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Sun May 04, 2008
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In Vancouver, you may be denied a driver's license because you are: (A) pagan, (B) BDSM, (C) annoying, or (D) some combination of all three | (62) |
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"Maybe this generation feels more comfortable walking around in their underwear. I'm not sure that's a good thing." | (108) |
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Over 350 killed by cyclone in Burma. Many more survive but have a close shave | (110) |
| (Territorial) |  |
Police unsure why Darwin men climbed over fence at top of cliff. Maybe they were trying to prove a theory | (49) |
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Calgary couple with identical quadruplets has to color-code them to identify them | (64) |
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Parents of the year leave baby unnattended in running car to watch the Derby in a betting parlor. Tell police it was perfectly safe though, since they DID leave the heater on | (43) |
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If you're going to lie to the cops about your identity, it's really important that you don't pick the name of a wanted murderer | (48) |
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"Baaaaaah" means "Yes". Bestiality still legal in Florida as legislative session closes | (152) |
| (FishingVideoNews) | |
Woman suffers from incurable fish odor syndrome - where is your cod now? (news video) | (160) |
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Umbillically, 17 year old mom walks to hospital with secret baby. Doctors say kid has placenta to eat, family is just glad it's ovary. Penis | (237) |
| (Some Ivan) |  |
Photoshop this Soyuz reentry capsule | (51) |
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British royals have been so ugly, for so long, that by British media standards, Princess Beatrice is considered hot (w/pic) | (355) |
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Fishermen narrowly escape death when 40-tonne truck crashes just two feet from their tent. Seriously, you should've seen it, a 60-tonne truck just six inches away | (55) |
| (Some comrade) |  |
Cute Russian reporter tries to live for a week on only domestically-produced foods, forgets the obvious solution of just getting drunk off her ass on vodka for a week | (89) |
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Taser corp. wins lawsuit. People no longer die of tasings, instead die of "excited delirium", a cause that doesn't appear in medical textbooks, only in police reports | (311) |
| (Vladivostok News) | |
US and Russian navies will settle the cold-war score once and for all in a sandwich-making contest. OM NOM NOMski, comrade | (68) |
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Apparently, the thanks for getting North Korea to back down over its nuclear programme should go to the owner of a barbecue restaurant in New Jersey. How YOU doin'? | (50) |
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Best essay could win mansion. Cost per entry: $200. Fine print: owner reserves the right to not award the house but gets to keep the money. Florida tag trumps asinine, stupid and dumbass tag | (55) |
| (Some Guy) | |
"Get a brain morans" guy has new competition | (448) |
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India's first retirement home for elderly elephants opens next month, with someone to wipe their backsides and listen to their stories of what they did during the War | (25) |
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Amtrak plans multi-city celebration of National Train Day. Parties will begin 47 minutes past schedule, cost twice as much as planned, and will accomodate only two-thirds of those wanting to attend | (104) |
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Despite format war victory, Blu-Ray player sales are down. This has nothing do do with $35 discs and $500 players, does it? | (286) |
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Old & busted: Yuppies. New hotness: YAWNs: Young and Wealthy but Normal | (114) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this winter painting | (58) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Twelve-year-old girl arrested for battery after holding Bic lighter under boy's elbow during class | (83) |
| (adn.com) | |
Alaska Airlines announces merger with wild geese | (37) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Man informs his wife that they have three hours to quit smoking, drinking, swearing and engaging in some sex acts because "they were going to be good Christians now." She does not take the news well | (129) |
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Spanish town surprised, SURPRISED, when British students take heavy advantage of 'all-you-can-drink' deals. "These students do not behave like civilised human beings," said the mayor. With pic of boobies-pinching clown | (129) |
| (environmental graffiti) |  |
Chinese herbal expert lived to be 256 years old. Turns out Keith Richards and Barbara Walters are not the first to contemplate living past 200 | (83) |
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There is a growing trend for would-be grooms to throw out the rule book and opt for best women instead. Please return your man card now | (108) |
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If you misplaced 18 chickens in Maryland, the cops say you can't have them back | (17) |
