Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-05-04 23:59:59'

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Sun May 04, 2008

	In Vancouver, you may be denied a driver's license because you are: (A) pagan, (B) BDSM, (C) annoying, or (D) some combination of all three	(62)
	"Maybe this generation feels more comfortable walking around in their underwear. I'm not sure that's a good thing."	(108)
	Over 350 killed by cyclone in Burma. Many more survive but have a close shave	(110)
(Territorial)	Police unsure why Darwin men climbed over fence at top of cliff. Maybe they were trying to prove a theory	(49)
	Calgary couple with identical quadruplets has to color-code them to identify them	(64)
	Parents of the year leave baby unnattended in running car to watch the Derby in a betting parlor. Tell police it was perfectly safe though, since they DID leave the heater on	(43)
	If you're going to lie to the cops about your identity, it's really important that you don't pick the name of a wanted murderer	(48)
	"Baaaaaah" means "Yes". Bestiality still legal in Florida as legislative session closes	(152)
(FishingVideoNews)	Woman suffers from incurable fish odor syndrome - where is your cod now? (news video)	(160)
	Umbillically, 17 year old mom walks to hospital with secret baby. Doctors say kid has placenta to eat, family is just glad it's ovary. Penis	(237)
(Some Ivan)	Photoshop this Soyuz reentry capsule	(51)
	British royals have been so ugly, for so long, that by British media standards, Princess Beatrice is considered hot (w/pic)	(355)
	Fishermen narrowly escape death when 40-tonne truck crashes just two feet from their tent. Seriously, you should've seen it, a 60-tonne truck just six inches away	(55)
(Some comrade)	Cute Russian reporter tries to live for a week on only domestically-produced foods, forgets the obvious solution of just getting drunk off her ass on vodka for a week	(89)
	Taser corp. wins lawsuit. People no longer die of tasings, instead die of "excited delirium", a cause that doesn't appear in medical textbooks, only in police reports	(311)
(Vladivostok News)	US and Russian navies will settle the cold-war score once and for all in a sandwich-making contest. OM NOM NOMski, comrade	(68)
	Apparently, the thanks for getting North Korea to back down over its nuclear programme should go to the owner of a barbecue restaurant in New Jersey. How YOU doin'?	(50)
	Best essay could win mansion. Cost per entry: $200. Fine print: owner reserves the right to not award the house but gets to keep the money. Florida tag trumps asinine, stupid and dumbass tag	(55)
(Some Guy)	"Get a brain morans" guy has new competition	(448)
	India's first retirement home for elderly elephants opens next month, with someone to wipe their backsides and listen to their stories of what they did during the War	(25)
	Amtrak plans multi-city celebration of National Train Day. Parties will begin 47 minutes past schedule, cost twice as much as planned, and will accomodate only two-thirds of those wanting to attend	(104)
	Despite format war victory, Blu-Ray player sales are down. This has nothing do do with $35 discs and $500 players, does it?	(286)
	Old & busted: Yuppies. New hotness: YAWNs: Young and Wealthy but Normal	(114)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this winter painting	(58)
(Some Guy)	Twelve-year-old girl arrested for battery after holding Bic lighter under boy's elbow during class	(83)
(adn.com)	Alaska Airlines announces merger with wild geese	(37)
(Some Guy)	Man informs his wife that they have three hours to quit smoking, drinking, swearing and engaging in some sex acts because "they were going to be good Christians now." She does not take the news well	(129)
	Spanish town surprised, SURPRISED, when British students take heavy advantage of 'all-you-can-drink' deals. "These students do not behave like civilised human beings," said the mayor. With pic of boobies-pinching clown	(129)
(environmental graffiti)	Chinese herbal expert lived to be 256 years old. Turns out Keith Richards and Barbara Walters are not the first to contemplate living past 200	(83)
	There is a growing trend for would-be grooms to throw out the rule book and opt for best women instead. Please return your man card now	(108)
	If you misplaced 18 chickens in Maryland, the cops say you can't have them back	(17)
	Begun, the fish wars have. Canada refuses to bow to the might of America. This probably won't end well	(99)
	More than 30 prisoners escaped from a jail in southeastern Guinea by using spoons to scoop a hole in the baked earth wall of their prison. There is no spoon, there are spoons	(43)
	Maybe the dingo didn't get your baby after all	(54)
	Jack Thomspon compares himself to John the Baptist in a letter to GTA4 developer's mother	(140)
	140 cows endangered by the New Brunswick floods are saved and brought by barge to their graduation ceremony at Bovine University	(37)
	In Japan, pets now outnumber young children, and it's all due to a 2000 TV commercial featuring a Chihuahua	(73)
	Some scientist you never heard of has figured out why there's a surge in shark attacks this year: Global warming	(221)
(Stourbridge News)	Man says he swore at the cops because he was tired of them harassing him after the first 73 convictions	(24)
	Pharmacy sends employees onto sidewalks to sell drugs. At least they're finally being honest	(24)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Red Skelton	(42)
	For just $42 a night, you can stay at the fabulous Taliban Towers Resort & Spa in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Be sure to visit the gift shop	(116)
	Man files petition to change name to "In God We Trust". If he's successful, Submitter considering changing name to "Hooray Beer"	(61)
	"I was held down on the field, while the players watched, as Coach grabbed a bat and shoved it at my buttocks." Crying now allowed in baseball	(80)

Sat May 03, 2008

	Old and busted: Lying on your resume about your education or job experience. New hotness: Lying on your resume about your prison record. As in, lying that you have one	(80)
(The Intelligencer)	Note to self: Don't leave notes in day-planner about who you're murdering which day	(26)
(InventorSpot)	In an effort to look beautiful and reverse the nation's declining birthrate, Japanese women are slathering their faces with bird poo. You're doing it wrong	(57)
	Woman who lost three children in traffic accident gives birth to triplets	(89)
	Mother shoots daughter with BB gun to win $1 bet. Yes, alcohol was involved	(105)
	Guam officially means more to the Democratic primaries than Florida	(186)
(The Times)	Biologist with pilot's license demonstrates a stunning grasp of natural selection after forgetting to fuel his plane	(65)
	In a pretty clear omen from the gods, Hillary Clinton's Kentucky Derby pick finished a close second, collapsed and was killed on the spot	(215)
	Proctor & Gamble sue Johnson & Johnson over their better & more convenient tooth-whitening strips	(41)
(Some Guy)	Gas prices getting so bad even cops are stealing gas. Oh wait, it's Louisiana? Never mind, business as usual	(25)
(Some Guy)	Hawaii wants to secede from the union. "Come on guys, it's only eight more months."	(461)
	According to "experts", gasoline engines are just spiffy, and these aren't the droids you're looking for	(221)
(WSFA 12)	I don't know what the problem is, it's not like they're making fun of Helen Keller. Oh, wait, they are	(119)
	Experts say: "To fight gas prices, get better gas mileage." Also suggest excercise and diet to lose weight; water and soap for showering	(88)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this vacuumless barometer	(52)
(Environmental Graffiti)	Juneau how they cut power consumption by 40%? I don't know, Alaska	(86)
