Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-03-16 23:59:59'

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Sun March 16, 2008

(Some Guy)	Taiwanese man promised his father a stripper for his funeral if he lived beyond the age of 100. Cai Jinlai duly passed away at the age of 103 this week, to one of the coolest funerals in history	(21)
	Men prefer pale women because they are virginal, women prefer dark men because they are mysterious. Here comes the science	(200)
	"Why are you washing your car in the first place? Bathing it will not increase its life expectancy or decrease the chances of a breakdown. All it does really is demonstrate to others that you have a tiny mind and an empty life"	(191)
	Man sets fire to his apartment, answers the door with crack pipe still in hand, fights with and spits on the arresting officers, and sends them back into the burning apartment to rescue someone that wasn't even there. Ta-daa	(82)
	Millions of people face being stranded at Mornington Crescent over Easter as British railways decide a holiday weekend is the best time to do major overhauls of its lines	(90)
	Lose a leg fighting in Iraq and you'll get £57,000 compensation. But straining your back lifting a printer at the Ministry of Defense gets you £202,000. All hail the Chairborne Brigade	(40)
	Style counts when getting kicked off a plane	(43)
(Some Guy)	Beer drinkers have bigger brains than wine drinkers	(98)
	To distract you from the fact that Tibet is on fire, here are some pictures of giant pandas playing in the snow at a Chinese wildlife preserve. Peace on you and all your friends	(41)
	HMAS Sydney, Australia's worst WWII maritime loss, found 66 years after it was sunk	(96)
	Not News: Religious groups seek to shut down cartoon channel over "pro-gay" and "anti-religious" shows. News: Channel responds that "We live in a fully secular, not puritan state. Suck it." Fark: Russia	(89)
	Suicide assistance agency sets up next to a brothel. Now you can come and go	(42)
(Some Guy)	Defendant who embraces evil wants to wear cape and makeup for trial. W/evil mugshot	(79)
	Union City police find 6-foot alligator after making marijuana bust. That's not a crock	(26)
	You'd expect to encounter a few uncooperative pricks at a sobriety checkpoint, but this takes the cake	(81)
	"Honey, would you look at that? There's a naked man destroying the store"	(36)
	Penis-shaped fun straws cause problems for Wal-Mart (with safe for work pic)	(161)
	Former NJ judge who “is known and highly regarded as a fine and ethical attorney” lands six-figure city job after ticket-fixing scandal forced him from the bench	(23)
(Some Badger)	The police chief of Whitewater, WI is tackling the real problems his community faces. Like using police resources to identify a blogger critical of his office	(73)
(Some Guy)	Real life superheroes patrol the streets of Chula Vista. Meet Mr. Extreme and Shadow Hare	(76)
(6abc.com)	Philadelphia's finest on display as a cuffed suspect drives off with a police cruiser, crashes in Camden, N.J. and then runs off	(26)
(Centre Daily Times)	School keeps black mold problem quiet for three years until reporter reveals it and school board reads about it	(26)
(The Times)	Ashley Dupré's mother was "shell shocked" to find out her precious little snow-wreck had been working as an escort and in trouble with the law	(143)
	Photoshop theme: Rejected educational games	(77)
	If you call a tech geek to help you tune your computer, make sure to erase all the kiddy porn first (with creepy mugshot goodness)	(99)
(LA Daily News)	When the LAPD mistakenly kicks in your door and shoots you, at least their "Wrong Doors Unit" will fix the door	(72)
	In Baltimore, MD there are many charities. But none like the one that nearly $1.8 million has been awarded to violent offenders such as carjackers, gang members, drug dealers, and sex offenders	(91)
(Awful Marketing)	High school girl who saves busload of elementary school students is given detention when administrators find out she shouldn't have been on the bus in the first place	(172)
	Winning ticket for Powerball prize of over $275,000,000 sold in West Virginia. That's gonna buy a lot of banjos	(73)
	In case you were wondering where the next sub-prime mortgage crisis will take place, it's in London, where an apartment is sold for world record £115m	(66)
	Family of child with progeria, a rare disease that causes rapid aging, struggle to deal with his health, raise awareness of the disease, fend off Maury Povich's producers	(87)
	Student hacks into school district computer, steals personal data of 35,000 district employees. His parents should have bought him a car for his birthday, like he asked for	(59)
	Police arrest man for taking their picture with cell phone during drug raid, then refusing to delete photo as ordered	(239)
	Man stopped for driving while on cell phone; actually gets away in court with "I was only using it to warm my ear" excuse	(51)
	If you're on parole and have been arrested 110 times already, you can be fairly certain that hiding behind a park dumpster and yelling at passersby while holding crack will get you arrest number 111 - whether or not you feign a heart attack	(36)
	The Pentagon hopes to stay in Iraq at least another four years, but forever would be good, too	(222)
(Some Guy)	One bright spot in the housing credit meltdown: people can now get a Frank Lloyd Wright house for less than a million	(143)
(Some Hungover Guy)	Pennsylvania Department of Transportation dismayed to discover that one of their portable road signs is giving people directions to a strip club	(69)
	Air France buys Alitalia, vows to preserve under-wing hair	(72)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these hard-working crime solvers	(47)
	Cool: Getting a shout-out on your favorite radio station on your birthday. Not cool: Having 2000 people crash your party as a result	(56)
(Some Guy)	A paramedic who tripped and fell while on an emergency call is suing the heart patient he was sent to help	(99)
	New plan would allow UK teachers to enter kids DNA into national database if they display "at risk" early criminal behavior, such as: antisocialism, radicalism, violence and eating glue	(169)
	Investigators tired of looking for Steve Fossett and Jimmy Hoffa decide to start digging up the ranch where Charles Manson lived to look for bodies of others they believe he may have killed	(79)
(We Attract)	Photoshop this SNS half cell	(58)
	NYC crane collapse leaves 'Fu Bar' FUBAR	(61)
	Nearly half of all injuries caused by police shootings in the UK are the result of officers accidently shooting themselves or a colleague	(93)
(Some Guy)	When drinking booze, have you ever swallowed the worm at the bottom of the bottle? How about the rattlesnake?	(73)
	A Sicilian tour guide makes FAQ booklet. Covers questions like: Are all Sicilians in the Mafia? What's Michael Corleone's favorite type of spaghetti? Do all Sicilians talk so loud? And witty responses to WANAFIGHTABOUTIT?	(53)
	Dad sues school for kids failing final year...class action of every NFL draftee now being put together	(79)
	Armed with ham, restaurateur fights off meat thief. Bacon	(41)

Sat March 15, 2008

(Burn, baby, burn)	Father-of-the-Year contender leaves 9-year old son pacing the parking lot for 45 minutes. Pissed off kid sets van on fire. “We’re going to get the kid into a juvenile fire setter program,” said the fire chief	(61)
