Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-03-09 23:59:59'

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Sun March 09, 2008

	Australia has six submarines but only three crews to man them, since they can't find enough Australian men willing to go months undersea without a beer	(16)
	Innocent man in prison for 26 years. Thank you, attorney-client privilege	(77)
	Leona Helmsley's clothes to be auctioned off. You can still smell the misanthropy on them	(20)
(Some Guy)	Busybody wants to protect his precious snowflakes from foul language...in a park	(216)
	The roar of the crowd at a football match inspires a retired greyhound to do four laps around the stadium - for which she gets a standing ovation	(65)
	News: Woman returns $30,000 in cash to its rightful owner. Fark: Even though she found the money in a donation's basket. Bonus: Even though her mother needed it for an eye operation	(66)
	Several states facing shortage of vets. Upon hearing the report Bush promises to start more wars	(104)
	Mormon missionaries in trouble for taking photos of themselves "mocking" Catholics	(170)
	It is now illegal to french kiss a child in Virginia, ruining family reunions for thousands	(90)
	If you've bought a novelty gun-shaped cigarette lighter, don't take it out and wave it around at your local McDonald's	(36)
(Some B&W Guy)	Photoshop this man holding a bottle of something	(76)
	China will launch the "world's most luxurious train", with interior standards of a 5-star hotel, on route from Beijing to Lhasa. Free Tibet	(139)
(Some Guy)	Coming soon: The First Cathedral of Gas 'N' Munch	(92)
	Bush sings song about leaving D.C. and moving back to Texas; initial reports indicate his singing sucks, but the applause was deafening	(107)
	Man crashes and dies in race. An Illegal Soapbox Federation race	(61)
(OC Register)	Man takes 47 years to find his lost love, reach second base	(47)
	What do you get if you put 1,000 people in green tights and lycra in a castle?	(73)
	Meowschwitz	(340)
	Israeli Army claims that playing Dungeons & Dragons is a sign of mental and moral inferiority	(245)
(FreeRice)	Here's a timewaster that may make you smarter, or at least help you create better headlines	(150)
	Forget your ipod, mp3 or CD player: vinyl records are making a comeback	(291)
	"According to one report militants who were killed earlier this year planning an attack set to begin on August 8." O'RLY? Zombie militants?	(59)
	Consumer Reports lists the 11 worst cars of the year. Ford's been paying their bills - just one model on the list, a Mercury at #11	(268)
	Ugly ass bug-eyed spot-nosed guenon born at central Florida zoo. Bonus pic AND video freakiness	(13)
	"A camera that can see through people’s clothing at distances of up to 80ft has been developed" and will certainly not be misused for any reason	(59)
	A 19-year-old medic from Texas is the second woman since WWII to earn the Silver Star	(150)
(Some Guy)	Very cool picture of the Earth at night	(155)
	Photoshop theme: Trading cards for political figures	(49)
(Honolulu Star-Bulletin)	What Hawaii newspapers print on slow news days: People love watching lava flows	(36)
(Some Guy)	The ten most badass swords in history. "They took our freedom, but they can't take this really cool sword"	(282)
	Beer and wine samples? In MY grocery store? It's more likely than you think	(105)
	"I just thought the lion wanted to play when it attacked me and tried to snap my brainstem." w/ Safe For Breakfast pics of cute victim	(124)
(Some Bunnay)	The rabbit whispers, says "We all must celebrate Bunday" Let us celebrate	(162)
	China thwarts terror attack planned for the Olympic Games, gets a 9.0 from all the judges	(107)
(tmz)	Pro-life group chanted anti-abortion slogans at the premiere of "Horton Hears a Who," apparently not aware of the difference between a cinematic abortion and a literal one	(657)
	Hundreds of Russian fishermen stranded on ice floe, now wishing they hadn't spent the day with those ice holes	(30)
	Why you should read your fortune BEFORE you burgle two Chinese restaurants	(33)
	Urologist subjects patients to unnecessary treatment; found guilty by jury of pee-ers	(33)
	You know that 'hyphenating your maiden name and married name' thing? Sometimes it's just not a good idea (18-pic slideshow)	(201)
	Today's mom-banging-basketball-team story brought to you by Vacaville, CA. (with "DO NOT WANT SUNTAN" mugshot)	(133)
(Some Dusty Thingy)	Photoshop this thingy	(57)
	Margaret Thatcher is home from hospital after have some work done to her titanium endoskeleton. Expected to live for 128 years on existing power cell	(94)
(Some Founder)	Come for the geekiness, stay for the beer. The Portland Fark Party is underway, if anyone can still make it -- LGT venue, DIT	(37)

Sat March 08, 2008

	Body found packed in dry ice at hotel. First responders didn't want to move the body due to the high minibar prices	(83)
	School district considers adding one more standard test that students are bound to fail at	(87)
(Niagara Gazette)	"Reliable sources say he announced his arrival to face trespassing charges by entering the Court Clerk’s office and uttering, 'Van Halen in the house'"	(31)
	Hotshot lawyer loses $1 million in casinos, dips into clients' funds to gamble more, loses everything, and then files a lawsuit for $20 million against casinos, because it's not her fault. "They had a duty of care to me"	(223)
	Serbian government going out of business, all items 90% off, everything must go	(244)
	Today's Fark-ready headline: "John Denver karaoke sparks Thai killing spree"	(126)
	Maryland police say the county should pay their speeding tickets because they were driving county-owned cars	(95)
	Everyone knows about this, so why do they keep writing these stupid articles every year? Yes, it's time for Daylight Savings. We know, we know, so shut up already	(179)
(Some What)	Photoshop this um... dentist?	(54)
	Britain placed on high alert, expecting to be "bombed" tomorrow night. By an "explosive storm." I say, shall we all panic? Quite	(123)
	If you ever wondered what the Addams family wedding was like, it might have been a bit like this	(99)
	Kashmir suspends killing stray dogs. Robert Plant's dog now sitting with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen	(99)
	If you think your luck's bad - try having a brain tumor removed, then having your car stolen and finding it with the thieves inside, only to watch hapless police bungle the arrest and your car end up totalled. In the same week	(112)
	Pretty much the greatest news story ever published	(171)
