Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-04-20 23:59:59'

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Sun April 20, 2008

(Vermont Sunday Magazine)	Atheist church? It's more likely than you think	(55)
	The Christian Science Monitor suggests ten things you can do if your flight is canceled	(80)
	If you're planning on blowing up your high school it isn't the most cunning plan to have 10 pounds of ammonium nitrate Fed Ex'd to your house	(144)
	31 people shot this weekend in Bagh,... wait, Chicago?	(266)
	Not News: road-raging man waves gun at another driver. Fark: accidentally shoots himself	(40)
(Triple kickflip varial)	British author and comedian Tony Hawks receives a lot of email intended for the skateboarder, douchebaggery ensues	(83)
	Eco-friendly funeral proponents claim they're mulch better for environment, keep water tables formaldehyde-free, produce great worms for fish bait	(51)
	U.S. deserters seek Canadian residency, future Presidency	(199)
	Chelsea Clinton mobbed for pictures during gay pub crawl in Philly, one girl brags "I grabbed her ass"	(105)
	Man tries to steal statue of Yellow Peanut M&M. Reportedly was going to hold it for ransom until the Noid and King Vitamin are released from detention	(31)
	Kids as young as 5 are fighting each other in kickboxing clubs. £10 on the littlest one, 3 to 1 odds	(58)
	Photoshop a logo for the "new" Northwest/Delta Airlines	(39)
	Man jumps with a bungee cord he made out of condoms. "It was difficult as the condoms are slippery."	(37)
	Fenster found	(75)
(Some Guy)	School district thinks it's a good idea to randomly test teen cheerleaders, debate members, and kids on the speech team for drugs. "We want to give these kids another opportunity to 'just say no'"	(364)
(Some Guy)	More and more women are taking vacations and leaving their men behind to enjoy watching sports and drinking beer in their underwear all by their lonesome selves	(143)
	Female journalist explores why men don't do household chores: "In my experience, husbands are a lot like children."	(587)
	Guy spends five years building yacht in backyard, knowing that there's no way to get it out. All hail the failboat	(166)
(Some Q)	London museum opens display of James Bond & Ian Fleming memorabilia, including such deadly weapons as Rosa Klebb's shoe, Fleming's .357 revolver and Halle Berry's bikini	(65)
(CVG)	Inmate who tried to sue Michael Vick for "$63,000,000,000 billion dollars" has a new target. Grand Theft Auto IV	(137)
	Police officer fails to master the basic skill of not falling asleep on duty. Also needs a little work on the "don't get high and break into cars" aspect of his job	(16)
(Beertown)	2008 World Beer Cup results. Old Milwaukee Light for the win	(178)
(Some Cuckoo)	Photoshop these dangly things	(34)
	Former UK deputy PM admits bulimia problem. With picture proving that he's doing it wrong	(67)
	Prince William in trouble for performing cunning stunt for his stunning… girlfriend	(148)
	Porn pastor brings Jesus to Exxxotica	(100)
(KMXB CBS-12)	Car engine's air intake not the best place to put bag of pot	(66)
	If you could go back to being 20, what characteristic or belief would you instill in yourself to make your life better?	(678)
	Nanny State cracks down on yet another dangerous enemy of the people: bagpipers	(100)
(Hawaii Volcano Observatory)	Caption this Hawaiian Geologic Advancement Enforcement Officer	(73)
	Ecuadorian nightclub takes page out of Great White playbook: indoor fireworks, padlocked doors, and numerous deaths due to fire and smoke inhalation	(33)
	Not news: Criminal has 7-year history of assault and robbery. News: He escaped from custody 10 times in the last year. Fark: Dude, he's 12	(75)
(Bangkok)	140 funeral guests rushed to hospital after eating puffer fish balls	(76)
(Send more cops)	Zombie wanted in crocodile brain theft	(20)
(Some Guy)	Richard Branson is going to marry a couple in outer space. Maybe men really are from Mars	(37)
(Federal Way Mirror)	Actual headline: "Two women report ghost has been having sex with them"	(110)
(Some Ophioscorodon Guy)	Photoshop these garlic cloves	(36)
	The drunk asleep in the men's room / Taxman, Mr. Yada / Punching the guy who wakes him up / Taxman, you're on Fark	(10)
	"What are you in for?" "Murder." "What are you in for?" "Rape." "What are you in for?" "I tried to stop my bank from repossessing my home."	(101)
	Sydney morgue forced to buy forklift to deal with McDonalds generation	(62)
	Deep thinkers see how things will be in 2058. Oddly, flying car not on list	(145)
(The Whig)	When police ask how much he's had to drink, trucker responds "a shiatload."	(37)
	Danica does it, is first female to win in Indy car competition	(354)

Sat April 19, 2008

	Slate plays "six degrees of Adolf Hitler" with the presidential candidates. Godwinner, at two degrees: Hitlary	(220)
	Badly botched bee burglary bungled by bellicose bees bludgeoning would-bee bandit	(46)
(Science Daily)	Interpreters for the Deaf at higher risk of injury than assembly line workers. GARRETT MORRIS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT	(86)
(The Orange County Register)	Man who breaks into adult store can't open cash register, settles for $250 rubberized replica of Jenna Jameson's lower half	(73)
	BJ's Sausage explodes all over the face of small Saskatchewan town	(64)
	Chicago area funeral homes refuse to bury teenage boy for fear of gang retaliation	(64)
	Statistics show some truthiness to the Colbert Bump	(64)
	Man spends 50 years in jail for killing his father, only to discover after release that his father is still alive	(82)
(Some Stoner)	"Dumb Doper Award" given to guy who brought two bags of weed to his parole meeting	(92)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this free-falling lovely	(62)
(Some Guy)	In an effort to avoid foreclosure, couple decides to raffle off home for $100 a ticket. State claims that this is a violation of the "Bank Bingo and Mortgage Pinball Act of 1829"	(49)
	Not news: $260,000 Aston Martin demolished during James Bond shooting. Fark: By a technician who ran it off the road into a lake while driving to the set	(82)
	8th grader charged with felony after putting crumbled peanut butter cookies in another kid's lunchbox	(338)
	City of Needles, California to the rest of country: We're tired of all the Peanuts jokes, we're moving to Nevada	(88)
	Apparently, the death penalty in Great Britian is DIY. With "WTF is that thing on his head?" pic	(74)
(Some Guy)	RI hospital sued over advertising campaign. Fark: from 1912	(66)
	Most seductive woman ever has Halle Berry’s eyes, Jennifer Lopez’s nose, Kelly Brook’s hair and body, Angelina Jolie’s pout and wears Marilyn Monroe’s white dress. Or any live woman after two bottles of scotch	(593)
	Cop who lead investigation and is scheduled to testify against Pirate Bay turns out to have taken a job with Warner Brothers in the meantime	(70)
	Global warming helps Scottish ski resorts to best season in a generation. In related news, there are apparently Scottish ski resorts	(158)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this beautiful bacteria	(50)
	Research debunks the "grumpy old person" stereotype, shows that as we age we get happier. Maybe because those damn kids finally are staying of our damn lawns	(88)
