Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-06-15 23:59:59'

If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

Not News Sports Business Geek Showbiz Politics Music Video Voting

These links may be stale and generate errors. Can't do much about it. Tastes like chicken.

(Headline T-Shirts are still available for archive links.)

Sun June 15, 2008

(Some Guy)	FAQ: So ... you have a demon	(57)
	Not only do some say Princess Di's butler had sex with her regularly, he also got to see the Queen naked. Lucky	(31)
	Britain launches crackdown against super-stretch limos after revelations that they breach safety standards, drive on the left side of the road	(23)
	Police say man wasn't acting strangely in bushes. He was just putting on makeup (w/ helpful pic)	(40)
(LewRockwell.com)	TSA screener maces himself and eight fellow screeners trying to throw away a can of pepper spray. Still no sign of Osama	(120)
	Teen walks around with a bullet in his head rather than let police remove it for evidence in a robbery he's allegedly committed	(60)
(Some Blogger)	Blogger does "Where are they now" from "Stand By Me" kids, includes insightful observation "Wil Wheaton is really a nobody"	(189)
(Some Guy)	Second-century Roman d20 sold for $17,925. Submitter always rolls XX	(66)
	Man arrested for impersonating National Guard soldier. No word yet if his sentencing will be spread out over one weekend a month, two weeks a year	(50)
(Some Guy)	Her 1st hubby ran off with her mom 10 days after the wedding, her 2nd was a stand-in after her fiance left her & the 3rd was a bigamist. Her 4th husband cheated before the wedding, but she says this one will last. Fark: She's only 24	(188)
	What do you do when you slip and fall because of bird droppings? Sue the National Audubon Society, of course	(87)
	Newspapers have finally figured out they don't actually need news in order to publish articles	(61)
	Pennsylvania official who introduced new tax on booze surprised to find that it's made him only slightly less popular than Osama bin Laden among Pennsylvanians who drink to try and forget that they have to live in that shiathole	(127)
	Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. Also, every time the cost of gasoline goes up a penny, it costs the US Postal Service plenty	(63)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this kid going ballistic	(49)
	Texas Rangers turn rained-out game at Shea into the world's biggest Slip-n-Slide. The Sun is not there	(53)
	Man, dog, survive 200-foot plunge off cliff in car. Your dog wants air brakes (bonus: cutting-edge MS Paint re-enactment)	(84)
	Teen sets world record by solving a 4x4 Rubik's Cube in less time "than it takes most people to assemble a peanut butter and jelly sandwich"	(74)
	Now that Nepal has abolished the monarchy, everyone is asking the important question: What will happen to Hitler's car?	(33)
	Where is Elian Gonzalez now? He has "joined" Cuba's Young Communist Union	(327)
(Glens Falls Post Star)	Hospital forced to keep Level 3 sex offender indefinitely at taxpayer expense until a handicap-accessible home can be found for him	(79)
	BBC correspondent stops at US petrol station, buys gas at bargain price, discovers beef jerky	(167)
	In another encouraging sign that Afghanistan's government is getting stronger, they're preparing to invade Pakistan. This should end well	(75)
	Oil companies get okay from the government to annoy polar bears. What could possibly go wrong?	(252)
(Some Guy)	Man breaks world record by applying 415 tattoos in 24 hours, the majority to a single stoned coffee shop clerk who thinks that and the five pounds of metal stuck in his face will prove he's "different" and "edgy, man"	(123)
	So you want to become a German citizen? You know who else... oh, nevermind	(66)
	Come for the cheap gas, stay for that show with the donkey	(57)
	Apparently, robbing a Wal-Mart in your wheelchair is a good way to get banned from the store	(17)
	Lauren Bernat, the librarian, now has trouble finding work because of Wii Fit Girl. Michael Bolton unavailable for comment	(180)
	Want a transgender teen sex slave? Sign up with the Massachusetts Department of Social Services	(83)
	This. Is. Genius	(139)
	Scientists finally confirm that Mentos and Coke can be a dangerous combination. Professor N. S. Sherlock unavailable for comment	(39)
	Gifted students are the newest victim of Every Child Left Behind	(288)
	And the Lord said, "I shall appear to you on a cross of french fries, and you shall partake of my body, dipped in my blood, ketchup"	(44)
	Today's hot young females are demanding real orgasms, forcing men to take pills to keep up	(407)
	Soon, every town in Massachusetts will have a law requiring sex offenders to move to the town next door	(164)
	Stockholm women named "most beautiful in the world"	(116)
	Your sex life may be a bit too kinky if it requires police involvement	(45)
(some Yat)	Local TV anchor charged with DWI after flipping vehicle. Bonus: Station's motto is "on your side"	(25)
	Big fire in Humboldt County burns 74 homes, taxes the nation's Funyuns supply	(23)
(Some Dumbass)	Man ties his son to a tree overnight, two nights in a row, to "discipline him for misbehaving". Since you're reading about it here on Fark, you can guess it did not end well	(87)
	New owners of Boca Raton office building discover long-forgotten giant tube leading to the Intarwebs. It's faster than modern pre-wired buildings, "several times faster than a traditional T-1 or other fiber-optic connections."	(101)
(Some Russian Guy)	Photoshop these classic hairstyles for men	(44)
	He was a 6-foot-6 genius billionaire with a chiseled frame, physical endurance and a taste for fast cars and gadgets. Oh, and he had a drug-fueled orgy cave	(89)
	20-year old Army medic, who is only the second woman to receive the Silver Star since WWII, comes home to a hero's welcome. With video goodness	(44)
	Amazing photo of houses on the Cedar River. Literally	(85)
(shorpy.com)	Caption these Brokeback soldiers, at ease	(49)
	Man jumps off mountain, falls 260m as parachute fails, says ta-dah	(33)
	Annual 22-mile Horse vs Man race won by a margin of 30 seconds by horse Dukes Touch of Fun. 30 seconds? Dukes sucks	(30)
	John McCain - "It's tough in some respects" to be proud of the United States of America. Watch out, John, you're starting to sound a little bitter	(179)
	Bush begs "get Osama Bin Laden before I leave office" in hopes that his presidency won't end up a total failure	(230)
	Happy Father's Day. What would you say to your father today if you could? (w/voting)	(384)
	Gays and lesbians who fought for the right to get married have found out that being married sucks	(186)
	Toilet fumes cause "drunken" symptoms among pilots and crew, force emergency landing	(34)
	Man spells "botir..", um... "boatary"...uh..."pancakes" to win senior age spelling bee	(15)
(KCCI)	The Iowa Cubs set record for attendance during game with Nashville: zero fans. I know they're a Cubs affiliate, but c'mon	(51)
	92-year-old banned from marrying 17-year-old. Even dyslexics would see that's wrong	(34)
	New study finds that right-wingers really are nicer people	(404)
	Kid who quit high school just before graduation, because he did not want to tell on a friend who cracked his knuckles & disrupted class, finally gets diploma. At age 94	(41)
	Stephen Hawking turns down a chance to be Sir Stephen. And tells his government to stop hacking away at science research budget	(161)
(Some Gal)	Not News: Fight breaks out at trailer park. News: Over 40 people involved. Fark: One man was armed with a large Samurai sword	(84)
	Photoshop this Chinese military unit and their cargo	(46)
	Problem: your restaurant is suffering a rodent problem. Do you... (c) paint over their lifeless bodies and hope no one notices	(87)
	Two teenagers arguing over the nickname "C-Thug" get their asses handed to them by a 44 year-old woman with a butcher knife, earning themselves the nickname "B-Slapped."	(124)