	Congressman slams FAA, says they are too cozy with the airlines and they need to "clean house from top to bottom." Now he'll never see his luggage ever again	(64)
(Pew Pew Pew Research)	Sixty percent of 'net users say they are "not worried" about how much information is available about them online. Where's a good facepalm when you need one?	(151)
	In what may be the end of modern civilization as we know it, man creates online fantasy fishing league and wants Hulk Hogan to help him promote the ultimate downfall of humanity into a cesspit of apathy and sloth	(53)
	Tennessee may finally allow wine sales in grocery stores. Prohibition surrenders	(113)
(NewsChannel5)	Proposed bill would require paternity tests for all newborns in Tennessee. Maury Povich considers move to Memphis	(281)
(Gimundo)	Russian general who resisted pushing the button - the pretty, shiny button - barely getting by on meager pension. It's not nukes, it's Fark.com	(167)
	If you planned to take a train in the UK after Easter, you might want to rethink your plans	(28)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these red-devil jumpers	(54)
	Britain proposes reducing speed limits and saturating highways with speed cameras - setting aside one lane where you can pay to drive 70 instead of 60	(98)
	Everything you think you know about plastic bags is false. The world is round again	(133)
	There's a major celebrity paternity battle brewing in Germany, involving millions of euros in revenue, regional pride, and one incredibly cute ... polar bear?	(15)
	British dishes like toad in the hole and spotted dick becoming extinct as even Brits refuse to eat them	(140)
	Police statistics confirm there are more car accidents the Mondays after the "spring ahead" time change. It's not snooze, it's Fark.com	(38)
	If at first you don't succeed... Baltimore cell phone ban for motorists finally moves to Senate floor after 10 years of trying	(50)
	Simon's Cat in "Let Me In". Perfect entertainment for Caturday	(578)
(King 5 News)	Not News: Clinton runs attack ad involving a "red phone." News: The ad uses stock footage from 8 years ago. Fark: The girl in the stock footage wants Obama to pick up the red phone (w/video interview)	(229)
	Homeless man believes he can best Henry Earl's record, "arrested for the 452nd time this week" (w/mugshot)	(49)
(Kent Online)	Mysterious black leopard reported to be roaming around graveyard in England. I WANT TO BEREAVE	(45)
(Some Guy)	Man tries to clean up by holding up a bookie with a can of furniture spray, but his performance was less than polished	(29)
	Milk cows have difficulty adjusting to daylight-saving time. It's not moos, it's Fark.com	(40)
	Photoshop a magazine advertisement for a flying car	(43)
(Some Guy)	Two 14-year-old boys kicked out of school for taking Viagra. It was the hardest punishment they ever gave	(68)
(Winnipeg Free Press)	Not News: Group can't afford lawyer for public inquiry. Fark: It's the Bar Association	(32)
	I am SO tired of hearing people who survive being buried alive by breathing air trapped in their hat, then get rescued and thank Buddhist breathing techniques	(72)
(Some Guy)	Short women found to live longer, listen to more jokes that start, "Hey, as long as you're down there ..."	(109)
	Cuties, uglies, t-shirts with catchy slogans, a nipple slip, unfortunate facial hair, and patriotism - all this and more can be found in this week's mugshot roundup	(206)

Fri March 07, 2008

	Man gets $321 ticket for feeding the dolphin in the Banana River; surprisingly, that's not a euphemism	(60)
	If you’re going to park your tank to buy more vodak, the people across the street would like to kindly remind you to set the parking brake	(89)
	Bush to veto legislation barring use of waterboarding. Heard to exclaim "hey, what do those guys have against surfing anyway?"	(612)
	Denver schoolteachers play hooky on disinterested students	(55)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this mysterious island	(82)
(Some Guy)	A brawl involving 10-15 people, a tasering, and five arrests? Just an average night at the local Waffle House	(79)
(995fm.com)	"I am a vagina-friendly mayor"	(128)
	Mother of the year candidate arrested after her four-year-old daughter shows up to school drunk	(103)
	Columbian Rebel killed by his own security team. It's not news, it's FARC	(62)
	Nearly 30 cats taken from home filled with huge piles of trash, but really, this article was only greenlit for the mugshot	(149)
(Some Drunk)	What's that, Lassie? A woman got drunk, crashed her SUV, and fell down a 30-foot well?	(22)
	80-year-old woman punches cop several times, wiggles out of her handcuffs and throws them out the window of the police car. This is a buddy cop movie just waiting to happen	(31)
	List of Thwarted Terror Attacks Since Sept. 11	(422)
	Crime in Oslo, Norway, is four times that of New York, featuring high rates of robbery, car theft, and assault with a deadly herring	(87)
	New best state to speed in: Connecticut	(100)
	Entire Virginia town forgets to vote	(71)
	"If anyone doubts that Obama's supporters engage in cult-like behavior, try pointing out that they engage in cult-like behavior."	(589)
	Fark.com gets Dugg by someone who has never heard of Fark, threatening collapse of space-time continuum	(244)
(Some Guy)	Throwing a rock through the back window of a police cruiser? Ten days in jail and $1,100. Arrested wearing your Slash t-shirt? Priceless	(93)
(Some Guy)	Amy Whinehouse has a new party trick: Step 1, Set vodak on fire. Step 2: snort it	(273)
(Science Daily)	University of Florida burn experts found that 69 percent of the 155 pediatric foot and ankle burns they reviewed were caused by children walking on hot ashes, coals and embers. So, I guess the take home message is don't walk on fire, kids	(83)
(Enviroment Times)	Cardboard clothes hanger may replace 100 million landfilled wire ones, would certainly have made the beatings from Joan Crawford less traumatizing	(104)
	You find a bag with $15,000 in it in the middle of the road. Do you A) Keep it, spend it, love it? B) Donate it to charity? C) Return it to the woman who lost it after leaving it on top of her car and driving off?	(316)
	State ethics commission rules that state legislators are allowed to act like complete douchebags	(198)
	Not news: Man walks out on his wife. Fark.com: She burns their 400 cellphones	(47)
(Some Stumptowner)	A Fark Party in Portland on Saturday / is a good way to end this week's Caturday / So come out for some booze / come mingle and schmooze / Bring your favorite meme and cliche	(83)