	Female army MP has sex with her boyfriend in barracks bar. Surprisingly, someone had a problem with this. The Sun is there... and how	(123)
	Fark: Hoax runner fools Australian crowds with a homemade Olympic torch topped by flaming underpants. Not News: In 1956	(24)
(Duluth News Tribune)	“I’m too ornery to die” says 83 year old fisherman after surviving 35 minutes in icy river. But he has also survived two triple-bypass heart surgeries and six heart attacks. Fark: heart attack #6 was while he was in the river	(54)
	Children are more than twice as likely to be injured falling out of bed as they are tumbling out of a tree because they can't get their fat little carcasses away from the Xbox	(65)
	Chicago Police tout that shootings are down in 2008, just before about 20 people are shot in a 12-hour period across city. Awkward	(129)
	More middle aged men are quitting their jobs and becoming priests	(75)
	Companies cash in by "greenwashing" consumers with products labeled with vague pro-environmental buzzwords	(154)
(Weekly Standard)	"The effect is of being strapped to an armchair and dropped backwards off a balcony onto a patio."	(48)
	Um... if a space capsule landed in your yard, the Russian Space Agency would really like it back	(50)
(SunJournal.com)	Six months ago a Maine school decided to give birth control to any student that asked, even as young as 11. So far, one student has asked	(79)
	Hypnotherapist had an 83-minute operation on his arm with no anaesthetic	(70)
(Some Guy)	Man's pants set on fire by Taser, Foobies links	(25)
	When asked if Obama's dirt-off-your-shoulder move was directly referencing Jay-Z, Obama spokesperson says, "Well, Barack does have Jay-Z on his iPod"	(918)
	Accountant who stole £70,000 has been ordered by a judge to repay the money by selling his huge stamp collection on eBay. A+++++ would let swindle again	(22)
	Seaman spurts from train platform to rescue man in throes of seizure, within seconds of coming train. Penis	(45)
	Today's cats are coming with fancy new options, such as fire-retardant and stain-proof coats. Insta-captioning ability won't be available until Caturday 2009	(445)
	Having solved all other problems, a train company has announced it will ban passengers for life who repeatedly put their feet on the seats	(28)
(Some Guy)	You might not be ready for your fourth marriage if your ex-husbands include a man who eloped with your own mom, a bigamist and a pal who stood in for your fiance when he jilted you the night before the wedding. And you're only 24	(103)
	Man hassled by authorities for not having a "camera license". Was it in (a) 1968 Soviet Union, (b) 1988 North Korea, or (c) 2008 Great Britain?	(99)
(Portland Mercury)	College: $40,000. Passing the bar: $30,000. Knowing the specific statute that gives you authority to issue a police officer a parking ticket: priceless	(259)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this blissful bore	(48)
	President Bush to appear on "Deal or No Deal". Contestants refuse to choose the briefcase he's holding	(111)
	Last week, the island of Sark, the last feudal state in Europe, approved law reforms leading to universal suffrage. It's not news, it's Sark.com	(86)
(Cambridge Chronicle)	Someone's stealing every brass fountain from the city of Cambridge. Presumably, to melt them down into even bigger balls	(18)
	A wonderful bird is the pelican, a bird strike just brought on pure mayhem. Now I know just how the helican	(36)
(Some Guy)	Bad News: wife sues you for child support. Worse News: She wins. Fark: for a baby that never existed	(121)
	More than 50 girls succumb to hysteria. Pyromania not as popular	(129)

Fri April 18, 2008

	Motorcyclist achieves record speed of "absolute insanity" according to Oregon State Police; Cool, Scary, or Dumbass?	(210)
	Kennedy Space Center worker finds Bahamian girl's message in a bottle. Lucky girl and her school are getting a package of space memorabilia in return	(50)
	Giant-ass mystery rodent found on road near Milwaukie, Oregon - with giant-ass cuddly rodent picture	(95)
	When a couple of people have just robbed you, calling the cops is generally the right thing to do. However, this does not apply if you were trying to sell them heroin beforehand	(17)
	TSG's weekly mugshot roundup. #1 is hot. The rest, you'll have to see to believe	(212)
	Photoshop your favorite celebrity as a clown. LGT inspiration	(91)
	Alaska Governor Palin has a boy. That means "gave birth to". She's a governor, not a teacher	(66)
(Chattanoogan)	Judge Moon says neglectful parents may need to go to jail. M-O-O-N, that spells jail	(79)
(Some Guy)	Florida woman learns not to take safety for granite	(78)
	Lead? In my Astro-turf? It's more likely than you think	(47)
	"NY police on Pope watch snatch river beaver"	(56)
	Recipe: Bacon Chocolate-Chip Cookies With Maple-Cinnamon Glaze	(106)
	Hundreds of bikini-clad women descend on South Beach to try and set a new world record (with pictures and video)	(107)
	Memphis Farkers, Shall we have a Fark Party Tonight? Say Hueys Midtown, sans 9 PM?	(71)
(Charleston.net)	At Camp Winnechasapasooki your kids will enjoy the following activities: baseball, canoeing, wacky choking game, tree climbing, carving	(57)
(Some Florida Farker)	Not news: Man no longer allowed to carry his firearm after his wife files domestic violence complaint. Straight to Fark: It's the Chief of Police	(61)
	$10,000 for a child's birthday party? Back in submitter's day it was a carton of cigarettes and a "Hey, smoke up, Johnny"	(162)
	Content with Florida ranking 48th in edumacation, State legislature moves to cut teacher merit pay	(48)
	If you paste a kid's picture onto a porn mag, you're still a pedophile	(305)
(Brooklyn Paper)	Adult film stars proclaim Brooklyn, NY as the country's porn capital based on subscriptions to porn websites. In other news, Brooklynites haven't figured out how to get teh boobies for free	(223)
(Commercial Appeal)	Joke-packed obituary about a woman referred to as "the whore of Babylon...{and later}...became the Blessed Madonna."	(54)
	Something really DOES smell rotten in Denmark	(62)
	Chrysler recalls Sebrings, Avengers, times when their cars didn't suck	(310)
	Oldest woman in the world Edna Parker from Shelbyville, IL turns 115 today. Charles Montgomery Burns of Springfield calls shenanigans	(97)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this $140,000 KEF speaker system	(68)
(KMBC)	Missouri shows it's grammatical prowess. By omitting a crucial hyphen from there new license plate's	(201)
	Reporter shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that tobacco company is leading campaign to stop tax increases on cigarettes	(65)
	Actual headline: Weight Watchers demonstrator accused of shoplifting cupcakes at Port St. Lucie Publix (mug included)	(129)
	Army of rats cause famine scare in Indian state. If only there was an abundance of a small meaty animals that could be roasted and then eaten	(150)
(Yale Daily News)	In an attempt to further extend her 15 minutes of fame, student now denies Yale's claim that her multiple-abortion "art project" was a hoax	(468)
	Some sports teams are named after animals. Others are named after themes of local interest. Then there's the Indian Premier Cricket League, where teams are named after brands of liquor, or talking cars	(57)
