Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-02-17 23:59:59'

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Sun February 17, 2008

	How a 13-year-old's search for her lost pet hamster became the hottest topic on the Internet (pic)	(31)
	"Blaming individuals for their personal weight gain is no longer acceptable. The environment in which we live is the overwhelming factor amplifying the epidemic"	(99)
	Nancy Reagan falls, breaks hair	(113)
(Some Guy)	Police called to investigate burglary. Find burglars in action. At the police station	(21)
	Lackawanna County residents probably surprised to know that instead of funding roads and schools, $500,000 went to help an indie film. About a ballerina. The county called it an "investment"	(42)
	Wet-behind-the-ears high school newspaper editor in trouble for vagina-themed issue. Hoped to snatch some attention, will be discharged from school. Vows to not be a pussy about it	(109)
	If you think pennies are worthless, Walter Husak, who just auctioned of 301 antique pennies for $10.7 million, would like to have a word with you	(49)
(Some Guy)	The signs along the Grand Canyon's rim warning you from getting too close are there for a reason	(80)
	Average man proposes two years, 11 months and eight days after meeting the woman who will ruin his life	(179)
	Fierce rioting has broken out in Belgrade, Serbia as protesters opposed to Kosovo independence clash with police, attack U.S. embassy (photos)	(136)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this futuristic bicycle	(35)
	If you're a hunter in Maryland, you can no longer use "Thinning the deer population." as an excuse, and now must go back to "It's coming right for us"	(132)
	Washington D.A. slams Massachusetts: Stop sending us your homicidal maniacs	(58)
	A batch of old documents linked to the slaying of President John F. Kennedy has reportedly been unearthed, including a highly suspect transcript of a conversation between assassin Lee Harvey Oswald and Oswald's killer Jack Ruby	(175)
	Ex-Homecoming queen arrested for beating her sister with a prosthetic leg in her trailer	(126)
	USDA orders largest beef recall ever in the United States. If only there was some elderly woman to call attention to the lack of cattle meat in some places	(126)
	A little watermelon meat or soap bubbles for dinner?	(17)
(LJWorld.com)	55 percent of handles on grocery carts were contaminated with bodily fluids such as urine and saliva, and 21 percent showed traces of blood. EVERYBODY PANIC, wipe hands on pants	(166)
	Man moves in next door to cricket pitch, complains about the noise of children playing cricket and gets the club closed down (pics)	(111)
(OnePhatKatt)	Attention all thieves: analog home security systems will go down on Monday. Just thought you'd want to know	(64)
	EU set to ban all fireworks as Nanny State goes international	(90)
	The good news, you're guaranteed to be treated at the hospital in four hours or less. The bad news, if there's a long line you'll just have to wait in the ambulance until your four hour window arrives	(89)
	Cookie Monster tells all. The nights freebasing raw dough, the days chasing Prarie Dawn, roughing up Elmo for lunch money	(56)
(Gideon Sundback)	Talon zipper piece found on coral atoll may have been Amelia Earhart's	(45)
(Steamboat Pilot)	City councilman's response to proposed security enhancements at city hall: "Maybe we should just not piss off the constituents"	(32)
	The death of mass culture. Shared cultural reference points that helped us communicate by doing things like citing an incident from Seinfeld to illustrate a point are disappearing fast	(228)
	If your license plate has a 'Q' or a '0' in it there's a good chance the DMV will be sending you someone else's ticket	(60)
	Kids today give up Facebook and MySpace for Lent	(95)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this archaic technology	(51)
	"Not everybody signed the Declaration on July 4. Some patriots said, 'I'm going to have my people kick this around, and I'll get back to you.' Only they said it with all their s's looking like f's."	(74)
	Kosovo wants independence. Archduke Franz Ferdinand asks what could possibly go wrong	(178)
	Hot teenager with four kidneys promises to donate her extra organs to save lives	(256)
	Guy walking by overgrown hunk of steel every weekend suddenly realizes it's the remains of one of the biggest neon signs in the world, that was originally built to outshine the famous "Hollywood" logo	(51)
	CSI: MySpace	(33)
	New university student-housing complex provides luxury-resort experience, early training for living beyond one's means	(70)
	Suspect arrested in therapist slaying. You submitted this with a more cleaver headline	(39)
	The Sony PS3 sucks so hard scientists are using them to simulate black holes	(323)
	Legendary Boston graffiti artist arrested, and this time he might not get away with just a fine -- he could lose his driver's license	(207)
	The scariest footage of a car with blown tires driving the wrong way on a 4-lane freeway you will see today. Bonus police car love-tap	(191)
	College student steals briefcase with $140k in cash from Tyson Foods exec. More importantly, what was he doing with a briefcase with $140k in cash?	(114)
(Some Onanist)	News: Police arrest naked man found masturbating in stairwell. Fark: Man continued masturbating in the back of the police car during the 40-minute drive back to the station	(98)
	Kitten found after 25 days in NYC subway, hopefully the graffiti will come off	(63)
	Couple sees UFO, nearly wreck car. "It was a clear night and I thought 'blinkin' 'eck, what's that?'"	(35)
	Nanny State considers dropping oral language exams because they are "too stressful" for the precious little snowflakes	(56)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these lonely beach umbrellas	(55)
(The Local)	Strange headline of the day: "Woman dies trying to rescue a dead chicken." Those wacky Swedes	(19)
	British manned space flight is "wishful thinking", especially after Top Gear's space shuttle disaster	(59)
	If you're one of hundreds of couples who think they got married after July 2007 at a resort in the Dominican Republic, their National Department of Investigations may have some news for you	(21)
	Wikipedia defies 180,000 demands to remove images of the Prophet Muhammad	(560)
	Not only do they get the big bucks and other perks, bosses are also less likely to get cancer	(23)
	Victorian police would like their 17 badges, 7 bullet-proof vests, 62 handcuffs, 16 batons, 64 breathalyzers, radios and military gear back. Please	(30)
	Couple born on the same day get married, then after 43 years of marriage, die on the same day	(116)
	Brisbane exorcisms are in such high demand the Catholic Church has opened a priest school	(58)
	Actual headline: He hit a brick house. Shake it down now	(26)
	"Britain needs a national policy for articulacy to help re-educate a growing generation of monosyllabic mumblers." U sbmted ths wf a mur gud hedin	(58)
	Problematic satellite navigation system has caused unsuspecting truck drivers to slam their vehicles into a railway bridge. Sixty-two times, so far	(57)
	$40 bet on a bus five years ago led a woman to kiss a strange man and now they're married. Man who kissed strange woman on a bus five years ago now up for parole	(93)

Sat February 16, 2008

	"Drinking bottled water should be made as unfashionable as smoking"	(231)
(Kitsap Sun)	From the Bainbridge police blotter: Drunken 18-year old drops his pants and tells police his penis "was nothing special"	(90)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these industrious men of yesteryear	(51)
	$140,000 Hot Wheels is most expensive toy car ever, shows how pointless human existence is	(71)
	Phil Spector breaks his silence before second trial for murder. Submitter will only submit this once	(37)
	Egypt is rounding up suspected HIV-infected citizens, and sending them to a "special clinic"	(374)
	Police seeking 70-year old woman who pulled a knife on post office cashier before fleeing empty handed. Guinness seeking same woman, who just set the world record for a 70-year old taking less than 20 minutes at a post office counter	(10)
	Kosovo set to declare independence on Sunday. This will surely end well	(204)
(NZHerald)	Restaurant explosion results in furniture and debris showering down on cemetery. Wait staff totally gets stiffed on tips	(31)
	Pilot and his son hit power lines, fly under bridge, land on Russian River sandbar, go "ta da"	(63)