(NY Times)	Study finds that there are three times as many cars trying to park as there are on-street spaces in Lower Manhattan. If only there were an underground train like transit system that workers could take from outlying areas	(140)
	Not News: Australian government proposes arial drop of rat poison to kill rats on an island. News: poison also likely to decimate several endangered species living on the island. Fark: in order to create an ideal environment for stick insects	(76)
	Parents leave their daughter with a babysitter while they have a drink at a bar. The babysitter? A locked truck	(57)
(Star-Telegram)	Woman sues American Airlines after man in next seat fapped while she napped, provided unwanted hair gel	(362)
(Gimundo)	Dog stranded in desert for 4 months gets rescued by train conductor. All aboard for I've-got-something-in-my-eye-ville	(84)
	Dallas is turning off the red light cameras. Not because of complaints, but because they work too well. People are no longer running enough red lights to pay for the cameras	(156)
	Crane collapses in NYC, destroying at least one building. 2 dead, several injured. Rescue teams on site. Bonus: possible gas leak could mean an explosion of newsflashes later today	(182)
(WSBTV)	More tornadoes heading for Atlanta today. It's what they get for building their city below sea level	(125)
	Last call for alcohol: NYC Fark Party tonight @ 7-7:30 LGT previous thread, DIT after Flood Protection	(24)
(KNXV)	Attorney for 27-year old female teacher who pleaded guilty to farking a 16-year old boy says "Everyplace she goes, people are touched by her tenderness, love and caring." Her victim agrees (w/hot for teacher photo)	(152)
	Behold the Holy Laser Cannon of Galilee	(162)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy shooting smoke	(52)
	Pole-swinging on the slopes can lead to arrest, shrinkage	(23)
	Madam: Sex too hard to sell these days, the competition is stiff and you're always getting the shaft	(76)
	The twisted organizers of "Bubblefest" have been stopped from their nefarious plans to enclose an elephant in a giant soap bubble	(36)
	High school teacher tells student he "fit the stereotype of a terrorist", school district now "fits the stereotype of a federal lawsuit recipient"	(169)
	Man arrested for attempting to have sex with a lamppost. Bonus: related stories on the same page are for two separate stories of guys who tried to make it with a vacuum cleaner and a bicycle, respectively	(80)
	Photos of downtown Atlanta after Friday night's storm	(172)
	Apparently, answering the door naked and punching an 11-year old in the head is not the proper response when the kid rings the doorbell soliciting donations for a fundraiser. Who knew?	(92)
(Some Canuck)	Canadian convenience store fined $1,020 for selling new-fangled "carbonated beverage in a can"	(112)
	The coolest CCTV footage of an unearthed German WWII bomb being safely detonated you'll see today. You submitted this with a "you know who else" headline, which was blitzed by Herr Drew	(49)
(Some Guy)	High school senior and son of Oklahoma City bombing victim writes a letter to Rep. Kerns, who claimed that gays were more of a threat than terrorists. Spiffy tag has something in its eye	(832)
	Hello, boils and ghouls - it's time for "Tales from the Crypt." Today's grave story concerns smash-and-grab robbers who steal from the cars of cemetery visitors. The morbid, the merrier	(40)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this skateboarder catching some air	(62)
(my fox cleveland)	Mustachioed kitteh is sole survivor of Singapore-to-Cleveland shipping container trek, just in time for Caturday	(484)
(SLO Tribune)	Remote California town of Gorda has most expensive gas in the country - $5.20 a gallon, which is galling	(134)
	Mah accuthed ov muhda ethcapth coht aftah biding copth' dose (pic)	(46)
	Baby sand dollars clone themselves when they sense danger. Ben Bernanke reportedly very interested in this development	(31)
(LAist)	The Shamrock Shake returns after 7 years, celebrate with these 1970's commercials cooked up by adguys from the Ulster Defence Association	(112)
	Ottawa parking garage collapses like the Senators in the playoffs	(69)
	New York Post: From moral outrage to "here is a picture of a topless hooker" in three days(Not safe for workish)	(148)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these jugs	(47)
	If you're a scam artist and your name is Kenneth Broad, don't get license plates reading 'KB 4 CON' for your Mercedes. Or be like this idiot - your call	(28)
	Man found walking naked down highway says Jesus told him to	(75)
(The Local.se)	Initial blind taste tests with new "mummified mouse"-flavor tortilla chips met with skepticism among the vegan community	(106)

Fri March 14, 2008

	Ex-pop star jailed for child sex. No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Oh, hell - it's the "Build Me Up Buttercup" guy	(114)
(Some Guy)	Possible tornado strikes Georgia Dome, halting SEC tourney	(280)
	Apparently it's not astronomical mathematical odds that have prevented anyone in Philadelphia from winning big in Powerball: it's a CURSE	(60)
(NBC24)	What do you get when you have 68 Scholars of the 21st-Century students on a bus trip to Chuck E. Cheese? Why, a bus-clearing brawl, of course	(37)
(phillyBurbs)	Dirty online chat with Miss America? Awesome. Unless she's posing as a 14-year-old for a crime show. Then it's 5 years of PMITA non-awesome	(197)
(MyFox Chicago)	Man reports his pornography collection stolen	(76)
	"How England is being turned into a land of cloned uniformity, losing the very things that make it worth living in"	(84)
	News: Nine-year-old leukemia sufferer receives death threats on blog she started to write about her ordeal. Fark: They were left by another nine-year-old	(55)
	In this week’s mug shot roundup, all featured arrestees are wearing Al Pacino t-shirts. Say hello to my little perps	(120)
(WGAL)	After 267 vehicle fires and 17 structure fires, GM recalls every 3.8-liter V6 made after 1997	(172)
	Police uncover 13-year-olds' plot to kill as many classmates as possible, then themselves (with video)	(152)
	"Marriage is the greatest test of character any of us have to face - and that is during good times"	(86)
	Uh-oh. Kurt Eberling, inventor of SpaghettiOs, passes away at the age of 77	(117)
	Being a bouncer in Chicago on St Patrick's Day: A story from the front lines	(104)
(Just Some Guy)	Photoshop what's in the net	(70)
	Bush says Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is doing a heck of a job on the U.S. economy. Uh oh	(273)
(Coming Soon)	Paramount Pictures exec pitches radical new idea: "Hey, what if we took the magazine Heavy Metal and animated it?" Paramount says, "Rad -- this will show those guys over at Pixar"	(205)
(Welcome)	Three people found dead in Zambo, where you can do anything at all	(86)
	Heather Mills to get around $50 million per leg in divorce settlement from Paul McCartney	(111)
	Finally the answer to: "Where do trailer parks come from?" Tagline says it all (nifty pic included)	(53)
	Imaginary lost productivity during March Madness skyrockets to $1.7 billion in 2008, up 42 percent from last year. Federal Reserve poised to slash garbage time, free throws in effort to curb recession fears	(42)
(Some farkaholic)	If you're on the lam, owe back child support and have a bag of weed in your pocket, public peeing is ill advised	(57)
	Today's suspected bomb that turns out to be a turnip brought to you by Fort Wayne, IN	(77)