Sat June 14, 2008

	If you're going to hide drugs from the police, "under the hood of the patrol car" is a bad choice	(18)
	The Last of the Red Hot Branding Lovers	(43)
	Cardiologist hides camera in office bathroom to spy on patients and staff, is promptly found out when staff sees a bill from thespystore.com come to the office. Well, it's not like he's a brain surgeon or anything	(59)
(Some Guy)	Man arrested 23 times for 'impersonating a transit worker'. In other news, it's against the law in New York to be rude, slovenly, and work only one hour a day	(39)
	Bridal frock shock. Some shops now charging $20 for each dress a bride slips on and others set a flat fee of $60 an hour to stop schoolgirls and "brides without grooms" wasting shop-owners' time	(443)
	Hero: One-legged war veteran saves mother and baby from thugs. Fark: He's arrested for having a truncheon in his back pocket	(177)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this jet-engine inspector	(70)
	Apartment won't end a soldier's lease even though he must go to basic training in 19 days. "It's important we're consistent with the way we deal with people."	(307)
	Mother accused of stealing her own baby from hospital after getting caught up in abduction training exercise. On the bright side, at least nobody got shot dead this time	(43)
(Some Guy)	School groups protest forthcoming beer pong game for Wii. Game company claims beer pong actually discourages drinking because, "If anything, you're going to be drinking less"	(93)
(Some Snowflake)	Fairfax County, Virginia schools abandon "valedictorian" in favor of groups of "honor graduates." Reactions range from, "This is a communist system" to "I'm glad I don't have to give a speech."	(162)
	Ugly ass goat wins most beautiful goat title	(32)
(Some Flag Law)	Today is flag day. What did you do to celebrate it? If nothing, why do you hate America?	(371)
	Girl is shocked, SHOCKED to have won $20 in the lottery	(98)
	"Urban futurist" predicts Edmonton will become a world class city thanks to low taxes. Of course, he'd say the same thing about Moose Jaw if he were speaking there	(113)
	Man found not guilty after killing police officer who raided home with knockless warrant	(492)
	Having solved all other problems, Massachusetts House of Representatives bans "casual Friday" attire (including Celtics jerseys) from the State House	(36)
	Despite the warnings and the dangers, locals in Iowa can't resist the lure of floodwaters. "It's probably not a whole lot different than somebody wanting to go to a national park and see Old Faithful or the Grand Canyon."	(72)
	Remember those Florida tomatoes that were declared salmonella free? Well... maybe not so much	(73)
	Today's "ten year old boy faces jail for badly-drawn picture of shooting" story brought to you by Taunton, Mass	(205)
	Spider monkey uses garden hose to flee Indiana zoo. Spider pig unvailable for comment	(35)
	Town councilor refers to female colleagues as "three nice bits of stuff". Colleagues object because only one is, in fact, a nice bit of stuff, while the second is clearly mediocre and the third is a man, baby (with semi-manly pic)	(95)
	"Researchers at MIT believe they've discovered a new weapon in the battle against tuberculosis: Free cell phone minutes." Still no cure for can... oh wait, someone is beeping in	(31)
	"The worst may be behind for Wall Street - or not." Hard hitting reporting from the Associated Press - or not	(42)
	High gas prices prompt people to move closer to where they work. Quick, to the Romerocopter	(113)
	Finally some good news: Expensive gas means fewer teenage drivers	(78)
	Step 1: Steal 840 frozen pizzas. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Profit. Apparently, Step 2 is not "Crash pickup truck into fence while being chased by cops for speeding, run away, then report vehicle as stolen two days later."	(22)
	Refusing medical treatment after a car accident? That's a tasing	(82)
	Princess Eugenie, daughter of the Duke and Duchess of York, discovered frolicking naked and drunk on the grounds of her boarding school. God shave the Princess	(119)
	A 22-gun British warship that sank in 1780 found intact on the bottom of Lake Ontario with 70-foot tall masts still intact. That's seamanship Mr. Pullings	(115)
(Inside Higher Ed)	Overwhelmed by student loans? Blame a 1989 Justice Dept anti-trust probe	(82)
	Everybody was kung-fu fight...screech EVERYBODY PANIC	(20)
	Bank customers beat snot out of bank robber, send him to hoosegow. Don't mess with Texas	(57)
	Man receives parking fine for his tractor that hasn't left his barn for 14 years, for parking in a city he hasn't been to for 45 years	(27)
(FDNM)	Bear bites off more than he can chew when trying to take on a St. Bernard. Good thing he wasn't much bigger, or it would've been grizzly	(29)
	Crack squad of 50 police officers surround and arrest gang of youths looting stores. No, wait, it was just one 4'7" 12-year-old boy who found a £10 note hanging out of a cash machine. But in all fairness, he is black	(87)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this banjo	(47)
	Woman began an incestuous affair with her long-lost father after tracking him down. Yep, pics	(135)
	Edinburgh police addressing the root of their fair city's problems - loud bagpipers	(20)
	Scientists rally to keep hybrid "supercats" out of country, fearing it could lead to SuperCaturday	(453)
	If the penis cast don't fit, you must acquit	(60)
	Man faces 40 years in prison after he was found cruising down the highway with brown in the diaper he was wearing	(22)
	"Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby." "That's a negative Ghost Rider, the pattern is full." Two downed aircraft and one dead pilot ensues. He's lost that lovin' feelin'	(58)
(Some Guy)	Police solve cold case of thieves who lock themselves in freezer	(9)
	Saucy man robs pizza parlor, makes off with the dough. Police release typical cheesy description, don't expect the case to mushroom. That's basilcally it	(16)
	College co-ed fights for her right to streak using popular "Have we lost our senses of humor?" defense	(68)
	Italy refuses to be outdone by Austria: Italian family keeps woman locked in room for 18 years	(27)
	Wii Fit girl may be a hoax, obvious tag barely trumped	(127)
(Oregon Live)	If you were planning on picking up your precious snowflake from their last day of elementary school in a limo, Lake Grove Elementary has already said "no."	(50)
(Some Godless Heathen)	'Shop this shaman shaking his spirits	(36)
	Detective makes promise to rape victim, tracks man for 10 years	(108)
(Some Clueless Marketers)	MMMmmm penis lighthouse gummies	(40)
	Nurse pulls a cop from a burning car and gets 10 months in jail for her troubles	(213)