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Begun, the fish wars have. Canada refuses to bow to the might of America. This probably won't end well | (99) |
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More than 30 prisoners escaped from a jail in southeastern Guinea by using spoons to scoop a hole in the baked earth wall of their prison. There is no spoon, there are spoons | (43) |
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Maybe the dingo didn't get your baby after all | (54) |
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Jack Thomspon compares himself to John the Baptist in a letter to GTA4 developer's mother | (140) |
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140 cows endangered by the New Brunswick floods are saved and brought by barge to their graduation ceremony at Bovine University | (37) |
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In Japan, pets now outnumber young children, and it's all due to a 2000 TV commercial featuring a Chihuahua | (73) |
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Some scientist you never heard of has figured out why there's a surge in shark attacks this year: Global warming | (221) |
| (Stourbridge News) | |
Man says he swore at the cops because he was tired of them harassing him after the first 73 convictions | (24) |
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Pharmacy sends employees onto sidewalks to sell drugs. At least they're finally being honest | (24) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop Red Skelton | (42) |
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For just $42 a night, you can stay at the fabulous Taliban Towers Resort & Spa in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Be sure to visit the gift shop | (116) |
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Man files petition to change name to "In God We Trust". If he's successful, Submitter considering changing name to "Hooray Beer" | (61) |
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"I was held down on the field, while the players watched, as Coach grabbed a bat and shoved it at my buttocks." Crying now allowed in baseball | (80) |
Sat May 03, 2008
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Old and busted: Lying on your resume about your education or job experience. New hotness: Lying on your resume about your prison record. As in, lying that you have one | (80) |
| (The Intelligencer) |  |
Note to self: Don't leave notes in day-planner about who you're murdering which day | (26) |
| (InventorSpot) | |
In an effort to look beautiful and reverse the nation's declining birthrate, Japanese women are slathering their faces with bird poo. You're doing it wrong | (57) |
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Woman who lost three children in traffic accident gives birth to triplets | (89) |
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Mother shoots daughter with BB gun to win $1 bet. Yes, alcohol was involved | (105) |
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Guam officially means more to the Democratic primaries than Florida | (186) |
| (The Times) | |
Biologist with pilot's license demonstrates a stunning grasp of natural selection after forgetting to fuel his plane | (65) |
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In a pretty clear omen from the gods, Hillary Clinton's Kentucky Derby pick finished a close second, collapsed and was killed on the spot | (215) |
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Proctor & Gamble sue Johnson & Johnson over their better & more convenient tooth-whitening strips | (41) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Gas prices getting so bad even cops are stealing gas. Oh wait, it's Louisiana? Never mind, business as usual | (25) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Hawaii wants to secede from the union. "Come on guys, it's only eight more months." | (461) |
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According to "experts", gasoline engines are just spiffy, and these aren't the droids you're looking for | (221) |
| (WSFA 12) | |
I don't know what the problem is, it's not like they're making fun of Helen Keller. Oh, wait, they are | (119) |
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Experts say: "To fight gas prices, get better gas mileage." Also suggest excercise and diet to lose weight; water and soap for showering | (88) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this vacuumless barometer | (52) |
| (Environmental Graffiti) | |
Juneau how they cut power consumption by 40%? I don't know, Alaska | (86) |
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Craigmont, Idaho sign says, "Bring back global warming," due largely to the fact that it's 35 degrees Fahrenheit there in May. For those who use metric, that's about 200 kilometeres, er sumpin' | (236) |
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People are still forwarding hoax emails and joining Facebook groups that promise charitable donations. Everytime you click on this link Bill Gates pays for a sick kid's surgery | (44) |
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“Let's all become expert swimmers”, “Let's popularise basketball", and “Let's take revenge a thousand times on the US imperialist wolves” - catchy slogans from North Korean propaganda posters | (85) |
