Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-08-03 23:59:59'

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Sun August 03, 2008

	Historians find three Nazi bunkers untouched since 1945 on a beach off the Danish coast after violent storms. And if the accompanying pic is anything to go by, Hitler was in one of them	(69)
	Son wants to know 'How to Party'. Dad wants to pass along some Father-Son knowledge. Results: Not Good	(58)
	Nobel literature prize winner Alexander Solzhenitsyn has died aged 89	(73)
	Pastor who arranged the Pope's mass in New York accused of sexually abusing two minors	(99)
	Major new study says parents who take the "precious snowflake" approach end up seriously harming their children's development. Wow, who'da thunk?	(124)
	The battle over the worlds largest Confederate flag, now flying in Tampa, expected to last much longer than the 10 minutes it took Grant to take Richmond	(259)
	World's smallest snake discovered in Barbados. Surprisingly, it wasn't attached to somebody driving a Hummer	(73)
	Eleven climbers killed after ice avalanche on K2	(167)
	Tropical storm forms in Gulf of Mexico heading for Texas. Gas stations to raise prices in 36 hours	(107)
(Some Guy)	PBS to remove "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood" from schedule in September. It's a terrible day in the neighborhood, biatch	(109)
	91 Nørwegiån råcing spectåtørs struck by lightning. Øuch	(30)
	Family jets off to Paris, forget their 4 year-old daughter at Israeli airport	(85)
	Photoshop Tawawa-chan in mid-scream	(50)
	Minneapolis battling 'tween gang' problem, where large groups of preteen girls intimidate pedestrians, rip up gardens, and flaunt their addiction to Disney Channel music	(85)
(PhillyBurbs)	Teens attend medieval day camp to learn jousting, crafts, how to be village trollop	(49)
	Maryland college bans drug from campus. The drug? Tobacco	(153)
	It had to happen: after "manscara" and "guyliner", tights for men are making a fashion resurgence. Faaabulous	(217)
(Some Guy)	If you had Sunday in the "Next Qantas Emergency Landing" pool, please come forward to collect your winnings	(50)
	This time it wasn't streetlights, but it was close. The Sun wasn't there, but is now... (with scarily realistic illustration)	(43)
(Some Sun)	The same city that hosts an annual RibFest with 250,000 attendees now holds a VeggieFest. 1,500 people show up in the first hour to see what real food eats	(105)
(Otter chaos)	Ugly ass baby otter born in N.C. Aquarium, promptly forms jug band	(62)
(Some Guy)	Man arrested for threating to attack a non-existent train platform. "I didn't think threatening to attack a railway station that doesn't exist would constitute a crime," he was quoted as telling investigators	(58)
	This inflatable pool has been shopped. I can tell from having seen some pools in my time and the fact that my kids aren't 6 inches tall	(193)
	Hamas punishes rival Fatah members by shaving their faces and... well that's it, really. They just shave their faces	(167)
	Nanny State wants to help 4th graders deal with their anger issues. Damn you, gimme back my pencil or so help me, I'll slap you silly	(91)
	Sign of the times: group of artists, writers and intellectuals forced to launch a school just to teach people how to get a life. Subby would be interested in attending, but he has to get to the gym in 26 minutes	(144)
	Investigators discover rare, "Jungle Book"-like feral child -- in Tampa Bay subdivision	(507)
	Photoshop this one-point perspective portal	(64)
	North Korea to expel South Koreans from tourist resort. In other news, North Korea has a tourist resort	(68)
	Disabled man has disabled van. City forecloses because it can	(167)
	French grape growers threaten violence if the government doesn't provide industry protection from globalization. This whine has a pleasant nose with an earthy, woody finish	(82)
	Crack kills. With pic of crack victim lying in the middle of the street	(68)
	While only 1 in 10 die from a lightning strike the other nine are never quite the same. Fester-like ability to orally power light bulbs repulses some, excites others	(59)
	The experiment: Take a Domino's Meatzza pizza and stick it in the trunk. Now leave it in the hot Florida sun for seven days. Does your trunk smell like death or pizza? WFTV has done just that and the results are in	(112)
(wcnc.com)	If you killed your friend over a soccer game, you probably want to avoid playing "Guitar Hero" at the local Wal-Mart	(44)
	With his 15 minutes of fame long and gone, Verne Troyer sues ex-girlfriend and the sex tape she made with him	(61)
	Truck carrying 66 feet long, 75,000 pound ICBM booster rocket overturns. Local residents actually don't care. "As long as it ain't going off, we're OK," one said. "And if it did, it wouldn't matter anyway"	(119)
	"A driver distracted by a naked woman in her back seat ran a red light and caused a five-car wreck"	(49)
	Man arrested for calling 911 twice because his sandwich order wasn't what he ordered	(66)
	Some upset that prisons are buying inmates video game consoles with the taxpayers' money. "Offenders should be learning and preparing for the world of work, not idly playing Grand Theft Auto and preparing to return to crime."	(120)
	Qat is bad for Yemen's economy and public health, great in Scrabble	(52)
	If you're in court charged with tax and welfare fraud to the tune of $2 million, it won't help your case to pull two fingers out of your purse and say a voodoo curse made them fall off your daughter	(84)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this man making a moa	(55)
(Some cheesehead)	It's the wurst thing to ever happen in Sheboygan. You never sausage a calamity	(81)
	Fire strikes Westboro Baptist Church, arson likely. Fred Phelps thanks....well, nobody	(336)
	Man missing and presumed dead in flood 32 years ago gets a second opinion, has status upgraded to "Alive"	(38)
(MyFoxPhilly)	12-year-old girl falls into chimney, plummets down 14 stories and survives almost unscathed. Fark: Her name is Grace	(77)

Sat August 02, 2008

	Microsoft study confirms 'Kevin Bacon' theory	(130)
(Some Guy)	Bear skeleton discovered from last Ice Age, scientists can't explain leather collar with picture of Hydra on it	(77)
	The housing market went bust, the economy is down, small banks have closed. Finally, something is up in the US Fark: it's AIDS	(249)
	Federal government starts "Operation Futility" this Tuesday	(147)
	Photoshop this wolfman, Jack	(100)
	Actual headline: "City sinks its teeth into Beaver Festival." Actual quote: "You're either a beaver lover or you're not a beaver lover."	(105)
(Phantom Canyon Brewing)	Colorado Springs Fark Party: tonight at 8:00 p.m., Phantom Canyon Brewing Company (2nd floor)	(82)
	Biatch stole my fish	(73)
	What do Al Qaeda and an anus have in common? They never get tired of making number 2s	(109)
	Check it out now: right about now, Rockefeller who abducted daughter is in custody in Baltimore. Whereabouts of daughter not clear.	(92)
(Some Guy)	Zombie Survival Quiz	(703)
	First of all, don't steal. Also, don't put your wallet inside the stolen purse. And don't drop the purse when fleeing the scene. And definitely don't go to the police station to pick up your wallet	(24)
	Neither rain nor snow, nor sleet nor dark of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Unless they're expected to drive up a steep hill. And heaven forbid they should walk	(56)
(Some Guy)	When planning a robbery, make sure that your toy gun at least looks real	(26)
	2000 Olympic U.S. men's relay team stripped of medals for performance-enhancing drug use. Tour de France competitors collectively turn heads and whistle nonchalantly while heading for the nearest exit	(101)
	British colonialism is to blame for the world's economic prosperity	(123)
