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Sun February 17, 2008
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How a 13-year-old's search for her lost pet hamster became the hottest topic on the Internet (pic) | (31) |
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"Blaming individuals for their personal weight gain is no longer acceptable. The environment in which we live is the overwhelming factor amplifying the epidemic" | (99) |
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Nancy Reagan falls, breaks hair | (113) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Police called to investigate burglary. Find burglars in action. At the police station | (21) |
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Lackawanna County residents probably surprised to know that instead of funding roads and schools, $500,000 went to help an indie film. About a ballerina. The county called it an "investment" | (42) |
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Wet-behind-the-ears high school newspaper editor in trouble for vagina-themed issue. Hoped to snatch some attention, will be discharged from school. Vows to not be a pussy about it | (109) |
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If you think pennies are worthless, Walter Husak, who just auctioned of 301 antique pennies for $10.7 million, would like to have a word with you | (49) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The signs along the Grand Canyon's rim warning you from getting too close are there for a reason | (80) |
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Average man proposes two years, 11 months and eight days after meeting the woman who will ruin his life | (179) |
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Fierce rioting has broken out in Belgrade, Serbia as protesters opposed to Kosovo independence clash with police, attack U.S. embassy (photos) | (136) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Photoshop this futuristic bicycle | (35) |
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If you're a hunter in Maryland, you can no longer use "Thinning the deer population." as an excuse, and now must go back to "It's coming right for us" | (132) |
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Washington D.A. slams Massachusetts: Stop sending us your homicidal maniacs | (58) |
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A batch of old documents linked to the slaying of President John F. Kennedy has reportedly been unearthed, including a highly suspect transcript of a conversation between assassin Lee Harvey Oswald and Oswald's killer Jack Ruby | (175) |
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Ex-Homecoming queen arrested for beating her sister with a prosthetic leg in her trailer | (126) |
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USDA orders largest beef recall ever in the United States. If only there was some elderly woman to call attention to the lack of cattle meat in some places | (126) |
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A little watermelon meat or soap bubbles for dinner? | (17) |
| (LJWorld.com) |  |
55 percent of handles on grocery carts were contaminated with bodily fluids such as urine and saliva, and 21 percent showed traces of blood. EVERYBODY PANIC, wipe hands on pants | (166) |
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Man moves in next door to cricket pitch, complains about the noise of children playing cricket and gets the club closed down (pics) | (111) |
| (OnePhatKatt) | |
Attention all thieves: analog home security systems will go down on Monday. Just thought you'd want to know | (64) |
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EU set to ban all fireworks as Nanny State goes international | (90) |
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The good news, you're guaranteed to be treated at the hospital in four hours or less. The bad news, if there's a long line you'll just have to wait in the ambulance until your four hour window arrives | (89) |
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Cookie Monster tells all. The nights freebasing raw dough, the days chasing Prarie Dawn, roughing up Elmo for lunch money | (56) |
| (Gideon Sundback) | |
Talon zipper piece found on coral atoll may have been Amelia Earhart's | (45) |
| (Steamboat Pilot) |  |
City councilman's response to proposed security enhancements at city hall: "Maybe we should just not piss off the constituents" | (32) |
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The death of mass culture. Shared cultural reference points that helped us communicate by doing things like citing an incident from Seinfeld to illustrate a point are disappearing fast | (228) |
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If your license plate has a 'Q' or a '0' in it there's a good chance the DMV will be sending you someone else's ticket | (60) |
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Kids today give up Facebook and MySpace for Lent | (95) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this archaic technology | (51) |
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"Not everybody signed the Declaration on July 4. Some patriots said, 'I'm going to have my people kick this around, and I'll get back to you.' Only they said it with all their s's looking like f's." | (74) |
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Kosovo wants independence. Archduke Franz Ferdinand asks what could possibly go wrong | (178) |
