Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-06-08 23:59:59'

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Sun June 08, 2008

(Some Guy)	Nothing quite like a good old-fashioned book burning	(95)
	Bad: being an albino in the blistering sun of sub-Saharan Africa. Worse: Being hunted and killed by criminals trafficking in your "magical" body parts	(105)
	Champion pigeon racer quits the sport after spies hide in his bushes trying to dig up dirt. "I am now out of it. I have given away all my old pigeons and I am in the process of getting rid of my young ones."	(51)
	Crash victims slash wrists and fling their own blood at rescuers	(57)
	"If anyone here has any objections to this couple getting married, let them speak now or forever hold your peace." STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB PUNCH "...duly noted."	(31)
	1000 divers spent the weekend looking for underwater debris. Discover 30 shopping carts, a lot of commodes, a couch, a traffic sign, and Batman	(63)
	As the national average for a gallon of unleaded regular gasoline reaches $4, keep in mind that mere months ago President Bush accused a reporter who asked about $4 gas of liberal bias	(423)
	Virginia set to execute man that they claim is not mentally ill. Man says after he is put to death he plans to "go to Burger King and maybe ride a motorcycle."	(282)
(Columbus Dispatch)	PETA: to Kent State: "Your golden eagle mascot is unhappy" Kent State to PETA: "I dunno, she seemed to enjoy that last meal of rats, venison and day old chicks"	(138)
	Iron Photoshop ingredient: Red	(76)
(MentalFloss)	Five average Joe's that made it big. Only one is actually named Joe. If you don't know this Joe then it's a Joe you don't know	(49)
	At the Tribune Company, size matters, and reporters that want to last longer will need 3 more column inches, and harder reporting. Peabody	(57)
	Man, 84, finally gets to attend high school prom, spikes punch, knocks up the prom queen	(44)
	Bad day: scuba divers swept away in strong currents must scramble to remote island. Worse: then had to fight off Komodo dragon	(101)
	If you're a student and you like milk, eggs, fish, shellfish, tree nuts, peanuts, gluten, penicillin, vaccinations, soy, polyester, or cotton, then here's some bad news for you	(365)
	Original Grand Canyon vs. Grand Canyon Skywalk: the canyon isn't big enough for the two of us	(94)
	All those tax dollars spent on anti-cigarette ads are working. Kids now prefer joints	(115)
	Question: what percentage of women sleeping with their students are actually "hitable"? Answer: 4 in 10 (with slideshow goodness)	(120)
	Fathers4Justice strike again: This time Captain Conception and Cash Gordon hijack government minister's roof and demand equal access to children for fathers. They won't come down until she reads "Family Court Hell"	(147)
	Early morning four-alarm fire at Texas Governor's Mansion declared arson	(134)
	Parents of the Year nominees kept their young girl on strict vegan diet; now at age 12, she has rickets and the bone brittleness of an 80 year-old	(467)
(Some Guy)	Family Circus finally figures out that sex sells. (See upper left corner)	(212)
	Quis custodiet ipsos custodies? ACLU to set up checkpoints to monitor the DC Police's vehicle checkpoints set up to turn away motorists who don't have a "legitimate purpose" in certain neighborhoods	(180)
	The ten brainiest places to retire. Get off my plot of Poacae	(87)
(Riverfront Times)	You want to buy some spray paint? Sure, no problem. I'll just need to see some ID	(154)
	Four pensioners in Cuba are running a round-the-clock operation to stop people stealing the spectacles off a statue of John Lennon	(36)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this colorful model	(57)
	"You are all in contempt of court. Can you hear me now?	(81)
	Canada deploys cardboard cops to deter speeding. In other news, cardboard Ferrari clocked at 150 clicks	(53)
	Coming soon to a state near you, Sam-N-Ella's Tomato Emporium, the fastest growing franchise in the country according to the Centers for Disease Control	(36)
	In an effort to spare the delicate feelings of the accused, political correctness moves into the court room	(149)
	UK smoking ban causes a spike in outdoor heaters. Government urges everyone to wear something fabulous instead	(28)
	Hillary now faces biggest challenge of her career: Crushing trauma from losing a close race. Says Jimmy Carter: "When you lose you will get depressed. I mean seriously depressed"	(264)
	Caption this sidewalk debate	(51)
	Man gets in spat with wife over "best before" date, decides to prove his point by eating increasingly out-of-date food. Additives and preservatives surrender	(179)
(Some Guy)	Dead man wandered from accident scene, was overheard mumbling something about brains	(42)
	Rabbis declare giraffes kosher	(73)
(press of atlantic city)	Woman in wheelchair survives fall down elevator shaft, but is expected to remain in wheelchair	(45)
	Nineteen famous photographs done entirely using Lego bricks	(81)
	Man tragically illustrates why it's so important to bring a parachute when you go skydiving	(133)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this unusual urban housing	(51)
	Since he knows a thing or two about choking, Mike Huckabee saves a guy by using the Heimlich	(66)
(Some Guy)	If you write a check to your cable company for the amount of "My Right Arm and Zero Dollars" and add in the memo line, "Robbing Customers Blind," don't be shocked when it gets shown to people outside the company	(184)
	Neighbors call cops on man who laughed at them. The fact that the man was masturbating at the time may have had something to do with it	(33)
	The revenge of the forty-seven Ronin is alive and well in Japan. Man stabs 14 people in Tokyo. Status of seppuku: Unknown	(112)
(RTÉ)	Irish passenger plane overtaken by stuntman dressed as flying squirrel, who sets a new distance record for unaided flight. Drunken locals unimpressed, see this type of thing every day	(39)

Sat June 07, 2008

	City of Dallas lets residents vote on new name for Industrial Boulevard. Residents offer and choose Cesar Chavez Boulevard. City of Dallas going to ignore residents, choose their own name: Freedom Boulevard	(173)
	For the first time, the panda boinking ritual has been filmed in the wild. Basically, the female climbs a tree, and the males fight for it. "I liken it to Chewbaccas in a pub brawl" (video)	(81)
	Chicago police officers pose as civilians to catch those nasty criminals that refuse to give pedestrians the right of way	(112)
	Latest fad? Business cards. Fark? For two-year old children	(60)
(Some Guy)	Because the Left Coast doesn't get enough attention, here is your "teacher screwing a student" story from Eugene, OR. With "who would hit that??" photo	(95)
	Experts say for the first time ever deadly bull sharks are actively targeting humans	(100)
	Man survives a 50-foot fall from a hotel balcony because his muscles were so relaxed from a cocktail of booze and drugs that he absorbed the impact	(75)
	17 year old high school student makes a threatening phone call to another high school. Gets EIGHT YEARS in prison	(296)
(Some Guy)	Baby has tumor. Doctor forces birth, removes tumor, shoves baby back in. Baby born second time. Hallelujah?	(102)
	Teachers under investigation for shouting at students to "put that down'', "leave him alone'', "sit down'' or "pick up those papers.''	(126)
	Garbage men are not allowed to tie stuffed animal mascots onto the grill of their trucks in case children run out into the streets to touch them	(63)
(Some Civilian)	Photoshop these... uh... military guys doing something weird	(69)
