Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-03-02 23:59:59'

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Sun March 02, 2008

	Jeff Healey loses 41 year battle with cancer	(46)
	Study attempts to show woman who drinks daily what she may look like in 25 years, with or without continuing to drink. Considering she'll be old and unfarkable either way, my vote goes to keep drinking (pics)	(106)
	Dairy food to soon carry cigarette-style warning labels to warn people about how dangerous cheese and milk are to eat	(69)
	"Two German air force sergeants are facing courts martial after drawing their own blood to make traditional sausage"	(59)
	Statisticians say Libras' cars break down more often than those born under any other astrological sign. In related news, Libras are more likely to buy Chevys	(160)
	Huge-ass humpback whale gives kayakers the shock of their lives, before realising they weren't Japanese whalers (pics)	(75)
(Some Guy)	Woman gets prison time for overdue library books. Librarians everywhere rejoice, albeit quietly	(117)
	Today's real estate agent finding human remains brought to you by Emmitsburg, MD	(27)
	"Jonathan Lee Riches is America's most prolific litigant. Convicted of fraud and serving an eight-year sentence in South Carolina, he has sued Keira Knightley, Wesley Snipes, the Unabomber, Pizza Hut and the Goodyear blimp"	(71)
(Some Guy)	Prince Harry may have joined the Mile High Club while serving in Afghanistan	(112)
	Organic raised chickens still taste the same as factory raised chicken. Same great taste for a higher price	(176)
(State Journal-Register)	Small Missouri town forks out $3,500 for monument to one-time World's Fattest Man. 1,069 LBS., NEVAH FORGET	(72)
	Movie theater bans kids under 18 on Friday and Saturday nights unless they're with an adult	(401)
	Childhood now ends at age 11. Now go get a job, punks	(127)
	Aussie health commission officers ordered to lie to families whose homes were exposed to high levels of gamma rays, got caught when number of rampaging green monsters in area went through the roof	(23)
	Theme: Create a movie poster for a misunderstood movie title. Example: "Rear Window" with a poster about replacement window installation. Difficulty: Use actual movie title	(247)
	SWAT team members say they were forced to go to Hooters and cavort with the waitresses	(72)
	Man who doesn't quite get the concept of armed robbery tries it out using a spork. Spork spork spork	(57)
(NZ Herald)	Woman calls emergency hotline because she needed help sewing	(21)
	Members of a tribal council secretly give themselves 30 percent raises and get Humvees and other luxury vehicles bought with tribal funds. It's good to be Chief	(40)
	Hugo Chavez runs out of coke, sends his men to Colombia for more	(302)
	According to new study, women are more clever and successful liars than men. Bonus: Both the study and the article written by women, so who knows?	(209)
(adn.com)	This is Alaska, where our clothes horses parade before the awestruck crowds in garments of duct tape, balloons, guitar strings, bubble wrap, computer parts, paper clips and coffee beans (pics)	(41)
	$1,000,000 offered for Hillary Clinton to pose nude	(200)
(Teh Children)	Not News: Mayor and police force get gifts every year for Christmas. News: Out of the "Toys for Tots" fund	(40)
	NEWS: Cabdriver arrested in New York abandoned baby case. FARK: Mother of baby was 14 and father was 27. FARKIER: Cabdriver, 44, was dating the 21-year-old sister of the 14-year-old	(80)
(Some Guy)	Virginia appeals court rules 4-3 that spamming is not constitutionally-protected free speech	(85)
(Some Guy)	Rejected Star Wars toys. The world just wasn't ready for a Jabba the Hutt beanbag	(73)
	Rapper Juvenile, who makes a living glorifiying guns and violence, "shocked" at the shooting of his daughter and her mother	(496)
(The Local)	If you ever wanted to own a real German WWII Panzer, here's your chance. You know who else really, really liked Panzers?	(126)
	Australia opens world's first "human rights compliant" prison including cottages, flat screen TVs and mountain views. It's not a life sentence, it's a lifestyle	(109)
	Philadelphia is America's best beer-drinking city. Beer snob rebuttals to the right	(146)
	34th annual Iditarod to begin today in Alaska. Race begins in Anchorage, is expected to last 11-12 days and will span 1700 miles. NOME NOME NOME	(42)
(Seacoast Online.com)	The world's largest snowman isn't a man, baby. With 'I'd hit it' pics	(58)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this construction tube	(41)
	Conspiracy theorists have field day as Kremlin places secret £10K order for 3,200 female white mice. Stuart Little seen buying thirty gross of condoms, boarding flight to Moscow	(55)
(KXLY)	Monkey on the loose in Spokane bites three people, says "tastes like chicken"	(48)
	Saskatchawanians, the West Virginians of Canada, can't get the hang of these newfangled dogless dogsleds	(148)
(Some Guy)	Man arrested for attacking his daughter with a lawn ornament. GNOME GNOME GNOME	(60)
(NWA Morning News)	Newspaper discovers college kids go out drinking Thursday, skip Friday classes, like terrible music, are unconcerned about your lawn	(87)
	In an event that would never happen in the USA, British government orders profiteering gas and electricity bosses to give back their profits or face a big fine	(309)
	Muskrat skinning a staple of the Miss Outdoors pageant. Captain & Tennille too shocked to comment	(47)
	Mahmoud Ahmadiplomat makes the first ever trip to Iraq of an Iranian president. Flowers and delicious chocolates expected to flow freely	(88)
	Reuters reports that 70% of Americans believe the media is out of touch which means the number is probably like 30% or something	(54)
	If you're going to bust a meth lab, make sure it isn't delicious ginger beer brewing	(72)
(SBS)	Lack of sexual desire and infrequent intercourse are among the most common sexual problems experienced by New Zealanders, skin burns from sheep dip comes in third	(49)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this kid and his antler	(59)
(WOAI)	Firefighters called to rescue 83-year-old man stuck in tree. He can has Elderday?	(56)
(Some Guy)	All that crap you're recycling? It's all ending up in the same place as the other non-recycled crap: The dumpster	(144)
	Doctor speculates on famous assassination victims' wounds, says Julius Caesar would still be dead if stabbed today. Which is hardly surprising, since he'd be some 2100 years old	(106)

Sat March 01, 2008

	USS New York, with steel from the World Trade Center, set for christening	(454)
	"I hope it stays just like it is. It doesn't get any better than this" says woman about trailer park where she has lived for 64 years	(84)
	Taliban forces say they knew Prince Harry was in Afghanistan, so there; "Our first option was to capture him as a prisoner, and the second, to kill him"	(125)
	It's all fun and games until the cameraman films the license plate and uploads the footage to the web with keywords detailing your location	(89)
	The world's poor will starve because Americans want ethanol for their hybrids: Free US food aid to other countries to be cut back due to 41 percent increase in grain costs	(330)
	Man barbecuing in yard hears "big bang", rushes out front to find man dead in car wreck, not the forming universe he was hoping for	(37)
	One in 10 nurses admit having affairs with patients in their care. Giggety	(215)
	Photoshop this kid and his mop	(69)
	You know you're a Canadian if....you have your own snow plow	(126)
(WFAA.com)	Lowering the hood on the car you just stole might improve your chances for making a clean getaway	(12)
(WXYZ-7)	Police officer is a ticket-writing machine, yet motorists he ticketed insist they didn't break the law and he reaps $21,000 in overtime pay thanks to traffic court	(159)
(Some Guy)	Group of cannibals jailed for inviting friend to dinner	(92)
(The Local)	Teacher warned for feeding students cat food, even though it is an improvement over cafeteria food	(38)
	"I never thought I'd find myself saying 'thank God for Drudge'."	(233)
	Atlanta Humane Society teaches pet owners "mouth to snout" resuscitation. Now you have an excuse for making out with your dog	(50)