	Japanese government expresses dismay over US submarine radiation leak. Meanwhile, Japanese fishing boat disappears, and JDF naval vessels track mysterious underwater object headed for downtown Tokyo	(71)
	Makers of Lay's potato chips, Kettle Chips, and Cape Cod Chips agree to include less cancer in their giant bags of salty potato goodness	(83)
	Tyson foods chickens out over Muslim holiday but gets cocky with unions, making workers cluck in on Labor Day. Both decisions will ruffle feathers, I'm talon ya	(151)
	Girls who vandalized Chick-fil-A founder's home get interesting punishment, must apologize in writing 1,000 times. Initial suggested punishment of making them eat a Chick-Fil-A Carrot & Raisin Salad was considered cruel and unusual	(104)
(Some Guy)	Outgoing police chief gets into fistfight with his replacement. Gun gets drawn, mayor nearly has heart attack. That's fine police work Lou	(46)
	The latest pointless media frenzy: the shank application on Facebook. "If the authorities really want to get tough on knife crime, the CEO or directors of Facebook should be arrested for inciting violence"	(60)
	Woman looks back wistfully on a time when a teacher was allowed to beat their students with wooden rods and leather straps	(149)
	People who thought New Yorkers were grumpy already ain't seen nothing yet	(61)
	"Ham and bacon keep us healthy," claims meat firm. At last, advertising we can believe in	(78)
	Mean, nasty, tight-fisted, arrogant and extremely unpleasant Salman Rushdie threatens to sue bodyguard for calling him mean, nasty, tight-fisted, arrogant and extremely unpleasant	(43)
	Former prosecutor to plead guilty for transporting illegal aliens from Kentucky in his Winnebago. Or as we liked to call him down at the station, the Louisville Smuggler	(15)
(Depity Dawg)	It's a bad day when your own dogs assist in your arrest by biting you	(26)
	Photoshop this picture of Dubai. Difficulty: No Bespin	(54)
	Increased spending on homeland security means recreational boaters in Lake Erie can get boarded by multiple law enforcement agencies several times in rapid sucession	(80)
	After realizing she is not quite dead yet, British Labour party downplays controversial plans for state funeral for Maggie Thatcher	(55)
	Science is like a good friend: sometimes it tells you things you don't want to hear	(947)
	Man gives up legal custody of daughter rather than let his wife know his secret identity, then kidnaps her to his secret undersea lair	(49)
	Do not sleep outside, get drunk, set off fireworks or get naked during the Olympics	(35)
	"Like John Travolta's hair, some friends seem genuine at first, but upon closer inspection, they turn out to be high-quality fakes."	(37)
	1. Dress as a beaver 2. Buy heroin 3. Broadcast it on the air 4. Profit	(30)
	Pairs have sex in public, hooligans brawl over a wrong look, girls parade in underwear, youngsters down cheap booze until they vomit and drunken teens menace the narrow streets on quad bikes. Otherwise known as 'Brits on holiday'	(116)
	Happy Caturday: Turn any of the entries from this week's Farktography theme into a LOLcat. VE, DIT, LGT thread in question	(467)
	After Brazilians trim away ridiculous amounts of wild jungle, it's time to start preserving the bush	(52)
	Bag labelled 'bomb' gets past airport security. Obviously, they need the TSA	(73)
	The cow that jumped over the moon ain't got mutton on this baaad boy, who jumped onto a second-story roof. How'd ewe do that anyway?	(16)
	Neighbors searching guy's closet for bail money ignore the pornography, sex toys, chains, handcuffs, knives, swords and machetes. But the human skull "with bits of flesh still stuck to it" managed to catch their attention	(37)
	Gunman kills two at Simon & Schuster warehouse. Book it. Done	(37)
	Elderly couple tells would be home invaders "suck it." And by "it," subby means lead	(103)
	The Manitoba Denogginizer described as "friendly" and "reliable." Canada is apparently full of these people	(101)
(Some Guy)	Have a blast photoshopping these furnaces (ore not)	(39)
	One of Austria's last privately owned lakes is up for sale. Great place for a barby	(58)
(Some Guy)	The Church of Oprah. And don't say you didn't see it coming	(164)
	English pubs are fighting to stay in business, resorting to "selling toxic drinks in devastating quantities to kids who consider a good night out to be one that ends in copious vomiting"	(64)
	Man of faith starts "fly-in church" out of his private hangar -- gives free breakfast and aviation-themed services to pilots. This morning he even re-enacted Lucifer plummeting from the Heavens into fiery brimstone	(79)
	More students than ever before eating out of dumpsters. And not just liberal arts graduates either	(100)

Fri August 01, 2008

	The guy who created the "Garfield Minus Garfield" blog has been given approval to turn it into a book with the blessing of Jim Davis	(187)
	Wild bear turns U.S. Senior Open golf tournament into something actually worth watching...at least for a couple of minutes	(54)
	Photoshop these vertical alien pods	(53)
	House of Representatives adjourns. Republicans refuse to leave, Democrats turn out lights. It's not news, it's kindergarten	(445)
	"Have you forgotten 911": The weekly mugshot roundup	(205)
	Human foot washes up on shore of Lake Huron. Fish and wildlife authorities planning strategy to deal with spread of new invader species from BC	(50)
	Thief of 115 Victoria's Secret bras still not found. "If you start seeing kids in your neighborhood with frilly slingshots, call undercover police"	(50)
	They grow up so fast: four year old daycare student threatens to kill his classmates	(89)
	Police taser teenager with broken back 19 times: "Authorities say their use of a Taser weapon should not be questioned"	(288)
	Buy 200 tons of rock, get the undetonated explosives for free	(47)
(Some Designer)	The neatest 3D parking lot directions you'll see in the next 26 minutes	(63)
(NBC 10)	If your tenants are behind on the rent, smashing your Hummer into their living room might not improve the situation any	(35)
	Greyhound bus decapitator charged with only second-degree murder. Failed to kick the head through the goalposts for the extra-point conversion	(330)
	At an altitude of 27,000 feet, total eclipse of the sun looks like the cover of Dark Side of the Moon	(101)
	50% of British 10 year olds and 100% of gay smurfs cannot identify a blue tit	(60)
	Farmer has double arm transplant. So now he won't have to hire as many hands	(59)
(appeal-democrat)	You have a fundamental right not to have your pants pulled down at 3:40 in the afternoon on a Saturday in public	(29)
	Queen guitarist Brian May completes his doctoral thesis in astrophysics, proving link between rotation of the Earth and human females with ample gluteal regions	(108)
(Some Guy)	Florida businessman gets audited, pays hit man $20,000 to kill the IRS agent. Is dismayed to discover that it is not deductible as a business expense	(35)
	'We had no idea that our son had, in his bedroom, 181 rounds of ammuntition, several assault rifles, 50 pounds of explosive chemicals, two shotguns, one handgun, metal pipes, and detonation wires,' say absolutely vapid parents	(200)
	Anthrax suspect was "homicidal, sociopathic," according to female counselor who just sought restraining order against him	(105)
(Queerty.com)	Man found guilty of attempted murder after shooting a neighbor he thought was another neighbor whom he claims sodomized his cat, thus turning it gay. Confused? You won't be after this episode of Soap	(86)
	Scientists plan to coat all bullets with unique pollens to identify criminals who use guns. You can have my pistil when you pry it from my cold dead hands	(125)
	Lured by lies about a better life and the glories of socialism, thousands of Americans emigrated to Russia during the Depression, only to live in misery or in the gulag	(197)