	Weak dollar means the US economy is now #2 in the world, figuratively and literally	(510)
(Press Democrat)	Not news: young man dies in rollover accident. Fark: local article about crash includes picture of victim flashing the shocker	(153)
	Pennsylvania doctor guilty in triangle killing, will spend life in a very small rectangle	(50)
	Man solicits sex from a 16-year-old boy. Boy punches him, then makes off with his car	(65)
	What do Governor Eliot Spitzer and Mayor Ray Nagin have in common? What is "Vi-Jay-Jay"?	(107)
	In reliable sign that spring is just around the corner, idiots in Wisconsin being fined for running across frozen lakes naked	(39)
	The worst things to do on an interview. Answering the "Where do you see yourself in the future?" question with "Doing your wife" inexplicably not on the list	(286)
	US House of Representatives votes 213-197 to strip immunity from phone companies for domestic surveillance. President Bush reportedly has narrowed veto choices to Tangerine, Burnt Sienna and Aquamarine	(341)
(The Local.de)	Surgeons left holding the bag after woman scheduled for a leg operation gets a colostomy instead	(64)
	Glenn Beck: "What would it say about personal responsibility in this country if we allow the two states that broke all the rules to end up having the biggest say of all?"	(413)
(Some Guy)	REMINDER: 2nd Annual Boston St. Pat's Pub Crawl Tomororow. DIT. Beware the Ides of March	(41)
(WMTW.com)	Westbrook, Maine wants all of its tattoo artists to have background checks. All one of them	(40)
	New report claims that anti-Semitism is on the rise globally. You know who else wants to see more anti-Semitism globally? That's right: Charles Lindbergh and Henry Ford	(477)
(Statesman.com)	Welcome to the part of the news cycle where local papers ask the hard-hitting question: "What kind of regional ass can you get for a grand?"	(99)
	First they came for the Siberian lynxes, and I did not speak out, because I had a domestic short hair	(57)
	Google street level maps are freaking people out. People worried that others might see them ... milling about... or something	(140)
	"Can you believe April won six gift baskets in the raffle? Me neither. Let's call the cops."	(65)
	Haven't had a Tom Cruise / Scientology trainwreck video in awhile... oh wait here's one	(268)
	Grow-house occupants usually try to blend in, not run around outside screaming and pounding the walls and then running back inside	(28)
	Good: Single mom goes out to make a living. Bad: By selling cocaine. Good: She left the kids with a friend. Bad: She left the plate she cut the cocaine out and the kids went all Tyrone the crackhead on her	(78)
	Researchers develop AI equivalent of a 4-year-old and put it on Second Life. Locals baffled by new resident's lack of fur or equippable genitalia	(100)
	Richard Gere cleared of obscenity, gerbil	(42)
	Cell-phone driving bill still hanging on in the Maryland Senate. Likely to be dropped when they drive through a tunnel	(50)
(English Russia)	The best "elderly Russian man straps cat to his chest and jumps out of an airplane" video you'll see all day	(97)
	Today's "idiot throwing a large chunk of concrete off an overpass onto a moving vehicle" story brought to you by Harford County, MD	(49)
	That guy who tried to shoot the groom's testicles off at a wedding? Yeah, he just escaped from court	(37)
	Everything you never knew about living in space, including whether astronauts ever have pizza and what they do when their clothes start to stink	(55)
	Coen Brothers sue Fark	(165)
	Spitzer's callgirl changes her MySpace profile. It's not news, it's CNN	(201)
(CRACKED.com)	Flowcharts of 20 insane supervillain schemes	(80)
	An artillery shell used as a doorstop, a monkey shot by police and electrified doorknobs. Or as UK farkers call it, "Wales"	(34)
	Retirement home forced to change their building layout, after a complaint that it looks like a swastika when seen by somebody flying overhead. Bonus: The building's been like that for 30 years	(115)
	Police beat and rob motorist, whose faithful car leaps to his defense and tries to run them down. Or something like that	(34)
(WGAL)	Church treasurer steals $1M in mission money to buy classic cars. Church members said they always thought it was strange how it always took $2 for them to feed a hungry child when everyone else did it for $1	(149)
	It's not news, it's dogs and shoes. Snooze	(19)
	Will Minnie Mouse pole dance at Disney's planned adult-oriented theme park?	(75)
	Town denies "adult entertainment" license because bar is too close to cemetery. After all, who wants to work around a bunch of stiffs?	(44)
(WCTV)	Global warming is a myth because it snowed last week	(325)
	Tulsa apartment building hit by National Guard rocket that the pilot thought he dropped back in Kansas. Oops	(51)
	Pig shoots dog	(54)
	Southwest would like you to know they've repaired four of their airplanes on which maintenance had been an afterthought. And they only had big cracks in them, so there's really nothing to worry about with all the others. Fly Southwest	(59)
(Dorset Echo)	News: Mailman caught stealing women's mail-order lingerie. Fark: Theft discovered following strip search	(21)
	Castro lifts appliance ban -- Cubans can own DVD players and computers. Except poor people, who live in hovels and single rooms and can't afford them. Which is most of the country. So in essence nothing's changed. Thanks Raul	(123)
(Some Guy)	Mass Media(tm) hysteria over shootings at schools, malls, and churches has another side effect than simply causing more of the same. Increased handgun sales. Thanks Mass Media(tm)	(158)
(news14.com)	"Dear townspeople: Thank you for your efforts to conserve water during the drought, your efforts have prevented shortages. However, because you used less water than expected, our rates must go up. Have a nice day"	(109)
	Flying saucer for sale. No extraterrestrials, but there is a real estate agent involved, so the anal probe is pretty well guaranteed	(16)
(North Adams Transcript)	Woman threatens to kill herself. Friend says he's calling her bluff and gives her his gun. Oops. Jury convicts him of killing her	(117)
	Amsterdam gays can now legally enjoy public sex in the city's biggest park, but they'd better not let their dog off its leash	(87)
	The FBI not only abused the Patriot Act to spy on citizens but actively covered up abuses. Also, when you are waterboarded, your face gets wet, according to the Romero Investigative Committee	(74)
	Zoo's chimpanzee expert says that conservationist efforts to save the endangered species are being undermined... by CareerBuilder television ads	(37)
	"Yes you killed your partner, but seeing as how you told your cat about it, you can go free"	(45)
(Some muffin)	Woman who dated a guy named "Toaster" did not expect the breakup to be so burny	(58)
	Best video of a drunken New Zealand cricket fan trying to save his pint of beer you'll see in the next 36 minutes	(51)
	Man pleads guilty to sodomy with dog. Again	(180)
	'Don't taze me bro' nominated for YouTube award	(63)
	No, you can't have your free, sex-filled Hawaiian vacation. Hang out with this guy instead	(49)
	It's not every day you get a story about a chicken manure catapult backfiring. It's not news	(36)
(Some Bottles)	Photoshop these perfume bottles	(61)
(Whitbey Gazette)	Granddad goes nude to raise charity cash...that's not an onion (w/SFW pic)	(50)
	Entire nation of England about to get £100 fines every time any of them set foot on the sidewalk	(133)