	Craigmont, Idaho sign says, "Bring back global warming," due largely to the fact that it's 35 degrees Fahrenheit there in May. For those who use metric, that's about 200 kilometeres, er sumpin'	(236)
	People are still forwarding hoax emails and joining Facebook groups that promise charitable donations. Everytime you click on this link Bill Gates pays for a sick kid's surgery	(44)
	“Let's all become expert swimmers”, “Let's popularise basketball", and “Let's take revenge a thousand times on the US imperialist wolves” - catchy slogans from North Korean propaganda posters	(85)
	"Major," a 145-pound St. Bernard dog, was tossed from a plane at 26,000 feet to test parachute straps at a high altitude. Darwin denied, PETA pissed, and your dog damned glad that's over with	(105)
	British supermarket is now selling ostrich eggs. Weigh in about 3lbs and take two hours to boil. (w/pic) Om nom nom nom	(78)
(Some Guy)	Western Civilization is grinding to its wretched end. The English aren't drinking like they used to	(39)
	Biggest Pipe Collector's gathering in the country fuming mad that smoking has been banned at their convention. 4000 peoples’ restaurant and hotel business will be gone next year. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Illinois	(349)
	Albert Einstein inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame. In other news, there is a New Jersey Hall of Fame	(70)
(Some Guy)	The ten most disgusting beers in the world	(439)
	The secret to a happy marriage: be annoying	(156)
	Only nine percent of Americans admit to using online personal ads. No, that's not my Craigslist ad, honey, someone must have stolen my photo, honest, I swear	(65)
	Nobel Prize winner calls on Bush to stop sending U.S. food to starving nations. And he actually makes some sense. Huh?	(182)
	Congress wants to stop credit card companies from jacking your rate up to 33% just because your water bill was paid a day late. Maybe this government regulation stuff isn't so bad after all	(306)
	These boots are made for walking... freaky boot fetishist stalks workmen in big boots to come and walk over his genitals	(30)
(Some Guy)	You hit a car. Do you A) Wait for the police to arrive, B) Exchange insurance information, or C) Lead police on a chase until you pull over and shoot yourself in the chest with a concrete nail gun?	(27)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this flying goalkeeper	(47)
	Judge rules that New Orleans Katrina victims can sue the Army Corps of Engineers. This should end well	(76)
	Two men guilty of attempted blackmail of Royal who allegedly performed gay sex act on employee. Duke sucks	(54)
	Ring in Caturday with the Cat Lady of Baghdad	(516)
(ABC News)	Not one, but two, vehicles stuck between gates at railroad crossing. Train coming. Have no fear, an 11-year-old boy is here	(50)
(KTAR)	Today's "23-year-old high school teacher fired for kissing student" brought to you by Glendale, AZ	(34)
	You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, and you don't mess around with LA's taco trucks	(36)
(Some Guy)	What better way to make sure that your state will continue to have the worst drunk driving rate in the country, year after year, than to lower the drinking age to 19?	(265)
(Some Guy)	Cutest pics of ugly-ass baby albino kangaroo cuddling with its mother that you'll see today	(43)
	Calgary pentathlon: Get drunk, break into businesses, miss the toilet, fap to porn on office computers, fall asleep until cops arrive	(37)
	Not "The Happiest Place on Earth" today	(94)
	Using an ambulance, a uniform, and forged credentials, a man named Nurse posed as a paramedic for 18 months. Cosmo Kramer unavailable for comment	(42)
(Some Guy)	Hotel employee jailed for giving pass keys to homeless people for free so they'd have a place to stay. She may have gotten away with it if another employee hadn't found the homeless folk soaking in the hotel hot tub	(63)
(KOTV)	When moving out of your apartment, be sure to take your iPod containing your iPedo iPorn collection with you	(66)
(Kingston Daily Freeman)	Even with the aid of a shotgun, man fails to break up a fight on his front porch. That is, until a woman shows up with some kids Big Wheel	(48)
	Not News: Thieves Stealing gas. News: from a boat Fark: Check on progress by flipping their bic	(32)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this filling station timewarp	(57)
	Cops arrest man, cops shoot dog, alligator pees on reporter's shoes. Or, as it's called in Toledo, Friday	(41)
	Ugly-ass baby monkey thinks a teddy bear is its mommy (with cute-ass pic)	(41)
	Convicted killer walks away from jail, survives a few days in the harsh Canadian conditions, walks back to jail	(48)
(Albany Times Union)	Inmates in 58 New York jails are getting playing cards featuring missing persons in hopes they'll be able to identify them. "Oh yeah, I killed the 8 of clubs. You can stop searching now"	(30)

Fri May 02, 2008

(NBC 6 South Florida)	Cops raid wrong house in search for marijuana. Resident of wrong house: "I asked them if a marijuana plant could grow inside my underwear drawer"	(220)
	Today's story about a guy who called the cops to report his marijuana plants stolen brought to you by Eureka, California	(35)
	According to askmen.com, Oklahoma City is worse than Chernobyl and Baghdad, and a whole host of other places the author surely hasn't visited	(92)
	Forget PS3, 360, or Wii. Just get this for your SNES	(124)
	Fox News hits an all-time low, even for Fox News: The ins and outs of shaving your pubes	(246)
(Some fool and his money)	Step 1) Push bag of cash around store in shopping cart. Step 2) Leave cart unattended. Step 3) Rethink cunning plan	(33)
(Wave Mag)	Fatburger and In-N-Out going to war in the bay area. Who will reign supreme?	(188)
	John Cusack hopes his new anti-war film, featuring a chorus line of nearly naked female amputees, will offend people. Mission Accomplished	(185)
	Scientists say that summer weather will melt ice. Wow. Hope they are paid well	(281)
	TSG's weekly mugshot roundup. To save time, submitter recommends #1, 6, and 9 for hotness, #5 for teh funny, #3 for eye bleach	(185)
	If you've gotta stash your "priceless" RC planes somewhere, a trailer with wheels that one can easily steal probably isn't the best place	(48)
	When considering things to collect for your new hobby "things that explode" should be the first crossed off the list	(28)
	Stop us if you've heard this one before: Taiwan and $30 million in foreign aid walk into a bar to meet two men they hardly know	(42)
	Here's proof that having agile toes may save your life someday	(45)
(The Fayetteville Observer)	Soldier crawls through machine-gun fire to reach wounded soldiers. While under fire, he provides medical care, carries a wounded soldier across open ground, and helps other wounded soldiers seek cover. Then he rallies his team to safety. Ta-dah	(342)
	US breast-feeding rates hit new high. Suck it, babies	(230)
	"This is your captain. Please put your seatbacks up, your trays in the upright position, and your stewardess in her farking seat"	(74)
(Some Guy)	On second thought, Gov. Jim Gibbons decides forcing Steve Fossett's widow to pay for his unsuccessful search wasn't such a great idea after all	(125)
(Some Guy)	It's a bit nipply at the top of the front page of the Birmingham News (SFW pic). No word on if this constitutes being a "pubic enemy"	(161)
	Pharoah Akhenaten had breasts, wide hips and an egghead. Seems to have gotten a Ra deal after introducing monotheism	(122)
	Would you eat 2,900 calorie cheese fries? The answer of course is a resounding "Yes. With chili and extra cheese."	(305)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this grate	(51)
	"Seat savers" hold your bar stool when you're in the loo while branding you an idiot	(109)