	AT&T says the tubes of the intarwebs will be clogged with lolcats by 2010. EVERYBODY PANIC	(254)
	Pope criticizes US for undermining UN, is promptly labeled a fanatical religious leader and sent to Gitmo	(263)
	Gary Busey evicted from his Malibu home. Landlord handed him the eviction notice and then ran far, far away, really fast	(144)
(Some Guy)	Robert E. Lee caught in Sears store peeping on patrons from his 'masturbatorium'	(275)
	Boston Globe searches for the answers as to why Kenyans have won the Boston Marathon each year since 1986	(161)
	Texas Rangers arrest Colorado woman with history of pretending to be a victimized girl in connection with phone call sparking polygamist sect raid that seized over 400 children. Oops, mulligan?	(362)
	Confidential Freedom Tower plans found in garbage can by homeless man. Good job, guys	(220)
	Apparently, words like "RickRoll" and "UGC" are all part of a language called Nerdic, which means that technically, we're all bilingual	(153)
	As it turns out, the man who thought his dog was an impostor was right	(109)
	Florida reacts to threat of increased hurricane threats this year by cancelling its "hurricane supply tax free holiday". Subby torn between asinine, dumbass, and ironic tags. Uses the one that sums up them all	(75)
	ABC runs an in-depth article on "sneeze fetishists". It's not news, it's ABC	(155)
	Putin denies divorcing his wife in order to marry the hot, young, flexible gymnast. "I love my wife. That gymnast is not my type... her knees are too sharp."	(134)
	ACLU to Indiana, "you can't reference God on a license plate for free". Judge to ACLU, "Suck it"	(1252)
	Pope Benedict XVI arrives in New York City, asked to pay an $8 toll after stepping off the plane	(237)
(Greenfield Recorder)	Woman orders boyfriend to stop on Interstate and lasso an emu. "That bird kicked my ass"	(99)
(Some Exoplanet Tools)	Photoshop these people with this thing	(77)
	Blackjack is a mystery cat, he's called the hidden paw / for he's the master criminal who can defy the law / He lives on the Olympic site, the building teams despair / For when they reach the trap they've set, Blackjack is not there	(87)
	School in an English town that was the last to hang witches in 1593, decides "hey maybe we should do something about our witch logo"	(91)
	Unarmed robbery victim charged with armed robbery after demanding his money back	(55)
(Dog Magazine)	Impaled Scottish dog named Survivor of the Year. And for the last time, it's spelled "steak"	(29)
	Seattle mayor suggests secession from rest of the state, cites war of Eastern aggression	(389)
	Mayor uses auto-dialer to inform constituents his cat is missing, ends up finding it in the wall of his house	(40)
(Nation News)	Church preaches love and tolerance, but at least a few people are coming to buy groceries at below-market prices	(51)
(Silicon Alley Insider)	The New York Times finally discovers how to sell media: sex, porn, viagra, divorce, YouTube, and SEO	(18)
	Staff caught beTwix rock and hard candy at Honda's UK factory Flake out after being banned from eating biscuit-based chocolates. Submitter Revels, Snickers at Nutrageous situation	(41)
	Like 1985 season of "Dallas," chef's drunken murder of gay homeless man was all a dream, costing taxpayers £12,000 after 359 hours of investigation. "He accepts that he had been drinking significantly."	(21)
	Learner bus driver turned a double-decker into an open-top (w/pic). Bus-Hitting-Overpass trifecta in play	(39)
	You awaken after a night of heavy drinking to find your clothes missing and some old guy with his false teeth in his pocket and his head in your lap. You have a hammer. Option C ensues	(95)
(Coventry Telegraph)	Once you're convicted of driving 145mph on a two-lane road, don't ask the judge to delay jail time until after your upcoming Malaysian vacation	(25)
	"It's easy to screw a platypus". Translation: "Perhaps you should think about new counsel for your murder trial"	(37)
(Some Guy)	You've just gotten in a car crash while on your cell phone. Do you: a) exchange insurance info with the other driver b) call your lawyer c) inject heroin into your arm using a seat belt as a tourniquet?	(26)
(USGS)	Magnitude 5.4 earthquake strikes 127 miles east of St. Louis, felt in several states	(763)
	Man gets so drunk with his co-worker he fails to notice the six-inch blade his friend stuck in his back. "We got drunk together. Things happen when you drink."	(22)
(Some Guy)	Beating a man to death over a bag of pistachios... that's just nuts	(41)
	More and more British are deciding the "fry up" breakfast -- consisting of eggs, bacon, sausage, fried potatoes, baked beans, tomatoes, and other assorted crap -- is not that smart after all	(244)
(L.A. Daily News)	End Times begin in Los Angeles; dogs and sheep living together, mass hysteria	(24)
	Yale student's claim she had multiple abortions for art project actually a hoax intended to be "performance art"	(246)
	Canadian Supreme Court tosses the "two beer" defense on its ass. Chewbacca defense still OK	(36)
	America-hating terrorist Barack Hussein Obama caught flipping the bird. It's not news, it's the Los Angeles Times	(372)
	Bermuda residents haver their shorts in a knot over government proposal to scrap Queen of England's birthday as a national holiday (w/ pic of Queen vowing vengeance)	(58)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this caveman	(59)
	Perth Stock Exchange in Australia under seige by armed man	(145)
(Some Guy)	Newspaper wants to know what Vladimir Putin sees in a nubile 24-year-old rhythmic gymnast that he doesn't see in his wife	(145)
	America's top most lustful cities. Let's hear it for the city where everyone is a member of the mile-high club	(132)

Thu April 17, 2008

	Having solved all other security issues, Iraqi police begin to enforce seat belt laws. Yes, seat belt laws	(81)
	Mythical 'magic sword' giant turtle turns up for real in Vietnam, just down the road from the factory where four other weapons-wielding turtles are drawn for pennies a year	(64)
	Romanian well-digger unable to stop himself at 6,441 profane phone calls to emergency services	(27)
	Woman pins two thieves to ground until police arrive. Includes pic just begging for a Fark caption	(150)
(Business & Media Institute)	Time Magazine photoshops famous Iwo Jima photo to replace US flag with a tree. Unhappy Iwo Jima vet says "we'll stick a dadgum tree up somebody's rear"	(284)
	Not news: woman gets restraining order against male roommate. News: Cops serving order find white powdery lines in man's room. Fark: she laid out the lines of baby powder in his room in anticipation of the cops' visit	(71)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop the Burj Al Arab hotel	(67)
	One of these quadruplets ain't like the others / One of these quadruplets doesn't belong	(111)
	Florida Senate debates then passes an amendment to impose a $60 fine on Truck Nutz	(222)
	College newspaper issues correction to slight factual error: Apparently the Dalai Lama did not, in fact, have sex with hundreds of men, nor does he have AIDS. Whoops	(85)
	"Hey Matt, what did you do on your honeymoon?" "I put my wife in a cage and shot at her feet." "Well... that explains the $5 million bond"	(102)
	Police find a ton of pot hidden in a inflatable slide. Take a ride on the Fun Slide	(60)
	Venezuela stops having a cow, man	(38)