	Norwegian man fined $1300 for not having bomb when passing through airport security. Maybe he should've brought one	(164)
	Tokyo coffee lovers get a brewed awakening	(57)
	High school dropout finally gets a college degree. With "that explains everything" picture	(113)
	Some prankster/artist goes around Italian town fixing holes in the walls with lego bricks	(72)
	Motorists restricted to idling for three minutes to stop air pollution. And now this headline is longer than the article. Go journalism	(57)
	Florida High School uses more water per year than Sea World, Universal Orlando	(90)
	Legislative Candidate discusses the issue of video games. To be more specific, she talks about her level 70 Orc Hunter	(90)
(WTHR.com)	Two major Interstates closed, dams bursting in Indiana as massive flooding continues. (w/photos and live video coverage)	(96)
	Autistic child voted out of his Kindergarten class may now have another vote. This one by a jury	(276)
	School names monkey god as school chairman. WHERE IS YOUR RECESS NOW?	(46)
(Some Guy)	Preventing an illegal Payday, clerk Skors win over Butterfingered robber by thowing candy at gunman. Mangement say he's no Mr. Goodbar; insists that in a Crunch clerk should have taken the Milky Way and let the robber have his Bit-O-Honey	(49)
	If you're going to try to impress jurors at your murder trial by wearing a nice suit, smearing feces all over your face will probably negate said impression	(41)
	As if scaring people away from tomatoes wasn't enough, Salmonella outbreak may also dent demand for bacon. Salmonella, that's one typhi little bacterium	(56)
	The Washington Post's take on the new millennial graduates: They're loud, They're proud and they're ... more qualified than any other generation alive was?	(187)
	Boston drivers upset over ad that compares them to fish. Lighten up, Nemo	(37)
(Clintoned in the Boobies)	Your Clinton Concession Thread - get-cher popcorn, peanuts, hot dogs, beer here	(1136)
	Movement encourages people to openly carry guns in public. Sees cop challenges as a badge of honor. What could possibly go wrong?	(351)
	Istanbul re-emerges as Beacon of Bosporus. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam, why they changed it I can't say, people just liked it better that way	(98)
	Today's teacher having sex with a student on the "Edge Of Seventeen" brought to you by America's wang. Victim wished she'd "Stop Draggin' His Heart Around" (with mugshot)	(118)
	Four years of high school? [√] Passed the exit exam? [√] Cap and gown? [√] Two cancer surgeries? [√] Radiation treatment? [√] One remaining summer school class? [√ ] FINE, GO AHEAD AND GRADUATE	(177)
(sunday mail.co.uk)	Scottish health experts are urging Scots to give up on chips for mushy peas and cut drinking down to only 5 days a week. So all they are saying is give peas a chance?	(68)
(Some Guy)	Couple dragged before court after they forget to feed a rat. Related story: Old lady who swallowed a fly faces animal cruelty charges	(77)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this outdoor eating area	(29)
	Old and busted: Stealing copper for resale as scrap. New hotness: Stealing grease for resale as fuel	(31)
	Bear breaks into house, steals bread, milk, pic-a-nic basket	(36)
	The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat	(120)
	British MP who used expenses to pay her nanny states she's done nothing wrong. In other news, this is the first ever Fark headline to use the words 'Nanny State' correctly	(74)
(Crni)	Nice sculptures made with toothpicks. For some of them it was needed more then a two years to be made	(83)
	58% of parents don't care about harmful side effects, they want Little Precious pumped full of psychotropic drugs so they can get some peace and quiet (stats in sidebar)	(142)
	The NY Times knows that women with children put out	(62)
	Woman who had her camera stolen got a close-up of the thieves when photos they took of themselves were automatically uploaded to her computer	(63)
	Pubs in Yorkshire have been ordered to ban people from wearing flat caps or other hats so troublemakers can be more easily recognised on CCTV	(95)
(PennLive)	Never mind what the article is about, there's a picture of a kitten and her mommy that's so adorable you'll probably explode just by looking at it	(453)
	The military's solution to the stress of repeated tours and harrowing ordeals much like that of the average American: pop some pills and don't call me in the morning	(63)
	Twenty-five precious little snowflakes have the role of Snow White in the school play	(115)
(Some Wal-Mart employee)	Ask for a receipt from a couple returning a boat motor? ...That's a stabbin'	(30)
	Man wrestles grizzly, gets his hands chewed, escapes, picks up rifle and kills it. Absently pops dislocated shoulder back into place before driving to hospital for treatment of minor injuries. You want to try dating his daughter?	(85)
	Teen arrested for bringing her pony to school. This is why little girls should not have a pony. Not yours	(72)
	Piano craze hits China where 30 million children are taking lessons. If only there was an easy piano piece that could help Asian children relate to the instrument. Pianist	(97)
	If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening. But I would no longer take it to gunfights	(18)
	Scientists blow off that whole "cure for cancer" thing and work out method to keep beer fresh longer. Hero tag stands up for missing AWESOME tag	(41)
	Photoshop this space shuttle tank	(57)
(Fox 11)	Tucson officials warn cyclists to keep their clothes on lest they be cited, chafed	(34)
	The Drive-in theater turns 75: Archaic entertainment destined for parking lots?	(131)
(Some Guy)	Ain't superstitious, Fark Party crossed my path... NYC Fark Party at Crocodile Lounge on 6/13. DIT, LGT what we will be seeing a lot of	(29)
(Some Guy)	How to make a Diet Coke and Mentos booby trap	(78)
	UN issues strongly worded report rapping US for cruising WalMarts for underage youths from minority groups, poor or single-parent families	(120)
	Escaped prisoner congratulates police on fast response time	(16)
	Abortion: $400. Medical costs for birthing the baby you thought you aborted: $35,000. Having to explain it to the kid: Priceless (w/ "you did WHAT?" pic)	(263)
(Some Guy)	City of Los Angeles sues Time-Warner cable for shoddy customer service. Company executives promise to appear in court sometime between 8:00 and noon	(67)

Fri June 06, 2008

	The Smoking Gun celebrates one year of end-of-week mugshot goodness with Mugsapalooza LIII	(207)
	As if you needed another reason not to fly, San Diego airport to raise parking fees. to $18 per day	(76)
	WWII US D-Day invasion tank unearthed in France. French army takes one look at it and surrenders	(117)
(SR.com)	Bum who spent $100 on color copier and paper and attempted to make enough fake $10 bills to buy $90 worth of pot arrested in his counterfeiting lab: a mall restroom	(74)
(London Free Press)	Two WWII vets linked only by a codeword live their lives in the same city and meet 67 years later due to the very same codeword	(81)
	Cuba offers residents free sex changes. You can't even get a rectal exam for free over here	(87)
(Some Guy)	No matter how potent the mushrooms are that you ate, you should not get naked, burst into your roommate's bedroom, and tell her "I want to have sex with you, and I love you, and I want to marry you."	(157)
	Chemical plant mishap creates world's largest whippit. Local residents still hearing the echo-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O	(115)
	You know who else had family members living under an assumed name in Long Island for over 50 years?	(150)
	Man accused of leaving kids unattended while stalking the wild asparagus. Euell Gibbons unavailable for comment	(41)