(Some Girl)	Twelve is a little young for a tramp stamp, don't you think?	(289)
	What do you call a chihuahua stranded in a tree 100 feet off the ground? Co-pilot	(27)
	Massachusetts residents call graduation from NYU a "hollow ending" because the ceremony will be in Yankee Stadium	(74)
(Some Guy)	The TSA has allowed $31,000,000 worth of travelers stuff to be stolen under is "watch." What does TSA stand for again?	(180)
(New York Daily News)	Man, you can't even give away free money in the middle of New York City without starting a damn riot	(36)
	News: Man assaults woman and 63 year old man and flees, only to be tracked down later by the police who used the paperwork found in the folder he assaulted the man with and dropped. FARK: The paperwork was his anger management class homework	(40)
	Pear of women crushed by falling trees rescued after people hear their cries fir help. Olive them expected to be A-oak	(53)
	Man tries to climb fence to take a short cut. Since you're reading about it here, you know it didn't end well	(43)
	Fisherman swims for twelve hours in shark infested waters to get help for his stranded friends. With pic of one really farking tired fisherman	(78)
	Students question school's no hugging policy that still allows a "man hug" as long as it last longer than 2 seconds	(87)
(MLive)	Valet parkers at Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, MI caught taking cars on joyrides, confirming Carmeron Frye's suspicion	(82)
(The Day)	There's nothing wrong with taking your pet for a ride in your car. Unless it's your pet boa constrictor which ends up inside your dashboard	(17)
	Man is upset about high gas prices, so he beats up his wife. Why? Because it's Florida	(64)
	Headlines made for Fark: Owner sues over stag's semen	(14)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this camera obscura booth	(56)
	Nightclub left in the managerial hands of two 15-year olds. What could possibly go wrong?	(70)
	Superfluous study finds that old people are cheered up by dogs and robots and bright shiny things. And Matlock	(59)
	Frontman for OC punk band M.I.A. Michael Conley D.O.A. in Chicago	(150)
(Some Rescue Effort)	Cat stuck up a tree for two days. When fire crews and animal rescue workers fail to get him down, two people from the nearby library come to the rescue, thus ensuring a happy Caturday	(685)
	Georgia Senate passes bill mandating the tracking of children's body mass index. The "After School Detention Gimme 50 Pushups, You Fat Ass Maggot" bill still in committee	(142)
	Jack Thompson's Hawaiian home in danger of being destroyed by lava. "It's the safest place I've ever lived," he says	(74)
	Turkish troops pull out of Northern Iraq, high-five Pakistan, promise to call	(38)
(Ze Local)	80-year-old man arrested for robbing bank. With a squirt gun. Then he soiled himself	(20)
	It's never a good idea to go snowmobiling at night in your shorts after you've been drinking	(26)
	Police chief uses staff to monitor rude Wikipedia comments about him (w/pic of intimidating, mustached crime fighter)	(79)
	Man has friend shoot him in the shoulder so he doesn't have to take a drug test. Too bad by doing so he proved he was on drugs	(18)
	Welshman covers house in 9,000 daffodils in honor of St. David's Day (pic)	(36)
	Prince William the next royal headed to combat, Jenna and Barbara fighting hangovers	(152)
	Photoshop theme: Find some new uses for obsolete technology	(66)
(KTUL)	Oklahoma news station shows its viewers exactly where there are old abandoned coal mines within Tulsa city limits. What could possibly go wrong? (with video and google map of said coal mines)	(62)
	San Francisco Zoo visitor wisely decides not to taunt the tigers . . . by throwing acorns at the rhinos instead	(72)
(Muskegon Chronicle)	Soldier waits more than 30 minutes by the car to wait for shopper to come out of store to thank her for USA Flag sticker on her car; even gives her a salute. The tag is for both of them	(384)
	Spectators needed for a bacon eating contest. OM NOM NOM NOM	(74)
	In order to become a Boston fireman you must be able to cheat on a test without getting caught. The good news is, you can keep trying until you don't get caught	(38)

Fri February 29, 2008

(ABC7)	Remember, next time you're driving, if your dog doesn't click it, you'll get the ticket	(73)
	Two women caught stealing over 100 spikes from railroad track ... OMG, MY EYES, THEY BURN	(170)
	Two arrested after grave-robbing 1500 pounds of titanium left over from cremations from Tampa cemetery. In more startling news, Tampa cemeteries are apparently Terminator burial grounds	(68)
	"If you have trouble getting your dog up in the morning, you might want to get this alarm clock"	(44)
	TSG's weekly mugshot roundup chock full of DO NOT WANT	(203)
(KREM.com)	Barge barges into gate, locking-up lock	(22)
	(Don't) Trust The Gorton's Fisherman	(72)
(Maclean's)	Man plans to stay in village he was born in, even though there are only four people left. Not even lack of road, garbage service, phone, and electricity will make him accept government's offer of $1.7 million to move	(82)
	Colorado wants to build a state-of-the-art solar energy research center with arrays of mirrors reflecting sunlight...right near the world's tenth busiest airport. What could possibly go wrong?	(76)
	You don't have to worry about driving your bus off a bridge in Atlanta anymore. They've put up some signs	(48)
(Citizen Times)	Casanova sends his girlfriend on a nearly seven-hour scavenger hunt with a surprise ending	(159)
	Ugly-ass echidna unveiled at Cleveland zoo. Yeah... I'd never heard of them either (with pics)	(69)
(Some Embarrased Guy)	Perhaps the best scam ever	(99)
(Daily Record)	Forgotten boxes of plutonium discovered by cleaners at British school. Pu Pu Pu	(93)
(Some Guy)	If only National Grammar Day could get half the attention that Talk Like A Pirate Day does	(85)
	Fast and the Injurious: Flip Over A Cliff Drift	(58)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop these swallows	(76)
	Betting pool begins as to when the space shuttle Endeavour will ACTUALLY launch	(28)
	Some high schools are so competitive, students resort to cheating because actually studying would make them like so uncool	(88)
	Cute-ass baby giraffe debuts at LA Zoo	(28)
	Aren't they normally that color? IHOP adds "Green Eggs and Ham" to menu as Dr. Seuss promotion	(45)
	Today's "armed man causes school lockdown" brought to you by Pasadena, CA	(85)
(Some Thong Sniffer)	Victoria's Secret CEO wants to change company's sexy image, collect early severance package	(256)
	School suspends students for taking too much time to buy $2 lunch ... with pennies	(140)
	Not news in 1958: Quaker pacifist fired for not signing loyalty oath. Fark in 2008: Quaker pacifist fired for not signing loyalty oath	(231)
	Good times. Have a chuckle at this 2002 Fark thread about gas prices "skyrocket " to $1.62	(219)
	Skateboarding teen crawls for help after train cuts off his leg. Police are unsure exactly what occurred but say they should know the whole story when his buddies upload it to YouTube	(93)
	US Treasury secretary wants to eliminate pennies. Next step is getting rid of dollar bills and putting more two-dollar bills out there, because hard-working American strippers deserve a raise	(229)
	If something bad happens to Matt Drudge in the next few weeks the House of Windsor would like you to know now that they didn't have anything to do with it	(321)
(PT Leader)	"Murphy's Law applies to everyone, evidently, even criminals"	(56)
	Body of missing model found. Husband calls off the search for the rest of her	(194)
(WBNS-10TV)	Dentists in Ohio caught using reverse alchemy to turn gold teeth into lead	(94)
	The US to construct 40,000 Super Whooping-Crane-O-Matics	(80)
	Watch as this camera-man obviously zooms in on woman-shopper's booty during a video about the mom and daughter shoplifters. Stay classy, ABC	(181)
	Brett Favre retirement announcement an error, just like his decision to play another year	(85)
	Gunmen take Chaldean Bishop. US officials say their next move might be airstrikes or Queen to Bishop 6	(54)