	According to economic analysts, 2008 will be the year of the farmer with record grain prices. "It seems like you almost can't go wrong growing any individual crop" "Oh," God says, "A challenge"	(63)
	Machines will achieve human-level artificial intelligence by 2029. Sarah Connor unavailable for comment, and probably won't be making a comment anytime soon if she knows what's good for her	(140)
(Some Guy)	Judge vows to crack case in Butt-Artist trial	(47)
	Man offers to sell his vote in the 2008 Democratic Primary in Ohio, not realizing that it's against the law. What could possibly go wrong?	(176)
(Some Guy)	Top 20 beers. Enough said	(518)
	Teacher who was imprisoned for allowing class to name teddy Mohammed now starting job in China. You may as well start preparing headlines now	(69)
	Australian government shocked that $85 million porn filter software couldn't overcome the sex drive of millions of young Aussies	(67)
(NY Times)	"Eco-moms" are the newest "trend" created by lazy reporters, in which yuppie moms drive their massive SUVs to someone's suburban mini-mansion to discuss how to save 2 cents recyling grocery bags	(214)
	Oil prices approach 100 dollars per barrel, but chicken out again due to fear of rejection	(34)
	Five Most Underrated American Cities. Only a matter of time before, "I liked Baltimore before it was popular"	(294)
(Gimundo)	Stray dog walks 70 miles through warzone to be reunited with Marine companion	(104)
(Some Guy)	Today's hot 20-year-old female charged with boinking a 13-year-old brought to you by Middletown, OH. With hittable pi... OWWWW, it burns when I pee	(259)
	Final score from Maryland: Darwin 8, street racing fans 0	(213)
(People Magazine)	One year ago today, the Britney Express jumped the tracks ... and has been picking up steam ever since	(66)
(Some Heamer with a camera)	Photoshop this ticket window	(63)
	Mayor of Philadelphia calls upon citizens to be kinder to overpaid, underworked, lazy, incompetent city workers, whose cushy jobs are subsidized by your crappy job	(104)
(Some Guy)	Harvard professors show that "Science is Sexy." They must be a LOT smarter than we thought	(88)
(Some Guy)	This story has it all: Man walking dog on a busy roadway, carrying a gun, and somehow accidentally shooting himself	(26)
(Some farkette)	LAST CALL for Connecticut Fark Party tonight at C J Sparrow Pub & Eatery. LGT directions	(68)
(Some Guy)	Survery finds 96% of women get headaches from sex. So she really means it when she says not tonight honey	(144)
	Headline writer apparently thinks we're at war with Africa	(42)
	Iranian filmmaker depicts Christianity from a Muslim perspective with none of that controversial "Son of God" and crucifixion stuff. Where's your Mel Gibson now?	(332)
(walb)	Urban legend: Hiding your marijuana in Coffee doesn't work	(105)
	Steve Fossett sets one final speed record. Declared dead after missing for six months... six and a half years ahead of schedule for most mis-adventurers	(39)
	Rise of the man-child. "If you raise boys on violent video games and give them easy access to pornography, don't expect them grow up to respect the law or to respect women."	(323)
(Some Guy)	Choose "2nd Day Air" so you don't appear pretentious	(181)
	Two California men have been arrested on charges of animal cruelty to sick and injured cows. Fark: they worked at a slaughterhouse	(120)
	The latest trend among innovative chefs is "back-to-nature cuisine". Instead of that cheeseburger, wouldn't you rather have some yummy acorn syrup, root broth or wild bird's eggs?	(61)
(Some Guy)	Doctor charged in Butte sex case	(94)
	World's fattest cat put on forced diet after getting stuck in its cat door. Welcome to Faturday, er, Caturday	(671)
	Batman tricks criminals into accepting arrest warrants by driving around city pretending to deliver Valentine's Day gifts. Harley Quinn should have known Joker isn't that sentimental	(36)
(Statesboro Herald)	If you just got fired from your job as a police officer, it's probably a bad idea to continue "searching" women at a bar	(24)
(Brisbane Times)	Aussie court rules teacher who slapped student was "practicising domestic discipline" which is not illegal. Bonus: Government sees no reason to change law. Suck it, nanny-staters	(108)
	After very nearly completing 12-year sentence, Texas jury gives man 50 years for bringing drugs to parole officer meeting	(50)
	Groom demonstrates his re-commitment to spouse. Has blow-up doll take his place. Wife takes no notice. Enjoys honeymoon anyway	(17)
(Some Guy)	Sir Paul McCartney settles divorce case with Heather Mills for about $110 million. Sources say she really kneeds the money, and was hip to the settlement. Tibia fibula. Ankle	(156)
(Some Guy)	Santa Fe terrorized by polite thief. Handsome and sexy, he targets shops run by single women who give him the money because he's so knife	(23)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop challenge: Complete this unfinished portrait	(86)
(News4Jax)	"Dear Judge, please accept this $100 bill as a little token of gratitude and appreciation towards me. P.S. Take your wife out to dinner on me on Valentine's Day."	(29)
	Long-lost brother and sister tell story of their forbidden love. George Michael Bluth seen feverishly taking notes in background	(175)
	New York Parks employee charged after using his cart to run down five pigeons, two seagulls, a krub, two fents, four bricks and three burshes. W3rd	(36)
	Man hospitalized after unprovoked attack by vicious housecat. "It is an evil cat. If it was a human it would be a drug dealer or something," his wife points out	(171)
	A major conference of futurologists pick the top challenges for the next fifty years, including providing clean water, securing cyberspace and getting the hell out of Iraq	(37)
	Golden retriever escapes house being burglarized. Found wandering neighborhood carrying tennis ball. German Shepherds, Pit Bulls seen face-palming	(118)
	For sale: pleasure yacht. Amenities include swimming pools, opulent salons, a rocket launcher and mini-submarine	(44)

Fri February 15, 2008

	Wealthy British fund manager lures his estranged wife to Scotland under the guise of reconciliation. Promptly divorces her because Scottish law does not count his six-figure bonuses as income	(122)
	Woman says being dead really ruins her life	(62)
(Some Stoned Guy)	PSA: When you have 600 lbs of pot in the car, don't tailgate a fuel tanker	(51)
	Man keeps coming back to bar, spraying customers with "bear spray." Ursus, foiled again	(57)
(FT dot com)	Eschewing the more traditional and less expensive Indian burial ground route, an American has paid $50,000 for Korean scientists to clone his dog	(68)
	The Not Rick James Batch	(209)
(Green Bay Press Gazette)	Website owner who sold gun accessories to Cho Seung-Hui did the same for NIU shooter. Alek Hidell unavailable for comment	(358)
	The cheapest place to rent in America? Wichita, KS, where $470 gets you a brand-new one-bedroom with views of open wheat fields	(162)
	Florida schools to add the phrase "scientific theory of" before evolution, the Big Bang, and the Female Orgasm	(759)
	Oldest person in the world suddenly six years older	(80)
(Some Hot Guy)	Photoshop this fire breather	(56)
	Paying attention in science class? That's a stabbin'	(47)
	Mystery deepens as third right foot washes up on BC shore in less than a year. Holmes turns to Watson, says: "The game is afoot"	(98)
	Baghdad kids had no access to wheelchairs. Until now. Watch, but be prepared to weep like a little girl	(88)
	Brazilian girl escapes from kidnapper after nine years	(176)
	The Guinness World Records brand now belongs to Ripley's... believe it or not	(53)
	Judge: You are guilty. Your lawyer may give his closing argument now	(113)
(Some Guy)	Your GPS directions will soon be voiced by people like Ozzy Osbourne, the queen, John Cleese and Sex-Toy Sue	(141)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Judge arrested for DUI. News: While dressed like a call girl. Fark: It's a man, baby	(64)
	That Baltimore cop who assaulted the skateboarder doesn't like artists either	(286)
	Dead zone off of Oregon coast larger than ever. Christopher Walken sought for questioning	(137)
(Some Guy)	They're takin' our blow jobs	(145)
	Now the nanny state considers making smokers pay for a tobacco permit	(84)
	Firefighters spend an hour in the rain trying to extract cat from undercarriage of a car. Cat escapes while no one's looking, hides out on the fire truck for a ride back to the station	(81)
