Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-07-20 23:59:59'

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Sun July 20, 2008

	Yuppie communities struggle with loss of Starbucks stores. Yuppie: "Now that it's going away, we're devastated." Sometimes living in America can be hard. People just don't understand how we have to struggle to survive here	(259)
	Lynwood, Illinois passes an ordinance that would levy $25 fines against anyone showing three inches or more of their underwear in public	(252)
	Passenger strips nude, tries to open an emergency exit door in mid-flight. Taa-daa	(62)
	Not news: Hoodie thugs cause trouble, local man photographs hoodie thugs. News: Hoodie thugs call police, accuse man of assult. Fark: Cop arrives and agrees with hoodie thugs, warns man not to take pictures	(81)
(Donklephant.com)	Crazy ad from the 1920s: Eat! Eat! Eat! ... and always stay thin! With tape worms	(104)
	Police save drowning man, then shoot him to death	(80)
	Man goes on mission to catch the world's biggest stingrays. What could possibly go... CRIKEY	(28)
	Marijuana patches found in Rolling Greens	(50)
	112-year old guy who has spent half his life in a mental hospital spends his days drawing pictures of his youth. Which could sell for thousands of dollars	(63)
	Thomas Jefferson's Bible reveals that he could have REALLY used a word processor. Oh, and he didn't believe any of that miracle hocus-pocus either	(329)
	Despite what kids say around the rest of the county, students in Iowa claim abstinence education works. "I know it will be hard."	(60)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these MIRV techs	(37)
(Super)	Caption this curious cat	(76)
	Five ways reality caught up to science fiction this century. Number five does too count	(89)
	A reporter's purse is stolen while covering a police lockdown of an entire neighborhood after seven people are shot. Guess what part of that statement gets its own story?	(27)
	2008 Dayton Airshow: F-22 demonstration at 10:30; aerobatic biplane at 11:00; Northwest Airlines 757 with 182 passengers making a single engine emergency landing at show center at noon	(64)
	George and Laura Bush to divorce after the presidential election because of George's secret love affair with Condoleezza Rice. It's not news it's Pravda	(162)
	St. Louis police have to keep seizing cars from people accused of crimes because the police chief's daughter keeps taking them out of impound and wrecking them in drunk driving accidents	(157)
	After a 95 year ban, absinthe is back and better than ever	(176)
	Polish immigrants to the UK given welcome packs with advice about fitting in: "Complain about the rain", "Boil all your food to a soggy pulp", and "Stop going to the dentist"	(84)
	Voters choose "Some Campaignin'" over "Homemade Porn"	(36)
	Maybe banning the booth babes from the E3 gaming conference wasn't such a good idea, after all	(129)
	Dolly motorboating in the Carribean. Expected to hit several islands in the stream	(97)
	Remember folks, when you ban knives, only chefs... er, criminals will have knives. And Boy Scouts. Never forget those sneaky Boy Scouts	(110)
	What is a casino to do as they struggle to maintain their high cash flow in a strapped economy? If they are like Illinois, they make the odds favor them even more	(75)
(WSB-TV)	Rapper Lil Scrappy stabbed and arrested in Atlanta. Police continue looking for van with an idiot, a know-it-all, a bimbo, a stoner, and a large talking dog	(98)
	"Dear Miss Manners: Is it rude to go ahead and put my boat in the water if the local church group doing a baptism at the end of the boat ramp is taking too damn long?"	(357)
	Tropical Storm Cristobal continues to strengthen off North Carolina coast. Okay EVERYBODY, you know the PANIC routine by now	(48)
(Some Smooth Guy)	Photoshop one laid-back soul brother	(60)
	Hi-tech distractions cause chronic time-wast - hang on, lemme go check my email, texts, Flickr, Facebook, Myspace and RSS feeds before submitting this headline	(58)
	Sorry hippies... scientists have discovered that people who eat a lot of soy have more memory loss. Or that might be from weed. One of those two. Anyway dude, you're boned	(90)
	The David Copperfield of aviation is back in the news with the same result	(25)
	College-bound vets complain that colleges are unreceptive to their requests to have sorority women bathed and brought to them	(230)
	The Amber Alert system is more effective as theater than as a way to protect children	(67)
	"911." "My house is on fire! Please send the fire department!" "Will that be cash or charge?"	(106)
	General David Petraeus says Al-Queda may already be following Obama's plan of shifting resources from Iraq to Afghanistan	(56)
	Never mind your 9-11 post traumatic stress problems. This guy was so freaked out by the 7-7 London bombings he changed sex	(49)
	Pope warns crowd that spiritual emptiness often accompanies material wealth. He then adjusted his silk robes, waved his golden sceptre and was driven off to his private Lear	(130)
	Caption what Obama is saying to the troops	(253)
	Coolest pics you'll see today of a hungry leopard and fearsome crocodile. "It just doesn't make sense. The meat you get out of a crocodile is just not worth the risk." (warning: pics of lep-on-croc violence)	(133)
	That lobster you eat today could make you sick tomalley	(85)
	Nice try, Obamaniacs, but Iraq's leader doesn't actually support withdrawal	(537)
	Virgina residents get all sandy about duck hunters, say gunshots wake them up, stress them out, scare their children, make their dogs snicker uncontrollably	(84)
	Well-heeled squeal but feel Japanese eel is worth more greenmeal, shun Chinese eel deals with real zeal. Still yields more appeal as a meal than seal or veal, study reveals	(34)
	Man pulled over for a minor traffic violation jumps out of his car, strips naked, and runs off on foot	(34)
	Congress answers to high gas prices... a ten-cent gas tax increase	(364)
	Electrical utility worker digs hole and is SHOCKED... that's it. No cliche here	(28)
	How to escape from jail: Step 1: lose weight	(34)
	♪ When the Moon hits the ground, with a big booming sound, that's amore ♫	(49)
(Big Takeover)	Photoshop Devo's Mark Mothersbaugh taking aim	(41)
	After a lot of legwork, and a kick in the pants, Vancouver Police get a toehold in mystery feet investigation. Still, it's a ticklish matter and the truth may stink	(24)
	European Union bans Peking Duck. Dicks	(114)
	Hero dog saves elderly woman from attack by rogue kangaroo. Cat still petrified at thought of biggest mouse he ever saw	(42)

Sat July 19, 2008

(Some Guy)	In Mississippi, they don't flog the Bishop; they execute him	(91)
	Some are disappointed after cops bust a strip clup that let you have sex with porn stars, offered cocaine, and a provided a free cold-cuts buffet. "It was f- - -ing awesome"	(185)
	Firefighter rescues crispy 6-month-old black bear cub from California wildfire. (story w/ slideshow)	(62)
	US Air Force installing Weighted Companion Cubes on aircraft shuttling top military leaders, despite Congress telling them not to -- twice	(205)
	As much as 75 percent of San Francisco's "homeless" street panhandlers have a home--in taxpayer-funded housing. What a great way to spend $186 million a year	(338)
	Vegas now has eBay slot machines. Photoshop what a Fark slot machine would look like	(38)
	Researchers at Institute for the Painfully Obvious discover that you can conserve water by cleaning your driveway with a broom instead of a hose. Surprisingly elusive broom trifecta complete	(49)
	Man earns PhD from Cambridge at age 91, tells all the other whippersnappers to get off his lawn. Bonus: His PhD is in trainspotting	(53)
	Most baggage thefts are committed by "homeless people who lurk in the baggage claim area." Of course, the TSA would never EVER steal stuff and aren't even worth mentioning in the article	(202)
	Be green by keeping your nostrils clean: Maybe upscale American cocaine users would quit if they knew what growing coca leaves does to the environment	(136)
