Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-07-06 23:59:59'

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Sun July 06, 2008

	You're having a bad day when you're booked on 4th degree DUI and criminal vehicular operation involving a death. Fark: You were driving a golf cart	(2)
(nbc17)	Handy Tip: If you find a explosive in your yard, let the bomb squad come to you	(38)
(Macon.com)	The groom tossed his bride's Dixie flag garter belt into a crowd of clinking beer cans. The pair had their first dance to "Hold My Beer." Then they dove into the mudhole, hand in hand	(111)
	You're flying First-Class and notice economy passengers leaving the plane before you. do you? C: Open the emergency exit and go down the slide	(147)
	NBC-Universal has agreed to purchase The Weather Channel for an undisclosed sum. No word on when Willard Scott's birthday bonanza will start running	(55)
	Church of England to consecrate first women bishops, will also appoint new male "superbishops" to keep the uppity broads in their place. Superbishops	(90)
	When you take your car to the shop for repairs, make sure you deactivate the anti-hijack booby traps first	(53)
	The U.S. government is stunned to find out that those who they've fingerprinted in relation to terrorism have arrest records in the U.S	(79)
	Whitewater rafters upset about having to float past dead woman near Grave Creek after authorities refuse to clean up the river	(74)
	Bride sues wedding designer after her dress splits apart, leaving her naked at the altar. Best. Wedding. EVAR	(139)
	About 400 members of the Rainbow Family use sticks and stones to try to break the bones of federal agents. The federal agents show them that "pepper balls" work much better	(140)
(3TV)	Now photo radar is going to start issuing tickets to left-turn red-light runners	(83)
	After seizing a large cache of drugs, naturally your first inclination is to call in an air strike using jet fighters and 1,000 pound bombs	(74)
	Get these motherfcking snakes out of my motherfcking Wal-Mart	(46)
	He's a criminal, but he "did the right thing" when it mattered -- alerting cops to what he feared was a terror plot the day before the Fourth of July	(146)
	Photoshop Challenge: A dock, a block and a sock	(32)
(Some Guy)	For the first time in 158 years, exclusive Connecticut neighborhood approves new home to be built. (And you thought your local zoning was tough)	(52)
(Some Guy)	Just when you began to tolerate bicyclists on the road, rising fuel costs have some converting to street-legal golf carts	(130)
	Having tried the "give children a choice" approach and failed miserably, UK schools may start locking kids in to stop them from buying junk food, force them to eat healthily	(67)
	World's most corrupt countries. Come for the food, stay for the political repression	(143)
	Motorboating results in explosion. Next time, don't shake your head so fast	(38)
(Some Guy)	"I survived that day, so I know I can survive anything." It's not news, it's Pretty White People With Problems: Airport Adeventure	(134)
	Traffic court sucks, except when the cop fails to appear or doesn't remember writing you up	(62)
	Prime Minister of Iraq: "We defeated terrorism." You go now	(213)
	Vicar ruins wedding after ordering 2-year-old child, mother-to-be removed for "making a scene". No word if it rained or not	(121)
(Hattiesburg American)	"Hey, Dad, where are we going on vacation, Disney World?" "No, son, we're going to the Elvis is Alive Museum"	(38)
	This article is so loaded with fail that it creates a vortex of suck that makes it go all the way around to win	(233)
	"It's Sunday, and nothing much is happening here in the newsroom... I know, let's do a story about what your car trunk says about you"	(65)
	No quick end to Mongolian beef. You go now. You been here four hour	(55)
	If you beat your father for the cherry-pit spitting championship... you might be a redneck	(25)
	"Everyone thinks we are crazy, but now is the time to buy gas guzzlers," says man, looking remarkably like a Dodo bird	(168)
	"Hey, you got your washing machine in my lounge chair." "You got YOUR lounge chair on MY washing machine." "Saaaay... that is pretty good"	(34)
(Some Guy)	Otter bliss	(37)
	The ST-2 Indoor Shooting Simulator is "Duck Hunt on steroids." No word as to whether or not you get mocked for your failures by a cartoon dog	(33)
(Real Simple)	For the completely hopeless people out there, this website will show you how to fold a newspaper	(30)
	The Easy Install Twist Chair will ensure that you'll be the scourge of any backyard barbecue	(51)
	What happens when the War on Terror meets the War on Drugs in a steel cage death match?	(65)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this hand on the ground	(51)
	Police marksmen shoot cow that was acting in a "very aggressive manner." Apparently, a lot was at steak	(70)
	Woman looks for car keys under her car. Gets her head wedged under the axle, and can't get out for two days. Rescuers found her dehydrated and confused. Oh, and her keys were in the car door. D'OH	(80)
	You know your economy sucks when... even members of the Optimists Club use words like "terrified" "disgusted" and "scary" to describe their outlook	(75)
	The shape of milk jugs is changing, and some people with way too much time on their hands are freaking out about it	(185)
(Some Guy)	"I'm trying to catch that UFO," "I am late for church and don't want to go to hell," "I have been drinking and want to get off the road quickly," and other excuses given for speeding	(59)
	Actual Headline: Panda moved after China quake gives birth. Submitter wonders what the sex was of the baby quake	(26)
	Creepy: Stalker guy tells woman she is mother to Satan's baby. Really creepy: He leaves a Poison CD on her front doorstep	(40)
(Some Guy)	Growers are watching the #1 cash crop in California go up in smoke as fire spreads around Big Sur	(72)
	Apparently you can bring a knife to a sword fight if you're in a wheelchair	(23)
	Oregon gas station owner laughs at Darwin, Brazilian priests as he completes his 3rd lawnchair balloon trip; "If I had the time and money and people, I'd do this every weekend"	(33)
	Man keeps calling 911 for frivolous reasons and threatens to keep calling "until he gets an officer to respond." Be careful what you wish for	(35)
(TV3 News)	New Zealand television station probably regrets hiring T Durden and leaving him in unattended in the station at 3:00pm on a Sunday	(81)
	British doctor in trouble because he keeps donating his livers to the Greek	(39)
(Some Guy)	Pics of a prison that is nicer than most places you've lived. Except for the freedom thing and the anal rape	(144)
(Some Guy)	"The suspect in the case, said his relatives knocked out some of his teeth when he was being subdued. But family members said the man was already missing teeth."	(18)
	British couple try to turn pub into church, shocked when earnings fall dramatically. Where is your grog now?	(28)
(Some Experimental Guy)	Photoshop this guy pumping his pipette	(30)
	Americans shocked by $100+ fill-ups. Hummer owners club memberships plummeting. Soccer moms "downsizing" to Land Cruisers: "I don't know if it gets better gas mileage, but I like it because it costs $100 to fill it"	(342)
	City council says couple can keep their hand-painted pagan and Celtic symbols on their fence as long as they pay a $35 fee. "I guess our definition of graffiti is changing"	(59)

Sat July 05, 2008