	Daily Show: Al-Qaeda is now a brand with franchises, like Quiznos. Al-Qaeda does have lower prices and better service	(82)
(kgw.com)	Oregon's "turtle boy" makes a comeback on Internet	(54)
(thelocal.se)	Dangerous moped gang makes court appearance, intimidates witnesses with the prospect of paper-chain beatings	(62)
	Caption this whisper	(173)
	Three Ohio couples have white (castle) wedding. Honeymoon set for McDonald's playland	(78)
	Bush: if we don't let telcos off the hook for letting me spy on everyone YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE	(682)
	When visiting your local police station, be sure to leave your hash at home. Oh yeah, and don't walk in drinking an open beer if there's a liquor ban, either	(23)
(H.I.)	Actual headline: "Underwear on the face didn't fool anyone"	(55)
	Congratulations Newark, NJ on making it 30 consecutive days without killing someone. Only 10 more and Camden will have to stop that pesky "1963" chant	(206)
(MSN Money)	Vindication for only having beer and hot sauce in the fridge: Eating out is cheaper than cooking	(565)
(A beginners error)	This really cannot be stressed enough: if you've vanished with $70k and your mistress, don't sign up to appear in any popular movies	(31)
	"Honey trapping" has rules of engagement: The target must not be drunk, there must be no touching, and the relative attractiveness of the trapper to the target must be equal	(257)
(Some Guy)	Create your own iPodlike silhouette poster ad	(198)
	Texas messed with	(202)
	Bizzare, slippery, white substance closes roads in San Diego county	(97)
	♫ Rocky Raccoon / made power lines go boom / and thousands were left without power ♫	(49)
	After taking his first steps, two-year-old begins his first of the 12 steps	(97)
(NY Daily News)	Fat, drunk and playing around with your semiautomatic rifle in your apartment is no way to go through life, son	(172)
(Some Guy)	The Anonymity Experiment. Leaving no trace is as hard as you would think	(117)
	AudioEdit theme: Ruining a perfectly good date with a terrible followup phone message	(38)
(Some Guy)	Britain unveils high-tech "laser eyes" for combat troops (with exceedingly unfortunate accompanying pic advertising something completely unrelated)	(122)
	Sewage workers call in ghostbuster after seeing "zombie" in underground tunnels. Rare ghostbuster trifecta now in play	(184)
	UK official proposes "temporarily" sterilizing teen girls. At least it's better than locking them in their room until they're 18. With pic of teen mom enjoying a fag with her toddler	(721)
	Woman cracks open egg to find second egg inside it. Slow news day (pics)	(107)
	Chances are, if you made a list of your dream jobs, "pet food taste-tester" wouldn't be on it. Unlike this guy	(51)
	Scientists baffled by the apparent extinction of white-tailed jack rabbits in Yellowstone park. Wolves walking away slowly, whistling, trying very hard to look innocent	(90)
(Times Union)	Administrators try to convince students to replace annual Halloween TP'ing event with the much more environmentally friendly activity of raking leaves. Right, if there's one thing college students are known for, it's doing chores	(40)
	"Smarter farkers took the submitter to task in the story's reaction/response section, showing that a good number of people knew the submission line was totally wrong"	(95)
(east valley tribune)	News: Teacher gets knocked up by 16-year-old. Fark: She continued to teach. Of course there's a pic (you don't want to see it, but you will click anyway)	(204)
	That "smoking gun" report that showed Barry Bonds failed a drug test one month after breaking the home run record? Um... nevermind	(55)
(Times Union)	Teens in upstate New York compete to wear shorts every day in the winter because it's "cool." Remember when teens understood irony?	(197)
(Chattanoogan)	"You kids have it so easy today. Back in my day, we actually had to yell down the hall at our parents when we were mad, instead of text messaging them from our bedrooms"	(129)
	A billion gallons of contaminated water are clogged in a mountain tunnel that is about to give way in Colorado. In other news, the surfing forecast in Colorado has never been brighter	(98)
	If you have a coat of arms designed for promotional use in Scotland without first registering it, be prepared for some court time. That means you, Donald Trump (with image of his lame coat of arms)	(128)
	You own a lousy cafe and get the lowest mark possible in a review book. Do you: A) Close and find another career? B) Work hard to improve your food and service? Or C) Sue the reviewer for ¥11 million?	(44)
(Chattanoogan)	Today's "teacher-student sex scandal" story brought to you by Chattanooga, Tennessee. And since it's man on girl, it's okay to lights torches and brandish pitchforks, right?	(98)
	♫ ♪ Penis Killer, Qu'est-ce que c'est? Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better. Run run run run run run run away ♪ ♫	(85)
	Harsh winters drive away all but heartiest birds. Won't somebody please think of the chilled wren?	(155)
	"The decision to use fireworks that leave the ground near the airport was not a good decision." Obvious tag takes flight	(26)
	News: 25 children injured in massive pile-up. Fark: On foot, in a school corridor, after someone lost a shoe and stopped to pick it up	(61)
	Brits spend more on cosmetic surgery than all other countries in Europe. Figure falls to average when adjusted for Victoria Beckham, however	(47)
	Man makes 30,000 prank calls to 911 "because it's free"	(77)
	Sleeping position gives clues to people's personalities. The "log" means easy going, the "soldier" means quiet and reserved and the "four feet above the covers" means you'd best call the Ghostbusters	(233)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this lonely, snowy sidewalk	(58)
(WFAA)	Driver abandons her bus 60 miles short of destination. Oh, and the bus was full of.... oops, quittin' time y'all	(48)
	Guy facing several felony counts tries to use the Klinger defense, to no avail. Instead of bringing a wedding dress to court, he chose something more readily available	(22)
	Pub named after a pig named "best in Britain" -- and Brits know a thing or two about turning to a pig for comfort after a hard day on the dole	(40)
	One man's terrorist is another man's presidential candidate: Reuters prints "Osama" instead of "Obama." Three times. In one article	(103)
(Stars and Stripes)	US Navy claims living amid piled-up trash causes no more health problems than living elsewhere. No, really	(39)
	Nothing says "I Love You" better than a shovel to your husband's head	(37)
(The Olympian)	Not news: Burglar robs house. News: Pair of teenage twins catch him in the act. Fark: One of the twins pushes him out a second story window before calling the police. BONUS: Badass pic of the twins (and window)	(86)
	Bosnian drunk driver tested, found to be driving at--we interrupt this bulletin to advise you to sit down and put your head between your knees--0.06, or 20 times the legal limit	(113)
	Pastor issues congregation sex challenge: Married couples must have sex for 30 days, singles must abstain from sex for 30 days	(131)
	Quebec's "language police" orders Irish pub to take down decorative English signs, stop serving in English, and then tells him that the English on his bilingual menu is "not respectful." Welcome to the Fourth Reich	(396)
	In one of India's poorest regions, hundreds of pink-clad female vigilantes are challenging male violence and corruption	(80)
(Some Grimace)	First "feng shui" McDonald's to open in California. Because a fat ass generates its own bad vibes	(46)
(Some Guy)	Experts from 1956 predicted the Home of the Future would have self-cleaning baths, roofs made of aluminum foil, showers that dispense hot air to dry you, and remote controls	(72)
(Daily Star)	Man breaks into TV soap opera's headquarters, douses himself in lighterfluid and threatens to turn himself into a fireball. He may also be the father of Anna's baby and Todd's long lost brother	(22)

Thu February 14, 2008

	Saudi woman sentenced to death for weighing the same as a duck	(234)
(Some Irish Guy)	Forget the towel, Guinness is trying to make St. Patrick's Day a national holiday. Sign the petition here	(123)
	Arizona high school students spend three years and $23,000 building a huge Civil War diorama for a Texas museum. Museum decides it's historically inaccurate, has it destroyed	(249)