(Some Guy)	Justin Timberlake’s “My Problem With Women” first episode titled “They Don’t Have Penises”	(81)
	New Britney Spears pregnancy speculation. Or maybe she's just a fat redneck	(127)
	Key West street performer "Gold Man" arrested, in costume, for selling crack to undercover cop. With mug shot, police evidence photo hilarity	(133)
	The "scientific research" which Japan uses as a justification for its continued whaling includes such vital questions as "is it possible to cross-breed a whale and a cow?"	(86)
	Substitute teacher pleads guilty to having sex with the world’s luckiest 14-year-old (w/ pic)	(446)
	Apparently New York has the toughest anti-masturbation laws in the country	(116)
	Florida bank begins foreclosure proceedings on man's house while he's in England, changes locks and empties pool before discovering he didn't have a mortgage with them	(93)
(Some slow learner)	Drug Dealing 101 (again): "If you have 12 lbs of pot and $100K in the car, don't speed. Because you might lose the 6,700 lbs you've got in your basement, too	(88)
	Deputies stop naked man who was stalking an alligator, thus depriving Fark of an even better story	(28)
(Some President)	Photoshop Mount Rushmore	(72)
	British House of Lords votes to abolish their god-damned blasphemy laws	(52)
	Police arrest 10 at video porn store. People still go out for porn? What about the internets?	(98)
	Obama foreign policy advisor calls Hillary Clinton a "monster". Later apologizes to Godzilla, Rodan and Count Orlok for making the comparison	(538)
(Some Guy)	Newspapers prove they aren't dead by redesigning to include "Why are you smiling?" Q&As with random people on the street and 'brag book' Sunday section of reader-submitted baby photos	(46)
(Some Spiegel)	Nobody thought anyone could beat the Belgians at packing children into car trunks, until this Romanian family came along	(53)
	Lincoln's Log stardate 1865.4.15, The natives are getting restless here but seem to relax when I scribble on the papers they offer me. I think I shall go see a show	(49)
(Some Amazon)	The comments for Playmobil's new Airport Security Check Point at Amazon are giving Tuscan whole milk a run for its money	(164)
	"Sexual attractiveness, as behavioral scientists are discovering, is for the most part based on the amount of social capital a person possesses"	(304)
	Good: New Jersey legislators want to prepare kids for real life. Fark: by testing them for steroids from age 12	(44)
	Realizing his tank and thirty-seven troops will get crushed by Columbia's hardened army, Chavez calls for cooling tensions	(238)
(Rasmussen)	Poll: 54% of Americans aware of Daylight Savings Time on Sunday. Ha, 46 percent will be early to church. Or late. It's spring back, right, like foam springs back?	(205)
(wigantoday)	Breakfast radio show host inadvertently creates the best hour on radio	(141)
	Swiss government tackles catastrophic Brazilian cow gut shortage crisis	(30)
	Police seize 40 pounds of low quality pot "worth" about $40,000. Wait, what?	(182)
(AOL)	America Online gives us a list of 20th century brands that will fizzle out soon	(228)
	Officials say there's no link between bombing of Army recruiting station in Times Square and letters sent to Congress saying "We did it". It was just a "coincidence"	(62)
	General says Al Qaeda may be plotting to attack US. Also says sun may be plotting a rise, rain may be plotting a fall, and dog may be plotting getting a steak	(91)
	Study groups are now considered cheating	(213)
	Driving instructor who wasn't driving gets a DUI when his blood-alcohol tests three times the legal limit, claims he was teaching a lesson on designated driving	(51)
	Britain cancels plans to introduce carpool lane due to safety fears. Driving on the wrong side of the road still okay, though	(52)
(Some Floridian)	Mother accused of power-washing her two-year old daughter at a car wash turns herself in. Police marvel at how shiny and clean the two-year old is	(161)
	Men dress up as cowboys in order to steal doughnuts, and then it gets stupid	(33)
	Colorado Springs police solve a murder case. Fark: committed in 1893	(73)
(Some Appalachian)	Photoshop these old timers and their relaxing break	(63)
	Athol pithed	(124)
	Thieves are stealing beehives in California. To the Beemobile!	(76)
	8-year-old Brazilian boy passes law school entrance exam, will sue the crap out of anyone who makes that brazilion joke	(70)
	People turning away free surgery in the Nanny State just because there are dead, rotting rats littering the operating rooms	(122)
	Beer me up, Scotty	(58)
	Last living American WWI veteran honored at White House by fellow war hero	(140)
	With $15,000 on the line, 150 women race down the streets of Amsterdam in stiletto high heels. What could possibly go wrong?	(53)
	French hotel best known for serving Marmite to guests wins Michelin star. Australian hotels intrigued, would like to subscribe to the newsletter	(90)
	Grounded and caged for 27 years, a golden eagle named Methuselah has been taught to fly again	(51)
	French women turning into "sexual predators" on news that one in five young French men have no interest in having sex	(426)

Thu March 06, 2008

	Labrador plunges 115ft off cliff onto ocean, manages to land safely, swims to shore, farks a couple of biatches and demands filet mignon	(137)
	Pets in Wisconsin can now get restraining orders. Your dog would like you to stay 1,000 feet away unless you've got steak	(31)
	"Surprisingly, a decomposing bear foot has whole lot of similarities to a decomposing human foot" say cops. Darwin beggs to differ	(76)
	Woman tries to breakup with boyfriend by calling in fake bomb threats to his plane flight. "She believed he would leave her alone after finding out she made the calls". The two years in prison should assure that	(50)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Guy falls asleep in cinema during chick-flick. News: Wife leaves him there to teach him a lesson. Fark: Goes unnoticed by staff, locked in for the night	(99)
	NYPD releases video of Times Square bicycle bomber - all six pixels of him	(145)
	Power to Karachi, Pakistan's largest city, cut off after officials there prove no better at paying their bills than you	(31)
(Some Guy)	If you already have four drunk driving charges under your belt, you probably want to make sure you're not so intoxicated when you pick up your kids from daycare that other parents have to step over your body in the hallway	(59)
	Bush: America still not safe from terrorist attack. Americans: Thanks for nothing, a-hole	(700)