	We almost went an entire day without a student/teacher sex story... Florida apologizes for the late arrival (with "yes, you'd hit it" pic)	(297)
	"A Macedonian court convicted a bear of theft and damage for stealing honey from a beekeeper who fought off the attacks with thumping 'turbo-folk' music"	(71)
(Brisbane Times)	Police officer acquitted on child pornography charges, because he accidentally paid the $35 access fee to the site he accidentally went to, where he accidentally downloaded 8,742 images from the site, by accident	(151)
	Woman who has cerebral palsy gets pulled over and gets a ticket for driving with an expired license. Riding her motorized wheelchair	(132)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this spotted blue underwater thingy	(65)
	Teacher under investigation after commenting in class that 13-year-old student had "nice, perky t**s." His teaching assistant, named Jay, currently being sought as material witness	(145)
(Some Guy)	Church of Scientology reports "suspicious package" in front of their headquarters. Police respond promptly, detonate it with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch	(160)
(ABC 24)	Memphis high school plagued by rash of daily prank fire alarms, plans to install spray-paint fire alarms, asks media not to encourage pranksters by reporting on it. Yeah	(33)
	Dear Yahoo: I am 30 years old, 5' 7" and 220 lbs. Am I too old to become a stripper?	(132)
	In an attempt to prevent their business from being stopped short, a Tampa bar introduces dwarf cage-fighting	(40)
	"Who's a good shark? Who's a good shark? Yes you are, yes you are..." With picture goodness	(100)
	If you see a six-foot pint glass of beer walking around near Detroit, please don't set it on fire	(35)
	Man who slipped on grape and tried to sue supermarket loses the legal battle, won't be raisin the money he wanted	(47)
	Idiot puts $12,000 diamond engagement ring into helium balloon so he can pop the question to his girlfriend outdoors; now vows to hold on to the string more tightly next time (pic)	(135)
(KOCO-5)	Trio in "Spider-Man" masks wanted for trashing Blockbuster Video, hurling ice cream cartons at restaurant manager. Authorities call it the worst "Spider-Man" crime since the release of "Spider-Man 3"	(42)
	Man who stashed his life savings in a haystack is shocked to discover that, when hungry, rats will eat money	(60)

Thu March 13, 2008

(Some Guy)	Cops on man ordering in Dunkin Donuts drive-thru with no pants on. Actual police statement: "it was unknown how Mr. Greco took his coffee that day"	(41)
	One in five couples forced to delay their weddings or cancel them entirely because they cost too much	(156)
(Some Guy With Bad Timing)	When preparing to rob a bank, it's really important to check the bank's closing time first	(52)
(Some Guy)	Man tries to snatch 83-year-old woman's purse at a gas station. That is until she grabbed the gas nozzle and started squirting him with gasoline	(69)
	Arizona man arrested after stashing a laptop into his waistband. Police couldn't tell if he had a hard drive in his pocket or was just happy to see them	(32)
(Stretch Mibalczak)	Ferrari sues owner for dissing the prancing horse - by turning a sports car into a limo	(207)
(WINK News)	Hey, let’s rob the police station	(56)
	Bowing to pressure, Coca-Cola stops selling Coke Cancer™ to Mexico	(105)
(Some Guy)	Study shows younger kids are taking up huffing, becoming Warriors fans	(107)
	Judge's order restricts an eight-year-old boy from carrying tools when his fan worship of "Bob the Builder" gets carried away. Hopefully, judge will next set his sights on anime cosplayers	(122)
(Some Guy)	Wheelchair-bound man tries to run over deputy. Deputy thwarts his plan by stepping up on a curb. Bonus: Man then threatens to kill himself by downing a bottle of Viagra	(40)
	Mexican woman arrested after strapping 33 pounds of cocaine to children's legs and trying to enter Britain. Officials became suspicious when they noticed 33 POUNDS of cocaine strapped to the children's legs	(88)
	Actual quote from judge's order: "In either case, the Court cautions Plaintiff's counsel not to run with a sharpened writing utensil in hand -- he could put his eye out"	(75)
	If you've bought gold from Ethiopia's national bank lately, you're a complete dumbass	(132)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this frog supermodel	(81)
(HuffPo)	Who does Dr. Laura think is at fault for Spitzer having sexual relations with that woman, Kristen the wannabe singer? Well, Mrs. Spitzer, of course	(434)
	Muslim inmates in Britain served ham sandwiches during Ramadan. Hilarity did not ensue	(300)
(Some Guy)	Native Americans can be traced to six "founding mothers." Sluts	(156)
	Man gets his back tattooed with life-sized portrait of his girlfriend, who promptly dumps him for a co-worker (and other tattoo regret stories)	(269)
(Some Guy)	Today's "nocturnal gas-siphoning illuminated by cigarette lighter mishap" story comes to you from Doney Park, Arizona	(74)
(Chronicle)	Nazi-era law bars American Ph.D.'s from calling themselves 'Doctor' in Germany. Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd seen fleeing the country	(235)
	Bush jokes about daughter's wedding, promises not to invade anywhere she might honeymoon... probably	(151)
	Prison guards eat cake baked by prisoners. What could possibly go wrong?	(94)
	Liberian admits to dining on UN peacekeepers	(202)
	Seven outstanding confessions of an outstanding Verizon DSL tech-support rep	(282)
	Couple claims their church's proclamation to have mandatory sex for 30 days was successful in bringing them closer, giving disturbing memories for their kids	(240)
	Preacher offering a $0.25 per gallon discount on gas to every person who shows up for church	(136)
	Today's pressure-washing of a kids as punishment brought to you by Tampa	(70)
	If you're going to do some sunbathing, it's probably best not to do it on fully operational train tracks	(64)
	Man celebrates 100th birthday at Hooters	(182)
	Heathrow security alert as man with rucksack climbs perimeter fence, runs into path of big pretty white plane with red stripes and wheels, curtains in the windows that looks like a big Tylenol	(149)
(Vernal Express)	Utah settles driver's Taser lawsuit for 80 cents per volt	(156)
	Transsexual makes history by playing transsexual in TV drama. With pic that will make men ask questions of themselves	(846)
	Space Shuttle Endeavour hooks up with International Space Station. Plans to stay twelve days, eat all the food, use the laundry, leave the seat up, leave without saying goodbye	(57)
	Student sues teacher for waking him up	(360)
	Severed fingers suggest Iraq hostages still alive but may have difficulty typing	(131)
(Some Guy)	Harry Connick Jr. submits wrong set list to Chinese officals, is forced to play solo while his band sits there and watches. Band member who picked up cornet was run over by a tank	(95)
	"The only people that like Jimmy Buffett are frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the south." It's funny because it's true	(345)
(Some Guy)	Botox turning Nicole Kidman into Bat Face, mother of Bat Boy, according to expert. Includes uncanny pics proving his seemingly outrageous assertions	(184)
	Fact you should know if you are trying to cover up an illegal bear cub killing: Bears hibernate	(142)
(Some Guy)	Minor League baseball team announces Eliot Spitzer Night. Promotions include wire taps throughout the stadium	(73)