	New BMW program offering blind drivers chance to get behind the wheel. This should end well	(32)
	Actual headline: Accused sex teacher sends letter to Hulk's jailed son	(40)
	Churches want to ban Sunday morning youth sports because exercise and competition are worse for kids than hearing they're going to be punished for eternity if they don't love a 2000-year-old man's invisible father	(241)
(Editor and Publisher)	Philly newspapers punk entire city by launching fake airline called Derrie-Air. "The more you weigh, the more you pay."	(60)
	Medical examiner rules death of steroid dealer who named NFL names a suicide. First he shot himself in the abdomen so he could do a little suffering before he ended it with a shot to the head. Ray Lewis still unavailable for comment	(111)
	French Army is "falling apart." This is not a repeat from 1815, 1917 or 1940	(148)
(NY Times)	NYC's chief crane inspector arrested for taking bribes	(61)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these partners' pow wow	(69)
(Daily Camera)	Boulder duo tries to float alternative to alternative transportation, touts "tubing to work." (w/ "wet suit" pic)	(49)
	Fark joked about, but CNN actually said it: "Oil prices shot up [because of] a forecast that oil would hit $150 by July 4."	(441)
	Michigan joins the ranks of the states considering legislation to preserve the academic freedom to present nonsense as Science	(838)
(The Chronicle of Higher Education)	Not News: Man gets Harvard doctorate. News: It's his 11th graduate degree. Fark: He's working on six more. Kraf: He's dyslexic	(132)
	TB is making a comeback in America thanks to 'mexican bathtub cheese'	(247)
	Meet Samir Kahn, a Muslim extremist calling for the death of America. Fark: From his mom's basement in NC	(256)
	A police officer stops and questions you. Do you: A) Answer him? B) Slowly back away? Or C) Hurl the baby at him and run?	(64)
	Drunk, naked and stuck in the holding tank of a Port-O-Jon is no way to go through life, son	(41)
(Some Boulderite)	"I was drinking alcohol there, and then I don't remember what happened after that." Cops remember assault, unlawful sexual contact, obstruction of a telephone, indecent exposure and Chicago Bears Crocs	(122)
(Some Guy)	Investors find out what the Trump name is really worth	(203)
(klastv)	Stripper refuses to go home with you, do you: a) leave, b) argue with her until she does, or c) come back with your gun,shoot the place up, lead police on a chase, roll your H2 and shoot a cop? (With video)	(636)
	The official cheer for the Chinese Olympics has just been announced: "Olympics! Add petrol! China! Add petrol!"	(184)
	Last week: Consumer spending is up, factory orders are up, EVERYBODY CELEBRATE. Today: Unemployment up 0.5 percent, EVERYBODY PANIC	(185)
(al.com)	Standing naked in the road proclaiming to be both Jesus Christ and George Bush? That's a tasing	(107)
	Israeli prime minister says major incursion to Gaza Strip is "looking more likely." Strictly for security reasons, of course, and not because he's being investigated for bribery and facing calls for his resignation	(555)
(FDNM)	For sale: 2BR/2BA w/garage, free anti-tank rocket in yard	(79)
	Actual letter from the governor of CT to the attorney general. Penis	(163)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this sculpture holder	(68)
	Good news: Only 12 percent of married women said their husbands resembled Homer Simpson. Bad news: 50 percent saw striking similarities with Alan Harper on "Two and a Half Men." D'oh	(604)
	How to beat high gas prices: Buy gas now, store it in closet for later. What could possibly go wrong?	(144)
	Engineers at Indian car maker Tata have been putting the finishing touches to the world's cheapest car. It costs about $2,500, or double that if you have it delivered with a full tank	(281)
(NBC 15)	Katrina evacuee, whose hotel room and three meals a day are paid for by FEMA, just hasn't had the "energy or pep to get a job" since the storm. Her entrepreneurial fellow evacuee at least created a meth lab in his room	(651)
	Police in Harare, Zimbabwe, release Robert Mugabe's political opponent after detaining him for the second time, but tell him he can't campaign today. Said candidate's spokesman: "Woo-hoo, three-day weekend"	(68)
	Because you folks Down Under apparently haven't gotten the message yet: ǝqnʇnoʎ uo oǝpıʌ ǝɥʇ ʇsod uǝɥʇ puɐ dn ʎpoqǝɯos ʇɐǝq ʇ,uop	(49)
(Some Guy)	Butte rape suspect wants case dismissed	(104)
	I-Mockery discovers the most sinister looking snack food mascot ever. Naturally, it's from Japan	(86)
	You've worked all your life for your high school diploma. One problem, though. It's for your achievement in "educaiton"	(87)
	Instead of making an omelette from the three emu eggs a woman bought while on holiday, she decided to try hatching them. 52 days later: One baby emu (with awwwww-inducing pic)	(96)
	WWII hero who joined the Marines at age 14 and won the Medal of Honor at age 17 by jumping on TWO hand grenades, has passed away today. Semper Fi	(370)
	Swedish couple win the right to call their child Lego. Neighours already report that he's a bit of a blockhead	(53)
	Caption this most excellent trailer park cat fight	(116)
	Woman upset, neigh, distraught, after postal service lost her dead thoroughbred horse	(35)
(Some Guy)	Crucified Jesus spotted on French Fry. In other news, more Christians dying of clogged arteries (video)	(73)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to take more than 30 times the normal dosage of cough syrup and go for a walk, you probably shouldn't do it at a park with steep cliffs	(35)
(Some Beach)	Next door neighbor survived being shot while at Utah Beach on D-Day. For years we shared a drink on June 6 to mark the day. Since he's no longer with us (raises glass), here's to you, Pvt. Tidwell	(247)
	Seattle parks considers banning beach bonfires because they warm the entire world	(128)
(Some Guy)	Turkey upholds ban on women wearing headscarfs at university. Stuffing oppression down the throats is easy as pie for politicans, but the whole concept is just corny	(60)
(Some Tourist)	Photoshop this American in Paris	(58)
	Myanmar government arrests comedian who aided cyclone victims. Hopeful U.S. immediately dispatches Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia to head relief effort	(80)
(Some Guy)	Why guys fist-bump	(223)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Woman upset over high gas prices. News: She lights a gas station on fire. Fark: And a Starbucks, just for good measure	(80)
	KMart starts selling abstinence sweatpants	(192)
(Some Guy)	Injured Thai elephant given prosthetic leg. While this is a good thing for pachyderms, for most mammals this would be considered a faux paw	(107)

Thu June 05, 2008

	Bees vs Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. It's a tie	(51)
	Barack Obama spending the evening at Hillary Clinton's house. Agenda to include a pint of Ben & Jerry's, a good cry, and a spirited pillowfight	(284)
	Phuc n' Bich: Who would have guessed it would end in disaster?	(64)
(Some Guy)	When you cash a forged check at a bank, don't go back to the same bank and ask for directions	(17)
	Che Guevara's children angry at use of his image. Would rather their father be remembered as ruthless, murdering, totalitarian revolutionary instead of hipster marketing icon	(253)
	The opus is unremarkable	(92)
	Economic bad times are hurting the uber rich..."the wealthy are cutting back on luxuries like $350 highlights and $10,000-an-hour jet rentals." EVERYBODY PANIC	(344)
	Air ambulance pilots concerned that military is getting all the night vision goggles. If only there was some portable source of artificial illumination they could use	(77)