	When they came for the tomatos I said nothing. They are now coming for the jalapenos	(92)
	Not praying to Allah? That's a detention	(438)
(Some Guy)	Snowmobiler arrested for speeding on Lake Winnipesaukee amid "heavy boat traffic." With a video camera on his helmet	(58)
	Skilled thespian Moe the chimp has disappeared: "He's on his way home. He's probably looking for a car to drive"	(37)
	For sale: one lighthouse on the Connecticut shoreline. Asking price: $1	(53)
	FedEx: When your 200 pounds of pot absolutely, positively has to be sent to the wrong address	(90)
	China's thirst for oil will save the planet	(119)
	France's bid to have its cuisine added to UNESCO's list of world cultural treasures has failed	(87)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this storage ring thing	(49)
	Break out the world's smallest violins for all the deadbeats complaining about not getting their stimulus check	(199)
	The fashion world, in addition to being behind every political assassination of the last 300 years, is also racist	(187)
(Some Guy)	Relax. Nobody gives a darn what you watch on YouTube	(86)
	Could World Trade Center 7 have been knowingly demolished? "In a screenplay, in a movie, something with Bruce Willis in it, maybe. In reality, no"	(662)
	The national park service is considering re-opening Liberty's crown, one compromise being that her eyes be modified to fire missile destroying lasers	(40)
	"[Y]ou know you're unattractive when people see you in a Speedo and call 911"	(48)
	The priest who flew through the air via 1000 party balloons for charity last April and got lost, has been found dead in the middle of the ocean. Darwin does a facepalm	(178)
	Vegetarians have higher risk of going brain dead. You want steak	(147)
	Rising cost of fuel has governments and private compaines consdering using dirigbles instead of airplanes. What could possibly go OH THE HUMANITY	(118)
	New Jersey town lets kegs flow, middle fingers fly. We're sure this is exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they started the Revolution	(55)
	The vegetable kingdom's attack on human beings continues unabated. PETA protesters looking somewhat worried	(68)
	10 things you might not know about robots. Sarah Connor, Old Glory Robot Insurance suspiciously absent from article	(72)
	Woman visits the drive-thru window at Einstein Bagels store, is surprised to discover they don't have a drive-thru window	(38)
	If you abandoned your half-million dollar Lamborghini on the highway, the Ontario Provincial Police would like a word with you. And bring a dustpan, too	(81)
	"That's when Trooper John Hennessey noticed a large bulge in Belmont's pants"	(44)
	The most patriotic moran you will ever meet. Evar	(240)
	Wal-Mart is coming up with a new logo. Give them a hand	(65)
	Drunk, stupid, and weaving all over a bike path on a riding mower is no way to go through life, sons	(21)
	Fight against knife crime overtakes terrorism as London's number one police priority. If only there was something Britons could bring to a knife fight to have an advantage	(218)
	Snail prices expected to go up amid poor harvest. TOUT LE MONDE PANIQUE	(50)
	Former downtown Orlando nightclub owner ditches that lifestyle for more profitable one: Towing cars that are illegally parked near downtown Orlando nightclubs	(82)
	What's the easiest way to keep your downspout from flooding the neighbor's yard? No, I said EASIEST	(92)
	If you had "one day" in the "how long will it take someone to attack wax Hitler at the new Berlin Madame Tussauds" pool, please step forward to claim your prize	(106)
	Tank the runaway tortoise returned home... eventually	(28)
	No kitty, no die: Marley the cat survives 14-story plunge to celebrate another Caturday	(463)
	Rotting cheese placed alongside fresh products and resold. That's not gouda	(47)
(Some Guy)	Family Guy's Peter Griffin arrested for dealing drugs (with mugshot goodness)	(164)
	Those "faceless people" spotted around the UK? You guessed it. Marketing stunt. Followup trumps Obvious tag	(73)
	RSPCA officers seize owls from a falconry center that supplied them for a Harry Potter movie. YA RLY	(32)
	A five-year battle ends not with a bang or a whimper, but with a chicken in a soundproof box	(25)
(shorpy.com)	Photoshop these boaters and their dog	(49)
	The coolest thing you'll see all day: 45 Navy SEAL Tridents laid out on the casket of a fallen SEAL. Godspeed	(321)
	Italy declares a state of emergency in Pompeii. Well, better late than never	(66)
(Some Guy)	Woman attempts to recreate "Thelma & Louise" ending, fails	(70)
	If you have found the Edgewood City Hall Building, please contact Babbit Neuman Construction. Thank you, that is all	(20)
(Some Guy)	If you have a fear of heights, you do not want to live here (pics)	(62)
(Some Guy)	Thief pays no attention to that silly 10,000 volts warning sign. Darwin is a cruel mistress	(89)
	Saskatoon zoo welcomes ugly-ass baby Bengal tiger	(40)
	Daily Mail: "The government is criminally careless in losing discs containing the public's personal details. They should keep it all safe, just like we store our sensitive staff data on the laptop in this briefca- Ohhh"	(22)
	UK court rules that Pringles are only 42 percent potato, still 100 percent awesome	(55)
	America retains title in Nathan's hot dog eating contest. 64 dogs, 19,000 calories. USA USA USA	(78)
	"She wore her first set of false eyelashes at eight, and her beauty treatments cost £300 a month. A sick abuse of an 11-year-old? 'No', insists Sasha's mother, 'I just want her to be famous'."	(215)
(Madison.com)	College professor teaches the science and psychology behind getting the most mileage out of being drunk	(63)
	Latest media-manufactured social crisis is "green rage", where you or a mythical neighbor fly into anger over the poor recycling habits of those around you	(79)

Fri July 04, 2008

(Some Guy)	Indiana man gave beer to his 1-year-old nephew, "he's a champ, he can handle it," then punched his girlfriend in the face when she objected and sped away in her SUV, threatening to kill her and her daughter when he returned	(152)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this 1963 vintage Vine	(65)
	Men with hot girlfriends have more sex, according to researchers at the Ric Romero Institute for Studying Things	(521)
(Some Idiot)	Protip: It's always best to wait until AFTER you get home to light off the fireworks	(18)
	Operation Falcon, founded by U.S. Marines, provides a life in America to Iraqi translators marked for death	(86)
(Some Guy)	Woman shocked, SHOCKED to be sexually assaulted after agreeing to be tied to a bed in a complete strangers box truck. Fark: You would be too, the accused is a paramedic	(96)
	This. Is. AMERICAAA	(99)
(Some Guy)	Sometimes you just want to ride without standing in line. This guy took it to the next level, though	(84)
(Blasphemes)	Robbing a Subway at 11pm, check. One employee and a 71 year old customer, check. 71 year old is a retired Marine? Oh oh. With concealed carry permit? Why me?	(391)
	Man arrested for walking dog, by automobile, at 45 mph	(57)
(Pretoria News)	Man takes girlfriend for a spin in new car, only to be confronted with the inferno of wife's disapproval. Will stand up for himself when he comes out of hiding	(61)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to carjack a car, perhaps you should pick an easier target. For instance, don't pick the car with two uniformed police officers inside it	(29)
(Some Guy)	Sasquatch sexually assaults man in Canadian park	(79)
