Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-02-10 23:59:59'

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Sun February 10, 2008

(koco.com)	The good news is that the new 911 system is up to date to ensure a rapid response. The bad news is that the post office won't deliver your mail until you change your address	(25)
	Al Qaeda in Iraq: The surge is kicking our ass	(97)
(WOTV)	400 cars stranded after 50 car pileup in Michigan	(46)
	Obama takes Maine, making him 4 for 4 this weekend	(295)
	We're gonna need a bigger coffin. Roy Scheider dead at 75	(235)
	The Patriots may have lost the Super Bowl but at least they didn't contract parvovirus like participants in the Puppy Bowl	(188)
(Some Blog Guy)	If you think a professor at a digital arts college would know what a tripod looks like... you'd be wrong	(96)
	Boulder Colorado is the smartest city in the US, just ask anyone who lives there	(128)
	Stupid beer laws are going the way of the dodo	(180)
	Mom whose son was killed by tornado in Indiana in 2005 brings 'playground on wheels' to kids whose homes were destroyed by tornadoes in Kentucky last week (pic)	(48)
	Nixon resignation outtakes	(111)
	Marrying a distant relative could lead to a larger family, transfer to West Virginia	(66)
(Some Guy)	Man invents vitamin-laced beer after noting his countrymen's preferred drinking habits. "Filipinos drink only on three occasions—when they are sad, when they are happy and in between"	(60)
(Politico.com)	Hillary Clinton's campaign manager nearly breaks her ankle jumping off the bandwagon	(381)
	Society must be protected from people who commit sexual attacks while they are asleep	(66)
	British invent new sport of horse surfing. "It just feels amazing - you have the power of the horse and the power of the wave which are two of nature's most inspiring forces" (pic)	(70)
	What do you call a wrestler with no legs, forearms, or hands? Champ	(112)
(Some Guy)	If you're a critic of the government’s illegal-immigration policies it probably shouldn't come as a surprise when two F-16's pay you a visit when you're out tooling around in your Cessna	(109)
(Some Potty Mouth)	News: man jumps out of moving car. Fark: so he could curse at cops	(9)
	Dick Cheney seeks to block release of videotaped depositions of two aides who tell conflicting stories about an alleged assault by a war protestor, fears they may end up being re-cut into a YouTube parody movie. Leave Cheney alone	(51)
	Michigan town automatically upgrades citizens toilets to bidets without even being asked to do so. No that's what you call good public service	(32)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this dancer	(48)
	National Health Service advises rigorous sex to stave off heart disease and cancer. In other news, beer keeps you thin and chocolate cures ebola	(54)
	Social security declares a very much alive woman is dead... twice. Then go digging in her bank account. They must really want that check back	(43)
	The obituary that has it all: six marriages in three months, 100 B-movie roles, nailing his best friend's mom at age 15, nailing Hedy Lamarr later on, jazz lessons from Louis Armstrong, plus mujahideen, the French Foreign Legion, and the RAF	(154)
	Attention commuters: prepare to dye	(41)
	"White lobster" responsible for Nicaraguan town's booming economy, impressive beer consumption	(38)
	Captured terrorist diary reveals Al Qaeda may be crumbling, Hannah Montana is AWESOME, and that slut Basheera is a two-faced liar	(234)
(Teachers Beards.org)	Help benefit a food pantry in submitter's neighborhood... by voting for the Ugly Teacher Beards of JEHS (w/pic brilliance)	(56)
	$5,000 is reasonable compensation for being wrongfully jailed for a year on a child molestation charge, right?	(161)
(Bloomberg)	Chrysler is talking to other automakers about using the mechanical underpinnings of their models and putting a new exterior on them in order to cut costs	(126)
	Britain to launch "dial-a-bobby" scheme, which involves publishing police officers' e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers so people can contact them directly. Your cunning plan seems to have a flaw	(40)
	After years of research, it is determined that affluent kids are six times as likely as poor ones to obtain a college degree. Judge Smails advises that world needs ditch diggers too	(155)
	And now for something completely different: A lion riding a horse (with pics)	(99)
	Problem: Mother upset to find picture of daughter on Google. Solution: Call local news agency so EVERYONE knows there is a picture of daughter on Google	(159)
(UfoSpider)	Three airliners, six pilots, their cabin crew and half the passengers witness UFO as big as a battle ship... simultaneously	(121)
(Some Gardener)	This Sunday morning scaremongering article asks, "Is your garden's fertilizer a radioactive hazard?"	(58)
	Man who knocked up his son's 18-year-old girlfriend and then tried to run him over with the family car says he hopes everyone can just get along again	(80)
(Some Lawyer)	Should America deport anybody who tears up a parking ticket?	(75)
(Palm Beach Post)	Because of all the food safety issue problems, kosher food sales are way up	(190)
(Some Guy)	Berke Breathed has lost all perspective on what normal people get stressed over	(101)
(Palm Beach Post)	"Being a Democrat in Florida is like being the coyote in a Road Runner cartoon. Things start out so promising, but in the end you just screw up everything in a comical way. Beep beep"	(124)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop what's in this cup of tea	(66)
	Man killed in go-kart accident. Authorities suspect it was a red shell (from the voting tab)	(71)
	Man hides dead wife in drum for 23 years. Listen to your father, girls: never date a drummer	(68)
	Giant rabbit comes within a hare of winding up in stew pot before his owner decides he's too famous to cook (pic)	(72)
(Some Drunk)	♫ ♪ It knows when you're not sober / It knows when you've been drunk / It knows when you've been sloshed or smashed / So you'd better stay clean, you punk ♪ ♫	(57)
(Some Guy)	If you're a newspaper reporter and think it's a good story idea to sneak a knife and gun on a plane 24 hours after an attempted hijacking, you can pretty much kiss that Pulitzer goodbye	(22)
	Hambulance	(57)
(wmbb.com)	Teen's family claims it is perfectly normal to create a secret encrypted language and use it to lay out an elaborate plan to kill multiple classmates. Mother of the Year candidate: "He has a wonderful imagination" w/ vid	(105)
	Macho ex-British Marine celebrates his retirement by turning into Mrs. Doubtfire (w/ uncanny post-op pic)	(67)
	Drunk couple jump out of taxi to argue in middle of highway. Speedbumpularity ensues	(31)
(ventura star)	Prisoner #1: Whaddaya in for? Prisoner #2: GTA. Prisoner #1: What kinda car? Prisoner #2: No, grand theft avocado	(29)
	If (GPA < 2.0), housing = no	(178)
(QCTimes)	17-year old tricks out car to look like a squad car at night with flashing red and blue lights and strobes. Guess who he tried to pull over first?	(70)
	It's no scarlet letter, but it works	(59)
(Some Letter Carrier)	Photoshop what's in the bag	(44)
	Children's Rights Commissioner in Nanny State urges Mosquito noise device, that drives off pretards by emitting high-pitched whine only they can hear, 'infringes their human rights.' Which is sorta the point	(83)
(NZ Herald)	News: Police intervene in domestic fight. Fark: A pillow fight	(44)
(Some Cow)	"Kidman swimsuit fetches nine cows at auction"	(53)

Sat February 09, 2008

	Countries around the world look forward to outcome of 2008 elections, because for first time in eight years, they won't have to bring colouring books to international summits	(205)
(Some Guy)	Teenager tells a game forum that he's going to burn down a church and then posts pics of himself in the act, because everybody knows that the cops don't have the internet	(80)
	Obama takes Nebraska, Washington and Louisiana to complete the Saturday Democratic trifecta (off-shore bonus: Virgin Islands)	(1121)
(Some Guy)	Tinfoil hats required: "The last week has seen a spate of unexplained, cut, undersea communications cables...the total number of cut cables remain in question, but likely number as many as eight, and maybe nine or more"	(141)
	Bride dies during first dance at wedding reception	(300)
(Some Guy)	Ahhh, nothing like the scent of oil and grease to bring a man and a woman together for that tractor pull of love	(19)
	Ancient history: Full-service gas stations. Old and busted: Self-serve gas stations. New hotness: Full-service gas stations using robots	(62)
	International Falls, MN officially declared "Icebox of the Nation," narrowly edging Witches Tit, WI and Welldigger's Ass, ND	(89)
	Put the tequila down and come out with your hands up	(27)
	Huckabee wins Kansas, evolves into stronger candidate	(198)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop a background for this colorful dancer	(90)
	Dumb: Lady finds dog, thinks it's abandoned, and gives it to her sister. Dumber: She found it in a dog park. Dumbass: The owner was also at the dog park	(109)