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Hot teenager with four kidneys promises to donate her extra organs to save lives | (256) |
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Guy walking by overgrown hunk of steel every weekend suddenly realizes it's the remains of one of the biggest neon signs in the world, that was originally built to outshine the famous "Hollywood" logo | (51) |
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CSI: MySpace | (33) |
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New university student-housing complex provides luxury-resort experience, early training for living beyond one's means | (70) |
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Suspect arrested in therapist slaying. You submitted this with a more cleaver headline | (39) |
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The Sony PS3 sucks so hard scientists are using them to simulate black holes | (323) |
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Legendary Boston graffiti artist arrested, and this time he might not get away with just a fine -- he could lose his driver's license | (207) |
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The scariest footage of a car with blown tires driving the wrong way on a 4-lane freeway you will see today. Bonus police car love-tap | (191) |
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College student steals briefcase with $140k in cash from Tyson Foods exec. More importantly, what was he doing with a briefcase with $140k in cash? | (114) |
| (Some Onanist) | |
News: Police arrest naked man found masturbating in stairwell. Fark: Man continued masturbating in the back of the police car during the 40-minute drive back to the station | (98) |
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Kitten found after 25 days in NYC subway, hopefully the graffiti will come off | (63) |
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Couple sees UFO, nearly wreck car. "It was a clear night and I thought 'blinkin' 'eck, what's that?'" | (35) |
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Nanny State considers dropping oral language exams because they are "too stressful" for the precious little snowflakes | (56) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop these lonely beach umbrellas | (55) |
| (The Local) | |
Strange headline of the day: "Woman dies trying to rescue a dead chicken." Those wacky Swedes | (19) |
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British manned space flight is "wishful thinking", especially after Top Gear's space shuttle disaster | (59) |
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If you're one of hundreds of couples who think they got married after July 2007 at a resort in the Dominican Republic, their National Department of Investigations may have some news for you | (21) |
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Wikipedia defies 180,000 demands to remove images of the Prophet Muhammad | (560) |
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Not only do they get the big bucks and other perks, bosses are also less likely to get cancer | (23) |
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Victorian police would like their 17 badges, 7 bullet-proof vests, 62 handcuffs, 16 batons, 64 breathalyzers, radios and military gear back. Please | (30) |
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Couple born on the same day get married, then after 43 years of marriage, die on the same day | (116) |
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Brisbane exorcisms are in such high demand the Catholic Church has opened a priest school | (58) |
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Actual headline: He hit a brick house. Shake it down now | (26) |
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"Britain needs a national policy for articulacy to help re-educate a growing generation of monosyllabic mumblers." U sbmted ths wf a mur gud hedin | (58) |
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Problematic satellite navigation system has caused unsuspecting truck drivers to slam their vehicles into a railway bridge. Sixty-two times, so far | (57) |
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$40 bet on a bus five years ago led a woman to kiss a strange man and now they're married. Man who kissed strange woman on a bus five years ago now up for parole | (93) |
Sat February 16, 2008
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"Drinking bottled water should be made as unfashionable as smoking" | (231) |
| (Kitsap Sun) | |
From the Bainbridge police blotter: Drunken 18-year old drops his pants and tells police his penis "was nothing special" | (90) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop these industrious men of yesteryear | (51) |
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$140,000 Hot Wheels is most expensive toy car ever, shows how pointless human existence is | (71) |
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Phil Spector breaks his silence before second trial for murder. Submitter will only submit this once | (37) |
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Egypt is rounding up suspected HIV-infected citizens, and sending them to a "special clinic" | (374) |
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Police seeking 70-year old woman who pulled a knife on post office cashier before fleeing empty handed. Guinness seeking same woman, who just set the world record for a 70-year old taking less than 20 minutes at a post office counter | (10) |