	Minnesota to emergency response coordinator: "You're fired." Homeland Security: "Hey there, good lookin'" Homeland Security a few weeks later: "Hey, wait a minute"	(53)
	Fark murdering tips o' the day: 1) Don't miss. But if you do, 2) don't shoot yourself in the thigh putting that gun back in your baggy pants	(47)
(Louisville Courier-Journal)	Kentucky toddler found to be driving under the influence of poor parenting	(43)
(shieldsgazette)	Just how deadly are baked beans? Airport staff acting as the last line of defence in war on terror confiscated baked beans, brown sauce and champagne so passengers couldn't be blown up in mid air by terrorists	(53)
	Having solved all the country's problems Congress passes bill banning cell phone use on planes	(229)
	Pabst Brewing announces plans to put the L back in Schlitz	(221)
	Photoshop these punks	(94)
(CLICK THE LINK)	TFer is riding in a MS charity bike ride tomorrow. If anybody wants to donate, it's for a good cause	(298)
	Anthropologist blames birth control, lack of happy faces and lactation in women for . . . something . . . in utterly incomprehensible LiveScience article	(86)
	10 questions couples should ask when trying to decide who they should invite to their wedding. It's not news, it's CNN	(137)
	22,000 State of California employees to face Arnold's sack	(288)
	Fed up with Coke's marketing pull, do-it-yourselfers attempt to replicate Coca-Cola's secret forumla. "It was really violent and very distressing"	(283)
	Minnesota to emergency response coordinator who fled to Washington during Interstate 35W bridge disaster: "You're fired." Homeland Security: "Hey there, good lookin'"	(134)
	Some days work is good, some days work is bad, and some days you gotta pull a naked guy out of the chimney	(29)
	Man robbed in motel parking lot. Thief gets a way with a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a fake diamond earring and three Post-it notes. Three Post-it notes?	(74)
	Douche: Trying to look important with an open laptop in your car. Totaldouche: A full desk, desktop computer and 17" monitor -- in your convertible	(144)
(Some Guy)	You know times are tough when Jaguar owners are stealing gas from gas stations	(66)
	Ocean City MD Fark Party Sunday August 3rd 2pm at Seacrets. Drew's judging a bikini contest first, plans are to hang out awhile afterwards. Need a rough headcount please post (or email Drew) if you can make it	(118)
	Old and busted: Indian casinos. The new hotness: Indian power plants	(62)
(DC Party!)	FINAL REMINDER: DC Fark Party tomorrow 8pm, The Big Hunt in Dupont Circle. Drew's comin, lock up the beer	(159)
	Karadzic: They see me rollin', they Haguin'	(43)
(KSTP.COM)	Oral arguments set to begin in Senator Craig appeal. Which is all he wanted to begin with	(115)
	Things five-year-olds like to do: watch cartoons, wear a towel over their shoulder and pretend to be a superhero, play with toys, climb Mt. Whitney. Wait... what?	(44)
(Some Guy)	The top 10 saddest colleges in the US. Emo U. somehow fails to make list	(257)
(The Business Sheet)	Paralegal: My boss forced me to give witness a blowjob	(244)
(Baron don't dance)	While others are at the Olympics, Baron Davis and Steve Nash pull the stepbrother routine at the beach. Bonus: Geeky point guard moonwalks. No, not Baron Davis	(34)
	Bizarre interview with brother of dead anthrax scientist:"He can go to hell" (video)	(55)
	Georgia city buys a strip club -- in order to close it down and burn its signs	(117)
	UFO researcher says that there's just no evidence to support the claims made by a former NASA astronaut that aliens and UFOs exist	(168)
	General Motors post a $15.5 billion second-quarter net loss. Sales plummet like a rock. Oooooohhhhh, Like a Rock	(297)
(wsbtv)	Georgia back-to-school sales tax holiday has all the usual stuff included: jeans, pencils, computers, corsets, adult diapers... wait, what?	(40)
	If you are trying to steal copper wire, a live 7000-volt power line is probably not the best place to do so	(84)
	US says Pakistan blew up India's Kabul embassy. Yes, that would be nuclear Pakistan and nuclear India. This should end well	(255)
(Newsnet5)	"Naked man prompts bomb scare at gas station"	(51)
	Student charged with disorderly conduct after putting 911 stickers in an airplane bathroom. That's a lot of stickers	(162)
(Some Guys)	Photoshop these Carling darlings	(63)
	U.S. Park Police in Washington, D.C. are using cowabunga turtles with freaking GPS units strapped to their backs to search for marijuana plants	(190)
	Barack Obama not being a fattie might hurt him in a national election where said nation is 66 percent overweight and 32 percent obese	(390)
	New Zealand town of Whakatane is censored on teh intarwebs because the "wh" is pronounced like an "f" and sounds a bit rude. What the whak?	(63)
(Some Guy)	Firefighters respond to fish tank fire. "The fish were not injured," says captain	(43)
(Some Guy)	Actual headline: "Master Bait & Tackle and Tiki Bar Cafe hit by burglars." Police react stiffly, saying a stroke or two of luck will help them find the money shot by the thieves	(50)
	"I'm just doing push-ups" is the new anti-government protest in China (warning: small pics of bare-assed push-uppers)	(63)
	Antisocial scientist behind Anthrax attacks commits suicide before I Am The Law closes in on his Madhouse to Bring The Noise; no word if he was Armed & Dangerous	(469)
	Hot, sexy pics of what the Earth looks like naked (not safe for worlds)	(134)
	Excuse me, but could you cover up those nipples? They are really offending me. Thanks	(276)
(Some Skeptical Guy)	MIT researchers develop method of extracting hydrogen from water with almost 100 percent efficiency... using just 10 percent of the power of current methods	(240)

Thu July 31, 2008

	Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Aquaman tries to communicate with a school of brownfish that have appeared from nowhere	(42)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this faceless crawling creature	(47)
	Couple charged with egging 400 houses over an 18-month period. Prosecutors scrambled to find cracks in their defense, ultimately beating the odds with one devil of a case	(58)
	Federal authorities crack down on a farmer's illegal selling of milk and cheese, ask him "How dairy you," farmer replies "Don't have a cow man"	(89)
	$10 worth of copper wire + Trash bin + Dumbass = Fark (With hilarious fail pic)	(121)
(Some Guy)	Former Olympic track and field champion now gets his thrills by racing escalators in malls and hoping he doesn't get banned for it (pic)	(32)
	Time magazine writer laments the current PANIC mode concerning underage drinking, and how your first drunken binge should be viewed as a rite of passage, like his was when he was a teen. Bonus: Pre PGA golfer John Daly bought the whiskey	(106)
(The Business Sheet)	Scientology is a "crime syndicate," says former member suing church and Tom Cruise for $250 million	(290)
	Designer vaginas blacklisted in Australia. Sounds like they're pretty uptight down under	(296)
	Drunk driver crashes truck into parked car. Passenger takes over, crashes truck into another parked car. On the same street	(15)
	Drunk driver caught after being spotted driving with the cast on her broken leg sticking out the driver's window. Yeah, she was plastered	(47)
(Inhabitat)	Ewok-like retreat in the trees is the most awesome eco-sphere hanging treehouse you have ever seen	(67)
(madison.com)	Wisconsin man ticks off BMW by purchasing rare 1931 BMW IHLE 600 Sports Roadster. (With pic of stubby car)	(144)
	Drivers try not to do body damage to rear end as naked woman darts into I-80 Freeway traffic in Berkeley	(35)
	Not news: Two drunk friends start to argue. News: One friend hits the other with a shovel. Fark: Man hit by shovel bites off friend's nose. UltraFark: Biter does not think he swallowed his friend's nose, maybe his dogs ate it	(54)