	Price of oil to rise on the fact that some guy just spent $6.75M for a license plate in UAE	(65)
	News: lawyer charged with assault. Fark: after shaking hands with federal prosecutor	(62)
	Ohio mayor tells busload of Marines who had arrived in city for weekend training exercise to get out, saying their exercise would "frighten" citizens	(176)
(NYT)	How do you save a failing inner-city school? Why, send a Hasidic Jew with military training to be principal, of course	(131)
	London's Camden Market engulfed in flames (with video)	(129)
	One way to get ahead in your job is by showing the dedication of taking your work home with you. That is unless you work in a law enforcement crime lab and have the keys to the evidence closet where the cocaine is kept	(19)
	Creationists are working hard to make Europe the new Florida	(758)
	"It grieves me to break it to you that Canadians are, in fact, not particularly sexy."	(137)
	Heartwarming story of a lonely U.S. soldier in Iraq who befriends a divorced woman and her kids as a pen-pal, and they all lived happily ever after. Together	(52)
(Citizens' Voice)	Not news: 108 year old woman dies. FARK: Credited Coors Light for keeping her young	(71)
	Rare ugly ass baby monkey being raised by evolved monkey	(39)
(Some Guy)	Military institute blames 30% enrollment decline on Iraq war. Mission Accomplished	(141)
(Trinidad Express)	Naked woman restrained by six people. "Her skin is really smooth," one commented	(75)
	Rookie teacher busted for using masking tape to restrain special education student. As anyone with tenure knows, it is a lot harder for them to wriggle free if you use duct tape	(79)
	Why it’s okay to settle for Mr. Good Enough	(430)
(SB Sun)	If you've misplaced 181 snakes and Gila monsters, 13 turtles and four desert tortoises, animal control officers would like to speak with you	(24)
	Yahoo to Microsoft: Suck it	(69)
(Some Guy)	News: Seven men attempt to break into an elderly couple's house and are shot at. Fark: The mother of the man shot calls the couple to complain about them shooting her son	(130)
	#615 of things we already knew without a study: Homework of little benefit to students	(160)
	42-year-old mother has parental rights terminated for having affair with 16-year-old boy	(80)
	Russian bomber flies over contested island in Northern Japan. The Japanese miltiary responds "appropriately" by scrambling 22 fighter jets and 2 AWACs. Amazingly, hillarity doesn't ensue	(158)
	Enterprising Wal-Mart employee loads $20's into a self-service register's $1 change slot and makes 10 purchases just to get change back. In related news, Wal-Mart has an enterprising employee	(106)
	250 people protest parking tickets issued for violating a parking ban during a non-existent snow storm	(38)
	Microsoft contributes to global warming, and gets praised for their efforts	(34)
(Mr Entitlement)	Apparently Mr. Schmeling, my driver's ed instructor, was wrong when he told us a drivers license is a privilege. ACLU says "you are entitled to have a license"	(153)
(Some Guy)	Chinese chefs inspired by Year of the Rat. "Diners say the meat is tender and better than chicken"	(46)
(NYT)	It turns out that biofuels are worse for the environment than oil. You're doing it wrong	(126)
(Some Gal)	Photoshop theme: Literal translations of popular idioms	(171)
	Former detective starts company to sell off unclaimed stolen property for police agencies. "I've learned two things. One: people will steal anything. Two: people will buy anything."	(27)
(The Day)	Bomb scare in CT Senior Living Center forces evacuation. "It looked like a summer camp sing-a-long, except that it was neither summer nor a camp. And it was a slightly older crowd." Police believ...wait.. what?	(18)
(Ron Paul 2008)	Ron Paul to scale back his campaign, concentrate on re-election to Congress. Thousands of moody loners mourn in their mom's basements	(563)
	Wedding decorations: $25,000. Fine for screwing them up: $322,751. Yuppie with entitlement issues whining about "decapitated roses": Priceless	(178)
(kten)	Gary Larson's cows would've known it was coming	(56)
	Soon the only place smokers will be able to smoke will be nowhere	(205)
	Mukasey says the Justice Department cannot investigate waterboarding. If only there were some way to coerce him into doing his job	(108)
	It turns out that Alzheimer's patients and vegetarian zombies need the same thing: GRAAAIIINNS	(35)
	70-year-old woman: "Get off my lawn". Cops: "Not until you water it". Woman: "No". Cops: "That's a handcuffin'"	(95)
	They pull a snowball, you pull a knife. He pelts one of you with slush, you send one of his to the hospital. That's the Canadian way	(37)
	Ireland debates switch to right-hand driving, since their drunken citizenry has been driving that way for years	(58)
(NY Daily News)	Federal judge says the Americans with Disabilities Act requires restaurant workers to be polite to the blind	(83)
	Scottish government releases guide for Caturday. Helpful tips include avoiding the spin dryer and six-story falls from the balcony	(506)
	Hearse overturns in funeral horses’ stampede	(18)
	The Last American ocean liner heads to the scrapper	(69)
	Not news: woman caught three times for drunk driving. Fark: within five hours	(25)
	18 year old: "They gave me a DWR — driving while Republican." And just when you thought we were making headway on oppression in America	(205)
(Metro.co.uk)	Woman is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that putting a gasoline can on a lit stove may burn your trailer down	(36)
	Pentagon says that war strains the military's capabilities. In other news, the sky is blue, grass is green, and Drew is on his 10th beer as we speak	(57)
	Restaurant customer returns £18k bottle of wine when he notices it is fake, has to instead make do with a £20k bottle instead. Don't you hate when that happens to you?	(70)
	We've secretly placed this woman's miscarried fetus in with her personal belongings, let's see if she notices	(72)
	Old and busted: road rage. New hotness: drive-thru rage (w/mugshot)	(40)
(Nat Geo)	Mayans used to paint their temples with glitter for special occasions. Sorta like strippers	(31)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this vacuum tube	(74)
	Botox (short for Botulism Toxin) found to be toxic, cause botulism	(102)
	Baby born in car named "Adele" because that was the song playing on the radio at the time. Child expected to go through life grateful that station wasn't playing Iron Maiden's Charlotte the Harlot (pic)	(71)
(Casper Star Tribune)	Not news: Woman arrested in connection with cocaine ring. News: She was a sixth-grade teacher. Fark: Who taught DARE classes	(72)
	World photo contest winners here to remind you that your pictures suck. Subject in #5 would be lucky to enjoy it (a couple photos may be somewhat disturbing)	(120)
(WYFF4.com)	You lock your keys in your SUV in a remote wilderness area. Do you (a) smash out a window or (b) die of hypothermia waiting for help?	(136)
	Everything you've always suspected about grown men who like to dress up as bunnies turns out to be true (w/ pic that will haunt your dreams)	(72)
(Poughkeepsie Journal)	Landocalrissan Butler crashes car onto lawn after brief police chase. Yes, that Landocalrissan Butler	(108)
(WWaY TV-3)	When taking your kid to school, it's usually a good idea to leave your gun at home with your fake US Marshall credentials	(26)
(Some 'mitter)	In Los Angeles, they've banned the selling of grilled hot dogs wrapped in bacon. Oh the ham-anity	(231)
	Pizza Hut staff tell a group of gay men who turned up in mini-skirts and high heels that they're out of pepperoni. "It was clear they were embarrassed by us," notes one of the men	(90)
	Dodge Viper discontinued, thousands of American males now forced to turn to Viagra for penile enhancement	(99)

Fri February 08, 2008

	The most amazing river surfing video you will see today. (with Rage background music bonus and super cute sunglasses kid finish)	(48)
	Crocs sued for delivering delicious toes to alligator-like escalators	(74)
	25 percent of teens have sex by age 16. In related news, 75 percent of fathers of teen girls have one of those nice Mossberg over-and-unders, and enjoy showing the neat laser-sighting feature to their daughter's dates	(199)
	If there was ever a victimless crime, it would be making the repairman fix your tv dish at gun point cause he was late. I mean, come on	(35)
	The little engine that could, does. That's gonna leave a smear	(37)
	After hitting a pedestrian, habitual traffic offender has car crushed by police. That will be an interesting insurance claim	(41)
	Typical College lockdown in Canada: no guns have been found, no shots were fired, no one was injured and no one has been arrested	(52)
	Hot girls, uni-brows, strange tattoos - It's Friday mug-shot time at the Smoking Gun	(200)
	The best mother and son robbery team mugshots you'll see all day	(51)
	Ugly women start their own Facebook group	(141)
	"Droopy Drawers Bandit" steals 20 TVs with pants at his knees. He doesn't let that slow him down	(27)
	The rules for these rebate checks reads a lot like stereo instructions	(134)