(Some Girl)	Photoshop these wickets	(44)
	Greene County, GA schools going to single-gender next year. Your precious little snowflake is going to be a little flakier next year	(122)
	PETA: PetSmart mistreats their animals. PetSmart: STFU	(273)
(WGAL)	School district pulls buses out of service after they go all Christine on them	(76)
(wkyc.com)	CDC issues warning on "choking game" popular among teenagers. Darwin approves	(167)
	Ugly ass baby penguin born at Brookfield Zoo. With video goodness of chick and stuffed momma penguin	(40)
	Crash survivor says she has "experienced the hand of God". Apparently when He gave her SUV a playful shove over a guardrail and into a river	(206)
	"What Makes Chocolate Delicious" ... It's not news, it's CBS	(51)
	CNN opens up iReport.com, where users submit news stories without vetting or verification of authenticity or accuracy. What could possibly go wrong?	(111)
	The pope puts Sister Lucia, a woman who claimed to have seen the Virgin Mary during apparitions in 1917, on the fast track to sainthood. Next up: That guy in the Midwest who saw Christ on a potato chip a few years back	(115)
	Rich kid starts life from scratch with only $25 in his pocket -- 10 months later, has an apartment, a pickup truck and $5,000 in savings. Randolph and Mortimer wanted for questioning	(719)
(WFAA.com)	Would-be robbers assault and try to kill an 80-year-old ex WWII vet, firefighter and lifetime John Wayne fan. On shooting only one thug: "The only problem was I run out of bullets"	(109)
(Daily Chronicle)	Here we go again: shots fired on Northern Illinois University campus. Several injured, cops on scene	(1113)
(Time)	"What I want when I step into my office is a cup of tea. Not NFL cheerleaders in thongs"	(223)
	Weather prognosticators can't figure out why snow keeps falling, but the usual suspects are being mentioned: Global warming and steroids	(135)
	That spy satellite falling out of orbit? The Pentagon has decided it will shoot it down instead of letting it crash back to Earth. This should end well	(324)
	Cop who dumped paralyzed guy out of his wheelchair like a sack of potatoes is being harassed by people nationwide. "She doesn't deserve this." Cue tiniest violin, etc.	(411)
	You'll soon be able to buy booze on Sunday in Colorado. Drew seen on a flight headed for the Rockies	(73)
	Old hotness: Teacher having sex with student. New hotness: Prison psychologist having sex with inmate. "I want to raise the baby with him, if he's ever declared safe enough to be released"	(164)
	Council chief apologises for suggesting critics "join the ranks of those who believe the that the Holocaust never happened and those who dress as pirates to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendages"	(300)
	Following Maine's lead, now Milwaukee is running out of road salt	(129)
(Some Guy)	Razor blades in candy: It's not just for Halloween anymore	(71)
	William Shatner: Actor, Provocateur, Charmer, Singer, Shatner	(185)
(Some Guy)	Wheaton too drugged up to fucos after sinus surgery. The power of Fark compels you to wish him a speedy recovery, crash his server	(153)
(Domino's)	Valentine's Day is all about the missus. The day after, its about VRD. (Sponsored Link)	(101)
	Virginia elementary schools pull from their shelves a true story about a penguin with two dads. Penguin penis	(468)
	Justice Samuel Alito is upset that "The Sopranos" stereotypes Italian-Americans. What's next? HBO runs shows about Black people dealing drugs? Or Mormons with three wives? Or, uh, wait a minute. He's right	(259)
(Some Guy)	Animal rights idiots enraged that zoo let nine-year-old elephant get pregnant. "It is completely irresponsible," they whine	(147)
(Some Ex)	Annual Valentine Photoshop theme: Design a Valentine card you'd send to an ex	(101)
	Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger (with ugly ass baby badger pics)	(83)
	A fond farewell to Canon John Hester, minister to the hookers and porn shops of Westminster: "A striptease performance... is a display of beauty, sipped and its bouquet savoured, as one might do with a rare and delightful wine"	(24)
	News: Great White concert fire that killed 100 costs Clear Channel $22 million. Fark: Due to local radio station getting sued for advertising the concert	(237)
	I knew this was going to be the worst first date ever when _______________ (with voting)	(1142)
(TheWest.com.au)	Swedish kindergarten bans staff and students from wearing clothing with dots or stripes. What the bork?	(93)
(Pew Research)	Only 16 percent of single people in America are actively looking for love. ♫ Love stinks... yeah, yeah ♫	(543)
(NBC10)	If you follow all the traffic laws in Pennsylvania, you will still have to pay your red light camera ticket	(115)
	FEMA may have to mount another emergency operation around Katrina, this time to save evacuees from the death trailers it provided them	(314)
(Pelican Press)	What? No Florida stories this morning? Well, everyone's favorite Florida elections supervisor can fix that for ya as the state's top law enforcement agency is looking into how to cover up yet another election fiasco	(53)
(Pretty, pretty... shiny, shiny)	The end of days is upon us. Behold: Hello Kitty, the MMORPG	(160)
(NOLA.com)	The New Orleans Times-Picayune has a "caption contest" for a photo of Mayor Nagin waving a machine gun around. Let's show them how caption contests are really done	(229)
	Nanny State bans 500-year-old painting from country's subway to avoid turning Limeys into sex fiends on their way to work (with potentially NSFW image of classic painting)	(136)
	"Woof woof." "There's an elderly man lying in a ditch over there?" "Woof woof." "And he'll freeze if we don't save him?" "Woof." "Okay then. Let's go"	(64)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this interesting rock formation	(70)
	China bans ghosts from the Internet. Who ya gonna' call?	(85)
(Sentinel and Enterprise)	State orders city to upgrade wastewater treatment plant. City officials notice that they can save money by paying the $1,000 per day noncompliance fine instead	(51)
	Today's "media fearmongering Valentine's Day" story: Buy your wife a musical greeting card and your child could be killed to death if they swallow the battery inside	(94)
	Council spends £60,000 moving and "rehoming" four small amphibians. It's not newts, it's Fark.com	(40)
	Hollywood to returning writers: "Welcome back. You have two days to write three months' worth of material. Get to work"	(103)
(kmov.com)	Woman embezzles $50,000 from rehab. Police say no, no, no	(34)
	Woman can remember every little thing she's ever done. Submitter's wife won't let him forget any little thing he's ever done	(96)
	Madonna's first attempt at film direction leaves viewers "staggering around in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens"	(122)
	Gambler sues bookie for continuing to take his £25,000 bets on horse races, even though he didn't WANT to place them	(16)
	My big fat Greek earthquake	(37)
(WLWT)	Step 1: Troll jail website looking for attractive women and post their bail. Step 2: Demand sex from them. Step 3: Profit? (with pic)	(125)
	Free bacon on A1(M) in Durham	(26)
(Citynews.ca)	Murdered woman returns to throw things around the room -- who ya gonna call? Spiritualist Suzanne Hadwin, for $235. Oh, and the government will pay half	(28)
(east valley tribune)	Navy SEAL goes six under on Arizona golf course	(57)
	World's fattest man, Manuel Uribe, is now down to a slim 700 pounds after dropping 570. Are there pics? Of course	(126)
	Naked Cowboy sues Mars, and then it gets weird	(58)
	Eminent Scottish historian warns that Scots are shamefully unaware of their own history, even when sober. For example, 46 percent think they were successfully invaded by wankers	(64)
(thisisplymouth)	Ensure that you never have to buy a Valentine's gift again -- have a cow named after your girlfriend	(25)
	As women get older, they find men covered in body hair "sexier." So there's still hope for you and the gorilla suit you're wearing under your clothes	(152)
	Ugly-ass baby liger born in Florida. AWWWWWWWWW (pic)	(53)
(A Fireman)	A cop that arrested a firefighter who wouldn't move the fire truck must pay $18K for being a douchebag. Your dalmation wants $9K. (With arrest video)	(167)
	O.J. Simpson's girlfriend hospitalized with severe head injury after "falling"	(92)
	Even better Valentine's gift: Chef placing a phone call to your Valentine to sing "Chocolate Salty Balls" or "Love Gravy"	(37)