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Kosovo set to declare independence on Sunday. This will surely end well | (204) |
| (NZHerald) | |
Restaurant explosion results in furniture and debris showering down on cemetery. Wait staff totally gets stiffed on tips | (31) |
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Pilot and his son hit power lines, fly under bridge, land on Russian River sandbar, go "ta da" | (63) |
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According to economic analysts, 2008 will be the year of the farmer with record grain prices. "It seems like you almost can't go wrong growing any individual crop" "Oh," God says, "A challenge" | (63) |
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Machines will achieve human-level artificial intelligence by 2029. Sarah Connor unavailable for comment, and probably won't be making a comment anytime soon if she knows what's good for her | (140) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Judge vows to crack case in Butt-Artist trial | (47) |
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Man offers to sell his vote in the 2008 Democratic Primary in Ohio, not realizing that it's against the law. What could possibly go wrong? | (176) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Top 20 beers. Enough said | (518) |
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Teacher who was imprisoned for allowing class to name teddy Mohammed now starting job in China. You may as well start preparing headlines now | (69) |
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Australian government shocked that $85 million porn filter software couldn't overcome the sex drive of millions of young Aussies | (67) |
| (NY Times) | |
"Eco-moms" are the newest "trend" created by lazy reporters, in which yuppie moms drive their massive SUVs to someone's suburban mini-mansion to discuss how to save 2 cents recyling grocery bags | (214) |
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Oil prices approach 100 dollars per barrel, but chicken out again due to fear of rejection | (34) |
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Five Most Underrated American Cities. Only a matter of time before, "I liked Baltimore before it was popular" | (294) |
| (Gimundo) | |
Stray dog walks 70 miles through warzone to be reunited with Marine companion | (104) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Today's hot 20-year-old female charged with boinking a 13-year-old brought to you by Middletown, OH. With hittable pi... OWWWW, it burns when I pee | (259) |
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Final score from Maryland: Darwin 8, street racing fans 0 | (213) |
| (People Magazine) | |
One year ago today, the Britney Express jumped the tracks ... and has been picking up steam ever since | (66) |
| (Some Heamer with a camera) | |
Photoshop this ticket window | (63) |
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Mayor of Philadelphia calls upon citizens to be kinder to overpaid, underworked, lazy, incompetent city workers, whose cushy jobs are subsidized by your crappy job | (104) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Harvard professors show that "Science is Sexy." They must be a LOT smarter than we thought | (88) |
| (Some Guy) | |
This story has it all: Man walking dog on a busy roadway, carrying a gun, and somehow accidentally shooting himself | (26) |
| (Some farkette) | |
LAST CALL for Connecticut Fark Party tonight at C J Sparrow Pub & Eatery. LGT directions | (68) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Survery finds 96% of women get headaches from sex. So she really means it when she says not tonight honey | (144) |
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Headline writer apparently thinks we're at war with Africa | (42) |
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Iranian filmmaker depicts Christianity from a Muslim perspective with none of that controversial "Son of God" and crucifixion stuff. Where's your Mel Gibson now? | (332) |
| (walb) | |
Urban legend: Hiding your marijuana in Coffee doesn't work | (105) |
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Steve Fossett sets one final speed record. Declared dead after missing for six months... six and a half years ahead of schedule for most mis-adventurers | (39) |
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Rise of the man-child. "If you raise boys on violent video games and give them easy access to pornography, don't expect them grow up to respect the law or to respect women." | (323) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Choose "2nd Day Air" so you don't appear pretentious | (181) |
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Two California men have been arrested on charges of animal cruelty to sick and injured cows. Fark: they worked at a slaughterhouse | (120) |
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The latest trend among innovative chefs is "back-to-nature cuisine". Instead of that cheeseburger, wouldn't you rather have some yummy acorn syrup, root broth or wild bird's eggs? | (61) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Doctor charged in Butte sex case | (94) |
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World's fattest cat put on forced diet after getting stuck in its cat door. Welcome to Faturday, er, Caturday | (671) |