	Men arrested and charged with 27 fishing violations after using beer cans to catch trout	(92)
	Recorded LBJ White House conversations reveal troubled times, man who liked to whip out his penis	(98)
	Shirtless man eludes LAPD after car chase by swimming in Port of L.A. for 15 minutes	(77)
	Man pushes Denver to proactively deal with possible visits from space aliens. Yes, he is single and lives with his parents. The article says so	(59)
(Some Immigrant Redneck)	Florida pickup truck owners rejoice: You may keep your testicles	(139)
	Two students have bright idea to microwave light bulbs, which ended up to be more of a hot idea	(126)
	U.S. could have major outbreak of measles. EVERYONE PAN....there were only 64 cases? Never mind	(202)
	President Bush asked Congress yesterday to approve $770 million in new global food aid for the coming fiscal year, the same amount that 2 days of the Iraq war costs	(555)
	Alligator killed by turtle. It did take a while, though	(107)
	Hawaiians trying to break world's longest lei record, previously held by Paris Hilton	(49)
	CNN graces us with yet another story from its hard hitting series on "Man Caves"	(184)
(Wide Eye)	Ever want to send a woman a shot at a bar but were afraid she wouldn’t accept it? Things have changed. (Sponsored Link)	(92)
	Ma'am I'll need to see your license and registration. I'll also need to suck your toes	(57)
	The strangest picture of a seal trying to have sex with a penguin you'll see for at least two days	(182)
	Grand Theft Auto IV music man discusses the process of choosing 214 of the best songs for running, stealing, fighting and beating up hookers	(209)
	Pro-Tibet protester in Hong Kong under the mistaken apprehension that she lives in a free country. "What right do they have to take me away? I have a right to express my opinion."	(178)
	'Missing girl' sitting next to her 'missing child' poster ignored by most shoppers during Local 6 experiment (with video)	(385)
	Texas Congressman celebrates Alcohol Awareness Month by driving drunk. Bonus: he co-sponsored legislation that would make drunk driving a more serious crime	(74)
	In no way living up to a national stereotype, French doctor publishes a book in which he exhorts his countrymen to belch, break wind and sweat profusely at every opportunity	(73)
	In his latest effort to convince white, middle-class voters that he is like them, Barack Obama reveals that he also avoids Black neighborhoods	(581)
(Some Typo)	Today's unfortunate healdine typo brought to you by WJFW TV-12	(116)
	Breaking Rules #1 and #2, ‘Fight Club member’ explains, “we basically make sure that no one is going to be a punk butt.”	(146)
(Columbus Dispatch)	Terms of Probation: 1. Don't leave the state 2. No drugs or alcohol 3. Absolutely NO sharing of Little Debbie Snack Cakes	(95)
(Some Guy)	The military plans to use YouTube to treat PTSD. Future story: mental problems caused by YouTube commenters	(48)
	Today's "teenagers arrested for posting evidence of their illegal activities on YouTube" story brought to you by Danbury, Connecticut	(72)
	Flaming manholes in Hahvard Square cause evacuation of all pahked cahs in Hahvahd Yahd	(176)
	Man wins "who's the better parent" argument by pepper-spraying the baby	(80)
	If you were wondering when the Messiah would return to Earth, he's already here, heading up a doomsday cult in northeastern N.M., with a website and everything. When will the world end? Oct 31, 2007	(221)
	Old & busted: Undiscovered talent on American Idol. New hotness: Undiscovered talent in the NYC subway system. Please note, panhandling is not much of a talent	(56)
	Mr. Gay UK walks into a kebab shop and says "I am the murderer, call the police." Then it gets weird	(58)
	Let's hear it for literal interpretations of Internet memes. LGT inspiration	(92)
(Schenectady Gazette)	Police break down convent door for robbery report; find startled nuns but no robbery. City agrees to pay nuns $1,250, say a hundred Hail Marys	(22)
	Pittsburgh Fark Party TONIGHT. Church Brew Works starting at 6pm	(51)
	Sea kayaker intends to catch his own food, burn driftwood for warmth and power equipment using a solar panel during an expedition. Expected home next week, hungry, cold and crying after a call to the emergency services	(117)
(Watertown TAB)	Trial postponed at the last minute after defendant complains that she is the only member of the Massachusetts Governor's Council charged with assault with a curling iron, and that's not fair	(15)
(3TV)	Man admits to committing a series of auto thefts for the "thrill." If only there was some mass-marketed, media-trumpeted video game available in stores now that would have sated his grand theft desires	(86)
	Japanese civil servant averaged more than 2,500 porn site visits a day for nine months before finally being caught (link includes small unrelated pic of guy's bare butt)	(81)
	In the first of what is sure to become common in the coming years, a judge arraigned a man in a pickup truck in the courthouse parking lot because he was too fat to walk inside the courthouse	(52)
	Car passenger recorded "mooning" speed camera. Police assking questions, promise to get to the bottom of situation (with small, blurryish butt photo)	(67)
(Some Guy)	Caption this proud American	(76)
	Feed your guide dog more steak, or it will walk you into a sewage-filled hole in the street	(24)
(Some Guy)	So this woman pulls into a parking lot with a "No Parking" sign sticking out of her grill...	(25)
(Some Legislative Guy)	You're a state representative and have issues with your neighbor. Do you: A) Get arrested March 9th for burglarizing his home? B) Get arrested April 1st for beating him up? C) Get arrested April 29th for stalking him? D) All of the above?	(38)
(Some Attica Guy)	Man who escaped from New Mexico prison in 1982 found to have cleverly eluded authorities by being incarcerated in Texas since 1982	(21)
	There can be only one ... sock-knitter	(38)
	"First he had four, then three, and now he's down to two. And hopefully for Stumpy, that'll be where it stops"	(30)
(KAKE)	Lawmakers, having solved all of the other problems in Kansas, pass a bill requiring tobacco companies to make slower burning cigarettes	(101)
(Some Little Guy)	Photoshop theme: Biggie Small. (Link goes to example)	(81)
	News: Cider bottle manifests the visage of Jesus. Fark: Drunk-ass buyer takes a photo, but lets barmaid throw it away. Submitter suggests checking the Dumpster behind the bar in three days	(92)
	Woman blames dog for removing her boyfriend's penis. Your dog does not want tubesteak	(103)

Thu May 01, 2008

(Some Guy)	Ugly-ass "dwarf cloud rat" rediscovered after 112 years (pic)	(53)
	Why politicians rarely take questions from the audience: "Senator McCain, is it true you once publicly called your wife a coont?"	(324)
	VOIP company receives 911 call from family in Calgary, dispatches ambulance to address in Toronto. For those non-canucks, the two are about 2,700 kilometers apart	(158)
(Some Guy)	You probably shouldn't be smoking while applying rubbing alcohol to your legs and groin	(69)
	Angry school bus driver learns, via 38 black eyes, that it's not a good idea to slam on the brakes when you're pissed off at the screaming snowflakes behind you	(119)
	Congress passes measure to ban DNA discrimination amid cries of "that's basist"	(118)
	Remember the playing cards with photos of Iraq's most wanted on them? US soldier has a deck with signatures of most of them, including the Ace of Spades himself, Saddam	(114)
	Man with a memory disorder needs to record important events. He records a cop. That's a beatdown (video news story)	(183)
(NWS - Norman)	Tornado about to set down in eastern Oklahoma City Metro areas, funnels sighted etc	(166)
	Study suggests there's, like, no connection between pot and cancer, man. Like, that's a relief, man	(138)