(Some Guy)	The good news is that hot woman at work thinks about sex 34 times a day. The bad news is her thoughts don't include you	(324)
	Des Moines bars to host bacon festival. "Bacon is one of those guilty pleasures. Even vegetarians long for it"	(129)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 145: "I See Your Point." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(192)
(MyFox WGHP)	Man finds peeper hiding under his girlfriend's bed, drags him out and beats the crap out of him	(98)

Wed February 13, 2008

	Before the lead, Wal-mart inventory and crappy Mcdonald's toys, Mao offered to export tens of millions of Chinese women to the US	(154)
	Bad: You almost die at an S&M club while on "vacation". Worse: The NYPost is the one who calls and breaks the news to your wife	(95)
	The greatest Valentine's Day gift, EVAR	(180)
(Projo.com)	Today's obligatory "Police shoot naked guy with samurai sword" story	(61)
	Woman who auctioned clown car wants to contact men who left their belongings behind	(97)
(Some Guy)	Dude wrestles and pins down two armed burglars while partner calls police. That's two burglars, armed	(75)
	Aloha, San Diegans, thank you for flying Hawaiian Airlines and enjoy your complementary measles	(52)
	Hours before Valentine's Day, See's Candies has a chocolate recall. Whoops	(36)
(Some Barefoot Guy)	Photoshop this commonly used Photoshop element	(84)
	Britney Spears secretly married her boyfriend Abu Ghraib in Mexico. Sorry guys, she's off the market	(222)
	Couple of purse-snatchers pick a really bad time to toss victim's purse out of their very impressive fake cop car	(22)
(Some Guy)	Not News: Making a bank deposit. News: Trying to deposit methamphetamine	(46)
	About that economic stimulus check...you don't get it if you don't file your taxes	(155)
(Some Guy)	See what song was No.1 on the day you were born	(436)
	In preparation for its inevitable war with the United States over Arctic gas and oil reserves, Canada is freezing up the donuts for the canon, and fitting its fleet of intrepid battle moose with snow shoes	(151)
	Oh, baby, what's your emergency? Oh, yeah ... yeah, your emergency is making me hot	(37)
(Bitten and Bound)	Extreme baking: sugar and spice, drill saws and blow torches...yummy	(49)
	Brewer launches Scallop Stout, also plans a crab and winkle ale. Obviously marketed at people who drink like a fish	(51)
	In a twist of fate, man goes missing and police look for the six women he was last seen with. Subby thinks he died due to exhaustion	(46)
(New York Times)	First it was sleep deprivation. Then it was waterboarding. Now comes news of an even worse torture transgression from Guantanamo: suspects were forced to drink Starbucks coffee	(155)
	Woohoo ESPN has taken Hunter S. Thompson's columns out of their paid section and put them back out for free again -- here's Bad Craziness at Owl Farm (warning: exploding chicken alert)	(96)
	Student who caused school lockdown was unaware that he was the cause of the lockdown	(130)
	Disneyland reopens "House of the Future," offering tourists a glimpse of distant life in the year 2000	(236)
	Hillary's response to the Obama "Yes We Can" music video. You might want to sit down when you watch this	(1042)
(Some guy)	Idealistic feminist proposes Men's Center using student fees, just like the Women's Center only with more Chuck Norris	(258)
	Maine running low on salt to de-ice the roads. If only they lived next to a huge source of salt... like an ocean	(144)
	In a show of defiance, Danish newspapers reprint the infamous Mohammad cartoon. What could possibly go wrong?	(553)
(Houston Press)	Texas is the only state in the country where peyote is sold legally. It's also the only state where purple dragons play parcheesi with talking coyotes	(147)
(Some Guy)	Women robs bank with... whatchamacallit... candy. Because she's not a butterfingers, she left no evidence behind. Be on the lookout for a chunky suspect on 5th Avenue who might have as much as 100 grand	(122)
(Some Guy)	U.N. food agency says cereal stockpiles expected to hit their lowest level in over two decades. They can have my Froot Loops when they pry them from my cold, dead hands	(132)
	Starbucks destroyed by gas blast in Taco shop. Fortunately, the other three on the other corners survived	(113)
	The Huffington Post knows how to solve overpopulation, global warming and world hunger all at once: We should all start eating grubs, larvae, roadkill and weeds. Bonus: No, really. They're serious	(167)
(Idaho Mountain Express)	State politician warns city officials not to get too greedy with speed traps or they may lose their power to set speed limits	(70)
(Some Guy)	Cop who ate a marijuana burger is upset that the cooks are only getting probation. You would think that he would be more mellow about the whole thing	(227)
	Want to get your woman in the mood? Try doing housework. "Choreplay" is the new foreplay for busy women	(581)
	Eight million Americans admit they send themselves Valentine's Day gifts -- they may feel lonely and unloved but at least they will get something nice	(351)
	England promises schoolchildren "at least five hours of high-quality culture per week". Curriculum expected to include glassing, beer-swilling, and happy slapping	(41)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop an appropriate use for this "REJECTED" stamp	(175)
(WTNH)	Truck carrying liquid sugar crashes, shuts down I95 in CT. Def Leppard called in to investigate	(111)
	Woman files discrimination lawsuit against her employer, the Utah Antidiscrimination and Labor Division	(44)
(Some Bureaucrat)	Remember the Utah Highway Patrol tasing video? Utah's favorite state lawmaker has introduced a bill that would keep all of those pesky police officer investigations away from public eyes. This is Utah. It will pass	(87)
(Gulf Daily News)	Doctors remove 2-inch nail that was shoved inside man's penis. He had complained of extreme abdominal pain and an X-ray clearly showed the outline of the nail inside his penis. Inside his penis. Penis penis penis	(176)
(Some Guy)	The postman always rings twice... and sometimes delivers your postcard 79 years late	(19)
	Worst eBay deal evar. But at least he got to meet Wonder Woman	(166)
(Some Pancake Eater)	Ever wonder who Pancake Rabbit was? Wonder no more... Bonus: lots of photos to use	(93)
	Having solved the mysteries of cancer, AIDS, and limitless energy sources, scientists have now proven some fairy tales could actually be true	(41)
(Tribune-Review)	One man defied the odds to successfully combine beer, hot chocolate, and Snickers bar whipped cream	(59)
	After 16 years, the nights of wet-T-shirt contests, foam parties and 25-cent beers are coming to an end. Living in Baltimore just got that much worse	(109)
(News14.com)	Today's "25-year-old woman has sex with 15-year-old boy" story brought to you by Statesville NC. Bonus: Was boy's foster mom. Double bonus: Mildly hittable (pic)	(294)
	Parents are angry that public school achievement test is in English. In Chicago... you know, the one in Illinois... in the USA	(728)
(NBC10)	Still no leads on who let a flock of chickens loose inside a Philadelphia high school; police in foul mood, and the students are clucking about it	(62)
(Some Guy)	Mother shot by 3-year-old baby. Suspect described as having yellow shirt, red overalls, and football-shaped head	(113)
(WLBZ2.com)	Dunkin' Donuts plans to expand the menu and drop microwaves, then pick them back up and brush them off if nobody is watching	(113)
	Frankfort Park District puts baby in a corner	(71)
	DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? Beagle wins Westminster Kennel Club Show for the first time	(309)
	How babies' teeth helped to end atmospheric nuclear tests	(47)
	What do you see here? Meat cleaver. How about now? Meat cleaver. And now? Meat cleaver	(167)
	Berkeley backs down: "To err is human but to really screw up it takes the Berkeley City Council," said council member Gordon Wozniak. "We failed our city. We embarrassed our city"	(466)
	Fire at box factory rages out of control, despite firefighters pouring 180,000 gallons of water per hour on the burning structures. If only there were some kind of unorthodox thinking they could use to come up with new ideas	(76)
	Once again: if it has just snowed and you plan to pull off a robbery with a stolen backhoe, you are going to leave tracks	(18)
(Jerusalem Post)	Hizbollah's terror chief assassinated in car bombing	(882)