	Russians suspect Welsh arsonist stripper could be British spy	(29)
	Researchers warn that fireworks can cause seizures, brain freeze, natural selection	(23)
	Police respond to call from man reporting "bright stationary object" in the sky. M-O-O-N spells "Dumbass"	(43)
	Susan Olsen has radio interview that ends badly after she shows up hung over. You might remember her from the Brady Bunch, she was the one that played Cindy BraAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHRRRRGGGHHH	(72)
	The most baffling explosions in movie history	(135)
	A tip for parolees: Don't conduct drug deals when the cops are right across the street and parole agents are in town. It's not Fark, it's the San Francisco Chronicle	(7)
	Dude never played a piano before in his life, hits head on bottom of pool and suddenly becomes a master pianist. Submitter tempted to hit head to see if he becomes fluent in Spanish	(170)
(Some Tie Guy)	The best how to tie a double windsor knot instructional you'll see all day	(192)
	German Shepherd survives being thrown off an overpass with only a fat lip. Your dog wants a parachute (dog headline trifecta now complete)	(67)
	Miniature dachshund gnaws off diabetic owner's toe, confused it for steak	(92)
	"I've never seen a blood feud like this before," says lawyer. "A cautionary tale of parental hopes dashed, sibling rivalry triumphant and love for a place embittered," says judge who is writing a novel on the side	(37)
	Photoshop Challenge: Create a new national monument	(75)
	Professional soccer player attacks nightclub bouncer with handbag, perpetuates every soccer player stereotype there is	(57)
	Your all-purpose July 4th special: Ugly-ass bald eagle baby rescued from clutches of evil Canadians (w/pic)	(59)
	Boston can't even build a sidewalk without three government agencies suing and fining each other	(58)
(Uncle Sam)	Instant Photoshop Contest: Uncle Sam	(65)
	Your flat screen TV contains a gas that is 17000 times more potent than CO2 and hangs around for 550 years. And you thought having your in-laws over for the holidays was bad	(140)
(MotorTorque.com)	Ruthlessly efficient German hailstorm wrecks 30,000 Volkswagens	(75)
	Husband says dog caused him to accidentally shoot wife. Your dog wants an attorney	(24)
	Jesse Helms joins yet another majority	(1081)
	Thief escapes arrest -- by baring her breasts	(88)
	Driver evades provincial police by running a red light, promptly crashes next door to the police station	(13)
(WJLA)	Vienna, Virginia will use lasers instead of fireworks for this year's 4th of July celebrations. Sissy tag just choked on gunpowder	(95)
	Thank goodness THESE folks declared their independence - 4th of July mugshot gallery	(179)
	Bomb squad called into Stockholm airport to carry out a controlled explosion on a hot cocoa box	(28)
	I-Mockery celebrates the Fourth with a look at the underappreciated art of firecracker labels (some Not safe for work)	(32)
	Happy Independence Day, American Farkers. Share your favorite 4th of July stories here (VE)	(206)
(KATU)	Chuck Seaman in prison? Yeah, he probably will	(31)
	Go to Latin America, fall in love, find out that your new GF has assassinated 23 people..DOH	(109)
	Why scientists think some people are mosquito magnets	(102)
	Dumbass: Man is willing to pay £150 to watch final episode of "Prison Break" on his cell phone. Asinine: His phone company billed him £31,500. Stupid: Is as stupid does	(54)
	Politician who urged public to "hug teenage thugs" is badly beaten up... by a teenage thug	(45)
	Photoshop these intake manifolds	(34)
	Man suffers from anorexia. Gets fired from a COOKING show. Now making his living from suing cooking shows	(45)
	Unable to come up with the dough, man steals breadmaker. He's caught later loafing at the beach. No matter how you slice it, this guy's a dumbass	(27)
	Creepy RealDoll of Hitler goes on show in Berlin. I'll be in my bunker	(63)
	Some of the world's best brewery tours. How many have you been to?	(72)
	Twelve-year-old Karate Kid uses his martial arts training to take down gun-wielding thugs and save his family. Just kidding he just remained calm and called the cops	(92)
	Charlie the Charolais was stuck on a ledge for days because bureaucrats argued over who should pay to rescue him. Bullocks	(21)
	I'm not a pedophile, your honour. Those kiddie porn images were only part of the batch of octopus porn, pony porn and snake porn that I was downloading	(77)
	Pyrotechnician's cremains will be 'last shot' of Indy fireworks. Which is just a little bit creepy	(29)
	Old and busted: dine and dash. New hotness: dine and fake having a heart attack	(49)
	Man upset over lack of alcohol stabs himself, curses police officer, and rolls successful saving throw vs. Taser. Bonus awesome Flying Spaghetti Mullet mug shot	(60)

Thu July 03, 2008

	Felon wanted for torture and murder keeps it real...and wets himself when the cops catch him	(82)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this crafty bag lady	(64)
	Police respond to desperate call of a porcupine in the pantry. Turns out it was just a groundhog. Takes three police to take the critter down. With pic of ferocious groundhog	(42)
	Here is proof that Farkers are helping boost the economy. Eighty proof, that is	(75)
	Florida governor grows beard	(138)
	Canada freaks out about Google not changing their logo for the day by writing a letter	(183)
	Parents mortified that snowflakes from prestigious private school fail to get accepted to Harvard, Yale or Princeton and instead are forced into such backwoods hovels as Johns Hopkins, Wesleyan and Vanderbilt	(201)
	If you're going to use lit candles to spell "I love you" in a hotel room in the hope of impressing your girlfriend, don't wait 40 minutes before showing it to her	(51)
	Bozo the Clown dies at age 83	(277)
	Death by Cheese: The most horrific competitive eating injuries	(94)
	Ben Franklin marries Betsy Ross at Independence Hall. Finding no snowballs handy in July, locals toss batteries at the couple and boo	(51)
	Saudi Arabia invites Israeli rabbi to an interfaith conference. Answer your cell phone, rabbi, its Admiral Ackbar calling	(51)
(KMBC)	Woman charged after her son is bitten by one of their four pet bats. In other news, people have bats as pets	(74)
	Boston SWAT team evacuates neighborhood, successfully disarms woman with bottle of floor wax	(59)
	The coolest 'Teenager modifies laser etching machine to burn Pac Man tattoos into his skin' article/picture/video you'll see all day	(87)
	New tell-all book written by former stripper rips Matt Drudge a new one, revealing among other shocking facts, that he's a "Young And The Restless" addict	(85)
	US embassy to refugees: Did you notice a sign out in front of our embassy that said displaced Zimbabwean storage?	(131)
	What is your favorite song by a popular band that was never a hit?	(1024)
(KSBW 8)	Big Sur residents refusing to leave despite a mandatory evacuation order due to a out of control wildfire. "Based on what we saw during Katrina we know we can rely on ourselves and our neighbors"	(83)
(Some Guy)	It's not a hit and run if you stop and rob the guy you hit	(13)
	After being promised that their tour would not be extended, 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit discovers that their tour is being extended. Pentagowned	(163)
	Tim Montgomery: Olympic Gold Medalist. Check kiter. Heroin dealer	(44)