(RTE)	New ugly-assed form of mammal discovered in Ireland. I can haz Shrewsday? (w/pic)	(65)
	Plastic grocery bags are evil. You know who else liked plastic bags? Seriously, a city councilman actually goes there	(85)
	Marti Tracy can't afford all organic food anymore. She can't buy expensive individual servings, either. And now she's being forced to--perish forfend--clip coupons. If you can read this without weeping you're not human	(327)
	Woman awarded Silver Star medal for bravery. Then pulled from her posting, because women aren't supposed to have to be brave	(156)
(Some Guy)	"Some cars get far less credit than they deserve. They please their owners, start every day, look good and go about their business reliably without fanfare. If the auto industry were a film, those cars would be Kevin Bacon."	(167)
	"It's very odd. He's not impotent. He's just very choosy about his women. He's more human than animal. Basically he's a bit of a weirdo." Fark: He's a horse	(68)
	Bill makes it illegal to put fake info on caller ID	(98)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this merman	(84)
	Barbara Walters admits affair with Senator, reveals how she likes her coffee	(138)
	IMDb declares Noah's Ark: "Science Fiction Literature"	(276)
	Maybe Generations X & Y aren't so whiny afterall - they really are getting screwed by baby-boomers. Or at least paid a lot less	(313)
	Everybody is a bigot. We can't help it, it's part of being a successfully evolved primate. Which leaves out Donald Trump	(298)
(Madison.com)	If you've been drinking and come across an accident involving a car and a cow, don't stop. If you do stop, don't hit the cow. If you find it necessary to hit the cow, don't call 911	(46)
	Hillary may be able to answer a 3am phone call, but she can't figure out a convenience store cappuccino machine	(247)
	Where could this panic-mongering headline have come from? "Don't let a hospital kill you" It's not news, It's CNN	(129)
	Department of Transportation: Passengers can now carry methanol fuel cells and spare fuel cartridges aboard flights. Your bottle of water is jealous	(89)
	Britney Spears blew $61 million last year and missed out on $50 million by not touring. Current assets are 3 grand in her checking account, a half-case of Red Bull, and a box of ribbed Trojans	(226)
	Russia sends extra troops to Georgian rebel region. Planing to burn Atlanta and march to the sea	(113)
	Phew, at least everything is back to normal in the life of Dennis Rodman	(44)
	Is the future of TV on the web, and is there any hope of it not sucking so much?	(73)
	Dear Mrs. Fossett, we're sorry we couldn't find your husband. As a token of how sorry we are, please accept this bill for $687,000	(271)
	Huge beaver rampages through Russian store in a desperate search for more vodak	(168)
	The good news: consumer spending up again in April. The bad news: it's because everything costs so damn much now	(232)
	Inmate who was discovered outside the walls of an open prison claimed he had escaped from the jail by accident	(38)
	DC Madam (possibly) commits suicide in Florida	(547)
	Pittsburgh beats Los Angeles as America's "sootiest city." "Snootiest city" title, however, still firmly in LA's grasp	(139)
	Greeter at Wal-Mart gets call from funeral home to arrange her funeral. She tells them she isn't dead, but working at Wal-Mart has certainly killed her spirit	(66)
(Bergen Record)	Rob my store once, shame on you. Rob my store the exact same way two nights in a row, shame on me	(29)
	A shoe tree. In the middle of nowhere. Nobody knows why. Spoooooky	(110)
	If you're going to be in the bathroom that long, bring a camera like she did	(249)
	Welcome to President Bush's half hour comedy hour. Bonus: He thinks Jessica Simpson sucks	(95)
	Teacher caught on video making fun of tards. Florida tag trumps Video tag	(329)
	Fill these empty storefronts	(87)
	"Mission Accomplished" Five years ago. How have you been enjoying the last 5 years of peace and prosperity?	(856)
	President Bush gets one right: It might not be the brightest idea to build an open-pit mine by a volcano that blew its top 28 years ago	(85)
	Two men face charges for trying to break Luke out of jail. Fark: Luke is a dog	(45)
	"The Revolution: A Manifesto" by Ron Paul went on sale yesterday, and already the Amazon user reviews are full of crazy	(992)
	The sexy text messages between scandal-plagued (and married) Detroit mayor and his former chief of staff are made public. "ZOMG hai I sure hope no wun evar finds out 'bout our affair LOLZ"	(127)
	So is there any woman out there that Roger Clemens hasn't nailed?	(166)
	New book to detail Eliot Spitzer's rise, fall, nap	(37)
	Common mistakes pet owners make. Talking to them like a baby in public and sounding like a retard unfortunately absent	(225)
(Some Melvin)	Police: "we’re not going to allow wedgies in North Platte.” (w/amusing pic)	(77)
	Same old rehashed toilet seat, keyboard dirt comparison story making the rounds again today. Someone should write a book about this	(47)
	Let's give a hearty round of applause to China on this, the day it finally overtook the United States as the world's biggest and most unrepentant polluter. Good job guys	(323)
	Chocolate wine, the latest invention from the genius behind egg-and-bacon ice cream	(82)
	Generally speaking, putting the landing gear down is not an optional step in an aircraft's landing procedure	(89)
(Some Guy)	Drew will be on Z103 Lexington, KY for two freakin hours this morning starting at 8am	(33)
	Prosecutors seek more funding for witness-protection pro	(21)
	CBS News employee who was held hostage for two months is glad that he wasn't being "mortarboarded" in Guantanamo. He didn't seem to be worried about being "gowned" or "diplomaed" in Gitmo	(223)
	Special needs monkey haz a birthday. Wants moar cake	(65)
	Estonian police catch man notorious for driving while blind drunk. Fark: actually blind	(25)
	“Convicts' Poker” - a card game that involves four prisoners playing chicken with a raging bull. It's not rehabilitation, it's Prison Rodeo.com	(33)
	Firefighters resuscitate parrot firefighters resuscitate parrot firefighters resuscitate parrot	(40)
(Some Guy)	"A witness saw a man running from the restaurant with a big hot dog suit in his arms"	(21)
(WND)	Trying to shed its image of lunatic diaper-clad astronauts, NASA now in business of helping evangelists predict Jesus' Second Coming. (w/cool pics)	(119)
	The cutest nom nom nose picture you'll see this morning	(67)
	Photoshop theme: Modern technologies used by historical figures	(164)
	Police raid newspaper office to hunt down source of story about government's waste of taxpayers' funds. Freedom of speech surrenders	(47)
	Australian Senate inquiry shows no resident psychologist for 30,000 Aborigines living in remote parts of the outback. They seem to have gotten along just fine for thousands of years without one, but we need to rectify this situation immediately	(70)
	Every time your bags are checked at the airport, Nelson Mandela wins	(38)
	Baltimore residents get all NIMBY over plans for (A) a toxic waste dump, (B) a maximum security prison, or (C) a school?	(64)
	Newsweek brings you 10 painfully obvious driving tips	(185)
	Another teacher tries to have sex with a student, but only makes it as far as the zoo	(64)
	Smoking ban closes 100 pubs. ''The much promoted view that non-smokers would be rushing to premises has not materialised.''	(687)
	A Maine nurse fired after she administered outdated medication, exposed one patient’s blood to another, and used a marker to draw teardrops on the face of a sedated patient. At least one person seems saddened by this news	(55)
	Lawmakers consider a sin tax on fast food. Smokers heard giggling between puffs	(244)