(Some Guy)	Elevator to space could be ready in 25 years, begging the question: What would you do if you could go?	(368)
	Tropical depression strengthens near the Carolinas. EVERYBODY, SURF'S UP	(70)
	Would you STAND on a cross-country flight, just to save 50% on the ticket price? A surprising number of people say yes. And you thought flying sucks NOW	(152)
(The Manila Times)	The UN, with nothing better to do, sends a strongly worded letter telling people to drive safely	(25)
(Some Clown)	"Disturbed", "Decried", "Out of control" in news article describing a) local crime, b) local property taxes, c) candy thrown from local parade? Won't someone think of the children? Oh. Wait	(55)
	Which Jim Carrey movie inspired a new mental illness? The answer may surprise you	(199)
(Some Guy)	How to make a chocolate cake in five minutes	(141)
(Some Guy)	Sometimes there are sacrifices to be made for your art. Like, having to amputate your big toe to take the regionals in the US Air Guitar Championship	(51)
	"Ladies and gentlemen, O'Hare airport welcomes Mexicana Airlines 802, now arriving at gate 11 . . . 12 . . . 13 . . . 14 . . . 15 . . ."	(115)
	Sory rode a skateboard, like a kid out in the rain. Then he lost his life in O'Fallon, he was dancing with a train	(120)
	Needle exchange worker injected with some Texas justice, charged with possession of drug paraphernalia by legal sticklers at the San Antonio DA's office. Pricks	(73)
(Some Guy)	Raw video of today's Riverview Square building implosion, including super slo-mo ending	(62)
(Some Pennsyltuckian)	News: Murder for hire plot busted. Fark: NASCAR memorabilia used as payment	(22)
	Hula hoops make a comeback. You know, for flakes	(50)
	Nanny State wants to shrink your drinks. Dinks	(74)
(WHP)	Man interrupted from beating up two women: "Just shoot me! Go ahead, I dare you! Shoot me!" Passerby with concealed .45: "BANG"	(494)
(Walkscore website)	LA, Chicago, are surprisingly walkable cities. Who knew?	(92)
	Hot teacher on student action will soon be punished by a mandatory minimum ten year prison sentence in Massachusetts	(47)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these pollen grains without sneezing	(40)
	New York City, frustrated at the lack of progress on the 9/11 memorial, hopes to really get things straightened out by ... appointing comedian Billy Crystal to the memorial's board of directors	(72)
	FINAL REMINDER: NYC Fark Party, tonight at 4, Bohemian Hall, Astoria. Grab your favorite Bohemian and come drinnk beer with us	(131)
	Somehow you just know that Stewie Griffin was involved in the planning and execution of this smuggling plot	(22)
(Some xkcd Guy)	Running for office. xkcd style	(211)
	Oil prices tumble in biggest weekly drop ever. Gas prices to drop at pumps in 3... 2... oh, who are we kidding	(144)
	Shopkeepers forbidden to use brooms on Montreal sidewalks because that's a union job. Ridiculous broom regulation trifecta in play	(73)
	That traffic jam yesterday morning in Philly where police closed down several downtown streets? It was caused by a runaway puppy (w/cute pics)	(27)
(WTOV 9 Stubenville)	So he huffed, and he puffed, and proved he's a Fark cliché	(187)
	Man sues storeowner under Americans with Disabilities Act for refusing to let him wear his inline skates in the store	(55)
	Not News: Van driver stops to ask for directions. News: Handcuffed, shackled prisoner steals prison transport van. Fark: Dude, she's 13	(29)
	We've secretly replaced over 100 kilos of cocaine in the police evidence locker with fine talcum powder. Let's see if anyone notices the difference	(34)
	So you never thought you'd get a chance to travel in space	(41)
	Cat curfew cancelled. Felines free to frolic. Happy Caturday	(466)
	The big one that didn't get away: Fisherman hooks a drowning man and reels him to shore	(24)
	"Octopus sex man" avoids jail because he has low self-esteem and the judge noted that he was self-concious about his teeth	(59)
	Ice cream man busted for smoking pot in his truck. Police found him with slurred speech, dilated pupils, and chocolate syrup all over his face	(46)
	Canada debates whether it is better to back in or back oot. Er, out	(90)
	Scientists say the louder the music the faster you drink. I'd have a funnier headline, but ish too hard to hear in here. "Here here." Dash funny. Y'know what yer prooblem is? I'll tell yer what yer prolbem ish, pal	(38)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this subterranean beachcomber	(37)
	"Chunky" woman robs Portland-area tanning salon. She's still at large	(35)
	British man arrested for having sex with sheep, will be charged with bestiality in London and copyright infringement in Scotland	(50)
(Some Guy)	Real estate agent wins five-figure award after complaining that her boss ordered her to get smaller boobs. Submitter is now certain this world has gone insane (pic)	(100)
	Batman is this guy's hero. In a really sad, pathetic and creepy way	(78)
	Magnitude 6.6 quake hits east coast of Japan. No, this isn't a repeat	(45)
	Columnist writes about how Americans don't know what irony is, manages to define irony incorrectly. Fark Irony Police, time to do your thing	(231)
(Some Guy)	78% of workers in the US feel burned out. The rest must be drinking and reading Fark	(120)

Fri July 18, 2008

	Reporter suspects McDonald's customers may be shocked by 1,130 calories for Big Mac, medium fries, and medium soda. Unlikely tag busy supersizing order	(252)
	New hotness: Spontaneously combusting flowerpots	(50)
(Some Guy)	Odds of writing a New York Times best seller: 1 in 220. We're looking at you Drew	(86)
	Neighbor sees elaborate pirate ship-shaped tree house from his window and complains to city hall. Judge rules city bylaws violation, sinks down ship. Ninjas unavailable for comment	(71)
	Theme: Lesser-known Knights of the Round Table	(82)
	TSG's weekly mugshot roundup: The eyes have it	(173)
	The Jim Smith Society Fun Fest starts today. Last year's winner of the golf tournament, Jim Smith, will be returning to defend his title against Jim Smith. If you'd rather go to the museum, please contact Jim Smith	(35)
	The new Chevy Avalanche gets 12 mpg in the city, costs $130 to fill up the tank, and it still has a long list of morons who want to buy one	(306)
	1991: Crazy woman stabs other pregnant woman to try to steal her baby. 2008: Same crazy woman shows up at hospital with baby she claims she purchased	(61)
	Parents are encouraged to add more leafy greens into their kids' lunches, but not this way	(33)
	Woman crashes into eye doctor's office. Customers report to that the license plate read E, FP, TOZ, LPED and then was too small to read	(32)
	Transcendent sex: better than an ordinary orgasm, it is said to involve a Divine Force. OH GOD OH GOD OH GODDDDDD	(130)
	Mom who punished her daughter with carwash sprayer to stand trial. The kid's wax coat will just have to wait	(55)
(Some Guy)	Couple with no friends invites everyone to their wedding reception by taking out an ad in the local newspaper	(67)
(WWL)	One cop suspended for road rage and waving a gun around at a day care, another for trying to run over a fellow officer. Tough week at the New Orleans Police Department	(28)
	McCain announces Obama will visit Iraq this weekend as part of congressional delegation visit, normally unannounced for security reasons	(225)
(Loveland)	Kids trade their '07 Bic for a '98 Mazda. Flammability index remains the same	(31)
	Meet the woman responsible for making Crocs shoes uglier than they were already. Turns out that was possible	(119)
	Math Wars: The Parent Rebellion	(251)
	Man solicits help finding his prosthetic leg. Last seen: about 3,000 ft. in the air	(19)
	For dead and six injured in yet another crane collapse in Houston	(108)
	Wife won't give you a divorce? Take a fake wife with you to court and get the divorce granted immediately	(37)
	Barbie now has to look upon "Bratz" dolls as a her unwanted, mentally-challenged, annoyingly-sassy, slutty little sister in a unanimous court decision	(101)
	Getting blasted in the face with pepper spray has never felt so good	(32)