	Children evacuated after thousands of bees invade music department of primary school. You submitted this with a honey of a headline and felt stung when you were told to buzz off	(58)
	Getting arrested three times in 14 hours, that's got to be some kind of a record... for a non-celebrity anyway	(14)
	News: A new country, The Republic of Molossia, is born. FARK: Inside Nevada	(93)
	Man orders coffee at Starbuck's, gets four free shots he didn't order	(70)
	If you have canisters of highly explosive gas in the back of your van and you feel like having a cigarette.... anyway, it's all here on video	(63)
(Some Politics Tag Guy)	Local British Council proposes to charge Downs Syndrome patient to wash their dishes. Man refuses, will go back to winning arguments on the internet	(65)
	If you're drunk and need a ride home, it's probably not the best idea to use the phone from the purse you just stole to call the police	(8)
	If you're too fat to fit into attractive clothes, do you: C) Spend real money buying attractive clothes for your online avatar?	(108)
	French announce that five will stand trial for the 2000 crash of the Concorde. If convicted, they will face no less than four years in livre-moi l'âne dans des prisons fédérales	(69)
	Cool: Australian company gets 10,000:1 return on investment. Sad: by making illegal campaign contributions	(14)
	Nothing symbolizes the meaning of the 4th July like carving up a one-tonne block of cheddar cheese on the sidewalk of Times Square	(42)
	Your store just had its 10,000th shoplifter try to exit the store. Do you, C: fire up the marching band, put a little party hat on her head, and give her a cake	(83)
	Prisoner escapes by opening van door at a red light and walking away. Cop continues on because the light was green and people were honking	(41)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Robonaut scientist	(57)
(WKYC)	Never argue with a woman who's pushing her baby in a stroller. It'll make you look bad, and you never know when she's going to whip out a sawed-off shotgun from the stroller	(65)
	Four out of five British men sexually harassed at work and most employers admit they don't take it seriously. Before you mock them, remember what most British women look like	(115)
	Tips on how to photograph a fireworks display so you don't make an ash of yourself	(30)
	Australian young people talk like Americans. They also drink like Britons, smell like the French, and drive like the Belgians	(72)
	Rapist tries to force woman to perform oral sex, gets OM NOM NOM for his efforts	(114)
	MSNBC asks the tough question: "Are we what we Google?" Conclusion: "Orgies: more American than apple pie"	(51)
	Where would you hide your cocaine? I guess a box of detergent is out	(43)
	Unemployed rocket enters Israel looking for work	(65)
	Robber takes money from man at gunpoint and then proceeds to "hug it out"	(32)
	Block Island ferry collides with ship in dense fog. Ferry didn't need to call the Coast Guard as they were, um... already there	(65)
	John McCain: Russia should be excluded from the G8 because of its poor record on democracy. Dmitri Medvedev: "B*tch, check yourself"	(238)
	Remember when you were told not to make fun of nerds in high school because one day they would make more money than you? Here comes the science	(136)
	Watched YouTube lately? Or ever? Viacom will soon know your user ID, every video you've seen, exactly when you saw it, and your IP address at the time. Happy 4th of July, freedom lovers	(252)
	Whistling burglar awakens homeowners who find him wearing their clothes and covered in barbeque sauce as an "urban disguise". You couldn't be doing it any more wrong if you tried	(54)
	Man plans 300-mile flight in lawn chair tied to 150 balloons. Man also plans on landing, but that remains to be seen	(87)
	JonBenet Ramsey house back on market for $2.68 million. Homes with sordid pasts can recover their value, expert says, but it can take years. In this case, 12	(73)
(HamptonRoads.com)	In Baltimore, it's illegal to take your lion to the movies. In Illinois, you can't hum on Sundays. It's that time of year again to look at stupid laws still on the books	(120)
	New U.S. silver dollar issued with Braille. "This is going to put Braille in front of people in a very dramatic way," said Chris Danielson, a man unaware that no one actually uses silver dollars	(177)
(MetroWest Daily news)	Man downloads child porn to learn how easy it is to get, also learns how easy it is for prosecutors to "remotely search" his computer	(183)
	Christian pub owners are dropped by brewery for not allowing customers to swear -- so they do the only logical thing and barricade themselves inside the pub and refuse to leave	(96)
	Seventy-year-old woman spends fortune to provide her husband an heir. The son is there. The daughter too, but no one cares	(75)
	Henry Winkler visits British school to talk about dyslexia. Because who could be a better spokesman than someone whose catchphrase consisted of one letter?	(103)
	Police responding to a domestic disturbance "had to pry Sadine's fingers off of his genitals and force her off of him"	(90)
	Ontario woman has stroke, ends up talking like a Newfoundlander. It's not news; it's the Shipping News	(68)
(myouvies.com)	Heath Ledger's performance in "The Dark Knight" is being compared to Jack Nicholson. Not Nicholson's Joker, but his performance as Randle McMurphy from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"	(354)
	No matter how keen you are on pursuing a career in law enforcement when you grow up, please refrain from stealing a police car to do some impromptu patrolling of your own	(35)
	With 19 different governmental entities having nothing to show after seven years, the World Trade Center hole-in-the-ground project is "the greatest political and bureaucratic fiasco in the history of the world"	(290)
	Man convicted of stealing dog, getting it high. Your dog wants steak, nachos...oooo, White Castle and Popeye's	(73)
	How often must this be said: if you are going to transport $4.7 million worth of pot in your car, you seriously need to obey all traffic laws	(187)
	Bicycle riders report that bridge gives them a Jolt when they cross it. One described it like "a sensation like a swarm of bees flying into his shorts." You know, they pay good money for that in Japan	(67)
	Poster depicting poutine-toting explorer offends French-language group. Lighten up, François	(195)
	If you're going to kill your wife by poisoning her with antifreeze, be sure that you flush your browser cache and history to eliminate your search terms "ethylene glycol death human"	(130)
	Two-year-old boy decides to take his aunt's pet dog for a walk at 3 a.m. Hilarity ensues	(106)
(Babyzone)	The top ten things children stick up their noses: "crayons" come in at #1 except in California, where "coke straw" takes the lead	(122)
	The proliferation of crappy open-source office applications has convinced Microsoft to offer the one true Office as a subscription service	(240)
	Porn sites credit economic 'stimulus' checks for rise in membership	(57)
(Ventura County Star)	Distract your pets tomorrow so they don't freak out and escape your home due to fireworks	(77)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this old pipe cluster	(49)
	President Bush and advisors (wink) give Israel (nudge) a stern warning to NOT (nod) bomb Iran	(434)
	Fireworks have toxic byproducts, proving once again that anything even remotely fun can kill you	(45)
(Some Guy)	Caption this scene from the former Soviet Union, Comrades	(105)