(Some Guy)	Sheriff sentenced to 467 years in prison for running wet T-shirt contest in prison. Personal accountability surrenders	(194)
(Shaken and stirred)	Mom with world-class Breathalyzer results can't get story straight; tells cops she pounded a bottle of wine during the day, tells judge it was cocktails at night. Numbers indicate all of the above	(30)
	Fark's favorite state finally got around to banning bestiality	(140)
(volunteertv.com)	Two East Tennessee men arrested after a stabbing over who's paying for gas	(50)
	Whatever happened to good old-fashioned dog names, names that weren't people names? Slowest news day at ESPN. Ever	(250)
	Yale art major artificially inseminates herself multiple times so she can induce miscarriages in the name of “art”	(1389)
(Geekology)	Inform the Nobel prize committee, the greatest invention of this decade is here and it is full of awesome	(77)
	"The skirt is really, really short. So, if you have to wear panties underneath you know it's too short"	(505)
	Topless woman tells cops that God told her to direct traffic	(78)
	Today's "teacher-student sex scandal" story brought to you by Raleigh, NC (with "Hit or No Hit?" mugshot)	(167)
	Taking vitamins can shorten your life. Ten million strong and dying	(85)
(Silicon Alley Insider)	Dallas woman sues Blockbuster for telling Facebook's Beacon (and all her friends) she rented "Debbie Does Dallas"	(116)
(Some English Writer)	Here's how to be happy, 1820s style. BONUS: These suggestions will work today	(109)
	Fark's sales guy, Mike F, interviews "The Dude"	(78)
(Some Guy)	Virginia newspaper thrilled that one of town's students has made it to National Geographic's nationwide geography bee. According to them, "champions from 52 states" will be taking part	(131)
	Wish a happy 50th _______ to Mad Libs today	(150)
	Unemployed fraudster attempted to sell London’s famous Ritz Hotel to a businessman for £250m	(31)
	First, they came for the courthouse painting of Jesus Christ. When they come for the daily $3.99 pasta special in the courthouse cafeteria, will it be too late? Ramen	(216)
	FBI investigating Boston Fire Department after 60 percent of the retirees between '05-'07 left on tax-free disability pensions. Many of them were "injured" while playing "Chief for a Day," doubling their pensions	(269)
	Know those annoying people who won't get the hell off their cell phones on the bus or the elevator? Well, here's a new wrinkle on that involving robbing banks	(107)
	Doctor -- answering an emergency call for a suspected heart attack in church -- arrives to discover it's his mother-in-law. Saves her life anyway	(47)
	"The Ten Commandments" meets "The Godfather"	(272)
	♫ Here's the story, of an ugly lawyer, who was fapping at a mighty ugly judge. ♫	(61)
	Putin secretly divorces his wife and marries Russia's sexiest athlete, Alina Kabaeva	(263)
	If you're trying to arrange a drug buy via text message, for God's sake, know whom you're texting	(93)
	Jury strangely rejects that it was necessary to behead and burn your "attacker" after stabbing him to death in order to defend yourself	(105)
	A dog on a skateboard. No, not her, a real dog. The Sun is there	(33)
	Bus carrying girl's softball team doesn't quite make it through overpass (with "someone's getting fired" pic)	(132)
(Business & Media Institute)	Worried about your car suddenly accelerting and exploding when you find a finger in your Wendy's chili? Nine media myths that scared the nation. Breast implants	(189)
	UK government is scared to death that British Telecom is going to disclose their midget tranny porn browsing habits	(13)
(KCRA Sacramento)	Attention Wal-Mart shoppers: Would the parolee who just left his nine baggies of meth on the counter please report back -- we have your empty baggies	(27)
	Singer Akon exposed on The Smoking Gun... not such a convict after all	(136)
	Babysitter plays drinking game with 12-year-old. No word as to whether being "nearly killed" actually just meant "couldn't hang"	(47)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these colorful balloons	(55)
(La Crosse Tribune)	Thirteen-year-old's science project on water torture draws the attention of local media, bullies in bathrooms	(39)
(Minnesota Daily)	Reviewer slams Bob Saget, complaining that the "wholesome clean-freak dad is now an edgy and inappropriate bastion of bad taste." Bob Saget trifecta now in play	(169)
	Federal judge rules that the government has the right to tell you to not be fat	(288)
	An open letter to Charlie Gibson and George Stephanapoulos, by Will Bunch. "You disgraced my profession of journalism, and, by association, me and a lot of hard-working colleagues who do still try to ferret out the truth"	(672)
	College students arrested for trying to kidnap a gator with a big leaf and tape	(40)
	Verily I say unto you: Thou Shalt Not Question the Holy Global Warming, and unto ye who break this commandment I send the scourge of my terrible Wikipedia Zealots	(601)
(Some Guy)	Today's headline that was made for Fark: "Johnson City man unharmed by exploding toilet"	(74)
(Earthtimes)	Germans erect giant statue of man who just happens to be mooning Hitler's birthplace	(107)
	To fight eCards, Hallmark releases $6 cards that can record up to a 10-second voice message. Which is more than long enough to say, "I'm a moron who paid $6 for a piece of flimsy cardboard and a voicemail"	(91)
	Not news: Teacher looking at porn on the Internet at work. Fark: He claims he did it so the kids couldn't. SuperFark: He's asking for $9 million	(95)
	Cheeky Wiki vandals discover quaint hamlet of Denshaw. Sheep-hurling, cow-shooting hilarity ensues	(25)
(DenOfGeek)	Saws 2-4 director: "I’m sick of seeing the same movies. I’m sick of seeing cookie-cutter, manufactured movies”	(156)
	Landlord fails to see that having ghosts in his pub can actually be good for business	(59)
	In its May 27th Democratic primary, Idaho voters will be able to choose between Obama, Clinton and Judd -- a federal prisoner who filled out a form and paid the required $1,000 to be on the ballot. Secretary of State: "We got conned"	(139)
(KOTV)	Asking for a refund after waiting an hour at McDonald's drive-thru for your meal? That's a shootin'	(147)
	Not one person died of an airline accident in 2007. It's an entirely different kind of flying, altogether	(131)
	Atlanta's reward for conserving water... a 15 percent increase in usage rates	(108)
	Level 4 shopkeeper armed with a long pole fights off a level 3 thief armed with a crossbow	(84)
	Survey: Mexicans paid $2.58 billion in bribes last year	(77)
	New website adds a new twist to online dating, by matching lawyers with potential litigants. It's SueEasy	(20)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this levitating planet	(64)
	Thirty-three percent of South Korean military cadets surveyed think their main enemy is North Korea; 34 percent think it's the U.S. Of course, it's the liberals' fault	(237)
(Huffington Post)	The consensus is in: ABC just organized the worst, most pathetic, most embarrassing debate in the history of modern journalism	(739)
	God saved me, says river trip survivor. The other seven slipped through His fingers	(222)
	French "aghast" that their language is surrendering to English. Americans too busy watching everything get translated into Spanish to gloat	(170)