	A Milwaukee couple concocts a beer that tastes like pizza -- Pizza Beer	(57)
(KHOU)	If your school bus driver won't let you on while eating your oatmeal, do you c) get your mother's boyfriend to chase down the bus and open fire	(41)
(KXAN-TV)	If you're going to go through all the trouble to convict a rapist, you probably shouldn't leave his cell door unlocked	(24)
	Police searching for rapist described as black, large and tall arrest man who is white, small and short – and despite being exonerated, he's still wearing an ankle bracelet five months later (pic)	(80)
	Homeless guy with a cardboard sign? Better pay attention to the fine print	(126)
(Some long tall Texan)	Vote on the new license plate for Texas. Difficulty: None of the plates suck like all y'all's other states	(253)
	Anna Nicole Smith, one year later (spoiler alert: She's still dead)	(71)
	Media trumpeting of new threat: Killer jellyfish. "A perfect toxin-loaded killing machine, there is no creature on earth that can dispatch a human being so easily or so quickly"	(119)
	Captain Obvious just held a quick news conference to let you know that fat people don't like to wear seatbelts	(49)
	Chapter 1 of "Dummies Guide To Theft": Don't lock your keys in the getaway car	(10)
	Iran starts construction on second nuclear power plant. Yeah, this is going to end well	(169)
	Archbishop of Canterbury "shocked" at the hostile reaction his Sharia remarks generated. "Get a grip, for Allah's sake," he said	(139)
	If you left a five-ton anchor wrapped around a broken undersea cable, the Internet would like a word with you	(88)
	Polaroid ends production of instant film products. Millions of old ladies wonder what they're going to shake now	(148)
(Some New Mexican)	Hey, you think they'll notice that we are Clinton supporters and we kept three ballot boxes in our home overnight?	(235)
	Don't even think about collecting rain water in Colorado because it is meant for others downstream	(103)
	"Why Paper Cuts Hurt So Much: The Mystery." It's not news, it's ABCNews.com	(102)
(KREM.com)	Could be the Yeti or some kind of freak rabbit, but a guy in Montana has pics of what he calls the Rare Albino Moose	(87)
	Lockdown at Sheridan College. Canadians have guns too apparently	(189)
	Despite his flamboyant attitude, metrosexual ways, and that big, gay mustache, the guitarist of Queen had no idea Freddie Mercury was gay	(222)
(Some Ohio Player)	Photoshop this roller coaster and riders	(53)
	Black lab survives six-story fall off parking garage. Rescuers say the lab landed on its head, so it suffered no damage (pic)	(177)
	NBC suspends David Shuster for suggesting the Clintons are "pimping" Chelsea	(232)
(Some Guy)	Fred Phelps will picket the funerals of those killed by tornadoes and the victims of the Illinois mall shooting. In other words, he's gonna show up at your funeral, no matter where or how you died	(260)
	To prove to police he was indeed a genuine vampire/werewolf, Carl "showed me his canine teeth," the officer said. "I let him know that all mammals, including humans, have canine teeth"	(119)
	Time Magazine's man of the year has just declared the beginning of a new arms race because NATO is not listening to Russia's concerns	(220)
	It took woman four years and $8,000 to pay off $500 she borrowed from a payday lender, learns lesson in personal responsibilty. Or not	(324)
(WGAL)	Selling stolen goods on eBay may lead to selling said goods back to the guy you stole them from, who will then call the police	(45)
	Bush greeted by chants of "four more years" from a group of conservative constitutionalists. Ironic and Stupid tags in a dead heat	(367)
(National Post)	The cult of global warming shows its true colors. Jail time for the non-believers	(551)
(Some Guy)	The history of throwing rotten tomatoes	(27)
	Junior high student newspaper yanked after student submits alcoholic recipe. Student says he thought schnapps was candy	(48)
	Putin calls ruble strong, disses Fred and Wilma	(33)
(LaCrosse Tribune)	Honda Accords can apparently go over 135 mph. Who knew?	(387)
(myTelus)	If your twin brother has unpaid tickets, try to not live in Pennsylvania	(60)
	Male prostitute strangled two men and their cat because he wanted money for heroin. It is unclear just how much money the cat had	(102)
	Atlanta Fark Party TOMORROW, Charlie Mopps, 7pm. They have BEER	(95)
	If you decide to shoplift from Best Buy, try not to run into oncoming traffic in your effort to flee	(64)
	Half of British men would give up sex for six months for a 50-inch plasma TV. No word on if it's possible to get one for time served	(219)
(Some Guy)	Clinton campaigners rent New Hampshire building for five days. Result: Building is left trashed and rent never gets paid	(219)
	When shopping for car insurance, be sure to check whether or not your policy will cover windows broken while loading stolen loot into your van	(16)
	Today's "homemade circumcision" brought to you by North Carolina	(482)
	Super Tuesday, Ambiguous Wednesday and imprisonment for sick people -- this week's "What's Your Story?"	(58)
(WOAI)	Ambulances put on standby as Cheney returns to hunting in Texas	(77)
	If you were flying over Calgary Thursday morning, you'll be pleased to know that the dump you took destroyed a woman's roof	(141)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Man drives wife to hospital for swelling due to allergic reaction to medicine. Fark: On the way, he's mistakenly arrested at gunpoint because police thought he beat her up	(188)
(Some Guy)	"Mathematically impossible Clinton or Obama will win nomination through regular voting process." All hail our super-delegate overlords	(406)
	Good: Having a wife. Better: Having a harem of wives. Best: Collecting welfare on all of them	(94)
(Palm Beach Post)	Bad news: Doctor pulls gun on one of his patients. Good news: The patient's hiccups are gone	(67)
(NY Sun)	A Jewish couple's bid to take a tax deduction that the IRS reserves only for Scientology is getting a friendly reception from a federal appeals court	(840)
	Imperial Sugar Company (NASDAQ:IPSU) down over 10 percent on news that they just assploded	(64)
(TheSimpleKindofLife)	Old Navy offering pre-worn women's pants. Offer surprisingly not valid in Japan	(62)
	She was so proud her two-year-old son had managed to brush his teeth on his own, until he jammed the toothpaste cap into the plughole and turned on the taps. Hilarity did not ensue	(67)
	Not to panic anyone or anything, but Prince William County police would really like to know if anyone has seen two stolen tankers with thousands of gallons of fuel in them	(73)
(Some Photojournalist)	Shots fired at Louisiana Technical College. Lone female shooter. Submitter is on the scene	(484)
	Farting is allowed at a Maine middle school, contrary to what you may have read. I repeat, farting is allowed	(81)
	"Authorities say 'stupidity' was the motive"	(37)
	Today's "living with a dead guy on your sofa for five years" story brought to you by those jolly chaps in the UK	(46)
	Politicians do not need to expense receipts for “food.” In related news, “food” can encompass iPods, televisions and fish tanks	(36)
(Some Guy)	Tourist marketing committee spends 13 months coming up with new nickname for beach coastal community. Result? "The Beach"	(66)
	With nothing better to spend their time and money on, VA Senate bans the term "mentally retarded" in VA laws. Replaces it with "intellectually disabled"	(171)
(Wiki)	This month is the 10-year anniversary of the L.A. bank shootout between under-armed cops and robbers with automatic rifles	(225)
(Some Guy)	Slow news day? Here's the five most painful spots to get tattooed. The glans demands a recount	(238)
	In the midst of one of the snowiest winters on record, the city of Chicago may run out of money for snow removal	(145)
(Some Guy)	Sheriff says the existence of a cross-dressing driver sporting a mustache and wearing women's underwear, a garter belt and black high-heel boots, "unsettling." (w/police sketch)	(61)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this soapbox racer	(42)
	British man jailed in Dubai after officials find some pot weighing less than a grain of sugar under his shoe	(271)
	Feel like climbing a mountain or training to join an Olympic team? Not so fast, citizen. Michael Eisner says the writer's strike is over, and your couch misses your butt	(84)
	Laugh all you want. At least in Florida we take our lawn care seriously	(49)
(Indy Channel)	Pot and booze not among the best things to include at your 11-year-old daughter's birthday party (with mugshot)	(61)
(Some Guy)	British call for "winter" to be abolished, arguing climate change has made it disappear. Thirty million Canadians would like a word, guv'nor	(112)
(The Local)	Stakes high in Swedish classroom sexual relations. Teacher flashes a pair and loses her job. Pupil wins the money but doesn't get to hold 'em	(42)
(Some Guy)	Young musician didn't see sharp, now be flat	(71)
	Why the UK is better than the U.S., No. 142: The government actually cancels bridge tolls once the bridges have been paid off. (With toll-booth demolition goodness)	(154)