	Chavez wants to exhume Simon Bolivar's corpse in an attempt to prove that he didn't die of tuberculosis. BRAIIINS	(74)
	If you're going to rob a Git-N-Go, don't leave behind a jacket that contains your W-2 form	(33)
	A survey of 2,000 primary school teachers found two-thirds of them thought sex education should be compulsory in their schools, including hands-on lab work	(43)
	The 10 best cars in America. Not surprising: only one is a US brand. Surprising: two are Hyundais	(461)
	The Kremlin are planning to rig the results of the Russian Presidential election on Sunday, and they're not being subtle about it	(122)
(Boing Boing)	Billboard Liberation Front helps out AT&T with its immunity campaign	(160)
(WESH-2)	Red light cameras being installed at Orlando intersections; if drivers run a red light, they get a stiffly worded letter from the United Nations	(53)
	$31-a-gallon gas shocks motorists (with pic goodness)	(118)
(New York Times)	Bogus study claims American kids are stupid, New York Times uses it to bash Bush and claim its own failure is because Americans are too stupid to appreciate it	(515)
	Principal raps to students. Yo. Word	(70)
(Some Guy)	Housing prices an obstacle to economic growth in Boston: "I can't get people to move from Cleveland to here"	(162)
	MD to hire two toy inspectors to check for lead content after old system of "If it sinks it must be lead free and if it floats it must have lead in it and we must burn it at the stake" system found to have too many holes	(40)
	Obama, an African Warlord Bush, a wizard from Narnia? Now, that's foreign policy	(146)
	If you're cited for DUI and immediately released from custody on your own recognizance, you shouldn't keep driving around afterwards. Especially if you're a cabbie	(14)
	British soldiers on joint military exercises in Norway take time out to get naked at a local bar	(63)
	The Economist is becoming increasingly popular in America, taking market share from TIME and Newsweek thanks to its intelligent celebritard-free journalism	(210)
	Larry King gets dancing lessons from Janet Jackson. It's not news, it's CNN	(44)
(Brooklyn Paper)	Photoshop this newspaper editor and the Brooklyn borough president	(52)
	Cloth diapers are making a comeback. It's a green movement	(322)
	Man who tried to have sex with pavement escapes being put on the sex offenders register, presumably because there's no chance any road in England would be under 18 years old	(91)
(My Fox Orlando)	Orlando man plans to celebrate leap year by leaping off of a 12 foot ladder 366 times. Why? Because it's Florida	(67)
	Scientist blames "lucifer effect" for turning good soldiers evil at Abu Ghraib. Submitter prefers the old term: "human nature"	(168)
(NBC5i)	Not news: Mother snoops around room while daughter is at high school. Fark: She finds daughter's 27 year old boyfriend	(1347)
	Israeli minister drops the H-bomb	(650)
	Pope Benedict XVI to arrive in DC by April. Washington Nationals say they hope he can fill leadership role in the clubhouse and expect to use him primarily in center field if he passes his physical	(31)
(Bradenton Herald)	Student's gun jams while trying to shoot teacher	(118)
	"... The man admitted taking the goat to the back of the property, attempting to have sex with it before doing up his trousers, patting the goat and walking away."	(86)
	Oil hits $103 a barrel on news of Prince Harry being pulled from Afghanistan	(47)
	Turkish troops withdraw from Zap region of Iraq, however, fierce fighting continues in Bam and Pow. No word from Pew Pew Pew either	(46)
	Town branded "unpatriotic" for refusing to pay fireman $7,000 for work clothes he doesn't need because he's spending a year fighting in Iraq	(118)
(Some Guy)	1924 shipwreck recently uncovered from sands. Bonus: Ship was named "Acme," thus becoming an iconic symbol for hungry coyotes everywhere	(33)
	The man who decided to walk from England to India with no money, in order to prove a point about the kindness of strangers, is forced to quit early because he failed to account for the French	(135)
(Las Vegas Now)	Possible ricin contamination in Las Vegas hotel, across from water treatment plant	(52)
	UK House of Lords member says Britain's nurses are "grubby, drunken and promiscuous." That's hot	(65)
(phillyBurbs)	"Hang up the farking phone and drive" becomes law in NJ this weekend. With "like shooting fish in a barrel" quote from a cop	(228)
	Prince Harry to be withdrawn from Afghanistan because Matt Drudge can't keep his mouth shut	(255)
(Some Farkin A-hole)	Not news, guy attempts armed robbery. News, gun is actually a bottle of cheap cologne. Fark, man being robbed is martial arts expert who pummels the criminal mastermind. With mugshot sweetness	(55)
	It's Leap Day, so don't forget to set your calendar an hour ahead	(81)
	German Zoo announces birth of new ugly-ass polar bear cub (w/pics)	(44)
	News: Welsh woman can't stop calling in false emergencies. Strange: She had electrodes put on her fingers to make her stop dialing. Fark: "It's a MAN, baby" picture	(110)
(Some Tfette)	Photoshop this classy cockpit	(36)
(ksdk.com)	Vacationing attorney plays slot machine in Virgin Islands, hits $5.15 million jackpot. Casino manager unplugs machine, tells attorney "It's an obvious malfunction." Guess what the American attorney did next?	(169)
(Some Actor)	Twin gay porn actors arrested for rooftop burglary. Additional charge of smuggling bones is pending	(72)
(Some Guy)	A brief history of leap year, or how Julius Caesar shagging Cleopatra may have inadvertently led to an extra day in February every four years	(80)
(Milfahd Daily News)	Man drinks gasoline and screams at passing cars. Then it gets weird	(63)
	Man charged with murder after cop dies from complications arising from shooting. Fark: 40 years after the cop was shot. Double Fark: Man already served 20 years in prison for shooting the cop	(83)
	Dear innocent random man: we're sorry we accidentally put your picture on the front page and called you a murderer. Here's a picture of the actual murderer. We apologize for any embarrassment or inconvenience that this may have caused	(36)
	Curry chef has his tastebuds insured for £1 million. In related news, curry chefs have a sense of taste	(91)
(WLWT)	Woman gives birth to a baby that is 2/3 as long as she is. And you thought that you had a big baby(w/ pic)	(214)

Thu February 28, 2008

	Truck carrying oversized crane takes on entrance to tunnel. With video and pics of spectacular falarity	(64)
(Some Puppy)	The cutest pics you'll see of a Dachsund adopting a baby piglet all day	(69)
(Stars and Stripes)	Air Force releases fourth official motto in only seven years, “Above All,” which, by total happenstance, is title of popular Christian rock song	(148)
(WWL-AM)	New Orleans begins rounding up the homeless to get them off the streets. Seemed like a good plan, 'till someone realized it's not illegal to live on the streets in New Orleans	(50)
	Dude crying about Obama's lack of lapel pin shows up on Dan Abram's show without a lapel pin. Self-pwning ensues	(470)
	Craft brewers are slowly bumping up the alcohol volume in their beers	(228)
(Chattanoogan)	Who cares about the housing crisis when you can buy a house shaped like a flying saucer? Literally (with pic weirdness)	(94)
	Nat'l Guardsman wins $1 million in lottery, still plans on serving third term in Iraq	(331)
	Signaling impatience with Syria, the United States has sent its USS Cole warship off the coast of Lebanon in a "show of support" for regional stability. What could possibly go wrong?	(138)
	Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night will keep the postman from his appointed rounds, but a bout of depression might make him hide a few thousand letters and parcels	(31)
(Susquehanna University)	Fishing Expedition (noun) - When education administrators make those caught drinking underage fill out forms detailing their sexual histories, preferences, partners, and disease exposure	(84)
(Some Guy)	Rare Leopard cub makes zoo debut with uuuuuugggggly ass pictures	(62)
(nola.com)	Krispy Kreme driver eats all the donuts, stages his own kidnapping. Mmmmm Krispy Kreme, nom nom nom	(100)
