $1300 for Burmese immigrant who was beaten and robbed, he's keeping $130, and sending the rest to Burma to build a kindergarten	(52)
	A new beer named after the "patron saint" of drug traffickers is brewing up controversy in Mexico	(67)
(Some Guy)	Husband secretly saves $1,200 for family vacation to Disney World, hides the money in a DVD case, which his wife then sells for $10. "He thought the DVD case was a great spot to hide it from me, and it was," she says	(259)
	Bad news for Obama: According to a recently released WND poll, the majority of voters are bigots who want to provide financial assistance to their imaginary half-brothers in Kenya and stop gang members from joining gangs	(299)
	Here's a headline for the ages: "Canada remains happily mediocre"	(276)
(Some Guy)	Police ban snatching bag stripper. Or maybe it was the other way around	(106)
	McCain leads Obama by four percent in Florida, thanks in large part to his ads saying Obama wants to tax 4:00 p.m. early-bird dinner specials at Sizzler	(420)
	"Cancer cluster" confirmed in northeastern PA region that is home to Superfund sites and a power plant fired by waste coal. But nobody is sure if there's a connection, and the Senate refuses to fund research. America, fark yeah	(196)
	Two men admit that yes, they did burn their grandmother's house to the ground, but they were drunk and were trying to play a prank on their cousin. Who wasn't even home at the time	(29)
(Some Psycho)	"I made that decision myself, after everyone had left the area, to send a strong message... and we did. We put a round through that beer keg... and beer went everywhere"	(117)
	City considers charging citizens $100 per year for a public library card. "We're trying to make it a user-based approach"	(168)
(Mirfield Reporter)	Forty-year-old man flashed and fondled by one teenage girl while another picks his pocket. Man says that he is shocked at their boldness, will definitely stop going to this bar as soon as he runs out of wallets	(135)
	German Shepherd-sized mini-cow called "Dexter" gives 16 pints of milk a day, mows lawn, kills nasty people who don't deserve to share this beautiful planet with us	(84)
	"The Democratic Party has just blown almost one-quarter of its convention on some of the most tepid personal-trivia testimonials and no-really-they-watched-Brady-Bunch crapola I have heard since my last Amway convention"	(709)
	Man spends $10,000 on a bar mitzvah. For his dog	(60)
(Some Guy)	Last week, McCain didn't know how many houses he owns. This week, Obama didn't know what city he was in	(455)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: Bigfoot hiding in plain sight	(86)
	Couple get married, go out drinking, get in a drunken street brawl, spend their wedding night in separate cells. This would be news if it happened outside Scotland	(42)
	Woman picks up 10th DUI arrest, holds rare double ace distinction (with "you'd buy her an appletini" pic)	(225)
	Councillor suddenly dislikes CCTV cameras after one is erected near his front door	(67)
(Ada Evening News)	Man faced felony drug charges... until he ate all the evidence before cops could send it to the lab. OM NOM NOMisdemeanor	(67)
	Horror movie fan rents out an entire cinema by himself to disprove a director's claim that his latest horror movie is so scary no one can watch it alone	(117)
	Father who ran off reunited with the son he left behind, after 22 years... both doing hard time in the same prison for sex offenses. Awwwwww	(66)
(Amarillo.com)	Latest sign the economy is strong: Pimped-out horse trailers that sell for six digits	(60)
	The 2012 Opening Ceremony in London cannot match Bejing's because of those pesky unions wanting coffee breaks and having their human rights respected	(198)
	Raccoon's rocky courthouse crime spree ends with capture	(37)
(Some Guy)	Man can't believe it's not butter, pulls knife... at church. (With mugshot)	(42)
	Forty-seven-year-old author of "100 Things to Do Before You Die" forgot to include "Wear a helmet around the house," dies after hitting head in household fall	(69)
	Good Samaritan gives drunk teen a ride home, gets charged with homicide when teen later dies of alcohol poisoning	(197)
	Protestors besiege Thai state TV channels with pistols, knives and golf clubs in bid to get network's politically biased programs off the air. PBS executives greet news nervously until they were reassured that no one watches their stations	(81)
(Some Guy)	Unknown virus in India has killed 160 people. Madagascar closes ports	(273)
	North Queensland primary school bans cartwheels and handstands, declaring them dangerous. The sissification of our soft, artifact-like children continues	(58)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this shirt	(60)