	Right wing blogosphere asplodes on news that Keith Olbermann owes past due taxes in New York. Olbermann reportedly owes less in taxes than what Limbaugh spends on OxyContin for a weekend	(443)
	Finally, a Boston-fan sportswriter that acknowledges they're all insufferable douchebags. Bill Simmons unavailable for comment	(133)
	Like a redneck with a stimulus check at Wal-Mart, Canada blows its money on iPods and liquor	(85)
	UK newspaper photo shows theater's resident ghost. Pic is provided in the link. You provide the face palm	(136)
	Second man today now climbing NY Times building in New York's latest fad	(64)
	US approves export of sensitive surveillance equipment to Chinese authorities to help with Olympic security. Bonus: bumper sticker on van in photo	(94)
	Teacher arrested for telling a student he would rip out his eyeballs, pee on him, and kill his family. Sounds like somebody's ready for summer vacation	(99)
	Your girlfriend's dog bites you. Do you: A) Discipline it? B) Put it up for adoption? C) Have some drinks, wait an hour, then shoot it with a razor-tipped arrow and later tell police you were trying to "wash" it?	(102)
	Waitress laid off after shaving head for cancer. Some customers say they would be "appalled" to be served by her	(232)
	Man who killed his wife with a crossbow fails on his saving throw against a PMITA spell cast by the Judge	(37)
	It was my last wish to walk right into a wine store, ask "What goes good with venison?" and then leave. You should have seen the look on their faces, good times	(92)
	Actual headlines appearing on the same page of the newspaper: "Clinton pullout likely Saturday"; "Decline in tenn sex levels off, survey shows". Submitter wants to know if the two have anything to do with one another	(110)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop this choppy guy	(60)
(Florida Today)	Palm Bay voting to add heavy restrictions on arcades. Also on the agenda are a resolution supporting President Reagan's reelection campaign and vote on funding for a Members Only Jacket fashion show	(126)
	Jesus found hiding in the bushes	(65)
	Not news: BBC 1 O'Clock news shows stills from new photo exhibition. News: Photos have "adult themes." Fark: Theme is woman getting it on with a zebra	(148)
	Philadelphia-area atheists set up billboard to attract more non-believers, neglecting to tell them atheism has no holidays, 13-year-old girls to marry or 72 beautiful virgins in heaven if you blow up	(887)
	Judge understands why the plaintiffs wouldn't want to go into Arkansas where many residents are still seeking retribution for 1969 football loss	(58)
	Khalid Sheikh Mohammed complains that courtroom artist didn't capture his nose, asks her to redraw it like the one in FBI photo	(142)
	Judge: "Repeat sex offender, you may have exposed yourself to yet another group of girls yet again, but kudos on a fine defense"	(95)
(Cincinnati Enquirer)	Newspaper asks: When police find you lying on a downtown sidewalk without shoes and a shirt, covered in vomit and able to only utter one word, is that the mark of a bad night, or a good one?	(129)
	Gold jewelry swallowed by woman at pawn shop, uhhh, "returned" to owner	(38)
(Some Guy)	Woman, 61, accused of driving around and aiming her gun at pedestrians. Her logic: ''They're going to kill me, so I might as well kill them''	(80)
	Stephanie from "Full House" lives out Bob Saget punchline	(277)
	Not news: Teacher fired. News: For putting a student in a storage closet. Fark: Again	(42)
	FHM Top 100 Sexiest Women vs. Maxim Hot 100 smackdown: An in-depth analysis	(213)
	If a television show about serial swingers wearing wet bikinis interests you, you're finally old enough to watch CBS	(146)
	CNN: Black presidents nothing new to Hollywood. "Idiocracy" strangely omitted	(323)
	If you tried to play grab-ass with some lady in a motorized wheelchair, Hereford police would like a word with you	(29)
	Today's "female teacher getting freaky with her students" story brought to you by Polk County. She had sex with two boys 10 times in one night. Giddyup	(224)
	When air guns, BB guns, paintball guns and some firearms replicas are outlawed, only outlaws will have air guns, BB guns, paintball guns and some firearms replicas	(118)
(Some Guy)	County commissioners in a small TN town throw punches and brawl in city hall after a string of humorous name-calling (audio)	(22)
(Great Falls Tribune)	Ahhh, Montana. Such a peaceful place. Except for that guy holding off police at his house with 36 guns and 10,000 rounds. Bonus: Homemade shooting range in basement	(135)
	Skipping school, that's a spankin'... delivered right in the courtroom	(193)
	Fuel economy myths debunked: Even if you keep your windows up, your AC off, lose 50 pounds -- you're going to get the same crappy mileage	(338)
	For those who missed it, one of the few reviews of Drew's book that actually got the message right: Fark founder Drew Curtis flattens the fourth estate, by Jack Shafer	(123)
(AMZN)	"It's Not News, It's Fark: How Mass Media Tries to Pass Off Crap as News" is now out in paperback, link goes to Amazon page. Buy it now before everybody panics	(123)
	Salon asks the most pressing question this election cycle: Are you too dumb to vote?	(349)
	When gas prices go up, Americans whine a lot but deal with it. In India and Malaysia, they get burny	(170)
(Dude, she's 15)	Miley Cyrus dating 22-year-old backup singer. Yes, she's still 15	(962)
	After successfully surmising that winter could be cold, Environment Canada goes out on limb with latest prediction: Summer could be hot	(37)
	Guy's alibi to a quadruple murder? He was at a different house, selling drugs	(55)
	Orange County deputies are on the lookout for three men who wear shirts on their heads	(34)
(Some Guy)	News: Hit and run leaves pedestrian critically injured. Fark: Surveillance video shows residents' apathy, including a frustrated driver who had to make a U-turn because someone went and left a damn body in the middle of the damn road	(313)
(610 WTVN)	Sheriff deputies force new recruits to act out nursery rhymes, and then it gets weird	(20)
	CNN wonders, is Obama's fist bump the new love tap? It's not news, it's CNN	(181)
	Jesus must have taken the week off from appearing on random stuff	(60)
	Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood wants to hire dwarfs for his daughter's wedding to perform stunts like stealing ladies' hats	(71)
	Children of Mormon sect in Texas back with their parents, or, in the case of the 13-year-old girls, back with their middle-aged husbands	(315)
	Walleye poaching earns men three days in jail, $4,600 in fines and a lifetime of mocking by anyone who reads this	(52)
	Ted Kennedy reportedly in good spirits after operation. Spirits said to include high octane scotch, bourbon and gin	(55)
	Q: Why are there so many divorces? A: Because they're worth it	(650)
	Are your dead people still showing up on voter registration rolls? Well, you aren't alone	(252)
	As tempting as it may seem, choosing c) "tape the student who won't sit down to his chair" is not the correct answer	(109)
	"Writer's Strike I: The Beginning" was such a market success that its sequel, "Actors Strike, The Reckoning," may be released earlier than anticipated	(148)
	The U.S. Navy is pinning its hopes of winning support in Japan for deployment of a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier USS George Washington on a manga comic	(124)
	Photoshop Hillary "kickin back"	(109)
	State troopers use Taser to clear path to french fries	(174)
	Bushnell offers $1 million for an undoctored pic of Sasquatch. Lobster Boy still not worth the $2 admission price	(79)
	One way or another, Comcast is always robbing you	(83)