(Some American)	American Greetings is holding a caption contest with a $1000 grand prize. Let's show 'em how Farkers do it. VE	(141)
	In the future, everyone will smell good for fifteen minutes	(17)
(NewsChannel 9)	Tennessee representatives delivering water to the Georgia Legislature in a gesture of goodwill are met on the Capitol steps with handcuffs. Bonus: one of the Tennesseeans was dressed as Davy Crockett, coonskin cap and all	(66)
	If you go to the Urban Dictionary and look up the word that's plastered behind this sexy Google executive in two-foot-tall letters, you'll find something completely different than what San Francisco magazine likely had in mind	(215)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this robot about to bust a move	(66)
(Some Partying TFette)	"Oh, this is the real party, Chris." Actual Seattle Fark Party, Elysian Brewing Company, Sat. March 8th, 8pm. (DIT, LGT Bar Info)	(132)
	Anheuser-Busch plans to open four new theme parks in Dubai. The Budweiser log flume will double as a brewing tank	(61)
	Elevator worker impaled by rod expected to live, join the Village People	(44)
	Explosion rocks Illinois mall. Witness report seeing a short fat man in a trench coat and a tall guy that kept saying “snoochy poochy” or something fleeing the scene	(193)
	What the frick?	(330)
	Woman uses the internet to fund her boob job (w/fist of an angry God pic)	(602)
	One out of every 100 Americans is in jail according to a report by the Pew center, which by sheer coincidence is also the name of the commissary where the prison tossed salad is served	(227)
(The New Editor)	If you had "some random dude who used to be a San Francisco county supervisor" in your Nader vice president pick betting pool, you win	(163)
(Some Guy)	Sprint attempts to right the sinking ship with a "Simply Everything" plan. Everything for $99 a month, no questions asked	(195)
	Sales team leader describes waterboarding of employee as "a team-building exercise, everybody was... involved and enthusiastic."	(120)
	Packers.com: Brett Favre To Retire... wait... uh... never mind	(125)
	At the Exxon "We shouldn't pay for destroying 600 miles of coastline" hearings today, Chief Justice Roberts asked a question so stupid the people in court openly laughed at him. Clarence Thomas has some helpful advice	(462)
(Natl. Assoc. of Manufacturers)	Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-North Dakota) hates NAFTA and free trade. Guess which state led in export growth last year, with 49 percent of its export business going to Canada? Hint: It rhymes with Dorth Bakota	(135)
(Post and Courier)	South Carolina leads the world in flame-retardant dolphin technology	(51)
(Some Guy)	After the rousing success of their sex scandal about McCain, MSM is now pretending he's not eligible to be president because he was born in Panama	(242)
	New Yorkers who don't bat an eye when they spend $400k to live in a closet on the Upper East Side, kvetch at having to pay $1 for a plain bagel	(124)
	Evidence shows that 2007 was the coldest year ever recorded. Al Gore shifting his money from carbon credits to Exxon	(502)
	Guess the political affiliation of this double-d, thonged super-delegate (NSFW)	(162)
	Mohamed cartoon, the sequel, promises the same thrill-packed action as the original	(111)
	New evidence indicates that Antarctica iced over when dinosaur automobiles raised the CO2 level to twice what it is today	(183)
	Prince Harry let loose on the Taliban for the last 10 weeks. Nicknamed "the Bullet Magnet" by comrades	(274)
(Some Guy)	Fake dog found to be as good as a real dog at staving off loneliness in the elderly. Your dog wants batteries	(63)
	McCain believes that because people in Iraq call themselves "Al Qaeda in Iraq," that must make them actually in Al Qaeda. Which raises the question, what are we going to do about the Viking occupation of Minnesota?	(498)
	If you smoked crack in Mississippi in the 90s, chances are it came from this guy	(102)
(WCVB)	It's that time of the year when Amtrak threatens train wrecks if Congress doesn't pay up	(86)
	If you rode in a Poconos taxi and have bite marks, the police would like to talk with you	(25)
	Cold front moves into Florida as residents grab dictionaries to look up words like "Coat" and "Sweater"	(133)
(Some Guy)	Hamas will likely be able to expand the range of its homemade Rockets of Peace™ to 12 miles by the end of the year	(321)
	Not news: Mother gives premature birth on train. Fark: It was in the bathroom and the baby fell throught the toilet and onto the tracks. Drew: Odds of this being completely bogus -- high	(115)
	Parents let 16-year-old daughter's boyfriend, 36, live with them so that their little snowflake doesn't like, get mad and stuff. "If I forbid it or attempt to ban her from seeing him, I risk losing my precious child" (pic)	(1360)
(wnem.com)	"When they see fights around people cut around like 'woo'..."	(150)
(NZ Herald)	Australian Footbal League issues morals test to players. Actual question: "A mate and his girlfriend are having sex. Do you: (a) watch (b) not watch"	(114)
	Dr. Hootan C. Roozrokh is on trial for having the fakest name ever. Or killing a patient to harvest his organs, one of those two	(51)
	Man wins a lifetime supply of beer. Hooray for beer	(89)
	The cutest pictures of a big dog who has adopted a baby goat you will see today	(71)
	Man trying to shoplift suit by wearing it out of store caught after he forgets to take the hangar off first. "Only a sign saying 'stop me, I'm a thief,' would have made the thief look more unprofessional," police remark	(34)
	There is only one problem with the new, state-of-the-art baseball stadium D.C. has spent millions on building for the Washington Nationals: No parking spaces	(171)
	Man finds £1.5 million block of cocaine on the beach, takes it home to "stop it falling into the wrong hands." Party at eight, bring a bottle	(105)
(Some Guy)	Moran vandasl hit Obama headquarters in Texsa (with pic)	(254)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this shiny, metallic bug	(75)
	"What's that you stuffed in that steak?" "Oh, these are my pubes"	(79)
(Star-Telegram)	Not be outdone by Florida, Texas now reporting power grid emergency due to loss of wind. LOSS OF WIND	(123)
	Bush to hold news conference to announce plans to make it easier to listen to your phone calls and read your emails	(464)
	HOUSE FOR SALE: Previously resided in by a dead woman whose kids kept her body in the home while they collected her Social Security checks and looked after her 150 cats -- 2½ baths, finished basement, $75,000 OBO	(44)
	Man tried to rob the same bank, wearing the same clothes and telling employees the same thing as he did two weeks previously	(22)
	Anti-immigrant rhetoric, U.S. style: "They took our jerbs." Anti-immigrant rhetoric, UK style: "They ate our swans"	(75)
(Courier Post Online)	On second thought, maybe the oven wasn't the best place to store homemade fireworks	(36)
	In a bid to ensure $4-per-gallon gas, House okays $18 billion in new taxes on big oil companies	(477)
	British witches want country to apologize for jailing or killing 4,000 witches over the centuries, even though most were clearly made of wood	(125)
	Jailed devil-worshipping rapist meets and falls in love with devoutly religious prison visitor. He's freed, they move in together. Then it gets weird	(144)
	Teenage girl in Australia develops allergy to water, regrets the fact that she wasn't born in France where no one would care	(95)
	Man kills himself with duct tape. Talk about a suicide plan you can really stick to	(80)
(Some Guy)	University evacuates dorm after two drunk students are found passed out in the bathroom, giving everyone there a lesson in overreacting	(33)
	Italian court of appeal issues ruling making it illegal for men to scratch their crotches in public	(66)
	Mother, 31, is SHOCKED to find out that her 15-year-old son had an orgy in prison	(117)
	Government moves to get 1.9 million Brits off the dole and back into the workforce. Excuses such as "the penguin on my TV exploded" and "they took my liver" not accepted	(46)
(Some Guy)	More Britons can remember their first car than their first kiss, if only because their first kiss didn't drop its driveshaft in the middle of the M1 at rush hour, then catch fire	(53)