	Krispy Kreme offers to pay customers' mortgages for six months. That's a lot of doughnuts	(36)
	British-owned websites for a Spanish travel agency that are hosted in the Bahamas get shut down by the US Treasury Department	(35)
	French girl who sent a letter to her mother in heaven has it returned with a fine. Might want to send that in the other direction, mon amie	(86)
	"This is smurf war. We'd be happy to go head to head with Chester University in a smurf-off." (pic)	(53)
(Some Guy)	Wil needs 1000 true fans to ensure he can make a living from his work, 999 Wesley4Eva T-shirts left in stock	(130)
	Denver voters made it clear last November that they don’t want police spending time and resources busting people who smoke marijuana ... so why are marijuana arrests up?	(235)
	California thinks homeschool isn't cool, and rules to make it harder for parents to teach kids at home	(499)
	If you live near Vienna and are naked, an American artist is requesting your services	(24)
	Student sues school for letting him graduate. You're doing it wrong	(64)
(Ealing Times)	Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, except maybe a karate expert woman scorned. She hath TONS of fury	(88)
	Assault charges filed against Mayor of Austin. "I do not have a drinking problem, just an anger problem," said the hippie Mayor	(104)
	It's official: Banks now own more of America than we do	(157)
	If you're going to tamper with restaurant food to try to get it for free, don't leave your bag of worms behind	(39)
	C is for cookie, that's good enough for me. Now hand over the goddamned cookie and you won't get cut	(42)
	German monk confuses monasticism for onanism, caught with 230 porno films	(71)
(Some Shopper)	Photoshop this shopper and her choices	(55)
	If anyone has seen any suspicious Shriners on stolen go-carts, please give the Virginia Beach police department a call	(30)
(Some Guy)	Most hittable governor in the country announces she got hit	(256)
	The Pentagon has banned Google Earth teams from making detailed street-level video maps of US military bases	(137)
	Norway is requiring companies to make 40% of their employees women, must fire men if necessary	(185)
	The real reason Southwest Airlines' fares are so low: their maintenance department consists of four flight attendants, a seeing-eye dog, and a case of cocktail olives	(127)
(Some Architect)	San Francisco's new federal building built without air conditioning and has an elevator that stops only at every third floor	(255)
	Farmers cleared over road accident caused by their cow's "exceptional jumping ability." Prosecution evidence of moon jump training, dish and spoon liason not allowed by court	(32)
	Headline: Boarding school is bad. Article: filled with quotes from successful people who boarded, stats about higher test scores, and famous folk who went to boarding school	(87)
	California town declares itself a 'cuss-free' zone. If you don't like it, you can go fark yourself	(264)
	Step 1: Drive to Seattle. Step 2: Get infected with malaria. Step 3: Profit	(98)
	Secret Service says Sikhs shan't shoulder shanks at summit with Pope. Sikh's say they shall shun summit	(159)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fop feigning fainting	(98)
(Some Partying TFette)	"There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook" Seattle Fark Party REMINDER, Elysian Brewing Company, Sat. March 8th, 8pm. (DIT, LGT Bar's Website)	(69)
	Grandma finds $5k at a flea market and proves that Floridians are idiots by giving it all back	(100)
	Video proof the the puppy was alive	(244)
(Some Guy)	Absolutely the most insane thing ever: Swimming on the very edge of Victoria Falls, a 100-meter drop. With pics and videos	(141)
	As it does every year at this time, the media finds itself flabbergasted, shocked and awed to discover a brewery making a few batches of green beer	(47)
	Hey buddy, can you spare a house?	(148)
	Survey shows few men bothered if wife brings home more bacon. Especially if she immediately cooks the bacon. Mmmm, bacon	(142)
	No more Caturdays, no more lolcats, you can't haz cheeseburger. New service pushes lolcats off the internets	(619)
(Some Guy)	Man's explanation for putting his girlfriend's children in a clothes dryer. "That's what I wanted to show my kids, is that you don't have to have money to have a good time. All you have to have is an imagination."	(79)
(Some Guy)	Jenny McCarthy urges medical community to accept her autism cure. It's expected to go over as well as Carmen Electra's AIDS vaccine from 1998	(397)
	That fly on the wall may be equipped with a camera	(50)
	Massachusetts wants to ban those homemade canvas signs welcoming home the troops from overpasses because they are dangerous, since they could fall on cars. He wants to hang heavy metal ones instead	(104)
	Caught doing 100mph in a 55 zone, teen sentenced by his mother to wear “I was stupid” sign	(114)
(WOOD TV 8)	Brian Fantana from the Channel 4 news team is OK. It's not a meth lab, he was just making a new batch of Sex Panther	(75)
(Flint Journal)	Woman who embezzles from Athletic Boosters Club gets caught when she stops going to meetings. Apparently she didn't use the money for plastic surgery. (with pic nastiness)	(39)
(Some Guy)	The worst alcohol shots ever created	(380)
	Another 21 dolphins react to the news that they are swimming off the Texas coast	(82)
	Kissing on the playground? Law-fearing teachers are keeping cops busy by reporting every lip-lock they see at recess. Seems kids as young as age 5 are getting in on the act	(327)
	Step One: Cut a hole in the box; Step Two: Put $150,000 of Iraqi reconstruction money in that box; Step Three: Have Customs seize that box when you ship it home	(111)
(WOAI)	Ways to avoid hearing "I'm bored" from kids over spring break; dog toys make list, duct tape doesn't	(89)
	In a move that surprises no one, former Halliburton subsidiary dodges $500 million in taxes	(172)
(Independent.ie)	Today's "WTF?" moment brough to you by William Hill Bookmakers, Crufts and an unnamed superdog	(66)
	It's no longer fun to stay at the \o/ \|'o'\| /o_ /o\	(99)
	The Vatican is putting priests who hear confession through a refresher course to tackle a recent crisis of confidence. Father Jack Hackett unavailable for comment	(142)
	New studies show that modern men are far more susceptible to nagging than their forebears	(612)
	If you've stolen a 4ft by 2ft container filled with liquid nitrogen, police would like a word with you ... before Darwin does	(85)
(Some Guy)	Man manages to get himself barred from every pub in the entire country	(65)