(NBC 15)	Reporter dicovers that you can meet hookers on Craigslist. Romero gives props	(120)
	Maps of Toronto showing vaccination exemption percentages in schools prompted by the highest outbreak of measles in years. Where is your God now?	(148)
	Nursing home stops Alzheimer's patients from escaping. Fark: By installing a fake bus stop for them to wait at	(182)
	Poodle shaved and dyed to look like a cockerel. Your dog will bite you in the ass if you do this. The Sun is there. (With pic)	(111)
	Two Biblical scholars write book examining sexual and scatalogical innuendo in the Bible. Ask probing questions such as "Which BONE was Eve made from?" Get it? Bone? Ha ha ha snort penis	(127)
	New Zealand scientists claim to have developed anti-flatulence innoculation for sheep, which will lead to huge savings in dry cleaning bills for farmers' pants	(34)
	Headline: "Alleged thieves foiled by professional clown." Bonus: With toy gun. Bonus bonus: While imitating Clint Eastwood. Bonus bonus bonus: While in full costume, including leather chaps	(60)
	Fearful Japanese / Scrap in literary ring / Poetry not punches	(72)
(Some Guy)	News: Surfer finds 70 pounds of dope. Fark: HE TURNED IT IN TO THE COPS	(177)
(Daily Post)	Welsh criminals fear being banned from the pubs more than they fear court, pointing out that even court's tolerable after your 10th pint	(16)
	Silver-colored dental fillings may be unhealthy, chew more aluminum foil	(46)
	Metal thieves steal plaster Jesus thinking it was made of copper. If there were only some sort of list of rules, or maybe commandments, that they could have read to know they hadn't thought this through properly	(77)
	Parents encouraged to bring children to grand opening of sex shop in Brooklyn. Wait, what?	(77)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop estos luchadores	(45)
	Not content with poisoned tomatoes or spinning blades, the media now warns you can drown 72 hours after being in the pool	(86)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 161: "Trees." Difficulty: No titles or descriptions. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(378)

Wed June 04, 2008

	Brothers caught after night raid of girl's locker room. Meat and PeeWee's alibi they were at Porky's still unconfirmed	(63)
	First polar bear seen in Iceland for 20 years. Don't worry, they shot it. Al Gore's slide show still accurate	(181)
	Meet your new Stanley Cup Champions - the Detroit Red Wings	(981)
(Glens Falls (NY) Post-Star)	Cops protect small town from drunk driver of a motorized cooler. "We were told it can do up to 12 mph."	(53)
	Thieves phone up security and tell them to ignore alarms, which they do. Hilarity ensues	(54)
(Some blog reader)	Meet Daniel: A medical student and combat amputee taking a road trip around the U.S. to see the land he dedicated eleven and half years of his life to and meet his fellow Americans	(49)
	It done blowed up REAL good	(142)
	Cell phone users secretly tracked, whereabouts monitored. So why is it that when I lose my phone, they won't tell me wtf it is?	(104)
	Get to da Gahdenhoze	(49)
(WYFF4.com)	Woman discovers lottery tickets have barcodes for a reason	(74)
	Hillary will not ensue	(1268)
	Twelve food additives to avoid - that are in everything. Begin PANIC in three... two... one	(213)
	To the surprise of absolutely no one, airlines are raising summer fares "drastically" on non-stop flights. Then again, who wants to fly on a plane that never stops?	(72)
	Jack Thompson quietly and respectfully sits through his disciplinary hearing, accepts the judge's decision. Just kidding, he actually said the judge didn't have the authority to hear his case and walked out on his hearing	(144)
(WWL)	Dr. William Gray sticks by his forecast of 15 named storms and 4 major hurricanes this season, then begins to froth at the mouth before tipping over backwards	(44)
	Study by Center for Disease Control shows more teens lying to Center for Disease Control	(25)
(Some Guy)	Nashville hotel provides complimentary six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, pork rinds, RC Colas and moonpies for visiting tourists	(65)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to let your kid drive you home because you're drunk, at least make sure they have a license...okay, as long as they're old enough to drive...okay, old enough to reach the pedals...okay, no longer breastfeeding	(37)
	Electrician tries to kill wife in the shower. Woman shocked	(53)
(Chattanoogan)	Man declares himself an "ombudsman for for all citizens (who) are victims of the Trojan Horse in the Battle of Troy which allows Red Bank to promote slavery" and takes town to court over red-light cameras	(49)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these runners	(55)
	Q: How do I retire on a low income? A: Live like a college student	(137)
	In Connecticut, the sentence for running over a disabled person with your moped while fleeing the police after having left a strip club is just one year. Suspended	(34)
(Island Packet)	Actual headline: "Using a cinder block as a driver's seat not a good idea. Especially if the car doesn't have a brake pedal"	(23)
(Some Guy)	Library board member who voted to remove "The Joy of Gay Sex" from public library thought he posted an anonymous rant on local website - finds out how the 'tubes work. Oops	(222)
	Thieves return to the scene of the crime. This time the Lord is waiting	(117)
(WWL)	Endangered leopard cub gets her shots (w/ awwwwww-fully cute pic of endangered cub)	(25)
(Cape Cod Times)	Once thought destroyed, Cape Cod lighthouse from 1881 found. In California. And it's still in use by the Coast Guard	(73)
(Some Peter Parker)	Spider-Man arrested	(38)
	Anti-energy drink gaining popula	(140)
(Some Guy)	Papers, please? D.C. to seal off neighborhoods with checkpoints and demand identification from visitors	(456)
	I can has UR cheezburger?	(415)
	Three boys suspended from school and barred from graduation because they were waving a Confederate Flag on school grounds before the school day started	(779)
	Gasoline thieves are targeting large semi-trucks since they have more than 10-20 gallon tanks	(151)
	From the "wait, he did what?" file: King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia calls for an end to Islamic extremism. Cool tag emerges victorious in battle royal with Unlikely, Hero, Scary, Dumbass, and Stupid tags	(187)
	It's not a too-mah, it's a 25-year-old surgical towel	(98)
	Indiana teen and 33 year old guy plot Colombine-style school shooting in order to "break current shooting record" for "instant recognition"	(173)
	Boy burns feet in park when ground spontaneously combusts	(59)
	If you think the SAT was tough, you're lucky you aren't a student in China and taking a two-day test that basically decides your very future	(132)
	Jesus helps man solve energy crisis by running his car on water, getting 100 miles per OUNCE	(423)
	Sociologist Charles Moskos dies. Who is he? Don't ask. Know how he died? Don't tell	(51)
	Rule #11 When Purchasing Weed From A High Schooler: Don't show up at the kid's school toting a gun and baseball bat expecting to settle your deal	(25)
	Makeup makes male birds sexier, Billy Joe Armstrong might not be such a douche after all	(49)
	"I cannot imagine not driving a Hummer. I would cut back on other expenses before I would cut back on driving it."	(447)
	In the face of declining income, American's are saving more. And that's bad, really really bad	(190)
	"We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place"	(424)
(Some Guy)	Police hunt for underground railway busking pole dancer	(36)
	"Dear Diary, today was smelly. Not as funky as the day before, mind you, but more putrid than last week. Tomorrow is expected to be fetid as well, with a good chance of malodorousness tomorrow."	(42)