(Some Guy)	Stifler's mom reportedly stalking University of Maryland campus	(58)
	300 teenagers attend "play fight" advertised on Facebook, are surprised when it turns into a full blown riot	(160)
	Betcha Criss Angel would like to make the Fox13-Tampa chopper disappear after it accidentally records footage of how he did his much-hyped "magic" escape	(277)
	In a city that has lots of liquor stores, try not to rob the one that's across the street from where a bunch of cops are training	(20)
(Journal Times)	Boy turns mom into police for making fake money. Amazingly, mom was able to post $50,000 bond immediately	(59)
	To provoke war, Cheney considered proposal to dress up Navy Seals as Iranians and shoot at them	(615)
	Caution: Dumbasses may be closer than they appear	(18)
(LA Weekly)	419's go 187 as new foreign e-mail scam demands $8,000 to call off a hitman's contract. This wouldn't happen if they formed a union	(74)
(azfamily.com)	Thieves keep stealing manhole covers. Oh, that's just grate	(50)
	Today's made-for-Fark story includes naked Swedes, barroom violence, drunken crimes and a sheep shearer	(40)
	Cagefighting is a lot easier than facing IEDs, sniper fire and mortar attacks (but you can't call in air strikes when you're in trouble)	(30)
	Students dress as hookers to battle prostitution. You're doing it wrong	(72)
	Wife cheats on husband. Husband gets revenge by selling her wedding dress to pay for divorce	(197)
	And on the third day, God commanded the waters to be split up a hundred million miles apart	(123)
	Photoshop this break for lunch	(63)
(Some Guy)	Cops alerted to drunk man in camouflage chasing girlfriend through field. Cops arrive, find man covered in blood. Girlfriend okay. Porcupine dead	(86)
	New Mexico to teach Navajo so that future generations of Americans will have a code that the Japanese can't break	(117)
(Some Guy)	Twelve-year-old accused of making a 911 operator cry with a series of obscene and threatening calls. This kid's got potential	(92)
	What's green and annoys Christians?	(347)
	Hipsters have doomed us all to "the end of Western civilization -- a culture so detached and disconnected that it has stopped giving birth to anything new"	(201)
(Missouligan)	Boys' Kool-Aid stand catering to Hells Angels shut down by cops. But they're back in business as Angels give them permission to use club's name, give them 100 percent tips and do everything short of beating kids into the gang	(79)
	Subby is all for being comfortable at work, but these shorts-suit combos simply scream "I AM A TOTAL DOUCHE"	(233)
	Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll kill himself when he hooks a weighted lure in his eye	(86)
(Some Guy)	Not news: 17-year-old arrested for tagging. News: He is charged with a state felony. Fark: Mom says, "He's just a normal teenager out having fun, tagging stuff as they do..."	(186)
	Congress attempting to pass bill that will make college more affordable for all Americans, help ease cost of books and finally sell off that pesky bridge connecting lower Manhattan to Brooklyn	(94)
	Fully employed man lives in a tent in the park, and has a laptop, a PayPal acount and a cellphone	(233)
	Royal underwear sold at auction for $9000, but most people are wishing the bloomers had remained Victoria's secret	(51)
(Some Guy)	If the utility company shuts off your electricity, don't try bypassing the electric meter with jumper cables	(113)
	Officials not amused with a new beverage called Meth Coffee	(67)
	Travel tip: Save money by shipping luggage instead of checking it on the plane. Except that it costs the same. Or costs more. And takes five days to get there. But really, that's a small price to pay for... wait, let's start over	(95)
(Xoom: The Truth)	Painter born without eyes baffles both the artistic and scientific worlds with his masterful works, which confidently depict color, shadow and perspective. Yeah, he's pretty much a badass	(164)
	Calling the judge a "pedophile" does not help your cause, counselor	(70)
	Man gets $725,000 after a lawnmower ran over a golf ball, sending it flying into his windshield, which then caused glass to cut his cornea. Man now known as Fore Eyes	(92)
(Molesto Bee)	If your math teacher at a Christian high school is sending you lewd photos and asking you to be in a threesome, she better be hot. Bonus: She is	(340)
	Copper thieves prevent cancer patients from receiving radiation treatment. Still no Cu for cancer	(63)
	Our long national nightmare is over: The owner of Princess Chunky, the 44-pound lost cat, has been found	(72)
(Columbia Tribune)	Strip club owners ticketed for allowing patrons to liquor in the front	(61)
	Protip: When taking your car to Best Buy for stereo installation, be sure to remove the crack from your car	(82)
	Officials investigating if hazing took place after varsity cheerleaders "kidnapped" junior-varsity cheerleaders from their homes at 4:00 a.m., bound and gagged them with duct tape and threw them into a swimming pool. Giggity	(132)
	You really should swear off alcohol if a cop on a Segway is able to bust you for drunk driving	(41)
	Colorado breweries and beer pubs prepare for the DNC by ditching the Coor's Light for the snobby, elitist beers	(185)
(Some Japanese Poet)	Haiku festival / Occurs as we Fark. Show love / In five-seven-five	(556)
	Couch potatoes and World of Warcraft players rejoice -- scientists are one step closer to creating an exercise pill	(126)
(Newton TAB)	City worker drains flooded street by opening sewer manhole. Of course, all the sewage displaced by rainwater had to go somewhere. "It was just like Old Faithful"	(63)
	News: Couple arrested for going 108 mph and used "Trying to catch a plane" excuse. Fark: Same couple arrested on plane for unruly behavior. Couple has their own arrest trifecta in play	(42)
(Florida Today)	Crooks beg for jumper cables to start their getaway car	(20)
	Pimp tells a jury that his massage business, "Angel's Heaven," was part of his church, and clients only gave donations. Which explains why clients occassionally screamed out, "Oh, God"	(90)
(Amazon)	£.K. Rowling d€cides to release that $pecial limited edition Harr¥ Potter book to the public after all	(210)
(Some Guy)	"Prius crashes into house during high speed chase"	(127)
	High schools now charging students for locker rental. "The cost of keeping up a locker is a lot"	(149)
(The News)	You may find yourself drunk and naked. You may find yourself upside down. You may find yourself impaled on a rusty metal spike through your groin. You may ask yourself, "Well... how did I get here?"	(128)
	Michelle Malkin is absolutely outraged that Seattle is closing three streets so they can draw chalk art on them. Not really sure why	(592)
	Tie die meets tie and tails	(28)
	Chicagoans happier than other big city residents. And our pizza's better too. Suck it, New York	(523)
	Lady, I don't care what state you're governor of -- you don't have ID, you don't get in the bar	(152)
	Pregnant bank robber tries to clean up. Bonus: Also brought her toddler to the robbery	(39)
(Some Official)	Photoshop these officials conducting Official Business	(57)
(Some Guy)	Groper figures he can get away with grabbing the boob of a bicyclist because she has an infant strapped to her back, is dismayed to discover he guessed very wrong	(153)
	I'm just a bill, yes, I'm only a bill, and they vote for me after six seconds of consideration on Capitol Hill	(60)
	Being stuck on a long, boring bus ride from Winnipeg to Edmonton is nothing to lose your head over. Oh, wait	(493)
	How can SWAT screw this drug raid up? A) Bust the mayor in his underwear. B) Decline to arrest anyone once they realize he's the mayor. C) Shoot both his dogs, including the one that was running away. D) All of the above	(377)