	Woman doesn't know what upsets her more -- that vandals defaced her car with spray paint, or the fact that they can't use punctuation properly (pic)	(104)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 154: “Glass." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(231)

Wed April 16, 2008

	Tanker truck driver arrested for selling gasoline out of his truck for 2 bucks a gallon. And so it begins	(106)
	Drunk mom goes on drunken rampage after pre-school refuses to release daughter (with mugshot goodness)	(130)
	High School drama department in trouble for performing "Vagina Monologues", can't get through first act without snickers and some guy in the back yelling PENIS	(170)
	Families given wrong dogs when they pick theirs up at the kennel. Neither party notice for weeks because both dogs want steak	(53)
	Edward Lorenz, father of chaos theory, dead at age 90. A butterfly must have flapped its wings somewhere	(78)
(The Star Online)	Dog's barking brings rescue crew to drowning woman. It was only when rescued that her faithful dog left her side and swam to safety. Your dog wants.... nevermind, I've got something in my eye	(156)
	Romanian man rears lion in garden until neighbors complain about the roaring	(39)
(Some Guy)	Okay, we know the stork delivers baby humans so what delivers baby storks? Ugly assed saddle-billed stork hatched at the Toledo Zoo. W/ pic of said ugly assed baby stork	(26)
	Neighbors top fake crime scene prank by planting 3,000 forks in their neighbor's lawn. It's not news, it's the AP	(62)
	TFer is having dinner and actor John Lithgow is right behind me at the bar. Gimme something funny to say to him (VE)	(281)
	Slate's William Saletan asks, "Is incest natural?" Presumably after slow-dancing with a hot cousin at a wedding	(188)
(KTAR)	Teens look for instant fame on YouTube by trying to make a Mitsubishi Eclipse fly. You can see where this is headed	(116)
	Democratic debate thread, 8:00 p.m. Eastern. Take a drink every time Obama acts elitist or Hillary ducks sniper fire (LGT live webcast)	(1999)
	Student who asked John McCain during appearance on MSNBC's Hardball to "join him for a shot" was the son of FOX News anchor Steve Doocy. CNN kids reportedly feelin' left out	(143)
	Martha Stewart's dog, Paw Paw, has died. Will be gutted, stuffed with potpourri and used as a coffee-table conversation piece	(100)
	Photoshop: Wits End	(84)
	Man caves. It's not news, it's CNN	(373)
	Marijuana is not one of the 11 herbs and spices in the Colonel's "secret recipe"	(195)
	Virginia Tech, one year later	(316)
	We've replaced a regular Ahmadinejad thread with a 9/11 denier thread -- let's see if anyone notices	(217)
	Man hopes to shake off charges that he murdered his girlfriend by saying he did it while having an epileptic seizure	(125)
	Kentucky says that you can drink its whiskey all you want, but it draws the line at vaporizing it	(225)
	Man's new hobby: Hunting down new brides and making obscene calls to them after their wedding photographs appear in local newspapers	(114)
	Today's media-generated political outrage: Offended PA voter in Clinton commercial not actually a PA voter	(325)
	Teacher's compensation claim for disability discrimination is rejected because baldness is not a disability	(116)
(Drinking Farkette)	Reminder: Dallas Fark cheap-beer gathering tonight at 6:00. LGT location	(142)
	San Diego City Council candidate mailed a campaign brochure referencing his penis and disputing the two-shake rule	(104)
(AZ)	Azerbaijanis upset after finding out the double meaning behind the name of the new English-style pub in their capital of Baku: "The Camel's Toe". With pub sign pic goodness	(233)
	Man catches shark off the side of a Florida Keys highway causing major traffic jams and other assorted stupidity. But it was a lemon, so he sent it back	(63)
(Exploding Unicorn)	Reporter's goodbye article: "In terms of the raw altruism required, working for a newspaper is kind of like doing a stint in the Peace Corps, only the hours are worse and everybody hates you"	(92)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this freefly scene	(66)
(Some Guy)	The Marilyn Monroe sex tape was a hoax. As usual no one in MSM bothered to do any fact checking, got too excited at the prospect of talking about boobs on air	(186)
	It's still April, but the Mets have already begun their descent	(65)
	Villagers depicted in an advertisement for Guinness whooping with joy as a pint appears in their remote Remote Andean town depicted in expensive Guinness advertisement had never heard of the brand, actually prefer lager. (Edittor ist drunk)	(119)
	Do not touch the liquid hot magma. It can burn you	(114)
	Thief steals rare coins during break-in, then attempts to deposit them at bank, where the guy he stole them from works as a teller. Awkward	(31)
(Some Gal)	Police called to motel because guest "made claims that a midget was hiding in the curtains of his room trying to steal his money"	(66)
	If there's one group of people you really don't want to shortchange, it's contract killers	(42)
(Some Guy)	Tehran's police chief, charged with rooting out vice, discovered in a brothel. Claims the Grail-shaped beacon led him there	(84)
	If you're going to produce a nude MILF calendar for charity, make sure you have actual MILFs. Emphasis on the ILF, not the M	(482)
	When you are drunk, speeding, in possession of drugs and have already been banned from driving 14 times, don't get in the way of a police car	(25)
	Every box of Thin Mints you enjoy helps destroy an orangutan's habitat. Mmmmmm, taste the minty destruction	(131)
	Sensing a huge untapped market on the heels of "Guitar Hero," video-game maker creates "Conductor Hero." Because the only thing cooler than playing fake guitar is pretending to conduct an orchestra	(201)
(Some Guy)	Nashville, TN councilman proposes bill to exclude "beer cabarets" from sexually oriented business ordinances as long as genitals aren't "discernibly turgid"	(69)
	Surgeons can now remove your appendix through your mouth. In related story, dentists announce that they can perform root canals through your ass	(77)
	Man celebrates his discharge from hospital by stealing an ambulance and leading police officers on a 100 mph car chase	(18)
	Boston realizes that naming every other street "Washington Street" can have a negative effect on police response time	(136)
	Move over, Burj Dubai: Planet’s highest building will be two miles tall	(262)
(Some Guy)	Man refuses to pay the Trolls at Delaware Memorial Bridge. The Trolls are not amused, fine him $30,000	(87)
	Surprising absolutely no one, Harry Potter fan cries like a pansy while testifying during plagiarism trial	(206)
(SunJournal.com)	Woman sets up a flag maze on the floor of a student center to see who would walk around, or on top of, the flags. Hilarity ensues	(209)
	First clue to police that your story about your girlfriend who was killed during a botched robbery is a fake: Witnesses hear you yelling at the gunman to shoot you too to make it look good	(34)
	You win the lottery. Do you: A) Party? B) Call a financial planner? Or C) Use a marker to draw a goatee on your face to stay incognito, despite giving out your name, before a press conference to announce your good fortune?	(90)