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"Major," a 145-pound St. Bernard dog, was tossed from a plane at 26,000 feet to test parachute straps at a high altitude. Darwin denied, PETA pissed, and your dog damned glad that's over with | (105) |
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British supermarket is now selling ostrich eggs. Weigh in about 3lbs and take two hours to boil. (w/pic) Om nom nom nom | (78) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Western Civilization is grinding to its wretched end. The English aren't drinking like they used to | (39) |
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Biggest Pipe Collector's gathering in the country fuming mad that smoking has been banned at their convention. 4000 peoples’ restaurant and hotel business will be gone next year. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Illinois | (349) |
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Albert Einstein inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame. In other news, there is a New Jersey Hall of Fame | (70) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The ten most disgusting beers in the world | (439) |
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The secret to a happy marriage: be annoying | (156) |
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Only nine percent of Americans admit to using online personal ads. No, that's not my Craigslist ad, honey, someone must have stolen my photo, honest, I swear | (65) |
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Nobel Prize winner calls on Bush to stop sending U.S. food to starving nations. And he actually makes some sense. Huh? | (182) |
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Congress wants to stop credit card companies from jacking your rate up to 33% just because your water bill was paid a day late. Maybe this government regulation stuff isn't so bad after all | (306) |
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These boots are made for walking... freaky boot fetishist stalks workmen in big boots to come and walk over his genitals | (30) |
| (Some Guy) | |
You hit a car. Do you A) Wait for the police to arrive, B) Exchange insurance information, or C) Lead police on a chase until you pull over and shoot yourself in the chest with a concrete nail gun? | (27) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this flying goalkeeper | (47) |
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Judge rules that New Orleans Katrina victims can sue the Army Corps of Engineers. This should end well | (76) |
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Two men guilty of attempted blackmail of Royal who allegedly performed gay sex act on employee. Duke sucks | (54) |
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Ring in Caturday with the Cat Lady of Baghdad | (516) |
| (ABC News) | |
Not one, but two, vehicles stuck between gates at railroad crossing. Train coming. Have no fear, an 11-year-old boy is here | (50) |
| (KTAR) | |
Today's "23-year-old high school teacher fired for kissing student" brought to you by Glendale, AZ | (34) |
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You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, and you don't mess around with LA's taco trucks | (36) |
| (Some Guy) | |
What better way to make sure that your state will continue to have the worst drunk driving rate in the country, year after year, than to lower the drinking age to 19? | (265) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Cutest pics of ugly-ass baby albino kangaroo cuddling with its mother that you'll see today | (43) |
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Calgary pentathlon: Get drunk, break into businesses, miss the toilet, fap to porn on office computers, fall asleep until cops arrive | (37) |
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Not "The Happiest Place on Earth" today | (94) |
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Using an ambulance, a uniform, and forged credentials, a man named Nurse posed as a paramedic for 18 months. Cosmo Kramer unavailable for comment | (42) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Hotel employee jailed for giving pass keys to homeless people for free so they'd have a place to stay. She may have gotten away with it if another employee hadn't found the homeless folk soaking in the hotel hot tub | (63) |
| (KOTV) | |
When moving out of your apartment, be sure to take your iPod containing your iPedo iPorn collection with you | (66) |
| (Kingston Daily Freeman) | |
Even with the aid of a shotgun, man fails to break up a fight on his front porch. That is, until a woman shows up with some kids Big Wheel | (48) |
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Not News: Thieves Stealing gas. News: from a boat Fark: Check on progress by flipping their bic | (32) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this filling station timewarp | (57) |
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Cops arrest man, cops shoot dog, alligator pees on reporter's shoes. Or, as it's called in Toledo, Friday | (41) |
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Ugly-ass baby monkey thinks a teddy bear is its mommy (with cute-ass pic) | (41) |
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Convicted killer walks away from jail, survives a few days in the harsh Canadian conditions, walks back to jail | (48) |
| (Albany Times Union) | |
Inmates in 58 New York jails are getting playing cards featuring missing persons in hopes they'll be able to identify them. "Oh yeah, I killed the 8 of clubs. You can stop searching now" | (30) |