(KARK)	Arkansas ballot to carry proposal that would ban unmarried couples and singles from fostering or adopting kids, thus protecting them from having fabulous parents	(155)
	Catholic Church want to dig up one its most famous cardinals, to teach him a sharp lesson for being gay. Fark: He died in 1890	(105)
	RyanAir flight makes forced landing after passengers couldn't be persuaded to pay on-board charge of £2.50 each for cabin pressure	(64)
(Times Call)	Biggest story from DNC's first night: Sasha Obama is cuter than Hello Kitty having a tea party with Stephanie from Lazy Town with two kitty cats on Unicorn Day	(183)
	Miss Maryland contestant arrested for punching another woman in her boyfriend's house. Bonus: Her pageant platform was "preventing bullying"	(72)
	Rick Romero Institutes of Health finds that the uninsured get less healthcare than the insured	(31)
(Some Guy)	Dad chops son's hand off in banana fight. That is all	(110)
(Some Guy)	Trendy dumbasses are going out to restaurants that serve nothing but Cheerios and Fruity Pebbles, hold the whole milk	(134)

Mon August 25, 2008

(Some Guy)	Man arrested for throwing a large stone repeatedly at the glass doors and windows of the Sheriff's Office to see if they were bulletproof	(44)
	Long-haired boy can start school and other news stories from Texas that you can't believe is news	(104)
(New Haven Register)	Baseball team disqualified for causing a unhealthy environment. Fark: It's because the 9-year-old pitcher scares other kids with his fastball	(213)
	Researchers estimate that "supersede" is the most often mispelled word in the English langague	(250)
	Rescued by the coast guard after nearly drowning in a jet ski mishap? You better believe that's a stay in a detention center	(40)
(Some Guy)	Researchers find that the risk of cancer, being alive, decreases after age 80	(37)
	If you have three warrants out for your arrest, getting drunk and falling into the Mississippi River is not a very good way to keep a low profile	(9)
	Yesterday on Meet the Press, Tom Brokaw asked Nancy Pelosi about her 14% approval rating and her failure to end the war in Iraq. Fark.com: Her response was to laugh and blame Bush	(368)
	Good: Beijing athletes see video of British images promoting 'London 2012'. Bad: Montage includes Myra Hindley, the Moors Murderess. Fark: 'Visit London' has used her image for years with no complaints	(65)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these patient players	(59)
(Some Guy)	Orphanage in India is torched by Hindu extremists. One injured, Nun dead	(89)
	How "take your guns to work" laws violate property rights	(486)
(Tallahassee Democrat)	Man gets leg ripped off by hit & run driver and has to be involuntarily taken to the hopsital for treatment?	(77)
	Police in Denver investigate possible plot to kill Obama	(288)
	AT&T thanks the Blue Dog Democrats with a lavish party, how is that "Change" working out?	(113)
	These are hard times for Bigfoot believers, so Newsweek throws them an unidentified hominid bone	(40)
	Homeowners are making alternative fuel in their garages to save money, with predictable results	(42)
	Now that the Olympics are finally over, we can return our attention to the real pinnacle of the sporting world: the annual bog-snorkelling championships (pic)	(29)
	Joe Biden's net worth: $59,000 to $366,000. Fails at making money off American politics. Can we trust him?	(386)
	Amtrak train runs out of gas, sits idle for two hours while waiting for assistance. AAA and Geico surrender	(69)
	Jon Stewart continues to show how awesome he is, rips media a new one	(286)
	Daddy Yankee endorses John McCain. Yes, the Daddy Yankee that ends his song "Gangsta Zone" by saying "conquer the United States" in Spanish	(215)
	5.9 magnitude earthquake hits New Zealand, Californians unimpressed	(139)
(Salina.com)	Cops raiding a home in a trailer park scare the crap out of the neighbors who thought they were the ones getting raided, so they threw their drugs out the window to the cops and surrendered	(80)
	Lieutenant Colonel Howard Lee Baugh, one of the original Tuskegee Airmen, has died	(83)
	"Let's see..... if I sleep 2 hours a night, take 11 classes a semester, and do nothing but schoolwork 22 hours a day, I can skip my 4th year of college."	(210)
	Drunken woman dies in golf cart rollover, equally plastered husband walks home and shoots himself. Just another day in Tennessee, America's dumb little cousin	(234)
	Here's a list of movies scheduled to stink up the remainder of the year	(317)
	3G reception problems with the iPhone 3g are this week being blamed on Shakes Magic Eight Ball AT&T's crap ass network	(208)
	How drunk do you have to be to not notice getting shot in the leg? Ask this guy	(111)