	News: monk caught in sex scandal. Fark: He was having sex with himself on a public bus. Bonus: It's the second time he's been caught	(62)
	Quiet faceless people keep showing up in prominent London locations (w/ pics)	(233)
	I complained because I had no shoes. Then I met someone with upside-down feet	(50)
	Man finds monster crab even larger than Paris Hilton's. But then he eated it (the crab, not Paris Hilton)	(139)
	Unwanted relatives at your wedding? Move it to space and solve all those hassles	(13)
	Why organic ice cream is overpriced suck, and how to make you own. Story comes with a brown-eyed babe cradling two rather large scoops of creamy goodness, but this being Fark, we don't expect that will distract you	(108)
	Chinese anti-terror police practise killing drills on scooters (w/ pic you gotta see - you won't be cutting off that weenie on the Vespa tomorrow)	(117)
	Big juicy melons have a similar effect to Viagra	(191)
	Coolest public sculptures made out of Scotch tape and Saran Wrap you'll see, well, pretty much ever	(33)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this mating operation	(42)
(Streets of London)	Final reminder--Sacramento Fark Party this Saturday. Come on Bay Area Farkers, you know you want to drive out for this	(115)
(artofmanliness)	The Ultimate Man's Guide to Fireworks (aka Darwin's Dazzlers)	(122)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 165: "Mmmm Bokeh" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(337)

Wed July 02, 2008

	Sleep Sex Disorders? Isn't this just a nice way of saying drunken sex?	(111)
	Fireworks store burns down. OOOOOH AAAAAH the humanity	(55)
	Woman tries to get her dog back from neighbors by doing the only logical thing and stealing their cat	(42)
(NineMSN)	Protesters chain themselves to power station. Some will like it hot and sweat when the heat is on, while some will feel the heat and decide that they can't go on	(55)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)	Is it time to throw "under the bus" under the bus?	(98)
	Employee suspended for OUTRAGEOUS hair color that breaks dress code. Movie theaters DO have an image to uphold after all	(161)
	Engineer gets 110 mpg out of '87 Mustang. Next week's headline: Engineer found dead with 3 self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head	(346)
	Ten things you can like about $4 gas. Less disposable income suspiciously absent from list	(143)
	It's official -- Firefox makes it into the Guinness Book of World Records	(117)
	LA Times to cut 150 members of their editorial staff. In other news, print newspapers still exist. Who knew?	(58)
	On this date in 1937, Amelia Earhart nears completion of her record flight arou	(79)
	California couple who let lawn die to save water get hosed with $746 fine	(104)
	Florida to add national Powerball to its lottery game. Think they're bad now? Imagine Floridians with $100 million in lottery winnings	(41)
(Some Guy)	Bananas: the atheist's worst nightmare	(848)
(Some Guy)	Not all sunscreen actually w...WHOA...I'm sorry, what was I saying?	(164)
(Less filling, tastes great)	Urine for a treat, Miller and Coors have become one	(138)
(WWdN)	Wil is hosting a design contest on his blog	(78)
	Man places his soul for auction on eBay. Sure, you could bid on it, but you just know that Satan is gonna snipe you two seconds before the auction ends	(43)
	What do you call more than 2,000 guitar-players performing "This Land is Your Land"? Apparently, a new entry in the Guiness Book of World Records. (with video goodness)	(45)
(Some Guy)	Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers... nuff said	(110)
	Photoshop this happy dance crew	(49)
(Miami New Times)	Spelling Bee + Miami Beach + Alcohol = Fark	(31)
	"In a few decades, people will look back at [recent] heat waves and we will laugh.... We will find [them] lovely and cool"	(108)
	Limbaugh signs $400 million deal through 2016. Air America looking for another Boys and Girls Club for financing	(376)
	Apple iSued	(38)
(Some Guy)	Stupid: Liquid shampoo not allowed on carry on luggage. Capitalism: Each checked bag costs $25. Genius: Shampoo in the form of paper sheets. Milo Minderbinder approves	(117)
(ksl.com)	Not news: Gang member busted while joyriding in stolen vehicle. Fark.com: Stolen vehicle was a tricycle	(51)
	The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, and sometimes sideways	(35)
	We've switched the condominium pool area from clothed to clothing-optional. Let's see if anyone notices	(87)
	If you have been secretly peeping at your hot naked neighbor through her open blind window, don't worry -- she's at fault	(149)
	Today's made-for-Fark headline brought to you by Virginia: "Courthouse with dead opossum almost free of fleas"	(42)
(Some Guy)	AOL increasing dial-up fees. Both remaining users reported to be upset	(202)
	Ingrid Betancourt and three Americans freed from FARC. They got our hostages, but they'll never get our beer	(123)
	Don't pull out of a parking spot fast enough? That's a ticket, and another, and another, and another, and another	(149)
	Fox News' photoshop uglification of reporters that they hate is unconvincing. They should hire Farkers if they want it done right	(343)
	What gives a Stradivarius a superior sound? Hint: It wasn't his dead wife's blood	(97)
	Unlike the 60s or 70s earlier this week, the ten best car commercials from the 1980s will never let you cry, say goodbye or desert you	(78)
	After six years, 42-year-old Atlanta man successfully reverse-engineers New York pizza of his childhood, then shares technique in 22,000-word screed on his website	(213)
(LAist)	LAX shut down in security alert. One taken into custody. Place your bets: Terrorism or vibrator?	(199)
(Some Guy)	Heavy rains cause overflow at salad-dressing plant, flooding nearby residents' basements. "It's creamy ranch-dressing-looking crap," explains one. French surrenders	(67)
(Some Soaked Guy)	Because we are coming up on a summer holiday weekend, here is the history of the SuperSoaker	(144)
	Two men named Telly Savalas arrested in Tampa within 24 hours of each other. Who loves ya, baby?	(67)
	Texas lawmaker reintroduces bill forcing couples to wait two years for a divorce, with no consideration for time served	(275)
	At Buns & Guns, you can order a "Kalashnikov" sandwich from a bullet-shaped menu, prepared by chefs in military fatigues with the roar of explosions as background music	(85)
	Digg CEO Jay Adelson a dead ringer for a male model. Drew Curtis says this happens to him all the time and Jay will get used to it eventually	(46)
	Hedge fund fugitive Sam Israel III turns himself in. Suicide is painless, 20 years in PMITA prison... not so much	(121)
	High on drugs, man tries to walk on water with predictable results. Jesus	(78)
	Fourteen-year-old boy breaks into home, orders over $100 worth of pay-per-view porn. When the family returned home, they found the boy extremely sleepy and with his right hand still twitching	(157)
	Attorney: "I was too drunk to defraud my clients out of millions." Jury: "Not guilty." Beer: Is there anything it can't do?	(58)
	How to make news at normally boring mayor's speech? Sing the "Black National Anthem" instead of "Star Spangled Banner"	(362)
	Man sells stolen items at yard sale in the same neighborhood he stole them from	(46)
	News: Knife-wielding prisoner takes woman hostage. Fark: For beer	(31)