	Old and busted: Marrying the Berlin Wall. New hotness: Marrying the Eiffel tower	(50)
	Someone has discovered the perfect way to take money from gullible Christian fundamentalists	(307)
	Diver stranded miles from shore signals coast guard by shoots himself with a .357 magnum, wait what? oh...Florida	(103)
	Teenager who wrote her first book at age 14 tipped to become the next JK Rowling, only much, much hotter	(457)
	UK cyclists are to be allowed to ride the wrong way up one-way streets - but motorists will face prosecution if a collision occurs. Darwin looks on, nods approvingly	(122)
	Former homeless man who works at the hostel that took him in wins £2.6million on the lottery. First purchase will be a 10-bedroom cardboard box	(44)
	More than 40 people have been caught trying to break into UK prisons in the last five years	(69)
	Government education officer recommends that schools should stop teaching "middle-class subjects" like history, geography and science, and should instead teach energy saving and civic responsibility courses	(266)
	Shirkers are ditching the time old 'going out for a smoke' break and wasting time on social networking sites instead	(99)
(RTÉ News)	Bono says Africa can learn from Ireland. Photoshop how this might be so	(63)
	Swedish authorities refuse to let couple name their daughter "Elvis". Metallica still okay	(87)
	Not news: Graduating seniors stage food fight in cafeteria. News: 15 students suspended, 1 told she won't graduate. Fark: Girl who won't graduate wasn't even in the cafeteria	(153)
	Not news: Australia's strip clubs and hookers expecting big boost in business thanks to international convention. Fark: The convention is Catholic World Youth Day	(55)
	World leaders at the global hunger summit dine on puff pastries with corn and mozzarella, pasta with pumpkin and shrimp, rolls of thinly sliced veal, cheese mousse, parmesan risotto, lemon mousse with raspberry sauce, and white wine	(575)
	Dentist who continued practicing despite suffering from Alzheimer's is to have her license revoked. Patients say they feel sorry for her but sometimes the tooth hurts	(44)
	The English male is either a repressed homosexual, a drunkard whose alcohol intake renders him incapable, a boarding school product deprived of his mother's love too early in life, or simply a woman-hater	(387)
	Professional football player puts another notch in his bedpost	(78)
	Not News: Police confiscate $173,000, two guns and a plasma TV from dwelling of a convicted murderer. Fark: The raid was on his prison cell	(52)
	There are "no more great writers" declares Nobel laureate you've never heard of	(333)
(Some Guy)	The coolest Mercedes hand crafted from PU-foam you will see today	(76)
	In America, a man buys a cheap commemorative cup from McDonald's to celebrate the Olympics in his country. In China, a man sticks 2008 needles into his head to celebrate the Olympics in his country	(34)
(My back yard)	Photoshop Speedy	(56)
	Woman marries the ex-wife she originally married as a man nearly sixty years before	(222)

Tue June 03, 2008

	8 year old with one leg enjoys playing little league baseball. Great story w/video	(93)
	50 mpg from a Honda Accord? This guy does it, and claims you can too with "Hypermiling"	(401)
	Todays recycled fear-mongering story for those that missed it the first 1,000 times: anti-bacterial soaps can and will kill you	(83)
(Chronicle-Herald)	You're peeved about bottles of urine tossed on the highway. Do you a) Help pick them up, b) lobby for more garbage receptacles, or c) threaten to toss them at the legislature building	(69)
	Finally a study that says it's okay to hook up with your hot cousin	(186)
	Police officer comes under fire for making graffiti offenders wear a pink vest while painting over their tags because somebody compared the vests to pink triangle badges used to identify homosexuals at concentration camps in Nazi Germany	(84)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this pleased lobsterman	(60)
(Some Guy)	If you've lost a pet goat that likes to ride public transport, Portland Bus Officials would like a word with you	(53)
(Naperville Sun)	Not news: Valedictorian gives cheesy graduation speech. News: He plagiarized it from an internet news site. Fark: The site was The Onion	(132)
(C. Trickle)	While high gas prices are hurting small market motorsports, it's less of an issue for NASCAR teams. In fact, fans will hardly notice the minor changes to next year's Daytona 50	(44)
	Mexican fashion takes a new twist: bulletproof business suits and biker jackets that can stop a .44 magnum	(96)
	Japan has come up with a brilliant plan to save energy: shower faster. Article neglects to mention a better plan: Bathing together	(92)
(wsoctv.com)	PETA wants Lowe's to stop selling glue traps. So, what do they do? Put a hittable young lady in a bikini and mouse ears and lay her on the ground. PETA protest trifecta in play (contains SFW photos of the hittable little mouse)	(364)
	High fuel prices have one Florida county pondering four-day school weeks, likely leaving more free time for student/teacher hookups	(62)
(Some Higher Consciousness)	Goddard College invents Masters in Consciousness degree to study eastern religious traditions. Actual Buddhists, Hindus in China and India lift heads from engineering textbooks, smile, get back to work taking over world	(178)
	The generation that "always won a trophy, win or lose" and were coddled by their parents are now entering the workforce. Corporate America: "Oh %$#@..."	(626)
	Behold the real dark side of bacon: Bacon in a can	(136)
(Some Guy)	California high school has its own teacher/student sex trifecta in less than one year. With quite hittable pic	(166)
(Charleston Daily Mail)	Who would disagree with a principal asking kids not to simulate anal sex on the dance floor?" Apparently, "bigots, racists, aginners, anti-establishment folks, those [with] some sort of obsession, people opposed to authority"	(168)
(Some stripper-lover)	Whatever happened to stripper-client privilege?	(56)
	Four years of high school? [√] Passed the exit exam? [√] Cap and gown? [√] Two cancer surgeries? [√] Radiation treatment? [√] One remaining summer school class? [ ] Sorry, you can't participate in graduation	(290)
(Some Gardener)	What now? You can't even eat raw TOMATOES? WTF?	(157)
(Citynews)	Happy couple didn't know they'd been divorced for 10 years. Then it gets weird	(65)
	A sure sign of summer: The annual "machines with spinning blades are dangerous" article	(101)
	Australian Broadcasting Company website tells children they are tiny little CO2 hogs and should therefore die to help save the Earth. Surprisingly, someone has a problem with this	(208)
	PETA wants jail to house first "Lobster Empathy Center" to show how lobsters suffer as much as human prisoners	(220)
(wsb)	Ugly-ass baby lions born at Zoo Atlanta (with pics)	(40)
	Coffee snobs among leading water-wasters: Every cup of cold joe thrown out = 37 gallons of wasted virtual water. Western over-consumption trifecta possibly in play	(260)
	Greece sees first gay marriage. At least, in its modern history	(141)
	AP officially calls the Democratic nomination for Sen. Barack Obama	(2852)
	Welcome to the Nanny State: Single mothers will be forced to name baby's father on birth certificate -- or pay £200 fine	(242)
	The decline of a once-great institution: The paperboy	(168)
	Chief Meteorologist Ric Romero: "Hurricane season outlooks of little use"	(36)
	Photoshop theme: Your biggest pet peeve(s)	(138)
	You think that new Ferrari is gonna get some chicks? Think again, Bubba. A hybrid is the new manhood extender	(329)