	Overachieving driver in SUV crashes into a house, jumps over a car in the driveway of a second house, hits the second car, drives thorugh the garage of the second house and slams into a car at a third home. Alcohol may have been a factor	(48)
(wisn.com)	What do you do when your cop buddy wants to kill himself? c.) Shoot him in the leg, of course	(52)
	Carpenters forbidden to use brooms on job sites because they're too dangerous. "I know health and safety is important but I believe in the future you won't be able to sneeze without filling in a form"	(52)
	NPR reports that people in Ohio are are having a hard time finding food to eat - well, except the two ladies they show as examples	(219)
	Psychological evaluations cannot be used as a surgical tool to cut out employees from a 30-year career. Hear that Postal Workers?	(35)
	"I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' neighbors who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch."	(51)
	Bike store owner finds novel way to get cheap inventory - steal bikes from across the street	(72)
	Top 10 TV scientists. Does not include the professor from "Gilligan's Island," who should get a frickin' Nobel Prize for his work with shells, palm fronds and idiotic lab assistants	(149)
	Step 1: Report (fake) fire in Maggie Gyllenhaal's apartment complex. Step 2: Take pictures when she runs out with her baby. Step 3: Profit	(264)
	Pope urges all faiths to unite against violence, apparently not realizing that they are the main cause of the problem in the first place	(649)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this man and his flowers	(51)
	Fark's favorite Girl Scout cookie money thief is out of juvie and back home, hopes to steal some Salvation Army donation buckets next	(109)
(News 14 Carolina)	Reasons to make firecrackers at home - let me count the ways. Oops, I can only get up to seven now	(89)
	In exchange for $100,000, parents of the year offer to name their new baby son after radio hosts. Just kidding, they did it for a $100 gas card	(73)
	Construction resumes on North Korea's "Hotel of Doom"; however, critics say it's not nearly as good as the one with the cup or the one that melts your face. Doomy pic included	(129)
	One-Week Notice: NJ Fark Party July 26th in Morristown. DIT	(82)
	Canadian Supreme Court rules that people become defective at age 65	(106)
	It was inevitable: it is now cheaper and more efficient to ship your luggage instead if taking it with you on your airline flight. Bonus: it's trackable and gets lost a lot less often	(112)
(Independent Mail)	Man uses Louisville Slugger in hopes of casting the demon of homosexuality out of his son by hitting him with it	(391)
(Some Guy)	Man runs up $44,000 bill on stolen gas card by buying premium for just about everyone he meets. "He just went crazy"	(33)
	Police use undercover agents to successfully infiltrate and spy on domestic networks. Of anti-death penalty protestors	(137)
	You know your company is in serious trouble when a $2.5 billion loss and the laying off of 6,000 employees is above expectations	(39)
	CNN, owned by Time Warner, publishes second straight top headline about "The Dark Knight", a film made by Warner Brothers, owned by Time Warner, and based on Batman, published by DC Comics, also owned by Time Warner	(151)
	Even after fourteen months of primaries and early campaigning, nearly half of all independent voters still can't decide between Changey McChange and Jowly McGrump	(122)
	Iran sees 'positive' nuclear talks with U.S.; U.S. sees positive nuclear 'talks' with Iran	(59)
(Some Guy)	Newspaper doesn't want anyone to forget Canadian "Vietnam vets" who "helped push North Korean invaders from South Korea in the 1950's"	(61)
	Billy Joel says goodbye to Cuban guerilla leader Shea Stadium. On the way out he helps start the demolition with his volvo	(107)
	The Military has spent $16 million of anti-terror funds designing Comfort Capsules, areas on planes with leather seats for Generals. After Congress told them twice they will never be allowed to actually put them in any planes	(131)
	Obama travels to foreign lands and is followed by an entourage of fawning network news anchors. McCain takes three similar trips, not a single anchor. Media bias FTW	(629)
	Break out the Grey Goose: Staten Island's guidos stand up in defense of da ladiez	(458)
(Some Guy)	Los Angeles mayor strongly disagrees with reports that over 25 percent of LA's students drop out. He wants recognition that it's closer to half	(74)
	Actual headline: "Broward Starts Spraying For Skeeters"....South Florida, proving rednecks exist everywhere	(67)
	Oregon State Hospital, site of the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" to be torn down. Nurse Ratched unavailable for comment	(82)
	Owner of the "Laugh Factory" wants Jesse Jackson to pay a fine for using the N-word	(319)
	Police recruiting car wins award for design because "it's got bling." That's some fine detective work, Lou	(38)
	PETA would like to remind us all to spay and neuter our kids	(178)
(1000 Awesome Things)	A Friday tribute to old, dangerous playground equipment ("Who remembers hot metal slides and merry-go-rounds with maximum G-forces tossing kids everywhere?")	(473)
	World's . . . slowest . . . five . . . thousand . . . gallon . . . spill . . . ever . . . in . . . Texas	(109)
(chicagotribune.com)	One way to get out of a $80K property tax bill: Get yourself a online pastor's degree and make your house a tax-exempt church	(118)
(Some Guy)	Want to make better chocolate chip cookies? Put the dough in a vacuum sealed bag. (W/NSFDiet pics)	(77)
	Yale professor of physiology has scientifically proven that's impossible to get drunk on beer. Fark: Proved this in 1955	(119)
(Some Happy Guy)	Photoshop the new Miss Universe	(65)
	Mississippi in danger of sinking into Gulf of Mexico	(151)
	Activist judge rules that the police cannot arrest you based on the way you smell	(81)
	Ashley Dupre, dental assistant, sues Ashley Dupre, governor's call girl, for having the same name	(77)
(Houston Press)	Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions... Or is it?	(264)
	San Francisco ballot measure to name sewage plant after President Bush certified for November ballot	(446)
(Some Guy)	Girl interrogated by three police officers and a security guard for hours in drugstore after she painted one fingernail with nail polish to see how it looked before buying it. Nanny State strikes again (pic)	(142)
(PennLive)	Peeping Tom busted thanks to the GPS tracker he was required to wear upon release from prison. With that-explains-everything mugshot goodness	(31)
(Charleston Gazette)	And the Darwin Award for Most Courteous goes to...	(115)
	Do you know what divine intervention is? God came down from heaven and used this watermelon to stop these motherfarking bullets	(90)
	Porn star Belladonna says priests need to watch porn to help them learn more about sex, prevent sex abuse cases. Offers to donate 300 of her own movies and donate her own time time to help priests learn to deal with sexual tension	(289)
	Shooting reporters at a press conference is not the best way to demonstrate a successful gun control program	(85)
	Abusive drunk man tries to open plane door in midair, captain decides to drop him off at the Bermuda Triangle	(44)
	New Zealand's next census may ask about sexual preferences, with choice of gay, straight or bi. "Sheep" strangely off list	(52)
	Leaping lawsuits. Mom sues school district over bat-infested halls at her kid's school. Ka-pow	(32)
(Some Ba'al)	Photoshop this golden calf. Difficulty: No Krylon®	(53)
(WIBW)	Parachutist lands on Army band. Trombowned. (With video goodness.)	(140)

Thu July 17, 2008

	New at the Denver Zoo: An animal believed to be an evil omen with the body of a monkey, the tail of a squirrel and a rodent-like face. Have fun, kids. With photos	(101)
	In what is sure to be another online classic, passed out dad caught on video in car with his three kids and his friend who leans over to whisper, "They're taking the kids." Jailarity ensues (with video, photos)	(87)