(GMANews)	Surgery 101: How do you remove a perfume canister stuck inside a man's ass? You do it while laughing boisterously, videotaping it, and uploading it later on YouTube	(143)
(Some Guy)	If you must rob a home, make sure it's not one owned by a world-ranked kickboxer first	(69)
(Daily Record)	Bad: You fall 25 feet down a lift shaft. Good: Your fall is broken by something soft. Bad: It's the unconscious body of the woman who fell down the same shaft the day before	(80)
(Some Guy)	Two men attempt to rob a bank armed with a carpenter's level and a coonskin cap	(25)
	Headline: Husband clings to hood as wife speeds down I-80. "I would categorize this as a very unique case of domestic violence"	(79)
	London police believe that putting clergymen on buses will prevent unruly behaviour from teenagers	(47)
	Plane crashes in Congolese neighborhood, killing dozens of multi-millionaires and stranding their unclaimed fortunes in African bank accounts	(63)
	Here's a first for firefighters -- a call to rescue a teenager stuck in a baby swing	(35)
	Lady, 65, fenders off carjacker, knocking him in the fuzzy dice	(23)
	Caught in a tragic vortex of 80s dance lingo and concrete thinking, man raises the roof of his house with explosives	(28)
(Loss of Limbic)	Photoshop this brain scan of a meth addict	(71)
(The Local.se)	Doctor: "I check their underpants to ensure there is only one penis"	(39)
	Some are not amused by a new t-shirt that reads, "Diana's dead -- so get over it"	(133)
	Hooters girl arrested after spitball fight. How many spitballs? More than a mouthful. (With mugshot goodness)	(101)
	If you have cancer, MS, or other horrific diseases, your copay may increase from $20 to $4000. And no, you may not switch plans till you're up for renewal. Maybe you shouldn't've gotten cancer, hmm?	(201)
(Some Guy)	U-FAIL	(67)
	Guy puts a six-foot alligator in the back seat of his Buick Regal. Then it gets weird	(38)
(Some Guy)	Two months, one teacher, two different sex arrests. In Florida, they try harder. (With "you would do it too" mugshot)	(145)
	Good: Army brings sole surviving brother home after siblings are killed. Bad: And then cut off his benefits for being discharged early. Worse: Including benefits for his pregnant wife	(154)
	Teh editors at The Daily Mail don't know how to spell teh (pic caption)	(48)

Tue April 15, 2008

	Tips on driving in Beijing during Olympics. Tip #1: Don't	(150)
	Commissioner and teacher nabbed in Sears bathroom sex sting. Accused say they were checking out "the harder side of Sears"	(80)
(PhysOrg)	NASA: Apophis asteroid has a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting Earth. 13 year old kid: Not so fast, it's actually 1 in 450 and if it hits a satellite in 2029, we could all die in 2036	(549)
	The latest fear-mongering article from the MSM: plastic bottles could be harming your baby. EVERYBODY PANIC	(86)
	Quebecor CEO argues deregulation will save Canada's TV industry. Yes, that's just what Canada needs -- MORE Ted McGinley	(73)
(KJRH)	Large barges budge bridge. Tugboat tugs boats. OK DoT does tests, dotes it "Ok."	(67)
	"This is Captain Obvious speaking on behalf of American Northwest Continental Southwest Delta United Airlines. I hope you enjoy the two-foot wide seat you paid $1,000 for. We'll be arriving in Cleveland whenever we feel like it."	(136)
(Some Guy)	China follows up its demand for an apology from CNN by saying Nancy Pelosi is "disgusting." Even a broken clock is right twice a day	(184)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop a better prize for this claw machine player	(68)
	Today's must have cute-ass pet is the $400 African pygmy hedgehog, which communicates using spine language and only eats prickled onions (with ugly-ass pic)	(104)
	Boston's MBTA launches subway sexual harassment campaign with sexy slogan "Rub against me and I'll expose you"	(71)
	Just when you thought banks in Florida have been robbed every imaginable way, here comes a woman cloaked in white with a Mountain Dew bottle, smelling of gasoline	(31)
(Kxan.com)	Answering a call in school from your father deployed in Iraq? That's a suspension	(409)
(News & Advance)	Not news: Birds inside a Wal-Mart. News: Store shuts down to hunt them with air rifles. Fark: Cops think it's a hostage situation and barricade the store	(99)
	If you've been turned down for a job recently, how did you cope? If you said vandalism while cross-dressing, you're not alone	(46)
	State pushes 300 percent cigarette tax increase for "health reasons." And, well, yeah, the fact that they're projected to be $3 billion in the red might have something to do with it as well	(253)
	SCOTUS to consider whether the death penalty is appropriate for therapists and if the penis mightier	(301)
	♫ Filling the pews in church today is harder than it's been / Sermons with bread and wine are fine, but that won't bring folks in / Wouldn't you like to get away? / Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♫	(101)
	Jackie Chan has a special message for any protestors planning to try and grab the Olympic torch from him	(328)
	Quebec City, still not thawed out after its worst winter ever, asks its confused residents to please stop watering the snow	(142)
	Victory in our time: Flickr concedes the free doughnut issue. Don't miss out on your chance to partake in sweet, sugary justice	(83)
	Latest in home upgrades: Backyard toxic-waste pits	(30)
	Healthcare system unprepared for aging Boomers, proving once again that this entire generation is creating an unnecessary, unwanted burden on the country	(301)
(Some Gold Rick Roll)	Rick Astley would - (a) never give you up (b) never let you down (c) give away a gold record for a contest	(286)
	Common tater excited as "wheat and rice prices surge." That has got tuber the worst pun ever	(105)
(Pittsburgh Post Gazette)	Meteorite may have destroyed block of buildings in Pittsburgh. Country mourns that the meteor wasn't 100 times bigger and didn't land 300 miles further east	(157)
	Pope vows to bar pedophiles from the church, but says it's going to be hard to have a church with no priests	(306)
	China resents being called a bunch of goons, threatens to ship more poison dog food and toxic toys if CNN doesn't apologize	(152)
(Some Church sign blog)	"Stop, drop, and roll doesn't work in hell," and other fine examples of crummy church signs	(281)
	Israel’s National Infrastructure Minister warns U.S. attack on Iran "not only on the table -- but likely"	(987)
(thedailywtf)	There was a problem with Oklahoma's sexual and violent offender registry. A) Every offender's SSN was available, and B) with a basic knowledge of SQL, anyone could add records	(158)
	American athletes "mixed" on role of protest in Beijing Olympics. Definition of mixed: "I think it's all right if my Olympic glory is overshadowed by people getting shot"	(108)
(MJ Perry)	In real terms, gas prices have gone up a lot slower than the price of a college education	(173)
	Milwaukee police obtain video of grocery store shootout. Includes several people who continue to shop during shootout (with link to video)	(107)
	Tag has been banned. The tag terrorists have won	(280)
	A recent poll about Bush's economic stimulus package, which depends on people spending their tax rebates, shows only 21 percent of respondents plan to spend their rebate	(446)
(Boortz)	It's Tax Day and here's some fun hints on how to fark with your co-workers today	(200)