Fri June 13, 2008

	This week's TSG mugshot roundup dedicated to Dads everywhere. Happy Father's Day	(94)
	Two children in Spain have been admitted to a mental health institution to be treated for addiction to their mobile phones, when they should have been out having sex	(28)
	Two Danville, Calif. boys find out the hard way that the best place to stargaze isn't in the middle of a residential street	(61)
	Scientists have recovered soft tissue and blood vessels from a a 68 million-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton and plan on replicating the constituent DNA. No need to panic	(202)
	Woman dying of cancer gives three cats and $30,000 donation to sanctuary, calls to get one back when her health improves. Sanctuary says, "No, you can't have your cat back. Not yours."	(117)
	Northern Japan rocked by 6.9 magnitude quake	(122)
	If only all AP articles were so tastefully illustrated...	(181)
	What do you do when your neighbors won't let you use their pool? Break into their house and write "PIGS" in your own blood on the walls, of course...	(106)
	Oregon allows home beer deliveries. Drew last seen packing his bags and heading west	(91)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these Ga-hoy'b'flavins	(55)
(Some Guy)	Hasbro introducing My Little Pony underwear for adults. Catherine the Great not amused	(142)
	Siegfried and Roy welcome new tiger cubs to Vegas habitat. Roy available for comm -- LOOK OUT IT'S A BIG TIGER -- hehehe... just kidding, Roy. Roy? You okay? Damn... someone call a shrink. (Oh, and there are pics)	(97)
	Attention homeless people: Leave the woods or we will be forced to give you a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in and three round meals every day	(111)
	Subby forgot just how dorky '90s commercials were. LGT video	(162)
	Man sacrifices himself to save his wife from a freak June blizzard on Mount Rainer. As RAH once said, "This is how a man lives, this is how a MAN dies"	(213)
(Some Guy)	The coolest R2-D2 cake you'll see today. Although you shouldn't eat it -- the red one has a bad motivator	(97)
	Europeans are going to miss Bush -- AKA, The Boogeyman -- in ways they are only beginning to understand	(124)
	Tim Russert has signed off for the last time	(1302)
	AT&T: Termination fees are ultimately a great deal for consumers	(136)
	R. Kelly found not guilty. Prosecution pissed	(332)
	NASA: Don't worry about that foot-long object that fell off the shuttle. Oh, and that thing sticking out of the rudder? Yeah, that's just an illusion. All clear for tomorrow's landing	(122)
	Two people capped at soda bottling plant	(67)
	Man steals $375,000 in transit fares, leaves most of it in his garage	(31)
	If the sign says "15 items or less," you better damn well have 15 items or less	(214)
	Woman arrested in 22-year-old cold case has other dead spouses... five of them. Drew Peterson reportedly interested in setting up a date	(54)
	Man who claims he can never work again dances up a storm	(118)
	Physics is fun: Scientists find that hind-leg running lizards are actually pulling a wheelie	(63)
(WESH.com)	Judge throws out Sears sex sting evidence because there's a reasonable expectation of privacy inside a bathroom stall. In other news, Larry Craig moves for a change of venue	(136)
	Fraudster hedge-fund manager said he didn't kill himself because he didn't want to set a bad example for his son. So he faked his own death and fled the country instead	(44)
	D.C. cops abandon checkpoint plan. Not because it was unconstitutional or anything, they just failed miserably	(81)
(naplesnews)	Mom on beer run leaves kids to melt in the rain: "I don't want them anymore anyway"	(171)
	Oil slips to $135 after... shakes Magic 8 Ball... OPEC questions high price. Wait, what?	(270)
	Mystery object spotted floating near space shuttle (with pics)	(240)
	The non-smokers replacing the business of exiled smokers are annoying, self-righteous douchebags who don't tip well	(720)
	BC Transmission Corporation accused of intimidating power line opponents. Just goes to show that power corrupts	(26)
	Republican delegate from Texas shocked, SHOCKED to see statues of nekkid wimmins in our nation's capitol. Wants to remove all nudes from the National Gallery of Art	(751)
	FINAL REMINDER: Friday the 13th NYC "Superstition" Party at Crocodile Lounge. LGT location, DIT for those of you who missed it the last two times	(49)
	Car thieves take advantage of the fact that it's easy to blend in with other traffic and make a clean getaway. This does not apply if you've just stolen a 21,600-pound all-terrain forklift	(19)
	Escaped monkey is "sociable." Presumably shopping for a boat to use as an ark	(27)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop yourself being what you wanted to be when you grew up. LGT example	(98)
	Calgary (the city) wonders if Calgary (the font) represents them well	(67)
	Top story on abcnews.com: Is the Apocalypse upon us? How about "no"	(154)
	With rising gas prices, peddle-by shootings gaining popularity	(47)
	Tornado hits University of Kansas' nuclear reactor. In other news, University of Kansas has a nuclear reactor	(193)
	Americans think their own lives are swell, but are convinced the whole country is going to hell. Why? "Our impressions of the nation as a whole come from the media and from political blather, which both exaggerate the negative"	(258)
	Crash survivors "considered eating pilot." This of course was on the tarmac after they had sat there for seven hours	(55)
	Can mass transit rescue America? Spend 15 minutes on a crowded NYC subway, and that'll answer that question	(260)
	From the "Goes Without Saying" File: Records show tasered man had history of resisting	(56)
	An Asian black bear and a pussycat are the bestest friends. The Sun is there w/pics. We know it's not Caturday, but it's too damn cute to pass up	(100)
	Having solved ALLLLLL the world's other problems, the United Nations says Britain should abolish its monarchy	(294)
	Advocates ask court to stop border agents from messing with our God-given right to fill laptops with porn	(83)
(HealthDay)	Study finds that later school start times result in students getting more sleep. In other news, water is wet, the earth is round, John McCain is old	(119)
	I am the walrus, and I am one year old. Give me my bucket. Goo goo g' joob (with pics)	(63)
	Top 10 best places to live in the U.S. Your city/town is probably not on here	(761)
	Irish say "No" to EU treaty, adding "Now give us another bloody pint"	(182)
	Today's misleading headline: The teabag, a British favourite born by mistake, is 100 years old	(71)
	Go ahead and jump in the pool right after eating BBQ. Make sure it's in the shallow end as those water wings don't work. It's not ABCNews.com, it's "Mythbusters"	(52)
(Some Guy)	Always make sure you take the snapping turtle out of the sink before the health inspector arrives at your restaurant	(83)
(KHNL)	You're gonna need a bigg- um, ANY boat (with video)	(70)
	You all heard of the women living in that guy's cupboard. This guy had a "colony of Kosovans" living in his roof. The Sun is there	(62)
	Boy has been ordered to tear down his treehouse because he doesn't have planning permission for it	(100)
	REMINDER: NJ Fark Party on 6/21 at Tumulty's in New Brunswick. LGT Previous thread	(126)
(The Local.de)	No matter how worried you are that you're going to miss your plane, calling in a fake bomb threat is never a good idea. Especially on your traceable cell phone	(21)
	Dutch statisticians, emerging from long coffee-shop session, claim that Friday the 13th is actually safer than average Fridays	(42)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this flyscreen	(38)
	Foul-mouthed "Big Brother" housemate sparks 750 viewer complaints. In related news, at least 750 people are apparently still watching "Big Brother"	(48)
	It really sucks when you're facing the death penalty and the prosecutor and the judge are sleeping together	(125)
	Think the proven existence of aliens would end Christianity? Think again -- believers would simply change their interpretation of doctrine. Xenu unavailable for comment	(489)
	After native species were hunted to extinction in the 12th century, pair of German beavers invade England and build a six-foot dam (with pic cuteness)	(61)
	Too cheap to rent a hotel room? Try the confessional box. "The Catholic church... we've made a few changes"	(31)
(Some Guy)	The eight places where you probably lost your virginity. That would be location, not anatomical area	(374)
	Hen stuns its owner by turning into a large cock	(77)
(Some Guy)	Take a look at these pictures. If you see anything naughty in them, you are a corrupt, sick individual. Or a farker. (Not safe for work, depending on your perspective)	(104)
	Sniff 23 armpits. Get caned 18 times. Then prison, 14 years. That stinks	(49)