(KPHO)	((5 + 5) x 10) x 8 dogs seized from home	(225)
(Some Dutch Guy)	Amsterdam Fark get-together tonight at Cafe Meander off the Spui, 10:00 p.m. tonight. Playing Mdungu -- Dutch/African/world music	(71)
(Some Flower Person)	Photoshop this floating flower	(66)
	Catholic bishop strikes out at "gay conspiracy" to destroy Christianity, put up really nice curtains	(273)
	Short men do suffer from "short man syndrome." More likely to headbutt you in the groin or conquer Europe	(390)
	Mini Coopers can't fly, as a driver finds out after sending speeding car plunging 80 feet from interstate off-ramp (with photos, video)	(106)
	Cuban Soccer team's bid to qualify for the Olympics off to a promising start after... wait, nevermind, a bunch of their players just defected	(107)
	In a shocking turn of events, school administrators admit over-reaction to black market Skittles sale, deny national press coverage was a factor	(131)
	Patent squatter Zap Media all of the sudden realizes that they invented iTunes and the iPod, not those Apple jokers	(158)
(Be vewy quiet...)	Teen steals bunny and holds it for $100 ransom	(61)
	Serial identity thief sentenced to eight years of being called Philip McCrevice	(37)
	Frisky frog in rubber ducky sex shocker. With pic of very surprised looking duck	(92)
	This year's vintage from Toorak wines has a little more body than last year's	(46)
	Meet the chef with the food phobia. Om nom not	(59)
(Some Guy)	Prince Charles jams on the bongos with some Rastafarians during his visit to a Bob Marley shrine in Jamaica (with pics)	(61)
	London voted the dirtiest and most expensive city in Europe, narrowly edging out Amsterdam and Sydney	(206)
(Some Guy)	Metzembalm	(62)
	Old and busted: Tarot cards. New hotness: Throwing asparagus	(42)
(Some Guy)	Tiny Smart cars get big reactions in the U.S., mainly because people want to see what kind of tree hugging douchebag would drive such a thing	(483)
(3TV)	If you're staggering down the road with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a large knife in the other, chances are you're gonna get tasered	(30)
(NY Daily News)	Client No. 6 on the $5000/hour callgirl hit parade is revealed: It's the Duke of Westminster. Please express shocked sentiments to the right	(232)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this flask	(44)
	Nearly half of the UK population does not know what the Magna Carta is	(120)
	Seattle to require 30-mpg taxis by 2013, giving cab drivers the option of any car that would never hold a suitcase	(188)
	The EPA cough cough claims that air in over cough 300 countries is too cough dirty to cough cough cough breathe	(95)
	Yuma County, AZ sheriff wants to put a moat along the U.S.-Mexico border because everyone knows what a good job the Rio Grande has done at stopping illegal immigration	(115)
(Some Guy)	Note to self : DO NOT commit break-ins while wearing a court-ordered GPS tracking bracelet	(26)
(Some Guy)	Some of the world's most famous paintings of people are even more awe-inspiring now that they've been given faces of celebrities like Tom Cruise and Natalie Portman	(64)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 149: “Trucks." Details and rules in Boobies. LGT next week's theme	(203)

Wed March 12, 2008

	New, colorful $5 bill to be introduced this week. Have fun at Taco Bell	(149)
	Pilot who strays off course changes direction, pants after two F16s intercept him	(110)
	San Francisco has to pull its fleet of hybrid busses as teens can't resist pressing the JOLLY, CANDY-LIKE button on the OUTSIDE of them that shuts them OFF	(96)
	Photos from The Smoking Gun of the girl who brought down Spitzer. (Probably safe for work)	(634)
(WLBZ2.com)	A Maine teen writes a song containing graphic descriptions of a school shooting and is sentenced to two years for terrorizing	(228)
(The Miami New Times)	Eddy Rodriguez, a subcontractor by day, often dons a bunny suit and walks around Coconut Grove to amuse people, or scare the crap out of them, whichever comes first	(50)
	Unaware that you cannot make fish and chips using a Bar-B-Q, Britain wants their own Fourth of July	(102)
(AL.com)	Vandals break into Alabama movie theatre, slash five screens. Yeah, "10,000 B.C." was that bad	(123)
(Some Math Major)	Millions of people in 29 states, Washington D.C. and the US Virgin Islands who are very bad at math pin their hopes tonight on a pipe dream. A $230 million pipe dream	(207)
(WDEF News 12)	47 years ago, James Albert Morgan broke out of jail in a daring escape. Today, the now 73-year-old is going back to prison... to finish his original three year sentence. (w/mugshot goodness)	(63)
	Mom arrested for leaving child in car. She was 10 yards away. Helping her other child donate money to Salvation Army	(261)
	In 2008, Ben Stein and conservative lawmakers introduced a bill in Tallahassee in an effort to challenge the teaching of... Anyone? Anyone?	(834)
	Scottish zoo unveils LionRover3, a high-tech prey substitute for lions to prevent them from getting bored and to hunt for Sarah McConnor (pic)	(64)
	Belgian brewery is sponsoring the construction of a pavilion in the capital, Brussels, that is comprised entirely of beer crates	(27)
(Some Guy)	Many teens spend more than 30 hours a week in front of the TV or playing video games. Amateurs	(106)
	Weird: Vegas man paints his car to match a police cruiser, including insignia and lights. Fark: It's perfectly legal	(98)
(WPTV)	Wearing baggy pants in Riviera Beach may cost you $150 and 60 days in jail. Hiking your pants up to your armpits still ok, because, well it's Florida	(39)
	Woman makes powerful case for Kansas tag by getting stuck on toilet for two years	(288)
	Man travils nation, fixing tyops, mispellings	(60)
(Some Guy)	Payday loan company pulling out of Oregon because the 36% interest cap is just too low for them	(162)
(Daily Camera)	Tired of sitting in ski traffic on winter weekends, Colorado state senator proposes making I-70 a toll road where you would need to register your trip on his website beforehand, and be billed for tolls via photos of your car along the way	(81)
	Syphillis rate is up for seventh straight year. U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A	(78)
	Student suspended for buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate	(113)
	Trilogy nerds debate the location of The Shire	(89)
(Tapped)	NYC charter school plans to pay its teachers 125K a year, but it's unclear how they'll be able to succeed without six layers of assistant administrative vice-principals for multilingual snowflake-nurturing	(42)
(Gothamist)	Principal stands in doorway to block student with hearing-ear dog from gaining entrance	(308)
(Some Guy)	News teams leaves scene with evidence pertaining to ongoing missing persons investigation, proceeds to flaunt it on live TV	(120)
	Man retires to the cave where he was born	(63)
	Woman found carrying her dead dog in a duffle bag while locked in a Wendy's bathroom assures you that everything will be fine when the dog comes back to life in 13 days	(81)
(Some farker)	Photoshop this cranky device	(76)
(Some Bee)	Central NJ Fark Party - April 4th. Who's in? LGT pub of choice (Freehold)	(159)
(Some Guy)	For the first time ever the Dayton Police Department conducted a beer sales sting and didn't sting anybody	(86)
	France's final WWI veteran dies - incredibly rare French Hero tag surrenders	(223)
	If you just pumped two bullets into your sister's head in a Muslim "honor killing," don't call emergency services and brag about it. Unless, like you're this guy, you're Palestinian, in which case it's A-OK	(801)