	Dear Penthouse Forum: I never thought this would happen to me, but, I'm a patient in the hospital and...	(162)
	NJ Mayor angers NY residents in Newsletter: "we're not sure if the glass was stuck to her hand cause of all the hair spray or if this is a technique Staten Island girls learn in Brownies"	(107)
	Study: 20 percent of people in a locality are without utilities in their homes. Reality: The majority of them are squatters breaking into vacant homes	(64)
	Arizona state appeals court rules that illegal aliens can be prosecuted under human-smuggling law for smuggling themselves	(220)
	Thousands of British schoolchildren drink six pints of beer a week. Lightweights	(38)
	Fire that destroyed a Nebraska home caused by cat knocking over a candle, presumably while it was looking for its stapler	(85)
	Must be all them piggly-wigglies 'n good scalds on fried chickens	(169)
(Some Guy)	Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr holds blogger conference call. Three bloggers show up. Triples exposure	(212)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Russian silver pentaptych	(36)
(Some Guy)	Man gives new meaning to heat stroke after blaming hot weather for fondling himself on front porch	(68)
	Officer impersonates Juan Montoya, wrecks squad car 29 minutes into first day on job	(79)
(Lowell Sun)	Does anyone care about broken bridges when you have the worst intersection in the state? Massachusetts does	(76)
	Arguing with the cop that just busted you for doing 150km/h in a 60 zone - bad. Telling him that you could actually have made it up to over 200 - a little worse	(93)
	♫ We all live in a cocaine submarine ♫ cocaine submarine ♫ cocaine submarine ♫	(93)
(Some Guy)	"I don't remember a time in our country when so many things seemed to be going so wrong simultaneously," Gore said, having never heard of the Great Depression, the Revolutionary War, the Civil War or the World Wars	(595)
	I'll see your offensive cartoon of McCain no one cared about and raise you another offensive cartoon of McCain no one will care about, this one featuring racially stereotyped caricatures to boot	(201)
	"Mom, 4 Kids Found Living In Home Of Filth On L.I." Rest of Long Island now expecting police at their door too	(103)
	New I35W bridge in Minneapolis should be completed just ahead of the conclusion of a lawsuit over which firm should build it. Wait, what?	(89)
	Where are the 12 part retrospectives on the unsolved murders of Slim Fuzz, Block-Block and Lil Tubb? And what of Lil' Fuzz, and Rock Rock? Pootie? Pookie? I guess we can't all have a Congressman falsely accused of our murder 7 years ago	(54)
	Here's another Fark interview. Bonus: It's with a hot chick	(208)
(Some Guy)	Safety tip: If an opera singer is getting out of hand at the bar, just leave him alone	(63)
	Shop assistant takes push-broom to a hammer fight -- and wins (with video)	(66)
	Editorial cartoonists "disappearing faster than brunette anchors at Fox News"	(133)
	Sen. Carl Levin wants to shut down some giant Swiss bank; makes no attempt to do anything about Mentos commercials	(118)
	Forget all the nativist naysayers -- on a global level, we're actually in the middle of an explosive boom in the size of the middle class	(168)
(Some eBay wonk)	The 10 most bizarre bits of political memorabilia that you can buy right now	(53)
	The most awesome subvocal calculation on a game show -- Jack Black on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"	(176)
	Filmgoers shocked to discover that "Donkey Punch" is a vile, soft-core slasher pic and not the uplifting story about a young donkey and his fruit punch recipe	(491)
(Newburyport News)	In a post-9/11 world, we must not ask why but simply trust the government when it tells us that a rusty old bridge raining 30 foot steel beams on the river below is safe to travel	(126)
	The U.S. is going to establish a diplomatic presence in Iran. This will be followed up by a military presence	(318)
	After slashing programs due to budget concerns, city comissioners approve pensions for themselves. Retroactive. To the day they took office. Guess the state	(62)
	He led an escape from a German POW camp and could make alcohol with a potato and a trombone when he wasn't buzzing people having sex in barns. Godspeed and farewell, Squadron Leader Frank Day	(99)
	"Springfield woman's lawsuit alleges discrimination against her monkey"	(87)
	Mother-of-the-year candidate forgets to report her two-year-old is missing for five weeks because she's busy with "her own investigation" (with pics)	(424)
	Step 1: Go to a strip club. Step 2: Get slapped by a stripper. Step 3: Profit. Bonus: Slap occured in Funkstown	(78)
(Charleston Daily Mail)	West Virginia attorney general warns restaurants that they don't need to display posters telling employees to wash hands	(66)
(Trentonian)	Okay, which one of you Farkers is writing headlines for the Trentonian?	(113)
	If God doesn't want us to enjoy this delicious meal, may he strike us down right BANG	(50)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these amateur athletes	(53)
	What do you do after hitting two pedestrians while DUI, killing one? Post your mugshot and pictures of you smoking pot to MySpace, of course. With bonus statement by moron mom: "He just ran a red light and got into a car accident"	(1435)
(World Affairs)	America will soon no longer be the world's greatest power, according to "expert" predictions every year for more than 60 years	(260)
	With only one eye, a withered ear, three legs and skin ravaged by cancer, nine-year-old Gus has been crowned the world's ugliest dog, narrowly edging out Paris Hilton	(79)
	They're called Air Stab, one featuring the phrase "Runnin n Gunnin," but Nike says they don't actually glorify street violence	(81)
	If the fire department shuts down your hotel because electricity is shut off and you're running extension cords to rooms, don't blame "colored riffraff" for your problems	(47)
	Boeing says that if any tanker competition compares size, capacity or cost, they'll hold their breath until they turn blue	(128)
	Remember the kid who played Andy Keaton on "Family Ties"? Well the Boulder court system sure does, and he's not exactly cute anymore... (with scary pic)	(276)
	Scientists announce a new way to weigh black holes. Expect protests from Dallas Commisioner John Wiley Price any day now	(106)
	Lightning bolt rings doorbell, waking sleeping couple	(50)
	"Battlestar Galactica" and "The Wire" lead this year's Emmy nominations. Just kidding, but here's what they really did nominate	(295)
	A white zeppelin the size of Moby Dick flies over London and leaves spectators dazed and confused. Friends from over the hills and far away want to know how many more times they can ride in it in the evening before going to California	(121)
	"Da-da-da-da-daaa I'm robbin it!" McDonald's robber is finalist in jingle contest for McDonald's	(59)
	The $4 billion Big Dig which absolutely positively will not cost a penny over $15 billion will now cost $22 billion thanks to interest-only loans and other numbers games	(192)
	Road which runs alongside Stonehenge could be closed to protect the site's future. No one knows who the original road builders were or what they were doing	(94)
	Couple report case of consensual Satanic sadomasochism gone awry in Durham, North Carolina. Blue Devils suck	(210)
	Study confirms that old men want you to get off their lawn more than old women	(63)
	Man uses 1.6m matches, takes 10 years to build huge model of London's Tower Bridge in his garage. Now looking for dumb rich American to buy it and move it to Arizona (with photo)	(71)
	"The other day I was with someone and, as she walked into the room, her guardian angel opened up for me and I saw its golden wings in such detail. I could see the feathers individually"	(274)
	Exxam papir wif bad speeling scorze hiyer then proply speld wuns	(81)
	After her doctors couldn't do it, mother diagnoses her daughter's mysterious illness over the Internet. Turns out the girl suffered from a viral video, software bug and a lack of Viagra	(162)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this top piece of an artificial knee joint	(37)