Thu June 12, 2008

	Outraged by the SCOTUS ruling on the Gitmo tribunals, Senate Republicans vow to amend Constitution to strip it of habeas corpus	(1023)
(Some Gal)	Photoshop this lady in denial	(61)
	Well, so much for that episode of "WKRP in Cincinnati"	(98)
	Today's display of natural selection waiting to happen: bicycle polo	(51)
(Jacksonville.com)	Finally some news out of Florida with the words "molesting" and "crabs" in it that does not involve a teacher-student relationship	(28)
	That whole shower curtain scare? It turns out that the researchers only tested one shower curtain. Not one brand, one curtain	(99)
	Following the suit of such notable conservative states like California and New York, Pennsylvania set to ban smoking in most public places	(169)
	Hazzard's Cooter figures he drank 43,000 beers, 2,000 jugs of whiskey, wine, gin and vodka, and smoked pounds of pot in the 20 years he was out of control	(90)
	Letting your 5-year-old daughter give you a tattoo is wrong on so many levels. What kind of a parent--a skull and crossbones? Cool	(87)
	Muslim kids in Saudi Arabia are taught to kill adulterers, apostates, and evil Jewish traitors. And by "Saudi Arabia" I mean "Virginia"	(248)
(IT Business Edge)	Old and busted: Quitting your job because the corporate culture sucks and it's a dead-end that's slowly sucking your will to live. New hotness: Quitting your job because they block Facebook	(180)
	Old and busted: Magic vs Bird. New hotness: Kobe vs Pierce. Now if Odom could just learn to stop picking up cheap fouls, we might have a series worthy of the rivalry on our hands. This is your NBA playoff thread	(732)
	Man gets ticket for showing his moobs in public	(75)
(Poughkeepsie Journal)	"City police looking for small, uppity dog"	(75)
(Some Frat Boy)	Tornado heavily damages SAE fraternity house at Kansas State University. That's their story and they're stickin' to it	(131)
	A perfect storm of alcohol and testosterone ends with a firefighter placing a police officer under citizens arrest	(87)
	Dallas goes for the coveted crane collapse trifecta when another one falls at the construction site for the new Dallas Cowboys stadium	(77)
	Continuing its bid to chronicle irrelevancy, Guinness Book of World Records declares George the Bunny the oldest living rabbit (with "Are you sure it's alive?" pic)	(63)
	Chicago teachers union takes out $3 million in loans to stay solvent because its top officials were using union funds for educational materials. They are now fully educated about booze, gourmet meals and satellite radio	(85)
	Poorly tattooed Asian MySpace dwarf-slut Tila Tequila takes full credit for the gay marriage ruling in California	(442)
	Congressman who hates America wants to outsource all our hotness to foreign models	(90)
(Some Guy)	Having solved all of the nation's other problems, California Congresswoman introduces bill to make the FCC lower the volume on TV commercials	(276)
	According to "experts" the healthiest thing you can eat at the movie theatre is seven dollars in change, which is also the least expensive thing you can eat at the movie theatre	(83)
	Today's media fear-mongering brought to you courtesty of your shower curtain. Yes, it WILL kill you. EVERYDOY PANIC, RINSE, REPEAT	(101)
	Photoshop this country barn	(70)
(ReRun)	Scientists find out why bees are disappearing. 1970's television	(97)
	Q: What to do with 237 tons of cannabis? A: Put it in a ditch and have the RAF bomb it with Harrier jets	(418)
	Man wants school district to pay him $400 because it rained on his kid's graduation day. Isn't it ironic?	(198)
(Some Guy)	Police in Tennessee are on the lookout for a stolen Coors Light beer truck and its $21,500 payload	(184)
	Contrary to popular beliefs, Jesus was not a long-haired hippy	(487)
	People turning to Medieval technologies to save on gas. No, and it's not burning witches again	(138)
(Hollywood Wire)	Diversion of corn to ethanol could cause higher prices for movie popcorn. Still doesn't explain why raw popcorn selling for 31 cents a pound from the wholesaler costs you $7 for a bucket of a few ounces	(144)
	Old and busted: the caffeine in your coffee kills you. New hotness: the cup your coffee is in kills you	(123)
(NewsChannel9)	Today's "female teacher molests female students" story comes from Chattanooga. However, there is no giggity in this case. (with mug shot)	(292)
	Brobdingnagian brewer of Bass, Beck's, and Brahma brings bid for Budweiser buyout	(157)
	Kraft adds more anus to hot dog recipe to make them zestier, meatier	(371)
	Six strippers arrested in Indiana police raid. With mug shot "goodness."	(268)
	Today's WTF headline some courtesy of the AFP: "Dustin the Turkey urges 'no' vote in Irish EU poll" (with photo of said turkey)	(31)
	The Stockholm Subway Map with station names in translated English. One single to Sharp Nude please	(89)
	After a hard day of computer programming and martial-arts training, Burcak Veral dresses up as Audrey Hepburn and sallies forth to solve crimes in Istanbul's transsexual community	(68)
(India Times)	Times of India dispels Newman cancer rumors in between stories about vampire monkey gods and guide to harvesting organs of albinos to increase potency	(33)
	15 year-old eigth grader to be charged as an adult for bringing a gun to school. Wait, a 15 year old eighth grader?	(168)
	Camden, NJ school officials forced to apologize for vice principal who made unruly kids eat their lunch while sitting on the gym floor. Kids apparently complained the food tasted like balls	(65)
	Apology issued for ads dissing Boston subway drivers: "most conductors don't look anything at all like halibuts. Some look more like groupers or flounders"	(58)
	Hugo Chavez threatens $200/barrel Oil if US does not surrender; Venezuela about to liberated by mushroom clouds of freedom	(466)
	ESPN looking to rezone property in order to expand. Get ready for The Ocho	(63)
(Daily Camera)	On second thought, selling gift certificates to Liquor Mart may not be the most appropriate high school fund raiser	(31)
	Detroit suburb considers hiring sharpshooters to take out growing deer population. "Wild animals only care about two things: procreation and survival."	(101)
	Even the gamblers aren't buying former NBA ref Tim Donaghy's story of widespread game fixing	(104)
	Brits are out of work because they are lazy, unmotivated couch pasties who wouldn't know a job skill if it dropped in their pint of lager	(112)
	Still not able to afford an apartment in the building he works in, lottery winning doorman decides to use his winnings to concentrate on one of his other passions - women	(137)
(New Musical Express)	Every now and then a story comes along that restores your faith in humanity and gives you hope for the future. In this case, it's Pharrell Williams telling us "I made Madonna cry like a baby"	(110)
	Today's winner of a guaranteed trip to hell... David Wayne Baker, who stole $90,000 worth of brass vases from Maryland cemeteries	(60)
	Man carrying fake rocket launcher, projectile in car arrested for possession of hoax weapon of mass destruction	(82)
	The Gunshine State ranks second in firearm exports used in crimes	(198)
	The terrifying truth about Komodo Dragons: They'd much prefer to eat a water buffalo's testicles than yours	(105)
(Some Hungry Guy)	Photoshop this dessert	(50)
(Some Alabama graduate)	When robbing gas stations, choose stores where you are not known by your first name & do not present photo ID	(28)
	Lake Delton opted out of federal flood insurance in 2001. Oops	(195)
	Caption Barack Obama pointing something out	(277)
	New York City's shrine to smoked fish celebrates its 100th birthday - to clarify, this is about an old restaurant and not Kim Cattrall	(57)
	Old and busted: Road rage. New hotness: Supermarket check-out lane rage	(293)
(Scripps)	California man wants to build 200-foot Jesus on EPA mountain cleanup site. MC 900-foot Jesus unimpressed	(84)
(Some Guy)	Marijuana potency highest in thirty years. Funyun stock to get high too	(221)
	What is wrong with Amtrak? Nothing $15 billion won't fix	(179)
	Dalai Lama backs 'good friend' Sharon Stone over China earthquake comments. "Everything is karmic," he says. Including, presumably, Basic Instinct 2 (w/video)	(96)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this net thrower	(29)
	Nine survive plane crash in Chile. Rescuers report that the survivors appear remarkably well-fed	(49)
	Priceless - sending a video of yourself masturbating to her mobile as she is in the police station making a complaint about you stalking her	(92)
	The five most ridiculous SkyMall products money can buy -- if you still have any left over after stowed baggage fees	(104)
	People with higher IQs are less likely to believe in God	(1447)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 162: Trails--I Can See Where You've Been. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(208)