	Jealous man hacks into his Internet lover's email, sends naked photos of her to all of her contacts. Claims he only meant to send them to her husband but hit the wrong button	(79)
	Sicilian Mafia returns to America to rebuild crime network, marry Kay, avenge Sonny's death on causeway	(64)
	Town, plagued by rash of youth suicides, make students who are still living draw up their own funeral plans, complete with what music they want played. That should nip the problem in the bud	(57)
(Some Guy)	Video emerges of jail officers dumping paralyzed guy out of wheelchair in Tampa jail. This is not a repeat from a couple weeks ago	(86)
	Chocolate beer can be a treat, just like yogurt soda, trout ice cream and clamato, you Philistines	(92)
	Teen-mugging-victim turned cybersleuth catches mugger by flirting with him on MySpace	(42)
(Joplin Globe)	Study shows teens need boundaries, communication, keys to your car	(39)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these two dudes and their nifty glowing machine	(36)
	Scientology has been described as a bad sci-fi cult, but much of it isn't even bad sci-fi that Hubbard wrote himself -- it was from a 1934 book called "Scientologie." That's crazy you can Xerox	(241)
	Idiots now spending huge amounts of money on French perfume that will make them smell of blood, sweat and spit. Robert Paulson unavailable for comment	(49)
	"Hey kiddies, you want to ride on my tank? IT'S NOT A TOOMAH"	(34)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 147: "Yellow." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(275)

Wed February 27, 2008

	Coast Guard helicopter rescues utility workers who were stuck on a light pole. Coast Guard helicopter rescues that have nothing to do with water trifecta now in play	(33)
(Some Guy)	Today's drunk 53-yo on a riding lawn mower, leading police on a 3 mph chase, brought to you by Vancouver, WA. Suspect claims he was trying to chase some kids from his lawn	(35)
	A tattoo. On his eye. ON HIS EYE. With pics	(295)
	8 gunned down outside of Los Angeles middle school, including children. School on lockdown	(379)
(PennLive)	Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board announces mobile liquor stores to facilitate sales along busy stretches of roadway	(57)
	Bird boy found in Russia. Bat boy worries about competition in the increasingly crowded field of human-animal hybrids	(51)
(WOOD TV8)	I drink your acid...I DRINK IT UP	(94)
	Coolest picture of a field with 1,301 florescent bulbs, all glowing, powered solely from the magnetic fields produced by the power lines above, you'll see today	(272)
	Gunman kills 4 at Tennesee ... why is it so much bigger of a news story if the next words are college campus instead of apartment building, as was the case here?	(75)
	5'9" student leaves Maine for a year in Egypt as a foreign exchange student. Host family starves him down to 97 pounds (with scary pic)	(252)
	Warning - Confessing to your cats that you murdered your wife can now be used as evidence against you	(58)
	U.S. Mint rejects D.C. design for quarter with "Taxation without Representation" slogan. "Biatch Set Me Up" still available	(125)
(Some Guy)	Dallas bans cellphone use in school zones, which will result in a $200 fine. Still no cure for drivers applying make-up, reading the paper, weaving baskets, etc	(62)
	Machete-weilding robbers change their minds about robbing a club after discovering the local biker's club was having a meeting there	(42)
	Coast Guard helicopter rescues pilot from mountain after he crashes his plane there ... his model plane	(25)
(News Observer)	News: Man bursts into college classroom with a gun and threatens to execute people. Weird: It was just a preparedness drill sponsored by the university. FARK: They didn't bother to tell anyone it was just a drill	(112)
	Average parent drives 1,664 miles a year chauffeuring their children around - or slightly longer than the distance from London to Istanbul	(61)
	Father of the year. No really	(496)
(Some Guy)	5.56 > 7.62 ?	(571)
	Math chairman donates √$3,600,000,000,000,000 to university	(80)
	You're a mom whose child is complaining his teacher is mean. You C) Bug your kid's backpack and record the teacher saying "You are all stupid kids"	(187)
(Union Leader)	Teenage girl defies her father's curfew by crawling out bathroom window, calling police and having him arrested	(102)
	Cop who was served “pot burger” extremely upset that the perps received no jail time from Judge Dumbledore (w/video)	(161)
	The Humane Society sues the USDA over legal loophole involving sick cattle. To err is human, to forgive bovine	(46)
(Some Guy)	Play on drummer: Buddy Miles dies at 60	(85)
	Faced with a shortage of managers, hotel chain conducts "speed recruiting" drive featuring three-minute interviews. What could possibly go wrong?	(35)
(defense tech)	In a conference call with bloggers this morning, the Army outlined the newest version of its Field Manual (FM 3-0 Army Operations), the first revision of Army doctrine since 2001. Wait ... the Army has conference calls with bloggers?	(19)
	University of California gets restraining order against animal rights activists who have targeted researchers and vandalized facilities. There, that'll stop 'em	(53)
	The US Congress, having solved all problems foreign and domestic, asked the Justice Department today to investigate whether Roger Clemens lied under oath	(69)
(Channel 4)	Authorities in England have discovered three small packages that may contain radioactive material	(66)
	The FDA wants to blow away a powdered energy drink mix called Blow, seeing as how their efforts worked so well against Cocaine	(133)
(Some Guy)	Asinine: Cop allows dog to attack suspect who is cooperating. Obvious: Cop plants drugs on now injured suspect. Dumbass: He did it all in plain view of his dashboard video recorder. Cop on video trifecta now in play	(330)
	Today's teacher on student sex brought to you by Buhler, Kansas. Bonus: she's a foreign exchange student. Double bonus: he's the second Buhler High teacher to be busted this year (with hittable pic)	(216)
	Photoshop an astonished Boston Red Sox player, Dustin Pedroia	(63)
(Idaho Press)	Today's smokin' hot substitute teacher/softball coach caught playing pepper with a student brought to you by Boise, Idaho	(156)
(Some Guy)	Today's story of fifty cats crawling all over a psychiatric hospital brought to you by the Whitby Mental Health Centre	(55)
(Some Guy)	Today's story of eleven chickens, one rabbit, two dogs, two cats, one mean gray parrot, one horse, six fish and one psychotic white rooster brought to you by Myrtle Beach, SC	(40)
	"Having kids is a way of self-medicating. It is a distraction and a diversion from the inner feeling of emptiness"	(359)
	Despite what you have been reading on Fark, many teachers lack training necessary for sexual education	(122)
(wsoctv.com)	South Carolina finally to recognize the end of slavery... and ratify that Constitution thingy... install indoor plumbing... admit the Earth is round	(255)
	A stewardess, um, er, flight attendant gives some tips on how not to be a dick when you fly	(476)
	The pickup truck is becoming popular in the UK. No word on if mud flaps, truck testicles and mobile home parks have been added	(184)
	Exxon asks for the Valdez fines to be lowered, pleading that they have been having to light their cigars with $50 bills instead of hundies	(259)
	Family calls 911 to report supicious vehicle, cops arrive, don't notice security camera, good times ensue	(274)
(Tennessee)	Ninth-grader charged and sent before judge for stealing 40-cent school lunch -- and the school had already given him reduced lunch so his family could pay a $78,000 bill for brain surgery	(513)
	Apparently, Florida's electric grid is controlled by a single switch	(116)
	Police to use rubber bullets to deter coyotes. Coyotes to counter by using Acme bulletproof vests	(68)
(Some Guy)	Six-year-old suspended from school because his mohawk was a distraction to other students. Hold on a second... THIS JUST IN: Six-year-olds now have attention spans	(301)