	What women want, part 11 billionty: By age 25, to marry a man named James who earns $50,000 a year. Because this is a British survey, "with a full set of teeth" not polled	(150)
(NBC 4)	When a co-worker is late for work, the best reprimand is probably not locking her in a storage shed and beating on the shed for twenty minutes with a bunch of hammers. Because that leads to lawsuits and stuff	(46)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 156: Show us photos with a dominant purple theme. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(217)

Wed April 30, 2008

(Have gun, will travel)	High School teacher suspended after leaving a loaded gun on her truck's hood, bonus, it was there during her drive to school	(47)
(Some Guy)	Man says fishing trip went good except for the part when the plane ran out of fuel and went down in an empty lot, which is about the same time all those damn crabs in coolers attacked	(34)
	CIA Director: China is not an 'inevitable enemy' to the U.S., goes on to say that sunlight isn't an enemy of snow, winning not an enemy of the Chicago Cubs	(210)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these groovy seats	(54)
	"The drink had a robust, meaty aroma that pleased the palette, grounded by a sharp undercurrent of liquor. It will surely stimulate the senses of breakfast aficionados."	(166)
	Woman who escaped from prison one year into a 20 year drug sentence and went on to have a productive life finally caught. The war on drugs has won another battle	(469)
	Philadelphia passes gun laws in clear violation of state pre-emption. NRA files suit. City challenges NRA's standing. Police chief will enforce new laws. But the DA will not prosecute anyone charged. Welcome to Philly	(393)
	Central Ohio police can't use laser guns to measure speed until they come up with better evidence of reliability than a rumor that a judge once said laser was accurate	(59)
	Nanny State releases its top 10 offensive advertisements, include PETA ad claiming that letting kids eat meat is child abuse	(169)
	Pregnant woman busted for DUI. Again. Bonus: Pregnant sobriety test video	(117)
	It's true: women really do have a harder time losing weight than men	(202)
	Girl, already living in Ca., lured to Hollywood, FLORIDA by MySpace stranger who promises to make her a star. With kids this dumb, the pervs don't even have to try anymore	(77)
	Not News: Yet another list of things to do before you die. News: A list of things to do after you die. Fark: The list is published in the "living" section	(93)
	TMZ reveals name and picture of 14 year old sex crime victim, apparently for no other reason than the child's parent is a celebrity	(184)
	Time magazine's online poll of the top 100 most influential people of the year proves as worthless as any other online poll, with the top 10, astronomer Neil Tyson excepted, making up a cavalcade of dumbness	(223)
	Marriage on the rocks? K-Y to the rescue... yup, that's original headline	(231)
(Some Guy)	It obviously needs repeating. If you're going to rob a waitress by faking an illness, don't run straight home after leaving your mother's bank card at the robbery scene	(18)
	Unfortunately, the "Boobie Bomb" isn't quite what you hoped it might be	(32)
	More Kwame problems in Detroit: "Until I see a message that refers to the fat-ass honky north of Eight Mile, I'm not getting involved."	(144)
	Filthiest mom on Earth lives in trailer declared by authorities to be a biohazard. Bonus: One-year-old son chewing on the used condoms littering the floor. Three guesses which state this winner lives in	(285)
	If you want to "ass" someone to the prom, make sure you "ass" them in an appropriate manner	(72)
(Some Guy)	Family Circus	(185)
	"Operation Enforcing the Law." Further proof that whoever comes up with the names for military operations has totally stopped caring	(102)
	Looking for a good role model for your kids this summer? Why not go see one of the superhero movies coming out. They include pompous, alcoholic, womanizing, reclusive superheroes. Yay Hollywood	(160)
	If Jeremiah Wright were white, do you think anyone would have let him explain how blacks have rhythm because they're "right brained" without being forced out of public life?	(548)
	Not news: Students allowed to play with toys in class. News: They're sex toys. Fark: It's in a college class teaching students how to use sex toys	(102)
	Army "inspecting every barracks building worldwide" after video of bad conditions shot by soldier's father is posted on YouTube. Bonus: Army spokesman says, "Soldiers have been complaining for decades"	(170)
	"Girls Gone Wild" creator uncovers video revealing that Dupre flashed a fake ID and gave consent to be naked on the video, stripping her chances of winning the $10 million lawsuit	(261)
	Helicopter Ben slashes the Fed Funds rate to 2% on news that the U.S. dollar was finally starting to show signs of life	(213)
	Photoshop theme: Propaganda of the Animal Kingdom. (LGT example)	(58)
(Some Pastor)	Hillary's pastor defends Obama's pastor, ignores McCain's pastor. It's PASTORMANIA	(153)
	At least 950 militiamen have been killed and another 2,500 wounded in clashes in Sadr City, and April was deadliest month for U.S. soldiers this year... but remember: The surge is working, do not question the surge	(115)
	Checkers restaurants are pretty small. So small, they have to store their hamburger buns in the men's bathroom. Don't ask where they get the mayo	(59)
	Markets soaring, if by "market" you're referring to the flea market, and by "soaring," you're referring to the number of people trying to sell their stuff in order to pay their mortgage	(62)
	For all the Scandinavian Farkers, happy Walpurgis Night. How are you celebrating? Got the Walpurgis tree up already?	(73)
(Some Guy)	ABC, CBS and NBC agree. Not news: Discovery of hidden ties between media military analysts and the Pentagon. News: Vanity Fair photo of Miley Cyrus	(99)
	England: Where "quizzed" actually means "arrested after a three-hour armed siege in Hertfordshire." They has got their news good	(16)
	How to turn a topless 15-year-old into record Web traffic: VanityFair.com rejoices over Miley Cyrus	(195)
	In a move encouraging the videotaping children in public, British crossing guards issued video cameras. When asked for his thoughts, a crossing guard replied, "At my house, I have Xbox and Skittles"	(43)
(Some Guy)	The official "Grand Theft Auto IV" day-after discussion thread (LIKELY SPOILERS)	(274)
	Today's headline that looks like random words strung together but isn't: "Mexicans seal gang war hospital"	(31)
	State spends over $10,000 to rescue teen who dropped acid and "thought" he broke his leg while lost in the woods	(83)
	Half of Americans struggle to stay happy. If only there were some simple metaphor we could use here, perhaps one describing a glass and its relative water content	(162)
	USDA is not taking a position on "downer cows," man	(36)
(Some Guy)	MADD wants "Grand Theft Auto IV" rated AO due to in-game drunk driving	(290)
	A how-to guide for those who want to date a co-worker. Most important step, "Stop being such a pussy and just ask her," curiously absent from the list (voting enabled for additional suggestions)	(198)
(KTUL)	Judge who was caught using a penis pump released from prison so he can go back to using one instead of being one	(36)
(Some Guy)	Man claiming wombat rape denies he was drunk at the time	(42)
(Some Guy)	If you look real close, at just the right time of day, you'll be lucky to get a glimpse of the migrating homeless. Welcome to Central Florida	(80)
	The new BMW M3 will be awesome, especially if you use it to race to the dry cleaner, elementary school and your wife's gynocological visit	(203)
	Forbes Magazine's "Ten things you should know about Grand Theft Auto." Written by some idiot that picked up news reports, hearsay, disinformation and shoddy reasoning... everything but a controller	(123)