	Faithbook has been launched today on Facebook by both Jews and Muslims to try and combat extremism and encourage multi-faith understandi -BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-	(154)
	New Venezuelan law allows warrantless wiretapping and manipulation of the judicial process to favor the government over the rights of the accused. Good thing we live in America, where that would never, ever happen. Right, guys? Guys?	(187)
	Break out the flannel, we're going back to 1992: Patron spills coffee on self, files lawsuit against vendor	(442)
	If you find an old mortar shell washed up on the New Jersey beaches this summer, police advise you not to bring it home unless you live at 100 Darwin Lane or 202 Evolution in Action Road	(42)
(Some Guy)	The coolest photography you'll see in the next 17 minutes, done by a blind man. What's next, a deaf musician?	(109)
	General Motors to stop production at four truck plants in North America because you're not being patriotic and buying oversized, gas-guzzling SUVs	(443)
	Man injures his arse in a tragic mooning accident	(51)
	Airlines are considering treating passengers "as freight" to combat rising fuel costs. Wait, they don't already?	(200)
(WNEP.com)	If you mug somebody and get chased down and caught by a 71-year-old and a guy in a motorized wheelchair, you may want to consider another line of work	(28)
	Upon further review, Hillary will remain in the race and not concede defeat. Cheesecake sales fall on the news	(318)
	Don't make Darwin's job easy by stopping to tie a shoe lace on the train track	(66)
	Travellers from 27 countries, including Britain, will be required to register online with U.S. authorities at least three days before leaving to visit America	(180)
	The UN have grilled the West about obesity at the food crisis summit, roasting them for being overfed and rubbing salt in the wounds of the third world. Mmmmmm	(225)
	If you've been banned from a racetrack for causing problems, it's probably not in your best interest to get caught watching races from a homemade tree stand	(24)
	Hillary to concede delegate victory to Obama	(924)
	Not mowing your lawn in Canton, Ohio. Now that's a jailin'	(156)
	Zoo offers free admission to anyone who sports a pig-like mohawk. Pity the fools	(24)
(Chattanoogan)	Apparently desperate after the lackluster reviews from his third movie, Spider-Man has taken to a life of crime (with pics)	(92)
	Drinking from a sports bottle causes "water lips." Everybody hydrophilic	(129)
	Woman sues airline because peanuts were served during the flight, plans to use the Seinfeld defense	(267)
	Putting the "high" in higher education, a private San Francisco university has been founded to teach students about the wacky weed. When does CA get a Fark tag? C'mon, haven't we suffered enough to be recognized? [Editor: Nope]	(48)
	Come to beautiful Greenland. See the Aurora Borealis, go dogsledding, enjoy fanastic wilderness hiking, oh, and did we mention our gas only costs 78¢ a gallon?	(80)
	Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs. Next up: Investigation of rampant eating at restaurants	(103)
(Some Guy)	With key medical marijuana ballot initiatives likely to pass, and a more pot-friendly majority in Congress, there is more hope for weed smokers than ever in recent memory -- which for weed smokers is about 10 minutes	(406)
	Top 11 signs you're on a summer vacation with a geek	(113)
	Surprising approximately two people, British food has just been voted the worst in Europe	(223)
	Welcome back to the advanced yoga course. Today we will be learning the Little Thunderbolt, Flying Crow and Screaming Wheel of Death poses	(33)
	Behold the dark side of bacon	(161)
	Putin bans political humor on Russian TV. Jon Stewartovich not amused	(104)
	Crazy Horse monument construction project in South Dakota turns 60 years old. Not expected to be completed for at least another 60	(74)
	What's the big deal with eating bugs, anyways? The science lab at the Daily Mail came up with these stunning conclusions: They are good for us AND the environment. So have a bowl of silkworms	(76)
	Dumbasses don't grow on trees. But they do get stuck in them, at least in Florida	(22)
(Some Guy)	Citing funding concerns, police department stops the DARE program at all the city's private schools. Because spoiled white rich kids with time on their hands never use drugs	(92)
(Some Guy)	Old and busted: Hillbilly heroin. New hotness: Frozen Fentanyl patches. For those times you just can't get unconscious fast enough	(83)
	Sometimes naked protestors look sexy. Other times they look like this (safe for work)	(89)
(K-ABC 7 Los Angeles)	CA prisons to release 40,000 inmates by 2012. "It makes it safer for everyone who's inside the prison system, both the inmates, the staff members -- the correctional custody staff." Everyone outside the prison system PANIC	(70)
(Some Extreme Guy)	Photoshop theme: Failed attempts at Guinness World Records	(33)
	At Fort Benning, soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder are housed across the street from the firing range. They'll get over it	(49)
	Half-naked dwarf gives away free drinks. Some people think this is bad. Others think its the best thing ever	(45)
	"If you run out of gas on the freeway, a tow truck from the Freeway Service Patrol can give you a gallon of gas for free. Some people are abusing the service"	(55)
	Have you ever wondered what a car plowing into a bike race looks like? Wonder no more	(491)
	Strip show off due to lack of clothes	(96)

Mon June 02, 2008

	In his tell all book, General Ricardo Sanchez said Bush's Iraq War is a "strategic blunder" and that Bush was "confused" when talking about Iraq	(336)
	Bank robber holds gun backward	(94)
	Neil Young looking to change the world by converting his 1959 Lincoln Continental to electric and investing $120,000. By God, Neil just may be onto something	(174)
	Teens who vandalized Robert Frost's former home sentenced to take poetry classes	(79)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop Kevin Bacon cutting loose	(88)
	"The slime was making the road so slippery that people started skidding all over the place," one motorist said. "It was like a horror film." Snail trifecta in play	(39)
	New iPhone hits stores next week. EVERYBODY PANIC	(199)
	Modern day Guy Fawkes wanted to blow up Parliament, but at the same time not hurt anyone and get lots of free publicity. They don't make terrorists like they used to	(55)
(via Poynter.org)	Fewer drivers getting away with hit and run accidents because of cell phones. On a related note, more drivers getting involved in hit and run accidents because of cell phones	(66)
	Lawyer gets booted from R. Kelly trial for trying to give Kelly his demo CD. Don't quit your day job, guy	(91)
	Legally blind mountaineer climbs Mt. Hood, or at least that's what they told him	(60)
	Man assaults stranger with fish. Victim unsure if it was battered	(86)
	School officials starting to abandon healthy food plans due to cost	(126)
	Bang Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Geronimo. Crash. Tah Dah	(74)
	Club hoppers now slathering on Preparation H to give themselves that "ripped" look to impress the ladeez	(503)
	Great jobs that pay "pretty well". No, your job is not on the list	(309)
	Former drug lord's mansion and estate turned into a theme park. You must be this tall to see the mass graves of his enemies	(50)
(Some Guy)	Atlanta's drinking water stinks worse than the Braves	(116)
	Texas 0 - 3 FLDS; Game, set, match, lawsuit	(172)
	100 New Jersey teens busted at Vermont drinking party. "They could have run a bar for a month with the amount of alcohol that was there."	(92)