	"Dear Abby, I'm afraid to have kids with my husband because he's so ugly, and he was a really ugly kid"	(245)
(Sky News)	If your lawyer opens your defense by claiming that 9/11 was an inside job, you might want to re-think your choice of counsel	(378)
	Girl ignites her science teacher's ponytail, gets herself charged criminally and expelled. Now we can turn our focus to what's really important -- the science teacher was a GUY	(248)
	Boston toll workers to be stripped of their sidearms. In other news, Boston toll collectors are armed	(158)
	The New York Philharmonic is performing in North Korea. North Korean state news reports that the glorious Kim Jong Il has assumed the responsibility of conductor, first violin, nailing the flutist	(113)
(Some Guy)	Community branches out to man who was impaled by a tree. Doctors would be going out on a limb if they assessed his condition, but it could be that the tree's bark was worse than its bite	(69)
	The famously eerie tale of nine dead Russian hikers, with all the bizarre details you can handle	(316)
(Some Dead Prosecutor)	Why don't you, Mr. Hansen and NBC, have a seat right over there... at the Defendant's table	(728)
(pitch.com)	Television reporter gets a dose of her own hidden-camera-style medicine and finds it "uncool" (with video)	(67)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this adult beverage	(62)
	Special red DUI license plates proposed for MD drunk drivers. TN stays old school with 24 hours of roadside cleanup while wearing orange vests emblazoned with the phrase, "I Am a Drunk Driver"	(112)
(nbc10)	Lost your job? No problem. Run a home casino where your stripper wife is the topless dealer	(85)
	Supreme Court to issue a Second Amendment decision today. Fark discussion boards to be filled with sane, rational comments by trained lawyers familiar with every detail of the case	(823)
(Some Guy)	There's a growing shortage of male teachers. Many men who enter the profession say they quit because of worries that innocuous contact with students could be misconstrued	(308)
	French man goes to jail for 20 years for giving his chocolate mousse some bite. Mind you, mousse bites can be nasty	(64)
	Big yellow dot to grow bigger and gobble up smaller blue dot, in seven billion years -- plenty of time left for human race to wakka wakka wakka	(110)
(Some Guy)	Boy discovers human femur during hike, does not find the situation humerus	(51)
	Adman who created McDonald's "I'm lovin' it" campaign: I'm endin' it	(180)
(Some Guy)	The Otis of Niceville starts to change his clothes in middle of Waffle House; explains to police "You know how I am when I'm drunk"	(41)
(FOX6)	Taking too long in the bathroom? That's a stabbin'	(40)
	Florists in England recall thousands of Mother's Day bouquets, and not fondly, after finding them infested with spiders and other bugs -- so many, they even scared the crap out of the garbage-truck drivers hired to haul them to the dump	(61)
	An Alaska village is suing oil, power and coal companies, claiming their contributions to global warming threaten the community's existence	(66)
	Jack Daniel's Master Distiller to retire after 40 years. Hopefully the new guy will know how to make a whiskey you'd actually want to drink (pic)	(275)
	Woman who was told she couldn't have kids actually turns out to have a TARDIS for a uterus. With pic of all nine of her adorable, perfectly normal-looking brood	(155)
	Over $1.3M in public funds were spent on defending bad cop from guilty verdict. About $2 were spent on the courtroom portraits	(41)
	Apparently, in addition to designing flying machines and painting masterpieces, Leonardo Da Vinci dabbled in writing "board games for dummies" books	(15)
	Quebec woman dies while engaging in "out of the ordinary" sexual practices using "very particular" accessories, acoording to police, who add, "ooh-la-la"	(120)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this RF equipment	(51)
	Veteran cop, ashamed of drunk-driving conviction, hides in court toilet for two hours before emerging to cheers of other defendants	(95)
	I was doing WHAT with a 72-year-old man? Mugshot goodness	(87)
(Some Guy)	To justify the rising cost of tuition, a Texas university gives all incoming freshmen iPhones	(124)
	Prisoner who had sex change suing because she's turning back into a man. Specifically, she's turning into Geddy Lee	(153)
	"Misleading" TV ad for Nutella pulled after suggesting the product may be edible	(243)

Tue February 26, 2008

	According to the U.S. Geological Survey, "There are few free-roaming African lions and tigers between Florida and San Francisco." In other news, beware of Snakes on the Plains	(108)
(KYW 1060)	Ugly ass baby sifaka born at Philadelphia Zoo. After reading the article, submitter still doesn't know what the hell a sifaka is	(52)
	Old and busted: trying to hide your marijuana crop in a remote location. New Hotness: growing it like a hedge in your back yard	(91)
	3rd grade class gets pat-down search over missing $5. Hilarity ensues	(92)
(Belfast Telegraph)	Community shocked after shooting victim dumped at church. Pew Pew Pew	(66)
(wsoctv.com)	Man with knife threatens woman. Woman's husband shoots at assailant, misses. Hops in SUV to chase man down, doesn't miss this time... or the next... or the next	(385)
	Iran builds rocket from scratch in 9 months, has no life, needs to get out more	(94)
	Earthquake shakes the UK. US scientists struggle to determine magnitude after metric conversion	(204)
	Slow news day: Spaniel can balance coasters, CDs, yogurt cups, sponges, and plastic bottles on her paws and nose	(39)
	Man arrested for putting nude pics of himself on cars in grocery store parking lot (w/mugshot)	(95)
(Some Guy)	It's hard to have much sympathy for a family whose pet python ate their dog, considering the snake ate the family cat and guinea pig just weeks earlier	(86)
(So Good)	Man vows to eat all twelve McDonald's Value Meals at once... if 100,000 people join his Facebook group	(128)
	Drug funding agency tells people on scientifically debunked anti-depressants not to panic. In fact, they have another pill for that	(203)
	Stripper makes up story about being carjacked so her deputy dad doesn't throw her out for missing curfew (with photos)	(192)
(Some Guy)	Today's incoherent headline: "Clouds made yesterday meant chill stuck aroundly." Move zig for great justice	(83)
(Some Guy)	Overflowing the "politicans wearing stuff" trifecta, here's Calvin Coolidge in a Indian headdress	(59)
(Drinks International)	French court rules Heineken's website illegal, tells them to go away or it will taunt them again	(78)
	Teens steal beer; leave trail for cops to follow. Trail of beers	(65)
	New drug called Obay that would allow parents to control the minds of their children turns out to be a viral ad. Should have taken Farkitrol instead	(106)
	Nader can't run for the Green Party this year; they've already selected a less embarrassing candidate with a better chance of winning: Good old Cynthia "I Hate Jews" McKopslapper	(259)
	Diebold accidentally leaks the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election	(130)
(WGAL)	Citing a near flawless record, Three Mile Island seeks a 20-year operational extension	(219)
(Columbia Daily Tribune)	Missouri man leads cops on slow-speed chase because he was afraid of getting tased. Don't make me say it, bro	(56)
	Not news: Man who was arrested for DUI gets a break and is released to the custody of his sister. News: He is arrested again four hours later for crashing his car into a state owned maintenance tractor	(29)
(Some Guy)	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Mary Worth	(117)
	Sen. Larry Craig (R-ough Trade) is looking for interns	(214)
	A list of lies tour guides in Philadelphia routinely tell. Some of them are pretty awesome, including a myth that trees were planted along streets so illiterate people would know the name of streets. So Pine Street was lined with pine trees, etc	(209)
(Chattanoogan)	In response to Georgia's attempted land grab across their shared border, the Mayor of Chattanooga responds by sending them much-needed water. Fark: A single truckload of water. Bonus: pens the best proclamation in city history	(402)