(Durant Democrat)	It's a good idea not to steal credit cards from a jailer's vehicle right after you are released. Oh, and if you are a male and the card is in a woman's name, just forget it	(19)
	Minnesota awards mullet contest to three-year-old; pines for its own Fark tag one day	(75)
	How the Kentucky Derby is hurting racing: For one thing, the cars keep hitting the horses	(52)
	A federal appeals court let the NYC proceed with ordering some chain restaurants to post calorie counts on menu boards, but only after they agreed to postpone issuing fines until mid-July	(76)
(Amused Frequent Flier)	Not news: People being denied boarding of aircraft due to being on the no-fly list. Fark: They're federal air marshals assigned to protect that flight	(85)
(wsbtv.com)	It must be sweeps: TV station does exposé on women who pose nude on the Internet to get free implants (complete with video of one woman who should be raising money for free dentistry instead)	(835)
	Topless golfer caught on camera. Warning: It's John Daly	(64)
	British farkers can relax now: Floyd the Inflatable Pig has been recovered	(88)
(NBC30)	Man's nuts blown off on Love Lane	(50)
	Homeless man arrested for carrying a gun and 4 knives inside his wooden leg. Police say this is the first time they've arrested someone whose leg was armed	(56)
	FDA officials believe Heparin shipments from China were "intentionally contaminated." You may commence panicking... NOW	(250)
	The coolest/strangest picture you'll see all day of a living pigeon with a dart in its head	(328)
(Star-Bulletin)	Cutting government fees is a good thing -- unless you're the city employee who did it for 17 years without authorization	(29)
	If you have stockpiles of illegal drugs and guns in your condo, you might want to refrain from launching fireworks out of your window that are so large, the police investigate the explosions as possible meteor strikes	(54)
	Kayakers. They're like those guys who climb mountains without the right experience, safety equipment, training or gear. But worse	(194)
(Some Guy)	Fifteen-year-old chugs vodka in the morning on an empty stomach. Who is at fault? The school, of course	(247)
	Ousted university president faces new drunk-driving charges after police find him asleep in his still-running car with open bottles... exactly one year after he was arrested for drunken driving after flipping his university-owned car	(47)
	Men who flirt publicly with women in northern Saudi Arabia are to be punished by being given haircuts	(168)
(Some Guy)	Old and busted: Huffing gold paint. New hotness: Huffing $10-per-gallon gas. Fark: By a boy made of cork	(75)
	She couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat, there was no doubt, she was in deep. Her throat was tight, she could not breathe, and so she went to a rehab clinic where she was diagnosed with an addiction to love	(61)
(Some Guy)	Ball State professor is under arrest after fighting with cops, biting a police vehicle	(48)
(Daytona Beach News-Journal)	Doctor making house calls takes detour to save prostitute by impersonating cop. Then it gets weird	(25)
	Ling Ling shuffles shuffles off off this this mortal mortal coil coil	(96)
	Photoshop this leaping mop	(45)
	Texas man arrested after trying to cash a $360 billion check	(109)
(The Capital Times)	Man's reason for attacking bicyclist with ice scraper: "I just got out of jail. I'm trying to have fun and whoop some ass"	(74)
	Man spends 27 years in prison for not murdering his girlfriend. DNA clears him, making him the nation's longest-serving inmate to be freed as a result of DNA testing	(267)
	Shoplifter to police: “I got the money to pay for it, can I go back and pay?”	(28)
	In the late-1990s, a guy named Bill Geerhart sent various celebrities and famous serial killers a picture of himself at age 10 and a letter asking for general life advice. These are their responses	(128)
	Teen girls' magazines defend their right to publish content that will turn your precious little snowflake into Paris Hilton	(89)
	Ecuador is on the verge of making good sex a constitutionally guaranteed right for women, assuming that men will be able to find that part of the constitution. (Warning: Small pic of a bloke's bare bum in a sidebar link)	(36)
	Defense Secretary Robert Gates on Tuesday said the Navy has temporarily added a second aircraft carrier in the Gulf as a "reminder" to Iran, but said the change was not an escalation of U.S. forces	(347)
	No more beer, my friend? That's a stabbin'. Tag also for the beer situation	(18)
	Artifacts looted from Iraqi museums are now being returned to Iraq, where they are sure to remain safe and sound forever and ever	(21)
	West coast sharks retake lead, killing a U.S. tourist surfing in Mexico	(45)
	Teen tries to blow up school in attempt to die, go to heaven, and assassinate Jesus. Apparently he forgot how much trouble Jesus has staying dead	(124)
	Mazda destroys 4,703 shiny new (and apparently undamaged) cars worth $100 million. Reason: The ship carrying them tilted while en route to the U.S.	(169)
(Green Bay Press Gazette)	There are no problems that young couples face these days that a good waffle-iron to the head can't solve	(59)
	Seven-year-old explains to CNN why he steals cars for fun	(177)

Tue April 29, 2008

	Old and busted: Miley Cyrus wrapped in a sheet. New Hotness: Disney billboard featuring 12-year-old in her underwear. Marginally SFW	(222)
(The Palm Beach Post)	Buxom Florida high school teacher says she lost her job because she works as a bikini-clad babe on fishing charter. How is she supposed to hook up with students now? (w/pics)	(240)
	CBS News likely to drop Katie Couric, will switch to Naked News format to boost ratings	(68)
	Retired veterinary surgeon flying solo around the world decides to land at George Bush's ranch in Texas to thank him personally for US coastguards saving his life. Hospitality did not ensue	(67)
	The Olympics are getting closer, which means it is time for the traditional Australian media hysteria about difficulties getting Vegemite into host nation	(71)
	When you call your armed friend to back you up in a fight, make sure he knows not to fire a warning shot into your head	(73)
	Landing safely after illegal BASE jump: rush. Landing safely right in front of a police car: fail	(35)
	In four years, we will all look back fondly on the days of $5/gallon gas	(292)
(Some Geograpy Thing)	Photoshop some excitement into this boring lake scene	(62)
	Even if you're a cop, it's not a good idea to spank a female officer on the butt at a drunken barbecue and say, "If it's there - it's only fair that I hit it."	(66)
	You better have some damn good references if your boyfriend starts stealing shirts in a store while you're applying for a job there	(30)
(Some Guy)	There Can Be Only One . . . clumsy tequila thief with a sword hidden in his cane	(31)
(Centre Daily Times)	Man's nickname kills him	(73)
	Illegal immigrants arrested after defying physics by cramming nine men into a Toyota Celica. After their trial, they're expected to remove a stuck couch from Dirk Gently's landing	(82)
	Greek court to provide setting for some lesbian on lesbian action	(50)
(Chronicle of Higher Education)	America's most overrated product: the Bachelor's Degree. It turns out the money is better spent on beer and video games	(486)
	In order to get around the ban in Germany on Hitler's manifesto, historians want to revise it so it deals less with the Aryan race and more with interior design. Book tentatively titled, "Mein Kampfy Chair"	(59)
	The long strange trip is over: Father of LSD Albert Hoffmann has been reported dead at 102	(254)
(Some Guy On a Falcon Quest)	Coolest live peregrine falcon webcam you'll see all day. Bonus: Ugly-ass baby falcons	(63)