	"The researchers didn't test on a live pacemaker wearer. Instead they put the target device into a bag of meat, which is much the same thing." In related news, never go grocery shopping with a scientist	(84)
	Southwest grounds 41 planes before gravity does	(109)
	Rolling Stone puts Barack Obama on the cover, giving him the same loving care the magazine gave former cover-messiah Jar-Jar Binks	(300)
(Some Guy)	Carmen Electra's IQ is 127	(324)
	Reuters discovers that gun owners "are not just urban criminals and drug dealers"	(591)
(Molly Good)	Patrick Swayze agrees: Nothing like a smoke on the way to chemotherapy (pic)	(277)
	News: Fuss at German airport. Not News: It was about woman's luggage. Fark: She'd packed her brother's skeleton	(37)
(Some Guy)	"This is one way you don't want anyone to find you: In an abandoned building bound with pantyhose and gagged, wearing women's intimate clothing and with a foam ball in your mouth"	(173)
	Muslims protest reprinting 2006 cartoon in story about how cartoonist has gotten death threats...because the cartoon depicts them as intolerant. Ironic tag narrowly edges out Dumbass	(506)
	Internet for pornography, not voting according to Poland's former Prime Minister	(56)
(Some Science Guy)	50 weird science tidbits, including: why astronauts cannot belch and the Biggest Beer in the Universe	(263)
(Albany Times Union)	Spitzer resigns. Patterson to take over Monday, as soon as he can find his way to the Capitol	(268)
(Some Guy)	Britney is now a heroine in a futuristic world where talent and dignity is elusive	(98)
	Japanese stripper claims judge (who looks like Bill Cosby) shared business and bank accounts but insists their relationship is "a pure business matter." (pics)	(76)
	In today's chapter of "Correlation Doesn't Equal Causation," staying in school makes you live longer, according to a study from The Harvard Institute For Complete and Utter Horse Hockey	(78)
	Why did the little children cross the road? Because their mother of the week forgot to lock the back door	(48)
	20 Biggest Record Company Screw-Ups of All Time	(189)
	Kentucky legislature honors chicken, Corvettes, cornholing	(50)
	Chicago Fark Party reminder. Saturday, March 29th. Bottle Bar. Be there, or be lame. Details in thread, LGN	(69)
	National child obesity program to start in West Virginia…home of the Deep-Fried Cherry Pie	(122)
	Is this Eliot Spitzer's "Kristen?" Not safe for work-ish pic, but really nice choice, Mr. Horny Governor	(382)
	Woman in fight with city over her pet goose. Yep, Florida	(23)
	When slipping a razor into court to slash the prosecutor, make sure your attorney and the stenographer aren't former military	(86)
(Times Dispatch)	Woman appeals 28 year sentence for murdering her husband. Jury gives her Life instead. Heard asking for triple or nothing on way out of courtroom	(46)
	Next-week's headline today: "Rick Pitino, Jamal Mashburn, and Walter McCarty named honorary chiefs by Lexington police"	(36)
	Chuck Norris too tame for you? Try learning to fight like D'Artagnon	(161)
	House can't muster enough votes to override waterboarding veto. Our freedoms stay protected	(728)
	"Sources" say Spitzer is scheduled to announce his resignation at 11:30 a.m, make it effective Monday. 5 more days of Spitz submissions	(86)
	297 Filipino nurses lured to Saskatchewan by job recruiters just in time for moose biting season	(110)
(Greenville Online)	Man skips his court date for robbery arrest. Reason: he was out committing another robbery	(10)
(Daily Herald)	What's the difference between being 17 years, 361 days old and 18 years old? For this teacher, it makes her guilty of criminal sexual abuse and a registered sex offender. With mugshot goodness	(183)
	If you let your 14-year-old drive you home because you're too drunk to drive, you might be a redneck. If 14-year-old is drunk too, you've just confirmed it	(41)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop these jigs	(99)
	Spitzer will pull out within the hour, or around $4900 from now	(217)
	Unruly Tibetan monks damage the People's glorious, peaceful tear gas canisters	(55)
	Attorneys and judge are "stumped" where to send jailed Cuban paraplegic with nowhere to go	(52)
	You're not alone, Eliot: one-third of men and 20% of women who own private jets say they've paid for sex	(264)
	Book returned to library in Finland after being checked out for more than 100 years, proving once again that it's not how you start but how you Finnish that matters	(73)
	Gov. Spitzer's bust sheds light on bigger problem: Miami's drastic shortage of high-priced call girls	(68)
(Statesman.com)	When the homeless guy you're arresting thinks you have a drinking problem, you might want to consider getting some help	(38)
	Police stop man with pneumonia as he drove to emergency room, arrest him for DUI even though he blew 0.00 on breathalyzer. Hilarity ensues	(183)
(WKYC TV-3 News)	Cop charged with DUI after crashing into police station	(47)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these soccer players	(57)
(Some Guy)	Man cleared of charge that he planned to attack policeman with his elbows	(25)
(wjbd)	When traveling with an assload of heroin in your car, try not to pass out in the Hardee's parking lot	(33)
	RateMyCop site allows the general public to rate the wonderful, unforgettable experiences they've had with law enforcement officers. What could possibly go wrong?	(165)
	If you're the clown who dumped a bunch of deer piss into a Tennessee high school air conditioning unit, here is your score: Vomiting Students: 12. Angry Police Chief: 1. Pending Vandalism Charge: 1	(117)
	Smoker dragged into court for littering after tapping the ash from his cigarette onto a street	(328)
	50 people blind themselves by staring at the sun while looking for a reported image of the Virgin Mary	(184)
(Some Guy)	Increase in teacher tourism to Japan expected as first schoolboy themed cafe opens in Tokyo	(66)
(Some Guy)	Meet the unluckiest rich guys on the planet, Clients 1-8. Thanks to Spitzer they are pretty much farked	(153)

Tue March 11, 2008

	You might be Canadian if.....you get arrested for a 'snow rage' incident	(44)
(Minnesota Daily)	Survey finds that law students are in it for the money. Would have used Obvious tag, but it imploded the instant submitter clicked it	(166)
	A fifth of Britons admit to purchasing counterfeit goods in a survey, the other four fifths lie on surveys	(31)
	Absinthe legal in Maryland. It's worth the trip	(211)
	Uʍop-ǝpısdn ʇǝʞɔıʇ ƃuıʞɹɐd ƃuıʎɐldsıp ɹoɟ pǝuıɟ ʇsıɹoʇoɯ	(98)
	Obama wins a primary in some other unimportant state	(866)
	Man reputed to be the only person keeping Bush from attacking Iran just resigned. How do you say "Oh, crap" in Farsi?	(260)
	Man steps on grape at grocery store; sues for injury. YOU GONNA GET GRAPED	(62)
(Some Hoopy Frood)	Today would have been Douglas Adams' 56th birthday. So long, and thanks for all the fish	(251)
	An Italian greyhound named Victoria wins the annual "Ugly Dog Contest" in San Diego for the second year in a row	(63)
(Gateway Pundit)	Iranian police chief makes Eliot Spitzer look like computer nerd in a Star Trek uniform trying to pick up a supermodel	(104)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this old-timey crash	(75)
	Bosses with no balls have this role model to thank: A Chinese eunuch invented paperwork on this day in AD 105	(40)