	Completing the politicians wearing Muslim thingees trifecta, here's Britain ex-PM John Major in a turban	(84)
(cfnews13.com)	Power goes off in FL. News media goes batshiat, forgetting that nobody can see their TV reports or read their websites	(342)
	In an attempt to control the booming population, South Africa reverses ban on killing elephants. Pisses off a bunch of people that don't live there	(145)
	FCC fines FOX affiliates $7000 for pixelated boobies, but only the ones that received complaints. In other news, you can broadcast anything you want as long you never open your mail	(123)
	You've seen Obama in a Kenyan tribesman costume, but have you seen Hillary dressed in a Muslim hijab?	(245)
	If you drive the Pennsylvania Turnpike, be aware that the turnpike's overlords, who answer to no man and no force of nature, are using $300,000 of your toll dollars to tell you how great they are	(99)
	"Lina, a former worker at a cigarette factory in Indonesia, says she was 17-years-old the first time she was possessed by an evil spirit."	(141)
	The Clinton campaign challenges Matt Drudge to prove campaign staffers were circulating the picture of Obama dressed in local Kenyan attire	(571)
	Memphis police are looking for suspects named 'Butter Roll' and 'Corn Roll'	(110)
	Iraqi Parliament condemns Turkey's invasion of their sovereign territory. U.S. looks around, whistles... Awkward	(86)
	Falling icicles kill six in Russia. Apparently this is an annual hazard... what with the ice and snow and such	(52)
	100 'creepy' voyeur videos of University of Central Florida co-eds posted online prompt school warning (with video)	(275)
	Wandering horses jam up tunnel traffic	(28)
	The most painful animal bites in the world. Number one: the bullet ant. "Like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel"	(304)
	News has sunk to this: Jamie Lynn gets her GED	(196)
(Some Guy)	Former exotic dancer and current special education teacher busted for having a hotel party with students. With pic of her hotness	(205)
(Metrowest Daily News)	Man tells cops he shouldn't be arrested for shoplifting because "it was just a prank." Cops wink at one another, reassure man that they'd never arrest a guy over a harmless prank	(46)
	Murder trial halted after juror is flashed by mini-skirted member of the public. And then it gets weird	(84)
	Newspapers love bedbugs-are-back stories. "The reporters I talk to, it's like they're all rooting for the bedbugs."	(81)
	What's more stupid than driving a car drunk? Driving a car with a missing wheel while drunk	(39)
	Man yells obcenity at police dog, gets arrested for animal cruelty	(252)
	Man tries to rob store using finger as pretend gun -- outside of his jacket	(69)
(Some Guy)	Viking women dressed like sluts	(243)
	Foreclosures rose 57% in January. Those $300 checks that will solve everything don't get here until May	(483)
	Bad: Heavy storms pummel Oregon, cause $60 million in damages. Unexpected surprise: severity of storms reveal historical finds, like shipwrecks, ghost forests and historic cannons	(73)
(Some Guy)	Buffalo TV station error gives Oscar viewers live audio feed of snarky station personnel. The FCC will not be amused by their take on Best Director	(74)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this napper and his storage facilities	(46)
	16-year old girl's text messages from inside of car foil kidnapping. Bonus "Yetis Gone Wild" mughsot goodness	(128)
(My Fox Orlando)	Starbucks to close every store in the country today for three hours to train uninterested baristas. America horrified by the fact they will have to make their own coffee for three hours –- with no training at all	(308)
	Among 1,200 students surveyed: only 43% knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and 1900, only 52% could identify the theme of "1984", and yet all could identify Britney as a trailer trash pop princess	(310)
	Serial panty thief strikes yet again, this time netting five hundred. Oh, the huge panty raid	(63)
	Remember when McCain said that withdrawing from Iraq would amount to surrender and give Islamic extremists a propaganda victory? Turns out he was just kidding	(134)
(ABC 6 Philadelphia)	Today's seven-year-old with 70 grams of cocaine at school brought to you by Trenton, NJ	(57)
(Some Guy)	British woman keeps 75 hibernating tortoises in her refrigerator. No wonder English food is so bad	(33)
(Green Bay Press Gazette)	Wisconsin man attempts to clear snow off of his driveway using a torch. Hilarity ensues	(60)
	News: Tennis player banned from club because she grunts too loudly when she hits the ball. Fark: She's nine	(154)
(Some Guy)	Nearly a third of Britons have not gone to the dentist during the past two years in latest exclusive from Fark's European bureau chief Ric McRomero	(43)
(Some Vixen)	Astute readers will notice that the Reindeer Races are followed by the Reindeer Sausage Eating Contest	(25)
	"I Was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen" or "Cheese Problems Solved"? Bookseller Magazine releases its shortlist of the weirdest book titles of the year	(29)
(Some Stylin' Guy)	Photoshop this concerned model and her serious stylist	(63)
	"Rampant commercialism is transforming children into selfish materialists with little sense of their own worth."	(177)
	Protesters climb onto plane, taunt William Shatner	(94)
	Looking for a new job? Don't go to any of these states	(272)

Mon February 25, 2008

	Who is allowed to break in to your house? If you're in England, the answer is there are 266 powers allowing officials to enter your home, and not all require a warrant	(128)
	German tourist photographed tagging glaciers in New Zealand, is forced to remove his "artwork" while passers-by verbally abuse him	(113)
	Have a cold? The media would like you to know you may actually have a malfuctioning boiler and you may soon be dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. EVERYBODY PA	(42)
	There are ironic stories perfect for Fark, and then there is this one	(146)
	Sex education could be made compulsory for five-year-olds in Nanny State, depriving them of the sort of schoolyard misinformation that haunts submitter to this day	(111)
(myFOXaustin)	Not news: Woman arrested for crossing security barricade. News: Barricade was set up by Secret Service for Obama rally. Fark: Woman throws egg salad at Agent during arrest. Video of egg assault included	(86)
	Blood tests reveal whiter-than-white repo man in Halifax is great-great-grandson of Indian king (w/ pasty-skinned pic goodness)	(45)
	Someone thought we needed a study to tell us that antibiotics are overused	(90)
	EMT punches a restrained patient in the face for drooling on him	(95)
	Witch who was hung from a tree after being accused of sorcery gave birth to her baby while struggling to free herself	(130)
	Global warming being blamed for a lack of truffles. OH THE HUMANITY	(90)
	Trade school dedicated to growing pot opens in Oakland. Topics include the legality of setting traps to keep pesky kids out of the garden, "cooking with cannabis," and how to dump and flush in one smooth motion	(61)
	Family sets a world record for having 18 siblings all over 65 and all collecting pensions	(22)
	Foreclosure auction winner discovers former owners' son's skeleton sitting upright in the corner of a bedroom inside the house	(98)
(Gay.com)	Gay Jamaicans flee to Toronto. MON MON MON	(105)
	TV network's head of news to female journalist: "To make it in this game, women have to be farkable"	(211)
	City of Atlanta set to provide five $300,000, state-of-the-art, technologically advanced public toilets for homeless persons to use. That's right, Costanza - like a jet engine. WHOOOOOSH	(95)
(Some Guy)	Anne Sweeney, the president of the Disney-ABC television group, claims: “You don’t need TiVo if you have fast-forward-disabled video on demand. It gives you the same opportunity to catch up to your favorite shows.”	(191)
(kfor-tv)	If you post your resume on monster, get a reply from a TV station that "knows how you can make $84k/yr a by working at home", Just assume its too good to be true	(100)
	Michigan legislator wins $2 million from state lottery game. Coincindentally her committee's oversight includes the state lottery	(64)