(ADN)	Designer of "Got Breastmilk?" baby clothes receives a strongly worded letter from the California Milk Processors Board's lawyers, claiming that consumers might think their milk also came from ladies' jigglebits	(238)
	Not news: Teen takes car for joyride. News: It's his father's unmarked cop car. Fark: Dad is pressing charges	(70)
	Dear judge, please excuse Juan from his fraud charges. He only meant to get out of work with a fake excuse. Signed, Epstein's mother	(45)
(Some Athlete)	Caption what's making this soccer player proud	(83)
(Telluride News)	Criticize your buddy's choice of karaoke song? Yeah, that's a stabbin'	(47)
	On the next episode of "Where in the World is Carmen Salmonella," ACME tracks her down to a farm in Mexico	(58)
	Religious leaders attempt to connect Christians, Muslims, Kevin Bacon	(159)
	Yellow Lab adopts white tiger cubs after their mother abandoned them. Suck it, kitties (awww-inspiring pic)	(67)
	All right, Hamilton!	(108)
	The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC. If the joke is any indication, these people would fit in well at Fark	(164)
	Today's Balls of Steel Award goes to this 11-year-old boy who poked an alligator in the eye to escape after it bit his arm off	(83)
	Ccc	(115)
	Lamborghini owner loads his car on plane and send it 6,500 miles for an oil change. Naturally, hippies whose idea of a sweet ride is a city bus have a problem with this	(228)
	Photoshop this geeky babe with a Roman urn. What's a Roman urn? About two quincunx a day	(55)
(WKRN Nashville)	Thieves strip woman's huge vegetable garden, beet a fast retreat. Police have bean peppered with lots of tips, hope to corn-er their suspect in quick thyme and squash any future theft. Rutabaga	(57)
	Not to be outdone by Delta, American Airlines sent 67 flights off today without putting the bags on the planes. Lets see you top that, United	(80)
(TMB.com)	Woman goes to sleep in first-class cabin aboard a ferry, wakes up covered in hundreds of ticks, "from head to toe." Lawsuitlarity ensues	(146)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 169: "I Tawt I Taw a Puddytat." Difficulty: One kitteh per photo, no titles or descriptions. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(538)

Wed July 30, 2008

	Army veteran, 88, beats off armed robber with cane. Bonus: Won Purple Heart as part of segregated unit in WWII	(99)
	A man filmed himself speeding at 150km/h while masturbating at the wheel of his drug-laden car	(206)
	An article on how to dress for success at work. "Don't mistake the office for your local watering hole." Somewhere, Drew is laughing	(163)
(Some Guy)	"Man hits bear on motorcycle." No word on whether the bear was wearing a helmet, but he did have a wooden leg named Smith	(52)
	One armed swimmer nearly completes swimming the English Channel until someone waves at him	(58)
	OPEC says oil could drop to $78 a barrel. Unlikely tag explodes	(349)
	Trespassing. Illegal? Correct. Unless you're Google	(256)
	It's always handy to have a rambunctious puppy in the car with you in case you accidentally crash into a cop car	(65)
	News: Police are on the lookout for a 400 pound stolen bull. Last seen at Bloomingdale High School. Fark: It is a bronze statue	(57)
(Some Doctor)	Photoshop something onto the psychic paper	(97)
(Some Guy)	SC teacher arrested for an inappropriate relationship with one of her 14-year old female students. Worse yet, she also gave out test answers. The horror, the horror (with "you decide" pic)	(202)
	NY doorman who kept his job after winning the lottery because he had "no immediate plan to change his life" skips work too much, gets fired	(142)
	The US Patent office might stop handing out the rights to ranking pages in order, counting to ten, pressing a button to buy something, and other highly innovative ideas	(111)
	In latest damning evidence of how Bush is mishandling the war in Iraq, U.S. combat deaths totalled nine in July, the lowest number in five years	(1167)
	Catholic church suffers during heat wave, turns to Our Lady of Big Ass Fans for relief	(109)
	Family sees Jesus in cat's fur. Seeing Jesus in everyday crap trifecta now in play	(256)
	House panel votes to find Rove in contempt for blowing off subpoena	(273)
	Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert clears way for return of Zombie Sharon	(206)
	Barney Frank sponsors legislation to decriminalize possession of up to 100 ounces of pot. As for his own personal habits, Frank says he'll stick to smoking poles	(582)
	90-year-old woman has resisted attempts by corporate big shots to force her out of her home and build a grocery store. Picture with shotgun in background shows how	(143)
	Boyfriend of girl who spent two years in the bathroom stuck to toilet seat gets 6 months probation. Thankfully article includes stock photo of toilet seat, incase you forgot what one looked like	(104)
	Ontario politician proposes that all citizens become organ donors unless they explicitly say no	(412)
	Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog available free again for a limited time. About 42 minutes of Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Death Rays, and laundromats	(214)
(Some taxpayer)	For only $449, you can earn your doctorate in 7 days. And the state of Tennessee will hire you	(211)
	The odds of divorce up to 28% less if you lived with your spouse before marriage	(497)
	Batons more dangerous than Tasers according to researchers missing several teeth	(118)
	Study shows men become happier than women by midlife -- usually after the woman has relieved him of his material possessions, taken custody of the children, and shown him the value of living alone and frugally	(439)
	Bush signs housing bill. Not that housing bill, the one that authorizes (on page 287) the IRS to track every credit card transaction that Americans make	(240)
(WSB-TV)	If you want a great prank to play on your neighbor, try parking a train across the only entrance to their subdivision	(144)
	Wife divorcing man who kept daughter imprisoned in basement dungeon for 24 years. So much for the sanctity of marriage	(168)
	NY governor warns of economic crisis: projected deficits growing at a rate of 22 percent every 90 days, currently at $26.2 billion. Calls for installation of 6 billion speed cameras for safety's sake	(99)
	Bathroom on Delta flight to Atlanta found to be occupied, much in the same way that a buried coffin is "occupied"	(69)
	Own a rifle - no prob. Carry a sidearm - that's ok too. Protect yourself from a dog with a stick - you're breaking the law	(133)
(Some Voyuer)	Hot Asian teacher's aide admits to sex with 16-year-old girl after cops find naked pictures of teen on her cell phone. Is there any part of that headline we don't like?	(300)
(wsbtv.com)	Metro Atlanta Chinese restaurant that scored a 15 on health inspection re-opens after a 100 score. I guess installing the "health inspector happy ending booth" in the back worked	(49)
(Charleston Gazette)	West Virginia governor's nephew testifies that the prostitute he paid wasn't all that memorable: "I believe that's when the oral sex took place"	(48)
	Last week: North Korea to finish completely useless 105 story hotel. This week: UN begs donors to feed one quarter of their starving population. Next week: 1000' gold statue of Dig 'Em in Pyongyang still a go	(69)
	Photoshop Obama and his supporters... er, I mean, reporters	(100)
	50,000 Iraqi troops begin major operation against last Al-Qaeda stronghold near Baghdad. In other news, even though the surge is over and was apparently a a great sucess, Al-Qaeda still has strongholds near the capital	(368)
	Bear with jar stuck on its head leads police on six-day chase	(87)
	Chicago Fark Party reminder. Saturday, August 16th, Lincoln Tap Room. Link goes to bar, tons of details in thread	(93)