	Airline refuses to board dying man for final flight home because "if the plane crashed, no one would be able to help him"	(143)
(baynews9.com)	Boris is a hurricane again. EVERYONE RE-PANIC	(54)
	The free market has found a way to help you save on gasoline. Congress to ban the practice in three... two... one...	(324)
	Firefighter lifts a Chevy Blazer off a car-crash victim by himself. Florida tag acquiesces to Hero tag for this one time only	(98)
	If you are suspected in killing eight people, don't hang out at a cop bar	(71)
	If you plan on buying fireworks near Houston, you might want to make sure Houston hasn't annexed a few hundred feet of roads surrounding the firework stand in order to write $2,000 tickets	(331)
	Now then, let's see what the dumbest new city name is: Nowthen	(104)
(SJ-R)	Semi full of butter catches fire on I-55. Emergency crews call for lobster backup, STAT (video)	(53)
	Astrologers predict Election Day, Clinton's Senate departure and VP Bloomberg. It's not news... it's ABC News	(53)
	Three teenagers drive more than 10 miles to visit new Burger King. It's not news... it's The Tennessean	(133)
	He's c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill us	(198)
	"You would think a press release about a German Nazi war criminal named Johann Bach being caught in the jungles of Goa after trying to sell a stolen 18th-century piano would be worth double-checking"	(42)
	Rhode Island attorney general: In the mid-20th century, these companies sold lead paint. Rhode Island Supreme Court: So what?	(125)
	Tens of thousands of auto workers in South Korea went on strike Wednesday to oppose the government's lifting of a ban on U.S. beef imports, because everybody knows that cows shouldn't drive Hyundais	(110)
(Some Maroon)	Photoshop these bygone beauties basking on the beach	(72)
(Some Guy)	Remember that article about Muslims being outraged by an image of a dog? Yeah, that was made up	(415)
	Sorry we destroyed your house on accident ma'am. Here is a check for less than your house was worth. We're even, right?	(244)
	Drunken man loses poker game and is dared to run down a hallway in his underpants, inadvertently becomes a case study on the process of natural selection	(73)
	Pentagon unveils new enlistment waiver procedures to make it easier for the military to accept sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads and of course righteous dudes	(104)
	With every passing day, it's becoming clearer and clearer: Vegetables are murder. Subby would like his steak medium-rare, with a side of bacon	(240)
(Alexandria Times)	Today's "Man arrested for masturbating in a McDonald's drive-thru" story brought to you by Alexandria, Virginia (with mugshot)	(159)
	Woman arrested trading sex for gasoline. Police note that she was taking "getting screwed by high gas prices" way too literally	(87)
	"He is running for no reason. He is fully welcome in the United States. I cannot believe this is a big deal in Canada"	(281)
(China Daily)	In incident straight out of "Sweet and Sour Porky's," Chinese freshman detained for photographing nude female students and posting them to Internet	(59)
	Dan Quayle admits that trying to take on Obama is handling one really hot potatoe	(83)
	Retroactive tax hike has some Massachusetts residents angry, gasping for breath	(138)
	NJ wins Darwin Award for rash of tiki-torch oil-related deaths. Hair oil called in for questioning	(68)
(thehotjoints.com)	Heartwarming Iraq picture moment	(161)
	First it was the fatties, now it's right-wingers who are hissy fitting over "Wall-E"	(388)
	Child-support deadbeats who win at Colorado casinos have a surprise waiting for them	(87)
	Trying to get your pilot's license and need to rack up a few extra hours? Why not volunteer to pilot passenger flights for free? Nobody has to know you're not fully qualified. What could possibly go wrong?	(19)
	"CBS Evening News With Katie Couric" wins Edward R. Murrow Award for best newscast. In related news, Edward R. Murrow spins in his grave so quickly, he catches fire from the friction	(71)
	Employee forced to return to work with a broken arm, forced to use drill with left hand while steadying the drill with chin, resulting in worker breaking other arm. Boss STILL makes him go straight back to work	(89)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this worn-out logo	(57)
	Good for him: Jack Black wants to lose weight. Bad for us: So he can film more nude scenes	(63)
	British dentistry reforms are "failing." We're going to need a bigger "Obvious" tag for this one	(44)
	Every student in 8th-grade Harlem class gets 100 percent on state's math test. Washington Generals unimpressed	(219)
	Why wrestle with a convicted sex offender who broke into your house, when you can just have a couple beers together?	(71)

Tue July 01, 2008

	British man baffles scientists as he slowly turns into a woman. He's already developed breasts and smooth skin. On the upside he's now always right	(180)
	Firewood in short supply. It doesn't grow on trees, you know	(145)
	Baby otters safe after trip through town, including tavern and auto parts store. Baby otters (w/ "I Bite Your Face" pic)	(80)
	Chinese soldiers' morals being corrupted. By capitalism? Trotskyism? Materialism? How about karaoke?	(63)
(Long Beach Press-Telegram)	Seventy-four-year-old woman drives Cadillac through front window of liquor store, gets out of car, grabs a six pack of Budweiser and takes it to the counter	(92)
(Some Pool)	Photoshop this man's cannonball	(90)
	Retired engineer fulfills his wife's desire to get him out of the house, decides to ride every single city bus line in the Puget Sound from end to end, in numeric order	(73)
	Lyndon Baines Johnson's daughter's mother-in-law died yesterday. At least that's what my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who knew her well said	(56)
(Weather.com)	Hurricane Boris downgraded to Tropical Storm. EVERYBODY RELAX	(52)
	Man dupes entire Missouri town into thinking he's a drug enforcement agent	(115)
(The Chronicle of Higher Education)	What has valet parking, concierge service, and free ice cream? If you said "college" you're right. But, come on, there's no way you guessed that	(70)
	German Shepherd, one of the first at WTC on 9/11 and rescued the final survivor, will be cloned later this year after winning "clone-worthy" competition. Subby wants a copy too	(132)
	"There ain't no bugs on meee, there ain't no bugs on meeee. There may be bugs on some of you m..." I KILL YOU	(373)
	Utah Supreme Court rules you can shoot a man for giving you a wedgie, but only if it's an atomic wedgie. No opinion on the dreaded Rear Admiral	(44)
	Bacon painting sells for $29 million. Mmmmm, bacon	(37)
	Sioux Falls has the safest drivers in the country. In other news, there are automobiles in Sioux Falls	(53)
	Less than 1/3 of Texas third-graders and less than 1/10 of high school seniors pass standardized physical fitness tests. Now pass me some more BBQ, Bubba	(261)
	Starbucks to close 600 stores in the US. Subby wonders if that includes one of the Starbucks in Houston that is built across the street from a Starbucks	(617)
	Fifty-five percent of suicides represent 90 percent of attempts with a gun, whereas the other 45 oercent represents 34 percent of jumpers plus two percent of ODers. This math is killing me	(176)
	America No. 1 in cocaine use. USA! USA! USA!	(290)
(Leavenworth Times)	When driving down the road, no matter how difficult, you must fight the urge to climb into the back of your pickup	(38)