	If the beard and the dress and the whole 'believing in a mythical creature' thing didn't make it clear enough, this latest outburst from the Archbishop of Canterbury clinches it: He's nuts	(124)
(Some Guy)	Fourteen-year-old boy arrested after FBI cryptologists decipher coded letter, saying it reveals detailed plans to attack school (with letter)	(148)
(Earth Times)	Doctor gets life in prison for filming patients naked, possibly posing them in elaborate dance sequences	(45)
	How my affair with a married teacher twice my age when I was 16 wrecked my life... complete with a most hittable pic	(110)
	Disney World to add an "American Idol" attraction. Fonzie, that's your cue	(39)
	Man, 34, who had sex with a 13-year-old girl gets his sentence cut in half because the judge determined there was "real love" between the pair	(137)
	Old and busted: Wedding cakes. New hotness: Divorce cakes	(82)
	Estimated 17 million U.S. dogs overweight or obese. Your dog doesn't want steak	(85)
	Not news: Woman gives birth at home. Still not news: Drives herself to the hospital. Fark: Leaves newborn at home alone	(57)
	This week's "teacher's aide charged with inappropriate relations with a student" story brought to you by New Jersey (with creepy mugshot)	(47)
	Dozens injured, including at least 30 critically, in an explosion at a sugar factory near Savannah, Georgia	(84)
	Pilots stabbed in attack on New Zealand plane. I just wanted to wish you both good luck. We're all countin on... oh crap	(90)
(Talkies are just a faze)	Photoshop this oldster at the console of the Paramount 3/12 Mighty Wurlitzer Theatre Pipe Organ	(58)
	Ladies, want to increase your chances of pregnancy? All it takes is a little prick	(56)
(9News)	Old and busted: School uniforms. New hotness: Cross dressing. Bonus: 3rd grade	(141)
(Some Guy)	Feuding Scottish families take to the streets to battle with swords, baseball bats and golf clubs	(66)

Thu February 07, 2008

	Story about JFK's illegitimate son living in Vancouver spiked by Vanity Fair after phone call. Ted Kennedy seen fleeing phone booth on grassy knoll	(50)
(Some Guy)	Off-duty corrections officer detains would-be mini-mart robber by smashing him in the head with a 6-pack. Robber grateful the officer didn't have a bigger drinking problem	(43)
	Jena 6 member arrested again for assaulting classmate	(424)
	Ted Turner says he doesn't want to buy all the land in the contiguous United States -- just everything that touches the 1,960,000 acres he already owns	(81)
	The switch to Digital TV just over a year away, leaving the media just 376 days to try to find one single person who will actually be affected by the change	(223)
(NASA)	After two months of delays, Atlantis succesfully launched into orbit. Wait, we found Atlantis? Why are we launching it into space? This is confusing	(93)
(Honolulu Advertiser)	"Looking back, she can see that much of their problems can be traced to lack of exercise and diets that rely on 'all those saturated things like Spam'." Mmm... Spam	(72)
	RIAA spins its Next Brilliant Idea wheel. This week: anti-virus software should filter out and prevent pirated files from getting to your computer at all. Mac users seen asking "anti-what?"	(273)
	Monster sinkhole splits interstate in half in Denver	(77)
	Sean Hannity isn't the only trainwreck in DC today	(65)
(WPBF-TV)	Authorities find proverbial Noah's Ark, seize dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, mice, guinea pigs, chickens, pigs, turtles, tortoises, lizards, fish, a duck, ferret, sugar glider, chinchilla and a peacock from dirty home	(51)
(huffpo)	The latest complete BS un-factchecked politics rumor: Gore may endorse Obama	(146)
(WSBTV)	If your pet emu is missing, the Georgia Natural Resources people would like to speak to you	(31)
	News: Surf hippies protest construction of a toll road because it'll totally wreck the waves man. Fark: And win	(89)
	"It might have been sharks with laser beams on their heads but I’m guessing it’s not," says expert referring to severed undersea cables (with artist rendering of said shark with laser beams)	(73)
	Om nom nom nom	(118)
	A day after being declared legal, and hours after the Justice department refuses to investigate, the head of the CIA says that waterboarding is probably illegal... wait, what?	(168)
(LasVegasNOW.com)	Country's favorite madam Heidi Fleiss busted again (w/mugshot)	(99)
	Stimulus plan passes. Spend your money frivolously or you hate America	(479)
	Led Zeppelin not playing Bonnaroo -- it's an all female tribute band. In other news there is an all female Led Zeppelin tribute band. Fark: Their name is Lez Zeppelin	(91)
	The next time you invite a bunch of amateur astronomers to a party in your home, make sure to lock up all your meteorites	(28)
(capital times)	Pothead calls for ambulance to get to the hospital. Forgot to tell them that he wanted to drive. Jailarity ensues. (2nd story down)	(56)
	Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz film "erotic" and "shocking" lesbian scene for new movie titled "THE BEST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD."	(435)
(Some Guy)	NASA calls on Fark for suggestions to re-name future telescope mission. VE	(219)
(KPHO)	Can you describe your assailant? "Small hands, smelled like cabbage."	(41)
(Some Stupid Coach)	If you've secretly taped the girls on your swim team in the locker room, you might want to delete the files from your computer before you sell it on eBay	(131)
(Some Guy)	TSA Complaints: Tell your side of the story about traveling under the Transportation Security Administration. Made by a Farker for super stats research into TSA incidents	(163)
	Pimp this moon rover	(68)
	Court rules that parents have a right to legally name aborted children. France surrenders	(118)
	Berkeley: "We are dead set against having military offices here." US Senate: "Enough to lose all your federal funding?" Berkeley: "What are you talking about? We support the troops and we always have"	(401)
	He put on sweat pants, grabbed a flashlight, drank a shot of whiskey, "and then I heard this noise"	(144)
(Some Guy)	Meet the guy who's winning all the radio and on-line contests you're not. "Entering contests gives the same sort of adrenaline rush that gambling does, but without the risk of financial loss," he says (w/ pic you gotta see)	(210)
	Bad: But for a lack of funding, some 19,000 child porn offenders in Virginia would be arrested. Worse: Virginia's numbers put them in 8th place overall	(136)
	Lab finds chocolate in $44 box of chocolates. Also finds cat hair, clothing fibers and small insect parts. Mmmm... small insect parts	(88)
	"Men are on a marriage strike, not necessarily because they are perpetual adolescents or avoiding deep attachments to others but because the reward for being an adult in our society is so low, especially for men."	(439)
(Some Guy)	Man sentenced to 16 months for indoor marijuana growing operation. Was busted after a county worker smelled pot on his tax payment	(174)
	List of 10 cheap Valentine's ideas includes 'shining her shoes' and 'taking her hostage'. Submitter: Speaking as a chick, how about we just stick with the chocolate	(246)
	Government officials claim that laptops and cell phones are no different from briefcases and they have equal rights to search all of them	(267)
(Some Guy)	Alaska Coast Guard busy looking for missing Japanese balloonist over the Gulf of Alaska. In other news, there's a Gulf of Alaska	(109)
(Buffalo News)	Cops arrest aggressive panhandlers; judges immediately free them because intimidating people into giving is "freedom of speech."	(164)
	Hoax: flavored meth distributed to children. Error: Internal police email about it forwarded accidentally. Fark, the book, 2nd ed: newspaper wants apology because they reported it unquestioningly as news	(53)
	Apparently, we just can't repeat this often enough: If you're transporting 32 pounds of heroin in your van, STAY WITHIN THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT	(53)
	Cops forgot to knock and take off their shoes before serving search warrant. Suspensions forthcoming for forgetting chips and beer	(140)
	Biggest Mafia round-up in twenty years as Feds arrest entire hierarchy of the Gambino crime family	(144)
	Hot hookers hump the handicapped at "Lady and the Ramp" brothel	(84)
(Some Guy)	Don't like your kid's redneck haircut? That's a felony battery and burglary charge	(24)
(Drew)	Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes	(141)
	New York State wants to classify flavored alcohol drinks as "liquor" instead of "beer" for tax purposes. Submitter prefers to classify them as "undrinkable" for any purpose	(124)
	Not news: Zoo hatches ugly-ass babies. News: Babies are endangered komodo dragons. Fark: The zoo's only males are the ones that just hatched	(110)
	Mother actually taking action and trying to discipline her problem child without the use of medicine. What is this, the 1950's?	(155)
(Wisconsin Capital Times)	The Wisconsin Capital Times newspaper finally decides it is time to publish on this new fangled Internet thingee	(40)
	Muncie, Indiana sanitation workers will wear clothes made out of the garbage they recycle. Still expected to look better than whatever Britney Spears happens to be wearing today	(34)