	Dad who microwaved baby accused of interrogation room sex, claims it's someone else's DNA on chair. The Aristocrats	(212)
	It's that time of year again, get ready for some yellow top Coke	(211)
	John McCain tells Hillary and Obama to stop whining about NAFTA, saying isolationism and protectionism are only ideas embraced by union workers earning $58 an hour for mopping floors in car plants	(828)
	Goodbye, F-117. We hardly saw ya	(494)
	The booking agent for Governor Spitzer's favorite warned her that freaky Eliot "would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think are safe" - "Run an under capitalized hedge fund for me, baby, yeah"	(220)
(Blasphemes)	The pressing issue of the day: How long was Luke's training on Daghoba?	(327)
	One in four teen girls in the U.S. has an STD. EVERYBODY PANIC	(379)
	Radio 1 DJ Sara Cox gives birth to a baby boy; names it Isaac. It's a good name that no one would make fun of, Isaac Cox	(128)
	Drew Curtis on Kentucky's anonymous Internet comments ban: "We will comply with all regulat--no wait, die in a fire"	(259)
(KTVB.COM)	Mary Ann? Or Mary Jane? Gilligan's Island star pleads guilty to posession pot	(284)
	In a move guaranteed to raise reasonable and polite debate, this mother has decided to ensure that her Downs syndrome daughter has plastic surgery to look more "normal"	(215)
	UN sends Japan a strongly-worded letter that the anime industry is child porn	(234)
	News: High School teacher installs video camera in girls toilet apparently so he can store and distribute videos. Fark: he tied up the school's server using all the bandwidth	(84)
	Ever wonder why Amanda Overmeyer of "American Idol" sings like a 98-year-old man with bronchitis? FarkTV ran into her during a man-on-the-street shoot outside Idol tryouts in Atlanta. Not a re-enactment	(114)
	Keep your hands off my GODDAMNED GIANT CRAB CAKE	(92)
	A pictorial tour of Eliot Spitzer's favorite online brothel	(186)
(Financial Times)	Newspaper apology of the week: Sorry for our foul-mouthed Scrabble game for kiddies	(38)
	CBS poll begs the question: Should Spitzer's wife leave him, or should she stick around for hot hooker threesomes? That, at least, is what subby gathered from the question	(79)
	Telemarketers using old 867-5309 callback number on their recorded pitches to get people with caller ID to pick up the phones. "I got it! I GOOOTTT IT!"	(102)
	"Creepy gnome" walks the streets of town in Argentina, totally freaking everybody out. With video	(194)
(Some Sheep Dipper)	Slow news day: Like most quadrupeds, sheep can run fast. That's why you buy them dinner first	(25)
	Denver woman faces fine for dyeing her poodle pink to raise awareness for breast cancer. Because nothing makes you think of lumpy breasts like a pink poodle	(119)
	One man, over 4800 women. Would he lie? (Sponsored Link)	(119)
(Some Guy)	British government deports gay Iranians, where their sentence would be death, using the excuse of "Well if they're discreet, they'll be fine"	(404)
(Townhall.com)	feminists at appalachian state university want to ban capital letters because they are a reminder of erect penises. penis	(337)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to kick in a few windshields because you're drunk and angry about being fired from the DOT, don't pick a police cruiser with a working dashboard cam as one of your targets (video)	(16)
(Some Guy)	The Atlantic to put Britney Spears on its next cover in pathetic attempt to halt mag's sales decline, a decision that editor of The Economist mocks: "If she re-emerged as the head of the World Bank, we'd consider it"	(47)
(Some Guy)	Man gets 20 years for falling on, punching and trying to choke a police dog. In his defense, the dog was trying to bite the crap out of him	(204)
	Eliot Spitzer promised to bring "passion" back to the governor's mansion during his campaign	(60)
(Philadelphia Magazine)	Philadelphia Farkers sure to develop an intense interest in politics once they see Fox 29's political reporter	(153)
(The Local.de)	Germany's national railroad, which profited from shipping Jewish children to concentration camps, decides to charge shipping fees for traveling exhibition documenting the fates of children shipped to concentration camps. Godwinilarity ensues	(229)
(Ad Age)	Guinness and Anheuser-Busch team up trying to make St. Patrick's Day a national holiday, in what is no way a publicity stunt to sell black-and-tans	(186)
	Colorado introduces law that would punish child rapists by execution. Hittable teachers would be automatically paroled	(389)
	Amy Winehouse makes another shocking mistake: Puts trash out on a slow news day	(268)
	Many people now pressuring NY Gov Spitzer to resign for patronizing hookers. Everybody else always kinda figured that was a poltician's job description	(193)
	"Well, sure, I remember stabbing her five times, but 13? That's ridiculous"	(57)
(NY Times)	IRS thought they were going after simple corruption when they started investigating Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s (D-Dumbass) finances last year. Oops, guess they got caught with their pants down (or at least someone did)	(428)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this cautious microwave hobbyist	(62)
	Crude oil heads toward $109 a barrel. Soon to be renamed "obscene oil"	(429)
	Media discovers that panicky stories about bedbugs aren't as interesting as articles about the media panicking about bedbugs	(53)
	New research suggests that people actually grow more liberal as they age. My lawn, come rest your tired feet on it	(571)
(Some Guy)	Much like Michael Jackson himself, Neverland is old, rundown and missing some of its original parts	(104)
	World record holder in the marathon pulls out of Beijing Olympics due to the city's high pollution levels	(133)
	Nanny State wants to eliminate homework because it puts undue stress on the precious little snowflakes	(183)
	Who can improve vegetative relations between the United States and Muslim communities around the world? Cue Cumber	(70)
	San Diego activist wants couch potatoes to 'bench-warm' city benches in a attempt to deny the homeless a place to sleep	(121)
	Giant Satanic teapot destroyed	(126)
	Early Father of the Year candidate caught by speed camera doing 101 mph with his unrestrained children hanging out the windows of his Audi (pic)	(93)
	Photoshop theme: Unlikely places to sell ad space	(168)
	Priest throws his shirt at a referee in a fit of rage during a Italian soccer match. Thank God it wasn't a nun	(23)
	Pics of spectacular night launch of Space Shuttle Endeavour	(79)
(Some Guy)	City council offers a $5 bounty per stray dog or cat that is brought in to be euthanized. Pet owners need not worry because the bounty is only for pets without collars or tags. Hmmmm	(171)
	Evel Knievel’s stunt cycle has been voted the kid's toy adults most want to play with again	(135)
(KPVI-6)	Eleven-year-old girl invents "diabetic dress" so her six-year-old sister can wear her insulin pump in style	(114)
(I'm just saying)	If you're on a three-day gambling and boozing bender, have to really use the bathroom and see an elementary school, just keep going	(51)

Mon March 10, 2008

	Wild elephants block Sri Lankan polls. Democrats seen taking notes for future excuses, lawsuits	(56)
	Married couple returns home from vacation just in time to catch the news conference regarding their own deaths	(78)
	Man who jumped out of a cab to avoid paying the fare gets hit by both instant karma and an oncoming car	(64)