	Police arrest man, yet all he did was ask the front desk for help to get back into his hotel room. Well, technically he was climbing over the counter, armed and naked, but still	(28)
	BBC journalist says, in the future, he'll never get with a hot sex-bot, no matter how attractive they are because they just won't be philosophical enough for him	(130)
(OregonLive)	Oregon man thinks his dog is an impostor	(87)
	Mounties raid Conservative party headquarters searching for evidence of illegal election spending, Snidely Whiplash	(172)
	If you are going to rob a post office, make sure it's not one owned by members of your own family. They might be able to identify you	(28)
	Man claims that he's "grateful" that his friend shot him while he was being attacked by a crocodile	(37)
	Plumber jailed for crack	(22)
	Photoshop theme: Error messages found in the real world	(125)
(Some Guy)	The top 10 shirts to get arrested in	(119)
	Despite a strong performance by Texas, the U.S. only manages to place fifth in world executions	(217)
	Inferior rivets found to be top suspect in demise of Titanic, followed closely by overbearing weight of treacly love stories	(157)
(Chronicle Telegram)	"Hey let's play Russian Roulette with this gun." "Are all of the bullets out?" "I think so"	(148)
	Satellite locates Iranian missile site. Right next to Iraq's WMDs. Photos also reveal Amelia Erhardt , Al Capone, Jimmy Hoffa, Sasquatch	(303)
	What exactly goes through the mind of someone who decides that the best place for a grenade they've just found is on a fire? Shrapnel, presumably	(52)
	Man doesn't want to draw attention to his £180,000 heirloom violin, casually puts it in the overhead luggage rack on the train, which was very clever up until the point where he got off the train without it	(44)
(Fayetteville Observer)	Salesman who was waterboarded by his boss regrets volunteering for the team-building exercise. "Keep in mind, the last time we did a team-building exercise outside, we did an egg toss"	(107)
	The papal visit will mark the first time the words "Holy Christ" and "Mother Of God" will be spoken inside Washington Nationals' stadium when the team isn't down by five runs	(126)
(China Post)	Housewife believes that her husband is unfaithful. Does she: A) Have him followed? B) Follow him herself? Or C) Chop off his penis while he sleeps? Take your time, and try to ignore that screaming	(122)
(KITV 4)	Bank robber dismayed to find out that he can't rob the bank because he didn't have his ID with him	(22)
	Australian police officers learn important lesson in why suspects should be handcuffed BEHIND their backs before being shoved into vehicles	(31)
	"I'm going to try a canine mind meld, a rare power possessed only by me and three clerks in a pet store in Springfield"	(41)
(Taunton Gazette)	The first rule of Stolen Gun Club is don't shoot yourself in the thigh while arguing with your drunk brother who's slapping his girlfriend while she's trying to drive the car after you've shot out the rear window	(53)
(Some Guy)	Man charged with drilling a hole in wall of golf range bathroom and videotaping customers gets off. Also, his case is dismissed	(49)
(Brownsville Herald)	Back of completed food-stamp application not the best place to write bank hold-up note	(31)
(Some Guy)	Couple trade their truck for crack, then call police to report it stolen. Cunning plan: Not thought through	(21)
(Some Southern Illinois Guy)	Apparently the prize for not bothering to check to see if you're taking the wrong baby home from the hospital is $50,000	(69)
	Finding dead frogs in your foodstuffs is sooo last year. Now consumers expect them to be alive	(34)
	Inmate explains why he attacked a cop right after being released from jail: “I didn’t have any money at all. I needed a gun”	(37)
	Eight out of 10 Arabs have an unfavorable view of the U.S., prefer the taste of Pepsi over Coke	(195)
(Some Guy)	Man loses 140 pounds eating SIX cans of baked beans per day. We'll have to take his word for it as no one can get close enough to weigh him	(70)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fence shadow	(49)
(Stairway Guy)	Madness: Trapped in Elevator Car 30. A man was trapped for 41 hours: Lost his job, apartment and is currently unemployed. The time-lapse elevator video is included	(156)
	When asked how she felt, plane crash survivor Regina Hosley said, "Like I got hit by an airplane"	(29)
	China surpasses the U.S. as the world's top carbon producer, making the problem real to conservatives and no longer interesting to liberals	(148)
	Wal-Mart to begin filming gun sales in an effort to fight crime, because not selling murder weapons in an effort to fight crime makes too much sense	(462)

Mon April 14, 2008

(Some Guy)	Guy steals car left running in driveway, takes it around corner and parks it in another driveway. He goes back to tell the owner he stole it and to follow him to the car. Then it gets weird	(58)
	Jesus has made so many appearances, so why not in a hospital window?	(85)
	Mole man to pay £300,000 in damages caused by 40 years' worth of tunnelling under his London house. No word on the fate of his giant bird seed bell	(65)
(Some Guy)	Church of Scientology to Wikileaks: "take down our secret documents or else." Wikileaks: "In response to your attempted suppression, we will be releasing several thousand additional pages of Scientology material next week"	(603)
	Government tries to solve homelessness crisis by spending equivalent of year's wages on hiring expensive consultant to stay in five star hotels and speak at expensive conferences	(31)
	If you've recently lost your leg in Texas, someone found it	(46)
(Some Guy)	Before stuffing a shotgun down your pants, always check to see if it is loaded	(46)
	Delta Air Lines will take over Northwest to become the world's largest distributor of peanuts	(184)
(TVNZ)	World's biggest oil find in 30 years found off the coast of what will soon be the formerly sovereign nation of Brazil	(113)
(Some 'Boy')	U.S. Rep. Geoff Davis (R-KY Jelly) busted saying something in public that he no doubt says in private all the time	(410)
(Some Guy)	Students suspended for drawing up a death wish list with the names of their teacher, their principal, and the creator of Barney the cartoon character	(82)
	Israeli Secret Service refuses to assist U.S. Secret Service in protecting Jimmy Carter. Carter won't be taken hostage by Hamas anyway, since they can't afford to pay the U.S. enough to take him back	(443)
	MSNBC seeks to add credibility to their "news" story by including a painting of a wolf in a fastfood worker's uniform	(109)
(جمال)	Photoshop this pre-flight tank inspection	(54)
	How did Ticketmaster get 150,000 "friends" on Facebook overnight? Apparently they're all "Canadian girlfriends"	(71)
	Slow news day: Ducklings sometimes ride on their mothers' backs. (With awww pic)	(52)
	Marion Jones gave up her Sydney medals willingly, but if the IOC want her relay teammates' medals, they're just gonna have to catch them first	(54)
	Growing number of universities making students sign contracts agreeing that they won't show up for class dressed like they're homeless	(139)
	"'Girls Gone Wild' president cleared." Well, yeah, but Hillary was still pretty pissed	(58)