(Deseret Morning News)	Spencer Gifts raided by cops for violating Utah law prohibiting the sale of items that stopped being funny at 16	(135)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these blank Polaroids	(95)
(LasVegasNOW.com)	Not news: Police pull over speeding ice cream truck. News: Irate, driver calls his wife, who speeds over in another ice cream truck. FARK: Wife argues with cops, pulls a knife -- gets shot	(95)
	Leading Croatian daily was deeply embarrassed when it published an interview with the prime minister that turned out to be a hoax by a journalism student who answered the editor's questions by e-mail	(16)
	Woman, 89, locked outside, has to axe repeatedly to get back in	(28)
	Man wins lottery, and complains that he has to make a 150 mile trip to collect his $150. It wasn't as bad when he found out that he won $249,850 more than he originally thought	(34)
	Pretty boy violin prodigy's stage stumble results in fail so epic that even a £60,000 repair bill might not be enough to undo the damage	(194)
	Warning: Shark attacks on the rise - last year 1 person died world-wide from a shark attack, thanks to Roy Scheider	(33)
	Article title "DHS Warns Of Pregnant Prosthetic Belly Bombings." Last sentence "Authorities say there is "no specific, credible intelligence""	(52)
	Bomb squad called out to dispose of a geocache, cunningly strapped to a railing at a major urban center. In other news, the New Zealand Press Agency thinks geocaching is some kind of "computer game"	(58)
(Some Guy)	Thailand's biggest erection gets planning approval. For once it doesn't belong to a German tourist	(29)
	Woman faces jail time for making 700 phone calls to emergency services demanding a man for sex. Should have called submitter	(79)
(Some Guy)	The Gimp survives but has no recollection of mishap at the Nutcracker Suite S&M dungeon (described as "like Guantanamo for sexual deviants")	(49)
	While it's very nice to donate things to your local charity shop, they probably don't have any use for your live grenades	(21)
	Old and busted: Dating websites. New hotness: Cupid cab	(15)
	"Feeling love for your romantic partner appears to make everybody else less attractive. It's almost like love puts blinders on people"	(137)
	Because nothing is too good for your precious, introducing Doggy Vitamin Water. Your dog wants Brawndo	(66)
	Jamaica set to try to cash in on "religious tourism." That time you went there and bought a shiatload of pot from some dude who kinda looked like a Rasta doesn't count	(30)
	If you hire people to shovel several feet of snow off your roof, you may as well go up there and throw your money into the wind	(60)
	Man snaps photo of UFO spotted hovering over carpark in UK. No word on whether there was a Thermometer factory nearby	(179)
(Some Guy)	City of Austin to give away free toilets to all the damn hippies living there	(38)

Tue February 12, 2008

	Aggressive coyote shot and killed near Colorado ski resort, rocket-powered ACME skis confiscated	(38)
	The writer's strike is over. Goodbye reality TV, hello.....well.....reality TV	(294)
(Yahoo!Xtra)	Florist refuses to sell red roses on Valentine's Day	(102)
	Molson Coors Brewing Co. sees no signs that consumers are trading down from costlier brews to cheaper beer. Captain obvious on the scene	(106)
	Pregnant woman starts bar fight after being denied alcohol after last call	(77)
	Ever had a plane delayed by weather? According to this, most weather delays are boldfaced lies. Who woulda guessed?	(86)
	White stag spotted in Scottish Highlands. Told you Harry Potter was real. Suck it haters	(65)
(9News.com)	Problem: Your news story about a lost cell phone found in a sack of potatoes is boring. Good Solution: Call around and find a picture of the happy owner. Fark solution: MSPaint, Google image search, 30 seconds	(78)
	Farker feels famous for 4 seconds as Google Maps StreetView finally posts his picture (proof/link in thread)	(125)
	Nation's first baby boomer receives first Social Security check, case of Depends	(63)
(News4Jax)	Today's "teacher suspended for ducting tape student" comes to us from Jacksonville	(49)
(Wiki)	The most amazing photo of San Francisco after the 1906 quake you will see all week	(146)
	Yes, Virginia, there is another win for Obama	(1253)
	Vancouver Olympics needs 25,000 volunteers: 100 to take tickets and the rest to collect urine samples	(47)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these two antiques	(66)
	Your school system has failed the state standardized test for the previous two years. Do you: A) develop a more rigorous curriculum B) organize intensive study programs or C) ask Jebus to un-moronify your kids?	(101)
(Las Cruces Sun News)	Actual headline: Woman indicted for molesting children because they 'smelled like vanilla'	(92)
	The coolest picture of Rio's giant Jesus statue getting struck by lightning you will see today. Jesus trifecta now in play (thank FSM)	(138)
	Colleges to teach new priests how to avoid embezzling church funds. If only there were some sort of commandment that addressed stealing	(29)
	Monopoly Inside	(37)
	Spielberg takes his toys from Olympics, goes home. Will spend time "bringing an end to the unspeakable crimes against humanity that continue to be committed in Darfur." And making Transformers III	(78)
	Professional wrestler pulls in extra money making costumes for others. Not for other wrestlers. For real-life super-heroes	(29)
(Statesman.com)	The "ponytail bandit," who robbed banks and Farkers' hearts last year, has been identified	(68)
(Some Guy)	Venezuela Halts oil sales to Exxon Mobil	(417)
	For those of you that think an SUV is good in the snow, is this what you mean by "good"?	(224)
(The Argus)	School lockdowns, Sussex style: "A 13-year-old was warned by police after an assault with a pillow, a 14-year-old attacked another with an egg and a tomato and a 15-year-old was cautioned for common assault using a baguette"	(54)
	Mullah accidentally blows up his sons, friends, self, a dozen goats, 68 dogs, 4 cats, and of course, a coatimundi	(218)
(Some Guy)	Man has bullet removed after being shot. Fark: 70 years ago	(47)
(Some Guy with an Umbrella)	Moose falling from sky nearly hits police cruiser. Cop impressed because it's usually sheep falling from the sky around there	(55)
	Retroactive telecom immunity passes Senate, Lady Justice weeps	(432)
	The guy who invented the Slinky went nuts and joined a Bolivian religious cult and other amusing stories about the origins of some classic toys	(62)
(KREM.com)	Reminder: when you're going into the local gas station to rip off the money in a fundraiser jar for a needy 8th grader's trip to Washington, D.C., don't look directly into the surveillance camera	(36)
	Texas prison denies inmate access to book because it "could encourage homosexual or deviant criminal sexual behavior"	(151)
	Driver gets stuck in ditch across the street from a gym. 10 bodybuilders lift his car out of ditch, grunt, scream and slam it back down on the pavement. Energy drinks for all	(107)
(Hampton Roads Pilot)	William & Mary board: Don't tell everyone we're racist, and we'll give you a nice parting gift. Fired president: Suck it	(155)
	Kids in Roseville, CA are doorbell ditching then shooting people with real-looking BB guns when come to the door	(176)
	Hard hitting TV journalists swap credit cards and find they can use each other's without being caught. Breaking News Big revelation Call for a Congressional hearing	(121)
	Two Pakistani nuclear experts have been abducted in the country's restive north-west, police say. That can't be good	(88)
	Surprising reasons you're not having sex. Living in parent's basement surprisingly missing from list. It's not news, it's CNN	(444)
	Mothers upset that some bars want to ban children	(351)
	Brain dead Minnesota woman recovers. Devastated to learn she caucused for Ron Paul	(131)
	Drunken orgies in your prison? It's more likely than you think	(84)
	As if California needed any more problems, apparently Dr. Frankenstein is the head of the state medical association	(87)
	If anyone can think of a better way to sell snackfood than by having a strange dog thing dance and fondle a young boy, there may be a job open in a Japanese ad agency for you	(73)
(KABC 7)	Today's school lockdown after student shooting brought to you by Oxnard, CA	(166)
(Some Food Guy)	Photos of what people around the world eat. Om nom nom nom	(84)