	Man who made a rude gesture at a policeman said he could not help it because he had just had a seizure	(45)
	When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Except for putting naked pictures of your ex-girlfriend on the internet. That's a jailing	(98)
	London to start padding lampposts to prevent texting pedestrian mishaps. If only there was a way for people to watch where they're going	(87)
	Ten reasons for astronauts to kill themselves in orbit, as selected by 14-year-old girl	(159)
	If you're on parole and have a suspended driver's license, it isn't a good idea to dress up as a cop, cruise the streets, and pull people over in your siren-equipped green pickup truck with personalized plates	(20)
	Yesterday's lack of Britney Spears trainwreck stories left some celebrity reporter with waaaay too much time on his hands. Behold: celebrity baldings	(48)
	Explosion at recruiting station in Times Square, subway and traffic diverted	(567)
(Some Nice Guy)	Photoshop this vain creature	(51)
(Northern Territory News)	Thief who stole two crocodiles and a monkey foils plan to blow up gas station, presumably by getting the monkey to steal the lighter off the arsonist while the crocodiles had him cornered. Your croc wants steak (or that sweet looking monkey)	(27)
	Douchebag parents sue douchebag school after douchebag administrators prevent douchebag student from being class secretary after douchebag student called them douchebags in her blog. Douchebag	(107)
(Pendle Today)	Today's fire safety tip: do not attempt to light your boiler with a blow torch	(27)
	Boriska, boy from Mars, still says that he remembers everything about Martian and Lemurian civilizations	(111)
	Use a certain swear word (or variations thereof) 73 times during a deposition? That’s $367 per F-bomb (or variations thereof) fine to the court	(83)
	Girl scout cookie sales have moved to eBay. Buyer beware, cookies not made from real girl scouts	(76)
	Today's 54 year old high school history teacher arrested for having four female students dress up in revealing "military garb" for a photo shoot brought to you by Sacramento, California	(138)
	The coolest furniture made from cardboard you'll see all day	(43)
(WSBTV.com)	Atlanta area restaurant scores a 13 (out of 100) on their health inspection. Turns out their version of turducken contains actual turds	(120)
(NZ Herald)	Woman's funeral interrupted when crazy estranged daughter shows up with posse and proceeds to steal corpse from hearse	(41)
	Cardigans make comeback as high-fashion item for men with both David Beckham and your dad proudly wearing them	(75)
(Some Guy)	Knife-wielding 77-year-old man known as "Crazy Ray" wanders onto church school campus and tells everyone he's sending them to hell (w/ mean-ol-cuss mugshot)	(76)
	Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman ups the alcohol content in shots so 'Utah won't appear so strange to the rest of the world'. Meanwhile, wine coolers still banned in Utah grocery stores	(103)
	Not news: woman washes 4-year-old girl. Fark: with a pressure washer at a car wash	(120)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 148: “Pictures at an Exhibition" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(316)

Wed March 05, 2008

(Some Guy)	Las Vegas health clinic re-used syringes and vials for four years, putting over 40,000 patients at risk of hepititis-C and HIV. What happens in Vegas, stays in your blood	(121)
	Ninee prsnt v clvvers hab heern damaj afer wun ni ow. I said, "90% OF CLUBBERS HAVE HEARING DAMAGE AFTER ONE NIGHT OUT"	(82)
(Graham Kerr)	Photoshop this food processor	(56)
	Cookies are not a valid form of currency, especially if you work in a government office collecting payments	(56)
	School officials try to thwart internet perverts by covering up the faces of students on the school's website with smiley faces	(107)
	A Russian bomber aircraft approached a U.S. aircraft carrier off the Korean coast on Wednesday and was intercepted by American fighter jets -- the second such incident in less than a month. Is it getting cold in here?	(262)
	A herb known as bitter vetch which was used by medieval royalty to make their mistresses lose weight could be used in the modern day battle against obesity. Duke's girlfriends sucked	(106)
	New strategy in war on drugs: Ban sale of tiny plastic bags	(215)
	Cemetery full. French mayor forbids citizens from dying. Dead people surrender	(63)
	Singing Danny Boy banned on St Patrick's Day because it's depressing and was written by an Englishman	(79)
	:..:..:. .. .:.. .::: :..:..:. .. .:.. .:::	(193)
(Citizen Sugar)	Weather Channel founder wants to sue Al Gore. An inconvenient suit?	(441)
	Dear Abby: I make too much money. Should I ask my boss for a pay cut? (last letter on page)	(149)
	Alabama becomes the butt of yet another joke as Birmingham officials consider purchasing laptops designed for third-world countries	(164)
	Wolverine spotted in Northern California Sierra Mountains, rest of X-Men pissed he blew their cover	(58)
(WMTW.com)	Quaker Oats is recalling Aunt Jemima Pancake and Waffle Mix products because of potential salmonella. NOBODY PANCAKE	(64)
(Springfield News-Leader)	Easily confused woman gets newspaper to give her column where she's paid for half-lucid rants against the post office. And then it gets weird	(98)
(Some Guy)	Rep confirms Patrick Swayze has terminal cancer. "Roadhouse" death trifecta now in play?	(341)
	There's a reason your cab driver seems to know so much about geopolitics	(71)
(Natural 20)	25 gaming euphemisms for the death of Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax	(273)
	If you're going to file a false insurance claim, don't let yourself be photographed for the local paper while shoveling snow off the roof of a school	(57)
	Bars try to get around no smoking law by staging Theater Night, where patrons are actors and cigarettes are props. State Health Officals disagree	(312)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)	If you recently were generous enough to make a donation of a box of grenades to Goodwill, the police think you're the bomb	(75)
	Help design an alternative EU coin	(54)
	If you lost your 150 pound tortise, the Tracy animal shelter would like to speak to you	(73)
(Some Guy)	Best (and longest) newspaper correction in human history. This one has everything	(137)
	Not really news: Horse lovers march to Congress asking for a ban on horse slaughter. Fark: complete with poll asking if you want to eat horse meat	(228)
(The Spoof)	Puppy executed by U.S. Marines was actually an Al Qaeda terrorist responsible for several attacks on coalition forces	(270)