	The Big One could hit the San Andreas fault tomorrow. Or sometime in the next 30 years. Just to be safe, EVERYBODY PANIC	(98)
	Bottom crime story of the day: FL robbers tie up victims with shoelaces. Paper looking for "two Hispanic males." In Florida. Also hatless	(23)
	William Shatner on rubberneckers who taunted him after he crashed his motorcycle: "Finally they uttered the ultimate insult, 'Beam me up Scotty,' so I gave them the finger."	(135)
	Carmelo Anthony mug shot	(164)
	Here are nine billion reasons the Feds aren't interested in stopping illegal immigration	(418)
	Enormous "walk-in" colon spotted in Florida (with colon pic goodness)	(159)
(Today's Big Thing)	Fox News finds the best way to report on a St. Patrick's Day parade is to give a microphone to the drunkest person there and let him yell	(195)
	U.S. general says it's not that the Sadr Militia has battled U.S. troops to a standstill in Sadr City. No, we actually PLANNED to stop halfway through an attempt to sweep the neighborhood	(179)
	Eminem, the undisputed authority on black culture, to sing at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday	(191)
(The Sentinel)	Not news: Republican politician accused of rape. Still not news: Accused of raping a man. Fark: Politician's secret videotapes of his weekly encounters with male prostitutes gets him off the hook	(178)
	Who's your favorite TV character currently on the air?	(893)
	Having trouble obtaining three-digit security codes on credit cards, fraudsters resort to calling cardholders directly	(70)
	"I think the problem you have is you punch people in the face, and that is bad"	(85)
	Binge-drinking schoolgirl suffers liver failure at age 14. With before and after-20-years future drinking pic (her mother)	(303)
	Man arrested for squeezing a woman's behind and grinding his pelvis into her backside, which "is a fairly common crime on subways in New York." Stay classy, NYC	(130)
(News4Jax)	A novel idea to balance budget: Plunder state-owned treasure. Arr the booty	(51)
(The Palm Beach Post)	Three storm strip club, shoot dancers with paintballs	(117)
(Some Guy)	Global warming is breaking snow plows in Yellowstone	(250)
	Technicality means Baltimore doesn't officially have a mayor, clerk won't issue documents, his house gets robbed three times and then things get weird	(74)
	Since WMDs, democracy and terrorists are no longer acceptable excuses, we are now in Iraq because of... shakes Magic 8 Ball ...we need to prevent Iran from obtaining nukes. And that's been the reason all along, comrade	(286)
	Part 2 in a series: Huffington Post again explains that since small-town America really does consist of nothing but bigoted, inbred, drooling gun-nut religious whackos, Obama is a hero	(756)
	Shiraz blast declared heady, full of bodies	(126)
	Don't call 911 to inform operators you're going to kill police officers and execute the mayor	(29)
	Suggestion for people who go running after eating pepperoni pizza at every meal for 40 years: Have CPR-trained people around when you drop to the ground on your first lap	(67)
	Israeli PM cites "scheduling problem" to explain not meeting with President Carter, but still finds time to meet with "Prison Break" star Wentworth Miller	(235)
(CSIndy.com)	The only thing scarier than finding some undetonated dynamite on a hike is being dumb enough to take it home and put it in your kitchen. Bonus: Graphic of 5,000-foot oil rig looming over defenseless town	(54)
	The trouble with Heston's autopsy and the most over-done joke on the web	(247)
	"Doctor" Phil backpedals fast, says staff "went beyond our guidelines" after bailing out snowflake accused of beating girl on video, cancels show about topic	(272)
	Iraqi government fires 1300 policemen who refuse role in Pentagon's version of "Bumfights"	(277)
	Whoever's putting military UXBs into recycling, please stop. You're scaring the civilians	(38)
(NY Daily News)	Newsish: Judge slips and falls on wet floors in his courtroom and fractures his knee. Fark: He is suing NYC for $1 million. Reason why there are lawyer jokes: He is also suing the cleaning woman	(185)
	Scottish man proposes 80 square mile "wilderness reserve" with natural ecosystem. European Union rejects proposal because it is cruel to let animals eat each other	(60)
(Some)	Photoshop this water bear	(62)
	In the run-up to the Olympics, some opponents of China's regime are boycotting all Chinese products. Good luck with that	(166)
	Letting your dog lick your face could give you salmonella, MRSA. Given that A) your dog licks its crotch and B) its backside, it's probably best not to let it lick your face	(145)
	Two ships whose anchors damaged undersea cables have been traced via satellite imagery. Big Brother has been busy the last 24 years	(67)
	Wheelchair-bound woman survives after tree falls on her house. However, doctors say she’ll never walk again	(39)
	School tackles unruly behavior by students by having them give each other massages, claims it's turned out to have had a happy ending (unrelated NSFW pic on sidebar)	(69)
	Hell hath no fury like an insane woman who is both scorned and capable of accessing YouTube (with video)	(139)
	See Banksy's latest commentary on the state of police surveillance in Britain -- painted under the direct view of a CCTV camera(unrelated NSFW pic in sidebar)	(94)
	"Prince William dropped his trousers as Harry wandered around with a funnel full of beer"	(53)
	Farmer reckons performing Tai Chi in front of his cows every morning increases their milk yield. Cows say they produce more milk to make him knock that shiate off	(31)
	101-year-old London Marathon runner takes a break halfway through his record-breaking marathon run... so he could get a beer and a cigarette	(86)
	Vidal Sassoon hailed as "the anti-fascist warrior hairdresser"	(46)
(Some Guy)	Having run out of all other Fark-worthy crimes, Florida is now the home of rooster-murder. Cock	(32)
	Thief suffers performance anxiety and vomits at the scene of the crime, leaving lots of DNA evidence behind. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG	(26)
	Cate Blanchett is a MILF x 3	(121)
(Some Guy)	Ugly-ass brown bear cubs make debut in Stockholm, immediately identify with their captors	(33)
(Some Guy)	Man gets surprise while peeling his hard-boiled egg. "It peeled perfect. I was fixin’ to eat it. I just happened to see it and said, ‘There’s something wrong here'"	(150)
	China unblocks CBC websites, letting the average Chinese person again hear about Celine Dion, backbacon, hockey and poutine. And there was much rejoicing	(82)
	Photoshop these blue jays in flight	(34)
	Her milkshake brought all the cops to her yard, and they were like "you are under arrest for the murder of your husband"	(57)
	X-ray surveillance of buildings, keyboards, feet... beautiful and scary	(107)
	Stand by, folks: The era of U.S. world domination is at an end. China is going to win it all	(481)
	English retailer slammed for selling a padded plunge bra for girls as young as seven. The same chain that had to pull a pole-dancing kit for pre-teens in 2006	(124)
	Aussie lads magazine runs "win an all-expenses paid divorce for two" competition	(35)
(Some Guy)	British supermarket chain Tesco's to launch bachelors degree in shelf-stacking and retail management, apparently unaware that America has offered them for years and calls them "arts degrees"	(156)