Fri May 02, 2008
| (NBC 6 South Florida) | |
Cops raid wrong house in search for marijuana. Resident of wrong house: "I asked them if a marijuana plant could grow inside my underwear drawer" | (220) |
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Today's story about a guy who called the cops to report his marijuana plants stolen brought to you by Eureka, California | (35) |
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According to askmen.com, Oklahoma City is worse than Chernobyl and Baghdad, and a whole host of other places the author surely hasn't visited | (92) |
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Forget PS3, 360, or Wii. Just get this for your SNES | (124) |
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Fox News hits an all-time low, even for Fox News: The ins and outs of shaving your pubes | (246) |
| (Some fool and his money) | |
Step 1) Push bag of cash around store in shopping cart. Step 2) Leave cart unattended. Step 3) Rethink cunning plan | (33) |
| (Wave Mag) | |
Fatburger and In-N-Out going to war in the bay area. Who will reign supreme? | (188) |
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John Cusack hopes his new anti-war film, featuring a chorus line of nearly naked female amputees, will offend people. Mission Accomplished | (185) |
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Scientists say that summer weather will melt ice. Wow. Hope they are paid well | (281) |
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TSG's weekly mugshot roundup. To save time, submitter recommends #1, 6, and 9 for hotness, #5 for teh funny, #3 for eye bleach | (185) |
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If you've gotta stash your "priceless" RC planes somewhere, a trailer with wheels that one can easily steal probably isn't the best place | (48) |
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When considering things to collect for your new hobby "things that explode" should be the first crossed off the list | (28) |
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Stop us if you've heard this one before: Taiwan and $30 million in foreign aid walk into a bar to meet two men they hardly know | (42) |
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Here's proof that having agile toes may save your life someday | (45) |
| (The Fayetteville Observer) | |
Soldier crawls through machine-gun fire to reach wounded soldiers. While under fire, he provides medical care, carries a wounded soldier across open ground, and helps other wounded soldiers seek cover. Then he rallies his team to safety. Ta-dah | (342) |
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US breast-feeding rates hit new high. Suck it, babies | (230) |
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"This is your captain. Please put your seatbacks up, your trays in the upright position, and your stewardess in her farking seat" | (74) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
On second thought, Gov. Jim Gibbons decides forcing Steve Fossett's widow to pay for his unsuccessful search wasn't such a great idea after all | (125) |
| (Some Guy) | |
It's a bit nipply at the top of the front page of the Birmingham News (SFW pic). No word on if this constitutes being a "pubic enemy" | (161) |
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Pharoah Akhenaten had breasts, wide hips and an egghead. Seems to have gotten a Ra deal after introducing monotheism | (122) |
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Would you eat 2,900 calorie cheese fries? The answer of course is a resounding "Yes. With chili and extra cheese." | (305) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this grate | (51) |
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"Seat savers" hold your bar stool when you're in the loo while branding you an idiot | (109) |
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Men arrested and charged with 27 fishing violations after using beer cans to catch trout | (92) |
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Recorded LBJ White House conversations reveal troubled times, man who liked to whip out his penis | (98) |
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Shirtless man eludes LAPD after car chase by swimming in Port of L.A. for 15 minutes | (77) |
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Man pushes Denver to proactively deal with possible visits from space aliens. Yes, he is single and lives with his parents. The article says so | (59) |
| (Some Immigrant Redneck) | |
Florida pickup truck owners rejoice: You may keep your testicles | (139) |
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Two students have bright idea to microwave light bulbs, which ended up to be more of a hot idea | (126) |
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U.S. could have major outbreak of measles. EVERYONE PAN....there were only 64 cases? Never mind | (202) |
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President Bush asked Congress yesterday to approve $770 million in new global food aid for the coming fiscal year, the same amount that 2 days of the Iraq war costs | (555) |
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Alligator killed by turtle. It did take a while, though | (107) |
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Hawaiians trying to break world's longest lei record, previously held by Paris Hilton | (49) |