	Canine of Peace™ bitten by Reptile of Peace™ in the Bronx. Air your rattlesnake outrage here (with video story)	(62)
	In another blow to Catholics, Bishop Pass was found with dead boy in Nevada	(175)
	Holy man forced to wear a hard hat to protect him from seagulls trying to smite him	(23)
	World's hottest new vacation destination? Iraq (pic)	(60)
	Twenty baby products guaranteed to terrify your newborn	(96)
	Flying US Scareways anytime soon? Weight 'til you hear this	(118)
	Woman sustains serious injuries after her car is hit by a sleeping driver. The good news is the sleeping driver was an off-duty police officer, and they totally know what to do in emergencies (with scary pic of cars)	(90)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 167: "Wind Beneath My Wings." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(221)

Wed July 16, 2008

(Some Guy)	Thief breaks into car and falls asleep inside with the car stereo in his hands. "We read him his Miranda rights and asked him if he wanted to remain silent. Then we woke him up."	(63)
	Woman sues bar for burning herself on flaming shot, plans to have McDonald's coffee to soothe the pain	(227)
	Frat ordered to pay $4.2 million after a pledge dies while binge-drinking. It's going to take a lot of keg parties to raise that kind of cash	(195)
	Protip: wearing a fake moustache during a bank robbery does not prevent the FBI from identifying you	(39)
	If Saudi Arabia and Iran tallied up their oil reserves, they could call Century 21 and make an offer on oceanfront property on both US coasts . . . everything in between	(243)
(Times Union)	Judge forces student to apologize to town for acting like a dick during his high school graduation	(71)
	Microsoft finally finds good use for cash wad: Pay people to use their search engine	(43)
	You never want to be roommates with a guy who hears voices in his head and gets boxes of knives in the mail	(65)
	Rome bans snacks at historic sites. Lions complain about inferior taste of cold, soggy Christians	(40)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this monkey oil lamp	(58)
(Inside Bay Area)	Actual headline: "Big police response to Sonoma doughnut store robbery"	(46)
(Columbia Tribune)	Woman climbs University power plant's 301-foot smokestack. Article includes "yep I'm crazy as a bat" pic	(109)
(Some Guy)	Governor of Illinois considers using National Guard to prevent Chicago from turning into Detroit	(136)
	One of the reasons McCain may have been so eager to accept public campaign financing: He found a loophole in the law he wrote that lets him raise another $62 million from private donors while keeping the public money	(140)
	Planning guide to Grandma's funeral- Nice casket: check. Favorite dress: check. Correct body: chec-heeeeyyyy wait a minute	(34)
(Some Organ Grinder)	Singapore Minister not ruling out legalizing organ trading. Which begs the question: are that many churches interested?	(47)
(Some Guy)	Church of $cientology banned from strip mall because they were handing out free stress tests to children. Hey, kids have space alien issues, too	(148)
	Look, buddy, it's simple. If you don't want to be on the secret TSA terrorism watchlist, then don't file a CNN news report critical of the secret TSA terrorism watchlist	(121)
	Men: why a hug from a woman does not mean "Have sex with me"	(364)
	MILFish math teacher learns that 17 does not go into 35 without a serious remainder	(176)
	Annoying prick with a blog meets pretentious coffee house asshole. Hilarity ensues	(233)
(KMGH)	Terrorist armed with AK-47 and banana clip at Home Depot turns out to be fat guy with nail gun looking for parts	(102)
	As if kids nowadays aren't screwed up enough, here she comes: S&M Barbie. The Sun is there, with whips and chains	(155)
	NATO forces hit target inside Pakistan after failing to receive memo that Obama is not in charge yet	(98)
	Police win the 2008 Bicycle Theft Triathlon Challenge	(24)
(Some Guy)	Woman in car with plates reading "TROUBLE" is in it, even after she offered sex to arresting officers to try and get out of it (pic)	(95)
	Colombian special forces that rescued Ingrid Betancourt may have been pretending to be Red Cross workers, which is a violation of the Geneva convention	(278)
	French stewardess wins trip into space after unwrapping winning chocolate bar, promptly destroys Golden Egg Room	(57)
	Washington, D.C. will start registering handguns. Of course, they will "take temporary possession of the gun to ensure safety." Gooooood luck with that	(351)
	"The point of tattoos used to be that everyone didn't have one - they branded you out and could band your group together - but now everyone has one"	(549)
(Charleston Daily Mail)	University finds way to "give back to the community." By selling condos for $700K-$1.5M. But only to people who donate $75K to the university. Bonus: Architect's MS Paint rendering	(77)
	1-800-Flowers.com employee is fired after her e-mail account is used to send a death threat to a critic of creationism. Guess there was no way to say it with flowers	(347)
	Israeli lifeguard discovers John McCain's frisbee	(60)
(The Courier-Journal)	Boy, 11, uses toy radar gun to slow speeders on his street	(141)
	Let's see... rock beats scissor, paintball gun beats rock, knife beats paintball gun	(18)
	Surgeon sued for giving patient temporary tattoo, eating all her Crackerjacks	(109)
(FrogSoda)	Caption this monkey	(111)
	High school student Santhosh Balasubramanian gets perfect score on SATs, extra credit for spelling his own name right, and regular atomic wedgies from his classmates	(137)
(Bozeman Comical)	Burglar steals bread from bakery, tosses dough into dumpster. Cops rise to the occasion, knead only a few minutes to catch him bread-handed. Any way you slice it, he's toast	(62)
	Bars in the Netherlands use fake cigarette smells to freshen up. This may say something about Dutch hygiene	(62)
	Good news: Wears a bikini every day to work. Bad news: "Bikini Man"	(54)
	Andy Dick arrested. Finally, some justice in this world (mugshot)	(343)
	NJ beach town's mayor uses his newsletter to ridicule his own tourists, poking fun at blondes, women from Staten Island and "Guidos"	(165)
	Wife: "I want a divorce." Husband: "Wow, that's a big word for a 10-year-old"	(274)
	Don't you hate it when you're the prime suspect in a murder case and you call 911 to turn yourself in and the dispatcher could care less? Yeah, me too	(76)
(Some Guy)	Woman eats mushrooms from rest stop, fails to achieve 1UP	(123)
	Guys, that hot smoking babe in accounting has totally been hitting on you. You're just too stupid to realize it	(326)
(Some Guy)	Rejected ideas for Care-Bear® characters. LGT inspiration	(83)
	No. 174 of things you don't want in your obituary: "Freak pigeon-hunting accident"	(28)
(Some Guy)	"This is your captain speaking, thank you for flying Skywest. That noise you heard was just a shattering window"	(16)
	Couple poisoned after eating grapes tainted with spider venom and a nest of babies found at the bottom of the bag	(151)
	The winner of the gold medal at the Olympic bobbing competition is... Great Britain	(19)
	Finally, beleaguered professional athletes unfairly targeted for their minor indiscretions have someone to turn to	(21)
	Steve Irwin gets revenge from the grave	(61)
(Jared Fogle)	Seven. Seven-inch. Knife in a footlong	(108)
	American Airlines pilots now racing for pinks	(42)
	NYT accused of breaking the cardinal rule of journalism: "No reporter may start a story with the word 'I' unless he's been shot in the groin"	(40)
	If you're going to carry two tons of pot in your boat, get a tune-up before you leave	(30)
	School of 30 fish walk through neighborhood (with pic goodness)	(74)
	Two men kill a teenager, decapitate him, and use his head as a bowling ball and a puppet. This is not Nam, there are rules	(123)
	U.S. Department of Transportation unveils new rule preventing airline tank explosions. Uhh, was this rule really needed?	(45)
	Strangest. Suicide. Ever	(176)