Wed June 11, 2008

(Some Guy)	Tornado hits Boy Scout camp in Western Iowa. At least 40 injured and 4 dead	(418)
	Texas man credits God, cell phone and overalls to surviving 2-hour bee attack	(60)
	Man walks 25 miles in 90-plus-degree heat so he can be sentenced for a DUI conviction. Once he gets there, has to go to the hospital for dehydration. Gets to do the trek all over again because the judge decided to postpone his sentence	(66)
(The Morning News)	Ever wonder what that sultry voice on the other end of your favorite 1-900 number looks like? Wonder no more	(196)
	Canada: Oh, you DIDN'T want to be ripped from your families and forced to learn English and become Christian? Our Bad	(211)
	That judge presiding over the pr0n obscenity trial? Yeah, he's a furry	(404)
	The "office freakout" video was all a viral marketing stunt by some wannabe douchebag director. Go back to your cubicles, America	(90)
	School shooter: "I didn't realize that you shoot somebody, they die." The Pac Man defense?	(152)
	Can you name the ugly ass newborn camel? VE	(88)
	Secret British documentss on al-Qaida found on London train. That's some mighty fine secret agent work, Nigel	(63)
(infowars.com)	Fark.com RIP 1999-2012	(324)
	Chinese parents are naming their children "Olympic Games", "Defend China", "Space Travel", "Civilisation" and "Hope for Sichuan". Still not as bad as some Hollywood names	(72)
	Spring brings flowers, melted snow and a renewed search for Steve Fossett	(36)
	Insecure male bloggers get up in arms over the ads for an all-female law firm	(122)
(nbc5i.com)	Today's crane accident brought to you by Dallas, TX. EVERYBODY PANIC	(46)
	11 great Beer Festivals of the West. Not your ordinary Top 10, this list goes to 11	(90)
	Archaeologists find ancient palace thought to belong to Montezuma. Their first clue was the empty bottles of Pepto Bismol all over the place	(68)
	Ugly-ass baby beluga born. If only there was a well-known song that could be joked about in the headline	(77)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these vintage cheerleaders	(63)
(Canadian HR Reporter)	Stripper shortage forces Ontario clubs to get creative, hire newfies	(264)
(Some Multicorn)	Living unicorn found drinking from chocolate river while on the run from a pack of rainbow puppies	(122)
	Skiers loving Mt. Hood after Oregon gets 3-4 inches of global warming in June	(379)
	Preemptive comments: 1) "You're doing it wrong." 2) "FAIL." 3) "What's his Fark handle?"	(250)
(Some Guy)	Ever wonder what happened to all those unsold Magic 8 Balls? Wonder no more	(133)
(Alertnet.org)	Pakistan increases military spending to 300 billion rupees, plans to outfit military with large shields and extra health potions	(113)
(Military.com)	Not news: Crate falls off truck. News: Crate falls off of Air Force Humvee, and is full of M-16s. Fark: Man returns rifles by calling Air Force and leaves them in a horse trailer	(76)
	This is why you don't let your mother pick your prom date	(335)
(So Good)	In the most earth-shattering breakfast cereal news since the release of "Berry-Berry Kix," Lucky Charms announces they are adding a new charm	(209)
(Some Guy)	The lesson, kids? If you're going to tell lies to make yourself more impressive, at least make sure they're un-Googleable	(130)
	Why does the Energy Department hate America? $5.00 a gallon gas, here we come	(438)
	HASH(0xa8081f8)	(132)
	Brutal summer ahead: B.C. pot crop threatened by cold, wet weather	(99)
	Nine-week old puppy rescued after passerby sees mama dog pacing above storm drain (w/pic of ugly-ass pooch)	(101)
(Some Guy)	$tudy L1nk$ B0tN3t Gr0wth t0 Pr3Sc1pt10n Drug$. p3n1s	(45)
(Some Guy Who Hates Jerks)	Think it's okay to treat people who serve you like trash? This guy (er... gal) would like a word	(1211)
	Now THAT'S dedication: today marks the 45th anniversary of Buddhist monk Thich Quang Duc's self-immolation in Saigon	(223)
(Some Bearded Guy)	High school bans all facial fair because school board president believes, "students will perform better when more is expected of them. "	(212)
	Landlord keeps heat on instead of air conditioning during heat wave because the law says the weather isn't allowed to turn hot until June 15	(104)
	Apparenly, online yellow pages think VP Cheney holds down a second job	(74)
	The coolest toy skyscraper you'll see today	(92)
	Study says moms of twins more likely to be sleep deprived. Still no cure for cancer	(77)
	Man uses stolen credit card at store, fills out job application after purchase. "I'm not saying he was smart" said the police captain	(37)
	Never give up, never surrender: Gov't tries to revive failed '98 law aimed at stopping children from seeing online porn, because nothing on the Internet has changed much in the last decade	(104)
	Not news: Bookkeeper uses company's credit cards for personal spending. News: blows over $40,000. Fark: on Tupperware???	(63)
	Why you should care about the Midwest floods even if you don't live in the Midwest: that Value Meal you want for lunch is about to get a lot more expensive	(209)
	More than three dozen traveling salesmen tossed out of Minnesota hotel for being rude, fooling around with local farmers' daughters	(94)
	Man says a cold drink from Sonic first gave him a head freeze, then a chest freeze, then he crashed into a house	(106)
	Caption what the Donald is thinking as his crazy comb-over explodes on a windy day. VE	(114)
	Court rules that Air India has right to prevent air hostesses from flying if they're overweight. Still awaiting ruling on hostesses with pointy knees	(48)
	Because of rising cigarette prices, Americans are turning to snuff, small cigars and roll-your-own cigarettes	(222)
	Backyard fireworks gain popularity. This is not a repeat from every summer since the dawn of mankind	(77)
(Times-Tribune)	"Chronic financial instability weighs on philosophy major." But getting a masters and doctorate in philosophy will cure that	(210)
	Man ends up pepper sprayed and arrested -- after falling off his couch laughing at a TV show	(136)
	Dear Sir, how would you rate your recent surgical treatment at our hospital? Good \| \| -- Bad \| \| -- Fatal \|✔\|	(34)
	When eluding the sheriff by cutting in front of a train, the "in front" part is critical	(66)
(Some unmarried guy)	Classy white trash wedding... Bride walks down the aisle with a black eye after punch-up with the caterer (oh, and a dog was involved too)	(152)
	Double-entendre sex jokes in the work place are mean, man tells woman in court. (Yes, you read that right, man tells woman)	(472)
	Dumbass steals a necklace, then stops to admire his new jewelry in the reflection of a CCTV camera	(40)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop theme: Products with unnecessary instructions (LGT example)	(78)
	Cool video of the descent of a shuttle SRB set to music	(65)
	We can't stop here. This is tiger sanctuary country	(43)
	Not news: Farmer killed. News: He was pinned and killed by farm machinery. Fark: the farm machinery was being driven by his sheepdog	(71)
	Drunk, stupid, and slumped over the wheel of your car with an open bottle of Jäger is no way to go through life, son. Especially if you're an off-duty police officer	(38)
	Aussie uses can of rum to save himself from a snake bite. On his penis. Penissssssss	(95)
(Some Guy)	Pledge of Allegiance gets replaced by singing Preamble to the Constitution in a public school. The reason you are reading this is because a pissed-off mother called the news	(524)
	County government to let needy family live in foreclosed home. That is, until the rich neighbors complain and have the house demolished	(299)
	Shahk	(169)
	Student at Bryan Adams High School must wear GPS tracking device to thwart future truancy. Can no longer run to you during school hours, admits device cuts like a knife into his social life	(71)
	Lady tosses out $190,000 with the trash	(72)
(KPHO)	97-year-old woman denied right to vote in 2008 elections because she has no ID, was born before birth certificates were issued	(215)
(WOAI)	As if high oil prices, tanking economy, heat waves, killer tornados, killer tomatoes, earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes weren't enough - rattlesnake venom is getting stronger	(95)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this master alarm box supervisory panel	(39)
	Nice tits, have a pleasant flight	(268)
(Times Herald Record (NY))	Business owner and former school board member arrested in plot to attack activists with hot sauce, following a painstaking pizza-box forensic investigation - this week, on CSI: Bullville	(33)
	If you've ever harboured irrational fears of being declared dead but still being alive when doctors harvest your organs, this story probably won't make you feel much better	(99)