	A third of U.S. companies ban office romance, yet only 10 percent of them actually enforce the ban. How YOU doing, cubicle dweller?	(120)
(Kingsport Times News)	It's a sad day, indeed, when a person can't park a stolen Hummer on public property while they apply for welfare benefits	(98)
	We're one match strike away from being 49 states	(256)
(Daily Mail)	Not news: man arrested at gunpoint. Fark: because cops mistook portable MP3 player for a gun (w/pic)	(99)
	Not news: Customer takes laptop computer into Best Buy for "repairs." Still not news: Best Buy loses said laptop. Fark: Customer sues for a pair of judge's pants	(188)
	Old and busted: Snow days. New hotness: Chicken days	(23)
(the217)	Top 10 things to do for Valentine's Day if you're single. "Sit in a corner and question the purpose of your existence" strangely absent	(749)
	Russia "surprised" that U.S. would scramble fighters against bombers flying toward a U.S. carrier battle group, claiming they just wanted to share some of their paczki before Lent	(155)
	You submitted this with a better headline and that just goes to show what a superficial schemer you really are	(40)
(Ruthless Reviews)	It's time to declare The War on "The War on"	(105)
	Government saddled with huge green-card application backlog. Does it: A) Hire more employees to process faster? B) Consult an efficiency expert? Or C) Issue 47,000 green cards regardless of whether FBI has completed background checks?	(75)
	Deputy locked in tunnel for 14 hours when door controller goes home for weekend. Found after wife reported him missing. If only they had some device that could be used to contact people remotely	(35)
	College applications can be TOO good. Max Fischer unavailable for comment	(136)
(Some Guy)	Eighty-one-year-old man -- claiming his foot "got stuck" on accelerator of Nissan Altima, causing him to plunge it into a snowbank -- vows to sell the piece of crap. "I’m trading this in for a Cadillac"	(101)
(Some Pancake Lover)	Today is National Pancake Day. Go get a free short stack for your (insert small mammal here)	(101)
(WWL)	Louisiana parish bans Wiccans and "soothsayers." What could possibly go wrong?	(207)
	Displaying calm and reserve, Russia threatens to FARKING NUKE UKRAINE	(313)
(Some architecture wonk)	Storefront for Art and Architecture holds contest to re-design the White House for the 21st Century. Farkers can do it better. Or, at least, funnier	(46)
	This is why giving your precious snowflake a trophy for finishing in last place and saying "everyone's a winner" is a bad idea	(473)
	Statement: She took the break-up badly. Translation: She left me 10,000 abusive phone and text messages in a span of 65 days	(225)
	Teen breaks window for a YouTube prank, celebrates as his video gets 400,000 views a day. Just kidding, he got arrested for criminal mischief	(43)
	If you're due to appear in court, it's best to show up on time. And if you have a suspended license, don't drive there. And if you get stopped, don't claim you weren't driving if you're the only one in the car	(25)
	No one knows who they were, or what they were doing, but their grave remains	(80)
	Company seeks tax exemption for overseas bribes, saying that it's "local custom"	(48)
	Stuck-up homeowners versus pig-headed bike riders. Who's right? You decide	(283)
	A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. Here he is, with unbelievable pics	(165)
	Lawsuit says man got fired when his employer found out about a fight in a hotel because the whiskey tasted like urine	(33)
	London 4x4 drivers may pay £5 per gallon for their fuel, but they'll soon pay another £25 for the fumes that fuel produces. That's per day, by the way	(228)
	Paperless valentines, organic chocolate, fair-trade perfume: It's just not true love if it's not PC	(91)
	Powerful, secret society of keepers of the Great Seal of the United States would like you to remove you tinfoil hat for a sec. Just one second. That's all it's gonna take. Go on. Take it off... just once... it won't hurt...	(103)
	If you're planning to buy a Formula 1 car, they're duty-free in Zurich this month. No stowing in the overhead locker	(40)
	Police have arrested suspects who were plotting to kill the 73-year old cartoonist that drew one of the Mohammed cartoons	(228)
	Archbishop of Canterbury: "Okay, so when I said England should adopt Sharia, I didn't mean adopt ALL of it. Just the, you know, good parts"	(110)
(Florida Today)	Entire high school accidently given Saturday morning detention. No word on how they're going to fit 2,500 students in the library, or who's going to write the essay	(82)
	If you're a teacher and plan to show your pupils an educational film on your personal laptop, make sure you've cleaned all the pr0n off it first	(72)
	PETA protests Kentucky's move to honor Col. Sanders by making fried chicken state's official picnic food: "They should change the state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken"	(360)
	Baltimore's finest calmly and politely asks a skateboarder to leave	(662)
	If you want to steal a live 11,000-volt power cable, using a hacksaw may not be the best strategy	(58)
	University to introduce "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" quiz-show-type handsets into lectures for all students. Decent education ? That's a 50:50	(52)
	Multiple sclerosis sufferer taken to court by city council for dropping orange peel out of her car window. Her defence: MS means she can't remember	(62)
(Some Darwinian)	February 12th is Darwin Day. Try not to be a Fark headline on February 13th	(258)
	Politician says its an undue burden on drug users and dealers to have to pay state sales tax on their illegal stash	(79)
	When going through airport security, if screeners ask you what's in your trumpet case, don't say, "It's a machine gun"	(97)
	No. 592 of the series, "Your Tax Money At Work": Council pays psychic £60 to rid tenant's house of poltergeist	(15)
	Not news: Couple divorcing. News: She fired a crossbow at his head last night. Fark: She'll be doing it again tonight, and every night this year	(29)
	One tequila, two tequila, 44 tequila, dead	(91)
	Today's "media fearmongering Valentine's Day" story: That chocolate you buy could be leftover from 2007 and contain worms (with creepy video worminess)	(66)
	This ghost picture would appear to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that Abraham Lincoln must have paid a visit to a theatre in the northern English city of Leeds, sometime before or after his death	(59)
(KPHO)	Landlord enters rental cottage to clean up for next tenant, finds nude mummy in bathtub	(60)
	Jesus don't want me for a handcream	(50)
	Well-heeled woman caught with $500,000 of cocaine in her shoes	(36)
	Someone definitely forgot to cut the grass in this Sydney home, but the police were more than happy to help. With awesome picture	(68)
	Beer is now cheaper than water in Scotland	(37)
	Whites to become minority in U.S. by 2050	(397)
(WUSA-TV)	D.C. mayor needs a design for the new D.C. quarter, asks Fark for help	(32)
	Official sheriff deputy technique to check if prisoners are really quadriplegic is to just dump them out of their wheelchairs. Who knew?	(96)
	Indian flight attendant fired over enormous handlebar moustache (with pic). Yes, it's a guy. Paul Teutel, Sr. enroute with his size 12s	(53)
(WESH)	Disney's newest attraction to teach storm safety, which is kinda stupid since everyone knows you can survive an F5 tornado by strapping yourself to a water pipe	(82)
(10News.com)	A retired San Diego-area school teacher says he did not learn how to read or write until he turned 48 years old	(109)

Mon February 11, 2008

	Woman on disability leases $100K BMW and blames everyone else because she can't afford it. The lies on the credit application were somehow not her fault	(427)
	The top ten most miserable cities, number one is where the Toxic Waste Avenger roams free	(230)
	If you're a cop who seizes a moped from a suspected criminal, you probably shouldn't let yourself be taped doing stunts with the vehicle because it may show up on YouTube	(18)
	This week's surgical tool left inside a patient, courtesy of Pittsburgh and a 10-inch retractor	(55)
	Civilizations across the South Pacific may collapse, and you can blame their demise on Spam	(80)
(Rochester D&C)	Fire breaks out at chimney store	(84)
	"I was forced to marry my cousin - it's normal in my culture, but SO WRONG." Especially if he's fat and ugly and 20 years older than you	(200)