	Top 10 best car ads of the 1970s show marginally better production quality than the 1960s top 10 list yesterday. Improbably, the cars sucked more gas	(94)
	Redesigned gallon milk jug eliminates need for milk crates. College students seen scrambling for new bookcase-building materials	(349)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this man holding his... gadget	(86)
(KTVB.com)	Twenty-year-old girl is behind bars for having sex with a "younger than 16-year-old boy" (with "you'd hit it" mugshot goodness)	(464)
(laist)	Initiative is in the works to put pot-legalization law on November ballot in California. Buy your stock in Frito-Lay now, folks	(284)
	Tropical Storm Boris is now Hurricane Boris. EVERYBODY PANIC	(104)
	Pre-wedding "man showers" are growing in popularity as a way for men to bond, shed stereotypical roles, acquire skills to maintain a home and pick out Nancy boys	(204)
(KPHO.com)	Police are dispatched to a routine domestic disturbance call, only to find a lone man fighting with himself, changing the pitch of his voice as he acts out each part	(83)
	Man tries to sell weapons in 7-11 parking lot, claims he can't be arrested because of diplomatic immunity. Jailarity ensues	(54)
(Some Guy)	Headline: "Good cholesterol linked directly to memory loss", with best accompanying pic EVAR	(102)
(So Good)	Kid sets up Facebook group vowing to eat all 12 McDonald's value meals if 100,000 people join the group. 100,000 people join. He makes his attempt to eat all 12 meals and...	(210)
(Pontiac)	Pussycats and cars don't really go together. Do they? (Sponsored Link)	(64)
	Rubik's Cube slated to be No. 1 Christmas gift this year. No, this is not a repeat from 1980	(186)
	Bandits use Slingshot thrill ride to stake out crime (with pic goodness)	(110)
	Londoners swelter in the hottest day of the year, 82 degrees, or what people in Tucson call "sweater weather"	(242)
(The State)	And now, your 2008 Miss South Carolina contestants	(453)
	Kazakh model's death leap ruled a suicide. In related news, Kazakhstan greatest country in the world, all other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan No. 1 exporter of potassium, all other countries have inferior potassium	(158)
	Deaths in the war we should have been fighting and practically walked away from midway through have almost caught up to deaths in the war we shouldn't be fighting	(221)
	California's death row is close to collapsing because it has so many inmates. If only there was some quick and painless way to permanently remove them from death row...	(305)
	With a ban on hydrogenated oils starting today in NYC, NJ bakers are hoping New Yorkers cross the river to visit the Larden State for their baked goods fix	(230)
(news4jax)	Eighteen-year-old's body found at Gilligan's Island park after a one-hour search. A one-hour search	(156)
	If you're planning a trip to NYC for the dedication of the new towers to replace the Twin Towers... um, we've got some bad news for you	(200)
	Denmark world's happiest country; United States 16th. USA! USA! USA!	(273)
	Excuse me, nurse? There's a woman dying on the floor in the psych ward. Oh, it's not your job? Well, what about the security guards who ignored her lying there? Not them either? Okay, well she's dead now, so no rush	(353)
	Thanks to merciless teasing, the gift cow with antlers that France gave to Canada has gone into hiding. No, really, that's what the story actually says	(42)
	One day your inbox may be filled with \^/473®/V\3\|_0\|\\| spam	(62)
	Photoshop this tennis player	(63)
	The coolest pictures of insane people kayaking over waterfalls you'll see for a good 26 minutes	(58)
	In a move that hopefully catches on, Sydney makes it a crime to annoy other people	(64)
	Happy Canada Day, farkers. To help you celebrate, here's a collection of massively patriotic videos that has the power to create honourary Canadians out of anyone who can manage to get through them all	(226)
	150 years ago today, Charles Robert Darwin presented his theory explaining why fuel thieves carry Zippo lighters, drunks retrieve their hats from bear enclosures and Texans get out of bed in the morning	(854)
	Man discovers he has two asses	(68)
	If the cops write on your ticket that they saw six inches of plumber's crack in the back and pubes in the front, you might be wearing your pants too low	(86)
(NewsLite)	This art show will run and run: Artist pays sprinters $20 per hour to run around a top UK art gallery	(25)
	The life of a serial streaker. "Wearing a mankini is not a streak. If you wear anything -- shoes, mask, a feather in your hair -- it's not streaking." With pic	(44)
(Some Stoner)	Sometimes it takes a crack CSI team, the detective skills of Holmes, and the fortitude of Ness to catch a criminal. Sometimes it just takes sitting at a desk at the courthouse and waiting for the pot to drop in your lap	(33)
	Gas station busted for selling gasoline mixed with water	(68)
(Some Chap)	Old and busted: Cops on bicycles. New hotness: Bobbies on jetskis	(43)
	Seven people from around the world with real mutant superpowers. Think "X-Men" without the shiatty one-liners	(240)
	I m goin 2 kill u if u dont pay me lotz of money i m in ur fonez sendin u deth thretz lolz	(37)
	Chicago man arrested under charges of impersonating a doctor and felony possession of a fish	(34)
	World's most unhealthy carnival foods... or as they're called in the South: Breakfast, lunch and dinner	(134)
	"One witness was legally blind, but later told a reporter that she is confident the defendants were guilty partly because she is a Pisces and therefore 'psychic.'"	(81)
	Monday at midnight a Georgia state law goes into effect allowing concealed firearms to be carried anywhere. Politician vows to bring his gun to Atlanta Hartsfield Airport on Tuesday	(414)
(Some Guy)	Fewer than one in three children can perform basic tasks such as writing their own name. You guys should check this link out, it's pretty interesting -- Drwe	(91)
	Pissed-off homeowner posts video of thieves that stole his bike on YouTube. Police: "You'll taint the jury pool." With what, witnesses?	(83)
	Photoshop Theme: What drove Al Gore's home electricity bill up 10 percent in 2008?	(71)
	Prince Charles mods his Aston Martin to run on wine. And this is a guy who knows a thing or two about horsepower	(60)

Mon June 30, 2008

	Q: What do you call it when the schools need $400M to avoid shutdown, massive layoffs are likely unless the city council can find $55M while dodging federal wiretaps and the mayor could be in prison within a year? A: Detroit	(156)
	Denver to DNC protestors: First Amendment, not yours, you can't have it	(339)
(My Fox Phoenix)	Hey kids, now you can dress like your favorite fundamentalist cult leader	(102)
(WFSB.com)	When pondering what to do with your upcoming holiday weekend, the police suggest that you do not stroll the highway wearing only a thong, fake breasts and a wig	(49)
	"We've got heavy traffic on northbound I-5 and east I-880, and if everyone on I-80 could make some room, right now, we'd really appreciate it. This has been your KCBS traffic report from high above Oak--"	(46)
	Kentucky man celebrates the 50th anniversary of buying his first Corvette by adding number 18 to his collection. Still hung like a hamster	(98)
	To avoid legal issues, porn bookstore starts selling used books. They hope the idea sticks	(66)
	Fox station files "report" on giant promotional device for Fox movie. It's not news, it's... just not news	(62)