Tue June 10, 2008

	CDC finds snowboarding the most dangerous outdoor activity, followed closely by sledding, hiking, and anything that happens in Alabama after declaring "Hey y'all watch this"	(167)
	University of Florida apologizes after just realizing it's been posting students' names, addresses and Social Security numbers online -- since 2003	(113)
	Can the Lakers make it a series? Will Phil Jackson choke a ref? Can Paul Pierce suffer another "heroic" injury and recover faster than a European soccer player? Tune in tonight and see	(549)
	And so it begins: LA doctor threatens man with tire iron after cutting in gas line	(167)
	Want to ride the roller coasters at Six Flags? You'll have to check your bags each time at the cost of $1	(213)
	Cheering at graduation results in 7 people getting a go directly to jail card instead of a diploma, with police on sight to prevent any standing, hollering or clapping	(216)
	Don't you hate it when you find out your backyard is really a conservation easement and you can't legally install a pool or put up a swing set or even mow your lawn	(160)
	Print a front page article supporting flag burning complete with pic, get your student paper shut down. First Amendment. Not yours	(190)
	Study finds St John's Wort doesn't help kids with ADHD as much as Uncle John's Belt	(136)
(Some Happy Guy)	Photoshop these smiling faces	(68)
(Some Guy)	Dolphins are probably smarter then the average person	(237)
	Hemingway's library: Any book you want, $200	(74)
(Some Guy)	All your favorite characters... made out of balloons	(69)
	$23,000,000,000 lost, stolen or enron'd in Iraq - and you're not allowed to know about it	(853)
	Guess the organization that has a bunch of slack-jawed yokels working with outdated equipment: If you said K-Mart, you're close	(89)
	727 has been sitting in Hanoi airport since 2007. Still no sign of lemon-scented napkins	(118)
	Problem: New Australian law makes selling bongs illegal. Solution: Bong shop closes down, re-opens next day as Exotic Water Pourer Emporium	(153)
	Reporter and wife discuss their recent quest to have sex every day for 100 days. OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HER HAND	(772)
	Golf carts begin to escalate their war against humanity	(55)
	Judge forces YouTube pranksters to apologize via YouTube. If only that judge could get an apology from Rick Astley and that "Final Countdown" cover band	(64)
	"Password" is world's most commonly used password, followed closely by " ********* "	(319)
	Now all we need is to determine is whether the monkey has ever been too drunk to fish	(44)
	The Austin public school system is fighting a rule that says they have to give out stats on how many employees have criminal histories. "Not in the public's interest," say school officials	(97)
	Sen. Obama throws a tantrum because someone questioned the motives of his paid staff employee. Conveniently forgets his campaign did the same exact thing to Sen. Clinton	(442)
	Disgruntled former radio-station employee attempts to Molotov his former workplace, ends up just setting himself on fire	(51)
(Some Siembieda)	Gamers lose another icon, even if they didn't know it. Good night, gamerman	(73)
	If you're questioned by the cops as to whether or not you were drunk when you ran over a 12-year-old, it's best not to answer with "not as drunk as my two friends"	(60)
	Principal wants "dignified ceremony," so he has senior who gave audience the finger arrested and handcuffed. Yep, that'll maintain the dignity of the proceedings. (With mugshot goodness)	(186)
(Political Gateway)	Michigan town wants to ruin everyone's childhood, stop ice cream vendors from playing their music	(104)
	After the massive fraud conducted by Katrina victims with their emergency debit cards, government decides granny should get her Social Security that way, too	(84)
	Sudoku causes dismissal of jury because they were playing during evidence presentation	(78)
	Pew Research Center gets in touch with their inner Romero and discover that young people value wealth. Who knew?	(60)
	Hospital scores coo, admits pigeon for rehab	(21)
	Rule 1: Don't date a man with a history of violence. Rule 2: If you do, don't have sex with other men. Rule 3: If you must, don't call him up during said intercourse	(628)
	First they went after drug dealers, then booze and car theft. Now Hamas faces its biggest challenge since taking over control of Gaza last year: Internet porn	(163)
(Some Cougar)	Not news anymore: 27-year-old woman sleeps with 13-year-old boy. Fark: She's not a teacher (with "we report, you decide if hittable" pic)	(127)
(KRON)	350 cases of beer bound for Euro 2008 instead ends up unleashed upon the German autobahn. Hey, looks like we found Drew	(29)
	Nectar of the broke: The world's five worst ways to get drunk	(220)
	More tomatoes pulled off shelves nationwide. WHERE'S YOUR BLT NOW?	(144)
	Nothing good can happen if you need your mom, your mom's boyfriend, and your 24-year-old date to convince security to let you into the prom	(92)
	America's obsession with overregulating traffic is making us less safe	(178)