(IFC)	"Totally Gay for America" (Sponsored Link)	(51)
	After recent tornadoes devastated parts of Tennessee, a newborn baby has been found alive in a wheatfield three hundred feet from his destroyed home. No word yet if he has been nicknamed Russell	(109)
	Actual headline: "Russians open up new front in British-German sunbed war." In related news, there is a British-German sunbed war	(49)
	Mitt Romney suspends his Presidential campaign. McCain seen tenting his fingers, mumbling "Excellent..."	(880)
	Is there a Guinness world record for number of arrests? (with mug shot)	(95)
	The NAACP, the National Urban League and other groups are urging Congress to repeal a 20-year-old ban on federal funding for needle exchange programs	(132)
	American woman booked in Saudia Arabia for sitting next to a male colleague in Starbucks. In other news, Saudia Arabia has a Starbucks. Is no place safe?	(517)
(WVLT)	Accused red light camera shooter goes to court, hands out note-filled teddy bears to reporters	(62)
(NOLA.com)	New Orleans continues to make the case against rebuilding it	(486)
(The Daily Gazette)	List of proposed names for new Schenectady elementary school includes such icons as George Washington, Soujourner Truth and Elmo. Oh, and Cookies	(114)
(KWGN-TV)	Colorado representative says teen parents are sluts. Well, duh. Except now he's under fire for saying so	(262)
	Here's to you, Mr. "I went through my son's cell phone and sent dirty text messages to catholic teenage schoolgirls" guy	(111)
	Swedish man attacked with can of fermented fish. In other news, the Swedish eat fermented fish that smells like gorgonzola left in a Viking's jock strap and is banned by most airlines	(89)
(Press Citizen)	Two men arrested (after being rescued) after trying to smuggle weed into the U.S. from Canada by crossing a not-quite-so-frozen-after-all river. And that was the smartest part of their plan. Luckily for them, Darwin was too baked to notice	(35)
(Ottawa Sun)	Elderly man plans to argue in court that speeding laws are solely for young drivers, and he's "not that kind of person"	(63)
	Teacher shot by husband inside Ohio elementary school	(566)
(WINK)	Congress acts to make telemarketer Do Not Call Registry permanent	(200)
	Today's story about an animal shelter taking 26 cats away from an old man is provided by Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. Bonus: They took another 26 cats from him three years ago	(47)
	Old and busted: Pope soap on a rope. New hotness: Pope quotes on your phone	(30)
(Some Fireman)	Boyfrend reacts to girlfriend's request to move out by putting cat litter tray and cardboard over cooker rings set to full heat, then going to pub to get drunk	(95)
	Two more suspects arrested in Bhutto slaying, bringing the amount of Pervez Musharrafs arrested to zero	(38)
	Israeli air force pilots to be issued Viagra to assist with stick control & discharge of payload	(112)
	US citizens voted for Democratic candidates almost 2-to-1 over the Republican ones	(328)
(Metro)	A 282-pound man jailed for killing his wife by sitting on her during a domestic dispute. She'd told him to get off his fat arse	(48)
	Goblin captures ghost on cell-phone camera that just might be Henry VIII. Or this is completely made-up BS that the Daily Mail knows is fake but ran as a story anyhow. With pics	(156)
(Some Drongo)	Not news: A drunk man. News: Threatens to blow up half a city. Fark: With his television remote control	(51)
	Photoshop these grannies at the playground	(55)
(Bloomberg)	Accidentally leaked internal Obama memo projects Barack to finish with 1,806 delegates to Hillary's 1,789. It takes 2,025 to be nominated, and the missing 366 Michigan and Florida delegates would push Hillary over the top	(600)
(Some Guy)	Women gets Excalibur wedged firmly into her skull, then removed by one most worthy. "It's like, remember the Sword in the Stone?" (with scary X-ray)	(91)
	New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez caught on tape at a cockfight. His cock loses. Penis	(188)
	Builders working in the basement of an old building in the northern UK city of Leeds take this photo of what they claim is a ghost. Did I mention a gang of labourers died there 150 years ago? Ooooohh	(102)
	Court says Mom can't sue over circumcision. Thanks for the tip	(298)
	World's most expensive and succulent beef to be sold in England, where residents will buy it and then boil it for 15 hours to achieve consistency of proper British food	(121)
	Even if the city turns down your liquor license because your bar is called "Drunkenstein's", you do not have the right to mail a manifesto to the media explaining how you are planning to shoot people at the Super Bowl	(30)
	Man busted after breaking into home to use computer to print counterfeit money	(15)
(MaineToday.com)	Thieves break into the same Radio Shack twice. The first time they stole a memory card for a camera. The second time they stole the camera, "walking right past $800 laptop computers, iPods and Play Station 3 gaming systems."	(50)
	Happy birthday, Drew	(377)
(Miami New Times)	Single white man with yellow hat looking for spanking partner. Must love curious monkeys. Must pay attention to safe words	(39)
	The University of Wisconsin-Madison wants to build a 10,000-square-foot vivarium to possibly hold more than 33,000 mice and rats. Badger	(44)
	British police considered "a joke" by country's criminals. Police respond by sternly warning "STOP. Or I'll say 'STOP' again!"	(197)
(Some Guy)	Columnist fired for plagiarizing blog on plagiarism to write column on plagiary. If only there were some sort of tag one could use to sum this up	(52)
	Tories attack British government's alcohol strategy, calling it "another half-baked announcement designed to grab a headline." Admins call this a half-baked attempt to grab a greenlight	(14)
	Nanny State orders man to remove three-foot-tall potted plants from the ground outside his home in case they fall over and hurt someone	(40)
	In least credible survey ever, bus travel found "least stressful" way to travel. Apparently some people are lulled to sleep by the angry ambulatory schizophrenic in the seat ahead and Cletus and his carry-on chickens behind	(155)
	Police wait outside courthouse to arrest 3 to 5 people daily who try to drive away after licenses are suspended	(107)
(Some Teacher)	Photoshop this lecture	(52)
	The best pick-up lines from countries around the world. "Hey baby, wanna go to Sizzler? I got a coupon" strangely absent	(165)
	News: The world's largest liquor store is in Colorado. Not news: All of this state's college and university students all ready knew that. (with pictures)	(92)
	World's most politically-correct Valentine's Day card, guaranteed not to offend anyone, unveiled. Pics? Yeah, we got 'em	(90)
	News: State of Georgia seeks to redraw border with Tennessee because of incorrect land survery. Fark: Georgia just now getting around to objecting to survey done in 1818	(81)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 144: “Hot vs. Cold" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(112)

Wed February 06, 2008

	CORRECTION: Torladoes in South kill at least 54 people	(190)
(Some Guy)	Lawyer trademarks his 'Mr Loophole' nickname to prevent other lawyers using it. Don't worry, it isn't Not safe for work™	(70)
	Ecuador's Tungurahua volcano erupts	(102)
	Assault and rape in progress? We'll be there in four hours, if we can charter a plane	(157)
	UK navy to stop experiments where they try to induce "the bends" in goats. Alternate plan to use Chelsea soccer players also abandoned as they've never been known to come up too quickly from a dive	(98)
	One of two remaining U.S. World War I soldiers dies. In related news, someone finally won the Flying Hellfish's treasure	(128)
	Moms passes AIDS virus to kids by pre-chewing their food	(214)
	When choosing a management company for your condo or HOA, skip the one where the CFO ends up embezzling $3.3 million, shooting three random people, and getting in a shotgun battle with police	(38)
	Bacon painting fails to set world record at auction. Guess there is at least one thing Bacon can't do	(71)
(Some Guy)	Scientists glue Wii remote parts to Lemurs under the guise of "research"	(58)
	A chocolate-filled tanker-truck crashed on the Chicago Skyway this morning. NOM NOM NOM	(69)
(Evening Courier)	Fake leg allows us to put "crack hidden in body parts" trifecta in play	(17)
	Tornado survivor "was calling on Jesus" during the event, but Jesus was too busy knocking over houses and killing other people to respond	(221)
	You're a billionaire. Do you a) build yourself a spaceship, b) fly around the world in a balloon, or c) have an obsession with underage girls	(172)
(Daily Bulletin)	College dean declares flyers advertising party with 70's era white disco suit are racist AND sexist. Subby bets there might be some embarassing photos of said dean out there	(173)
	Brazilian samba fans attend Carnival in Rio de Janeiro. If only there was a word to quantify how many people attended	(67)