(Birmingham Mail)	Police in the UK on the look out for a terrifying new knife capable of instantly "exploding" its victims and freezing their internal organs. Whoa	(141)
	Hearing-impaired woman sues McDonald's after forcing her to order from the drive-thru speaker, rendering both sides of the conversation indecipherable	(146)
	Britain's "dumbest criminal" banned from posting videos of himself breaking the law on YouTube. How ever will they catch him now?	(7)
	Residents are frightened by thumping noises, call police, who break into apartment and find vicious white rabbit. After consulting the Book of Armaments, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch was then deployed	(83)
	Apparently, you can stop paying your mortgage: The mayor of Boston, dean of Harvard Law School, 60 of your neighbors and one man who'll chain his wheelchair to anything will help you keep your condo	(197)
	"Suicidal" British motorist banned from driving following high-speed chase with police, portions of which she drove on the correct side of the road	(25)
	Having solved all of Baltimore's major problems, city leaders now look at proposals to ban plastic bags at grocery stores in the city	(138)
	Italy, not to be out-nannied by the UK, bans sleeping, eating, drinking and singing outdoors. That's amore	(59)
	UK deigns to allow homeowners the right to defend themselves from burglars and anybody wielding fresh fruit	(54)
	NASA internal memo about urine is promptly leaked to the press	(62)
(Some Guy)	Thousands of marijuana plants found growing at Girl Scout camp. Don't eat the Brownies	(92)
	House fire leads to discovery of 100 pot plants and one case of smoke inhalation. The victim declined medical treatment but requested 37 bags of Doritos	(45)
	Man takes motorcycle for spin around baseball diamond during game, tries the "Was I not supposed to do that?" defense	(32)
	Liechtenstein bank employee steals list of super-rich Americans hiding money from the IRS there and gives it to U.S. Senate investigators. Massive tax-evasion investigation ensues	(699)
(thisisplymouth)	Traffic warden justifies handing out fines to people who had paid to park: He was using decimal time	(92)
(GDP)	And the bride smoked menthols: Waffle House wedding leaves 'em scattered, smothered and crying in the parking lot (with excellent slideshow)	(325)
	Israel completes prisoner exchange with Lebanon, gets two dead soldiers in return for five living militants. Surely this will help bring about peace, and not cause further bitterness or strife	(485)
	White House sends highest ranking envoy to meet Iranians in the last 30 years. Good thing the Bush never considers talking to the Axis of Evil	(196)
	Austrian motorists are surprised to encounter a herd of camels wandering along a busy road. One driver said, "We are used to kangaroos, but this is ridiculous"	(70)
	Once again -- do not pass a semi-trailer on the right if your ride is a motorscooter	(201)
(Some Paper-Girl)	Paper-delivery person helps rescue woman stranded in bathtub for two days, wants to collect her $2.00 now	(85)
(Some Guy)	And so it begins: Bedbugs infesting city jail spread to police cruisers, will continue to take a bite out of crime	(66)
	Los Angeles gets $16 million grant from the Governor's Office of Homeland Security to fight terrorism -- by installing subway turnstiles	(63)
	Not news: Man spends 15 years putting jigsaw puzzle together. News: Of 2,000 pieces of love letters he wrote to his wife. Awww: Who died three years ago	(57)
(woodtv.com)	Touche, T-shirt, touche	(205)
(Some Campaigner)	TFer POAC is running for Iowa State Rep. Photoshop some campaign materials for him. LGT inspiration	(91)
(Some Guy)	England named the worst place to live in Europe, if you ignore Ireland. And really, who doesn't?	(240)
(Some Guy)	Woman who encouraged school board to drug test students arrested for heroin trafficking	(58)
	Another day, another giant-ass traffic jam caused by a cheap gas promotion. "I think they're crazy, gas isn't $1.99"	(48)
	Insurance company cancels family's medical coverage before daughter can receive life-saving brain surgery	(330)
	I cheer, you cheer, we all cheer for frozen-on-a-stick beer	(54)
	Catholic bishop tells sufferers of sex abuse to "get over it" and focus on the suffering of a carpenter 2000 years ago	(336)
	If you were driving in St. Louis today and saw something crash into the road, fret not. It was just a panel from a Delta jet. The folks on the plane, however, were justified in soiling their underwear	(60)
(KTTS Radio)	If you are employed at sheriff's office and are destroying old evidence in a fire, here's a safety tip: Check for live ammo. You can click the link to find out where the round hit	(70)
	Britain sets tough new targets of between three hours and three days for police to respond to emergency calls in Nanny State	(94)

Tue July 15, 2008

(Horses Don't Swim!)	Photoshop this water polo ball	(49)
	"Somebody came up behind me and touched my butt"	(225)
(NBC4i)	Columbus, OH to offer scooter parking on Gay Street. No, that's not a euphemism	(71)
(EON)	News: Prostate cancer drug can prevent bone loss. Fark: The photo in the article (scroll down to prostate story)	(115)
	Youth sport leagues are now erecting barricades around the fields to keep pushy parents away from the refs	(47)
	Suspected terrorist's lawyer says his client has been very naughty, childish, and stupid, and should be sent straight to bed without any supper or a bedtime story	(29)
	Pilot offers reward for item that fell off his plane somewhere over Colorado. Fortunately, a propeller should be easy to spot	(43)
	Daughter who spends 30 years caring for her aged parents sees her seven-figure inheritance given to the SPCA. This is why you don't help people, kids	(249)
(Some Coastie)	Two soldiers in a rented SUV inadvertently drive onto military training range while an F-16 is performing target practice. What could possibly go wrong?	(95)
	Los Angeles gangs fight global warming with carbon-friendly bike-by shootings	(35)
(KETV)	Man arrested for fourth DUI. Bonus: It was his fourth DUI so far this month	(77)
(Some Guy)	As part of their ongoing series titled "Today Sucks, Tomorrow will suck more," television station exposes link between mortgages, wildfires and West Nile virus	(28)
	Pic number 1 is innocent. Pic number 2 obviously committed identity theft	(118)
	4,000 homes. 19 hours. 115 degree heat. "I cut down the power pole because I liked the sparks it made." With a pic that lets you guess: which drug was I on?	(81)
	Downtown Vancouver, BC celebrates "1880s Days" with no phones, lights, or refrigeration, at least until Wednesday	(56)
	Thieves use firearms to steal leaves. Yes, leaves	(34)
	Sacramento sex offender left alone with sister's bulldog. Your dog doesn't want this	(115)
	Archaeologists head to Florida's west coast to look for old bones. What are the chances they'll find any?	(28)
	Defend your 12 year-old daughter after she's groped at an amusement park? That's a stompin'	(571)
	University apologizes for playing the race card against white janitor who was reading a historical book on the Klan. On his break. And it's a book the school's library has	(222)
	Not to be outdone by yesterday's lion sighting, bear breaks into Colorado Springs Circuit City. Waiting for tiger to complete trifecta, oh my	(53)
	Swedish theme park collapse injures 30. It probably came flat-packed with an allen wrench to put it together	(85)
	Today's hard-hitting jounalistic inquiry: Why does Los Angeles have traffic?	(70)
	Great white shark sighting that was downgraded to hoax now upgraded to real, promptly downgraded to dead	(57)
	News station evacuated after receiving suspicious-looking Dark Knight cake. The Joker wanted for questioning	(56)
	Army rules that allergy sufferers are unfit for service, but 'lead allergy' is not considered an acceptable medical condition	(32)
	The FBI would like you to know that TV crime shows are not realistic. Thank you, that is all	(66)
	Looks like we're going to need some bigger "Do not dry cats in this microwave" stickers	(225)
	State health official says current economic downturn is beneficial to poor people because it gives them more time to exercise	(89)