	Zombie Castro rambles on about attempted bribes and cheating at Olympics, promises beatings	(163)
	National Enquirer's editor responds to those sneering at his coverage of the Edwards affair: "I'm rubber; you're glue." Difficulty: No, really. That's actually what he says	(110)
	Operation "Op Timis Preem" underway in Afghanistan. Megatron unavailable for comment	(97)
	Ninjas responsible for the second wave of defaulting home loans	(274)
	Columnist once wrote piece on Biden's gaffe prone verbosity; Fark: Biden called writer, got answering machine, and his message was so long it got cut off	(98)
(Some 5 Ring Guy)	Retired olympic events. Who doesn't want them to bring back live pigeon shooting?	(375)
(Some Persian)	Iran denies western media claims that they have ordered over one million tons of wheat from the US	(151)
	The man who was smart enough to cure Polio, but couldn't get out from under Salk's shadow, is dead at 93	(48)
	Hotel key cards made of "sustainably-harvested wood" are great for the environment, bad for unlocking doors	(98)
	Guess who Biden wanted on the Democratic presidential ticket four years ago? You guessed it: Frank Stallone	(139)
	FoxNews box at DNC convention hall flooded by "faulty sprinkler system" wink	(531)
	Minneapolis Star-Tribune turns its op-ed section into an online blog, because opinions expressed by anonymous Internet posters are invariably rational, well-thought out and impeccably informed	(72)
	British seniors' association says road sign featuring hunched figure with a walking stick is insulting. Come up with a new "Beware of Old People" sign	(90)
	Politics in America involves a lot of childish name-calling so as to distract voters from thinking about substantive issues? What you say?	(219)
(RM Global Health)	Forget cancer, scientists say they may have found a cure for butterface	(224)
	If captured, Osama bin Laden will be given a fair trial, then crucified in front of the Shanksville, Pennsylvania firehouse, where they already have a cross ready	(193)
	Florida copes with devastating floods via a cool flood vehicle, and a fat girl on moped	(74)
	Seeking to save energy and conserve food and water, colleges have begun to eliminate ...... lunch trays?	(89)
	Man accidentally locks keys in car, which somehow results in him stabbing himself to death	(186)
	Two states, Colorado and Nebraska, will have a referendum on equal pay for equal work -- which sounds so much better than a "ban on affirmative action"	(294)
	In the wake of the wildly successful "do-it-yourself deportation" program, Homeland Security is making the self-registration of foreign visitors compulsory -- except when they opt not to	(51)
	Four tornadoes touch down at the outskirts of Denver, are promptly arrested by police because they didn't have permits to protest at the DNC	(65)
(NWAnews)	Thirteen, ah ah ah, fourteen, ah ah ah, fifteen vampire bats at zoo after bat baby boom	(44)
	"We have got him in an egg cup and he is like a member of the family now, the only problem is that he is shrivelling up so I am not sure how much longer he will be with us"	(82)
	University of Miami bans cars for incoming freshman living in dorms. Kegs of beer, panty raids, and women in their dorms however seemed to be overlooked	(83)
	Russian beauties welcome nation's sailors home from Georgia after ... OH MY GOD. No wonder these guys are always leaving Russia to invade other countries (pics)	(163)
	Airlines wave bye-bye to long-standing practice of letting families with small children board first	(294)
	And the "First to Get Arrested by Overzealous Cops at the DNC" award goes to some hunter from Wyoming who tried to check in to his hotel, where Mrs. Pelosi is also staying, with his cased hunting rifles	(407)
	Man wins damages after being fired because he was bipolar. He's reportedly ecstatic. Nope, devastated. Oops, ecstatic agai ... hold on, he's distraught	(99)
	"Heteroflexible: Girls kissing girls is the latest trend" Giggity	(358)
	South Australia brings a sad tale / of a lesbian so full of fail / that instead of a licking / her squeeze got a sticking /and bullets that now mean no bail	(33)
(Some Gal)	Photoshop this cooking quandary	(94)
	When even your five-year-old daughter jumps out of a car rather than ride home in one driven by your drunken ass, there's no Father Of The Year accolades in your future (w/ mugshot goodness)	(91)
	Crack police squad responds to convenience store robbery, pushes its way past the director, assistant director, cameramen, key grip, and the kid with the little clacker thing to arrest their suspects	(89)
	CNN asks why TV stars don't watch TV. Submitter asks why CNN's journalists don't study journalism	(89)