(Naples News)	"Twisters seemed to spare more substantial neighborhoods and pop up and down from one mobile home park to another"	(76)
	Man tries to steal dough from Dunkin' Donuts, finds himself in a jam when the cops arrest him. He's in for a cruller fate in PMITA prison, since he won't be able to fritter away his time there	(36)
(Some Guy)	Man's skull is pierced by a nail from a nailgun. Actual quote from doctor requesting claw hammer: "It went in like that, we can pull it out like that"	(88)
(Some Oklahoma Guy)	You just got caught speeding. Do you: C) Hit the gas and start a chase, ditch your car, run away on foot and pick up your car the next day from the impound lot -- no charges filed?	(107)
	Strongly-worded note found outside Mexican newspaper offices threatening the editor. Apparently, someone felt the severed human head they left a couple days earlier was insufficiently clear on that point	(55)
(Metrowest Daily News)	Man busted for "pounding on the rear door of Kentucky Spirits, screaming that he wanted beer." Hey, has anyone seen Drew lately?	(16)
(Some Guy)	The Western Star has discovered Fark. Welcome to the party, Western Star, the keg's in the kitchen. Try not to get drunk and throw up on the drapes	(77)
(Some B-Roller)	Television is like sausage: You don't want to see it made -- and it doesn't look very appetizing once it's finished	(44)
	Snowflake obese at 18 months, but mother is off the hook because "she just won't eat vegetables. Also, I don't know what you're talking about, she's perfectly healthy"	(323)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Cindy Sheehan's 16th minute of fame	(56)
	If you thought bicyclists were annoying before, imagine this: They just formed a union	(380)
	Oil prices drop because oil consumption is down because oil prices are so high. In tomorrow's news, oil prices rise because oil consumption drops because oil prices are so high	(343)
	"The road was closed while the Hartford Police Department's bomb squad came and blew up the chicken"	(40)
	Slow news day: Piglet is afraid of mud, wears Paddington Bear toy boots to keep clean. (With awwww-worthy pics)	(66)
	Japanese housewives doing their bit for the planet by washing their husbands' laundry in the same load as the rest of the family	(98)
	Cooking a grilled cheese on the sauna rocks, and eight other things that are inappropriate at the gym	(248)
	News: Prince Charles settles debt. Fark: It's been outstanding since King Charles II failed to pay in 1651	(65)
	Woman, 25, and man, 27, denied purchase of BBQ sauce (containing traces of alcohol) without ID. "It's not as if we were going to go and sit down the park drinking it"	(200)
	Cop shot on training mission was "pretending to be robber." Tragically, it was all a little TOO realistic	(125)
	Gas prices are so high, it's forcing some police officers to walk all the way to the doughnut shop	(51)
	Southern Baptists may be traveling that long, lonely path taken by the dinosaurs those thousands of years ago	(886)
	Unintended consequence of the mortgage crisis: Increased risk of West Nile Virus	(51)
(Commercial Appeal)	Sorry Memphis, but we're No. 1 in violent crimes. Love, Detroit	(150)
(Daily Express)	Miracle drug found in peking duck. Scientists flock, eager to get quacking	(65)
(Mlive.com)	Step 1: Find a closed gas station to break into. Check. Step 2: Locate heavy object to break glass. Check. Step 3: Make sure county sheriff does not live next door to said gas station	(13)
	What do you want on your tombstone? The 11 most bad-ass words ever uttered	(323)
(Some Guy)	At age 112, Henry Allingham is not only the oldest man in Europe, he's also the last survivor of the Battle of Jutland, and the last living member of the RAF's initial cadre	(55)
	You can now buy a rotating ice-cream cone in case you're too lazy to lick. "All you have to do is put your tongue on to the ice-cream rather than lick. It really is a lazy person's ice-cream cone as it does everything for you"	(79)
	If you're running for office, don't get drunk and lead the cops on a high speed chase	(26)
	World's largest restaurant can't serve alcohol? Check please	(41)
	Eight signs your partner is addicted to porn. Sign No. 1: Your partner is a guy	(383)
	From the "Who Could Possibly Have Seen This Coming" Department: Handicapped placards, which let you avoid the London congestion charge and park in no-parking zones, selling for up to $10,000 on eBay in the UK	(62)
(Some Guy)	Maple tree thieves who pined fir freedom leaf court making an ash of themselves	(27)
	Not news: Dog eats cane toad. News: And survives. Fark: So did the cane toad, which has been named "Spew" (with spew-worthy pic)	(31)
(Some Psychic)	Photoshop this fortune teller	(56)
(Some Local Guy)	Restaurant owner who fired waitress for shaving her head realizes he's an asshat and apologizes	(82)
	Elite school says English is too hard, too many students are failing, so the subject should be dropped. Could set welcome precedent for school nerds failing phys-ed	(127)
	Tennessee's oldest death row inmate dies of natural causes. Suck it, capital punishment proponents	(145)