(Some Guy)	Famed debate club at Oxford rocked by scandal. No it isn't. Yes it is. No IT isn't. YES it IS	(64)
(Some Guy)	Michigan guy makes career out of working with huge organs. Submitter was just hoping his would make appearence on the 2nd	(47)
	1500 people in NZ chase the cheese down a hill. No really they were there for the cheese. Nothing to do with the one sheep... even though it was the famous sheep. You know "shrek" with the come hither eyes and the... sorry must go now	(58)
(TMZ.com)	"The Moment of Truth" offers Roger Clemens one million dollars for a chance to clear his name, gets some free media coverage for their efforts	(47)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this lad and his puppy	(50)
	Today's "96 rabbits, 47 dogs, chickens, pigs, goats, an African Grey Parrot and a cockatiel found neglected in a home while their owners watch angrily from a minivan" brought to you by Apache Junction, Arizona	(49)
(Some Guy)	Why giant robots are stupid	(354)
	Facial yoga will help you lose wrinkles, especially the last pose, "expecting bukkake". w/hilarious pics	(90)
	Schoolboy has burning sensation in his pants, and it wasn't caused by his teacher	(43)
	23 year old Iranian sentenced to death for drinking alcohol four times. And they were being lenient, according to the Iranian law he should have been killed the third time	(465)
(9News)	We're sorry we withheld evidence and put you in prison for nine years. Oh yeah, and we're not going to compensate you... kthxbye	(80)
	The Mittster has spent $1.16 million per delegate and at his current rate will need to burn over $1 billion to win the nomination. Huckabee, on the other hand, has won 20 delegates for every million dollars he's spent	(95)
	Demand is down and supply is up, so gas may soon be 50 cents a gallon cheaper. Isn't the free market a wonderful thing?	(213)
	Physical evidence linking Roger Clemens to steroid use "turned over to federal investigators" by Brian McNamee	(73)
	Fark's favorite evangelical gay pastor Ted Haggard has prematurely ended a "spiritual restoration" process begun when he was fired for sexual misconduct. Guess you can't cure teh ghey	(134)
(TMZ.com)	Miss Nevada Katie Rees arrested in Vegas for kicking a cop... with arrest booking photo that ranks up there with the Nick Nolte arrest pic	(115)
	(...I sure could use a donut...I sure could use a donut...I sure could use a donut...)	(69)
(Some Guy)	"Suspect Dies Following Scuffle." So remember, kids: Never follow a scuffle	(44)
	Elderly man mistakes polling location for farmers' market. Hilarity ensues	(45)
(Some Veggie Lover)	PETA is holding the "Sexist Vegetarian Next Door" contest. Your dog does not want a farking cucumber	(266)
(Some Rick Roll)	February 6th, 1966: The Rick Roll was born. Go ahead and click the link... you know you want to	(135)
	Actual headline: "Southern Residents Asses Tornado Damage"	(62)
	Woman feuding with her homeowners' association may have to pay for an $80,000 light bulb	(275)
(WOODtv)	Woman saved when her 4 year old calls 911 and operator actually believes him. They're doing it right	(98)
(DDR fan)	Overdue fees at the library? That's a dance-off	(62)
	There are too many cocks in Riverside, California	(77)
(Seeking Alpha)	"Exxon Mobil pays as much in taxes ($27 billion) as the entire bottom 50% of individual taxpayers, which is 65,000,000 people. The tax rate for the bottom 50% is only 3% of adjusted gross income; the tax rate for Exxon was 41%."	(572)
(Great Falls Tribune)	The cost of rebuilding Glacier Park's famous Going-to-the-Sun road have skyrocketed so high it may now cost as much as actually going to the sun	(98)
	The touching story of a giant that fell in love with a dwarf, got married and had a little big kid. It's not news, it's ABCNews.com	(278)
	Once again proving anything we can do, they can do better, dolphins at SeaWorld blow bubbles underwater and make it look really, really cool	(81)
	Snowfall in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho hits record 10 feet, 7 inches. For those who don't speak french, Coeur d'Alene means 'The Niña'	(110)
	Man tries to kill weeds, ends up burning home down	(65)
	Police now swabbing mouths during routine traffic stops in Daytona Beach to find serial killer (with pics)	(280)
	Pharmaceutical worker reports odd blue flecks dotting the finished drug capsules match the paint on the factory doors. Management's solution? Just toss a tarp over it	(36)
	Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien argue about who made Mike Huckabee. Clearly, they should have used a bit more hair and a bit less 'insane'	(123)
(Buffalo News)	Superintendent: Now that the press is covering my shenanigans, I'm really really sorry I suspended a college bound student for 7 weeks because she was going to speak against her principal at a Board meeting. Please don't fire me	(126)
	Head of University of Kentucky's student government association asked to resign after he forwards e-mail claiming Barack Obama is a radical Muslim. RNC extends job offer	(230)
(NOLA.com)	If some guy shows up at your place covered in pink body paint, glitter and wearing a purple cape and top hat, it's probably best not to open the door	(56)
	Already known for giving victory speeches when she comes in third, last night Hillary Clinton actually claimed to have won a state that Obama won by 10,000 votes	(327)
	Today's "homeless people make more money than you do story" brought to you by Oregon	(220)
(M.E.N)	Calling the police over and then showing them your porn collection is pretty stupid. More so if you are a politician	(24)
	Deputies report finding bag of crack in 400-pound man's belly button	(33)
(toplessrobot.com)	The 10 Star Wars Toys That Unintentionally Look Like Other Celebrities	(98)
	Teacher who gave assignment to eighth-grade boys to research porn on the internet has been allowed to return to his job. Defended position by stating that he didn't mean for them to download porn	(80)
	Pakistani cricket captain shocked - SHOCKED - to find that his online love interest had misrepresented herself, promptly sues	(115)
	Twenty gullible voters given defective pens, told by officials that pens contained "invisible ink". In other news, Alan Keyes' camp reports they're missing 20 votes	(110)
	Ron Paul takes 25% of the vote in Montana. Who would have thought a state big enough to drop a nuke without waking your neighbors would have a libertarian strain	(192)
	Russia says an Iranian missile test this week raised suspicions over its true nuclear ambitions. Wait... Russia said that?	(158)
	Heath Ledger's death declared to be accidental overdose	(454)
	San Francisco voters prove they aren't as batshiat crazy as everyone thinks, reject plan to convert Alcatraz to "global peace center" by nearly 3-1 margin. Still no cure for Berkeley	(153)
	Not News: Neighborhood complains about racy strip club sign. Fark: Strip club responds by getting better sign	(83)
(Charleston Gazette)	Obvious: School bus with kids in it gets wrecked by drunk driver. Dumbass: The drunk driver was the one driving the school bus	(31)
	Marks and Spencer offers lovely Tribeca model boasting "modern curves, soft-look styling and durable hardwood feet." Hilarity ensues	(58)
	Dog digs in backyard and uncovers leaking natural gas pipe. Homeowner isn't sure it's natural gas, so he uses his lighter to light it. Swing and a miss by Darwin	(72)
(Politico)	What happens when you don't care about the small states and just focus on the huge ones? You lose the overall delegate count	(474)
	Funeral home holds body, really takes the fun out of funeral	(34)
(Some Guy)	Fishermen resuced after three months at sea. They lived off turtles and fish after eating... er... separating from two other groups of survivors	(48)
	21-year-old German man has been convicted of sending a photograph of his penis to an unknown woman: "We all had a bit of a laugh when we saw the thing," said the judge	(54)
	Delegate count on the GOP side shows McCain with 615, Romney 268, Huckabee 169, and Paul with 16. Or, as Paul supporters see it, 20 gajillion billion	(445)
	Problem: sleeping rattlesnake in some guy's back yard. Solution: send over three deputies with shotguns to battle the serpent	(71)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this plate of fish	(57)
	White guy arrested for rapping. There is a God	(153)
	Tornadoes ravage Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi and Alabama, cause hundreds of dollars in damage	(189)
	News: Scottish town plagued by series of nightly car thefts. Fark: The thieves always return the cars before daybreak	(39)
(Metro.co.uk)	Drunk student ate his room key so he could keep on partying and so his friends couldn't take him home and put him to bed. With x-ray pic	(49)
	Want your spouse to lose weight? Drop pounds yourself	(185)
	Motorists in Mexico will be cited for putting on lipstick, shaving, or carrying a pet at the wheel of their cars. Applying lipstick to your shaved cat's butt will get you the maximum fine	(39)
(Merced Sun-Star)	Man calls sheriff's department when stripper steals his sex money	(26)