	The UN decides it isn't worth the effort to send a strongly worded letter to Iran after all	(74)
(Lost Vegas Now)	Feds hope flushing three times will clean up grand canyon. Darned low-flow toilets	(101)
	Dept of Homeland Security issues an alert... about itself. If they keep this up they'll go blind. Seriously	(91)
(Jawa Report)	Wow, an undamaged Koran found in rubble created by Israeli missile, and it's totally not a staged photo op. Maybe Palestinians need to build their houses out of the Koran	(631)
(Some Stir-Stick)	If you're going to expose yourself to the coffee girl, you might not want to pay with a credit card (with "Was that wrong?" mugshot)	(148)
	Male news anchor tries pole dancing (with video)	(96)
	In a shocking surprise move, OPEC members decide they have absolutely nothing against $100/barrel oil	(345)
(journal-news.net)	Presidential perfume inspired by presidential front runners. Smell of defeat, shame, and triumph replaced with citrus, lavender, and a delicate floral blend of jasmine	(56)
	Search for bodies at abuse orphanage hampered by film crew building fake graveyard there in the 80s	(80)
(Some Guy)	Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer, five weeks left to spend outside of Whoopi Goldberg's body	(759)
	Hospital patient goes on a shopping trip - with all her drip apparatus in tow (with pic)	(41)
	Policeman fails to check Snopes, sends out dire warning to pupils and parents at 80 schools to warn them of the dangers of a drug which doesn't exist. Oops	(240)
	Venezuela moves their tank to the Columbian border	(363)
	Poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke harassment charges	(211)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Meatballs	(79)
	And when you're done with the dog, just mail it back in the envelope we provide	(88)
	Sexologist at a Russian hospital explains how astronauts will concieve a baby in the International Space Station. "Some fastening device on a wall is most likely to be used"	(405)
	Couple spends loads of money to have their one-legged chicken treated for cancer	(79)
	Three teenagers steal more than $22,000 from cinema, which translates into two candy bars, large popcorn and a medium drink	(61)
	German military report reveals excess of porcine privates, lardass lieutenants, and corpulent corporals	(82)
	Fisherman shocked that teasing a crocodile annoyed it. "I was shocked, the animal clearly wanted to kill me. One minute I was leaning over the boat teasing it for a picture..." The Sun is there with the photo	(92)
(Sunderland Echo)	The show must be too hot for TV if it causes the television to explode in flames	(29)
	Definition of tough: British army captain has his leg torn off in a toboggan accident, has it reattached. When told it could take two years before he can go back to active duty, he has it cut off again and gets fitted with a false one	(154)
	Having solved all the world's problems, the United Nations sends a strongly-worded memo to drug-taking celebrities	(59)
	Short and stout Malaysian woman jailed for worshipping giant two-story-high sacred teapot. Then it gets weird	(86)
	At what point does it cease being a "test drive" and become "auto theft"? 6200km? This guy needs to know	(56)
	Two heels steal a Meals on Wheels with some older-style zeal. What an ordeal. Try the veal	(37)
(KPTV-12)	If you've been placing red balloons & Nazi flags around Tigard, Oregon, the police would like to talk to you... or Nena	(94)
	Hillary messes with Texas, wins 3 out of 4 primaries	(1158)
(WKYT)	Nothing says "I've got my act together" quite like getting arrested on your way to a court appearance, drunk... and dressed like Elvis	(34)
(NWA Morning News)	Cop suspended 10 days over taser incident. Fark: involved attempted tasering of cow. Bonus: cow unharmed, cop ended up tasing himself	(71)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this odd man out	(79)
	New archives reveal Abe Lincoln considered "gradual emancipation", to buy slaves for $400 apiece	(113)
	1 aerosol can + 1 garbage burning pit = 170 acres of fail	(34)

Tue March 04, 2008

	Super Tuesday II discussion thread, part IV	(721)
(Some Guy)	Guy tells police he didn't spit on his girlfriend, he "gleeked"	(104)
	Hillary wins Ohio	(766)
	City council hopes to get $2mil for selling their baseball stadium. Fark: kindergardener's hand-scrawled note offering $5.00 only bid. Awesome: He just might wind up with it, after all	(56)
	Super Tuesday II discussion thread: Take Three (Closed. See new thread)	(1303)
	McCain clinches GOP nomination	(116)
(Some Guy)	Huckabye	(114)
(Poughkeepsie Journal)	Introducing the yoga clown: for when you want the kids at your child's birthday party to be terrified, but in a mellow way	(79)
	Midwest Airlines Genuine Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough will be coming soon to a grocery store near you. It will most likely get lost enroute, show up late, lose the directions for baking and not give a damn	(80)
	Huntington, New York fires the latest salvo in the War on Silly String	(41)
(FMQB)	This week, after more than 30 years, the Supreme Court may reopen the debate over what constitutes an "indecent" broadcast. "According To Jim" fans should be very worried	(99)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these towels	(75)
	Super Tuesday II discussion thread (CLOSED)	(1116)
	Minority of health experts say it's okay to be fat. One expert said: I'M RICH AND I'M DEAD SEXY	(139)
	Anti-shark device eaten by shark during testing. No word if Sharper Image will be doing their marketing	(119)
	First wolf found in Massachusetts in 160 years. Don't worry though, a farmer killed it	(274)
(Palm Beach Post)	Actual headline: Giant bunny draws attention of police as well as drivers on I-95	(133)
	Airline delays worsened in January after an abysmal 2007. If you're flying today, you're probably reading this while waiting for your flight to finally board two hours late	(154)
	Oregon conducts lottery where prize is health insurance. If it works out, will be expanded to game show will pit poor contestants against one another to compete for other necessities	(495)
	Seeking to deescalate the border crisis, Colombia is asks the ICC to indict Prezident Chavez for genocide	(170)
(RADAR)	Rush Limbaugh did not mean to compare Barack Obama to the monkey Curious George live on the radio. Claims to know many other Georges who are curious and not monkeys	(997)