	Let's see...15th hole...about 165 yards...little dogleg...Yup. That'd be a six iron to the head	(87)
(Chas. Daily Mail)	Sometimes you just can't improve on a good headline: "Suspected beer thief leaves liquid trail"	(26)
	Dumbass KFC employees still adding a little something extra to food if they know it's for a cop	(151)
	Everyone's favorite (acquitted) murderer, O.J. Simpson, wants you to buy him a beer	(85)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this bicycle	(46)
	Small town school tries to force 5-year-old girl to cut her waist-length hair. Wait, that's a boy?	(235)
	Officials deny incursion of Thai fighters into rebel territory, say they were merely on a diplomatic mission	(125)
(Some Guy)	Boy Scout leader charged with possessing child porn. With "You trusted your child with that?" mug shot	(264)
	Study says online gamblers bet more aggressively and often than casino players. Submitter gives 2-1 that the guy doesn't know what he's talking about	(58)
	Three-year-old tells his mom "bye-bye," walks outside, gets into the family's SUV, and goes for a ride	(89)
(Daily Illini)	Students finally figure out they can pirate their textbooks just like they pirate their music. Publishers planning to out-douchebag the RIAA by publishing new editions every semester	(219)
	Archbishop of Canterbury is at it again, says Christian doctrine is offensive to Muslims, adding "then again, what isn't?"	(122)
	Jim Gaffigan given new material as Nestle recalls 200,000 lbs of Lean Pockets containing bits of plastic	(124)
(Chronicle Herald)	Judge to drug dealer: "Not only is it illegal, but you're not very good at it, given the number of times you've been caught"	(84)
(Sheboygan Press)	Wisconsin man arrested for bad dancing	(118)
	India's most eligible bachelor gets a team of all female commandos to protect him from his adoring female fans. You're doing it right	(182)
	Reason # 891 to never go outside or leave your computer chair: Canadian woman dies after stepping barefoot on caterpillars	(170)
	Man spent $1,000 a week on beer. Pffft, amateur	(111)
(Some Guy)	Police called in after two deaf women get into a shouting match	(94)
	Middle school coach is fired for looking at 'soft porn' on the job. What's soft porn'? Sports Illustrated swimsuits and a website of women in swimsuits	(84)
	Tired of 60 years of peace, Japan makes its move	(274)
	New fathers want 12 weeks of paternity leave, because those golf clubs aren't going to swing themselves	(189)
	Australian court: Annoy all the Catholics you want	(48)
	Historians debate the worst British monarch. George III absent since losing the Americas wasn't such a bad thing after all	(187)
(Herald.ie)	Ten-year-olds suffering from anxiety and stress. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with "OMG EVERYBODY PANIC AVIAN FLU"	(56)
	Catholic school principal and another man were arrested for fornicating with each other in public. Third naked fornicator escaped as quickly as his sweaty thighs would carry him	(82)
	What does the President of the Chicago Fraternal Order of Police think about the federal prosecution of a cop who beat up a wheelchair-bound stabbing victim? "It drastically impacted morale"	(167)
	New treadmill desk offers promise of healthier, more productive workforce and a new reason to hate Paula when she refuses to get off after 30 minutes	(178)
	Canada to US military deserters: Go home, eh. In fact, here's some handcuffs and a few police officers to escort you	(506)
	Getting a 14-year-old girl drunk and having sex with her is not a criminal offense in Canada, but teabagging her and taking pictures of it is	(294)
(That Wasn't Me)	Is there a Hallmark card for "Sorry we mistook you for someone else, broke into your house, beat you and stabbed you" card?	(33)
(Sun Guy)	Skin cancer rates among women on the rise. Submitter would try to figure out why, but he has to take his girlfriend to the tanning salon in 26 minutes	(83)
	Thanks to feminism, women now have the same opportunity as men to spend eight hours a day in a soulless cube working for pointy-headed idiots	(259)
	After 5 years and 850 miles looking for the ever elusive steak, lost beagle comes home	(54)
	Disgruntled computer engineer highjacks network, locks city administrators out of system. Add some topless chicks and a ridiculously violent chase scene or two and this would make a great plot for a mediocre movie	(192)
	Not News: Pizza place robbed. News: Robbed by your husband while you're working there. Fark: Your parents helped and it was their idea	(75)
	Video of interrogation of Gitmo prisoner released. In other news, Canada has been torturing inmates at Guantanamo Bay as well, friend	(408)
	Pervert chided for photographing children at a public park and by pervert we mean the kids' father	(292)
(Some Clot)	Photoshop this macrophage about to consume a fungal spore	(53)
	With no more pressing problems to address, lawmakers insist that American flags be made in America, even though ones made in foreign countries cost less and last longer	(191)
	Some guy decides to watch Fox News for 24 straight hours. Says he's not sure that he'll ever be the same. "Oh, the Hannity"	(289)
	Police smash window of locked vehicle to save unconscious baby, end up rescuing really, really creepy doll instead. No, this is not a repeat from last week, but it is very good publicity for the dollmaker	(168)
	Why, I've got half a mind	(41)
	Businessman pays for billboard ad showing burning World Trade Center with phrase "Please Don't Vote for a Democrat." Hilarity ensues	(526)
	Apparently, the "God told me to do it" defense doesn't fly when you're on trial for beheading two women with a sword, but it's at least slightly better than the "There can be only one" defense	(54)
(Some Gay)	South Carolina is so gay	(137)
	Woman plants a rat in her food at an upscale restaurant and demands compensation. Would have gotten away with it if she had picked a feral rat instead of a lab rat	(69)
(News4Jax)	Why would fire department captain pull 75-year-old driver out of his car? Why, to better beat the crap out of him	(50)
	Actual headline: "Mormons make missionary position clear." Utah breathlessly awaits guidance on doggy style	(79)
	The more available cigarettes are, the more likely people will smoke, says a new study from the Institute of the Blindingly Obvious	(58)
	You know how in the movies a person will jump off an overpass onto a speeding train, and ride safely away? Yeah, don't do that	(72)
(WPTV)	Grills for bills: Economy busted, people pawn teeth for cash	(49)
	Photoshop this fair river maiden	(83)
	In case you aren't busy worrying about terrorists, global warming and the plummeting economy, the latest menace to society: blue inflatable pools	(109)
	Australian woman caught in Vietnamese customs with junk inside her trunks. Preliminary reports indicate she intended to use it to get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off her hump	(46)
	Koala hit by car traveling at 100 kph, hangs on to front bumper for 12 kilometres, continues hunt for Sarah Connor	(97)
	Woman blows nine times over the legal limit, or as Fark admins call it, "a day with a 'y' in it"	(130)
	Arrest warrant issued for woman who may have sparked raid on polygamist group in Texas	(72)

Mon July 14, 2008

	Prisoners told they can go free if they "hug a tree"	(42)
	The Amish in Kentucky do not want to display slow-moving vehicle emblems on their horse-drawn buggies because they say the signs are "too worldly"	(144)
	Playboy to feature "the Girls of Olive Garden". In a complete surprise, the "Girls Of Waffle House" didn't test market very well	(224)
	That African lion on the loose in Colorado? It's a dog	(122)
	Good news: "professional and discreet...a 10-day guarantee...100% professional we don't charge in advance". Bad news: Classified ads for hitmen in Mexico	(68)
	Scientist using a mini-blowtorch to kill weeds accidentally torches his neighbor's yard (w/ your new 'Fail' pic)	(99)