	LA bans any new fast-food restaurants in low-income areas from opening for one year	(390)
	Washington Post declares Obama president. Wow, those 100 days went by real fast	(535)
	Old and busted: spotting the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich. New hotness: discovering the woman in some drainage grime (you'd better believe there's a pic)	(93)
	Not News: SWAT team raids a house. News: The wrong house. Fark: They are honored with medals for it. That's some fine police work there, Lou	(279)
	Duck rescued after it was spotted swimming around with an arrow through its body, in what wildlife workers are calling "a dethpicable act"	(63)
	Ever wanted to see the "oh shiat!" look on Judge Judy's face during an earthquake? (video)	(103)
	Homeless population down 15% nationwide. In other news, soylent green sales up 15% in last quarter	(78)
(Pic #8)	Beautiful turn-key 4 bedroom, 1.5 bath home boasts a large living room, large dog, newer carpet & 2 yr old storm windows (pic now fixed, see thread for hilarity)	(159)
	Panicky Japanese parents flock to mass matchmaking parties at hotels and conference centers to marry off their kids. "I am a little embarrassed that I have to do this, but it's this or she will be unmarried forever"	(109)
	Guy who committed no crime calls 911 pleading for police to come and arrest him, until fed-up operator grants his wish	(26)
	Not news: Farker solicits questions for new advice column. News: Column will answer questions with sports metaphors. Fark: This column format may end up in actual newspaper. WTF?	(43)
(Some Guy)	"Your guy's hero of choice can reveal a lot about his personality"	(261)
	Lottery winner keeps a multimillion-dollar secret for a year, apparently not understanding the value of "interest"	(97)
(Some Guy)	"You'd hit it" one-armed model profiled. Bonus: Marie Claire cover photo actually shows Mischa Barton	(143)
	Food prices in Britain rising faster than in any other Third World nation on the planet	(116)
	Photoshop theme: Making the best of a bad situation	(80)
(Some Guy)	Kid catches bizarre fish in Arizona lak... HOLY JESUS, KILL IT WITH FIRE ...and then drench it in a savory sauce	(143)
	Add this one to the "You're Doing it Wrong" file: Man robs restaurant dressed as woman, makes off with -$5	(23)
	Wolf Blitzer nails it: "There's going to be some damage, but not nearly as significant as a more significant earthquake would have caused."	(78)
	The missing ballooning priest from Brazil apparently found a new career as navigational buoy	(35)
	California to Nestle: "Global warming is your fault."	(83)

Tue July 29, 2008

	NYC cop stripped of badge after a YouTube video surfaces of a cyclist viciously assaulting him by trying to steer out of the way (w/ video for the four of you who didn't see it the first time)	(410)
	Analysts see oil dropping below $100 per barrel in coming months. Subby will now go tend to his unicorn, cook a dodo egg omelette and head to work in his 150mpg truck	(166)
(WSVN.com)	Man arrested for stealing UFO	(42)
	Cops caught the two vandals climbing down the watertower with paint on their hands, spray paint cans in their pockets, and a store receipt for 12 spray paint cans (with mugshot goodness)	(90)
	Woman with muscular dystrophy forced to crawl out of plane, after Delta staff informs her she might make her connecting flight if she just stopped waiting for help. Delta then apologizes by giving a meal voucher she can't use	(285)
	List of damage from the quake. Estimates run into thousands of dollars	(90)
	Excoriated by Art Bell listeners and sweaty conspiracy theorists everywhere, plans for the North American Union, which never existed anyway, are now dead	(72)
	This commercial may make me feel old, but it doesn't get rid of the desire to maim the idiots responsible for making it	(1669)
(Some Guy)	Trailer full of donations catches fire at Missouri Goodwill store, creating dangerous amounts of second-hand smoke	(61)
(some site)	Flint, Michigan wants sponsors for police cameras. $30,000 = FARK UFIA camera...... bake sale anyone?	(62)
(Some Guy)	Young woman in debt because of a shopping addiction tells her story on MTV. Her tragic tale will be interspersed with commercials trying to get young people to spend money they don't have	(88)
	So that 30 minutes of exercise you do per day? Yeah you're still gonna be a fatty at the end of it	(337)
(Some Guy)	Libertarians decide that a pro-genocide ex-porn star is a bit much, even for them, as yet another actor from "Predator" continues his run for Senate as an independent	(165)
(Some Guy)	It's not a FARK party but it's the next best thing. The Wausau Funday & Possum Festival Saturday August 2nd	(45)
	Photoshop another Star Wars bad guy: Boba Fett	(92)
	Journalist covering the Olympics discovers that the baseball blog "Fire Joe Morgan" is among those websites blocked by the Chinese government. Gives a whole new meaning to "Big Red Machine"	(88)
	If you broke into an aquatics shop over the weekend in southern England and stole a shark, the police would really like to know what you did with the shark	(75)
	"[The] district attorney's office is warning residents not to eat any seafood they may have purchased from the back of a truck Sunday night or yesterday morning." Really?	(54)
(WISN)	Brett Favre makes it official: there is a fax machine in Mississippi	(187)
	Oakland A's sells root beer floats to raise money for juvenile diabetes	(90)
	Crook: I don't trust banks. Moran: I'll withdraw $7k cash from my own bank. Crook: Yeah, but I can be trusted, too. I'll hold the cash while you walk around the McDonald's and come back. Moran: Sure FAIL	(155)
	Scrub scrub scrub bang pow pow pow	(138)
(Some Guy)	Rep. Louis Gohmet (R-TX) tries to be funny when drafting a bill, proposes moving GITMO to Supreme Court grounds	(160)
	Rand study concludes US military better at winning actual wars than countering terrorists	(190)
	The Dodger bullpen is apparently not the only shaky thing in LA. In other news, 5.8 is noticeable to CAers	(635)
	Infamous Sex Pistols/Bill Grundy 1976 interview becomes television archive's most requested clip, followed closely by Pamela Anderson running along the beach in a red swimsuit	(72)
	You know you have a drinking problem when on the way home from the bar you break into the airport gas station and fill your car with jet fuel	(52)
	Excuse #293 for being a fat ass: "My neighborhood makes me a fatty"	(388)
	US House of Representatives to apologize for slavery, Jim Crow laws, human rights violations against African Americans, and Eminem	(879)
	Sorry; our state-run health care won't pay for your chemotherapy. Too expensive. But if you want to commit doctor-assisted suicide, good news	(331)
(MyFox Atlanta)	Atlanta woman shocked to discover the Son of God in her bag of snack food. Talk about dangerously cheesy	(186)
(JournalStar)	Police said he was seen naked at a convenience store near South 27th Street buying a pop, then later at the Sid Dillon car lot, before getting into his car again and driving it into a light pole	(90)
(Some Diet Guy)	"7 over the top hamburgers that are guaranteed to clog your arteries by just looking that them..."	(262)
	Judge upholds gun law, yet claims it's so badly written, it's "stupid". Guess which state	(176)
	Two Virginia football players arrested for stealing beer from the gay bar they had no idea they were hanging out at and will kick your ass if you suggest otherwise, you homo	(133)
(Some Guy)	"I really wanted that chicken," he said. "I'm disappointed I didn't get it, but I reached my limit at $4,000."	(50)
	Studio 54 back in business	(59)
	News: Couple has quadruplets. Fark: As two sets of twins, each of which was carried to term by one member of the lesbian couple. Bonus: They gave birth 22 hours apart	(96)