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Batman tricks criminals into accepting arrest warrants by driving around city pretending to deliver Valentine's Day gifts. Harley Quinn should have known Joker isn't that sentimental | (36) |
| (Statesboro Herald) | |
If you just got fired from your job as a police officer, it's probably a bad idea to continue "searching" women at a bar | (24) |
| (Brisbane Times) | |
Aussie court rules teacher who slapped student was "practicising domestic discipline" which is not illegal. Bonus: Government sees no reason to change law. Suck it, nanny-staters | (108) |
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After very nearly completing 12-year sentence, Texas jury gives man 50 years for bringing drugs to parole officer meeting | (50) |
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Groom demonstrates his re-commitment to spouse. Has blow-up doll take his place. Wife takes no notice. Enjoys honeymoon anyway | (17) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Sir Paul McCartney settles divorce case with Heather Mills for about $110 million. Sources say she really kneeds the money, and was hip to the settlement. Tibia fibula. Ankle | (156) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Santa Fe terrorized by polite thief. Handsome and sexy, he targets shops run by single women who give him the money because he's so knife | (23) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop challenge: Complete this unfinished portrait | (86) |
| (News4Jax) | |
"Dear Judge, please accept this $100 bill as a little token of gratitude and appreciation towards me. P.S. Take your wife out to dinner on me on Valentine's Day." | (29) |
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Long-lost brother and sister tell story of their forbidden love. George Michael Bluth seen feverishly taking notes in background | (175) |
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New York Parks employee charged after using his cart to run down five pigeons, two seagulls, a krub, two fents, four bricks and three burshes. W3rd | (36) |
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Man hospitalized after unprovoked attack by vicious housecat. "It is an evil cat. If it was a human it would be a drug dealer or something," his wife points out | (171) |
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A major conference of futurologists pick the top challenges for the next fifty years, including providing clean water, securing cyberspace and getting the hell out of Iraq | (37) |
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Golden retriever escapes house being burglarized. Found wandering neighborhood carrying tennis ball. German Shepherds, Pit Bulls seen face-palming | (118) |
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For sale: pleasure yacht. Amenities include swimming pools, opulent salons, a rocket launcher and mini-submarine | (44) |
Fri February 15, 2008
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Wealthy British fund manager lures his estranged wife to Scotland under the guise of reconciliation. Promptly divorces her because Scottish law does not count his six-figure bonuses as income | (122) |
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Woman says being dead really ruins her life | (62) |
| (Some Stoned Guy) | |
PSA: When you have 600 lbs of pot in the car, don't tailgate a fuel tanker | (51) |
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Man keeps coming back to bar, spraying customers with "bear spray." Ursus, foiled again | (57) |
| (FT dot com) | |
Eschewing the more traditional and less expensive Indian burial ground route, an American has paid $50,000 for Korean scientists to clone his dog | (68) |
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The Not Rick James Batch | (209) |
| (Green Bay Press Gazette) | |
Website owner who sold gun accessories to Cho Seung-Hui did the same for NIU shooter. Alek Hidell unavailable for comment | (358) |
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The cheapest place to rent in America? Wichita, KS, where $470 gets you a brand-new one-bedroom with views of open wheat fields | (162) |
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Florida schools to add the phrase "scientific theory of" before evolution, the Big Bang, and the Female Orgasm | (759) |
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Oldest person in the world suddenly six years older | (80) |
| (Some Hot Guy) | |
Photoshop this fire breather | (56) |
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Paying attention in science class? That's a stabbin' | (47) |
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Mystery deepens as third right foot washes up on BC shore in less than a year. Holmes turns to Watson, says: "The game is afoot" | (98) |
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Baghdad kids had no access to wheelchairs. Until now. Watch, but be prepared to weep like a little girl | (88) |
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Brazilian girl escapes from kidnapper after nine years | (176) |
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The Guinness World Records brand now belongs to Ripley's... believe it or not | (53) |
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Judge: You are guilty. Your lawyer may give his closing argument now | (113) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Your GPS directions will soon be voiced by people like Ozzy Osbourne, the queen, John Cleese and Sex-Toy Sue | (141) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Not news: Judge arrested for DUI. News: While dressed like a call girl. Fark: It's a man, baby | (64) |