	Eight year old has to be cut out of handcuffs he found in mother's bedroom, by firefighters. Firefighter: "It's beyond my wildest imagination why someone would keep handcuffs in their bedroom!"	(106)
(WTAE-TV)	19-0 Patriots gear being donated to kids in third world countries	(131)
	A busy internet café isn't the best place to view online child porn	(72)
	Dutiful Virginians uphold their civic duties this Super Tuesday. Just one small problem	(82)
	Too drunk to drive and can't find a cab home? Then hitch a ride on a dolphin	(25)
	"If we really are concerned about the health and safety of the next generation, we have got to get real. Giving every child the chance to box is a good place to start"	(48)
	Islamist movement Hamas signals return to asshatedness	(192)
	British Army runs out of machine guns, appeals to U.S. gun nuts to lend them a few spares they may have laying around	(231)
	Not News: Republican Family Values Candidate Running for Committeeman. Fark: Candidate is a 'Deadbeat Dad' Who Owes $82,000 in Unpaid Child Support	(65)
	Hosts on a televised garden show in trouble for discussing a flower commonly called the 'black man's willy.' "They don't really like the cold, as you can imagine. They shrivel up and look very unhappy."	(40)
(Some Guy)	Just because your girlfriend crashed your car doesn't mean you can comandeer the bus as it passes by the accident and then crash it into a muddy hillside	(25)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these bells	(45)
	Clinton, McCain winners of California primary	(1063)
	"In Florida, election officials across the state fielded hundreds of phone calls from confused voters asking where they could vote Tuesday, apparently unaware that Florida's presidential primary was last week"	(62)
	Super Fat Tuesday discussion thread. Link goes to Comedy Central Indecision 2008 live blog	(2392)
	"Oprah Resolves Voting Machine Glitches." Is there anything Oprah can't do?	(77)

Tue February 05, 2008

(Weather.com)	Official South Central US Blown off the Map by Land Hurricanes discussion thread. Stay safe everyone	(485)
	Today's 28 yo volleyball coach having a lesbian affair with her 15 yo student brought to you by McCain Country (with I'd convert that pic)	(95)
(Some Guy)	Marriage only gets better over time. Just kidding, you're more likely to use rat poison instead of sugar the longer you stay married	(45)
	If you are on a murder charge, claiming you had sex with the corpse but aren't the murderer isn't going to sway the jury much	(50)
(Washington Times)	Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, guru to the Beatles in the 1960's, has died at 91. In other news, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi was still alive	(100)
(WMC)	Numerous reports of damage coming in after metropolitan Memphis struck by multiple large tornados. Stay safe guys	(323)
	Woman uses the "I'm too busy to vote" excuse for 68 years. Except in 1953, when she just plumb forgot	(59)
	Bounty hunter in Utah is a mother of 7 (with video)	(40)
	Gasoline - it isn't just a hand soap anymore	(68)
	Three strikes law at work: Man given 28 to life for stealing weed eaters from Home Depot	(309)
	Firefighters save dogs with mouth-to-mouth CPR (with pic)	(42)
	How crazy is Britney Spears? Just read this court declaration by her mother. The Smoking Gun is there	(315)
	Doctors recommend using your pinkie to clean out your ear to avoid killing yourself with a Q-tip. Index fingers still okay for nasal use	(167)
(Some Guy)	Northern Irish couple not cool with all the attention after changing their names to "David and Victoria Beckham"	(24)
	ATMs among the dirtiest things in the world. Automatic Teller Machines aren't that clean either	(109)
	Magazine asks readers to submit their life story in just six words. Submitter tried, failed, hunted porn instead. Over to you (Voting enabled)	(516)
	Gisele Bundchen never made a bet to run through midtown Manhattan naked if Patriots lost Super Bowl	(100)
	With Andy Pettite's testimony out of the way, US Senate gets down to really important work ... starting with passing a resolution 100-0 praising the NY Giants?? Uh, Iraq? The economy? Anyone, anyone?	(71)
	Man returns from the dead suspected of fraud, divinity	(42)
	"Bodies Revealed" science exhibit: kinda cool. "Bodies Oozing" exhibit: kinda gross. (with clickable skull & veins pic)	(80)
	CIA admits waterboarding three times. Translation: we did it a lot more than three times	(814)
	Georgia's statewide tornado drill for tomorrow cancelled because of tornadoes	(90)
(Some Girl)	Photoshop this rocket	(78)
	Firefighters use jaws of life to free toddler from washing machine, give him stuffed bear named "Agitator"	(82)
	Not News: Democratic delegates up for grabs this Super Tuesday. Fark: 22 will most likely come from Mexico	(149)
(nky.com)	Big Bone Lick park, located on Beaver Road in KY, has been spared the budget ax. Whew	(97)
	Actual headline: "Mate, your girlfriend used to be a bloke." Whilst in custody, police inform "temperamental" guy of this fact. When released, he goes home to his S.O. to discuss. Hilarity ensures	(910)
(Some Guy)	Huckabee scores first in West Virginia, presumably with a relative	(470)
(KXMC-TV)	Not news: border agents stop truck with $1.6 million of pot. News: agents seize pot and truck. Fark: Driver questioned and released	(80)
	Hoboken plagued by voting machine glitches, giant chickens	(87)
	If you're leaving a Super Bowl party in a golf cart driven by a friend you've been drinking with all day, you probably shouldn't stand up from your seat and start cleaning the windshield	(35)
	Businesses in Iowa could be fined as much as $625 for selling U.S. flags made in other countries. "I personally don't want my coffin draped in a Chinese-made flag when I pass away"	(204)
(B-Side Lounge; Cambridge, MA)	Boston/Cambridge Fark super-tuesday party tonight; B-Side Lounge (7pm) (LGT location)	(87)
	Cops looking for fake Target clerk who stole 17 grand in iPods. Store managers realized he wasn’t a real clerk when he actually helped customers	(182)
(Some Guy)	"Booze bra" unveiled, giving women an extra two cup sizes as well as a wine rack	(126)
	Not news: Car is stolen in Cleveland. News: Thief is eight-years-old. Fark: Accomplice is six-years-old	(63)
	Judge throws out prostitution case against spa because the informant was paid four times by police to engage in sex with the staff	(150)
(Gainesville Sun)	Highway Patrol says a BMW M5 needs to be going 120 MPH down an airport runway in order to become airborne	(295)
(Daily Mail)	Viagra + .211 blood alcohol level + beej + moving automobile = unhappy ending	(132)
	Bunch of people outside Wisconsin polling place for Super Tuesday forget that Wisconsin doesn't vote on Super Tuesday	(134)
(Gainesville Sun)	Boobies for haircuts: Going to a topless bar or paying for a personal escort service could help nursing-home residents afford haircuts or movie tickets	(73)
(WGAL)	Brazen bank robber boldly does whatever teller tells him to do, such as "Sir, please remove your hood." With instruction-following bank robber surveillance pic goodness	(49)
	Barack Obama wins Super Tuesday's first battleground: Indonesia	(228)
(SurveyUSA)	There's no denying it, Hillary is the clear winner in California: SurveyUSA says 52 percent Clinton, 42 percent Obama	(193)
	There's no denying it, Obama is the clear winner in California: Zogby says 49 percent Obama, 36 percent Clinton	(321)
(Funny or Die)	Before you go out and vote today, check out who your favorite porn star is voting for (if you look really hard, there are probably some NSFW boobies in the background)	(97)
	Man dies in Wal-Mart bathroom and isn't found until nine hours later. Janitor thought he was just "hanging out"	(98)
(South Coast Today)	Actual letter to newspaper: "I am 5 feet 7 inches and weigh 270 pounds. I have a 50-inch waist. Why am I being told I am obese?"	(777)
	Our national monuments, such as the Washington Monument and the Statue of Liberty, are at risk of attack, according to government report tilted Clover-something	(103)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fearsome flora	(57)
	Miami's top Google searches? "Fidel", "Hillary Clinton", "Fidel Castro", "Condo", "Foreclosure", "Local 10"	(57)
	Study finds having sex with your coworkers improves your work performance	(236)
	Police surround house to arrest a ficus	(61)
	New site lets men shop for lingerie for wives and girlfriends using a virtual model. Use this power only for good (with not-safe-for-workish pic)	(198)
(MaineToday.com)	Four-mile manure spill has everyone wondering who either spilled it or where that very sick cow is	(49)
	Why everyone's really buying retro ring ring ring ring ring ring ring hamburger phones	(118)
	Don't illuminate me, bro (with video)	(237)
	Fifteen-to-18-year-olds listening to 2.4 hours of music a day will hear over 30,000 references to substance abuse a year that encourages them not to feel so all alone -- everybody must get stoned	(152)
(SunJournal.com)	"Dear Abby: If Darwin was right, future generations will no longer require a tongue because we will no longer converse. Instead, we'll grow extra fingers with which to type and text"	(217)