	Plane crash survivor: "It was like God landed it." Listen lady, God wouldn't have run out of fuel, and if he did, he wouldn't set down in Jersey	(168)
	Woman attacks crack-smoking boyfriend with toilet seat	(63)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this railroad right-of-way to nowhere	(110)
	Woman trains husband like a dolphin (no fish involved)	(135)
	Worker nearly crushed to death by 5-ton microscope at the National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health. Ironic wins over Scary upon close scrutiny	(73)
(Some Guy)	Don't you just hate it when you're driving along and a bee flies in and stings you which distracts you just long enough to crash . . . your helicopter?	(69)
	TSA looking into "possible unauthorized release of sensitive and classified information to the news media" after report that less than 1% of flights carry air marshals, which of course is a complete fabrication to embolden the terrists	(66)
	What could cause a rise in kidney stones in the coming decades? Thaaat's right - global warming	(86)
	An electric car in your driveway? It could be more likely than you think	(571)
	Robber caught flushing money down toilet, is given seat in congress	(25)
	Tragedy in Atlanta. Or most awesome day ever. One of the two	(75)
	In New Hampshire gas prices are half the national average. For half a gallon	(50)
(KABC-7)	Hawaii plans to make garbage its biggest export since Don Ho	(54)
	Owning a chain of high-class strip clubs in Florida can tear a family apart	(69)
	Voodoo doll with pins stuck in body of commissioner menaces city (with pic goodness)	(67)
	Top 10 small cities to live in. Intercourse, PA not mentioned	(380)
	It only took 105 years for someone to figure out we need traffic lights for airplanes	(104)
	Crook who stole $200 from an apartment returns minutes later to swap the money for the wallet he left behind	(50)
	This is what an over reaction to a critical anonymous newspaper on a college campus looks like. She looks like Dolores Umbridge. (Pic)	(185)
	New program allows anybody to accuse anybody else of littering via text message. What could possibly go wrong?	(113)
(Some Guy)	Australian Muslims open their doors to house Roman Catholic pilgrims for World Youth Day, proving that Muslims are pretty calm and rational when the US is not bombing the crap out of them	(786)
	The world's forests are threatened by food, fuel demands, Ewok infestation	(92)
	Now that wildfires in California are coming under control, the mudslides have started	(77)
	If beard-growing and skillet-throwing don't excite you, then how about mashed potato wrestling? Thank you Maine	(62)
	If you're going to the embassy to get your passport renewed, you might want to take the $4,000 worth of crack out of your purse first	(80)
	Once again, if airport security guards ask what you have in your carry-on luggage, don't tell them "parts of a Kalashnikov"	(78)
(Florida Today)	Old and busted: Jumping the shark. New hotness: Shark jumping you(pic)	(129)
	Sudanese President charged with genocide. It's about bloody time	(149)
(Some Guy)	Bad enough that someone steals your car, but it's worse when the police send you a bill for the dent they put in their cruiser while chasing it	(128)
	For the 196th time this year, gas prices hit a new high	(182)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this sad face	(80)
	You're about to be evicted from your long term flat, do you a) cut of your own head with a chainsaw ?	(189)
(Star News Online)	NC authorities seek man with no thumbs. Bob Kelso doesn't give a crap	(56)
	Bush makes meaningless gesture on oil prices by lifting the meaningless executive order banning offshore drilling signed by his father	(349)
	Experts report lying to your kids is okay. Now go back to bed, mommy and daddy are wrestling	(133)
	Just when you thought you were safe, the 80's rear it's dayglo head once again	(196)
	Not old enough to drink, you can still direct planes at JFK Airport	(46)
(Brookston Beer Bulletin)	With the sale of Budweiser, that means Sam Adams is the largest US-owned brewery, with Yuengling second and Sierra Nevada third	(495)
	Study finds older Americans, who don't have to work and have free health care, happier than younger people, who have to pay for it	(75)
	Nine women on vacation arrested for participating in oral sex competition. No word on who came in first place	(261)
	Harley-Davidson fans flock to H-D museum, to see what it was like in olden days, when Harley-Davidson's didn't break down and were cool	(212)
	African lion roaming the savannahs of the Colorado Front Range	(60)
	North Carolina is home to the oldest cultivated grapevine in the world. Suck it, Ernest and Julio	(54)
	If this woman offers to buy you a life insurance policy, RUN......RUN LIKE HELL (with innocent-looking grandma type pic)	(28)
(TriCities)	Taking a photo of a cop during a traffic stop with your cell phone camera? Nothing to see here, citizen, move along, ignore the man being arrested in front of his wife and kids	(266)
	The feds are watching you via your laser printer. EVERBODY be cool.....act normal	(83)
	Airbus says A380 superjumbo should benefit from high oil prices due to lower fuel cost per person, per mile. Much in the manner that large SUVs are flying off the shelves right now	(93)
(Fox5Atlanta)	Sharks found on road in rural Georgia county. Officials advise citizens not to open their doors to anyone who knocks and says, "Candygram"	(52)
	Bond. Jane Bond	(70)
(Daily Yomiuri)	To ensure eye safety, Japanese health ministry set to regulate sales of colored contact lenses	(41)
	Wal-Mart pays as well as Target, has benefits comparable to the rest of the industry, and its political opponents are just full of impotent anger	(370)
	Houston police say that most victims of home invasions were asking for it	(219)
	Town plans to scrap all its traffic cameras after finally admitting they are a "blatant tax on drivers"	(63)
	Church decides that giving away a semiautomatic assault rifle to one of the teens at their weekend retreat might NOT be such a good idea after all	(283)
	Having solved all its other problems, Washington DC starts arresting people for avoiding jury duty, so they can fine them $325	(263)
	If you're claiming early retirement benefits from the fire department for a permanent disability, you probably shouldn't compete in bodybuilding competitions	(107)
	The Australian town of Ballarat is "bitterly disappointed" to hear that the Queen has lost their pajamas	(36)
	Ravers in Moscow lose eyesight after being hit with lasers. Darwin promises he'll use the sterilization machine next time he spins	(101)
	Grandma having an asthma attack on the way to the hopsital gets arrested for . . . prostitution?	(164)
	Police are looking for a man who robbed a gas station with a flourescent light bulb. He is described as white, chubby, and not very bright	(44)
(Some Guy)	Handless man changes bicycle tire with his OMG FEET SHOULDN'T BEND LIKE THAT (pics)	(87)
	Miss Universe 2008, "When I go back to Venezuela I will jump on my family and they will jump on me." With jumpable pics	(229)
	Princess Anne reveals secret passion for 'lighthouse-bagging'. It ain't what you think	(37)
	Photoshop this car-loving pair	(50)
	Inside dope on the Pope: loves beer and football, has a personalized iPod and does NOT wear Prada. Welcome to Fark, my son	(93)
	Happy Bastille Day to our French Farkers. Have fun storming the castle!	(134)
	Dalai Lama says it's wrong and unfair to call Islam a "violent" religion. Islamic leaders applaud, offer to kill him last	(386)
	Soldier so stressed at thought of returning to Iraq he takes evasive action - headbutting his own reflection in a window	(55)
	Nanny State bans sack races and 3-legged races because someone might fall over and hurt themselves	(73)
	Islanders rescued after Alaskan volcano erupts. Rangers and Devils left to fend for themselves	(51)
	Welshman keeps 300-pound ram as a house pet. Hey, ewe are doing it wrong (with baaad pics)	(40)
	A Colorado man has raised $10K for muscular dystrophy after spending 53 hours in a shopping cart. No word yet on how many donations were paper or plastic	(46)