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CNN graces us with yet another story from its hard hitting series on "Man Caves" | (184) |
| (Wide Eye) | |
Ever want to send a woman a shot at a bar but were afraid she wouldn’t accept it? Things have changed. (Sponsored Link) | (92) |
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Ma'am I'll need to see your license and registration. I'll also need to suck your toes | (57) |
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The strangest picture of a seal trying to have sex with a penguin you'll see for at least two days | (182) |
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Grand Theft Auto IV music man discusses the process of choosing 214 of the best songs for running, stealing, fighting and beating up hookers | (209) |
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Pro-Tibet protester in Hong Kong under the mistaken apprehension that she lives in a free country. "What right do they have to take me away? I have a right to express my opinion." | (178) |
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'Missing girl' sitting next to her 'missing child' poster ignored by most shoppers during Local 6 experiment (with video) | (385) |
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Texas Congressman celebrates Alcohol Awareness Month by driving drunk. Bonus: he co-sponsored legislation that would make drunk driving a more serious crime | (74) |
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In no way living up to a national stereotype, French doctor publishes a book in which he exhorts his countrymen to belch, break wind and sweat profusely at every opportunity | (73) |
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In his latest effort to convince white, middle-class voters that he is like them, Barack Obama reveals that he also avoids Black neighborhoods | (581) |
| (Some Typo) | |
Today's unfortunate healdine typo brought to you by WJFW TV-12 | (116) |
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Breaking Rules #1 and #2, ‘Fight Club member’ explains, “we basically make sure that no one is going to be a punk butt.” | (146) |
| (Columbus Dispatch) | |
Terms of Probation: 1. Don't leave the state 2. No drugs or alcohol 3. Absolutely NO sharing of Little Debbie Snack Cakes | (95) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The military plans to use YouTube to treat PTSD. Future story: mental problems caused by YouTube commenters | (48) |
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Today's "teenagers arrested for posting evidence of their illegal activities on YouTube" story brought to you by Danbury, Connecticut | (72) |
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Flaming manholes in Hahvard Square cause evacuation of all pahked cahs in Hahvahd Yahd | (176) |
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Man wins "who's the better parent" argument by pepper-spraying the baby | (80) |
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If you were wondering when the Messiah would return to Earth, he's already here, heading up a doomsday cult in northeastern N.M., with a website and everything. When will the world end? Oct 31, 2007 | (221) |
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Old & busted: Undiscovered talent on American Idol. New hotness: Undiscovered talent in the NYC subway system. Please note, panhandling is not much of a talent | (56) |
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Mr. Gay UK walks into a kebab shop and says "I am the murderer, call the police." Then it gets weird | (58) |
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Let's hear it for literal interpretations of Internet memes. LGT inspiration | (92) |
| (Schenectady Gazette) | |
Police break down convent door for robbery report; find startled nuns but no robbery. City agrees to pay nuns $1,250, say a hundred Hail Marys | (22) |
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Pittsburgh Fark Party TONIGHT. Church Brew Works starting at 6pm | (51) |
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Sea kayaker intends to catch his own food, burn driftwood for warmth and power equipment using a solar panel during an expedition. Expected home next week, hungry, cold and crying after a call to the emergency services | (117) |
| (Watertown TAB) | |
Trial postponed at the last minute after defendant complains that she is the only member of the Massachusetts Governor's Council charged with assault with a curling iron, and that's not fair | (15) |
| (3TV) | |
Man admits to committing a series of auto thefts for the "thrill." If only there was some mass-marketed, media-trumpeted video game available in stores now that would have sated his grand theft desires | (86) |
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Japanese civil servant averaged more than 2,500 porn site visits a day for nine months before finally being caught (link includes small unrelated pic of guy's bare butt) | (81) |
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In the first of what is sure to become common in the coming years, a judge arraigned a man in a pickup truck in the courthouse parking lot because he was too fat to walk inside the courthouse | (52) |
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Car passenger recorded "mooning" speed camera. Police assking questions, promise to get to the bottom of situation (with small, blurryish butt photo) | (67) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Caption this proud American |