(Some Latent Guy)	An increasing number of criminals are cutting off their fingertips to obscure their fingerprints. If only there were something they could use to temporarily obscure their prints during the commission of a crime	(89)
	Five YouTube videos show American soldiers at their worst	(775)
	Red Sox scout arrested for masturbating in public, oh the shame he's now a Yankee for life	(130)
(News Groper)	Hugo Chavez accidentally funds social news aggregator FARK	(69)
	Plane makes emergency landing on golf course. The emergency? Pilot's son is late for tennis practice	(143)
(Some Stumptowner)	Portland Farkers: Let's show those Seattle Farkers what for -- make sure you come to the Portland Fark Party this Saturday, March 8. LGT the venue	(118)
	"One of the very useful things that the war on drugs provides is a dragon for politicians to slay. But they never slay it. "	(120)
(Some Guy)	Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons & Dragons, has failed his saving throw vs. death	(1092)
	30 days. 30 robberies. Like Jenny Craig, but without the weight loss and with guns	(32)
	Hamas declares victory. Israel congratulates them, wishes them many more such victories	(545)
	Porn laws in Fifties Britain banned any movement; the naked girls on stage had to stand completely still	(83)
	Chicago cop continues to uphold the department's outstanding tradition of off-duty behavior by breaking tables in a bar, spitting on a paramedic, getting tasered, having 3 times the legal limit of alcohol in his system	(113)
	Knowing that the police don't often devote a lot of resources into finding stolen cars, one man comes up with a unique solution. Jailarity ensues	(55)
	The latest bit of idiot psychobabble that will be making the rounds on morning talk shows and giving vapid suburban housewives new issues to whine about: momnesia	(244)
	Robhgien ruoy oottat ouy ekam yam s’remiehzlA	(149)
	Democracy means you can vote for anyone. War means you voted for the wrong people	(327)
(Ha'aretz)	The truth comes out: Moses was tripping balls on Mt. Sinai	(530)
(CERN)	Photoshop this super-collider	(53)
	Controversial new YouTube video shows American airmen having good old-fashioned fun in their barracks - drinking some beers, doing the robot, snorting coke… wait, what?	(132)
(Some Guy)	Another heart-rending, gritty memoir of a woman's life struggles is exposed as complete, utter bullshiat	(94)
	Prince Harry "expendable," claims US news host	(82)
	Man who pulled a drowning boy from a pond discovered he was the son of a man he had rescued from the same water 20 years ago	(73)
	Japanese actress gets trespassing conviction overturned after she proved her breasts were too big to have fit through the window she is alleged to have crawled through. Insert your own "hard look at the evidence" joke here	(121)
	Brett Favre finally puts a fork in his ass	(512)
	Dumb: US military sent classified emails detailing -- among other things -- Air Force One's flight plans to a civilian. Fark: Even after being told, they kept doing it	(95)
(BulldogRadio.com)	The Rude Awakening Show stages a Drew Curtis intervention this morning at 9:40am eastern. Call in and add your voice at 877-723-9626. Listen live via the link	(34)
(Sunderland Echo)	Spurned lover in the dog house. Literally	(25)
	Buddhist monks told to stop using social networking Web sites to woo women. What is the sound of one hand fapping?	(64)
(The Age)	It's only March, but here's the international Sports Photo of the Year	(117)
	Actor who appears naked on a poster for the Royal Opera House is considering legal action because he claims the image has been distorted to shrink a certain part of his anatomy	(83)
	Beer drinking, 101-year-old plumber with 17 children to run the London Marathon. What are you slackers doing this weekend?	(86)
	Meet the only 24-hour pub in all of Britain. Submitter will drink to them	(26)
	"Hi, I'm your neighbor. Could I borrow a cup of sugar, two eggs, and a gun to kill my husband?"	(31)
(WHKY.com)	I'll see your "political argument gets all stabby" article and raise you a "political argument gets all baseball batty" article, plus mugshot goodness	(32)
	Man gives his landlord a hand during eviction process	(24)
	How Britain tried to exploit the Führer's supposed superstitions by hiring an astrologer as a secret weapon	(42)
	Not news: Australia declares war on flying foxes. Fark: with garbage cans	(29)
(Some Guy)	Woman busted for not wearing pants and flashing her breasts at a group of guys in a public park, which sounds pretty hot until you realize she's fifty and a crack addict	(34)
	If you fail to carjack someone, it might be best to avoid sitting on a public bus with a shotgun in your lap(w/pic)	(51)
	Getting knocked out can cause brain tissue loss. Also, getting knocked out can cause brain tissue loss	(61)
	Interactive timeline of British history, from the introduction of farming techniques to same-sex civil partnerships	(30)
	Vanishing species, vacuum repair guy, neighborhood fixture closes door after 50 years. That sucks	(47)
	Photoshop theme: Lesser-known award statues	(59)
(The Indy Channel)	25-year old mother of the year candidate watches "American Idol" while her unattended 3-year old nearly drowns in the bathtub. She could have at least been watching "Lost" instead	(70)
	Hidden punishment chambers, human remains found in former children's home, with haunting message written on wall: "I've been bad for years and years."	(157)
	Wales is suffering from a teenage suicide epidemic, most likely because they're forced to pronounce a language that sounds like tortured camels	(70)
(Honolulu Advertiser)	Puppy-throwing Marine believed to be Hawaii based. Yeah, the Marine Corps is pissed and starting a full investigation	(546)

Mon March 03, 2008

(Norwich Bulletin)	News: Students pack knives to school, get charged with conspiracy to commit first-degree assault. Fark: Students are 7 and 8 years old	(43)
	Fur is making a comeback. Suck it, PETA	(150)
	Eat a whale, save the planet	(123)
	If you got a Sharper Image gift card for Christmas it's now worthless	(143)
	Five-hour gun battle near the U.S. border that left a police officer and one of the suspected criminals dead brought to you by Tijuana, Mexico..or as we locals call it Southern San Diego	(149)
	Busy Britons stopping for groceries can now add doctor's appointment to their shopping list	(20)
	If you live in San Jose, CA and lost a 5-lb bag of weed, contact the "Green Team" recyclers. Claimants must describe the item and bring rolling papers, a lighter and "Dark Side Of the Moon" or "Led Zeppelin IV"	(108)
	67,000 child catapults recalled	(79)