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That Baltimore cop who assaulted the skateboarder doesn't like artists either | (286) |
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Dead zone off of Oregon coast larger than ever. Christopher Walken sought for questioning | (137) |
| (Some Guy) | |
They're takin' our blow jobs | (145) |
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Now the nanny state considers making smokers pay for a tobacco permit | (84) |
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Firefighters spend an hour in the rain trying to extract cat from undercarriage of a car. Cat escapes while no one's looking, hides out on the fire truck for a ride back to the station | (81) |
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Daily Show: Al-Qaeda is now a brand with franchises, like Quiznos. Al-Qaeda does have lower prices and better service | (82) |
| (kgw.com) | |
Oregon's "turtle boy" makes a comeback on Internet | (54) |
| (thelocal.se) | |
Dangerous moped gang makes court appearance, intimidates witnesses with the prospect of paper-chain beatings | (62) |
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Caption this whisper | (173) |
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Three Ohio couples have white (castle) wedding. Honeymoon set for McDonald's playland | (78) |
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Bush: if we don't let telcos off the hook for letting me spy on everyone YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE | (682) |
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When visiting your local police station, be sure to leave your hash at home. Oh yeah, and don't walk in drinking an open beer if there's a liquor ban, either | (23) |
| (H.I.) | |
Actual headline: "Underwear on the face didn't fool anyone" | (55) |
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Congratulations Newark, NJ on making it 30 consecutive days without killing someone. Only 10 more and Camden will have to stop that pesky "1963" chant | (206) |
| (MSN Money) | |
Vindication for only having beer and hot sauce in the fridge: Eating out is cheaper than cooking | (565) |
| (A beginners error) | |
This really cannot be stressed enough: if you've vanished with $70k and your mistress, don't sign up to appear in any popular movies | (31) |
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"Honey trapping" has rules of engagement: The target must not be drunk, there must be no touching, and the relative attractiveness of the trapper to the target must be equal | (257) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Create your own iPodlike silhouette poster ad | (198) |
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Texas messed with | (202) |
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Bizzare, slippery, white substance closes roads in San Diego county | (97) |
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♫ Rocky Raccoon / made power lines go boom / and thousands were left without power ♫ | (49) |
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After taking his first steps, two-year-old begins his first of the 12 steps | (97) |
| (NY Daily News) | |
Fat, drunk and playing around with your semiautomatic rifle in your apartment is no way to go through life, son | (172) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The Anonymity Experiment. Leaving no trace is as hard as you would think | (117) |
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AudioEdit theme: Ruining a perfectly good date with a terrible followup phone message | (38) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Britain unveils high-tech "laser eyes" for combat troops (with exceedingly unfortunate accompanying pic advertising something completely unrelated) | (122) |
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Sewage workers call in ghostbuster after seeing "zombie" in underground tunnels. Rare ghostbuster trifecta now in play | (184) |
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UK official proposes "temporarily" sterilizing teen girls. At least it's better than locking them in their room until they're 18. With pic of teen mom enjoying a fag with her toddler | (721) |
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Woman cracks open egg to find second egg inside it. Slow news day (pics) | (107) |
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Chances are, if you made a list of your dream jobs, "pet food taste-tester" wouldn't be on it. Unlike this guy | (51) |
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Scientists baffled by the apparent extinction of white-tailed jack rabbits in Yellowstone park. Wolves walking away slowly, whistling, trying very hard to look innocent | (90) |
| (Times Union) | |
Administrators try to convince students to replace annual Halloween TP'ing event with the much more environmentally friendly activity of raking leaves. Right, if there's one thing college students are known for, it's doing chores | (40) |
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"Smarter farkers took the submitter to task in the story's reaction/response section, showing that a good number of people knew the submission line was totally wrong" | (95) |
| (east valley tribune) | |
News: Teacher gets knocked up by 16-year-old. Fark: She continued to teach. Of course there's a pic (you don't want to see it, but you will click anyway) | (204) |