(Some Guy)	What do you do when your 16 year-old stepson drinks you under the table? Call the cops of course	(26)
	When your 5-year-old child is screaming at passers-by to "make mummy stop driving" then it's time to lay off that breakfast whiskey	(53)
	Happy birthday, Wil Wheaton	(286)
	Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens (R - Intertubes) to be indicted on 7 charges "related to his holding of public office"	(370)
	George Carlin joked about death on his last album. Entitled "It's Bad For Ya," it comes out today	(91)
(Red Bull)	Flugtag is here in the states. So now the Germans and Hasselhoff can't have all the fun. (Sponsored Link)	(63)
	Anarchists promise not to disrupt the DNC if Denver diverts its $50 million security grant to the community, specifically, to free bandanas for cowardly anarchists	(252)
	Dogs may have been banned from menus at Beijing's Olympic Games, but still readily available is the seal penis	(52)
	Bird flu virus, under-age Chinese athletes, pollution, green goo on Olympic sailing waters. Looks like Beijing is ready to welcome the world	(69)
(Drew)	Politics and political bias on Fark. EVERYBODY PANIC. No not really	(159)
	CBS affiliate covers a "news" story about Enterprise rental and how great it is... Big J journalism surrenders	(37)
	Meat packing raid protested by "immigrant rights activists" uncovers child labor abuses such as 13 year olds working dangerous 12 hour shifts, 102 hour work weeks	(260)
	Christians in Elberton, Georgia demand the removal of the "American Stonehenge" because it's drawing "occult" and "pagan" worshippers and is in danger of being crushed by a dwarf	(527)
	Bali bombers, who killed more than 200 people, lodge an appeal against their death sentence on the grounds that it might hurt	(187)
	Everything you know is wrong, including the fact that everything you know is wrong	(87)
	Obamakaine. Are you hooked on it?	(196)
	Prince Charles accidentally books Dita Von Teese to strip at Harry's birthday: "He gnawed his fist to within an inch of its knuckle when his aides explained what sort of dancing she did for a living"	(146)
	Urban sprawl is being dramatically slowed by the realization that a more centralized city is better economically, psychologically, and environmentally. Or it might be due to high gas prices. One of those	(188)
	You'd hit it, they're all worth a billion or more (pointless slideshow warning)	(225)
(WTNH)	Man discovers a new, stupid way to get out of jury duty	(82)
	Several million percent inflation got you down? To improve liquidity on the market, Zimbabwe is going to "remove more zeros" from their currency	(62)
	Five tiny mistakes that led to huge catastrophes. "Voting for Nader in 2000" curiously absent	(86)
	Portly woman puts too much weight on abductor machine at gym. Sling shot-larity shakes up the place	(146)
	Novice manages to get her boat into boat slip on her first attempt. Wait, did I say boat? I meant Mercedes	(43)
	Wille Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane is running for mayor of Fairhope, Alabama. He's 7 years old. And he's a dog	(38)
(Some Guy)	Quasi-hot teacher dismissed for "lenghthy and inappropriate" smooching with female student. 4,000 minutes of calls from her cell phone to the student didn't help her case either (link fixed)	(116)
	News: A White Sox fan gets beat up and loses an eye at the hands of three Cub fans. Fark: It happened at a Sesame Street-themed birthday party	(81)
	Oil drops below $124 on news of the Cubs widening their NL Central lead to 2 games	(83)
	What do King Abdullah of Jordan, Hugo Chávez and Stephen Seagal have in common? Their $7,500 bulletproof Polo shirts	(53)
(WOODtv.com)	In MI, you can throw a beer can at your girlfriend, and even a rock, but throw a pregnant chihuahua at her and that's a tasering	(38)
	Photoshop this man on his boat	(61)
	Newspaper celebrates Florida Gator's designation as number one party school by publishing a photo gallery on styles of beer bongs	(87)
	Not news: Man falls in love with random girl on the subway. News: New Yorkers actually help him track her down. Fark: They start a whirlwind romance. Obvious: It didn't last two months	(195)
	There are many recognized tattoo-removal techniques, although none of them seem to involve scissors. Too bad nobody told these guys	(112)
	Enterprising criminals find a way to defeat Britain's new "fraud-proof" passports: hijack the delivery van taking 3,000 blank passports to the airport from the production site	(50)
(DC Party)	Reminder: D.C. summer party this Saturday, August 2nd, 8:00 p.m. at Big Hunt. LGT venue. Drew will be there	(245)
(News Sentinel)	Government refuses to acknowledge woman's existence until she can provide form 27B-6	(111)
	"A robber basically has to make an appointment for a resident to be able to prepare the weapon for use." How does Thursday at 8:00 sound?	(533)
	Florida's top tennis resort now offers courtside trampling by deer	(14)
(thisisplymouth)	Who should dyslexic medical student sue over multiple-choice exams? a) PCMD b) GMC or u) XYTDZ	(99)
	Dan Quayle may be a contestant on the next season of "Dancing With The Stars." He's spending the summer practicing the Mashed Potatoe	(59)
	Texas Supreme Court rules that it's perfectly acceptable to pin an underage girl to the ground and beat the crap out of her as long as you're doing it for religious reasons	(386)
	Two skinny inmates get busy livin' after escaping through jail "design flaw" -- a hole in the wall	(37)
	British pub owners cite European anti-cartel law in their decision to ignore government instructions to ban happy hours, and the Daily Mail celebrates. In related news, Satan just got hit by a snowball	(33)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Magic	(42)
	Nanny State physicians slam pub for selling beer too cheaply. "We have to change the culture where cheap alcohol is seen as a good thing"	(71)
	Analysts believe that if Obama completes his march to the Oval Office, his backing will dissipate the first time he presses Europe to send more troops to Afghanistan or to support an aggressive U.S. military stance at odds with Europe	(383)
	A recent survey in Great Britain found that one in 10 Britons had suffered some kind of injury from walking into something while they "texted."	(52)
(Some Idiot)	If you are a fugitive you probably shouldn't use the Budget Inn as your meth lab	(25)
	Apparently, the airlines in China manage to piss off their customers just as much as the airlines everywhere else in the world	(45)
(24 hours Vancouver)	Women have a birthday party. Check. The cops show up. Check. Women mistake cops for strippers. Wait, what?	(77)
	Cakes made of mud become staple in Haiti as food soars beyond what average family can afford. Golden Corral angrily defends its emergency airlift, claiming no one has ever complained about its dessert bar before	(286)
	Okay, everyone can sleep, the phony Joker has been arrested. Latest reports indicate his cellmate was going to show him another way to make a pencil disappear	(124)
(wltx.com)	I would buy some drugs, if I could only find a handpainted sign on two wooden stakes advertising them in a front yard. What's this? Well, nevermind	(46)

Mon July 28, 2008

(Some Guy)	Qantas never crashes, but they're coming pretty damn close as another one of their jets plunges from the sky	(46)
(Some Guy)	Pregnant women charged with prostitution as part of a preggo hooker ring with a webpage. With ready-to-drop pics	(228)
(Some Guy)	Tighter budgets are forcing lots of people to quit going to the gym. Good thing food is too damn expensive as well	(93)
	Bush gives Army permission to whack its privates	(190)
	Academia finally discovers comic books. University of Florida students can even now earn a Master's in "comic studies"	(153)