	Monkeys in Florida continue to put on a clinic in hiding from police	(57)
	Press freedom setbacks outnumber advances █-to-█ across the globe, especially in █████ █████, ████ and the former █.█.█.█	(112)
	"It's as if Saudi (female) teachers are doomed to bid farewell to their families every day and embark on a journey they may not return from"	(167)
	Brits are getting ruder and ruder. Soon, we'll think of the French as "the polite ones"	(132)
	"Belly facials for moms-to-be" is NOT what you think it is	(126)
	Scientists find "legless lizard." Psssst... guys, those are called "snakes"	(114)
	Not to fear monger or anything, but ABC News wonders if it's time to start stockpiling food... and includes a photo of a 50s bomb shelter. EVERYBODY PANIC	(136)
	Cher once dated Tom Cruise, proving once again that she's a magnet for gay men	(84)
	"Former" terrorists stumble upon the elusive Step 2: Speech to University students entitled "Why We Want to Kill You" for $10,000 fee	(147)
	Bush: All economic woes (presumably including falling dollar, mortgage crisis, runs on rice at Costco) are Congress' fault because they haven't okayed more oil drilling. Also, we're not in a recession	(593)
(Some Guy)	It's just like the story of Tristan and Isolde. Except her name is India, Tristan took LSD, then he tried to run down some people who told him to put his pants on, and then crashed into a tree and killed his beloved	(127)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these feet somewhere more interesting	(58)
	That game you were looking forward to playing when you got home from work, maybe you should wait a week or two. Maybe spend a little bit more time in Vice City	(201)
(Lady Liberty)	Man shows up for court to fight a $72 traffic ticket while three times the legal limit for intoxication. Trial postponed pending sobriety	(25)
	YouTube caves to Scientologists, gives them own channel	(218)
	Madonna is shocked and appalled at a Malawian sexual cleansing ritual. In related news, something sexual has actually shocked Madonna	(180)
	You know that giant squid they caught and froze? The half-ton one with the 30-foot long tenatacles lined with razor-sharp hooks? It was probably the runt of the litter	(124)
	"The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met 20 years ago," Obama said of the man who married him. In related news, apparently Obama is gay	(1000)
	Hey Joe, a Jimi Hendrix sex tape is being released. Excuse me while they kiss this guy	(123)
	Vanity Fair website crashes after posting risque Miley Cyrus pictures. Obviously this means that America has a serious pedophile problem	(440)
	Denver-based airline clearly not at the Frontier of diversity training when employee shows noose to black co-worker and asks, "Are you ready?"	(153)
(Some Guy)	The official "Grand Theft Auto IV" release thread	(559)
	U.S. military uses secret ray gun to blow up goats. Pew pew pew	(188)
	"Bring your gun to work" law validated as customer pulls gun on store managers, both of whom are packing something other than groceries	(460)
	Did Jesus appear in an ultrasound? The answer, of course, is "No, you idiot"	(202)
	Roger Clemens sometimes sent Mindy McCready payments of $25,000 but the relationship was not sexual. So that settles everything	(171)
	Illinois congressman wants constituents to come up with legislation, and he'll introduce it. Sounds cool until you find out the last legislation covered the pressing issue of seat belts for dogs	(92)
	Tariq Aziz insists he is not going on trial in Iraq today. There is no trial here	(90)
	Man was arrested for cleaning up his own graffiti	(61)
	"I can't win the lottery, but I can get a drive shaft in my face"	(80)
	"I think it's ironic that she charged Gov. Spitzer $2,000 for sex and she wants to charge me $10 million for taking some naked pictures of her"	(272)
	By 2100, there will be one billion people in the U.S., and about half of them will have taken your job	(188)
	Rudy Giuliani in trouble for receiving holy communion during the pope's visit because he supports abortion rights. Jesus Christ	(465)
	Satan threatens to blow up Downtown Disney's Planet Hollywood, then the Earth	(125)
(kvii)	Amarillo museum listed as the No. 1 most loved museum. Suck it, Guggenheim. In related news, Amarillo has a tourism industry	(82)
	Israel's military shows off robotic soldier. Army officials hope to avoid having it hit by lightning, lest it go off searching for "input"	(173)
	Step 1: Break into church. Step 2: Burglarize church. Step 3: Do NOT fall asleep at the scene of the crime	(28)
	...aaaaand turning this corner, we have a senior Iraqi government official assassinated	(113)
	California woman caught doing 141 kph in a 100-kph zone in Canada; claims she didn't understand the metric system	(226)
	Marines flood into Taliban-controlled Afghanistan. Um, again	(109)
(Some Guy)	New study shows that restaurants that have BBQ grills have a distinct odor of burning meat. Naturally, vegans have beef with this	(495)
	Doomsday sect miscalculates the end of the world. No, this is not a repeat from 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000	(118)
	Oregon high school tells students to stay at home until they've shaved their eyebrows off	(139)
	"The big reason for stress in dogs is our inability to understand what they are saying." Other than "steak" or "out," my dog isn't saying much	(76)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Bills	(43)
	Iran declares war on that American whore Barbie. "The personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages"	(100)
	When it comes to Carrie Fisher, Han definitely shot first	(227)
	Old and busted: Friends with benefits. New: Marrying those friends WITH benefits. Seven percent of Americans married in the last year so they could get healthcare benefits	(58)
(The Times of India)	Cop, caught in a sting operation, eats his bribe money	(35)
(Some Fark Party Guy)	May 10th NJ Fark party follow-up. LGT venue	(73)
	Seventh-grade student who was called a "hippie" by other students protests "labelism"... by getting people to sign her belt. What could possibly go wrong?	(152)
	Politician admits to sniffing a chair one of his female staff had been sitting in. Giggit -- aw to hell with it, man, that ain't right	(93)
	Country music songwriter arrested after roommate, father of former SNL star Cheri Oteri, found dead. That's gonna be one helluva song	(51)
	The best picture of a chihuahua dressed as a scuba diver you'll see today	(45)
	Not news: Woman writes bad check at Target and splits. News: Woman leaves behind purse full of crystal meth. Fark: And then comes back for it after police arrive	(43)
(Some Guy)	Pittsburgh Pirates ownership gives fans the finger	(68)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this theatrical twosome	(50)

Mon April 28, 2008

	Actual headline: "WSU considering axing forestry program." These cuts wood surely stump critics	(144)
	Washington Post gets their Romero on, blames "recent" spate of sexually-charged teachers on The Myspace and The Facebook	(87)
(News From Me)	Vegas' Golden Gate Casino doubles the price of their famous 99-cent Shrimp Cocktail. It's not even worth the gas to drive out there anymore	(79)
(Some Hairy Guy)	Shaving the Superman logo into your chest hair doesn't make you a better golfer	(72)
	Wiener dog race slideshow. So cute your teeth will hurt	(120)
	Did you hear about the deaf soldier being sent back to Iraq?	(145)
(Some Guy)	If you were ever wondering about the strategic influence of amphibious assault ships, then this article is for you	(77)
	Teens find wallet containing $2,500. on beach. So, they do what any teens would do..... they returned it to the owner	(166)
	Mother who used up all her maternity leave and vacation time a week before her child was born doesn't understand why her company fired her	(664)