	"Stephen King, bikinis help heat Maine." Never have you been so thankful for a comma	(111)
(Some Guy)	100 year old gets driver's license renewed for another 8 years, hangs onion on belt as was customary at the time	(93)
(Some Guy)	A missing prisoner is "on the lam," not "on the lamb," unless he escaped in a herd of sheep; usage debate rages on, divides townies	(88)
	British soldier whips 150 Taliban singlehandedly, survives fight by hiding behind big brass balls. Super-duper extra special Fark quote: "They started it."	(439)
(Some Guy)	Heather Locklear survives her suicide attempt that never happened. Whew, that was close	(94)
(Las Vegas Review Journal)	Not News: Police create hot line to report crime to officers directly. News: Callers complain no one is answering. FARK: Turns out it's because someone lost the phone	(32)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this driver gearing up for a race	(77)
	School's safety officer handcuffs two 4-year-old boys and threatens to take them to jail because they wouldn't take a nap. "When you go to jail, you're not going to have no fun, no TV, no toys."	(127)
(HuffPo)	Obama addresses the question that has been plaguing many people: In what bizarro world does the second place candidate ask the first place candidate to be her Vice President? (with video goodness)	(660)
(The Local.de)	Angela Merkel says there should be "no uncertainty" that Germany's armed forces will remain in northern Afghanistan. So they're moving south, right? Or are they staying put? Damned German double negatives	(72)
(Franklin County Times)	Not News: Woman throws trash on the side of the highway. News: Trash was used to manufacture meth. Fark.com: Woman leaves her mail in the same trash bag, which leads cops to her door	(41)
	Cybersex "expert" reveals she has never had cybersex. Photo reveals that maybe she has never had real sex	(149)
(NME)	The Game released from The Jail after serving The Eighth of The Sentence	(147)
	USA pledges to help modernize Polish military, replace screen doors on submarine fleet	(192)
	Governor Elliot admits he spritzed 'er, but doesn't resign	(577)
(Buffalo News)	Key words from this article: "Dyngus", "girls", "poles", "swat", "romantic", "pussy"	(121)
	"Sources" say NY Governor to quit over sex scandal	(261)
	Florida Marlins facing protests over pitcher who shoot hogs from helicopters	(189)
	"Hundreds of dogs, many dressed as babies or clowns, were taken to celebrate mass."	(76)
	New York Governor involved in a prostitution ring. "He had pledged to bring ethics reform and end the often seamy ways of Albany."	(737)
	Star Jones dumps husband because he "spent their marriage riding her success", which is a strange nickname for a dildo	(166)
(Some Physicist)	Question: if your barn roof has partially collapsed on your cows from heavy snow, how many volunteer firefighters does it take to collapse the rest of it on your other cows? Answer: 3	(40)
	Consumers are concerned about inflation, so they're taking drastic measures, like not going to Starbucks for a whole week	(221)
	When you weigh 800 pounds and need a forklift and a flatbed to get you to a picnic, you should make sure the truck fits under the overpass	(174)
	George Clooney denies getting plastic surgery on his face, but says he had his balls "ironed" to remove the wrinkles	(156)
	Georgia city commissioner pushes ordinance that outlaws firing a gun to celebrate holidays after his cable box is shot up by party-goers	(68)
	If your medical records show up in a surplus store in Utah, guess what state you're in	(37)
(Bloomberg)	Latest bond investment numbers indicate that Bond dealers think that Bernanke has lost control over inflation and couldn't find his own ass with written directions and a mirror	(130)
	Who knew a state-ordered trip to the morgue would reconnect Lindsay Lohan with her Disney roots?	(147)
(WTVQ)	Kentucky lawmaker wants to r-u-n-n-o-f-t largest website in the state. Drew looking forward to moving Fark to the Cayman Islands	(418)
	It's official, Chuck Norris is declared a WMD and according to US military, "the only WMD in Iraq."	(182)
(Engadget)	TSA agent doesn't believe MacBook Air is real, causing owner to miss flight. Calls his buddies on his Zach Morris phone to come check it out	(277)
	Teen's life ended by a speedbump. The teen was car surfing while riding in a shopping cart and holding onto an SUV, but still	(208)
	Seattle man calls cops to recover $170 he paid to a hooker who walked out on him	(83)
(Some Beantown Farkers)	UPDATE: 2nd Annual Boston St. Patricks' Pub Crawl on Mar 15. Link goes to signup. Details, route in thread. Come get wicked drunk	(96)
	Officials at the Church of England have written a good-sex guide for their parishioners, most of whom had never heard of Dutch rudders	(129)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these colored rubbers	(93)
(Some Poor Guy)	If you're "only" worth a million, you're too poor to be rich	(374)
	Australian archeologists believe they have found the grave of Ned Kelly, the country's most notorious bandit and one of the first to learn that homemade body armor is usually lacking	(61)
	1943: American Pilot shot down over Papua New Guinea, 1963: He returns and builds a school, a few generations later children still know his name	(123)
	Cruise ship captain is being probed by race relations chiefs for upsetting Germans... by banning towels on sunbeds?	(122)
	Sydney police commander praises the excellent work of his officers after they left the keys of their van in the ignition and allowed a suspect to drive off in it	(10)
	Woman missing from cruise ship after suddenly becoming agitated and jumping overboard. That's her boyfriend's story and he's sticking to it	(67)
	The Burberry burkha unveiled in Britain (pics)	(83)
	Of all the things you could get into the Guinness book for, you'd think "World's Longest Ear Hair" would be among the ickiest. And you'd be correct (pic)	(54)
	"Suspicious liquids" eyed in attempt to bring down airliner. That must have been a lot of 3-ounce bottles in a bunch of 1-quart plastic bags	(44)
(WCAU-10)	Homeless woman trying to cadge a free cup of coffee from McDonald's gets in scrap with Amtrak policeman, who is shot in the foot with his own gun. That's the Amtrak Police, the last defense between you and the terrorists	(70)
(Some Guy)	Family forced into bankruptcy by government over unpaid taxes of $1.50	(78)
	Barack Obama says he will NOT run on Dem ticket as vice president	(352)
	If you can't preface any discussion about your collection without saying "Some people think I'm crazy, but ..." first, chances are you're crazier than a shiathouse rat	(45)
	UK to introduce £2,000 tax on new vehicles considered to be "gas guzzlers". Including cars like Jaguars and Range Rovers. Which are made in Britain. Oops	(109)
(SB Sun)	Hundreds found dead after hit-and-run collision at cemetery	(29)
	Prank (prāngk) n. A mischievous trick or practical joke. See also: repeatedly putting a condom on Noah Webster's phallic shaped extended finger	(32)
	Vatican updates its talking points for the 21st century, tells people if they don't recycle, they're going to hell	(124)
(Some Guy)	Austrians mark 70th anniversary Anschluss, presumably by throwing another shrimp on the barbie and opening a can of Fosters	(136)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy on a ladder	(59)
	Come for the vasectomies, stay for the NCAA hoops. Bonus free bag of frozen peas to boot	(63)