	You know who else liked to fatally bite scuba diving lawyers from Austria?	(76)
	Mom with Leap Year birthday will deliver baby on February 29th. Frederic wants to talk about the child's apprenticeship. (Complete with yummy mummy pic.)	(175)
	The guy who killed Michael Jordan's father plans to withdraw his guilty plea so he can get resentenced and then paroled. His 1993 guilty plea	(60)
	Nearly one-half of all Americans have left the faith they were raised in, becoming damn dirty atheists or even worse, Unitarians	(762)
	Nude man and two women engage in threesome while driving down the Trans Canada Highway. Driver faces charges for driving without due care and attention, despite eyewitness reports that he was at full attention while driving	(111)
(Some Allergic Guy)	Photoshop these yellow... things	(65)
	Judge so angered by lawyers he overturns $51 million verdict and orders them to pay legal fees. Not enough sand	(128)
	Media admits it never runs anything negative about Obama, but promises they're looking real hard for the tiniest imperfection and if they ever find it, they'll nail him	(306)
	Archeologists find 5,500 year old structure in Peru, almost as old as time itself	(198)
	It's getting so you can't even ride your motorcycle around town without SUV drivers screaming "I'm going to kill you" before running you off the road and then attacking you with a hammer	(140)
(India Daily)	Scientists find evidence of extraterrestrials in galaxy 13,230 million light years away	(399)
	Pakistan bans YouTube for these videos of Muhammad	(113)
	Men everywhere rejoice as gene relating to baldness identified. Possibility of cure, end to painful Hair-Looming process	(92)
	Office prank thread. Post your best ideas or past experiences. More bonus points for waterboarding	(416)
	The turnover rate of TSA airport security screeners is 2 1/2 times that of other federal workers, proving the Taco Bell gig they go back to wasn't so bad after all	(123)
	TV ratings for this year's Oscars drooped lower than Ruby Dee's knockers	(110)
	Three words: Confederate Flag Plates. Dumbass tag superceded yet again by big brother Florida tag	(246)
(Deseret News)	Casual farking swearing on serious goddamn increase among shiat-mouthed teenagers	(131)
	Today's campus with a possible gunman brought to you by Stony Brook University	(158)
	From Prostitutes to Superbowl tickets, how defense contractors cheated the US government of millions and put our troops at risk. Hint: They charged up to $45 per can of soda	(201)
	Two teenagers are suspended from school for "gang-related behavior" because they were wearing crucifixes	(163)
(Some Guy)	Jesus Christ it's a circus lion, get in the clown car	(56)
(OnePhatKatt)	Today's idiot theives caught by tracks in the snow brought to you by Van Buren, MI	(28)
(Some Guy)	Teen builds mother of all snow forts in his front yard after asking city crews to drop truckloads of snow there. Now it's big enough for 20 people. Tag is for him and it (pics)	(142)
(Press Citizen)	Man fired for requesting prostitutes at a casino uses the “They said it's just like Vegas, so I thought I was in Vegas" defense. Learns that the “stays in Vegas” part of the slogan is not available in Iowa	(72)
	Parrot eats prosthetic limb fitted to stop him falling off his perch after owner fails to realise you're supposed to nail them down	(62)
	Bar owner builds security robot - lovingly called the "Bumbot" - from old meat smoker to ward off local ruffians. You have 30 seconds to comply	(111)
	Man buys four strands of hair reputed to be George Washington's for $17K; no buyers for Grover Cleveland's dandruff or Richard Nixon's toenail clippings	(52)
(Some Guy)	Photo of Obama dressed in tribal garb conveniently reaches Internet. Just kidding, Clinton campaign is circulating it in last minute hit job, Obama = Muslim-mania continues	(824)
	Five cops drove to seaside resorts and took pictures of each other on fairground rides while on duty. This would make a pretty good movie, but the ending needs some work	(22)
	Idiots spend $3,000 on their little crotchfruit's first birthday party. "I want him to know how important and special I think he is," explains mother	(305)
(Some Guy)	News: Generic newspaper story about local spelling bee. Fark: Springfield Christian Academy student eliminated due to misspelling of "academy"	(58)
	Clarence Thomas, surely picked for the Supreme Court based solely on his legal ability, has not uttered a word in oral arguments in more than two years, spanning 142 cases	(241)
	CNN and Oprah.com lists 10 ways men can act to get out of relationships with women who read Oprah.com	(292)
	Problem: Lots of riots and barfights in Berlin. Solution: Buy shoes for the police dogs	(31)
	Who's a hotter sunbather: Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson or Queen Elizabeth?	(183)
(Autoblog)	Explosion reported at Porsche factory. It's 911 all over again	(151)
(Some 411 Guy)	Take Two to EA's $2 billion buyout offer: Do Not Want	(146)
	World's most impressive job title: "Prince and Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of St John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes and of Malta, Most Humble Guardian of the Poor of Jesus Christ"	(189)
	GOP conducting polling on how far they can go when attacking blacks, women	(512)
	If you are claiming to be blind to claim benefits, don't describe the color of the car that just ran you down	(77)
(Some Guy)	Oakland holds gun buyback program, offering $250 per weapon. Program works as well as these always do, removing guns from gun dealers and senior citizens at an assisted living facility	(320)
	International flight diverts, lands safely after co-pilot collapses and dies mid-flight. Aircraft involved is a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and looks like a big Tylenol	(157)
	Online auction listings down 13% in boycott of eBay. A+++++++ Would boycott again	(227)
	Man crashes Cesna 172 in front garden, pilot steps out and says "Sorry to drop in on your like this", orders a martini shaken, not stirred	(50)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this little guy on a big rock	(45)
	Cost of new three-mile road to rise by £1.7m after colony of protected amphibians found. It's not newts, it's Fark.com	(57)
	Japanese prisoner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the head with a chopstick. You can't stop a ninja	(101)
	You're a care worker and two of your elderly charges get in a scuffle. Do you a) break it up, b) get help, or c) get out your cell phone and film the granny fight	(87)
(Record Online)	Woman looks out window one morning, sees Jesus Christ in her tree. It's not news, it's bark	(148)
	20,000 litres of buttermilk spills into river after road tanker crash. Trained counselors dispatched to prevent locals from needlessly shedding tears	(34)
	House set on fire by couple's pet ... tortoise? (w/ pic of armored arsonist)	(65)
	Pets at risk of self-harm are increasingly being prescribed anti-depressants because they cannot discuss problems in their lives with others	(96)
(Some Guy)	"Fish and chips" banned from school books in New Zealand in effort to get children to eat healthier	(50)
(NYT)	Fewer teens are getting licenses to drive partly because parents are driving their precious snowflakes everywhere. Corey Haim surrenders	(190)
	EA Offers to buy Take-Two for two billion dollars	(116)
	Cathay Pacific pilot loses job after buzzing runway at 28 feet in 777 jet as a dare – with chairman of Cathay Pacific on board	(115)
(Some Guy)	"60 Minutes" story on the dubious prosecution of former Alabama governor Don Siegelman goes black in Alabama due to "technical problem"	(130)
(WPVI)	Hit me in the face with a snowball? That's a shootin' (in the face)	(64)
	United Nations wants every one to eat bugs	(121)
(Some (con)Fusion Guy)	Photoshop this dude doing whatever the hell he's doing	(37)
(Some Guy)	Hungry bears eating people in Slovakia. Stephen Colbert was ahead of the curve on this one	(75)
(Stars and Stripes)	Army develops the unmanned "Crusher," seven tons of all-terrain, armored vehicle that's just dying to enter the next Monster Truck Rally	(197)