	The Gryphon attack glider is a 135 MPH one-man delta wing plane/parachute. With too cool for words video	(194)
	Kid dragged off to a foster home after father accidently bought the kid Mike's Hard Lemonade instead of regular lemonade	(179)
	The top 20 saltiest foods. Before you ask, no, that's not one of them	(242)
(Gather.com)	Man petitions for Midget Olympic events. Submitter disagrees, because they could cheat with their magic	(66)
	McCready's mom admits Mindy connected with Clemens, but denies any Rogering	(57)
	Strippers in Toronto could be as rare as a Stanley Cup victory parade	(58)
	Howard Dean invokes the little known "Thunderdome" clause in the DNC bylaws	(311)
(The Orange County Register)	Man remembers every day of his life. Brain researchers learn what he ate for lunch on Aug. 18, 1965, and what year the Captain & Tennille won Record of the Year	(121)
	Mom goes into labor, gives birth in a Dairy Queen parking lot. Baby immediately promoted to manager	(41)
	"Grand Theft Auto" proves, yes Virginia, there is sex in the champagne room	(328)
(Galesburg Register-Mail)	You get hit in the face with a dodgeball in PE. Do you: A) Shake it off? B) Beat the thrower up? C) Bring a shotgun to school?	(103)
	Bringing things to their logical conclusion: LOLMurders	(164)
	Will Robinson dead at 96. Should have listened to that stupid robot	(57)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this thirsty squirrel	(55)
	In an unprecedented move, a Florida teacher has completed her own teacher/student sex trifecta in less than a month	(219)
	Man robs a woman at knifepoint for her bag, then returns her bag and gives her his mobile phone number to call so he can "make it up to her"	(39)
	Lebowski Fest this July. Bonus Bridges and Goodman want to go. Along with the urban achievers	(337)
(Some Guy)	Drunk man attempts to shoot bees with a revolver. It did not end well	(137)
	It's official: Spring is here. Thus sayeth the cinder block on the bottom of Joe's Pond	(72)
	One dolphin dead after two dolphins collide mid-air during a SeaWorld show	(251)
	Burger King executive with far too much free time on his hands busted for trolling pro-union videos on Youtube	(166)
	Taco truck temporarily the most flaming thing in the San Francisco area	(50)
	Dr. Kerkorian expresses a keen interest in Ford, will probably argue for Ford's right to die	(60)
(Some Guy)	Austrian man, 73, fakes his daughter's disappearance, imprisons her in the cellar for 24 years, fathers seven children on her -- and his wife, who raised three of them, just found out today. The aristocrats	(439)
	Old and Busted: Donating your clothes to Goodwill. New Hotness: Donating your kid to Goodwill	(29)
	4 out of 7 computer repair techs cannot fix unseated RAM. Shockingly, 3 out of 7 could	(324)
	Aging Gen X and Yers finding out everything sucks, just like Kurt Cobain said it would	(345)
	What better way for truckers to protest skyrocketing gas prices than to fill up their gas-guzzling trucks and drive around D.C. in rush-hour traffic	(87)
	Robert Downey Jr. blames the film "Less Than Zero" for fueling his drug addiction. In related news, liquor stores told to be on high alert for the actor when he starts filming the drunk-ass "Iron Man" sequels	(118)
	If you're going to pay $42,373 per year for college, keep in mind that the cost does not include a room	(108)
	Not news: Giant, inflatable pig during Roger Waters concert. Fark: Underside of pig says "Obama" with checked ballot box	(142)
	Pittsburgh Fark Party this Friday, May 2nd. LGT previous thread	(39)
	Olympic torch begins North Korea leg of relay completely free of protests	(52)
	In this league, knocking your teeth out is a good thing	(131)
	Miley Cyrus embarassed over new pics in Vanity Fair, because if Disney says you're embarassed, you're embrassed	(324)
	Russia plans to bury Chernobyl reactor in giant steel coffin 22 years after the horse has left the barn	(137)
	Orlando priest accused of molesting boys, asking them to touch him in "the happiest place on Earth"	(146)
	Day of silence over treatment of the gay community goes off without a hitch, except of course for the Jesus worshippers and their bullhorns of intolerance	(1070)
	Carnival worker falls 40 feet from Roll-O-Plane ride. Fall cushioned by flask in worker's back pocket, but still knocked out three of his six teeth	(37)
	Goldman Sachs releases list of Top 10 stocks that will benefit from the stimulus checks, betting that given a little extra cash, Americans will spend it on bad food and cheap Chinese merchandise	(135)
	“You can have my 1500 calorie sandwich when you take it from my cold, dead, fat hands.” The movement is now afoot to make being fat a "legal right." Movement members can’t see their feet but it’s afoot anyway	(417)
	Not really news: Authorities discover factory producing thousands of "Free Tibet" flags. Fark: In China	(63)
	People figuring out the only way to get service from Comcast is to whine about it online	(104)
	UPS employees steal copies of "GTA IV" en route to retailers	(146)
	Atlanta Hawks new motto following Saturday's win over Celtics: "Don't be satisfied." Hawks expected to change motto later in the week to "At least we won one"	(53)
(Post-Gazette)	Newlyweds with S&M fetish interrupted by some inconsiderate bastards. Jailarity ensues with pic of bride being sprung from jail in full regalia	(184)
(Some Streetlight)	Not to be outdone by Arizona, bogus UFO now spotted over Texas	(41)
	Scientists seeks 150 women to eat chocolate for a year	(99)
	Top researchers tackle an age-old question: Why do ghosts wear clothes?	(202)
	Three kids busted putting the "high" in high school. With mugshot goodness	(97)
(Some Roberto)	Photoshop this young mariachi playing his guitarrón for a good cause	(55)
	Just when you thought Japanese entertainment couldn't get any weirder, 84 babies meet up for a "crying sumo" contest	(32)
(Some Guy)	Director Guillermo del Toro says Ian McKellen and Andy Serkis are onboard for "Hobbit" films, also explains how his movies will be different than Peter Jackson's	(281)
	Dutch government decides they really don't like pretty colours and melting walls	(91)
	Our queen, who buzzes in heaven, honeyed be thy name. (Slightly not safe for work ad in article)	(35)
	German study confirms: Smart women are horrible lays	(642)
	Japanese citizens group organizes in order to get men to stop leering at women in mixed-sex hot spring baths	(56)
	Getting greedy after that swap for Manhattan, the state of New York now wants to tax cigarettes sold on Indian reservations	(105)
	Porn film production? In my McDonald's? That's a whopper if I ever heard one	(102)
	DHS to enlist America's 80-million recreational boaters to watch for terrorists smuggling in nuclear bombs. Brilliant	(58)
	Nothing marks the resurrection of Jesus quite like firing rockets at the neighboring church's bell tower	(38)
	Every three days or so, someone steals a single head of broccoli from this man's garden	(61)
	Slow news day in Japan: Old man's pet emu rescued after escaping into rice paddy. That is so emu	(24)
	The works of Ansel Adams, narrated by his former assistant Andrea Stillman	(63)
(Some Guy)	"The man told the deputy the reason he was slurring his speech was because 'his dentist advised him his mouth was too big for his tongue'"	(23)
	Quakes rattle Reno. Bunny Ranch charges extra for "plate tectonics tantric roll"	(43)
	Turns out the Olympics won't be the only train wreck in China this year	(65)
(King 5)	Possible remedy to high gas prices -- a four-day work week	(268)
(Some Guy)	When opening a new pharmacy, make sure the building doesn't share a ventilation system with the morgue next door	(40)
(Some TFette)	Photoshop this guy at the end of his rope	(53)