	If you're sick of "metrosexual" and "manscaping", you're really going to hate "guy-liner" and "manscara", available soon on an orange Guido near you	(303)
	94 years ago today, Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia and the Great War began. Meet the last surviving American soldier in the conflict and, presumably, the inheritor of the Flying Hellfish treasure	(110)
	U.S. facing possible hearing loss epidemic. Here comes the silence	(159)
	80 year-old former Olympic hurdler banned from running up the down escalator at department store. Next thing you know, they'll take away his scissors	(30)
(Some Guy)	The Mountain Of Sin That Threatens To Destroy America: Pornography, Abortion, Sexual Sin, Divorce, Murder, Greed, Torture & Child Abuse	(294)
	Hving solvd all of the st's othr prblms, Illinois lwmkrs wnt 2 mk txting n wlking illegal	(76)
	Photoshop John McCain's new campaign poster. Difficulty: No pancakes	(162)
	McCain has dark spot removed from face for biopsy. That's racist	(102)
	Religious groups gather at Mobil gas stations to pray for lower pump prices. "If politicians couldn't lower gas prices, it was time to ask God to intervene"	(216)
	Americans drove 9,800,000,000 miles less this month, representing the largest decrease in driven miles in history. Why do Americans hate America?	(192)
	You are mentally ill	(227)
(kgw.com)	Chihuahuas, nude beach, collapsable baton. Then it got weird	(104)
	NRO channels Spinal Tap manager Ian Faith: "It's not that John McCain isn't popular, it's just that his appeal is becoming more selective."	(166)
	"7 Tips for Brian Williams for His Interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." "Bring Kleenex to wipe off the spittle" and "ask for a review of his meds" strangely absent	(137)
	The Berlin bump goes thump as Gallup now has the old guy up by 4%	(786)
	If you plan to break into someone's home and rob it, you probably shouldn't take 15 valiums first	(35)
	HuffPo uses reality to deny reality: Runs list of stories "ignored" by mainstream media, almost all of which were run by The New York Times, CNN and the AP	(95)
(New West)	Montanans receive the least spam email. Which is not surprising, since their Internet has to be hauled in once a month by covered wagon	(117)
	Prince William County cracks down on illegals, sees 19.3 percent drop in crime the next quarter while its neighbor sees 22 percent increase in crime. There is no connection, however, we're sure	(788)
	Twenty-nine percent of people in a committed relationship admitted to lying to their partner about their spending habits, the other 71 percent are better liars	(386)
	Bush sets new record deficit of $490 billion. Of course, that's excluding war costs	(382)
	NJ Assemblyman Coehn (D-ownloaded kiddie pron) resigns	(171)
(Swamp Politics)	Bob Novak joins a growing list of conspirators suicided by brain tumor	(376)
	Ugly-ass Chinese pig monkey a burden for family: "It's hideous. No one will be willing to buy it, and it scares the family to even look at it" (with pic)	(170)
	China proves they can be just as weird as Japan by eating grits, sticks of butter, oysters, jalapenos and cow brains	(64)
	Fifteen reasons why Mr. Rogers is better than your neighboor. This is CNN	(133)
(Some Guy)	Russia and Georgia on the brink of war. This had better not interrupt the supply of peanuts and peaches	(227)
(Destin Log)	Man arrested for practicing his pants-fu on a group of women	(39)
	Wisconsin apparently rehabilitates alcoholic prisoners by taking them to the local watering hole	(32)
	Because Japan hasn't been strange enough this month: The annual Belly Button Festival	(59)
	Qantas emergency landing trifecta now in play	(35)
(Steve's Digicams)	Photoshop this woman with a bunch of crap on her head	(75)
(Some Guy)	Russia to outlaw emo culture because it encourages depression and social withdrawal. How this differs from actually being Russian still unclear	(147)
	There are now minorities on Nantucket / And at first they said "whoda thunk it?" / But the increase in crime / With the cops' overtime / Cause the residents to say "we're outta here"	(294)
	Stones sign new record deal. Rider calls for them to be fed their dinner promptly at 4:30 p.m., with corn carefully removed from cob	(63)
	Latest indication people are taking financial meltdown seriously? They're cutting back on their beer drinking	(92)
	Dutch man is shocked to discover that someone had planted marijuana in amongst his fine begonias. That's his story, and he's sticking to it	(84)
	Mexican family has been using banks and Treasury offices all over the country to exchange nearly $20 million in badly decaying cash of uncertain origin for clean new bills. Suprisingly, no one has a problem with that	(101)
(Monterey Herald)	Three men lured to hotel room by three women are told to undress for the best and biggest orgy they'd ever dreamed of. Because this is Fark, you know how this turns out	(180)
	Woman punched in face at Yogi's Bar & Grill, suffers serious boo-boo	(38)
(Gainesville Sun)	After years of liberal hatred kept a Wal-Mart Supercenter out of Gainesville, article covers the suburban apocalypse that followed its arrival. Just kidding, the whole neighborhood is happy	(418)
(Some Guy)	Allegedly drunk driver crashes car and ejects himself onto roof of the house he hit. Taa-daa	(38)
	Poet's sword stolen from museum. Pen claims victory	(37)
	"If you've ever thought about cashing in with your own Will Ferrell vehicle, it's actually easier than you think." How to write one in eight easy steps	(109)
	Sam the Cooking Guy tells Kathy Lee to STFU, ends his career at the same time	(294)
	It's the British Army versus rabbits in an impromptu sequel to "Night of the Lepus"	(77)
	Simultaneous terrorist bomb attacks reported in Istanbul and Constantinople	(119)
	If you're claiming your illegal strip club is actually a "performing arts center," you'll probably want to keep the sherriff's under-age niece off the stage	(176)
	If you've had a few drinks and decide to drive home anyway, try not to crash into any police cruisers. Especially if you're an off-duty cop yourself	(40)
	After 12 years of trial, Spain brings us the melon that taste like lemon. All the acidy zest of a lemon, now in large, inconvenient size. Thanks for nothin', Spain	(77)
	It's the hottest month of the year, so why not cool down with a nice refreshing glass of eel?	(45)
	Whale blows bubble rings, onlookers astounded	(55)
	Hoodie teen poses with gun on Bebo, promptly breaks down in tears when police raid his parents' home as a result. Gangsta	(278)
	It's a sure sign a marriage will last when the groom starts bashing his brother's head against a nearby car at the wedding, and then the bride and other guests start beating each other up	(43)
	Mystery hairs recovered from the foothills of the Himalayas have not yeti been linked to any known animal species	(110)
	Well, ahem, I'm not particularly good at thinking up good headlines or anything, uh, but would you sleep with me?	(359)
	Man drowns in river during baptism ceremony. So much for the "river of life"	(183)
	Residents of Salinas, California are being asked to fast for a week to fight gang violence. "Historical figures such as Ghandi and Cesar Chavez used it as a tool to achieve a desired social outcome and it worked"	(70)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this collection of happy hands	(50)
	The No. 1 reason Miami is at the bottom of the barrel in volunteering is: "Busy lives." No. 2? Waiting to see if Horatio is dead in next season's "CSI: Miami" premiere	(64)
	City official praises closing highway lanes because they're safer. Yes, it's hard to get in a serious accident when you can only go three miles per hour	(58)
	UPS truck fills in for hearse at former driver's funeral. Body last scanned at hub in Purgatory, awaiting final delivery	(80)