Mon June 09, 2008

(Some Guy)	If you are going to steal gas, putting black tape on your license plate will draw more attention, not less	(45)
(Some Hawkins)	This Thursday is the end of the world. This time we mean it. Those other two times were practice	(228)
	$6 gasoline by summer's end? EVERYBODY SPECULATE	(290)
(Santa Rosa Press Democrat)	If someone asks you to hand over all your money so it can be "tested" for drug residue, just don't do it	(39)
	First tomatoes with salmonella, now a hotel with Legionnaire's disease. What's next? Typhoid? Polio? A scurvy outbreak?	(93)
(NWCN)	Woman on Weight Watcher's sues Chili's because its "diet" menu items have much more fat and calories than advertised	(288)
	Man robbed at knifepoint while mowing	(49)
	Finally a reason not to get out of jury duty. Upcoming trial to feature hours of watching of "extreme porn" to determine if maker violated obscenity laws	(146)
	Apparently there is some sort of food crisis going on in Ethopia. Ric Romero on the scene	(104)
	Rep. Kucinich (D-Me Lucky Charms) introduces articles of impeachment against President Bush	(2327)
	Sailors aboard USNS Mercy take shots in rear. Submitter is on the ship	(91)
(Real Examples)	Theme: "Read" posters not found in your public library	(85)
	McClellan agrees to testify under oath before Congress about the role BushCo played in Plamegate, Attorneygate and Torturegate	(262)
	Dear Congress: If you don't get us more oil I will personally stomp each and every one of you headfirst into the ground in the Alaska National Wilflife Refuge. Love, Chuck Norris	(423)
	Actual headline: Woman dressed as bumblebee gives birth after friend's hen night -- and she didn't even know she was pregnant. Fark: Poor kid weighs two pounds and was most likely born hung over	(147)
	The Daily Mail asks the important questions of our day: Who's pulled the hotter gold-digger, Prince William or Prince Harry?	(102)
(Greenville Online)	"Jackson told the officer that he lived in room 257 with his girlfriend and her two children, Pickles and Toy Toy. He couldn't give the woman's last name, telling the officer that he had not known her for long"	(69)
	Georgia now has a drive-in church, for all those good Christians out there who just don't have time for that whole church-going experience	(41)
	Nanny state now warns kids to be careful when they go crabbing. They do not want the crabs to be stressed	(44)
	Kayakers stranded in the San Francisco Bay because of choppy waters upset at morning rescue efforts because "it was disturbing a beautiful sunrise"	(66)
	For the first time in nearly 25 years, a non-fighter pilot has been named to lead the Air Force. For those who don't know, yes, this is a very big deal	(148)
	Amputees left short handed and without a leg to stand on by insurance companies are starting to partially fight back	(54)
	Weird (even by Chinese standards) live goldfish key chains called cruel by British RSPCA	(97)
	You'll need a million dollars to retire comfortably -- otherwise, you'll die alone in a van by the river	(180)
	Home sales drop 13 percent from last year. Go ahead, guess the spintastic headline	(183)
	Michigan-shaped meteorite sells for $20,000 at auction. Winning bidder then traded the rock to Detroit for Dontrelle Willis. Tigers are ecstatic	(35)
(RushLimbaugh.com)	Senator Obama has been caught plagiarizing yet ANOTHER person's speech	(589)
(Some Guy)	If you think spam e-mail is clogging the tubes, try being on the receiving end of almost 400,000 in one day	(57)
	iPhone 3G is official and half the price of your still-sweet first-gen iPhone	(307)
	Spanish truckers blockade border of Spain and France over price of diesel fuel, which is as much as $9 a gallon in Europe and is sold in decorative liter bottles wrapped in gold leaf and topped with a bow	(60)
	Woman changes jobs mid-career to become high school teacher; finds it a rewarding and valuable position. Just kidding, she discovers teenagers are rotten immature little jerks	(141)
	The FDA says using large amounts of Johnson & Johnson Foot Ulcer Cream can give you cancer	(42)
	Study: One-fourth of NYC residents are beautiful and go hiking, sailing, other things you see in a Valtrex commercial	(195)
(The McDowell News)	Despite the promise of better restaurants and topless bars, North Carolina prohibitionists press their cause	(60)
(Edumacation News)	Old & butsed, dyslexia. New hontess: dyscalculia	(117)
(Some Huck Finn)	Darwin gives a generous pass to a pair of drunkards who take on a flooded river with an air mattress	(66)
(Columbia Tribune)	Health department recommends closing unhealthy restaurant. Rats? Roaches? Salmonella? Food poisoning? Raw meat? Nope. If you guessed for cigarettes, you win	(517)
	Newsy: Priest fired for having affair with married woman in his congregation. Newsier: He sues the church for unlawful termination. Fark.com: He wins	(119)
	Somebody in Holland is digging holes in public parks and lining them with spikes. Mmmm, pit-roasted foot kebabs	(87)
(Daily Californian)	Government quietly confirms that California is on the brink of a massive drought. This will end wells	(181)
	Dog finds his family nine days after tornado destroys their home	(62)
	"Ten best excuses for being late to work article" lists the 10 worst. CNN top 10 lists, you're doing it wrong	(258)
	Saudi thinks gas prices are too high... sort of like college students saying beer is too cheap	(215)
	New York Times discovers that people who make less money spend a higher percentage of their income on gas. In related news, half of all Americans have a below-average income	(160)
	Reporters set out to uncover gas stations cheating people with faulty pumps, find out that more pumps give out too much gas. Congress to subpeona someone for this outrage	(17)
(KYW 1060)	The latest just-in-time-for-summer/not news/health warning: how your Flip-Flops could kill you. EVERYBODY PANIC	(190)
	"An abundance of choice may actually make people unhappy." We're miserable because we have too much stuff and too many options. Call the pimped-out Whaaambulance	(114)
	Culinary writer samples best that grocery store's ice cream aisle has to offer. Klondike, Drumsticks make cut. Chipwich left out in the cold	(155)
	New road sign could be introduced on Britain's country roads to help prevent lorry drivers from being led down unsuitable short-cuts by their satellite navigation systems	(82)
	Researchers are shocked -- SHOCKED -- to discover that teen drivers ignore cell phone restrictions	(164)
	Once again, for men, size really doesn't matter	(366)
	Chicken finally captured at McDonald's. It's not news, it's CNN	(76)
	Women everywhere resolve never to have sex again: The rise in sumo-sized babies	(111)
	Photoshop this torn phonebook	(39)
	The Romero Meme Squad at the Seattle Times suddenly discovers the "Swear Jar" ad that's been on the Internet, "generating lots of buzz," for, oh, almost a year	(57)
(Some Yuri)	Ukranian coeds protest water cutoff by stripping down to bikinis and underwear and jumping into a public fountain with their hot Ukranian coed friends... didn't really work out the cause/effect part of the equation	(201)
	Bandits now stealing empty beer kegs for scrap metal. And so it begins	(78)
	British sailor loses his watch in Gibraltar harbour during the war. Gets it back 67 years later and it still works	(121)
	When cell phone technology converges with rail technology, Darwins	(54)
	Robbers mug teen with three-hole punch. Police searching for Herbert Kornfeld as a person of interest	(60)
	Just two days into a heat wave, Con Ed demonstrates they were as ready for the extra power demands even though most New Yorkers expec	(114)
	Three-hundred-pound mastiff 1, burglar 0. Forget steak, this dog wants the whole cow	(434)
	This precious little snowflake couldn't bear not winning a prize	(134)
	Mayor surrenders city to a pirate with a wide stance. Bonus: "As consolation, I'm going to let the mayor touch my sword"	(57)
	"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm, we'll be switching planes now -- the one we were going to use we just ran into..."	(33)
	You know a bar is particularly good when the manager fails to notice a 20-person brawl and three gunshots	(40)
	Dear judge, please excuse James Baker from his DUI trial today. He was injured in a car accident while driving the wrong way up I-95 last night, injuring four and killing one	(91)
	"There is a positive correlation between unpopular first names and juvenile delinquency," according to researchers not named Ernest	(175)
	Bestselling fantasy author and avowed athiest Terry Pratchett, who recently revealed he was suffering from Alzheimer's, has hinted that he has found God but forgot where he put Him	(357)
	Parents pull 125 pupils out of town school, protesting delays in upgrading its outhouses. Wait, what?	(40)
	Photoshop Theme: Literalisms of Internet lingo	(57)
(Some Guy)	The strangest story of death by a cobra you will ever read	(74)
	Man has been fasting for 15 days in front of Senator McCain's office in hopes of meeting with him to talk about 9/11 conspiracies. "I'm accusing Popular Mechanics as being part of the cover-up"	(507)
	Pancake fundraiser flight kills six. John McCain inconsolable	(81)
(ABC 7 Chicago)	Deadly accident at chocolate factory. Willy Wonka and some Oompa Loompas wanted for questioning	(38)
	Go ahead, have that affair guilt free because it will save your marriage	(247)
	Child's kiss deafens Hicksville mom. LOL WUT?	(77)