(Metro)	Bridge fitted with anti-bridge-theft device, included in selling price	(18)
	Wind farms a "threat to national security." Your local power company stops counting money, points, laughs, resumes counting	(116)
	Not news: You can trip while running. Fark: Cancel the annual pancake race	(45)
	Wasps cause three passenger jets to abort take off in Australia	(49)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this little buckaroo	(68)
	The Vatican has reported a further dramatic fall in the number of Roman Catholic monks and nuns worldwide. Where is their God now?	(129)
(NineMSN)	Shakes magic Britney 8-ball Britney's house robbed, "sex tape taken"	(187)
	Not news: Woman loses money in Nigerian scam, Fark: She took out a bank loan for it	(127)
(Some Giraffe Facts)	Farker dad has a problem -- his kids want to know what noise a giraffe makes and dad's supposed to know everything, right? This is where you come in, AudioEditors	(87)
	U.S. charging Canadian child for war crimes in Guantanamo. This can only end well	(489)

Mon February 04, 2008

	Federal judge says law limiting sonar use applies to Navy too, even if Bush DID sign it with his fingers crossed	(150)
	Man carefully throws his baby from the upper story of a building completely engulfed in fire, and a rescue worker actually catches it. Come for the astonishing pics, stay for the amazing story	(154)
(770 CHQR)	Today's 72-year old guy busted with $3 million of pot brought to you by Calgary, Alberta	(67)
(Some Guy)	Church of Scientology says negative press is helping spread the word of L. Ron Hubbard. And they say it like it's a good thing	(287)
	Bank vice president arrested for stealing $82,000 from 86-year-old man who's not too old to balance his checkbook	(53)
	Last of the Iwo Jima flag-raisers dies at age 82	(157)
	"Right to Dry" group is trying to force homeowner associations to allow people to dry their clothes on outdoor clotheslines	(206)
	After being humiliated nationwide, Virginia Beach decides to drop obscenity charges against Abercrombie store	(99)
	Theft of $150,000 Super Bowl pool still unsolved one car, one bar and one year later	(39)
	Actual headline: Older sex workers going hungry. With priceless pic	(171)
	Arsonist burns house he THOUGHT belonged to a guy who the arsonist THOUGHT was chatting dirty to a teen girl	(90)
	Woman arrested for DUI made sure beer was buckled up safely, but left infant daughter unrestrained (w/mugshot goodness)	(84)
	United Airlines to charge for checking second bag, access to toilet	(188)
	The story: After four straight years of growth, employment figures dipped slightly last month. The headline: "EMPLOYMENT DROPS IN PINK SLIP BLIZZARD." In related news, Pink Slip Blizzard would be a great band name	(99)
(Some Guy)	College bans blood drives as "discriminatory" because they screen for HIV. Surprisingly, it's not Berkeley	(348)
(Some Guy)	Super Tuesday weather forecast strongly hints that God is a Mormon	(146)
(Lohud.com)	Naked guy? Check. Martial arts training? Check. Tasering? Check. Yup, This news story passes the Fark test	(37)
	FBI to begin gathering massive database of the physical characteristics and biometrics of everyone in America. You know, for terrorists	(239)
	Today's 49-year-old teacher sleeps with 16-year-old student story brought to you by Cornwall, UK. Bonus: It's her religious studies teacher	(76)
(Some Stamen)	Photoshop this stigma	(55)
	Good: Collecting 65 classic arcade games. Great: Building a private 2,400 square foot arcade with black lights and 80's soundtrack. Awesome: Your kids leave it alone because they want to play Wii	(285)
	"My friends call me scruffles"	(60)
	Peruvian anti-riot police uniforms look like Judge Dredd meets Batman	(168)
(Daily Camera)	Boulder, CO to consider banning weekend building: "Working those extra two days to fast-track this project to get it done for these rich people is what has pushed so many people in the neighborhood over the brink"	(129)
	Video showing that the Pats won the Super Bowl based on how the game clock was supposed to be run rather than how it was run. Difficulty: Crappy audio and video quality	(448)
(The Sheboygan Press)	Bongs stolen from sex shop	(109)
(KSLA)	Hmmm, Monday morning, 11:11 a.m. Central, just about time for... yep there it is. Ford plans to another recall to fix fire hazard. Bad grammar is sites, so it's got that going for it too	(131)
	At behest of fifth graders, Colorado to name state reptile. "Tom Tancredo" is first choice	(62)
	Video archive of every superbowl commercial. Which was the best and which was the worst?	(246)
(NYT)	New York Times writer shocked to find out that letting her husband cheat on her didn't make her happier	(660)
	Grandma, are those bags of cocaine in your bra or are you just happy to see me?	(29)
	Denver expects spike in prostitution during upcoming Democratic National Convention, but whores say computer conventions are better for business. "There's a lot of nerds that don't get out much," one notes	(143)
	After wife slaughtered by one-armed Burger King, husband becomes prime suspect and is sick to his stomachs	(178)
	Old and busted: Google Maps. New hotness: Google maps that show you where and how all the homicides took place this year	(165)
	Not news: Woman diagnosed with cancer. News: While she's pregnant. Fark: Twins kicked the tumor loose and saved their mom's life... in utero	(124)
	Bucket list item No. 1: Drive racecar into wall at Daytona. Check	(84)
	One in four people think that Winston Churchill never existed but Sherlock Holmes did (posted yesterday but some folks missed it)	(194)
(Some Guy)	Spongebob cuts power to Massachusetts town, demands crabby patties	(32)
(Seattle weekly)	Tom Petty manages to sneak in small phallic reference	(201)
	Rating the Super Bowl ads: Not unlike porn, "you can't go wrong with horses and dogs"	(208)
(some freezer)	Photoshop this pizza oven	(69)
	Krystal management tip: When strip-searching employees for stolen money, strip-search everyone, not just the black employees	(159)
	Stevie Wonder falls down the stairs at a conference for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama last night, which is ironic, as he was told he was at a Hillary Clinton rally	(77)
	Yahoogle?	(89)
	Washington, D.C. cabdrivers to strike today in protest of Mayor Fenty's new pricing plan, which changes the fare structure from "we'll make up whatever the hell we want and call it zone pricing" to "meters"	(129)
	Hundreds of people in the Romanian town of Dragasani have grown rich conning eBay customers by auctioning everything from old MIG jet fighters to their new town hall	(78)
(Amazon.com)	Fire sale on Amazon.com: 19-0, the story of the undefeated New England Patriots	(487)
	Cambodian parents not worried that their seven-year-old son sleeps with a 16-foot, 100-pound snake. Gary Larson en route with intellectual-property-theft lawsuit	(74)
	Today's "burglar who fell asleep in a nine-year-old's bed while clutching a purse after eating all the family's cookies" is brought to you by Kuala Lumpur	(37)
	In breaking news, South Korean soccer players accused of dislocating their own shoulders in order to duck compulsory military service	(61)
	Australia lures young professionals from Britain by pointing out how much the UK sucks, with slogans like "Sod house prices" and "Screw working in Staines." Bad teeth, Nanny State references strangely absent	(81)
	Israeli soldiers escalate tensions in the Middle East, by mooning Palestinians	(437)
	Truck carrying dozens of live pigs overturns on L.A. freeway; pigs roam, eat grass. If you're near the 605 and the 60: free bacon (w/news video)	(40)
	Bartender who served customer Pine-Sol-and-coke cocktail has lost her "responsible service of alcohol" license. Gee, ya think?	(44)
	Man complains that blow-up sex doll's lost its moan (and it deflates too quickly)	(39)
	The most "Jesus Christ" photograph of a plane landing you'll see, well, pretty much ever at the world's most dangerous airstrip. Mind your head (pics)	(148)
	Royal Mint plans to replace Britannia with an "an image representing modern Britain" on new coins. Photoshop your suggestions (link to story with pic)	(58)
(Some Pot Head)	For Rev. Adam Zuniga, his Eucharist is pot. “It’s a means to my survival, spiritually”	(62)
(Some Guy)	"Pancake Day" tradition in danger of dying out as no one realizes it happens on Monday. Pancake Day?	(90)
	"UFO sightings in Canada are on the rise and so are organizations led by extraterrestrial forces who are using mind control to manipulate Canadians into thinking its OK to develop [vast oil] resources" (Sic)	(39)
	Florida teachers explain how they balance the controversial teaching of evolution to students. The photo explains it all	(898)
	Nazi death camp trips. You know, for kids!	(86)
	Aboriginal languages "dying out." You submitted this with a headline that required mouth clicks and vowel sounds that sounded like someone shaking a coffee can full of rocks	(121)
(Some Guy)	Dutch unveil course to help residents overcome their pathological fear of... blushing?	(49)
	Behind-the-scenes look at district court judges at work. It's worse than knowing how sausage is made	(42)