	Sacramento cigar shop tells Governor Schwarzenegger that he is no longer welcome on their property. If only there were a famous movie quote about his inevitable return to the premises	(145)
	NYC parks to get surveillance cameras. In other words, turn down that music, put out that cigarette, pick up after your dog, throw out that bacon cheeseburger, shut up and smile	(79)
	Jesus has been spotted again. This time in a tree log	(137)
	The coolest one-cent flights you'll see all day	(44)
	New ugly-ass baby rhino named "Kofi Annan" as tribute to former UN Secretary General. Oh the honour	(31)
	Please try to contain your excitement: Four new breeds of dog at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show	(141)
	Champion needles opponents, prepares to defend knitting title (with hot yarn pic)	(38)
	American fighter jets have been scrambled after Russian bombers buzzed a US aircraft carrier in the Western Pacific	(380)
(Peer See)	Using "letter blocks" to teach foreign children to speak English. What could possibly go wrong?	(114)
(Some Greyscale Guy)	Photoshop this color blindness test pattern (if you can see it)	(61)
(NY Magazine)	Hedge-fund manager found dead in his pool. Hard-partying wife accused of his murder by her Internet psychic, who also says the hedge-funder was having an affair with a male stripper named Tiger. Then the story gets weird	(82)
	"Critical outage" sends millions of Crackberry users into sudden withdrawl. White-collar riots imminent	(267)
	Snail Mail to cost an extra penny. If you don't know what that is, ask your Grandma	(137)
	What do you get when you cross a sheep and a goat? An ugly ass baby geep of course. And by ugly subby means waking up next to Amy Winehouse in the morning ugly. Suck it, Sappy tag. (pics)	(153)
(Elmira Star Gazette)	Oscar Mayer Wienermobile spins off snow-covered road in rural Pennsylvania, spills relish and onions everywhere. With pic	(110)
	Ford continues their superiority in automobile engineering. Just kidding, they've recalled another 180,000 lemons	(137)
	Authorities threaten to take away parents' television sets if their kids keep getting in trouble with the law	(43)
(WBALTV)	Making kids unable to drop out of school until they're 18 instead of 16 sounds like a good idea. Until you consider it will cost $200 million a year, which will mean less teachers and supplies, but way more children	(161)
	Couple to marry at the flower stand at the Tesco's where they both work. They plan to consummate the marriage in the lawn furniture department and then nip out for a quick cigarette	(54)
(Some Guy)	How to deep-fry a Mars bar in your very own home (pics)	(153)
	McDonald's workers sing for $25,000 prize, because God forbid they do something like learn to read and get a better job	(113)
	Bus + low bridge = FAIL. With scary pic	(245)
	Exorcism is all the rage in Europe. No, really	(127)
(KXMC-TV)	Headline of the day: "(Stations: Please substitute the following for V4743, slugged 14th NewsM..."	(95)
	Cute-ass polar fox cubs born in Holland. They're located just below the hittable blonde holding them (pic)	(146)
(Some Guy)	Cool: you survive the 486 foot BASE jump off a bridge. Dumbass: you die of exposure trying to hike out of the canyon	(87)
(WPTZ)	Vermont okays hemp for farmers, expect fields to be planted in Twinkies and Doritos this spring	(99)
	The top 60 donors to charity in the US. Number one is going to shock the living crap out of you	(229)
(WREG)	Second Memphis city school shooting in a week this morning; lone victim in critical condition	(155)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these hi hat cymbals	(75)
	ACLU lawyer concerned that DC's crime surveillance cameras may be used for "zooming in on attractive women", has obviously never been to Washington	(132)
	Nurse left elderly patients alone while she had water fights with other staff. Dumbass tag for the nurse but going out for a water fight at work sounds kinda cool	(42)
(Some Political Hair guy)	♫ Oh say can you see, my eyes if you can (then my hair's too short) ♫	(53)
	((W + G + 2Ay) / 3Ah) - ((R*R) / 20) = the one thing most Farkers strive for on a daily basis but never quite achieve	(290)
	Ugly-ass piglet born with heart-shaped spots, named Valentine. Valentine is expected to be delicious when served with eggs and hashbrowns	(65)
	Bikini clad co-ed spanks the Dalai Lama on golf course, Lama's caddy receives total consciousness, wood	(60)
	Three British models banned from Madrid Fashion Week for low Bacon Material Intake	(466)
(Some Guy)	Awesome teacher accused of making beer run for 15-year old students	(62)
	Pepsi launches a healthy cola for the organic generation, made from apple skins and coffee plant leaves	(134)
(Iceland Review)	Iceland is so peaceful and quiet that newspapers have to resort to running stories about cows just to fill space. Imagine that	(82)
(CrunchGear)	Over 100 Imperial Troopers take over Philadelphia museum for Star Wars exhibit opening, wait for their moms to pick them up	(222)
	Since Oklahoma City mayor put the city on a diet, citizens have reportedly lost 26,000 lbs	(94)
(Lawrence Eagle Tribune)	Town officials to police: We just created an illegal speed trap, go write some tickets. Police chief: What are you smoking and can I have some?	(163)
	Rep Tom Lantos has died. He was the only Holocaust survivor to serve in Congress	(356)
	Cotton planters having trouble with this year's crop. If only there were some cheap purchasable workforce available to help them	(110)
	Dolly Parton has nicknamed her boobies Shock and Awe. The Sun is there	(295)
(Decatur Daily)	Grandmother teaches intruder you don't bring a Taser to a telephone fight	(47)
	The Gimp clings to life after dungeon mishap at NYC bondage club; Zed, Maynard inconsolable	(179)
	Paramedic-turned-firefighter who still trains medics on his days off is told to stop using his medical training to save lives on calls or he will be fired	(161)
	Armed robbers steal $100 million in art from a Zurich museum. That's a LOT of dogs playing poker	(44)
(New York Times)	Not to be outdone by Georgia and Tennessee, Ohio and Kentucky are fighting over a rock	(61)
	Roses are red / Violence is due / Buy something else / Or we're coming for you	(59)
	Not news: Multiple car accident in Miami. News: Driver who caused the accident was smoking crack. Fark: Accident victim’s purse was stolen as she looked after her children	(76)
	It started as a simple idea: hijack a truck full of sweet, sweet beer. Unfortunately it ended with a beer lake in West London	(37)
	62 New York mafioso were arrested last week. Here's how some of them got their mobster nicknames, soon as Jimmy Two Times gets the papers, gets the papers	(97)
	Japanese husband arrested for violating Waste Disposal Law by dumping 1,000 porn DVDs in vacant lot after his wife ordered them out of the house	(82)
(Some Guy)	So many people attacking firefighters in Britain that fire crews are being outfitted with 'spit kits' to match the DNA of people spitting on them. "In some areas, attacking fire crews has become a recreational activity"	(296)
	Really lame logo unveiled for 2009 Super Bowl in Tampa. What should a logo for a Super Bowl in Tampa look like?	(62)
	Man who set up over 100 shell companies to employ undocumented workers sentenced to 18 months of getting his conch filled with sea cucumbers	(21)
	Fargo takes world record of 34,818 pancakes served. You're darn tootin'!	(42)
	Teen dies of heart failure by trying to get speed camera in 30mph zone to give him a ticket by sprinting past it	(139)
	Couples confess it's hard to have a sex life after having kids. Quick: to the Romero-mobile	(318)
(WOWT)	Man tries to light cigarette with propane torch. Hilarity ensues	(38)
	Dear Sir/Madam, please send money or I will kill you. Sincerely, Nigerian prince	(68)
(Stars and Stripes)	German mayor near US military hospital hosts wounded Americans to countryside tours, food, bier	(87)
	Seattle's Museum of Flight celebrates 75 years of flight attendants with fashion show (link includes slideshow of groovy outfits)	(40)
	Fire destroys South Korea's 600-year-old national treasure (w/pic)	(118)
	New York City spends $87 million a year trying to get smokers to quit the habit, but also sells lighters and ashtrays plastered with the city's logo	(40)
	Britain's answer to how Jack Whittaker blew a £10 million jackpot in just 10 years (pic)	(95)
	Over 180 protesters march in Scientology Mecca, wearing disguises so church photographers can't take their pictures for possible retribution	(354)