	Gamers to the state of Minnesota: "P\/\/N3D"	(94)
	● ● ● ▬ ▬ ▬ ● ● ● / ● ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬	(148)
(LA Daily News)	Actual headline: "Naked Women's Wrestling League bests Carmen Electra in court ruling"	(83)
(Some grossed out Portlander)	Some beverage companies add vitamins to their bottled water. Portland, Oregon adds people instead	(114)
	Want to shoot two men in the back for breaking into your neighbors house and not get punished for it? Move to Texas. That would make a catchy slogan	(1034)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)	Not news: Man commutes two hours by bus. News: He's 71, makes $25 an hour, and goes by "Mr. Wizard." Fark: His "job" is begging. Tag is for the rich kids who give him twenties	(149)
	Man found in car in city park with his pants open, belt unbuckled, and a sock over his genital area. When asked what he's doing, he said "just relaxing in the park."	(107)
	Taser building headcam for cops to fend off next "Don't Tase Me, Bro"	(45)
	Flat-screen TVs making television armoires about as scarce as quality sitcoms	(179)
	Giraffe helps camels, llamas and some zebras escape from the circus	(76)
	Thieves break into Home Depot and use display tools to rob store safe	(100)
(Cape Cod Times)	Teen makes great use of one phone call after arrest	(541)
	Irish village crowns a goat as King Puck for the 398th year in a row. With bonus She-Ra photo	(71)
	Man who auctioned his life on eBay to find out what it was worth has received his answer: just over tree-fiddy	(70)
(Some Useful Guy)	Photoshop theme: Useful gadgets. LGT inspiration	(55)
(Some Guy)	Driving out of your way to save money on gas is probably making you spend more on gas. Here comes the Scions	(107)
	If you are wondering why soaring food prices haven't affected you at the grocery store yet, you haven't been carefully reading the weight/volume markings on those giant packages/containers you are buying	(353)
(Some Guy)	Ahmadinejad's wife is a hottie	(450)
	Fark: Man arrested for whacking his mother with his sausage. Still Fark: An actual three-pound pack of Polish sausage. Sausage	(95)
(White Trash BBQ)	Illegal barbecuing is occurring in Prospect Park. Don't worry, park rangers are "being deployed" to crack down on this menace	(142)
	Roundup of the worst dumbass anti-terrorism ideas that were actually patented -- such as a trap door that springs open for terrorists in case they try to break into the cockpit	(151)
(The Business Sheet)	Architect who designed Dubai's rotating skyscraper hasn't designed a skyscraper before but "feels ready to do so." Also, that "honorary doctorate from Columbia University" on his resume? He didn't really mean that	(201)
	New York Times explores popular misuse of the Ironic tag	(190)
	Florida is importing starving, neglected, rescued puppy-mill dogs because apparently they're experiencing a shortage of locally rescued abused animals	(79)
	Customer notices false Internet usage charges on bill, complains. Sprint says block all Internet access. Customer does. Sprint then signs her up for $15/month data plan. Stupid tag too busy beating head against wall, Asinine tag steps in	(141)
(Some Guy)	Editorial cartoonists share their favorite reader hate mail. It's gonna be hard to top "Ann Coulter has more patriotic blood in one of her used tampons then you have in your whole body"	(165)
	Summer in the U.S. has just started. Here is your obligatory "Tales of Lawn Mower Injuries," courtesy of CNN. It's not news, it's predictable	(61)
	1908 Tunguska asplosion researchers confirm meteorite theory -- if it had just waited four hours, 47 minutes longer, it would have wiped out St. Petersburg with devastating force	(230)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to steal gas by drilling holes in people's gas tanks, don't leave your personalized drill behind (with pic of criminal mastermind)	(66)
	You're a teenager and you want to make friends at your summer job. Do you: D) Go on your local news and rat your coworkers out for drinking alcohol on the job?	(128)
	Leftists to blame for gasoline overconsumption. Who knew?	(118)
	Murderous dictator Robert Mugabe celebrated as a hero by other African leaders at a conference. Tell us more about cancelling debt for Africa, Bono	(240)
	All states that will change a foreign car's oil at a Wal-Mart, please step forward. Not so fast, Idaho	(238)
(Mojo In The Morning)	File under "Ways to get the week off of work for the Fourth of July": Detroit City Hall loses power and "will take a week to repair." (Milton reportedly the last person in the building)	(67)
	Eliot Spitzer wants to know how come he's disgraced when a slob like Jim Gibbons of Nevada (R-ubbing Up Against Some Waitress Again) still has a gig	(231)
(Some Involute Guy)	Photoshop this logarithmic spiral	(52)
	(Elizabeth * 400)^2 - Elizabeth2 = Fark.com	(113)
	If you're drunk enough that you think stealing a rowboat to cross one of the world's busiest shipping lanes is a good idea, then you're probably too drunk to finish the trip	(61)
	News: Student writes "F*ck off" for English essay. Fark: Nanny State gives him two points for correct spelling and managing to convey a meaning. Bonus: He would have received an extra point if he used an exclamation point	(141)
	Boyfriend of Russian suicide model goes into shock when he realizes that he's never going to hit anything that hot ever again	(295)
(KARE 11)	You know it is a slow news day in North Dakota when a moose marriage is the top story	(50)
	While at the hospital, he managed to mumble one word: "Lightning"	(102)
	If you happen to have left a bag full of scorpions, turtles, lizards, tarantulas, frogs, salamanders and snakes at Mexico City airport, officials there would really, really like it if you could come and pick them up. Please	(32)
	"Two of the models only have one arm, one has lost a leg, and one 'had all the neurons sheered off' in her brain -- set your TiVos for this week's premier of 'Britain's Missing Top Model.'" (With video preview)	(115)
	They are now digging for oil in Beverly Hills at some upscale mall. No word on how close this is to the Clampett estate	(62)
(Some Guy)	British children get to buy cigs and porn. American children still stuck with Spongebob Happy Meal toys	(47)
(Pennlive.com)	Rider climbs from Ferris Wheel at Hersheypark because he "didn't like the conversation he was having with his female companion"	(92)
	British police asked to show restraint in the face of a handcuff shortage, as their supplier for the last 200 years closes down	(30)
	Soap-opera star's brother stabbed to death, although this may just be part of an elaborate dream sequence	(30)
	If you're going to carefully disguise a $20,000 spy camera as a trash bag to catch illegal dumpers, don't be surprised when it winds up in the municipal landfill	(34)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these fine fishermen	(42)
	Man with a "for sale" sign in his parked Ford Escort ticketed for running a street business without a license	(104)
	No matter how much you dislike the town you live in today, at least it wasn't shut down by a pack of rambling swans	(38)
	Romero-esque poll finds that men feel more positively about one night stands than women	(135)
	Housewife getting ninth breast op so she can go from a 34FFF to a motorboat-muffling mind-blowing GG. (With current photo)	(310)
	Are you smarter than a British seven-year-old? Most British adults aren't	(99)