(In Georgia No Less)	Judge orders woman to repay man $14K in child support after DNA proves child isn't his	(346)
	Florida, for one, welcomes their new termite overlords	(30)
	Fresh from Afghanistan, Prince Harry suggests that Jamie Oliver may be able to improve the British Army's cuisine. Today's Iron Chef ingredients: Goat and rooster	(49)
	Sign reading "I'm going to blow up this bus" not the best thing to display in school bus. Fashioning your T-shirt as a turban also not particularly smart	(36)
(My Fox Memphis)	Six bodies, 3 injured children found in Memphis neighborhood shooting	(219)
	Those pricey Monster Cables you bought don't sound any better than the free-range coat-hangers you have breeding in your closet	(333)
	Your tax dollars hard at work: FDA warns people not to swallow inhalers	(50)
(Some Oinker)	Bacon-flavored vodak, the drink of the gods	(142)
(Do I smell popcorn?)	Best ad for a computer monitor you'll see all day (ad was pulled, LGT screencap)	(107)
(NewsChannel 9)	Whiffle ball is apparently serious busines at McCallie. That's where a whiffle ball game led to a serious assault at the same fancy private school Ted Turner attended	(49)
	Gunman reported at Appalacian State University. Submitter's brother just called from his locked-down dorm, then phone died. Anyone at ASU, what the hell is happening?	(337)
(Some Guy)	"What plagues the news industry is the failure of the business model and the inability to adapt it to something current to this century"	(80)
	Family dinners "a thing of the past" as only one in five families eats meals together	(181)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this boardroom table	(47)
(That's MS Engineer to you)	Because Title IX controls have done so well with sports, Congress looks into applying them to science and engineering majors	(503)
(Some Wino)	New Zealand wineries building private air force to help protect your inalienable right to a cheap Shiraz	(37)
	Man in suit kills one, shoots four others at a West Palm Beach Wendy's, does not get fries with that	(288)
	Hillary Clinton tries to look more human by having a beer in front of the media. Later seen belching fire, bending girders	(331)
(Bloomberg)	Regime change clock is ticking: Seized laptop files show Chavez funded FARC, rebels sought uranium	(260)
	Masked men rob steal $30,000 from topless bar in Mt. Vernon. Police ask citizens to be on the lookout for people paying for everything in singles	(95)
	Yah guys, maybe find some coin	(98)
	Army colonels switch identities to fake results of paternity test, may have seen one too many episodes of MAS*H	(100)
	Wikipedia founder Jimbo Wales dumps his stalker Fox News girlfriend stalker Rachel Marsden on Wikipedia, but only after forcing changes to her stalker bio removing the whole stalker thing. (POV) (cite)	(131)
	Chicago Fark Party Reminder: Saturday, March 29th. Bottle Bar. Make your plans to be here for the next great Chicago Fark Party LGN DIT	(134)
	Finnish company is attempting to copyright "pwnage." That's almost as ridiculous as trying to copyright "Not safe for work"	(139)
(Some Guy)	Caption what Mick Jagger is yelling	(255)
(Some Sau)	Durham, NC Fark Party Ides of March. "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your beers." Oh yeah, that's St. Patty's day, too. DIT, Duke sucks, etc.	(100)
(Metrowest Daily News)	Two moms get into fistfight at their kids birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese. It's all about making memories	(320)
	The family that pursues vigilante justice over vandalized mailboxes together, stays together	(171)
	Man denies having sex with a vacuum cleaner, says he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland"	(181)
(Some Guy)	Four Street of Dreams homes burning north of Seattle. ELF sign found at scene	(1191)
	A rare look inside the exclusive Los Angeles club where the Internet service providers hook up with each other and their tubes get laid	(51)
	A town full of carnies is slowly dying off, along with the language Czarnie. "The next thing to go will be fire-eaters. Too many kids do that now"	(84)
	Delay-weary airport passengers turning to ferries faster than college freshmen at their first Young Republicans meeting	(125)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop this sticky head	(50)
	Drunk man takes stolen cab for a spin through a crowded mall. Heard to comment, "This place has got everything"	(110)
(wzzm13.com)	Loss of thousands of students will save MI almost $200 million, none of which will go to the school districts. It doesn't count as leaving a child behind if you never pick them up in the first place	(71)
(Some Guy)	Refuse to sell your property to the guy who happens to be the local tax assessor? That's a 1,531% tax hike (second story down)	(105)
	Man has set up a 30-foot catapult filled with chicken droppings to deter intruders	(31)
	British man steals two parking cones as a joke, only to find out the hard way that police in Nanny State are required to spend as much time on petty thefts as murders to meet their quotas	(53)
	NYC teens bracing for new law that would require them to wear Invisible Fence collars	(142)
	People spend more time researching buying a toaster than they do a house	(67)
	Dirty hippies try to stink up whaling ship with butyric acid to deter fishermen, succeed in masking dirty hippy smell	(116)
	New Jersey teenager tosses spray paint can into campfire "to see what it would do." It would explode, giving you second-degree burns and a chance to ride on a helicopter	(89)
	Scotland's 133-year-old Glenglassaugh distillery, closed for 22 years, to reopen. "Glenglassaugh has the capacity to make one million litres of whisky a year and has high-growth potential"	(38)
	Member of British Parliament gives new meaning to the term "backbencher"	(30)
(Some Punter)	Hope is not lost. Scarlett Johannson decides to moonlight as a high-class escort	(248)
	British tax system encourages couple to split up rather than remain married as they'd earn more money divorced	(67)
	Actual headline: "Man drove car after being fatally shot"	(61)
	Just like a big, bad homemade perm, the 1980s revival is taking hold in the UK	(93)
(Bakersfield Californian)	California police find new trend of kids partying in abandoned foreclosed homes -- 54 percent APR = 80-proof XXX	(66)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy and his longboard	(58)
	Go inside Casa Bonita, the only restaurant with monkey chases (and the star of a "South Park" episode)	(145)
	Ugly-ass polar bear cub Knut is all grown up into a scary-ass, godless killing machine (with scary-ass pic)	(143)