	18-21 year olds often injured in bunk beds. In other news, 18-21 year olds are too damned old for bunk beds	(120)
	Doctors successfully remove the defective part of Ted Kennedy's brain that was causing him to have seizures, vote liberal	(351)
(WFAA)	Window on American Airlines plane shatters, takes out engine shortly after takeoff. Passengers charged $15 "skid-mark removal" fee prior to boarding replacement plane	(136)
	Driver calls 911 to report she can't unlock her car doors. The operator discovered the CALL WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CAR	(180)
	Even a former drug czar is arguing that America's current drug enforcement policies are wasteful and damaging to society. Too bad he was never in a position of power to do something about it	(203)
	Renowned architect and civic planner Brad Pitt hired to design Dubai hotel	(78)
	15 women arrested in raid at Houston strip club. Yes, complete with mug shot "goodness"	(391)
	Have we become too busy as a society to even have time to peel an orange? Yes, it's hard-hitting news coming at you hard and fast from the Daily Mail	(62)
	16 year old raised on a boat planning to sail around the world. ABC finds psychiatrist who knows nothing about sailing to tell him he's going to DIE DIE DIE	(174)
(Centre Daily Times)	Bad spell-checking results in ugly name changes in yearbook	(186)
	"Sophisticated computer algorithms" determine who gets ticketed by California's redlight cameras. "Guesswork" and "quotas" also figured in	(100)
	Not news: there are safety issues in road construction work zones. Fark: from drivers obeying the reduced speed limit	(245)
	2003 Northeast blackout may have been caused by CHINESE HAXX0RZ ZOMGWTF--except for the fact that the 2003 blackout has been thoroughly investigated and the Chinese were nowhere near it	(42)
	Congratulations on becoming your high school valedictorian, now please leave the country	(145)
	Parrot takes break from pining for the fjörds, decides to terrorize village instead	(44)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this displaced disco ball	(73)
	Actual Headline: Girl Swallows 30 Magnets, Steel Balls. Fark: Dad says he "really" doesn't understand how she could have consumed the parts, because she "gets A's and B's"	(158)
	Campaigning against guns? That's a stabbin'	(193)
	Have you seen this Yeti? Members of the public are warned not to approach, as he may be armed and hairy	(41)
	Homeowners association forecloses on family's house after husband's health fails, gets behind $580 in dues	(406)
	If you ignore Al Gore, you might as well be that Austrian crazy incest dungeon guy	(88)
	The 8 best non-Wiki 'Pedias, such as Dickpedia: "Gerald 'Geraldo' Rivera is a TV journalist, noted egotist, former talk-show host, and a dick."	(82)
	Man has eaten nothing but Mars Bars for the last 17 years	(93)
	Satisfied with status of education in the state, Legislature cuts bonuses for certified teachers	(77)
(Galesburg Register-Mail)	If you are going to walk around naked and hug elderly people, don't videotape it	(23)
	London is facing a terrifying new invasion: Graffiti snails	(43)
	Sömeöne is stealing all öf the dög pööp bins in Malmö	(22)
	Latest bogus media-created trend, UK version: Single women who choose freedom over family. Story illustrated by totally relevant pic of Kylie Minogue's butt (SFW)	(180)
	Seattle's solution to rush hour gridlock: Take a lane away from cars and give it exclusively to buses	(188)
	UFO's spotted in England. The Sun is there with a picture with some white dots on it. I want to believe	(65)
	Blues and rock icon Bo Diddley has died at age 79	(309)
	Homeland Insecurity Secretary Chertoff: "EUROPE IS IN GRAVE DANGER, GRAVE, GRAVE DANGER--What? No, I don't know of any actual danger. BUT THE DANGER IS THERE NONETHELESS."	(153)
	It used to be called scavenging. Then it was called dumpster diving. Now, in this new and enlightened age, meet the Freegans	(179)
	Treasury Secretary Paulson supports a strong dollar "very strongly." Which is a little better than "strongly" and much better than just "supports," but not as good as "very strongly with sugar on top."	(69)
	China has said that it does not want anyone with sexually transmitted diseases coming into the country for the Olympics. Presumably they are going to make everyone drop their underpants in the Arrivals hall to check	(124)
	Young people are "suffering" from news fatigue. Submitter: Actually, no we're not . . . we read FoxNews, CNN, and Fark . . . we read very little actual news	(102)
(Rochester D&C)	Man attempts to pepper spray squirrel, manages to instead hit 5 humans. Squirrel leaves peacefully	(60)
(Alton Telegraph)	Man at bar asked by waitress to order a drink or leave. Man refuses. Man then ordered to leave bar. Man then throws a shrimp at someone. Somehow this merits space in a newspaper	(53)
	Everyone planning to cook on an outdoor grill this summer take one step forward. Not so fast, there, California residents	(217)
	Middle aged man loses weight. CNN is there	(106)
	Boyfriend says woman "walked into knife"	(103)
	America's unhealthiest drinks exposed. VitaminWater tops the list as being as healthy as a Coke	(389)
	Man unearths box filled with Depression-era cash just in time for the 2nd go around	(94)
(Some minstrel)	Man builds a five story medieval castle for his home in Woodstock, Ct	(100)
	Doctors at Duke University plan to suck the tumor from Sen. Ted Kennedy's brain today	(127)
	An entire town tells Google to get off its lawn	(162)
(Some Flotsam)	Photoshop this lone cone	(54)
	Some nice pics of two cougars drinking poolside	(125)
	Suicide Art Critic kills 8 outside Danish Embassy in Pakistan	(346)
	In-depth article comparing public and private college expense. Fails to mention that the HVAC guy who didn't go to college makes more money than you	(177)
(The Age)	It's probably not a good idea to pose in sniper positions on a city rooftop with many replica weapons for your home movie recreation of "I Am Legend"	(59)
	First full interview with abductee Natascha Kampusch: 'I get my morals from Star Trek'	(74)
	Montana may potentially be sitting on 40 billion barrels of oil	(224)
(Irish Independent)	Fewer Irish students sitting Gaelic exams every year, will no longer be able to fool tourists into thinking that "póg mo thóin" is a friendly greeting	(86)
	And so the great potato wars began	(64)
	Clinton staff members told that Tuesday will be their last day of work	(181)
(Some Guy)	Q: Where has all the Generation Xers gone? A: They're too busy digging out of the hole the Boomers put them in	(299)
	Submitter wasn't allowed past airport security at Heathrow Terminal 5, as my t-shirt had a picture of a gun on it. It was a picture of a Transformer holding a gun. The Sun is there	(400)
	Daytona Beach lifeguards rescuing more cars drowning in sand than people drowning in water	(29)
	Strapped American consumers selling retirement nest eggs, life insurance plans, personal injury settlements, home equity, and future house appreciation to pay today's bills. So what happens when there's nothing left to sell?	(314)
	Forget about Guantanamo, U.S. now accused of operating floating prison ships where they can torture accused terrorists without the pesky media looking over their shoulders	(307)
	Ohio to adopt so-call "Castle Doctrine", which would allow citizens to shoot first and ask questions later	(613)
	Hearing reports that Amtrak wasn't allowing any pictures at Union Station, TV crew investigates. Amtrak spokesman is in the middle of explaining picture taking is allowed when security shows up and tells them to stop filming	(87)
	Archeology students think they've discovered the long-lost safe of Grand Junction's founder. Geraldo drools with envy	(48)